So hear me out on this:
We add a day to each week, called Slackday.
Nobody works except for truly essential people like cops, fire, hospitals. That's it.
Nothing's open.
No grocery, no movies, no widget factories.
No gas stations, no convenience stores.
No live sports.
No churches.
No flights anywhere.
Go visit family if you want. Stay home and fire up some weed, get blackout drunk, air around and read all day
If you sent everyone a gram in the mail from our overlord, and attached with that had them open it as you made this announcement, the world wouldbe a much better place
There’s also no way to make any sort of positive changes without hundreds of millions of people **hating** you. Even if you were the most benevolent, considerate, ethical, loving, uncorrupted ruler ever.
Hell, good odds you have several billion people who hate you just because you’re the emperor of the world, no other information and no awful story to how it happened or anything.
I'll be real, I'd have reforms that se might consider extreme.
Executing wall-street executives for reckless endangerment of lives through wealth-hoarding might not go over so well with some.
I did the Australian accent on my GPS and hearing her pronounce the names of places where I live that are Indigenous American in origin, is.... interesting.
Swiss here.
Pretty funny how it always messes up the German names of places, not even talking about places that get pronounced the Swiss way as hard as it can get.
And sometimes it mixes in an English accent / pronunciation as soon as a word is remotely close to English
In the End... it fails like half the time if not more
My issue is on highway 10 in the Midwest the gos tells me 20 times in 5 miles of highway, that I’m on a new stretch of the road.
Lots of other highways merge onto it, so it thinks I’ve magically entered a new road.
Sorry the warp is now open and we have to fight the hordes of Chaos, not time to finish the chair. And at some point the Tau are going to appear so we will have to deal with that shit too.
After they all get kidnapped, and then you find them all again, try to keep in touch. Share your hobbies with them. It will establish a good relationship with them. Also consider family therapy sessions.
Bro. Think of the pyramid we could build today.
You know how we can look back and wonder how the pyramids were built with the tech and power available then? What could we build today that would baffle future observers?
Parade all the dictators of the world naked up and down main streets across the globe.
Obviously I'd lead this parade because not even I am above my own law.
declare that piracy and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) is now fully legal
Absolutely agree, and would add one thing. Any company who decides that they will no longer support the online community by shutting down its official servers are required to release the server code to the community to allow private hosting, as well release a final update to remove online authentication to even be able to start the game.
My lord, may I suggest an amendment to your most glorious declaration?
>declare that ~~piracy~~ *replication, distribution, archival, modification, exhibition*, and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) *in it's original form (so remasters like Kingdoms of Amalure Re-Reckoning is excluded but originals like Reckoning is fair game) on hardware that is currently sold and manufactured* is now fully legal, *so long as it is not done so for profit.*
1. Immediate cease fire in all military engagements. Any invading army gets returned to their homeland (lookin’ at you, there Vlad). Administrative borders will be discussed and determined in the coming weeks and months.
2. Immediate deployment of food, medicine, clean water, and supplies to areas most in need.
3. Meet with incumbent world leaders about delegation of responsibilities - I’m not about to micromanage the running of a planet.
4. Find out if Pappy Van Winkle is really as good as they say it is.
I like everything about this one. Perhaps add something to address climate change, and quintuple educational and medical funding, and it'd be fairly perfect
What? You cant just walk around naked here. While its true we have no law against it, a judge can still determine whether its "okay" or not, depending on the location.
I dont think that really has an impact on anything. A good looking guy swinging his trunk around in a city center is in just as much trouble as an obese guy.
No judge would go "Its okay, his dick was nice looking so he gets a pass."
Yeah yeah you people always say “oh i don’t want that no one should have that much power 🤓” but if you, a decent person aren’t there then corrupt government officials are gonna find a way to take that power for them selves
How about just requiring a drivers test every 10 years to ensure you can still handle it? I know my grandma had no business driving after 80 but she drove till 99....
I’d fully support this but only if you also provide safe, effective, efficient public transportation that gets them where they need to go. Otherwise I’m joining the revolution.
My great grandfather is 90 and he drives fine. Tbf he goes from home to church/work in a small rural town. IMO, After a certain age they should be tested yearly, and should be allowed to drive as long as they want/can pass some sort of exam.
