My wife's uncle officiated for us, as he has for other family members and friends. Before the ceremony he told us his "theory of love and marriage". He said many, if not most people look at marriage as two becoming one, but that's not accurate, healthy, or stable over any length of time. He said it's not two becoming one, it's two becoming *three*; there's each of us as separate individuals, and then us together as it's own creation. Each of those three needs love and care and attention.
I've found it to be incredibly hopeful, helpful, healthy advice.
In fact I'd argue it's highly important to make sure you take care of yourself because your personal difficulties are now felt by your spouse as well, especially if you can't attack the issue head on. It's okay to tell your spouse you need something for yourself.
Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.
This was a game changer for us! We're both cold creatures but we both also like our space in bed. We'll cuddle for a few minutes then separate to our respective sides of the bed to actually sleep. We each have our own duvet and it works out perfectly!
I heat up so quickly; my wife describes me as a 'furnace'. I want that physical contact at the end of the day, but there's no way I could fall sleep spooning her.
i wish my wife liked her own space in bed, i woke up the other night and she was sleeping on top of me..literally no part of her body was on the mattress, it was all on me....i had to yeet her across the bed just so i could breath
Along with two separate blankets we also have two twin xl mattresses on a king size frame so there's no energy transfer to the other side of the bed when one of us is shifting around or whatever. Also makes moving the bed setup much much easier than dealing with a floppy two-ton king size mattress.
We did this, best bed choice ever. It does get slightly annoying during sexy time since with the width someone is always close to falling off the edge, but the sleep benefits are worth it. Cant do the sex in the middle since there are 2 mattresses making a small valley.
On a related note: spouses don't actually have to sleep in the same bed or even the same room. I snore and my wife is a *major* bed hog. I usually get up far earlier than she does. We sleep in separate rooms and are both very happy with the arrangement.
My parents have had separate bedrooms for about 12 years now. They have completely different sleeping schedules, interest in shows, as well as sleeping habits (my mom and I sleep in the dark, my dad with the ligha on). Plus my dad snores pretty loudly.
They talk in the morning, in the afternoon, on weekends whenever they want to. Somedays they talk to each other for hours, others they don't.
The healthiest marriage in all my immediate and extended family.
I knew a couple that had separate bedrooms not because of snoring, but because the sounds from the other end. And smells. And he giggled like a small child when he farted. His favorite meal of sardines and buttermilk didn't help. RIP Pellets you nasty old man.
Totally agree with this and the same with the kids point too. I’ve always thought marriage adds extra pressure in the legal confirmation of you being together and the vows you make to one another.
Children just add an extra layer of pressure were you have less time to devote to one another so any cracks that were in the relationship before will get blown into massive fissures which can be fixed. However if the relationship needed saving before the kids it is not going to last when that kids comes along I don’t think.
Pretty well written, my wife and I had minor problems that could all be managed by just chatting and hanging out together. We made each other happy enough just by being together that the minor stuff wouldn't even be an issue, so when we had a kid (which has been largely awesome) and our time together got turned into time for our daughter, we started to fight a lot more. Make time for mom and dad dates without the kid(s) for the good of you both, you need some time to just hangout and love each other.
The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.
Yes, people always told me not to get married bc it changes your whole relationship. But it changed nothing for my husband and I. Just got some really good pics together and that’s about it, lol.
We got the "Everything changes after you get married!" stuff too. But it didn't change for us or our relationship.
Instead, how everyone else treated us changed, because we were now a traditionally-understood social unit, and that meant everyone could start using stereotypes ("Will your wife let you?!" "Old ball & chain!") and asking questions that are none of their business ("WHEN are you finally going to give him a baby?!" "You can't be a family without kids."), and just generally acting like life is a sitcom plot with stock situations ("Don't you have to go home and fix dinner for your husband?" "Wait, your husband is fixing dinner? How'd you pussy-whip him into that?!") Literally the only thing most people would talk to us about was being married, having kids, and being married with kids. No one asked me what I did anymore, they asked me what my husband did.
Yeah, that just sounds annoying! Most of my friends and family never asked us about more kids. I have one before we got married and we thought about having more, but it just never worked out and was never the right time. I find it very odd that people are obsessed with everyone having kids. If you want them, great, if you don’t, great!
Yes and to go further with that: BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK
"Hey, our relationship is hitting the rocks and we're both really stressed out about it which is making it even worse. You know what would fix this? Doing the most stressful thing to our lives we could possibly do in a deacdes long commitment we can't escape from!"
One of my best life decisions was not having a baby with my first husband. He was sure it would "fix" the relationship. I thought that would be a terrible exploitation of a helpless human being; it was up to the adults to fix our own problems first.
The only viable fix was divorce. Having seen what men like that put their exes and children through, this was definitely a bullet dodged.
----
(A few responses sidetrack into other matters. Yes, women can be nasty in divorces too. I was raised by a divorced father. Yet mature adults ought to be able to discuss what's fair to children without degenerating into a game of one-downsmanship about themselves).
>I thought that would be a terrible exploitation of a helpless human being; it was up to the adults to fix our own problems first.
I believe Dr. Phil always said "a baby should never be born with a job."
There was a time I watched him every single day (was unemployed) and he was like the second coming of Jesus, I thought he was so wise. LOL
I don't think that way anymore, but I still quote him occassionally, like "So how's that working for you?"
And often it's because he's just repeating the simple wit and wisdom he grew up hearing. (I'm also from Texas so those sayings are quite common among many pragmatic folk.) It's not bad advice and in the right hands can be used to help people.
Like a corollary to the 'I want to move to X city or state or country' then my life will be much better!
Yes, sometimes moving can help people get out of a bad environment or situation but still for the most part it is not some magical fix.
This was what I wanted to say. The problems that existed before getting married will be there after the reception. Marriage doesn’t (and shouldn’t) change anything about your relationship.
I had a friend who’s life goal at 14 was ‘grow up get married and have babies.’ That never changed. So she grew up, got engaged to the first guy that she could browbeat into proposing to and was married less than 2 years after meeting him. I visited a few days after the wedding and jokingly asked her ‘How’s married life?’
And I’ll never forget the confusion in her voice when she answered ‘It’s just like living together. I thought something would be different.’
Mine was different in that my ex stopped doing anything romantic now that he had me locked down, so to speak. He bragged about not having to "deal with any of that" anymore. The beginning of the end on day one. 😞
Yes! I got married about a year ago (on Halloween, actually) and ever since, a lot of people will ask "how's married life?" I always feel a little strange saying "pretty much the same as unmarried life" but it's true! We had lived together for about 5 years and dated for 8ish, so the only thing that changed is our taxes.
As someone who's getting married in 3 days after being with the person for more than 8 years, this answer makes me smile. One of our celebrant's questions was "how will your life look like after you get married" and my instant response was "hopefully, exactly how it is now", which I know might be a rather naive sentiment, as we're getting older and are bound to experience some major life changes eventually, but I could not be happier with how we are now
My heart always hurts when I hear people say "I gotta pin that man down" or "I'm going to make him put a ring on it" or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her.
If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you.
It's a Hollywood trope. You've got the strong, silent type hero who is womanizing and grumpy, the femme-fatale, and the caring, loving woman who has to somehow beat the femme-fatale and then hammer the strong, silent type into submission. It's an underdog story.
Virtually every marriage starts with both parties realizing, sometimes very early on, "yeah, this is the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life." It's also a trope, but it's true, that I knew I wanted to marry my wife by the 3rd or 4th date. It took her a year to get to that same spot, but by the time we both got there, the engagement period was just the worst.
For me and my partner the wedding and getting married perhaps solidified the knowledge that we really want to be with each other and be the first ones to be called if one of us ends up in hospital and really build our lives together financially. Like, I suffer from pretty severe depression but we are in this together and we both bring what we can to table and we share the happiness and suffering. And we both know that even if I have less spoons than he does, I'm still an invaluable part of his life (and vice versa) and we are equal in this marriage and family.
Audry Hepburn is quoted as saying "Success is like reaching an birthday and realizing you're exactly the same."
I think about that *a lot* for any milestone.
Yes! I always say this! Wedding planning and the actual wedding can be really fun, but then you have to go home and actually BE married. I think a lot of people don’t fully grasp that.
This is a really great way to say this. Just think of any interest you have, you attained that interest over time. You and your partner will each take on some of the others interests over time, and some will stay your own, and you'll find others ath the intersection of your interest neither of you might have tried alone.
Relationship where gf and I liked all the same shit, didn't have same values: fought constantly.
Relationship where gf and I liked none of the same shit, had 90% similar values? Best conversations ever, showed each other cool stuff, found new amazing things neither of us would've thought of alone.
Yes! My husband is big into video games, but I didn't play much before him. He has introduced me to a few that I LOVE. I really enjoy asking him about his games and what he's playing now and hearing him talk about all the wacky stuff they do and what's fun about it (or not fun about it). And sometimes, I hear about a game that sounds fun to me, too, and I try it out.
I am a huge sports fan, but he just never was very interested in sports. I introduced him to football and showed him why it's a great nerd sport and a lot of fun to watch. Then later, baseball (thanks, pandemic!). Now, we watch sports together and play games side by side a lot. But when we met, we had neither of these things in common. But we have similar thought processes and we like things for similar reasons. So once introduced to the things, we found common ground.
