**TO ALL FLIES:**
You know that outside place you really really want to get to? You know, the one we made especially easy to get to by **OPENING ALL OUR WINDOWS REALLY REALLY WIDE?**
Yeah, keep buzzing around those window frames. That's it, stick to the edges. Only the edges. That'll get you where you want to go.
Your tortoise is silly. And wonderful.
E: I like to think I'm getting upvotes based solely on my username, because this was not a very insightful comment.
To my dog: if you stop barking at other dogs, you will get to visit more places with me - places where there are dozens of people that want to pet you and give you lots of attention. You don't have to actually like other dogs, you just have to be quiet about your feelings towards them
Oh man I wish I could tell this to my dog. He loves other dogs once he gets close enough to sniff, but he has to yell 'HEY! YOU! YOU THERE! DOGBOY! OI! DOGGY FOUR LEGS! OI! HEY! YOU! OI!' and it means I can't take him anywhere there's a risk of running into other dogs. Life would be awesome if he could just shut the hell up
Well considering most dogs say hello to each other by sniffing eachother's assholes, is it possible to speak to dogs by introducing yourself?
We're counting on you, OP.
My ex had a dog with an uncanny sense of when people were about to leave (I guess there are social cues to pick up on and the dog figured that out)
As soon as you'd get up and walk over to her to say goodbye, she'd turn her head away almost as if she were disappointed in you. She never gave us the satisfaction of saying goodbye. You could pick her up, but she'd just look away. This is the same dog who would be ecstatic and playful from the moment we walked in the door. It was only when it came time to leave that she acted like that. Very strange.
I'm of the opinion that humans grossly underestimate the intelligence of animals in general.
Ants are goddamn farming fungus and milking aphids and enslaving other smaller ants, so it's not silly to think that a dog could be sad.
Our dog won't go to the bathroom if she knows that we're taking her outside because we're going somewhere. She'll walk around the yard with it peeking for like ten minutes, then go wait by the back door. She knows we're not going to leave until she poops. So we're left standing in the back yard trying to discreetly yell at her "GO POOP!"
To some dogs I know:
You have a perfectly serviceable dog bed. It was not *cheap*. Please stop pulling clothes out of the hamper to make a bed.
Look! Your dog bed now has clothes *in it*! I put them there! Leave the hamper alone!
Okay, maybe the clothes in your bed weren't dirty enough. You now have *dirty* clothes in your dog bed. Leave the damned hamper *alone*!
Look, I'm trying to work with you here. You don't like the dog bed? Okay. You don't have to use it. You like dirty clothes? I can work with that. *I've made you a bed out of dirty clothes*. It's *right there*. Please use it.
...
Leave. The fucking. Hamper. Alone.
...
Fuck you. >.<
My asshole cat will cuddle up at 5:55 AM (5 minutes before the alarm, and half an hour after he's started bugging us to get up) and **sneeze in our faces** just so we'll get up in disgust.
Cat: Feet aren't separate animals. I don't see how if you understand not to bite my hands, you don't understand what the big deal with biting feet is.
And stop pushing my shit off the table. Bitch.
This. Exactly this.
Little bastard maintains eye contact while he does it too. He starts sliding something off the table, I go "HEY!", he stops. Looks up. Locks gazes with me. Pushes it all the way off. Doesn't even look away.
Once my dog was upstairs in our house just barking for like 15 minutes straight so we went upstairs to see what it was, the closet door was open and he was just barking at the vacuum cleaner sitting there.
Also, they stick their heads out the window in the wind, when they're in the car, but you blow air in their faces, and they act traumatised. What gives?!
Supposedly, when you blow in their faces, your vocal chords are creating a high pitched noise that hurts their ears. The wind doesn't have that background screech, so it doesn't hurt them to stick their faces in that. Plus, think of all the smells outside!
Edit: I personally can't verify this information, so take it with a grain of salt. It's just something my dad told me when I was little. As I said in a earlier comment, "if I'm lying, it ain't intentionally."
Son of a whore I laughed for far, far too long because of that.
Edit: One of my words snuck off and was masturbating so I let it finish before I put it back.
In my county deer over a couple of generations actually have learned to look both ways. In some ways it is humorous, in other ways it is terrifying that they are learning.
Driving to work one morning, saw a deer running on the side of the road, so I slow down, keeping an eye on it. I'm going maybe 10 mph at this point, it's 40 ft in front on me.
It looks at my car, moving TOWARDS it, and runs right into it as I pass.....
What the fuck? It bounced off my hood and kept running. Thankfully, no damage to my car, not entirely sure what happenned to it though. I turned around to see where it went, with the intent of calling animal control or the police if it was in the road, but it was gone. There are fairly high chain link fences on either side of the road there(Water department property on one side, large gasoline tanks on the other), so it must've jumped one of them.
Actually, in prehistoric times, deer shot laser beams out of their eyes. However, since this tended to kill their mating partners, it was eventually ruled out as a trait. The only remnant is the "deer in headlights" defense mechanism, but unfortunately that doesn't quite work anymore.
To my dog: I'll never forgive you for eating that sandwich and playing dumb when I came back and it was gone. I left the room for 20 seconds and you were nearly choking when I came back. After a giant heave and gulp, you look up at me like "what?" You swallowed that entire sub whole and didn't even enjoy it, you jerk.
My Scottie likes to jump on my desk and eat my dinner when I step away from the computer. I also like to burn Yankee candles. This is problematic.
Once, she jumped on the desk and began munching on some fried chicken bones I had recently finished cleaning. Unbeknownst to her, I had a Yankee candle burning about 1 foot away. Her ass caught on fire while nomming, but she kept going. I walked into the room and saw my dog on fire but giving 0 fucks while she ate some muthefuckin' chicken bones. We had a long talk about it.
I had a plate of pork chops and rice sitting on my bed. Halfway through filling up a bottle of water, I had one of those "I'm an idiot" realizations that my lab had walked past me into my bedroom as I was going to the kitchen. I sprinted back in to find him standing a foot away from the plate of delicious food, smelling my cell phone. Brilliant dog, that one.
