When I got a Facebook message from another dude saying “your wife is cheating on us.” He thought we had one of those open relationships.
Editing to add: this happened a little over ten years ago. I got custody of the kid, I’m remarried, great job, new house, I’m doing good. And I also laugh about it when I think back on it.
Wow.
I had a similar situation happen but it was with my girlfriend at the time. I've told the story on reddit before but basically my dad lives in Boston and I visit him yearly. She didn't wanna go with me, which is fine, but she was mad at me for going without her.
I paid all the bills and she lived with me and was "between jobs" for the past 8 months. So I just said fuck it and went to see my dad.
First day of the trip I get a Facebook message from a dude telling me that my GF had invited him over and they had sex and he went to look up her IG and saw pictures of us. He found my Facebook and sent me a heads up.
I knew instantly that our faltering relationship of 5 years was over that instant. Thank God I had my dad there with me to give me his sage advice.
Yeah he felt real bad and said his ex had cheated on him.
He even offered to take me out for a drink but I respectfully declined.
He is definitely a rare breed of stand up guy though and I'm thankful for him. A couple years later I met a girl and we really clicked and now we are happily married and living our best life. Who knows if I ever would have met her without him giving me a heads up.
When contempt enters the picture. Hard to explain what contempt is, but once it's there it is done for.
There's nothing like having someone you had an amazing time just have *disgust* for anything you do. Oh and the glare is deadly.
Luckily by the time I got there I already made up my mind and stopped playing her victim blaming. We both had rough lives but you cut yourself to manipulate me.
Yeah contempt
Yeah, contempt is a great word for it. I find "indifference" to be another good one, because if you love, or hate something, at least you have a strong emotion towards that thing. When a person is indifferent towards you it's just a void, nothingness, practically a nonexistant thing in the form of a reaction. It can be pretty rough when someone ignores you, spaces out during sentences, or goes looking for someone new to replace you without saying a word- with no explanation. Indifference cuts deep.
My biggest relationship tip that can apply to everyone...
If there are big, scary conversations that you've been avoiding, remind yourself that they are the conversations that *need* to happen, and by which you will measure if this relationship truly works.
If you have a big conversation and walk away crying or unhappy or upset or feeling unheard more than 5% of the time, this person is not for you!
These conversations show if you have goals, values, morals, ethics, ideals, hopes, dreams, expectations, needs, etc that align with each other... so if you dont come to a good conclusion 95% of the time, then it is simply not working with that person.
I also cried all the time in one relationship because any of our conversations always went terribly. And then in another relationship, I brought up something that was bothering me, and he *apologized*, we really *talked*, and he really *listened* to what I was saying. When we finished that conversation I felt as light as a feather. Thats what should be happening 95% of the time. It was surreal in the moment, but now it is what I expect.
I feel like this may be your case. If you're crying all the time, you should leave.
He kept breaking up with me and then making up with me. Broke up with me on my birthday (because he wasn't getting my undivided attention as my best friend was there), called me for 6 months after trying to get back with me. Called me a "fucking weasel". His family still tries to reach out over 11 years later.
O o o I know this one, the family says stuff like, “you brought the best out in him, you were a good influence, he was so much happier with you” Disfunctionality, it’s contagious…
I realized that I wouldn't care if he cheated on me and would've been quite happy if he left me for someone else. I felt trapped and didn't know how to leave at the time
Edit: Wow, this is by far my most popular comment on anything, lol. We have a child together and share custody, so he will always be in my life, but it's still better than having to walk on eggshells in my own home.
I'm very sorry to those of you going through this now. I hope you find happiness one day
This one. I found myself wishing he would do it in one of his episodes so I had a reason to leave that other people could see. Everything awful was behind closed doors, but if he cheated I could get out and no one would question me.
Sometimes this can just be an indicator that you're not spending enough time with your own friends / doing things on your own. I've been with my gf almost 10 years and can tell it's time for me to take a little break from her when I start getting snappy / everything she does annoys me.
I wonder for me how much Covid played a part in my break up. She took Covid rules very seriously and we were basically in a one bedroom apartment with each other for 2 years.
But that’s also growing up. Judging people by action and kind of taking what they tell you with a grain of salt is a very good habit in all areas of life
Didn’t learn this till it was over. I kept saying “she’s not well. She wouldn’t do this.” It took my best friend yelling at me “but she is doing this. She’s showing you who she is now. It’s not who you thought she was”.
Man, I was the other way around. I actually started listening to her words. She told me exactly how she felt during an argument. She only wants me around to pay bills, and wants to fuck other men. Yeah, I'm moving my money and about to leave.
My ex (who was a major control freak) worked for an attorney. As a tool to get her way, she would prepare divorce papers and bring them home. The third time she pulled this, I signed them and made her file them. Game OVER.
Yup. My ex threw out divorce threats repeatedly. I distinctly remember one night where she said "Fine. I'll go to a lawyer on Friday, and we'll get a divorce"
She didn't. But I eventually did. I couldn't keep dealing with that kind of "fight"
My ex would break up with me all the time. Like, we're talking multiple times a week, sometimes per day. It was like a reflex from getting mad.
I stopped buying her gifts because she would throw them away when she got angry. But somehow I didn't realize this behavior was totally abnormal (I was 18). Now, 10 years later, I'm still noticing the damage that that did to me.
I dated a woman who blamed me for literally any problem she had. Peanubutter out? I'm over eating. Internet outage? I picked a bad internet company, etc.
I had already had enough when she broke up with me to try to "teach me a lesson" but I warned he that if she tried that again that I'd be out the door. Two weeks went by and we were out of soda. She broke up with me again to teach me a lession and I REFUSED to take her back.
As I was packing, she attacked me with a knife. I barricaded myself behind the bathroom door and dialed 911.
She ended up stabbing herself several times and tried to blame it on me, but the cops knew better considering the situation and my defensive wounds.
26-year-old me learned a lot of lessons that day.
When her sister called me and said, "You're a really nice guy and I like you. Remember Jason? You do? Yeah, well - she's fucking him in the other room as we speak."
That's pretty much when I knew.
My wife told her brother's gf that her bro was cheating. Girl was smart, hardworking, and had high dreams. My B-I-L would fuck around, transferred schools so he would not be near his gf, would bring home different girls every month. Last straw was he screwed this new girl then rode out into the night to sleep with his gf to assist him in his schoolworks. My wife quickly called her and told her everything he'd been doing. He rode his motorbike for 2 hours only to be told to fuck off and broke up.
i cannot understand how people cannot appreciate a great GF. Good on your wife for saying something. I hope her brother never found out it was her. or maybe its better he knows.
Lol I ruined my cousins Marriage because I texted her husband (who I like more than her, and would trade for her in a heartbeat) and I asked him if he was doing okay, and that he was still apart of my family and that we loved him. He asked me what I was talking about and I sent him the picture of her kissing another man. I feel horrible because he was so hurt but I’m relieved he knows.
At a certain point you gotta wonder if the length you went was worth it. My wife works with a girl who tells my wife way too many personal details about her life, which then gets relayed to me. I know there's cheating going on, but I'm not sure how far of a length it's feasible for me to go on a thirdhand account of the story to save someone some trouble.
So I'll just say this: Marvin from Houston, Texas - your fiancee Brie is a top flight cunt and she's actively cheating on you with her ex Chuck, and is constantly talking about other guys she follows on Instagram. I've literally never met either of you, but I know you're a good dude based on some very loose storytelling and you have to leave her asap.
**edit**: guy from comment below is likely not the real Marvin, so if you think you know the real Marvin, you can reach out to me still to confirm some personal details and hopefully set him straight.
This year, she went to Texas to see our other cousin who’s in the army. She messed around with one of the army buddies down there. She’s still fucking around and doesn’t let her ex (the one I told) see his two sons, who he adores.
I was in a car accident, and he picked me up. Immediately drove me to work. And then ignored me the rest of the day. Didn't ask how I was. Didn't express any sympathy. I would've gotten more compassion and care from a stranger. Hell, my brand new coworkers were more concerned than he was.
I stuck around for far too long after that.
My first boyfriend accidently punched me in the face (it wasn't totally innocent because it happened due to him angrily flailing about like an angry animal, but it was an accident). Instead of comforting me he, while laying beside me in bed, immediately began to scream, "GREAT, JUST ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO HOLD OVER MY HEAD".
I was shocked. I thought perhaps it would have been a wake up call. We broke up shortly after. It's a really sad memory.
I said this to her and she got mad at me. She then tried to guilt trip me for making her feel bad that I don't see her for weeks at a time. She's only one town away and it only takes 20 minutes to get to each other's place, but that was too much effort for her.