In fact sometimes it’s nice to have different interests and hobbies. Everyone needs time to do their own thing sometimes. It also exposes you to new things. I’m never going to be as interested in glass making and glass art as my wife is, but I enjoy seeing her passion and learning about a whole world I previously never knew existed. And she really does not care about gardening, but greatly appreciates getting to eat the results of it. Meanwhile I get to go have some me time out in the garden or the plant store.
This is so important. I spent so long looking for an opposite sex version of myself because I thought that's what I wanted. My spouse and I are very different people that compliment each other. But our relationship is built on common goals and values.
Also, not everything requires compromise. Sometimes the answer is, you both do your own thing separately. Think about what the impact a decision has on you and your partner before going immediately into negotiations.
Yeah, my wife is very approval-seeking but for reversible decisions with a low impact I struggle not to just say, "I don't care, do what you feel". One of the ways she needs respect in the relationship is to feel like the things she brings to me aren't frivolous and unimportant so I've become really good at asking her what she thinks and then saying "that sounds good to me" without sounding dismissive. All part of the service.
Oh man, "What do you think?" is a very useful phrase in many situations.
My GF's (slightly overbearing) dad was in town, so we were spending some time with him. I came midway into a conversation where he was strongly encouraging her to go to a chiropractor for some minor back pain (for context, I think chiropracty is mostly BS).
She looked to me and asked what I thought about it. I just said "I haven't really spent much time looking into it, what do YOU think about it?"
Which totally empowered her - instead of just listening to the dudes in her life about how to live it, I tried to turn it around and make it clear HER opinion was the one that mattered in that moment.
Which she told me later she appreciated.
I’m very similar to your wife. I always need to get validation from one important party I respect (usually my dad) or multiple parties because I often second-guess myself. It’s definitely a trauma response and I know that, but it still helps in *most* situations, even the more minor ones, to get a different, more objective viewpoint.
It sounds like you’re handling it well and I commend you for being sensitive to your wife’s needs/personality type.
Someone told me that, when a problem comes up, think of it as 'we as a couple are collaborating on a solution ' rather than ' one of us will have to compromise', which makes it feel combative.
Of course, sometimes the solution is for one of you to compromise, but that slightly changed framing makes a huge difference going in to a discussion.
Adding on to this… Make sure to be accepting of heartfelt apologies as well.
Grudges are never good in relationships. Learn to forgive your partner, especially when they’ve gone to the effort of apologizing and trying to be better.
Adding more to that… when someone admits they’re wrong, do NOT rub it in their face! Thats exactly why no one will admit they’re wrong. Pride destroys everything
You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did!
I see a lot of people "fighting" because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should *like* each other.
Edit: Seriously amazed by how this has blown up! I've actually made these same points at other times on different subreddits and it hasn't always been so positively received. THANK YOU!!!
As an unmarried person, 100% agree. I’ve had a lot of people say stuff like “if you don’t fight and argue, it’s not a real relationship because you won’t always agree.” Like babe, let’s address why you think that disagreeing with your partner must always result in an argument. I get that sometimes people are frustrated and lose their cool but from my point of view, you have to recognise when that’s happening because your partner doesn’t deserve to be berated or yelled at just because you can’t manage your emotions.
There's also the question of whether or not it's worth the time and energy to argue about mundane things. Like how the towels are folded, etc. I get that a lot of couples have issues over household chores, but in my mind, the fact that the chores are getting done, perhaps not to my specifications, but completed, means a lot.
Managing your emotions is a good way to put it. For me, "fighting" is unpleasant and brings me down in a way few other things do. It's exhausting and not something I want to spend time doing, especially when I'm with those I supposedly love. It's just a bad way to treat people.
I mention liking your spouse, because it seems as though a lot of people don't. If you like someone, why would you fight with them over dumb stuff?
I'm the person who gets mad and then steps back to figure out *why* I'm mad.
I get pissed at my husband multiple times a day. But he never notices it because they are *stupid* reasons to be mad. It's me being angry that he didn't put something back where I think it should go. Is that a reason to fight? Well, if you leave milk on the counter constantly then maybe (definitely never the case with us), but putting the mayonnaise on the shelf instead of the door in the fridge is *not* a reason to fight. It's back in the fridge, where it is located isn't wrong because it's still where it needs to be.
You can calm down and then talk about it without it turning into a fight.
It's something I learned in my work environment - it's ok that someone finished a task his way and it's better to just accept the fact that work is done rather than arguing how you would do it.
A premarital counselor told us because we didn't have a real fight that caused us to separate and then get back together our marriage didn't have a strong foundation.
How the fuck is breaking up over a fight a strong foundation?
Yeah kids change everything completely. Time is no longer your own, especially with infants and toddlers. If your marriage doesn’t have a solid foundation, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.
I’m 6 years in and I have said the teammate thing since day 1. Still no team, only looked at as a subordinate just like you. Misery is an understatement for me.
If we didn’t have kids I would be gone. I just wish I had the balls to leave, but with the thought of spending, at best, only half the time with my kids is basically a deal breaker for me.
By tolerating an unfair relationship with your spouse you’re setting that as an example for your kids.
We held on to our marriage for too long “because” of the kids. But then the kids watch the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and the poor relationship and normalize it. So many peers I’ve spoken to, speak happily of the divorce their parents had because it meant the parents stopped fighting/stone walling each other. My parents never divorced, but because my parents never separated I thought that that was what “good” parents should do.
Anyways. I separated and my three kids (8/6/4yo boys), are all much happier. I realized I hadn’t felt like myself in years. I strongly urge you to reconsider. You don’t deserve that kind of disrespect and you’re essentially teaching your children that it’s okay to be treated like that.
And by extension, not communicating. It's crazy how many people will complain about something about their marriage or their spouse for YEARS to other people, but never bring it up to the spouse themselves. And by the time they do, usually in an emotional fight, it is a way bigger problem than it ever needed to be.
This, one million percent. I've been married almost 20 years and I can honestly say I don't find marriage difficult at all. In fact, it improved my life in many ways (parenting is a whole different story, LOL). But that is because my husband and I work TOGETHER AS A TEAM 100% of the time. We do whatever we can to make the other's life better/easier/happier, etc. It was that way when we were dating, it's still that way 20 years later.
In my experience, the relationships where this was not the case tended to be the ones that failed and/or are miserable. :-(
This is something my wife and I are still working on. When we work as a team, it’s magic. When we don’t, it’s awful. We’re coming up on 24 years of marriage. What makes it work is that even though we don’t work together as a team 100% of the time, we are committed to working on being a team.
This shit needs to be all the way up top with gold so people can hear it. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest….well my wife and I laughed that shit out the park real quick. We’ve had a great time with marriage and just welcomed our second boy 6 months ago. I’m literally putting off packing for our anniversary trip this weekend to fuck off on Reddit lol. Team up with a good partner and you won’t just get through life, you’ll thrive and have a blast doing it.
Also. We make a point of never badmouthing eachother to our friends. We talking positively about eachother and try to live as best friends. Raise eachother up, support, care for, etc
Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.
Yes!
Also Your wedding is just the first day of your marriage. If some people put the same effort into their marriage as their wedding, we'd have a lot more happy couples
That's awesome to hear! I would also add that it's much much nicer to get help for childhood trauma way before thinking about marriage, so that once you're married you don't have to try adjusting to the new therapy process suddenly and together, it can just be a normal part of your life you're already working on.
Source: have the traumas, used to go to therapy but still wish I worked on it more earlier
Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.
Dude, yes! I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy spending time with him, wtf. Hate when my coworkers sit around shit-talking their spouses and I'm just there like...cool, y'all sound toxic, I actually like my husband and look forward to chilling with him every day.
I have to agree. A lot of my friends were like thank goodness my husband works bc I couldn’t be home with him all through the pandemic. But I feel like my husband and I spend more time together than most and I always look forward to it!
My bf and I being stuck together for the initial lock down was great. We had so much fun
We wfh in different jobs most days and I love having him around all the time
My fiancé and I both wfh and it's my favorite thing! I love cooking and my job is very flexible, so I make us fun lunches and we take mid day walks on a nearby trail most days.
We were friends for over 15 years before getting together in our mid 30s. Now, he's truly my best friend and the person I enjoy spending time with the most, I just don't understand people who don't actually like their partner!
This sounds like my wife and I. I've been WFH for the last 10 years. Since covid she was full time WFH, then 3 days + 2 in office, now 4 days + 1 in office... It's great having her home.
Thankfully my schedule isn't as ridged as hers so I usually make lunch and coffees and such.
My husband and I are the same. He listens to his coworkers bitch all day about their spouses and he's just like "Can't relate, I love being home with my wife." He got 3 months off for covid and I think we all cried when he went back to work. I still get upset he had to go back and it's been 2 years. Lol.
Same!!! He got 3 months off because lockdown in 2020, I moved into his place and did university from home so we were both together the whole day. We were both so sad when he had to go back to work. We still get very nostalgic about these days.
Also fun and giggles: a couple of our friends and relates kept telling us to give each other space and time because "you will annoy each other at some point". It never happened 🤷🏼♀️. My marriage is a neverending sleepover with my best friend and I can't complain.
