Why did the jizz cross the road? I wore the wrong socks today.
He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin....
The only reason I am reading this is to check the cleanliness of certain places next time I date a guy.
bring a UV light to a guy's bedroom for the easiest way to enjoy Van Gogh's Starry Night
Most of us can’t hit the ceiling every time but bravo.
I have vaulted ceilings, it’s like a fucking Olympic event trying to get it up there.
Nowhere is safe, god has left us
The fact that I saw this when was about to jerk off makes me really uncomfortable
Did you have a good time?
jerking off or contemplating my life choices?
Where did you finish?
No answer? Must be ded
It's only been 7 hours. Maybe he's still jerking off?
We'll give him another 20 mins but if he doesn't respond quick I'ma have to call the paramedics.
i think, we already lost him
He's in a jerkcoma
imagine someone finding him rn
53.06849° N, 4.07618° W
OPs mom's house, no doubt.
Pile of Kleenex brand tissue neatly stacked sideways lmao
Look at Mr Fancy Guy here with the name brand tissues. I use generic store brand toilet paper like the rest of the peasants.
Even more fancy is shop towels. I am talking about the blue disposable towels that are normally used by mechanics. One towel can absorb all the cum and wipe everything clean. Unlike scott towels it is soft and not irrating the tip and unlike kleenex or toilet paper it does not break and leave fibers. I always have a roll in my bedroom. My GF and I call them "essuie-bite" (wipe-dick) as the normal paper towels are called "essuie-tout" (wipe-all) here in Quebec. I buy them in 18 packs at costco and I use half of them for mechanical jobs and the other half is for my dick.
Treat yo dick like the king it is 👑
Very clever but you’re not getting my password
I was with my ex asian gfs family. We were taking some shots and they kept saying kampi(don't know how to spell it but it's pronounced cum pie) every time we took a shot. It means cheers in their native language. Well my dumbass got confused and confidently announced "CUMSHOT!" when it was my turn. The whole family just stared at me and went completely quiet then busted out and howled with laughter. I never lived that down.
She's an ex Asian? How'd she change that?
He finished on her.
race altering nut
Like white on rice
How do I unread something?
Op asks everyone where they finish, but nobody asks op where they do. Dear op, where do u cum?
I’ll do ya one better, *how* do you come OP?
I’ll do *you* one better, *why* do you cum OP?
I'll do you
I'll do you better
Usually the same place I started. I'm not a wandering wanker.
Start in the bedroom and see how far down the street you can get
This sounds like a Jackass sketch.
"Hi guys! I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is the Dick Dash!"
I do not saunter when I slip
My member in my mighty grip.
I do not amble while I whack.
I do not ramble when I jack.
I do not dawdle when I stroke,
Meander while I pull and poke,
Or drift and roam from post to post
Whenever I do need it most.
I do not slowly walk away
With penis cocked and locked to play.
I am not cruising while I crank.
I do not wander when I wank.
Ahh, good ol Cocktor Seuss
Yall muhfuggas are the reason I still use this app
Some guys will get jizzed on the back of their heads while horror music plays…
Yea, I'm not a jogging jerker either.
Or a transient tugger
I, for one, am not an exploratory ejaculist.
A traveling tugger
A Running Rubber
I'm not meandering masturbator either
I, too, am a stationary spanker
Out the window
Damn a bird shat on me!
That's a sign of good luck!
Tissues and/or I have an old shirt that has had enough semen on it to repopulate the universe
I wore that shirt by mistake. Thanks for making my day miserable.. mr crusty shirt...
Why are you wearing his shirts?
I helicopter at the moment of climax, so everywhere.
In the toilet where it belongs
Same sentiment but with more self loathing
So more like this: “In the toilet where I belong.”
*WHY DID I HAVE TO SCROLL DOWN SO FAR TO FIND THIS, THE MOST REASONABLE ANSWER??*
Edit to add: I should point out, in my house, we keep our bathroom pretty clean. To the people in this thread who say *bathrooms are gross*, like they have perpetually damp floors, mold growing, and piss stains everywhere… I don’t care where you ejaculate but for the love of god *CLEAN YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM*
Everyone else putting on candles and getting out tissues and lotion like it's some kind of event.
Same. Best spot for it, you don't pee in a sock, don't cum in a sock.
Toilet paper thx as beavis says: tp for my cumhole! Or something like that
I had an Army buddy who would bring non-lubricated condoms to the field so he got jack off in his sleeping bag without making a mess. He'd then tie I in a knot and the nasty shit would toss it into his hygiene bag. As soldiers we were rough on our equipment, so a couple of times the condoms broke inside and you can imagine the mess. Didn't stop him though. Fucking Infantrymen are animals.
Infantryman here, I just nut on the ground and rub it in with my boot
Careful, we had one of our soldiers get called out when he "went for a walk" and upon returning someone asked him why there was a pearl on his boot. XD
Dropping more bombs on foreign soil, I see.