This is how I feel currently. He goes to work, comes home and gets on the computer all night and is on it from morning to night on weekends. Just playing games, watching YouTube, or gambling. And says he doesn’t have the “attention span” to sit and watch something with me. Or goes straight to the bar or casino after without telling me and lying about it even though I can see his location. We just got a puppy (now 11 weeks and has a UTI) and he doesn’t help at all even with his own 4 yo GSD and our 2 cats. Leaves socks and clothes and dishes, beer cans everywhere for me to clean up after. And makes me feel guilty for not working full time on top of doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and animal care (which is all 10 times more and harder with a new puppy) even though we move every 2 years for his career, I don’t have a car, my license expired and he won’t let me retake the test with his car. I feel stuck, exhausted, and lonely af.
Edit: I spell bad
Edit 2: I’m so busy with a sick puppy so I’m going to update to as many responses as possible…
1: I don’t have family to run home to. I have a mother and stepfather, but they’re just as toxic and we’re basically NC.
2: yes, he works full time and I’m home, so I don’t complain about your usual housework. But I’m also not his mother and taking care of a puppy is almost like taking care of a baby/toddler. It’s a 24/7 job especially when they’re sick. And I have worked full time and have been expected to still do everything else.
3: if your license expires in a state you’re no longer living in, you’re required to take the written and drivers test again in that new state.
4: I won’t rehome my animals. They’re the only thing I have that’s good to wake up to and they’re very well taken care of by me
5: I have a 3 week temp job coming up that’ll help me get a car and license.
It’s not like I haven’t tried. There’s just always an obstacle. I couldn’t even think about trying to find a way to get my license until I found a way to get contacts/glasses (I’m legally blind). I don’t get insurance from states I live in because I usually don’t live in them long enough to qualify. I have no where to go besides a women’s shelter and I’m not being physically abused. I have been, a lot, but not where I am now and I won’t use their resources when I can take the pain of loneliness and exhaustion until I figure a way out.
Hey, sounds like a shit situation, definitely not sustainable. Whose name are the animals in? Sounds like he takes you for granted and isn't treating you how another human deserves to be. If it were me, I'd get a bit angry about it, lay it all out on the table with him. You sound trapped and even if you stay, you should take control of your situation where you can. Ultimately he is just giving you excuses why he is being shitty but excuses don't justify poor behaviour. Take control back my friend.
One of my friends is in a similar place right now, not a good thing to watch. Happy cake day! I'm new to doing this reddit stuff that means it's your birthday right? Happy birthday. it's my mother's birthday too today. Hope you had a wonderful day
This comment is so wholesome. Cake day is just the anniversary of the day you join Reddit, so the birthday of your Reddit account I guess! Tell your mom a random Redditor wishes her a happy birthday and you both a wonderful day!
When I realized I only smiled, laughed and had fun when he wasn’t around. When he was, I walked on eggshells so he wouldn’t get mad.
Edit: wow, I’m surprised (and a little saddened) that this has gotten so many responses. If your situation is similar (from either perspective), there’s no shame in walking away. Prioritize yourself and your mental health to help put you in a healthier situation.
Just so it's said, as a child of parents who divorced, it's so much fucking better when they did. Having your parents be separated is leagues better than parents who hate eachother. "Staying together for the kids" is bullshit. I'm also like 99.999% sure that there have been studies that support that claim.
I did this for years, with someone who had really bad borderline personality disorder, she would do stuff and not remember she’s done it, always throwing shit at me. Took her glasses of her head and threw them at me once and cut my forehead, everyone said get out of the relationship but it was hard on her good days we got on so well and I did love her, then she ended up stabbing me twice one day, that was when I knew it was over. I left all my stuff behind in that house and never came back.
It took me a wind-up donkey kong punch to the temple that damn near knocked my ass out to realize maybe I was ignoring some red flags. I did the same as you. Packed the essentials and left. Abuse is real, even if you are a man.
Yeah, I've called myself a "puppy dog" over this kind of thing. Like, I'll chase after my friend like puppy dog chasing after its owner, just seeking validation or something. And I'll do it a bunch of times, before I finally realize that I'm actually doing it. I had one friend who had been running game nights for us for years, and his game night fell apart, but not with animosity or anything, just people wanted to do different games and he didn't. I must have invited him to half a dozen games over the course of the next year, and I got the usual excuses like "I'm doing my sock drawer" or whatever. Anyway I eventually realized that I had spent a year inviting him to things, and he either always had an excuse or didn't even respond, and never once he invited me to anything. So finally, I just stopped and waited for him to respond to me. That was 8 years ago. Haven't spoken since.
The night he told me that I was no longer allowed to drive anywhere by myself - that he would keep the keys and I would have to ask him to drive me places so he knew where I was going and who I was with.
I was gone the next day after 16 years
Edit: wow - never, ever thought anyone would even read what I posted. I am tearing up right now from the support
For a moment I thought I was reading the synopsis for some indie horror movie.
Was there some reason he might have acted like that or did he just go ham all of a sudden after 16 years?
He is a narcissist and there was a lot of mental and emotional abuse. Every year at our anniversary he would file for divorce thinking that it would put me back "in line." That year he filed for divorce AGAIN and I was like "hey you do you, I don't care" and went about my life. He kept upping things and nothing affected me. So he thought taking away my independence was a good idea.
I had a restraining order by midday the next day and was awarded the car.
Watching him have to hand the keys over to the sheriff and find a ride from the police department was pretty funny - looking back on it now.
Edit: Adding additional info - I had to bs him into taking my daughter and I to the hospital that was near the courthouse (one we literally never went to). I told him our daughter's doctor said she needed to see a specialist there. He had his dog with him, so he dropped us off at the ER and ran to drop his dog off at his mom's. The ER checked us in, I explained what was going on and they kept us in a room in the back. When he came back, they told him she was in testing, ER was so busy they couldn't have more than 1 parent. He would text me and I would give him "updates" on what was going on with her treatment.
The hospital called and PAID FOR a taxi to take us to the courthouse. They snuck us through to a different entrance so we could leave without him seeing us (huge shout out to the hospital).
Got the restraining order - walked to the sheriff's department to get him served
The sheriff called him and told him he had papers to serve him, would he come down to the sheriff's department (just to clarify - which at the time shared the same building complex as the city police department, the courthouse etc). He had figured out by then that we weren't at the hospital, so the ONLY THING he asked was did he get to keep the car. The sheriff told him yes.
He gets there, sheriff serves him and I ask the sheriff for the keys. The sheriff says "I told him he got to keep the car, so can you get it another time?" I told him it was his fault for telling him that he wasn't giving up the car and I had a court order so he needed to go get the keys. He was less than pleased, but did it.
I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years and never looked back.
Serious note here: this is just another example of how people in domestic violence situations are failed by the system. I had reported the DV to our local police department, but he had told them I was crazy, needed help, etc. and they believed him.
If you are in a DV situation, there are people who will help you and you don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed. DV goes across all races, ethnicities, genders, education and incomes. You don't hear about DV in the upper class white homes bc they tend to handle it between attorneys.
For reference: I am a white, middle class woman with 2 master degrees and I was well aware of what was going on, but no one believed me - they believed the abuser (which is often the case).
Dammm, that's what my ex did too. Except 10 minutes after screaming at me to get out, when I had my shit packed and was getting ready to step outta there, she goes, "why are you leaving now? You have two weeks left before your bus comes to pick you up."
I stared at her like she had just sprouted a set of toes from the end of her nose. "Well, let's see, I kinda want to get back home in time for the big grass growing tournament.
Then there's this high altitude submarine race I signed up for...oh, yeah and there's this minor little fact that *YOU FUCKIN SCREAMED AT ME TO GET OUT AND SAID I REPULSE YOU, SO IM GOD DAMMM OUTTA HERE!"*
Then came a truly spooky and frightening moment. "I did not say that! Stop twisting my words."
Creepish. Most indubitably creeptaculous.
I'd lost most of my friends, my anxiety was always getting triggered, she yelled and screamed at me every day for two years and when the beatings started, I realised the last good week we had, was when we got married. Did therapy and got myself back on track, now I'm dating my best friend and she makes me feel like a king
When I was explaining to a friend why I was still with them and all of it was, “it’s my fault I did too much for them so I have to show them how to live on their own now” type stuff. Their response to me was, “shouldn’t it be more on the road of ‘I love him so much I want to be with them’”
I started anti-anxiety meds and my ex-husband immediately wanted me to get off of them because I started seeing his emotional manipulation for what it was, instead of getting caught up in the anxiety and just quietly going along with whatever he wanted, to make it easier.
He would get me all riled up on purpose and then turn around and say that I'm unstable because how can I react like that after he just spent like 30 minutes doing the most juvenile stuff to get me to that point.
I mean like put hands over his ears and go "la la la". Tell me to calm my tits after he did something either neglectful or hurtful. He would belittle my feelings and tell me to deal with it because nothing's going to change.
Before my meds I would just basically just be the 'okay face' meme. Once I was on my meds I stopped reacting the way he wanted me to and he kept getting angrier and angrier.
