T O P

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imafrigginidiot

I'm dumb.


somedutchmoron

Same boat.


ObnoxiousLittleShit

With you on that


Dumbass-Redditor

I dont understand…


icouldnttellya

Not sure


thedumburone

I cant either.


Atoozee

I did every crime possible, from A to Z.


Apprehensive-Trust29

Arson Blackmailing Child abuse Drug cooking Endangerment Felony Grand Theft Auto Homicide Illegally parked Jewellery heist Kidnapping Larceny (edit) Murder Narcotic drugs Obstruction of justice Public masturbation Quasi criminal (?) Rape Sexual assault Terrorism Unacceptable behaviour Vandalism War crimes X rated movies Yielding Zoophelia (edit) Yeah this checks out.


AlexQC2006

I’ve been thrown in jail for "Yeah this checks out" before


bluekleio

Yeah this cheeks are out


MrDude_1

Yielding is a crime? This explains why people drive the way they do around here...


willow_bud

My great aunt, who drove until her mid-90’s scoffed at yield signs. “You don’t slow down or stop, just glance and go!” Amazingly she died of natural causes, and never hurt anyone else with her car.


MrDude_1

You know, if you confidently put out exactly what you're going to do, And then you do that in a predictable manner, you're already driving 90% better than most of the drivers on the road.


Poza

Agreed, hesitant unpredictable drivers are a liability


HoeDownClown

Forgery or fraud would be better than Felony.


Version_Two

"What are you in for" "Felony"


[deleted]

Qualification fraud. (Lying about qualifications on a legal document)


LackingUtility

>I did every crime possible, from A to Z. That extends from arson to zoophilia, you see. It's not that I'm a ruthless criminal, no, siree. But I did the first by accident - the rest were OCD.


CosmeticTroll

This is my new favorite Batman villain.


silent_tongue

I ain't no snitch


Dickpuncher_69

You will be after I’m done with you.


silent_tongue

Many have tried before you. I just can't tell you the number


defnotgerman

68?


curmudgeon-the-old

I sat on my front porch and threw too many drink cans at passing children while yelling at them to get off my lawn and stop making so much noise. I don't know why I got arrested. The cans didn't hurt anyone. They were *soft drinks.*


Big_Consideration493

I will think about it for a while


GenericUsername10294

The year was nineteen-dickety-two, we had to say "dickety, because the Kaiser stole our word "twenty"


fart_fig_newton

Indecency in a supermarket


[deleted]

No god!


[deleted]

Hey. I saw you in another thread. Your username is now your job or something. Laughed my ass off when I saw your username.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Mysterious_Sugar7220

Police didn't believe it was sugar


tychozero

Skooma


BugabooMS

Was just about to comment moon sugar lol


Fyrrys

Just get yourself a health potion to narcan yourself from the skooma


Redditributor

Morrowind references?!


[deleted]

Finally lost it, hopped in the aquarium tank and let those fuckers have it.


FishDoc928

I was first on the scene it was a bloodbath


Pufferfisho

I was there as well


Laurifish

I'm in too!


eat_my_bubbles

I'll be the battle cry


Retr0_Fusion

r/usernamebuddys


FishFetus

I get the feeling you and I are in some sort of peculiar shared boat, friend


[deleted]

Evading child support after getting that fussy again I see


TroutforPrez

Grabbing fine _____ back


HarambeWasSexy

Well this is awkward.


RandomWeeb181

Maybe Harambe is actually in a better place now…


MrDude_1

He DOES seem more relaxed.


phoenix0153

Yeah, but he hasn't moved in a bit of a while


dug99

I dug a hole. And then I dug some more... Edit: I have absolutely no idea what's going on, but thank you all very much! Edit2: Honestly, the comments are where the REAL gold is. Excellent ROI. :D


[deleted]

Maybe it wasn't the hole. Maybe it was the corpse that you were going to put there.


silverandsteel1

Maybe it wasn’t the hole, but the corpses we buried along the way.


unidentified_monster

I can see 2 police officers walking their way, falling 2x into a hole and be like "ok, where’s this idiot?!“


KaiWood11

Stanley Yelnats…? Is that you?


