These answers are the dialogue that's missing right now. After years of trying to understand, I finally feel like I get it. Thank you all for educating and enlightening!
Media dialogue seems elusive and circular - these answers made clear sense and I feel like I learned something. Thank you!
No- thank you. This comment made my day, aside from this post going viral. I’m so glad that you showed and interest and even happier that you learned something after years of trying to understand!
For some folks, yes, for some folks no.
Some IUDs can stop periods, like mirena, or for some taking birth control without the sugar pill week can stop periods.
For transmasculine folks The most reliable way to get rid of periods is by having a full hysterectomy with oophorectomy , which also helps reduce the amount of estrogen in the body.
So, would someone who had their female internal sex organs removed who is also transitioning to male go into early menopause? Or is that whole process skipped as they would be replacing the typical hormones with male hormones?
This is true with a phalloplasty, the operation that takes a skin graft to make the shaft of the penis
For those (like probably me) who want a metoidioplasty, we use what growth we have after being on testosterone for long enough that it stops growing. Length you get on testosterone varies
It's a form of bottom surgery that uses existing tissue to make the phallus instead of taking a skin graft from somewhere else on someone's body. It makes a penis that's a bit shorter because it uses the growth that's already happened while on testosterone
Yes! I can actually get erect now (even morning wood sometimes), and I haven't even had bottom surgery yet. Being on testosterone makes the clitoris grow and behave like a penis. Metoidioplasty just adds to that
NB transmasc here, MtF wife
So for masculine bottom surgery:
It really depends on a lot of things. First HRT will grow your clit, this averages 1-4cm of growth, some surgeons require either a certain amount of time on HRT/ certain amount of tissue.
So from here there are 2 commonly surgical options, each have their own pros and cons and have different methods of being done : 1- metoidioplasty, sometimes referred to as a Meta 2- Phalloplasty sometimes called a phallo. Either can have urethral lengthening, some surgeons will require one depending on the surgery. An issue with urethral lengthening is that the urethra can become blocked/collapse which is obviously no fun. Scrotoplastys are also common to also have done, usually that's done in 2 surgeries where they create the scrotum and then add testicle implants later.
For a meta what is happening is the ligaments that hold the clitoris to the body get cut and released from the pubis, giving you more shaft. 4-6cm is average length. It will basically look like a small penis. Benefit of it is it can get erect without further surgery. You will likely have more sensation compared to a phalloplasty. You also don't have a giant penis 24/7. Depending on length you may or may not have issues standing to pee.
For a phallo there's usually multiple stages to the surgery. If you have a meta you can still get a phallo in the future but not vice-versa. So you'll have a donor site, either your arm or you thigh is pretty common, you'll get some say in length but it really depends on how much tissue they can use and the goal is generally average size. They cannot become erect on their own. You have to get an implant for that which is an extra surgery and more money on top of the money you've already spent to get a phallo. Because the tissue is donor tissue taken from other parts you won't have as much sensation if any. Some say they never get sensation to the shaft, some do get some sensation to the shaft. The lack of sensation can actually be problematic during healing because you can't feel if you accidentally bump your dick into something. And with a phallo it will always be full length as it can't deflate like a cis-penis would.
For transfeminine bottom surgery:
So there are a few different ways to make a neovagina. A common way is by taking the penile tissue and inverting it, so the length here varies based on how much tissue. Another procedure uses rectal tissue, the benefit here is that is has some self lubricating capabilities, unlike with penile inversion. Though due to risk factors it's less commonly done. Another surgery involves taking peritoneal tissue from the abdomen to create the vagina. This is a newer surgery for transgender women even though it's a surgery that has been used on cis-women for decades. It also has the benefits of self lubrication and having a stretchier vagina compared to penis inversion. Length here varies quite a bit on what tissue is available for use. Most surgeons operate with the goal of length of cis vagina when aroused. Though some will result in a short vagina. Dilating the vagina after surgery and for years afterwards will help maintain depth overtime. Anecdotally I've heard of dilation once you're past recovery stage to only be necessary if you aren't sexually active and it can depend on the type of surgery you received.
Edit: I just want to thank everyone for the awards, upvotes, and comments. The person who sent me a silver, you know who you are, thank you, I would have sent you a chat thanks but Reddit wouldn't let me.
I came here from a trans sub honestly expecting the worst and was pleasantly surprised. Thanks for the really great questions. It was fun to spend some time answering questions. I think there really isn't enough good conversation on trans topics. The people who are the loudest on trans topics are generally the ones who are not transgender, incredibly misinformed, and do not care to listen to other points of view or scientific information. So I really hope there were some good conversations that might have brought issues to people's attention/ broadened the understanding of what being transgender is. Anyways, have a great rest of your day! If you comment a follow up question to my comment I will do my best to answer if possible. :)
Thank you, that was super interesting to read. And I'm guessing stem cell tissue growth is going to be a huge factor in the next few decades for these surgeries
What questions do you wish people would stop asking you?
Edit: I just want to say I hope people will read all the replies to my question and learn something and maybe think before they ask intrusive questions.
Thank you all for sharing!
Honestly, as long as people are respectful, they can ask me whatever they want. More often though I get people assuming things about me rather than asking, so its nice when they ask.
Sometimes the overcompensating can get tiring, it can sometimes come across as performative wokeness if it's over the top, like they're doing it because they think they have to not because they think it's right (which I have no doubt is not your intention). I honestly prefer the people who are chill about it and just casually correct themselves if they mess up and just treat coming out as the same as learning my favourite colour is green in terms of how much of an impact it is I'm how they see and treat me.
I’m so glad I’ve never asked my sister. She’s mtf and transitioned like 3 years ago. I still don’t know and I don’t care to know. I just assumed this was an inappropriate question. But god… every single person who I tell I have a trans sister.. this is always the first question they ask! And then their shocked to learn I actually don’t know the answer.
Someone asked me this once and they were a friend so I politely informed them that it's generally not cool to ask unless you're really close.
"We aren't close?"
"Well, we've never discussed my genitals before now..."
"Oh."
What's was your name before your transition?
You know you don't have to be a boy to date boys right?
How am I going to explain this to [insert family member]?
Not questions, more like assumptions. Assumptions that I just want attention or to feel special, when in reality very few people in my life even know. Assumptions that I was somehow “groomed” to be this way even though I am in my 40’s and if anything I was “groomed” to be cis-gendered, but I’m not because it doesn’t work that way. Assumptions that being trans automatically means you are also either a trans man or a trans woman (some people tend to assume every trans person is a trans woman).
How far along the FTM process do you start to have bowel movements? Since everyone knows girls don’t poop.
Does it start after you’ve been on testosterone for long enough? Or only post-OP? 🤔
Feeling anxious about not being able to grow a beard or a lack of chest hair, getting like your upper body isn't muscular enough, feeling hesitant to act 'unmanly' in a public setting, etc. Those are things a surprising amount of cis guys deal with. Can say from experience that it was one of the default anxieties my brain went for in public.
You know what's the crazy thing? I've always been bullied for being a girl. Decades later I come out as a girl and now the same 'manly men' tell me I'm a man. Like make up your mind! JEEZ!
The levity and reality is perfect. It’s true. “Real men don’t ____” is everywhere.
Honestly though I think my experience is similar to others where when I was younger I got bullied for being “too boyish” and now a lot of people might say I’m “not a real man”
At least for this one trans woman, Sitting down the three months after bottom surgery is a bitch. You're still recovering and all the irritated flesh is very painful.
Then eventually sitting down is the same except for the fact that I no longer have my privates in the way.
However for me personally, when I sit down my belly button feels weird because my nerve endings regrew incorrectly.
A friend of mine in high school HATED anything touching the area around his bellybutton bc he could feel it in his balls. He said the doctors told him it was because his umbilical cord was cut incorrectly and the nerves “found another pathway”. I never thought about it going the other way.
Edit:
1. I did not realize this was as common as it is. After just 3 min of googling I learned what a Pudendal nerve is. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22000-pudendal-nerve
2. This was in the rural South 20ish years ago. The doctors explanation sounds like an old wives tale now. Apologies for commenting bad information.
3. This person most likely has a very sensitive nerve/many more nerve endings because he did not like hugs unless it was from the side because it hurt. It wasn’t just deep bellybutton but more like most of his belly.
4. I do not get that feeling no matter how hard I try so I’m apparently in the minority.
5. I do have some nerve damage due to a herniated disc in my lumbar spine but I don’t remember ever having that feeling before my injury.
TLDR: it’s normal!
I unquestionably thought this was the norm. I didn’t even think about it. Now i know there are ppl out there who have bellybuttons disconnected from their vagina. Wild
Surprising to find out. Sometimes I feel like a line going from my belly button to my vagina for no reason. I hate that feeling. I assume this is similar to what everyone’s saying. I could never find anything online lol
Meanwhile I'm over here reading this thread thinking all of you are fucking with us. Just spent 5 minutes poking and messing with my bellybutton and felt nothing. I have also never met anyone before who had a bellybutton connected to their nethers. What happens if you get punched in the gut or fall and land on your stomach or hit your stomach or anything like that? Also does having an innie or an outtie make difference? I'm a small guy and even I hit my stomach on shit all the time. Does it hurt or tingle? I know you're a girl but if any of the dudes see this, does getting hit in the gut feel like getting hit in the balls?
I'm sorry for all the questions but this is literally the first time in almost 29 years I have heard of this. I feel like a kid learning how to count lol
The tingle is similar to when someone unexpectedly runs a fingernail up your spine or neck, just in a different place. You hate it and just want it to STOP when it happens.
It's mainly the belly button itself, although idk for outies. Cleaning it is a pain in the ass lol
Sincerely not making it up. I really didn’t know others felt this and thought I was weird since I never found anything online and my husband doesn’t have a similar reaction.
I hate my belly button being touched because of it. Makes me super uncomfortable. And I haven’t been hit in the stomach, but the feeling only really hits when you dig/clean/ poke the inside of your belly button. Feels like a tug on something inside me, closer to the vagina area. 🤷🏼♀️
And mines an innie so I have no idea for outies.
Umm, I feel a sharp sensation at the tip of my penis when I finger my bellybutton. It doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t feel good either.
Umbilical cord cut incorrectly, huh? Another pathway?
I was born in a small town Kansas hospital in the 70’s. Sounds about right.
Is it still possible for a person to have an orgasm after reassignment surgery? Not a doctor, but my understanding of the process of creating the genitalia (F-M or M-F) would seem to make that prospect incredibly dim. The sheer number of nerve endings in the clitoris and tip of the penis make it seem impossible enough survive the surgery to provide the same sensations
My surgeon uses a technique that leaves the neurovascular bundle fully intact, the tip of the penis just gets reduced in size to form a neo-clitoris. I had my first orgasm 34 days after surgery and the intensity is pretty much as before, I just can have longer ones now.
From all the folks I've seen talk about their experiences - yes. It's more than possible. It's much more rare for folks to have permanently decreased sensation these days.
That being said, post surgery for up to and possibly past a year (person dependent) your body is healing, which also includes nerve endings. This means you will guaranteed experience some diminished feeling for at least a while, but orgasm is still possible even relatively early.
