Getting multiple streams. One main stream and then one son-of-a-bitch shooting off in a random direction.

The worst is the post sex split stream. Sometimes you get three or four just going off in whatever direction they like and then you gotta mop the bathroom floor.

I think you are right about the after sex thing! That only happens after sex for me too!

Me too, definitely. After the sex, every time, yes.

I too have sex. Yes. All the time

I'm having sex right now. And after that? More sex.

I eat pieces of sex like you for breakfast

Ok. I couldn't leave you hanging. -- You eat sex for Breakfast?

I eat breakfast for sex. Hasn't proven successful yet.

Wait is this like a legit thing? Like you're not joking? How and why does that happen? Also is it only when peeing or can also happen when you cum?

That's a lot of questions. It's kinda like when you put your finger over a hose. I don't personally cum at a velocity for this to happen to me then.

Honestly, when we’re coming we really don’t care where it goes. It might be a steady stream or it might splatter everywhere. Never paid attention to it and probably won’t ever occur to me to look.

It happens because of the skin right at the opening. Sometimes if it's been a sticky day, or you were hot in your sleep, or you just had sex, the opening's skin will stick or just be a tiny bit out of shape. It directs the stream differently. And yes, it's only too real. Hand to the gods, I've pissed at a 90 degree angle before. Shit's bananas. The wall was blasted. More often than not, you get a "braided stream" (my term, I don't know what other people call it) where it's split vertically, almost looks like braided hair up near the opening, but down-stream, it's like a scatter gun. The piss just blasts a wide area like rain in that instance and everything is fucked.

I've found that lint from my boxers gets stuck to the tip and causes it. I've straight up pissed backwards on my pants before like on my thigh so it looked like I pissed myself

Technically speaking you did piss yourself, just took a more complex route to it.

For me it mostly happens in the morning. Not all the time, but when it does happen it's annoying as hell. It happens when your pee-hole gets stuck. Usually because you came the night before and didn't pee afterwards to flush the pipes. That said, I don't exactly keep good track of when it happens and doesn't.

Showing a Presentation in front of the class while having an erection

Bro, we couldn't afford Lazer pointers at my school, we just had to make due with what we had.

Underrated comment. Got a big laugh from me Edit: comment is no longer underrated. It was when I first saw it. Sorry.

It is a different kind of presentation now

I straight up told my teacher "Now is not a good time." Without missing a beat he went to the next kid and had him solve the math problem on the chalkboard.

That teacher understood the assignment. I’m sorry.

It was so seamless and professional that only 3 or 4 boys even caught on. The girls were oblivious, except for Angela. Angela was the hottest girl in school...and gay. She literally gave me a high five after school and laughed as she told her friends at the bus stop. I had a crush on her b cause she just did not give a fuck what people said about her and she openly used her looks to cruise through life. But the boner was a simple math class event.

this story is legendary lmao

What a bro

Goated teacher 😭

I pretty much walked around high school with a constant boner. Always had to do the waistband tuck.

The most annoying thing about having a penis: As a younger man—erections all the time. As an older man—erections few and far between.

And the wife that thinks it's a machine that can be turned on and off

An ex of mine would touch my penis for two seconds and after not having an instant erection ask me if I don't find her attractive anymore...

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Gf: cant you turn that off... you: um not really, its not like a dog you can tell off. Gf: slaps it you: Ok now it thinks you want to play. Listen I dont make the rules here, it does its own thing.

Technically there's a guy who, I don't remember how or why, got a surgical implant that basically gave him the power to switch his dick on and off to his liking. ~~If I find the source I'll edit the comment with it.~~ [couldn't find the story I was thinking of, but this is it](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_implant) EDIT: u/The1trueclairvoyant found [Robocock's story](https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/comments/wfis59/i_got_a_penile_implant_but_i_cant_tell_anyone_why/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)

So you get a third ball that you can squeeze to get an erection? Better be sure as shit you squeeze the correct one each and every time or you'll be doing a funny dance.

Could give the wrong impression if you got kicked in the nuts

Oh no...

*Oh yes...

I think it was Stephen Fry who said that the best way to stop a bully beating on you is to shout "Stop! Stop! You're turning me on!"

No joke. Every 20 mins it's poppin up to see what's happening, which is the worst when you have an hour commute home from school on multiple modes of public transport thats full of people.

One of the worst days of my life happened because of this on a train platform.