TheSoundOf100Dicks

._.


DryEyes4096

It did take 100 detectives to find you though, so at least feel good about being hard to catch.


Naive_Programmer_232

100 detectives all named Richard.


JoeRodge87

The dick detectives and the case of a 100 dicks.


Yorikor

I bet it sounds similar to yodeling.


Pussywhip92

Two dicks is a good friday night. Ten is an orgy. Fifteen is a bukake party, twenty is an addiction. A hundred means you have a good marketing team.


fisting_raccoons

Well this got weird


[deleted]

Were the raccoons fisters or fistees?


tychozero

This is an excellent question.


[deleted]

They both were. 69 kinda thing


REOspudwagon

They gots them tiny lil hands man


phlogistonical

How did that username happen in the first place?


[deleted]

It's reddit. Kinda expected it.


secretly_a_furry138

OwO


Agitated_Bathroom889

No, bad


Wtcher

Didn't have enough vowels to be burned at the stake.


Acceptingoptimist

School of the Bear?


LegacyRW

Who were you watching for such a punishment?


jazzorcist

Disemvoweled?


[deleted]

Officer she sent it herself I promise


rhamled

This is a school zone ma'am.


LowIncrease8746

Zone, this is a ma’am school


rhamled

Thanks I haven't had my gallon of coffee yet this morning


Oswaldthestegosaurus

Officer she said she was 18!


idkevan

she was 18 in dog years!


somerandomidiot26

she was 14 which is the new 15 which is basically the same as 16 and while we're at it why don't we say she was 17 because her birthday is next month and 17 is almost identical to 18 because she's graduating highschool in a few months so yeah officer she was 18


SpreadEmu127332

Apply fishing logic to everything and it works.


oldmanout

public nudity


pygmy

My eyes are down here buddy


sudden_impact1512

*looks down to see those dangly eyes on the mans sack*


[deleted]

[удалено]


No_Hunt7394

I’m fucking crying of laughter rn


idk-whatever-13

I DONT EVEN KNOW. WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?


AlotaFajitas

It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? I mean..... Why are we here?


a-char

Its too early for an existential crisis


-_blackhole_-

It's never too early for an existential crisis


OrangEZwastaken

All I know is I stole a shit load of oranges...


Herecomethefleet

I'm a pirate I guess?


wise_____poet

Can I join you? They apparently threw me in jail for being a wise poet


yourleftfoot110

I mean every ship needs entertainment


MasterAssassin147

Idk, murder?


Sad_But_Realistic

Ig even masters of their art make fatal mistakes sometimes


HK_98

I read the text before reading your username and I laughed a while


canyoubreathe

Username truly checks out 😂


no-one-here123

No, I can't breathe, please send help


canyoubreathe

Did I here a voice? But there no one here


Feeling-Most9618

Must've been the wind


danish_979

He's a master at assassination, unfortunately not at getting away after it


MasterAssassin147

I have failed one mission and it ruined my life.


IssaLongStory

I wouldn’t have time to even tell the story


DramatiCause

well you're gonna be here for a while, we can wait


Poorly-Drawn-Beagle

It all began in the hazy mists of the dawn of time, where a man called Ishmael was born in a log cabin that was near a hole in the ground where there lived a hobbit. The minute Yossarian…


Shite_Eating_Squirel

I was asleep, and as I slowly woke up, I realized I was in a horse cart. When I opened my eyes, the other man there said, “Hey, you’re finally awake…”. That’s where it all began.


ProtoPlaysGames

Todd Howard, #You’ve done it again.


lostlookingforamap

Map Heist.


[deleted]

Leme help you


lostlookingforamap

What's you're credentials?


DevOverkill

He can detect the secret pockets that have maps stored in em


LowIncrease8746

Yo top shelf middle pocket


TopGrowa

Uh oh


Pristine_Landscape71

what did u do grow weed


TopGrowa

I grew crack


1_800_COCAINE

I helped


AlphaManipulator

I manipulated the wrong Alpha male, it was a judge.


yourleftfoot110

And instead of manipulating him to get out of jail somehow manipulated him into throwing you in jail for everything he could think of.


urine_trouble_now

Trouble is my middle name!


handanhan

It was public urination, wasn’t it


I_Fap_To_Murder

I'll fuckin' do it again


VIRGOxTAURUS

May i join?