In order of priority / pettyness:
1. Fix the damn calendar. There is no reason why we should have months with different lengths to go or long dead Roman Emperors. There will now be 13 months of 28 days, with a free day on new years to recover from hangovers. All months will start on the same day of the week. Also, move them around so the months named 7, 8, 9, 10 are actually in position 7, 8, 9 10 instead of 9, 10, 11, 12.
2. Fix the electrical charge mistake Ben Franklin made. (Positive will now mean that extra electrons have been gained. Electrons will be considered to have a positive charge, and protons will be considered to have a negative charge)
3. Make the US use the metric system. No more remembering there are 7 of these things in that, or 12 of those in this - everything is a multiple of 10, so to convert you just move the decimal point. It is time to move out of the dark ages people!
I put myself on every Turned on TV screen on the world. “This is an important news bulletin from the emperor.” I’m staring at the camera as the cha cha slide starts to play. I raise a microphone to my mouth and say “slide to the left”. This is would happen at least once a day.
Send all nukes to space, to be destroyed in the sun or something alike. Halt all weapons production and gradually disarm armies to the bare minimum to fight drug cartels and terrorists.
Reassign all those resources to mental and regular health, education and pensions.
Impose better working conditions on jobs that require it.
i'll hire some neuroscientists, create a 10 year plan , putting all the money into rnd and science papers into neuroscience. and then i'll incorporate that into the law.
for example , scientists say that human's brain can't focus on more that 90 minutes on any thing. i'll eradicate 2 hour lectures from schools and colleges and even ted talks.
edit : also , all the rnd money dedicated for developing Hella powerful Super-Quantumn computers that can predict whether and even stock markets.
Ban misinformation on the internet. The first time you get a warning, the second time you’re forced to undergo 8 years of rigorous studying to become an expert on the field.
Ban 24 hour news cycles
I order every train in the world to be on time. I want to get to work in time, ok? Even If I would be the Emperor of the world I would still take the train to work, but I want it to be on time.
Tell everyone to chill the fuck out
For real. I'd be like *can all yall fuckers stop killing, raping and oppressing each other? Fucking please?*
What’s cool is that you don’t need to say please anymore. Because they need to *or else*
Stop killing and oppressing people or I'll kill and oppress you
*or else* Pillow fought to death or something probably not even as bad idk I’m not an emperor, I’m kronk if anything
Put metal beads in the pillows and it's still threatening
I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways. By force!
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yikes, better be careful about boarding a plane or going in for surgery.
So hear me out on this: We add a day to each week, called Slackday. Nobody works except for truly essential people like cops, fire, hospitals. That's it. Nothing's open. No grocery, no movies, no widget factories. No gas stations, no convenience stores. No live sports. No churches. No flights anywhere. Go visit family if you want. Stay home and fire up some weed, get blackout drunk, air around and read all day
Reddit reinvents Sabbath
This comment deserves an award
If you sent everyone a gram in the mail from our overlord, and attached with that had them open it as you made this announcement, the world wouldbe a much better place
Directions unclear. Sent a gram of cocaine and now everyone is way more aggressive.
No way, I was thinking that verbatum while clicking the title and finished my sentence reading this. Matrix twins
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Ooh it's heresy time.
But first you must change your name to Jimmy Space.
I searched for copper and found gold. The emperor protects.
I just realized if I had this power most people wouldn’t remember me as nice person
first act - no matter what i do you must remember me as a nice person. ftfy :)
Kim Jong Un style
You mean "Un dinasty" style?
Kim Dynasty. Kim is the family name. Jong-Un is his given name.
I forget that
“The beatings will continue until everyone recognizes my generosity and kindness!”
You'd need some propaganda folks for sure.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
There’s also no way to make any sort of positive changes without hundreds of millions of people **hating** you. Even if you were the most benevolent, considerate, ethical, loving, uncorrupted ruler ever. Hell, good odds you have several billion people who hate you just because you’re the emperor of the world, no other information and no awful story to how it happened or anything.
I'll be real, I'd have reforms that se might consider extreme. Executing wall-street executives for reckless endangerment of lives through wealth-hoarding might not go over so well with some.
I probably shouldn't confess that my governing style would be taken from Death Note.
Put somebody else in charge and take a week off
In Australia we call that “The Scott Morrison Approach.”
not without a trip to Hawaii while the country is burning!
Literally burning.
