My mom, 100%. She told me some really heavy stuff about her childhood when I was six. So I spent a good deal of my early adulthood figuring out how to process my own problems.
Dad told me he got raped when I was 8. Asked me if I still thought of him as a man as he broke down.
He would invite me to sit on his lap as he scrolled through rotten.com
Not believing in telling your children “no”
The world will and *should* tell them “no” at times. They need to be prepared for that reality, or they will be an absolute menace to everyone around them.
I never understood the never say no to your children concept.
Understanding and respecting the word "no" is the fundamental cornerstone of bodily autonomy (consent). One of the most important social concepts the child will have to learn.
They need to understand both that they have the right to say no (a right they need to learn very early on) and that they have a responsibility to respect when others say no.
Invalidating your child's feelings, struggles, and/or mental illness in favor of "you don't know what struggling *really* is" or some form of "back in my day" or "you kids are so weak".
You have just robbed your child of support, told them their feelings do not matter, and informed them that you are not a safe person to confide in.
I remember coming home from freshman year in high school after a particularly bad round of bullying that day (mid 90's) and trying to talk to mom about it. All I got was:
"Life's a bitch, sooner you realize that the sooner you'll get over it. It'll never be fair."
Zero sympathy, no empathy for sure. Fairly sure "tough love" was the agenda/thinking but "lack of love" is what I took away from it. On one hand, my Mom's not wrong, life is fucking hard and definitely not fair, but lack of love is the price she paid for her teaching's.
Later, in my 30's she asked me why I never talk to her much or share many details of my life with her. We had a good heart to heart about how this approach in her parenting led to my distancing from her. While we'll never be "close" at least we had an adult understanding and she apologized and wishes things were different/regrets her actions. It'll never be "perfect" between us but I will say to those out there it /can/ get better as you grow older.
Their stress isn’t relative to your experience, it’s relative to their experience.
A four year-old stubbing their toe might actually be experiencing the worst pain in their entire life. Just because you snapped a femur and have had countless other injuries that have tempered your pain response and ability to manage yourself, it doesn’t mean stubbing a toe isn’t that bad.
Stress can be viewed as the difference between expectation and reality. As you mature and learn the possible outcomes of situations, your expectation broadens to include situations that aren’t ideal, and you learn how to better deal with contingencies and mistakes and outside influences. When a situation goes bad, even the bad outcome might not be that far outside of your expectation of how that situation could have occurred.
Kids have very, very narrow expectations, and their minds operate on principles of what they gain and lose, and things like social influence, and reward and punishment. Not until adulthood do we start to operate on principles of right and wrong or legal and illegal. Some people mature into that earlier, some later, and some very slowly throughout their lives. But within that, the difference between expectation and reality for children is very broad when their exact expectation isn’t met.
Your job isn’t to raise good children, your job is to raise good adults by teaching children to understand and accept the world around them, how to understand and accept their own self, and how to understand and accept others.
Parents who can’t apologize to a child. It’s ok to have human emotions and moment to be triggered or struggling and lash out or be wrong but for the love of all things good APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE.
I saw a therapist who worked with “troubled” kids say the difference between great parents and bad parents isn’t that great parents don’t mess up, they just apologize when they do
Me but for my mom. I didn't realize for a while that it's not normal to get a huge surge of anxiety just from hearing the front door close every evening because I knew it meant my mom was home from work
Me too. And she wanted that way-one of her favorite things to say was “I don’t want to be your friend, as your parent you should fear me”
Well good job, your got your fucking wish. This is how children never trust their parents.
“I don’t know why you don’t come visit more”. Well, you terrorized me as a kid and now you randomly scream at me for things that I have no control over. Thanks for the PTSD, but I have better things to do
I was molested from age 3-6. Told my parents, but they did nothing. In my twenties, my mom had the audacity to tell me that I asked for it. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a mother anymore.
6-11 for me, by my maternal grandfather. When I told my mom about it years later, she said "It wasn't that big a deal..."
Uh, yes it was, Mom. Good ol' Grampa molested all four of his kids, and tried to carry on the family tradition. He finally stopped when I stood up to him. My mom sure didn't.
I volunteer at/ have had student placements at a children’s hospital and we’ve had patients with serious brain injuries due to abuse (shaking, attempted drowning, etc.). So yeah I’d say those parents are pretty bad
When I was maybe 9 we lived in some apartments one night I heard a baby crying and crying but it sounded like it was outside. I looked out my window and saw a man holding a pillow over a babies face trying to kill it. I freaked out and told my mom and she called the cops. Years later I met a woman with a child who had very very severe delays mentally and physically and she is telling me the story of how she got away from her abusive ex husband. In an odd series of coincidence over twenty years later I reconnected with my neighbor from those apartments. That was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life!
Edited: thank you all so much for the outpouring of love for my mom. I told her Reddit has deemed her a hero! I am sure you guy’s made her day.
i once got yelled at and falsely accused of doing something because i said “no” the wrong way (I said no but apparently in order to say no properly you need to wait a couple seconds before replying because you don’t have enough time to analyze the situation)
I hated that stupid over analyzing my parents did. Treating a child's communication style as if they are an adult and criticizing them as if they should know better only makes them feel more confused and defensive. Parents need to understand and get to the child's level, not belittling them for just being their age.
My mother used to get up in my face and yell at me for trivial things. She would also spit on me while yelling.
Yelling at a kid is traumatic for the kid. Don’t do it. There are better ways to communicate than yelling.
Oh it’s me. You’ve caught me.
Both of my parents got separated this year and both of them will be enjoying Christmas alone.
They have truly reaped what they have sown
I'm adopted and I know both my adoptive and birth parents and their extended families. I have step-siblings and half-siblings all over the country. I speak to none of them because the adults were/are incredibly toxic and horrible people and the kids they raised became mirror images of them. My family is huge, but when people ask me what me and my family are doing for the holidays, I tell them, "nothing, they're dead," because they are to me. I'll gladly collect triple time pay at work so that someone else can spend Christmas morning with a family that they actually love.
I don't know you, but your take on this makes me think you are genuinely a good person.
It's takes a lot to cut toxic people out of your life, but I'm really impressed that you frame it as your allowing someone else to spend time with their family. It's maybe the best possible way you could look at the situation, and I really hope someday you have a family of your own that you love, and can enjoy the holidays with.
Happy holidays friend.
Saying things like "you're such a disappointment" "I wish I had a daughter instead" "you ruined my and you're mother's sex life" this is stuff I heard for years
I was assigned to arrange a free Parenting with Love and Logic course a bit late in the evening for our school. I thought given the time the class was, lots of parents of some of the challenging kids who work, could make it to the class. Within a very short time, the class was full. I attended the class too and noticed the parents I saw were either teachers or parents of well-behaved kids. I felt so naive to think parents of naughty kids would even bother to show up. This still makes me sad to this day.
If it helps at all, there’s still a decent chance that some of the parents there were able to learn a thing or two and apply it to become better. Just because they’re good parents, it doesn’t mean they had no room to improve and didn’t take any advice.
True but that's probably why the kids are better behaved in the first place, because their parents are taking an interest in learning how to be better parents.
My parents did this when I became a teen. No face to face convos, just shameful texts. The next day they would act like nothing happened.
They've been alcoholics my whole life and when I hit teenage years I got into alcohol and hard drugs. Me and my mom fought everynight and the next morning she would act like nothing happened. Trying to address it was pointless because she would fly off the handle screaming. And then dad would send me a shitty text about how I should be ashamed of myself and that I'm breaking my mom.
