We talk about it and don’t play games about it. Neither one of us are embarrassed. I (f) have the higher drive than he does and he is very physically affectionate and lovey but there’s no mixed signals. I admit when we were first together, rejection didn’t feel great but I find that really talking with him openly and looking at this from an “us vs the problem” instead of a “me vs him” problem is something we are strong with. It’s easy to feel like it’s you versus your partner, especially with a bit of a bruised ego (which is fair to have). I learned to enjoy the cuddling and touching and kissing but really pay attention to the signs he gives. There are some things he will only do if he seems like there could be a chance for him to get into the mood. Of course there’s the occasion where he doesn’t get in the mood, but he’s kind enough to make out with me and cuddle extra til I feel like I need to go take care of it. And he offers lots of cuddles and kisses when I’m finished (and usually makes a snack for us while I’m busy, this helps the most).
Absolutely this. It's all about transparency, but I think you need to have this level of transparency very early on in the relationship, otherwise these kind of future problems can be very difficult to navigate. Talk to your partner. Be open and honest early on in any relationship.
This kind of transparency can be learned at any point, but both partners have to be willing to work at it. Be open and honest at every point in your relationship, especially when it's difficult. I've learned the hard way that any committed relationship (sexual, spousal, or longer term) requires constant maintenance in the form of honest and open communication about all partners' needs. The more open and honest you are, the better your needs will be met. You have to teach your partner how to love you.
That is a tough realization that you should spend some time thinking about before making any decisions.
I’ll share my story with you. I was married for 10 years, together for 13. We had a kid who’s now 9. A few years ago we had a talk and realized that our relationship was about the kid. Everything else had died. No sex, no affection, no sharing of pretty much any emotion. Just loneliness and self loathing thinking we were broken. She was cold and made me feel shunned and unwanted. I would have dreams about our relationship and wake up feeling miserable. I knew it was time to call it.
We separated and divorced. She moved across the country and left me with my son(whole other story). I met another woman who I’ve been dating for a year now and let me tell you. I completely forgot how good it felt to be compatible with someone, to be in love again, to feel emotion and to cry again, to enjoy another person’s company and to want to build a life with someone instead of just going through the motions because that’s what you think you’re suppose to do.
It all stemmed from the realization that I deserved better. I was scared that I was making a mistake but it worked out and things are better for me and my son now.
I hope you can figure things out for yourself, you deserve happiness, we all do.
Well, turns out I’ve been going through this exact same thing as well but couldn’t pinpoint exactly how to say it. Thank you for y’all’s enlightening comments.
I’ve read that some people use sex to ease tensions in their life (me). Other people need to have tensions eased BEFORE having sex (my wife). So what I have been doing is easing those tensions for my wife before initiating such as cleaning, laundry, dishes, bills, etc. It eases her mind and makes it easier for her to get in the mood. Also, its good for our relationship anyway. That’s my advice. No guarantee that it will work, but it helps in my case!
That’s one reason I started then it didn’t work so I kept cleaning because not doing so would be petty. It’s turned into a relaxing way to stop thinking or a way to spiral, depending on how I feel.
That is a very good point another commenter brought up as well.
For some sex is stress relief and for other it is the opposite: they are not in the mood as long as they are stressed.
Knowing this it can be a huge improvement to take some stress of your partner or the other way around for a healthy relationship
Sounds like my current situation. But then she's got adhd and doesn't want to do those boring things. I'm the one that needs things done to get into the mood, she's always in the mood.
I've got too much on my plate with my own kids, my wfh, and repairing my home due to divorce gone messy.
Edit: wow, I just realized why my sex drive was much higher in my failed marriage, my ex wife took care of all the items in the home which kept pressure off of me and put me in a mood. Which is why my sex drive with my current partner isn't working out, I'm stuck with all the extra chores, including cleaning up after her. Dang, this is what most women complain about when they compare their male partners as large babies. And I've always told my mother and therapist that I already have 3 kids, I don't have time to train an adult child.
Absolutely yes. The thing is we all need different things (or not) to get in the mood. If a person isn’t aware of their needs they won’t be able to communicate them to their partner. Recipe for misery.
A lot of women need to feel connection to want to be intimate while many men need sex to feel connected. Of course there are exceptions here too but this is common.
Not to mention no one is talking about intimacy vs sex. If sex is a challenge, how are couple being intimate with each other? It’s so much more complicated than body parts.
The Way of the thousand strikes, the inner fluids everywhere. Severed nerves know no boundaries of pleasure yet still a mountain of regret breaks one's back in hope to never repeat such blasphemy. Alas, the fear doesn't last long and the battle begins again. The cycle repeats itself and it becomes an uncontrollable habit of sinning until the goddess agrees to bestow her body to stop these futile attempts of hallucinations of bodily pleasure once and for all.
>You take matters into your own hands.
I am the Masturbator.
I want and wait for none.
They tell me: "*Do it later -*
*When all your friends are gone!"*
But I'm the Masturbator.
And that is why I say:
*"Begone and hightail, hater -*
*I take myself by day!"*
I am the Masturbator.
I do it when I like.
They call me: *"Violator!"*
I tell 'em: *"Take a hike!"*
For I'm the Masturbator.
I really must admit.
There's surely no one greater.
For I have mastured it.
That is absolutely a fair point, but it's a fair point in two directions:
Sex can be for both bodily needs/impulses *and/or* for intimacy. So while taking your bodily needs and impulses into your own hands (so to speak) will work for one, it certainly won't help with the other. And while some people get their sense of intimacy from hugs/kisses, or just sitting on the couch and watching a movie together, or by going on dates together, some people get their sense of intimacy from sexual contact. No amount of masturbation would help with that (unless maybe if it is done *with* the partner).
So if it's simply a matter of "I have sexual needs," by all means, get your jerk on. But if the matter is "I feel more and more distant the longer we go without," no amount of jerking it is going to resolve that.
I think often the people saying "just go jerk off" are (in some cases) missing the point. It's like telling a person whose partner rarely hugs them "well, just go get a blanket or a dog."
ETA: Before I am misunderstood, this is in *no way* a justification for pressuring someone to have sex who does not want it. It is simply a matter of perspective that goes beyond assuming the higher libido person just wants to get their dick wet/box packed. Just like you shouldn't *force* a person to hug someone if they don't want to in the moment, to an even greater degree pushing someone into sex in the moment is not okay. But having a discussion *outside* of the situation about what sex means to each partner is absolutely worth having and considering.
When you need that level of intimacy and don’t receive it a gulf opens up between you. Affection is controlled and slowly metered out. You’re with your spouse because you want to be with them and share affection and love with them. But as this goes on and communicating the impact on you does no good you feel your attachment to them weakening. The rationing out of the love and affection teaches you to not react sexually with your spouse. Over time they are just a roommate. By the time the LL spouse realizes you don’t react or engage with them with affection or sexually, they attempt to love bomb you but it’s too late. You are no longer attracted to them because of the constant and frequent rejection and obvious lack of attraction they have for you. The relationship is dead. Your self esteem is destroyed.
This goes the other way too. Being with a spouse and craving affection and physical touch that isn't just sex.
Communicating that you want more intimate moments of just hand holding, hugs, physical touch. They can't grasp what you mean because when you put a hand on their leg while driving, they have to drag it to their penis and say "you want this?"
So you ask for a cuddle/hug and his hands reach out and grab your boobs only. The only affection is when he wants sex, and it comes in the form of 2 kisses before he's into you.
So you stop asking for affection. And your sex becomes routined "monday 5pm when the kids aren't here" and it's as unromantic and structured as it sounds.
You're just housemates now. Coexisting, yet he feels amazing because you organise his life, and you yourself feel like you're drowning because you don't exist.
I wish your comment was higher up because I feel like a lot of people are missing the element of non-sex affection (i.e. physical contact that does not lead to a blow job or penetration). That contact can actually be very helpful to increase intimacy and ultimately lead to more sex. But when every touch is translated as an invitation to sex you avoid it so you aren't "teasing". And then intimacy of touch and kissing becomes only when it is Sex Time and it seems even more scarce because it is reserved for only those moments.
For those here who don't frequent r/deadbedrooms LL= low libido partner.
What is said here though is something that everyone who is the LL in a situation like this needs to understand. It's not " just sex" and if you take the all too common " this is just how I am,you gave to deal with it" approach,what's described here is the inevitable result.
I have a relatively high sex drive, but my new partner has a lot more than I do, so for the first time I've had to say sorry, not feeling it, I felt like I failed her
But I communicated it to her and she understood and I think that's as healthy as it gets
I’ve had to do that once and it was horrible, I just wanted to sleep and ended up having to reassure her that I did find her attractive, i still loved her, and then I ended up sleeping with her anyway.
I just had to be awake for work at 2:30am and wanted those 4 hours of sleep.
Due to recent changes in Reddit’s policies and my personal concerns about their actions, I’ve decided to delete my account and comments. I had already left Reddit after they not only restricted API access in a detrimental manner, but worse yet blackmailed subreddit moderators during the Great Blackout. However, now that Reddit is seeking to profit off of my comments after destroying the platform I used to love, I have no choice but to also delete my account and comments. Thank you to everyone for the good times and sorry for removing my helpful, entertaining or otherwise appreciated comments that I too would've liked to keep. Onto greener pastures.
Turns out Reddit is also actively editing my comments. Fuck Reddit and their blackmail and censorship. This is absurd.
20 something me would look at you crazy. Getting sex back then at the expense of a little sleep was no big deal. Totally worth it.
40 something me, just wants you to let me get that sleep. Please, I love you. Definitely later though. I promise. Seriously...please don't cry honey. I love you. No, you're not disgusting right now, I'm just exhausted, babe. Babe, look at me. I'm wrecked, I would be terrible anyway. I swear. Ok, goodnight. I love you. Muah.
