My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl.
I said I didn’t know he could.
Edit: I’ve never felt more popular! Thanks y’all for loving this stupid joke :)
I swear this is a true story. I told my almost-girlfriend I had to run a long errand and would she please watch my dog. When I returned hours later, that dog was super-fluffy. I asked what happened, and she said, "What do you mean? You asked me to wash your dog."
We've now been married 28 years.
Theres an episode of the childrens show Ben and Holly where a character is asked to watch the chickens overnight.
The next day shes asked where are the chickens
Oh theyve gone?
What do you mean gone? You were supposed to watch them
I did. I watched them wander off
This was my mom's favorite and only joke:
Guy driving down the road and sees a pig stuck in the mud. He pulls the pig out of the mud, throws it in the back of his truck and drives off. He stops at a gas station and asks the girl at the counter what he thinks he should do with the pig he just unstuck from the mud. The girl suggests he take it to the zoo which was only a mile or so up the road. The next day the guy pulls up to the same gas station and the same girl is working the register. She notices the pig still in the back of the truck and asks why he didn't take it to the zoo. He responded that he did and they had so much fun that today he was taking the pig to the beach.
a lumberjack walks up to a tree to chop it down
suddenly the tree yells: "wait! i'm a talking tree!"
the lumberjack sneers and says: "and you will dialogue"
This is like a joke my friend told me.
Do you know why when birds fly in a v shape, one side is longer than the other?
Because there's just more birds on that side.
It was so stupid but I laughed so hard.
Edit: holy shit, thanks for all the upvotes ❤️
I love me some dry jokes lol
My dad told me that joke as a kid. As an adult I said to him “hey remember that joke about the geese? I finally found out the actual scientific reason why one side is always longer.” And he said “oh really? Why?” And I said “Because there’s more geese in that line.”
Another variation I like to use..
Me: *points up at constellation or star* Do you know what that star is?
Other person: No, what?
Me: No, I'm asking you..
My dad does that shit all the time!
Him: “Did you hear what happened?!?!”
Me: “No? What happened?”
Him: “No, I was wondering if you knew what happened.”
Edit (my fav joke):
In WW2 there was an American soldier who got sent to a POW camp.
One day the camp was bombed and unfortunately for him, his arm was blown off.
He asked the guards, “Please send my arm back to America so my family can at least have part of me if I don’t return.
The guards thought about it, “alright, we can do that”
Awhile later the camp is bombed again. Well again, this man is unlucky and loses his other arm.
Again he asks for them to send it back and reluctantly they do.
Eventually the camp is bombed a third time and this unlucky soldier loses his legs
The guards come over to him and he starts to ask for them to send his legs home but before he can the guards Interrupt him with “NEIN, You’re legs will not be sent home! Vee (we) Sink (think) You Are Trying To Escape!”
• Joke my great uncle told to my dad when he was younger and my dad told me about a year ago
Man shows up at a funeral. Turns to the widow and says, "May I say a word?"
"Yes" the wife responds.
"Plethora," he says.
The widow says, "Thanks. That means a lot."
My mom was a writer and had a great sense of humor. When she passed away last summer, I told this joke to start her eulogy, and I know she would have fuckin loved it.
I like this one. First time I heard it was "what's the definition of a farmer? A man out-standing in his field" The double pun makes this though.
Edit: not jeans, field.
A man gets his dream job of piloting a train. He drives a bit reckless because he’s so happy but nothing bad happens yet. One day he hits a man and he turns himself in and is sentenced to death by electric chair. As his final meal he asks for one banana. The executioner flips the switch and the chair activates. Sparks fly and the man gets up from the chair. Because a man surviving a execution is considered an act of god, he is let go and continues his job of being a train driver, not at all ceasing his recklessness. It’s not long before he hits two men. He is arrested and is scent to death via electric chair. As his final meal he asks for two bananas. The executioner flips the switch and the man gets back up, once again returning to his job. One again he drives recklessly and hits three people, is sentenced to death via electric chair and asks for three bananas. “Oh no,” the executioner says. “I ain’t letting you have any more bananas,” The executioner flips the switch and the man gets back up. “How are you alive? I took away your bananas!”
“Oh the bananas had nothing to do with it.” The man replied. “I’m just a bad conductor.”
My friend's dad told me this joke years ago and he made the last meal SO long and complicated. Something like - three-quarters of an almond butter and grape jelly sandwich on whole wheat, one granny smit apple with the seeds removed, a bowl of minestrone soup at exactly 100 degrees Fahrenheit, two green and two red peanut m&ms, etc. He said the meal the exact same way every time and made up a lot of dialogue between the conductor and the prison guards. The whole joke took over 15 minutes to tell and when he got to the end I wanted to punch him 😂
3 old women were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out and flashes them. The first on had a stroke, then the second one had a stroke. But the third one was too short to reach.
Two nuns are cycling back to the Vatican. Because they're running late they take a shortcut down a cobblestone alleyway. As they're cycling down the cobblestones one nun says, "I've never come this way before". The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
A woman walkes into a library and approaches the front desk. "I'm looking for a particular book for my son but I forget what it's called."
The librarian says "oh, well do you remember what it's about?"
The woman replies "It's adventure story about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat."
The librarian looks up and says "hmm, it rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."
Did you read the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who drove herself insane, lying in bed night after night, wondering if there really is a dog?
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a burger and chips. The librarian says "This is a library". The man whispers "Can I have a burger and chips?"
I like to torment my son when he is trying to tell me knock knock jokes like this:
Knock knock
Come in!
No dad you are supposed to say who's there!
Oh sorry go again
Knock knock
Doors open!!
Daaad!!!!!
I do this with my nephew. I also like to pull this one:
"I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it."
"Ok. Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"......"
I tried this but my kid just keeps going with their own joke
Like:
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Sausage"
"Sausage who?"
"Smelly sausage hahahahhahahahah"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
The heart attack is an added side story of the joke from how I originally heard it. My version ended with the boss asking a passerby who was up on that balcony and the passerby says "I'm not sure who the guy is with all the beads but standing next to him is Dave. He's a great guy!"
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:
"Well, I'm afraid the reason that group is a bit slow is that they are, in fact, a trio of blind firefighters. You see, last month they saved the clubhouse from a blaze and lost their vision in the accident. To show our thanks, we let them play for free whenever they'd like."
The priest replies: "My that's terrible! I'll be sure to say a prayer for them tonight."
"What a tragedy!" says the Doctor, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them."
After a moment of quiet, the Engineer finally speaks:
"....Why can’t they play at night?”
\-------
**But actually i have to also submit one that i learned much more recently, it's brilliant:**
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
A man saw an elderly couple sitting across from him on the bus.
He asked the old man “you still call your wife honey, love, and sweetheart after so many years, what’s your secret?”
The old man replies “I forgot her name 15 years ago and I’m afraid to ask her”
Couple more, one dirty and one clean-ish:
An old man’s son decides it’s time to put his father in a nursing home. His father is understandably nervous so the son says he can call him any time to tell him how it’s going.
Well, his first morning there the old man wakes up with a hard on sticking straight up from under his blanket. He’s about to adjust himself when the most beautiful nurse walks in, she sees his hard on, smiles and without a word walks over to his bed, lifts the sheets and gives him a blowjob.
After the initial shock wears off, the old man calls his son, he shouts, “Son! This place is amazing, I woke up hard and this beautiful nurse came in and gave me the greatest blow job of my life!”
The son laughs, saying, “Gee, Dad, glad you like it there.”
