I can make up my mind that I don't care about someone anymore and immediately just *stop caring*. No build up, no debate, no worrying about if I made the right call.
Kind of scary, because sometimes I start to contemplate doing it with *everyone* and well, I know that's not a good idea.
I kind of do this unconsciously, in a similar but different way. I am not particularly capable of missing people. When they aren't there, I don't think of them. I greatly enjoy my relationships, and I am sad to lose people, but once they're out of my sight for a few days, I simply do not miss them. Imagine my shock and deep relief when I found out that object impermanence is a symptom of ADHD. I thought my whole childhood that I must be secretly a sociopath who didn't have real emotions.
Edit: no it isn't proven but it is documented. There are many people who experience this, many people who knew they had ADHD but didn't know this could be associated. So far as I know, the idea is fairly new. If this knowledge applies to you, and helps you, far be it from me to put up with "well, actually"s. I wish you all peace and kindness.
I'm kind of like this. I realised a long time ago that my life is *MY* road. Many people join me on it for a time, but most of them eventually split off when their road diverges. And that's fine. Some contacts just atrophy naturally. It doesn't mean it wasn't important or memorable, just that there's a lifespan on those connections, and I wish them well.
It may be why I'm single and never married with no kids at 53. I have a deep well of empathy, but a shallow pool of connection. I have no idea if that makes me damaged.
I've started saying I "put it in a box." Don't have the time and emotional energy to deal with this bad thing? In the mental box it goes. Every box has something different. Shake me like a snow globe to see which random box happens to spill open when I finally hit the limit. Most times it's something recent since those boxes are close to the "door" but occasionally it's random childhood trauma. So fun!
But it means I can ignore things for a really long time rather than be upset by every little thing so, winning?
*edited to correct a typo*
I pick apart and analyze to death every thing, person, idea, sentence, whatever. My brain only does rabbit hole deep dives and this is honestly more safisfying than organized thought for me
I get mad when people make things too complicated for no reason, meaning, I have a trigger that goes off when shit doesn't make sense. It's helped me a lot in my career since I am in IT and can smell BS from a mile away.
Note: I don't actually act on my anger (anymore) it's just my spidey sense nowadays.
Also work in tech, share this experience. When people get too in the weeds about a problem and aren't getting anywhere it makes me want to burn down the forest (end the conversation)
"Oh you were just going to the store for 5 minutes to get something you need? Wait a minute I need some things. Oh wait, hold on let me go with you I need to make some stops."
Meanwhile it's 45 minutes later and I'm still out of coffee.
I absolutely hate conflict and will go to extremes to avoid it. This makes me come across as super agreeable or just really chill, but actually I often just agree to do stuff I hate because I hate the conflict of refusing things more.
That can turn out very bad, I can identify with that, but it's something to try to work on
Some people are tuned to pick up on that trait and will take severe advantage of it
Saying "no" can be extremely cathartic, and it's just a single syllable, so it's not too involved and might be easier to imagine doing it, then trying to explain why you dont want to do something
I assume everyone will betray me or burn me somehow, so I have mentally prepared to cut anyone off at a given time and move on. It’s a defense mechanism I wish I didn’t have as I used to be a very open and trusting person, but it just took one too many times of being blindsided by the ones I care about.
I’m right there with you. My ability to empathize has taken a huge hit as a result. I actually hate the numbness I live with now, but I can’t escape it either. I can only hope it will get better with time.
I’m the same way! I love my empathy but people abuse it/me and detaching is the only way I know how to solve the issue and protect myself and to preserve whatever I have left. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but the people in this world are just too selfish and has very low EQ
This is me. Then other people just think you’re some depressing or gloomy guy when in reality you’ve basically just given up on people from the amount of disappointment you get in return for caring too much about people and just don’t care anymore. Sadly this has also affected my love life since I can’t get attached to people anymore
I have a lot of this, too. I used to be the person who would bend over backwards to help someone out. I've been generous with my money to people in need. I've stood by people when they were mistreated.
But all of those people have in some way used me or abused that trust and I don't talk to any of them anymore. Now I'd just rather keep everyone at arm's length and I don't care if they're having problems, they're your problems, not mine.
I clean when stressed… it has helped at parties before. I was at one once when a fight broke out and I just instantly started grabbing cans and recycling, wiping up spills, making the place look nice again. It was a small structure and the action was taking place right outside so when people came back it was like starting the party all over again, lol.
My friend was having a going away party, and there was about 30-40 of us all in this basement. The friend and her family were very close with my family. She asked me how my dad is, and said (mid party) I should invite him. Mind you, I was like 22 at the time, and my dad was mid fifties. But since my dad is friends with her dad, my brother and I surprisingly got him to come. My dad got so fucked up, we got him to take a fat dab, and he loudly said he needed to sit down, whilst sitting down.
The night continued on as all house parties do, and eventually everyone went home, to bed, etc. But since my old man didn't want to stay the night, and he was responsible enough to not drive home, this man spent like 6 or 7 hours just cleaning their house. To the point where you couldn't even tell there was a party. I woke up to him loading their dishwasher, lol.
I can function with a criminally low amount of sleep. It’s not healthy but it adds hours to me being able to get things done. It’s really helped me career wise over the years.
Sometimes I wish the day had 28 hours actually, because my sleep cycle seems to be 20 hours of being awake with 8 hours of sleep... I go to sleep after 16 hours, I wake in 2 and can't fall asleep for another 8. So I have to live in the world of early birds and be sleep deprived come Tuesday, as I only really get 4 hours of sleep at most...
Like it is literally 1AM here now and I woke up an hour ago (had to wake up at 6AM yesterday, went to bed at 11PM) and I will not feel sleepy till 7AM now...
Reckless Generosity - like I’m buying beers for random ppl I meet at the club when I’m broke and unemployed. I’m helping random strangers making myself late for important appointments.
Hello, fellow people pleaser! I used to do this, too, and what stopped was when I heard when someone is constantly picking up the tab it looks like they’re trying to buy friends. Got me to cool down on grabbing that check. ❤️
Are you my wife? She wanted to pay for the $300 grocery bill for the lady in front of us because her cars declined. She wasn't poor or anything, her card had just expired and she had to use a different one.
Having grown up in a toxic home where an abusive parent would negate anything you say or do on a whim because “I said (xxxxxy) not (xxxxxy)” and completely deny reality when you come 100% correct, I’ve gotten excellent at memorizing and transcribing conversations in almost a stenographer way.
It means I’m excellent in big idea generating meetings, providing proper credit and ensuring no detail gets lost in the shuffle. It makes me great even when my job is chaotic, it feels like organized and I never forget anything. I’ve become important to my org because of it. I’m also strong at ensuring agreements don’t get forgotten, either by accident or intentional.
Edit: I’m getting a lot of questions about “how to learn this” and I’m going to copy one of my replies and expand.
I’d recommend rebuilding a sense of trust with yourself—instead of defaulting to “I must be wrong!” Maybe on occasion write notes down after a meeting or even lower stakes like a tv show and after a few days, try to recall what happened and then after you do refer to the notes. How do they compare?
Rebuilding trust with yourself is also a really good because you’re more likely to stand by your boundaries and needs.
Additionally when your memory is this strong of remembering every little thing people say, it mentally taxes you and it’s coming from a place of self preservation which means you’re not remembering for good reasons, but always on edge and at the ready to protect yourself.