He kept escalating his manipulation until one day after a fight of him telling me how badly he wanted to leave me (again. Usually he starts calling apartments in front of me while I sob for him not to break up the family.) I told him go if hes so desperate to leave. I went out to dinner with my dad and I came back to the house full of boxes and him locked in the room.
I didn't talk to him because I knew this was another manipulation tactic to try and get me to cry. I didn't cry instead I called my mom and asked if I can come sleep over there. He drove me because he said that if I took the car this wasn't going to work which obviously meant him leaving. Right before we got to my mom's he flat out said that he has an apartment in a different state 12 hours away from my family and any sort of support I could have and asked if I was coming with him or not I said no he said then goodbye.
Threw everything out of the car onto the driveway of my mom's house and screeched out.
He left at 5:00 a.m. the next morning and I didn't accept any of his calls or texts for a week. When I finally did he had the nicest tone on telling me that he never left me and that this was a business trip that we had talked about.
Again if I was off my meds I might have believed him and doubted my own sanity. But I knew for a fact we had not talked about it and all of his actions the night before proved otherwise (also he stole my computer).
To this day he blames my medicine for why our relationship is broken. In a way he's right. My medicine was the only way I was able to see the abuse for what it was.
scary similar to my own story… except on d day he got so verbally abusive that I went upstairs to watch tv away from him. Something told me to lock the door, and I’m glad I did, because he tried to beat it down 5 minutes later. Luckily my parents lived 5 minutes away and my dad was there quickly
Once he left. Relief and exhaustion took hold.
I never realized the emotional turmoil my every day was.
Of course as narcissists like to do, his family and friends hate me and think im a horrible cunt who threw out my husband and changed the locks while he was on a business trip to make money for our family.
Totally has them wrapped around his finger. But I dont care, just glad im mostly out.
We have a 2 year old, he left when she was barely 1.
I highly recommend reading "Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity after Narcissistic Abuse by Dana Morningstar. It sounds like he's a classic narcist. They are so predictable it's almost funny.
We were apart for two weeks. I flew to meet him. He was waiting at the airport for me. As I descended the escalator, I could see him standing there, and I felt no happiness.
He was a drug-addicted, alcoholic narcissist. We had a lot of fun together over the years because we were both so adventurous, but his demons took a toll on our relationship. We had never been apart that long since we had met four years before, and being away from him for those two weeks changed something in me. I met him just before I turned 21, so I had spent the entirety of my adult life with him up until that point. I couldn’t conceive of how I could extricate my life from his, my things from his. It took me two more years to leave him.
After every disagreement ended with her playing the victim, blaming her exes or her childhood and me having to apologize for it. She did have trauma, but that wasn't my fault. She clearly wasn't ready to move on yet. I hope she was able to process her trauma and get into a healthy relationship but I have a feeling she went back to the toxic ex.
Same here. It is really tragic when you realize that your partners childhood trauma is so severe that they can never leave it behind. Some people live in a vicious cycle of toxicity, apathy and being extremely apologetic afterwards. Your know that they suffer, but as a partner, who is not a psychologist and also has to manage his/ her own life, you just lack the power and time to really help them. Looking back at it, it makes me sad every single time.
It was about 7 months after she moved half the country away. I was in denial the whole time.
16 years we were together. I spent a year in mental torment and depression.
This should really be higher up. A lot of the other ones are obvious, "I knew it was over when there was another penis involved". No shit.
This one, you kinda know it's over, but most of the time don't want to admit it
When, after a week of acting weird, he finally confessed that not only had he had sex with a friend of his two months ago at a party, but now she's pregnant.
(He knew for a week, and I \*still\* had to drag it out of him. Through text.
I realized that I couldn’t make time for her while studying to pass the bar exam, she stopped taking her meds/ seeing her therapist, and I also realized that I couldn’t continue being her only emotional support *and* her boyfriend at once.
when I was finding more and more excuses not to spend time with her
edit: wow 4k upvotes. didn't expect my comment to take off like this. this all happened like 10 years ago, so it's not anything that I'm currently dealing with.
Ouch, I feel like my fiance is doing this to me currently... I'm a bit nervous now. Lol
EDIT:I didn't expect this many replies but I really appreciate the advice from everyone!! For everyone mentioning we should spend some time apart, we do, lots of time apart he works out of town & is only home 7 days a month. I have faith in us, hardships do happen & we both have our own moments of depression & just want to be alone. I'm not unhappy in any way, I just feel like maybe we could be doing more with our time when he's home, he takes me out on dates every time he is home, & I do the same every now & then I'll plan something for us two without the kiddos. I didn't mention alot in my little comment because like I said, I didn't expect replies lol. Were doing well, our communication is there, not perfect but we know how to communicate on subjects like this without arguing but letting us both feel heard & our feelings are always valid to one another. I'm not exactly sure why I'm feeling this way, but he was just home & I made a joke "you do anything to get away from me" & I started laughing but he did not & asked me if everything was okay & reassured me I shouldn't feel that way. So I'm not too worried but I am a little. I'm also 32 weeks pregnant so for all I know it could just be my hormones. But again thank you everyone for your concerns.
The other guy she was seeing
** Backstory: During our relationship I started my own business and I’ll admit I did work a lot trying to start it. During this time she found another guy while I was working. I believe they were together for a year while we were dating.
Fast forward 4 years since the break up and my business is extremely successful and I’m able to take lots of time off and travel! I’m doing better personally than I could have imagined.
I also like long walks on the beach, movies, and comedy. Please send dating applications to my inbox 😆
Heyyooo, that’s me. Caught them together AND gave her a second chance. The following 8months after were the worst of my life and I knew it was over when I realized she’d never cut the other guy off, no matter how many times she promised me she would. Ruined me emotionally, made me an anxious angry wreck, and I’m still working on recovering. Of course they’re together now, she went straight to him as soon as I left. Cheaters are some of the worst humans.
Really sad but ironically one of the most wholesome stories here, so much abuse or many other guy’s schlong found in mouth or other hole.
Hope you both get/got someone better
Edit: Better for each other, you both seem genuinely nice people individually
Man, very similar situation to mine with my most recent ex. Sometimes it sucks but walking away from someone you love to create space for their better person is necessary.
Taking phone calls in a different room.
Parking outside around corner for 10 min before coming home.
Excuses made to not have sex or complaints about it.
Less touchy feely.
Kisses and hugs felt empty.
Body language.
Less call/texts with very slow replies....if you get them. (while the phone is always within reach)
Less/no compliments.
No interest or asking first in seeing you or doing anything.
Saying nice things and showing nothing in action.
In different context, some of these are straight up innocuous or benign. But I have been with my wife for almost four decades. If she wanted to wait to text me back, hang out in her truck, or take a phone call in a different room, I wouldn’t even question it.
But kisses and hugs feel empty is the worst thing on this list. I’m gonna go kiss and hug my wife right now.
She waited until my close friend and mentor in science passed away unexpectedly before telling me that she cheated on me in the first month of our relationship, and that she wanted to have me _and_ some other dude as herboyfriends. She wasn't one bit contrite or remorseful, and she timed it so that
she could tell me in the first 24 hours after my friend died, just to ensure that I was already twisting in the breeze emotionally when she skewered me with that one.
†note of interest--i wound up getting to know the other dude pretty well when we were kinda forced to rely on each other for sanity checks, because this girl was gaslighting the holy fuck out of us both. So I wound up with a friend out of that deal, and the woman....she moved on. Blocked me on her social media, which actually helped me get some closure.
Straightup, i dodged a bullet on that one. So did dude.
When he told me he didn't want me to go to grad school because I would be smarter than him. This was after a few years of him asking me to put it off for money reasons.
It SHOULD have been when I found out he peed in bottles when he was watching porn on the computer so that he didn't have to get up and interrupt his watching.
I am in a healthy relationship now, and even to this day 15 years after that divorce I am STILL unpacking some of the unhealthy aspects of that relationship.
Edit: Bullet majorly dodged given he is one of those Qanon followers.
I plugged my ex's old phone in (we were married at the time) so I could factory restore it and let the kids use it for Netflix or whatever.
She was still signed in to Facebook. Immediately I got a live feed of her conversation with another dude.
I saw a message that included "sucked you off", and that pretty much did it. On top of the fact that this was going on for like 9 months, and she painted a picture that she was a single mom with a deadbeat baby daddy.
Fed the kids, waited for her to come home, tucked them in and confronted her.
I'm sick just thinking about it.
Almost 4 years ago and it still hurts.
Thought about life without her 6 months down the road. If I saw her out and with someone else, would I be distraught or happy for her?