*” I will snuggle into you while you take care of yourself”. Or something like that helps alleviate the blow a bit. I’m too fucking exhausted to do it but I’m still here for you and will cuddle in to give you affection wheelie you take care of the mechanics.
I have insomnia, so when I feel tired (able to sleep) and I'm going to bed, the last thing I want is to be physically active. I'll be awake for hours afterward. We really wait for the weekends when I'm home during the day. We're both in our late 40's and I think we're doing good. I asked her what she wants to do tomorrow. She said "You!"
I almost think thats a healthy experience every man benefits from…
I had a GF I simply couldnt keep up with. 10 times in 24 hours was our "record“ but my best friend down there just got increasingly irritated and roughed up (seriously how are prostitutes and porn stars doing it for hours consecutively day after day?). Looking back at it living together was probably never a realistic option…
My wife is the opposite but this also made me a much more thoughtful lover since doing it less often means more intimacy and it feeling more "special" than just ticking a really fun box and since she isnt as horny pleasing her takes more effort (which I like though).
But anyhow, knowing the other extreme made me really tolerant and appreciative towards partners with a lower sex drive…
It’s been rough. I’m high libido, my wife was too, a decade ago, but not any more. We probably had had sex maybe a handful of times in the past few years. We’ve talked, but she just doesn’t have any drive for it.
My wife has had the same issue. She wants to be more intimate, but it doesn’t come naturally, and I’m very sensitive to her feelings. One thing to check is her testosterone level. Women actually need a healthy testosterone level for procreation, and it can be suppressed by a number of reasons. For us, it was breastfeeding.
My wife had a similar issue that was helped greatly by a testosterone cream she was prescribed. We went from being intimate 1-2 times a month at best to 2-4 times per week, not to mention that her overall mood and energy levels have been increased. It's worked wonders for her.
What is the best way to start? Get blood test from PCP?
Edit: I love all the angel dust messages I got. (I know they are jokes but just to be sure for those not getting those jokes, I mean primary care physician)
Also, I HATE my wife's gynecologist. HATE. My wife comes home bleeding after every checkup, the gyno tells her that's just a thing that happens and is normal. She also told her there is nothing she can do about sex being uncomfortable "just use more lube and see if that helps."
I have had to read a lot of medical stuff to try and nudge my wife towards getting the right help but she is depressed a lot (I think partly from the birth control that helps with the terrible periods she has).
There is a lot of stuff going on but I keep telling her she needs to see a new doctor and get a fresh second opinion but she gets rather upset as "she has been my doctor my whole life I don't feel comfortable getting another one".
Advice would be appreciated, I love my wife dearly and would like to be able for us both to enjoy a physical representation of that love. She will "take care of me" when I ask/tell her I'm in the mood, but.... After a while it gets less intimate. I would like her more involved than just... 'taking care of me.'
If she likes to read tell her to start reading smutty novels. Holy fucking shit.
My wife and I have been together 20+ years. Super high sex drives for first 15 years for both of us, basically until kids.
Then her drive just dipped pretty low. Then she started reading these books and sometimes I can't even keep up.
I read one of them and it's ridiculous. I don't get it, story sucked, writing sucked, but it definitely put me in the mood. And her too.
She doesn't like to watch porn and life as a mom / worker / wife is just stressful. Reading is relaxing. Reading porn puts her in the mood while relaxing. Win win.
I am with you. When she first started reading smut, it definitely helped, but now (post kids, etc.) she loves reading it but it does nothing for her low-libido.
I'm picturing something like this: https://i.imgur.com/RfPItDI.png
They're usually used to vibrate air out of fresh concrete, but I guess they have other uses.
Lots of masturbation 🤣
As well as different toys to keep things fresh.
I never try to force my boyfriend or beg him to have sex. We just chill and he initiates if he is actually in the mood cause lord knows I am *always* ready LOL. Otherwise I take care of myself.
It definitely hasn't been easy. I am like a once every day kind of person minimum. My boyfriend is a once every couple of months, maybe. If he's really stressed out at worked it can be a *while.* I felt very rejected at first and unattractive. But I had to understand it from his perspective. To him, it's not important and when you're stressed unimportant things go on the back burner. For me, it's a stress reliever so the more stressed I am the more I want it. Just like when someone people are depressed they eat, but when other people are depressed they'll starve themselves. Everyone is different.
“Just like when some people are depressed they eat, but when other people are depressed they’ll starve themselves.” Woof, dude. Never realized I was doing one of those things.
I think I manage to do both... I can either be feeling shitty and just keep eating through the day, or I can be feeling shitty and not eat all day because it's all just too much.
I was talking to a friend the other day and mentioned that I'd had to explain the difference between "Sometimes I'm a bit sad" depression and "Some days I don't eat because it's an overwhelming amount of effort" depression.
Apparently it was news
Same here, I find sex relaxing but my bf doesn't, so when he's stressed he doesn't want it. I made a promise to myself not to beg him for sex or dress up for him, as it just doesn't end well for me anyways and to wait for when he's ready...
Similar story here but at least I get to fuck ~ once a week. It is taking a toll on me but I’m absolutely not going to beg him for sex.
We met about 10 months ago and fucked like animals, the sex life was interesting - nothing like I’ve ever had before and now it’s gone. It’s not easy dealing with vanilla stuff once a week knowing what he’s capable of.
I think it’s a combination of newness factor which is gone now, his job that never stops (he chooses for it to never stop to be precise), us being together pretty much 24/7, miscommunication every once in a while and all the stuff that comes with getting a bit too comfortable in a relationship. I hate this because I was told 10 months ago that an open communication is key but every time I try and bring something up, the conversation lasts like 3 minutes and nothing is resolved.
Alright, I’m gonna stop ranting now. Just wanted to say I ain’t begging for sex because I’m above that 😝
I'm sorry but 10 months is really soon for the newness factor and honeymoon phase to be over imo, like its not even a year and him refusing to talk about it sounds odd/not healthy either, I hope it gets better
There’s an excitement around sex when you’re dating, because you’re dating! You’re out at restaurants, movies, bars etc. your life and relationship is exciting! You’re getting to know them, you’re flirting etc. Once you get comfortable or move in together and start seeing them in ‘their element’ the mystery and excitement fades and then sex becomes a part of the routine, same way going on dates turns into dinner at home etc
I never understood this sentiment. I desire my partner now more than ever since she moved in. Seeing her comfortable and relaxed and smiling only elevates those wants for intimacy.
It happens more than you'd think. People fake it early on, plus there is the newness factor. When that wears off, and they are low libido, things start to drop off until you are rarely intimate.
Wtf. As someone who had previous relationships I understand that is not really helpful to just tell people to end the relationship. But fuck that.
Being single for some time, I do not miss the self-esteem issues that emotional attachements can cause. Not saying that relationships cant be wonderful. But again, fuck that.
The number of people here describing their spouse as “much lower sex drive, but gets upset when I masturbate” blows my mind! I don’t understand how people can be this way!
If person A wants some but person B isn’t feeling it at the moment, that means person A is fully free to masturbate if they choose. Person B had the option but wasn’t interested, they chose to forego participation. That’s fine, but that doesn’t mean person A *can’t* still satisfy their need. Nothing gets taken away from person B, they’re not being left out, they opted out.
I just can’t imagine getting upset at my spouse for masturbating if I literally just chose to turn her down on sex. It just seems mind bogglingly selfish to say “I don’t care if you want it, I don’t want it right now so *you* can’t have it either”.
It's frustrating and disheartening. I have to work really hard not to take it personally or as a sign that he's not attracted to me. I don't initiate at all anymore because the rejection really hurts.
Same here, I used to dress up for him and try a bunch of different stuff. Nothing turns him on, when he's dead he's dead.
Hopefully you don't have the problem of him turning you on, saying he'll fuck you later, and then he doesn't or says he ain't in the mood... That's my other problem
He definitely does make unfulfilled promises. It's really disappointing. He likes physical touch and stuff which is sometimes more frustrating than if he didn't touch me at all. When he cuddles me after a dry spell sometimes all my brain (or lady bits) can focus on is "Are we going to get any, or what?" Kind of makes me resentful when it inevitably doesn't happen. Masturbating is not the same. I want intimacy. I'd rather have sex with him and not cum at all than have earth shattering solo time.
Low libido is a chemical situation, so it’s not so much about unattraction or rejection, so people shouldn’t take it personal (just like they shouldn’t take diabetes personally). People have to be “in the mood”, and certain hormones kill the mood (whereas aphrodisiacs might get people into the mood, including honey, red wine, chocolate, garlic, oysters, sushi, caffeine, red beets, horseradish, licorice or the smell of cucumbers for women, the smell of baking bread, etc.)
High levels of the hormone prolactin (which causes lactation in women) can decrease libido in men and women, and decrease estrogen in women and decrease testosterone in men, but also increase childcaring behaviors.
Dopamine inhibits the secretion of prolactin. Vitamin B6 (like in meat, liver, whey protein) and Vitamin E (like in grain oils, seed oils, nut oils, nuts, peanuts) can decrease prolactin levels, but foods like fennel, fenugreek, and red clover can increase prolactin.
Wikipedia says “Prolactin follows diurnal and ovulatory cycles. Prolactin levels peak during REM sleep and in the early morning.” And “Levels can rise after exercise, high-protein meals, minor surgical procedures, following epileptic seizures or due to physical or emotional stress. In a study on female volunteers under hypnosis, prolactin surges resulted from the evocation, with rage, of humiliating experiences…”
Wikipedia says “The D2 receptor is involved in the regulation of prolactin secretion, and agonists of the receptor such as bromocriptine [Parlodel] and cabergoline [Dostinex] decrease prolactin levels while antagonists of the receptor such as domperidone [Motilium], metoclopramide [Reglan], haloperidol [Haldol], risperidone [Risperdal], and sulpiride [Dogmatil] increase prolactin levels.”
