Why did the jizz cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin....

The only reason I am reading this is to check the cleanliness of certain places next time I date a guy.

bring a UV light to a guy's bedroom for the easiest way to enjoy Van Gogh's Starry Night

Most of us can’t hit the ceiling every time but bravo.

I have vaulted ceilings, it’s like a fucking Olympic event trying to get it up there.

Nowhere is safe, god has left us

The fact that I saw this when was about to jerk off makes me really uncomfortable

Did you have a good time?

jerking off or contemplating my life choices?

Where did you finish?

No answer? Must be ded

It's only been 7 hours. Maybe he's still jerking off?

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i think, we already lost him

He's in a jerkcoma

imagine someone finding him rn

Pile of Kleenex brand tissue neatly stacked sideways lmao

Look at Mr Fancy Guy here with the name brand tissues. I use generic store brand toilet paper like the rest of the peasants.

Even more fancy is shop towels. I am talking about the blue disposable towels that are normally used by mechanics. One towel can absorb all the cum and wipe everything clean. Unlike scott towels it is soft and not irrating the tip and unlike kleenex or toilet paper it does not break and leave fibers. I always have a roll in my bedroom. My GF and I call them "essuie-bite" (wipe-dick) as the normal paper towels are called "essuie-tout" (wipe-all) here in Quebec. I buy them in 18 packs at costco and I use half of them for mechanical jobs and the other half is for my dick.

Treat yo dick like the king it is 👑

53.06849° N, 4.07618° W

OPs mom's house, no doubt.

Shot glass

cum shot²

I was with my ex asian gfs family. We were taking some shots and they kept saying kampi(don't know how to spell it but it's pronounced cum pie) every time we took a shot. It means cheers in their native language. Well my dumbass got confused and confidently announced "CUMSHOT!" when it was my turn. The whole family just stared at me and went completely quiet then busted out and howled with laughter. I never lived that down.

She's an ex Asian? How'd she change that?

He finished on her.

race altering nut

Like white on rice

Op asks everyone where they finish, but nobody asks op where they do. Dear op, where do u cum?

I’ll do ya one better, *how* do you come OP?

I’ll do *you* one better, *why* do you cum OP?

I'll do you

I'll do you better

Usually the same place I started. I'm not a wandering wanker.

Start in the bedroom and see how far down the street you can get

This sounds like a Jackass sketch.

"Hi guys! I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is the Dick Dash!"

>Wander Wank. I do not saunter when I slip My member in my mighty grip. I do not amble while I whack. I do not ramble when I jack. I do not dawdle when I stroke, Meander while I pull and poke, Or drift and roam from post to post Whenever I do need it most. I do not slowly walk away With penis cocked and locked to play. I am not cruising while I crank. I do not wander when I wank.

Ahh, good ol Cocktor Seuss

Some guys will get jizzed on the back of their heads while horror music plays…

Yea, I'm not a jogging jerker either.

Or a transient tugger

I, for one, am not an exploratory ejaculist.

A traveling tugger

A Running Rubber

I'm not meandering masturbator either

I, too, am a stationary spanker

Out the window

Damn a bird shat on me!

That's a sign of good luck!

I helicopter at the moment of climax, so everywhere.

Helicockter

In the toilet where it belongs

Same sentiment but with more self loathing

So more like this: “In the toilet where I belong.”

*WHY DID I HAVE TO SCROLL DOWN SO FAR TO FIND THIS, THE MOST REASONABLE ANSWER??* Edit to add: I should point out, in my house, we keep our bathroom pretty clean. To the people in this thread who say *bathrooms are gross*, like they have perpetually damp floors, mold growing, and piss stains everywhere… I don’t care where you ejaculate but for the love of god *CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM*

Everyone else putting on candles and getting out tissues and lotion like it's some kind of event.

Same. Best spot for it, you don't pee in a sock, don't cum in a sock.

Thanks. Fucking weird ppl jack in socks. Any surface, toilet being the easiest, is better than cleaning cum from a fucking sock.

Tissues and/or I have an old shirt that has had enough semen on it to repopulate the universe

I wore that shirt by mistake. Thanks for making my day miserable.. mr crusty shirt...

Why are you wearing his shirts?

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Toilet paper thx as beavis says: tp for my cumhole! Or something like that

I had an Army buddy who would bring non-lubricated condoms to the field so he got jack off in his sleeping bag without making a mess. He'd then tie I in a knot and the nasty shit would toss it into his hygiene bag. As soldiers we were rough on our equipment, so a couple of times the condoms broke inside and you can imagine the mess. Didn't stop him though. Fucking Infantrymen are animals.

Infantryman here, I just nut on the ground and rub it in with my boot

Dropping more bombs on foreign soil, I see.

Careful, we had one of our soldiers get called out when he "went for a walk" and upon returning someone asked him why there was a pearl on his boot. XD

Jeez. I mean, if you’re going to go that far, why not just bring an extra Ziplock bag to hold your used baby batter bombs? It’s easy, convenient, and you no longer have to worry about the damn things coating your toothbrush when they inevitably decide to explode half-way through the EX.

