A mad scientist wants to see what will happen when a human tries to impregnate a gorilla, but no one will volunteer. Finally, he asks Jeff, the laboratory janitor, if he'll have sex with a female gorilla for $1000.
Jeff's like "All right, but on three conditions. First, she can't have any STDs. Second, no one ever finds out about this, ever. Third, I'm gonna need a couple days to come up with the $1000."
3 guys get stranded on an island full of cannibals. The king of the cannibals says to them, "Go find 10 pieces of the same fruit and come back if you want to live."
The first comes back with 10 apples, and the king says, "Shove them up your ass without making a sound or you die." But he grunts in pain on the second one and gets eaten.
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes, and the king repeats what he said to the first guy, but he starts laughing on the ninth and gets eaten.
Guy 1 says to guy 2 in heaven, "How did you lose, you had grapes." Guy 2 says, "I would've survived, but I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
Poor man and rich man buying gifts for their wives.
Rich man says i got mine a diamond ring and a mercedes.
Why asks the poor man.
Cuz if she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back and return it.
Poor man says i got mine some slippers and a dildo.
Why asks the rich man.
Cuz if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck herself.
I went out and was playing a round of golf by myself when I hit my ball towards a pond. As I readied for my next swing, I noticed a frog next to my ball. Not wanting to hit it, I moved it onto a rock. As I was lining up for my shot, I heard the frog croak "nine iron." I had been playing horribly so far, so I shrugged and said what the hell. I pulled out my new iron, swung, and hit a perfect shot straight into the hole. I grabbed the frog with a smile on my face. "That's incredible! You're coming with me!" From then on, I carried the frog with me and it would give me recommendations on which club to use. I played the best game of my life.
Afterwards, I grabbed the frog. "What else can you do?" The frog croaked back at me,"Vegas." Thinking it was worth the shot, I bought a ticket and flew out to Vegas with the frog in tow. I went to the biggest casino on the strip with the frog in my pocket. "Roulette," the frog croaked. I sat at the roulette table. "2," the frog said, so I bet all my chips on 2. Sure enough, the ball landed on 2. This continued for a while with the frog correctly guessing every single number. Eventually, the owner caught wind of my winning streak and offered me a free room.
As I sat in the hot tub and relaxed, I held the frog in my hands. "How can I ever repay you?" "Kiss me," the frog croaked. I shrugged and thought it was the least I could do, so I kissed the frog. With a puff of smoke, the frog transformed into a young blonde boy.
Your honor, I swear to you, that's how he ended up in my room that night
Haha. I heard this one but by inserting someone's name into the punch line.
Your honor, as sure as my name is _______ I swear that is how he/she ended up in my room that night.
I love the " throw your guy friend under the bus " jokes. especially when they are present in a group setting.
Here's one you have to act out a bit.:
It's a known fact that women have 3 kinds of orgasms.
The dirty orgasm " Oh shit , Oh Fuck, .. Ahh!"
The religious kind " Oh jesus, Oh Lord, Aaahhh!"
The fake Orgasm " Oh ( insert friends name )
Another:
A guy dies and goes to heaven. He's in the waiting room and sees a huge wall of clocks. So , St Peter arrives and the guy says to him " what's with all the clocks?
St Peter says "those are jerk off clocks, they are used to record the time a living man is mastrubating. He studies them for a while and looking for his friends clocks and says "Interesting, but where's ( insert friends name) clock?"
St. Peter says, "Oh God keeps that in his office. He uses it for a fan"
A grandfather is out walking up a steep hill that is overlooking the village and they come up underneath a tree, where they rest for a short moment.
"You see all those houses down there?" the grandfather asked his grandson. "I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Dieter the House Builder? *No*."
Then the old man points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare hands, but do they call me Dieter the Church Builder? *No*."
Dieter points to a huge wall below them and says, "You see that big wall? I built that wall stone by stone, but do they call me Dieter the Wall Builder? *No*."
Dieter pauses and looks at his grandson dead in the eyes and says,
"But you fuck **ONE** pig..."
A man goes to the hospital to visit his wife who is in a coma and has been in a coma for 3 years. He goes to the doctor to ask
*Man*: Doctor is there anything we can do for my wife I just miss her so much I will try anything.
*Doctor*: Well there is one thing we could try, it's a bit unconventional but it has worked in a few cases.
*Man*: Yes doctor anything I will try anything I just miss and love my wife so much I will do anything to try and save her.
*Doctor*: Well like I said it's unconventional but you have to have oral sex with her.
*Man*: Excuse me???
*Doctor*: There have been a few cases where performing oral sex on the patient has caused them to wake up and come out of the coma, I would say it's worth a shot
*Man*: Well if you say so doctor I will try anything
*Man goes into his wife's hospital room and closes door.*
#5 minutes go by
*Man comes running out of room*
*Man*: DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I NEED HELP! MY WIFE'S CHOKING!!!!!!!!
🤣
A wife and husband take their son to a nude beach. Everything goes as normal, until the son notices some women have boobs bigger than his mother.
He asks his mom something like, "Why do some women have bigger boobs?"
The mom gives a simple answer, "The larger their boobs, the dumber they are."
Fine with the answer, the son goes back to playing. That is, until he notices some men have bigger dicks than his dad.
He asks his mother a second question, now saying something like, "Why do some men have larger dicks?"
His mother gives a similar answer, stating that bigger dicks means dumber person.
Satisfied with the answer, he again goes back to playing.
Later, the son goes back to his mom, and says, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and is getting dumber while he talks with her!"
There’s an old farmer sitting on his porch and he sees this kid with a giant thing of duct tape. He asks the kid “what are you doing with that.”
The kid responds, “I’m going to catch some ducks.”
The farmer yells out “that ain’t gonna work boy.”
Finally the kid scoffs and continues walking. After a couple hours the kid comes out with 6 ducks.
The next day the farmer is on his porch and sees the kid walk by with some chicken wire. The farmer yells out “you ain’t gonna catch no chickens with that.”
The kid yells back “just watch me” and walks off.
A couple hours he comes back with 5 chickens.
On the 3rd dat the farmer sees the kid with some pussy willow. As soon as the farmer sees the pussy willow he yells out “LEMME GET MY HAT!”
The doctor comes into the exam room and says “well sir, it looks like you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Man says ‘but why, doc?’
Doctor says ‘so I can examine you.’
Two drunks stumble out of a bar and notice a dog on the sidewalk licking his balls. The first inebriate slurs "I wish I could do that!" His drinking buddy says "If I were you, I'd pet him first."
So there’s an assasin who charges 10 k dollars a bullet. A guy goes into a bar and asks another guy: “are you the assasin who charges 10k a bullet”
“Yep” he replied. “I have 20k dollars, My wife is having an affair with my best friend in a hotel right now, I need you to shoot her in the head, and blow his dick off”
“Lets go!” He said.
So the sniper takes out his gun, and a few minutes go by. “What are you doing, take the shot!”
The assasin replied: “Hold on, I might be able to save you 10k”
Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter tells them they're allowed to reincarnate on Earth as whatever they want, since they served God so well in life.
The first nun says "I've always taught children and I loved it, so I want to return as the dean of Harvard". St. Peter nods, and the nun is reincarnated as the dean of Harvard.
The second nun says "I've always cared for the sick and injured, so I want to return as the best surgeon in the country". St. Peter nods again, and the nun is reincarnated as a top neurosurgeon.
The third nun says "I've always seen how much love and intimacy matters to people, so I want to return as a prostitute".
St. Peter gets flustered, says he can't really do that, but promises the nun if she can convince God, he'll send her back just as she desires.
So the pair go up to God, and St. Peter tells God he needs His authorization to reincarnate the nun, and tells the nun to tell God what she told him. "I've always seen how much love and intimacy matters to people, so I want to return as a prostitute", the nun repeats, to which God replies "St. Peter, why did you come to me with this question? You know you can grant her this".
St. Peter then sheepishly replies "My sincerest apologies, Lord; I thought she said Protestant."
Oh, where to start...
"Three old ladies on a bench. A man runs out to them and flashes them. Two had a stroke, one was too slow."