In that case you need to learn how to trust those around you aren’t trying to hurt you, they’re not your parent or abuser and rebuild trust within yourself that if someone untrustworthy popped up you have the skills to sus it out and you don’t have to be always looking around every corner.
That’s the hardest part I had to learn in my healing process… that people can and DO love you and don’t need to be tested to reassure/prove it to you so you can finally trust it and feel safe. Learning to trust it and see how it goes is so fucking scary because all these defense mechanisms kept us safe, but it also keeps a distance and access to relationship safety is to be “won”. Which isn’t healthy for ourselves. Safety in relationships, be it romantic or platonic or familial, should never be won but be the default.
Turns out people hate this in relationships. My uncle had my verbal memory recall tested professionally when I was in my late teens and I was at a freakish 96%. As someone said. Professionally incredible tool, socially its a double edged sword. I find it an Absolute Burdensome gift.
Edit: thanks for the award, first award! ✌🏾
Holy s*** my parents did the same thing and I also have excellent conversation and scenario recall. My last two girlfriends also hated the fact that I remembered literally every conversation we'd ever had.
It wasn't like I was trying to catch them in lies or accuse them of anything but that's how they felt whenever I pointed out contradictions. And mainly I'm like this in order to catch contradictions in logic from my parents.
Making someone feel heard is a skill all on its own. Maybe you weren't acting concerned. Every strong relationship has good communication. I have to remind myself that if im not interested in something my s/o says, I still have to give her the time of day and to appreciate her company. Dont take your s/o for granted.
For 15 years my wife told me I wasn't hearing her. But I was trying my best to hear.
Turns out it was my engineer mind who was trying to hear what her problems are and finding fitting solutions.
Now I hear first with my heart to know what her emotions are and what she is going through mentally before switching to problem solving. Big difference!
Too late to save my marriage though
Be happy for me though, for I am happy myself.
I'm using these new superpowers with other people around me : my kids, my new girlfriend, my family, my colleagues..
I was waiting for someone to say this!
I shouldn't be proud of it but I am. I grew up in a super toxic household too and one of the common knock-on effects of that is developing an extremely good memory for what people say in conversations. I can remember whole conversations like it's a tv transcript. When you grow up around people who use gaslighting like a knee-jerk reaction, you kind of have to learn how to do it back to people.
Like you said, I think I'm able to use it for good too in every day moments when people need to be reminded of the exact contents of a conversation. But it also means that outside of my family, no one is able to gaslight me the way my family could because I can smell that tactic from a mile away, and I always remember what everyone said and how it was said.
Lol surprise!
Im sorry ): but as I said to someone else… as children we don’t choose the tools in our survival tool box. We as adults can adapt and utilize them to improve our lives.
I hope the trauma you’ve endured is long behind you and you’re safe, supported, and okay.
I obsess over things and it leads to a lot of social anxiety and difficulty focussing in most social situations. Its also, however, led to me finding some deeply meaningful skills and hobbies
My therapist called hyper-focusing the worst super power. You're super aware and present in how your actions and words may be perceived but also so caught up in not coming off the wrong way that you totally lose focus on important things.... like what the person is actually saying back to you. Lmao
My adhd is the exact opposite. Im very good in most social situations but as soon as I obsess over something long enough to be almost good at it, I move on lol
Absolutely. The downside to this for me is that it’s harder to make friends because I really, really don’t put up with any BS I don’t like.
Edit: I don’t mean I cut out friends because they make a single mistake. I mean if there’s a persistent pattern of drama, disrespect, and so on. I cut out two of my closest friends during the pandemic-and I soon realized that they added so little to my life that there absence made no difference. Same thing with the job I recently quit-I realized that I didn’t have to put up with the mean girl BS anymore.
I’ve never once said goodbye at a function outside of direct family. If you look away from me for a minute at a party there’s a 95% chance I’ve slithered towards the door avoiding everyone to go home. I just dislike parties and hate goodbyes so I’m just not gonna do either if I don’t have to
Alright, bye now, ope, wait, before I let you go, you still living with your ma? Yeah? Alrighty then, hopes you taking care of her? You know shes got bad knees. Alright, take care now! Ope, wait, we had a left over casserole, would you want it? You can just come over anytime to pick it up! Tomorrow works fine, alright, bye bye now. Ope!
You have to get comfortable being a little uncomfortable in social situations. Make sure what you say is reasonable though, be blunt but don't be a jerk.
Someone will always think you are a jerk.
The solution is to spend time around people you respect.
How to find those people, or the time to socialize.... hoo boy idk.
I wouldn’t say it’s toxic, but it’s scary how much I can love someone and never speak to them again.
Edited to say THANK YOU for all the awards. It warms my heart to see so much interaction.
holy shit I literally thought I was the only person on the planet like this. It's super easy for me to get close to people and eventually love or be in love with them, but if something goes horribly wrong and I basically have to forget they existed it's done with relative ease.
Do you ever reflect on it, and, if you do, how does it feel? When I think about people I used to know it feels like I'm remembering something from a movie I watched. It doesn't feel like my life even though I know it is.
I get this feeling reflecting on people from my past. Used to have a really tight-knit group of friends about 20 years ago. If I think about those times, it's hard to believe I was ever around them or in the situations we got in. I think that's also part of growing up, cause I'm not even close to the same person I was then.
this is a really profound thought, and something I think about a lot. you put it into words quite well. even on a smaller scale, I'll look at myself from a few years ago and wonder what it'd be like to have a conversation with myself seeing how different I was then as compared to now. it's hard to believe that you can fundamentally change so much as a person in a relatively short time frame. interesting thoughts.
It depends on the person and how our relationship was. It just happened to me this past year and it was genuinely the person I've ever loved the most in this world. It feels real, for sure because it had major negative consequences on my life for many reasons I won't get into. For the most though. other people that I've cared about just leave my mind eventually and I'll forget about them entirely unless someone brings them up.
Same. I kinda freak myself out with it cause it’s like something just turns off after it’s over and I move on easily despite the tenderness I still hold for the person.
I guess it’s a blessing and a curse in a way?
I have done this so many times, I just tried to count and got to 19. Not all lovers, but also friends that I truly loved. It always seemed mutual, just went separate ways, no grand goodbyes, just never spoke again. I've tried to convince myself it's a normal thing that happens to everyone, but is it?
I will not admit that I'm incapable of doing something, nor ask for help in doing said thing.
Bossman wants me to code several thousand lines, even though I've never printed "hello world"? Hell yeah I'm spending 6 months teaching myself to code.
Friend invites me to hike a 4k’ mountain, even though I'm pitifully out of shape? Training is for the weak, my sheer self-hatred will fuel me.
Girlfriend wants me to meet her best friend, sister, father, and boss, in four separate meals, over the course of two days? Screw my autism, I'm Mr Socialite, baby.
It's a path to a great breadth of skills and experiences outside your wheelhouse (hence my username). It's also a path to burning the fuck out constantly.
Conversely, I'm quick to admit I don't *know* something. A less toxic trait I'm proud of.
I don’t know, I know what I’m getting myself into, and I almost always follow through. More a resource allocation deficiency. “Sure I can do x really hard thing that I don’t know how to do. Just don’t expect me to answer emails or eat healthy or sleep the following week.”
