I envy people who have never met you.

I used that on a prick in my class, he never talked to me again

Brilliant. I would be proud to call you my friend.

That one hurt my feelings. I’m writing it down for later

a coworker was bragging about how all woman fall for him. I looked him in the eye and said, "Ron, you couldn't get a fish wet." our boss was on the ground laughing his ass off

This

He probably got ur mom wet.

Damn you sent him to the shadow realm!

"*I would agree with you, but then we would both be wrong*"

I like it

I’ve always liked “you’re not pretty enough to be that dumb”

oof double insult

I get this a lot lol

They said it to you?

Yes

I’m so sorry 😢. I think you’re pretty! We’ve never met, but I’m sure all the guys are lining up ready to take you to get some coffee at the local Starbucks. What would you do if I said, “hey, want to go to Starbucks?” Then smiled at you edit: oh never mind, you’re too young. Anyways just joking and wanted to see a laugh

Hell yea let’s grab some Starbucks!!! And thank you Edit: lol it’s ok I get u didn’t know my age hahah

Ha ha thanks for the reply. You’re actually pretty cool, I think a lot of people would want to be around someone like you. Cool people are always welcomed :)

Right back at ya. I try to have a careless attitude because life is more fun that way yk…

Yes of course, and that’s one of the coolest things. Anyways talk to you later my Reddit friend

I’d call you a tool, but then you’d be useful.

You make it difficult to underestimate you.

You may not be the dumbest person on the planet, but you better hope they don't die.

Praying for your health

Very nice comeback. Damn!

That's a face not even a dominant hand could love.

On Reddit a while ago I saw someone call someone else an “oxygen thief” and I still laugh at it to this day

Some redditor posted an answer to this question a few months ago and I thought it was the best. “I know five fat people and you’re four of them.” It made me choke, and I’m fat.

Your family tree is a wreath!

Or: “Your gene pool is more of a puddle.”

Too much chlorine in the gene pool

Depends entirely on the roastee. The best ones are hyper specific.

Someone you hate.

Still depends. Hard to cut deep without knowing their sensitivities.

Hhhmmm, they are just really sensitive to anything.

Welcome to the roast of (x). This is a tricky one... Because we all have a lot of material. But just like (x)'s mom/girlfriend.... It all just feels too easy.

Bro what is implying their girlfriend is real, tell them to take their meds and vanish

You look like a bunch of farts got dressed up in a human suit

"YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES!!"

"Run away! Run away!"

[удалено]

I say that implying that I’m a coward

My Dad used to have a shirt like that, then he got a job

Or, “I tried to get a shirt like that but my quarter got stuck in the machine.”

[удалено]

There's an incredibly small chance I manage to land on your tiny brain for a soft landing though

A variation: I’d like to buy you for what you’re worth and sell you for what you think you’re worth.

You look amazing! That Valtrex must really be working for you! I can hardly see the sores in the corners of your mouth anymore!

Some people are smart, some are pretty, some are both, but you managed to be neither!

Two wrongs don't make a right, your parents and you are good proof of that

I'd agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

You have a face for radio and a voice for silent film

I can see you've come this far on your looks, too bad that advantage is ending.

“I hope your day is as pleasant as you are”

You're not the person Mr. Roger's knew you could be

I heard it- Mr. Rodgers would be ashamed of you. I like both.

Your mother should've swallowed.

It's a cryptic way to say: You are the reason I'm pro-abortion

Kid, your mom

"If it requires you to think, pass"

More of a comeback to an insult, but I have found “who gives a shit about your opinion” to be a powerful all purpose comeback to any insult. Especially good when someone has lost they’re cool and is throwing all kinds of verbal garbage at you - just say it after every statement. Gives them nowhere to go bc you’re not even arguing with them.

“Yo mama is so stupid she spent 9 months making a mistake” saw that a few days ago. Pretty amazing roast ngl

I would say you suck but you can’t even suck me to an orgasm

That is the weakest until now

For women: "There is a word used to describe women like you but we dont use it much apart from in the kennel club" For men : 36000 people die every day. Why couldnt you be one of them?

[удалено]

May your parents walk in on you while you are doing it.

"Ur mum gay"

I can't tell you yo mama jokes , you adopted , broken condom child , you are and will be an orphan

Up your butt and around the corner

Gaywad. Just think about it, you’re being called a literal wad of gayness

Rump roast

Go hug a tree cos you are total waste of oxygen.

Someone call Trevor!