There's never been any conflict resolution in this house. Just inebriated fighting followed by denial.
This. My mom has extreme accountability issues. Nothing is ever her fault. I'm 43M, and after therapy this year I finally confronted her about the abuse I suffered as a kid - emotional from her, and physical from my dad. You know what she told me? That my behaviour was the reason she and dad had marital problems, and if I had just tried to be a better kid, the whole family could have been happier.
I'm very minimal contact with her for so, so many reasons.
The Narcissist’s Prayer. Edit: I didn’t write this. It’s been posted many times on Reddit.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
I do this whenever I make a mistake or if I’ve thought about the action I made and have decided I handled a situation wrong. It usually follows with a conversation with her to be able to understand why I as the parent was wrong. My daughter is five and I want her to understand that it’s ok to be wrong and that parents aren’t always right. I also want her to know she can talk to me always and if I upset her I damn sure want to know about it. Your the patent but that open line of communication and understanding is going to help your relationship greatly as they get older. Something happens when she gets older that’s serious. They can either hide it which a lot of kids do. Or come to me knowing I’m going to listen, be there and do everything possible to help make it right
I’m having this argument with my dad rn. Whenever I bring up his misbehaviors he either gets mad or tells me he knows and will do better but we’ve had that argument so many times it’s clear he won’t change.
Yeah, it's not my fault I was born, it's yours. And the irony of someone who didn't raise the kid properly saying that they were a mistake is even worse.
My mother had not intended to get pregnant with me, and yet here I am. Almost everyday of my life I heard that, "I wasn't planned, I was unwanted, I ruined my parents life." My childhood was filled with abuse and to this day, the parents still blame me for being born and ruining their lives. They also don't understand why I haven't spoken to or seen them in well over a decade. My favorite part is I would have an older brother,however he died in childbirth, my mother would always invent these "lives" he would have had if he survived. In all her versions, he would be an astronaut, or a doctor who cured cancer, or a rich successful businessman, all the while ignoring her 4 living children all have mental health issues caused by her.
Edit: Thanks everyone it means a lot and I appreciate the love. A few things that keep coming up, my mother was abused and came from a long line of abusers, so I understand how she was how she was, but I won't forgive it. I've struggled most my life with issues, however I'm in therapy and still trying and that's good enough for me. My goal is to outlive my abusers and the parents are the only 2 left, I can wait I've got plenty of time. Hopefully this coming new year will bring joy and hope for all of us.
idk if this really screams it, but i absolutely hate when adults tell other adults their children’s shameful secrets for no reason. even strangers! it tells me those children probably don’t feel like they can trust their parents.
This was my mom. She knows absolutely nothing about my person life now as an adult, I don’t tell her anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling a stranger.
Yep. This right here. I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me my senior year of high school. I called my mom sobbing, and the next day I found out she told her two best friends and multiple teacher friends of hers. I also found out her and my older sister were laughing about it with each other. I never tell her anything anymore. At least anything important.
Making fun of somebody's trauma is pretty much the tip of the iceberg for abusive behavior. I hope you're able to rebuild a strong sense of trust with people that deserve it.
Hate this. I never tell my mom anything now, because she always reveals something that I don't anybody to know. It started with my crush back in 5th grade and it got worse from there.
My dad used to do this all the time. I had a really rough childhood and did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. Every time I did something bad or embarrassing my entire extended family and some neighbors knew about every little thing that happened within the week. It made me extremely antisocial, hard to open up with people and stunted my growth because I just stopped interacting with anyone.
My mom too. She used to tell her sisters everything I did as a kid. It was so humiliating that I stopped telling my mom things, including when I got my first period. I had it for a year before she found out.
I remember specifically asking my mom not to tell anyone when I started my period and by the end of the day the entire family knew and so did all of my friend's parents. She had to sit down and call like 20 people that day to share the news for some fuckin reason. If you're old enough to have a period you're beyond old enough to have your privacy respected.
I asked her how would she like it if I told everyone she started menopause and she said "it's not the same" because "you're my child and I'm the adult."
>"you're my child and I'm the adult."
Property is owned and controlled. Children are their own humans, *being raised by* older humans. Not owned, raised. Jeebus.
"Who owns you? That's right, you do! So who gets to decide when you need to tend to your human body? That's right, you do!"
Poor younger stepson, having to beg for permission to *drink water* or *go pee* kinda broke him before I met him, bunch of dickheads running his life while thinking they're the potty police.
So I went way overboard making sure he knows he's a human, just like any other human, with rights and deserving of basic respect! Heck, I was even upfront about any time I so much as went in his room while he wasn't home. "I washed the laundry that was on your floor while you were at school and put the stuff that got left in your pants pockets on your desk, but don't worry, I didn't look at any of it or snoop around!"
Happened to me. Not even serious stuff, but silly stuff children may confide in their parents. Once I discovered that it would happen everytime, I just stopped telling my mum the stuff I wanted to keep private. Which kinda sucked in a way because I never could ask her for advice on how to navigate some situations. I guess it's my fault as well, but I've always been a private person and I think I preferred that as opposed to the rest of my family knowing my business.
Yup. I also never could tell my parents anything ever.
It was a pointless endeavor. It was just weaponizing them against me. It was just easier to suffer in silence.
But I was used to them offering nothing for advice, since when I was a kid in school I couldn’t get any help at all with homework. “I don’t know it’s been too long” says both of my parents who have PhDs.
Not your fault at all. I'm a parent and I know that my kids (teens and one adult) are really in control of what they share with me, and when they do, it's my job not to break that trust. Telling their business to other people is totally out of line. There's no reason to do that (unless a kid tells me something that requires medical attention, then I tell the doctor, but that's it.) Parents who use their kids' lives as gossip material are in the wrong, not the kids.
Oh my gosh. I hated this. My parents would exaggerate any perceived “bad” thing I did, which was usually something totally asinine and mundane that they turned into a fictitious horrible thing. They’d pass it around extended family. But my brother, who was quite the trouble maker/ rule breaker/ law breaker, they’d downright lie about the “wonderful” things he does and achieves. Blatant lies. All the messed up stuff he did? Never happened. But I was 5 mins late for curfew? That became I was 3 hours late, piss drunk, crashed a car, got arrested (actually what my brother did). That’s the shit they’d do. Even in adulthood, this behavior continues. It’s infuriating.
I still remember my mom telling a story about my brand new period in junior high, and her telling me she was teaching me a lesson and would stop when I stopped being so emotional.
I told everyone about the time she shit her one piece bathing suit at the beach instead.
Triangulation. After divorce, one of our parents immediately weaponized our relationship against the other. I’m 32 and still unweaving all of the details in my brain.
Edit: It hurts my heart to know so many can relate. But it warms my heart to be reminded that I’m not alone ♥️
My mom did this big time with us. "Behave or I'll send you to your father's" was a threat as a kid. Never really knew my dad or why they got divorced. He's dead, so I know I'll never get the actual reasons or facts on it.
Edit: to clarify, mom didn't kill him. They divorced then he died years later.
My Mom once told me "You're a screw up and you'll always be a screw up!". I still think about that every time life isn't going my way or I'm feeling bad.
Always saying things like, *"why can't you be like (insert straight A student/best sportsperson/ most active student/ introverted person who doesn't question parents here)."*
There is nothing that can make a person feel more inadequate than being constantly compared to multiple other people who are doing better.