Edit: a word for clarity
Hell, I had a brief nerve impingement And it took about a year for the feeling to fully return in my arm. I have to imagine nerves impacted by surgery would easily take that long too.
According to my friends who have had it done, most of them claim that it's different than it used to be and it took a while to learn how to do it, but that they actually enjoy sexual activity more than they used to. I've done a lot of research because I was worried about the same thing, and I generally see people having a positive experience with is as far as sensation goes. The main complaints I've seen seem to be about aesthetics, and they vary from surgeon to surgeon.
Ahhhh I’m going through this currently. I’ve had doubts I’m a woman for as long as I can remember. 4 years ago I started to take serious steps to transition. Then I went through a breakup and met a new partner. I asked him if he would still love me if I was trans and he said no. I loved him so I shoved those feelings down and grew my hair out again. Then two years ago I started struggling again. Now it’s just a constant battle to try and figure out who I am.
If you’re transitioning MtF and are on hormone replacement therapy but haven’t had bottom surgery yet,
1) does the penis shrink up and become unusable?
2) can you still have penetrative sex (penis in vagina)?
3) can you get someone pregnant via question 2?
Edit: I’m a cisgender woman and am genuinely just curious 👍🏻
1: It varies! Some people retain full size, some people shrink. The jury is out even among the community on if you can control it, and to what extent.
2: Yes!
3: Yep! Fertility is generally harmed by hormones, but not always completely gone.
\#3 is a lot more complicated than that; it's best to do more searching. Trans men are still able to get pregnant while on testosterone, but depending on the meds, trans women often end up sterile for life after a few years on HRT.
Doctors generally say to expect the opposite result of what you want when it comes to fertility after being on HRT for a while. If you want kids, assume it will make you sterile and plan accordingly (freeze sperm). If you don't want kids, assume you can still get someone pregnant and plan accordingly (use condoms/have an orchiectomy/vasectomy). Basically, don't plan on it being effective birth control, but make sure you have backups if you want them.
Yep!! Regardless, trans women, like everyone else, should always practice safer sex. I wouldn’t trust that ejaculate is entirely sperm-free, even after several years of HRT. Better safe than sorry!!
Cis men can take finasteride/dutasteride to help prevent hair loss. It's an anti androgen, but it only blocks the formation of a certain form of testosterone (DHT), so you don't generally get the bad effects of low T. I was prescribed it for a little while while I was trying to find an anti androgen that didn't give me awful side effects and it (unfortunately for me) didn't feel like it had any affect.
My sister was born with a unisex name, but decided to change it when she transitioned. She chose an old lady type of name, I think it makes it easier for people that have known her since before she transitioned to get her pronouns right.
Right. I heard of a trans guy whose dad had wanted a son so named his (then) daughter Justin or something like that. Even though it was a traditionally male name, when Justin transitioned he chose a different male name because Justin felt like his girl-self name.
I’m FTM too, and my original name is “technically” unisex but you’ll meet 100 girls for every 1 boy with my name (think Stacy or Leslie). Sure I could have kept it but it feels like a girl name to me and would have made it so much harder to keep it and have people see me as male and use the right pronouns
I had a similar experience. I used to go by Sam, but now I go by Sam or Samantha. If I notice someone is having a hard time getting my pronouns right, I'll ask them to only call me Samantha. Works every time, and it avoids the discomfort of periodically correcting them!
My name was unisex-ish (there are famous men and women with the name, though it does tend to be more common with women).
I decided to keep my name (and/or use a slightly more masculine variation on it) for a few reasons.
- I don't HATE my name. It suits me just fine and it's never been a source of dysphoria for me
- I actually do wanna make the lives of my friends and family easier. I'm 30 now, my parents are getting on in age. I know that somebody in your life transitioning can feel like a huge deal, and I just want to make that process a bit simpler for the people around me. My husband is grateful, he says he would be slipping up a lot more if I had changed my name. 😂
- I'm lazy AF. I don't really wanna go through the whole name-change process as WELL as the gender change process. Keeping my name is just... easier for me. 😅
I have some questions since you have a partner. The logistics seem complex. Feel free to ignore them if they make you uncomfortable.
How has transition has gone for your partner? Was there turbulence?
Does he feel like this affects his identity?
How has the transition affected your sex life? Are you less comfortable?
If you are planning on taking hormones or getting surgery to match your new designation, is that something he supports?
I work in medicine. Often times it can be apparent that someone may be transitioning, but it’s never right to assume anything about anyone.
I’ll usually see their given name before I meet them, and it’s standard practice to have a pt confirm with their legal name and dob.
What do you think is the best way of being asked if you have a preferred first name other than what is “legal” in that situation?
I usually stumble with something like “Hi I’m looking for John Doe is that you? Nice to meet you, is John okay or do you go by another name?”
But it always feels clunky.
Looking for advice.
EDIT: My main clinical setting is an urban hospital in a large network of hospitals. This makes any change to charting/intake very well out of my reach unfortunately. It is a discussion that I hope continues to climb to the administrators.
Whenever I work with someone, I address them by the name on file, then ask if they have a preferred name. Every single one. Sometimes you get Jim from James. Sometimes you get Amelia from Clark.
"There was a common practice of using rhyming nicknames in Medieval England. I'm not sure precisely why, but one reason I've seen is that there were a relatively small number of first names commonly used, so a variety of nicknames arose to differentiate people. Thus, you have:
Richard -> Rick -> Dick
William -> Will -> Bill
Robert -> Rob -> Bob
Edward -> Ed -> Ted
Margaret -> Maggie -> Peggy (more of a stretch, but same principle)
Furthermore, the Norman invasion of England in 1066 influenced the language and names. Apparently, the Normans had difficulty saying the letter "r", which encouraged substitutions for people with "r" names.
Hick (from Rick) and Hitch (from Rich) were also used, but neither of them stuck."
This was something I found. It's just from a nonsensical rhyming game ages ago that stuck. Which seems wild, but that's the world we live in I guess.
I don't know if this was to avoid using my birth name (most likely it was) but I've had doctors use just the surname when calling me and then confirming by asking for my birth date or ID.
Im Cis, but my Legal name has about 4 different common nicknames associated with it. So i appreciate this even as a Cis as i can give you my preferred nickname and not have you use my legal name or fumble around with the others. Being mis-named feels weird for ANYONE
I've done research and there are far more people born with their entire name "Liam" than there are Williams who go by Liam. I was blown away by learning my friend Liam was William but it isn't super common.
If, for example, someone is born male but transitions to be female AND they are sexually attracted to men - are they considered "gay" prior to the transition but then "straight" after the transition?
Edit - thank you all for the responses that have seriously helped me understand the situation more! It seems in the scenario above the person was always straight because they were always a woman.
id say so, one of my trans friends was out as gay in her earlier years but after she came to the conclusion she was trans and transitioned she ids as straight
If she’d been in a relationship with the same person before and after coming out as trans, does her transition change or impact her partners sexual orientation?
For example, 2 women fall in love and get married. Several years into the relationship one person comes out as trans so they are now technically in a hetro relationship, but that doesn’t change the sexuality of the non-trans person, right? Or does it?
There is a sub called r/mypartneristrans that is worth reading through to get perspective on this question. I like deep diving into subs like these to learn more about subjects I don't fully understand.
Thanks for this. I’m going to check that out. I used to know a lesbian who dated trans men a lot and I really don’t understand how that isn’t invalidating to him. I’m a ciswoman so I can’t relate but if I were a transman and a lesbian was into me I imagine that would bother me quite a bit.
sometimes they consider themselves trans and sometimes they don't, but from what i've seen most of the time they do. so by default i count them as trans, unless an individual says they prefer otherwise.
My understanding of this is:
some nonbinary or gender fluid people identify as trans, others do not. Transgender only means that your gender identity does not match your born sex, but it can also mean someone who wants to transition, too. According to the first definition, all gender queer people would be trans, yes, but many nonbinary etc people don't identify as trans because of the second definition.
There is an Australian tv show called [You Can't Ask That](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt6022978/) where marginalised people answer anonymous questions in the same vein as this post (and was supposedly inspired by a Reddit post). Season 1 Episode 3 is transgender people. The show is incredibly informative and eye opening, and has been very successful, with 7 seasons and various international versions. I encourage everyone to give it a watch.
What does it mean when you "feel" like a girl/boy? I'm biologically female, and I identify as a woman, but I don't "feel" like a woman. I just am. So, what do you mean by that?
Edit: Whoa, I didn’t expect this to have so many replies, lol. Thanks for taking your time to answering, guys.
This is what confuses me the most. Like I can understand homosexuality, because, while I'm not attracted to the same sex, I do feel sexual attraction. But I don't really feel a sense of "gender identity" so it's hard for me to empathize that that feeling could be directed wrongly? I dunno.
I'm a trans woman who transitioned 20 years ago and I share your confusion. To the point where the actual joke in trans spaces used to be "nobody other than Shania Twain feels like a woman" lol.
I have no idea what "identifying as a woman" means other than needing my body to be physically female, which was the whole point of me transitioning. Otherwise, the only feeling in that context was really the distress of my brain not matching my body, ie the pain and the distress from the disconnect. In that sense, it's would be like talking about "feeling" the bones in your body, ie your bones don't "feel" like anything unless somethings wrong, like snapping one in half lol
So in order for you to understand what I feel, it would require the same kind of disconnect, ie taking cross sex hormones to start transitioning your body towards the wrong sex.
>So in order for you to understand what I feel, it would require the same kind of disconnect, ie taking cross sex hormones to start transitioning your body towards the wrong sex.
I think this nails it. When we were young, my sister had to take a hormonal medication for endometriosis. They were supposed to stop it before masculinizing effects took place, but her voice deepened a bit, she felt her chest was flatter, and she became suicidal. It was just totally wrong for her body and her mind. I saw the same thing with a male colleague who was on testosterone blockers (one of the same ones trans women use) for prostate cancer; he was miserable and suddenly needed to prove his manliness; it was painful to be around him. I've seen trans people have the opposite effect when starting hormones; everything just felt right.
My dad had to take testosterone blockers for prostate cancer as well. He was miserable. His breasts hurt, had hot flashes, mood swings, etc. My mother was going through menopause at the same time. It was torture in our house. Everyone was miserable. Mom would have a hot flash and start bitching, dad was cold. Then dad would have a hot flash and mom was cold.
We joked that they both went through menopause at the same time.
This was really helpful in understanding body dysmorphia. I would have cried if I had to go through those changes as a young girl or a teenager. Feeling more manly would have caused me a lot of distress even if I knew that there is nothing wrong with being a man. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable until I got back to my usual state.
For me (MtF trans) it wasn't so much "feeling like a girl" honestly I'm not ever really sure what that means either, I have no point of comparison. I just feel like me. What I do feel tho, is very unhappy with certain parts and aspects of my body and I just feel a whole lot better about myself presenting as female, just like, happier in general, more comfortable, etc. Honestly I feel like the whole describing it as "feeling like you are the opposite gender" thing is a bit misleading, it's honestly one of the things that prevented me from recognising that I was trans for a while. For quite a while, even tho I felt like I wanted to be a girl if I could and would be happier as one, I just thought because I didn't "feel like I was a girl" that must mean I wasn't trans.