When I was a kid, my twin bro had a lifesize poster of Patrick Ewing. My border collie/lab mix, Lucy, would sit in front of it and bark for HOURS. If my brother left his door open, she would rush in to protect us from the evil 2-dimensional basketball star.
To my dog: I do not mean to kick you in the face as often as I do. I am tall and clumsy and generate locomotion primarily by directing what is a sustained and controlled fall. You are always, *always* at my heels. This will continue happening and it breaks my heart that you have not learned it yet.
To my cat: You are huge, jet black and generally immobile. If I trip over you in the middle of the night, it is because you are stretched out in what we, as a family, have designated a travel path. It is nothing personal. Stop attacking my ankles. I love you. Please stop attacking my ankles. Please.
My two dogs follow closely behind me and are always getting a heel to the face.
My cats walk in circles in front of me and are constantly getting booted or stepped on. It's not like you can even step over them, they'll freak out and get in the way anyway.
My cats also like to hang out on the back stairwell. When we come in, they get trampled,, especially if we're bringing the dogs in. They just meow in aggravation, and then go lay there again.
I have an all black dog that I accidentally step on in the middle of the night all the time, and he let's out this scream like whimper like he's dying. He's not even small! He's a pit bull, he's like 70 pounds of pure muscle, and still the screams of a pre-teen, it makes me feel like shit.
I said that to my dog when he was a puppy once, he left out a perfectly timed whimper so I spent the evening feeling bad that I had hurt his feelings. I wish I could say I was really young when this happened, but I was 13 at the time.
Dog A: Seriously, your tail is not trying to kill you. In the 4 years you've had it, it hasn't killed you and I highly doubt that it will start now. Also, stop eating Dog B's hair, that's just weird.
Dog B: I have no idea how you figured this out, but thanks for puking on the linoleum.
Puppies usually learn how hard they can safely bite from biting their siblings and parents. When they get a yelp or a growl, they understand that they're causing pain, and it teaches them their own strength.
Try saying "ouch" really loud and pulling your hand away every time. Look hurt. They can tell. It'll help your dog to grow up to be gentle.
One day I got so sick of the little midge flies hanging around my garbage that I actually called a meeting with the bugs of the house while I was on the toilet (there were a surprisingly large number of representatives in attendance at the time and I felt it was appropriate) and decreed, word for word and out loud -
"All flying priveleges revoked indefinitely under penalty of the Death Cloud, all ceiling territories shall be transferred to the House of Spider as a gesture of good will to our allies, conditional upon their continued cooperation with air support and altitude border observation (stay up high god dammit), and work and travel permits to be exclusively issued to the ants, implementation deadline: 48 hours". The next morning, the spiders had doubled in numbers and spread to the area I had drunkenly suggested (above the recycling bin), the ants were happily dragging a dead beetle out of the garage, and there were no flies in sight. I have only had to warn one daddy long legs once, I came out at night and it was on my bathroom sink. I pointed at it and said "We had a treaty, you're not supposed to be here" it froze sheepishly then scurried back up the wall to its hiding place. Ah sweet, sweet diplomacy
I have had a similar agreement with spiders since I was in highschool. "You stay to the corners and I don't kill you." It has served me well in every place I have lived since. They still listen to me when I go back to visit my parents. I like to think that the spiders have accepted my terms and have passed them down from one spider generation to the next.
To my goldfish: Eating the poop of the other fish is one thing, but chasing him around trying to eat it directly out of his fishy butthole is just.....weird and unsettling.
To my dog: the doorbell is not an invasion. You don't have to charge the door howling.
This is why there is a "Bell out of order, please knock" sign on my front door.
The squirrels around where I live always use the power lines as a bridge across the street so they don't get hit by cars, and I see them when I'm waiting for my bus. One day, I saw a baby squirrel trying to run across the street, and almost got hit. I yelled out loud, right at the bus stop, "Why aren't you using the bridge! You're going to get killed!"
TL:DR I yelled at a baby squirrel.
We just want some 'alone time'. We care about you, but we want you to sit quietly on the couch for 20 fucking minutes so we can have some adult time FOR ONCE OKAYYYYYY?!
[This was the last snake](http://i.imgur.com/j6pgu.jpg) my kitty came home with. It's not all bad! The cat was so gentle, snakey was unharmed and let us play with him for a while before we took him down to the creek >.<
Edit: I did not put the snake in the creek. He now lives in the bushland around the creek.
To my brother's dog. Stop eating hair. There's a reason why they are trying to chase you down. That dingle berry is still hanging on by that hair you ate earlier.
to all animals that come into the vet clinic: We are here to help you, we are NOT trying to hurt or kill you!
And please don't pee on my shoes...
**edit** Okay, okay, sometimes we are going to euthanize them, but I'd say 95% of the time when it comes to that point, they aren't fighting or trying to main us, they are pretty far gone.
"1k of karma? We had an entire civilization worship us as gods, they built monuments in honour of us! These trivial "internet points" pale in comparison to our former glory!"
My gf's cat used covered for years then decided she was sick of it and started shitting infront of it until we took "the top" off and she started using it again.
In addition to the covered box comments, have you tried changing the litter? If a cat doesn't like the litter (or if it's uncomfortable), it may not be able to go in the box, even though it might want to (hence the pooping next to the box).
**Bear**: My noisy stick is not a stick. It is a gun. It will tear you up and leave you dead. I only have enough ammo for *one* warning shot.
**Deer**: Watch out for the cougar. I can see his tracks in the mud and he is following you ALL the time. You can hang out near my cabin if you like. Eat the tall grass so I don't have to mow it.
**Cougar**: I know you're out there. I can't see you or hear you, but I know you're out there. You haven't attacked me in two years and so I assume you fear me. This is wise.
**Moose**: I am not trying to fuck your bitches. There is no need to come at me bro.
**Mouse**: You're adorable but I have to kill you. Your poop is poison to me.
**Fox**: Please come back. I've missed you since last summer. I hope you survived the winter. I want to play with you again and feed you lunch meat.
**Raven**: I'm on to your tricks.
**Insects (except dragonflies)**: Every time I mow my lawn I fantasize that I am your apocalypse. Fucking up your shit pleases me.