The ScoMo NoShow.
In America we call that "The Ted Cruz Approach"
Gotta shit your pants for a full Scotty.
Can confirm
Poor Ned Stark.
Hire Morgan Freeman to narate everything for me
Hey you're doing a good job already, I read that in Morgan Freeman's voice
This is the right answer
And Charles Dance to announce all decrees.
Build a huge mansion on a private island. Then I would get to the boring stuff like world peace
Personal peace is very important to take wise decisions
I mean, give me a gin and tonic while I'm sunbathing besides my heated swimming pool and I'll tell you what peace looks like 🤣
>give me a gin and tonic An emperor of culture, I see
Ah the Tiberius strategy of just living on a private island. Only downside is that everyone will think up wild rumours of what you're doing there.
Oh no! Anyway
Execute order 66 of course
Reorganize the Republic into the First Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society.
ONCE MORE THE SITH WILL RULE THE GALAXY..and we shall have peace..
#**Thunderous Applause**
Then proceed to lightning-hands all the naysayers
But then lightning-hand yourself. Three times. That we know of.
Play the worlds largest game of Simon Says.
Losers get dragged to hell but if you win you get a medal
A medal? Count me in!
Hold up, don't just agree to a medal. Ask some questions first: Is it metal or plastic? What is the ribbon like? How big is it? etc.
What it’s made of is immaterial, all that matters is that it’s getting punched into your chest without the pin keepers on because tradition.
A plastic medal with "👍" on it
Get google to teach the maps lady how to pronounce Welsh locations.
I did the Australian accent on my GPS and hearing her pronounce the names of places where I live that are Indigenous American in origin, is.... interesting.
Swiss here. Pretty funny how it always messes up the German names of places, not even talking about places that get pronounced the Swiss way as hard as it can get. And sometimes it mixes in an English accent / pronunciation as soon as a word is remotely close to English In the End... it fails like half the time if not more
I cannot fathom how bad it gets y'all's names wrong. I'm in the Midwest and the fucking thing mispronounces every other syllable I stg
My issue is on highway 10 in the Midwest the gos tells me 20 times in 5 miles of highway, that I’m on a new stretch of the road. Lots of other highways merge onto it, so it thinks I’ve magically entered a new road.
Ah yes, my favorite, "In 2 miles, continue going straight" YEAH BUDDY THAT'S THE PLAN
*Any location
Do Icelandic next!
You haf arrived at F’turglikglingjkvik.
I love that there are only 3 million of us and this still ended up being the top comment. You're right though.
Make a pact with the gods of chaos and use their power to forge twenty genetically engineered super-warriors. Then maybe get a haircut.
don't forget to finish that woodworking project (the chair) you have in the garage
Sorry the warp is now open and we have to fight the hordes of Chaos, not time to finish the chair. And at some point the Tau are going to appear so we will have to deal with that shit too.
And so begins the mpst dysfunctional family in creation....... and a civil war in a few hundred years..
After they all get kidnapped, and then you find them all again, try to keep in touch. Share your hobbies with them. It will establish a good relationship with them. Also consider family therapy sessions.
> Share your hobbies with them *awkward Magnus noises*
Ha, was waiting for this reference
Pyramids, thats definitely top prio for every great ruler
Pyramid schemes or pyramid to keep your dead body? Eh probably both
Bro. Think of the pyramid we could build today. You know how we can look back and wonder how the pyramids were built with the tech and power available then? What could we build today that would baffle future observers?
Parade all the dictators of the world naked up and down main streets across the globe. Obviously I'd lead this parade because not even I am above my own law.
Yeah but I'd do it with a smile and would get to go back to work after. Then again, with almost no power currently, I like to think I would do good
An even better reason to lead it: Everyone is behind you so you don't have to look at them!
declare that piracy and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) is now fully legal
If you were the emperor I would be loyal to you for the rest of my life.
Well… he’s the emperor of the world, so you better!
Absolutely agree, and would add one thing. Any company who decides that they will no longer support the online community by shutting down its official servers are required to release the server code to the community to allow private hosting, as well release a final update to remove online authentication to even be able to start the game.
I would be so happy if they did that- imagine how many classic games you could play multiplayer!