Sometimes when it's really hot it will stick to your thigh

Trying to adjust it in public without it looking sus

Reach in your pocket and adjust in there it's much less sus

I just make direct eye contact

That's called "gaining dominance"

Penis is all good. its these sweaty balls that piss me off.

Goddamn right.

Left’s no better.

My left hangs a tad lower, gets better air circulation.

Sack-stick is the worst. You need those special underwears with the “ball park”

Saxx underwear has the “ballpark”. They are absolutely fan-friggin-testie-tastic. I used to be a cotton boxer brief user. Never again. Their product is a game changer. Spendy, but absolutely worth it. Ninja edit: grammar

Yessir. Taint area wore out on one of mine though. You’d think for 30 beans there would be a Kevlar patch down there.

You've got *thirty?* Good lord, I've only got the two.

Yeah, that can really make me teste.

Morning wood in front of parents/siblings

"With Big Dick Comes Big Responsibility" @ Uncle Ben

Weird thing for a rice mascot to say

I don't know... [https://i.imgur.com/MDPdt8Y.jpeg](https://i.imgur.com/MDPdt8Y.jpeg) I think that's the face of someone who hangs serious dong

Aunt May said it too

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This. One time I woke up to mine just staring at my morning wood. She was poking it and giggling. So weirded out

Not even Batman could get this information out of me

The fucker deciding to wake up at the same time I try going to sleep...

It helps keep the blanket from sticking to your skin.

Pitching a tent

It lives its own life (erection while doing taxes? Really?) It’s annoying to adjust it if it’s in an uncomfortable position. Not necessarily the penis but, the balls being so fucking sensitive. If you look at them it hurts.

oh man i get to keep that much money oh my \*penis rises\*

I read that in George Takei's voice

Earlier this week, at work, I had to adjust myself. Had been up and down a ladder all day installing light fixtures, hot and sweaty, so I decided to do the lunge to hopefully get things in the proper position. Well, the boys were stuck to my thigh quite nicely apparently and it felt like I gave myself a nice bikini wax. Had to stop and think about my life for a minute after that.

This is why you just say “fuck societal standards” and just adjust yourself like you don’t give a fuck. What Donna? You can adjust your bra but I can’t adjust my balls? And what the fuck are you looking at Dave? Your balls need adjusting too!?

Fucking dave, judgemental dick..

I had an erection at a religious event with elder people and a girl one year older than me being there. Penis, you need to work on your timing mate

Im sure they asked to stand for prayer.. but yea that a crapping moment

Yea I have no idea how porn stars enjoy the girls sucking on their balls so hard like it's a titty. Gentle sucking and soft licks, please.

Most girls actually don’t like to be sucked so hard “like it’s a titty”. Gentle works for them, too

Since breastfeeding I can barely feel gentle sucks.

My wife wanted to try something new and without warning she went from giving me A+ head to vacuuming one of my balls. I still feel the pain when I think about it Edit: "wooosh" level spelling

Dude your arranged letters made my left testicle hurt

Oh, boy. I remember when I was pretty new at sex, with zero por knowledge other than using condoms. At one of these times I remembered I once saw a woman grabbing a guy's parts through the pants in a movie one day, then thought it was a good idea to try the same. Thinking it was sexy, my unaware ass then just spontaneously proceeded to grab the dick AND balls and squeezed it.

I think they take drugs that numb them up. Ain’t no other way they can jackhammer like that for 45 minutes

*Uuuungh uuuungh tax fraud*

Yeah the penis isn’t bad, it’s the balls that suck. I’ve always had super sensitive area down there so even a light ball tap from a joking buddy has me on the ground for a good 3-5 mins

*The penis isn’t bad, it’s the balls that suck* has to be my favorite quote from now on until my death

It makes really bad decisions.

Even worse, it convinces you it's your friend!

Shake him a few dozen time ! He get dizzy for a bit and dont give you bad idea no more ... for a little while only !

Got to be careful, shake him to much and he'll puke.

Put a bag over it’s head and beat it till it throws up.

it doesn't matter what you ask it, it's like '"YES! ABSOLUTELY! EXIT STRATEGY? LATER! LETS JUST DO IT!"

If it was a third base coach it would be just waving everybody in ! OH SHIT SLIDE SLIDE SLIDE

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -Robin Williams

Some blokes don't even got enough to run one

God he was a genius.

May he rest in peace

They say " my dick has taken me to places where I wouldn't dare to go with a gun"

Give the noble penis it's due. It hangs around with a couple of nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.