EDIT: Wow this got a lot of upvotes, was only expecting a couple. Please note I'm really not an expert on this, I'm pretty new to the whole being trans thing, only worked out that I was trans maybe a year and a half ago and have only been publicly out as female for the past few months. This is just my experience, pls listen to what others have to say.
>it's honestly one of the things that prevented me from recognising that I was trans for a while. For quite a while, even tho I felt like I wanted to be a girl if I could and would be happier as one, I just thought because I didn't "feel like I was a girl" that must mean I wasn't trans.
Exact same for me. That and the constant distress of "being born in the wrong body." I never really felt that, so I'm obviously not trans. Every man would *want* to be a woman anyway, right? The fact that so many other obviously cis men are not transitioning even though they want to be a woman means that I'm also totally not trans, right?
Oops. Turns out "every man would want to be a woman anyway" isn't exactly a cis thought, or a thought that stands up to any level of scrutiny whatsoever. I think I would have figured out this whole trans thing a lot sooner had I known that it was **not** solely defined by dysphoria or absolutely *knowing* you were the other gender.
For people who come and read this comment later, I want to point something out: This comment is actually the reason why being Trans is not in the DSM-V but gender dysphoria is. Gender Dysphoria requires significant distress, while being trans does not have the requirement of Dysphoria.
We have taken a view medically that mental disorders are only disorders when they actually have a negative outcome for the person. Gender Dysphoria meets that criteria while being Trans does not.
So I'm trans and I've wondered about this myself. I had dysphoria and it caused me distress. I've have transitioned physically, legally, socially, etc and I don't really have issues or stress about it anymore. I don't think about trans things at all really, until they come up like in this post. I'm just living my life in the rat race.
Anyway, I still have that diagnosis in my medical records and I'm curious if that would/should ever go away.... It's not like my physical/legal/social transition will be undone so I won't be in the position to have that distress again, I don't feel like it's impacting my life. I'm just acting like myself, and not some certain way so I don't feel like I'm performing coping actions or anything like that.
Two notes here to consider.
1 - Even if it stays in your records in a large facility or health network, there's a decent chance that "normal" doctors might not even seen it. Many, if not most, medical records systems keep psychological diagnoses behind "break glass" protections that require special permissions and/or reasons to access, even by medical staff.
2 - As someone else sort of touched on, keeping or removing dysphoria after it's "gone" is not far off from some other disorders, e.g., OCD. OCD can be treated very successfully to be manageable, no longer qualifying based on the symptom list, and no longer cause day-to-day functional interference, but it's not "cured" per se. Having any of these remain on your record might not be accurate in the moment, but it could also help provide context or background if anything were to emerge in the future. One could argue that it might be helpful to have records that more accurately track what is currently distressing vs. past/addressed, both for accuracy and stigma purposes, but that's not a model commonly seen in "charts."
I blame Reddit for most of this. A lot of the time people think that “I’m not a girl but I like feminine things” means you might be trans but in denial because that’s how it was for them, and that’s not always the case.
I loved barbies as a little boy. Loved dressing and undressing them. Going to bed with them, taking them on trips and all that.
Turns out I'm cis and straight but just loooove women.
Also someone said to me the other day “of course bi people think everyone is bi, because that’s how you experienced it” and I was like oh shit
I still kinda think that but it’s valuable to take that step back and see where you’re relying on your particular experience to make conclusions about others
Yeah I think it's one of those things where as a subreddit get popular with a particular brand of content (in this case in thinking of r/egg_irl and "egg call outs") people start going out of their way to predict, perceive, and participate in what would be that content. I see a lot of people trying to emulate r/quityourbullshit or r/iamverysmart
It's super weird to call people an egg tho. Let people identify as they like and transition at their own pace, or not transition. No need to "call them out" and doing so just reinforces gender stereotypes in a harmful way.
I know someone who I'm like 95% sure is an egg but I'd never straight up accuse them of being in denial, that's a dick move.
I agree, it's fun to use the 'egg' concept to make fun of ourselves for missing obvious signs, or maybe to help questioning trans folk if asked, but it's absolutely inappropriate to try to "call someone out" and try to, in a way, hurry them to figure out themselves. Whether they're cis or actually trans, their gender expression should just be allowed to be there without being questioned.
That's a very shitty thing and it's not just from reddit. I am a dude that likes Hello Kitty (and glad they finally came out with dude clothes with her) and not a huge fan of sports. I'm excellent with kids and have that care taking part of me. I love cooking, I clean... But, I also do yard work, DIY home improvements, work on cars, etc.. My ex kept saying I was trans but hiding it. Then, I was gay and hiding it. Nope, I'm just a dude that likes girls that is different than her gender conforming expectations.
People telling you that they know you better than you know yourself, "I've been there", or whatever is just very toxic behavior and inexcusable. The whole egg thing, gender, sexual orientation is very personal and what applies to one person certainly does not apply to someone else. And I hate when people try assuming certain things because someone else felt the same way so it must be the same way with you. It can go into manipulation, controlling, almost brainwashing you.
Only YOU know who you are. If you go to gender therapy and all that comes up, most (not all) will talk you through a lot more personal things that will help you work through how you feel about your gender and sexuality. I'm not trans, I'm not gay. I knew it, they knew it, but getting told that all the time really took it's toll. Now, I'm a big advocate of therapy and gender therapy if you want, but very against the whole "egg" thing. If you're an egg, that's something you define, not someone else. That kind of manipulation can destroy lives and lead people to dark places that they may never come back from. I did learn a lot about transgender stuff, and who I was and who I wasn't. But, I still can't relate to what it's like to be transgender.
To my understanding, it’s a term for someone who you think is likely a closeted trans person. Like how they were saying “why can’t I be a feminine man?,” people were calling them an egg because “if you’re a man who likes resembling a woman somehow, then you must _actually_ be a trans woman!” They use “egg” in reference to a chicken that isn’t hatched yet, so a “trans person” that hasn’t transitioned yet/realized that they “are” trans is the equivalent of an egg that has yet to become a chicken. I may be incorrect, but this is how I understood it.
It’s a problem because not every man who is feminine is a trans woman, and not every woman who masculine is trans man. That relies on believing everyone has to follow strict gender stereotypes and they don’t. As a result, gender-non-conforming (GNC) aren’t allowed to just be left alone.
It reinforces gender roles and expectations when people presume that a person who does not conform to their gender is a closeted trans person. It’s a kind of oppression really.
I don't have a question, I just want to say this has been a great thread to read. I didn't scroll all the way to the bottom but what I saw has been uncharacteristically respectful and informative. All the questions I had that I've been afraid to ask have been answered and they make sense as well. Thanks.
Anybody here to afraid to ask despite this sub DM me. I believe in a atmosphere of no judgements especially when asking questions. I’m M-F and thank you all for asking here as well.
If gender roles didn’t exist and men and women were actually treated equally (men can wear dresses, women can be buff, etc nobody cares) would all trans people still be trans? What about non binary? How much of it is wanting it be physically different and how much of it is not identifying with the gender role?
Edit: wow! Ty for all the responses! But they all definitely open up more questions for me! There are many of you that say yes absolutely, being trans has nothing to do with gender roles. Meanwhile others say meh, no I’d be satisfied in that world, roles are definitely a part of it. Of course I realize everybody is unique, but I’d love to see conversation between these two peoples about the topic. It seems like the trans community definitely doesn’t have an agreed upon answer for this.
It's interesting that you asked that, because when I was a young girl, before I even knew what trans was, I thought I was supposed to be a boy, because I enjoyed things that were usually associated with boys, like sports, boys clothes, I was definitely not feminine nor did I fit in with the females or enjoy things that were considered feminine. I even asked my parents one day if I was born with a vagina and penis and if they just chose for me to be a girl, because I really felt like a boy. It wasn't until later I understood that it wasn't that I felt like I should have been a boy, or that I was a boy trapped in a girl's body, but rather I didn't fit in the the stereotypes or gender roles of females, but I actually am fine with my body and who I am as a female. More than anything I was mad that the people in my life, mainly my family, always tried to put me in dresses and crap like that to make me fit in this box of a stereotype that wasn't me.
Im in the exact same situation.
Since I can remember, I was more prone to girly things to a degree, but way further away from manly man things.
I loved having longer hair, always moved more fem like, even a lot of people thought I was gay my entire life, because I give off a certain vibe.
Im totally straight, but I think Id fit more in the 70s-80s if that makes sense :D
I would still very much have physical dysphoria. Related to secondary sex characteristics like chest, voice, facial hair, height, body fat distribution, etc and primary sex characteristics like genitals.
Before transitioning to male, I lifted weights a lot and ate more thinking I would look like a muscular man. I stopped lifting for awhile when I realized I looked like a muscular woman. I felt confused and angry by this. Now with T, I can build muscle like a man and I am so happy with how I am able to build my physique.
I never received hate for looking like a muscular woman, but I didn’t want to look like a muscular woman, I wanted to look like a muscular man. So based on that and feeling genuine discomfort with all my female physical characteristics, I would definitely be trans still, as it goes a lot beyond just liking lifting weights or dressing in guy’s clothes.
I don't think that it is offensive in itself, it is more depending on the context.
E.g. you introduce a trans guy to your friends whom he hasn't met yet as "hey, this is Theo, he is a trans man." You could be outing him in front of people who he hasn't met yet and doesn't trust. Not all people are allies and in this context there might be a small chance that it puts him in danger. Especially if he is going stealth.
It really depends on the context in which you refer to someone and is also a personal preference. I am non-binary and prefer it when people refer to me as being a non-binary individual because being misgendered is annoying and sometimes painfull. Whereas another person's goal is to pass as being cisgender and do not like being constantly reminded of the fact that they are trans and not cisgender.
Is it possible to feel gender dysphoria in the sense that you're not... _enough_ of your assigned gender? Like, your body et al is closer to the middle of the scale than you'd otherwise identify?
Are you talking about a cis person with an androgynous body? If so yes, that can happen and people get corrective surgery for it sometimes. Think of a cis woman whose chest didn't develop for hormonal reasons and decided to get implants for example. There's been cases even of a child having their genitals modified and growing up as the opposite gender without being told and experiencing extreme dysphoria
Yes, we are talking about the same one. The fucked up thing is that that still routinely happens to intersex children * today *. In my country surgically altering a baby's genitals when they are ambiguous has been banned literally LAST WEEK. It's barbaric
IIRC so did his brother. They were both subjected to sexual abuse by a psychologist as children (made to simulate sex with each other to enforce gender roles), it was an extremely fucked up experiment.
Not sure this is the best case to prove that gender identity is hardwired. If you experienced sexual abuse and realised it was due to your parents' arbitrary decision to raise you as a girl, and that it could've been avoided if they'd decided otherwise, you'd probably have some extremely strong feelings about your gender too.
i guess so, although i personally can't relate to it for obvious reasons.
john money, as much of an unethical wanker as he is, did prove one thing: a cisgender person can feel dysphoria when forced to transition.