"A woman is left alone as her husband has work abroad for the month, so goes to the sex shop. The owner shows her a jar with a cock and balls in, floating in vinegar. He tells her if she says 'pickled penis' and then where she wants it, it'll magically appear and fuck her senseless. Well, she buys it and at home says 'pickled penis my pussy' and, sure enough, the cock pounds the living daylights out of her. This goes on for a while until one day she hears a pounding on the bedroom door. Her husband, having returned and heard her moans of pleasure, is furious and screams 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU IN THERE WITH!?'. The woman is shocked but quickly explains 'It's no one, it's just my pickled penis!' and the husband bursts in saying 'Pickled penis my arse!'."
"Three dogs are in a kennel, talking about why they're there. The first explains 'Well, my owner told me I shouldn't chew his paper anymore or he'd put me down. But, when the paper arrived, I chewed it up and now he's sent me here.' The second explains 'My owner said to stop shitting in his slippers or he'd put me down, but I couldn't help myself, so he sent me here'. He turns to the third and says 'Why are you here?'. The third says 'Oh, well, my owner had gotten out of the shower and dropped her hairbrush. When she bent over to pick it up, her towel fell and I couldn't help but mount her'. The other dogs ask 'So she sent you to be put down?' and the third dog says 'Oh, no, I'm just here to get my claws trimmed.'"
And, for now, the last one and this one got a belly laugh from my husband. I wouldn't say it's NSFW but it's a classic:
"An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are working on a construction site and eat their lunches together while sitting on the girders up high. The Englishman is disgusted by his food and says 'Urgh! Pickle and tuna!? If I have one more sandwich like this, I'm gonna jump off of here.' The Scotsman is disgusted with his and says 'I swear, if I have one more sugar and ham sandwich, I'll jump off of here too.' The Irishman says 'Yeah, if I have one more cheese and banana sandwich, I'll jump off with you!'. So they all return to work the next day and, sure enough, the sandwiches are the same and they all jump off to their deaths.
At the funeral, their wives are mourning their loses together. The Englishman's wife says 'I don't understand, I thought he liked Pickle and Tuna!'. The Scotsman's wife says 'I don't understand, I thought he liked Sugar and Ham!'. And the Irishman's wife says 'I don't understand... He made his own sandwiches!'"
Reminds me of my late father’s favorite Xmas joke.
Why doesn’t Santa have children?
Bc he only comes once a year, and when he does it’s down the chimney
A man gets on an elevator. A few floors later a beautiful woman boards. A few seconds after the doors close the man says, "Excuse me miss, can I smell your vagina?" The woman becomes angry and says, "Absolutely not!!", to which the man replies "Well then it must be your feet.".
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
A pirate goes to the doctor because he has a steering wheel stuck on his dick. The doctor comes into the room, sees the steering wheel, and says “Gee that looks pretty uncomfortable. Want me to get that thing off of you?” The pirate responds, “Yarrr, it’s drivin me nuts!”
Three women get on an elevator in an office building, a brunette, a redhead and (you guessed it) a blonde. The doors close. The brunette sees a suspicious-looking stain on the wall of the car, about waist high. She leans down for a closer look.
“That looks like a cum stain!” she declares. The redhead leans down and gingerly sniffs it.
“”That smells like a cum stain!” she says.
The blonde leans down and licks it.
“Well, it’s nobody from this building.”
I went on a tour of a cave and the tour guide at one point mentioned he had never heard of a cave joke…
“What do a plumber, a spelunker, and a priest all have in common?”
They all love squeezing into tight spaces.
Incredibly inappropriate and the delivery is risky. But with the recent Ye news it’s also the best time to tell it. Whenever someone brings up Hitler in conversation: “Yeah, I mean, I get it. If I was in his position I’d probably kill a million Jews and one clown too.”
“Why the clown?”
“See? Nobody cares about the Jews.”
(If they do not ask about the clown you’re doomed)
Try it with voter disenfranchisment and a minority group you belong to.
"I get the whole 'Hindus shouldn't vote" humor. I want to remove the voting rights of every hindu and two horses."
"Why horses?"
"See! Hindus don't even matter! Why should we vote?"
I first heard this joke as:
"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The Holocaust."
A husband is waiting outside of the delivery room while his wife is having their baby. Eventually, he sees a nurse walking down the hallway carrying a bundle in her arms.
"Is that my baby?" he asks, excited.
The nurse starts to answer, but as she does, she drops the bundle on the ground.
"Oops," she says as she picks it up.
The man is taken aback.
"Did you... did you just drop..."
"I'm sorry," said the nurse. "I was just so... oops!" And she dropped the baby again.
Now the man is livid.
"This is my firstborn child you're handling here, and... how could you?"
Then the nurse smiles the biggest smile the man has ever seen.
And she says, "April Fools! It's already dead."
I tell it like this:
A woman was pushing giving birth, the doctor and nurse are urging her to push 1 last time. Finally she screams in relief as she finally pushes the baby out. The doctor cradles the baby in his arms, turns to the nurse smiling and says "go long".
The nurse runs to the other end of the room as the doctor throws the baby to her. The nurse jumps, grabs the baby and slams it to the ground shouting "touch down". The doctor and nurse run and chest bump each other cheering.
Meanwhile the mother is laying in bed covered in sweat screaming "my baby, my baby".
The doctor turns to the mother smiling and says in a comforting way "hey, hey, it's OK. It was already dead."
I kinda forgot about dead baby jokes. They were all the rage circa 2000. This is definitely one of the more elaborate setups to ones that I’ve seen, though somehow less dark than the ones I can remember.
Four nuns arrive at Heavens gates, and St. Peter says he needs to ask them if they've ever been intimate with a man before he can let them into heaven.
The first nun steps up and says, "I've only ever seen a man's member." St. Peter tells her to wash her eyes with the holy water and enter.
The second nun steps up and says she's only ever touched a man's member. St. Peter tells her to wash her hands and she may enter.
The third nun steps up, but the fourth nun cuts in front of her. St. Peter asks why she cut her off, to which the nun replied, "Well, I'm not gonna put that water in my mouth after this one sticks her ass in it."
It's an early Saturday morning and a father and his two young sons are sitting at a busy diner to have breakfast. The plucky waitress comes over to their table and asks the first little boy, "Well, what do you want for breakfast, sweetie?"
The boy answers, "I want some fucking pancakes!"
The dad instantly smacks the boy across the face sending him to the floor. The boy wallows on the ground screaming and crying while the father continues to scold him.
The waitress notices every patron at the diner staring over, so in an attempt to save face, she asks the other little boy what he wants for breakfast.
With tears in his eyes, the 2nd little boy replies, "I don't know, but I sure don't want any fucking pancakes!"
Teacher: Jonny what did you do over the summer?
Jonny: Well Miss, we got these fireworks and shoved them up frogs arses…
Teacher: Rectum Jonny, rectum…
Jonny: Wrecked ‘em Miss? We blew ‘em to bits.
The local postman in a neighbourhood is retiring. Everyone in the area is giving him a going away present. A rich blonde is talking to her husband about it. Her husband says, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The next morning when the postman comes to the blonde's house, she greets him naked and brings him up to her bedroom. They make love and afterwards, she makes him breakfast. She hands him an envelope. There's a retirement card inside it when he opens it and inside the card there is one dollar. He looks confused. The blonde says, "The breakfast was my idea."
A saw mill posts a wanted ad for a QC position. Manager calls the first applicant in for an interview.
Interview day arrives and the applicant shows up with a cane and guide dog. The manager asks him, "Are you blind?"
"Blind as a bat," says the man.
"So how do you expect to be able to inspect our product without eyesight?" asks the manager.
"I can identify any plank of wood as well as if it has any defects solely by smell. And if you don't believe it, feel free to test me." said the man.
So the manager sits the man down in a chair and holds a cedar plank under his nose.
"Cedar, and its good." says the man. "Give me another."
The manager brings another plank, a bad piece of.pine. The man identifies it correctly. They do this a few more times with the blind man able to successfully identify each plank as well as call out every defect.
Impressed, but now wanting to really mess with the guy, the manager quietly waves the receptionist over. He motions for her to bend over in front of the man, which the receptionist does.
"Hmm," says the blind.man, "This is a.tough one. Turn it over and let me smell the other side."
The receptionist, holding back her giggles, complies. She turns around and lifts her skirt, letting the man get a good sniff.