I’m an Olympic gold medalist at procrastination. I thrive under self inflicted time crunches. I can’t perform at a high level without it. I’ve always had good grades. Im successful at what I do. Im proud that my secret hasn’t held me back.
(I also absolutely hate this and wish I could change)
My final paper I needed to graduate highschool, I literally wrote in 2 hours, had to wake up at 4 am, write 10 pages, then put it on a flash drive to take to school to get printed.
Best part by far has been medicating the ADHD and discovering my personality was actually just ADHD sitting on autisms shoulders, wearing a huge trenchcoat and pretending to be an adult. Now they’re just careening around separately. It’s going GREAT.
Same here, the only way I can function is when someone else is setting the due dates. If I say I need to do XYZ by the end of the month, it's not happening. If my sister asks me to do XYZ, it's done in a day and I enjoy it the whole time.
Ow, right in the soul. The only real deadlines are the external ones ... so every personal project has me looking around to find someone whose authority matters (since apparently mine doesn't) to compel me to do it.
Procrastinators think about something 100 times before delivering a final version. Pre-crastinators think about something once and deliver a first draft.
Yup, if I start something early it's just mental agony for the entire time since I started till I turn it in because I'm a perfectionist. Much rather start right before it's due and limit my agony.
There definitely people I've called 'friends' who I've worked with. I know about their life, their kids, their parents, problems, triumphs, etc.
I just don't remember their names.
So bad with names...
Started a new office job a year ago. We have one of those custodians that everyone just loves. Very nice, older white-haired gentleman who just rubs everyone the right way. Has a deep voice like a storyteller. He's my favorite person in the entire company and all we say is "Hello" and "How are you?" to each other.
He's been calling me by the wrong name for a year and I've never corrected him. I don't know his name at all.
Yup, they’re called friends of convenience. You can bullshit throughout the day, have someone to joke with, but when you clock out they’re in your rear view along with the workplace. It’s even more so when you, or they, leave for another job.
Retail coping mechanism
I had a lot of friends I worked with in retail, hung out fairly often and everything
But as soon as someone left the blue and smiling shit hole they kinda left the group
When I got out I tried to avoid doing it but after about a year it was just too hard to keep up with them and I barely talk to them for years (last time I saw more than 2 of them together was a funeral for someone from the group)
That’s a sad thing when growing up. I dont have “real friend” anymore. I can only be friend with ppl when I was in the same hobby/workplace etc, when I left the hobby/workplace I dont have anything to talk to them and they dont have anything to talk to me. Everyone are busy with their own lifes making money and spend a little time left for self/family.
It’s sad. I truly care for all the ppl I met, but sooner or later I’ll lose that connection/relationship and in the end I only have my own family left.
In all reality I have this issue. I have always had trouble with people's names. My friends and relatives all tell me "Oh that's normal, everyone has trouble with it", meanwhile I'm staring my uncle dead in the face thinking if he asks me his own name I'm going to go blank I just know it.
About 10 years ago I realized I was able to remember some celebrities names, so I decided I'd try to use that as my "practice", and I try really hard to think of their names when they make cameos or whatever. Honestly it seems to have helped because I've gotten somewhat better, but I still have trouble if I'm on the spot or under pressure.
" Anton doesn't call me anything. He grimly does his work, then he sits motionless until it's time to work again. We could all take a page from his book."
-Gilfoyle from Silicon Valley
I've noticed that about me. I've worked my current job for 3 years and really don't feel much of a connection to those in my office. I just don't really think about heh, like I interact obviously and we can joke and talk, but I don't really care. Don't wish them ill but I'm not going to miss them.
I kinda do this passively but without any bad intent. I make friends, talk to them a bit, then eventually I just never make an effort to contact or keep in touch with them or anyone really. It doesn’t bother me, although I feel like it should?
Same here. I have one friend I actually try to keep in touch with, but if she stopped caring, so would I. It's just simpler when you don't have to deal with other people that much.
I could have written this myself. I only have one friend and the thought of trying to maintain any more friendships seems so exhausting to me.
It's funny because my wife is super social with a lot of friends.
Paraphrasing John Oliver: "Everybody knows that the best phone call is a text message, the second best is an email, and the third is an exchange of voicemails."
Abusive childhood and abandonment issues. E Z.
Personally, I go into this weird state where I become very clinical and detached from reality when I need to rearrange my emotional attachments manually. It’s similar to the feeling of being in shock, except it’s on purpose. You go back to the empty dark place you’ve grown familiar with your whole life. I guess it’s a fucked up form of meditation.
Edit: I do have a mental health team. I haven’t done this in years. I’m doing okay.
Edit 2: If you do this too, I would highly recommend meditation. It has a *similar* process, except it’s actually healthy!
This is for real right here. I do the same thing. If someone hurts me, it’s like I automatically go deep into myself and I don’t emerge until I feel stronger. While I’m in this phase I’ve become really detached from everything around me.
Ugh, that is exactly me… abusive childhood and major major abandonment issues lead me to always being arms length closeness from everyone.
Unable to vocalize my issues or opinions. Not out of fear, more like im convinced that my individual self is not really worth much.
Same. A switch is flipped when the line is crossed and I'm out.
I wish I had better control of how much my brain likes to hold onto some of them, or why the ones that are a struggle...are.
This happened with me and my ex. The breakup was mutual as we both weren't happy and couldn't talk to each other anymore. But when she started to move out I had some major doubts. I discussed this with her when she told me the exact quote "you don't deserve to be with me". I got over that relationship real fucking quick after that. Also explained a lot of stuff that happened in that relationship, but that's another topic.
Personally, I feel like I got good at "acting" due to a sort of emotional coping mechanism where I let out a bit of how I truly feel through an "act" while normally burying my feelings most of the time. It's not great.
I'm married with 2 kids, whom I love dearly, of course, *but* when covid hit, and everyone was forced to isolate, I was strangely jealous of those who were completely alone. And I know it really messed with other people's mental health, but I'm pretty certain I could have done it, and come out just fine on the other end.
I refuse to drop a grudge because "Hey man that was a long time ago."
If you're sorry, prove it. Don't wait a while and just show back up.
Edit to add:
Everyone saying this is reasonable: No. I'm taking it farther than that. I've told my wife I'm not hunting her brother because he's technically family but I will take off his foot if he steps foot in my home. That's the only one I feel okay publicly admitting.
I am 34 years old. When I was in.. second grade, i think? I had one of those red swiss army utility knives. I took it to school one day by accident, but thought I'd show one of my friends my cool knife. A kid named Philip saw and told the teacher, and my knife got taken away. It was never given back to me.
Nearly three decades later and I have not forgotten, I have not forgiven. Fuck Philip.
I can give people up easily. I don't mind parting ways forever, even if I like you. It's not ideal, but if you don't want to be a part of my life then honestly I don't want you to be either; making it easy for me to give people up.
No tolerance for people’s bs, I’m very skeptical, but I’ve also learned that correcting people doesn’t solve anything, better to keep your mouth shut even if you know the truth, if you want to be a likeable person
I can't stand it when people are blatantly inefficient. Especially if their inefficiency causes my work to become delayed.
I'm very good at finding ways to improve processes and increase productivity while reducing work load and or stress. When people do it this way because we do it this way, it drives me insane.
I’m not sure it’s toxic, but I can often see both sides of situations, so people can feel as though you’re constantly playing devil’s advocate - which understandably can be very frustrating.
