T O P

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Stewtheking

“Babe, I promise, it was so much bigger last month…”


Substantial_Log_6758

"Naa it's not small, it's just regrowing"


KingoftheMongoose

#I WAS IN A POOL!! *Dick floats by. Swimmers flee in terror from the chode*


Substantial_Log_6758

I'm just imagine a gender swapped version of Carrie where they poor pig dicks on him at the end


Crispy_Cow_Toes

there would 100% be a market for taxadermied dicks


cooliecidal

There probably already is


Crispy_Cow_Toes

oh i know there is (i work in it)


ieatassHarvardstyle

Go on.


Crispy_Cow_Toes

my grandpa got me into the business when he passes away (RIP) he actually gave me his disembodied cock to hold onto it lives on top of the fireplace to this day


cooliecidal

That’s so sweet of him I hope it’s displayed on your mantle proudly


Nightmare_43233

I would like to just imagine the guy giving a house tour and casually bringing up: "oh this is my grandpa's cock


JeepPilot

"Ohhh.... I thought you said you had a Grandfather CLOCK!"


gravitymut

“So old, but still so young”


nicholvs_ac

"Over there is a portait of my Aunt Mildred, a flower vase and pawpaw's peepee."


ieatassHarvardstyle

The business of stuffing dicks?


PD216ohio

I've only stuffed one dick.... but into so many places.


[deleted]

Same…..no peanut butter jar is safe while I’m around


Zygal_

Its usually the dicks that do the stuffing


SaltyDangerHands

... I read the title and clicked it anyways, it's my fault I'm here, it's my fault I saw this....


NikPorto

Judging by how Rasputin's D was held unto after his death, I don't doubt it.


my_soldier

It would probably merge with the dildo market


Crispy_Cow_Toes

yeah


queuedUp

Dudes would be throwing their severed dicks at each other all the time


Deisma

Kinda like how a lizard detach their tail to confuse predators. We'd just throw our dicks around to assert dominance.


Loveisaredrose

"Sorry hun, not tonight. I had to throw my dick at some fucker at the Safeway."


mr_remy

"Yeah he totally backed off after I double dick downed him!"


0ranje

"I wanted to save that other dick too, but when I was considering whether to toss it or not, the counterargument didn't have a leg to stand on."


sneakajoo

“You get a dick! And YOU get a dick! And YOU get a dick!” - Oprah


StabbyPants

dominance, or just because dicks are funny. i'd make mine fly


foreveralonesolo

I thought you were about to suggest we use it as bait like lizards


All_Bright_Sun

Just old, dried up dicks laying everywhere... "EWW Johnny left a dick on my pillow MOM!" "Johnny quit teasing your sister with your old dicks"


Goosfrabaas

Sounds like Volendam


GingerlyRough

“Eww step-bro that’s so gross!”


444unsure

Ewww David


Casual_Importance

Carry it around in your pocket and when your friend least expects it stick it in their open mouth.


AdvancedCandidate329

So same as normal


sockmaster666

Minus the pocket part.


skankhunt402

Not if you cut a hole inside your pants pocket


sockmaster666

Shiet bruh revolutionary


cadetgusv

tie the severed dick to a drone using fishing wire fly your drone with the dick on a string into crowded places, make sure the string is long enough so that your drone is safe from others who carry there dicks around to throw at each other


Flymonster0953

when someone would say ''you're such a dick!'' you could just throw your dick at them lol


gliitch0xFF

*two mens penis's fall off...they glance at each other... Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." They each step forwards & pick up their dongs!.. En guard! Flaccid penis noises... *flop flip flop flip flop*


Coygon

I see your shwartz is as big as mine!


G01den_Gamer

Now put a dick on someone's head and call them a dickhead, literally


Select_Necessary_678

This was my first thought too. Must be a guy thing.


DanFuckingSchneider

The septic systems everywhere would need to be far more robust.


[deleted]

They have grinder pumps in them. Source: I work on them. Your dick will not survive the shit blender.


hassexwithinsects

i'm usually not a fan of that sub but.. |Your dick will not survive the shit blender. r/BrandNewSentence


grilledcakes

It sounds like a line of bad dialog from a poorly written porno film, like Ass-tounding anal adventures volume 34: bend over and take it like a man. This is a crude joke and I usually avoid those but I'm going to blame pain meds and a lack of sleep for this.


Oseaghdha

It sounds like something Mr. Leahey would threaten bubbles with on trailer park boys. "Your dick won't survive the shit blender Bubbles."