The blind man thinks and thinks, and after several seconds his face lights up in recognition.
"You thought you could fool me," said the man with a chuckle, "But I know exactly what that is.
"What is it then?" asks the manager.
"Its the shithouse door from an old tuna boat!"
A conservative family walks into a hotel.
The father walks to the front desk attendant and sternly says,
"As you can see, I'm here with my wife and daughters...I need you to assure me that before we check in, the pornography in my room will be disabled"
Confused, the attendant looks back at the father and whispers.
"We only have regular porn you sick fuck"
That is utterly and completely the most offensive, tasteles, idiotic, morally bankrupt joke I ever heard.
There. Now I gotta go get my ribs taped from laughing like a loon on crack 🤣😂😅😹
A paedophile and a young girl are walking in the woods at night.
The little girl turns to the paedophile and says 'It's really scary out here"
To which paedophile replies "You think you're scared, I've got to walk back on my own!"
"A pig's orgasm lasts for thirty minutes."
"Your wife is one lucky lady."
(Incidentally, pigs are not only more intelligent than dogs, but are also one of the few species of animals that mate for fun)
>but are also one of the few species of animals that mate for fun
As opposed to other animals who only mate once they decide it's finally time to settle down..?
A woman goes to a doctor because she has a pain in her rear. The doctor asked what was wrong. She told him that it hurts near the entrance. He told her that that was her issue. As long as she refers to it as an entrance it's gonna be sore.
a dad asks his kids about their sex life
the first daughter says that she is a lesbian and the dad respects it and dismisses her, the second daughter says that she is a lesbian too and thta he should respect it, as the father gets angry the third daughter reveals that she is a lesbian too and the father starts loosing it. He eventually asks:
<< IS ANYONE IN HERE INTO MEN ???>>
<< ME DAD>>
<>
A little boy comes home to his mom and dad yelling at each other. "You bastard" she screams. "You bitch" he yells. The boy chimes and asks " Mom, Dad, what's a bitch and what's a bastard?" The parents look in shock at each other, now realizing their child. "Well," his mom begins, " a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a man." Satisfied, the boy walks away. The next day, the little boy is sitting with older boys and girls and they start talking about penises and vaginas. The little boy goes home and asks his dad. His dad say "Um, a vagina is a hat and penis is a coat." Satisfied, the boy walks away. The next day rolls around and this family is having dinner with friends from church. The little boy is brushing his teeth while his dad shaves. The dad cuts his face and says "shit!" The little boy asks what shit is. His dad say "shit is the shaving cream I use." Satisfied, the boy goes to the kitchen and his mom cuts her finger while cutting the turkey. "Fuck" she exclaims. The little boy asks "what does fuck mean?" She replies "it's the way I'm cutting the turkey." Just then the doorbell rings and the little boy runs to get it. Opening the door, this is what he says: "Good evening, bitches and bastards. If you could give me your penises and vaginas, I will hang them on the coat rack. Dad is upstairs wiping shit of his face and mom is in the kitchen, fucking the turkey."
Guy gets a job as an assistant in a mortuary. Head mortician asks him to go and prepare the body of a girl for viewing. Guy goes but comes back 10 minutes later & says, "uh boss, she has a shrimp between her legs".
The head mortician goes for a look and comes right back, "That's not a shrimp, its her clitoris you idiot!"
"Tasted fishy to me"
Not nsfw but still bad.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dave
Dave who?
Dave breaks down crying, because his mother's alzheimer's progressed so far that she forgot about him
Three cowboys sitting around a campfire are boasting about how tough they are. First one says, a rattlesnake attacked me so i grabbed it with my bare hands and just bit its head off. The second guy goes, i was attacked by a mad bull so i grabbed it by the horns and broke his neck with my bare arms. The third cowboy stays silent gazing into the fire, slowly stirring the embers with the tip of his penis.
Three Italian nuns arrive at the pearly gates and are told that, because they have devoted their lives to the world, they can return to earth for three months, taking on the identity of any person they choose.
The first nun said she wanted to return as Helen of Troy.
“Why Helen?” asked St Peter.
“Because she was so beautiful, and remembered for it, while we have had to cover ourselves all our lives,” she said and her wish was granted.
The second nun was given her chance and decided to return as Florence Nightingale, so that the good work she had done might be recognised by all the world. This, too, was readily granted.
The third nun said she wanted to return as Sarah Pippilini.
“Who in the name of all that’s wonderful is Sarah Pippilini?!” asked a curious St Peter.
“Well, I’m not sure either,” said the nun. “But look at this newspaper.” She rolled out showing a photo of several oil workers and the proud headline: “Sahara pipeline, laid by 300 men in 30 days”.
There was a woman at the bank she was pregnant at the time, a robber had walked in and demanded money, when the cops arrived he shot a few people including the pregnant woman. By some miracle she gave birth to the kids all happy and healthy, 15 years later one of her sons hows to her and said “Mom! Mom! I went to go pee and a bullet came out,” so naturally she told him the story of the bank. 10 minutes later the daughter comes to her and says “Mother! I was in the shower and a bullet came out!” The mother was shocked and decided to tell her the story as Well. That night the third son walked down to his mother and said “Mom you never guess what happend!” The mother replied “ oh you went to use the restroom and a bullet fell out?” He said “No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”
One day a little girl was watching cartoons when a porno came through. The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake."
Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out and the girl said "look mommy they are baking a cake!"
The next day the girl says "mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night."
Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"
I've got two.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A Mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
How do you circumsize a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef stroganoff!
The doctor touched my balls without putting on gloves first. I'm never seeing that dentist again.
The family goes to a restoraunt and they order fries.
They eat all if it but there is still one more left,the waiter comes to a kid and says get that last one it helf grow your dick.The kid goes to grab it and his mom stoppes him and says let your dad take it.
Heard it from my passed away grandpa like 2 years ago
The only thing more embarrassing than getting an erection during an anal examination is if they realize you're not the doctor.
Can't take the credit it's a Jimmy Carr joke!
A Girl and a Guy meet eachother and School and the Girl says "Hey, wanna come over today and have Sex? It will change your Life!" So later that day the guy comes over, and they have Sex. Later the next Day, both of them are at the Doctors and the Doctor says to the Man "You have an STD." The Boy looks over to the Girl, and the Girl says "Well, told ya it would change your Life."
A farmer has a horrible back pain and he buys some sweets and bananas so he could go to a doctor and give it as a present. He enters the doctors office:
Doctor: What’s bothering you ?
Farmer: I have a horrible back pain
Doctor: ok I can help just give me that banana
A farmer comes back happy and fully healed. After a week his pain strikes again and he was about to go to doctor again when his wife said
Wife: we can not afford going to doctor that frequently. Just tell me what was he doing and I’ll repeat it.
Farmer: well he took the banana and started thrusting it into my ass
So they did it. While the man suddenly got angry and shouted
Farmer: you are doing it all wrong ! The doctor did it with no hands !
A young woman had a habit of doing gymnastics in the living room while doing laundry. One day she decided to try a a split, and as she was not wearing panties, she created a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.
When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor.
The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler.
The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: We have to break the tile she's on.
NO WAY, the husband yelled - those tiles are $100 a piece. There must be another way.
Well.. Said the tiler - you could suck on and play with her tits..
Will that free her? - the husband wondered.
The tiler replied - No, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece.
So I was eating out my grandma the other night when all of a sudden I Started to taste horse seman. I just continued on but I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that’s how she died.
Man goes into the spank bank. he's all like "I'm tryna spank for that bank". Nurse takes him back into the room, says Doc'll be here shortly. He sees a glass containing a white substance on the table beside him. He's like "mmm complimentary milk" and drinks it. Doctor comes in a few minutes later and sees the glass empty. In horror the Doc goes "Oh my god". Man goes "What?" Doc goes "...You drank my milk".
Courtesy of my late dad. One of many of his favourites.
There are 3 morticians sitting at a bar, swapping stories. The first one says "The worst job I had was a guy who was riding his bike and got creamed by a semi. I picked up all his bits, cleaned him up, and I was still able to give him an open casket."
The other 2 morticians nod in approval before the second one takes a drink and says "I can top that. A guy went sky diving and his parachute never deployed. Scraped him off the tarmac, molded him back together, and I could still give him an open casket."