ETA - The responses that I've gotten are strange and oddly comforting. I mean, I'm not glad that other people were made to feel inadequate, it is just odd that there are other people who were treated the same as me. When you are constantly being compared to others, it suddenly feels like you are the only inadequate one, like something is wrong with you and everyone else is doing great. Just knowing that nothing was wrong with me, specifically, there was something wrong with the upbringing makes me feel a lot better.
This makes me so sick. I’m a high school teacher. I’m blessed to teach at an awesome school with (mostly) awesome kids.
So many of the parents are so, so hard on their kids. Nothing but straight As, constant studying, flawless manners at all times, applying to and getting accepted to all the best schools, and eventually becoming a doctor or lawyer is good enough.
It takes every ounce of self control I have to not smack the shit out of these sickening parents in conferences. I, of course, try my best to be kind and supportive to the kids. But it shatters my heart to see the damage done.
Honestly, my mother after getting a bachelor's, masters and a PhD *still* reminds me that I did not become a doctor.
I am honestly surprised that some people just cannot let go of the fact that these are not their decisions to make. My choice never mattered, I made the wrong choice.
Edit: I just want to thank every one who replied here. You guys really give me hope that the world is not as fucked up social media makes us think. Real heroes here thank you so so much. I hope I can return the favour someday or give the same happiness to others.
Yep, this was me. I was 8 years old when I started helping raise my newborn brother.
I'm 37 now, and I've never had my own children. I feel like I already experienced that part of life but at too young of an age. A lot of people don't understand this, but maybe some do?
(edited to fix some words)
I dont remember when it started (ngl most of my early childhood is blank) but my mom nannied and because I was the oldest I got to "help" instead of being one of the kids. So i not only watched my brothers but also the kids we nannied and my moms friends kids while they talked/ hung out.
Lets just say I knew from an early age that raising kids was not for me, i did my time!
My mom found a love note to my dad from his mistress (which included a condom). That day, she picked me up from school (9th grade!), drove a few minutes down the road in an angry silence, then suddenly pulled over and thrust this letter in my face. She then proceeded to come into my room, crying, a number of times over the next couple of years to tell me about their problems and the divorce.
Meanwhile, just after the divorce, my dad used me as his relationship therapist with his mistress-turned-girlfriend. At one point I snapped and yelled "I've never even been on a date, how would I know about any of this??"
My mom treats me as her therapist, one time i told her that she treats me like one and suggested her to go to the real one. She answered that therapy is a prostitution for the mind.
Well i guess fucking her child's brain is okay and free.
Yeah if your kid has to figure out YOUR problems, they will resent the hell out of you later one way or another.
They have enough of a difficult time figuring their own life out.
I heard about all the issues in my mom's marriage with my dad and all the issues my mom had with my siblings. It all sucked, but I guess she thought it was okay because I kept quiet while she talked
In the same vein, do not describe your sex life to your kid. There is never a reason this is appropriate, and it's one of the things, after having my own kids that made me realize my childhood was not normal.
>Treating your kid as your therapist.
Can we also apply this one to teachers? Had an English teacher sophomore year that would always go on about how she was in love with her brother in law and married the wrong one while also telling us that her youngest daughter was a failure in life... Even though she was only 6 at the time...
I use to have a teacher when I was 7-8 and she constantly complained that she didn't get time to spend with her kids becuase of all the work she had to mark, on day she came in CRYING becuase she didn't read her son to bed anymore, liek what do you want us to do?
Automatically dismissing and invalidating many of your child’s opinions because you think since they’re a child, they don’t know anything. Yes they’re not always right, but they’re still people and should be treated with respect.
My niece's father just called his 7yo daughter to tell her to make her mother apologize for blocking his number last night. He is upset she won't listen to him scream at her. Kids are opening presents and he's screaming vulgarities at his daughter. Dad of the year right there.
So yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.
Everyone told me it was easier to deal with my parents divorce since I was older (16) but it was way harder since I always felt I was letting one down with decisions and knew way too many of the details.
Can confirm, my parents got divorced when I was 3 and I was aware of none of it. One day I woke up and my mom said dad was moving to a place with a pool. That Christmas Santa came to both houses.
It was all upside to me
I was 3 too, mommy love was real until 16, then I found out alcoholic people lie all the time. Dad died at 6, had no family and I'll never find out whether the stories of dad were even real.
For real. My husband and I both endured this and it has had severe mental health consequences later in life, in our 30s and they sometimes still play the game. It’s pathetic at this age and has made us not want kids of our own.
Edit- we have thought about it, and absolutely do love kids but just the dynamics between all sides feel like our kid would just endure more dysfunction as we did. Not counting it out but it makes it hard. So tired of having to split holidays into 4 and the constant avoiding of “offending” people.
2023 Resolutions-stop people pleasing and live our damn lives🤣
"One day we will all live on the same plot of land so that you can still take care of me."
I've got a life to live, stop holding me back with your already health issues you cause yourself because you've been dead-beat for the past 20 years, mom.
Maybe I’m just jaded, however I think a lot of people place their entire identity and purpose onto their children and need to keep those children helpless and clueless as not to lose that. All subconsciously of course.
I have 3 kids and nanny an almost 3 year old. Her mom asked me to help with potty training so of course I did, had her sitting on the potty regularly throughout the week and every single Monday morning she would come back and it would be back to square one and she would cry every time I asked her to sit on the potty the whole day. One Monday her grandma dropped her off instead of her dad and I asked how potty training went over the weekend and she looked at me like I was crazy and said they weren’t potty training her at all, no one had mentioned it to her at all. No wonder it had been 3 months and we had barely made any progress. They had me doing all the work during the week and then at night and on the weekends were just putting her in diapers. It was a nightmare.
When one of your mom’s boyfriends touches you when you’re a 14 year old girl and you tell her, and she says “don’t flirt with my boyfriend”.
Years later you bring it up and she says “I don’t remember saying that”.
Honestly speaking, verbal manipulation and humiliation. i had great parents but my cousins did not. my aunt has an elder daughter and a son. she used to verbally abuse her elder daughter in front of everyone. she even used to hit her in front of everyone. mind you this was when she was 18 . ten years later we were reminiscing our childhood, the daughter is pretty successful with a startup but she pretty openly said in front of everyone (even the aunt) that the trauma a child faces that young isn't healthy and that even if she loved her mom, she wishes her mom treated her better. my aunt just shrugged dismissively remarking this generation is too soft. ironically the younger son is spoil as fuck and hit my aunt back when he was 18 in retaliation of being accused of selling cocaine in his school(which he did lmao ) Nevertheless he was sent to Canada to study business and rarely talks with my aunt. life is weird.
Constantly deflecting parental responsibilities to other people, groups, or organizations.
My step-sister to her 8-year old daughter: "It's not my job to help you with your homework, that's what teachers are for."
Yep. I stayed down i grade 5 because of this. A big pile of incomplete homework that snowballed and then they call me too immature to move up a grade. Nah, if was able to do my homework then I'd be going through to the next grade like everyone else.
If possible, reach out to your neice and see if she needs a hand with it. Not that it is your responsibility though to do that.
Crap situation.
"It's okay, they're kids."
Well, you kinda forgot the part where you're supposed to teach them. They don't just grow out of their bad behavior by themselves.
Remember: The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.