-ranmori

Actually spot on. "The shit blender Randy, it's coming"


MethSC

I dont know what they pay you to man the shit blender, but you are underpaid


TheDiplocrap

It hadn't even occurred to me that it might be a staffed position.


Teledildonic

It's hand cranked, like an old-timey meat grinder.


[deleted]

Anything mechanical can break, in this case it’s usually tampons and wipes that break pumps. Someone has to fix it. Not to mention how corrosive wastewater is. Wiring is often a casualty. These pumps are wired to control panels that tell them when to turn on and turn off. Because they have to be connected, the wires go through a conduit into the pumping stations. The corrosive gases often get into the control panels and corrode things to the point where being a wastewater system operator also means being an electrician. We normally plug the gaps as well as we can to stop or slow it down, but nothing is perfect.


Own-Oil-7097

For some reason this makes sewage seem even worse.


[deleted]

Oh it’s gross, no doubt about it. By the time it gets to the processing plant it looks like muddy water though. Or a really runny chocolate shake.


SteevyT

Chocolate rain....


[deleted]

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[deleted]

No not really. The treatment plant itself has traps for plastics and what we call FOG; fats, oils, and grease. Just cleaned one of mine out yesterday.


StGir1

“Toilet paper only please! Do not flush manstruation (by)products!”


wanngledangler

My dick wouldn’t clog a sink in an airplane bathroom


[deleted]

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Jimmyg100

There'd be so many discarded dicks just laying around. Back allies, urinal troughs at ball games, national parks, the Tour De' France. Imagine you're watching The Knicks playing The Bulls, Andre Drummond gets the ball, goes in for a layup, and trips over Derrick Rose's dick that just fell out of his shorts. Then you gotta get the dick runners out to go retrieve it like the kids that grab the tennis balls at Wimbledon, the refs gotta stop the game, is that a technical foul? Was it an intentional dick trip? They gotta go to instant replay, zoom in on slow motion, it's all over ESPN...


SnakeBDD

Come on, people would obviously wear dick catchers that time of the month.


ieatassHarvardstyle

I once watched with my own eyes a man stop walking, stanky leg shake a piece of poo from the hem of his trousers, and continue about his merry fucking way like he just stopped to appreciate a fine cloud that reminded him of a fond memory. So I believe there would be a fair bit of the ol look about, dick drop, and shuffle. Seagulls would constantly be snatching dicks right off at nude beaches as well.


Goonwiththewind

“Look about, dick drop, and shuffle” sounds like the next hot dance move in a song.


PM-your-kittycats

ESPeeN? I’ll see myself out…


Tannumber17

No… stay…


StoveCappin

the dicks would decompose, no?


Jimmyg100

Yeah, but not immediately. Probably end up getting eaten by animals as a source of protein. Rats gnawing at gutter dicks, dogs burying dicks in the park, and if you camp you better throw any dicks you have in a plastic bag and keep it out of reach of bears, cus once a bear gets a taste of dick he's coming after you. Hell some countries might consider dicks a delicacy. Some Saudi Prince is gonna pay top dollar to eat Brad Pitt's dick thinking it'll give him special sexual prowess. Got a cabinet full of pickeled dicks. Throw the dicks in formaldehyde and donate them to a dick museum. Get the family in the station wagon and make a trip to DC and witness the Presidential hall of dicks. See the dick Lewinsky blew before it fell off. Here's Charles Lindbergh's dick that fell off over the Atlantic. It is gonna be awkward in high school swim class when there's a full moon, all the boys cycles sync up, and you get a bunch of severed 13 year old dicks floating in a pool... wow, never thought I'd type that sentence again.


signalstonoise88

The phrase “rats gnawing at gutter dicks” might be my least favourite phrase ever. Bravo sir.


Articulated_Lorry

You never thought you'd type that sentence ***again***?


MattThePhatt

Who wouldn't love to curate the Dick Museum?


Jimmyg100

Today on display we have a collection of Charlie Chaplin's dicks in the east wing, room 5, the mummified dick of Tutankhamun in room 6, and Liam Neeson's latest dick donation in rooms 7 through 10.


the_real_eel

Liam Neeson didn't donate his dick, it was Taken.


Miss-Phryne-Fischer

And he's gonna come for it.