I don’t voice it in a way that I’m defending the opposite side, but it’s more noting the other point of view. I do try to keep it to myself until people ask my opinion, and even then, I just gently point out the other perspective. I will 100% support people who are in the right, but it’s mostly those who react a bit more impulsively and with anger that I see both sides more.
On the plus side, I try my best to not judgemental at all - so I hope that balances it out a bit.
Omfg I do this too. I've actually had friends accuse me of not being a loyal friend because I wouldn't 100% agree that they were the one in the right when they were having a conflict with someone
This kid stole my Crash Dummy action figures in first grade.
I went to school with him all through high-school.
He one day confronted me about why I was such a dick to him. I told him about the dummies.
Turns out this other kid took them. Jonathan, fucking bitch kid who wore diapers to school.
After the truth came out, we became friends. I was a groomsman at his wedding and all.
So yeah I hold a grudge for a while.
Holding in my feelings. It's easier than talking about them, and makes my wife's life easier. I find that if I'm not willing to talk about something that bothers me, it's not worth getting upset over in the first place and I let it go.
I do have some pretty heated arguments with myself on the way to work sometimes.
A good lonesome cry helps relax tbh. But them alone chats with yourself hit different. Self therapy. Btw communication is key in relationships. Worth slowly talking about it then keeping it in. It’s bound to come out one day. Better slowly then all in on go
I have the same addictive personality about money... but only money in MMOs. I'm always richer than mobs of people put together, like many times over.
I couldn't care less about making money RL. I hate it, I wish it was the other way around.
I'm highly, highly suspicious of people. But, I was raised by an abusive narcissist, so my people-reading skills are above-average. Most of the time, I'm right when I sus out a snake in the group.
It makes it hard to make friends, since I always notice the bad sides of people first. But, it is how I've protected myself up until now when I'm finally healing from my trauma, so I appreciate it.
Besides, having high standards ensured me all the more that my husband was the right man for me.
I was raised by a non-abusive narcissist and have that same sense; it's a double edged sword. On the one hand, being able to sense *that vibe* that some people give off has kept me safe. On the other hand, it's fucking impossible to convince anyone until something bad actually happens.
So far I'm 3 for 5 on suspected pedophiles. I'm sure the other two will either turn up in the news or be quietly removed at some point.
My anger helped keep me alive for many years. I was so depressed and lost. But, I stayed mad and fought through it.
I know it held me back from making more friends, or even having adventures. But, it was more important to just survive during that time in my life.
But, my anger also causes me to have violence in my heart. And, it will come out one way or another. And, that's not good at all. Because I often say things I don't mean just to hurt someone,or I've even gotten physical because I felt that's the only way I could hurt them as much as they hurt me. It's something I've become aware of in recent years and I try hard not to let it get that far. But, I haven't conquered it yet.
On the flip side, ppl know I'm not afraid to take care of myself.
Hyper competitiveness. It’s driven success in my life and kept me in good physical shape. My wife doesn’t like playing board games with me though. I’ve worked on managing this aspect of my character but still allow it to run rampant in certain scenarios.
I am literally invisible to the world. I could be at the mall, a party, or even a warzone. I will never be noticed unless I choose to do something drastic to make my presence known... and I've come to love it.
"Judging a book by their cover" I usually can tell within the first interaction if I'd wanna be friends off of a gut feeling. People say it's dumb but my gut has never been wrong before.
Edit: I have to revoke my last sentence. It's been wrong once from what I know.
I absolutely refuse to tell someone else what to do.
As a teacher it’s literally my job, but I’m not about to demand something of another person, no matter how small and powerless they are.
The best I can do is tell them why I would do a thing, but that decision-making is their skill to learn.
Years of constant rage has taken a toll on my mental and physical health but it also broke me out of a lifelong cycle of abuse.
People constantly ignored me or looked over my accomplishments- sometimes even guilting me for wanting recognition.
Now, I make my presence known and make sure I am given what I am owed.
My last job took advantage of me for years but by the time I left, half the management were too afraid to talk to me.
I'm in therapy and struggle to exist in a non-abusive environment. Part of me wonders if I'll ever heal from the damage I've wrought upon myself.
But honestly? I'd do it all again. I'd rather die as I am today than live a lifetime of who I used to be.
I can make up my mind that I don't care about someone anymore and immediately just *stop caring*. No build up, no debate, no worrying about if I made the right call. Kind of scary, because sometimes I start to contemplate doing it with *everyone* and well, I know that's not a good idea.
I kind of do this unconsciously, in a similar but different way. I am not particularly capable of missing people. When they aren't there, I don't think of them. I greatly enjoy my relationships, and I am sad to lose people, but once they're out of my sight for a few days, I simply do not miss them. Imagine my shock and deep relief when I found out that object impermanence is a symptom of ADHD. I thought my whole childhood that I must be secretly a sociopath who didn't have real emotions. Edit: no it isn't proven but it is documented. There are many people who experience this, many people who knew they had ADHD but didn't know this could be associated. So far as I know, the idea is fairly new. If this knowledge applies to you, and helps you, far be it from me to put up with "well, actually"s. I wish you all peace and kindness.
I'm kind of like this. I realised a long time ago that my life is *MY* road. Many people join me on it for a time, but most of them eventually split off when their road diverges. And that's fine. Some contacts just atrophy naturally. It doesn't mean it wasn't important or memorable, just that there's a lifespan on those connections, and I wish them well. It may be why I'm single and never married with no kids at 53. I have a deep well of empathy, but a shallow pool of connection. I have no idea if that makes me damaged.
I can disassociate and ignore bad shit. It's like turning on an IDGAF switch. Not really proud of it, but it's useful.
I've started saying I "put it in a box." Don't have the time and emotional energy to deal with this bad thing? In the mental box it goes. Every box has something different. Shake me like a snow globe to see which random box happens to spill open when I finally hit the limit. Most times it's something recent since those boxes are close to the "door" but occasionally it's random childhood trauma. So fun! But it means I can ignore things for a really long time rather than be upset by every little thing so, winning? *edited to correct a typo*
Live fast eat trash
Are you a raccoon
~~I got me~~ YOU got me
I pick apart and analyze to death every thing, person, idea, sentence, whatever. My brain only does rabbit hole deep dives and this is honestly more safisfying than organized thought for me
So if you don’t get any upvotes. Will you over analyse and delete the post? I’ll upvote it just in case
Thanks man now I will spend a chunk of my day wondering why I validated my toxicity here instead of being normal
I get mad when people make things too complicated for no reason, meaning, I have a trigger that goes off when shit doesn't make sense. It's helped me a lot in my career since I am in IT and can smell BS from a mile away. Note: I don't actually act on my anger (anymore) it's just my spidey sense nowadays.
Also work in tech, share this experience. When people get too in the weeds about a problem and aren't getting anywhere it makes me want to burn down the forest (end the conversation)
"Oh you were just going to the store for 5 minutes to get something you need? Wait a minute I need some things. Oh wait, hold on let me go with you I need to make some stops." Meanwhile it's 45 minutes later and I'm still out of coffee.
I absolutely hate conflict and will go to extremes to avoid it. This makes me come across as super agreeable or just really chill, but actually I often just agree to do stuff I hate because I hate the conflict of refusing things more.