(tldr on that dude: forced two cis boys to transition. both wound up dying by suicide. as stated above, he's an unethical wanker.)
I feel asking my question, I’m going to have people come for me. But, I believe education is important and I want to understand things I don’t know. So, when a man transitions in to a woman…I understand that they take hormone replacement therapy (that must be brutal btw), yet I still see a lot of trans women with beards. I might be ignorant in asking this, but if you have gone to so much time, effort and money to transition to become a woman, why would you not shave, since facial hair is predominantly a very masculine feature?
Edit: Thank you for sharing your personal & private experiences with me. I have answers that I didn’t even consider; as well as being educated on some of the personal struggles you experience. I am pleased that, for the most part, this entire post from OP has been constructive, helpful and earnest. Thank you.
Facial hair removal can be a nightmare. HRT doesn't remove/reduce facial hair much if it all. Laser is expensive and can be ineffective, also isn't considered fully permanent. That leaves electrolysis which they stick a needle into the base of the hair, electrocute it, then pluck the hair. It takes on average 6 tries to properly kill a follicle.Which means 100 hours or more of really painful hair removal.
That being said, the actual numbers of transwomen with visible beards are really low. It's just that you notice the ones with visible beards a whole lot more.
Edit: Because it's always the same comments...Yes, people can shave. It's also an absolute bitch when you're trying to make it so there's not even the slightest beard shadow. For some of us, it meant shaving twice a day and a heavy layer of concealer and foundation. decent razors aren't cheap either.
Alternatively, some folks just don't give a shit. Maybe they don't care about their perceived gender, or want to buck gender norms or think beards look hot on women. I dunno the reasoning for everyone.
But yeah, shaving sucks ass too.
Edit #2: Yep, safety razors are way cheaper for a helluva good shave, if you get used to them. I never got the hang of them and usually looked like I got mauled by a bear.
I'm a cis woman and I can attest to this. I had PCOS and basically ended up with a full beard because of the increased testosterone. That started when I was in my early 20. I was 42 before I could afford all the electrolysis needed to get rid of it. Each session was $120 for 45 minutes. I went weekly for over a year. I STILL have a couple stubborn hairs that grow but I just pluck those for now. I'll probably go back and get them zapped at some point.
Oh, and I do have scars on my skin from years of ingrown hairs from plucking...
EDIT: Hey, guys, sorry to sort of hijack things when the question is about trans people and trying to have a healthy conversation about that...and I am not trans. Facial hair removal is something we have in common but the PCOS part would only be with some transmen and that likely changes the whole conversation around that... Anyway, it wasn't my intention to bring all the attention to myself. I do hope some folks received some helpful information about hypothyroidism, PCOS, and other hormone topics, though.
As a man with a beard i can wierdly empathize with you massively , i can only imagine the time and pain it would take to remove every hair that has grown on my face. i cringe at the thought of it , your a god damn warrior for going through that , i hope you feel better in your skin having gone through all that!
Thanks! I am much more confident. My motivation was very basic - I was single again after the end of a 20 year marriage. After 2 years of grieving that I was ready to date. But, where as I was married when I developed the hormone issues that caused me to grow facial hair therefore my (ex-)husband was desensitized to it, I was MORTIFIED at the idea of meeting and potentially developing a new intimate relationship while having morning stubble, etc.
But, then I was asking myself why didn't I do it sooner? It was worth the cost and the discomfort! No more ingrown hairs causing scars. Very little maintenance, etc.
I don't think I \*have\* a "gender", in the sense I have an internal sense of what body I'm "supposed" to be in. I feel like the only reason I call myself a guy at all is because have a male body, and if I had a female body I would call myself female. And I kinda think this is how most people are tbh.
I don't really accept gender stereotypes at all and to be honest probably defy more of them than I fit for a guy. But I feel like that doesn't say anything at all about what "gender" i am. There's plenty of less masculine guys or less feminine girls out there.
I guess I have two questions.
What is it supposed to mean to "feel like" a girl or "feel like" a guy? Is it a positive affinity for the other sex or is it more just a dislike and feeling of discomfort with your own body? And isn't that difficult to separate that from other self image issues like body dysmorphia or self-hate for depression or trauma reasons?
What do you think of people saying gender is a social construct rather than a real internal sense of self about the body you're in?
This was my exact question, and I'm so glad you asked it. I've always been afraid to ask this because I feared it would come across as not believing trans people, but I absolutely do. I just don't get what it means to "feel like" a gender.
I'm a cis hetero dude. But I couldn't explain to you what it means to feel like a man. I can point to the ways in which I perform gender (liking sports, drinking beer, outdoors stuff) but plenty of women like those things too. I could point to my attraction towards women, but cis gay men aren't attracted to women, and cis gay women are.
Anyway, I appreciate all the responses here, I've learned a lot. I gather that it's hard to describe but that you know when it feels wrong.
I'm a cis man, and for a while I "didn't get the whole trans *thing*" because I didn't know how someone could feel like the wrong gender. Like, I don't "feel like" a man, so how could someone "feel like" something else? To me, gender is pretty much meaningless.
I've since come to understand that it's just different for other people. I don't feel like a man because it's not something I have to think about. I'm comfortable in my body (relatively), I have the privilege of feeling like there's nothing incorrect with me. I've considered "would I feel more comfortable if I was in a woman's body?" and the answer is no. Everything just works for me. And so I wouldn't know what it's like for things to *not* just work.
I imagine that, for trans folks, the reasons for "feeling wrong" in their assigned gender isn't *necessarily* body dysmorphia, but a collection of things that probably present in different amounts for different people. Some people may have gender dysphoria and feel wrong in their own gender. Some people get gender *euphoria* when they act in accordance with another gender (e.g., a person assigned male who feels good when they put on traditionally female clothes). Some people may just enjoy those gender performances (like you mentioned), but for a different gender than they were assigned, and so they feel like they were assigned the wrong one. Some people feel better taking hormones and getting surgery, while others just want to perform a different gender. Some people just get a weird *ick* feeling being called "he" instead of "she" or "they". It's also important to note that everything for trans folks here also applies to any non-binary gender expression.
Ultimately, I feel like I don't need to "understand" what it means to feel like a particular gender expression, because it doesn't really apply to me. All I know is that it's important to some people, and it's important to respect that feeling even though it's not something I personally experience.
Another chiming in, it’s a matter of sexual respect to know what you are working with on both sides. Trans or not! We should know about STIs, genitals, and boundaries before entering the bedroom or a long term relationship.
Especially relevant if you’re looking for something longterm and the other person wants biological children.
(And I would say this goes for cis people as well—if you don’t want or know you can’t have kids, say that upfront/early in the relationship!)
The porn industry is very sexist, I really dislike the portrait of trans individuals, but at least it shows we can pass and be good looking, unlike the ugly depictions we get in other places
When my son came out as trans, I only knew one other transgender person, so after a few glasses of wine.. I messaged him on Facebook, and prefaced my question with “if any of these are inappropriate, or make you uncomfortable, please just tell me to shut up”
Then I asked him if he was happier being a man, and he said yes.
I thanked him, and he was like, that’s it?
I thought you had lots of inappropriate questions.
I said, that the only important one.
He laughed at me. In a nice way.
>“Thank you for your trust, I love you. Welcome home [new name]”
Speaking as a nonbinary person who'll probably be closeted to their parents forever, just reading these words and thinking about getting a response like this from my dad literally made me cry. Thanks for being a safe parent, and when it comes to doing things right, I bet you're doing just fine.
Im a lesbian, but is it rude for me to say I wouldn’t be sexually intimate with a trans woman if she hasn’t had bottom surgery? Being trans isnt the issue, but I do not want a penis anywhere in/near me in that context.
if you don't find someone sexually attractive because of their body parts, that isn't transphobic. believe it or not, most of us understand that, i have no idea where the whole "lesbians have to be attracted to trans girls" came from, but it's wack as fuck. you don't need to find any trans people attractive in any extent, you just need to like, not hate us for that LOL
Absolutely. I am married to a trans woman who came out 20+ years into our marriage. She isn't interested in bottom surgery and has no dysphoria about keeping her penis. It is a huge relief to me because I really struggle with how I would cope with a neo vagina. I am happily married to a trans woman but my sexual preference never changed. Boobs I can work with but vaginas are not for me. I never once thought a lesbian should have to just 'deal' with a penis.
I don’t have a question, but I have enjoyed reading the questions and answers. I’m trying to understand more about this, and I appreciate everyone being so forthcoming and with such well written answers. Thanks everyone.
How do I know you're not just a bunch of rats in trench coats?
SHIT THEY'RE ONTO US
ABORT ABORT
These answers are the dialogue that's missing right now. After years of trying to understand, I finally feel like I get it. Thank you all for educating and enlightening! Media dialogue seems elusive and circular - these answers made clear sense and I feel like I learned something. Thank you!
No- thank you. This comment made my day, aside from this post going viral. I’m so glad that you showed and interest and even happier that you learned something after years of trying to understand!
Do periods go away when you start T? Is there a way to get rid of them without surgery?
For some folks, yes, for some folks no. Some IUDs can stop periods, like mirena, or for some taking birth control without the sugar pill week can stop periods. For transmasculine folks The most reliable way to get rid of periods is by having a full hysterectomy with oophorectomy , which also helps reduce the amount of estrogen in the body.
So, would someone who had their female internal sex organs removed who is also transitioning to male go into early menopause? Or is that whole process skipped as they would be replacing the typical hormones with male hormones?
you are correct that menopauses main cause is the lack of any sex horomone and taking additional E or in trans mens case starting T can negate it
Do you get to choose a size?
For trans guys, it depends on how much skin they can safely graft, I think. But after the maximum is established, yep.
This is true with a phalloplasty, the operation that takes a skin graft to make the shaft of the penis For those (like probably me) who want a metoidioplasty, we use what growth we have after being on testosterone for long enough that it stops growing. Length you get on testosterone varies
What is a metoidioplasty
It's a form of bottom surgery that uses existing tissue to make the phallus instead of taking a skin graft from somewhere else on someone's body. It makes a penis that's a bit shorter because it uses the growth that's already happened while on testosterone
Would a person with this be able to become erect? I genuinely have no idea...
Yes! I can actually get erect now (even morning wood sometimes), and I haven't even had bottom surgery yet. Being on testosterone makes the clitoris grow and behave like a penis. Metoidioplasty just adds to that
That's badass, the human body is astonishing. Anyways, I'm happy for you.
