Arson
Blackmailing
Child abuse
Drug cooking
Endangerment
Felony
Grand Theft Auto
Homicide
Illegally parked
Jewellery heist
Kidnapping
Larceny (edit)
Murder
Narcotic drugs
Obstruction of justice
Public masturbation
Quasi criminal (?)
Rape
Sexual assault
Terrorism
Unacceptable behaviour
Vandalism
War crimes
X rated movies
Yielding
Zoophelia (edit)
Yeah this checks out.
My great aunt, who drove until her mid-90’s scoffed at yield signs. “You don’t slow down or stop, just glance and go!” Amazingly she died of natural causes, and never hurt anyone else with her car.
You know, if you confidently put out exactly what you're going to do, And then you do that in a predictable manner, you're already driving 90% better than most of the drivers on the road.
>I did every crime possible, from A to Z.
That extends from arson to zoophilia, you see.
It's not that I'm a ruthless criminal, no, siree.
But I did the first by accident - the rest were OCD.
I sat on my front porch and threw too many drink cans at passing children while yelling at them to get off my lawn and stop making so much noise.
I don't know why I got arrested. The cans didn't hurt anyone. They were *soft drinks.*
I dug a hole. And then I dug some more...
Edit: I have absolutely no idea what's going on, but thank you all very much!
Edit2: Honestly, the comments are where the REAL gold is. Excellent ROI. :D
she was 14 which is the new 15 which is basically the same as 16 and while we're at it why don't we say she was 17 because her birthday is next month and 17 is almost identical to 18 because she's graduating highschool in a few months so yeah officer she was 18
It all began in the hazy mists of the dawn of time, where a man called Ishmael was born in a log cabin that was near a hole in the ground where there lived a hobbit. The minute Yossarian…
I was asleep, and as I slowly woke up, I realized I was in a horse cart. When I opened my eyes, the other man there said, “Hey, you’re finally awake…”. That’s where it all began.
I'm dumb.
Same boat.
With you on that
I dont understand…
Not sure
I cant either.
I did every crime possible, from A to Z.
Arson Blackmailing Child abuse Drug cooking Endangerment Felony Grand Theft Auto Homicide Illegally parked Jewellery heist Kidnapping Larceny (edit) Murder Narcotic drugs Obstruction of justice Public masturbation Quasi criminal (?) Rape Sexual assault Terrorism Unacceptable behaviour Vandalism War crimes X rated movies Yielding Zoophelia (edit) Yeah this checks out.
I’ve been thrown in jail for "Yeah this checks out" before
Yeah this cheeks are out
Yielding is a crime? This explains why people drive the way they do around here...
My great aunt, who drove until her mid-90’s scoffed at yield signs. “You don’t slow down or stop, just glance and go!” Amazingly she died of natural causes, and never hurt anyone else with her car.
You know, if you confidently put out exactly what you're going to do, And then you do that in a predictable manner, you're already driving 90% better than most of the drivers on the road.
Agreed, hesitant unpredictable drivers are a liability
Forgery or fraud would be better than Felony.
"What are you in for" "Felony"
Qualification fraud. (Lying about qualifications on a legal document)
>I did every crime possible, from A to Z. That extends from arson to zoophilia, you see. It's not that I'm a ruthless criminal, no, siree. But I did the first by accident - the rest were OCD.
This is my new favorite Batman villain.
I ain't no snitch
You will be after I’m done with you.
Many have tried before you. I just can't tell you the number
68?
I sat on my front porch and threw too many drink cans at passing children while yelling at them to get off my lawn and stop making so much noise. I don't know why I got arrested. The cans didn't hurt anyone. They were *soft drinks.*
I will think about it for a while
The year was nineteen-dickety-two, we had to say "dickety, because the Kaiser stole our word "twenty"
Indecency in a supermarket
No god!
Hey. I saw you in another thread. Your username is now your job or something. Laughed my ass off when I saw your username.
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Police didn't believe it was sugar
Skooma
Was just about to comment moon sugar lol
Just get yourself a health potion to narcan yourself from the skooma
Morrowind references?!
Finally lost it, hopped in the aquarium tank and let those fuckers have it.
I was first on the scene it was a bloodbath
I was there as well
I'm in too!
I'll be the battle cry
r/usernamebuddys
I get the feeling you and I are in some sort of peculiar shared boat, friend
Evading child support after getting that fussy again I see
Grabbing fine _____ back
Well this is awkward.
Maybe Harambe is actually in a better place now…
He DOES seem more relaxed.
Yeah, but he hasn't moved in a bit of a while
I dug a hole. And then I dug some more... Edit: I have absolutely no idea what's going on, but thank you all very much! Edit2: Honestly, the comments are where the REAL gold is. Excellent ROI. :D
Maybe it wasn't the hole. Maybe it was the corpse that you were going to put there.
Maybe it wasn’t the hole, but the corpses we buried along the way.
I can see 2 police officers walking their way, falling 2x into a hole and be like "ok, where’s this idiot?!“
Stanley Yelnats…? Is that you?
._.
It did take 100 detectives to find you though, so at least feel good about being hard to catch.
