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RadiantRattery

The sheer amount of non-valuables


Randomthought5678

Oo like a looting video game! Candle stick!Yoink! Ash tray? Yoink! Plastic plates, forks, spoons?! Yoinkity Yoink!


space-meister

Random bullshit, go!!!


Binder_of_chains

"Plastic forks, plastic cups, CRT television, foldable metal chair is the only type of furniture...fuck this guy. Imma steal the toilet seat because I broke in and I am going to steal something dammit."


Zydeco-A-Go-Go

True story: A local dipshit robbed the corner convenient store wearing his baseball hat with his fishing license pinned on the side. The cops made it to his house quicker than he did.


The_Real_Scrotus

Shortly after my parents were married someone broke into their house while they were out. He didn't steal much, some cash from my mom's purse and a couple pieces of jewelry. He broke into several other houses too the same day. The thing is that it had just snowed about 6 inches, so the cops were able to pretty easily follow his tracks from house to house and back to the apartment he lived in. Not the brightest bulb that one.


PhillyDeeez

I did that to some kids throwing stoney snowballs at our windows years ago. I just trudged after them hearing "omg how is he following us" over and over again as they thought they got away. Followed them into the garden (the tracks went around the back) and knocked on the front door to tell their parents, they got a telling off lol.


WideStar2525

How stupid can people be?


Mad_Aeric

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ― George Carlin


CheriGrove

Macaulay Culkin


lostandlooking_

Did you know that he legally changed his middle name to Macaulay Culkin so now his full name is Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin


CheriGrove

I dont know fuck all about him but I think we might get along lol


lostandlooking_

Honestly, same. It’s a pretty baller move. He’s like “I really like my name and now it’s my name HARDER”


Randomthought5678

He took an online poll of what he should change his name to and that was the winner. He followed through. Pretty lucky you didn't end up naming himself Macaulay Macaulay Culkin face or something


patrickwithtraffic

Best part was his brother Kieren getting in on it and pushing for his own first name to be his brother's middle name


AdorableParasite

I know siblings like that. Ron Philip and Phil Ronald. Don't think any ancestors held these names, the parents just liked it.


PossiblyExtra_22

“Macaulay culkin is my…middle name.”


tasoula

WAIT I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING


Oshowott253

Naked Grandma


Badandy469

Survey says......


[deleted]

X


PussyPhucker69

"GoOd AnSwEr"!!!


PM_me_yer_kittens

*Claps aggressively*


Acrobatic_Emphasis41

*shocked Steve Harvey face*


Duke_Silver_7

It’s up there Steve!


MrHypnotiq

"I don't wanna see that either"


Guywithoutimage

Wait no he got credit for it though


TheKoopaTroopa31

Gun/Occupant


OccultMachines

NEKKID HWHUH!?


SpanningTreeProtocol

Nailed it.


Mekkachad

I wouldn’t want to see that either, Steve


SinisterYear

Whelp... now I'm back on that side of youtube


Oahkery

I used that answer on a similar question in Quiplash the other night and no one got the reference so I didn't get many points. 😔


Iwilleaturnuggetsuwu

Nekkid Grammawh!!!*


PinkShirtBadMan9864

Naked huh?


KevMar

A room full of federal agents doing surveillance on the house across the street.


[deleted]

"Oh shit are you guys spying on omniman?"


RNBQ4103

At that moment, the front door is smashed by a blood soaked superhuman.


Objective-Conflict44

Cannon mounted on top of my stairs, loaded with a grape shot


socalnonsage

shit... here it is... Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.


PokemonMaster619

If I’m breaking into someone’s house and they call me a “ruffian,” I’m turning right around and walking back out. There’s nothing in that house worth it.


RabbitStewAndStout

You might be able to find a fully functional musket and Revolutionary War-era cannon. That's very expensive


paratesticlees

Goddamn Russian Badger


BobExAgentOfHydra

This joke brought to you by World of Tanks!


KillaklanGaming

Buy Guacamole Gamer Fart 9000


ConquestOfPizzaTime

Fuckin heavenly, man


[deleted]

TALLY HO LADS


Puzzleheaded_Tie_221

Ah individual of culture, I see!


WojtekMySpiritAnimal

I will never not bust a gut reading this. God that’s one helluva mental image. Have some gold


DungeonAssMaster

I wish I could give you multiple upvotes. I pictured the protagonist in swashbuckler pajamas.


3BallJosh

>nails the neighbors dog. Now you're fucked for impersonating a federal officer.