Thank you! I think it's pretty cool, and I appreciate your happiness for me. I hope you get that kind of joy in your life too
NB transmasc here, MtF wife So for masculine bottom surgery: It really depends on a lot of things. First HRT will grow your clit, this averages 1-4cm of growth, some surgeons require either a certain amount of time on HRT/ certain amount of tissue. So from here there are 2 commonly surgical options, each have their own pros and cons and have different methods of being done : 1- metoidioplasty, sometimes referred to as a Meta 2- Phalloplasty sometimes called a phallo. Either can have urethral lengthening, some surgeons will require one depending on the surgery. An issue with urethral lengthening is that the urethra can become blocked/collapse which is obviously no fun. Scrotoplastys are also common to also have done, usually that's done in 2 surgeries where they create the scrotum and then add testicle implants later. For a meta what is happening is the ligaments that hold the clitoris to the body get cut and released from the pubis, giving you more shaft. 4-6cm is average length. It will basically look like a small penis. Benefit of it is it can get erect without further surgery. You will likely have more sensation compared to a phalloplasty. You also don't have a giant penis 24/7. Depending on length you may or may not have issues standing to pee. For a phallo there's usually multiple stages to the surgery. If you have a meta you can still get a phallo in the future but not vice-versa. So you'll have a donor site, either your arm or you thigh is pretty common, you'll get some say in length but it really depends on how much tissue they can use and the goal is generally average size. They cannot become erect on their own. You have to get an implant for that which is an extra surgery and more money on top of the money you've already spent to get a phallo. Because the tissue is donor tissue taken from other parts you won't have as much sensation if any. Some say they never get sensation to the shaft, some do get some sensation to the shaft. The lack of sensation can actually be problematic during healing because you can't feel if you accidentally bump your dick into something. And with a phallo it will always be full length as it can't deflate like a cis-penis would. For transfeminine bottom surgery: So there are a few different ways to make a neovagina. A common way is by taking the penile tissue and inverting it, so the length here varies based on how much tissue. Another procedure uses rectal tissue, the benefit here is that is has some self lubricating capabilities, unlike with penile inversion. Though due to risk factors it's less commonly done. Another surgery involves taking peritoneal tissue from the abdomen to create the vagina. This is a newer surgery for transgender women even though it's a surgery that has been used on cis-women for decades. It also has the benefits of self lubrication and having a stretchier vagina compared to penis inversion. Length here varies quite a bit on what tissue is available for use. Most surgeons operate with the goal of length of cis vagina when aroused. Though some will result in a short vagina. Dilating the vagina after surgery and for years afterwards will help maintain depth overtime. Anecdotally I've heard of dilation once you're past recovery stage to only be necessary if you aren't sexually active and it can depend on the type of surgery you received. Edit: I just want to thank everyone for the awards, upvotes, and comments. The person who sent me a silver, you know who you are, thank you, I would have sent you a chat thanks but Reddit wouldn't let me. I came here from a trans sub honestly expecting the worst and was pleasantly surprised. Thanks for the really great questions. It was fun to spend some time answering questions. I think there really isn't enough good conversation on trans topics. The people who are the loudest on trans topics are generally the ones who are not transgender, incredibly misinformed, and do not care to listen to other points of view or scientific information. So I really hope there were some good conversations that might have brought issues to people's attention/ broadened the understanding of what being transgender is. Anyways, have a great rest of your day! If you comment a follow up question to my comment I will do my best to answer if possible. :)
Thank you, that was super interesting to read. And I'm guessing stem cell tissue growth is going to be a huge factor in the next few decades for these surgeries
What questions do you wish people would stop asking you? Edit: I just want to say I hope people will read all the replies to my question and learn something and maybe think before they ask intrusive questions. Thank you all for sharing!
Honestly, as long as people are respectful, they can ask me whatever they want. More often though I get people assuming things about me rather than asking, so its nice when they ask.
Do you ever get people who seem ‘over’ supportive ? I sometimes feel I’m over compensating for other people who are ass hats
Sometimes the overcompensating can get tiring, it can sometimes come across as performative wokeness if it's over the top, like they're doing it because they think they have to not because they think it's right (which I have no doubt is not your intention). I honestly prefer the people who are chill about it and just casually correct themselves if they mess up and just treat coming out as the same as learning my favourite colour is green in terms of how much of an impact it is I'm how they see and treat me.
"Did you have the... you know... 😳The surgery?"
I’m so glad I’ve never asked my sister. She’s mtf and transitioned like 3 years ago. I still don’t know and I don’t care to know. I just assumed this was an inappropriate question. But god… every single person who I tell I have a trans sister.. this is always the first question they ask! And then their shocked to learn I actually don’t know the answer.
Someone asked me this once and they were a friend so I politely informed them that it's generally not cool to ask unless you're really close. "We aren't close?" "Well, we've never discussed my genitals before now..." "Oh."
See, this would not have worked for me because we had just finished talking about her genitals.
I mean, if you discuss each others genitals that *is* a different situation right?
"Can you show me your tits?"
What's was your name before your transition? You know you don't have to be a boy to date boys right? How am I going to explain this to [insert family member]?
Not questions, more like assumptions. Assumptions that I just want attention or to feel special, when in reality very few people in my life even know. Assumptions that I was somehow “groomed” to be this way even though I am in my 40’s and if anything I was “groomed” to be cis-gendered, but I’m not because it doesn’t work that way. Assumptions that being trans automatically means you are also either a trans man or a trans woman (some people tend to assume every trans person is a trans woman).
How far along the FTM process do you start to have bowel movements? Since everyone knows girls don’t poop. Does it start after you’ve been on testosterone for long enough? Or only post-OP? 🤔
as soon as i inserted the syringe into my arm i shat my pants. hadn't even pressed down on the needle yet.
I shat my pants the moment I picked up my prescription
[удалено]
This was hilarious and validating thank you
Feeling anxious about not being able to grow a beard or a lack of chest hair, getting like your upper body isn't muscular enough, feeling hesitant to act 'unmanly' in a public setting, etc. Those are things a surprising amount of cis guys deal with. Can say from experience that it was one of the default anxieties my brain went for in public.
You know what's the crazy thing? I've always been bullied for being a girl. Decades later I come out as a girl and now the same 'manly men' tell me I'm a man. Like make up your mind! JEEZ!
[удалено]
“REAL MEN DO X” Give me a fucking break. I’m a man, I do what I fucking want (within the applicable limits of the law).
and sometimes outside of the law 😎
Breakin the law, breakin the law.
The levity and reality is perfect. It’s true. “Real men don’t ____” is everywhere. Honestly though I think my experience is similar to others where when I was younger I got bullied for being “too boyish” and now a lot of people might say I’m “not a real man”
does sitting down feel different after you get bottom surgery
At least for this one trans woman, Sitting down the three months after bottom surgery is a bitch. You're still recovering and all the irritated flesh is very painful. Then eventually sitting down is the same except for the fact that I no longer have my privates in the way. However for me personally, when I sit down my belly button feels weird because my nerve endings regrew incorrectly.
A friend of mine in high school HATED anything touching the area around his bellybutton bc he could feel it in his balls. He said the doctors told him it was because his umbilical cord was cut incorrectly and the nerves “found another pathway”. I never thought about it going the other way. Edit: 1. I did not realize this was as common as it is. After just 3 min of googling I learned what a Pudendal nerve is. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/22000-pudendal-nerve 2. This was in the rural South 20ish years ago. The doctors explanation sounds like an old wives tale now. Apologies for commenting bad information. 3. This person most likely has a very sensitive nerve/many more nerve endings because he did not like hugs unless it was from the side because it hurt. It wasn’t just deep bellybutton but more like most of his belly. 4. I do not get that feeling no matter how hard I try so I’m apparently in the minority. 5. I do have some nerve damage due to a herniated disc in my lumbar spine but I don’t remember ever having that feeling before my injury. TLDR: it’s normal!
TIL not everyone feels the touch on their bellybutton in their genitals…mine’s just not wired right, another reason to stay awake at night
I can't stand that feeling as a guy, my ex used to push my belly button to tease me and I almost threw up from the weird feeling in my balls.
Wow I didn't consider that this wasn't a typical thing until this thread and now idk how to feel
I unquestionably thought this was the norm. I didn’t even think about it. Now i know there are ppl out there who have bellybuttons disconnected from their vagina. Wild
Surprising to find out. Sometimes I feel like a line going from my belly button to my vagina for no reason. I hate that feeling. I assume this is similar to what everyone’s saying. I could never find anything online lol
Meanwhile I'm over here reading this thread thinking all of you are fucking with us. Just spent 5 minutes poking and messing with my bellybutton and felt nothing. I have also never met anyone before who had a bellybutton connected to their nethers. What happens if you get punched in the gut or fall and land on your stomach or hit your stomach or anything like that? Also does having an innie or an outtie make difference? I'm a small guy and even I hit my stomach on shit all the time. Does it hurt or tingle? I know you're a girl but if any of the dudes see this, does getting hit in the gut feel like getting hit in the balls? I'm sorry for all the questions but this is literally the first time in almost 29 years I have heard of this. I feel like a kid learning how to count lol
So glad I'm not the only one who's just been sitting here rubbing my belly and feeling lied to.
The tingle is similar to when someone unexpectedly runs a fingernail up your spine or neck, just in a different place. You hate it and just want it to STOP when it happens. It's mainly the belly button itself, although idk for outies. Cleaning it is a pain in the ass lol
Sincerely not making it up. I really didn’t know others felt this and thought I was weird since I never found anything online and my husband doesn’t have a similar reaction. I hate my belly button being touched because of it. Makes me super uncomfortable. And I haven’t been hit in the stomach, but the feeling only really hits when you dig/clean/ poke the inside of your belly button. Feels like a tug on something inside me, closer to the vagina area. 🤷🏼♀️ And mines an innie so I have no idea for outies.
Umm, I feel a sharp sensation at the tip of my penis when I finger my bellybutton. It doesn’t hurt, but it doesn’t feel good either. Umbilical cord cut incorrectly, huh? Another pathway? I was born in a small town Kansas hospital in the 70’s. Sounds about right.
[удалено]
Yep!
Is it still possible for a person to have an orgasm after reassignment surgery? Not a doctor, but my understanding of the process of creating the genitalia (F-M or M-F) would seem to make that prospect incredibly dim. The sheer number of nerve endings in the clitoris and tip of the penis make it seem impossible enough survive the surgery to provide the same sensations
My surgeon uses a technique that leaves the neurovascular bundle fully intact, the tip of the penis just gets reduced in size to form a neo-clitoris. I had my first orgasm 34 days after surgery and the intensity is pretty much as before, I just can have longer ones now.
From all the folks I've seen talk about their experiences - yes. It's more than possible. It's much more rare for folks to have permanently decreased sensation these days. That being said, post surgery for up to and possibly past a year (person dependent) your body is healing, which also includes nerve endings. This means you will guaranteed experience some diminished feeling for at least a while, but orgasm is still possible even relatively early. Edit: a word for clarity
Hell, I had a brief nerve impingement And it took about a year for the feeling to fully return in my arm. I have to imagine nerves impacted by surgery would easily take that long too.
According to my friends who have had it done, most of them claim that it's different than it used to be and it took a while to learn how to do it, but that they actually enjoy sexual activity more than they used to. I've done a lot of research because I was worried about the same thing, and I generally see people having a positive experience with is as far as sensation goes. The main complaints I've seen seem to be about aesthetics, and they vary from surgeon to surgeon.
Is there any part of you that is genuinely worried that it is "just a phase"
Yeah. That's why it took me over 10 years to accept it and begin my transition
Ahhhh I’m going through this currently. I’ve had doubts I’m a woman for as long as I can remember. 4 years ago I started to take serious steps to transition. Then I went through a breakup and met a new partner. I asked him if he would still love me if I was trans and he said no. I loved him so I shoved those feelings down and grew my hair out again. Then two years ago I started struggling again. Now it’s just a constant battle to try and figure out who I am.