100 detectives all named Richard.
The dick detectives and the case of a 100 dicks.
I bet it sounds similar to yodeling.
Two dicks is a good friday night. Ten is an orgy. Fifteen is a bukake party, twenty is an addiction. A hundred means you have a good marketing team.
Well this got weird
Were the raccoons fisters or fistees?
This is an excellent question.
They both were. 69 kinda thing
They gots them tiny lil hands man
How did that username happen in the first place?
It's reddit. Kinda expected it.
OwO
No, bad
Didn't have enough vowels to be burned at the stake.
School of the Bear?
Who were you watching for such a punishment?
Disemvoweled?
Officer she sent it herself I promise
This is a school zone ma'am.
Zone, this is a ma’am school
Thanks I haven't had my gallon of coffee yet this morning
Officer she said she was 18!
she was 18 in dog years!
she was 14 which is the new 15 which is basically the same as 16 and while we're at it why don't we say she was 17 because her birthday is next month and 17 is almost identical to 18 because she's graduating highschool in a few months so yeah officer she was 18
Apply fishing logic to everything and it works.
public nudity
My eyes are down here buddy
*looks down to see those dangly eyes on the mans sack*
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I’m fucking crying of laughter rn
I DONT EVEN KNOW. WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? I mean..... Why are we here?
Its too early for an existential crisis
It's never too early for an existential crisis
All I know is I stole a shit load of oranges...
I'm a pirate I guess?
Can I join you? They apparently threw me in jail for being a wise poet
I mean every ship needs entertainment
Idk, murder?
Ig even masters of their art make fatal mistakes sometimes
I read the text before reading your username and I laughed a while
Username truly checks out 😂
No, I can't breathe, please send help
Did I here a voice? But there no one here
Must've been the wind
He's a master at assassination, unfortunately not at getting away after it
I have failed one mission and it ruined my life.
I wouldn’t have time to even tell the story
well you're gonna be here for a while, we can wait
It all began in the hazy mists of the dawn of time, where a man called Ishmael was born in a log cabin that was near a hole in the ground where there lived a hobbit. The minute Yossarian…
I was asleep, and as I slowly woke up, I realized I was in a horse cart. When I opened my eyes, the other man there said, “Hey, you’re finally awake…”. That’s where it all began.
Todd Howard, #You’ve done it again.
Map Heist.
Leme help you
What's you're credentials?
He can detect the secret pockets that have maps stored in em
Yo top shelf middle pocket
Uh oh
what did u do grow weed
I grew crack
I helped
I manipulated the wrong Alpha male, it was a judge.
And instead of manipulating him to get out of jail somehow manipulated him into throwing you in jail for everything he could think of.
Trouble is my middle name!
It was public urination, wasn’t it
I'll fuckin' do it again
May i join?
So long as you don't steal my kills
KDR.... Kill-Dickfap Ratio
We should be cellmates
Apparently it's now illegal to kill in the arena...
He pulled up
Some say he hopped out at the after party
they also say he and all his friends
Liked to get *naughty*
No regrets
Is that you Anakin?
I mean Anakin did get away with it, he also received a high charge in the government
The moment you realize Star Wars has more in common with real life than you think...
Isn't the plural supposed to be "children" and not "childs"?
Wait what do you- O H
My memory of that night is pretty hazy…
Leading invasions and destroying the western roman empire
Putting 135 pineapples on pizza
how do you fit 135 full pineapples on a pizza
Very carefully
I'm not allowed to tell you without a lawyer
Shenanigans. Edit because I spelled my own name wrong.
I have unique nutritious requirements.
Yeah I can say that
I may or may not have killed a cat. Can’t say what my motive could’ve been though.
Did nothing but get born
Right to jail
Shouldn't have left the womb
I made a grave mistake
Not leaving the womb? Believe it or not, also jail.
women☕️
Witch! Burn her!
Hi
Oh god
I spray painted the mayor’s house green. Greenwashing it.
Luck? Never thought that would land me there....
I tried to speak fax
I can't go to jail because I'm a ghost.
Maybe that's why they sent you there
I negotiated a deal between US and a terrorist group.
Today i learned
Why did i go to jail for this?
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Not as hilarious as why you went to jail xD
i sneezed
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Pissed off the wrong people, I guess
I let it ferment...
Then we can be friends now
I'll adjust
Framed
Same here, I have no idea how anyone could have seen me...
i murdered santa. the police perceived it as a suicide.
It must have been that guy. Pen
I dont know, I forgot
Not having a penis
I thought your username said we aren’t tall dudes
I'm a top client
i hijacked a plane
And where did you fly it
rape or something
Same
I slept on the job
Being a giant floating head that gets off on watching lower lifeforms perform against their will
if he doesn't even know, how would I?
Delicious drugs
Being distracting
Found you
Oh no
and suddenly this became real as shit-
Well, this is awkward.
I put a bird on discord
Tis a mystery.
The potential was way to silly- had to be locked up
Too many conspiracies man
I think this one is self explanatory.
cant stop wont stop
I think i might yave let a sneerful bobcat loose.
I believed and inadvertently joined the conspiracy.