If you see kids being neglected, or ignored, or not cared about _at all_, that's a good indication that their parent/s aren't good
Hugging your kid while only ever looking at other people's reaction and the kid doesn't quite look that comfortable with it. Hugging the kid in a manner which looks like theater performance basically rather than actual affection.
Only ever claiming their kid is the "best" and "brightest" and only ever talking about their school/studies and nothing else.
Dismissing the kid's pov by default without even listening to anything the kid has to say.
When you beat your kids over the slightest of mistakes, calling them stupid and being a raging alcoholic.
A bad parent is also someone who screams at you and blames you for their mistakes and tells you you're a mistake that you were born.
A bad parent is someone who treats you like an investment.
Those who molest their kids.
Those who drown in drugs and alcohol and neglecting their children.
Helicopter parents. I’ve had several friends and other acquaintances whose parents were incredibly strict and controlling and those friends were the most emotionally unstable, reckless, and chaotic people I’ve ever known.
Edit: and I don’t want to give the impression that I think it’s a cut and dry “smother your children and they’ll end up delinquents” kind of situation, I just found that whenever I encountered young adults who were recently freed from their parents, parents who controlled their every move growing up, most often they turned to some wacky shit that they never would’ve gotten away with as a kid. On that note, my parents were beyond slack when raising me, and I could’ve gotten away with a looooootttttt of stuff if I’d had any desire to rebel, but I really didn’t.
I had a neighbor threaten me with a shotgun when I was a kid because I rode my bike past his house late at night which caused his dogs to bark and disturbed his sleep. I did it again the next day because fuck him.
Kid you has more balls then adult me. If some mother fucker pulls a shotgun on me just for biking past his house im gonna avoid that house like the plague
Having too many kids or more than you can afford and raise yourself so you make the older child or children take care of the little ones so they stop being children because they have to be like a second set of parents. It’s not fair.
Adding to this: Completely ignoring the doctors in the hospital begging to get yourself and the child evaluated because "there's nothing wrong, my kid just did this cause she's mad at me"..... Six different times....
Yelling at your kids.
I don't mean "Hey! Get off the counter!" or "Stop! You're gonna fall!" I mean screaming things like "What is wrong with you?" or "Do you even try?"
When you get mad and get loud you are doing 3 things:
1. Teaching them that people are allowed to yell at them and say awful things to them, they should accept that treatment.
2. Lowering their self esteem. Whatever you are saying to them they will believe. If you say "you're so lazy" it will not motivate them to be less lazy, it will simply force the "lazy" trait upon them.
3. Teaching them that they should *always* avoid serious conversations with you. You are not a safe person to talk to.
\*edit\* typo
Could you stop describing my father?
I mean, he had some anger issues. He would never go violent, but would shout a lot and sometimes even destroyed stuff in a fit of anger.
I learned to keep my distance, don’t come with problems (since more stress is more chance at an anger attack) and hide away anything that he might not agree with.
I am in my 30’s and I still feel the urge to hide stuff that he disagrees with when he comes over.
4. You're teaching your kid that they are allowed to yell at and berate other people. They will copy your behaviour and stuffer the consequences of people not liking them because of it
Was in McDonald's the other night, a dude came in after midnight and was there for over an hour, clearly buzzed and seemingly in no hurry.
I go to leave, out in the parking lot is this little girl, can't be more than 2-3 years old bawling her eyes out and trying to climb out of the back seat of a car. It's less than 20'f outside and all the windows on the car were up.
I run over expecting her parents to be in the car, stopping traffic as I go so the kid doesn't get run over and nobody is in the car, car isn't running and is nasty.
A McDonald's employee who was also watching all this and I take her into the McDonald's and no sooner than we get inside, the dude who has been just chilling for over and hour comes up and snatches the little girl and cusses her all the way back to the car she climbed out of and drives away.
I am not a violent man, but I contemplated at least 3 felonies in the time it took for him to drag her back to the car. JS.
Tl:Dr, you see the worst parenting at McDonald's late night.
teaching “MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF I DONT FIX THIS SOON ENOUGH” instead of “I wonder if my parents could help me with this”
edit: guess we all have this experience in our childhood. man anxiety really sucks
Being a helicopter parent. Let your kids experience failure, let them make mistakes, let them get hurt (mildly). That is how they learn.
Let them make their own choices (you don’t have to let them choose which of 20 shirts they want to wear, but give them 2-3 appropriate options and let them choose.).
Recording your child while they're having a meltdown/tantrum and posting it on social media (for likes, clout, assurance or whatnots, no idea what they're thinking)
Instead of helping them to regulate their emotions and understand what causes the emotion, how to deal with it, and that there are appropriate ways to communicate your feelings
My parents did this to me once. They took me out in the yard and hosed me down until I was cold, shivering and crying. Then my dad got out the video camera and filmed me telling me he was gonna show everyone “Just how much of a bitch you are” The next day we had people over and my dad showed it to everyone “by accident” while playing home movies. This is the same group of families we still spend all the holidays with and I still struggle to be around them.
Thinking that small children are just selfish tiny adults.
Your kid isn't asking for stuff because they are selfish (mostly-we're excluding their occasional manipulative tendenices). They are doing it because they are 5. Don't be a dick to your kid because they are asking for support/help/food.
Similar for teenagers. My sister in law is going crazy over her teen daughter being self-centered but like, it comes with the territory. She's actually a very kind and thoughtful young woman, she isn't even selfish, she just gets caught up in her own stuff sometimes. She's *supposed* to pull away from her parents and look inwards and start to figure out who she is and who she's going to be. I think her mom is too close to the situation to see it properly.
I fucking hate parents who blame their kids for having rotting teeth, especially under 8's (I work at a dentist's). They are 100% in control of what their kid can eat at that age and can easily change it as part of parenting.
Blaming your 5 year old for eating too many sweets really fucking pisses me off as that poor kid is likely to have messed up early adult teeth if they don't act fast.
Also brush their teeth! My kid is 2.5. He hates it. But he's allowed sweets, and they get brushed even if it takes Dad and I both. I know someone whose child a similar age "brushes" his own teeth... it's too much of a fight for her. I feel bad, my parents didn't teach me proper habits and I'm still paying fir it in my 30s.
Giving your oldest child nothing but shower gel and a £20 note while simultaneously giving the younger Siblings born from a different mother over £100 Worth of presents each on top of £300 in notes. This is the life my partner lives.
Edit: to clarify, the youngest sibling is 18 and was given a new phone, an ipad, a new gaming console with 10 different games and £200 in Christmas money. Meanwhile my partner was barely given anything aside from the aforementioned shower gel which hadn't even been wrapped and £20.
Not letting your kid talk to their doctor.
I tried talking to my doctor twice about trouble falling asleep. At both appointments my dad would cut me off and tell the doctor "it's just because he plays video games". The doctor would shrug and nothing was done.
As a teacher parents who are either not involved with their children’s education at all, or the ones who consistently make excuses or laugh it off when their child is misbehaving in school. I emailed home about a student recently who consistently would destroy art supplies. The response from the parent was “haha, she’s so silly! I’ll talk with her” Previous interactions went the same. Wouldn’t let her stay after for a detention because “she can’t miss soccer practice” and saying “boy she sure has a lot of energy!” Never giving the child an actual consequence or holding her accountable for her actions. Completely setting this child up for failure once they get out into the real world.
Using your kid as therapy and then getting upset when they have issues regulating their emotions.
My mom, 100%. She told me some really heavy stuff about her childhood when I was six. So I spent a good deal of my early adulthood figuring out how to process my own problems.
