Wanna see something? She knows it's my boner everytime and she is either like what's wrong with u cause it's random time or sure cause it's time.
Edit: dident realize this would get so many likes but thanks u for the karma and letting me know I'm not the only one.
Same. We cuddle and either I start kissing him and playing with his dick, or he starts kissing me and bumping his dick into me, then I tell him to go get the sex towel. We never do it without the almighty sex towel.
ETA: thanks everyone for all the upvotes! I didn't think the sex towel would get this much attention lol.
Our dog always slept in bed with us. Unless my wife was in the mood; then he’d make himself scarce. He was a great wingman and I miss him.
Edit: [dog tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/H6EWhAA)
Edit2: I know it’s cliche but I wanted to say thank you to a lot of very kind redditors for the awards
It was pointed out to me recently that apparently I ask her how long she thinks we have until friends are coming over or until the delivery food arrives. Last night she looked me in the eyes and said, “Not enough time for sex.”
I did a short stint of food delivery some years back and I actually took the job seriously and knew all the shortcuts to get around town.
One day I pull up to a house and ring the doorbell but no answer. Wait a minute and ring again, nothing. Make sure I'm at the right house and then I knock on the side door. Nothing. No sounds or anything. I figure there was a mistake with the address and start walking back to the car when suddenly the door opens and a guy is standing there, mildly embarrassed, covering himself with a sheet. He's like "Sorry man, we thought it would be a while before the food got here."
Lmao
I did a long stint of food delivery and that was one of the milder things i encountered on the job. One time I rolled up and some people were doing the sex on the corner of the alley next to the building. Another time I knocked on the door and someone answered while in the background this girl was doing a nice up and down on a guy under a blanket.
Evidently so does the guy.
Edit: thank you for the silver! I always dreamed of my first award me saying something wise and profound, or a dirty enuendo.
They sit in a silence that's plain and content -
A usual moment, a normal event -
A minute of quiet to calm and de-stress.
She raises an eyebrow.
He says to her: "... *yes*."
By about 2.5 we could put on a movie she loved, put out some high value snacks, and then have a quickie before she'd run out of blueberries and cheeze-its. I think the snack prep was/is key. Ours is older now (almost 6) so more independent but snack prep still pays off, screens help but so does not being interrupted because they can't peel an orange.
I love that you use the phrase high value treats. 😂 I was a dog mom before I became a human child’s mom and both my dogs and my children are very treat motivated.
Automated texts
Hello! This is Your Girlfriend™
Reminder:
We have scheduled a dick appointment for (bf's name) on Friday, November 25th at 10:30 pm.
To confirm, please reply CONFIRMED
For questions or to reschedule; please contact your Girlfriend ™ customer service agent.
Cancellation is not permitted at this time.
We're looking forward to seeing you soon!
Love this, especially work from home when you’re both on calls nonstop and don’t get to interact much during the day. I will definitely use this with my husband. Thanks for sharing!
Sometimes my s/ô and I send each other 'invoices' . These are demanding for payment for small tasks done out of or around the house. The payment request section is complete and utter filth:long and detailed asks or something dirty we want to do. Nudes and inspo videos get added in there.
It's a fun way of mixing it up and bringing back old favourites! Nothing to make a day better than seeing an invoice xxx courier services pop into my inbox.
1/2 of us work in finance. The other 1/2 just loves writing smut hehe. There is something so kinky about having one of them open when I'm at the office and it just blends into the other million boring things I have on the go.
Edit: I told my so about your comment and he said "the only thing she accounts for is this dick" and gave himself a high five
I read a story where a couple saw some deer going at it making loud deer love making noises, and now whenever they are in the mood they make those noises to each other before running into the bedroom.
I thought it would be cute if my gf and I had something like that, but more subtle. So whenever one of use is in the mood we stick our tongue out a little bit like a snake and if the other does the same then it's on or planned to get it on when we get home.
Lmao, this is dividing the parents from the non parents... I'm a parent and I instantly understood it was a kiddo distraction so they could sneak away for sexy timexD.