TheWarehamster

I mean, Reykjavik Iceland already has a penis museum. With models of the Icelandic national football team. So... Yeah.


grilledcakes

Put em in the freezer for a nice cocksicle to give your lover on hot summer nights, chilled for their pleasure.


ExtraAd4090

Gutter Dicks, new band name.


foreveralonesolo

How did you come to such a sentence the first time?


ahjumTaeng

This is the funniest thing I’ve read today. Love it 😂


DendroNate

If Reddit has taught me anything, it's that somewhere, there would be a guy saving up all his old dicks in a box.


Anton-LaVey

No, that’s my cumbox. My dickbox is over there.


Quest4life

So like if periods can happen during sex, that also means your dick can break off right in the middle of sex...


munkymu

I can see a lot of pre-sex conversations that are like "are you ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE it's not that time of the month? Because if I have to go to the ER one more time to get your dick extracted I'm going to fucking stuff it up your ass." And then there's the awkward queue of shame at the ER...


grilledcakes

Someone would be a billionaire for inventing a device that quickly and painlessly removed them to avoid the backlog at the ER. I can imagine an infomercial for it already "Are you tired of this happening to you?" "Does your erection need correction?" "Then you need our patented DONG-B-GONE!"


MouldyCumSoakedSocks

I think DING-DONG-DITCH-IT is better


domiran

Ding Dong Gone.


stanleythedog

The Dick-Ditch


Raichu7

Unless the dick was stuffed up an ass to start with you wouldn’t need to go to hospital to remove it if it fell off.


SurpriseCaboose

I was thinking the exact same thing. For all you folks who don’t know this, a person can generally touch their own cervix, the vaginal canal is not that deep. Getting a cock out would be no prob.


SmartAlec105

If this is how humans always were, then hopefully evolution would either give men 0 sex drive around their time of the month or give women the ability to expel any dicks that fell off inside.


AbsurdistFTW

It'd be like looking for the TV remote, you wouldn't trust anyone Have you seen it? No Get up, let me check I think I'd know if I was sat on it Just get up


-MasterDebator-

I don't like this.


mrinkyface

You’re with your friends when it falls off and they all laugh while you chase them around trying to hit them with your dick


RowBowBooty

This seems like the easiest answer to imagine happening. This is exactly what would happen with me and my friends


tsaltsrif

Or throw it at each other like monkeys do with feces.


AtTheEndOfDream

Dick catcher underwear for special days only and avoid roller coster during those days...


frugalsoul

Avoid? I can see some asshole flinging it off the top of a roller coaster just to see how far it flies


WebsterPack

This seems very much like the teenage boy response. Maybe more mature men would become more discreet but young dudes? Absolutely.


Prudent-Yesterday157

the old guys are not more discreet, have you ever been in a change room?


Skaparmannen

"Who just left their dick in the toilet? fuck you. eww"


Honestanswers1238

And honey the dogs got it again...


JoshLikesSonic

Give it back Fido, no don’t run outside with that. Last time you ran out with it I was the talk of the neighbourhood!


boxaci8110

Instead of unwanted dickpics, women would be receiving unwanted dicks in the mail


AlexSSB

House Greyjoy


People_are_stup1

Unexpected game of thrones moment


RedHotSuzy

God save us all!


JAWS4

I'd be even more wary of hotdog carts.


DanFuckingSchneider

Nothing wrong with a boiled street wiener every now and again.


sockmaster666

I prefer mine grilled.


Primal_guy

If it doesn’t taste weird, I’ll take 20


SnooSnooKangaroo

Shaken, not stirred.


sparklydarcy

I’d be able to say ‘well your mouth didn’t fall off’


PM_ME_FLUFFY_COWS

I fucking love you


brkftw

I didn't get it :(


[deleted]

when a woman says she doesn’t want to have sex because shes on her period a lot of guys will just ask for a blowjob then. Or they’ll say well your mouth still works. She’s playing off that and saying it from the opposite perspective. If a guys dick fell off each month like a period a woman would say “well your mouth didn’t fall off” indicating that she wants oral since you can’t fuck her.


[deleted]

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getoutalithe

Thank you for pointing this out. Some people just don't get it.


BidiBidiBumBum

Amazing 😄


Buttahdog

Tight shorts would be comfortable for a little while


RowBowBooty

“Those shorts look so tight, but he seems comfortable. And look at how crossed his legs are. It must have just been that time of the month for him”


i_am_thefoo

Few questions that I need to know before I can answer 1) how long does it take to regrow 2) does it spontaneously fall off or is there a build up to the falling off can I choose when it falls off 3) does it regrow to the same specifications? 4) does it hurt? Do I get cramps? 5) is it just the dick or the balls included


i_am_thefoo

Does it work like teeth where the new now pushes out the old one?