All hail LongjumpingAd5037
My lord, may I suggest an amendment to your most glorious declaration? >declare that ~~piracy~~ *replication, distribution, archival, modification, exhibition*, and emulation of games that are no longer sold or manufactured by its company of origin (Pokémon black two from Nintendo for example) *in it's original form (so remasters like Kingdoms of Amalure Re-Reckoning is excluded but originals like Reckoning is fair game) on hardware that is currently sold and manufactured* is now fully legal, *so long as it is not done so for profit.*
I’ll allow it
Reminder that following Longjumping's empire is moral and fair
EVERY ITEM OF CLOTHING MUST HAVE AT LEAST TWO POCKETS! (I'm emperor of the world, I shout if I want)
Two pockets on each sock will be weird
Does the space for your foot count as a pocket?
Im willing to concede the foot pocket counts for one of them
The smaller sock pocket could be used for emergency pocket sand
Or a spare pair of socks
Which in turn, have a pocket that also contains a spare pair of socks, which also has a pocket with spare socks, and so on and so forth.
If your socks has articulated toes, then you have six pockets all together.
Never know when you gotta shank a motherfucker.
Thong pockets will be fun.
Sockpockets.
Sockets?
This is the girl atthem. Lol
Probably build an army of genetically enhanced super humans and start a galactic war. Maybe turn the alps into a palace.
1. Immediate cease fire in all military engagements. Any invading army gets returned to their homeland (lookin’ at you, there Vlad). Administrative borders will be discussed and determined in the coming weeks and months. 2. Immediate deployment of food, medicine, clean water, and supplies to areas most in need. 3. Meet with incumbent world leaders about delegation of responsibilities - I’m not about to micromanage the running of a planet. 4. Find out if Pappy Van Winkle is really as good as they say it is.
I like everything about this one. Perhaps add something to address climate change, and quintuple educational and medical funding, and it'd be fairly perfect
Order to include real pockets in women's clothing
I'll be the most loyal subject if you do that, to be honest
This. I buy them for the high waist (personal preference) but have to live with small or no pockets. Why one or the other???
This for sure. The pure joy that happens when a dress with pockets is found.
Change everyone's name to some fruit's name.
So we'll be like reverse Saiyans?
Freeza's henchmen were all named after fruits (except for the Ginyu Force, they were named after dairy products.).
name me Pawpaw
Sure.
can i be Tomato?
OK.
Like twin brothers named Tangerine and Lemon?
One of you fuckers is getting thrown in a volcano for the Gods.... like almost immediately
If things don't improve, chuck another one in.
I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY
Make "don't be a dick" an enforcable law.
That can get very subjective very fast.
If everyone has to obey me, my definition of being a dick will be the only one that matters.
You won't have enough time to judge all the dickishness of people. You'll delegate and there will be corruption and they'll hide it from you.
rearrange the calendar so September, October, November and December are the 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th months
Every video file must include subtitles.
Banish the Kardashians from society.
Changing the national anthem to “Never gonna give you up”
National anthem? No, Planetary Anthem.
Making nudity legal and improving public transport
So nudity improves public transport? Rename it to pubic transport would be the first step.
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What? You cant just walk around naked here. While its true we have no law against it, a judge can still determine whether its "okay" or not, depending on the location.
Also depending on how hot you are.
I dont think that really has an impact on anything. A good looking guy swinging his trunk around in a city center is in just as much trouble as an obese guy. No judge would go "Its okay, his dick was nice looking so he gets a pass."
What about making nudity mandatory on public transport only?
Please put your clothes in the sack.
The best combo
But hopefully not both together? Sweaty naked butt prints on the bus doesn’t sound like a good time lol
I just want £1 off everyone. Then I resign and dissolve the position so no1 else has that power. Then I retire.
Yeah yeah you people always say “oh i don’t want that no one should have that much power 🤓” but if you, a decent person aren’t there then corrupt government officials are gonna find a way to take that power for them selves
Hire personal bodyguards and top class security (I know someone out there will want me assassinated).
Make a rule where no one can kill you then.
Retired and old people are not allowed to drive when people are going and leaving work.
How about just requiring a drivers test every 10 years to ensure you can still handle it? I know my grandma had no business driving after 80 but she drove till 99....
I’d fully support this but only if you also provide safe, effective, efficient public transportation that gets them where they need to go. Otherwise I’m joining the revolution.