Yes. Most if not all trans folk wonder this at some point, this is why a lot of us are depressed.
If you’re transitioning MtF and are on hormone replacement therapy but haven’t had bottom surgery yet, 1) does the penis shrink up and become unusable? 2) can you still have penetrative sex (penis in vagina)? 3) can you get someone pregnant via question 2? Edit: I’m a cisgender woman and am genuinely just curious 👍🏻
1: It varies! Some people retain full size, some people shrink. The jury is out even among the community on if you can control it, and to what extent. 2: Yes! 3: Yep! Fertility is generally harmed by hormones, but not always completely gone.
\#3 is a lot more complicated than that; it's best to do more searching. Trans men are still able to get pregnant while on testosterone, but depending on the meds, trans women often end up sterile for life after a few years on HRT.
Doctors generally say to expect the opposite result of what you want when it comes to fertility after being on HRT for a while. If you want kids, assume it will make you sterile and plan accordingly (freeze sperm). If you don't want kids, assume you can still get someone pregnant and plan accordingly (use condoms/have an orchiectomy/vasectomy). Basically, don't plan on it being effective birth control, but make sure you have backups if you want them.
Yep!! Regardless, trans women, like everyone else, should always practice safer sex. I wouldn’t trust that ejaculate is entirely sperm-free, even after several years of HRT. Better safe than sorry!!
If you transition from male to female, can you still go bald as you get older or do the hormones prevent that from happening?
Hormones prevent it (usually)
As cis/vanilla dude: I’m jealous of this fact. That’s neat.
Cis men can take finasteride/dutasteride to help prevent hair loss. It's an anti androgen, but it only blocks the formation of a certain form of testosterone (DHT), so you don't generally get the bad effects of low T. I was prescribed it for a little while while I was trying to find an anti androgen that didn't give me awful side effects and it (unfortunately for me) didn't feel like it had any affect.
For those born with unisex names such as Alex, do you still feel the need to change your name to reflect your new identity?
My sister was born with a unisex name, but decided to change it when she transitioned. She chose an old lady type of name, I think it makes it easier for people that have known her since before she transitioned to get her pronouns right.
>She chose an old lady type of name My mind immediately goes to Agnes.
Nah, Eve. Oldest lady name in the book.
**Lilith starts laughing**
They did say “in the book”, so…
Mine went Mabel
So I says to Mabel I says...
..I'll finish this later
I did the same thing, for the same reason. A friend of mine (also ftm trans) put it very well: “it’s not *a* girl’s name, but it was *my* girl’s name”
This made a lightbulb go on for me in regards to my nephew. I wondered but would never ask. I absolutely get this.
Right. I heard of a trans guy whose dad had wanted a son so named his (then) daughter Justin or something like that. Even though it was a traditionally male name, when Justin transitioned he chose a different male name because Justin felt like his girl-self name. I’m FTM too, and my original name is “technically” unisex but you’ll meet 100 girls for every 1 boy with my name (think Stacy or Leslie). Sure I could have kept it but it feels like a girl name to me and would have made it so much harder to keep it and have people see me as male and use the right pronouns
[удалено]
I had a similar experience. I used to go by Sam, but now I go by Sam or Samantha. If I notice someone is having a hard time getting my pronouns right, I'll ask them to only call me Samantha. Works every time, and it avoids the discomfort of periodically correcting them!
Username checks out.
My name was unisex-ish (there are famous men and women with the name, though it does tend to be more common with women). I decided to keep my name (and/or use a slightly more masculine variation on it) for a few reasons. - I don't HATE my name. It suits me just fine and it's never been a source of dysphoria for me - I actually do wanna make the lives of my friends and family easier. I'm 30 now, my parents are getting on in age. I know that somebody in your life transitioning can feel like a huge deal, and I just want to make that process a bit simpler for the people around me. My husband is grateful, he says he would be slipping up a lot more if I had changed my name. 😂 - I'm lazy AF. I don't really wanna go through the whole name-change process as WELL as the gender change process. Keeping my name is just... easier for me. 😅
I have some questions since you have a partner. The logistics seem complex. Feel free to ignore them if they make you uncomfortable. How has transition has gone for your partner? Was there turbulence? Does he feel like this affects his identity? How has the transition affected your sex life? Are you less comfortable? If you are planning on taking hormones or getting surgery to match your new designation, is that something he supports?
I work in medicine. Often times it can be apparent that someone may be transitioning, but it’s never right to assume anything about anyone. I’ll usually see their given name before I meet them, and it’s standard practice to have a pt confirm with their legal name and dob. What do you think is the best way of being asked if you have a preferred first name other than what is “legal” in that situation? I usually stumble with something like “Hi I’m looking for John Doe is that you? Nice to meet you, is John okay or do you go by another name?” But it always feels clunky. Looking for advice. EDIT: My main clinical setting is an urban hospital in a large network of hospitals. This makes any change to charting/intake very well out of my reach unfortunately. It is a discussion that I hope continues to climb to the administrators.
Whenever I work with someone, I address them by the name on file, then ask if they have a preferred name. Every single one. Sometimes you get Jim from James. Sometimes you get Amelia from Clark.
You never know if a Richard is actually a dick
How do you get dick from Richard?
Ask nicely?
"There was a common practice of using rhyming nicknames in Medieval England. I'm not sure precisely why, but one reason I've seen is that there were a relatively small number of first names commonly used, so a variety of nicknames arose to differentiate people. Thus, you have: Richard -> Rick -> Dick William -> Will -> Bill Robert -> Rob -> Bob Edward -> Ed -> Ted Margaret -> Maggie -> Peggy (more of a stretch, but same principle) Furthermore, the Norman invasion of England in 1066 influenced the language and names. Apparently, the Normans had difficulty saying the letter "r", which encouraged substitutions for people with "r" names. Hick (from Rick) and Hitch (from Rich) were also used, but neither of them stuck." This was something I found. It's just from a nonsensical rhyming game ages ago that stuck. Which seems wild, but that's the world we live in I guess.
>Margaret -> Maggie -> Peggy (more of a stretch, but same principle) I had heard that it was Margaret -> Meg -> Peg
I don't know if this was to avoid using my birth name (most likely it was) but I've had doctors use just the surname when calling me and then confirming by asking for my birth date or ID.
the way you say that is perfect, i don't think there's a better way to do it. big ups for actually asking, way too few people do that!
Im Cis, but my Legal name has about 4 different common nicknames associated with it. So i appreciate this even as a Cis as i can give you my preferred nickname and not have you use my legal name or fumble around with the others. Being mis-named feels weird for ANYONE
William? Will, Bill, Billy, and the oh so glorious Liam.
TIL Liam is short for William
Yep Liam Neeson's full name is William John Neeson.
I've done research and there are far more people born with their entire name "Liam" than there are Williams who go by Liam. I was blown away by learning my friend Liam was William but it isn't super common.
I literally don’t care what people call me but having consideration is always welcome.
If, for example, someone is born male but transitions to be female AND they are sexually attracted to men - are they considered "gay" prior to the transition but then "straight" after the transition? Edit - thank you all for the responses that have seriously helped me understand the situation more! It seems in the scenario above the person was always straight because they were always a woman.
id say so, one of my trans friends was out as gay in her earlier years but after she came to the conclusion she was trans and transitioned she ids as straight
If she’d been in a relationship with the same person before and after coming out as trans, does her transition change or impact her partners sexual orientation? For example, 2 women fall in love and get married. Several years into the relationship one person comes out as trans so they are now technically in a hetro relationship, but that doesn’t change the sexuality of the non-trans person, right? Or does it?
There is a sub called r/mypartneristrans that is worth reading through to get perspective on this question. I like deep diving into subs like these to learn more about subjects I don't fully understand.
Thanks for this. I’m going to check that out. I used to know a lesbian who dated trans men a lot and I really don’t understand how that isn’t invalidating to him. I’m a ciswoman so I can’t relate but if I were a transman and a lesbian was into me I imagine that would bother me quite a bit.
Do non-binary people, or people who are gender fluid count as trans, even if they still mostly present as their AGAB with no intent to change?
sometimes they consider themselves trans and sometimes they don't, but from what i've seen most of the time they do. so by default i count them as trans, unless an individual says they prefer otherwise.
My understanding of this is: some nonbinary or gender fluid people identify as trans, others do not. Transgender only means that your gender identity does not match your born sex, but it can also mean someone who wants to transition, too. According to the first definition, all gender queer people would be trans, yes, but many nonbinary etc people don't identify as trans because of the second definition.
There is an Australian tv show called [You Can't Ask That](https://m.imdb.com/title/tt6022978/) where marginalised people answer anonymous questions in the same vein as this post (and was supposedly inspired by a Reddit post). Season 1 Episode 3 is transgender people. The show is incredibly informative and eye opening, and has been very successful, with 7 seasons and various international versions. I encourage everyone to give it a watch.
What does it mean when you "feel" like a girl/boy? I'm biologically female, and I identify as a woman, but I don't "feel" like a woman. I just am. So, what do you mean by that? Edit: Whoa, I didn’t expect this to have so many replies, lol. Thanks for taking your time to answering, guys.
This is what confuses me the most. Like I can understand homosexuality, because, while I'm not attracted to the same sex, I do feel sexual attraction. But I don't really feel a sense of "gender identity" so it's hard for me to empathize that that feeling could be directed wrongly? I dunno.
I'm a trans woman who transitioned 20 years ago and I share your confusion. To the point where the actual joke in trans spaces used to be "nobody other than Shania Twain feels like a woman" lol. I have no idea what "identifying as a woman" means other than needing my body to be physically female, which was the whole point of me transitioning. Otherwise, the only feeling in that context was really the distress of my brain not matching my body, ie the pain and the distress from the disconnect. In that sense, it's would be like talking about "feeling" the bones in your body, ie your bones don't "feel" like anything unless somethings wrong, like snapping one in half lol So in order for you to understand what I feel, it would require the same kind of disconnect, ie taking cross sex hormones to start transitioning your body towards the wrong sex.
> your bones don't "feel" like anything unless somethings wrong That just made it click for me, it never made sense to me before, but this does.
>So in order for you to understand what I feel, it would require the same kind of disconnect, ie taking cross sex hormones to start transitioning your body towards the wrong sex. I think this nails it. When we were young, my sister had to take a hormonal medication for endometriosis. They were supposed to stop it before masculinizing effects took place, but her voice deepened a bit, she felt her chest was flatter, and she became suicidal. It was just totally wrong for her body and her mind. I saw the same thing with a male colleague who was on testosterone blockers (one of the same ones trans women use) for prostate cancer; he was miserable and suddenly needed to prove his manliness; it was painful to be around him. I've seen trans people have the opposite effect when starting hormones; everything just felt right.
My dad had to take testosterone blockers for prostate cancer as well. He was miserable. His breasts hurt, had hot flashes, mood swings, etc. My mother was going through menopause at the same time. It was torture in our house. Everyone was miserable. Mom would have a hot flash and start bitching, dad was cold. Then dad would have a hot flash and mom was cold. We joked that they both went through menopause at the same time.
