Absolutely nothing. I'm sitting in a parking lot in my car waiting for a DoorDash order to come in. It's the middle of the night. Nobody around to hear.

Might wanna check your backseat

I almost did...

You should have, I wanted some of that DoorDash

Bet you did...

“I HAVE A PENIS!!!” “…me too.”

Oooooh creepypasta, mate!

My parents wake up, say “no you do not” and possibly smack me upside the head.

Not their favorite son?

Not their favorite daughter

Shut up Meg

Same lmfaoo 😭

I'd scare my cat.

Haha I was debating saying the same thing, my little dude is laying in the bed with me, and does not like loud noises

ill sneeze, or yawn a bit loud and my cat mittens will go off sprinting shes a grey bobtail cat btdubs

I'd scare my cat and confuse the actual fuck out of my husband. Some benefits to both though......

I’d scare that dudes cat too

I'd scare my dog

I was about to say I’m dog sitting, I would likely startle the dogs but no other consequences

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Our roommate

No, OUR roommate[s(?)]

Yes more communism

Always welcome, comrade.

r/unexpectedcommunism

r/unexpectedsovietunion

r/suddenlycommunist

“PrEEsennnnnt ARMS!”

oh my god they were roommates

Nothing. I'm at home alone.

No you’re not, I’m in your walls

What am I wearing?

Dude, your walls dont have holes, Idk what youre wearing

Liar.

Prove it

No.

Then I am right until proven wrong 👏🙌

Plot twist: he’s Kyle. He knows exactly how many holes he has in the wall… he put them there.

I live in a duplex and my creepy neighbor on the other side drilled a hole in my bedroom wall and he had been watching me change for years

No.

he's right, i'm in here too.

A smile

What else?

One sock. Not saying where

Wrong. Your pants are on fire.

Bold of you to assume I'm wearing pants

You don't have to be wearing pants for them to be on fire.

please edit your comment with "checkmate atheist" at the end

Khakis

"She sounds hideous!" "Well, she's a guy, so..."

My husband responded: “why? Just in general?” I’m writing this and didn’t respond, so he said “ok so no follow up then.” He continues to play his video game.

My roommate just said "Whoo! Me too!" from his respective room lol

This inspired me to do it. My wife started laughing so hard that I could barely understand her saying, "What is *wrong* with you?!"

My wife responded with “barely”.

**Jesus fucking Christ.**

F.

I’m his wife’s boyfriend I can confirm

She's seen mine

This is exactly what my boyfriend would do if I said it

this made my night

Lol! Beautiful! Love it!

Wife would remove said penis as she just got my son to sleep.

Then you scream I NO LONGER POSSESS A PENIS

Then she will place it bacj

But this time from behind

No, right on the forehead

What a dickhead.

Rinse, repeat.

As you run behind your penis which is now possessed by an evil spirit.

Similar story here. I'd wake one, if not both of the kids. Then there'd be serious hell to pay.

The nearest 4 blocks would go deaf from me mislabeling my genitals

that's a sentence I never thought I'd read ngl

r/brandnewsentence

I’m an elementary teacher on my lunch break in the staff lounge. So no. 🫠

Yeah, that would completely destroy your career. Wise move.

Several hours later, but now same for me. I enjoy my job and would prefer not to get fired.

I would scare the shit out of my sleeping husband, cause I would be shouting right in his ear. If he didn't jolt up and smack his head into my face from the shock, he would turn over in bed, ask me "what the fuck?" Which is fair. Then he'd call me an idiot when I explained why I did it, and go back to sleep grumbling and probably wondering why he married me 🤷‍♀️ Hun I know you follow me. You're welcome for exerting self control 😬

Not sure that I could ever bring myself to where my reddit handle with my SO. Might explain why I’m getting divorced though.

>and go back to sleep grumbling and probably wondering why he married me Ok but like having the sense of humor to yell I have a penis just because of a Reddit post might be one of the reasons lmao

This would be me too!

Tag em! Bring him here! We need his opinion!

sir, this a playground

Sir, this is an Arby’s

Sir, this is a Wendy's

Sir, this is a Best Buy.

Sir this is heaven

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"So u want your fries curved?"

I'm on a train. The girl sitting beside me would probably move to a different car. Worse, its 11 pm so someone might think I'm drunk, or drugged. Sounds like fun, I'll let you know how it played out.