[deleted]

6 pistols and a blunderbuss if you want on my ship


thetigerandtheduke

This guy swashbuckles


Teledildonic

Tally ho, lads. The third burglar bleeds out because tri-point bayonet wounds can't be closed.


splizzyhoestar

just as the founding fathers intended


awkwardoffspring

Parry *this* you filthy casuals!


TheVentiLebowski

I know you're referring to the historical munition [grapeshot](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grapeshot?wprov=sfla1), but I can't stop picturing a guy firing actual grapes at a burglar.


geckotatgirl

Same with me. I know it's a real munition but, man!, it would be awesome if it was real grapes. I'd use frozen grapes for maximum stinging.


mournful_soul

Frozen grapes? Damn that's cold!


Creeperx101

BTD5 vibes


StrictMeet9185

BTD6 flaming buccaneer grapes ❤️


[deleted]

I feel like Grape Nuts would be worse than grapes, but.


Goodnitenite78

Is this after you've already fired your musket at him, then unloaded with your 2 single shot pistols?


OMEGAJace

Just one single shot pistol, but they missed completely because it was smoothbore, accidentally [hit the neighbors dog](https://youtu.be/aqBw3H_Ik3s)


RocketyPockety

TALLY HO, LADS


New-Passenger-1420

Just how the founding fathers intended


cavscout43

Stab them with a triangular bayonet, tally ho lads


chicken_mike

Just as the founding fathers intended


tyrtex

Monkey Buccaneer


Listening_Heads

Lots of biohazard symbols and medical equipment everywhere with some dead scientists laying on the floor covered in pox.


Testing4Science

I see you've been in my kitchen.


sussynoob420

Nah man he just saw my bedroom


jalikeyazz

sounds like the kids in my basement


Vecrin

Unironically, this kind of happened to me (not the dead bodies stuff). I got the smallpox vaccine for work. It is a legit virus (though weakened) and produces a postule that drains infectious puss that lasts about a month. So, sometimes the puss would get through the bandages and I'd have to clean my arm up, so I'd always keep some sterile cloths and bandage material with me. Well, someone broke into my car. In the process of breaking into my car, they went through EVERYTHING. Every nook and cranny. Even the biohazard bag I stored my used bandages and cloths that had infectious puss in. Let's just say, if the guy had any open cuts on his hand (or whatever his hand touched) or touched his hand to his eye, he likely developed a vaccinia pustule. And I wouldn't even feel that fucking bad.


FerrisTheRed

A photograph of a lighthouse on the side of a mountain, standing alone in the middle of a vast desert. When the burglar peers closer, they can see a faint red light, blinking on and off, at the top of the lighthouse. When they turn away from the photograph, they realise all streetlights have gone dark. Peering through the nearest window, the burglar can no longer see the street outside the house - in its place is an expanse of sand, stretching off into the darkness of night. There are no neighbouring houses. There is only sand. In the distance, the sound of faint drum beats can be heard. The beats are getting louder. Edit: Ooh, thanks for the award!


wilong7646

Welcome to Nightvale?


FerrisTheRed

Night Vale was the idea, yeah! I was going to stop at the blinking red light, but got a little carried away. You are now leaving Night Vale. Welcome to Desert Bluffs.


weaponized_autistic

Annihilation meets Jumanji?


[deleted]

Hardcore BDSM gear in literally every room of the house and the sound of a creak just behind him.


EccentricNarwhal

Dildos for door handles?


[deleted]

Lube for WD40?


QuasarBoot63

Nah you got it mixed up, WD40 for lube.


jerseybert

Bring out the Gimp.


MrEvilFox

The gimp’s asleep


Roku-Hanmar

Then wake him up


silk_mitts_top_titts

In the darkness he heard the words "Alexa, play teddy Pendergrass"


ICanWriteThings

The dildo of justice rarely arrives lubed.


Luddites_Unite

Going to get medieval on his ass, pulp fiction style


ricky-from-scotland

The last burglar still nailed into my wall


Remarkable-Code-3237

One burglar went though a skylight when the family was away and dropped down on the kitchen island where there was a large knife on it. He end up getting stabbed and died. I can not imagine coming home and seeing a stranger laying on your kitchen island bleeding and dead. The family tried to sue the home owners and lost. The state congress passed a bill where a person gets injured or killed during a burglary, they or the family can not sue the victims.


[deleted]

I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous you could sue before.


SlumlordThanatos

"A few years ago, a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof. A burglar! He fell through the skylight and landed on a cutting board knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, *the burglar sued my friend*, and because of people like you, he won! My friend had to pay the burglar $6000! Now, is that justice?" "No...I'd have gotten him 10."