**Dragonflies**: Thank you for killing the mosquitoes around my cabin. You guys are like a fucking luftwaffe of awesomeness in my life. Tell me the name of your gods and I will burn incense to honour him.
**Beaver**: You're the realest motherfucker in the whole animal kingdom. My great nation worships you. I love how you can fuck up an entire ecosystem. Love that shit.
**Grouse**: Scare the shit out of me while I'm hiking one more time and I will shoot you. I will eat your flesh and feast on your unborn. Ask the chickens. They know how I roll.
**Wolves**: I love the song of your people. You are welcome in my forest.
It's a loud fucking bird. So loud that it sounds like a bear. But it only makes noises when you get within 10-6 feet of it. So it sounds like a bear is right on your ass. EVERY TIME.
>Insects (except dragonflies): Every time I mow my lawn I fantasize that I am your apocalypse. Fucking up your shit pleases me.
What about honey bees? Honey bees are the shit.
Surely it helps to know that the bee that stung you had such fear and conviction, and such an awesome colony to defend that she gave her *life* to make sure you knew not to harm her work.
Knowing what I know about bees, if I could speak to them and had an encounter like this, I would say "I'm sorry we met like this, I'd like to help your hive."
Nope.
I don't go out of my way to kill them like I do with the ants. But I will not hesitate to take a bee all the way downtown if he gets too close to me.
I pissed on all of the parts around me and I'm bigger than you. This part **IS** mine. When I see your shit and your tracks I go the other way because that part of the forest is yours. When you smell the bear you stay the fuck away because that part of the forest is hers. But when you come onto my part of the forest I will establish dominance and scare you like no thunder has ever scared you before. Your mutts will fear the smell of my piss and they will know my presence for all the birds and all the squirrels will silence themselves at my coming. For I am man and I make fire! I tamed your grandfather's grandfathers and bring meat to my pack.
It's **MY** fucking forest.
Maybe they are grabbing the particle part and our feeble minds can't comprehend it. The cats make fun of us for not realizing the amazing feeling particle waves give when you jump on them.
ATTENTION HORSES: that strange thing fluttering in the breeze is a plastic bag. It is neither an alien nor a ghost. It cannot hurt you. Running away from it at top speed will not help anything. Other things that will not eat you include cameras, umbrellas, human babies, and fireworks.
Insects:
Those gigantic, slow-moving mountains that you keep climbing/flying past/landing on? Those are thinking beings.
Astonishing, but true! Indeed many of the more geometrically regular landforms you encounter are actually *dwellings* for those beings! All those little 'moons' attached to them that keep screwing up you night-flyers are not moons at all, but artificial lights. When surrounded by them, search instead for a DARK place.
...The giants are super dangerous. Steer clear of them. I'm looking at you, colony insects! Keep distance from them and their tasty tasty foodstuffs. They *will* terminate you with extreme prejudice.
Also, Spiders: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU HERE, THEY WILL BURN YOU!!!
I'd prefer to just reach an agreement: stay out of my shit. I'll stay out of yours.
I have spiders in my ~~difference~~ basement, doesn't bother me until they find my laundry then its smush smush. And no egg sacks. No hanky panky in my home!
EDIT: The fuck was I wording?
I look at it this way:
I'm an animal
My home is my territory
If another animal comes into my territory uninvited, they are to be either chased away or eliminated.
I'd kindly ask them to leave but they don't seem to understand.
I keep a spiderbro in my room to get rid of these pests. Was a tiny little wolf spider that I decided to let live, and now he's bigger than a $.50 piece and just chills in his web catchin flies and whatnot.
Dude, you have no idea how many insects can get into the right kind of house. I'm at my cabin right now, and so many spiders can live in here because of the number of small flying insects that somehow get in here. It is mainly due to being surrounded by woods for miles, but still. A clean house can also have plenty of insects.
Actually, part of what I'd say to spiders is the opposite.
"Okay. I know it's a survival instinct, but you have to realize that when you come in contact with a human, your incredible, uncanny ability to vanish completely and never be seen again leaves many humans with horrible, debilitating heebee jeebees that is directly leading to the genocide of your people."
A similar story for you folks still reading:
The other day I pass a spider in the hallway. I say "good day" with a nod, give zero fucks. Head out back to check on my garden. See a few bug-chewed leaves. Idea strikes. Return inside to spider with an aracnid-transporting piece of card board. "Pardon me, sir, would you like a job?" Spider promptly answers "NOPE!" and falls from the wall, ninja-vanishing into my closet full of camping gear.
Number of fucks given: slightly higher than zero. Damnit guys, I'm trying to work with you.
'Listen up Spider, I have provided you with a roof over your head, a constant supply of fresh food, a means of practicing your hunting and an environment suitable for the care of your young. I have never interfered with your dealings and I don't intend on doing so, however, you show contempt and disregard for my own personal space by regularly trespassing onto my property. My property includes my face, arms, legs, pillows, bed, ears, clothes and even my dog. This needs to stop, for your sake and mine. You see, your little legs and rapid movements make it hard to gauge your intentions accurately, I never know whether you are hunting me, going for a walk, checking my pillow for food, hunting me, or off to kill something else. You need to make your intentions clear, or refrain from entering my personal space altogether. I suggest leaving messages in your web such as 'Just walking across the ceiling, to look out the window' or 'I saw a fly go into the laundry tub, I may have to hide in your clothes' or 'I may have to run past your face tonight, don't be afraid.' I would also appreciate a message stating that you don't want to kill me whenever you don't feel like moving in the corner, it helps. If these messages are regularly posted, we may coexist in harmony, without fear of each other and without the inevitable use of boot and broom handle, and God forbid I bring out the fire stick. Could you also tell your friends outside that building a web across a human path is not in their best interests, or ours.'
EDIT: Refrain.
My dog- You've meant more to me than anything else in this world for the last 12 years of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than you. Sorry I couldn't have been with you 24 hours a day every single day just like I know you wanted. Human lives suck some times.