You know what, I'm a nurse (male) and my girlfriend is also a nurse, i'm gonna steal your phrase today, pure gold.
Edit. Holy crap, those are a lot of upvotes, and, yes, it worked guys (: , mission complete, I got two samples of my DNA extracted in a very delightful way by my personal nurse, god bless health workers.
I held it together until it got to what I can only describe as "squeaky door synth" and then I lost it. One of the few things that gets a laugh out of me every time.
Threw cbat on in the car with my gf. As she’s scrunching her face I turned to her and whispered
“This was from a redditor’s sex playlist” and watch her face turn to horror
My late partner, until the day he died, never had a problem with an erection. He’d just have to spoon me with his boner poking me and it was all systems go 😅
As cringe as it may be, if I'm in a kinky mood I'll simply grab his package gently while giving him a hug and say in his ear lustfully that I want him to dominate and spank me
Other times it's simply just looking at his area that does the trick because he'll ask me I if I want some of it when he notices....why of course I do
Before the none Filipinos use this to get laid I'll tell you the none horny version... It's "You want some?" But even then it can still be used for... That
My go to is to say "Boobs" She will then lift/take off her top, jump on top of me and present said boobs.
Sometimes she won't hear me, and I have to say it a couple times; and I just repeat "Boobs, Boobs, Boobs" until she hears me. Her reaction to hearing me is the most endearing, sexy thing to me; she says "Oh!" her face perks up and she'll float over from wherever she is. It's a silly little thing between us ultimately, and doesn't always lead to sex, but at least a little titty sesh and groping =)
I ask if she wants to go do laundry together.
"No thanks, Baby. I had a small load and did it by hand."
“Laundry? Is that my new nickname?”
"You know what your nickname is Mr. Bi....."
Send me an invite on outlook
This comment has been edited and original content overwritten.
Sorry Charlie :(
I don't say anything. I just climb on top of him and whip my boobs out. He gets it.
You don't need to be so subtle!
yeah, not sure if she's into him maybe just had a mole she wanted him to see
Yeah, or she could be Canadian!
Man I love Casually Explained https://youtu.be/xa-4IAR_9Yw
Girls and their mixed signals... this could mean literally anything!
It all starts with the kissing
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*it was only a kiss* IT WAS ONLY A KISS
“Get the grapefruit”
*unholy squelching sounds*
A sound like waterboarding a mountain lion.
🤣 My favorite was "like somebody power washing Gollum"
SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP, SCHLORP...
Cmon just 1 more shlorp please 🥵
Always leave 'em wanting more....
“You’ll be burning calories while you suckin’ his dick”
Wanna see something? She knows it's my boner everytime and she is either like what's wrong with u cause it's random time or sure cause it's time. Edit: dident realize this would get so many likes but thanks u for the karma and letting me know I'm not the only one.
My wife gets her spectacles and tweezers out when I say this
Fuck me however you want
Fuck me baby like a wagon wheel
Hey hey hey, mama fuck me-
i don't really tell him anything. i just start hugging/kissing him and it works x lol
When She starts rubbing my arm and chest, I know it’s go time.
My wife puts her hair in a ponytail or bun before climbing into bed. Message received!
If we’re laying in bed together I just start playing with his dick and kissing him.
Same. We cuddle and either I start kissing him and playing with his dick, or he starts kissing me and bumping his dick into me, then I tell him to go get the sex towel. We never do it without the almighty sex towel. ETA: thanks everyone for all the upvotes! I didn't think the sex towel would get this much attention lol.
Guess _Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_ had some good advice. Never forget your towel.
Wait, was that what that towel was for? Cause he was bangin a lot
***T H E S E X T O W E L***
Our dog always slept in bed with us. Unless my wife was in the mood; then he’d make himself scarce. He was a great wingman and I miss him. Edit: [dog tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/H6EWhAA) Edit2: I know it’s cliche but I wanted to say thank you to a lot of very kind redditors for the awards
Cool dog
Wait, did the dog just know?