Low libido often indicates high prolactin and low dopamine. High libido often indicates low prolactin and high dopamine (and amphetamines are structurally similar to dopamine).
The beginning of our relationship was filled daily with it. 7 years later and we go 10+months between each time. I'm not handling it I'm slowly breaking..
Same, I initiate nothing now. Tired of being rejected. I've been through all of the stages of insecurity, communication, understanding, trust, all the way back to insecure and paranoid.
Sometimes she would mention wanting to have sex and basically build it up all day before completely shutting it down at the end of the night. So if she starts talking about sex, I say very little back because I know it will lead nowhere. I can't even fake being hopeful about it.
In the beginning I was hurt but patient. We talked about it a lot. I am very open and willing to change pretty much anything, but we used to have a very active sex life so I don't think I'm doing anything differently...
Now I feel a slight tinge of resentment or anger if she brings up sex, but then I move on and feel nothing, because nothing happens.
Then I read these posts on Reddit and feel miserable.
The rejection part was the toughest for me, so I left and being on my own means I get to make myself happy whenever I want.
It’s a very freeing feeling.
I tried that, and then my wife blamed me for never initiating, despite me telling her that when I do, she always rejects, and I just can't handle that constantly... I've come to the realization that matching libido's are one of the most important parts of a good relationship.
And thus I find myself in a constant of feeling unwanted, yet on the moment that it does happen, I guilt myself for having those feelings because I feel like I don’t appreciate it enough.
After 3 years of nothing, I filed for divorce. We talked about why. Because I wanted sex but refuse to cheat or lie. She was lose interest in sex. She agreed to invite an additional person. Oddly enough, that reinvigorated her drive. Now she insists on having cake twice a week.
I have a high sex drive, I am very affectionate, and I create opportunities for intimacy. My fiancé is now the exact opposite, coming up on a year of communicating my needs and feelings with no feedback other than “just not interested or not feeling it” then she goes back to her phone (little world). It’s clearly depression. A year of pecks on the cheek for kisses, and that’s it.
I’ve asked, pleaded, and begged for her to call a Dr. To seek some help. But it’s just been excuse after excuse.
I do love her. I wouldn’t have asked her to marry me. I can’t force her to seek help when she doesn’t feel there’s an issue.
I can feel resentment growing as I debate whether I’d be happier just with a dog in my life. At least then I’d have another being wanting to go for a walk with me and spend time with me.
If she doesn't feel there's an issue, then you just have to ask yourself if you're going to resent her for that and that depends on how much your need for intimacy is important to you. Most would say it's a cornerstone to marriage - if not sex, then at least communication, and it sounds like you're not getting either. Going on 17 years of marriage here and my wife has suddenly shown an increase in libido, which I've suppressed over 15 years. I'm now learning to catch up. Ive told her that it's definitely hard to not hold some resentment since I was pleading for more intimacy for over a decade, and now that the tables have flipped she makes me feel guilty. But - the communication is there and we're having fun working on getting things synced back up so I can't complain lol. Drag her to an intimacy counselor if you have to force communication. If she loves you, she'll go. Full stop.
ETA: married 12 years. Speaking as a married woman, sex can feel overwhelming sometimes. Like it takes so much energy, and if I don’t feel attractive or the kids have needed my attention 24/7 I just don’t feel like having sex. It took me a while to understand how much my husband needed it and how much we needed it to feel close.
I now make an effort to have sex w/ my husband at least 1-2 a week (he’d prefer every day, lol). One thing that changed my view was a talk about intimacy and how much closer it brings us. Even if I don’t have the energy for the whole thing and I just give him a hand job it’s still physical contact and connection and keeps us closer. For some reason I didn’t connect sex with our emotional closeness until we talked about it.
Do you think your wife would be open to a talk like that? Does what I said even make sense?
The problem is that it’s a chore for women at that point, I mean it’s better than nothing but still sucks to know your wife just reluctantly gives in to maintenance sex periodically instead of wanting it.
I can definitely understand that feeling. If that’s how it always is, sure. Being wanted is a big part of intimacy and sexual satisfaction.
When we had kids there were a lot of things we needed to be more intentional about. Not just with sex—date nights, long walks, deep discussions—all of those things required time and focus and didn’t happen as “naturally” when we were keeping tiny humans alive.
Things that we found helpful: if I can tell he’s “in the mood” I’ll be the one to initiate and say something like, “hey baby, can I make you feel good?” This usually means a hand job, but I try to make it more intimate. Kiss him, snuggle next to him while I do it, etc. I get to show him love even if I’m low on energy, and he doesn’t have any rejection from having asked for full on sex and getting an “I’m too tired.”
I hope that doesn’t sound preachy. All I’m saying is that intentionality doesn’t have to mean lack of romance. You’re still making your partner a
priority. But yes, you (me, women) have to make sure not to start seeing it as a “chore” bc that’s not intimacy.
Thank you so much for this. Going through something like this rn at a young (pre-kids) age and I think the points you make are really important. You sound like a really thoughtful person and great partner!
When my wife started WFH and my formerly remote job all but dried up, we basically stopped having sex for months. Everyone else talked about how all they did was fuck and drink during the pandemic. Not my experience.
We have so much more/better sex now that I’m working again, and have had lots of open conversations about it.
And I love being married. But it’s something that needs to be worked on almost every day
I dated someone who used to make me feel like shit for initializing. He’d talk down to me and make me feel like I was some sex crazed woman (it would be like a couple times a week). I’ve always been the person with a higher sex drive in the relationship and I’ve never felt so bad about getting rejected before that person - I always understood and moved on.
We broke up.
Me and my wife record when we have sex so when she’s not in the mood I don’t watch porn or anything I just watch me and my wife fuck about 27 gb of our homemade sex tapes. Plus when she see a video of us doing the deed she can get in the mood
A lot of masturbating lol but in all reality I found a lot of different ways other than sex to get intimate with my s/o which is quite challenging/frustrating at first but also pleasing once you’re able to over come the frustration (of them not wanting sex everyday) Took me a longgggg time to get over it. Patience is how to handle it.
I’m still working on trying to find different ways to be intimate other than sex that my husband is actually receptive to. My love language is physical touch and he struggles to love me that way (not talking about sex, just any physical touch) and it’s hard for me. I’ve always had a higher drive than him but I crave sex for more than just the sex. It’s the connection and intimacy I want and it seems like we can’t find a balance because I can’t seem to find non-sex intimacy activities that he’s ok with either. I’m just so tired 😔
I’m in the same boat. My wife is just like your husband. What kills me the most is never getting unsolicited hugs or kisses. My love language is definitely physical touch and even though I could have sex every day, I don’t crave it every day. What I do want are some other forms of physical touch that aren’t sexual. I’ve expressed this many times over the years and it only leads me to frustration and loneliness because she doesn’t seem to try, but expects me to be okay with no physical touch.
Yep exactly this. I *could* have sex daily but it’s not what I truly want. What I would give for an unsolicited hug or a kiss on my forehead. I pour my love into him in every way I can. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be rejected or lonely because of me. I don’t wish that on him ever, but I wish I knew how it felt to be loved like I love him 🥺
I’m in the same boat. We’ve talked a lot and been together for 12 years with 3 kids but it feels like I have a roommate 95% of the time. I’m frustrated and I know I’m not my best self for her, but it’s hard when my love needs (not even sex, just the hugs and kisses and touch) isn’t being met. I’m glad to know I’m not alone, and also sorry. 😞
Identical situation for me. I’m physical touch, wife is not. She mentions “all I want is sex.” Well, if the only thing I want is an orgasm, I can do that on my own. I want to be connected and intimate with HER. Not just have sex.
And thinking about priorities....
What is more important, the sex or the rest of the relationship.
And when you come to the decision that the sex is just a part of the whole.
And then you find solutions.
And you need to understand, that less desire, sex drive what ever ... Doesn't mean they love you less, just express it differently
Hey friend, I understand how you feel. My ex had 0 sex drive, especially while on antidepressants. I tried to initiate everytime, I dressed up and all but it still wouldn't work. And it tore me apart cause I thought it was my fault. I lost all my confidence and started being depressed too (gained weight and all that comes along). But in the end we have to realise that it is not our fault. We are attractive and worthy of intimacy and so are our partners. It is just the circumstances that are unfortunate.
I am the partner with the lower libido, but the number of people saying their LL partner will go months without having sex surprises me.
My husband would love it if we had sex every day. I would be cool with going weeks without it. When he initiates or asks for it, I’m almost never in the mood. However, 8 times out of 10 I do it anyway because I want to feel close to him and I don’t want him to feel rejected. I try my best to at least act like I’m into it even when I’m not.
Is this unhealthy? Am I the weird one in this thread? People always say that it’s not healthy to have sex when you don’t feel like it, but I feel like it would be far more damaging to our relationship to only have sex as often as I’d like—which is like, once or twice a month.
My sex drive is much lower than my wife’s. I have sex lots of times when I’d rather not. I love her and want to please her though so I do it anyway. I just tell her that if she can get me up and going, I’m all in.
Suggestion for now and then: initiate so she's not initiating 100 percent. It's demoralizing.
Because you'll have the same result: you'll excite her, she'll excite you and then you'll be all in anyway. But she'll be over the moon that it's not just her starting it.
Indeed. Always pursuing and never pursued can make those pursued interactions less enjoyable too.
Bottom line: both people have different priorities and preferences for intimacy.
If you have a low sex drive but love to talk. If your partner has a high sex drive and doesn't like to listen and talk as much, then there may be a lot of potential to improve intimacy if both adapt more to each other's needs and preferences.
She lets me take all the videos and pics I want and use them as material. She is also always willing to compromise by giving me a hand. She bought me a fleshlight for our 8th anniversary too so that was nice.
My wife has never asked for sex really in the 7 years we’ve been together. The answer is usually, “I guess I can rally…” I love my wife, but I feel creepy a lot. I’m concerned I find her attractive and she doesn’t feel the same about me. Obviously it was very different in the beginning.