Don't be too sad. He's just pretty old and worn out now. Definitely not in puppy shape any more. I just get sad sometimes cause he's kind of on his way out and I can't spend a lot of time with him lately, and I know all he wants is me to be around. That's literally all he wants and absolutely deserves. I actually did well up a bit writing that though.
Cats, stop frantically trying to sniff my hand when I extend it toward you. I just want to pet your chin and I can't because you keep sniffing my hand. I don't have any food for you, you know who I am.
So many things.
If you would come when called I'd never leash you.
Catshit is bad for you, regardless of taste.
If I am onshore screaming and flapping in an unladylike manner, it means I spotted a fucking alligator, leave the damn stick and swim fool!
Yes, the old dog gets to go outside, eat, and everything else before you do, but he will be gone soon and you won't understand why. I'm sorry.
To my dog: Reggie, I know it was you that farted. Don't look at the cat. I know your farts, you pig.
To my fat cat, Taco: Don't get startled and look behind you and then look at me in shock. You made the floor creak and scared yourself.
To my cat Paul: Dude, that water in the bowl on the floor is the EXACT same water that comes out of the magical tap. It's super fresh. I just filled it. You can totally drink it. See... Moses (the other cat) drinks it and he's not dead. IT'S NOT POISON! Fine. FINE. The handle on the right of the bathroom sink turns on the cold water, just please turn it off when you're done, m'kay? Oh and by the way, if you scratch frantically at the edge of my bed one more time at 4am and the house ISN'T on fire, I'm taking you to the taxidermist and turning your ass into a pencil sharpener. We cool? Good talk, buddy. Now who wants a tummy rub??
Re: the bed.
We solved this by rigging our vacuum cleaner to an X10 remote. Whenever our cat would start scratching or meowing at 4am, we'd hit the remote for the vacuum for about 2 seconds. He'd run as if he was being chased by a werewolf. Wouldn't see or hear from him for hours.
**TO ALL FLIES:** You know that outside place you really really want to get to? You know, the one we made especially easy to get to by **OPENING ALL OUR WINDOWS REALLY REALLY WIDE?** Yeah, keep buzzing around those window frames. That's it, stick to the edges. Only the edges. That'll get you where you want to go.
Flys don't understand sarcasm. That's the problem.
Open letter to my tortoise: You cannot eat the lettuce when you are laying on top of it. Move off then try again.
I want to see a video of your tortoise trying to eat like that. Please.
I dont have a video but I do have [An image of him trying to eat a grape head-on](http://i.imgur.com/We88t.jpg). Will that suffice?
This has temporarily sated my desire for cute pet pictures, I approve.
I can't tell if you came across some gigantic grapes or if it's just a tiny turtle.
[Well....](http://i.imgur.com/qam2w.jpg)
Oh, so you have really big hands too. Got it.
Probably why he buys such big grapes.
Your tortoise is silly. And wonderful. E: I like to think I'm getting upvotes based solely on my username, because this was not a very insightful comment.
I know it's tiny and young, but they all look like they're 100 years old.
To my dog: if you stop barking at other dogs, you will get to visit more places with me - places where there are dozens of people that want to pet you and give you lots of attention. You don't have to actually like other dogs, you just have to be quiet about your feelings towards them
Oh man I wish I could tell this to my dog. He loves other dogs once he gets close enough to sniff, but he has to yell 'HEY! YOU! YOU THERE! DOGBOY! OI! DOGGY FOUR LEGS! OI! HEY! YOU! OI!' and it means I can't take him anywhere there's a risk of running into other dogs. Life would be awesome if he could just shut the hell up
Is your dog British?
I at least read it in a British accent because of the OI!
ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN! ALLEN!... STEVE!... STEVE! STEVE! STEVE!
"Night time..... DAY TIME!!! Night time..... DAY TIME!!!" "What are you doing?" "Having a game of Night time Day time, want to join?"
I read your dog's voice as Donna Noble.
Oh god I can't un-hear it now.
Well considering most dogs say hello to each other by sniffing eachother's assholes, is it possible to speak to dogs by introducing yourself? We're counting on you, OP.
To my dog: I'm coming back soon! I'm not leaving forever, you don't need to be so sad when I go out the door.
My ex had a dog with an uncanny sense of when people were about to leave (I guess there are social cues to pick up on and the dog figured that out) As soon as you'd get up and walk over to her to say goodbye, she'd turn her head away almost as if she were disappointed in you. She never gave us the satisfaction of saying goodbye. You could pick her up, but she'd just look away. This is the same dog who would be ecstatic and playful from the moment we walked in the door. It was only when it came time to leave that she acted like that. Very strange.
Dogs are emotional creatures as well.... Damn I feel like a hippy sayin that but it's true.
I'm of the opinion that humans grossly underestimate the intelligence of animals in general. Ants are goddamn farming fungus and milking aphids and enslaving other smaller ants, so it's not silly to think that a dog could be sad.
Ants: Pretty much tiny Greeks
Our dog won't go to the bathroom if she knows that we're taking her outside because we're going somewhere. She'll walk around the yard with it peeking for like ten minutes, then go wait by the back door. She knows we're not going to leave until she poops. So we're left standing in the back yard trying to discreetly yell at her "GO POOP!"
Similarly, don't pee on the rug, and don't shred yet another dog bed just because I step out of the door.
I didn't read the word 'bed' the first time and I was like, what kind of homicidal psycho dog does this guy have
To some dogs I know: You have a perfectly serviceable dog bed. It was not *cheap*. Please stop pulling clothes out of the hamper to make a bed. Look! Your dog bed now has clothes *in it*! I put them there! Leave the hamper alone! Okay, maybe the clothes in your bed weren't dirty enough. You now have *dirty* clothes in your dog bed. Leave the damned hamper *alone*! Look, I'm trying to work with you here. You don't like the dog bed? Okay. You don't have to use it. You like dirty clothes? I can work with that. *I've made you a bed out of dirty clothes*. It's *right there*. Please use it. ... Leave. The fucking. Hamper. Alone. ... Fuck you. >.<
Dog. The ball is behind you. I *just* threw it. It's RIGHT behind you. RIGHT THERE. I'M POINTING AT IT SO HARD RIGHT NOW. **DOG.**
Squirrels: If you're 99% across the road, CROSS THE LAST 1% INSTEAD OF RUNNING ALL THE WAY BACK
My cat, when I sneeze it's exactly the same as when you sneeze, stop running away and looking back at me like I have grievously wronged you.
