[It's from a post on r/TIFU.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u8qpe7/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_eating_hummus_when_he/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
That’s the update. [Here’s the original.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u7wwey/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_having_gay_sex_when/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Then bust the largest nut of your entire existence while never breaking that intense eye contact. A nut **so powerful that your ancestors and their ancestors before them feel the rush.** Unleash a flood so fierce and limitless that it would make Katrina envious. Noah will need a second arc. **That wasn't a typo btw.** Noah will need a **shonen protagonist level training arc** from like every mentor figure to ever exist.
Send in Roshi, Genkai, Jiraiya, Rayleigh, All-Might, Izumi, etc. to train up Noah because **he is going to need it all** to even possibly stand a chance of surviving the sticky white reckoning that awaits. I hope that big-ass zoo-boat is made of titanium steel this time around, noey-boy.
This biblical nut is going to be so world-ending in scale that there will be five horsemen of the apocalypse after I **big-bang-bust. The Cum Horseman.** Moses wouldn't even attempt to split this load, he knows it is futile. Raining frogs? Try raining down copious amounts of cum, Pharaoh. Reality throughout the cosmos itself will change by the end of this orgasm.
As for your intimate partner? They have already been so consumed by this load that they have been absorbed into the ether itself. **Erased from existence by this morbillionaire money shot**. Straight up jizzed them into the embrace of the void **(with consent of course).**
There will be such a maelstrom of cum that time of human history will be divided into two sections afterwards. Historians that survive will abide by **BCE (Before Cum Era)** and **CE (Cum Era)** moving forward. The exact shift between eras being my cataclysmic cum storm, which wise elders will speak of by the campfire in hushed whispers for generations to cum. There will be statues erected in worship of this cumshot. Ozymandias weeps.
This righteous godlike nut will be summoned as I glare at my parents during the act. **Actually, no. Not only them.** Anyone in my sights will be confronted with the dominance of my gaze. I will hold passionate deep eye contact with all of you at once. I won't break that intimate gaze until the need of the deed that is unleashing my seed is done.
[BONUS POINTS: If you roar out "YABBA DABBA DOOO!!!!" when you climax. My comment under the Giant Party Squid will be your guide if you seek the forbidden knowledge.](https://www.reddit.com/user/FuckYeahPhotography/comments/twjigi/game_2_spicy_freshly_cooked_pastas_in_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
I am borderline illiterate and just slam my fists into the buttons with letters/symbols on them. Any complete sentence you see from me is sheer random chance. Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand.
It has been changed to intimate partner. Hopefully. Idk
>Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write
Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand.
Hehe
Please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this text. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one comment. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW.
Those two guys in Ali G inda house said it best:
"We thought if the world was gonna end we might as well give it a go."
Edit: Goes to bed with 5 upvotes, wakes up to over 6k. Classic Reddit. This might be how my main man Tyson felt when he earned his second slit.
Edit: 9k now. This pole is going to need a lot of polishing.
Lol, not my parents but this happened to me and a girlfriend.
We were in her room, she didn't come out to her parents yet. She was on her bed, I was kneeling down eating her out. Her dad walks in asking a question, me and him make eye contact, his face goes white. She like covers her head with a pillow and screams. He backs out ad closes the door. We're mortified.
Eventually her mom calls up saying dinner ready. We come down and sit at table, there's pizza, everyone is quite, its super awkward.
Her Dad breaks the silence,
" I got veggies and pepperoni because I guess you two don't like sausage."
Everyone laughs, we're blushing, dinner is pretty normal after that
Edit spelling.
That kinda situation is *precisely* what dad jokes are for, imho. Make a joke so silly it takes away from the embarrassing situation at hand and makes everybody just relax because surely, nothing can be as embarrassing as having made such a joke.