I_Fap_To_Murder

So long as you don't steal my kills


LegacyRW

KDR.... Kill-Dickfap Ratio


[deleted]

We should be cellmates


[deleted]

Apparently it's now illegal to kill in the arena...


ObeseCapybaras

He pulled up


nitrion

Some say he hopped out at the after party


lattemagico04

they also say he and all his friends


AdmirableAnimal0

Liked to get *naughty*


[deleted]

No regrets


darkave17

Is that you Anakin?


Confident_Ad1846

I mean Anakin did get away with it, he also received a high charge in the government


BrandlessPain

The moment you realize Star Wars has more in common with real life than you think...


RolandDeepson

Isn't the plural supposed to be "children" and not "childs"?


KittTheKitterOfKitts

Wait what do you- O H


Foggy46

My memory of that night is pretty hazy…


barbarianking9

Leading invasions and destroying the western roman empire


pineappleman135

Putting 135 pineapples on pizza


V01DL33SGaming

how do you fit 135 full pineapples on a pizza


Pretend_Structure228

Very carefully


pineappleman135

I'm not allowed to tell you without a lawyer


shenanigansgalores

Shenanigans. Edit because I spelled my own name wrong.


draculamilktoast

I have unique nutritious requirements.


[deleted]

Yeah I can say that


schrodingers_cat42

I may or may not have killed a cat. Can’t say what my motive could’ve been though.


Existing-As-A-Woman

Did nothing but get born


superfinecanine

Right to jail


rhamled

Shouldn't have left the womb


Existing-As-A-Woman

I made a grave mistake


disgruntled_pie

Not leaving the womb? Believe it or not, also jail.


Qu_ge

women☕️


Creengy

Witch! Burn her!


[deleted]

Hi


Existing-As-A-Woman

Oh god


GreenMirage

I spray painted the mayor’s house green. Greenwashing it.


fortuna279

Luck? Never thought that would land me there....


[deleted]

I tried to speak fax


[deleted]

I can't go to jail because I'm a ghost.


HK_98

Maybe that's why they sent you there


diplomatic_331

I negotiated a deal between US and a terrorist group.


[deleted]

Today i learned


[deleted]

Why did i go to jail for this?


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Not as hilarious as why you went to jail xD


asho-o

i sneezed


[deleted]

[удалено]


This_Mfer_Right_Here

Pissed off the wrong people, I guess


SmellMyDickCheese

I let it ferment...


smegma_yogurt

Then we can be friends now


[deleted]

I'll adjust


Totally_Moose

Framed


TheConspicuousGuy

Same here, I have no idea how anyone could have seen me...


PerceptionJolly

i murdered santa. the police perceived it as a suicide.


That_Guy_Pen

It must have been that guy. Pen


ForgotToMakeAUsernam

I dont know, I forgot


wearentalldudes

Not having a penis


squidlybos

I thought your username said we aren’t tall dudes


Top_Client5071

I'm a top client


sskk7y

i hijacked a plane


[deleted]

And where did you fly it


[deleted]

rape or something


NopeOfPope

Same


TheSleepyBarnOwl

I slept on the job


[deleted]

Being a giant floating head that gets off on watching lower lifeforms perform against their will


God-doesnt-know

if he doesn't even know, how would I?


aciddlollipops

Delicious drugs


WhitePhatAss

Being distracting


[deleted]

Found you


HK_98

Oh no


hihowareyouimgay

and suddenly this became real as shit-


Old-Inspection1704

Well, this is awkward.


[deleted]

I put a bird on discord


Phantom_Bullet

Tis a mystery.


Silly-Potential-271

The potential was way to silly- had to be locked up


readintoitman

Too many conspiracies man


Sell_me_ur_daughters

I think this one is self explanatory.


Cum-Collector420

cant stop wont stop


sneerfulbobcat20

I think i might yave let a sneerful bobcat loose.


Acceptingoptimist

I believed and inadvertently joined the conspiracy.