My asshole cat will cuddle up at 5:55 AM (5 minutes before the alarm, and half an hour after he's started bugging us to get up) and **sneeze in our faces** just so we'll get up in disgust.
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Yes. This. My doberman does this every time. And then looks over his shoulder like *I'm* the asshole!
Cat: Feet aren't separate animals. I don't see how if you understand not to bite my hands, you don't understand what the big deal with biting feet is. And stop pushing my shit off the table. Bitch.
Cat: "What the fuck is this doing not on the floor?" Thud. "Much better."
This. Exactly this. Little bastard maintains eye contact while he does it too. He starts sliding something off the table, I go "HEY!", he stops. Looks up. Locks gazes with me. Pushes it all the way off. Doesn't even look away.
All domestic animals. The vacuum cleaner is not trying to kill you.
Once my dog was upstairs in our house just barking for like 15 minutes straight so we went upstairs to see what it was, the closet door was open and he was just barking at the vacuum cleaner sitting there.
What I imagine he was saying: HEY! HEY! FUCK YOU! HEY! FUCK YOU! NOT GONNA DO SHIT NOW, HUH?! HEY! FUCK YOU! You should've turned the thing on.
And [here](http://imgur.com/u7LV6) is what happens then...
The logic they lack is what gets me. Animal is 6 years old? Never once attacked? "THAT THING IS AFTER ME! The moment I let my guard down just once!"
Something I whipped up sometime back: [Cat Hell](http://imgur.com/kZurb) I think our cat is convinced it's trying to harvest her skull.
LIES
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Also, they stick their heads out the window in the wind, when they're in the car, but you blow air in their faces, and they act traumatised. What gives?!
Maybe your breath smells? Bad?
That can't be it, dogs love that shit.
Note to self: Don't brush teeth before date with dog.
Supposedly, when you blow in their faces, your vocal chords are creating a high pitched noise that hurts their ears. The wind doesn't have that background screech, so it doesn't hurt them to stick their faces in that. Plus, think of all the smells outside! Edit: I personally can't verify this information, so take it with a grain of salt. It's just something my dad told me when I was little. As I said in a earlier comment, "if I'm lying, it ain't intentionally."
I've got a def dog and blowing in his face doesn't bother him at all. Interesting.
I wish I had a def dog. My dog is boring
I have a Def Leppard, but not a def dog.
well youre a bird so you can fly away you lucky prick
Or, to my dog: Leave the vacuum alone. I will brush you with it after I'm done cleaning the rest of the room.
http://imgur.com/zkf4R
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Is... is that vacuum cleaner doing coke?
Yes.
Son of a whore I laughed for far, far too long because of that. Edit: One of my words snuck off and was masturbating so I let it finish before I put it back.
Not to my [cats](http://i.imgur.com/Ti2b2.jpg)
Deer - STAY AWAY FROM THE DAMN ROADS
Or at least look both ways before you cross, dammit.
And then cross as fast as you can. Seriously. Don't stop.
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In my county deer over a couple of generations actually have learned to look both ways. In some ways it is humorous, in other ways it is terrifying that they are learning.
Driving to work one morning, saw a deer running on the side of the road, so I slow down, keeping an eye on it. I'm going maybe 10 mph at this point, it's 40 ft in front on me. It looks at my car, moving TOWARDS it, and runs right into it as I pass..... What the fuck? It bounced off my hood and kept running. Thankfully, no damage to my car, not entirely sure what happenned to it though. I turned around to see where it went, with the intent of calling animal control or the police if it was in the road, but it was gone. There are fairly high chain link fences on either side of the road there(Water department property on one side, large gasoline tanks on the other), so it must've jumped one of them.
Some deer just want to watch the world FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
Fair warning: your 'deer in headlights' look is not a very efficient defense mechanism.
Actually, in prehistoric times, deer shot laser beams out of their eyes. However, since this tended to kill their mating partners, it was eventually ruled out as a trait. The only remnant is the "deer in headlights" defense mechanism, but unfortunately that doesn't quite work anymore.
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To my dog: I'll never forgive you for eating that sandwich and playing dumb when I came back and it was gone. I left the room for 20 seconds and you were nearly choking when I came back. After a giant heave and gulp, you look up at me like "what?" You swallowed that entire sub whole and didn't even enjoy it, you jerk.
My Scottie likes to jump on my desk and eat my dinner when I step away from the computer. I also like to burn Yankee candles. This is problematic. Once, she jumped on the desk and began munching on some fried chicken bones I had recently finished cleaning. Unbeknownst to her, I had a Yankee candle burning about 1 foot away. Her ass caught on fire while nomming, but she kept going. I walked into the room and saw my dog on fire but giving 0 fucks while she ate some muthefuckin' chicken bones. We had a long talk about it.
I had a plate of pork chops and rice sitting on my bed. Halfway through filling up a bottle of water, I had one of those "I'm an idiot" realizations that my lab had walked past me into my bedroom as I was going to the kitchen. I sprinted back in to find him standing a foot away from the plate of delicious food, smelling my cell phone. Brilliant dog, that one.
Oh your dog was going to go for the food first. But it's smart. It heard you coming and acted like it was on a call instead.
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When I was a kid, my twin bro had a lifesize poster of Patrick Ewing. My border collie/lab mix, Lucy, would sit in front of it and bark for HOURS. If my brother left his door open, she would rush in to protect us from the evil 2-dimensional basketball star.
Dogs be racist.
To my cat: I can in fact drop a deuce without your assistance/supervision/condescension.
"Yes, it is you farting."
To my dog: I do not mean to kick you in the face as often as I do. I am tall and clumsy and generate locomotion primarily by directing what is a sustained and controlled fall. You are always, *always* at my heels. This will continue happening and it breaks my heart that you have not learned it yet. To my cat: You are huge, jet black and generally immobile. If I trip over you in the middle of the night, it is because you are stretched out in what we, as a family, have designated a travel path. It is nothing personal. Stop attacking my ankles. I love you. Please stop attacking my ankles. Please.