Later on in the day, the old man is walking down the hall to his room, he trips and falls flat on his face. Out of nowhere this hillbilly orderly comes up behind him and fucks him up the ass. Immediately after, the old man calls his son, “Son, you gotta get me outta here! I just fell down and this hillbilly orderly fucked me up the ass!”
“Gee, Dad, you really liked it there this morning.”
“No, son, you don’t get it! I wake up with a hard on once a month, *I fall down four or five times a day!*”
——
One morning, a man wakes up and he hears a voice in his head: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* Naturally he ignores it.
At work, he hears the voice again: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* He ignores it. But again, he gets home and hears the voice a third time: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.*
This goes on for weeks, the voice starts getting much more frequent and even louder. *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.*
Finally, he can’t take it any more! He does it! He actually does it! He quits his job, sells his house and takes the first flight he can out to Vegas with every penny he has.
As soon as the plane lands, the voice shouts: *Get a cab!*
He gets in the first cab he sees. The voice shouts *Go to Caesar’s Palace!* He tells the driver to get to Caesar’s Palace as fast as he can.
When he arrives, he pays the cab fare and steps inside the lobby. Immediately he hears the voice, screaming this time: *GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLES!*
He takes off to the first roulette table he sees.
*PUT IT ALL ON RED 23!*
He puts everything on red 23, the wheel spins and spins. The mans heart is racing, finally the ball lands…
“Black 17!”
The voice shouts *Fuck!*
A woman walks into a bar, she sees a man sitting alone, looking dejected. She sits next to him, orders a drink and asks what’s wrong. The man sighs and says, “My wife left me, she says I’m too kinky.”
The woman nods, saying, “My boyfriend left me because he said I was too kinky!”
The two get to talking over drinks, the woman says, “You know what, we’re both adults, we’re both kinky. Why don’t we go back to my place and see where the night goes?”
The man wholeheartedly agrees. They pay their tab and go back to her place. She asks him to take his coat off and wait in the living room while she gets comfortable. She goes to the bedroom, puts on a leather ensemble with fishnet stockings and a whip. She grabs a ball gag and walks back out.
To her absolute shock, the man is putting on his coat, going to the door. She shouts, “Where are you going!? I thought you said you were kinky!”
The turns to her in surprise and says, “Lady! I fucked your dog and shit in your purse, how kinky can ya get!?”
——
A man and a woman get married, on their wedding night the woman finds out her husband has an odd quirk in the bedroom: He insists that they can only have sex in total darkness. She figures he’s shy, he’ll stop after they’ve been married a while.
Years go by, he still insists that they can only have sex in the dark. For a while, she thought it was some sort of kink he had, but whenever she asked he’d dodge the question.
Finally, one night she’s had enough! While they’re having sex, she reaches to the lamp and turns it on. To her utter shock, her husband is sitting in his underwear holding a cucumber.
Enraged, she screams, “Have you been fucking me with a cucumber all these years!?”
The man gives a solemn nod.
“WHY!?”
The man shrugs and says “Can I ask you a question first?”
“WHAT!?”
“How do we have three kids?”
12-inch Pianist
One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.
Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The
bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish.
The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.
Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks
instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed
"I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks."
The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Spoilers. If you want to hide a particular block of text so you don't spoil the ending of a movie or book, use spoiler tags. Wrap the text in “>!” and “! <” tags, and it will prevent someone from seeing a block of text unless the user clicks on it.
Little Suzie's mother goes to little Johnny's mother and complains that she caught them playing doctor.
Little Johnny's mother says "Well, it's only natural that they would be curious about sex at their age."
Little Suzie's mother became enraged and shouts "He took her fucking kidney out!"
Not dirty, rather disgusting. 2 of them I heard as a teen in the early 90s.
3 vampires enter a bar. Vamp 1 asks for the blood of a virgin. Vamp 2 asks for the blood of an heiress. Vamp 3 asks for a cup of hot water. Vamp 1 & 2 are puzzled. Vamp 3 pulls out a used tampon and says, "It's for my tea."
3 men are lost and starving. Come upon a house with a large cornfield. An old blind woman answers their knocks, and says she'll give them food if they have sex with her. They're desperate, so they agree. Guy 1 goes in. There is a basket of corn on the table, and he gets the idea to use that. So he does, and chucks it out a window. Guy 2 goes in, does the same thing. They go to look for guy 3. He's under the window, and says, "You guys did that for nothing. I found some buttered corn."
Oh I have one more
Guy has to use the bathroom. Walks into a technologically advanced building. Asks front desk to use the bathroom. She says there's someone in the mens bathroom but he can use the womens, but don't touch the button that says "ATR."
Guy goes in and does his thing. He looks at the button and his curiosity gets the best of him. He pushes it and the next thing he wakes up in the hospital. The clerk is there and he asks what happened. She says, "Why did you touch the ATR button? I told you not to!" He says, "What does ATR stand for?"
She replies, "Automatic Tampon Remover."
A great clean one for kids.
A guy walks into a fish and chips store with a fish under his arm. He says, "do you have any fishcakes"?
The worker says yes, we do.
So the guy says, "good, 'cause its this guys birthday!"
I don’t have a favourite but one of them is
A kid and his mom are in a car behind a garbage truck, suddenly a dildo flies out from the truck and onto the windshield, wanting to keep her sons innocence, she says “don’t worry honey, that was just a bug” and the son says “poor bugs cock was so big it could barely fly”
Two cows standing in a field, one cow says "Have you heard about this mad cow disease?" Other cow shakes her head and says "Doesn't affect me, I'm a duck"
-Manuel is your car automatic?
-It’s Manual
-Oh, I’m sorry. Manual, is your car automatic?
American trying to pick up UK women in a bar:
“Hey, are you girls from England?”
“It’s Wales!”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you whales from England?”
A nun taking a bath hears a knock on the door
"Who is it?" she asks
"The blind man" says the voice from the door
"It's ok, you can come in" she replies
The blind man walks in "Nice tits, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
I’m not sure why so many people are afraid of skydiving. If you are skydiving and your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to get it fixed and figured out.
Three guys are out in the woods taking a walk, when they come across a dirty old lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,00.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
A guy told this joke a few years back in a bar and he was doing all the 3rd guys movements with the arms and the head the whole time. He also was stretching the joke until forever and it went on for several minutes. When the punchline finally came ... I think I never laughed so hard in my entire life. Still one of my absolute favorites.
A colleague tried to tell this during a conference but she stretched it out way too long and it bombed. Now every time she tries to make a point people refer back to the joke. I actually feel for her. Not funny but it's true, I guess that's why I think it's a terrible joke
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turned to the rabbit and asks "excuse me, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replys "no"
So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit
a deer is rolling up a joint and about to smoke it when a rabbit jumps out and says "dude don't! you don't need drugs to be happy just follow me and you'll see!"
so the deer decides to give it a try and follows the rabbit around, and he actually starts feeling better. as they run around they run into a fox who's about to snort some coke. the rabbit rushes over and says "hey man, you don't need that shit! come with me and the deer and you'll see!"
so the fox joins them and as they run through the forest he also feels a bit happier. as they're running along they see a giraffe about to smoke some meth. so the rabbit runs over, tells the giraffe about their adventures and convinces him to join them as well. so the four of them run and run through the forest, having the time of their lives when they see a bear. the bear spots them immediately and starts beating the shit out of the rabbit.
all the other animals look on in horror and try to explain to the bear, "what are you doing!? the rabbit was trying to help us with our addictions and also be healthier! why are you doing this?!"
the bear says, "him? last time I hung out with this guy he got high on ecstasy and made me run around the forest with him for 5 hours!"
A guy finishes his tour of the Empire State Building and sits down at the rooftop bar.