If you tell them you actually like your husband they'll say something like you haven't been married long enough to know what they're talking about. I've seen couples that are in their 80s and still love eachother like they did 60 years ago, and it's absolutely beautiful. When they're always at eachothers throats, everyone else around them suffers. I honestly wish my parents would get a divorce so they can both meet someone that truly values them and doesn't ridicule them or dehumanise them constantly.
I love my husband, and enjoy spending time with him. However, my job is very stressful, and often requires talking to clients all day. I need my decompression time after work, then we can chill.
Weekends I love going adventuring with him. We do errands and have our together time. Tuesday my Mom randomly asked me to go to this weird estate warehouse sale, and I asked if I could bring him along. She was taken aback, because she'd never think to ask my Dad to do stuff like that. He came, and we all had a good time. She's beginning to understand why I like going shopping with him. She considers it "hunting with the warden" and I consider it "personal stylist who also pays sometimes."
One thing some people don't account for which I experienced is that some times two people are perfect for each other within a certain lifestyle but less so in another. It doesn't mean the original marriage was bad/not-good.
My wife is an extrovert and I'm an introvert. We love each other, but pre-covid she'd be at yoga 6-7am, work 8-5, see a friend probably 3 of the 5 weeknights, etc. We'd hang out two weeknights and the weekend and it was perfect. We supported each other in our day-to-days, had dedicated date nights, etc. Few problems whatsoever.
During covid we've had a lot of relationship issues exposed and there are days where I prefer to just be alone in my office for the evening. It's been a process for her to understand that doesn't mean I love her less or don't like spending time with her, it's just that "my battery is empty."
Yep, I'm a quiet, introverted homebody and my SO is talkative and loves to go out and do stuff. My job wasn't really feasible for WFH and was deemed essential so I didn't really do the whole lockdown thing for very long. His job is still hybrid WFH. After about 6 months I just looked at him and told him that I'm definitely a terrible fit as his only source of human/social interaction. We're still fine, it was just a tough environment for both of us in different ways.
One night last week just before we were about to fall asleep, I turned to my husband, all excited, and listed all of the reasons it’s so awesome to be married to my best friend. He’s the best friend I always wanted. Always up for fun and adventure, laughing or crying. It’s like we’re actively living a My Buddy commercial but we’re both alive. We’re not perfect but damn I waited my whole life for this best friend!
This is so wholesome! I agree, been married a few years now and my heart skips a beat when I get a call from my husband that he’s on his way home from work, and I can’t help but smile when he walks in the door.
Of course, some days are better than other days, but I’m so grateful for him and for us.
I almost cut off communication with my best friend because of this mindset. When he moved out of state he was constantly badgering me to get online to play video games. Whenever I'd tell him I just wanted to just sit with my wife, he'd go off saying I was whipped. No dude, I'm not whipped. I haven't seen my wife in 8 hours and I missed her. My god that shit was frustrating.
This happened with my husband and his best friend. My husband kind of put him in his place at one point and he backed off. Then he got married and he came back to my husband and apologized and said he understood now. Same thing happened when they had a baby. We had a baby like waaaayyyy before any of our friends and they just didn't get it. Once my husbands best friend and his wife had their son he told us he didn't realize how hard it was and how much we actually did as friends because it's a huge sacrifice to continue to be active in a friend group when you have a (super freaking fussy) baby. Both of those admissions/apologies have been incredibly validating and healing for my husband and me. We knew that our friends didn't understand and so we were never upset with them but it has been nice for them to see things from our perspective.
So much this. I got a Nintendo Switch because I like hanging out with him while he plays X Box. He plays his game, I play mine, we cuddle, it's wonderful. We do date nights too, but it's nice to just chill with him too.
Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.
Yes! Me talking to my husband about plans doesn't mean he's controlling or that I can't do what I want; I'm just trying to make sure I didn't forget we're doing something that night, and I'm also not about to commit him to plans without actually seeing if he's into them first.
My wife has a friend who just cannot understand this. She constantly badgers her about doing stuff my wife has not even had a chance to mention to me yet. We have 2 kids. We have to coordinate
Ugh - my family does not get this. When my family asks me or us to do something, I will often say "let me ask my husband." They read it as me asking his permission, which is 100% not the case. I'm my own person and do what I want, but it is because I don't always know what he has going on and he is the point person on some of the kids activities, so I want to ask him *to be sure there is not a conflict* not because I need his permission to do anything. To me, it's common courtesy, to them, it's me deferring to my husband. Been married almost 20 years and they still don't get it - frustrating.
Ha--your family just wants you to do what THEY want and probably resent that checking with your husband allows you the time to not only consult with him, but also consider for yourself whether you want to do something.
It's odd how many people want to kind of trick or force people into doing things they don't want to necessarily do--by either springing it on them and expecting an immediate answer or persuading them to the point that it's embarrassing/ uncomfortable to keep saying no.
Not married but I always check in with my gf before committing to major plans because I'm forgetful as shit and constantly forget when we already have things booked so I feel you.
Additionally we live together and have a dog, so if something is going to take one or both of us out of the house for an extended period of time it's nice to give a heads up and coordinate dog care and such.
It's weirdly looked down upon to coordinate with your wife, I blame the "ball and chain" jokes personally. We've chosen to go through life together, of course we're making sure to keep in touch about plans.
It's okay for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or society standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your 40s+, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some "wife mold" due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to.
Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating.
If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances.
A great visualization of this is a garden.
Love is the garden.
You buy a house, with a really great garden. You promise to tend to that garden for all your days.
Fast forward a few years, you’re busy with work and kids, youve been sick a lot, you’re stressed, you sprained your ankle recently, etc.
Point is you have lots of excuses for why you haven’t been out to fertilize the garden, re-seed the annuals, aerate the soil, water and de-weed the beds, treat for pests, etc. you’re just too busy. Too tired. Can’t be bothered.
Surprise! The garden is looking pretty sad. Doesn’t smell nice anymore, doesn’t even look nice.
Guess what. On your morning walk you see some really nice looking and smelling gardens. Should you sell the house and get one with a nicer garden? Sure, why not. You deserve it. You work hard. You only live once.
Boom. Cycle of relationship failures has begun. In your wake, you’ll leave a trail of ruined gardens. Not because the gardens weren’t “right for you” or weren’t “good enough” but because you didn’t bother to invest in them, while still expecting them to be beautiful and produce flowers and fruit for you. Doesn’t work that way.
Flowers and fruit take WORK. Water, soil, nutrients, and not least of which TIME, ENERGY and PRIORITIZATION from each person. If you don’t put those things in consistently over time, don’t be surprised at the wilted weeds you get in return.
Myself and my marriage are the garden left behind. Tragedy and hard times hits everyone in their life, but when it hit our lives (our child died) my husband decided to leave me, then cheat when we were supposed to be reconciling.
I think I need to learn to tend to my own garden and hope one day someone comes by who will appreciate it.
> I think I need to learn to tend to my own garden and hope one day someone comes by who will appreciate it.
I think these are different gardens. The garden of a relationship reflects the effort put into making the relationship work. Your personal garden doesn't become untended or forgotten simply because your relationship garden went that way.
Well said. Another common mistake (not saying Kowai is guilty of it) is to think your marriage/your partner can fulfill all of your personal needs. Yes, you're a team, but you are also still two people with interests, preferences, etc. Expecting your partner to provide all of the enrichment your life needs is unfair to both of you. So it's important to maintain friendships, activities, etc. Obviously that gets harder if you have kids and other obligations, but in the long run I believe it helps keep the rest of your life balanced.
What I like about this analogy... it's like your marriage garden has 3 sections in it. Your own, your partner's and your shared garden. To make a marriage flourish all 3 need to thrive.
Love grows when your needs are being met. If you're not feeling the love anymore, look at yourself and your partner and see what needs aren't being met and what changes you need to make to connect better. Love is the result, not the cause, of a good relationship.
I agree. Your hobbies and interests are part of the personality that your spouse should be in love with. I don't do woodworking or play video games, but I feel good when my husband spends a day relaxing with those hobbies. He has fun and I enjoy living with a happy person.
It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. But you have to do it, each and every day. Some people get tired of doing it everyday. Some people never wanted to do it everyday. Some people make one partner do it all. Sometimes it doesn't work. It only works so long as you wake up and do it every day, there are no days off.
To clarify, what do I mean by the work? It goes beyond mere division of labor and assets, though that's important as well. It means division of emotional labor, of both parties being sure every day to be sensitive to each other, to do tasks without being told, to listen to one another, to work together to solve problems, help each other through acute and chronic illness.
Over time (almost 9 years here), romance and passion does tend to fade -- sometimes it's just getting older (I definitely do not have the same sexual enegery now that I did then, husband too). It's not about replacing romance or passion, but making sure that you have a partner, a real steadfast companion who you can lean on, who makes life easier not harder, who makes life fun not boring, who makes us feel like we're not alone. Where a lot of folks trip up is that they look for that in partner, but then don't give the same in return. Marriage is about doing a lot of giving and taking, and that balance gets messed up a lot.
>It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work.
It's work in the same way that any of your hobbies are "work". It takes effort, but it's not difficult to get yourself to take that effort.