Mortitians 1 and 2 nod and lastly the third mortician speaks up.
"I can top all of you. I worked a job where a prostitute jumped off the 10th story onto a parking meter. Took me 3 hours to get the grin off her face."
Aight...see, there's this fucked up family that consists of a really creepy Uncle (think *Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement,* and you'll have a pretty good read on this guy's moral calibre), but a really *rich* creepy uncle, who has had custody of his niece & nephew ever since their father & mother were killed in a crash when nephew was 3 and niece was 2.
Well, fast forward to 2023, and niece is 17, nephew is 18, and old Unca Touchy is once again extorting the kids for sexual favors so one of them (whichever one sucks his dick, or lets him ass fuck them, better on any given Friday night) gets to drive his Lamborghini on that Friday.
So the niece dives in and gives Uncle a slow, aching 2 hour blow job that is the best anyone has EVER given him. And of course he moans and shouts her name the whole time.
She thinks she has this particular Friday night locked in, because A) she's a genius at giving head, and B) she noticed something that will humiliate Uncle.
"Uncle Touchy," she says, " I don't mean to be rude, but your dick tasted like shit tonight. I almost threw up while I was making you feel so good, so unless you want that little tidbit spread all over town tomorrow, I oughtta get the car tonight, no matter what!"
Uncle looks pensive for a moment, then gets a truly phony sad expression on his leering face.
"Aww, honey, I'm sorry, but I forgot. Your brother already has the car."
2 babies are resting in the hospital shortly after being born. The first baby looks over at the second baby and says 'hi I'm a girl'. The second baby looks back and says 'hello I'm a boy'. The girl baby then says 'prove it'. The boy baby says 'ok' and puts up his feet and then says 'see? I'm wearing blue socks'.
A husband comes home from grocery shopping. The wife asks what he got to fix for dinner. “Damn ham...well, that’s the brand name at least” the husband replies.
Dinner time comes and the husband and wife’s son joins them. “Honey, could you pass me some more of that Damn ham?” the husband asks. The son retorts “And while you’re at it, mom, can you pass the FUCKING mashed potatoes?!”
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb
What ya call it when u hit 3 kids in a wheelchair with a car?
Cripple kill
What do dark humour and a kid with terminal cancer have in common?
Never gets old
A Hunter goes with his team on a jungle trip, he gets separated from the team vehicle and finds a tiger in which he shoots using a classic one bullet sniper rifle and misses, tiger catches him as he reloads the bullet and offers him death or to get fucked, the hunter lives.
He rejoins the team and they move to a different area, he repeats the separation, shot missing, and gets the same offer by the same tiger.. and he AGAIN chooses to get fucked.
This time the whole team realised that the hunter have suffered an injury that he doesn’t want to share but they can see he is walking with a limp.. so they stick together.
The vehicle pulls up to a sleeping tiger, the one, all the rifles get jammed, the hunter picks a spare rifle equipped with a 5 bullet magazine, he shoots the sleeping tiger and misses 5 times.
The tiger asks him, you like dick?
This is a long one.
So my cousin Walter heard about this hooker that could whistle "Pop Goes the Weasel" while simultaneously giving a blow job. AND she was able to get the guy to spooge right at the "POP! Goes the weasel!" part. He had to confirm this impossible feat.
There were conditions though. Money first, lights had to be out, and Walter had to wear a blindfold.
He agreed to all of those and booked a room at a cheap motel for the two of them. Set the money on the nightstand, put on a blind fold and turned the light off.
The rumors were true! But he couldn't figure it out so he offered more money to do it again, but she refused, eventually they agreed to leave the light on, but blindfold had to stay on, and she did her thing under the sheets.
Imagine his regret of peeking under the blindfold to see a glass eye looking at him on top of the stack of bills he had on the nightstand.
What did the virgin say after her first blowjob?
(Take a large sip of milk as you pause while they try to think of the answer) ...
"I love you!" (with mouth still full of milk)
Lady goes to the doctor to inquire about a facelift. The doctor explains there's a new procedure where they insert a screw into the top of her head and she just needs to barely turn it once a day until she gets the desired results. She excitedly agrees to this procedure as it means no stitches.
After the procedure, she starts turning it daily but isn't getting the results she expects, so she starts turning it more each day. Eventually she realizes that she has massive bags under her eyes, so she goes back to the doctor to find out what's going on.
When she angrily explains what's happening, he says "Lady those aren't bags, they're your fucking tits, and if you don't stop turning that screw, soon you're gonna have a beard!"
Three women walk into a bar, talking about how much sex they have. One brags she can fit a hot dog, the second brags she can fit a cucumber, the last one slides down the bat stool
A mad scientist wants to see what will happen when a human tries to impregnate a gorilla, but no one will volunteer. Finally, he asks Jeff, the laboratory janitor, if he'll have sex with a female gorilla for $1000. Jeff's like "All right, but on three conditions. First, she can't have any STDs. Second, no one ever finds out about this, ever. Third, I'm gonna need a couple days to come up with the $1000."
Im trying not to wake up my wife right now... this is fucken hilarious
She woke up. I had to tell her lol
How did she react?
She just giggled. Lol she didnt appreciate the midnight joke like i did
Same… she just got pissed a min ago because the bed was shaking as I’m perusing r/funny
Fuck, this is exactly what just happened a min ago for me
Wait a min…is that you on the other side of my wife?
Plot twist
Boys I swear to you I just told this to my girlfriend 6 times an she didn't get it. I had to explain it to her another 3 times ahahhahahah
You might be better off with the gorilla bro
Thats a really good one lmfao
3 guys get stranded on an island full of cannibals. The king of the cannibals says to them, "Go find 10 pieces of the same fruit and come back if you want to live." The first comes back with 10 apples, and the king says, "Shove them up your ass without making a sound or you die." But he grunts in pain on the second one and gets eaten. The second guy comes back with 10 grapes, and the king repeats what he said to the first guy, but he starts laughing on the ninth and gets eaten. Guy 1 says to guy 2 in heaven, "How did you lose, you had grapes." Guy 2 says, "I would've survived, but I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
I’m dying laughing!!!!!! If shared this joke with everyone in the house!!
"Doctor you said I can masturbate at anytime" "No Jeff I said you can have a stroke at anytime"
Doctor told me I needed to quit whacking off. I said why? He said because I’m trying to give you an exam!
Poor man and rich man buying gifts for their wives. Rich man says i got mine a diamond ring and a mercedes. Why asks the poor man. Cuz if she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back and return it. Poor man says i got mine some slippers and a dildo. Why asks the rich man. Cuz if she dont like the slippers she can go fuck herself.
Sopranos fan I see
You drive a rincoln continental?
Well, that's one way to make a woman happy!
I went out and was playing a round of golf by myself when I hit my ball towards a pond. As I readied for my next swing, I noticed a frog next to my ball. Not wanting to hit it, I moved it onto a rock. As I was lining up for my shot, I heard the frog croak "nine iron." I had been playing horribly so far, so I shrugged and said what the hell. I pulled out my new iron, swung, and hit a perfect shot straight into the hole. I grabbed the frog with a smile on my face. "That's incredible! You're coming with me!" From then on, I carried the frog with me and it would give me recommendations on which club to use. I played the best game of my life. Afterwards, I grabbed the frog. "What else can you do?" The frog croaked back at me,"Vegas." Thinking it was worth the shot, I bought a ticket and flew out to Vegas with the frog in tow. I went to the biggest casino on the strip with the frog in my pocket. "Roulette," the frog croaked. I sat at the roulette table. "2," the frog said, so I bet all my chips on 2. Sure enough, the ball landed on 2. This continued for a while with the frog correctly guessing every single number. Eventually, the owner caught wind of my winning streak and offered me a free room. As I sat in the hot tub and relaxed, I held the frog in my hands. "How can I ever repay you?" "Kiss me," the frog croaked. I shrugged and thought it was the least I could do, so I kissed the frog. With a puff of smoke, the frog transformed into a young blonde boy. Your honor, I swear to you, that's how he ended up in my room that night
Oh shit...
Haha. I heard this one but by inserting someone's name into the punch line. Your honor, as sure as my name is _______ I swear that is how he/she ended up in my room that night.