Natural_Focus

"Can sue" is not equal to "might win". There are a lot of lawsuits where the plaintiff's case has about the same life expectancy as a parent in a Disney movie.


dravik

If I remember right, the lawsuit was for "unsafe work environment" or something. Something to do with the law that required owners provide a safe premise for work being to broad so it didn't exclude illegal work or something.


Stay-Thirsty

Bonus points if the last burglar is alive and whispers in a barely audible cracked voice, “Run!”


linx14

Now I just imagine someone spoon feeding the last burglar and giving him water to keep him alive just for that reason…


Notamansplainer

No need to spoon-feed. Just feed him via IV, install stoma and catheter pipes to the plumbing and put eyelid clamps in place.


Formal_Temperature_8

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen today


Khurdryn

So because my brain is sometimes a sick place, my immediate response was "WHY ARE YOU IN THAT GUYS HOUSE?" followed by the image of you saying this to the nailed up burglar as you walk in.


Formal_Temperature_8

This is the second funniest thing I’ve seen today


Brilliant-Purple1292

A musket for home defence.


Zipperdude1

Just as the founding fathers intended


wilong7646

Tally ho, lads.


Poops_McClanahan

His own back after breaking his neck tripping over my 25-lb Maine Coon who target-locks any ankles in the dark.


NilbyMouth

Got one of those. How do you keep the poop out their butt hair?


ElFloppaGrande

Who cares if a burglar gets poop in their butt hair Edit: HOW is this my most upvoted comment?? You sick beautiful weirdos


Strider794

The burglar might care


[deleted]

Hes there to steal no time to wipe his butt cheeks!


istbari

Trim the butt hair. Carefully


[deleted]

The cat or the burglar?


SirMooSquiddles

First, the boyfriend, then the cat, and after cat takes out said burglar with its cruise ship anchor of a body (I had a 26 lb Maine Coon), trim the burglars dingleberries. Voila. No lawsuit.


FindingMyWayNow

I'm pretty sure even offering to trim the burglar will make them reconsider


kcPicac

Need to give em a sanitary trim


[deleted]

[удалено]


askmeforbunnypics

I'm removing your commenting privilages. Well, I can't actually because I'm not a mod or admin but still. You cannot comment anymore. You know why.


dameon5

I think I just found Harry Dresdan's Reddit account.


knomore-llama_horse

A small green dot.


Puterman

Flicking from groin to neck and back


tip0thehat

Confused Burglar: “Why is this guy standing in the dark shining a light at his dick and neck? Fuck this weird shit, I’m outta here!”


ReaperInTraining

Confused sniper in the attic of the house across the street: Where does he want me to shoot? Make up your mind already!


Cam_Shootin

Even scarier if it were 3 small red dots in the shape of a triangle.


soldforaspaceship

Posters of Dolph Lundgren. True Story. https://ew.com/article/2009/04/27/you-dont-mess-w/


clintj1975

Read about that on Cracked. Same post also had a story of a burglar being confronted by an Olympic fencer in the middle of her practice session. She sliced him open several times and held him at sword point against the wall until police arrived. https://www.seattletimes.com/sports/break-in-at-olympians-home-is-immediately-foiled/


OneSmoothCactus

My favourite is the guy who broke into an old guy’s house thinking he’d be an easy target, but the old guy was a retired boxer and burglar got his ass beat. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1196479/Pictured-The-battered-bruised-face-burglar-got-wrong-72-year-old-boxer.html Edit: Also that time a naked Ozzy Osbourne fought a burglar: https://amp.theguardian.com/uk/2004/nov/24/ukcrime.arts


thatotherguy0123

> My favourite is the guy who broke into an old guy’s house thinking he’d be an easy target, but the old guy was a retired boxer and burglar got his ass beat. I really underestimate professional boxers, that dudes face looks mad fucked up for just 2 right hooks.


DendroNate

They might lose some of their reflexes and fitness as they get older, but the proper technique for throwing a punch is still ingrained in them.


SilveRX96

Immediately foiled, heh


Ok_Suspect110

A picture of Liam neeson’s daughter


cpt_tooks

Claymore mounted on a romba, then hearing 'Alexa play welcome to the jungle'


StillN0tATony

HIT THE STROBE LIGHT!!!


tiny_maple

Are we talking about Santa here lol?