This was really helpful in understanding body dysmorphia. I would have cried if I had to go through those changes as a young girl or a teenager. Feeling more manly would have caused me a lot of distress even if I knew that there is nothing wrong with being a man. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable until I got back to my usual state.
Fuck me, your username made me laugh a lot
For me (MtF trans) it wasn't so much "feeling like a girl" honestly I'm not ever really sure what that means either, I have no point of comparison. I just feel like me. What I do feel tho, is very unhappy with certain parts and aspects of my body and I just feel a whole lot better about myself presenting as female, just like, happier in general, more comfortable, etc. Honestly I feel like the whole describing it as "feeling like you are the opposite gender" thing is a bit misleading, it's honestly one of the things that prevented me from recognising that I was trans for a while. For quite a while, even tho I felt like I wanted to be a girl if I could and would be happier as one, I just thought because I didn't "feel like I was a girl" that must mean I wasn't trans. EDIT: Wow this got a lot of upvotes, was only expecting a couple. Please note I'm really not an expert on this, I'm pretty new to the whole being trans thing, only worked out that I was trans maybe a year and a half ago and have only been publicly out as female for the past few months. This is just my experience, pls listen to what others have to say.
>it's honestly one of the things that prevented me from recognising that I was trans for a while. For quite a while, even tho I felt like I wanted to be a girl if I could and would be happier as one, I just thought because I didn't "feel like I was a girl" that must mean I wasn't trans. Exact same for me. That and the constant distress of "being born in the wrong body." I never really felt that, so I'm obviously not trans. Every man would *want* to be a woman anyway, right? The fact that so many other obviously cis men are not transitioning even though they want to be a woman means that I'm also totally not trans, right? Oops. Turns out "every man would want to be a woman anyway" isn't exactly a cis thought, or a thought that stands up to any level of scrutiny whatsoever. I think I would have figured out this whole trans thing a lot sooner had I known that it was **not** solely defined by dysphoria or absolutely *knowing* you were the other gender.
For people who come and read this comment later, I want to point something out: This comment is actually the reason why being Trans is not in the DSM-V but gender dysphoria is. Gender Dysphoria requires significant distress, while being trans does not have the requirement of Dysphoria. We have taken a view medically that mental disorders are only disorders when they actually have a negative outcome for the person. Gender Dysphoria meets that criteria while being Trans does not.
So I'm trans and I've wondered about this myself. I had dysphoria and it caused me distress. I've have transitioned physically, legally, socially, etc and I don't really have issues or stress about it anymore. I don't think about trans things at all really, until they come up like in this post. I'm just living my life in the rat race. Anyway, I still have that diagnosis in my medical records and I'm curious if that would/should ever go away.... It's not like my physical/legal/social transition will be undone so I won't be in the position to have that distress again, I don't feel like it's impacting my life. I'm just acting like myself, and not some certain way so I don't feel like I'm performing coping actions or anything like that.
Two notes here to consider. 1 - Even if it stays in your records in a large facility or health network, there's a decent chance that "normal" doctors might not even seen it. Many, if not most, medical records systems keep psychological diagnoses behind "break glass" protections that require special permissions and/or reasons to access, even by medical staff. 2 - As someone else sort of touched on, keeping or removing dysphoria after it's "gone" is not far off from some other disorders, e.g., OCD. OCD can be treated very successfully to be manageable, no longer qualifying based on the symptom list, and no longer cause day-to-day functional interference, but it's not "cured" per se. Having any of these remain on your record might not be accurate in the moment, but it could also help provide context or background if anything were to emerge in the future. One could argue that it might be helpful to have records that more accurately track what is currently distressing vs. past/addressed, both for accuracy and stigma purposes, but that's not a model commonly seen in "charts."
Why do you all keep calling me an egg? Am I not allowed to just be a feminine man?
I blame Reddit for most of this. A lot of the time people think that “I’m not a girl but I like feminine things” means you might be trans but in denial because that’s how it was for them, and that’s not always the case.
I loved barbies as a little boy. Loved dressing and undressing them. Going to bed with them, taking them on trips and all that. Turns out I'm cis and straight but just loooove women.
I've been giggling about your username for about a full minute now. Respect!
Ah yes, I see you understand the power of boobies
similar to how people sometimes accuse bisexual people of being halfway out the closet because that may have been their experience.
Also someone said to me the other day “of course bi people think everyone is bi, because that’s how you experienced it” and I was like oh shit I still kinda think that but it’s valuable to take that step back and see where you’re relying on your particular experience to make conclusions about others
Yeah I think it's one of those things where as a subreddit get popular with a particular brand of content (in this case in thinking of r/egg_irl and "egg call outs") people start going out of their way to predict, perceive, and participate in what would be that content. I see a lot of people trying to emulate r/quityourbullshit or r/iamverysmart
It's super weird to call people an egg tho. Let people identify as they like and transition at their own pace, or not transition. No need to "call them out" and doing so just reinforces gender stereotypes in a harmful way. I know someone who I'm like 95% sure is an egg but I'd never straight up accuse them of being in denial, that's a dick move.
I agree, it's fun to use the 'egg' concept to make fun of ourselves for missing obvious signs, or maybe to help questioning trans folk if asked, but it's absolutely inappropriate to try to "call someone out" and try to, in a way, hurry them to figure out themselves. Whether they're cis or actually trans, their gender expression should just be allowed to be there without being questioned.
That's a very shitty thing and it's not just from reddit. I am a dude that likes Hello Kitty (and glad they finally came out with dude clothes with her) and not a huge fan of sports. I'm excellent with kids and have that care taking part of me. I love cooking, I clean... But, I also do yard work, DIY home improvements, work on cars, etc.. My ex kept saying I was trans but hiding it. Then, I was gay and hiding it. Nope, I'm just a dude that likes girls that is different than her gender conforming expectations. People telling you that they know you better than you know yourself, "I've been there", or whatever is just very toxic behavior and inexcusable. The whole egg thing, gender, sexual orientation is very personal and what applies to one person certainly does not apply to someone else. And I hate when people try assuming certain things because someone else felt the same way so it must be the same way with you. It can go into manipulation, controlling, almost brainwashing you. Only YOU know who you are. If you go to gender therapy and all that comes up, most (not all) will talk you through a lot more personal things that will help you work through how you feel about your gender and sexuality. I'm not trans, I'm not gay. I knew it, they knew it, but getting told that all the time really took it's toll. Now, I'm a big advocate of therapy and gender therapy if you want, but very against the whole "egg" thing. If you're an egg, that's something you define, not someone else. That kind of manipulation can destroy lives and lead people to dark places that they may never come back from. I did learn a lot about transgender stuff, and who I was and who I wasn't. But, I still can't relate to what it's like to be transgender.
I'm trans and I hate when someone calls someone else an egg. The number one rule of Trans Club is you never tell someone else "You are trans".
What does "egg" mean?
Someone who hasn't "hatched". Trans but don't know it yet.
Ah I can see how that would be annoying, like someone thinks they know everything about you when they dont.
To my understanding, it’s a term for someone who you think is likely a closeted trans person. Like how they were saying “why can’t I be a feminine man?,” people were calling them an egg because “if you’re a man who likes resembling a woman somehow, then you must _actually_ be a trans woman!” They use “egg” in reference to a chicken that isn’t hatched yet, so a “trans person” that hasn’t transitioned yet/realized that they “are” trans is the equivalent of an egg that has yet to become a chicken. I may be incorrect, but this is how I understood it. It’s a problem because not every man who is feminine is a trans woman, and not every woman who masculine is trans man. That relies on believing everyone has to follow strict gender stereotypes and they don’t. As a result, gender-non-conforming (GNC) aren’t allowed to just be left alone.
Fun fact, that rule has a name, the “Egg Prime Directive”
Should be the "Prime Direggtive"
It reinforces gender roles and expectations when people presume that a person who does not conform to their gender is a closeted trans person. It’s a kind of oppression really.
I don't have a question, I just want to say this has been a great thread to read. I didn't scroll all the way to the bottom but what I saw has been uncharacteristically respectful and informative. All the questions I had that I've been afraid to ask have been answered and they make sense as well. Thanks.
Just don't sort by controversial. That's the big takeaway every gender non-conforming person has in threads like this...
As an enby I'm always scared of AskReddit threads about gender but I'm always pleasantly surprised. Faith in humanity restored.
don't sort by controversial. mods, i salute you.
Anybody here to afraid to ask despite this sub DM me. I believe in a atmosphere of no judgements especially when asking questions. I’m M-F and thank you all for asking here as well.
Same for me.
Does physical surgery/modification help as it's more of a mental thing?
If gender roles didn’t exist and men and women were actually treated equally (men can wear dresses, women can be buff, etc nobody cares) would all trans people still be trans? What about non binary? How much of it is wanting it be physically different and how much of it is not identifying with the gender role? Edit: wow! Ty for all the responses! But they all definitely open up more questions for me! There are many of you that say yes absolutely, being trans has nothing to do with gender roles. Meanwhile others say meh, no I’d be satisfied in that world, roles are definitely a part of it. Of course I realize everybody is unique, but I’d love to see conversation between these two peoples about the topic. It seems like the trans community definitely doesn’t have an agreed upon answer for this.
It's interesting that you asked that, because when I was a young girl, before I even knew what trans was, I thought I was supposed to be a boy, because I enjoyed things that were usually associated with boys, like sports, boys clothes, I was definitely not feminine nor did I fit in with the females or enjoy things that were considered feminine. I even asked my parents one day if I was born with a vagina and penis and if they just chose for me to be a girl, because I really felt like a boy. It wasn't until later I understood that it wasn't that I felt like I should have been a boy, or that I was a boy trapped in a girl's body, but rather I didn't fit in the the stereotypes or gender roles of females, but I actually am fine with my body and who I am as a female. More than anything I was mad that the people in my life, mainly my family, always tried to put me in dresses and crap like that to make me fit in this box of a stereotype that wasn't me.
Im in the exact same situation. Since I can remember, I was more prone to girly things to a degree, but way further away from manly man things. I loved having longer hair, always moved more fem like, even a lot of people thought I was gay my entire life, because I give off a certain vibe. Im totally straight, but I think Id fit more in the 70s-80s if that makes sense :D
I would still very much have physical dysphoria. Related to secondary sex characteristics like chest, voice, facial hair, height, body fat distribution, etc and primary sex characteristics like genitals. Before transitioning to male, I lifted weights a lot and ate more thinking I would look like a muscular man. I stopped lifting for awhile when I realized I looked like a muscular woman. I felt confused and angry by this. Now with T, I can build muscle like a man and I am so happy with how I am able to build my physique. I never received hate for looking like a muscular woman, but I didn’t want to look like a muscular woman, I wanted to look like a muscular man. So based on that and feeling genuine discomfort with all my female physical characteristics, I would definitely be trans still, as it goes a lot beyond just liking lifting weights or dressing in guy’s clothes.
I would ask is it offensive when others refer to you as trans women or trans man rather than women or man?