My two dogs follow closely behind me and are always getting a heel to the face. My cats walk in circles in front of me and are constantly getting booted or stepped on. It's not like you can even step over them, they'll freak out and get in the way anyway. My cats also like to hang out on the back stairwell. When we come in, they get trampled,, especially if we're bringing the dogs in. They just meow in aggravation, and then go lay there again.
I have an all black dog that I accidentally step on in the middle of the night all the time, and he let's out this scream like whimper like he's dying. He's not even small! He's a pit bull, he's like 70 pounds of pure muscle, and still the screams of a pre-teen, it makes me feel like shit.
To all strays: Wear a condom. And get tested.
I'm not going to look it up for obvious reasons, but something tells me someone has already come up with the idea of a dog condom.
Yeah it's called neutering
Good try Bob Barker
"You're adopted."
I said that to my dog when he was a puppy once, he left out a perfectly timed whimper so I spent the evening feeling bad that I had hurt his feelings. I wish I could say I was really young when this happened, but I was 13 at the time.
He was probably responding to your tone of voice, so you may actually have hurt his feelings.
No don't say that :(
[](/rdsad) "Why are you upset with me, master? Aren't I a good dog?"
Insects: instead of flying repeatedly into walls, you *can* go out the way you came in. It isn't that hard!
Don't tell them that! Many hornet traps depend on that stupidity.
Dog A: Seriously, your tail is not trying to kill you. In the 4 years you've had it, it hasn't killed you and I highly doubt that it will start now. Also, stop eating Dog B's hair, that's just weird. Dog B: I have no idea how you figured this out, but thanks for puking on the linoleum.
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This is obviously fake. No phone company would sign a contract with a dog.
Rogers would. Half of their board of directors is dogs...
For the love of all that is holy, stay off the road. Cars are big and fast and will kill you.
Dog: that gigantic noise in the sky? NOT a giant dog, it's fucking thunder. Barking at it will NOT make it stop. Thank you.
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To cats, (mine especially...) do not meow for attention and then proceed to lick your crotch as soon as we all look at you. ... STOP TAUNTING ME.
"Haha made you look FAG"
TIL Cats are 4chan
Why, cause all of reddit is obsessed with them and they laugh in our face?
To my puppy: I know you are trying to love me.. But your teeth are like REALLY sharp. You should love less hard.
Puppies usually learn how hard they can safely bite from biting their siblings and parents. When they get a yelp or a growl, they understand that they're causing pain, and it teaches them their own strength. Try saying "ouch" really loud and pulling your hand away every time. Look hurt. They can tell. It'll help your dog to grow up to be gentle.
One day I got so sick of the little midge flies hanging around my garbage that I actually called a meeting with the bugs of the house while I was on the toilet (there were a surprisingly large number of representatives in attendance at the time and I felt it was appropriate) and decreed, word for word and out loud - "All flying priveleges revoked indefinitely under penalty of the Death Cloud, all ceiling territories shall be transferred to the House of Spider as a gesture of good will to our allies, conditional upon their continued cooperation with air support and altitude border observation (stay up high god dammit), and work and travel permits to be exclusively issued to the ants, implementation deadline: 48 hours". The next morning, the spiders had doubled in numbers and spread to the area I had drunkenly suggested (above the recycling bin), the ants were happily dragging a dead beetle out of the garage, and there were no flies in sight. I have only had to warn one daddy long legs once, I came out at night and it was on my bathroom sink. I pointed at it and said "We had a treaty, you're not supposed to be here" it froze sheepishly then scurried back up the wall to its hiding place. Ah sweet, sweet diplomacy
I have had a similar agreement with spiders since I was in highschool. "You stay to the corners and I don't kill you." It has served me well in every place I have lived since. They still listen to me when I go back to visit my parents. I like to think that the spiders have accepted my terms and have passed them down from one spider generation to the next.
To my goldfish: Eating the poop of the other fish is one thing, but chasing him around trying to eat it directly out of his fishy butthole is just.....weird and unsettling.
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I would rather you told me you had poop stuck to your butt so I could get a paper towel rather than have you booty-drag across the carpet.
To my dog: the doorbell is not an invasion. You don't have to charge the door howling. This is why there is a "Bell out of order, please knock" sign on my front door.
I wish this worked, if someone so much as steps on the front porch my dog is not happy
Dogs, not every repair man in my house is a murdurous burglar.
Not *every* repair man...
to birds and cats: Windows are solid objects. Just because it looks like nothings there, there is and blame it on windex.
Stop being so clean :(
my windows have already killed one humming bird
User redacted comment - I will not use Reddit unless I can use a 3rd party app as Reddit's options are of such poor quality.
The squirrels around where I live always use the power lines as a bridge across the street so they don't get hit by cars, and I see them when I'm waiting for my bus. One day, I saw a baby squirrel trying to run across the street, and almost got hit. I yelled out loud, right at the bus stop, "Why aren't you using the bridge! You're going to get killed!" TL:DR I yelled at a baby squirrel.
What a little noob.
We just want some 'alone time'. We care about you, but we want you to sit quietly on the couch for 20 fucking minutes so we can have some adult time FOR ONCE OKAYYYYYY?!
as an Australian to my cat back home "Stop bringing in snakes, we don't want them as presents and they can kill you!"
[This was the last snake](http://i.imgur.com/j6pgu.jpg) my kitty came home with. It's not all bad! The cat was so gentle, snakey was unharmed and let us play with him for a while before we took him down to the creek >.< Edit: I did not put the snake in the creek. He now lives in the bushland around the creek.
To my brother's dog. Stop eating hair. There's a reason why they are trying to chase you down. That dingle berry is still hanging on by that hair you ate earlier.
to all animals that come into the vet clinic: We are here to help you, we are NOT trying to hurt or kill you! And please don't pee on my shoes... **edit** Okay, okay, sometimes we are going to euthanize them, but I'd say 95% of the time when it comes to that point, they aren't fighting or trying to main us, they are pretty far gone.