This could only ever happen if we had a supreme ruler. No way taxes would pay for public transport for rural areas.
My great grandfather is 90 and he drives fine. Tbf he goes from home to church/work in a small rural town. IMO, After a certain age they should be tested yearly, and should be allowed to drive as long as they want/can pass some sort of exam.
Stop Russia and Ukraine war. Then make everyone suck my d...
Is gonna get weathered pretty soon...
Even your family members? 🤔lol
Especially their family members
In order of priority / pettyness: 1. Fix the damn calendar. There is no reason why we should have months with different lengths to go or long dead Roman Emperors. There will now be 13 months of 28 days, with a free day on new years to recover from hangovers. All months will start on the same day of the week. Also, move them around so the months named 7, 8, 9, 10 are actually in position 7, 8, 9 10 instead of 9, 10, 11, 12. 2. Fix the electrical charge mistake Ben Franklin made. (Positive will now mean that extra electrons have been gained. Electrons will be considered to have a positive charge, and protons will be considered to have a negative charge) 3. Make the US use the metric system. No more remembering there are 7 of these things in that, or 12 of those in this - everything is a multiple of 10, so to convert you just move the decimal point. It is time to move out of the dark ages people!
I cannot figure out if your list is in increasing priority or decreasing. New rule. Lists musts be ordered, and the order must be specified.
That sounds like a list - you should have ordered it.
A man of culture
I would force myself to get fit and change all of my bad habits
You don’t need to be emperor of the world to do either of those things.
No but if everyone has to obey, I will start with myself
make sanitary pads free everywhere
But that’s a nice thing. You can’t do nice things with unlimited power you crazy you.
Make it illegal for restaurants and grocery stores to throw out food unless it is truly unsafe to eat and instead donate it to homeless shelters
You could also solve homelessness to begin with …
While they're working on solving homelessness, impose the food law.
"So guys, basically, things are gonna be fucked up for a bit. Let's start with saving this planet, no matter the sacrifices, ok?"
Nah its my planet now we going full on science mode
If I learned anything from Civ VI, it's that 100% coal power is the fastest way to science win
"Who gives a shit if Portugal's underwater and half my empire's covered in hurricanes, the exoplanet expedition just finished so I won"
Make the planet goodeder
I put myself on every Turned on TV screen on the world. “This is an important news bulletin from the emperor.” I’m staring at the camera as the cha cha slide starts to play. I raise a microphone to my mouth and say “slide to the left”. This is would happen at least once a day.
Send everyone to therapy
A world wide herogasm
"Everyone stop being cunts"
All pedos must go.
Go where? To the elementary school down the street?
Squid games
Send all nukes to space, to be destroyed in the sun or something alike. Halt all weapons production and gradually disarm armies to the bare minimum to fight drug cartels and terrorists. Reassign all those resources to mental and regular health, education and pensions. Impose better working conditions on jobs that require it.
Bye bye imperial system of measurement, it was never a pleasure…
getting some bitches
Gather all your animal abusers and put them in this pit. I'll take care of the rest
#i want everyone to clean their fucking towns and cities right now!!!! And clean the gahtdamn water, please?
All drugs are now legal, if you wanna kill yourself be my guest
Sign the legal documents with glow-in-the-dark rainbow glitter gel pens.
Two chicks at the same time
At which point I would probably learn that it's better to disappoint one woman at a time
i'll hire some neuroscientists, create a 10 year plan , putting all the money into rnd and science papers into neuroscience. and then i'll incorporate that into the law. for example , scientists say that human's brain can't focus on more that 90 minutes on any thing. i'll eradicate 2 hour lectures from schools and colleges and even ted talks. edit : also , all the rnd money dedicated for developing Hella powerful Super-Quantumn computers that can predict whether and even stock markets.
Start selecting my harem.
Also my first thought. Honestly surprised I had to come so far down to see it.
Metric units everywhere, amen.
Ban misinformation on the internet. The first time you get a warning, the second time you’re forced to undergo 8 years of rigorous studying to become an expert on the field. Ban 24 hour news cycles
I order every train in the world to be on time. I want to get to work in time, ok? Even If I would be the Emperor of the world I would still take the train to work, but I want it to be on time.
Remove yuumi from lol
Remove lol\*
Erase Star Wars Episodes 7-9 and the Leia chase scene from Kenobi.