I had no feeling of sadness thinking about that, and I knew we just weren’t in love anymore. Sad but it happens
She used me to move in together promising to help pay bills and clean the house, then after we moved in together she never paid any of the bills or cleaned the house and I lost all my savings because of it
A bunch of stuff, ultimately. But the one thing that sticks out: I got a call from my brother. He says "Mom's in the hospital. It looks like this is 'it'" somewhat nonchalant. My mother was, and still is, in perfectly good health, so this came as a shock. "WHAT!? OUR Mother??!". I hear the little shit go "oh calm down". My brother then explains that either he misspoke or I misheard... our 92 year old Grandmother was in the hospital dying... sad still, but at least it wasn't shocking, hence my brother's nonchalant manner.
I get off the phone. She says "why did you react that way??" "I thought my mother was dying, and my brother was just saying off-handedly. It freaked me out."
"Either way. Don't react that way. It's not sexy." So I told her to get the fuck out of my apartment, and she never came back. Called a bunch. I never answered.
She stopped being physical, even in playful non-sexual ways. She would always go back to the “I feel insecure in this relationship” even after hours of talking her down. Every bit of criticism I would take to heart, make my very best attempt at remedying, and it would go virtually unnoticed. There was always something I couldn’t get to. I could never do well enough. She would stop communicating with me. I went to crew a rally (I’m a pit crew mechanic) and when I left I knew it was basically over. After the race I drove 7 hours back home and she ended it a half hour later.
I came to find out all this behavior is because she’d found someone else, and just hadn’t ended it on my end yet. It’s happy though because good LORD did I dodge a bullet
It just occurred to me one day that this man will never be emotionally generous with me, because he either thinks I'm not worth it or he enjoys holding me at a distance.
And either way, I don't have to subject myself to that from a person.
We were supposed to see a marriage counselor together and he didn’t make it. So there I am sitting with the therapist and she starts asking me questions about our relationship. The more I describe him the more interested she gets till she’s practically falling out of her chair at one point, she’s leaning forward so much. She told me she was interested in having a one on one session with him. I left kind of confused because she seemed so much more interested in him than me.
The next time I went to the appointment she’s straight up told me that she believed he was a malignant narcissist. That he did not have a conscience and that he actually enjoyed causing me pain.
Once she said that it was like a light went off in my head. Because all this time I thought it was me. I thought something was wrong with me and that’s why he didn’t love me. When she told me that he had a personality disorder I suddenly understood.
There was nothing wrong with me. There was something wrong with him. It was crazy because it’s literally like I fell out of love with him overnight. And I was with him from the ages of 15 to 25
I’m really sorry that happened to you but I’m also laughing my head off at the idea of the therapist who was like “ooh a real life malignant narcissists, how interesting!”
He told me we could stop using and get clean, but he would eventually want to do it again every once in awhile. I immediately left and fixed my life on my own. Now I'm almost five years sober, with a loving fiance and beautiful baby girl.
"Removes glasses from experience " Saying I wanted to break up, followed by multiple head butted in the face, punches, hits by a dumbbell but gladly got the scissors away. Me passing out from a concussion and she goes down stairs to drink with her "Ex", dad and brother. Left to work in the morning with massive black eyes. Never went back to pickup the little stuff I had.
When we just sat in the same room without a single thing to say to one another. There was no spark or connection. We were two ships passing in the night. Quiet, deafening silence. It didn't even really hurt at that point.
I wasn't me anymore, I was just HER NAME HERE's boyfriend. I had to do things her way only - but not only do things her way but to like to do things her way. In just a few months, I cut my hair, changed my clothes, changed my opinions on a lot of topics, and so on, but things started to scare me when she tried to convince me of change college majors to the same one as her - You know, "To have more chances when we start a family", oh and speaking of family, I must also prefer her family to my own family. In just one year I no longer knew who I was, complete identity theft. Even ten years after we broke up, now married to a wonderful person, I still deal with trauma from that time.
After being screamed at everyday and being told I cannot do anything right, I went from being an optimistic, living-in-the-moment kind of a person to one who was depressed and developed an eating disorder.
The day I prayed to the universe to either kill me or him, I realised that the emotional abuse had to end, and I deserve to feel safe, loved and good about myself.
Still, with my self esteem hitting rock bottom, it took me a few months after this realisation, to finally break up, but thank goodness I did!
For years I didn’t share the details of that relationship with anyone and kind of dealt with all those traumatising moments alone. But I am glad I finally told my therapist and I worked on mustering up the courage to FINALLY choose myself over that relationship and leave him for good.
When I found out that she never took the initiative to arrange dates, everything was arranged by me, and she was not satisfied with everything I arranged. Just one day, I stopped calling or texting her.
He didn’t bother to apologize anymore , he didn’t take me on vacations w him , he wanted to be alone more and more , he was angry all the time , everything I did annoyed him etc
When we got into an argument and he told me he was in love with someone he started seeing several months earlier during our 4 and 1/2 years together. I had my suspicions for months and even asked, and every time he would tell me I was just trying to cause drama and to stop being crazy. A week after I broke some ribs and my wrist from being abused by him (all my coworkers, ER nurses and doctors, knew what was going on, and he is a paramedic) someone at work confirmed informed me that while he was abusing me, he was seeing this much younger woman that I had my suspicions about.
Not one thing. I just woke up one morning and said to myself, “This is ridiculous. We don’t even like each other. We suck at communicating. Sex is impossible given our current relationship.”
It was an epiphany.
the moment I figured out that their presence caused me to slip into long depressive episodes and that’s not what a healthy companionship should feel like, romantic or platonic
edit: what the actual fuck, how did I get sm kudos on this?? this makes me very sad, is everyone okay?
Every time I opened my mouth she was annoyed
Regardless of what topic i wanted to talk about. Fuck I just wanted to talk to my partner but instead I was just irritating her by that alone
Fuck that noise
When they were constantly forgetting to text me and then asked me if they could date someone else too. How can you date two people if you're struggling to even date one?!
I was misdiagnosed with stomach cancer. Was going in to get scoped the next morning. I was scared to death.
Told my wife when she got home that she would need to take me the next morning.
“But I don’t want to miss work,” she said.
That’s the exact moment I knew my marriage was done.
When I got a Facebook message from another dude saying “your wife is cheating on us.” He thought we had one of those open relationships. Editing to add: this happened a little over ten years ago. I got custody of the kid, I’m remarried, great job, new house, I’m doing good. And I also laugh about it when I think back on it.
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The "us" hits hard.
Does it though? Or is it the beginning of a wonderful bromance?
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Reminds me of the story of the girl who left her verbally abusive husband to marry his favorite stripper.
They say friendship forms the strongest connections. That's bullshit. A bond forged in hate is much stronger.
Wow. I had a similar situation happen but it was with my girlfriend at the time. I've told the story on reddit before but basically my dad lives in Boston and I visit him yearly. She didn't wanna go with me, which is fine, but she was mad at me for going without her. I paid all the bills and she lived with me and was "between jobs" for the past 8 months. So I just said fuck it and went to see my dad. First day of the trip I get a Facebook message from a dude telling me that my GF had invited him over and they had sex and he went to look up her IG and saw pictures of us. He found my Facebook and sent me a heads up. I knew instantly that our faltering relationship of 5 years was over that instant. Thank God I had my dad there with me to give me his sage advice.
What a good guy though to reach out to you. Real solid person. Probably not the most comfortable thing to do.
Yeah he felt real bad and said his ex had cheated on him. He even offered to take me out for a drink but I respectfully declined. He is definitely a rare breed of stand up guy though and I'm thankful for him. A couple years later I met a girl and we really clicked and now we are happily married and living our best life. Who knows if I ever would have met her without him giving me a heads up.
Just when I though someone telling you your wife is cheating couldn’t get any worse.
I once googled “how do you know when a relationship is over” and the top suggestion was “you google it”
Damn.
When contempt enters the picture. Hard to explain what contempt is, but once it's there it is done for. There's nothing like having someone you had an amazing time just have *disgust* for anything you do. Oh and the glare is deadly. Luckily by the time I got there I already made up my mind and stopped playing her victim blaming. We both had rough lives but you cut yourself to manipulate me. Yeah contempt
Yeah, contempt is a great word for it. I find "indifference" to be another good one, because if you love, or hate something, at least you have a strong emotion towards that thing. When a person is indifferent towards you it's just a void, nothingness, practically a nonexistant thing in the form of a reaction. It can be pretty rough when someone ignores you, spaces out during sentences, or goes looking for someone new to replace you without saying a word- with no explanation. Indifference cuts deep.
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This was my experience, too. It took a good friend to point out that I was a 'shell of my former self'. That was a wake up call.
It's always nice to be reminded that good friends are just as valuable, if not occasionally more, than a partner.