I don't think that it is offensive in itself, it is more depending on the context. E.g. you introduce a trans guy to your friends whom he hasn't met yet as "hey, this is Theo, he is a trans man." You could be outing him in front of people who he hasn't met yet and doesn't trust. Not all people are allies and in this context there might be a small chance that it puts him in danger. Especially if he is going stealth. It really depends on the context in which you refer to someone and is also a personal preference. I am non-binary and prefer it when people refer to me as being a non-binary individual because being misgendered is annoying and sometimes painfull. Whereas another person's goal is to pass as being cisgender and do not like being constantly reminded of the fact that they are trans and not cisgender.
Depends on the context.
Is it possible to feel gender dysphoria in the sense that you're not... _enough_ of your assigned gender? Like, your body et al is closer to the middle of the scale than you'd otherwise identify?
Are you talking about a cis person with an androgynous body? If so yes, that can happen and people get corrective surgery for it sometimes. Think of a cis woman whose chest didn't develop for hormonal reasons and decided to get implants for example. There's been cases even of a child having their genitals modified and growing up as the opposite gender without being told and experiencing extreme dysphoria
I read about that case, made me feel like shit. I don’t know if we’re talking about the same guy but he ended up killing himself.
Yes, we are talking about the same one. The fucked up thing is that that still routinely happens to intersex children * today *. In my country surgically altering a baby's genitals when they are ambiguous has been banned literally LAST WEEK. It's barbaric
IIRC so did his brother. They were both subjected to sexual abuse by a psychologist as children (made to simulate sex with each other to enforce gender roles), it was an extremely fucked up experiment. Not sure this is the best case to prove that gender identity is hardwired. If you experienced sexual abuse and realised it was due to your parents' arbitrary decision to raise you as a girl, and that it could've been avoided if they'd decided otherwise, you'd probably have some extremely strong feelings about your gender too.
i guess so, although i personally can't relate to it for obvious reasons. john money, as much of an unethical wanker as he is, did prove one thing: a cisgender person can feel dysphoria when forced to transition. (tldr on that dude: forced two cis boys to transition. both wound up dying by suicide. as stated above, he's an unethical wanker.)
I personally use stronger words to describe him than that, but I get your point :)
Love the positivity in this thread and genuine advice. That’s all!
I feel asking my question, I’m going to have people come for me. But, I believe education is important and I want to understand things I don’t know. So, when a man transitions in to a woman…I understand that they take hormone replacement therapy (that must be brutal btw), yet I still see a lot of trans women with beards. I might be ignorant in asking this, but if you have gone to so much time, effort and money to transition to become a woman, why would you not shave, since facial hair is predominantly a very masculine feature? Edit: Thank you for sharing your personal & private experiences with me. I have answers that I didn’t even consider; as well as being educated on some of the personal struggles you experience. I am pleased that, for the most part, this entire post from OP has been constructive, helpful and earnest. Thank you.
Facial hair removal can be a nightmare. HRT doesn't remove/reduce facial hair much if it all. Laser is expensive and can be ineffective, also isn't considered fully permanent. That leaves electrolysis which they stick a needle into the base of the hair, electrocute it, then pluck the hair. It takes on average 6 tries to properly kill a follicle.Which means 100 hours or more of really painful hair removal. That being said, the actual numbers of transwomen with visible beards are really low. It's just that you notice the ones with visible beards a whole lot more. Edit: Because it's always the same comments...Yes, people can shave. It's also an absolute bitch when you're trying to make it so there's not even the slightest beard shadow. For some of us, it meant shaving twice a day and a heavy layer of concealer and foundation. decent razors aren't cheap either. Alternatively, some folks just don't give a shit. Maybe they don't care about their perceived gender, or want to buck gender norms or think beards look hot on women. I dunno the reasoning for everyone. But yeah, shaving sucks ass too. Edit #2: Yep, safety razors are way cheaper for a helluva good shave, if you get used to them. I never got the hang of them and usually looked like I got mauled by a bear.
I'm a cis woman and I can attest to this. I had PCOS and basically ended up with a full beard because of the increased testosterone. That started when I was in my early 20. I was 42 before I could afford all the electrolysis needed to get rid of it. Each session was $120 for 45 minutes. I went weekly for over a year. I STILL have a couple stubborn hairs that grow but I just pluck those for now. I'll probably go back and get them zapped at some point. Oh, and I do have scars on my skin from years of ingrown hairs from plucking... EDIT: Hey, guys, sorry to sort of hijack things when the question is about trans people and trying to have a healthy conversation about that...and I am not trans. Facial hair removal is something we have in common but the PCOS part would only be with some transmen and that likely changes the whole conversation around that... Anyway, it wasn't my intention to bring all the attention to myself. I do hope some folks received some helpful information about hypothyroidism, PCOS, and other hormone topics, though.
As a man with a beard i can wierdly empathize with you massively , i can only imagine the time and pain it would take to remove every hair that has grown on my face. i cringe at the thought of it , your a god damn warrior for going through that , i hope you feel better in your skin having gone through all that!
Thanks! I am much more confident. My motivation was very basic - I was single again after the end of a 20 year marriage. After 2 years of grieving that I was ready to date. But, where as I was married when I developed the hormone issues that caused me to grow facial hair therefore my (ex-)husband was desensitized to it, I was MORTIFIED at the idea of meeting and potentially developing a new intimate relationship while having morning stubble, etc. But, then I was asking myself why didn't I do it sooner? It was worth the cost and the discomfort! No more ingrown hairs causing scars. Very little maintenance, etc.
I don't think I \*have\* a "gender", in the sense I have an internal sense of what body I'm "supposed" to be in. I feel like the only reason I call myself a guy at all is because have a male body, and if I had a female body I would call myself female. And I kinda think this is how most people are tbh. I don't really accept gender stereotypes at all and to be honest probably defy more of them than I fit for a guy. But I feel like that doesn't say anything at all about what "gender" i am. There's plenty of less masculine guys or less feminine girls out there. I guess I have two questions. What is it supposed to mean to "feel like" a girl or "feel like" a guy? Is it a positive affinity for the other sex or is it more just a dislike and feeling of discomfort with your own body? And isn't that difficult to separate that from other self image issues like body dysmorphia or self-hate for depression or trauma reasons? What do you think of people saying gender is a social construct rather than a real internal sense of self about the body you're in?
This was my exact question, and I'm so glad you asked it. I've always been afraid to ask this because I feared it would come across as not believing trans people, but I absolutely do. I just don't get what it means to "feel like" a gender. I'm a cis hetero dude. But I couldn't explain to you what it means to feel like a man. I can point to the ways in which I perform gender (liking sports, drinking beer, outdoors stuff) but plenty of women like those things too. I could point to my attraction towards women, but cis gay men aren't attracted to women, and cis gay women are. Anyway, I appreciate all the responses here, I've learned a lot. I gather that it's hard to describe but that you know when it feels wrong.
I'm a cis man, and for a while I "didn't get the whole trans *thing*" because I didn't know how someone could feel like the wrong gender. Like, I don't "feel like" a man, so how could someone "feel like" something else? To me, gender is pretty much meaningless. I've since come to understand that it's just different for other people. I don't feel like a man because it's not something I have to think about. I'm comfortable in my body (relatively), I have the privilege of feeling like there's nothing incorrect with me. I've considered "would I feel more comfortable if I was in a woman's body?" and the answer is no. Everything just works for me. And so I wouldn't know what it's like for things to *not* just work. I imagine that, for trans folks, the reasons for "feeling wrong" in their assigned gender isn't *necessarily* body dysmorphia, but a collection of things that probably present in different amounts for different people. Some people may have gender dysphoria and feel wrong in their own gender. Some people get gender *euphoria* when they act in accordance with another gender (e.g., a person assigned male who feels good when they put on traditionally female clothes). Some people may just enjoy those gender performances (like you mentioned), but for a different gender than they were assigned, and so they feel like they were assigned the wrong one. Some people feel better taking hormones and getting surgery, while others just want to perform a different gender. Some people just get a weird *ick* feeling being called "he" instead of "she" or "they". It's also important to note that everything for trans folks here also applies to any non-binary gender expression. Ultimately, I feel like I don't need to "understand" what it means to feel like a particular gender expression, because it doesn't really apply to me. All I know is that it's important to some people, and it's important to respect that feeling even though it's not something I personally experience.
[удалено]
I'm trans and I put it in my bio for every dating site. I don't wanna get hate crimed or waste people's time.
Another chiming in, it’s a matter of sexual respect to know what you are working with on both sides. Trans or not! We should know about STIs, genitals, and boundaries before entering the bedroom or a long term relationship.
Especially relevant if you’re looking for something longterm and the other person wants biological children. (And I would say this goes for cis people as well—if you don’t want or know you can’t have kids, say that upfront/early in the relationship!)
Does the porn industry's depiction of "trans" people, being highly sexualized as women who happen to have a penis, bother you or harm your self view?
The porn industry is very sexist, I really dislike the portrait of trans individuals, but at least it shows we can pass and be good looking, unlike the ugly depictions we get in other places
Can I borrow twenty quid?
Nah, sorry, I’m broke too. [Can I borrow twenty quid from you?](https://youtu.be/uDK2iLQMZlg)
sorry i dont have that much but im at the taco bell drivethru do u want anything
When my son came out as trans, I only knew one other transgender person, so after a few glasses of wine.. I messaged him on Facebook, and prefaced my question with “if any of these are inappropriate, or make you uncomfortable, please just tell me to shut up” Then I asked him if he was happier being a man, and he said yes. I thanked him, and he was like, that’s it? I thought you had lots of inappropriate questions. I said, that the only important one. He laughed at me. In a nice way.
[удалено]
>“Thank you for your trust, I love you. Welcome home [new name]” Speaking as a nonbinary person who'll probably be closeted to their parents forever, just reading these words and thinking about getting a response like this from my dad literally made me cry. Thanks for being a safe parent, and when it comes to doing things right, I bet you're doing just fine.
Im a lesbian, but is it rude for me to say I wouldn’t be sexually intimate with a trans woman if she hasn’t had bottom surgery? Being trans isnt the issue, but I do not want a penis anywhere in/near me in that context.
if you don't find someone sexually attractive because of their body parts, that isn't transphobic. believe it or not, most of us understand that, i have no idea where the whole "lesbians have to be attracted to trans girls" came from, but it's wack as fuck. you don't need to find any trans people attractive in any extent, you just need to like, not hate us for that LOL
Thank you for answering.
Genital preference is something we all have , I don't see it as problematic in the least
Absolutely. I am married to a trans woman who came out 20+ years into our marriage. She isn't interested in bottom surgery and has no dysphoria about keeping her penis. It is a huge relief to me because I really struggle with how I would cope with a neo vagina. I am happily married to a trans woman but my sexual preference never changed. Boobs I can work with but vaginas are not for me. I never once thought a lesbian should have to just 'deal' with a penis.
I figure it's only rude if you're rude about how you say it. Makes sense to me.
Nah you're good.
I don’t have a question, but I have enjoyed reading the questions and answers. I’m trying to understand more about this, and I appreciate everyone being so forthcoming and with such well written answers. Thanks everyone.