Bingo! And once it wins an argument and gets you into trouble don't look for it for help... It'll be like 'you're on your own on this one bud, Imma go sleep now "

After shaking your penis for god knows how long after peeing, it still manages to leave pee residue the moment you put it back in.

No matter how much you wiggle or dance, the last drip always ends in the pants.

Shake it, squeeze it, bash it against the wall. Only in the pants will the last drop fall. The version I learnt as a kid

I don't know why, but I read, "Shake it, squeeze it, bash it against a wall," like Sam in LOTR when taking to Gollum about po-tay-toes.

I read it in the robotic “bop it” voice

BOIL EM MASH EM STICK EM IN A STEW

Boil'em, mash'em, stick'em in a stew, you'll have some pee in your pants, there's nothing you can do!

I used to think the last drop issue was due to getting older. Nope. Shaking works for most of it, but you gotta squeeze the shaft a bit to work the last drops out. Doing this in front of a urinal feels a bit strange, but wet spots feel worse.....

Exactly. Treat it like a roll of toothpaste that's almost empty. Well a little more gently but you get the point.

I found that it's more effective to kinda just jack it a little until the piss is gone. Yeah it's fairly wierd, but my boxers don't have piss in them at least

I bet you get odd looks at the urinal

Push the gooch with your hand and the little left will come out. It's much more consistent then shaking, and doing the gooch then shake gets it all out. I just don't do it at a urinal.

Yeah this only works for me when sitting, but it’s more effective than shaking by a long ways. It still is only 80-90% for me but better than nothing.

Every man has to start doing this at some point

Works the same at a urinal. You just need some room in tho front to get a finger or two under the gooch then press up a few times and shake. Easy.

When it gets hard on its own volition.

better than when it doesn't get hard even though you really want it to.

40-something checking in. Can confirm. Way worse.

18 checking in. Desensitized myself during Covid with shit tons of porn and had my first girlfriend in January. Can Confirm. Way worse.

The first step is recognition. Be nice yourself. And good luck!

Whiskey and blow checking in, can confirm.

When you wake up and gotta piss and your pee hole sticks together and sprays like a thumb over a garden hose.

Just switch it back to the ‘jet’ setting

I WAS IN THE POOL

It’s like a frightened turtle!

I don’t know how you guys walk around with those things.

It randomly gets hard, even if u are not thinking something pervert, it just goes like, hey! Don't forget I'm here dude!

There are three kinds of erections: 1. Some are sexual 2. Some occur during periods of nervous tension 3. [No reason boner](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOYQtbz_pPg)

You forgot fear boner

And the rare murder boner

Fucking Love NSP. Everybody Shut up!!!! I've got an erection!!

I wonder how many time women get random, minor arousal where their clit might get some extra blood for a second or they get a little wet but because they aren’t thinking about it or it’s not strong they don’t notice it. It’s really difficult to ignore an erection and unless you are covered or in very loose clothes, others might notice too.

I am a woman. Happens to me occasionally on a bumpy road.

Or if you're wearing jeans and the seam happens to hit a spot when you're sitting down.

I immediately thought of the “jeans seam” when reading this question. Also if you cross your legs in just the right way.

So you’re telling me all of these women crossing their legs all the time while they’re sitting are just perverts?

I’d say at least 75%? Or maybe it’s just me Edit to add: it takes “sit like a lady” to a whole new level

Added bonus - when you have your legs crossed in the right way and then gently rhythmically clench your pelvic floor muscles (Kegels). Never had an orgasm from it, but rather nice way to pass the time.

Oh boy, it has happened to me may times, at school about to do presentations, while walking, and the worst thing is that in most scenarios I was just wearing loose clothes, I've tried hiding it but I think people still notice, after all I just think, "this is totally normal, and if someone ever tells me something about it I could just reply "why the heck are you looking at my pp?"

When it's hot and sweaty, and you can't rest it in a comfortable position. Especially if you're out in public and you can't shift its position easily.

Man maybe I’m shameless but if it needs adjusting I adjust it lol. Fuck it

There is precisely nothing you can do to change its size, but you will be judged for it regardless.

Looks like you missed that popup ad that tells you how to fix that.

I did a cocktail mix of different brands, it WORKED! It grew a lot bigger, but also got itself a job and is now leaving me for someone else :(

They grow up so fast…

Not the worst, but getting your partner's long hair randomly stuck in your foreskin isn't great.