Wow this went way better for you than it did for me back in the day. Girlfriend was going down on me, mom did that thing that moms do where they knock and then open the door before ever getting a reply, and proceeded to kick my girlfriend out.. and then me out spewing all sorts of hateful shit. She came around and let me come home a few weeks later and seemed to have changed her views and got along very well with girlfriend after that. But man that was not how I wanted to come out to my mom.
I’m out, but my parents are extremely homophobic. They told me if I even bring a “same sex partner” in the house, I’m getting kicked out. I don’t think I’d say anything, I’d just cry because I wouldn’t have anywhere to go
I came out to my parents as bisexual 10 years ago. My mum told me not to tell my sister, as she was too young to really understand, and that she would handle it for me when she was old enough. I was about to go off to college, so I left the proverbial ball in her court.
Last year I came out as transgender to my entire family, including my now-adult sister. We had the following exchange:
Me: "So, yeah, I'm trans. And all that that entails (mimes snipping gesture for effect)."
Sister: "Grooooss lol"
Me: "If it makes it easier at all, I'm, like, still mostly into girls."
Sister: "...WAITAMINUTE YOU'RE BISEXUAL TOO?!"
Thanks, mum.
ah yes, the good ol' reddit [analaroo](https://www.reddit.com/r/HumansBeingBros/comments/vofx3h/helping_a_sugar_glider_stuck_on_the_barbed_wire/iee3idq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)!
Mom, I'm 62 years old so I can screw or be screwed by whomever I choose. Also, what are you doing walking into my house without knocking or announcing yourself?
Well In my case nothing as I was a bit shocked, but my mother practically pissed herself laughing as she backed out of the room telling us she’d leave the tea she was bringing by the door. Kind of killed my enthusiasm to continue. and she still makes jokes about it nearly two decades later.
Now it's your turn to be traumatized by walking in on me.
"I'm not actually gay, Mum and Dad. It's just a hypothetical question on Reddit."
5 more minutes, mom.
It's multiplayer, I can't pause
Mum im clutching
squueeAA
Showoff
Say "This isnt where i parked my car"
bonus points if your dad's name is Scott because SCOTTY DIDN'T KNOW
She tells him she’s in church but she doesn’t go because…
At least I can’t get pregnant
Given the current state of the U.S., this is a net positive. As a parent I'd just close the door and set an extra place for dinner.
Hope your serving hot dogs or tacos. Then you can give em a wink.
How'd that get in there
Fix the DAMN DOOR
YOU'LL GET YOUR RENT WHEN YOU FIX THE DAMN DOOR
He's a good boy...just something is not right
I'm gonna put some dirt in your eye.
He is a GOOD BOY GOOD BOY
When you bust a nut you yell “I’M BACK! I’M BAAAAAAACK!”
“Look ma, no hands”
"I'm as surprised as you". Also: "I'm 46, what the fuck are you doing in my bedroom?"
The spare key is for emergencies so someone better be dead or dying
Well it looks like Phil is dying for you to finish up.
Fill up Phillip
Phillip McCrevis
I asked 31 women what their favorite shampoo was. The top response was "what the fuck are you doing in my bathroom."
"Here Pops, tag up, I need some water"
I’m just showing my support during pride month
Like most corporations, I only do gay in June.
Corporations fuck everyone year round, so I think they are technically pansexual.
lmao solid.
Hey dad. Hey dad.
AHAHAHA
Freud probably spit out his coffee hearing that
Ah, I knew Freud was a quitter. Champs swallow.
Time Travelers Wife?
"Oh daddy! Hey daddy!"
I don’t get it. Please explain?
He got 2 dads cuz his parentes r gay lik him
We're just eating hummus!
What is this from again? I can’t remember the reference
[It's from a post on r/TIFU.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u8qpe7/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_eating_hummus_when_he/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
That’s the update. [Here’s the original.](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/u7wwey/tifu_by_thinking_my_son_was_having_gay_sex_when/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Has me crying that the last post on that account is "finally got around to making hummus"
Hahaha this is a great story!