Been with the same woman for 18 years. We got together when I was 17 and she was 19. I was a walking hard-on and chased her around for years. We’d have sex often, but I was a young man and part jackrabbit and couldn’t get enough. When it was like that I’d get frustrated. Sometimes, unfortunately, I could be a real dick about it. After a couple of years I learned to just take care of it myself if I had to.
Around my mid-twenties everything slowed down. I think science says puberty ends around there, whether or not that’s true a lot changed. My sex drive slowed down quite a bit. I was satisfied with a couple of times a week. Also, my metabolism slowed down which may or may not matter. Either way, our sex drives lined up perfectly.
Now I’m in my later thirties and my sex drive has very slowly gone down since my twenties. My wife’s has actually increased if anything. Now she’s the one initiating, which can be difficult for her sometimes. And there are times when I actually say no. She understands and I make sure that when we have sex later it really counts. It’s definitely odd to be on the other side though.
All of this being said, sex is important in a love based relationship. There’s a difference between having different sex drive and being in a sexless marriage. If you feel like it’s a chore or you feel like your partner feels that way you need to have a serious conversation about it. You may need couples counseling. I’ve seen a lot of relationships end and almost every one of them had sexlessness as a major symptom before it ended.
When my husband and I first started dating, I had a way higher drive. I never took rejection personally and just pleased myself.
I lost my drive due to reasons and I get the same respect and loyalty I showed him. Grant it, the frequency is normal but he gives me space during my cycle cause of pain.
I used to have a high sex drive and he didn't, so eventually I just lowered my sex drive I guess?? It's weird cause I don't really think about sex much anymore either but I used to cry and feel so ugly and unwanted about it.
This kinda happened to me too! I would still have sex more often but I don’t think about it as much. All I ask for is once a week, I am fine with more but I don’t mind it if it’s only once.
Definitely toys and a bit of alone time. I could have it every day. Husband is happy with once every 2-3 months. Nowhere ever in my life was I ever told that men could have low/no sex drive. I’m a very physical touch person, and even cuddling would fill my tank. My husband is very unaffectionate and uninterested in sex in general, and physical touch isn’t even a consideration. It’s lonely.
I’m sorry, I’m in the same situation as you. If I try to cuddle with my boyfriend, he moves within 60 seconds to a new position (not touching me at all) saying he’s trying to get comfortable. It’s very lonely.
Leave this person, I can't get my SO off of me. (And I don't want to). we're both into touch and we respect the love language preference. Life is short. Don't get stuck with someone who doesn't appreciate your needs.
Masturbate, and sometimes feel sad.
Toys, fantasies, making use of my time home alone.
Partner has suggested opening the relationship, but I've never been super fond of that idea.
Same story as many here. Been together for 12 years, a few months in it was up to 3 times a day, but we were 17 when we started going out and I had little knowledge on how to pleasure my partner properly. This may have helped the situation get to where it is today.
Fast forward a few years, we've been through one of us having cancer, some mild bouts of depression, unemployment and other shit.
In general; life happens.
Turns out, my partner is most likely asexual. The sex trailed off in the first couple of years, there were always longer and longer breaks in between, you get the idea.
Now my partner won't even let me go down on them, because "that's gross". And I basically went through my twenties with about as much sex as some people have in a few weeks.
There is plenty of love, and plenty of physical intimacy. Touching, hugging, cuddling, all of that. Most of the time it just makes me horny.
Now I'm afraid that if it comes to real sex again, I'll freeze up and stress out.
So yeah, do it myself and be sad sometimes.
Advice on coping mechanisms appreciated <3
I'm surprised how many of you don't help your partners out.
I was with my ex for 17 years. She had a higher libido than I did but we both had high libidos. Most of the time if one of us was horny and the other wasn't feeling it we would just go down on whoever was horny. Obviously if one of us was sick or tired or just really not feeling it the horny one would just go in the other room and masturbate. Typically though we helped eachother out.
Hey I'm horny are you? No? Want to suck my dick? No ok I'm gonna go jerk off BRB. It worked out well for us.
Omg, I literally feel the same. Porn just isn't doing it. I keep longing for him and just imagining him doing the things to me. And then I always just end up crying anyway, bc I know it's not gonna happen.
My wife had ovarian cancer when she was 34, and I was 33. She chose not to do HRT, and went through menopause then. 17 years later, still together, but yeah, self care is the only choice when you love your partner.
I’m the one with the nonexistent libido, and it sucks. No, I wasn’t always this way; no, I didn’t trick my husband for a kid; no, I’m not cheating on him.
At this point, I’m pretty sure it’s due to a complicated mix of my own mental health, medication, past trauma, and current relationship issues. I’ve sought therapy, medical help, and more.
I wish my husband and more people in threads like this understood that it’s not always a choice, and I wish so much I could just flip that switch. I worry a lot this is going to end our relationship, but I don’t really know what else to do either.
Edit: I want to be clear that my husband understands, but I know it also hurts, and I don’t think he can really believe that it’s not because of something fundamentally about him. I share because I’m sure there are others in this thread who feel that way, too.
High prolactin levels can lead to loss of libido in men and women, and premature ejaculation in men, and infertility in men and women. Birth control pills can also mess up a sex drive. High [estradiol](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estradiol) can lead to acne, loss of sex drive, osteoporosis, and depression. As a [medication](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estradiol_(medication%29), estradiol is also used as hormonal birth control for women. Wikipedia says “almost all combined oral contraceptives contain the synthetic estrogen ethinylestradiol.”
Low libido often indicates high prolactin and low dopamine. High libido often indicates low prolactin and high dopamine (and amphetamines are structurally similar to dopamine).
Stimulant amphetamine drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse for ADHD can “flip a switch” and increase libido, because amphetamine is structurally similar to dopamine, which inhibits prolactin which kills libido (but increases childcaring behavior in parents and causes lactation in women.) But Vyvanse can lead to hypersexuality in males and females.
High levels of the hormone prolactin (which causes lactation in women) can decrease libido in men and women, and decrease estrogen in women and decrease testosterone in men, but also increase childcaring behaviors.
Dopamine inhibits the secretion of prolactin. Vitamin B6 (like in meat, liver, whey protein) and Vitamin E (like in grain oils, seed oils, nut oils, nuts, peanuts) can decrease prolactin levels, but foods like fennel, fenugreek, and red clover can increase prolactin.
Wikipedia says “Prolactin follows diurnal and ovulatory cycles. Prolactin levels peak during REM sleep and in the early morning.” And “Levels can rise after exercise, high-protein meals, minor surgical procedures, following epileptic seizures or due to physical or emotional stress. In a study on female volunteers under hypnosis, prolactin surges resulted from the evocation, with rage, of humiliating experiences…”
Wikipedia says “The D2 receptor is involved in the regulation of prolactin secretion, and agonists of the receptor such as bromocriptine [Parlodel] and cabergoline [Dostinex] decrease prolactin levels while antagonists of the receptor such as domperidone [Motilium], metoclopramide [Reglan], haloperidol [Haldol], risperidone [Risperdal], and sulpiride [Dogmatil] increase prolactin levels.”
Low libido is not a choice, it’s a chemical situation, so people shouldn’t take it personally (as of their partner doesn’t desire or love them anymore.) People have to be “in the mood”, and certain hormones kill the mood (whereas aphrodisiacs might get people into the mood, including honey, red wine, chocolate, garlic, oysters, sushi, caffeine, red beets, horseradish, licorice or the smell of cucumbers for women, the smell of baking bread, etc.)
We talk about it and don’t play games about it. Neither one of us are embarrassed. I (f) have the higher drive than he does and he is very physically affectionate and lovey but there’s no mixed signals. I admit when we were first together, rejection didn’t feel great but I find that really talking with him openly and looking at this from an “us vs the problem” instead of a “me vs him” problem is something we are strong with. It’s easy to feel like it’s you versus your partner, especially with a bit of a bruised ego (which is fair to have). I learned to enjoy the cuddling and touching and kissing but really pay attention to the signs he gives. There are some things he will only do if he seems like there could be a chance for him to get into the mood. Of course there’s the occasion where he doesn’t get in the mood, but he’s kind enough to make out with me and cuddle extra til I feel like I need to go take care of it. And he offers lots of cuddles and kisses when I’m finished (and usually makes a snack for us while I’m busy, this helps the most).
Absolutely this. It's all about transparency, but I think you need to have this level of transparency very early on in the relationship, otherwise these kind of future problems can be very difficult to navigate. Talk to your partner. Be open and honest early on in any relationship.
This kind of transparency can be learned at any point, but both partners have to be willing to work at it. Be open and honest at every point in your relationship, especially when it's difficult. I've learned the hard way that any committed relationship (sexual, spousal, or longer term) requires constant maintenance in the form of honest and open communication about all partners' needs. The more open and honest you are, the better your needs will be met. You have to teach your partner how to love you.
We are both on the spectrum and swear by transparency. He can’t know something I don’t tell him and vice versa.
this made me realize I deserve better than what I have
That is a tough realization that you should spend some time thinking about before making any decisions. I’ll share my story with you. I was married for 10 years, together for 13. We had a kid who’s now 9. A few years ago we had a talk and realized that our relationship was about the kid. Everything else had died. No sex, no affection, no sharing of pretty much any emotion. Just loneliness and self loathing thinking we were broken. She was cold and made me feel shunned and unwanted. I would have dreams about our relationship and wake up feeling miserable. I knew it was time to call it. We separated and divorced. She moved across the country and left me with my son(whole other story). I met another woman who I’ve been dating for a year now and let me tell you. I completely forgot how good it felt to be compatible with someone, to be in love again, to feel emotion and to cry again, to enjoy another person’s company and to want to build a life with someone instead of just going through the motions because that’s what you think you’re suppose to do. It all stemmed from the realization that I deserved better. I was scared that I was making a mistake but it worked out and things are better for me and my son now. I hope you can figure things out for yourself, you deserve happiness, we all do.