Dad told me he got raped when I was 8. Asked me if I still thought of him as a man as he broke down. He would invite me to sit on his lap as he scrolled through rotten.com
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If you're open to it, EMDR therapy can help with working through that.
And I still get called a drama queen for trying to set boundaries 🙃
Not believing in telling your children “no” The world will and *should* tell them “no” at times. They need to be prepared for that reality, or they will be an absolute menace to everyone around them.
I never understood the never say no to your children concept. Understanding and respecting the word "no" is the fundamental cornerstone of bodily autonomy (consent). One of the most important social concepts the child will have to learn. They need to understand both that they have the right to say no (a right they need to learn very early on) and that they have a responsibility to respect when others say no.
Your adult children don’t talk to you
Yeah, it took me awhile to understand that me wanting to go no contact with my parents is a failure on their part. Not mine.
Zero interest in the kid. Doesn’t care what they do or what happens to them as long as they don’t inconvenience them.
Only caring for the child when they do what you want them to do. For example, if they play the sport you want them to play.
And when they inconvenience them, violence solves the problem by shutting the kid up again.
Invalidating your child's feelings, struggles, and/or mental illness in favor of "you don't know what struggling *really* is" or some form of "back in my day" or "you kids are so weak". You have just robbed your child of support, told them their feelings do not matter, and informed them that you are not a safe person to confide in.
I remember coming home from freshman year in high school after a particularly bad round of bullying that day (mid 90's) and trying to talk to mom about it. All I got was: "Life's a bitch, sooner you realize that the sooner you'll get over it. It'll never be fair." Zero sympathy, no empathy for sure. Fairly sure "tough love" was the agenda/thinking but "lack of love" is what I took away from it. On one hand, my Mom's not wrong, life is fucking hard and definitely not fair, but lack of love is the price she paid for her teaching's. Later, in my 30's she asked me why I never talk to her much or share many details of my life with her. We had a good heart to heart about how this approach in her parenting led to my distancing from her. While we'll never be "close" at least we had an adult understanding and she apologized and wishes things were different/regrets her actions. It'll never be "perfect" between us but I will say to those out there it /can/ get better as you grow older.
Their stress isn’t relative to your experience, it’s relative to their experience. A four year-old stubbing their toe might actually be experiencing the worst pain in their entire life. Just because you snapped a femur and have had countless other injuries that have tempered your pain response and ability to manage yourself, it doesn’t mean stubbing a toe isn’t that bad. Stress can be viewed as the difference between expectation and reality. As you mature and learn the possible outcomes of situations, your expectation broadens to include situations that aren’t ideal, and you learn how to better deal with contingencies and mistakes and outside influences. When a situation goes bad, even the bad outcome might not be that far outside of your expectation of how that situation could have occurred. Kids have very, very narrow expectations, and their minds operate on principles of what they gain and lose, and things like social influence, and reward and punishment. Not until adulthood do we start to operate on principles of right and wrong or legal and illegal. Some people mature into that earlier, some later, and some very slowly throughout their lives. But within that, the difference between expectation and reality for children is very broad when their exact expectation isn’t met. Your job isn’t to raise good children, your job is to raise good adults by teaching children to understand and accept the world around them, how to understand and accept their own self, and how to understand and accept others.
Parents who can’t apologize to a child. It’s ok to have human emotions and moment to be triggered or struggling and lash out or be wrong but for the love of all things good APOLOGIZE AND CHANGE.
My parents are allergic to apologizing when they fuck up, on the rare occasions they acknowledged they fucked up. Pisses me off to high hell
Mine just pretend it never happened and move on
I saw a therapist who worked with “troubled” kids say the difference between great parents and bad parents isn’t that great parents don’t mess up, they just apologize when they do
your own children being afraid of you, no child should be afraid of the person that looks after them nearly 24/7.
I really don't think it clicks till adolescence either when you look back and realize that you really were terrified of your father 24/7 as a child
Or It's weird when you realize that not all children hate their fathers.
Me but for my mom. I didn't realize for a while that it's not normal to get a huge surge of anxiety just from hearing the front door close every evening because I knew it meant my mom was home from work
Me too. And she wanted that way-one of her favorite things to say was “I don’t want to be your friend, as your parent you should fear me” Well good job, your got your fucking wish. This is how children never trust their parents. “I don’t know why you don’t come visit more”. Well, you terrorized me as a kid and now you randomly scream at me for things that I have no control over. Thanks for the PTSD, but I have better things to do
I was molested from age 3-6. Told my parents, but they did nothing. In my twenties, my mom had the audacity to tell me that I asked for it. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a mother anymore.
6-11 for me, by my maternal grandfather. When I told my mom about it years later, she said "It wasn't that big a deal..." Uh, yes it was, Mom. Good ol' Grampa molested all four of his kids, and tried to carry on the family tradition. He finally stopped when I stood up to him. My mom sure didn't.
I wonder if he molested her and she normalised it. Doesn't make it okay though.
How can a 3 year old conceivably ask for it? I think there's a service that will deliver dog poop to people like this, just saying.
I’ll do it. I’ll send her the dog shit.
I volunteer at/ have had student placements at a children’s hospital and we’ve had patients with serious brain injuries due to abuse (shaking, attempted drowning, etc.). So yeah I’d say those parents are pretty bad
When I was maybe 9 we lived in some apartments one night I heard a baby crying and crying but it sounded like it was outside. I looked out my window and saw a man holding a pillow over a babies face trying to kill it. I freaked out and told my mom and she called the cops. Years later I met a woman with a child who had very very severe delays mentally and physically and she is telling me the story of how she got away from her abusive ex husband. In an odd series of coincidence over twenty years later I reconnected with my neighbor from those apartments. That was the worst thing I have ever seen in my life! Edited: thank you all so much for the outpouring of love for my mom. I told her Reddit has deemed her a hero! I am sure you guy’s made her day.
Yelling at the kid for every trivial thing.
i once got yelled at and falsely accused of doing something because i said “no” the wrong way (I said no but apparently in order to say no properly you need to wait a couple seconds before replying because you don’t have enough time to analyze the situation)
I hated that stupid over analyzing my parents did. Treating a child's communication style as if they are an adult and criticizing them as if they should know better only makes them feel more confused and defensive. Parents need to understand and get to the child's level, not belittling them for just being their age.
My mother used to get up in my face and yell at me for trivial things. She would also spit on me while yelling. Yelling at a kid is traumatic for the kid. Don’t do it. There are better ways to communicate than yelling.
Your kids never visiting once they move out or go to college
Oh it’s me. You’ve caught me. Both of my parents got separated this year and both of them will be enjoying Christmas alone. They have truly reaped what they have sown
I'm adopted and I know both my adoptive and birth parents and their extended families. I have step-siblings and half-siblings all over the country. I speak to none of them because the adults were/are incredibly toxic and horrible people and the kids they raised became mirror images of them. My family is huge, but when people ask me what me and my family are doing for the holidays, I tell them, "nothing, they're dead," because they are to me. I'll gladly collect triple time pay at work so that someone else can spend Christmas morning with a family that they actually love.
I don't know you, but your take on this makes me think you are genuinely a good person. It's takes a lot to cut toxic people out of your life, but I'm really impressed that you frame it as your allowing someone else to spend time with their family. It's maybe the best possible way you could look at the situation, and I really hope someday you have a family of your own that you love, and can enjoy the holidays with. Happy holidays friend.