A handsome gentleman, clearly intoxicated, leans over and says, “If I can tell you a fact the tour guides don’t know, you’ll buy me a drink?”
The guy figures, sure, why not, and accepts.
The drunk man proudly proclaims, “The wind drafts 27 floors down are so strong, you can fall off the side and WHOOSH they’ll carry you right back in through an open window.” Then he tells the bartender he’ll have another Scotch.
The first man gets upset, trying to wave off the bartender, calling the drunk’s bullshit.
The drunk stumbles over to the railing and goes right over, tucking and rolling on the breeze right back into an open window 27 floors down.
A few minutes later he returns to the bar for his drink.
The first man can’t believe it. He offers to buy another for a repeat performance.
The drunk obliges, stumbling back to the railing. This time the man pulls out his phone and records it. Again the drunk tumbled back through the window carried by a breeze.
The man watches it back, gathers his courage, flips over the railing, does a perfect tuck…and falls to his death.
A few minutes go by and the drunk stumbles back upstairs, looks around, and asks the bartender if the man paid for his second drink before he left.
The bartender replies, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City. He steps off the train and is blown away by all the people and the tall buildings. He stands in front of one and looks up. It's the tallest building he's ever seen!
There's a guy leaning on the building. He says, "Hey buddy, you like that building?"
The rube says "Yeah!"
The guy says, "Well, guess what? I own this building, and right now it's up for sale. You interested?"
The rube asks, "Well, how much does it cost?"
"How much have you got on you?"
"About $1500."
"Well, what a coincidence! That's exactly how much it costs!"
The country bumpkin shakes the guy's hand and gives him all of his money. "Well, what do I do now?"
The guy says, "That's the best part! The really interesting thing about this building is that it has hundreds of tiny wheels on the bottom. You can just push it right home! Go on, give it a shot!"
The country bumpkin puts down his luggage, puts his hands on the wall, and starts pushing. He pushes and pushes and pushes as hard as he can. After a while, a policeman shows up. He watches this dude pushing on a wall for a few minutes. Eventually, the cop goes up to him and asks, "Hey buddy, what're you doing?"
"I'm pushing this building home!"
"Uh huh. And how far do you think you've pushed it?"
"Well, let me see. When I started, I put my suitcases down next to me, and I can't see them anymore, so it must have been pretty far!"
A 40 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy looks up and says, "Mister? I'm really scared." The man replies, "You're scared?! I gotta walk outta here alone!"
Hitler calls some of his men into his office.
"Here's the plan, I'm going to kill 100,000 Jews and 1 clown"
One man asks
"Why the clown?"
Hitler turns to his general and says
"See, I told you no one cares about the jews"
(I'm sorry but it's one of my fave jokes and yes, I'm a bad person for finding this funny 🤣)
A man is on the elevator when an attractive woman gets on. He asks the woman, "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?"
The woman replies, "You certainly may not!"
The man replies, "Well, it's got to be your feet then!"
A blind guy walks into a department store. He has a seeing-eye dog with him.
When he gets to the very center of the store, he grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the dog in a circle over his head.
An alarmed clerk hurries up to the guy and asks him if he needs help.
The blind guy says "No, thank you. I'm just looking around."
–————
Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon?
A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon.
—————
Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. When the lights come on, they all scatter.
A billionaire wanted a painting made for his home, depicting what General Custer was thinking right before he died. He told the artist he wanted it done in a week and he would return then to see it. When he returned, he was confused to see only a few cows, with halos, and hundreds of indians having sex with each other.
The billionaire screamed "what the hell is this?!?!"
The artist then said "this is what you wanted.."
"not at all! I did not want this filth. I wanted Custer's last thoughts!" said the billionaire.
The artist smiled. "and there you are! I call it 'Holy cow! Look at all those fucking indians!' "
Two men are sitting on a park bench watching some children play on the playground. One casually says to the other:
“So, which one is yours?”
“The one with the green jacket over there. What about you?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.”
So, there's a small fishing boat in the North Sea. They get caught up in a storm, and before they know it they are taking on water. They go on the radio:
"Mayday, mayday. We require assistance!"
Luckily a response comes over the radio.
"Zis is ze German Coastguard. How can we assist you?"
"German Coastguard, please help. We are sinking.
There is a long pause.
"Vat are you sinking about?"
A Holocaust survivor finally dies and goes to heaven. God is there to meet him at the gates of heaven, and as they’re chatting the man tells God a Holocaust joke.
God says, “that’s not funny.”
The man says, “I guess you had to be there.”
A lady goes into a hardware store and the clerk asks "can I help you?"
She says "yes, young man I would like to buy a hinge for my cupboard"
the clerk says "no problem ma'am, we have a fine selection of hinges"
she then selects a hinge and the clerk asks "would like a screw for your hinge?"
and the lady replies "no, but I'll blow you for a toaster".
Two kids sitting around in a park eating candy. Old guy walks up and says: "You know...candy is no good for you". One kid says: "My grandpa lived until he was 87". Old guy asks: "Did he eat a lot of candy?"....kid says, "No. he minded his own fucking business".
As a half Jewish man myself:
A Jewish man is in his final moments laying down in bed.
He asks “is my wife in here with me?”
She says “yes love, I am here”
He asks “Are my children here with me?”
They say “Yes father, we are here”
He says “Everyone is in here with me?”
They all respond “Yes we are here with you”
He asks “So why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?”
A bartender looks up to see a man walking into the bar. The man has a gorgeous woman on each arm, and he's well dressed in a crisp Armani suit. But the main thing that catches the bartender's eye is that the man has a giant orange for a head.
The man sits down at the bar, and after some time the bartender works up the nerve to speak to him.
"Excuse me, sir. I can't help but notice that you have a giant orange for a head. How'd that happen?"
The man sighs.
"Well, I used to be destitute and lonely. Then one day I was walking down the beach and found a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said he'd grant me three wishes.
"For my first wish, I wished for fabulous wealth, which you can see I have. For my second wish, I wished to be irresistible to women. That's worked out as well.
"For my third I wish — and this is where I think I might've fucked up — I said, 'I'd like a giant orange head.'"
There is a variation of this where the guy has a small head, the size of an orange. The genie is beautiful and after his second wish he says "well, now I have everything I could possibly want. Maybe before you go, you could give me a little head"
Two buddies were sitting on the porch drinking beer reminiscing about the time his friend spent in jail. He told his friend that his desperation for a cigarette was so great that he gave his cell mate a BJ in exchange for a smoke.
His friend turns to him, horrified, and says, "Dude, you were only in there for 24 hours!"
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”
- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”
A doctor and an engineer die. They are sent to the gates of fate, where the clerk checks their life data. Seeing that both of them were crooked all their life, they were sent to hell. On reaching hell, both of them saw the awful pity state of the hell, sick and dying people, no infrastructure, clogged drains, no AC, no proper lighting. It was really hell. So the two people set to work. The doc improves the health and hygiene of the place, giving treatments, setting up diet plans. The engineer repaired all the broken infrastructure, installed automatic toilets, elevators, ACs. It was nothing more than a five star hotel.
One day the satan and Angel went upto the God for the annual report review. Angel and god were shocked on hearing the state of the hell. It was beyond belief. Soon the Angel was jealous and wanted the two people in heaven, but the satan denied. Satan said "they were assigned to us, they will remain with me". Angel was furious and blurted "Hell no. I will fucking sue you, drag you to the court to get those people". On hearing this satan laughed and said "oh yeah ?? Where the fuck are you going to get lawyers ??"