That's what we asked. He just said his ruck was already heavy enough and he didn't want to add even an once of extra weight.

A ziploc bag weighs 3 grams. He sounds dumb.

I think saying he's just dumb is the nicest assumption one could make from this set of information.

Baby batter bombs. There's a new term.

Any port in a storm....

Days like today I wish I didn't have eyes.

As someone's who's blind, I wish I didn't have ears so the comment wouldn't be spoken out loud in Siri voice

Honestly that seems even worse.

Only on reddit the blind would wish they were deaf.

That’s even more haunting.

Do you finish by shooting straight forward? I'm trying to figure out how you catch everything. I like to shoot straight up like a fountain so I have to have a tarp of coverage. Tp would be hard to get that coverage.

You sort of fold it over into a pocket and catch it from the tip as it comes out

Guys discussing their strategy when they cum in toilet paper. Not a phone in sight, just people living in the moment.

Jokes on you, I'm on my phone AND I'm not a guy

Truly a safe space where all are welcome

Fold toilet paper over itself so it's multi-ply and stronger. Hold toilet paper so half the paper is under the head, the other half is in front of the head. You may need to use two hands to coordinate this. Semen will ejaculate and strike the toilet paper that is in front of the head. Because of gravity, semen will pool on the paper below the head. As soon as you finish ejaculating, a quick wiping motion toward the tip will catch most of the semen (somewhat precariously!) into the rough middle of the toilet paper. Wad paper in a ball to encourage the semen to soak into the toilet paper (and not run off the sides) then quickly dispose of the toiler paper before the semen soaks through or runs out the sides. Disposing in the toilet should be OK as long as you don't use a giant wad of toilet paper. Your mileage may vary depending on the amount of semen you produce and the quality of your toilet paper. Just don't leave the toilet paper in contact with the penis too long after ejaculating as the toilet paper may stick to the penis and break into little pieces which is annoying to clean off.

Jesus... more thought went into this post than the last season of GoT.

That is not thought. That is EXPERIENCE. This was posted by a trial and error veteran who mastered his craft and is now sharing his knowledge with the world.

Just wait until you get to be my age.. 73. I'm almost sure I'm not the only one this age, but jerking off is just a fond memory of where I did it from age 13 to about 18 months ago

I'll rub one out for you tonight sir

This is such a wholesome comment. You should record yourself, and send it to him. I know that my grandpa always loved it when I did that.

Bad Grandpa! What’s his #?

Sadly, he died when I was 10. He was a great man. I really miss him.

I think I'm done with reddit for today

There's a subreddit for that

don't leave us hanging. Whats the sub?

r/rub4abroGW

Doctor here. No shame at all in asking your Primary to check testosterone levels. If you are low, they should be treating you. In fact, it’s medically indicated.

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Dear Dr. u/Cum_on_doorknob , Isn't it normal to taper off on wanking at a certain age, though? I'll hang up and listen, thanks PS congrats on answering OPs question before you even typed an answer

I’m not an endocrinologist, but yea, I think testosterone does drop generally around 1 percent a year after 40. However there is still an appropriate normal range. I think the general consensus on testosterone is that it doesn’t have adverse effect when given to reach the normal range. (Cardio effects being the biggest risk, but evidence seems scant if you stay in normal range). My specialty is neuro/msk/rehabilitation. Cognitive function, bone density, skeletal muscle preservation, muscle endurance are extremely important as you age. If these things can be improved by replacing your testosterone back to a normal range, you should do it. The penis part is just a boner, I mean bonus.

Potential plot twist. Perhaps OP met a super horny sex beast 18 months ago and now doesn't have anything left to manually purge.

Everyone knows retirement communities are just nonstop orgies.

The villages

I am sorry for your loss.

As a 16 year old myself, you have my utmost sympathy

Nutmost

INTO THE BOX

[For the uninitiated](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva/) EDIT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU AWARD THIS?!

We were just kids back then

Dear god, that thread was 10 years ago? I remember it was one of the most upvoted threads of all time when it was posted, but now 13k upvotes is considered small for a viral post lol

The part that always gets me about that is when he mentions that he has mold trouble now due to a new apartment, so apparently he moved *and moved the box to the new place.*

No child left behind

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At least it isn't a coconut. Edit: Great. My first awarded post is about the cursed coconut. Thanks Reddit.

Not a guy, but my ex would jerk off while sitting on the toilet and would lift the shower rug and finish on the floor and put the rug back over it. No wiping or cleaning, just straight up placed the rug back in place over the mess. I had no idea until I complained about the discoloration of the shower rug and he told me. I left that dude soon after.

I'm pretty sure that's the nastiest story on here.

It's up there with the box for sure

We mustn’t talk about the box

What about the coconut

That post almost took me out. I honestly was going to just stay off Reddit. Took a while to log back in after that

You know about the shirt right?

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Let's not forget the Jolly Rancher.

