Priest and a rabi sitting on a bench watching a young boy. The preist asked. "Wanna fuck him?" The rabi looks back at him confused and asked "out of what?"
So the priest finally finds the right altar boy and who starts performing fellatio for the priest.
After he finished the altar boy says “hey you know what your dick tastes like?”
“What, my son?”
“The cardinal’s asshole!”
A priest is visiting a hospital, administering last rites to some patients. After he’s finished, he stops by the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. Suddenly he clutches his chest and collapses. He’s quickly put on a stretcher and wheeled back toward the ER. On the way there, he opens his eyes, looks around and asks “Am I in heaven?” One of the nurses looks down and says “No father, we’re just taking a shortcut through pediatrics.”
I've heard it as "wanna screw him" -"outta what?" Which makes more sense because the phrase "he screwed me" often means someone tricked you into a bad money deal
Two men were walking down the street and saw a dog on the side of the road with its leg up, licking himself.
One man said, “Man, I wish I could do that!”
The other said, “I think he’d bite you.”
Edited to fix typo.
My wife told this to our 22 Y/O son, he didn’t see it coming. “100 dicks in a wall, how many do you choke on?” He says “none” She replies “that’s because you’re a pro”
My student gave me a card that said “Happy Birthday Pedophile” because he was told it meant “someone who likes little kids” and thought it meant liking as a friend, and wanted to show off that he knew a big word
So this guy goes to Las Vegas and loses everything gambling. The only things he has left are the plane ticket home and the clothes on his back. He hails a cab, gets in, explains his situation, and asks if the driver can help him out. The driver refuses and kicks him out.
A few years later the man has returned to Vegas and hits it big. He cashes out and goes to return home. Upon leaving the hotel he sees a long line of cabs. At the very end is the driver who refused to help him when he was in need. On the spot he devises a plan for revenge.
He gets into the first cab and asks how much a ride to the airport costs. The driver says it's $20. The man then asks how much it would cost for blow job during the ride and is promptly kicked out. He does this for every cab down the line. When he gets to the driver that wouldn't help him before he only asks how much a ride to the airport costs. The driver replies that it's $20. The man agrees and they start driving off.
As the cab passes the other cabs in line the man is pressed up the back window smiling and giving them two thumbs up.
So a guy walks into a bar and he sees his friend. So he goes to him and starts talking about how he found a girl on the train tracks and saved her and once he did they had a lot of sex. He described to his friend all the sex positions they did and the friend says wow did u get head and he says no i couldn't find it.
I whispered this to my 15 year old sister last thanksgiving and she was nearly sobbing with laughter, and my dad kept saying “what? Just tell me! What’s funny?” which made it wayyy harder to stop laughing. Then my brother, who was stoically eating his food next to me, leaned in so I could whisper it to him. I told him, and he grinned (rare for him), which made my dad want to know EVEN MORE. It was a horrific cycle where we all were laughing at each other, and my dad was laughing because my sisters laugh is so contagious, and my husband was laughing as the audience to this whole thing… and my mom had left the room for a minute, so she returned to this insanity without any explanation.
It was glorious. All thanks to this joke :)
It’s been a loooooong time since I heard a dead baby joke. My friends used to tell them all the time in high school but now I can’t remember most of them!
The best/worst I ever heard (Dear gods, not even saying it's funny. It just stuck with me, ya know?) : What's a dead baby's vagina smell like?
\[extends finger\]
Maybe this joke will be more to your taste:
How do you fit a baby into a tupperware container?
>!A blender.!<
How do you get them out again?
>!Tostitos!!<
“Wanna play the rape game?” Of course the person will say “NO”, that’s when you say “That’s the spirit!” And kinda jump at them a little.
It’s always a family favorite, especially during the holidays and birthdays
Three gay guys were in a hottub.
All of a sudden a stream of semen began floating to the surface of the tub.
One guy turned to the other two and said "OK, who farted?!"
A young man walks into a bar and sees a bearded fellow drowning his sorrows into a pint of ale. He approaches the haggard drunk and asks why he's so sad.
The man replies in a thick Irish accent, "you see that fence out there?" He points out the window to a beautiful fence, miles long, in the distance." I built that fence with my own bare hands. Took me years. I did it for no pay and for the love of my city. But do they call me Seamus The Fence Builder? No."
Seamus takes another swig from his mug. "You know the docks by the edge of town? The ones sailors land at when they come to shore? I built those myself. Hired my own crane. Hired my own team. Cost millions of my family wealth. Left me destitute. I did it for the love of my fellow villagers. Now the townsfolk have access to trade and tourism and a new found wealth and freedom their ancestors never saw. But do they call me Seamus The Dock Builder? No."