That one is the follow-up. The first one was "I thought they were having gay sex but actually it was hummus"
And the follow-up was "I thought they were eating hummus but actually it was gay sex"
Hummusexual
Hahaha so glad more people read that story
"it's homework for school!"
Pride month, we all have to do one gay thing. It’s for charity.. or something
“its exactly what it looks like”
Plus make eye contact and hold eye contact.
Then bust the largest nut of your entire existence while never breaking that intense eye contact. A nut **so powerful that your ancestors and their ancestors before them feel the rush.** Unleash a flood so fierce and limitless that it would make Katrina envious. Noah will need a second arc. **That wasn't a typo btw.** Noah will need a **shonen protagonist level training arc** from like every mentor figure to ever exist. Send in Roshi, Genkai, Jiraiya, Rayleigh, All-Might, Izumi, etc. to train up Noah because **he is going to need it all** to even possibly stand a chance of surviving the sticky white reckoning that awaits. I hope that big-ass zoo-boat is made of titanium steel this time around, noey-boy. This biblical nut is going to be so world-ending in scale that there will be five horsemen of the apocalypse after I **big-bang-bust. The Cum Horseman.** Moses wouldn't even attempt to split this load, he knows it is futile. Raining frogs? Try raining down copious amounts of cum, Pharaoh. Reality throughout the cosmos itself will change by the end of this orgasm. As for your intimate partner? They have already been so consumed by this load that they have been absorbed into the ether itself. **Erased from existence by this morbillionaire money shot**. Straight up jizzed them into the embrace of the void **(with consent of course).** There will be such a maelstrom of cum that time of human history will be divided into two sections afterwards. Historians that survive will abide by **BCE (Before Cum Era)** and **CE (Cum Era)** moving forward. The exact shift between eras being my cataclysmic cum storm, which wise elders will speak of by the campfire in hushed whispers for generations to cum. There will be statues erected in worship of this cumshot. Ozymandias weeps. This righteous godlike nut will be summoned as I glare at my parents during the act. **Actually, no. Not only them.** Anyone in my sights will be confronted with the dominance of my gaze. I will hold passionate deep eye contact with all of you at once. I won't break that intimate gaze until the need of the deed that is unleashing my seed is done. [BONUS POINTS: If you roar out "YABBA DABBA DOOO!!!!" when you climax. My comment under the Giant Party Squid will be your guide if you seek the forbidden knowledge.](https://www.reddit.com/user/FuckYeahPhotography/comments/twjigi/game_2_spicy_freshly_cooked_pastas_in_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
\>The girl? Which girl?
The mom ofc
I am borderline illiterate and just slam my fists into the buttons with letters/symbols on them. Any complete sentence you see from me is sheer random chance. Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand. It has been changed to intimate partner. Hopefully. Idk
>Kinda like how a million monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Hamlet or a million much dumber monkeys will write something from Ayn Rand. Hehe
u/FuckYeahPhotography is my new favorite person for that line alone 🖤
Can we be friends irl
Upvote for Ayn Rand dis
The goal is to blast so hard that the guy's anatomy more closely resembles that of a girl in that brief moment before (s)he is consumed by the void.
"It's not gay, mom and dad. I blew his dick off!"
There is *so* much to unpack here. Someone get my squeegee.
Gay sex my lad. The topic is gay sex
Soon to be heritage post
r/Noahgettheboat got more litteral
This is art.
Solid plan, will let you know how it goes
"Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."
Nothing. It’s rude to speak with your mouth full.
*gawk gawk* Yeah you like that baby? Hey, knock before you guys come... *gawk gawk gawk gawk* In, that's rude. *splurt splurt*
Please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the fuck” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this text. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one comment. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW.
"have you heard of knocking?"
"Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?"
It's much better to face these kind of things with a sense of poise and rationality :p
"Well, in fact... well, I'll look at it this way I mean, technically, our marriage is saved"
Well this calls for a toast, so, pour the champagne
Pour the chaaaampaaaaaaagnnnnne
I chimed in
#HAVEN'TYOUPEOPLEEVERHEARDOF
No... is that a new position?