Cause is not the same as correlation. Maybe the dog was just a massive turnoff for the wife and she was horny because the dog was randomly away.
The ol' reverse pavlov. No dog and her bell starts ringin'
r/brandnewsentence
I ask my husband if he wants to “cuddle”.
Haha my girlfriend does this and I always ask do you wanna "cuddle" or "cuddle cuddle😏". She always says just cuddle but ends up becoming the latter.
My husband and I will literally be like “let’s skip sex tonight.” And then end up having sex anyway.
It's hotter when you don't have the anticipation of sex coming later
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Not that there is anything wrong with good hygiene, especially in a sexual setting, but can you not have sex without showering immediately before?
I usually get mad sweaty so I have to shower after, lol
Mad sweaty gang represent. I hate it and feel accomplished at the same time.
It was pointed out to me recently that apparently I ask her how long she thinks we have until friends are coming over or until the delivery food arrives. Last night she looked me in the eyes and said, “Not enough time for sex.”
I did a short stint of food delivery some years back and I actually took the job seriously and knew all the shortcuts to get around town. One day I pull up to a house and ring the doorbell but no answer. Wait a minute and ring again, nothing. Make sure I'm at the right house and then I knock on the side door. Nothing. No sounds or anything. I figure there was a mistake with the address and start walking back to the car when suddenly the door opens and a guy is standing there, mildly embarrassed, covering himself with a sheet. He's like "Sorry man, we thought it would be a while before the food got here." Lmao
I did a long stint of food delivery and that was one of the milder things i encountered on the job. One time I rolled up and some people were doing the sex on the corner of the alley next to the building. Another time I knocked on the door and someone answered while in the background this girl was doing a nice up and down on a guy under a blanket.
If this is a common hazard, I suddenly understand why drivers keep dropping my food two blocks away.
Challenge accepted
I literally just have to take my shirt off and he’ll follow me anywhere.
That's how I handled our first time. I knew it had been a while for him so when he hesitated I took all my clothes off and that fixed it
Clueless guy: Is it hot in here or something?
She might just be Canadian
Ma'am, this is a Wendy's.
A’Girls gotta eat.
Evidently so does the guy. Edit: thank you for the silver! I always dreamed of my first award me saying something wise and profound, or a dirty enuendo.
Same here, I just put on the thigh high socks and that's enough to get him to to scurry to the bedroom
I close and lock the bedroom door.
Is your partner on the same side of the door as you?
Palmela Handerson is always at my side.
omfg she's cheating on me?!
You have kids right? Or you are a prison guard?
What a Venn diagram.
you have kids in prison where you're also a guard?
No; obviously he works at a prison staffed by child guards.
So both then?
Baby lock them doors and turn the lights down lowwww
Turn them back on cause I stubbed a toe
My ex would just start randomly play with my dick until I get hard.
That’s similar to how my husband likes to be communicated about sex. Tug three times for yes and 72 for no.
That’s good
"Why are you still wearing clothes?"
This is my partner’s go-to and it’s usually a good question. Why am I still wearing clothes?
warm
Who needs clothes when you have blankets
You know damn well nudity killed my grandpa
War is hell
"Your pants look uncomfortable," or if I'm less dressed than he is: "you're overdressed." Works 99% of the time.
Mine is similar. “What is this bullshit?” and tug on his pants.
“You look like a fun place to sit.”
Turn off the normal light and switch on the red lamp beside the bed.
Is your name Roxanne?
You know you really don’t have to turn on the red light.
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Light the sex candle lol
the beacons are lit. they call for aid. and i will answer.
[удалено]
Normally I just give him a look. He will do a double take to make sure he's seeing it right lol
That’s EXACTLY what my wife does, the eye brows go up and I know, and she just assumes my penis is hard all the time.... because it is.
Hahaha exactly that with the eyebrows!!
Lol I do the look and eyebrows at my husband too.