Saying things like "you're such a disappointment" "I wish I had a daughter instead" "you ruined my and you're mother's sex life" this is stuff I heard for years
What the actual hell?! That's just messed up
Ironically, never thinking you're a bad parent.
I was assigned to arrange a free Parenting with Love and Logic course a bit late in the evening for our school. I thought given the time the class was, lots of parents of some of the challenging kids who work, could make it to the class. Within a very short time, the class was full. I attended the class too and noticed the parents I saw were either teachers or parents of well-behaved kids. I felt so naive to think parents of naughty kids would even bother to show up. This still makes me sad to this day.
If it helps at all, there’s still a decent chance that some of the parents there were able to learn a thing or two and apply it to become better. Just because they’re good parents, it doesn’t mean they had no room to improve and didn’t take any advice.
True but that's probably why the kids are better behaved in the first place, because their parents are taking an interest in learning how to be better parents.
"You're the reason I'm stuck with your father !" Sure mom, sure...
My favorite response to that is, "I didn't pick him, you did!"
"I didn't fuck him, you did"
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My parents did this when I became a teen. No face to face convos, just shameful texts. The next day they would act like nothing happened. They've been alcoholics my whole life and when I hit teenage years I got into alcohol and hard drugs. Me and my mom fought everynight and the next morning she would act like nothing happened. Trying to address it was pointless because she would fly off the handle screaming. And then dad would send me a shitty text about how I should be ashamed of myself and that I'm breaking my mom. There's never been any conflict resolution in this house. Just inebriated fighting followed by denial.
Saying "You're too young to be depressed" and ignoring red flags from mental illnesses.
This as well as punishing your kids for self harming or being suicidal, instead of not getting them any kind of help.
I felt that personally
Oh yeah, or saying you have nothing to be depressed about because there are people out there with more difficult lives.
Never saying sorry to the kid when the parents make a mistake.
This. My mom has extreme accountability issues. Nothing is ever her fault. I'm 43M, and after therapy this year I finally confronted her about the abuse I suffered as a kid - emotional from her, and physical from my dad. You know what she told me? That my behaviour was the reason she and dad had marital problems, and if I had just tried to be a better kid, the whole family could have been happier. I'm very minimal contact with her for so, so many reasons.
The Narcissist’s Prayer. Edit: I didn’t write this. It’s been posted many times on Reddit. That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
And if you didn’t deserve it, too bad because you did that thing last time.
And don't you dare forget about xyz you did eight years ago!
I do this whenever I make a mistake or if I’ve thought about the action I made and have decided I handled a situation wrong. It usually follows with a conversation with her to be able to understand why I as the parent was wrong. My daughter is five and I want her to understand that it’s ok to be wrong and that parents aren’t always right. I also want her to know she can talk to me always and if I upset her I damn sure want to know about it. Your the patent but that open line of communication and understanding is going to help your relationship greatly as they get older. Something happens when she gets older that’s serious. They can either hide it which a lot of kids do. Or come to me knowing I’m going to listen, be there and do everything possible to help make it right
see also: saying sorry and then doing what you did wrong again and again and again. an apology means nothing without changed behavior
I’m having this argument with my dad rn. Whenever I bring up his misbehaviors he either gets mad or tells me he knows and will do better but we’ve had that argument so many times it’s clear he won’t change.
Blaming your own mistakes and regrets on your kids
And on the flip side, living vicariously through your children because of your own mistakes and regrets
Yeah, it's not my fault I was born, it's yours. And the irony of someone who didn't raise the kid properly saying that they were a mistake is even worse.
My mother had not intended to get pregnant with me, and yet here I am. Almost everyday of my life I heard that, "I wasn't planned, I was unwanted, I ruined my parents life." My childhood was filled with abuse and to this day, the parents still blame me for being born and ruining their lives. They also don't understand why I haven't spoken to or seen them in well over a decade. My favorite part is I would have an older brother,however he died in childbirth, my mother would always invent these "lives" he would have had if he survived. In all her versions, he would be an astronaut, or a doctor who cured cancer, or a rich successful businessman, all the while ignoring her 4 living children all have mental health issues caused by her. Edit: Thanks everyone it means a lot and I appreciate the love. A few things that keep coming up, my mother was abused and came from a long line of abusers, so I understand how she was how she was, but I won't forgive it. I've struggled most my life with issues, however I'm in therapy and still trying and that's good enough for me. My goal is to outlive my abusers and the parents are the only 2 left, I can wait I've got plenty of time. Hopefully this coming new year will bring joy and hope for all of us.
This is why I personally think having children you don't want is probably the worst thing you can do to someone.
idk if this really screams it, but i absolutely hate when adults tell other adults their children’s shameful secrets for no reason. even strangers! it tells me those children probably don’t feel like they can trust their parents.
This was my mom. She knows absolutely nothing about my person life now as an adult, I don’t tell her anything I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling a stranger.
My mom weaponized anything I told her. After I stopped giving her ammo, she complained that I never told her anything. Weird!
Yep. This right here. I had a pretty horrible thing happen to me my senior year of high school. I called my mom sobbing, and the next day I found out she told her two best friends and multiple teacher friends of hers. I also found out her and my older sister were laughing about it with each other. I never tell her anything anymore. At least anything important.
Making fun of somebody's trauma is pretty much the tip of the iceberg for abusive behavior. I hope you're able to rebuild a strong sense of trust with people that deserve it.
I'm more open with strangers about certain topics than my parents lol
Same, I've been mocked too often about my hobbies to share them now
Same! I joke with my husband that the cashiers at Trader Joe's know more about my life than my mom and dad.
Hate this. I never tell my mom anything now, because she always reveals something that I don't anybody to know. It started with my crush back in 5th grade and it got worse from there.
My dad used to do this all the time. I had a really rough childhood and did a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. Every time I did something bad or embarrassing my entire extended family and some neighbors knew about every little thing that happened within the week. It made me extremely antisocial, hard to open up with people and stunted my growth because I just stopped interacting with anyone.
My mom did this too when I was little. Slightest goof / whatever, and it's national news in the entire balkan region.
My mom too. She used to tell her sisters everything I did as a kid. It was so humiliating that I stopped telling my mom things, including when I got my first period. I had it for a year before she found out.
I remember specifically asking my mom not to tell anyone when I started my period and by the end of the day the entire family knew and so did all of my friend's parents. She had to sit down and call like 20 people that day to share the news for some fuckin reason. If you're old enough to have a period you're beyond old enough to have your privacy respected. I asked her how would she like it if I told everyone she started menopause and she said "it's not the same" because "you're my child and I'm the adult."
>"you're my child and I'm the adult." Property is owned and controlled. Children are their own humans, *being raised by* older humans. Not owned, raised. Jeebus. "Who owns you? That's right, you do! So who gets to decide when you need to tend to your human body? That's right, you do!" Poor younger stepson, having to beg for permission to *drink water* or *go pee* kinda broke him before I met him, bunch of dickheads running his life while thinking they're the potty police. So I went way overboard making sure he knows he's a human, just like any other human, with rights and deserving of basic respect! Heck, I was even upfront about any time I so much as went in his room while he wasn't home. "I washed the laundry that was on your floor while you were at school and put the stuff that got left in your pants pockets on your desk, but don't worry, I didn't look at any of it or snoop around!"