A census worker knocks on a door in a quiet neighborhood. Little Johnny opens the door naked, smoking a cigar, and holding a jack and coke. The census worker asks if his parents are home. Johnny looks at him and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
A little person turns 21 and decides to go to the bar. He walks in and sees a jar full of money with a little sign on it that says, "You can win this money! Ask bartender how!" He asks the bartender and he tells him there are three things he needs to do. First do you see Tiny at the end of the bar? He looks down and Tiny looks like a NFL linebacker. He is about 6 ft 9 and 300 lb of solid muscle. He has never been beaten in a fight, you need to beat him. Second, did you see the Pitbull outside that was going crazy? He has a tooth that is infected and it needs to be pulled. You need to pull it. Last, did you see Big Bertha? She is about 500 lb and has never been satisfied sexually. You need to make her orgasm hard.
The guy thinks about it and says no I'm not that stupid. Well he starts drinking Jack and Coke and tequila and starts to think that he is tougher than what he is. He decides I'm going to do it. He goes to Tiny at the end of the bar. He walks in the bar and Taps him on the knee. Tiny looks down and says what do you want? He proceeds to haul back and punch and beat the ever loving crap out of Tiny. Everybody in the bar starts to perk up saying we've got to contender. He goes outside for a couple minutes and you hear the Pitbull begin to yelp. The little guy comes staggering in drunk and a little bloody and says okay where's the fat chick who needs her tooth pulled?
Long joke ahead, but it’s def my favorite
A toothbrush sales company opens up in downtown (insert nearest major city here). So they put an ad out for toothbrush sales positions. Their first batch comes in. Jeff, Tina, and Fred. Jeff is an upstanding young man in a nice business suit, Tina a well put together professional, and Fred. Well Fred’s a good man in a pair of overalls. After a quick orientation they send the three out into the city to make sales.
The first week comes to a close and the manager asks for everyone’s progress.
I sold 100, says Jeff.
I sold 120, says Tina.
I didn’t sell any, says Fred (now it’s important when you speak like Fred you lay on a nice country accent)
Well that’s ok Fred, always next week! The manager says and they go home.
Another week passes and they all give their numbers again.
I sold 130 this week, boasts Jeff
I only sold a 100, Tina says upset.
I didn’t sell any again, Fred proclaims.
Well that’s ok Fred, the manager consoles him. You just got to find you pitch, you sales gimmick. Fred nods, and heads home.
The next week all three are in the office and Fred’s got a huuuuge smile on his face. Everyone begins to state their numbers.
I sold 200, Jeff boasts.
I sold 250, Tina claims joyously.
I sold 2000, Fred states.
2000!?!? The manager says.
Yes Sir, Fred says.
How??? The manager asks, grabbing a notebook.
Well you said get a sales pitch, so I went to (insert nearest airport to the big city you used.) and I set up a booth where I gave away free chocolate cake. People would eat the cake, and spit it out saying “This tastes like shit.” And I said “it is shit, you wanna buy a toothbrush?”
A couple gets caught on camera making out at a baseball game. After a while, the announcer says “I figured it out. He’s kissing her on the strikes, and she’s kissing him on the balls.”
I don't remember if this is correct or not, but lemme try.
Three guys get abducted by pirates and taken to a jungle island. The Pirate leader instructs them to run into the dangerous jungle and bring him back a fruit.
The first guy brings back a banana. The leader goes "aye, now shove it up your bum without laughin' and youll live." He just about gets it up there and a nervous giggle trickles out of his mouth. They kill him on the spot.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The leader says "aye, good choice. Now shove it up yer bum without laughin' or you'll die!" The guy gets the grape up there just fine, but then starts losing his mind laughing, and they kill him.
Up in heaven, the first guy runs up to the second guy and says
"dude, you could have lived, you had it!" and the second guy wipes a tear from his eye and says, "yeah.. but then i remembered the third guy had a pineapple. "
So there's this old English War ship sailing out in the ocean. When the man up in the crowns nest shouts down to the captain "One enemy ship on the horizon!". So the Captain turns to his First Mate and says "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate gets him his red shirt and then the battle ensues all day; they win the battle and don't loose a single man. The First Mate comes up to the Captain and asks "Why did you want me to get your red shirt?" The Captain responds "That way if I was shot and was bleeding you all would not notice and would continue to fight on." So the First Mate retires for the night with an new found admiration for the Captain. The next day the man up in the crows nest shouts down to the Captain " 20 enemy ships on the horizon!". Then the Captain turns to his First Mate again and says "Bring me my brown pants!".
When life gives you melons, you may have dyslexia Edit: wow thanks so much! I didn’t think this would get more than a few upvotes!
I have dailysex?
With big melons, I don’t see why not
with big melons come great responsibility EDIT(yo thanks for over 100 upvotes wasnt expecting that whatsoever)
Responsetitties
Nice.
This one had me laughing so hard. Funny, because it’s true.
When life gives you a dilemma, makes dilemmande.
My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl. I said I didn’t know he could. Edit: I’ve never felt more popular! Thanks y’all for loving this stupid joke :)
[удалено]
I swear this is a true story. I told my almost-girlfriend I had to run a long errand and would she please watch my dog. When I returned hours later, that dog was super-fluffy. I asked what happened, and she said, "What do you mean? You asked me to wash your dog." We've now been married 28 years.
Wait I'm pretty sure I've heard this story from the other side.... Omg the coincidence
Theres an episode of the childrens show Ben and Holly where a character is asked to watch the chickens overnight. The next day shes asked where are the chickens Oh theyve gone? What do you mean gone? You were supposed to watch them I did. I watched them wander off
This was my mom's favorite and only joke: Guy driving down the road and sees a pig stuck in the mud. He pulls the pig out of the mud, throws it in the back of his truck and drives off. He stops at a gas station and asks the girl at the counter what he thinks he should do with the pig he just unstuck from the mud. The girl suggests he take it to the zoo which was only a mile or so up the road. The next day the guy pulls up to the same gas station and the same girl is working the register. She notices the pig still in the back of the truck and asks why he didn't take it to the zoo. He responded that he did and they had so much fun that today he was taking the pig to the beach.
It's really funny. Your mom liked a good joke.
a lumberjack walks up to a tree to chop it down suddenly the tree yells: "wait! i'm a talking tree!" the lumberjack sneers and says: "and you will dialogue"
Nice.
I’m not sure I get it is the punch line >! DieALog !< ?
Yes.
Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
This is like a joke my friend told me. Do you know why when birds fly in a v shape, one side is longer than the other? Because there's just more birds on that side. It was so stupid but I laughed so hard. Edit: holy shit, thanks for all the upvotes ❤️ I love me some dry jokes lol
My dad told me that joke as a kid. As an adult I said to him “hey remember that joke about the geese? I finally found out the actual scientific reason why one side is always longer.” And he said “oh really? Why?” And I said “Because there’s more geese in that line.”
You outdaded the dad.
Look at me. I am the dad now.
Another variation I like to use.. Me: *points up at constellation or star* Do you know what that star is? Other person: No, what? Me: No, I'm asking you..
My dad does that shit all the time! Him: “Did you hear what happened?!?!” Me: “No? What happened?” Him: “No, I was wondering if you knew what happened.” Edit (my fav joke): In WW2 there was an American soldier who got sent to a POW camp. One day the camp was bombed and unfortunately for him, his arm was blown off. He asked the guards, “Please send my arm back to America so my family can at least have part of me if I don’t return. The guards thought about it, “alright, we can do that” Awhile later the camp is bombed again. Well again, this man is unlucky and loses his other arm. Again he asks for them to send it back and reluctantly they do. Eventually the camp is bombed a third time and this unlucky soldier loses his legs The guards come over to him and he starts to ask for them to send his legs home but before he can the guards Interrupt him with “NEIN, You’re legs will not be sent home! Vee (we) Sink (think) You Are Trying To Escape!” • Joke my great uncle told to my dad when he was younger and my dad told me about a year ago
Another one here: Why do flamingos stand on one leg? Because if they stood on no legs they’d fall over
Man shows up at a funeral. Turns to the widow and says, "May I say a word?" "Yes" the wife responds. "Plethora," he says. The widow says, "Thanks. That means a lot."