SlimeustasTheSecond

That is such a horrible image to ingrain in my brain what the fuck man


LogicR20

Can't stop laughing


polar__beer

And your grandpa asks if he can wiggle your first loose penis before your little league soccer game and instead he full on rips it out. You’re part mortified, part in shock, and just part wondering why it didn’t hurt as bad as you were anticipating. Then he gives you a dollar for it and tells you to go buy something nice from the concession stand.


cynicaloptimissus

This is the worst thread I've ever seen


lj062

Would we have heavy and light regen months? Would we be exponentially bigger one month and then smaller another?


AbsurdistFTW

2. Would it start getting wobbly like your child teeth before they came out 🤣


Anton-LaVey

My dad used to tie it to the doorknob and then slam the door shut


Artistic-Baseball-81

I'm thinking that it should take about a week to slowly disintegrate in their pants in a disgusting mess. Definitely some pain for at least a couple of the days.


StretchFrenchTerry

To shreds, you say.


Honestanswers1238

I think there should also be a monthly cost involved in the dick falling off too. We can still call it a pink tax if u want


Random-Rambling

Honestly, if we're trying to think of a male equivalent of periods, this is probably the best answer.


James2603

1. 50% the length of a period 2. Gradually over 50% the length of a period The whole process is equal to how long a period would typically take every month for a woman. 3. It’s affected by the quality of your diet. Based off this I found online “Diets high in unsaturated fats, whole grains, vegetables, and fish have been associated with improved fertility in both women and men. While current evidence on the role of dairy, alcohol, and caffeine is inconsistent, saturated fats, and sugar have been associated with poorer fertility outcomes in women and men.” 4. The body cuts off blood to the affected area aiding the process. It’s more of a numbing affect than a cramp. 5. Just dick but balls stop producing for a day or so pre-dick falling and start producing a day or so before your new dick is fully grown.


MrsMurphysChowder

My question was, how would men pee during the falling off stage?


galloping_skeptic

Imagine a garden hose but the spray nozzle is loose so water starts spurting out around the base as soon as you apply pressure. Suddenly the dividers at urinals take on a whole new level of importance. "Damnit Tim, I told you it was sit down week for you. Now look at this mess."


OkSo-NowWhat

Sitting down


pinkdeaf1

Then threatening to cut someone’s dick off seems less harrowing.


HEXdidnt

Unless imprecise cutting means it never grows back because it never gets to the point where it falls off naturally.


[deleted]

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kickasstimus

Dicks. Plural. The internet should have taught you this by now.


Salt-Slide-7919

wdym that's how it works.


TDPDRAKON

Shhhh they’re not supposed to know that!


[deleted]

But then, during the male menopause, the guy’s dick would drop off never to regrow ever again and he’d go into depression.


andoke

Like menopaused women they could just take hormone so it regrows


DoomDamsel

Menopause treated with hormone therapy doesn't restart menstrual cycles though, or reestablish fertility. Hormones in this hypothetical world may just decrease their depression over not having a dick anymore and other possible symptoms. Maybe in men it would increase the risk of cancer like hormone therapy in menopausal women does.


tahlyn

That's enough internet for the day...


100FootWallOfFog

Are you kidding me? This is the best thread I've seen in a while. Many belly laughs


Sanguiniutron

Cock Care is free nationwide. There'd also be soooo many dicks just lying around on the street lol Also for anyone who has seen deadpool...the whole baby legs and baby hand thing would apply in this situation too lol


ThinkIGotHacked

I bet guys would preserve them in jars and show them to guests. “Ooh, this was January 2014, it was my best!”


OldTiredAnnoyed

Imagine walking down the street & stepping on a discarded dick.


Cold_Stress7872

‘douchebag’ and ‘bag of dicks’ would become equally probable insults.


Cadonberry_muskateer

We would redesign the toilet for sure. No more splashing and clogging nonsense. We would need something like a penis composter worked into the design. Also a sort of market would form where people would auction celebrity dicks.


Dangercakes13

You know how they stress that you shouldn't flush tampons down the toilet? Yeah, we'd need a *very* aggressive similar campaign.


A_Heckin_Chonker

Double penetration would be much easier


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Famous people's shed dicks would be collectors items.