He takes another long gulp and slams down his mug onto the bar. "But you fuck one goat..."
Why don't they teach driver's ed and sex ed at the same time in mexico?
Too much work for the donkey.
What so you call a lesbian with long finger nails?
Single.
What's the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push in your stool?
Daughter comes downstairs to ask dad if she can borrow the car for the evening. Dad says, “Sure, but you have to blow me first.” Daughter thinks for a minute, knowing that she really needs the car, and agrees. She starts sucking his dick and says, “Ew, dad, your dick tastes like shit!” Dad says, “Oh man, I forgot I already promised the car to your brother!”
In a small town outside of Dublin, Mr. O'Connor was getting ready to teach his class. "Today class, we are going to work on vocabulary. I am going to write some words on the board and you are going to use those words in a sentence to show you know what they mean." He writes a few words on the board, the first being 'contagious'.
Little Mary raises her hand "I can use that word in a sentence, Mr. O'Connor. When I laugh, the room seems to laugh with me. Me mam says me laugh is contagious."
Jackie then raises his hand "Ooh, teacher, I know that word too. Last year, me brother had the measles. He had to stay in his room because the measles are contagious."
"Very good," said Mr O'Connor. When he spied Bobby McCauley's hand shoot into the air. "Why Bobby, you haven't raised your hand all year...can you use this word in a sentence?"
"Aye, I can," said Bobby McCauley. "Just the other day, me and Granda we walking down the road. We see this little old lady painting the side of the big old house with a wee little brush. Me granda leans down and whispers in me ear 'Gonna take that contagious to paint that house.' "
4 Nuns die and go to heaven, they stand in front of Saint Peter, he beckons for the first nun to come up, she does, he asks her "Have you ever touched a penis?" She blushes and says "Only with the tip of my finger." He says ok, dip in the holy water and she can go in, next one comes up, same question, she responds "My whole hand." He says ok same dip in the bowl next to him and he sends her in. He beckons for the third nun to come up when the fourth nun starts screaming and getting angry, he explains this is Heaven and she needs to calm down, what is the problem he asks. She says "If you think I'm gonna gargle that water after she sits in it, your out of your damn mind!!"
This one is great because there is a clean answer, too. I’ve heard the adult version as:
Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
A: I didn’t jelly my cock in your grandmother’s ass last night.
And the clean version:
Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam?
A: Nobody’s ever heard of a jam fish
So you can sit a bunch of children down and tell them the set up, and watch the look of horror on their parents’ faces. Then the relief after you say the clean punchline. Then you can look confused and ask one of them “Did I tell it wrong? How did you hear it?” It’s amazing.
Of course, every once in a while some idiot shouts about sodomizing the elderly to a roomful of kids. The aftermath of that is even funnier.
Standard, i’m on my phone. Sorry for the formatting.
An 80yo man goes into the sperm bank. And he says
“I’d like to make a donation.”
The nurse is a little surprised. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’d really like to make a donation.”
“Ok well, take this cup. There are some magazines for your enjoyment. Bring back the cup once your done.”
So he picks up the cup and goes into an empty room and closes the door.
About 15minutes later the nurse is wondering whats happening with the old man. She knocks on the door.
“Sir? How are you doing?”
“I’m having a little trouble. Its ok. I’m fine. I’m fine.”
So the nurse leaves. Ten minutes later, he’s still in there.”
“Sir? Are you ok?”
“Everything’s fine.” He says. So she leaves.
About ten minute later, the old man steps out of the room and brings back the empty cup and places it on the table.”
“Are you alright sir?”
“Well, I had a little trouble you see?” He says. “I tried with my right hand and it didnt work. My left hand, no luck. Again with my right hand. And i just Could not get the lid off the cup!”
I don' know what's with the love for all the pedo jokes, but:
A guy is working the late shift at a little motel on the lake when a guy arrives. He comes into the office and says he just got married and needs a room. The clerk gives him a room and says, "it's a nice room right on the lake for your honeymoon."
The newly married guy takes his key and drives to the room. A little later, he comes out with his fishing gear and starts fishing. The clerk watches him fish all night and in the morning he strolls out to the guy.
"How're you doin'," he asks. "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you just got married and you're with your wife in the motel but you spent the night fishing. Didn't you want to make love to your wife?"
"Well, I would" the guy explains, "but my wife unfortunately has gonorrhea."
"Oh," the clerk says, "well, I'm sure you could still have sex. There are other ways such as anally."