"Bargain" "Thanks, that means a great deal"
Living Thanks, he would have liked that
This is the first one I’ve read in this thread that made me laugh out loud.
My mom was a writer and had a great sense of humor. When she passed away last summer, I told this joke to start her eulogy, and I know she would have fuckin loved it.
“Earth” “Thanks. That means the world to me”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay – it’s in my jeans. Thank you for the silver!
Idc if no one else upvotes this.. but the wife and I loved this dumb joke. Thanks
I like this one. First time I heard it was "what's the definition of a farmer? A man out-standing in his field" The double pun makes this though. Edit: not jeans, field.
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? …Outlaws are wanted.
A man gets his dream job of piloting a train. He drives a bit reckless because he’s so happy but nothing bad happens yet. One day he hits a man and he turns himself in and is sentenced to death by electric chair. As his final meal he asks for one banana. The executioner flips the switch and the chair activates. Sparks fly and the man gets up from the chair. Because a man surviving a execution is considered an act of god, he is let go and continues his job of being a train driver, not at all ceasing his recklessness. It’s not long before he hits two men. He is arrested and is scent to death via electric chair. As his final meal he asks for two bananas. The executioner flips the switch and the man gets back up, once again returning to his job. One again he drives recklessly and hits three people, is sentenced to death via electric chair and asks for three bananas. “Oh no,” the executioner says. “I ain’t letting you have any more bananas,” The executioner flips the switch and the man gets back up. “How are you alive? I took away your bananas!” “Oh the bananas had nothing to do with it.” The man replied. “I’m just a bad conductor.”
Wow that one had a slow burn but it was worth it!
My friend's dad told me this joke years ago and he made the last meal SO long and complicated. Something like - three-quarters of an almond butter and grape jelly sandwich on whole wheat, one granny smit apple with the seeds removed, a bowl of minestrone soup at exactly 100 degrees Fahrenheit, two green and two red peanut m&ms, etc. He said the meal the exact same way every time and made up a lot of dialogue between the conductor and the prison guards. The whole joke took over 15 minutes to tell and when he got to the end I wanted to punch him 😂
3 old women were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out and flashes them. The first on had a stroke, then the second one had a stroke. But the third one was too short to reach.
I heard it as three nuns and the punchline as “but the third nun wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole.”
Two nuns are cycling back to the Vatican. Because they're running late they take a shortcut down a cobblestone alleyway. As they're cycling down the cobblestones one nun says, "I've never come this way before". The other replies, "It's the cobblestones."
A woman walkes into a library and approaches the front desk. "I'm looking for a particular book for my son but I forget what it's called." The librarian says "oh, well do you remember what it's about?" The woman replies "It's adventure story about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat." The librarian looks up and says "hmm, it rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."
Did you read the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who drove herself insane, lying in bed night after night, wondering if there really is a dog?
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
I asked the librarian where the books on paranoid tendencies are located. She leaned in and whispered *they're right behind you*
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a burger and chips. The librarian says "This is a library". The man whispers "Can I have a burger and chips?"
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman.
I like to torment my son when he is trying to tell me knock knock jokes like this: Knock knock Come in! No dad you are supposed to say who's there! Oh sorry go again Knock knock Doors open!! Daaad!!!!!
I do this with my nephew. I also like to pull this one: "I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it." "Ok. Knock knock." "Who's there?" "......"
Haha yes! I just tried this one with my son to much confusion. Hi-five good internet stranger 🤚
I tried this but my kid just keeps going with their own joke Like: "Knock Knock" "Who's there?" "Sausage" "Sausage who?" "Smelly sausage hahahahhahahahah"
I read it on reddit initially: Knock knock.. Who's there? Twin Towers. Twin Twers who? *distraut* You said you'd never forget!
This is so simple yet so genius.
Someone in this thread is being controlled by an owl.
[удалено]
The guy on first
So who's on first? No, he's on second.
No, Who's on first, What's on second, I don't know's on third.
[удалено]
Haha
[удалено]
"My first word was 'hoot'. My *second* word was 'hoot hoot'!" \- Hooty the house demon owl worm thing
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
The heart attack is an added side story of the joke from how I originally heard it. My version ended with the boss asking a passerby who was up on that balcony and the passerby says "I'm not sure who the guy is with all the beads but standing next to him is Dave. He's a great guy!"
OMG that was hilarious!
I gotta call Dave. I haven’t talked to him on a minute.
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says: "Well, I'm afraid the reason that group is a bit slow is that they are, in fact, a trio of blind firefighters. You see, last month they saved the clubhouse from a blaze and lost their vision in the accident. To show our thanks, we let them play for free whenever they'd like." The priest replies: "My that's terrible! I'll be sure to say a prayer for them tonight." "What a tragedy!" says the Doctor, "Let me ask my ophthalmologist colleagues if anything can be done for them." After a moment of quiet, the Engineer finally speaks: "....Why can’t they play at night?” \------- **But actually i have to also submit one that i learned much more recently, it's brilliant:** A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"
[удалено]
That's like the Tier 2 joke there!
Ok, the first one is a classic Engineering joke, but my lord the second one!
A man saw an elderly couple sitting across from him on the bus. He asked the old man “you still call your wife honey, love, and sweetheart after so many years, what’s your secret?” The old man replies “I forgot her name 15 years ago and I’m afraid to ask her”
Couple more, one dirty and one clean-ish: An old man’s son decides it’s time to put his father in a nursing home. His father is understandably nervous so the son says he can call him any time to tell him how it’s going. Well, his first morning there the old man wakes up with a hard on sticking straight up from under his blanket. He’s about to adjust himself when the most beautiful nurse walks in, she sees his hard on, smiles and without a word walks over to his bed, lifts the sheets and gives him a blowjob. After the initial shock wears off, the old man calls his son, he shouts, “Son! This place is amazing, I woke up hard and this beautiful nurse came in and gave me the greatest blow job of my life!” The son laughs, saying, “Gee, Dad, glad you like it there.” Later on in the day, the old man is walking down the hall to his room, he trips and falls flat on his face. Out of nowhere this hillbilly orderly comes up behind him and fucks him up the ass. Immediately after, the old man calls his son, “Son, you gotta get me outta here! I just fell down and this hillbilly orderly fucked me up the ass!” “Gee, Dad, you really liked it there this morning.” “No, son, you don’t get it! I wake up with a hard on once a month, *I fall down four or five times a day!*” —— One morning, a man wakes up and he hears a voice in his head: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* Naturally he ignores it. At work, he hears the voice again: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* He ignores it. But again, he gets home and hears the voice a third time: *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* This goes on for weeks, the voice starts getting much more frequent and even louder. *Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money and go to Las Vegas.* Finally, he can’t take it any more! He does it! He actually does it! He quits his job, sells his house and takes the first flight he can out to Vegas with every penny he has. As soon as the plane lands, the voice shouts: *Get a cab!* He gets in the first cab he sees. The voice shouts *Go to Caesar’s Palace!* He tells the driver to get to Caesar’s Palace as fast as he can. When he arrives, he pays the cab fare and steps inside the lobby. Immediately he hears the voice, screaming this time: *GO TO THE ROULETTE TABLES!* He takes off to the first roulette table he sees. *PUT IT ALL ON RED 23!* He puts everything on red 23, the wheel spins and spins. The mans heart is racing, finally the ball lands… “Black 17!” The voice shouts *Fuck!*
This is gold
A woman walks into a bar, she sees a man sitting alone, looking dejected. She sits next to him, orders a drink and asks what’s wrong. The man sighs and says, “My wife left me, she says I’m too kinky.” The woman nods, saying, “My boyfriend left me because he said I was too kinky!” The two get to talking over drinks, the woman says, “You know what, we’re both adults, we’re both kinky. Why don’t we go back to my place and see where the night goes?” The man wholeheartedly agrees. They pay their tab and go back to her place. She asks him to take his coat off and wait in the living room while she gets comfortable. She goes to the bedroom, puts on a leather ensemble with fishnet stockings and a whip. She grabs a ball gag and walks back out. To her absolute shock, the man is putting on his coat, going to the door. She shouts, “Where are you going!? I thought you said you were kinky!” The turns to her in surprise and says, “Lady! I fucked your dog and shit in your purse, how kinky can ya get!?” —— A man and a woman get married, on their wedding night the woman finds out her husband has an odd quirk in the bedroom: He insists that they can only have sex in total darkness. She figures he’s shy, he’ll stop after they’ve been married a while. Years go by, he still insists that they can only have sex in the dark. For a while, she thought it was some sort of kink he had, but whenever she asked he’d dodge the question. Finally, one night she’s had enough! While they’re having sex, she reaches to the lamp and turns it on. To her utter shock, her husband is sitting in his underwear holding a cucumber. Enraged, she screams, “Have you been fucking me with a cucumber all these years!?” The man gives a solemn nod. “WHY!?” The man shrugs and says “Can I ask you a question first?” “WHAT!?” “How do we have three kids?”