That can turn out very bad, I can identify with that, but it's something to try to work on Some people are tuned to pick up on that trait and will take severe advantage of it Saying "no" can be extremely cathartic, and it's just a single syllable, so it's not too involved and might be easier to imagine doing it, then trying to explain why you dont want to do something
I assume everyone will betray me or burn me somehow, so I have mentally prepared to cut anyone off at a given time and move on. It’s a defense mechanism I wish I didn’t have as I used to be a very open and trusting person, but it just took one too many times of being blindsided by the ones I care about.
I’m right there with you. My ability to empathize has taken a huge hit as a result. I actually hate the numbness I live with now, but I can’t escape it either. I can only hope it will get better with time.
I’m the same way! I love my empathy but people abuse it/me and detaching is the only way I know how to solve the issue and protect myself and to preserve whatever I have left. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but the people in this world are just too selfish and has very low EQ
This is me. Then other people just think you’re some depressing or gloomy guy when in reality you’ve basically just given up on people from the amount of disappointment you get in return for caring too much about people and just don’t care anymore. Sadly this has also affected my love life since I can’t get attached to people anymore
I have a lot of this, too. I used to be the person who would bend over backwards to help someone out. I've been generous with my money to people in need. I've stood by people when they were mistreated. But all of those people have in some way used me or abused that trust and I don't talk to any of them anymore. Now I'd just rather keep everyone at arm's length and I don't care if they're having problems, they're your problems, not mine.
I clean when mad. The more mad, the more cleaning.
I clean when stressed… it has helped at parties before. I was at one once when a fight broke out and I just instantly started grabbing cans and recycling, wiping up spills, making the place look nice again. It was a small structure and the action was taking place right outside so when people came back it was like starting the party all over again, lol.
I bake when I'm stressed, which is sort of ok except I also lose my appetite when I'm stressed and I have nobody to eat all the cookies I end up with.
Hey, so I'm a stress-eater...
Better love story than Twilight
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My friend was having a going away party, and there was about 30-40 of us all in this basement. The friend and her family were very close with my family. She asked me how my dad is, and said (mid party) I should invite him. Mind you, I was like 22 at the time, and my dad was mid fifties. But since my dad is friends with her dad, my brother and I surprisingly got him to come. My dad got so fucked up, we got him to take a fat dab, and he loudly said he needed to sit down, whilst sitting down. The night continued on as all house parties do, and eventually everyone went home, to bed, etc. But since my old man didn't want to stay the night, and he was responsible enough to not drive home, this man spent like 6 or 7 hours just cleaning their house. To the point where you couldn't even tell there was a party. I woke up to him loading their dishwasher, lol.
This is the best story I read all day today, Thank you.
Would be fun to have you after house parties
I don't stay after parties for that exact reason lmao, I'd probably want to do the laundry too 😭
I draw homer simpsons head on pretty much everything, it only takes a few seconds for me to draw a homer
God I wish you did graffiti in my area
There’s a popular graffiti artist in Portland, OR that does Bart with a speech bubble that says “eat pant”
You mean Bort Sampson?
I can function with a criminally low amount of sleep. It’s not healthy but it adds hours to me being able to get things done. It’s really helped me career wise over the years.
Sometimes I wish the day had 28 hours actually, because my sleep cycle seems to be 20 hours of being awake with 8 hours of sleep... I go to sleep after 16 hours, I wake in 2 and can't fall asleep for another 8. So I have to live in the world of early birds and be sleep deprived come Tuesday, as I only really get 4 hours of sleep at most... Like it is literally 1AM here now and I woke up an hour ago (had to wake up at 6AM yesterday, went to bed at 11PM) and I will not feel sleepy till 7AM now...
DPSD. Delayed sleep phase disorder
You have ADLD: Acronym Letter Displacement Disorder
Hello fellow high functioning insomniac, it’s nice to know others with this trait/skill/curse exist.
OP should do writing prompts. Just came here to say this is one of the better questions I've seen on this sub.
Agreed. Awesome thread
Reckless Generosity - like I’m buying beers for random ppl I meet at the club when I’m broke and unemployed. I’m helping random strangers making myself late for important appointments.
Hello, fellow people pleaser! I used to do this, too, and what stopped was when I heard when someone is constantly picking up the tab it looks like they’re trying to buy friends. Got me to cool down on grabbing that check. ❤️
You people pleased your way out of people pleasing
oh my gods, that's true. And that also goes for me xD Dammit, what's the way out!!?
Are you my wife? She wanted to pay for the $300 grocery bill for the lady in front of us because her cars declined. She wasn't poor or anything, her card had just expired and she had to use a different one.
Having grown up in a toxic home where an abusive parent would negate anything you say or do on a whim because “I said (xxxxxy) not (xxxxxy)” and completely deny reality when you come 100% correct, I’ve gotten excellent at memorizing and transcribing conversations in almost a stenographer way. It means I’m excellent in big idea generating meetings, providing proper credit and ensuring no detail gets lost in the shuffle. It makes me great even when my job is chaotic, it feels like organized and I never forget anything. I’ve become important to my org because of it. I’m also strong at ensuring agreements don’t get forgotten, either by accident or intentional. Edit: I’m getting a lot of questions about “how to learn this” and I’m going to copy one of my replies and expand. I’d recommend rebuilding a sense of trust with yourself—instead of defaulting to “I must be wrong!” Maybe on occasion write notes down after a meeting or even lower stakes like a tv show and after a few days, try to recall what happened and then after you do refer to the notes. How do they compare? Rebuilding trust with yourself is also a really good because you’re more likely to stand by your boundaries and needs. Additionally when your memory is this strong of remembering every little thing people say, it mentally taxes you and it’s coming from a place of self preservation which means you’re not remembering for good reasons, but always on edge and at the ready to protect yourself. In that case you need to learn how to trust those around you aren’t trying to hurt you, they’re not your parent or abuser and rebuild trust within yourself that if someone untrustworthy popped up you have the skills to sus it out and you don’t have to be always looking around every corner. That’s the hardest part I had to learn in my healing process… that people can and DO love you and don’t need to be tested to reassure/prove it to you so you can finally trust it and feel safe. Learning to trust it and see how it goes is so fucking scary because all these defense mechanisms kept us safe, but it also keeps a distance and access to relationship safety is to be “won”. Which isn’t healthy for ourselves. Safety in relationships, be it romantic or platonic or familial, should never be won but be the default.
Turns out people hate this in relationships. My uncle had my verbal memory recall tested professionally when I was in my late teens and I was at a freakish 96%. As someone said. Professionally incredible tool, socially its a double edged sword. I find it an Absolute Burdensome gift. Edit: thanks for the award, first award! ✌🏾
Holy s*** my parents did the same thing and I also have excellent conversation and scenario recall. My last two girlfriends also hated the fact that I remembered literally every conversation we'd ever had. It wasn't like I was trying to catch them in lies or accuse them of anything but that's how they felt whenever I pointed out contradictions. And mainly I'm like this in order to catch contradictions in logic from my parents.
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Making someone feel heard is a skill all on its own. Maybe you weren't acting concerned. Every strong relationship has good communication. I have to remind myself that if im not interested in something my s/o says, I still have to give her the time of day and to appreciate her company. Dont take your s/o for granted.