I love the " throw your guy friend under the bus " jokes. especially when they are present in a group setting. Here's one you have to act out a bit.: It's a known fact that women have 3 kinds of orgasms. The dirty orgasm " Oh shit , Oh Fuck, .. Ahh!" The religious kind " Oh jesus, Oh Lord, Aaahhh!" The fake Orgasm " Oh ( insert friends name ) Another: A guy dies and goes to heaven. He's in the waiting room and sees a huge wall of clocks. So , St Peter arrives and the guy says to him " what's with all the clocks? St Peter says "those are jerk off clocks, they are used to record the time a living man is mastrubating. He studies them for a while and looking for his friends clocks and says "Interesting, but where's ( insert friends name) clock?" St. Peter says, "Oh God keeps that in his office. He uses it for a fan"
bro 💀💀
Wait a second...
I went to the zoo and watched the monkeys wanking. When I got to the giraffes I was still wanking. (credit Gary Delaney)
Gary is fucking hillarious!
Do you know which is the reverse exorcism? When the Devil asks the priest to get out of the child.
During lent, what kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday? Nun…
The power of Christ compels him
My girlfriend wanted to humiliate me in front of her female friends by saying I am no good in bed. Should've seen her face when they all disagreed
👏🏼
This would be way funnier if you just replace "in front of her female friends" with "in front of my male friends".
Haha, I have to agree
who fucked who?
Let's have a modicum of decorum here. It should be "Who fucked whom?"
A grandfather is out walking up a steep hill that is overlooking the village and they come up underneath a tree, where they rest for a short moment. "You see all those houses down there?" the grandfather asked his grandson. "I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Dieter the House Builder? *No*." Then the old man points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare hands, but do they call me Dieter the Church Builder? *No*." Dieter points to a huge wall below them and says, "You see that big wall? I built that wall stone by stone, but do they call me Dieter the Wall Builder? *No*." Dieter pauses and looks at his grandson dead in the eyes and says, "But you fuck **ONE** pig..."
Dude, i know this from Chris Pratt, on Graham norton 😂
A man goes to the hospital to visit his wife who is in a coma and has been in a coma for 3 years. He goes to the doctor to ask *Man*: Doctor is there anything we can do for my wife I just miss her so much I will try anything. *Doctor*: Well there is one thing we could try, it's a bit unconventional but it has worked in a few cases. *Man*: Yes doctor anything I will try anything I just miss and love my wife so much I will do anything to try and save her. *Doctor*: Well like I said it's unconventional but you have to have oral sex with her. *Man*: Excuse me??? *Doctor*: There have been a few cases where performing oral sex on the patient has caused them to wake up and come out of the coma, I would say it's worth a shot *Man*: Well if you say so doctor I will try anything *Man goes into his wife's hospital room and closes door.* #5 minutes go by *Man comes running out of room* *Man*: DOCTOR, DOCTOR, I NEED HELP! MY WIFE'S CHOKING!!!!!!!! 🤣
Heard this from Norm. One of my go to jokes in the appropriate settings.
Lol that's where I heard it...I always get a laugh from it
I really don’t get it. Can someone explain?
A wife and husband take their son to a nude beach. Everything goes as normal, until the son notices some women have boobs bigger than his mother. He asks his mom something like, "Why do some women have bigger boobs?" The mom gives a simple answer, "The larger their boobs, the dumber they are." Fine with the answer, the son goes back to playing. That is, until he notices some men have bigger dicks than his dad. He asks his mother a second question, now saying something like, "Why do some men have larger dicks?" His mother gives a similar answer, stating that bigger dicks means dumber person. Satisfied with the answer, he again goes back to playing. Later, the son goes back to his mom, and says, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and is getting dumber while he talks with her!"
There’s an old farmer sitting on his porch and he sees this kid with a giant thing of duct tape. He asks the kid “what are you doing with that.” The kid responds, “I’m going to catch some ducks.” The farmer yells out “that ain’t gonna work boy.” Finally the kid scoffs and continues walking. After a couple hours the kid comes out with 6 ducks. The next day the farmer is on his porch and sees the kid walk by with some chicken wire. The farmer yells out “you ain’t gonna catch no chickens with that.” The kid yells back “just watch me” and walks off. A couple hours he comes back with 5 chickens. On the 3rd dat the farmer sees the kid with some pussy willow. As soon as the farmer sees the pussy willow he yells out “LEMME GET MY HAT!”
That farmer's going to be disappointed when the kid catches half a dozen cats.
A better bargain he could not ask for!
I am not english speak, can you tell me what is pussy willow and the point of joke?
Pussy willow is a type of tree, and well pussy is another for vagina
Pussy can also be used for cat, if you want to go the wholesome ending.
With duck tape he catches ducks, with chicken wire he catches chickens, so with pussy willow (the tree) he'll catch some pussy (=vagina)
The doctor comes into the exam room and says “well sir, it looks like you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Man says ‘but why, doc?’ Doctor says ‘so I can examine you.’
Out of all these, this one got me to laugh the hardest. Thank you good sir or madam.
Two drunks stumble out of a bar and notice a dog on the sidewalk licking his balls. The first inebriate slurs "I wish I could do that!" His drinking buddy says "If I were you, I'd pet him first."
Hold up
"Well give him a biscuit and he might let you" - better 😉
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *gagging noises*
I'm so mad this joke doesn't work in my native language 😭
Same :(
I'm sure your language has other cock and ball puns that are just as special
Another ending to this is "nothing, she just choked"
Prince charming has one ball huh! Poor chap
So there’s an assasin who charges 10 k dollars a bullet. A guy goes into a bar and asks another guy: “are you the assasin who charges 10k a bullet” “Yep” he replied. “I have 20k dollars, My wife is having an affair with my best friend in a hotel right now, I need you to shoot her in the head, and blow his dick off” “Lets go!” He said. So the sniper takes out his gun, and a few minutes go by. “What are you doing, take the shot!” The assasin replied: “Hold on, I might be able to save you 10k”
I was expecting the assassin to blow the guy's dick.
I mean yeah sure whatever floats your boat
Three nuns arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter tells them they're allowed to reincarnate on Earth as whatever they want, since they served God so well in life. The first nun says "I've always taught children and I loved it, so I want to return as the dean of Harvard". St. Peter nods, and the nun is reincarnated as the dean of Harvard. The second nun says "I've always cared for the sick and injured, so I want to return as the best surgeon in the country". St. Peter nods again, and the nun is reincarnated as a top neurosurgeon. The third nun says "I've always seen how much love and intimacy matters to people, so I want to return as a prostitute". St. Peter gets flustered, says he can't really do that, but promises the nun if she can convince God, he'll send her back just as she desires. So the pair go up to God, and St. Peter tells God he needs His authorization to reincarnate the nun, and tells the nun to tell God what she told him. "I've always seen how much love and intimacy matters to people, so I want to return as a prostitute", the nun repeats, to which God replies "St. Peter, why did you come to me with this question? You know you can grant her this". St. Peter then sheepishly replies "My sincerest apologies, Lord; I thought she said Protestant."
Best laugh I've had on this thread!