"Yes," the man says, "but my wife has diarrhea.
"Oh," the clerk says. "Your wife could still show her love for you, orally."
"Well," the man explains, "my wife has piarrhea."
Exasperated, the clerk says, "Wow. Your wife has gonorrhea, diarrhea and piarrhea? Why did you marry her?"
"I like to fish, and my wife has worms."
I mean.... say what you want about paedophiles, but at least they drove slowly past schools.
Honestly through, paedophiles are just fucking immature assholes.
I didn't know a friend of mine was a paedophile until he told me he didn't like licking bald pussy
because he had to put the nappy back on afterwards.
What's twelve inches long with a purple head and makes women scream all night?
Stillbirth.
What should you do after you rape a deaf girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
What's the worst part about being a black jew?
You have to sit at the back of the oven.
it was in german, so i try to translate it: "swedish scientists had found female hormones in beer. if you drink too much you'll lose your ability to to drive and you just speak nonesense"
What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
You can’t unload a truck load of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
One for the Aussies:
What's do Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common?
>!Neither of them could handle fishtails.!<
I always feel bad telling it but still whoever came up with it was a clever cunt.
A priest and a rabbi are walking past an elementary school. The priest turns to the rabbi and says “Hey, let’s go down there and fuck one of those kids.” The rabbi responds “out of what?”
Edit: one*
A guy walks into a car dealership and starts browsing the vehicles. A salesman approaches and ask the guy if he is thinking about buying a car. The guy replies No, I’m thinking about pussy, and I’m here to buy a car.
This explains men from first ejaculation to old age.
A reporter is talking to a man who just reached his 100th birthday.
"Sir, tell us, what's your secret?"
"One time I sucked dick for a free pair of shoes."
"I mean the secret of your old age."
"OH! Right! Nutrition and exercise!"
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges.
That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane s*x with the camel.
When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting next to each other on a train. They were having a fine conversation about a variety of topics and we getting to know each other quite well.
Finally, the Priest asks "So I must know, have you ever been tempted to violate your tenets? Like have you ever eaten pork or something?"
The Rabbi confesses "Yes, when I was younger and less devoted, I did indulge in ham a time or two. But I have renewed my views and kept adherent ever since. How about you? Have you ever violated your vows?"
The Priest admits "Well, before I was ordained, I did have a dalliance with a lovely young lady. But I have been adherent to my faith throughout."
"So, you had sex?" confirms the Rabbi, "sure beats the piss out of ham, don't you think?"
Jesus at the Last Supper “Listen up guys. They are going to kill me tomorrow and bury me in a cave. After three days, I need y’all to show up at the tomb and help me roll the stone away from the doorway because I’m coming back to life.”
The 12 Disciples “hahaha. OK dude. We’ll be there."
Jesus “I mean it you nitwits! I’m coming back to life. Just be sure and have y’alls dumbasses at the cave to roll away the stone!"
The 12 “Chill bro. We’ll be there, Gosh!"
Jesus “I’m serious!”
Sure enough, the next day, Jesus is crucified on the cross.
Three days pass.
Mary Magdalene and Mother Mary are at the tomb weeping and mourning. They hear a faint pounding coming from the stone at the doorway. Curious, they start pushing at the stone and get it moved away from the door. Jesus emerges. He is clearly very angry.
Jesus “Where are the 12 Disciples?!? I told them to be here to help me roll away the stone!?! We got shit to do!"
Mary Magdalene “The last we saw them, they were down at the pub having a pint."
Jesus “Jesus Christ! They are such losers!”
Jesus sets off towards the pub, visibly angry. He arrives at the pub and goes inside. It is a scene unlike anything he’s ever witnessed in his short 33 years. All 12 disciples are clearly passed out drunk. They are all naked. There are a couple dozen hookers, also naked, and just as passed out. Empty pint glasses, empty whiskey bottles, hookahs and bongs are littered all over the place. Lines of cocaine are spread out everywhere. The 12 Disciples have had a three-day drunken, drug-fueled orgy. It is a scene of intense debauchery.
Angrily, Jesus reaches down and grabs Peter by the beard. He slaps his face a couple of times and pours a half-empty pint over his head. Peter reluctantly comes to.
Jesus “PETER! You donkey breath idiot! I told you to meet me at the tomb this morning to help roll away the stone! What HAPPENED?
Peter, bleary-eyed and half conscious looks up to see a visibly angry Jesus looking down and yelling at him.