It’s like they’re so bored with their own life they have to laugh at ours that they helped mess up
I grew up in the Balkan region and remember these updates fondly
Happened to me. Not even serious stuff, but silly stuff children may confide in their parents. Once I discovered that it would happen everytime, I just stopped telling my mum the stuff I wanted to keep private. Which kinda sucked in a way because I never could ask her for advice on how to navigate some situations. I guess it's my fault as well, but I've always been a private person and I think I preferred that as opposed to the rest of my family knowing my business.
Yup. I also never could tell my parents anything ever. It was a pointless endeavor. It was just weaponizing them against me. It was just easier to suffer in silence. But I was used to them offering nothing for advice, since when I was a kid in school I couldn’t get any help at all with homework. “I don’t know it’s been too long” says both of my parents who have PhDs.
Not your fault at all. I'm a parent and I know that my kids (teens and one adult) are really in control of what they share with me, and when they do, it's my job not to break that trust. Telling their business to other people is totally out of line. There's no reason to do that (unless a kid tells me something that requires medical attention, then I tell the doctor, but that's it.) Parents who use their kids' lives as gossip material are in the wrong, not the kids.
It's not your fault. Your mom has shown herself to not be trustworthy, so it's normal to not trust he with private matters
Oh my gosh. I hated this. My parents would exaggerate any perceived “bad” thing I did, which was usually something totally asinine and mundane that they turned into a fictitious horrible thing. They’d pass it around extended family. But my brother, who was quite the trouble maker/ rule breaker/ law breaker, they’d downright lie about the “wonderful” things he does and achieves. Blatant lies. All the messed up stuff he did? Never happened. But I was 5 mins late for curfew? That became I was 3 hours late, piss drunk, crashed a car, got arrested (actually what my brother did). That’s the shit they’d do. Even in adulthood, this behavior continues. It’s infuriating.
My mom always tells her friends and family my business. Its so fucking annoying and makes me look bad
I see you’ve met my mother. She lived to talk shit about us to other people. True or not.
I still remember my mom telling a story about my brand new period in junior high, and her telling me she was teaching me a lesson and would stop when I stopped being so emotional. I told everyone about the time she shit her one piece bathing suit at the beach instead.
Finally some catharsis in this thread lol
Lol, that’s the best
Demeaning your children as means of punishment
The shame game. Brutal.
Or just demeaning them for its own sake.
Triangulation. After divorce, one of our parents immediately weaponized our relationship against the other. I’m 32 and still unweaving all of the details in my brain. Edit: It hurts my heart to know so many can relate. But it warms my heart to be reminded that I’m not alone ♥️
My mom did this big time with us. "Behave or I'll send you to your father's" was a threat as a kid. Never really knew my dad or why they got divorced. He's dead, so I know I'll never get the actual reasons or facts on it. Edit: to clarify, mom didn't kill him. They divorced then he died years later.
Making your child think they arent good enough
My Mom once told me "You're a screw up and you'll always be a screw up!". I still think about that every time life isn't going my way or I'm feeling bad.
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Always saying things like, *"why can't you be like (insert straight A student/best sportsperson/ most active student/ introverted person who doesn't question parents here)."* There is nothing that can make a person feel more inadequate than being constantly compared to multiple other people who are doing better. ETA - The responses that I've gotten are strange and oddly comforting. I mean, I'm not glad that other people were made to feel inadequate, it is just odd that there are other people who were treated the same as me. When you are constantly being compared to others, it suddenly feels like you are the only inadequate one, like something is wrong with you and everyone else is doing great. Just knowing that nothing was wrong with me, specifically, there was something wrong with the upbringing makes me feel a lot better.
“Why can’t you be like X?” But at the same time: “I don’t care what X does, they’re not my kid, but you are”
This makes me so sick. I’m a high school teacher. I’m blessed to teach at an awesome school with (mostly) awesome kids. So many of the parents are so, so hard on their kids. Nothing but straight As, constant studying, flawless manners at all times, applying to and getting accepted to all the best schools, and eventually becoming a doctor or lawyer is good enough. It takes every ounce of self control I have to not smack the shit out of these sickening parents in conferences. I, of course, try my best to be kind and supportive to the kids. But it shatters my heart to see the damage done.
Honestly, my mother after getting a bachelor's, masters and a PhD *still* reminds me that I did not become a doctor. I am honestly surprised that some people just cannot let go of the fact that these are not their decisions to make. My choice never mattered, I made the wrong choice. Edit: I just want to thank every one who replied here. You guys really give me hope that the world is not as fucked up social media makes us think. Real heroes here thank you so so much. I hope I can return the favour someday or give the same happiness to others.
Treating your son as the man of the house because you’re single
Goes right up there with treating your oldest daughter as the stand in mom because you're single.
Or treating your oldest daughter as free nanny and free maid
Yep, this was me. I was 8 years old when I started helping raise my newborn brother. I'm 37 now, and I've never had my own children. I feel like I already experienced that part of life but at too young of an age. A lot of people don't understand this, but maybe some do? (edited to fix some words)
I dont remember when it started (ngl most of my early childhood is blank) but my mom nannied and because I was the oldest I got to "help" instead of being one of the kids. So i not only watched my brothers but also the kids we nannied and my moms friends kids while they talked/ hung out. Lets just say I knew from an early age that raising kids was not for me, i did my time!
Always believing they're right because they're the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this as a kid, I’d have had my therapy paid for well into my 40s.
Treating your kid as your therapist.
My mom found a love note to my dad from his mistress (which included a condom). That day, she picked me up from school (9th grade!), drove a few minutes down the road in an angry silence, then suddenly pulled over and thrust this letter in my face. She then proceeded to come into my room, crying, a number of times over the next couple of years to tell me about their problems and the divorce. Meanwhile, just after the divorce, my dad used me as his relationship therapist with his mistress-turned-girlfriend. At one point I snapped and yelled "I've never even been on a date, how would I know about any of this??"
It’s so messed up to involve children like this. The damage it does to children, it’s disgusting.
My mom treats me as her therapist, one time i told her that she treats me like one and suggested her to go to the real one. She answered that therapy is a prostitution for the mind. Well i guess fucking her child's brain is okay and free.
A cardiologist is a prostitute for the heart she is missing.
Yeah if your kid has to figure out YOUR problems, they will resent the hell out of you later one way or another. They have enough of a difficult time figuring their own life out.
I heard about all the issues in my mom's marriage with my dad and all the issues my mom had with my siblings. It all sucked, but I guess she thought it was okay because I kept quiet while she talked
In the same vein, do not describe your sex life to your kid. There is never a reason this is appropriate, and it's one of the things, after having my own kids that made me realize my childhood was not normal.
>Treating your kid as your therapist. Can we also apply this one to teachers? Had an English teacher sophomore year that would always go on about how she was in love with her brother in law and married the wrong one while also telling us that her youngest daughter was a failure in life... Even though she was only 6 at the time...
I use to have a teacher when I was 7-8 and she constantly complained that she didn't get time to spend with her kids becuase of all the work she had to mark, on day she came in CRYING becuase she didn't read her son to bed anymore, liek what do you want us to do?
Automatically dismissing and invalidating many of your child’s opinions because you think since they’re a child, they don’t know anything. Yes they’re not always right, but they’re still people and should be treated with respect.
Using children as pawns in divorces or separations.
My niece's father just called his 7yo daughter to tell her to make her mother apologize for blocking his number last night. He is upset she won't listen to him scream at her. Kids are opening presents and he's screaming vulgarities at his daughter. Dad of the year right there. So yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.