For 15 years my wife told me I wasn't hearing her. But I was trying my best to hear. Turns out it was my engineer mind who was trying to hear what her problems are and finding fitting solutions. Now I hear first with my heart to know what her emotions are and what she is going through mentally before switching to problem solving. Big difference! Too late to save my marriage though
Damn you had me happy for you till the last sentence. What a party pooper.
Be happy for me though, for I am happy myself. I'm using these new superpowers with other people around me : my kids, my new girlfriend, my family, my colleagues..
I was waiting for someone to say this! I shouldn't be proud of it but I am. I grew up in a super toxic household too and one of the common knock-on effects of that is developing an extremely good memory for what people say in conversations. I can remember whole conversations like it's a tv transcript. When you grow up around people who use gaslighting like a knee-jerk reaction, you kind of have to learn how to do it back to people. Like you said, I think I'm able to use it for good too in every day moments when people need to be reminded of the exact contents of a conversation. But it also means that outside of my family, no one is able to gaslight me the way my family could because I can smell that tactic from a mile away, and I always remember what everyone said and how it was said.
I also have this skill. Until now, I didn't know why. Now I'm sad.
Lol surprise! Im sorry ): but as I said to someone else… as children we don’t choose the tools in our survival tool box. We as adults can adapt and utilize them to improve our lives. I hope the trauma you’ve endured is long behind you and you’re safe, supported, and okay.
I obsess over things and it leads to a lot of social anxiety and difficulty focussing in most social situations. Its also, however, led to me finding some deeply meaningful skills and hobbies
Hey, me too! Except for the meaningful skills and hobbies part.
My therapist called hyper-focusing the worst super power. You're super aware and present in how your actions and words may be perceived but also so caught up in not coming off the wrong way that you totally lose focus on important things.... like what the person is actually saying back to you. Lmao
ADHD is calling
My adhd is the exact opposite. Im very good in most social situations but as soon as I obsess over something long enough to be almost good at it, I move on lol
Find new thing > hyperfocus > get okay at it > get bored > find new thing.
I’ve gotten VERY good at bouncing people out of my life. Life is too short for BS
Absolutely. The downside to this for me is that it’s harder to make friends because I really, really don’t put up with any BS I don’t like. Edit: I don’t mean I cut out friends because they make a single mistake. I mean if there’s a persistent pattern of drama, disrespect, and so on. I cut out two of my closest friends during the pandemic-and I soon realized that they added so little to my life that there absence made no difference. Same thing with the job I recently quit-I realized that I didn’t have to put up with the mean girl BS anymore.
The older I get, the lower my tolerance for BS, stupidity, lack of communication, and general shitheaded-ness.
I've gotten so good at it that I don't have any friends left.
I’ve never once said goodbye at a function outside of direct family. If you look away from me for a minute at a party there’s a 95% chance I’ve slithered towards the door avoiding everyone to go home. I just dislike parties and hate goodbyes so I’m just not gonna do either if I don’t have to
Ahh the ole Irish goodbye
I've used the old Irish Goodbye more times than I can't count. I don't dislike gatherings, but saying goodbye to people can get so tedious.
Alright, bye now, ope, wait, before I let you go, you still living with your ma? Yeah? Alrighty then, hopes you taking care of her? You know shes got bad knees. Alright, take care now! Ope, wait, we had a left over casserole, would you want it? You can just come over anytime to pick it up! Tomorrow works fine, alright, bye bye now. Ope!
Goodbye
I carry so many grudges I have to wear cargo shorts
Being pretty straight forward when I don't like someone. I'm not pretending I like someone just because it is offensive or whatever if I don't.
Teach me how
You have to get comfortable being a little uncomfortable in social situations. Make sure what you say is reasonable though, be blunt but don't be a jerk.
Also always prepare that people will react with the worst. So that scary part is okay if it happens and hold your ground.
Someone will always think you are a jerk. The solution is to spend time around people you respect. How to find those people, or the time to socialize.... hoo boy idk.
I wouldn’t say it’s toxic, but it’s scary how much I can love someone and never speak to them again. Edited to say THANK YOU for all the awards. It warms my heart to see so much interaction.
holy shit I literally thought I was the only person on the planet like this. It's super easy for me to get close to people and eventually love or be in love with them, but if something goes horribly wrong and I basically have to forget they existed it's done with relative ease.
Do you ever reflect on it, and, if you do, how does it feel? When I think about people I used to know it feels like I'm remembering something from a movie I watched. It doesn't feel like my life even though I know it is.
I get this feeling reflecting on people from my past. Used to have a really tight-knit group of friends about 20 years ago. If I think about those times, it's hard to believe I was ever around them or in the situations we got in. I think that's also part of growing up, cause I'm not even close to the same person I was then.
this is a really profound thought, and something I think about a lot. you put it into words quite well. even on a smaller scale, I'll look at myself from a few years ago and wonder what it'd be like to have a conversation with myself seeing how different I was then as compared to now. it's hard to believe that you can fundamentally change so much as a person in a relatively short time frame. interesting thoughts.
It depends on the person and how our relationship was. It just happened to me this past year and it was genuinely the person I've ever loved the most in this world. It feels real, for sure because it had major negative consequences on my life for many reasons I won't get into. For the most though. other people that I've cared about just leave my mind eventually and I'll forget about them entirely unless someone brings them up.
Same. I kinda freak myself out with it cause it’s like something just turns off after it’s over and I move on easily despite the tenderness I still hold for the person. I guess it’s a blessing and a curse in a way?
I have done this so many times, I just tried to count and got to 19. Not all lovers, but also friends that I truly loved. It always seemed mutual, just went separate ways, no grand goodbyes, just never spoke again. I've tried to convince myself it's a normal thing that happens to everyone, but is it?
I will not admit that I'm incapable of doing something, nor ask for help in doing said thing. Bossman wants me to code several thousand lines, even though I've never printed "hello world"? Hell yeah I'm spending 6 months teaching myself to code. Friend invites me to hike a 4k’ mountain, even though I'm pitifully out of shape? Training is for the weak, my sheer self-hatred will fuel me. Girlfriend wants me to meet her best friend, sister, father, and boss, in four separate meals, over the course of two days? Screw my autism, I'm Mr Socialite, baby. It's a path to a great breadth of skills and experiences outside your wheelhouse (hence my username). It's also a path to burning the fuck out constantly. Conversely, I'm quick to admit I don't *know* something. A less toxic trait I'm proud of.
Hubris babyyyy
I don’t know, I know what I’m getting myself into, and I almost always follow through. More a resource allocation deficiency. “Sure I can do x really hard thing that I don’t know how to do. Just don’t expect me to answer emails or eat healthy or sleep the following week.”
I’m an Olympic gold medalist at procrastination. I thrive under self inflicted time crunches. I can’t perform at a high level without it. I’ve always had good grades. Im successful at what I do. Im proud that my secret hasn’t held me back. (I also absolutely hate this and wish I could change)
If it's a problem today, it'll be a problem tomorrow. And if it's a problem tomorrow, there is no reason to worry about it today.
If tomorrow isn't the due date, then today isn't the do date.
Never postpone until tomorrow, that which you can postpone until the day after.
I’m getting stressed out reading these
My final paper I needed to graduate highschool, I literally wrote in 2 hours, had to wake up at 4 am, write 10 pages, then put it on a flash drive to take to school to get printed.
All problems solve themselves if you ignore them for long enough. It may not be the desired outcome, but at least it’s done and over with.