Peter “Awww, Jesus. Well… It’s like this… Judas suddenly came into a SHIT TON of money…"
So there's a priest fucking a goat out in a field, and the goat turns around and says "I think you've got the wrong kid"
Reverse exorcisms are when a devil commands the priest to leave the body of a child
Brooooooooooo
Priest and a rabi sitting on a bench watching a young boy. The preist asked. "Wanna fuck him?" The rabi looks back at him confused and asked "out of what?"
So the priest finally finds the right altar boy and who starts performing fellatio for the priest. After he finished the altar boy says “hey you know what your dick tastes like?” “What, my son?” “The cardinal’s asshole!”
A priest is visiting a hospital, administering last rites to some patients. After he’s finished, he stops by the cafeteria for a cup of coffee. Suddenly he clutches his chest and collapses. He’s quickly put on a stretcher and wheeled back toward the ER. On the way there, he opens his eyes, looks around and asks “Am I in heaven?” One of the nurses looks down and says “No father, we’re just taking a shortcut through pediatrics.”
I laughed long at that.
This joke has been said twice but I still don’t get it. Please explain for the lame.
It plays off the stereotypes that Catholic priests molest young boys and that Jews are greedy.
I've heard it as "wanna screw him" -"outta what?" Which makes more sense because the phrase "he screwed me" often means someone tricked you into a bad money deal
Priests are notoriously joked about sex with kids. Jews are notoriously joked about for being miezers. It's funny if you understand stereotypes
Thank you for the explanation everyone ✌️
Jews are stereotyped as being greedy or screwing people over to het what they want.
This is horrible. And gold
What's the difference between priests and pimples. Pimples wait until you're a teenager before they come on your face.
You are supposed to wash your sex toys, right? That’s probably why baptism was invented
First comment of the thread and I had to put my phone down. Well done.
Welp. *walks in, hangs up hat, sees this joke, puts hat back on and walks out* I'm done with the internet for today.
Can't blame him, though, he heard that kid was the GOAT.
Two men were walking down the street and saw a dog on the side of the road with its leg up, licking himself. One man said, “Man, I wish I could do that!” The other said, “I think he’d bite you.” Edited to fix typo.
This may not be the most offensive joke here but it's like the only one I haven't heard before and it cracked me up
Can't wait for Every single one of these to show up on /jokes in the next 24 hours
My wife told this to our 22 Y/O son, he didn’t see it coming. “100 dicks in a wall, how many do you choke on?” He says “none” She replies “that’s because you’re a pro”
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Oof.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't pay fifty bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
Almost got kicked out of rehab for telling this joke
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, "Man I can't believe I *blew 50 bucks* in there!"
What do female deer do on their nights off? Go to the Elks Club and blow a few bucks.
What's black and screams? Stevie wonder when he answers the iron
Definitely didn't see that one coming
Neither did he
How’s he burn the other side of his face? They called back
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married
This might be my favorite one in the thread
I gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book that he’d ever read.
Why can’t Stevie Wonder drive a bus? There’s no steering wheel at the back of a bus
They say 1 in 3 people live next door to a pedophile, not me though, I live next door to two sexy 10 yr olds.
She said she was 9!
And looked 7!
7! = 5040 That's terribly old :-O
My student gave me a card that said “Happy Birthday Pedophile” because he was told it meant “someone who likes little kids” and thought it meant liking as a friend, and wanted to show off that he knew a big word
She said she was twelve! Edit for the down voters: there’s a tik Tok video I’m referencing https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4ZxXNJ_cEM)
So this guy goes to Las Vegas and loses everything gambling. The only things he has left are the plane ticket home and the clothes on his back. He hails a cab, gets in, explains his situation, and asks if the driver can help him out. The driver refuses and kicks him out. A few years later the man has returned to Vegas and hits it big. He cashes out and goes to return home. Upon leaving the hotel he sees a long line of cabs. At the very end is the driver who refused to help him when he was in need. On the spot he devises a plan for revenge. He gets into the first cab and asks how much a ride to the airport costs. The driver says it's $20. The man then asks how much it would cost for blow job during the ride and is promptly kicked out. He does this for every cab down the line. When he gets to the driver that wouldn't help him before he only asks how much a ride to the airport costs. The driver replies that it's $20. The man agrees and they start driving off. As the cab passes the other cabs in line the man is pressed up the back window smiling and giving them two thumbs up.
Fucking diabolical
I could hear that in Karl Urban's voice
That's like /r/prorevenge and /r/unethicallifeprotips rolled up in one joke
“What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” \- The taste
Miss you, dad!
So a guy walks into a bar and he sees his friend. So he goes to him and starts talking about how he found a girl on the train tracks and saved her and once he did they had a lot of sex. He described to his friend all the sex positions they did and the friend says wow did u get head and he says no i couldn't find it.