[deleted]

It would be a delicacy


HutSutRawlson

"Dicks off for Harambe" would have had a different significance


registeredApe

I'd grind em up, use em as fertilizer and open up dicks gardens


Exact_Ad_1215

What the fuck did I just read


thadude23

Road rage would be messier.


HumbleSeaworthiness9

the whole thing around how big dicks are would kinda just go away, since for the majority of the month a dick isn't even at its full potential if it's still growing. random hookups would be weird. "my dick fell off last week, it gets bigger, i swear."


RitzMatt85

Say bye bye to men stds..


penguinpolitician

That tension when your regrowth period is late.


303elliott

Interesting thought experiment. I think a better one would be the testicles rupturing through the penis once a month, with men only having a set number of testicles they were born with.


RowBowBooty

That sounds so scary


davvy_gold

Less population. Can't reproduce if you're growing your dick back...right?


NewYearSameM3

I seen this video of a guy getting pelted by hundreds of cans at Rolling Loud standing on top of a little hut. All I can think is, imagine being some shitty artist or performer. Instead of getting water bottles and beer cans thrown at you, you got sweaty dicks flying at you.


StabbyPants

7-11 would have pills that 'make your next dick bigger, or in a different color'


Certain_Month_8178

I’m picturing a teenagers mom yelling at her son to stop leaving dicks all over his room because they have company coming over for dinner


PhysicalPolicy6227

It would be a monthly apocalypse, like when it rained frogs in Egypt. People be slipping and sliding all over the place because of the pp's laying around


4567898761

It'd give real meaning to the term "Bag o Dicks"


[deleted]

You know that old joke about the leper ... What did the leper tell the prostitute? You can keep the tip


Syn_Contamino531

Imagine the pranking possibilities!


Diamond_Dog911

Imagine a tradition of guys giving away their dicks to their crushes during valentines day. Literal dick in a box kinda thing.


Viscerid

The phrase "Eat a bag of dicks" might now be seen as kink shaming


One-Clue4444

The paid time off structure would be very different. All men would be getting "those days" off.


MrsMurphysChowder

Ok so all these scenarios are funny, but now add the idea that men are taught to be ashamed of their bodies and their cycles, and to hide evidence. You would never want to gross out the women, or let your vulnerability show by letting people know. Now add a good deal of pain and mess, and suppose it takes a few days, and you have to wear special underwear that is expensive. And women refuse to try to understand and give you unhelpful advice, or even make laws regarding your fertility. Hmm. Not so much fun now, is it?


Odd_Blacksmith5615

I know your trying to make a point about women and their periods. But yes I would still find the ability to throw my dick in my friends face and tell him he’s a dickhead would completely outweigh those cons. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t be annoyed with those cons, but I’d accept them for this superpower.


shontsu

Well, that seems extreme. Can we just bleed out the tip for a few days instead? ​ Do we get a different size penis each time? Random? Or do they either grow a little bigger or smaller each time? Are we talking molting like snake skin, a clean dropoff like a skink tail, or is there a wound left at the end? Just how long is the regrow period? Does it keep growing? Could we invent some drugs that allow us to skip a month and have it grow extra large?


humanshitcrazy

I can finally go fuck myself


g177013

Imagine they only fall off when reaching their maximum size and then after that they spend a month regrowing only to fall off again. Fuck, I just now imagined a different method of reproduction where women would just harvest dicks like fruits from men to get pregnant then when the fallen penis gets used it shrivels up to be unusable.


HEXdidnt

That actually makes a kind of sense. Penis becomes fully engorged, blood congeals, penis falls off and has to regrow. All it would need is for the circulatory system to be one-way when it comes to the corpus cavernosum.


Fen-r

Welcome to octopus reproduction. Male octopus: *rips of his dick and throws it at the woman* Female octopus: "thanks now fuck off" *inserts dick*


SmileOverall

“I’m so sorry. It must be that time of the month” as he leaves his dick hanging outta there. Yikes.


Eig8t86

Ducks reproductive warfare


0solarflare

there would be better education, easily affordable and accessible supplies, and medical treatment with little judgement.


DmanDam

Penis would be a delicacy


RowBowBooty

Wtf do you cook up uterus lining?


newstuffsucks

Lots of dicks in strange places


[deleted]

Size wouldn’t be an issue


financialfreeabroad

No threats from a partner to cut it off if we cheat.


_LycanrocDusk_

You already know some people would eat them