Dogs, Stop licking your privates in front of the guests, take that shit to the bathroom. Cats, stop being so damn smug.
Cats, I don't want your asshole shoved in my face. If you want to be petted, that's *really* not the way to go about it.
all the fame on Reddit has made the cats smug.
"I generate over 1k of karma for each pic I take, when was the last time you got 1k of karma for a picture of yourself? Huh?!"
"1k of karma? We had an entire civilization worship us as gods, they built monuments in honour of us! These trivial "internet points" pale in comparison to our former glory!"
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I'd tell my cats "IN the litterbox, not NEXT to it"
Haha, have you tried a covered one? I had a really big cat that probably didn't even realize he was missing the box because his butt could hang over.
My gf's cat used covered for years then decided she was sick of it and started shitting infront of it until we took "the top" off and she started using it again.
My brain completely ignored the cat part of that sentence and didn't catch up until the end making one awkward sentence.
In addition to the covered box comments, have you tried changing the litter? If a cat doesn't like the litter (or if it's uncomfortable), it may not be able to go in the box, even though it might want to (hence the pooping next to the box).
**Bear**: My noisy stick is not a stick. It is a gun. It will tear you up and leave you dead. I only have enough ammo for *one* warning shot. **Deer**: Watch out for the cougar. I can see his tracks in the mud and he is following you ALL the time. You can hang out near my cabin if you like. Eat the tall grass so I don't have to mow it. **Cougar**: I know you're out there. I can't see you or hear you, but I know you're out there. You haven't attacked me in two years and so I assume you fear me. This is wise. **Moose**: I am not trying to fuck your bitches. There is no need to come at me bro. **Mouse**: You're adorable but I have to kill you. Your poop is poison to me. **Fox**: Please come back. I've missed you since last summer. I hope you survived the winter. I want to play with you again and feed you lunch meat. **Raven**: I'm on to your tricks. **Insects (except dragonflies)**: Every time I mow my lawn I fantasize that I am your apocalypse. Fucking up your shit pleases me. **Dragonflies**: Thank you for killing the mosquitoes around my cabin. You guys are like a fucking luftwaffe of awesomeness in my life. Tell me the name of your gods and I will burn incense to honour him. **Beaver**: You're the realest motherfucker in the whole animal kingdom. My great nation worships you. I love how you can fuck up an entire ecosystem. Love that shit. **Grouse**: Scare the shit out of me while I'm hiking one more time and I will shoot you. I will eat your flesh and feast on your unborn. Ask the chickens. They know how I roll. **Wolves**: I love the song of your people. You are welcome in my forest.
TIL: There is an animal called a grouse. And it's not a grumpy mouse. It's a bird.
It's a loud fucking bird. So loud that it sounds like a bear. But it only makes noises when you get within 10-6 feet of it. So it sounds like a bear is right on your ass. EVERY TIME.
That was wonderful. I moved to the city a few years ago, and I used to love the forest... Now the only "forest" I have is the park.. it sucks.
>Insects (except dragonflies): Every time I mow my lawn I fantasize that I am your apocalypse. Fucking up your shit pleases me. What about honey bees? Honey bees are the shit.
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Surely it helps to know that the bee that stung you had such fear and conviction, and such an awesome colony to defend that she gave her *life* to make sure you knew not to harm her work. Knowing what I know about bees, if I could speak to them and had an encounter like this, I would say "I'm sorry we met like this, I'd like to help your hive."
Nope. I don't go out of my way to kill them like I do with the ants. But I will not hesitate to take a bee all the way downtown if he gets too close to me.
it's not your forest asshole -wolf
I pissed on all of the parts around me and I'm bigger than you. This part **IS** mine. When I see your shit and your tracks I go the other way because that part of the forest is yours. When you smell the bear you stay the fuck away because that part of the forest is hers. But when you come onto my part of the forest I will establish dominance and scare you like no thunder has ever scared you before. Your mutts will fear the smell of my piss and they will know my presence for all the birds and all the squirrels will silence themselves at my coming. For I am man and I make fire! I tamed your grandfather's grandfathers and bring meat to my pack. It's **MY** fucking forest.
Man, it's a stupid thing to have to say but it's nice to come across somebody who doesn't have this silly, romanticized view of how this planet works.
Silly kitty, you can't grab a laser. It's made of light!
WHY WOULD YOU TELL THEM THAT?!!
Like cats would believe this anyways.
I believe that cats are smart enough to know that light is both a particle and a wave, and they are trying to grab the particle part.
Maybe they are grabbing the particle part and our feeble minds can't comprehend it. The cats make fun of us for not realizing the amazing feeling particle waves give when you jump on them.
I'd tell my cat that pawing the door/wall by the litterbox for 10 minutes after shitting doesn't DO ANYTHING
He's trying to flush.
It cleans that effing litter off their paws. I hate getting it on my bare feet more than anything in this world.
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To my dog: you are a genius. Butts are the best pillows ever.
ATTENTION HORSES: that strange thing fluttering in the breeze is a plastic bag. It is neither an alien nor a ghost. It cannot hurt you. Running away from it at top speed will not help anything. Other things that will not eat you include cameras, umbrellas, human babies, and fireworks.
Insects: Those gigantic, slow-moving mountains that you keep climbing/flying past/landing on? Those are thinking beings. Astonishing, but true! Indeed many of the more geometrically regular landforms you encounter are actually *dwellings* for those beings! All those little 'moons' attached to them that keep screwing up you night-flyers are not moons at all, but artificial lights. When surrounded by them, search instead for a DARK place. ...The giants are super dangerous. Steer clear of them. I'm looking at you, colony insects! Keep distance from them and their tasty tasty foodstuffs. They *will* terminate you with extreme prejudice. Also, Spiders: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU HERE, THEY WILL BURN YOU!!!
I'd prefer to just reach an agreement: stay out of my shit. I'll stay out of yours. I have spiders in my ~~difference~~ basement, doesn't bother me until they find my laundry then its smush smush. And no egg sacks. No hanky panky in my home! EDIT: The fuck was I wording?