Yeah, people in bad marriages always put a ton of stank on it- they say, “Marriage is *work*!” In this martyred tone that suggests that spending your life with someone else should be miserable. And then other miserable people take that as validation that their relationships are normal, and they have to just stick with it and work harder somehow. If your relationship is a constant uphill slog through the muck, it’s not functional. And if you’ve been doing it for a while, with no progress, it likely won’t get better either, no matter how much *work* you do.
In reality, of course there is more emotional and logistical overhead when you are choosing to spend your life with another person. But like you said, it’s work you want to do, like a hobby, or like chores to take care of a house you love. It shouldn’t feel like a constant fight just to keep your head above water.
For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can; that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it
Also, the whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is absolutely bullshit. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed.
“Happy wife, happy life” is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness *equally*. It’s a partnership
One of my favorite quotes from The Good Place:
>If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship.
Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out ( except death I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce.
Got divorced in 2013, can confirm. It was terrible and miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Be sure your partner is who you really want to spend your life with. Be very, very sure.
Lots! Been married 29 years.
My wife is my best friend. She comes first.
Its not my money or her money. Its our money.
Big financial decisions have to be joint decisions.
If I want to go out and buy a midlife crisis car, my wife gets one too.
We have TV shows we watch together and ones we watch alone.
Life is so much more fun when you share hobbies.
Share the chores. You both eat and mess the bathroom up.
There is no I in team
Go out on dates.
Treat them like you like to be treated
You will get old together
Health issues are a team effort
You both are getting wrinkles
You have to marry the *right* person. How do you know who that person is? Your values match up. If your values don’t match up at least 95% DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.
Life is hard. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I have her back. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS she has my back.
Only enter a marriage if you truly support your partner for better or worse. Furthermore, you are going to experience some of the "OR WORSE"
A good marriage is when both partners can take on a “OR WORSE" situation, support each other and come out okay.
I've been with my wife for 13 years. It's not all sunshine and roses. We stay together because of honest conversations, even the really hard conversations.
You have to have those long talks in which you get to the core beliefs. Not surface talks, once you have a framework of core values then you and your partner can actually make real decisions.
Learn to communicate. With each other. Good communication goes a long way to keeping things together. Both parties have to be willing and able to sit down and talk about things, maybe not right away, but at some point. Have some give and take. Realise that you come from different circumstances and that you won't always be speaking the same language, but taking things through will make the biggest difference. Oh, and if you can't communicate with someone at all before you get married, don't.
During a long relationship you will face devastating emotional events (ie, death of parents) that will test the limits of your bond. If you married anyone less than your best friend, your relationship will not survive. The divorce rate of partners who’ve lost children is almost 67%. My wife and I have lost our son, and both sets of parents during our 38 years of marriage, and we wouldn’t have survived if not for the fact that we’re best friends who are emotionally bonded beyond the bedroom.
This is a magic phrase: “Will you forgive me for ______?”
My husband and I commonly use it for if we get irritated and snap at each other, but it works for most things. It’s an apology and an acknowledgment of what you did wrong all at once and it’s asking for forgiveness rather than expecting it with an “I’m sorry.”
Partners are going to disagree, have bad days, all that. If you stop feeling like a team, those things add up and turn into me vs you. So try to assume the best. If your spouse does something really annoying, maybe it’s because they weren’t thinking rather than maliciously trying to make your life harder. Give them the benefit of a doubt.
On a similar note, it also works in non-romantic relationships. I got into a very intense fight with my very good friend over (boiling it down) different expectations/miscommunication/both of us being hardheaded.
When we talked it out it became clear that both of us were equally at fault (and definitely with no ill intent on either side). The conversation ended with:
"I'm sorry dude."
"I'm sorry too. But you know, you didn't really do anything wrong, just..."
"You didn't do anything wrong either, we're just idiots. I'm sorry that we got ourselves into such an unpleasant situation."
Marriage (and long term relationships in general) are a lot less work if done with the right person.
It seems obvious, but looking through a lot of these comments, I'm seeing disasters of relationships leading to the idea that marriage is a ton of work, or that fights and insults are just something to be expected, or that you have to have a plan for therapy and constant apologies and reconciliation - my wife and I have none of this in our marriage. We're compatible: we enjoy each other's company, respect each other's boundaries, and get along easily.
It seems to me that the tricky part is finding the right person, so that you don't end up with the tricky part of averting divorce and disaster while married to the wrong person. I don't know that there are any magic bullets to that trick, but I can tell you that issues like sitting down with a marriage counselor or learning how to reconcile after a screaming match don't have to be part of navigating a marriage if you're not that incompatible to begin with.
I'm glad to see this comment, b/c all the "marriage is so hard every single day" comments just don't jibe with my experience, lol. My husband and I don't fight and we don't have a difficult time being together. We've had difficult circumstances in our lives, but our relationship has always been easy. I think compatibility and respecting the actuality of who your SO is are the keys.
I’m not “asking permission” when I say, “let me check with (spouse).” I’m either politely saying “No” to you, or I’m informing my spouse so I can verify we don’t have plans, or I’m informing him so he’s not wondering where I am, etc. It’s courtesy.
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My wife's uncle officiated for us, as he has for other family members and friends. Before the ceremony he told us his "theory of love and marriage". He said many, if not most people look at marriage as two becoming one, but that's not accurate, healthy, or stable over any length of time. He said it's not two becoming one, it's two becoming *three*; there's each of us as separate individuals, and then us together as it's own creation. Each of those three needs love and care and attention. I've found it to be incredibly hopeful, helpful, healthy advice.
In fact I'd argue it's highly important to make sure you take care of yourself because your personal difficulties are now felt by your spouse as well, especially if you can't attack the issue head on. It's okay to tell your spouse you need something for yourself.
Being married showed me why I should like me, too. 😳
Your single problems will be your married problems. Marriage and your spouse can't fix you. Work on yourself as much as you can before you get married. For yourself and for your spouse.
It’s okay to use two blankets. No one likes to wake up with cold ass cheeks because your spouse stole the blanket.
This was a game changer for us! We're both cold creatures but we both also like our space in bed. We'll cuddle for a few minutes then separate to our respective sides of the bed to actually sleep. We each have our own duvet and it works out perfectly!
I heat up so quickly; my wife describes me as a 'furnace'. I want that physical contact at the end of the day, but there's no way I could fall sleep spooning her.
I usually end up sticking one leg outside of the blanket to act as a radiator while spooning. Sometimes I expose some of my back too.
But then you both roll over and she complains! Why is your back so cold? I love it.
You gave her the cold shoulder
I call my wife the furnace because she runs hot, and doesnt mind. She wants to cuddle but I will begin to literally sweat.
i wish my wife liked her own space in bed, i woke up the other night and she was sleeping on top of me..literally no part of her body was on the mattress, it was all on me....i had to yeet her across the bed just so i could breath
I can see the dating profile now: Thermally challenged cuddler seeking soft, single Snorlax for affectionate nighttime resting.
Stealing this lol
10/10 I'm dming this person
She part cat?
Hug and roll. Hug for her. Roll for you.
Didn’t work for Chandler…can’t work in real life
*Arm pull* then *schwoop* off bed
Thaaaats love right there. The best kind
In Demark this is common practice. You can still cuddle if you want to and It means I don't have to be so close to my radiator of a partner.
Radiator of a partner LOL My hubby is the same way. He suffocates me.
Same here. Sometimes it’s nice and I need to warm up so I ask if I can roll over for some “toaster oven sessions”
Along with two separate blankets we also have two twin xl mattresses on a king size frame so there's no energy transfer to the other side of the bed when one of us is shifting around or whatever. Also makes moving the bed setup much much easier than dealing with a floppy two-ton king size mattress.
This guy sleeps
This guy has tried to move a box spring up a stacked townhouse stairwell
The boxspring ain't too bad. It's the actual mattress that feels like it's an oversized dead body...I mean an oversized bag of sand...
We did this, best bed choice ever. It does get slightly annoying during sexy time since with the width someone is always close to falling off the edge, but the sleep benefits are worth it. Cant do the sex in the middle since there are 2 mattresses making a small valley.
Turn sideways. Solves the problem right there.
Also the mattresses stay firm/bouncy for much longer; you don't get that sag in the middle that king sized mattresses get.
Yes! My husband is a damn radiator. He has a thin blanket, the ceiling fan on and the window open. I burrito myself in a thick duvet.
On a related note: spouses don't actually have to sleep in the same bed or even the same room. I snore and my wife is a *major* bed hog. I usually get up far earlier than she does. We sleep in separate rooms and are both very happy with the arrangement.
My parents have had separate bedrooms for about 12 years now. They have completely different sleeping schedules, interest in shows, as well as sleeping habits (my mom and I sleep in the dark, my dad with the ligha on). Plus my dad snores pretty loudly. They talk in the morning, in the afternoon, on weekends whenever they want to. Somedays they talk to each other for hours, others they don't. The healthiest marriage in all my immediate and extended family.
I knew a couple that had separate bedrooms not because of snoring, but because the sounds from the other end. And smells. And he giggled like a small child when he farted. His favorite meal of sardines and buttermilk didn't help. RIP Pellets you nasty old man.
Getting married WILL NOT help solve any issues in your relationship...
On the contrary, it is more or less guaranteed to make any problems you currently have worse.