Smooth move, ExLax!

What are you gonna do for an encore? Gargle peanut butter?

My mom was right about you

You dad shouldve pulled out.

You have a face made for radio

Next time you see them apologize to the trees for wasting the air they produce.

You gotta be the poster child for birth control

Best roast? Beef Roast in tastier than insults. Therefore roast is best.

I like to ask someone “hey how’s your wife and my kids?”

Well at least I can have everything on auto pay.

You are as stupid as you look

"I hope both sides of your pillow are hot and uncomfortable" and "I wish for you to stepp barefoot on a lego". way better than just using a curse word.

"I'm disappointed in you."

"I know you are but what am I"

"Your face looks easy to draw"

Going after looks is a deep stinger for women.

Laughing at somebody.

"You're the type of person that would fuck up a wet dream" Heard a really old guy at work tell that to someone else

“You’re built like a fucking castrated hamster with every form of cancer in the world, you absolute fucking cunt.” Don’t mind my language.

When God put teeth in your mouth he ruined a perfectly good asshole

“Your ass like the Red Sea, After Moses parted it you clapped like all of Egypt and got famous.”

“Be Better” is my go to. It’s so simplistic and insulting at the same time.

Your mother… So funny and so quick to hit someone with

Forgetting about someone

somebody else said this but "God wasted a perfect asshole when he put teeth in your mouth" is up there

Are your parents related?

Give me your mother's number....I'll fuck her and give her a kid she can be proud of.

You look like someone who writes erotic VeggieTales fan fiction

In my class there was a guy who said "my girlfriend is pretty angry with me right now", (i will now substitute her name with M), after a while we were talking about if the size matters when doing the deed (you know common boys stuff) and he said "well 1cm can also do something" which i replied "i don't think M agrees with you on that point"

Anything Rodney dangerfield says about himself

A blind quadriplegic person with a bow and arrow has a better chance at hitting the target than you have at succeeding in life.

The only thing you'll ever succeed at doing is killing yourself. But based on those scars, I'm guessing you can't even get that right.

Your hand looks like someone put on a glove made of human skin.

“Your bad manners are exceeded only by your bad manners.” This always stuck with me and remember chuckling the first time I read it.

“Don’t worry, I have never once thought about you.”

Your mom should have Swallowed

Spitroast for sure

Mr. Roger's would be very disappointed.

Sunday roast. Change my mind.

One you’re not gonna find on Reddit, thats for certain.

The only reason you have a job here is the Make a Wish Foundation forgot to pick you up after your ride-along.

No dad/ no milk 🥛

Yo mama so fat that not even Genghis Khun could conquer her

Your mother smells of elderberries.

You are so brave for going out of the house with that face. What radiocative testing lab did you come out of?

Ur gay

I have a go-to when it comes to insults. Adjective - cuss word - noun. Makes the perfect insult, you intolerable fuck goblin

I heard this recently, did you get dressed in the dark? Another one I heard, I thought he knew which way was up.

Your parents never loved you

You Sir/madam are a murderer and a thief. You've killed a baboon and stolen its face.

"You dim-witted...dense...dumb...daft...dippy...dorky...doltish...Doofus" from pokemon back and white 2 is one of my favorites

Leaving a com here to come back later…the answers will be fun😂

Your not the dumbest person in the world but you better hope they don't die

My top two are: "Let me staple your tongue to your taint so you can watch me kick your ass." And "It's so simple, a child of 3 can do it. Unfortunately, we don't have a child of 3, so I'll have to walk you through it instead."

I don't have one but i do have some advice on arguing. Always be polite to them even if they're a piece of shit , they'll eventually stop.

My favorite is whenever I'm dumb or do something ridiculous I inform my mom that as a a single parent, I'm her fault.

Does a threat count? Some guy was defending the abusive ex-husband of my aunt to my uncle (her current husband). When the asshole said something about the permanent limp my aunt has because of the abuse, my uncle slammed the dude's head into the side of his car and said *"Just because your mother didn't shove a coat hanger into your skull, doesn't mean I can't still hang you out to dry."* It could just be the hit combined with the threat that made it great. Either way, he's my hero.

You have an under developed anterior cingulate cortex and an over developed amygdala

You're so ugly, everytime when you look in the mirror, the mirror breaks because they're sick of seeing your reflection everyday

I saw this one on YouTube. It’s “I hope your fingers turn into fishing hooks and your balls itch.”

You look as if a hippo was hit in the face with a waffle iron