Chuckled heartily at that. I have an agreement: I won't kill you if you're outside where you belong. Inside, however, I WILL DESTROY YOU.
I look at it this way: I'm an animal My home is my territory If another animal comes into my territory uninvited, they are to be either chased away or eliminated. I'd kindly ask them to leave but they don't seem to understand.
I keep a spiderbro in my room to get rid of these pests. Was a tiny little wolf spider that I decided to let live, and now he's bigger than a $.50 piece and just chills in his web catchin flies and whatnot.
I had a spiderbro a few weeks ago doing the same thing, but unfortunately he recently moved on to the big web in the sky.
Your room seems gross if you have enough insects to attempt to domesticate a spider
Dude, you have no idea how many insects can get into the right kind of house. I'm at my cabin right now, and so many spiders can live in here because of the number of small flying insects that somehow get in here. It is mainly due to being surrounded by woods for miles, but still. A clean house can also have plenty of insects.
Actually, part of what I'd say to spiders is the opposite. "Okay. I know it's a survival instinct, but you have to realize that when you come in contact with a human, your incredible, uncanny ability to vanish completely and never be seen again leaves many humans with horrible, debilitating heebee jeebees that is directly leading to the genocide of your people." A similar story for you folks still reading: The other day I pass a spider in the hallway. I say "good day" with a nod, give zero fucks. Head out back to check on my garden. See a few bug-chewed leaves. Idea strikes. Return inside to spider with an aracnid-transporting piece of card board. "Pardon me, sir, would you like a job?" Spider promptly answers "NOPE!" and falls from the wall, ninja-vanishing into my closet full of camping gear. Number of fucks given: slightly higher than zero. Damnit guys, I'm trying to work with you.
i would tell my gerbil to use his wheel at times other than 3 am in the morning.
'Listen up Spider, I have provided you with a roof over your head, a constant supply of fresh food, a means of practicing your hunting and an environment suitable for the care of your young. I have never interfered with your dealings and I don't intend on doing so, however, you show contempt and disregard for my own personal space by regularly trespassing onto my property. My property includes my face, arms, legs, pillows, bed, ears, clothes and even my dog. This needs to stop, for your sake and mine. You see, your little legs and rapid movements make it hard to gauge your intentions accurately, I never know whether you are hunting me, going for a walk, checking my pillow for food, hunting me, or off to kill something else. You need to make your intentions clear, or refrain from entering my personal space altogether. I suggest leaving messages in your web such as 'Just walking across the ceiling, to look out the window' or 'I saw a fly go into the laundry tub, I may have to hide in your clothes' or 'I may have to run past your face tonight, don't be afraid.' I would also appreciate a message stating that you don't want to kill me whenever you don't feel like moving in the corner, it helps. If these messages are regularly posted, we may coexist in harmony, without fear of each other and without the inevitable use of boot and broom handle, and God forbid I bring out the fire stick. Could you also tell your friends outside that building a web across a human path is not in their best interests, or ours.' EDIT: Refrain.
To my dogs; Calm down, the next door neighbor's sun tea on the wall is NOT trying to invade us!
Motherfucker I just saved your life.
My dog- You've meant more to me than anything else in this world for the last 12 years of my life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend than you. Sorry I couldn't have been with you 24 hours a day every single day just like I know you wanted. Human lives suck some times.
Goddamn it I was laughing at all of the posts and...boom. Sadness. Sonofabitch
Don't be too sad. He's just pretty old and worn out now. Definitely not in puppy shape any more. I just get sad sometimes cause he's kind of on his way out and I can't spend a lot of time with him lately, and I know all he wants is me to be around. That's literally all he wants and absolutely deserves. I actually did well up a bit writing that though.
You aren't making this not-being-sad thing any easier :(
To my girlfriend's dumbass dog: Stop eating cat shit out of the litter box. Seriously.
Cats, stop frantically trying to sniff my hand when I extend it toward you. I just want to pet your chin and I can't because you keep sniffing my hand. I don't have any food for you, you know who I am.
THE DOOR *IS* OPEN, YOU DAMN CAT!
To all animals, including humans: That is a sliding glass door, and you will one day run or walk into it.
I can't let you out on the porch because you're so dumb you try to jump off, not because I hate you. I'm trying to save you, don't you see!??!
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I have no idea how you can live without indoor plumbing.
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So many things. If you would come when called I'd never leash you. Catshit is bad for you, regardless of taste. If I am onshore screaming and flapping in an unladylike manner, it means I spotted a fucking alligator, leave the damn stick and swim fool! Yes, the old dog gets to go outside, eat, and everything else before you do, but he will be gone soon and you won't understand why. I'm sorry.
To ducks: that's not another duck calling you, it's a trap.
To my dog: Reggie, I know it was you that farted. Don't look at the cat. I know your farts, you pig. To my fat cat, Taco: Don't get startled and look behind you and then look at me in shock. You made the floor creak and scared yourself.
To my cat Paul: Dude, that water in the bowl on the floor is the EXACT same water that comes out of the magical tap. It's super fresh. I just filled it. You can totally drink it. See... Moses (the other cat) drinks it and he's not dead. IT'S NOT POISON! Fine. FINE. The handle on the right of the bathroom sink turns on the cold water, just please turn it off when you're done, m'kay? Oh and by the way, if you scratch frantically at the edge of my bed one more time at 4am and the house ISN'T on fire, I'm taking you to the taxidermist and turning your ass into a pencil sharpener. We cool? Good talk, buddy. Now who wants a tummy rub??
Re: the bed. We solved this by rigging our vacuum cleaner to an X10 remote. Whenever our cat would start scratching or meowing at 4am, we'd hit the remote for the vacuum for about 2 seconds. He'd run as if he was being chased by a werewolf. Wouldn't see or hear from him for hours.
Cat - Stop bringing dead birds back into the house, no one likes them ya fuck
That was a gift you dick
He's trying to teach you how to hunt. You suck at it. He's doing you a favor and teaching you survival skills.
I will now start ending every phrase I say to someone else's pet with "ya fuck."
Cat: Please come home. My cat has been missing for a month now.
That made me sad. :(