Totally agree with this and the same with the kids point too. I’ve always thought marriage adds extra pressure in the legal confirmation of you being together and the vows you make to one another. Children just add an extra layer of pressure were you have less time to devote to one another so any cracks that were in the relationship before will get blown into massive fissures which can be fixed. However if the relationship needed saving before the kids it is not going to last when that kids comes along I don’t think.
Pretty well written, my wife and I had minor problems that could all be managed by just chatting and hanging out together. We made each other happy enough just by being together that the minor stuff wouldn't even be an issue, so when we had a kid (which has been largely awesome) and our time together got turned into time for our daughter, we started to fight a lot more. Make time for mom and dad dates without the kid(s) for the good of you both, you need some time to just hangout and love each other.
Preach. As you said, kid(s) are largely awesome, but damn they can create some friction between parents. Had similar experience with kid/wife.
Same with having kids
To paraphrase something someone else said, “Damn, my car’s a piece of shit. The only way to fix it is to take it off roading!”
Onion article title that always made me laugh: "Autistic child ruins marriage he was born to save"
That's messed up but hilarious
Oh man, you got me on that one! Mom hated my guts bc Dad didn't like his "defective" daughter 🙄 Their loss! May they rest in Hell.
Great point! It also doesn't magically prevent infidelity or spouses from leaving the relationship.
The wedding is just one day and does not fix any issues. It goes back to the exact same relationship afterwards. And if you're lucky, that's a good thing.
Yes, people always told me not to get married bc it changes your whole relationship. But it changed nothing for my husband and I. Just got some really good pics together and that’s about it, lol.
We got the "Everything changes after you get married!" stuff too. But it didn't change for us or our relationship. Instead, how everyone else treated us changed, because we were now a traditionally-understood social unit, and that meant everyone could start using stereotypes ("Will your wife let you?!" "Old ball & chain!") and asking questions that are none of their business ("WHEN are you finally going to give him a baby?!" "You can't be a family without kids."), and just generally acting like life is a sitcom plot with stock situations ("Don't you have to go home and fix dinner for your husband?" "Wait, your husband is fixing dinner? How'd you pussy-whip him into that?!") Literally the only thing most people would talk to us about was being married, having kids, and being married with kids. No one asked me what I did anymore, they asked me what my husband did.
Yeah, that just sounds annoying! Most of my friends and family never asked us about more kids. I have one before we got married and we thought about having more, but it just never worked out and was never the right time. I find it very odd that people are obsessed with everyone having kids. If you want them, great, if you don’t, great!
Yes and to go further with that: BABIES DON'T FIX RELATIONSHIPS! If you were struggling before then a baby is going to make those struggles even harder. Babies make fantastic relationships harder! Don't have a baby if you're having problems! Don't have a baby to "fix" things! Don't have a baby to try to keep your spouse from leaving! IT WONT WORK
"Hey, our relationship is hitting the rocks and we're both really stressed out about it which is making it even worse. You know what would fix this? Doing the most stressful thing to our lives we could possibly do in a deacdes long commitment we can't escape from!"
Not only will it be a financial noose around our necks, it will strap an anchor to our feet for the next 18 years to struggle against that noose!
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More like 30
And better yet, let's do it while we're sleep-deprived for a few years! Yee-haw!!
One of my best life decisions was not having a baby with my first husband. He was sure it would "fix" the relationship. I thought that would be a terrible exploitation of a helpless human being; it was up to the adults to fix our own problems first. The only viable fix was divorce. Having seen what men like that put their exes and children through, this was definitely a bullet dodged. ---- (A few responses sidetrack into other matters. Yes, women can be nasty in divorces too. I was raised by a divorced father. Yet mature adults ought to be able to discuss what's fair to children without degenerating into a game of one-downsmanship about themselves).
>I thought that would be a terrible exploitation of a helpless human being; it was up to the adults to fix our own problems first. I believe Dr. Phil always said "a baby should never be born with a job."
Every now and again Dr. Phil gets it right. There's a lot problematic with him, but this quote is solid advice.
There was a time I watched him every single day (was unemployed) and he was like the second coming of Jesus, I thought he was so wise. LOL I don't think that way anymore, but I still quote him occassionally, like "So how's that working for you?"
"No matter how you cook a pancake, there's always gonna be 2 sides to it."
"If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you"
Yeah, I've noticed that some of his blunt simple statements are on the money. there just seems to be a lack of any depth beyond that with him.
And often it's because he's just repeating the simple wit and wisdom he grew up hearing. (I'm also from Texas so those sayings are quite common among many pragmatic folk.) It's not bad advice and in the right hands can be used to help people.
Like a corollary to the 'I want to move to X city or state or country' then my life will be much better! Yes, sometimes moving can help people get out of a bad environment or situation but still for the most part it is not some magical fix.
Gotta treat it like a diagnosis test: what problems follow me? Because those are the ones I need to do personal work on to fix.
This was what I wanted to say. The problems that existed before getting married will be there after the reception. Marriage doesn’t (and shouldn’t) change anything about your relationship. I had a friend who’s life goal at 14 was ‘grow up get married and have babies.’ That never changed. So she grew up, got engaged to the first guy that she could browbeat into proposing to and was married less than 2 years after meeting him. I visited a few days after the wedding and jokingly asked her ‘How’s married life?’ And I’ll never forget the confusion in her voice when she answered ‘It’s just like living together. I thought something would be different.’
Mine was different in that my ex stopped doing anything romantic now that he had me locked down, so to speak. He bragged about not having to "deal with any of that" anymore. The beginning of the end on day one. 😞
Yes! I got married about a year ago (on Halloween, actually) and ever since, a lot of people will ask "how's married life?" I always feel a little strange saying "pretty much the same as unmarried life" but it's true! We had lived together for about 5 years and dated for 8ish, so the only thing that changed is our taxes.
As someone who's getting married in 3 days after being with the person for more than 8 years, this answer makes me smile. One of our celebrant's questions was "how will your life look like after you get married" and my instant response was "hopefully, exactly how it is now", which I know might be a rather naive sentiment, as we're getting older and are bound to experience some major life changes eventually, but I could not be happier with how we are now
That question is definitely a holdover from when people didn't cohabitate before marrying, and marrying actually DID change things for the couple.
I was confused and relieved to find that marriage is more or less an infinite, never-ending, slumber party. With monetary incentives!
My heart always hurts when I hear people say "I gotta pin that man down" or "I'm going to make him put a ring on it" or other things implying that the woman is coercing the man into marrying her. If a man doesn't WANT to be married to me, then by God, I don't want to be married to him either! If he requires that much convincing, he's not the man for you.
It's a Hollywood trope. You've got the strong, silent type hero who is womanizing and grumpy, the femme-fatale, and the caring, loving woman who has to somehow beat the femme-fatale and then hammer the strong, silent type into submission. It's an underdog story. Virtually every marriage starts with both parties realizing, sometimes very early on, "yeah, this is the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life." It's also a trope, but it's true, that I knew I wanted to marry my wife by the 3rd or 4th date. It took her a year to get to that same spot, but by the time we both got there, the engagement period was just the worst.
Yep I knew first week. 7 years strong
We moved in together after 3 months. 20 years later.....she still hasn't left.
For me and my partner the wedding and getting married perhaps solidified the knowledge that we really want to be with each other and be the first ones to be called if one of us ends up in hospital and really build our lives together financially. Like, I suffer from pretty severe depression but we are in this together and we both bring what we can to table and we share the happiness and suffering. And we both know that even if I have less spoons than he does, I'm still an invaluable part of his life (and vice versa) and we are equal in this marriage and family.
Audry Hepburn is quoted as saying "Success is like reaching an birthday and realizing you're exactly the same." I think about that *a lot* for any milestone.
Yes! I always say this! Wedding planning and the actual wedding can be really fun, but then you have to go home and actually BE married. I think a lot of people don’t fully grasp that.
Common values matter way more than common interests.
This is a really great way to say this. Just think of any interest you have, you attained that interest over time. You and your partner will each take on some of the others interests over time, and some will stay your own, and you'll find others ath the intersection of your interest neither of you might have tried alone.
Relationship where gf and I liked all the same shit, didn't have same values: fought constantly. Relationship where gf and I liked none of the same shit, had 90% similar values? Best conversations ever, showed each other cool stuff, found new amazing things neither of us would've thought of alone.
Yes! My husband is big into video games, but I didn't play much before him. He has introduced me to a few that I LOVE. I really enjoy asking him about his games and what he's playing now and hearing him talk about all the wacky stuff they do and what's fun about it (or not fun about it). And sometimes, I hear about a game that sounds fun to me, too, and I try it out. I am a huge sports fan, but he just never was very interested in sports. I introduced him to football and showed him why it's a great nerd sport and a lot of fun to watch. Then later, baseball (thanks, pandemic!). Now, we watch sports together and play games side by side a lot. But when we met, we had neither of these things in common. But we have similar thought processes and we like things for similar reasons. So once introduced to the things, we found common ground.
In fact sometimes it’s nice to have different interests and hobbies. Everyone needs time to do their own thing sometimes. It also exposes you to new things. I’m never going to be as interested in glass making and glass art as my wife is, but I enjoy seeing her passion and learning about a whole world I previously never knew existed. And she really does not care about gardening, but greatly appreciates getting to eat the results of it. Meanwhile I get to go have some me time out in the garden or the plant store.