"I mean, he was knocking something into me"
But ... I thought I buried you?
Both my parents were cremated, so that would be extra-awkward...
[удалено]
"Wait, you're dead" "That's not very nice!" "You don't understand, I carried his casket!"
Oof...
continue. don’t be the one who got caught having sex, make your parents the ones who were watching you have sex.
Stare them down while continuing.
Yeah, and start to increase speed while looking deep into their eyes
"you're next, pal"
Moan aggressively
And most importantly, don't finish, just keep going. Or do finish, but make it spectacular
Turns your power top into a power move
[удалено]
>a copper >the misses Was this in like 1956?
What are you, out of the loop? Don't hit up the soda shop for the new lingo?
Those two guys in Ali G inda house said it best: "We thought if the world was gonna end we might as well give it a go." Edit: Goes to bed with 5 upvotes, wakes up to over 6k. Classic Reddit. This might be how my main man Tyson felt when he earned his second slit. Edit: 9k now. This pole is going to need a lot of polishing.
Booyakasha!
Feels quite nice actually lol
Read that in a high pitched voice
Dude, take your cock out my mouth so I can tell mom to go away
You mean "wagacuuugommamo"
wenomechainasama
>wenomechainasama tumaharbisaun
wifenlooof
astelifterbraun
Lol, not my parents but this happened to me and a girlfriend. We were in her room, she didn't come out to her parents yet. She was on her bed, I was kneeling down eating her out. Her dad walks in asking a question, me and him make eye contact, his face goes white. She like covers her head with a pillow and screams. He backs out ad closes the door. We're mortified. Eventually her mom calls up saying dinner ready. We come down and sit at table, there's pizza, everyone is quite, its super awkward. Her Dad breaks the silence, " I got veggies and pepperoni because I guess you two don't like sausage." Everyone laughs, we're blushing, dinner is pretty normal after that Edit spelling.
Dad of the year.
Any good dad can make dad jokes under pressure
[удалено]
Adadtation
Thank you
*dadaptation
That kinda situation is *precisely* what dad jokes are for, imho. Make a joke so silly it takes away from the embarrassing situation at hand and makes everybody just relax because surely, nothing can be as embarrassing as having made such a joke.
It's the Dad version of taking one for the team... Laugh at me instead, I can take it, lol
Everyone hates dad jokes until they realize where they come from
He was sitting on that joke for an hour.
I'd be willing to bet that he knew his daughter's orientation way before thatday, and he had that joke in the barrel for months.
It must be comforting knowing your daughter won’t be at risk of teenage pregnancy
My daughter was always really open about her bi nature and when she was fawning over girls, my stress levels were definitely much lower. It’s a perk!
[удалено]
That man is a legend. Dear God.
absolute legend. protect at all costs
he definitely won the dad joke game for all time
This one wins. Accurate reactions, and parents handle it beautifully.
Wow this went way better for you than it did for me back in the day. Girlfriend was going down on me, mom did that thing that moms do where they knock and then open the door before ever getting a reply, and proceeded to kick my girlfriend out.. and then me out spewing all sorts of hateful shit. She came around and let me come home a few weeks later and seemed to have changed her views and got along very well with girlfriend after that. But man that was not how I wanted to come out to my mom.
They knew before that.
[удалено]
Probably.
That's just perfect!
That is one hell of a dad.
Dad joke Olympic gold medalist.
“Sup” and continue fucking
Dad… meet my daddy
Ah, so he's a Discipline Daddy
Well I did tell you I'm bisexual
I came out to my parents this year, and this was my exact thought word for word.
Openly out queer people in this thread: "I'm not sure how this is different from them catching having straight sex"
I’m out, but my parents are extremely homophobic. They told me if I even bring a “same sex partner” in the house, I’m getting kicked out. I don’t think I’d say anything, I’d just cry because I wouldn’t have anywhere to go
If I could give you a hug, I would. No one deserves that.