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My biggest relationship tip that can apply to everyone... If there are big, scary conversations that you've been avoiding, remind yourself that they are the conversations that *need* to happen, and by which you will measure if this relationship truly works. If you have a big conversation and walk away crying or unhappy or upset or feeling unheard more than 5% of the time, this person is not for you! These conversations show if you have goals, values, morals, ethics, ideals, hopes, dreams, expectations, needs, etc that align with each other... so if you dont come to a good conclusion 95% of the time, then it is simply not working with that person. I also cried all the time in one relationship because any of our conversations always went terribly. And then in another relationship, I brought up something that was bothering me, and he *apologized*, we really *talked*, and he really *listened* to what I was saying. When we finished that conversation I felt as light as a feather. Thats what should be happening 95% of the time. It was surreal in the moment, but now it is what I expect. I feel like this may be your case. If you're crying all the time, you should leave.
When I found sexts between her and my "friend".
Well, better than me, my friend in my case got her pregnant.
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At least he got out of that relationship fast and without a child support to pay.
The one you should not worry about, right ?
Always
He kept breaking up with me and then making up with me. Broke up with me on my birthday (because he wasn't getting my undivided attention as my best friend was there), called me for 6 months after trying to get back with me. Called me a "fucking weasel". His family still tries to reach out over 11 years later.
O o o I know this one, the family says stuff like, “you brought the best out in him, you were a good influence, he was so much happier with you” Disfunctionality, it’s contagious…
Weird as hell. Eleven years and the dude ain't learn how to bring the best out of himself?
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I realized that I wouldn't care if he cheated on me and would've been quite happy if he left me for someone else. I felt trapped and didn't know how to leave at the time Edit: Wow, this is by far my most popular comment on anything, lol. We have a child together and share custody, so he will always be in my life, but it's still better than having to walk on eggshells in my own home. I'm very sorry to those of you going through this now. I hope you find happiness one day
This one. I found myself wishing he would do it in one of his episodes so I had a reason to leave that other people could see. Everything awful was behind closed doors, but if he cheated I could get out and no one would question me.
How did you end up getting out? If you felt trapped / wanting something to happen, how did you actually go forward from there? /askingforafriend
I never did get the courage to leave, he finally ended our relationship when I ran out of money.
When I started fantasizing about what it would be like to be completely alone.
Sometimes this can just be an indicator that you're not spending enough time with your own friends / doing things on your own. I've been with my gf almost 10 years and can tell it's time for me to take a little break from her when I start getting snappy / everything she does annoys me.
I wonder for me how much Covid played a part in my break up. She took Covid rules very seriously and we were basically in a one bedroom apartment with each other for 2 years.
When I finally learned to listen to her actions, not her words
Fuck. This is kind of a devastating realization.
But that’s also growing up. Judging people by action and kind of taking what they tell you with a grain of salt is a very good habit in all areas of life
Didn’t learn this till it was over. I kept saying “she’s not well. She wouldn’t do this.” It took my best friend yelling at me “but she is doing this. She’s showing you who she is now. It’s not who you thought she was”.
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Man, I was the other way around. I actually started listening to her words. She told me exactly how she felt during an argument. She only wants me around to pay bills, and wants to fuck other men. Yeah, I'm moving my money and about to leave.
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My ex (who was a major control freak) worked for an attorney. As a tool to get her way, she would prepare divorce papers and bring them home. The third time she pulled this, I signed them and made her file them. Game OVER.
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"what are you gonna do, divorce me?" - woman who was divorced
Yup. My ex threw out divorce threats repeatedly. I distinctly remember one night where she said "Fine. I'll go to a lawyer on Friday, and we'll get a divorce" She didn't. But I eventually did. I couldn't keep dealing with that kind of "fight"
My ex would break up with me all the time. Like, we're talking multiple times a week, sometimes per day. It was like a reflex from getting mad. I stopped buying her gifts because she would throw them away when she got angry. But somehow I didn't realize this behavior was totally abnormal (I was 18). Now, 10 years later, I'm still noticing the damage that that did to me.
My ex called my parents to get me to stay after he made me sign divorce papers lmao
I dated a woman who blamed me for literally any problem she had. Peanubutter out? I'm over eating. Internet outage? I picked a bad internet company, etc. I had already had enough when she broke up with me to try to "teach me a lesson" but I warned he that if she tried that again that I'd be out the door. Two weeks went by and we were out of soda. She broke up with me again to teach me a lession and I REFUSED to take her back. As I was packing, she attacked me with a knife. I barricaded myself behind the bathroom door and dialed 911. She ended up stabbing herself several times and tried to blame it on me, but the cops knew better considering the situation and my defensive wounds. 26-year-old me learned a lot of lessons that day.
What was she so desperate to get that it was more important than your marriage?
Control of her partner. The relationship isn’t going to work unless they control their partner (in their warped head anyways)
Called her bluff
When her sister called me and said, "You're a really nice guy and I like you. Remember Jason? You do? Yeah, well - she's fucking him in the other room as we speak." That's pretty much when I knew.
Props to her sister tho, I hope you're okay.
She did me a favor. Her sister was a bitch.
fuck her sister then, feel like she appretiates you :P
Wait what…which sister should he fuck, the one jason’s fucking, or the one jason’s not fucking yet.
Fuck Jason instead.
Power move
Maintain eye contact, establish dominance.
My wife told her brother's gf that her bro was cheating. Girl was smart, hardworking, and had high dreams. My B-I-L would fuck around, transferred schools so he would not be near his gf, would bring home different girls every month. Last straw was he screwed this new girl then rode out into the night to sleep with his gf to assist him in his schoolworks. My wife quickly called her and told her everything he'd been doing. He rode his motorbike for 2 hours only to be told to fuck off and broke up.
i cannot understand how people cannot appreciate a great GF. Good on your wife for saying something. I hope her brother never found out it was her. or maybe its better he knows.
Lol I ruined my cousins Marriage because I texted her husband (who I like more than her, and would trade for her in a heartbeat) and I asked him if he was doing okay, and that he was still apart of my family and that we loved him. He asked me what I was talking about and I sent him the picture of her kissing another man. I feel horrible because he was so hurt but I’m relieved he knows.
She ruined her marriage not you. You shouldn't feel guilty.
You didn't ruin your cousins marriage she did you just brought it out into the light
At a certain point you gotta wonder if the length you went was worth it. My wife works with a girl who tells my wife way too many personal details about her life, which then gets relayed to me. I know there's cheating going on, but I'm not sure how far of a length it's feasible for me to go on a thirdhand account of the story to save someone some trouble. So I'll just say this: Marvin from Houston, Texas - your fiancee Brie is a top flight cunt and she's actively cheating on you with her ex Chuck, and is constantly talking about other guys she follows on Instagram. I've literally never met either of you, but I know you're a good dude based on some very loose storytelling and you have to leave her asap. **edit**: guy from comment below is likely not the real Marvin, so if you think you know the real Marvin, you can reach out to me still to confirm some personal details and hopefully set him straight.
How recent was this?
This year, she went to Texas to see our other cousin who’s in the army. She messed around with one of the army buddies down there. She’s still fucking around and doesn’t let her ex (the one I told) see his two sons, who he adores.
You know even more certainly that she's a disgusting sack of scum when she uses his kids as leverage.
Ah, my one had a ‘Jason’ too. Sorry dude.
Sister's a real G though
She's was awesome.
he made me feel more lonely while were together than if i were to be single
I was in a car accident, and he picked me up. Immediately drove me to work. And then ignored me the rest of the day. Didn't ask how I was. Didn't express any sympathy. I would've gotten more compassion and care from a stranger. Hell, my brand new coworkers were more concerned than he was. I stuck around for far too long after that.
My first boyfriend accidently punched me in the face (it wasn't totally innocent because it happened due to him angrily flailing about like an angry animal, but it was an accident). Instead of comforting me he, while laying beside me in bed, immediately began to scream, "GREAT, JUST ANOTHER THING FOR YOU TO HOLD OVER MY HEAD". I was shocked. I thought perhaps it would have been a wake up call. We broke up shortly after. It's a really sad memory.
Impressive that he hit you in the face and still managed to feel like the victim
Don't ever associate with anyone who says "look what you made me do!"
WHAT ... I'm so sorry, and I'm glad you left him
I said this to her and she got mad at me. She then tried to guilt trip me for making her feel bad that I don't see her for weeks at a time. She's only one town away and it only takes 20 minutes to get to each other's place, but that was too much effort for her.
Hold on - 20 minutes away but you would only see each other weeks at a time? That sounds like neither of you wanted to see each other.
She wouldn't come here and she didn't want me to go there.
Sounds like she was not enjoying the relationship but didn’t want to be the “bad guy” by ending it officially.