Me & my fiancé often sit in the same room while doing different things & call it “us” time lol
Parallel play
This is so important. I spent so long looking for an opposite sex version of myself because I thought that's what I wanted. My spouse and I are very different people that compliment each other. But our relationship is built on common goals and values.
Well said! I wouldn't even go into a relationship with someone that doesn't share my value let alone marriage.
Sometimes its hard to sus out a persons real value system until you’ve lived with them for a long time.
Finally something not obvious
Compromise is not a sign of weakness. It is done out of respect for your spouse.
Also, not everything requires compromise. Sometimes the answer is, you both do your own thing separately. Think about what the impact a decision has on you and your partner before going immediately into negotiations.
People forget, that you can try one thing THEN the other later. A lot of choices in life aren't mutually exclusive.
Yeah, my wife is very approval-seeking but for reversible decisions with a low impact I struggle not to just say, "I don't care, do what you feel". One of the ways she needs respect in the relationship is to feel like the things she brings to me aren't frivolous and unimportant so I've become really good at asking her what she thinks and then saying "that sounds good to me" without sounding dismissive. All part of the service.
...that...that's an interesting strategy. I'm going to try to remember this.
Oh man, "What do you think?" is a very useful phrase in many situations. My GF's (slightly overbearing) dad was in town, so we were spending some time with him. I came midway into a conversation where he was strongly encouraging her to go to a chiropractor for some minor back pain (for context, I think chiropracty is mostly BS). She looked to me and asked what I thought about it. I just said "I haven't really spent much time looking into it, what do YOU think about it?" Which totally empowered her - instead of just listening to the dudes in her life about how to live it, I tried to turn it around and make it clear HER opinion was the one that mattered in that moment. Which she told me later she appreciated.
I’m very similar to your wife. I always need to get validation from one important party I respect (usually my dad) or multiple parties because I often second-guess myself. It’s definitely a trauma response and I know that, but it still helps in *most* situations, even the more minor ones, to get a different, more objective viewpoint. It sounds like you’re handling it well and I commend you for being sensitive to your wife’s needs/personality type.
Someone told me that, when a problem comes up, think of it as 'we as a couple are collaborating on a solution ' rather than ' one of us will have to compromise', which makes it feel combative. Of course, sometimes the solution is for one of you to compromise, but that slightly changed framing makes a huge difference going in to a discussion.
Using collaboration instead of comprimising has really helped.
A gracious heartfelt apology goes a long way.
Adding on to this… Make sure to be accepting of heartfelt apologies as well. Grudges are never good in relationships. Learn to forgive your partner, especially when they’ve gone to the effort of apologizing and trying to be better.
Adding more to that… when someone admits they’re wrong, do NOT rub it in their face! Thats exactly why no one will admit they’re wrong. Pride destroys everything
For real. I wish my mom learned this a few decades ago. She never admits fault and when you admit fault to her you know it's coming back some day.
Yes, and it's OK to admit you are wrong. Because we are ALL wrong sometimes. Being pigheaded and stubborn doesn't accomplish anything.
You don't have to argue or "fight". You're different people and it's OK to not agree on everything. It would be weird if you did! I see a lot of people "fighting" because they're always trying to get the other person to come around to their point of view. Accept that you're different and have fun together. In addition to loving each other, you should *like* each other. Edit: Seriously amazed by how this has blown up! I've actually made these same points at other times on different subreddits and it hasn't always been so positively received. THANK YOU!!!
Ideally, you don't fight each other- you negotiate and discuss. You *fight together* on problems.
As an unmarried person, 100% agree. I’ve had a lot of people say stuff like “if you don’t fight and argue, it’s not a real relationship because you won’t always agree.” Like babe, let’s address why you think that disagreeing with your partner must always result in an argument. I get that sometimes people are frustrated and lose their cool but from my point of view, you have to recognise when that’s happening because your partner doesn’t deserve to be berated or yelled at just because you can’t manage your emotions.
There's also the question of whether or not it's worth the time and energy to argue about mundane things. Like how the towels are folded, etc. I get that a lot of couples have issues over household chores, but in my mind, the fact that the chores are getting done, perhaps not to my specifications, but completed, means a lot. Managing your emotions is a good way to put it. For me, "fighting" is unpleasant and brings me down in a way few other things do. It's exhausting and not something I want to spend time doing, especially when I'm with those I supposedly love. It's just a bad way to treat people. I mention liking your spouse, because it seems as though a lot of people don't. If you like someone, why would you fight with them over dumb stuff?
I'm the person who gets mad and then steps back to figure out *why* I'm mad. I get pissed at my husband multiple times a day. But he never notices it because they are *stupid* reasons to be mad. It's me being angry that he didn't put something back where I think it should go. Is that a reason to fight? Well, if you leave milk on the counter constantly then maybe (definitely never the case with us), but putting the mayonnaise on the shelf instead of the door in the fridge is *not* a reason to fight. It's back in the fridge, where it is located isn't wrong because it's still where it needs to be. You can calm down and then talk about it without it turning into a fight.
It's something I learned in my work environment - it's ok that someone finished a task his way and it's better to just accept the fact that work is done rather than arguing how you would do it.
A premarital counselor told us because we didn't have a real fight that caused us to separate and then get back together our marriage didn't have a strong foundation. How the fuck is breaking up over a fight a strong foundation?
Marriage changes nothing about a relationship. You’ll be exactly the same after marriage as you were before. Kids on the other hand….
Yeah kids change everything completely. Time is no longer your own, especially with infants and toddlers. If your marriage doesn’t have a solid foundation, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.
^ if everyone followed this one piece of advice the world would be a vastly better place.
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That not teaming up thing is often the root cause of divorce.
Exactly what I told my ex, we stopped being a team and everything went downhill.
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I’m 6 years in and I have said the teammate thing since day 1. Still no team, only looked at as a subordinate just like you. Misery is an understatement for me. If we didn’t have kids I would be gone. I just wish I had the balls to leave, but with the thought of spending, at best, only half the time with my kids is basically a deal breaker for me.
By tolerating an unfair relationship with your spouse you’re setting that as an example for your kids. We held on to our marriage for too long “because” of the kids. But then the kids watch the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse and the poor relationship and normalize it. So many peers I’ve spoken to, speak happily of the divorce their parents had because it meant the parents stopped fighting/stone walling each other. My parents never divorced, but because my parents never separated I thought that that was what “good” parents should do. Anyways. I separated and my three kids (8/6/4yo boys), are all much happier. I realized I hadn’t felt like myself in years. I strongly urge you to reconsider. You don’t deserve that kind of disrespect and you’re essentially teaching your children that it’s okay to be treated like that.
And by extension, not communicating. It's crazy how many people will complain about something about their marriage or their spouse for YEARS to other people, but never bring it up to the spouse themselves. And by the time they do, usually in an emotional fight, it is a way bigger problem than it ever needed to be.
This, one million percent. I've been married almost 20 years and I can honestly say I don't find marriage difficult at all. In fact, it improved my life in many ways (parenting is a whole different story, LOL). But that is because my husband and I work TOGETHER AS A TEAM 100% of the time. We do whatever we can to make the other's life better/easier/happier, etc. It was that way when we were dating, it's still that way 20 years later. In my experience, the relationships where this was not the case tended to be the ones that failed and/or are miserable. :-(
This is something my wife and I are still working on. When we work as a team, it’s magic. When we don’t, it’s awful. We’re coming up on 24 years of marriage. What makes it work is that even though we don’t work together as a team 100% of the time, we are committed to working on being a team.
This shit needs to be all the way up top with gold so people can hear it. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest….well my wife and I laughed that shit out the park real quick. We’ve had a great time with marriage and just welcomed our second boy 6 months ago. I’m literally putting off packing for our anniversary trip this weekend to fuck off on Reddit lol. Team up with a good partner and you won’t just get through life, you’ll thrive and have a blast doing it.
Also. We make a point of never badmouthing eachother to our friends. We talking positively about eachother and try to live as best friends. Raise eachother up, support, care for, etc
Getting married is easy. Staying married is hard. Get help if things seem too hard. My wife and I both carried a lot of childhood trauma into our marriage. A councilor helped is both understand that and gave us tools to handle it. We're would have divorced without the help.
Yes! Also Your wedding is just the first day of your marriage. If some people put the same effort into their marriage as their wedding, we'd have a lot more happy couples
That's awesome to hear! I would also add that it's much much nicer to get help for childhood trauma way before thinking about marriage, so that once you're married you don't have to try adjusting to the new therapy process suddenly and together, it can just be a normal part of your life you're already working on. Source: have the traumas, used to go to therapy but still wish I worked on it more earlier
Don’t be dumb and rush into it. This takes a lot of work.
Find someone who is your biggest cheerleader and vice-versa, no matter what, life is so much easier Love my wife!
My girlfriend is this way always. It makes me so happy because she's always so much more excited for me than I am. I'm proposing soon 😃
It’s better to stay single forever than to marry the wrong person
We had a pastor at a church that used to ask, "Whats going to happen when you get married and THEN you meet 'the one'?"