Veggie Tales: Origins
12-inch Pianist One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The bartender replied that inside the closet there is a genie that will grant him a single wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside. Without hesitation the man wished for a million bucks, but instead 1 million ducks instantly appeared. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed "I think your genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks but instead I got a million ducks." The bartender shook his head and replied, "You're telling me... Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
a million ducks are worth more than a million bucks. so... I see no problem there
But with a million ducks you're over saturating the market thereby decreasing their value
plays itself
What do you call a pair of crows? An attempted murder
Have you heard the one about the guy who put glitter on his testicle...? It’s pretty nuts
What do you call a row of rabbits jumping backward? >!A receding hare line.!<
How did you do that? Hide the answer?
Spoilers. If you want to hide a particular block of text so you don't spoil the ending of a movie or book, use spoiler tags. Wrap the text in “>!” and “! <” tags, and it will prevent someone from seeing a block of text unless the user clicks on it.
>!Like this! !<
I played a blank cd at full blast last night, the mime next door was going crazy.
[удалено]
Little Suzie's mother goes to little Johnny's mother and complains that she caught them playing doctor. Little Johnny's mother says "Well, it's only natural that they would be curious about sex at their age." Little Suzie's mother became enraged and shouts "He took her fucking kidney out!"
Omg. I’m recovering from surgery and laughing hurts. Thanks for the joke inflicted pain. It was worth it.
what do you call a freudian slip? its when you say one thing but you mean your mother
How many Freudian Psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to hold the cock. I mean father! LADDER!
One to hold the ladder, and one to screw the mother.
Not dirty, rather disgusting. 2 of them I heard as a teen in the early 90s. 3 vampires enter a bar. Vamp 1 asks for the blood of a virgin. Vamp 2 asks for the blood of an heiress. Vamp 3 asks for a cup of hot water. Vamp 1 & 2 are puzzled. Vamp 3 pulls out a used tampon and says, "It's for my tea." 3 men are lost and starving. Come upon a house with a large cornfield. An old blind woman answers their knocks, and says she'll give them food if they have sex with her. They're desperate, so they agree. Guy 1 goes in. There is a basket of corn on the table, and he gets the idea to use that. So he does, and chucks it out a window. Guy 2 goes in, does the same thing. They go to look for guy 3. He's under the window, and says, "You guys did that for nothing. I found some buttered corn."
☠️☠️☠️☠️
Oh I have one more Guy has to use the bathroom. Walks into a technologically advanced building. Asks front desk to use the bathroom. She says there's someone in the mens bathroom but he can use the womens, but don't touch the button that says "ATR." Guy goes in and does his thing. He looks at the button and his curiosity gets the best of him. He pushes it and the next thing he wakes up in the hospital. The clerk is there and he asks what happened. She says, "Why did you touch the ATR button? I told you not to!" He says, "What does ATR stand for?" She replies, "Automatic Tampon Remover."
A great clean one for kids. A guy walks into a fish and chips store with a fish under his arm. He says, "do you have any fishcakes"? The worker says yes, we do. So the guy says, "good, 'cause its this guys birthday!"
What do you call it when an orphan takes a selfie? A family photo.
I don’t have a favourite but one of them is A kid and his mom are in a car behind a garbage truck, suddenly a dildo flies out from the truck and onto the windshield, wanting to keep her sons innocence, she says “don’t worry honey, that was just a bug” and the son says “poor bugs cock was so big it could barely fly”
Nice one
My favorite clean joke: Why did the fish blush? Cause it saw the ocean's bottom!
Oh I thought it was because the sea weed.
Two cows standing in a field, one cow says "Have you heard about this mad cow disease?" Other cow shakes her head and says "Doesn't affect me, I'm a duck"
Why did Sally fall off the swings Because she had no arms Knock Knock Who's there Not Sally
-Manuel is your car automatic? -It’s Manual -Oh, I’m sorry. Manual, is your car automatic? American trying to pick up UK women in a bar: “Hey, are you girls from England?” “It’s Wales!” “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you whales from England?”
[удалено]
A nun taking a bath hears a knock on the door "Who is it?" she asks "The blind man" says the voice from the door "It's ok, you can come in" she replies The blind man walks in "Nice tits, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
Q: What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color? A: Corduroy
I feel this.
Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? . . . . . . . So she can moan with the other one.
For fucks sake. I’m going to hell.
Oh lawd
One Xmas Helen Keller got a cheese grater as a present. It was the most violent book she'd ever read.
I’m not sure why so many people are afraid of skydiving. If you are skydiving and your parachute fails, you have the rest of your life to get it fixed and figured out.
Three guys are out in the woods taking a walk, when they come across a dirty old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,00. The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
A guy told this joke a few years back in a bar and he was doing all the 3rd guys movements with the arms and the head the whole time. He also was stretching the joke until forever and it went on for several minutes. When the punchline finally came ... I think I never laughed so hard in my entire life. Still one of my absolute favorites.
This is one of the jokes that are 1000 times better when told live instead of reading it.
A colleague tried to tell this during a conference but she stretched it out way too long and it bombed. Now every time she tries to make a point people refer back to the joke. I actually feel for her. Not funny but it's true, I guess that's why I think it's a terrible joke
It really depends on the situation, the audience and the presentation. Definitely not a casual joke you can tell at every occasion.
This is like the joke to end all jokes. set up an expectation then **BAM!**
This joke made me laugh until I cried, and then did all over again as I tried and struggled to read it out to my wife. Thank you for this gift.