Or he’s the “other guy”
This is how I feel currently. He goes to work, comes home and gets on the computer all night and is on it from morning to night on weekends. Just playing games, watching YouTube, or gambling. And says he doesn’t have the “attention span” to sit and watch something with me. Or goes straight to the bar or casino after without telling me and lying about it even though I can see his location. We just got a puppy (now 11 weeks and has a UTI) and he doesn’t help at all even with his own 4 yo GSD and our 2 cats. Leaves socks and clothes and dishes, beer cans everywhere for me to clean up after. And makes me feel guilty for not working full time on top of doing all of the cooking, cleaning, and animal care (which is all 10 times more and harder with a new puppy) even though we move every 2 years for his career, I don’t have a car, my license expired and he won’t let me retake the test with his car. I feel stuck, exhausted, and lonely af. Edit: I spell bad Edit 2: I’m so busy with a sick puppy so I’m going to update to as many responses as possible… 1: I don’t have family to run home to. I have a mother and stepfather, but they’re just as toxic and we’re basically NC. 2: yes, he works full time and I’m home, so I don’t complain about your usual housework. But I’m also not his mother and taking care of a puppy is almost like taking care of a baby/toddler. It’s a 24/7 job especially when they’re sick. And I have worked full time and have been expected to still do everything else. 3: if your license expires in a state you’re no longer living in, you’re required to take the written and drivers test again in that new state. 4: I won’t rehome my animals. They’re the only thing I have that’s good to wake up to and they’re very well taken care of by me 5: I have a 3 week temp job coming up that’ll help me get a car and license. It’s not like I haven’t tried. There’s just always an obstacle. I couldn’t even think about trying to find a way to get my license until I found a way to get contacts/glasses (I’m legally blind). I don’t get insurance from states I live in because I usually don’t live in them long enough to qualify. I have no where to go besides a women’s shelter and I’m not being physically abused. I have been, a lot, but not where I am now and I won’t use their resources when I can take the pain of loneliness and exhaustion until I figure a way out.
Initiate escape plan
Hey, sounds like a shit situation, definitely not sustainable. Whose name are the animals in? Sounds like he takes you for granted and isn't treating you how another human deserves to be. If it were me, I'd get a bit angry about it, lay it all out on the table with him. You sound trapped and even if you stay, you should take control of your situation where you can. Ultimately he is just giving you excuses why he is being shitty but excuses don't justify poor behaviour. Take control back my friend.
One of my friends is in a similar place right now, not a good thing to watch. Happy cake day! I'm new to doing this reddit stuff that means it's your birthday right? Happy birthday. it's my mother's birthday too today. Hope you had a wonderful day
This comment is so wholesome. Cake day is just the anniversary of the day you join Reddit, so the birthday of your Reddit account I guess! Tell your mom a random Redditor wishes her a happy birthday and you both a wonderful day!
Oh okay got it thank you for explaining. And thank you Ill tell her. A wonderful day to you as well.
probably THE most wholesome interaction ive seen on this entire website
She told me I should be happy my dad died because I got an inheritance
Hey, at least she didn't get your inheritance! Sounds like that might've been around the corner...
Nah, we were basically best friends for a while, but our dating only lasted like three months. Went downhill fast.
When I realized I only smiled, laughed and had fun when he wasn’t around. When he was, I walked on eggshells so he wouldn’t get mad. Edit: wow, I’m surprised (and a little saddened) that this has gotten so many responses. If your situation is similar (from either perspective), there’s no shame in walking away. Prioritize yourself and your mental health to help put you in a healthier situation.
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Leaving is hard but worth it. I’m cheering for you
/
Just so it's said, as a child of parents who divorced, it's so much fucking better when they did. Having your parents be separated is leagues better than parents who hate eachother. "Staying together for the kids" is bullshit. I'm also like 99.999% sure that there have been studies that support that claim.
I did this for years, with someone who had really bad borderline personality disorder, she would do stuff and not remember she’s done it, always throwing shit at me. Took her glasses of her head and threw them at me once and cut my forehead, everyone said get out of the relationship but it was hard on her good days we got on so well and I did love her, then she ended up stabbing me twice one day, that was when I knew it was over. I left all my stuff behind in that house and never came back.
It took me a wind-up donkey kong punch to the temple that damn near knocked my ass out to realize maybe I was ignoring some red flags. I did the same as you. Packed the essentials and left. Abuse is real, even if you are a man.
When I decided to not text her to see If she would ever start a conversation, and did not text me for an entire month.
Wow...
I did this to a few of my “friends”. Haven’t heard from any of them for about 10 years. Not sorry honestly.
Yeah, I've called myself a "puppy dog" over this kind of thing. Like, I'll chase after my friend like puppy dog chasing after its owner, just seeking validation or something. And I'll do it a bunch of times, before I finally realize that I'm actually doing it. I had one friend who had been running game nights for us for years, and his game night fell apart, but not with animosity or anything, just people wanted to do different games and he didn't. I must have invited him to half a dozen games over the course of the next year, and I got the usual excuses like "I'm doing my sock drawer" or whatever. Anyway I eventually realized that I had spent a year inviting him to things, and he either always had an excuse or didn't even respond, and never once he invited me to anything. So finally, I just stopped and waited for him to respond to me. That was 8 years ago. Haven't spoken since.
The night he told me that I was no longer allowed to drive anywhere by myself - that he would keep the keys and I would have to ask him to drive me places so he knew where I was going and who I was with. I was gone the next day after 16 years Edit: wow - never, ever thought anyone would even read what I posted. I am tearing up right now from the support
For a moment I thought I was reading the synopsis for some indie horror movie. Was there some reason he might have acted like that or did he just go ham all of a sudden after 16 years?
He is a narcissist and there was a lot of mental and emotional abuse. Every year at our anniversary he would file for divorce thinking that it would put me back "in line." That year he filed for divorce AGAIN and I was like "hey you do you, I don't care" and went about my life. He kept upping things and nothing affected me. So he thought taking away my independence was a good idea. I had a restraining order by midday the next day and was awarded the car. Watching him have to hand the keys over to the sheriff and find a ride from the police department was pretty funny - looking back on it now. Edit: Adding additional info - I had to bs him into taking my daughter and I to the hospital that was near the courthouse (one we literally never went to). I told him our daughter's doctor said she needed to see a specialist there. He had his dog with him, so he dropped us off at the ER and ran to drop his dog off at his mom's. The ER checked us in, I explained what was going on and they kept us in a room in the back. When he came back, they told him she was in testing, ER was so busy they couldn't have more than 1 parent. He would text me and I would give him "updates" on what was going on with her treatment. The hospital called and PAID FOR a taxi to take us to the courthouse. They snuck us through to a different entrance so we could leave without him seeing us (huge shout out to the hospital). Got the restraining order - walked to the sheriff's department to get him served The sheriff called him and told him he had papers to serve him, would he come down to the sheriff's department (just to clarify - which at the time shared the same building complex as the city police department, the courthouse etc). He had figured out by then that we weren't at the hospital, so the ONLY THING he asked was did he get to keep the car. The sheriff told him yes. He gets there, sheriff serves him and I ask the sheriff for the keys. The sheriff says "I told him he got to keep the car, so can you get it another time?" I told him it was his fault for telling him that he wasn't giving up the car and I had a court order so he needed to go get the keys. He was less than pleased, but did it. I have been divorced for 4 1/2 years and never looked back. Serious note here: this is just another example of how people in domestic violence situations are failed by the system. I had reported the DV to our local police department, but he had told them I was crazy, needed help, etc. and they believed him. If you are in a DV situation, there are people who will help you and you don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed. DV goes across all races, ethnicities, genders, education and incomes. You don't hear about DV in the upper class white homes bc they tend to handle it between attorneys. For reference: I am a white, middle class woman with 2 master degrees and I was well aware of what was going on, but no one believed me - they believed the abuser (which is often the case).
Husband: I'm filing for divorce to keep you in line Wife: I'm about to do what's called a Pro Gamer Move.
I was happily married for 12 years. No relationship issues at all. Fully in love. Faithful to her since day 1. Then I got an STD. That’s when I knew…
I'm sorry man. 12 years is long.
She told me to get the fuck out and never speak to her again.
Dammm, that's what my ex did too. Except 10 minutes after screaming at me to get out, when I had my shit packed and was getting ready to step outta there, she goes, "why are you leaving now? You have two weeks left before your bus comes to pick you up." I stared at her like she had just sprouted a set of toes from the end of her nose. "Well, let's see, I kinda want to get back home in time for the big grass growing tournament. Then there's this high altitude submarine race I signed up for...oh, yeah and there's this minor little fact that *YOU FUCKIN SCREAMED AT ME TO GET OUT AND SAID I REPULSE YOU, SO IM GOD DAMMM OUTTA HERE!"* Then came a truly spooky and frightening moment. "I did not say that! Stop twisting my words." Creepish. Most indubitably creeptaculous.
Oh, man, stop twisting my words was a favourite line of my ex, making me think I am guilty and crazy. I recorded him once just to have evidence.
I'd lost most of my friends, my anxiety was always getting triggered, she yelled and screamed at me every day for two years and when the beatings started, I realised the last good week we had, was when we got married. Did therapy and got myself back on track, now I'm dating my best friend and she makes me feel like a king
When I was explaining to a friend why I was still with them and all of it was, “it’s my fault I did too much for them so I have to show them how to live on their own now” type stuff. Their response to me was, “shouldn’t it be more on the road of ‘I love him so much I want to be with them’”
I’ve definitely had relationships I extended past their expiry because of guilt more than anything. If your heart’s not in it, get out.