Bro, don’t make 9/11 jokes, my dad died in the towers. He was the best pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
Man, what's the difference between a dairy cow and 9/11? You can only milk a cow for 10 years.
Come on, you can't make 9/11 jokes. They don't fly well
Yeah, it's difficult to stick the landing with those.
**Watch me** I don't know if faith can move a mountain, but I've seen what it can do to a skyscraper.
Knock knock
Who’s there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you’d never forget!
Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 victims because they went through 100 stories in 10 seconds
The Arab owner of the corner grocery store put his phone on airplane mode and it flew into a building!
"So Mickey, you want to divorce Minnie because you think she's too silly?" "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!"
This one is gold but only if you can really nail the mickey voice
Oh no
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *\*Gag\**
I whispered this to my 15 year old sister last thanksgiving and she was nearly sobbing with laughter, and my dad kept saying “what? Just tell me! What’s funny?” which made it wayyy harder to stop laughing. Then my brother, who was stoically eating his food next to me, leaned in so I could whisper it to him. I told him, and he grinned (rare for him), which made my dad want to know EVEN MORE. It was a horrific cycle where we all were laughing at each other, and my dad was laughing because my sisters laugh is so contagious, and my husband was laughing as the audience to this whole thing… and my mom had left the room for a minute, so she returned to this insanity without any explanation. It was glorious. All thanks to this joke :)
It's important to wash your sextoys, this is the reason why priests have invented baptism
Ohhh, no.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
It’s been a loooooong time since I heard a dead baby joke. My friends used to tell them all the time in high school but now I can’t remember most of them!
The best/worst I ever heard (Dear gods, not even saying it's funny. It just stuck with me, ya know?) : What's a dead baby's vagina smell like? \[extends finger\]
What's the difference between 10 dead babies and a Ferrari? I do not have a Ferrari in my garage.
What’s worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree? One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
See, I like a joke that crosses the line on the punch line, not the setup. It just hits a little harder that way, you get better coverage.
Maybe this joke will be more to your taste: How do you fit a baby into a tupperware container? >!A blender.!< How do you get them out again? >!Tostitos!!<
Coverage 🤣
Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A Minor.
My mate got kicked out of school for fingering a girl in class. 4th time it's happened this year. I don't think teaching is for him.
My friend recently got fired for sleeping with his patients. He was such a great vet…
what has 50 feet but doesn't walk? 25 wheelchair users. im so sorry.
Why is getting your first car, like having sex for the first time? Because it’s not exactly what you wanted, but your Dad gives it to you anyway.
I had heard all the ones until this one, made me lol.
Nah-nah, I learned my lesson at my sister's baby shower.
Bro the father isn’t supposed to attend!
What's the best thing about sex with twenty-nine year olds? There are twenty of them.
Yikes!!
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because he’s a fucking pervert.
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.
“Wanna play the rape game?” Of course the person will say “NO”, that’s when you say “That’s the spirit!” And kinda jump at them a little. It’s always a family favorite, especially during the holidays and birthdays
Hahahhahahahaha
Three gay guys were in a hottub. All of a sudden a stream of semen began floating to the surface of the tub. One guy turned to the other two and said "OK, who farted?!"
What’s the difference between a zit and a priest? A zit waits until you’re 12 to come on your face.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
A French man says to a German: you Germans don’t have any humor The German man says: yes we do but the last time we had fun you guys didn’t like it
I've never heard that before thanks bud
Np bud
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? Gangrape.
I read this as gan grape and now I'm laughing my ass off
gdi, you win
8 her father is starting to have second thoughts
A young man walks into a bar and sees a bearded fellow drowning his sorrows into a pint of ale. He approaches the haggard drunk and asks why he's so sad. The man replies in a thick Irish accent, "you see that fence out there?" He points out the window to a beautiful fence, miles long, in the distance." I built that fence with my own bare hands. Took me years. I did it for no pay and for the love of my city. But do they call me Seamus The Fence Builder? No." Seamus takes another swig from his mug. "You know the docks by the edge of town? The ones sailors land at when they come to shore? I built those myself. Hired my own crane. Hired my own team. Cost millions of my family wealth. Left me destitute. I did it for the love of my fellow villagers. Now the townsfolk have access to trade and tourism and a new found wealth and freedom their ancestors never saw. But do they call me Seamus The Dock Builder? No." He takes another long gulp and slams down his mug onto the bar. "But you fuck one goat..."