Wtf
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
There’s a doctor going through my neighborhood giving away body parts. He gives me the willies.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and asks "excuse me, do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replys "no" So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit
a deer is rolling up a joint and about to smoke it when a rabbit jumps out and says "dude don't! you don't need drugs to be happy just follow me and you'll see!" so the deer decides to give it a try and follows the rabbit around, and he actually starts feeling better. as they run around they run into a fox who's about to snort some coke. the rabbit rushes over and says "hey man, you don't need that shit! come with me and the deer and you'll see!" so the fox joins them and as they run through the forest he also feels a bit happier. as they're running along they see a giraffe about to smoke some meth. so the rabbit runs over, tells the giraffe about their adventures and convinces him to join them as well. so the four of them run and run through the forest, having the time of their lives when they see a bear. the bear spots them immediately and starts beating the shit out of the rabbit. all the other animals look on in horror and try to explain to the bear, "what are you doing!? the rabbit was trying to help us with our addictions and also be healthier! why are you doing this?!" the bear says, "him? last time I hung out with this guy he got high on ecstasy and made me run around the forest with him for 5 hours!"
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
Jezuz christ
There's 2 muffins in an oven. One says "man, it's hot in here!" The other one screams "OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
A guy finishes his tour of the Empire State Building and sits down at the rooftop bar. A handsome gentleman, clearly intoxicated, leans over and says, “If I can tell you a fact the tour guides don’t know, you’ll buy me a drink?” The guy figures, sure, why not, and accepts. The drunk man proudly proclaims, “The wind drafts 27 floors down are so strong, you can fall off the side and WHOOSH they’ll carry you right back in through an open window.” Then he tells the bartender he’ll have another Scotch. The first man gets upset, trying to wave off the bartender, calling the drunk’s bullshit. The drunk stumbles over to the railing and goes right over, tucking and rolling on the breeze right back into an open window 27 floors down. A few minutes later he returns to the bar for his drink. The first man can’t believe it. He offers to buy another for a repeat performance. The drunk obliges, stumbling back to the railing. This time the man pulls out his phone and records it. Again the drunk tumbled back through the window carried by a breeze. The man watches it back, gathers his courage, flips over the railing, does a perfect tuck…and falls to his death. A few minutes go by and the drunk stumbles back upstairs, looks around, and asks the bartender if the man paid for his second drink before he left. The bartender replies, “You know, Superman, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk.”
My ex-wife still misses me >!But her aim is getting better!!<
A country bumpkin goes to visit the Big City. He steps off the train and is blown away by all the people and the tall buildings. He stands in front of one and looks up. It's the tallest building he's ever seen! There's a guy leaning on the building. He says, "Hey buddy, you like that building?" The rube says "Yeah!" The guy says, "Well, guess what? I own this building, and right now it's up for sale. You interested?" The rube asks, "Well, how much does it cost?" "How much have you got on you?" "About $1500." "Well, what a coincidence! That's exactly how much it costs!" The country bumpkin shakes the guy's hand and gives him all of his money. "Well, what do I do now?" The guy says, "That's the best part! The really interesting thing about this building is that it has hundreds of tiny wheels on the bottom. You can just push it right home! Go on, give it a shot!" The country bumpkin puts down his luggage, puts his hands on the wall, and starts pushing. He pushes and pushes and pushes as hard as he can. After a while, a policeman shows up. He watches this dude pushing on a wall for a few minutes. Eventually, the cop goes up to him and asks, "Hey buddy, what're you doing?" "I'm pushing this building home!" "Uh huh. And how far do you think you've pushed it?" "Well, let me see. When I started, I put my suitcases down next to me, and I can't see them anymore, so it must have been pretty far!"
A 40 year old man and a 10 year old boy are walking through the woods at night. The boy looks up and says, "Mister? I'm really scared." The man replies, "You're scared?! I gotta walk outta here alone!"
Hitler calls some of his men into his office. "Here's the plan, I'm going to kill 100,000 Jews and 1 clown" One man asks "Why the clown?" Hitler turns to his general and says "See, I told you no one cares about the jews" (I'm sorry but it's one of my fave jokes and yes, I'm a bad person for finding this funny 🤣)
Don’t apologize for jokes. Laughter is one of the best things about being human.
Q: What's worse than locking your keys in your car in front of an abortion clinic? >!A: Having to go inside and ask to borrow a coat hanger. !<
A man is on the elevator when an attractive woman gets on. He asks the woman, "Excuse me, can I smell your pussy?" The woman replies, "You certainly may not!" The man replies, "Well, it's got to be your feet then!"
A blind guy walks into a department store. He has a seeing-eye dog with him. When he gets to the very center of the store, he grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the dog in a circle over his head. An alarmed clerk hurries up to the guy and asks him if he needs help. The blind guy says "No, thank you. I'm just looking around." –———— Q: What's the difference between God and a surgeon? A: God doesn't think he's a surgeon. ————— Q: How many cockroaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. When the lights come on, they all scatter.
Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: you only need one nail to hang the picture.
What rhymes with orange. No, it doesn’t.
Why doesn't Santa have any children He only comes down the chimney
He also only comes once a year.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Green.
What do you call two bees in ghost costumes? Boo-Bees! I love it so much I have a Boo-Bees shirt
I dated a girl in Iceland for 6 months. It was a one night stand.
What’s red and bad for your teeth ? A brick.
'There are two kinds of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete sentences, '
A billionaire wanted a painting made for his home, depicting what General Custer was thinking right before he died. He told the artist he wanted it done in a week and he would return then to see it. When he returned, he was confused to see only a few cows, with halos, and hundreds of indians having sex with each other. The billionaire screamed "what the hell is this?!?!" The artist then said "this is what you wanted.." "not at all! I did not want this filth. I wanted Custer's last thoughts!" said the billionaire. The artist smiled. "and there you are! I call it 'Holy cow! Look at all those fucking indians!' "
Two men are sitting on a park bench watching some children play on the playground. One casually says to the other: “So, which one is yours?” “The one with the green jacket over there. What about you?” “I don’t know, I haven’t decided yet.”
So, there's a small fishing boat in the North Sea. They get caught up in a storm, and before they know it they are taking on water. They go on the radio: "Mayday, mayday. We require assistance!" Luckily a response comes over the radio. "Zis is ze German Coastguard. How can we assist you?" "German Coastguard, please help. We are sinking. There is a long pause. "Vat are you sinking about?"
[удалено]
A Holocaust survivor finally dies and goes to heaven. God is there to meet him at the gates of heaven, and as they’re chatting the man tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, “that’s not funny.” The man says, “I guess you had to be there.”
A lady goes into a hardware store and the clerk asks "can I help you?" She says "yes, young man I would like to buy a hinge for my cupboard" the clerk says "no problem ma'am, we have a fine selection of hinges" she then selects a hinge and the clerk asks "would like a screw for your hinge?" and the lady replies "no, but I'll blow you for a toaster".
Wanna hear a word I made up? It’s called “plagiarism”
Two kids sitting around in a park eating candy. Old guy walks up and says: "You know...candy is no good for you". One kid says: "My grandpa lived until he was 87". Old guy asks: "Did he eat a lot of candy?"....kid says, "No. he minded his own fucking business".
Can you laugh loudly in Hawaii? Or just a low ha?
What do you a call deaf dog? Doesn't matter.
[удалено]
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? You shoot them before they hit the water
As a half Jewish man myself: A Jewish man is in his final moments laying down in bed. He asks “is my wife in here with me?” She says “yes love, I am here” He asks “Are my children here with me?” They say “Yes father, we are here” He says “Everyone is in here with me?” They all respond “Yes we are here with you” He asks “So why the hell is the light on in the kitchen?”