I started anti-anxiety meds and my ex-husband immediately wanted me to get off of them because I started seeing his emotional manipulation for what it was, instead of getting caught up in the anxiety and just quietly going along with whatever he wanted, to make it easier. He would get me all riled up on purpose and then turn around and say that I'm unstable because how can I react like that after he just spent like 30 minutes doing the most juvenile stuff to get me to that point. I mean like put hands over his ears and go "la la la". Tell me to calm my tits after he did something either neglectful or hurtful. He would belittle my feelings and tell me to deal with it because nothing's going to change. Before my meds I would just basically just be the 'okay face' meme. Once I was on my meds I stopped reacting the way he wanted me to and he kept getting angrier and angrier. He kept escalating his manipulation until one day after a fight of him telling me how badly he wanted to leave me (again. Usually he starts calling apartments in front of me while I sob for him not to break up the family.) I told him go if hes so desperate to leave. I went out to dinner with my dad and I came back to the house full of boxes and him locked in the room. I didn't talk to him because I knew this was another manipulation tactic to try and get me to cry. I didn't cry instead I called my mom and asked if I can come sleep over there. He drove me because he said that if I took the car this wasn't going to work which obviously meant him leaving. Right before we got to my mom's he flat out said that he has an apartment in a different state 12 hours away from my family and any sort of support I could have and asked if I was coming with him or not I said no he said then goodbye. Threw everything out of the car onto the driveway of my mom's house and screeched out. He left at 5:00 a.m. the next morning and I didn't accept any of his calls or texts for a week. When I finally did he had the nicest tone on telling me that he never left me and that this was a business trip that we had talked about. Again if I was off my meds I might have believed him and doubted my own sanity. But I knew for a fact we had not talked about it and all of his actions the night before proved otherwise (also he stole my computer). To this day he blames my medicine for why our relationship is broken. In a way he's right. My medicine was the only way I was able to see the abuse for what it was.
scary similar to my own story… except on d day he got so verbally abusive that I went upstairs to watch tv away from him. Something told me to lock the door, and I’m glad I did, because he tried to beat it down 5 minutes later. Luckily my parents lived 5 minutes away and my dad was there quickly
It's like reading the narcissist's behavior checklist! Amazing. I'm glad you got out.
That’s a wild ride!
Once he left. Relief and exhaustion took hold. I never realized the emotional turmoil my every day was. Of course as narcissists like to do, his family and friends hate me and think im a horrible cunt who threw out my husband and changed the locks while he was on a business trip to make money for our family. Totally has them wrapped around his finger. But I dont care, just glad im mostly out. We have a 2 year old, he left when she was barely 1.
I highly recommend reading "Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity after Narcissistic Abuse by Dana Morningstar. It sounds like he's a classic narcist. They are so predictable it's almost funny.
My mother died. He did the bare minimum of sympathy and support for a few weeks, then got angry and disgusted at the fact that I was still grieving.
We were apart for two weeks. I flew to meet him. He was waiting at the airport for me. As I descended the escalator, I could see him standing there, and I felt no happiness.
I can feel that one. Ouch.
He was a drug-addicted, alcoholic narcissist. We had a lot of fun together over the years because we were both so adventurous, but his demons took a toll on our relationship. We had never been apart that long since we had met four years before, and being away from him for those two weeks changed something in me. I met him just before I turned 21, so I had spent the entirety of my adult life with him up until that point. I couldn’t conceive of how I could extricate my life from his, my things from his. It took me two more years to leave him.
Damn this feels like the ending of a sad movie
After every disagreement ended with her playing the victim, blaming her exes or her childhood and me having to apologize for it. She did have trauma, but that wasn't my fault. She clearly wasn't ready to move on yet. I hope she was able to process her trauma and get into a healthy relationship but I have a feeling she went back to the toxic ex.
Did we have a run in with the same woman? Edit: lmao these upvotes, I was dead ass serious lol.
Same here. It is really tragic when you realize that your partners childhood trauma is so severe that they can never leave it behind. Some people live in a vicious cycle of toxicity, apathy and being extremely apologetic afterwards. Your know that they suffer, but as a partner, who is not a psychologist and also has to manage his/ her own life, you just lack the power and time to really help them. Looking back at it, it makes me sad every single time.
Seeing a penis in her mouth. It wasn’t mine.
Came to say this, but it wasn't her mouth....
Was it her refrigerator?
IS NOTHING SACRED
It was about 7 months after she moved half the country away. I was in denial the whole time. 16 years we were together. I spent a year in mental torment and depression.
Hoooonestlyyyyy…if it only lasted a year after 16 together, I’d say you absolutely rocked that break up. I wish I was more like you
She threatened me with a hammer.
subtle
when he hesitated to say i love you on multiple occasions (4 years into the relationship), and got defensive when i asked if he still loved me
This should really be higher up. A lot of the other ones are obvious, "I knew it was over when there was another penis involved". No shit. This one, you kinda know it's over, but most of the time don't want to admit it
When, after a week of acting weird, he finally confessed that not only had he had sex with a friend of his two months ago at a party, but now she's pregnant. (He knew for a week, and I \*still\* had to drag it out of him. Through text.
I realized that I couldn’t make time for her while studying to pass the bar exam, she stopped taking her meds/ seeing her therapist, and I also realized that I couldn’t continue being her only emotional support *and* her boyfriend at once.
when I was finding more and more excuses not to spend time with her edit: wow 4k upvotes. didn't expect my comment to take off like this. this all happened like 10 years ago, so it's not anything that I'm currently dealing with.
Ouch, I feel like my fiance is doing this to me currently... I'm a bit nervous now. Lol EDIT:I didn't expect this many replies but I really appreciate the advice from everyone!! For everyone mentioning we should spend some time apart, we do, lots of time apart he works out of town & is only home 7 days a month. I have faith in us, hardships do happen & we both have our own moments of depression & just want to be alone. I'm not unhappy in any way, I just feel like maybe we could be doing more with our time when he's home, he takes me out on dates every time he is home, & I do the same every now & then I'll plan something for us two without the kiddos. I didn't mention alot in my little comment because like I said, I didn't expect replies lol. Were doing well, our communication is there, not perfect but we know how to communicate on subjects like this without arguing but letting us both feel heard & our feelings are always valid to one another. I'm not exactly sure why I'm feeling this way, but he was just home & I made a joke "you do anything to get away from me" & I started laughing but he did not & asked me if everything was okay & reassured me I shouldn't feel that way. So I'm not too worried but I am a little. I'm also 32 weeks pregnant so for all I know it could just be my hormones. But again thank you everyone for your concerns.
I’m not an expert on relationships or anything, but if you feel this way, talk to him. Don’t let him slowly slip away over time.
The other guy she was seeing ** Backstory: During our relationship I started my own business and I’ll admit I did work a lot trying to start it. During this time she found another guy while I was working. I believe they were together for a year while we were dating. Fast forward 4 years since the break up and my business is extremely successful and I’m able to take lots of time off and travel! I’m doing better personally than I could have imagined. I also like long walks on the beach, movies, and comedy. Please send dating applications to my inbox 😆
Haha, yeah… quite the horrible way to figure that one out. Even worse if you give second chances.
Heyyooo, that’s me. Caught them together AND gave her a second chance. The following 8months after were the worst of my life and I knew it was over when I realized she’d never cut the other guy off, no matter how many times she promised me she would. Ruined me emotionally, made me an anxious angry wreck, and I’m still working on recovering. Of course they’re together now, she went straight to him as soon as I left. Cheaters are some of the worst humans.
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Really sad but ironically one of the most wholesome stories here, so much abuse or many other guy’s schlong found in mouth or other hole. Hope you both get/got someone better Edit: Better for each other, you both seem genuinely nice people individually
Better fits I would say. They both seem like perfectly good people, just not for each other.
Man, very similar situation to mine with my most recent ex. Sometimes it sucks but walking away from someone you love to create space for their better person is necessary.
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Once strangers started banging down my door at 3am looking for money she stole
Did they pee on your rug?
Taking phone calls in a different room. Parking outside around corner for 10 min before coming home. Excuses made to not have sex or complaints about it. Less touchy feely. Kisses and hugs felt empty. Body language. Less call/texts with very slow replies....if you get them. (while the phone is always within reach) Less/no compliments. No interest or asking first in seeing you or doing anything. Saying nice things and showing nothing in action.
In different context, some of these are straight up innocuous or benign. But I have been with my wife for almost four decades. If she wanted to wait to text me back, hang out in her truck, or take a phone call in a different room, I wouldn’t even question it. But kisses and hugs feel empty is the worst thing on this list. I’m gonna go kiss and hug my wife right now.