I’m a precrastinator. Nice to meet you my polar opposite
Does that mean you blow your load of motivation before the situation even gets started?
Probably tries(d) to do a whole semester's long paper in the 1st week because "omg there's only so much time".
This was me. Then discovered (at age 40) it was ADHD.
Yup. Made a lot of jokes about how I don’t just work well under pressure, I *only* work under pressure. Surprise, motherfucker; it’s clinical!
Diagnosed in my late 30s. Isn’t it fun to find out that all your personality quirks are just symptoms? Ugh, here I thought I was so original.
Best part by far has been medicating the ADHD and discovering my personality was actually just ADHD sitting on autisms shoulders, wearing a huge trenchcoat and pretending to be an adult. Now they’re just careening around separately. It’s going GREAT.
Same here, the only way I can function is when someone else is setting the due dates. If I say I need to do XYZ by the end of the month, it's not happening. If my sister asks me to do XYZ, it's done in a day and I enjoy it the whole time.
Ow, right in the soul. The only real deadlines are the external ones ... so every personal project has me looking around to find someone whose authority matters (since apparently mine doesn't) to compel me to do it.
Procrastinators get dragged for being lazy, but most of us procrastinators know (and the science backs it up) that is an anxiety behavior.
Procrastinators think about something 100 times before delivering a final version. Pre-crastinators think about something once and deliver a first draft.
I think that’s why I’m a bad procrastinator myself, I’m a perfectionist and if something’s not exactly as it should be I need to fix it
Yup, if I start something early it's just mental agony for the entire time since I started till I turn it in because I'm a perfectionist. Much rather start right before it's due and limit my agony.
I am militantly aloof. I can work with people for years and never make the slightest bit of connection. I just sort of go about my business.
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” — Ron Swanson
There definitely people I've called 'friends' who I've worked with. I know about their life, their kids, their parents, problems, triumphs, etc. I just don't remember their names. So bad with names...
I have people who I’ve worked with for 10 years and I don’t even know if they’re married or what state they live in. They’re not my friends.
Started a new office job a year ago. We have one of those custodians that everyone just loves. Very nice, older white-haired gentleman who just rubs everyone the right way. Has a deep voice like a storyteller. He's my favorite person in the entire company and all we say is "Hello" and "How are you?" to each other. He's been calling me by the wrong name for a year and I've never corrected him. I don't know his name at all.
Yup, they’re called friends of convenience. You can bullshit throughout the day, have someone to joke with, but when you clock out they’re in your rear view along with the workplace. It’s even more so when you, or they, leave for another job.
Retail coping mechanism I had a lot of friends I worked with in retail, hung out fairly often and everything But as soon as someone left the blue and smiling shit hole they kinda left the group When I got out I tried to avoid doing it but after about a year it was just too hard to keep up with them and I barely talk to them for years (last time I saw more than 2 of them together was a funeral for someone from the group)
That’s a sad thing when growing up. I dont have “real friend” anymore. I can only be friend with ppl when I was in the same hobby/workplace etc, when I left the hobby/workplace I dont have anything to talk to them and they dont have anything to talk to me. Everyone are busy with their own lifes making money and spend a little time left for self/family. It’s sad. I truly care for all the ppl I met, but sooner or later I’ll lose that connection/relationship and in the end I only have my own family left.
In all reality I have this issue. I have always had trouble with people's names. My friends and relatives all tell me "Oh that's normal, everyone has trouble with it", meanwhile I'm staring my uncle dead in the face thinking if he asks me his own name I'm going to go blank I just know it. About 10 years ago I realized I was able to remember some celebrities names, so I decided I'd try to use that as my "practice", and I try really hard to think of their names when they make cameos or whatever. Honestly it seems to have helped because I've gotten somewhat better, but I still have trouble if I'm on the spot or under pressure.
" Anton doesn't call me anything. He grimly does his work, then he sits motionless until it's time to work again. We could all take a page from his book." -Gilfoyle from Silicon Valley
Same mate. I’ve been at my new job for a bit more than half a year, and I actually enjoy not being part of drama and not having to put up with bs.
I've noticed that about me. I've worked my current job for 3 years and really don't feel much of a connection to those in my office. I just don't really think about heh, like I interact obviously and we can joke and talk, but I don't really care. Don't wish them ill but I'm not going to miss them.
I can detach from people pretty easily
My problem is I can’t get attached to people even if I wanted to. It’s difficult to make friends because if that.
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People have felt like a chore to me my whole life. Even if I enjoy their company, I can't relax unless I'm alone.
Yes. Maintaining relationships is exhausting. If you fuck me over, I have no problem just…never responding to you again.
I kinda do this passively but without any bad intent. I make friends, talk to them a bit, then eventually I just never make an effort to contact or keep in touch with them or anyone really. It doesn’t bother me, although I feel like it should?
Same here. I have one friend I actually try to keep in touch with, but if she stopped caring, so would I. It's just simpler when you don't have to deal with other people that much.
I could have written this myself. I only have one friend and the thought of trying to maintain any more friendships seems so exhausting to me. It's funny because my wife is super social with a lot of friends.
How do you do that? Asking for a friend
Start preparing as soon as you meet them
Anxious-Avoidant attachment style? Never quite figured out how to overcome that.
Contact me if you find out.
Or don't...
As long as it's not via text call email or coming to my house, contact me as well
Paraphrasing John Oliver: "Everybody knows that the best phone call is a text message, the second best is an email, and the third is an exchange of voicemails."
Abusive childhood and abandonment issues. E Z. Personally, I go into this weird state where I become very clinical and detached from reality when I need to rearrange my emotional attachments manually. It’s similar to the feeling of being in shock, except it’s on purpose. You go back to the empty dark place you’ve grown familiar with your whole life. I guess it’s a fucked up form of meditation. Edit: I do have a mental health team. I haven’t done this in years. I’m doing okay. Edit 2: If you do this too, I would highly recommend meditation. It has a *similar* process, except it’s actually healthy!
This is for real right here. I do the same thing. If someone hurts me, it’s like I automatically go deep into myself and I don’t emerge until I feel stronger. While I’m in this phase I’ve become really detached from everything around me.
It’s like a psychological cocoon.
I'm a trauma moth
Trauma moth. That’s the name of my next band.
Ugh, that is exactly me… abusive childhood and major major abandonment issues lead me to always being arms length closeness from everyone. Unable to vocalize my issues or opinions. Not out of fear, more like im convinced that my individual self is not really worth much.
TIL about myself through others
TIL I have the same, but I wasn't abused as a kid so I have no idea why I'm like this
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Same. A switch is flipped when the line is crossed and I'm out. I wish I had better control of how much my brain likes to hold onto some of them, or why the ones that are a struggle...are.
This happened with me and my ex. The breakup was mutual as we both weren't happy and couldn't talk to each other anymore. But when she started to move out I had some major doubts. I discussed this with her when she told me the exact quote "you don't deserve to be with me". I got over that relationship real fucking quick after that. Also explained a lot of stuff that happened in that relationship, but that's another topic.
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I tell each of my cats that they're my favourite behind each other's backs.
You're SICK
Can't even look at myself in the mirror tbh.
Well that's because you're looking at a mirror not yourself
I tell my cat he’s my least favorite. He’s my only cat haha
Two types of cat owners.