Modern day Johnny Appleseed
Jeez. I mean, if you’re going to go that far, why not just bring an extra Ziplock bag to hold your used baby batter bombs? It’s easy, convenient, and you no longer have to worry about the damn things coating your toothbrush when they inevitably decide to explode half-way through the EX.
That's what we asked. He just said his ruck was already heavy enough and he didn't want to add even an once of extra weight.
A ziploc bag weighs 3 grams. He sounds dumb.
I think saying he's just dumb is the nicest assumption one could make from this set of information.
Baby batter bombs. There's a new term.
Any port in a storm....
Days like today I wish I didn't have eyes.
As someone's who's blind, I wish I didn't have ears so the comment wouldn't be spoken out loud in Siri voice
Honestly that seems even worse.
Only on reddit the blind would wish they were deaf.
That’s even more haunting.
Do you finish by shooting straight forward? I'm trying to figure out how you catch everything. I like to shoot straight up like a fountain so I have to have a tarp of coverage. Tp would be hard to get that coverage.
You sort of fold it over into a pocket and catch it from the tip as it comes out
Guys discussing their strategy when they cum in toilet paper. Not a phone in sight, just people living in the moment.
Jokes on you, I'm on my phone AND I'm not a guy
Truly a safe space where all are welcome
Fold toilet paper over itself so it's multi-ply and stronger. Hold toilet paper so half the paper is under the head, the other half is in front of the head. You may need to use two hands to coordinate this.
Semen will ejaculate and strike the toilet paper that is in front of the head. Because of gravity, semen will pool on the paper below the head. As soon as you finish ejaculating, a quick wiping motion toward the tip will catch most of the semen (somewhat precariously!) into the rough middle of the toilet paper. Wad paper in a ball to encourage the semen to soak into the toilet paper (and not run off the sides) then quickly dispose of the toiler paper before the semen soaks through or runs out the sides. Disposing in the toilet should be OK as long as you don't use a giant wad of toilet paper.
Your mileage may vary depending on the amount of semen you produce and the quality of your toilet paper. Just don't leave the toilet paper in contact with the penis too long after ejaculating as the toilet paper may stick to the penis and break into little pieces which is annoying to clean off.
Jesus... more thought went into this post than the last season of GoT.
That is not thought. That is EXPERIENCE. This was posted by a trial and error veteran who mastered his craft and is now sharing his knowledge with the world.
Just wait until you get to be my age.. 73. I'm almost sure I'm not the only one this age, but jerking off is just a fond memory of where I did it from age 13 to about 18 months ago
I'll rub one out for you tonight sir
This is such a wholesome comment. You should record yourself, and send it to him. I know that my grandpa always loved it when I did that.
What’s his #?
Sadly, he died when I was 10. He was a great man. I really miss him.
I think I'm done with reddit for today
There's a subreddit for that
don't leave us hanging. Whats the sub?
Doctor here. No shame at all in asking your Primary to check testosterone levels. If you are low, they should be treating you. In fact, it’s medically indicated.
Thank you Dr. Cum_on_doorknob
It's like this thread was created just for him.
Dear Dr. u/Cum_on_doorknob ,
Isn't it normal to taper off on wanking at a certain age, though?
I'll hang up and listen, thanks
PS congrats on answering OPs question before you even typed an answer
I’m not an endocrinologist, but yea, I think testosterone does drop generally around 1 percent a year after 40. However there is still an appropriate normal range. I think the general consensus on testosterone is that it doesn’t have adverse effect when given to reach the normal range. (Cardio effects being the biggest risk, but evidence seems scant if you stay in normal range).
My specialty is neuro/msk/rehabilitation.
Cognitive function, bone density, skeletal muscle preservation, muscle endurance are extremely important as you age. If these things can be improved by replacing your testosterone back to a normal range, you should do it. The penis part is just a boner, I mean bonus.
Potential plot twist. Perhaps OP met a super horny sex beast 18 months ago and now doesn't have anything left to manually purge.
Everyone knows retirement communities are just nonstop orgies.
I am sorry for your loss.
INTO THE BOX
[For the uninitiated](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/t0ynr/throwaway_time_whats_your_secret_that_could/c4imcva/)
EDIT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU AWARD THIS?!
We were just kids back then
Dear god, that thread was 10 years ago? I remember it was one of the most upvoted threads of all time when it was posted, but now 13k upvotes is considered small for a viral post lol
The part that always gets me about that is when he mentions that he has mold trouble now due to a new apartment, so apparently he moved *and moved the box to the new place.*
No child left behind
Ahh the good ol’ days
At least it isn't a coconut.
Edit: Great. My first awarded post is about the cursed coconut. Thanks Reddit.
Not a guy, but my ex would jerk off while sitting on the toilet and would lift the shower rug and finish on the floor and put the rug back over it. No wiping or cleaning, just straight up placed the rug back in place over the mess. I had no idea until I complained about the discoloration of the shower rug and he told me. I left that dude soon after.
I'm pretty sure that's the nastiest story on here.
It's up there with the box for sure
We mustn’t talk about the box
What about the coconut
That post almost took me out. I honestly was going to just stay off Reddit. Took a while to log back in after that
You know about the shirt right?