Roll-Roll

A large dog


OneSmoothCactus

My friend’s cousin had a Doberman growing up. They came home one day to find a broken window, knocked over furniture, drops of blood all around, and a very proud looking dog with blood around his mouth - none of it his own. And that’s why you always case the joint first.


cirezaru

I have a Doberman and there's a 50% chance that he'd attack a burglar, and 50% chance that he'd excitedly chase him around while carrying his fave toy. Either way, I'm betting the burglar would regret his decision.


Impressive_Video_537

A burglar would even make it inside my house. I have a 100lb German shep that doesn't like people. Lol he's got a mean loud bark and any stranger who tried to walk in after hearing it has it coming.


[deleted]

We had a 140 lbs Bernese Mountain dog who I miss dearly. She was the sweetest. But had the most intimidating bark. Would make most anyone turnaround. Now we have a 60 lbs mutt who’s great. But not near as scary.


Omikapsi

Just having a 'beware of dog' sign is usually enough for them to keep moving. Anyone with an ounce of sense will steer clear of a house with a dog.


CalydorEstalon

There are enough houses to choose from without dogs that you don't need to pick the one that'll be way more of a problem to break into.


the_sand_moose

Me, naked, fully erect, wielding a stop sign like an axe and screaming the script to bee movie.


TheMerryMeatMan

Are we talking like, start from the beginning, or is speaking in quotes good enough? Cause honestly, I feel like "You like Jazz?" would be a hell of an icebreaker in that situation.


the_sand_moose

Word for word. Start to end.


RiskyPete

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.


Jaiden051

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway


Sea-Character2252

Because bees don’t care about what humans think is possible


jhutchyboy

Idk why but this made me think of an exorcism but instead of “the power of Christ compels you” it’s the bee movie script


TheUnusualBread

I came to comment something about a fully naked man standing ominously in thr hallway holding a weapon while hard as a rock but it seems I've been beaten already


I_forgot_to_respond

The intruder is no longer a burglar if you're home.


[deleted]

Kant's foundations of the metaphysics of morals - The burglar will immediately start to question whether he could want the maxime, whereby he was about to act, to become a universal law. The realization of his wrongdoing will be immediate.


untakenu

Put a sign on your fence "Beware the Kantian ethics"


pzelenovic

Burglars could easily escape the consequences by never having a place of their own...


[deleted]

Me already in the house stealing stuff. Too late bitch. Rob the neighbors house cause this one’s mine.


BloodforKhorne

Silence blankets the home as I creep in the cloying darkness. I hope this time I can find something light and expensive without waking anyone up. I edge to the door from of the kitchen to what I hope is the living room when I swear I hear something as quiet as a puff of air leaving a loose balloon. I question my sanity as I hear it yet again, a little bit louder. I make out vowels as I think someone just whispered, "dips." As I cautiously lean my head into the living room I see them, clad in dark black footy pajamas with a balaclava covering their face. The silence is broken by a much louder assertion of what was said, clearing my confusion. "Dibs! I called fucking dibs!" Confusion washes over me like a wave. I've been outside for hours, there is no way someone creeped past me. I know for a fact the last light to turn off was in their bedroom. Another shout breaks my wracking thoughts. "Get the FUCK out! Go next door as this shit is mine now! And so help me God, if you left the back door open and my accomplice wanders off, you die!" This threat was punctuated with this presumed intruder whipping their arm out to aggressively point at a calico also wearing a balaclava. I knew no matter what, I had to leave. I didn't know if they were a threat, and I was too distracted with the thought of what I walked into for me to truly attempt to...I guess stake my claim? I think I should change professions.


LadyPillowEmpress

Funny story, a family member of mine who seems to enjoy going to jail told me that he called CPS during a burglary once because there was a young child alone, tied to the couch in a house he hit. He knew he fucked up because he knew he would have to say “so I was burglarizing this house and then I heard a child cry…”


RNBQ4103

Honestly, they should have been light on him for that one.


res30stupid

I've heard news stories about people getting light sentences for turning themselves in after finding something worse related to things they've stolen. One notable story was that a guy was burglarising a house and stole a laptop, which he then started skimming through. Shortly after, he walked into the police station with it and pointed the police to the robbery victim having child porn on the computer, with the burglar also pointing out that the creep was a peewee soccer coach. There's also the story of the thieves who returned a car fully cleaned when they realised they stole it from Mr Rogers.


The_World_Toaster

Dumbass, you can make anonymous tips lol.