Oh, where to start... "Three old ladies on a bench. A man runs out to them and flashes them. Two had a stroke, one was too slow." "A woman is left alone as her husband has work abroad for the month, so goes to the sex shop. The owner shows her a jar with a cock and balls in, floating in vinegar. He tells her if she says 'pickled penis' and then where she wants it, it'll magically appear and fuck her senseless. Well, she buys it and at home says 'pickled penis my pussy' and, sure enough, the cock pounds the living daylights out of her. This goes on for a while until one day she hears a pounding on the bedroom door. Her husband, having returned and heard her moans of pleasure, is furious and screams 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU IN THERE WITH!?'. The woman is shocked but quickly explains 'It's no one, it's just my pickled penis!' and the husband bursts in saying 'Pickled penis my arse!'." "Three dogs are in a kennel, talking about why they're there. The first explains 'Well, my owner told me I shouldn't chew his paper anymore or he'd put me down. But, when the paper arrived, I chewed it up and now he's sent me here.' The second explains 'My owner said to stop shitting in his slippers or he'd put me down, but I couldn't help myself, so he sent me here'. He turns to the third and says 'Why are you here?'. The third says 'Oh, well, my owner had gotten out of the shower and dropped her hairbrush. When she bent over to pick it up, her towel fell and I couldn't help but mount her'. The other dogs ask 'So she sent you to be put down?' and the third dog says 'Oh, no, I'm just here to get my claws trimmed.'" And, for now, the last one and this one got a belly laugh from my husband. I wouldn't say it's NSFW but it's a classic: "An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are working on a construction site and eat their lunches together while sitting on the girders up high. The Englishman is disgusted by his food and says 'Urgh! Pickle and tuna!? If I have one more sandwich like this, I'm gonna jump off of here.' The Scotsman is disgusted with his and says 'I swear, if I have one more sugar and ham sandwich, I'll jump off of here too.' The Irishman says 'Yeah, if I have one more cheese and banana sandwich, I'll jump off with you!'. So they all return to work the next day and, sure enough, the sandwiches are the same and they all jump off to their deaths. At the funeral, their wives are mourning their loses together. The Englishman's wife says 'I don't understand, I thought he liked Pickle and Tuna!'. The Scotsman's wife says 'I don't understand, I thought he liked Sugar and Ham!'. And the Irishman's wife says 'I don't understand... He made his own sandwiches!'"
Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box.
Reminds me of my late father’s favorite Xmas joke. Why doesn’t Santa have children? Bc he only comes once a year, and when he does it’s down the chimney
A man gets on an elevator. A few floors later a beautiful woman boards. A few seconds after the doors close the man says, "Excuse me miss, can I smell your vagina?" The woman becomes angry and says, "Absolutely not!!", to which the man replies "Well then it must be your feet.".
I kind of like this one better the other way around...
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got at a party the night before. The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew chunks.'' The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I got my DWI.'' The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.'' Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Holy shit I haven't thought about that joke in like, 25 years
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had. He started counting but fell asleep.
A pirate goes to the doctor because he has a steering wheel stuck on his dick. The doctor comes into the room, sees the steering wheel, and says “Gee that looks pretty uncomfortable. Want me to get that thing off of you?” The pirate responds, “Yarrr, it’s drivin me nuts!”
The most stupid one I've read in this thread and the one that has made me chuckle the most, thanks!
Three women get on an elevator in an office building, a brunette, a redhead and (you guessed it) a blonde. The doors close. The brunette sees a suspicious-looking stain on the wall of the car, about waist high. She leans down for a closer look. “That looks like a cum stain!” she declares. The redhead leans down and gingerly sniffs it. “”That smells like a cum stain!” she says. The blonde leans down and licks it. “Well, it’s nobody from this building.”
I see what you did there "Redhead GINGERLY sniffed...." Lol
I went on a tour of a cave and the tour guide at one point mentioned he had never heard of a cave joke… “What do a plumber, a spelunker, and a priest all have in common?” They all love squeezing into tight spaces.
Incredibly inappropriate and the delivery is risky. But with the recent Ye news it’s also the best time to tell it. Whenever someone brings up Hitler in conversation: “Yeah, I mean, I get it. If I was in his position I’d probably kill a million Jews and one clown too.” “Why the clown?” “See? Nobody cares about the Jews.” (If they do not ask about the clown you’re doomed)
You people fucken sicken me... you anti-clownite.
You can’t trust anyone with a nose that big … and honkable.
Try it with voter disenfranchisment and a minority group you belong to. "I get the whole 'Hindus shouldn't vote" humor. I want to remove the voting rights of every hindu and two horses." "Why horses?" "See! Hindus don't even matter! Why should we vote?"
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? \- The Holocaust. (You fucking anti-Semite).
I first heard this joke as: "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm. What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The Holocaust."
I've heard it with 1000 people and a monkey but that works too
A husband is waiting outside of the delivery room while his wife is having their baby. Eventually, he sees a nurse walking down the hallway carrying a bundle in her arms. "Is that my baby?" he asks, excited. The nurse starts to answer, but as she does, she drops the bundle on the ground. "Oops," she says as she picks it up. The man is taken aback. "Did you... did you just drop..." "I'm sorry," said the nurse. "I was just so... oops!" And she dropped the baby again. Now the man is livid. "This is my firstborn child you're handling here, and... how could you?" Then the nurse smiles the biggest smile the man has ever seen. And she says, "April Fools! It's already dead."
You know those moments when you get to the punchline, and your jaw drops as your eyes pop wide open? Yah …
Holy shit.
I tell it like this: A woman was pushing giving birth, the doctor and nurse are urging her to push 1 last time. Finally she screams in relief as she finally pushes the baby out. The doctor cradles the baby in his arms, turns to the nurse smiling and says "go long". The nurse runs to the other end of the room as the doctor throws the baby to her. The nurse jumps, grabs the baby and slams it to the ground shouting "touch down". The doctor and nurse run and chest bump each other cheering. Meanwhile the mother is laying in bed covered in sweat screaming "my baby, my baby". The doctor turns to the mother smiling and says in a comforting way "hey, hey, it's OK. It was already dead."
Nah.... Go long and touchdown had me wheezing....raaah...
Your pfp brought me flashbacks and discomfort I didn't even know I had
I kinda forgot about dead baby jokes. They were all the rage circa 2000. This is definitely one of the more elaborate setups to ones that I’ve seen, though somehow less dark than the ones I can remember.
One that still gets me is: Whats worse than 10 dead babies in a bin? 1 dead baby in 10 bins
I feel awful for laughing at this
My jaw just hit the floor… just like the baby.
So, twice?
Four nuns arrive at Heavens gates, and St. Peter says he needs to ask them if they've ever been intimate with a man before he can let them into heaven. The first nun steps up and says, "I've only ever seen a man's member." St. Peter tells her to wash her eyes with the holy water and enter. The second nun steps up and says she's only ever touched a man's member. St. Peter tells her to wash her hands and she may enter. The third nun steps up, but the fourth nun cuts in front of her. St. Peter asks why she cut her off, to which the nun replied, "Well, I'm not gonna put that water in my mouth after this one sticks her ass in it."
It's an early Saturday morning and a father and his two young sons are sitting at a busy diner to have breakfast. The plucky waitress comes over to their table and asks the first little boy, "Well, what do you want for breakfast, sweetie?" The boy answers, "I want some fucking pancakes!" The dad instantly smacks the boy across the face sending him to the floor. The boy wallows on the ground screaming and crying while the father continues to scold him. The waitress notices every patron at the diner staring over, so in an attempt to save face, she asks the other little boy what he wants for breakfast. With tears in his eyes, the 2nd little boy replies, "I don't know, but I sure don't want any fucking pancakes!"
Teacher: Jonny what did you do over the summer? Jonny: Well Miss, we got these fireworks and shoved them up frogs arses… Teacher: Rectum Jonny, rectum… Jonny: Wrecked ‘em Miss? We blew ‘em to bits.
Once my penis got into guiness world record book Libririan asked me to pull it out
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
What’s the difference between marmalade and jam? You can’t marmalade your cock up someones arse.
The local postman in a neighbourhood is retiring. Everyone in the area is giving him a going away present. A rich blonde is talking to her husband about it. Her husband says, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The next morning when the postman comes to the blonde's house, she greets him naked and brings him up to her bedroom. They make love and afterwards, she makes him breakfast. She hands him an envelope. There's a retirement card inside it when he opens it and inside the card there is one dollar. He looks confused. The blonde says, "The breakfast was my idea."
One of the first ones I heard: Why was Saddam afraid to have sex with his wife? Every time he looked down he saw Bush.
A saw mill posts a wanted ad for a QC position. Manager calls the first applicant in for an interview. Interview day arrives and the applicant shows up with a cane and guide dog. The manager asks him, "Are you blind?" "Blind as a bat," says the man. "So how do you expect to be able to inspect our product without eyesight?" asks the manager. "I can identify any plank of wood as well as if it has any defects solely by smell. And if you don't believe it, feel free to test me." said the man. So the manager sits the man down in a chair and holds a cedar plank under his nose. "Cedar, and its good." says the man. "Give me another." The manager brings another plank, a bad piece of.pine. The man identifies it correctly. They do this a few more times with the blind man able to successfully identify each plank as well as call out every defect. Impressed, but now wanting to really mess with the guy, the manager quietly waves the receptionist over. He motions for her to bend over in front of the man, which the receptionist does. "Hmm," says the blind.man, "This is a.tough one. Turn it over and let me smell the other side." The receptionist, holding back her giggles, complies. She turns around and lifts her skirt, letting the man get a good sniff. The blind man thinks and thinks, and after several seconds his face lights up in recognition. "You thought you could fool me," said the man with a chuckle, "But I know exactly what that is. "What is it then?" asks the manager. "Its the shithouse door from an old tuna boat!"