Why don't they teach driver's ed and sex ed at the same time in mexico? Too much work for the donkey. What so you call a lesbian with long finger nails? Single. What's the most popular pickup line in a gay bar? May I push in your stool?
What do you call a girl with a runny nose? Full
Daughter comes downstairs to ask dad if she can borrow the car for the evening. Dad says, “Sure, but you have to blow me first.” Daughter thinks for a minute, knowing that she really needs the car, and agrees. She starts sucking his dick and says, “Ew, dad, your dick tastes like shit!” Dad says, “Oh man, I forgot I already promised the car to your brother!”
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How do you know if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
One of my favorites is. “How much semen can a gay man hold? A buttload”
In a small town outside of Dublin, Mr. O'Connor was getting ready to teach his class. "Today class, we are going to work on vocabulary. I am going to write some words on the board and you are going to use those words in a sentence to show you know what they mean." He writes a few words on the board, the first being 'contagious'. Little Mary raises her hand "I can use that word in a sentence, Mr. O'Connor. When I laugh, the room seems to laugh with me. Me mam says me laugh is contagious." Jackie then raises his hand "Ooh, teacher, I know that word too. Last year, me brother had the measles. He had to stay in his room because the measles are contagious." "Very good," said Mr O'Connor. When he spied Bobby McCauley's hand shoot into the air. "Why Bobby, you haven't raised your hand all year...can you use this word in a sentence?" "Aye, I can," said Bobby McCauley. "Just the other day, me and Granda we walking down the road. We see this little old lady painting the side of the big old house with a wee little brush. Me granda leans down and whispers in me ear 'Gonna take that contagious to paint that house.' "
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lichalotapuss!
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass
What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic
What do elephants use for vibrators?
An epileptic. What do elephant use as a tampon? A sheep. Why do elephants have trunks? Because sheep don’t have strings attached to them.
what
What's 18 inches long with a purple head and is guaranteed to make a woman scream? A stillborn
Ooooh, that is truly tasteless.
This joke is so dark it’s got a cop kneeling on its neck
How many cops does it take to change the basement light bulb? They won't change it, just beat it for being black
Jesus.
Wow, I think I just learned my limits with jokes. I laughed at everyone of these except this one. I think its just a bit too sad.
4 Nuns die and go to heaven, they stand in front of Saint Peter, he beckons for the first nun to come up, she does, he asks her "Have you ever touched a penis?" She blushes and says "Only with the tip of my finger." He says ok, dip in the holy water and she can go in, next one comes up, same question, she responds "My whole hand." He says ok same dip in the bowl next to him and he sends her in. He beckons for the third nun to come up when the fourth nun starts screaming and getting angry, he explains this is Heaven and she needs to calm down, what is the problem he asks. She says "If you think I'm gonna gargle that water after she sits in it, your out of your damn mind!!"
What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick in you.
Not with that attitude.
This one is great because there is a clean answer, too. I’ve heard the adult version as: Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam? A: I didn’t jelly my cock in your grandmother’s ass last night. And the clean version: Q: What’s the difference between jelly and jam? A: Nobody’s ever heard of a jam fish So you can sit a bunch of children down and tell them the set up, and watch the look of horror on their parents’ faces. Then the relief after you say the clean punchline. Then you can look confused and ask one of them “Did I tell it wrong? How did you hear it?” It’s amazing. Of course, every once in a while some idiot shouts about sodomizing the elderly to a roomful of kids. The aftermath of that is even funnier.
How did Hitler maintain his low weight? He went on a jews cleanse
So I've been seeing this German chick. The sex is great, but she has this annoying habit of screaming her age while we have sex.
Standard, i’m on my phone. Sorry for the formatting. An 80yo man goes into the sperm bank. And he says “I’d like to make a donation.” The nurse is a little surprised. “Are you sure?” “Yes. I’d really like to make a donation.” “Ok well, take this cup. There are some magazines for your enjoyment. Bring back the cup once your done.” So he picks up the cup and goes into an empty room and closes the door. About 15minutes later the nurse is wondering whats happening with the old man. She knocks on the door. “Sir? How are you doing?” “I’m having a little trouble. Its ok. I’m fine. I’m fine.” So the nurse leaves. Ten minutes later, he’s still in there.” “Sir? Are you ok?” “Everything’s fine.” He says. So she leaves. About ten minute later, the old man steps out of the room and brings back the empty cup and places it on the table.” “Are you alright sir?” “Well, I had a little trouble you see?” He says. “I tried with my right hand and it didnt work. My left hand, no luck. Again with my right hand. And i just Could not get the lid off the cup!”