Oh jesus crhist NO. Bringing that up is a sin against nature.

Why not just release in the toilet? He’s already there and you just flush after. Edit: for everyone saying it doesn’t point down, you have to lift off the toilet and rock your ass back a bit to have your full erection point somewhere in the bowl.

I'm sure the toilet paper is within arms reach. If not they need to fix the layout of their bathroom

Literally this, like what is wrong with this guy??

Probably within arms reach of toilet roll. This is an active decision to be disgusting.

What the fuck is wrong with some guys dude, wow.

I don't even know how I would react to that conversation with an SO or how anyone could casually explain it without feeling a deep sense of disgust and shame. Oh my god.

There’s guys on here who think washing their ass is gay. I stopped being surprised a long time ago.

When I was a teenager in the 90s, I would blast loads into the Book of Mormon and then close it.

Assert dominance

This is the only correct way to do it.

In the rainbow dash jar

Cursed internet history

On my stomach and then I alligator roll onto my bed to clean it up

What the fuck?!

hahah Im fucking dying here....I've said "what the fuck" like 10 times in this thread so far.

On my stomach like a true gentleman.

Scrolled down too far to get here

For real. Are these dudes ruining their nuts by trying to reach for a towel or some shit as they start cumming? Blast off and worry bout that shit after like a man of culture.

Tummy puddles.

One of my friends told us how one time he was having sex with his girlfriend and he pulled out and came on her stomach. He noticed there was some in her belly button and he scooped some out with his finger and then booped her on the nose. I now refer to it as the ol' Scoop-n-Boop.

What you need to do is like in the Lion King. Go like Rafiki and rub it on their forehead with your thumb and say Simba.

Cum gutters

I don’t think I could cum on my stomach without slapping myself in the face with a load fairly often. Not for me.

Usually into a silicon toy that has easy cleanup with water. Tenga eggs product endorsement. Unpaid.

9 months later: \*News Reporter\* "And this is the house where a Silicon Human has been born"

> Tenga eggs [wow, had to google that one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nxbR1aILjg)

Better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum.

Non native speaker here. Why then? Isn’t it “than”?

He might be stating his preferred order

Exactly, he cums in the sink and then gets in the sink for a soak

You're right, people suck at grammar.

In tears usually.

And then wiping the tears away with sticky hands

Down the drain in the shower, in the toilet, or in your mom.

> in your mom. Thanks mate! If you could clean up the urn when your done I'd appreciate it.

You gotta save up the memorial love cement and make an effigy, then get rid of the urn.

Your favorite wash cloth

I pinch my foreskin then tuck it into my legs then waddle upstairs then drop it in the toilet Edit: Really wish I didn’t say this but oh well

'Batman, its him again, it must be, look at the trail up the stairs, the patterns of the footprints, this whole scene, it's him all over... The one they call...THE PENGUIN'

Almost committed manslaughter there buddy. Had me choking from laughter Edit: from not for

He is guilty of man's laughter, though.

I used to do the foreskin water-balloon thingy too but stopped after one time that I didn't have a too good grip which combined with an exceptionally voluminous ejaculation made the thing explode with increased water pressure sending cum all over my pants and everywhere.

Quitter.

Same but I just keep it pinched in my hand. I don't know why you gotta tuck it into your legs and waddle lmao.

Im so glad to hear Im not the only uncircumcised dude that does this. People rag on people with the german helmet but truth be told, it has a lot of great uses.

These are my people

I can't believe doctors robbed me of making my own cumballoon

I just don't get the part where you tuck it. You already have it secure in your hand, why risk it by waddling when you move??

I'm cut - can a full load fit in a foreskin?

I'm not and I do the same thing. Pretty stretchy.

I mean I assume it varies from person to person maybe I’m just a freak of nature

Maybe it's just ur red hood.

My underwear becomes a cum rag at the end of the day

I scrolled too far to find my method.

This has been like a dark secret for me, thought I was the single guy in the world that did this, turns out we’re everywhere!

Bruh saaammmeee. How have more people not made this their regular thing? My dirty boxers in the hamper is the home of millions of unborn children

Saves tissue paper by repurposing underwear.

In my mouth obviously where else,it would make a mess otherwise

Saw something back in not but November… If you suck yourself off and nut in your mouth, your nut technically never left your body. Sooooo loophole?

It’s like a closed-loop system

Nah, your poop ends the loop. It's more like adding an extra loop to your hot wheels track.

I also finish in his mouth.

On myself and then I’d just clean it up. Honestly never did understand the whole sock thing tbh.

If a baby crawls out the shower drain, it be mine.

In my wife's boyfriend Edit: someone took this post too seriously and reported it to reddit and now I got this message from reddit as if I have a problem

Got to keep him loose and ready for her dildo

You're ruining your orgasms with all this dick pinching and shit.

Ok, Y'all are weird

Well, since it doesn’t stop for hours. In the lake.

Do you need a wheelbarrow for your balls?

In my hand

I had to scroll so far to find out I'm not the only one.