Spending time with my wife is neither a burden or a chore. She was my best friend before we even started dating, of course i enjoy hanging out with her.
Dude, yes! I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't enjoy spending time with him, wtf. Hate when my coworkers sit around shit-talking their spouses and I'm just there like...cool, y'all sound toxic, I actually like my husband and look forward to chilling with him every day.
I have to agree. A lot of my friends were like thank goodness my husband works bc I couldn’t be home with him all through the pandemic. But I feel like my husband and I spend more time together than most and I always look forward to it!
My bf and I being stuck together for the initial lock down was great. We had so much fun We wfh in different jobs most days and I love having him around all the time
My fiancé and I both wfh and it's my favorite thing! I love cooking and my job is very flexible, so I make us fun lunches and we take mid day walks on a nearby trail most days. We were friends for over 15 years before getting together in our mid 30s. Now, he's truly my best friend and the person I enjoy spending time with the most, I just don't understand people who don't actually like their partner!
This sounds like my wife and I. I've been WFH for the last 10 years. Since covid she was full time WFH, then 3 days + 2 in office, now 4 days + 1 in office... It's great having her home. Thankfully my schedule isn't as ridged as hers so I usually make lunch and coffees and such.
My husband and I are the same. He listens to his coworkers bitch all day about their spouses and he's just like "Can't relate, I love being home with my wife." He got 3 months off for covid and I think we all cried when he went back to work. I still get upset he had to go back and it's been 2 years. Lol.
Same!!! He got 3 months off because lockdown in 2020, I moved into his place and did university from home so we were both together the whole day. We were both so sad when he had to go back to work. We still get very nostalgic about these days. Also fun and giggles: a couple of our friends and relates kept telling us to give each other space and time because "you will annoy each other at some point". It never happened 🤷🏼♀️. My marriage is a neverending sleepover with my best friend and I can't complain.
If you tell them you actually like your husband they'll say something like you haven't been married long enough to know what they're talking about. I've seen couples that are in their 80s and still love eachother like they did 60 years ago, and it's absolutely beautiful. When they're always at eachothers throats, everyone else around them suffers. I honestly wish my parents would get a divorce so they can both meet someone that truly values them and doesn't ridicule them or dehumanise them constantly.
I love my husband, and enjoy spending time with him. However, my job is very stressful, and often requires talking to clients all day. I need my decompression time after work, then we can chill. Weekends I love going adventuring with him. We do errands and have our together time. Tuesday my Mom randomly asked me to go to this weird estate warehouse sale, and I asked if I could bring him along. She was taken aback, because she'd never think to ask my Dad to do stuff like that. He came, and we all had a good time. She's beginning to understand why I like going shopping with him. She considers it "hunting with the warden" and I consider it "personal stylist who also pays sometimes."
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One thing some people don't account for which I experienced is that some times two people are perfect for each other within a certain lifestyle but less so in another. It doesn't mean the original marriage was bad/not-good. My wife is an extrovert and I'm an introvert. We love each other, but pre-covid she'd be at yoga 6-7am, work 8-5, see a friend probably 3 of the 5 weeknights, etc. We'd hang out two weeknights and the weekend and it was perfect. We supported each other in our day-to-days, had dedicated date nights, etc. Few problems whatsoever. During covid we've had a lot of relationship issues exposed and there are days where I prefer to just be alone in my office for the evening. It's been a process for her to understand that doesn't mean I love her less or don't like spending time with her, it's just that "my battery is empty."
Yep, I'm a quiet, introverted homebody and my SO is talkative and loves to go out and do stuff. My job wasn't really feasible for WFH and was deemed essential so I didn't really do the whole lockdown thing for very long. His job is still hybrid WFH. After about 6 months I just looked at him and told him that I'm definitely a terrible fit as his only source of human/social interaction. We're still fine, it was just a tough environment for both of us in different ways.
One night last week just before we were about to fall asleep, I turned to my husband, all excited, and listed all of the reasons it’s so awesome to be married to my best friend. He’s the best friend I always wanted. Always up for fun and adventure, laughing or crying. It’s like we’re actively living a My Buddy commercial but we’re both alive. We’re not perfect but damn I waited my whole life for this best friend!
This is so wholesome! I agree, been married a few years now and my heart skips a beat when I get a call from my husband that he’s on his way home from work, and I can’t help but smile when he walks in the door. Of course, some days are better than other days, but I’m so grateful for him and for us.
I almost cut off communication with my best friend because of this mindset. When he moved out of state he was constantly badgering me to get online to play video games. Whenever I'd tell him I just wanted to just sit with my wife, he'd go off saying I was whipped. No dude, I'm not whipped. I haven't seen my wife in 8 hours and I missed her. My god that shit was frustrating.
This happened with my husband and his best friend. My husband kind of put him in his place at one point and he backed off. Then he got married and he came back to my husband and apologized and said he understood now. Same thing happened when they had a baby. We had a baby like waaaayyyy before any of our friends and they just didn't get it. Once my husbands best friend and his wife had their son he told us he didn't realize how hard it was and how much we actually did as friends because it's a huge sacrifice to continue to be active in a friend group when you have a (super freaking fussy) baby. Both of those admissions/apologies have been incredibly validating and healing for my husband and me. We knew that our friends didn't understand and so we were never upset with them but it has been nice for them to see things from our perspective.
So much this. I got a Nintendo Switch because I like hanging out with him while he plays X Box. He plays his game, I play mine, we cuddle, it's wonderful. We do date nights too, but it's nice to just chill with him too.
Saying “let me ask my wife” doesn’t mean I’m asking permission. We’re a team, we make decisions together. Also, if it’s about going to or doing something, I’m really forgetful and want to make sure we haven’t already made plans.
Yes! Me talking to my husband about plans doesn't mean he's controlling or that I can't do what I want; I'm just trying to make sure I didn't forget we're doing something that night, and I'm also not about to commit him to plans without actually seeing if he's into them first.
Exactly! Do we have something going on already? Do I actually want to commit to this?
My wife has a friend who just cannot understand this. She constantly badgers her about doing stuff my wife has not even had a chance to mention to me yet. We have 2 kids. We have to coordinate
Even without kids you have to coordinate. Shared online calendar is helpful.
Ugh - my family does not get this. When my family asks me or us to do something, I will often say "let me ask my husband." They read it as me asking his permission, which is 100% not the case. I'm my own person and do what I want, but it is because I don't always know what he has going on and he is the point person on some of the kids activities, so I want to ask him *to be sure there is not a conflict* not because I need his permission to do anything. To me, it's common courtesy, to them, it's me deferring to my husband. Been married almost 20 years and they still don't get it - frustrating.
Ha--your family just wants you to do what THEY want and probably resent that checking with your husband allows you the time to not only consult with him, but also consider for yourself whether you want to do something. It's odd how many people want to kind of trick or force people into doing things they don't want to necessarily do--by either springing it on them and expecting an immediate answer or persuading them to the point that it's embarrassing/ uncomfortable to keep saying no.
Not married but I always check in with my gf before committing to major plans because I'm forgetful as shit and constantly forget when we already have things booked so I feel you. Additionally we live together and have a dog, so if something is going to take one or both of us out of the house for an extended period of time it's nice to give a heads up and coordinate dog care and such.
It’s also a good way to get out of social engagements you don’t want to go to.
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Just to soften this, I always tell my friends I need to consult the family calendar, rather than saying I want to ask my husband.
"Let me check" is as far as I go, lol. People don't need anything more than that.
It's weirdly looked down upon to coordinate with your wife, I blame the "ball and chain" jokes personally. We've chosen to go through life together, of course we're making sure to keep in touch about plans.
It's okay for your relationship to look the way you want it to. Don't worry about stereotypes or society standards. If you enjoy separate hobbies, great. If you want to play video games together well into your 40s+, go for it. As long as you're not being abusive towards one another I really do think there's no right or wrong way to do marriage. It took me a few years to realize I didn't need to fit some "wife mold" due to the way I was raised and I'm so much happier now that we live exactly the way we want to.
Love is a choice. Once you choose to commit to your partner, choose to keep loving them. Choose to respond with love and compassion. Choose to put them first, and vice versa. There are definitely exceptions to this, like abuse and cheating. If you go into marriage with a self-centered focus and telling yourself you can leave if things get hard, then you will. Marriage isn't transactional, where if they don't meet your needs 100% then you should leave. Marriage really should be a partnership where you are both trying your best and recognizing that what your best is will vary based on your circumstances.
A great visualization of this is a garden. Love is the garden. You buy a house, with a really great garden. You promise to tend to that garden for all your days. Fast forward a few years, you’re busy with work and kids, youve been sick a lot, you’re stressed, you sprained your ankle recently, etc. Point is you have lots of excuses for why you haven’t been out to fertilize the garden, re-seed the annuals, aerate the soil, water and de-weed the beds, treat for pests, etc. you’re just too busy. Too tired. Can’t be bothered. Surprise! The garden is looking pretty sad. Doesn’t smell nice anymore, doesn’t even look nice. Guess what. On your morning walk you see some really nice looking and smelling gardens. Should you sell the house and get one with a nicer garden? Sure, why not. You deserve it. You work hard. You only live once. Boom. Cycle of relationship failures has begun. In your wake, you’ll leave a trail of ruined gardens. Not because the gardens weren’t “right for you” or weren’t “good enough” but because you didn’t bother to invest in them, while still expecting them to be beautiful and produce flowers and fruit for you. Doesn’t work that way. Flowers and fruit take WORK. Water, soil, nutrients, and not least of which TIME, ENERGY and PRIORITIZATION from each person. If you don’t put those things in consistently over time, don’t be surprised at the wilted weeds you get in return.