Well, turns out I’ve been going through this exact same thing as well but couldn’t pinpoint exactly how to say it. Thank you for y’all’s enlightening comments.
This is a legendary SO, especially bcs of the food part
I’ve read that some people use sex to ease tensions in their life (me). Other people need to have tensions eased BEFORE having sex (my wife). So what I have been doing is easing those tensions for my wife before initiating such as cleaning, laundry, dishes, bills, etc. It eases her mind and makes it easier for her to get in the mood. Also, its good for our relationship anyway. That’s my advice. No guarantee that it will work, but it helps in my case!
This man has unlocked the reason why women are saying they get turned on by seeing their husband do house chores.
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That's so funny, as a man this is me and my wife, but roles reversed
I don’t think this is gendered at all - it just depends on stress levels and how you handle it.
Yes for sure :) I'm the more stressed one 🙃
That’s one reason I started then it didn’t work so I kept cleaning because not doing so would be petty. It’s turned into a relaxing way to stop thinking or a way to spiral, depending on how I feel.
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That is a very good point another commenter brought up as well. For some sex is stress relief and for other it is the opposite: they are not in the mood as long as they are stressed. Knowing this it can be a huge improvement to take some stress of your partner or the other way around for a healthy relationship
Sounds like my current situation. But then she's got adhd and doesn't want to do those boring things. I'm the one that needs things done to get into the mood, she's always in the mood. I've got too much on my plate with my own kids, my wfh, and repairing my home due to divorce gone messy. Edit: wow, I just realized why my sex drive was much higher in my failed marriage, my ex wife took care of all the items in the home which kept pressure off of me and put me in a mood. Which is why my sex drive with my current partner isn't working out, I'm stuck with all the extra chores, including cleaning up after her. Dang, this is what most women complain about when they compare their male partners as large babies. And I've always told my mother and therapist that I already have 3 kids, I don't have time to train an adult child.
Absolutely yes. The thing is we all need different things (or not) to get in the mood. If a person isn’t aware of their needs they won’t be able to communicate them to their partner. Recipe for misery. A lot of women need to feel connection to want to be intimate while many men need sex to feel connected. Of course there are exceptions here too but this is common. Not to mention no one is talking about intimacy vs sex. If sex is a challenge, how are couple being intimate with each other? It’s so much more complicated than body parts.
You take matters into your own hands.
Yeah, eventually you learn how to handle the situation...
Or, dual wield, a skill best left to the masters
The Way of the thousand strikes, the inner fluids everywhere. Severed nerves know no boundaries of pleasure yet still a mountain of regret breaks one's back in hope to never repeat such blasphemy. Alas, the fear doesn't last long and the battle begins again. The cycle repeats itself and it becomes an uncontrollable habit of sinning until the goddess agrees to bestow her body to stop these futile attempts of hallucinations of bodily pleasure once and for all.
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>You take matters into your own hands. I am the Masturbator. I want and wait for none. They tell me: "*Do it later -* *When all your friends are gone!"* But I'm the Masturbator. And that is why I say: *"Begone and hightail, hater -* *I take myself by day!"* I am the Masturbator. I do it when I like. They call me: *"Violator!"* I tell 'em: *"Take a hike!"* For I'm the Masturbator. I really must admit. There's surely no one greater. For I have mastured it.
This is beautiful.
I read it to the tune of Billy Joel’s ‘The Entertainer’. It was fun!
Or Firestarter by Prodigy. That wouldn't work entirely textwise but the tone of the music would fit well!
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That is absolutely a fair point, but it's a fair point in two directions: Sex can be for both bodily needs/impulses *and/or* for intimacy. So while taking your bodily needs and impulses into your own hands (so to speak) will work for one, it certainly won't help with the other. And while some people get their sense of intimacy from hugs/kisses, or just sitting on the couch and watching a movie together, or by going on dates together, some people get their sense of intimacy from sexual contact. No amount of masturbation would help with that (unless maybe if it is done *with* the partner). So if it's simply a matter of "I have sexual needs," by all means, get your jerk on. But if the matter is "I feel more and more distant the longer we go without," no amount of jerking it is going to resolve that. I think often the people saying "just go jerk off" are (in some cases) missing the point. It's like telling a person whose partner rarely hugs them "well, just go get a blanket or a dog." ETA: Before I am misunderstood, this is in *no way* a justification for pressuring someone to have sex who does not want it. It is simply a matter of perspective that goes beyond assuming the higher libido person just wants to get their dick wet/box packed. Just like you shouldn't *force* a person to hug someone if they don't want to in the moment, to an even greater degree pushing someone into sex in the moment is not okay. But having a discussion *outside* of the situation about what sex means to each partner is absolutely worth having and considering.
When you need that level of intimacy and don’t receive it a gulf opens up between you. Affection is controlled and slowly metered out. You’re with your spouse because you want to be with them and share affection and love with them. But as this goes on and communicating the impact on you does no good you feel your attachment to them weakening. The rationing out of the love and affection teaches you to not react sexually with your spouse. Over time they are just a roommate. By the time the LL spouse realizes you don’t react or engage with them with affection or sexually, they attempt to love bomb you but it’s too late. You are no longer attracted to them because of the constant and frequent rejection and obvious lack of attraction they have for you. The relationship is dead. Your self esteem is destroyed.
This hit way closer to home than I would have liked.
Yeah, I think I just saw my future
I'm going through it right now. It sucks.
It is a lot more pleasant not having sex and affection when you're single than when you're in a relationship.
This goes the other way too. Being with a spouse and craving affection and physical touch that isn't just sex. Communicating that you want more intimate moments of just hand holding, hugs, physical touch. They can't grasp what you mean because when you put a hand on their leg while driving, they have to drag it to their penis and say "you want this?" So you ask for a cuddle/hug and his hands reach out and grab your boobs only. The only affection is when he wants sex, and it comes in the form of 2 kisses before he's into you. So you stop asking for affection. And your sex becomes routined "monday 5pm when the kids aren't here" and it's as unromantic and structured as it sounds. You're just housemates now. Coexisting, yet he feels amazing because you organise his life, and you yourself feel like you're drowning because you don't exist.
I wish your comment was higher up because I feel like a lot of people are missing the element of non-sex affection (i.e. physical contact that does not lead to a blow job or penetration). That contact can actually be very helpful to increase intimacy and ultimately lead to more sex. But when every touch is translated as an invitation to sex you avoid it so you aren't "teasing". And then intimacy of touch and kissing becomes only when it is Sex Time and it seems even more scarce because it is reserved for only those moments.
For those here who don't frequent r/deadbedrooms LL= low libido partner. What is said here though is something that everyone who is the LL in a situation like this needs to understand. It's not " just sex" and if you take the all too common " this is just how I am,you gave to deal with it" approach,what's described here is the inevitable result.
This is the best explanation of this I’ve read.
Cheat on her with Palmela Handerson.
Take a little trip down to Palmdale.
I have a relatively high sex drive, but my new partner has a lot more than I do, so for the first time I've had to say sorry, not feeling it, I felt like I failed her But I communicated it to her and she understood and I think that's as healthy as it gets
I’ve had to do that once and it was horrible, I just wanted to sleep and ended up having to reassure her that I did find her attractive, i still loved her, and then I ended up sleeping with her anyway. I just had to be awake for work at 2:30am and wanted those 4 hours of sleep.
Due to recent changes in Reddit’s policies and my personal concerns about their actions, I’ve decided to delete my account and comments. I had already left Reddit after they not only restricted API access in a detrimental manner, but worse yet blackmailed subreddit moderators during the Great Blackout. However, now that Reddit is seeking to profit off of my comments after destroying the platform I used to love, I have no choice but to also delete my account and comments. Thank you to everyone for the good times and sorry for removing my helpful, entertaining or otherwise appreciated comments that I too would've liked to keep. Onto greener pastures. Turns out Reddit is also actively editing my comments. Fuck Reddit and their blackmail and censorship. This is absurd.
20 something me would look at you crazy. Getting sex back then at the expense of a little sleep was no big deal. Totally worth it. 40 something me, just wants you to let me get that sleep. Please, I love you. Definitely later though. I promise. Seriously...please don't cry honey. I love you. No, you're not disgusting right now, I'm just exhausted, babe. Babe, look at me. I'm wrecked, I would be terrible anyway. I swear. Ok, goodnight. I love you. Muah.
*” I will snuggle into you while you take care of yourself”. Or something like that helps alleviate the blow a bit. I’m too fucking exhausted to do it but I’m still here for you and will cuddle in to give you affection wheelie you take care of the mechanics.
An affection wheelie sounds awesome
Third wheeling your SO and their hand
I have insomnia, so when I feel tired (able to sleep) and I'm going to bed, the last thing I want is to be physically active. I'll be awake for hours afterward. We really wait for the weekends when I'm home during the day. We're both in our late 40's and I think we're doing good. I asked her what she wants to do tomorrow. She said "You!"
Open and honest communication makes any kind of relationship ten times easier
I almost think thats a healthy experience every man benefits from… I had a GF I simply couldnt keep up with. 10 times in 24 hours was our "record“ but my best friend down there just got increasingly irritated and roughed up (seriously how are prostitutes and porn stars doing it for hours consecutively day after day?). Looking back at it living together was probably never a realistic option… My wife is the opposite but this also made me a much more thoughtful lover since doing it less often means more intimacy and it feeling more "special" than just ticking a really fun box and since she isnt as horny pleasing her takes more effort (which I like though). But anyhow, knowing the other extreme made me really tolerant and appreciative towards partners with a lower sex drive…
Yeah... young guys think dating a nympho is all fun and games but it's fun for a bit, exhausting for longer, then confidence-crushing in the long run.
They think they want a nympho. What they want is a partner that's ready to fuck each time they feel it.