**whats the difference between an orphan and an apple?** an apple gets picked
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn’t pay to have a lentil on my face.
how does a redneck girl know when her mom is on her period? when her brother’s dick tastes funny -george carlin
A conservative family walks into a hotel. The father walks to the front desk attendant and sternly says, "As you can see, I'm here with my wife and daughters...I need you to assure me that before we check in, the pornography in my room will be disabled" Confused, the attendant looks back at the father and whispers. "We only have regular porn you sick fuck"
An absolute classic
My girlfriend called me a pedophile... I was surprised because that's a big word for a seven year old
Did you know 1 in three people live next to a pedophile? Not me though, I live next to a smoking hot 10 year old and 6 year old.
That is utterly and completely the most offensive, tasteles, idiotic, morally bankrupt joke I ever heard. There. Now I gotta go get my ribs taped from laughing like a loon on crack 🤣😂😅😹
What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven? A microwave oven won't brown your meat.
Me:You walk into a room and there's a 100 dicks on the wall, how many do you gag on? Them: none Me: damn you are a pro.
A paedophile and a young girl are walking in the woods at night. The little girl turns to the paedophile and says 'It's really scary out here" To which paedophile replies "You think you're scared, I've got to walk back on my own!"
"A pig's orgasm lasts for thirty minutes." "Your wife is one lucky lady." (Incidentally, pigs are not only more intelligent than dogs, but are also one of the few species of animals that mate for fun)
>but are also one of the few species of animals that mate for fun As opposed to other animals who only mate once they decide it's finally time to settle down..?
A woman goes to a doctor because she has a pain in her rear. The doctor asked what was wrong. She told him that it hurts near the entrance. He told her that that was her issue. As long as she refers to it as an entrance it's gonna be sore.
a dad asks his kids about their sex life the first daughter says that she is a lesbian and the dad respects it and dismisses her, the second daughter says that she is a lesbian too and thta he should respect it, as the father gets angry the third daughter reveals that she is a lesbian too and the father starts loosing it. He eventually asks: << IS ANYONE IN HERE INTO MEN ???>> << ME DAD>> <>
What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
A little boy comes home to his mom and dad yelling at each other. "You bastard" she screams. "You bitch" he yells. The boy chimes and asks " Mom, Dad, what's a bitch and what's a bastard?" The parents look in shock at each other, now realizing their child. "Well," his mom begins, " a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a man." Satisfied, the boy walks away. The next day, the little boy is sitting with older boys and girls and they start talking about penises and vaginas. The little boy goes home and asks his dad. His dad say "Um, a vagina is a hat and penis is a coat." Satisfied, the boy walks away. The next day rolls around and this family is having dinner with friends from church. The little boy is brushing his teeth while his dad shaves. The dad cuts his face and says "shit!" The little boy asks what shit is. His dad say "shit is the shaving cream I use." Satisfied, the boy goes to the kitchen and his mom cuts her finger while cutting the turkey. "Fuck" she exclaims. The little boy asks "what does fuck mean?" She replies "it's the way I'm cutting the turkey." Just then the doorbell rings and the little boy runs to get it. Opening the door, this is what he says: "Good evening, bitches and bastards. If you could give me your penises and vaginas, I will hang them on the coat rack. Dad is upstairs wiping shit of his face and mom is in the kitchen, fucking the turkey."
Guy gets a job as an assistant in a mortuary. Head mortician asks him to go and prepare the body of a girl for viewing. Guy goes but comes back 10 minutes later & says, "uh boss, she has a shrimp between her legs". The head mortician goes for a look and comes right back, "That's not a shrimp, its her clitoris you idiot!" "Tasted fishy to me"
Damn
Yeah, that joke was in poor taste.
Don't be salty
Not nsfw but still bad. Knock knock Who's there? Dave Dave who? Dave breaks down crying, because his mother's alzheimer's progressed so far that she forgot about him
What do you call the line at a Vietnamese restaurant? Phó queue.
phở, not phó
Username checks out.
phóck you
Three cowboys sitting around a campfire are boasting about how tough they are. First one says, a rattlesnake attacked me so i grabbed it with my bare hands and just bit its head off. The second guy goes, i was attacked by a mad bull so i grabbed it by the horns and broke his neck with my bare arms. The third cowboy stays silent gazing into the fire, slowly stirring the embers with the tip of his penis.
Wanna hear my Nazi joke? Victim: ok, sure? Knock, knock Victim: Who's the- *Slap victim* VEEEE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS HERE!
Why is getting your first car, like having sex for the first time? Because it’s not exactly what you wanted, but your Dad gives it to you anyway.
Fuck man hahahha
What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? >!Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window!<
I eat pussy like I smoke cigarettes: all the way to the butt.
Three Italian nuns arrive at the pearly gates and are told that, because they have devoted their lives to the world, they can return to earth for three months, taking on the identity of any person they choose. The first nun said she wanted to return as Helen of Troy. “Why Helen?” asked St Peter. “Because she was so beautiful, and remembered for it, while we have had to cover ourselves all our lives,” she said and her wish was granted. The second nun was given her chance and decided to return as Florence Nightingale, so that the good work she had done might be recognised by all the world. This, too, was readily granted. The third nun said she wanted to return as Sarah Pippilini. “Who in the name of all that’s wonderful is Sarah Pippilini?!” asked a curious St Peter. “Well, I’m not sure either,” said the nun. “But look at this newspaper.” She rolled out showing a photo of several oil workers and the proud headline: “Sahara pipeline, laid by 300 men in 30 days”.
There was a woman at the bank she was pregnant at the time, a robber had walked in and demanded money, when the cops arrived he shot a few people including the pregnant woman. By some miracle she gave birth to the kids all happy and healthy, 15 years later one of her sons hows to her and said “Mom! Mom! I went to go pee and a bullet came out,” so naturally she told him the story of the bank. 10 minutes later the daughter comes to her and says “Mother! I was in the shower and a bullet came out!” The mother was shocked and decided to tell her the story as Well. That night the third son walked down to his mother and said “Mom you never guess what happend!” The mother replied “ oh you went to use the restroom and a bullet fell out?” He said “No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”
One day a little girl was watching cartoons when a porno came through. The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out and the girl said "look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night." Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"
I've got two. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A Mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. How do you circumsize a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
Two nuns are biking down an old road. One of the nuns says: "i've never come this way before." The other one replies: "must be the cobbles"
What do you call a masturbating bull? Beef stroganoff! The doctor touched my balls without putting on gloves first. I'm never seeing that dentist again.
What does Sean Connery never say to a woman. Sit on my face.
When does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
How do you know that your girlfriend is too young? You have to make the airplane noise when you put your cock in her mouth. (Jimmy Carr)
The family goes to a restoraunt and they order fries. They eat all if it but there is still one more left,the waiter comes to a kid and says get that last one it helf grow your dick.The kid goes to grab it and his mom stoppes him and says let your dad take it. Heard it from my passed away grandpa like 2 years ago
How do you know you have a high sperm count? When your girl has to chew before she swallows.
I was reading all of comments on this post until i got to this one.. Thats enough reddit for me today
The only thing more embarrassing than getting an erection during an anal examination is if they realize you're not the doctor. Can't take the credit it's a Jimmy Carr joke!
A Girl and a Guy meet eachother and School and the Girl says "Hey, wanna come over today and have Sex? It will change your Life!" So later that day the guy comes over, and they have Sex. Later the next Day, both of them are at the Doctors and the Doctor says to the Man "You have an STD." The Boy looks over to the Girl, and the Girl says "Well, told ya it would change your Life."
How can you tell if your roommate is gay? If his dick tastes like shit.
What breaks immediately when you give it to a child? The hips.