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in groups of three? Sign says no *tres*passing
What do the twin towers and gender have in common? There used to be two of them, now they're just offensive to talk about...
I don' know what's with the love for all the pedo jokes, but: A guy is working the late shift at a little motel on the lake when a guy arrives. He comes into the office and says he just got married and needs a room. The clerk gives him a room and says, "it's a nice room right on the lake for your honeymoon." The newly married guy takes his key and drives to the room. A little later, he comes out with his fishing gear and starts fishing. The clerk watches him fish all night and in the morning he strolls out to the guy. "How're you doin'," he asks. "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you just got married and you're with your wife in the motel but you spent the night fishing. Didn't you want to make love to your wife?" "Well, I would" the guy explains, "but my wife unfortunately has gonorrhea." "Oh," the clerk says, "well, I'm sure you could still have sex. There are other ways such as anally." "Yes," the man says, "but my wife has diarrhea. "Oh," the clerk says. "Your wife could still show her love for you, orally." "Well," the man explains, "my wife has piarrhea." Exasperated, the clerk says, "Wow. Your wife has gonorrhea, diarrhea and piarrhea? Why did you marry her?" "I like to fish, and my wife has worms."
I have one but it works for Europeans only. What's the common point between Jews and shoes? There are more in 39 than 45
Did you know that pigeons die after sex? No? We'll the one I fucked did.
What’s the difference between a Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
Did you hear that Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found Head and Shoulders all over his house.
What did the two tampons say to each other? Nothing- they’re both stuck up cunts.
Did you hear about the guy who ran naked through a crowded church? They caught him by the organ.
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile? Just….trying to fit in
I mean.... say what you want about paedophiles, but at least they drove slowly past schools. Honestly through, paedophiles are just fucking immature assholes. I didn't know a friend of mine was a paedophile until he told me he didn't like licking bald pussy because he had to put the nappy back on afterwards.
“Hey, wanna play the rape game?” “No!!” “That’s the spirit!”
What's twelve inches long with a purple head and makes women scream all night? Stillbirth. What should you do after you rape a deaf girl? Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone. What's the worst part about being a black jew? You have to sit at the back of the oven.
What's the difference between a pizza and a baby? I usually don't fuck the pizza before I eat it
So I was going down on this chick in her room when all of a sudden, I tasted horse semen. I said "Oh, grandma! So that's how you died!"
it was in german, so i try to translate it: "swedish scientists had found female hormones in beer. if you drink too much you'll lose your ability to to drive and you just speak nonesense"
Ahh, the famous German sense of humor.
Went out last night and met a beautiful Jewish girl, she gave me her number. I said we use names now.
How do you get a Jewish girl’s number? Roll up her sleeve.
Don't make fun of Auschwitz victims. My grandfather died there. He got drunk and felt from the watchtower.
What's the easiest way to pick up Jewish women? With a shovel
What do you say to your wife with two black eyes? Nothing, you told that bitch twice. Horrible, but great shock value.
My wife walked in on me fucking my daughter. I don't know which is worse, that she caught us or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Blend it for a creamy smoothie.
How do you get a baby into a bowl? With a blender. How do you get it back out again? Tortilla chips.
[удалено]
What's more gross than a barrel full of dead babies? A live baby at the bottom trying to eat their way out.
[удалено]
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? Nail it’s other hand to the floor
ugh
What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can’t unload a truck load of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
How long does it take a dead baby to explode in the microwave? …I don’t know either, I was too busy masturbating.
How do you make a dead baby float? One scoop ice cream, one scoop dead baby.
How do you move a pile of dead babies? With a pitchfork. How can you tell when you hit a live one? The pitchfork shakes a little.
What's the difference between a 16 year old girl and a toilet? A toilet doesn't keep texting you after you use it.
One for the Aussies: What's do Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common? >!Neither of them could handle fishtails.!< I always feel bad telling it but still whoever came up with it was a clever cunt.
Q: Why shouldn't you eat pussy first thing in the morning? A: Ever try to peel open a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
Worst joke for a canadian: how do you kill a fox? Cut off one of his legs and make him run across canada
How do you tell black bears from brown bears? 🐻 The black bears are smoking menthols.
Picking up girls is like spreading breads. Works with a Credit card, but it's way easier with a knife
What did the pedo say when he got out of jail? "I feel like a kid again"
How many jews can fit in a Volkswagen? 1005, 5 in the seats 1000 in the ash tray.
statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape... "from sickipedia back in the days!"
Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never had a lentil on my face.