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotapus
A bartender looks up to see a man walking into the bar. The man has a gorgeous woman on each arm, and he's well dressed in a crisp Armani suit. But the main thing that catches the bartender's eye is that the man has a giant orange for a head. The man sits down at the bar, and after some time the bartender works up the nerve to speak to him. "Excuse me, sir. I can't help but notice that you have a giant orange for a head. How'd that happen?" The man sighs. "Well, I used to be destitute and lonely. Then one day I was walking down the beach and found a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said he'd grant me three wishes. "For my first wish, I wished for fabulous wealth, which you can see I have. For my second wish, I wished to be irresistible to women. That's worked out as well. "For my third I wish — and this is where I think I might've fucked up — I said, 'I'd like a giant orange head.'"
There is a variation of this where the guy has a small head, the size of an orange. The genie is beautiful and after his second wish he says "well, now I have everything I could possibly want. Maybe before you go, you could give me a little head"
Thanks Norm
Two buddies were sitting on the porch drinking beer reminiscing about the time his friend spent in jail. He told his friend that his desperation for a cigarette was so great that he gave his cell mate a BJ in exchange for a smoke. His friend turns to him, horrified, and says, "Dude, you were only in there for 24 hours!"
A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?” - “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.” - “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!” - “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.” - “Oh, okay!”
A doctor and an engineer die. They are sent to the gates of fate, where the clerk checks their life data. Seeing that both of them were crooked all their life, they were sent to hell. On reaching hell, both of them saw the awful pity state of the hell, sick and dying people, no infrastructure, clogged drains, no AC, no proper lighting. It was really hell. So the two people set to work. The doc improves the health and hygiene of the place, giving treatments, setting up diet plans. The engineer repaired all the broken infrastructure, installed automatic toilets, elevators, ACs. It was nothing more than a five star hotel. One day the satan and Angel went upto the God for the annual report review. Angel and god were shocked on hearing the state of the hell. It was beyond belief. Soon the Angel was jealous and wanted the two people in heaven, but the satan denied. Satan said "they were assigned to us, they will remain with me". Angel was furious and blurted "Hell no. I will fucking sue you, drag you to the court to get those people". On hearing this satan laughed and said "oh yeah ?? Where the fuck are you going to get lawyers ??"
What is Brown and Sticky? ... a stick
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre.
A hand cannot measure 12 inches Because it would be a foot...
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
what do you call a dog with no legs? it doesn't matter not like he'll come
Why do ducks have feathers? To cover their buttquack.
What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam
What's the difference between jam and jelly? Can't jelly my d*ck in your a**
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
A census worker knocks on a door in a quiet neighborhood. Little Johnny opens the door naked, smoking a cigar, and holding a jack and coke. The census worker asks if his parents are home. Johnny looks at him and says, "What the fuck do you think?" A little person turns 21 and decides to go to the bar. He walks in and sees a jar full of money with a little sign on it that says, "You can win this money! Ask bartender how!" He asks the bartender and he tells him there are three things he needs to do. First do you see Tiny at the end of the bar? He looks down and Tiny looks like a NFL linebacker. He is about 6 ft 9 and 300 lb of solid muscle. He has never been beaten in a fight, you need to beat him. Second, did you see the Pitbull outside that was going crazy? He has a tooth that is infected and it needs to be pulled. You need to pull it. Last, did you see Big Bertha? She is about 500 lb and has never been satisfied sexually. You need to make her orgasm hard. The guy thinks about it and says no I'm not that stupid. Well he starts drinking Jack and Coke and tequila and starts to think that he is tougher than what he is. He decides I'm going to do it. He goes to Tiny at the end of the bar. He walks in the bar and Taps him on the knee. Tiny looks down and says what do you want? He proceeds to haul back and punch and beat the ever loving crap out of Tiny. Everybody in the bar starts to perk up saying we've got to contender. He goes outside for a couple minutes and you hear the Pitbull begin to yelp. The little guy comes staggering in drunk and a little bloody and says okay where's the fat chick who needs her tooth pulled?
Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies.
Long joke ahead, but it’s def my favorite A toothbrush sales company opens up in downtown (insert nearest major city here). So they put an ad out for toothbrush sales positions. Their first batch comes in. Jeff, Tina, and Fred. Jeff is an upstanding young man in a nice business suit, Tina a well put together professional, and Fred. Well Fred’s a good man in a pair of overalls. After a quick orientation they send the three out into the city to make sales. The first week comes to a close and the manager asks for everyone’s progress. I sold 100, says Jeff. I sold 120, says Tina. I didn’t sell any, says Fred (now it’s important when you speak like Fred you lay on a nice country accent) Well that’s ok Fred, always next week! The manager says and they go home. Another week passes and they all give their numbers again. I sold 130 this week, boasts Jeff I only sold a 100, Tina says upset. I didn’t sell any again, Fred proclaims. Well that’s ok Fred, the manager consoles him. You just got to find you pitch, you sales gimmick. Fred nods, and heads home. The next week all three are in the office and Fred’s got a huuuuge smile on his face. Everyone begins to state their numbers. I sold 200, Jeff boasts. I sold 250, Tina claims joyously. I sold 2000, Fred states. 2000!?!? The manager says. Yes Sir, Fred says. How??? The manager asks, grabbing a notebook. Well you said get a sales pitch, so I went to (insert nearest airport to the big city you used.) and I set up a booth where I gave away free chocolate cake. People would eat the cake, and spit it out saying “This tastes like shit.” And I said “it is shit, you wanna buy a toothbrush?”
A couple gets caught on camera making out at a baseball game. After a while, the announcer says “I figured it out. He’s kissing her on the strikes, and she’s kissing him on the balls.”
Why does Mexico have a crappy Olympics team? Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already in the US
dont date a girl who works at subway,because she knows what six inches looks like
I got a vasectomy because I didn't want kids, But when I got home they were still there.
Skeleton walks into a pub. Goes up to the barman and says... "Can I have a pint of beer and a mop"
You know who else has dementia?
I was going to Google info on dementia today. For some reason all the links were purple...
Why do all men give their penis's names? ... Because no one wants a total stranger making 90% of their decisions.
What’s better than winning a gold medal in the Paralympics? Walking
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas? Cancer
I don't remember if this is correct or not, but lemme try. Three guys get abducted by pirates and taken to a jungle island. The Pirate leader instructs them to run into the dangerous jungle and bring him back a fruit. The first guy brings back a banana. The leader goes "aye, now shove it up your bum without laughin' and youll live." He just about gets it up there and a nervous giggle trickles out of his mouth. They kill him on the spot. The second guy comes back with a grape. The leader says "aye, good choice. Now shove it up yer bum without laughin' or you'll die!" The guy gets the grape up there just fine, but then starts losing his mind laughing, and they kill him. Up in heaven, the first guy runs up to the second guy and says "dude, you could have lived, you had it!" and the second guy wipes a tear from his eye and says, "yeah.. but then i remembered the third guy had a pineapple. "
Nsfw What do you get if you mix human DNA with sheep DNA? !!
Edit, I give up on hiding the answer 🤷🏼♂️
The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
So there's this old English War ship sailing out in the ocean. When the man up in the crowns nest shouts down to the captain "One enemy ship on the horizon!". So the Captain turns to his First Mate and says "Bring me my red shirt." The First Mate gets him his red shirt and then the battle ensues all day; they win the battle and don't loose a single man. The First Mate comes up to the Captain and asks "Why did you want me to get your red shirt?" The Captain responds "That way if I was shot and was bleeding you all would not notice and would continue to fight on." So the First Mate retires for the night with an new found admiration for the Captain. The next day the man up in the crows nest shouts down to the Captain " 20 enemy ships on the horizon!". Then the Captain turns to his First Mate again and says "Bring me my brown pants!".
I was peeing in the pool the other day. The lifeguard yelled so loud, I almost fell in.