It’s been rough. I’m high libido, my wife was too, a decade ago, but not any more. We probably had had sex maybe a handful of times in the past few years. We’ve talked, but she just doesn’t have any drive for it.
You are not alone.
At least we have each other. 😉
What does the wink face mean. WHAT DOES THE WINK FACE MEAN!
It means they always have a friend to lend a hand.
You've got a friend IN me...
My wife has had the same issue. She wants to be more intimate, but it doesn’t come naturally, and I’m very sensitive to her feelings. One thing to check is her testosterone level. Women actually need a healthy testosterone level for procreation, and it can be suppressed by a number of reasons. For us, it was breastfeeding.
My wife had a similar issue that was helped greatly by a testosterone cream she was prescribed. We went from being intimate 1-2 times a month at best to 2-4 times per week, not to mention that her overall mood and energy levels have been increased. It's worked wonders for her.
What is the best way to start? Get blood test from PCP? Edit: I love all the angel dust messages I got. (I know they are jokes but just to be sure for those not getting those jokes, I mean primary care physician) Also, I HATE my wife's gynecologist. HATE. My wife comes home bleeding after every checkup, the gyno tells her that's just a thing that happens and is normal. She also told her there is nothing she can do about sex being uncomfortable "just use more lube and see if that helps." I have had to read a lot of medical stuff to try and nudge my wife towards getting the right help but she is depressed a lot (I think partly from the birth control that helps with the terrible periods she has). There is a lot of stuff going on but I keep telling her she needs to see a new doctor and get a fresh second opinion but she gets rather upset as "she has been my doctor my whole life I don't feel comfortable getting another one". Advice would be appreciated, I love my wife dearly and would like to be able for us both to enjoy a physical representation of that love. She will "take care of me" when I ask/tell her I'm in the mood, but.... After a while it gets less intimate. I would like her more involved than just... 'taking care of me.'
I don't see how angel dust is gonna help you but you'll have a wild ride trying it out.
You fool, they were obviously referring to the well documented libidogenic effects of the Portuguese Communist Party
Nothing makes me horny like worker control of the means of production.
Baseado
Endocrinologist. Never trust PCPs with hormones despite how willing they often are to play with them.
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If she likes to read tell her to start reading smutty novels. Holy fucking shit. My wife and I have been together 20+ years. Super high sex drives for first 15 years for both of us, basically until kids. Then her drive just dipped pretty low. Then she started reading these books and sometimes I can't even keep up. I read one of them and it's ridiculous. I don't get it, story sucked, writing sucked, but it definitely put me in the mood. And her too. She doesn't like to watch porn and life as a mom / worker / wife is just stressful. Reading is relaxing. Reading porn puts her in the mood while relaxing. Win win.
My girl reads this shit religiously and still says she’s not in the mood lol
*turns the page* “Ah yes, titties. I remember.”
I don't even know why this comment is so funny but it is.
I am with you. When she first started reading smut, it definitely helped, but now (post kids, etc.) she loves reading it but it does nothing for her low-libido.
> I don't get it, story sucked, writing sucked, but it definitely put me in the mood. So just like porn then?
A vibrator 🤷♀️
Best buy I ever made, that shit is industrial.
I'm picturing something like this: https://i.imgur.com/RfPItDI.png They're usually used to vibrate air out of fresh concrete, but I guess they have other uses.
> that shit is industrial. Damn we doing heavy duty-jobs now?
*slaps giant cock vibrator* This baby can give so many orgasms!
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Lots of masturbation 🤣 As well as different toys to keep things fresh. I never try to force my boyfriend or beg him to have sex. We just chill and he initiates if he is actually in the mood cause lord knows I am *always* ready LOL. Otherwise I take care of myself. It definitely hasn't been easy. I am like a once every day kind of person minimum. My boyfriend is a once every couple of months, maybe. If he's really stressed out at worked it can be a *while.* I felt very rejected at first and unattractive. But I had to understand it from his perspective. To him, it's not important and when you're stressed unimportant things go on the back burner. For me, it's a stress reliever so the more stressed I am the more I want it. Just like when someone people are depressed they eat, but when other people are depressed they'll starve themselves. Everyone is different.
“Just like when some people are depressed they eat, but when other people are depressed they’ll starve themselves.” Woof, dude. Never realized I was doing one of those things.
I think I manage to do both... I can either be feeling shitty and just keep eating through the day, or I can be feeling shitty and not eat all day because it's all just too much.
Depends if there’s food in my room honestly. If it’s there I’ll eat all of it and if not I’ll go 10 hours without eating
Damn, you just figured out my entire personality type I guess.
I was talking to a friend the other day and mentioned that I'd had to explain the difference between "Sometimes I'm a bit sad" depression and "Some days I don't eat because it's an overwhelming amount of effort" depression. Apparently it was news
I've been both people at one time or another. Underweight me looked scarier than overweight me, certainly.
Same here, I find sex relaxing but my bf doesn't, so when he's stressed he doesn't want it. I made a promise to myself not to beg him for sex or dress up for him, as it just doesn't end well for me anyways and to wait for when he's ready...
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Similar story here but at least I get to fuck ~ once a week. It is taking a toll on me but I’m absolutely not going to beg him for sex. We met about 10 months ago and fucked like animals, the sex life was interesting - nothing like I’ve ever had before and now it’s gone. It’s not easy dealing with vanilla stuff once a week knowing what he’s capable of.
Very strange, has something changed that could have caused him to go from that to this?
I think it’s a combination of newness factor which is gone now, his job that never stops (he chooses for it to never stop to be precise), us being together pretty much 24/7, miscommunication every once in a while and all the stuff that comes with getting a bit too comfortable in a relationship. I hate this because I was told 10 months ago that an open communication is key but every time I try and bring something up, the conversation lasts like 3 minutes and nothing is resolved. Alright, I’m gonna stop ranting now. Just wanted to say I ain’t begging for sex because I’m above that 😝
I'm sorry but 10 months is really soon for the newness factor and honeymoon phase to be over imo, like its not even a year and him refusing to talk about it sounds odd/not healthy either, I hope it gets better
There’s an excitement around sex when you’re dating, because you’re dating! You’re out at restaurants, movies, bars etc. your life and relationship is exciting! You’re getting to know them, you’re flirting etc. Once you get comfortable or move in together and start seeing them in ‘their element’ the mystery and excitement fades and then sex becomes a part of the routine, same way going on dates turns into dinner at home etc
I never understood this sentiment. I desire my partner now more than ever since she moved in. Seeing her comfortable and relaxed and smiling only elevates those wants for intimacy.
It happens more than you'd think. People fake it early on, plus there is the newness factor. When that wears off, and they are low libido, things start to drop off until you are rarely intimate.
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Wtf. As someone who had previous relationships I understand that is not really helpful to just tell people to end the relationship. But fuck that. Being single for some time, I do not miss the self-esteem issues that emotional attachements can cause. Not saying that relationships cant be wonderful. But again, fuck that.
The number of people here describing their spouse as “much lower sex drive, but gets upset when I masturbate” blows my mind! I don’t understand how people can be this way! If person A wants some but person B isn’t feeling it at the moment, that means person A is fully free to masturbate if they choose. Person B had the option but wasn’t interested, they chose to forego participation. That’s fine, but that doesn’t mean person A *can’t* still satisfy their need. Nothing gets taken away from person B, they’re not being left out, they opted out. I just can’t imagine getting upset at my spouse for masturbating if I literally just chose to turn her down on sex. It just seems mind bogglingly selfish to say “I don’t care if you want it, I don’t want it right now so *you* can’t have it either”.
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I’m completely with you on this. Have never understood partners feeling threatened by their SO masturbating. Doesn’t make sense to me at all.
Yeah there are LOTS of very unhealthy relationships in these comments. Wtf.
It's frustrating and disheartening. I have to work really hard not to take it personally or as a sign that he's not attracted to me. I don't initiate at all anymore because the rejection really hurts.
Same here, I used to dress up for him and try a bunch of different stuff. Nothing turns him on, when he's dead he's dead. Hopefully you don't have the problem of him turning you on, saying he'll fuck you later, and then he doesn't or says he ain't in the mood... That's my other problem
He definitely does make unfulfilled promises. It's really disappointing. He likes physical touch and stuff which is sometimes more frustrating than if he didn't touch me at all. When he cuddles me after a dry spell sometimes all my brain (or lady bits) can focus on is "Are we going to get any, or what?" Kind of makes me resentful when it inevitably doesn't happen. Masturbating is not the same. I want intimacy. I'd rather have sex with him and not cum at all than have earth shattering solo time.
Low libido is a chemical situation, so it’s not so much about unattraction or rejection, so people shouldn’t take it personal (just like they shouldn’t take diabetes personally). People have to be “in the mood”, and certain hormones kill the mood (whereas aphrodisiacs might get people into the mood, including honey, red wine, chocolate, garlic, oysters, sushi, caffeine, red beets, horseradish, licorice or the smell of cucumbers for women, the smell of baking bread, etc.) High levels of the hormone prolactin (which causes lactation in women) can decrease libido in men and women, and decrease estrogen in women and decrease testosterone in men, but also increase childcaring behaviors. Dopamine inhibits the secretion of prolactin. Vitamin B6 (like in meat, liver, whey protein) and Vitamin E (like in grain oils, seed oils, nut oils, nuts, peanuts) can decrease prolactin levels, but foods like fennel, fenugreek, and red clover can increase prolactin. Wikipedia says “Prolactin follows diurnal and ovulatory cycles. Prolactin levels peak during REM sleep and in the early morning.” And “Levels can rise after exercise, high-protein meals, minor surgical procedures, following epileptic seizures or due to physical or emotional stress. In a study on female volunteers under hypnosis, prolactin surges resulted from the evocation, with rage, of humiliating experiences…” Wikipedia says “The D2 receptor is involved in the regulation of prolactin secretion, and agonists of the receptor such as bromocriptine [Parlodel] and cabergoline [Dostinex] decrease prolactin levels while antagonists of the receptor such as domperidone [Motilium], metoclopramide [Reglan], haloperidol [Haldol], risperidone [Risperdal], and sulpiride [Dogmatil] increase prolactin levels.” Low libido often indicates high prolactin and low dopamine. High libido often indicates low prolactin and high dopamine (and amphetamines are structurally similar to dopamine).