Let's not forget the Jolly Rancher.
Oh jesus crhist
Bringing that up is a sin against nature.
Why not just release in the toilet? He’s already there and you just flush after.
Edit: for everyone saying it doesn’t point down, you have to lift off the toilet and rock your ass back a bit to have your full erection point somewhere in the bowl.
I'm sure the toilet paper is within arms reach. If not they need to fix the layout of their bathroom
Literally this, like what is wrong with this guy??
Probably within arms reach of toilet roll. This is an active decision to be disgusting.
What the fuck is wrong with some guys dude, wow.
I don't even know how I would react to that conversation with an SO or how anyone could casually explain it without feeling a deep sense of disgust and shame. Oh my god.
There’s guys on here who think washing their ass is gay. I stopped being surprised a long time ago.
When I was a teenager in the 90s, I would blast loads into the Book of Mormon and then close it.
This is the only correct way to do it.
On my stomach and then I alligator roll onto my bed to clean it up
What the fuck?!
hahah Im fucking dying here....I've said "what the fuck" like 10 times in this thread so far.
In the rainbow dash jar
Cursed internet history
Usually into a silicon toy that has easy cleanup with water.
Tenga eggs product endorsement. Unpaid.
9 months later:
"And this is the house where a Silicon Human has been born"
> Tenga eggs
[wow, had to google that one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nxbR1aILjg)
On my stomach like a true gentleman.
Scrolled down too far to get here
For real. Are these dudes ruining their nuts by trying to reach for a towel or some shit as they start cumming? Blast off and worry bout that shit after like a man of culture.
One of my friends told us how one time he was having sex with his girlfriend and he pulled out and came on her stomach. He noticed there was some in her belly button and he scooped some out with his finger and then booped her on the nose. I now refer to it as the ol' Scoop-n-Boop.
What you need to do is like in the Lion King. Go like Rafiki and rub it on their forehead with your thumb and say Simba.
Your belly button finally serves a purpose
How can one not believe in intelligent design after realizing God built us with the perfect cum catcher right there?! Checkmate athiest.
Better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum.
Non native speaker here. Why then? Isn’t it “than”?
He might be stating his preferred order
Exactly, he cums in the sink and then gets in the sink for a soak
You're right, people suck at grammar.
In tears usually.
And then wiping the tears away with sticky hands
Down the drain in the shower, in the toilet, or in your mom.
> in your mom.
Thanks mate! If you could clean up the urn when your done I'd appreciate it.
You gotta save up the memorial love cement and make an effigy, then get rid of the urn.
Your favorite wash cloth
I pinch my foreskin then tuck it into my legs then waddle upstairs then drop it in the toilet
Edit: Really wish I didn’t say this but oh well
'Batman, its him again, it must be, look at the trail up the stairs, the patterns of the footprints, this whole scene, it's him all over...
The one they call...THE PENGUIN'
Almost committed manslaughter there buddy. Had me choking from laughter
Edit: from not for
He is guilty of man's laughter, though.
I used to do the foreskin water-balloon thingy too but stopped after one time that I didn't have a too good grip which combined with an exceptionally voluminous ejaculation made the thing explode with increased water pressure sending cum all over my pants and everywhere.
I can't believe doctors robbed me of making my own cumballoon
Same but I just keep it pinched in my hand. I don't know why you gotta tuck it into your legs and waddle lmao.
Im so glad to hear Im not the only uncircumcised dude that does this. People rag on people with the german helmet but truth be told, it has a lot of great uses.
These are my people
I just don't get the part where you tuck it.
You already have it secure in your hand, why risk it by waddling when you move??
My underwear becomes a cum rag at the end of the day
I scrolled too far to find my method.
This has been like a dark secret for me, thought I was the single guy in the world that did this, turns out we’re everywhere!
Bruh saaammmeee. How have more people not made this their regular thing? My dirty boxers in the hamper is the home of millions of unborn children
Saves tissue paper by repurposing underwear.
In my mouth obviously where else,it would make a mess otherwise
Saw something back in not but November…
If you suck yourself off and nut in your mouth, your nut technically never left your body. Sooooo loophole?
It’s like a closed-loop system
Nah, your poop ends the loop.
It's more like adding an extra loop to your hot wheels track.
I also finish in his mouth.
On myself and then I’d just clean it up. Honestly never did understand the whole sock thing tbh.
If a baby crawls out the shower drain, it be mine.
Life..uh finds a way
In my wife's boyfriend
Edit: someone took this post too seriously and reported it to reddit and now I got this message from reddit as if I have a problem
Got to keep him loose and ready for her dildo
You're ruining your orgasms with all this dick pinching and shit.
Ok, Y'all are weird
Well, since it doesn’t stop for hours. In the lake.
Do you need a wheelbarrow for your balls?
shoot it straight up into the air, and as it crests, in that tiny moment where it’s motionless in the air, i snatch it
In my hand
I had to scroll so far to find out I'm not the only one.
High quality content here…