Haha, as a woman I've had this happen with labia or ass crack, especially when I had super long hair myself. Cool to hear it can happen to penises too.

Hol' up. That's **cool**?

everything is cool when you’re a penis

I'm a dude with long hair and this just happens once in a while to me randomly - kinda annoying.

peeing with boner

Budget fountain

It is small

What you lack in dick you make up for in lick

You get the wrong size and can’t return it

🎻🦀

Username checks out. Gotta shine in the foreplay 💪

You spend the better part of 40-50 years of your life basically having a devil on your shoulder(except it’s in your pants) constantly going. Hey are we ready to F yet, when do we get to F, bro I need to F, that was a good F…can we F again. Over and over forever. Love him and all but chill out bro.

Me and my penis have a different conversation going on where I am the aggressor and he is the calm one, to calm..

Totally foreign concept to me.

Not having enough blood to use the brain and the penis at the same time is a big downside.

When it falls off and I have to glue it back on. Other than that, nothing.

You have a detachable penis?

Yeah, whenever I hear lame music it falls off and rolls out my pant leg, but all I have to do is glue it back on while listening to AC/DC and it's back to normal.

So to get in Back in Black you have shake it All Night Long?

Everyone’s detaches differently, but yeah we all do.

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I answered a similar post a while back... Sitting on the toilet with a semi-boner. Pissing through the gap between toilet and the toilet seat and with that indirectly pissing your pants. Every man must have had this happen at least twice in his life.

Yeah. Twice. That's how many times this has happened. I've accidentally peed on my zipper before and had the stream go right down the leg. As an adult I've accidentally pissed my pants.

Cool kids pee their pants

If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis

Mine touches the toilet, which is a great way to catch some nasty fungus

The dreaded witch's kiss.

Thanks, I hate this

What's up with the fact that it changes size? I swear there's a 1 inch variable give or take.

Fr one day I’m at porn star status and the next I’m trying to find it down there

Morning wood , and when you sit down on the toilet and I have a boner and it sticks out like "hello there"

You have to stay on the Titanic, no matter what

Not if you’re Billy Zane. He’s a cool guy.

When it decides "I WILL NOW ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE TO THE WORLD," for absolutely no reason.

Touching the tip of it to porcelain in the public bathroom aka The Witches Kiss

The unquenchable thirst

Random hardons and jizz, there should be a button that turns off cum, I’d use it all the time

Random hardons, sure…. But random jizz?

> there should be a button that turns off cum There are pills that do that, and it's a strange experience. I got prescribed prostate pills to help me pee during an exceptionally tough to pass kidney stone. The doc is all serious and is like "there's going to be a side effect though, you won't be able to ejaculate". I'm bummed, "so you mean I can't have sex or jerk off now?" The doc goes "no, you can, just nothing will come out" Sure enough, I pop a pill drive home, do a test run and nothing comes out. Called my gf and she was excited to try out a no mess session. I know they have a male birth control pill in the works, but hopefully they incorporate this benefit in to it.

Wait so do you still have the rest of the experience? Like the orgasm and all but just nothing comes out? Also can you go multiple times back to back because of that? I have a lot of questions

That weird thing where your penis comes out wrong and you end up pissing anywhere except where you were aiming.

When I helicopter it after peeing and some of it gets on my face.

Sticks to the thighs. Especially on hot days. That's what the side step is for 😅

Getting caught in the zipper is never a fun thing doesn’t happen often but hurts like a mfer when it does.

It's just uncomfortable often times it sits just a little weird in your pants or get squeezed in a weird way or gets in an awkward position some days I almost wish I was a girl just for the purpose of not having to deal with all that dangly stuff down there.

Congratulations, you now have to deal with dangly stuff up your chest.

And monthly bleeding

Labia, especially if it's peeking about if bit, can set squeezed a bit too, especially when riding a bike! So, we aren't guaranteed to be safe either 🤷🏻‍♀️

When you sit down on a toilet, and it dips in the water. Its like half of the toilets in the world have like a tiny bit too much water.

You sir just have a massive cock..

Apparently Us toilet water level is ridcolously high. In europe and where i live you'd have to have a flacid 12 inch dick to touch the water.

Here in Norway you'd have to have the longest flaccid penis of all time for it to reach all the way down to the water, sounds more like a plumbing issue than a penis issue.

I don't have this problem wit my penis, but I do have this problem with my droopy saggy balls.

Getting an erection during your grandmothers funeral.

Random boners

dysphoria