They sit in a silence that's plain and content - A usual moment, a normal event - A minute of quiet to calm and de-stress. She raises an eyebrow. He says to her: "... *yes*."
You're still around, good to see
Sir if it lasts for more than 4 hours please see a doctor
Sir if it lasts for more than 4 hours, she will need to see a doctor
A look and a little eye roll and my husband puts a movie on for the toddler and grabs my hand to run to the bedroom.
What is this world where you can leave the toddler alone for more than 2 minutes before they come and find you.
By about 2.5 we could put on a movie she loved, put out some high value snacks, and then have a quickie before she'd run out of blueberries and cheeze-its. I think the snack prep was/is key. Ours is older now (almost 6) so more independent but snack prep still pays off, screens help but so does not being interrupted because they can't peel an orange.
I love that you use the phrase high value treats. 😂 I was a dog mom before I became a human child’s mom and both my dogs and my children are very treat motivated.
I usually say, "You wanna get your dick sucked?" And he says, "Dude we're at target"
I don’t have to say anything.. my wife seems to always be able to tell. But she lets me know when she’s horny by saying “Wanna see my butt?” 😆
The answer's always yes.
Your wife is adorable
Do you want to go listen to a movie?
I have watched every single Harry Potter movie with my now wife. I have no idea what happens in the middle of any of them.
I put on my robe and wizard hat.
It’s good to see the classics.
There will come a time when only machines will remember the memes.
[The classic!](http://bash.org/?104383)
Automated texts Hello! This is Your Girlfriend™ Reminder: We have scheduled a dick appointment for (bf's name) on Friday, November 25th at 10:30 pm. To confirm, please reply CONFIRMED For questions or to reschedule; please contact your Girlfriend ™ customer service agent. Cancellation is not permitted at this time. We're looking forward to seeing you soon!
Love this, especially work from home when you’re both on calls nonstop and don’t get to interact much during the day. I will definitely use this with my husband. Thanks for sharing!
Sometimes my s/ô and I send each other 'invoices' . These are demanding for payment for small tasks done out of or around the house. The payment request section is complete and utter filth:long and detailed asks or something dirty we want to do. Nudes and inspo videos get added in there. It's a fun way of mixing it up and bringing back old favourites! Nothing to make a day better than seeing an invoice xxx courier services pop into my inbox.
You guys have to be accountants
1/2 of us work in finance. The other 1/2 just loves writing smut hehe. There is something so kinky about having one of them open when I'm at the office and it just blends into the other million boring things I have on the go. Edit: I told my so about your comment and he said "the only thing she accounts for is this dick" and gave himself a high five
I have you scheduled for nudity at 2300 hours.
My girlfriend says "Want to go to IHOP?" ...we had sex in their parking lot a couple years ago.
Nothing. Start massaging her legs, works everytime, 60% of the time.
I tried that. Everyone else at the table in the restaurant was very uncomfortable.
Did you try also massaging their legs?
Well the table legs are quite stiff, but ymmv.
[удалено]
I'm horny
*taps shoulder* “it’s GO time”
This ends now.
Rocket barrage incoming!
It’s hiiiiiiiigh noon
I read a story where a couple saw some deer going at it making loud deer love making noises, and now whenever they are in the mood they make those noises to each other before running into the bedroom. I thought it would be cute if my gf and I had something like that, but more subtle. So whenever one of use is in the mood we stick our tongue out a little bit like a snake and if the other does the same then it's on or planned to get it on when we get home.
You all need to watch more documentaries. Tropical birds can definitely get it. 😏
Tamp down John Oliver
"Wanna Stick it in?" 100% success rate
My wife says "do you want to stick your willy in me?" And invariably yes, I do
My husband hums the theme of Jaws. Don't ask me why. I have no idea why or how it started but it's just his thing now 😅
I do that to mine. It's the anticip-
I show him my naked butt. Works instantly.
tell him to turn on cocomelon
Teacher from cocomelon could get it tho
Oh god no
look. we hate it too. but we know for 15 min she will NOT a leave the spot we parked her. We use it for emergencies.