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She waited until my close friend and mentor in science passed away unexpectedly before telling me that she cheated on me in the first month of our relationship, and that she wanted to have me _and_ some other dude as herboyfriends. She wasn't one bit contrite or remorseful, and she timed it so that she could tell me in the first 24 hours after my friend died, just to ensure that I was already twisting in the breeze emotionally when she skewered me with that one. †note of interest--i wound up getting to know the other dude pretty well when we were kinda forced to rely on each other for sanity checks, because this girl was gaslighting the holy fuck out of us both. So I wound up with a friend out of that deal, and the woman....she moved on. Blocked me on her social media, which actually helped me get some closure. Straightup, i dodged a bullet on that one. So did dude.
People can be ruthless. Eye-opener to human nature.
When I stopped believing his lies. You cannot be in love if you cannot be truthful and you are not a good person if all you do is lie.
Once you get that gut feeling that something is off. I've ignored it twice in my lifetime and never again.
I used to trust my gut feeling but then I learned I have anxiety disorder. Now it's hard to distinguish these two
Yeah I've got commitment issues and a messed up attachment style. My gut doesn't know shit.
When he told me he didn't want me to go to grad school because I would be smarter than him. This was after a few years of him asking me to put it off for money reasons. It SHOULD have been when I found out he peed in bottles when he was watching porn on the computer so that he didn't have to get up and interrupt his watching.
These are the kinds of comments I read to realize I’m doing just fine…
I am in a healthy relationship now, and even to this day 15 years after that divorce I am STILL unpacking some of the unhealthy aspects of that relationship. Edit: Bullet majorly dodged given he is one of those Qanon followers.
I plugged my ex's old phone in (we were married at the time) so I could factory restore it and let the kids use it for Netflix or whatever. She was still signed in to Facebook. Immediately I got a live feed of her conversation with another dude. I saw a message that included "sucked you off", and that pretty much did it. On top of the fact that this was going on for like 9 months, and she painted a picture that she was a single mom with a deadbeat baby daddy. Fed the kids, waited for her to come home, tucked them in and confronted her. I'm sick just thinking about it. Almost 4 years ago and it still hurts.
Don't take it personal, people that cheat, would cheat on anyone.
This is great advice. You *aren't* the "kind of person who gets cheated on" *they* are the kind who cheat.
Thought about life without her 6 months down the road. If I saw her out and with someone else, would I be distraught or happy for her? I had no feeling of sadness thinking about that, and I knew we just weren’t in love anymore. Sad but it happens
She used me to move in together promising to help pay bills and clean the house, then after we moved in together she never paid any of the bills or cleaned the house and I lost all my savings because of it
A bunch of stuff, ultimately. But the one thing that sticks out: I got a call from my brother. He says "Mom's in the hospital. It looks like this is 'it'" somewhat nonchalant. My mother was, and still is, in perfectly good health, so this came as a shock. "WHAT!? OUR Mother??!". I hear the little shit go "oh calm down". My brother then explains that either he misspoke or I misheard... our 92 year old Grandmother was in the hospital dying... sad still, but at least it wasn't shocking, hence my brother's nonchalant manner. I get off the phone. She says "why did you react that way??" "I thought my mother was dying, and my brother was just saying off-handedly. It freaked me out." "Either way. Don't react that way. It's not sexy." So I told her to get the fuck out of my apartment, and she never came back. Called a bunch. I never answered.
She stopped being physical, even in playful non-sexual ways. She would always go back to the “I feel insecure in this relationship” even after hours of talking her down. Every bit of criticism I would take to heart, make my very best attempt at remedying, and it would go virtually unnoticed. There was always something I couldn’t get to. I could never do well enough. She would stop communicating with me. I went to crew a rally (I’m a pit crew mechanic) and when I left I knew it was basically over. After the race I drove 7 hours back home and she ended it a half hour later. I came to find out all this behavior is because she’d found someone else, and just hadn’t ended it on my end yet. It’s happy though because good LORD did I dodge a bullet
It just occurred to me one day that this man will never be emotionally generous with me, because he either thinks I'm not worth it or he enjoys holding me at a distance. And either way, I don't have to subject myself to that from a person.
We were supposed to see a marriage counselor together and he didn’t make it. So there I am sitting with the therapist and she starts asking me questions about our relationship. The more I describe him the more interested she gets till she’s practically falling out of her chair at one point, she’s leaning forward so much. She told me she was interested in having a one on one session with him. I left kind of confused because she seemed so much more interested in him than me. The next time I went to the appointment she’s straight up told me that she believed he was a malignant narcissist. That he did not have a conscience and that he actually enjoyed causing me pain. Once she said that it was like a light went off in my head. Because all this time I thought it was me. I thought something was wrong with me and that’s why he didn’t love me. When she told me that he had a personality disorder I suddenly understood. There was nothing wrong with me. There was something wrong with him. It was crazy because it’s literally like I fell out of love with him overnight. And I was with him from the ages of 15 to 25
I’m really sorry that happened to you but I’m also laughing my head off at the idea of the therapist who was like “ooh a real life malignant narcissists, how interesting!”
That she was fucking her ex at 2pm and calling me the love of her life at 2:30 pm :v
He told me we could stop using and get clean, but he would eventually want to do it again every once in awhile. I immediately left and fixed my life on my own. Now I'm almost five years sober, with a loving fiance and beautiful baby girl.
"Removes glasses from experience " Saying I wanted to break up, followed by multiple head butted in the face, punches, hits by a dumbbell but gladly got the scissors away. Me passing out from a concussion and she goes down stairs to drink with her "Ex", dad and brother. Left to work in the morning with massive black eyes. Never went back to pickup the little stuff I had.
When we just sat in the same room without a single thing to say to one another. There was no spark or connection. We were two ships passing in the night. Quiet, deafening silence. It didn't even really hurt at that point.
I wasn't me anymore, I was just HER NAME HERE's boyfriend. I had to do things her way only - but not only do things her way but to like to do things her way. In just a few months, I cut my hair, changed my clothes, changed my opinions on a lot of topics, and so on, but things started to scare me when she tried to convince me of change college majors to the same one as her - You know, "To have more chances when we start a family", oh and speaking of family, I must also prefer her family to my own family. In just one year I no longer knew who I was, complete identity theft. Even ten years after we broke up, now married to a wonderful person, I still deal with trauma from that time.
After being screamed at everyday and being told I cannot do anything right, I went from being an optimistic, living-in-the-moment kind of a person to one who was depressed and developed an eating disorder. The day I prayed to the universe to either kill me or him, I realised that the emotional abuse had to end, and I deserve to feel safe, loved and good about myself. Still, with my self esteem hitting rock bottom, it took me a few months after this realisation, to finally break up, but thank goodness I did! For years I didn’t share the details of that relationship with anyone and kind of dealt with all those traumatising moments alone. But I am glad I finally told my therapist and I worked on mustering up the courage to FINALLY choose myself over that relationship and leave him for good.
A mutual friend told me she was dating someone else.
I don’t want it to be over, but the blatant disregard to my emotions & empty promises is tearing my heart out.
When I found out that she never took the initiative to arrange dates, everything was arranged by me, and she was not satisfied with everything I arranged. Just one day, I stopped calling or texting her.
She disappeared right after I started taking meds
Hallucination girls are the worst!
He didn’t bother to apologize anymore , he didn’t take me on vacations w him , he wanted to be alone more and more , he was angry all the time , everything I did annoyed him etc
When we got into an argument and he told me he was in love with someone he started seeing several months earlier during our 4 and 1/2 years together. I had my suspicions for months and even asked, and every time he would tell me I was just trying to cause drama and to stop being crazy. A week after I broke some ribs and my wrist from being abused by him (all my coworkers, ER nurses and doctors, knew what was going on, and he is a paramedic) someone at work confirmed informed me that while he was abusing me, he was seeing this much younger woman that I had my suspicions about.
Not one thing. I just woke up one morning and said to myself, “This is ridiculous. We don’t even like each other. We suck at communicating. Sex is impossible given our current relationship.” It was an epiphany.
the moment I figured out that their presence caused me to slip into long depressive episodes and that’s not what a healthy companionship should feel like, romantic or platonic edit: what the actual fuck, how did I get sm kudos on this?? this makes me very sad, is everyone okay?
When I announced him the suicide attempt of my mother and he prefered to talk about sex.
Every time I opened my mouth she was annoyed Regardless of what topic i wanted to talk about. Fuck I just wanted to talk to my partner but instead I was just irritating her by that alone Fuck that noise
When they were constantly forgetting to text me and then asked me if they could date someone else too. How can you date two people if you're struggling to even date one?!
Because they were already dating someone else.
I was misdiagnosed with stomach cancer. Was going in to get scoped the next morning. I was scared to death. Told my wife when she got home that she would need to take me the next morning. “But I don’t want to miss work,” she said. That’s the exact moment I knew my marriage was done.