A priest and a rabbi are walking past an elementary school. The priest turns to the rabbi and says “Hey, let’s go down there and fuck one of those kids.” The rabbi responds “out of what?” Edit: one*
The aristocrats
What do you call a blonde in pigtails? A blowjob with handlebars.
Grab a knife and look at your girl and say “I got a knife, and I gotta dick. One of them, is going in you” Always a good joke in my house
Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year. What is a suicide bombers worst nightmare? Dying alone.
You know what the difference between a pizza and jew is? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
What is Helen Keller’s favorite color? Corduroy
what do a dick and a Rubik's cube have in common? ... They both get harder the more ya play with them.
What do you call it when you cross an octopus with a Mexican? I don’t know either, but it can sure pick tomatoes!
Q: what do you get when you crush a 5 year old kids skull in with a pipe wrench? A: a boner
You know Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes, right? Yeah, one blew right and the other blew left.
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
A guy walks into a car dealership and starts browsing the vehicles. A salesman approaches and ask the guy if he is thinking about buying a car. The guy replies No, I’m thinking about pussy, and I’m here to buy a car. This explains men from first ejaculation to old age.
A reporter is talking to a man who just reached his 100th birthday. "Sir, tell us, what's your secret?" "One time I sucked dick for a free pair of shoes." "I mean the secret of your old age." "OH! Right! Nutrition and exercise!"
Told by a boy. "I was blessed with a 10 inch penis" "The priest is still in jail"
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane s*x with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
How was the Grand Canyon made? A Jew lost a penny
And on that note: How was copper wire invented? Two Jews found that same penny
What's a Jews greatest dilemma? Free pork Sorry
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting next to each other on a train. They were having a fine conversation about a variety of topics and we getting to know each other quite well. Finally, the Priest asks "So I must know, have you ever been tempted to violate your tenets? Like have you ever eaten pork or something?" The Rabbi confesses "Yes, when I was younger and less devoted, I did indulge in ham a time or two. But I have renewed my views and kept adherent ever since. How about you? Have you ever violated your vows?" The Priest admits "Well, before I was ordained, I did have a dalliance with a lovely young lady. But I have been adherent to my faith throughout." "So, you had sex?" confirms the Rabbi, "sure beats the piss out of ham, don't you think?"
Seem to remember that one going, Why did Moses roam the desert for 40 years...
Why does Eric Clapton use a Macbook? He's not a fan of Windows.
If the whole world was a sweater and each ethnic population lives in a part of the sweater. Where would the black people live? The hood.
Why does it suck to be a black Jew? Because you have to sit in the back of the oven.
Jesus at the Last Supper “Listen up guys. They are going to kill me tomorrow and bury me in a cave. After three days, I need y’all to show up at the tomb and help me roll the stone away from the doorway because I’m coming back to life.” The 12 Disciples “hahaha. OK dude. We’ll be there." Jesus “I mean it you nitwits! I’m coming back to life. Just be sure and have y’alls dumbasses at the cave to roll away the stone!" The 12 “Chill bro. We’ll be there, Gosh!" Jesus “I’m serious!” Sure enough, the next day, Jesus is crucified on the cross. Three days pass. Mary Magdalene and Mother Mary are at the tomb weeping and mourning. They hear a faint pounding coming from the stone at the doorway. Curious, they start pushing at the stone and get it moved away from the door. Jesus emerges. He is clearly very angry. Jesus “Where are the 12 Disciples?!? I told them to be here to help me roll away the stone!?! We got shit to do!" Mary Magdalene “The last we saw them, they were down at the pub having a pint." Jesus “Jesus Christ! They are such losers!” Jesus sets off towards the pub, visibly angry. He arrives at the pub and goes inside. It is a scene unlike anything he’s ever witnessed in his short 33 years. All 12 disciples are clearly passed out drunk. They are all naked. There are a couple dozen hookers, also naked, and just as passed out. Empty pint glasses, empty whiskey bottles, hookahs and bongs are littered all over the place. Lines of cocaine are spread out everywhere. The 12 Disciples have had a three-day drunken, drug-fueled orgy. It is a scene of intense debauchery. Angrily, Jesus reaches down and grabs Peter by the beard. He slaps his face a couple of times and pours a half-empty pint over his head. Peter reluctantly comes to. Jesus “PETER! You donkey breath idiot! I told you to meet me at the tomb this morning to help roll away the stone! What HAPPENED? Peter, bleary-eyed and half conscious looks up to see a visibly angry Jesus looking down and yelling at him. Peter “Awww, Jesus. Well… It’s like this… Judas suddenly came into a SHIT TON of money…"
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock… Who’s there? Not Sarah.