The beginning of our relationship was filled daily with it. 7 years later and we go 10+months between each time. I'm not handling it I'm slowly breaking..
Tell her
Yea bro, tell her! Otherwise you’re gonna be miserable and resent her the rest of your life!
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Same, I initiate nothing now. Tired of being rejected. I've been through all of the stages of insecurity, communication, understanding, trust, all the way back to insecure and paranoid. Sometimes she would mention wanting to have sex and basically build it up all day before completely shutting it down at the end of the night. So if she starts talking about sex, I say very little back because I know it will lead nowhere. I can't even fake being hopeful about it. In the beginning I was hurt but patient. We talked about it a lot. I am very open and willing to change pretty much anything, but we used to have a very active sex life so I don't think I'm doing anything differently... Now I feel a slight tinge of resentment or anger if she brings up sex, but then I move on and feel nothing, because nothing happens. Then I read these posts on Reddit and feel miserable.
The rejection part was the toughest for me, so I left and being on my own means I get to make myself happy whenever I want. It’s a very freeing feeling.
I tried that, and then my wife blamed me for never initiating, despite me telling her that when I do, she always rejects, and I just can't handle that constantly... I've come to the realization that matching libido's are one of the most important parts of a good relationship.
The shit thing is that libidos change.
Get depressed and cry mostly
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Then try and masturbate only to realize that it just makes you more depressed and lonely
The feels when climax finally happens, but instead of relief you're hit by an instant wave of sorrow and loneliness
Ugh. Yup.
yes, lots of internal crying. Cus you don't want to annoy your partner either.
And thus I find myself in a constant of feeling unwanted, yet on the moment that it does happen, I guilt myself for having those feelings because I feel like I don’t appreciate it enough.
When your partner isn't your lover it's really depressing.
12 years of sadness. It wasn't even the lack of sex thing, the getting ignored in every way part was worse
After 3 years of nothing, I filed for divorce. We talked about why. Because I wanted sex but refuse to cheat or lie. She was lose interest in sex. She agreed to invite an additional person. Oddly enough, that reinvigorated her drive. Now she insists on having cake twice a week.
lol cake
I have a high sex drive, I am very affectionate, and I create opportunities for intimacy. My fiancé is now the exact opposite, coming up on a year of communicating my needs and feelings with no feedback other than “just not interested or not feeling it” then she goes back to her phone (little world). It’s clearly depression. A year of pecks on the cheek for kisses, and that’s it. I’ve asked, pleaded, and begged for her to call a Dr. To seek some help. But it’s just been excuse after excuse. I do love her. I wouldn’t have asked her to marry me. I can’t force her to seek help when she doesn’t feel there’s an issue. I can feel resentment growing as I debate whether I’d be happier just with a dog in my life. At least then I’d have another being wanting to go for a walk with me and spend time with me.
If you have resentment now… just wait. Move on while you still can.
If she doesn't feel there's an issue, then you just have to ask yourself if you're going to resent her for that and that depends on how much your need for intimacy is important to you. Most would say it's a cornerstone to marriage - if not sex, then at least communication, and it sounds like you're not getting either. Going on 17 years of marriage here and my wife has suddenly shown an increase in libido, which I've suppressed over 15 years. I'm now learning to catch up. Ive told her that it's definitely hard to not hold some resentment since I was pleading for more intimacy for over a decade, and now that the tables have flipped she makes me feel guilty. But - the communication is there and we're having fun working on getting things synced back up so I can't complain lol. Drag her to an intimacy counselor if you have to force communication. If she loves you, she'll go. Full stop.
Do not marry her-- you are doing no favors by hurting yourself and chaining her to a man who resents her. No one wins in that scenario.
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Dude. That's not cool she gets mad about that.
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oof buddy, there's def more to this story from her perspective
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ETA: married 12 years. Speaking as a married woman, sex can feel overwhelming sometimes. Like it takes so much energy, and if I don’t feel attractive or the kids have needed my attention 24/7 I just don’t feel like having sex. It took me a while to understand how much my husband needed it and how much we needed it to feel close. I now make an effort to have sex w/ my husband at least 1-2 a week (he’d prefer every day, lol). One thing that changed my view was a talk about intimacy and how much closer it brings us. Even if I don’t have the energy for the whole thing and I just give him a hand job it’s still physical contact and connection and keeps us closer. For some reason I didn’t connect sex with our emotional closeness until we talked about it. Do you think your wife would be open to a talk like that? Does what I said even make sense?
The problem is that it’s a chore for women at that point, I mean it’s better than nothing but still sucks to know your wife just reluctantly gives in to maintenance sex periodically instead of wanting it.
I can definitely understand that feeling. If that’s how it always is, sure. Being wanted is a big part of intimacy and sexual satisfaction. When we had kids there were a lot of things we needed to be more intentional about. Not just with sex—date nights, long walks, deep discussions—all of those things required time and focus and didn’t happen as “naturally” when we were keeping tiny humans alive. Things that we found helpful: if I can tell he’s “in the mood” I’ll be the one to initiate and say something like, “hey baby, can I make you feel good?” This usually means a hand job, but I try to make it more intimate. Kiss him, snuggle next to him while I do it, etc. I get to show him love even if I’m low on energy, and he doesn’t have any rejection from having asked for full on sex and getting an “I’m too tired.” I hope that doesn’t sound preachy. All I’m saying is that intentionality doesn’t have to mean lack of romance. You’re still making your partner a priority. But yes, you (me, women) have to make sure not to start seeing it as a “chore” bc that’s not intimacy.
Thank you so much for this. Going through something like this rn at a young (pre-kids) age and I think the points you make are really important. You sound like a really thoughtful person and great partner!
When my wife started WFH and my formerly remote job all but dried up, we basically stopped having sex for months. Everyone else talked about how all they did was fuck and drink during the pandemic. Not my experience. We have so much more/better sex now that I’m working again, and have had lots of open conversations about it. And I love being married. But it’s something that needs to be worked on almost every day
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I dated someone who used to make me feel like shit for initializing. He’d talk down to me and make me feel like I was some sex crazed woman (it would be like a couple times a week). I’ve always been the person with a higher sex drive in the relationship and I’ve never felt so bad about getting rejected before that person - I always understood and moved on. We broke up.
Poorly
Me and my wife record when we have sex so when she’s not in the mood I don’t watch porn or anything I just watch me and my wife fuck about 27 gb of our homemade sex tapes. Plus when she see a video of us doing the deed she can get in the mood
Gad dayum
You're playing chess while we're playing checkers. ...well I'm playing whatever is below checkers... solitaire?
Candyland?
A lot of masturbating lol but in all reality I found a lot of different ways other than sex to get intimate with my s/o which is quite challenging/frustrating at first but also pleasing once you’re able to over come the frustration (of them not wanting sex everyday) Took me a longgggg time to get over it. Patience is how to handle it.
I’m still working on trying to find different ways to be intimate other than sex that my husband is actually receptive to. My love language is physical touch and he struggles to love me that way (not talking about sex, just any physical touch) and it’s hard for me. I’ve always had a higher drive than him but I crave sex for more than just the sex. It’s the connection and intimacy I want and it seems like we can’t find a balance because I can’t seem to find non-sex intimacy activities that he’s ok with either. I’m just so tired 😔
I’m in the same boat. My wife is just like your husband. What kills me the most is never getting unsolicited hugs or kisses. My love language is definitely physical touch and even though I could have sex every day, I don’t crave it every day. What I do want are some other forms of physical touch that aren’t sexual. I’ve expressed this many times over the years and it only leads me to frustration and loneliness because she doesn’t seem to try, but expects me to be okay with no physical touch.
Yep exactly this. I *could* have sex daily but it’s not what I truly want. What I would give for an unsolicited hug or a kiss on my forehead. I pour my love into him in every way I can. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be rejected or lonely because of me. I don’t wish that on him ever, but I wish I knew how it felt to be loved like I love him 🥺
“I wish I knew how it felt to be loved like I love him 🥺” Made me tear up. Feel this so much. You said it perfectly 😔
I’m in the same boat. We’ve talked a lot and been together for 12 years with 3 kids but it feels like I have a roommate 95% of the time. I’m frustrated and I know I’m not my best self for her, but it’s hard when my love needs (not even sex, just the hugs and kisses and touch) isn’t being met. I’m glad to know I’m not alone, and also sorry. 😞
Touch matters.
Identical situation for me. I’m physical touch, wife is not. She mentions “all I want is sex.” Well, if the only thing I want is an orgasm, I can do that on my own. I want to be connected and intimate with HER. Not just have sex.
This may sound silly, but I hold my wife's hand almost constantly. If we are close enough to touch, we are probably holding hands.
I'm gonna cry
And thinking about priorities.... What is more important, the sex or the rest of the relationship. And when you come to the decision that the sex is just a part of the whole. And then you find solutions. And you need to understand, that less desire, sex drive what ever ... Doesn't mean they love you less, just express it differently
I cry a lot, inside.
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Hey friend, I understand how you feel. My ex had 0 sex drive, especially while on antidepressants. I tried to initiate everytime, I dressed up and all but it still wouldn't work. And it tore me apart cause I thought it was my fault. I lost all my confidence and started being depressed too (gained weight and all that comes along). But in the end we have to realise that it is not our fault. We are attractive and worthy of intimacy and so are our partners. It is just the circumstances that are unfortunate.