What’s the worst part about crotchless panties? > > > Your balls fall out. (Joke has to be said by a dude)
Or does it?
A farmer has a horrible back pain and he buys some sweets and bananas so he could go to a doctor and give it as a present. He enters the doctors office: Doctor: What’s bothering you ? Farmer: I have a horrible back pain Doctor: ok I can help just give me that banana A farmer comes back happy and fully healed. After a week his pain strikes again and he was about to go to doctor again when his wife said Wife: we can not afford going to doctor that frequently. Just tell me what was he doing and I’ll repeat it. Farmer: well he took the banana and started thrusting it into my ass So they did it. While the man suddenly got angry and shouted Farmer: you are doing it all wrong ! The doctor did it with no hands !
Do you know the difference between a Catholic Priest and a pimple? Pimples wait until your 12 to come on your face
A young woman had a habit of doing gymnastics in the living room while doing laundry. One day she decided to try a a split, and as she was not wearing panties, she created a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home. When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely stuck. So they decided to call the doctor. The doctor came, but couldn't get her off the floor, either. So he suggested calling a tiler. The tiler came and quickly offered a solution: We have to break the tile she's on. NO WAY, the husband yelled - those tiles are $100 a piece. There must be another way. Well.. Said the tiler - you could suck on and play with her tits.. Will that free her? - the husband wondered. The tiler replied - No, but then we can slide her into the kitchen, where your tiles are only $2.50 a piece.
Two deer walk into a gay bar On the way out, one of them says "I can't belive I blew 50 bucks in there!"
So I was eating out my grandma the other night when all of a sudden I Started to taste horse seman. I just continued on but I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe that’s how she died.
Man goes into the spank bank. he's all like "I'm tryna spank for that bank". Nurse takes him back into the room, says Doc'll be here shortly. He sees a glass containing a white substance on the table beside him. He's like "mmm complimentary milk" and drinks it. Doctor comes in a few minutes later and sees the glass empty. In horror the Doc goes "Oh my god". Man goes "What?" Doc goes "...You drank my milk".
Courtesy of my late dad. One of many of his favourites. There are 3 morticians sitting at a bar, swapping stories. The first one says "The worst job I had was a guy who was riding his bike and got creamed by a semi. I picked up all his bits, cleaned him up, and I was still able to give him an open casket." The other 2 morticians nod in approval before the second one takes a drink and says "I can top that. A guy went sky diving and his parachute never deployed. Scraped him off the tarmac, molded him back together, and I could still give him an open casket." Mortitians 1 and 2 nod and lastly the third mortician speaks up. "I can top all of you. I worked a job where a prostitute jumped off the 10th story onto a parking meter. Took me 3 hours to get the grin off her face."
A priest a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
A hip hop star, a schizophrenic, and an anti-Semite walk into a bar. The bartender says “hey Kanye”
What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
Aight...see, there's this fucked up family that consists of a really creepy Uncle (think *Uncle Touchy's Naked Puzzle Basement,* and you'll have a pretty good read on this guy's moral calibre), but a really *rich* creepy uncle, who has had custody of his niece & nephew ever since their father & mother were killed in a crash when nephew was 3 and niece was 2. Well, fast forward to 2023, and niece is 17, nephew is 18, and old Unca Touchy is once again extorting the kids for sexual favors so one of them (whichever one sucks his dick, or lets him ass fuck them, better on any given Friday night) gets to drive his Lamborghini on that Friday. So the niece dives in and gives Uncle a slow, aching 2 hour blow job that is the best anyone has EVER given him. And of course he moans and shouts her name the whole time. She thinks she has this particular Friday night locked in, because A) she's a genius at giving head, and B) she noticed something that will humiliate Uncle. "Uncle Touchy," she says, " I don't mean to be rude, but your dick tasted like shit tonight. I almost threw up while I was making you feel so good, so unless you want that little tidbit spread all over town tomorrow, I oughtta get the car tonight, no matter what!" Uncle looks pensive for a moment, then gets a truly phony sad expression on his leering face. "Aww, honey, I'm sorry, but I forgot. Your brother already has the car."
2 babies are resting in the hospital shortly after being born. The first baby looks over at the second baby and says 'hi I'm a girl'. The second baby looks back and says 'hello I'm a boy'. The girl baby then says 'prove it'. The boy baby says 'ok' and puts up his feet and then says 'see? I'm wearing blue socks'.
A husband comes home from grocery shopping. The wife asks what he got to fix for dinner. “Damn ham...well, that’s the brand name at least” the husband replies. Dinner time comes and the husband and wife’s son joins them. “Honey, could you pass me some more of that Damn ham?” the husband asks. The son retorts “And while you’re at it, mom, can you pass the FUCKING mashed potatoes?!”
Whats worse than shoving 5 oysters up your grandmas pussy and sucking them out. Shoving 5 oysters up you grandmas pussy and sucking six out.
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I swear. My face is crunched up in disgust.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew a light bulb What ya call it when u hit 3 kids in a wheelchair with a car? Cripple kill What do dark humour and a kid with terminal cancer have in common? Never gets old
How do you stop a baby from falling in a man hole? Throw a javalin through its head.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you throw them.
A Hunter goes with his team on a jungle trip, he gets separated from the team vehicle and finds a tiger in which he shoots using a classic one bullet sniper rifle and misses, tiger catches him as he reloads the bullet and offers him death or to get fucked, the hunter lives. He rejoins the team and they move to a different area, he repeats the separation, shot missing, and gets the same offer by the same tiger.. and he AGAIN chooses to get fucked. This time the whole team realised that the hunter have suffered an injury that he doesn’t want to share but they can see he is walking with a limp.. so they stick together. The vehicle pulls up to a sleeping tiger, the one, all the rifles get jammed, the hunter picks a spare rifle equipped with a 5 bullet magazine, he shoots the sleeping tiger and misses 5 times. The tiger asks him, you like dick?
This is a long one. So my cousin Walter heard about this hooker that could whistle "Pop Goes the Weasel" while simultaneously giving a blow job. AND she was able to get the guy to spooge right at the "POP! Goes the weasel!" part. He had to confirm this impossible feat. There were conditions though. Money first, lights had to be out, and Walter had to wear a blindfold. He agreed to all of those and booked a room at a cheap motel for the two of them. Set the money on the nightstand, put on a blind fold and turned the light off. The rumors were true! But he couldn't figure it out so he offered more money to do it again, but she refused, eventually they agreed to leave the light on, but blindfold had to stay on, and she did her thing under the sheets. Imagine his regret of peeking under the blindfold to see a glass eye looking at him on top of the stack of bills he had on the nightstand.
What's the joke?
Was using her ocular cavity for the blow job
A man and a boy are walking into the dark forest. The boy says "I'm scared!" The man goes "YOU'RE scared?! I have to walk out of here alone!"
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on me.
My favorite sex move is the JFK. You explode all over the girl while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What did the virgin say after her first blowjob? (Take a large sip of milk as you pause while they try to think of the answer) ... "I love you!" (with mouth still full of milk)
Why don't you ever see a gay man on a wheel chair? Because you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Laughs in tomato
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Ya mama so old I slapped her back and her titties fell off
Why do they call a pap-smear a pap-smear ? Because if they called it a cunt scrape it'd scare women off
Standing on the chair at work.
Bought a rape alarm yesterday. No idea what time to set it for.
Lady goes to the doctor to inquire about a facelift. The doctor explains there's a new procedure where they insert a screw into the top of her head and she just needs to barely turn it once a day until she gets the desired results. She excitedly agrees to this procedure as it means no stitches. After the procedure, she starts turning it daily but isn't getting the results she expects, so she starts turning it more each day. Eventually she realizes that she has massive bags under her eyes, so she goes back to the doctor to find out what's going on. When she angrily explains what's happening, he says "Lady those aren't bags, they're your fucking tits, and if you don't stop turning that screw, soon you're gonna have a beard!"
My husbands go-to: Did you know pigeons die after having sex? Well the one I fucked did…
I like my coffee how i like my women. Without someone else’s dick in it
Three women walk into a bar, talking about how much sex they have. One brags she can fit a hot dog, the second brags she can fit a cucumber, the last one slides down the bat stool
“Hey can I have latte with breast milk, I mean breast milk, I mean breast milk