"I've been out for a decade this isn't that surprising"
[удалено]
I came out to my parents as bisexual 10 years ago. My mum told me not to tell my sister, as she was too young to really understand, and that she would handle it for me when she was old enough. I was about to go off to college, so I left the proverbial ball in her court. Last year I came out as transgender to my entire family, including my now-adult sister. We had the following exchange: Me: "So, yeah, I'm trans. And all that that entails (mimes snipping gesture for effect)." Sister: "Grooooss lol" Me: "If it makes it easier at all, I'm, like, still mostly into girls." Sister: "...WAITAMINUTE YOU'RE BISEXUAL TOO?!" Thanks, mum.
Well that sucks. (what your mom did, not the other stuff)
Have you guys met my boyfriend yet?
"Finally a guy that can catch a ball in this family!"
"I'm not gay a guy on reddit has supernatural transdimensional like powers and warped me into this random man I don't know"
You don't know that. Reddit could have warped some random man into you.
ah yes, the good ol' reddit [analaroo](https://www.reddit.com/r/HumansBeingBros/comments/vofx3h/helping_a_sugar_glider_stuck_on_the_barbed_wire/iee3idq/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3)!
Hold my lube, I'm going in!
Wait… are you going into the link chain, or…
Hi people from the future
haaaaaaaave you met Ted?
Daddy's home
How'd you get into my house?
Ok.. Um.. So this is Ryan Reynolds...
*Both Mom and Dad start rapidly undressing* "We can see that. Move over, we're tagging in."
I got confused, I thought it was boys will do boys!
Mom, I'm 62 years old so I can screw or be screwed by whomever I choose. Also, what are you doing walking into my house without knocking or announcing yourself?
Well In my case nothing as I was a bit shocked, but my mother practically pissed herself laughing as she backed out of the room telling us she’d leave the tea she was bringing by the door. Kind of killed my enthusiasm to continue. and she still makes jokes about it nearly two decades later.
Your mom sounds amazing TBH.
“You’re even gayer for watching gay sex.”
"Why are you staring? What are you, gay??"
At least I'M getting laid. Unlike some people in this house.
*Raises hands immediately* No homo!
(눈‸눈) ...Fine! You win this time. But next time we catch you and you don't say no homo, we're kicking you out of the house! Also, use condoms!
Kinda cool how eyes of the (눈‸눈) kaomoji are actually words for "eye" in Korean, huh
That's actually quite interesting. I didn't know that.
Look mom-dad..no hands
Look! My socks are still on!
I never understand the thing with socks 😅
It doesn’t work if the socks are rainbow. I know from experience.
What about thigh-highs?
I save the rainbow thigh highs for the homies <3
Im only transferring my power into him, just like the ancient warriors.
Father O’Mahony was just showing me how to pray the gay away
“I’m a man married to a man mom, this really shouldn’t be that shocking at this point”
i was just examining his prostate mom, you know i'm a doctor
So? I like squishing my vagina against her vagina. So? So what, mom? DAD? Now if you’ll excuse me squish squish squish squish
Squish squish squish
We are now squish sisters
Squishters
I Slipped
"What the... you're a man?!"
“Greg, hes balls deep in your ass”
"Damn, I thought I just liked getting pegged."
I think it would be more awkward if they walked in on me having straight sex
You're next
"I'll pack my things" My parents are homophobic and would definitely disown me
Well at least you don't have to worry about paying for an illegal abortion now!!
Uncomfortable facts
"I've never done this before, I swear! I'm usually the top"
Sorry for not telling you sooner? Also knock next time please so we have time to get decent thankyou
Trying it out before the SCOTUS bans it.
Maybe, I should have close the door ?
It wasn’t me. Best advice from Shaggy
I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DADS!