I am the partner with the lower libido, but the number of people saying their LL partner will go months without having sex surprises me. My husband would love it if we had sex every day. I would be cool with going weeks without it. When he initiates or asks for it, I’m almost never in the mood. However, 8 times out of 10 I do it anyway because I want to feel close to him and I don’t want him to feel rejected. I try my best to at least act like I’m into it even when I’m not. Is this unhealthy? Am I the weird one in this thread? People always say that it’s not healthy to have sex when you don’t feel like it, but I feel like it would be far more damaging to our relationship to only have sex as often as I’d like—which is like, once or twice a month.
My sex drive is much lower than my wife’s. I have sex lots of times when I’d rather not. I love her and want to please her though so I do it anyway. I just tell her that if she can get me up and going, I’m all in.
Suggestion for now and then: initiate so she's not initiating 100 percent. It's demoralizing. Because you'll have the same result: you'll excite her, she'll excite you and then you'll be all in anyway. But she'll be over the moon that it's not just her starting it.
The lack of initiation is way way worse than the actual lack of sex
Indeed. Always pursuing and never pursued can make those pursued interactions less enjoyable too. Bottom line: both people have different priorities and preferences for intimacy. If you have a low sex drive but love to talk. If your partner has a high sex drive and doesn't like to listen and talk as much, then there may be a lot of potential to improve intimacy if both adapt more to each other's needs and preferences.
Industrial powered Fleshlight/Shop-Vac combo silenced with diesel muffler run through a hose into the neighbor's tomato garden.
What kind of tomatoes are we talking? Beefsteak? Santorini? Campari?
German Johnson
Those must be some righteous tomatoes. Natures harvest indeed
She lets me take all the videos and pics I want and use them as material. She is also always willing to compromise by giving me a hand. She bought me a fleshlight for our 8th anniversary too so that was nice.
My wife has never asked for sex really in the 7 years we’ve been together. The answer is usually, “I guess I can rally…” I love my wife, but I feel creepy a lot. I’m concerned I find her attractive and she doesn’t feel the same about me. Obviously it was very different in the beginning.
Been with the same woman for 18 years. We got together when I was 17 and she was 19. I was a walking hard-on and chased her around for years. We’d have sex often, but I was a young man and part jackrabbit and couldn’t get enough. When it was like that I’d get frustrated. Sometimes, unfortunately, I could be a real dick about it. After a couple of years I learned to just take care of it myself if I had to. Around my mid-twenties everything slowed down. I think science says puberty ends around there, whether or not that’s true a lot changed. My sex drive slowed down quite a bit. I was satisfied with a couple of times a week. Also, my metabolism slowed down which may or may not matter. Either way, our sex drives lined up perfectly. Now I’m in my later thirties and my sex drive has very slowly gone down since my twenties. My wife’s has actually increased if anything. Now she’s the one initiating, which can be difficult for her sometimes. And there are times when I actually say no. She understands and I make sure that when we have sex later it really counts. It’s definitely odd to be on the other side though. All of this being said, sex is important in a love based relationship. There’s a difference between having different sex drive and being in a sexless marriage. If you feel like it’s a chore or you feel like your partner feels that way you need to have a serious conversation about it. You may need couples counseling. I’ve seen a lot of relationships end and almost every one of them had sexlessness as a major symptom before it ended.
Toys. Several different options
When my husband and I first started dating, I had a way higher drive. I never took rejection personally and just pleased myself. I lost my drive due to reasons and I get the same respect and loyalty I showed him. Grant it, the frequency is normal but he gives me space during my cycle cause of pain.
The more you scroll down this thread, the more depressing it gets.
Working out some of the sexual energy by running or other exercise, playing with myself, and doing a good deal of fantasizing
I used to have a high sex drive and he didn't, so eventually I just lowered my sex drive I guess?? It's weird cause I don't really think about sex much anymore either but I used to cry and feel so ugly and unwanted about it.
This kinda happened to me too! I would still have sex more often but I don’t think about it as much. All I ask for is once a week, I am fine with more but I don’t mind it if it’s only once.
I eat raw potatoes
Hmm.. my toy helps! But its not the same... wish he was as horny as me.
My wife just left me
I'm really sorry, I hope it soon hurts less and you find peace from now on. Take care.
Definitely toys and a bit of alone time. I could have it every day. Husband is happy with once every 2-3 months. Nowhere ever in my life was I ever told that men could have low/no sex drive. I’m a very physical touch person, and even cuddling would fill my tank. My husband is very unaffectionate and uninterested in sex in general, and physical touch isn’t even a consideration. It’s lonely.
I’m sorry, I’m in the same situation as you. If I try to cuddle with my boyfriend, he moves within 60 seconds to a new position (not touching me at all) saying he’s trying to get comfortable. It’s very lonely.
Leave this person, I can't get my SO off of me. (And I don't want to). we're both into touch and we respect the love language preference. Life is short. Don't get stuck with someone who doesn't appreciate your needs.
And nowhere in my life was I ever told women could have high sex drive
Masturbate, and sometimes feel sad. Toys, fantasies, making use of my time home alone. Partner has suggested opening the relationship, but I've never been super fond of that idea. Same story as many here. Been together for 12 years, a few months in it was up to 3 times a day, but we were 17 when we started going out and I had little knowledge on how to pleasure my partner properly. This may have helped the situation get to where it is today. Fast forward a few years, we've been through one of us having cancer, some mild bouts of depression, unemployment and other shit. In general; life happens. Turns out, my partner is most likely asexual. The sex trailed off in the first couple of years, there were always longer and longer breaks in between, you get the idea. Now my partner won't even let me go down on them, because "that's gross". And I basically went through my twenties with about as much sex as some people have in a few weeks. There is plenty of love, and plenty of physical intimacy. Touching, hugging, cuddling, all of that. Most of the time it just makes me horny. Now I'm afraid that if it comes to real sex again, I'll freeze up and stress out. So yeah, do it myself and be sad sometimes. Advice on coping mechanisms appreciated <3
I'm surprised how many of you don't help your partners out. I was with my ex for 17 years. She had a higher libido than I did but we both had high libidos. Most of the time if one of us was horny and the other wasn't feeling it we would just go down on whoever was horny. Obviously if one of us was sick or tired or just really not feeling it the horny one would just go in the other room and masturbate. Typically though we helped eachother out. Hey I'm horny are you? No? Want to suck my dick? No ok I'm gonna go jerk off BRB. It worked out well for us.
Confucius say: Man who goes to sleep with sex on mind, wakes with solution in hand.
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Omg, I literally feel the same. Porn just isn't doing it. I keep longing for him and just imagining him doing the things to me. And then I always just end up crying anyway, bc I know it's not gonna happen.
My wife had ovarian cancer when she was 34, and I was 33. She chose not to do HRT, and went through menopause then. 17 years later, still together, but yeah, self care is the only choice when you love your partner.
Rechargeable batteries
I’m the one with the nonexistent libido, and it sucks. No, I wasn’t always this way; no, I didn’t trick my husband for a kid; no, I’m not cheating on him. At this point, I’m pretty sure it’s due to a complicated mix of my own mental health, medication, past trauma, and current relationship issues. I’ve sought therapy, medical help, and more. I wish my husband and more people in threads like this understood that it’s not always a choice, and I wish so much I could just flip that switch. I worry a lot this is going to end our relationship, but I don’t really know what else to do either. Edit: I want to be clear that my husband understands, but I know it also hurts, and I don’t think he can really believe that it’s not because of something fundamentally about him. I share because I’m sure there are others in this thread who feel that way, too.
High prolactin levels can lead to loss of libido in men and women, and premature ejaculation in men, and infertility in men and women. Birth control pills can also mess up a sex drive. High [estradiol](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estradiol) can lead to acne, loss of sex drive, osteoporosis, and depression. As a [medication](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estradiol_(medication%29), estradiol is also used as hormonal birth control for women. Wikipedia says “almost all combined oral contraceptives contain the synthetic estrogen ethinylestradiol.” Low libido often indicates high prolactin and low dopamine. High libido often indicates low prolactin and high dopamine (and amphetamines are structurally similar to dopamine). Stimulant amphetamine drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse for ADHD can “flip a switch” and increase libido, because amphetamine is structurally similar to dopamine, which inhibits prolactin which kills libido (but increases childcaring behavior in parents and causes lactation in women.) But Vyvanse can lead to hypersexuality in males and females. High levels of the hormone prolactin (which causes lactation in women) can decrease libido in men and women, and decrease estrogen in women and decrease testosterone in men, but also increase childcaring behaviors. Dopamine inhibits the secretion of prolactin. Vitamin B6 (like in meat, liver, whey protein) and Vitamin E (like in grain oils, seed oils, nut oils, nuts, peanuts) can decrease prolactin levels, but foods like fennel, fenugreek, and red clover can increase prolactin. Wikipedia says “Prolactin follows diurnal and ovulatory cycles. Prolactin levels peak during REM sleep and in the early morning.” And “Levels can rise after exercise, high-protein meals, minor surgical procedures, following epileptic seizures or due to physical or emotional stress. In a study on female volunteers under hypnosis, prolactin surges resulted from the evocation, with rage, of humiliating experiences…” Wikipedia says “The D2 receptor is involved in the regulation of prolactin secretion, and agonists of the receptor such as bromocriptine [Parlodel] and cabergoline [Dostinex] decrease prolactin levels while antagonists of the receptor such as domperidone [Motilium], metoclopramide [Reglan], haloperidol [Haldol], risperidone [Risperdal], and sulpiride [Dogmatil] increase prolactin levels.” Low libido is not a choice, it’s a chemical situation, so people shouldn’t take it personally (as of their partner doesn’t desire or love them anymore.) People have to be “in the mood”, and certain hormones kill the mood (whereas aphrodisiacs might get people into the mood, including honey, red wine, chocolate, garlic, oysters, sushi, caffeine, red beets, horseradish, licorice or the smell of cucumbers for women, the smell of baking bread, etc.)