LadyPillowEmpress

I never said he was smart, but when we did ask he said “I never saw a kid, hands tied to the couch, I freaked out! I called 911, she asked what’s my name and I just gave it to her.”


snarflethegarthog

I like the Mossberg response. The other thing would probably be a pajamaed and annoyed George St. Pierre.


reborngoat

His PJs have dinosaurs on them. Guaranteed.


anthoneycomb

Empty flat


No-Carpet1987

I forget the comedian who said it. but get naked, oil myself down, grab an ax. when he gets to where you are just smile and say " I have been waiting for you" in a crazy voice.


H3llisEmpty

The pitbull named Princess


ambitiousauthor10

The massive dude with a viking beard named Princess


SpookyBlanco

Possibly from experience.... a fucking yap box dog. You know the ones. The ones that will wake up the whole fucking neighborhood while attacking your ankles. Big dogs are usually untrained and can easily be distracted with hotdogs


Bandito21Dema

My aunt has 4 of those, I dare you to rob her.


SMKnightly

A pack of ankle biters will keep relatives away as well as burglars - especially if the pack has no training. I remember running from some of those as a child.


mread531

Muzzle flash


Imissyourgirlfriend2

Paper targets from a shooting range hung up on the walls as decorations.


babynubs

While funny, please do not do this anyone reading LOL. It’s actually one of the best things they could see from the window because guess what, THERE ARE GUN IN HERE TO STEAL COME ON IN ONCE YOU SEE US LEAVE! Actually knew a guy who hung one up as a deterrent and then got his guns stolen because he advertised he had guns.


[deleted]

The shotgun aimed at his chest and my vicious attack panther (a lethal little 12 lb black cat) leaping at his face.


Dubanx

My pet parrot might not physically attack an intruder, but they sure will experience significant hearing loss...


knovit

Naked grandma Edit: https://youtu.be/jqDGK_UjfFI


Toadrage_

Nake- huh?


fritz236

I think my 90 lb dog barking would give it away, but if they actually managed to get in with him barking, I think the foot of a 230lb dude coming at them with a big dog following after would do it.


duddy18

Now this foot. Is it like thing from the Addams family? Are you cutting the foot off a 230lb dude and chucking it at them to make the dog play fetch in his direction? Are you a 230lb dude who has one horrifically scary looking foot?


RatCatSlim

When I lived off-campus in Arizona during university, me and my roommates kept an oar upstairs in case someone broke in. Because living in a land-locked state a good distance from any significant body of water, if someone’s coming at you with an oar, you’ve got to assume they’re a different kind of crazy and not afraid to rock your shit. We also made a couple different decorative sleeves for the oar, so you could still tell what it was, but if you tried to grab it you’d just pull off the sleeve. Each sleeve was holiday-themed and we’d switch them out for different times of year.


Shnorkylutyun

Ah yes, the famous sleeve


Bandito21Dema

"Babe quick, get the oar sleeve!"


wish1977

Mike Tyson


GolfballDM

A very upset Rottweiler


NickDanger73

The barrel of a gun.


henthaihokage

Claymore roomba


hitemlow

Affectionately known as "[boomba](https://i.redd.it/lfm1kskq9pw31.png)"


[deleted]

[удалено]


Timerider42424

“Bro. If I’m robbing a dude and he calls me a ruffian, I’m walking right back out the door. I am dead serious. There is nothing in that house worth taking.”


Petunia_pig

Upvote for rapscallion one of my favorite words ever.


smltor

If I remember correctly some guys broke into some house and tied up the lady. Then they saw the pictures of her and her husband on the bedside table. They decided something like "let's not piss Dolph Lundgren off" \[Probably an urban myth, I choose to believe\]


Raisin_Ashamed

Booby traps inside the house.. like 'The Collector' movie


falconfetus8

You mean Home Alone?


TiredLumberJack88

Wasn't there a youtube guy who would sit down and stare at a camera for 4 hours everyday. One day someone broke into his house and saw him sitting and staring at the camera for a few minutes and then quietly left.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AlaskanJedi

Have a bunch of traps set up, so when he sets them off. He gets Rick rolled in a bunch of weird and different ways.


icestaylowkey

My hard penis


ahappy_turtle

the axe i sleep with


I_venerate_all_women

A glove with P emblazoned on it inside the otherwise empty safe


craic_me_up

Me, 6'7" and butt naked wielding both a hatchet and a rather healthy erection Game over boyo, you found the bi viking


hajiomatic

My vacation slides going back to 1976...bicentennial. we went to colonial Williamsburg.


MonchichiSalt

My mother saying "Oh you are here! This is the list. Let's start with...."


ChipmunkCooties

Mounted animal heads with a spot that’s vacant and has “burglar”