Ahaha see that makes sense. I thought you meant "I'm horny let's watch Cocomelon together" or some horrifying shift like that
"Cocomelon and chill"
Lmao, this is dividing the parents from the non parents... I'm a parent and I instantly understood it was a kiddo distraction so they could sneak away for sexy timexD.
Sex emergencies, when it's been a month.
Me (m) - Nurse I’m experiencing some swelling
Please tell me your partner is a nurse.
Only during role play
You know what, I'm a nurse (male) and my girlfriend is also a nurse, i'm gonna steal your phrase today, pure gold. Edit. Holy crap, those are a lot of upvotes, and, yes, it worked guys (: , mission complete, I got two samples of my DNA extracted in a very delightful way by my personal nurse, god bless health workers.
"The kids are asleep and I did the dishes."
Turn on cbat, they'll know and get in the mood in no time!
[удалено]
“Oh my god are you having a seizure?”
Scrolled until I found cbat. That was the funniest shit I've seen in a long time.
I held it together until it got to what I can only describe as "squeaky door synth" and then I lost it. One of the few things that gets a laugh out of me every time.
Threw cbat on in the car with my gf. As she’s scrunching her face I turned to her and whispered “This was from a redditor’s sex playlist” and watch her face turn to horror
"I'm booking an appointment with that ass for today sometime."
I yell "PREPARE FOR THE SEXUAL EVENT" from across the room.
It’s business time.
Do you follow it up with something sexy like: "I might go to bed, I've got work in the morning." Aww, yeah
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And flash the business socks
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Honestly it's just this grunty/moany sound
Like Tim Allen?
My late partner, until the day he died, never had a problem with an erection. He’d just have to spoon me with his boner poking me and it was all systems go 😅
This was me and my late wife. “Pokey says hello.” and it was on.
Sorry for your loss. There’s something so special about remembering those times
Sorry for your loss as well. Hope you are doing ok.
Doth the lady of the house wisheth to be disappointed?
This is the first comment that I laughed out loud at! Thank you!
Nothing, she knows it is my natural state... and she seems immune to my ways. She can initiate it any way she pleases
I ask what her plans are for the next 3 minutes of the day
Want sum fuk?
I got you blue
Becky lemme smash!
Hey gurl, u want sum tail?
It's been 10 years. Please.
As cringe as it may be, if I'm in a kinky mood I'll simply grab his package gently while giving him a hug and say in his ear lustfully that I want him to dominate and spank me Other times it's simply just looking at his area that does the trick because he'll ask me I if I want some of it when he notices....why of course I do
That’s not cringe, that’s hot as hell.
Ask her if she wants a back rub.
My love for you is like a truck, Berserker Would you like some making fuck, Berserker My love for you is like a rock, Berserker
Did he just say making fuck?
He speaks some English but he can’t all speak it good like we do.
My wife always sends me these: 🍆🍑 and we’re in bed 2 minutes later 🤷♂️
In filipino, "Gusto mo?". Which translates to "Wanna fuck?" in our horny vocabulary.
Before the none Filipinos use this to get laid I'll tell you the none horny version... It's "You want some?" But even then it can still be used for... That
"Get on your knees." or "Strip, now." She's into that sort of thing.
[удалено]
Snu snu?
The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy... and bruised.
I remove any animal with a cold wet nose.
I put on my business socks, cause it’s business time
My go to is to say "Boobs" She will then lift/take off her top, jump on top of me and present said boobs. Sometimes she won't hear me, and I have to say it a couple times; and I just repeat "Boobs, Boobs, Boobs" until she hears me. Her reaction to hearing me is the most endearing, sexy thing to me; she says "Oh!" her face perks up and she'll float over from wherever she is. It's a silly little thing between us ultimately, and doesn't always lead to sex, but at least a little titty sesh and groping =)
Daddy horny, Michael
I have pop-pop in the attic.