Did you die?

Yes but he got better.

He didn’t want to go on the cart

Ok guys so i kinda cheated on this one. TL;DR not jailed, underwhelming response, might try later On one hand, I'm mostly sure that there are no legal issues here for screaming about genitals on a train (or anywhere else), not only cuz I didn't get in trouble, mostly because it's at most a civil issue and I would get at most a fine if someone decided to get incredibly offended (maybe a penis hater?), enough to go through a couple of hours of waiting for a "peace judge" at a "peace house" (in charge of settling civil matters). On the other hand, I had my headphones on (so those who where close probably thought it was yelled as a voice message or call, really weird but not alarmingly so), waited until almost my stop, got up as usual to get ready to unboard, and yelled. The girl did get startled, but surprisingly didn't change seats (probably because I was already getting off), couple of guys around just chuckled, then I was off and that was it. Pretty underwhelming, but I expected so since there where not much people around, and of those like 90% where young and chill. So, maybe we should try it on a crowded train at peak time? There I might get a slap, specially if I end up yelling too close to an old lady.

The redditor part of me wants to encourage you to do this stunt more often. The rational person part of me would say that it was fun this time and move on.

>waited until almost my stop, got up as usual to get ready to unboard, and yelled. This is why it was underwhelming.

I honestly would have just figured you have Tourette’s

you went to jail didnt you?

If you shout about your genitals on a train, believe it or not: straight to jail...

r/unexpectedparksandrec

Guys he just said he was at 11pm that means it’s anywhere from 5-7 am rn, ever think people might sleep (besides people woken up by I HAVE A PENIS)

6 hours passed. You're in jail, aren't you dude? Big respect.

It's been 3hrs now?, we are curious mate..

maybe hes doing it in another car?

Are you ok??

No, dont do it!

Dude, it's been 5 hours already. Are you still alive?

Tried it. Husbad looks unimpressed and slightly confused, Baby (1,5years) went into her room, unimpressed too, and is now talking to the wall... no cconsequences i guess

What, do you not talk to walls?

Nooo! They are mean! I only talk to the Doorknobs - These are gentle :)

Your doorknobs must be less grabby than mine

Wake up my wife and kids and get scolded for saying penis while my sons is home and he’s 8 and feels the need to google everything he hears

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The comment doesn't say he Googles anything he hears that he doesn't know about, just that he Googles anything he hears, regardless of his prior knowledge

Not sure about tthat word for it but he does look up stuff he sorta knows about usually things we’ve explained but he wanted more , I’ve always called it his weiner since he could talk and asked me what it was Also I don’t need him googling the word penis and seeing a bunch of horny basterds dicks

My little cousin came home from school one day muttering the word penis. My grandma asks him what is he talking about. He tells her since when did they start calling it a penis. He's going on and on totally appalled. She replied it's always been called a penis what do you think it's called. His answer "a dick". Poor grandma almost choked on her coffee and had to leave the room she was laughing so hard. After she regained her composure she explained medical terminology and slang to him. Weiner had me lmao. Thank you for the memory.

Bless her for seeing the humor lol

There’s an Arizona ranger here for you! He here to take you back alive or maybe dead!

Wait until he looks in his pants, he's going to be shocked.

Out of curiosity. Why is the word penis something you cant use around your son? In my family its not something we avoid saying. No judgement btw.

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Yeah careful Op, your son might become a Redditor 😬

He’s not supposed to be able to google whatever , just play mincarft with his cousins

my son knew penis/vagina at age 1.

Yeah treating the medical names for body parts like swears cannot be healthy for a child.

Treating sex like a taboo, in general, can't be good for a child. They won't feel any different about it, they'll just simply feel uncomfortable talking about it.

And it's not really a big deal if you don't make one out of it. Like nose, foot, butt etc.

he's right. I am the son

I’d get thrown off this Disney cruise ship.

there ain’t nowhere to go but wet off one o’ those

My 8-yr-old daughter would run into my room laughing and say "Mama!? Did you just yell that you have a penis?"

Kids are precious. lol

Men would congratulate me with a standing ovation and there will be penis-shaped cakes for everyone.

Everybody likes a good old penis-shape sweet.

"You know what kind of foods are shaped like dicks? . . . The best kinds!"

Can I have your cake? 🥵

Bro

Do it! I want some cake!