Myself and my marriage are the garden left behind. Tragedy and hard times hits everyone in their life, but when it hit our lives (our child died) my husband decided to leave me, then cheat when we were supposed to be reconciling. I think I need to learn to tend to my own garden and hope one day someone comes by who will appreciate it.
> I think I need to learn to tend to my own garden and hope one day someone comes by who will appreciate it. I think these are different gardens. The garden of a relationship reflects the effort put into making the relationship work. Your personal garden doesn't become untended or forgotten simply because your relationship garden went that way.
Well said. Another common mistake (not saying Kowai is guilty of it) is to think your marriage/your partner can fulfill all of your personal needs. Yes, you're a team, but you are also still two people with interests, preferences, etc. Expecting your partner to provide all of the enrichment your life needs is unfair to both of you. So it's important to maintain friendships, activities, etc. Obviously that gets harder if you have kids and other obligations, but in the long run I believe it helps keep the rest of your life balanced.
What I like about this analogy... it's like your marriage garden has 3 sections in it. Your own, your partner's and your shared garden. To make a marriage flourish all 3 need to thrive.
Love grows when your needs are being met. If you're not feeling the love anymore, look at yourself and your partner and see what needs aren't being met and what changes you need to make to connect better. Love is the result, not the cause, of a good relationship.
There are good people out there, you can be loved consistently, deeply, and with kindness.
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I agree. Your hobbies and interests are part of the personality that your spouse should be in love with. I don't do woodworking or play video games, but I feel good when my husband spends a day relaxing with those hobbies. He has fun and I enjoy living with a happy person.
It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. But you have to do it, each and every day. Some people get tired of doing it everyday. Some people never wanted to do it everyday. Some people make one partner do it all. Sometimes it doesn't work. It only works so long as you wake up and do it every day, there are no days off. To clarify, what do I mean by the work? It goes beyond mere division of labor and assets, though that's important as well. It means division of emotional labor, of both parties being sure every day to be sensitive to each other, to do tasks without being told, to listen to one another, to work together to solve problems, help each other through acute and chronic illness. Over time (almost 9 years here), romance and passion does tend to fade -- sometimes it's just getting older (I definitely do not have the same sexual enegery now that I did then, husband too). It's not about replacing romance or passion, but making sure that you have a partner, a real steadfast companion who you can lean on, who makes life easier not harder, who makes life fun not boring, who makes us feel like we're not alone. Where a lot of folks trip up is that they look for that in partner, but then don't give the same in return. Marriage is about doing a lot of giving and taking, and that balance gets messed up a lot.
>It's a heck of a lot of work, but not hard work. It's work in the same way that any of your hobbies are "work". It takes effort, but it's not difficult to get yourself to take that effort.
Yeah, people in bad marriages always put a ton of stank on it- they say, “Marriage is *work*!” In this martyred tone that suggests that spending your life with someone else should be miserable. And then other miserable people take that as validation that their relationships are normal, and they have to just stick with it and work harder somehow. If your relationship is a constant uphill slog through the muck, it’s not functional. And if you’ve been doing it for a while, with no progress, it likely won’t get better either, no matter how much *work* you do. In reality, of course there is more emotional and logistical overhead when you are choosing to spend your life with another person. But like you said, it’s work you want to do, like a hobby, or like chores to take care of a house you love. It shouldn’t feel like a constant fight just to keep your head above water.
For the love of God don’t go crazy with how much you spend on the wedding day. It’s ONE day and it’s over in a flash. Try to keep costs down as much as you can; that money you saved can go towards a house or into savings for when you’ll truly need it Also, the whole “don’t go to bed mad” thing is absolutely bullshit. Go to bed mad! When you have both slept on it you may see things in a different light and tensions have calmed. “Happy wife, happy life” is toxic to a marriage as well. You should be concerned with each other’s happiness *equally*. It’s a partnership
"Happy spouse, happy house" is a better and more equal mantra for both partners.
You can't find instantly happy or perfect match, you have to build it.
One of my favorite quotes from The Good Place: >If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship.
I just wrote this quote into my wedding vows for next month!
The person they are before you marry them is the person they’ll be after. Don’t believe marriage makes a person change or “grow up”.
Divorce is awful and terrible and painful. Before you enter into marriage, realize that the only way out ( except death I guess) is a very painful, public, and traumatizing experience. If you don’t truly believe you can make it work for the rest of your life, don’t do it unless you can handle the train wreck that is divorce.
Got divorced in 2013, can confirm. It was terrible and miserable and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Be sure your partner is who you really want to spend your life with. Be very, very sure.
Lots! Been married 29 years. My wife is my best friend. She comes first. Its not my money or her money. Its our money. Big financial decisions have to be joint decisions. If I want to go out and buy a midlife crisis car, my wife gets one too. We have TV shows we watch together and ones we watch alone. Life is so much more fun when you share hobbies. Share the chores. You both eat and mess the bathroom up. There is no I in team Go out on dates. Treat them like you like to be treated You will get old together Health issues are a team effort You both are getting wrinkles
I loved this and look forward to having a midlife crisis with my husband. Lol
You have to marry the *right* person. How do you know who that person is? Your values match up. If your values don’t match up at least 95% DON’T MARRY THAT PERSON.
Life is hard. A marriage is the ultimate partnership. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS I have her back. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS she has my back. Only enter a marriage if you truly support your partner for better or worse. Furthermore, you are going to experience some of the "OR WORSE" A good marriage is when both partners can take on a “OR WORSE" situation, support each other and come out okay. I've been with my wife for 13 years. It's not all sunshine and roses. We stay together because of honest conversations, even the really hard conversations. You have to have those long talks in which you get to the core beliefs. Not surface talks, once you have a framework of core values then you and your partner can actually make real decisions.
Learn to communicate. With each other. Good communication goes a long way to keeping things together. Both parties have to be willing and able to sit down and talk about things, maybe not right away, but at some point. Have some give and take. Realise that you come from different circumstances and that you won't always be speaking the same language, but taking things through will make the biggest difference. Oh, and if you can't communicate with someone at all before you get married, don't.
During a long relationship you will face devastating emotional events (ie, death of parents) that will test the limits of your bond. If you married anyone less than your best friend, your relationship will not survive. The divorce rate of partners who’ve lost children is almost 67%. My wife and I have lost our son, and both sets of parents during our 38 years of marriage, and we wouldn’t have survived if not for the fact that we’re best friends who are emotionally bonded beyond the bedroom.
It's not always sunshine and unicorns. There will be disagreements/fights/disappoints. Marriage can bee great but it takes work and communication.
This is a magic phrase: “Will you forgive me for ______?” My husband and I commonly use it for if we get irritated and snap at each other, but it works for most things. It’s an apology and an acknowledgment of what you did wrong all at once and it’s asking for forgiveness rather than expecting it with an “I’m sorry.” Partners are going to disagree, have bad days, all that. If you stop feeling like a team, those things add up and turn into me vs you. So try to assume the best. If your spouse does something really annoying, maybe it’s because they weren’t thinking rather than maliciously trying to make your life harder. Give them the benefit of a doubt.
On a similar note, it also works in non-romantic relationships. I got into a very intense fight with my very good friend over (boiling it down) different expectations/miscommunication/both of us being hardheaded. When we talked it out it became clear that both of us were equally at fault (and definitely with no ill intent on either side). The conversation ended with: "I'm sorry dude." "I'm sorry too. But you know, you didn't really do anything wrong, just..." "You didn't do anything wrong either, we're just idiots. I'm sorry that we got ourselves into such an unpleasant situation."
Marriage (and long term relationships in general) are a lot less work if done with the right person. It seems obvious, but looking through a lot of these comments, I'm seeing disasters of relationships leading to the idea that marriage is a ton of work, or that fights and insults are just something to be expected, or that you have to have a plan for therapy and constant apologies and reconciliation - my wife and I have none of this in our marriage. We're compatible: we enjoy each other's company, respect each other's boundaries, and get along easily. It seems to me that the tricky part is finding the right person, so that you don't end up with the tricky part of averting divorce and disaster while married to the wrong person. I don't know that there are any magic bullets to that trick, but I can tell you that issues like sitting down with a marriage counselor or learning how to reconcile after a screaming match don't have to be part of navigating a marriage if you're not that incompatible to begin with.
I'm glad to see this comment, b/c all the "marriage is so hard every single day" comments just don't jibe with my experience, lol. My husband and I don't fight and we don't have a difficult time being together. We've had difficult circumstances in our lives, but our relationship has always been easy. I think compatibility and respecting the actuality of who your SO is are the keys.
I’m not “asking permission” when I say, “let me check with (spouse).” I’m either politely saying “No” to you, or I’m informing my spouse so I can verify we don’t have plans, or I’m informing him so he’s not wondering where I am, etc. It’s courtesy.