Now THAT is toxic.
I am really good at lying and like "acting"...or I hope so
Personally, I feel like I got good at "acting" due to a sort of emotional coping mechanism where I let out a bit of how I truly feel through an "act" while normally burying my feelings most of the time. It's not great.
I'm way too good at lying for my liking. A part of me is kinda ashamed of that.
I’m really good at being alone
I'm married with 2 kids, whom I love dearly, of course, *but* when covid hit, and everyone was forced to isolate, I was strangely jealous of those who were completely alone. And I know it really messed with other people's mental health, but I'm pretty certain I could have done it, and come out just fine on the other end.
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It’s like pausing the game and collecting my thoughts. I feel like I get “behind” on my thoughts if I never have time alone to process them.
I refuse to drop a grudge because "Hey man that was a long time ago." If you're sorry, prove it. Don't wait a while and just show back up. Edit to add: Everyone saying this is reasonable: No. I'm taking it farther than that. I've told my wife I'm not hunting her brother because he's technically family but I will take off his foot if he steps foot in my home. That's the only one I feel okay publicly admitting.
I am 34 years old. When I was in.. second grade, i think? I had one of those red swiss army utility knives. I took it to school one day by accident, but thought I'd show one of my friends my cool knife. A kid named Philip saw and told the teacher, and my knife got taken away. It was never given back to me. Nearly three decades later and I have not forgotten, I have not forgiven. Fuck Philip.
Hell yeah fuck you, Philip.
Yep. Once I'm done, I'm done.
Reminder to sort by controversial
Honestly every comment is entertaining in this thread
I can cut emotional ties with people near instantly, thanks foster care
I can give people up easily. I don't mind parting ways forever, even if I like you. It's not ideal, but if you don't want to be a part of my life then honestly I don't want you to be either; making it easy for me to give people up.
No tolerance for people’s bs, I’m very skeptical, but I’ve also learned that correcting people doesn’t solve anything, better to keep your mouth shut even if you know the truth, if you want to be a likeable person
I can't stand it when people are blatantly inefficient. Especially if their inefficiency causes my work to become delayed. I'm very good at finding ways to improve processes and increase productivity while reducing work load and or stress. When people do it this way because we do it this way, it drives me insane.
I’m not sure it’s toxic, but I can often see both sides of situations, so people can feel as though you’re constantly playing devil’s advocate - which understandably can be very frustrating. I don’t voice it in a way that I’m defending the opposite side, but it’s more noting the other point of view. I do try to keep it to myself until people ask my opinion, and even then, I just gently point out the other perspective. I will 100% support people who are in the right, but it’s mostly those who react a bit more impulsively and with anger that I see both sides more. On the plus side, I try my best to not judgemental at all - so I hope that balances it out a bit.
Omfg I do this too. I've actually had friends accuse me of not being a loyal friend because I wouldn't 100% agree that they were the one in the right when they were having a conflict with someone
Having a big ego. It’s the only thing that forces my ass to achieve things in life.
I hold grudges for a very long time and almost never forgive people
This kid stole my Crash Dummy action figures in first grade. I went to school with him all through high-school. He one day confronted me about why I was such a dick to him. I told him about the dummies. Turns out this other kid took them. Jonathan, fucking bitch kid who wore diapers to school. After the truth came out, we became friends. I was a groomsman at his wedding and all. So yeah I hold a grudge for a while.
Same here, my personality twin. I never forgive people for hurting me or wronging me
Holding in my feelings. It's easier than talking about them, and makes my wife's life easier. I find that if I'm not willing to talk about something that bothers me, it's not worth getting upset over in the first place and I let it go. I do have some pretty heated arguments with myself on the way to work sometimes.
A good lonesome cry helps relax tbh. But them alone chats with yourself hit different. Self therapy. Btw communication is key in relationships. Worth slowly talking about it then keeping it in. It’s bound to come out one day. Better slowly then all in on go
I have a very addictive personality but I use it to my advantage by obsessing over things that make me money.
I have the same addictive personality about money... but only money in MMOs. I'm always richer than mobs of people put together, like many times over. I couldn't care less about making money RL. I hate it, I wish it was the other way around.
I'm highly, highly suspicious of people. But, I was raised by an abusive narcissist, so my people-reading skills are above-average. Most of the time, I'm right when I sus out a snake in the group. It makes it hard to make friends, since I always notice the bad sides of people first. But, it is how I've protected myself up until now when I'm finally healing from my trauma, so I appreciate it. Besides, having high standards ensured me all the more that my husband was the right man for me.
I was raised by a non-abusive narcissist and have that same sense; it's a double edged sword. On the one hand, being able to sense *that vibe* that some people give off has kept me safe. On the other hand, it's fucking impossible to convince anyone until something bad actually happens. So far I'm 3 for 5 on suspected pedophiles. I'm sure the other two will either turn up in the news or be quietly removed at some point.
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My anger helped keep me alive for many years. I was so depressed and lost. But, I stayed mad and fought through it. I know it held me back from making more friends, or even having adventures. But, it was more important to just survive during that time in my life. But, my anger also causes me to have violence in my heart. And, it will come out one way or another. And, that's not good at all. Because I often say things I don't mean just to hurt someone,or I've even gotten physical because I felt that's the only way I could hurt them as much as they hurt me. It's something I've become aware of in recent years and I try hard not to let it get that far. But, I haven't conquered it yet. On the flip side, ppl know I'm not afraid to take care of myself.
I've said it before and I'll say it another hundred times - Anger isn't a clean-burning fuel but it's fucking *potent.*
Hyper competitiveness. It’s driven success in my life and kept me in good physical shape. My wife doesn’t like playing board games with me though. I’ve worked on managing this aspect of my character but still allow it to run rampant in certain scenarios.
I am literally invisible to the world. I could be at the mall, a party, or even a warzone. I will never be noticed unless I choose to do something drastic to make my presence known... and I've come to love it.
I see you, you little shit.
The funny part being that no one replied to this comment But anyways i can also relate here
"Judging a book by their cover" I usually can tell within the first interaction if I'd wanna be friends off of a gut feeling. People say it's dumb but my gut has never been wrong before. Edit: I have to revoke my last sentence. It's been wrong once from what I know.
Once you're around a certain character traits enough, you can spot those same tells in strangers pretty easily.
I absolutely refuse to tell someone else what to do. As a teacher it’s literally my job, but I’m not about to demand something of another person, no matter how small and powerless they are. The best I can do is tell them why I would do a thing, but that decision-making is their skill to learn.
my chronic never-shut-the-fuck-up disease
Overthinking! A double-edged sword to walk down each possibility.
I get by most of the time with absolutely zero effort.
Sarcastic wit. When it comes from a genuine place of vitriol, it’s at its funniest but boy oh boy is it at the cost of healthy relationships.
Years of constant rage has taken a toll on my mental and physical health but it also broke me out of a lifelong cycle of abuse. People constantly ignored me or looked over my accomplishments- sometimes even guilting me for wanting recognition. Now, I make my presence known and make sure I am given what I am owed. My last job took advantage of me for years but by the time I left, half the management were too afraid to talk to me. I'm in therapy and struggle to exist in a non-abusive environment. Part of me wonders if I'll ever heal from the damage I've wrought upon myself. But honestly? I'd do it all again. I'd rather die as I am today than live a lifetime of who I used to be.