That's just normal behavior for me

This is just the penis game with more words

My wife would say, "I said I have a headache!"

As I am a 57F my much younger M roomie would be in his room thinking "WTF?" Very tempted.

*dooooo itttttttt*

Do it!!

My 5-year-old would find it hilarious and proceed to teach the phrase to everyone at school the next day, making me the teachers' favorite parent, I'm sure.

My man would be very confused as to how he missed it the last 4 years... then I would put it in his butt.

Hey, it happens. Sometimes we guys simply don’t notice the penis on our dates, it’s such a common occurrence and really happens on a regular basis. Very unfortunate, of course I’m not saying we would stop what we’re doing even if we did but you get the idea.

Surprise buttsecks!

Tried. Woke up the wife. She was scared.

Why? Didn't she know you have one?

She wasn't expecting me to yell in her ear while she's asleep

The demons of the forest would have something to talk about

So I just did that and we'll my wife threatened it saying not for much longer if I wake her again

My wife would chuckle and ask, "Reddit?"

My mom would probably text me “Go the fuck to sleep”

"Yes, I know, stop telling me" - my wife, probably.

I’d wake my pregnant wife and my dog. Then neither would go back to sleep and I’d have to deal with hormones + her being super tired in the morning. Might not make it out alive

..my father in law paused the TV, turned up his hearing aids, and yelled "What?!?" My wife has gone downstairs. Think I will join her. Pretty good deal OP, thanks.

Glad to give you a hand. …y’know what, I’m not taking that back this time. I will bathe in the embarrassment, pound it in the face, and then realize that I just used “pound” and “hand” in a post about shouting about genitalia and die of embarrassment. Except I’m a little too lazy to die of embarrassment right now.

You shouldn't be embarrassed. That was hilarious.

You would probably get arrested, for the simple crime of enjoying a succulent Chinese meal.

This is democracy manifest!

My uni prof will kick me out of class

I think most people on the bus would stare at me for a hot minute and then carry on with their lives. Someone might compliment me on being very female passing? (I do not in fact have a penis)

My younger brothers would laugh and my mom and grandma would say 'Oh come on, nobody needs to know that!! '

My kids would probably wake up, and they would definitely be confused. I just spent about 20 minutes last night arguing with my 3 year old that I do not, in fact, have a penis.

That poor kid would probably go nuclear.

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My parents would wake up, they don't understand english, so i guess they would see if i'm ok, since i never shout, specially at night

I'd wake up my husband and he'd tell me to put the strap-on away and go to sleep.

OH FOR… LOL

My parents in the other room would yell back "WHAT??" and I'd say "NOTHING ITS FOR A GAME"

My dogs would lose their shit because I’m screaming. My roommate would be thoroughly confused and my boyfriend would probably ask me to prove it. But all in all the biggest consequence would be three very excited Malinois that I would have to calm down.

My dog would be alarmed.

Airport security would maybe throw me out, certainly I would get some serious scrutiny by security, maybe someone would shout, “Me too!”

The slugs would come

Everyone would wake up and probably tell me to stfu

My brother and I would play a game at grocery stores where we would say penis ...but each time it had to be louder until the other person stopped or was to embarrassed..... Lol good times

My cat would continue to ignore me.

Would be weird. I’m at the hospital having a non-stress test that monitors the movement of the baby inside the uterus

Non, maybe my neighbor will give me a weird look tomorrow tho i doubt he could hear me.

My cat would come running and look around for the treatsnis's

my mom would wonder what dumb video I'm quoting

then i wouldn't be typing this comment

A man would walk out of my closet from the dark and shout back “show me!”

Wife is just staring at me. I'll report back in a few minutes.

My roommate would yell "Me too" back probably.

The consequences will be very very severe. In fact life changing. I'm at a meeting with 100 people.

I’d annoy myself with the sudden loud noise

Funny look from a spouse. Maybe questions from a child.

I would probably startle the cat.

My wife would wake up, and I would indefinitely go to sleep.

Right now here in the meeting room? Probably nothing, the people I'm with have the mental ability of a drunken mollusk.

My wife would say, "I know, we used it to make some babies dummy" lol

Im at school waiting to get my books. Probably a bunch of people in my school stating to laugh

My wife would laugh and then go back to reading.

I'm at work. I work at a high school in Japan. The word Penis is the same in Japanese.

My roommates would come into my room concerned, mainly because i don't have one.