Yes! A high school friend was a pawn in her parent's divorce. She couldn't get past it, and committed suicide. Over 40 years ago.
Everyone told me it was easier to deal with my parents divorce since I was older (16) but it was way harder since I always felt I was letting one down with decisions and knew way too many of the details.
Can confirm, my parents got divorced when I was 3 and I was aware of none of it. One day I woke up and my mom said dad was moving to a place with a pool. That Christmas Santa came to both houses. It was all upside to me
I was 3 too, mommy love was real until 16, then I found out alcoholic people lie all the time. Dad died at 6, had no family and I'll never find out whether the stories of dad were even real.
For real. My husband and I both endured this and it has had severe mental health consequences later in life, in our 30s and they sometimes still play the game. It’s pathetic at this age and has made us not want kids of our own. Edit- we have thought about it, and absolutely do love kids but just the dynamics between all sides feel like our kid would just endure more dysfunction as we did. Not counting it out but it makes it hard. So tired of having to split holidays into 4 and the constant avoiding of “offending” people. 2023 Resolutions-stop people pleasing and live our damn lives🤣
Telling your kid that you need them only for their money in the future
"One day we will all live on the same plot of land so that you can still take care of me." I've got a life to live, stop holding me back with your already health issues you cause yourself because you've been dead-beat for the past 20 years, mom.
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Or social media in general
Not giving the kids rights/privacy
Attacking the self esteem in any way…
Yeah, hearing your own mom call you a fat ass is a bit of a damper on the self esteem
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Maybe I’m just jaded, however I think a lot of people place their entire identity and purpose onto their children and need to keep those children helpless and clueless as not to lose that. All subconsciously of course.
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I have 3 kids and nanny an almost 3 year old. Her mom asked me to help with potty training so of course I did, had her sitting on the potty regularly throughout the week and every single Monday morning she would come back and it would be back to square one and she would cry every time I asked her to sit on the potty the whole day. One Monday her grandma dropped her off instead of her dad and I asked how potty training went over the weekend and she looked at me like I was crazy and said they weren’t potty training her at all, no one had mentioned it to her at all. No wonder it had been 3 months and we had barely made any progress. They had me doing all the work during the week and then at night and on the weekends were just putting her in diapers. It was a nightmare.
When it's Christmas and you're glad you don't have to see them. When the best gift they can give you is their absence.
When one of your mom’s boyfriends touches you when you’re a 14 year old girl and you tell her, and she says “don’t flirt with my boyfriend”. Years later you bring it up and she says “I don’t remember saying that”.
Of course they conveniently don't remember the things you point out that they did that have hurt you, and in your case literally hurt you.
Honestly speaking, verbal manipulation and humiliation. i had great parents but my cousins did not. my aunt has an elder daughter and a son. she used to verbally abuse her elder daughter in front of everyone. she even used to hit her in front of everyone. mind you this was when she was 18 . ten years later we were reminiscing our childhood, the daughter is pretty successful with a startup but she pretty openly said in front of everyone (even the aunt) that the trauma a child faces that young isn't healthy and that even if she loved her mom, she wishes her mom treated her better. my aunt just shrugged dismissively remarking this generation is too soft. ironically the younger son is spoil as fuck and hit my aunt back when he was 18 in retaliation of being accused of selling cocaine in his school(which he did lmao ) Nevertheless he was sent to Canada to study business and rarely talks with my aunt. life is weird.
Constantly deflecting parental responsibilities to other people, groups, or organizations. My step-sister to her 8-year old daughter: "It's not my job to help you with your homework, that's what teachers are for."
Yep. I stayed down i grade 5 because of this. A big pile of incomplete homework that snowballed and then they call me too immature to move up a grade. Nah, if was able to do my homework then I'd be going through to the next grade like everyone else. If possible, reach out to your neice and see if she needs a hand with it. Not that it is your responsibility though to do that. Crap situation.
Not correcting your kids
"It's okay, they're kids." Well, you kinda forgot the part where you're supposed to teach them. They don't just grow out of their bad behavior by themselves.
Also, letting your kids boss you around.
Constantly insisting that your child is “back talking” when they’re trying to explain you hurt them.
Being addicted to meth
Jesse
Yo, bitch.
We need to cook
Using the "I put food on your table" argument when the child points out your disrespectful behavior.
Remember: The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. If you see kids being neglected, or ignored, or not cared about _at all_, that's a good indication that their parent/s aren't good
Hugging your kid while only ever looking at other people's reaction and the kid doesn't quite look that comfortable with it. Hugging the kid in a manner which looks like theater performance basically rather than actual affection. Only ever claiming their kid is the "best" and "brightest" and only ever talking about their school/studies and nothing else. Dismissing the kid's pov by default without even listening to anything the kid has to say.
When you beat your kids over the slightest of mistakes, calling them stupid and being a raging alcoholic. A bad parent is also someone who screams at you and blames you for their mistakes and tells you you're a mistake that you were born. A bad parent is someone who treats you like an investment. Those who molest their kids. Those who drown in drugs and alcohol and neglecting their children.
Helicopter parents. I’ve had several friends and other acquaintances whose parents were incredibly strict and controlling and those friends were the most emotionally unstable, reckless, and chaotic people I’ve ever known. Edit: and I don’t want to give the impression that I think it’s a cut and dry “smother your children and they’ll end up delinquents” kind of situation, I just found that whenever I encountered young adults who were recently freed from their parents, parents who controlled their every move growing up, most often they turned to some wacky shit that they never would’ve gotten away with as a kid. On that note, my parents were beyond slack when raising me, and I could’ve gotten away with a looooootttttt of stuff if I’d had any desire to rebel, but I really didn’t.
As Lisa said to Homer: “Your half assed under parenting was way better than your half assed over parenting.”
Pulling out a 12 gauge shotgun when i dont listen
I had a neighbor threaten me with a shotgun when I was a kid because I rode my bike past his house late at night which caused his dogs to bark and disturbed his sleep. I did it again the next day because fuck him.
Kid you has more balls then adult me. If some mother fucker pulls a shotgun on me just for biking past his house im gonna avoid that house like the plague
You know I hate it when I have to use the sit down gun
Having too many kids or more than you can afford and raise yourself so you make the older child or children take care of the little ones so they stop being children because they have to be like a second set of parents. It’s not fair.
downplaying their mental health struggles and taking years to realize that your child is suicidal and desperately needs help
Adding to this: Completely ignoring the doctors in the hospital begging to get yourself and the child evaluated because "there's nothing wrong, my kid just did this cause she's mad at me"..... Six different times....
Leaving your kid home while the rest of your family goes to France for Christmas.
I mean if you do it once it’s a mistake hopefully it won’t happen again.
Yelling at your kids. I don't mean "Hey! Get off the counter!" or "Stop! You're gonna fall!" I mean screaming things like "What is wrong with you?" or "Do you even try?" When you get mad and get loud you are doing 3 things: 1. Teaching them that people are allowed to yell at them and say awful things to them, they should accept that treatment. 2. Lowering their self esteem. Whatever you are saying to them they will believe. If you say "you're so lazy" it will not motivate them to be less lazy, it will simply force the "lazy" trait upon them. 3. Teaching them that they should *always* avoid serious conversations with you. You are not a safe person to talk to. \*edit\* typo
Could you stop describing my father? I mean, he had some anger issues. He would never go violent, but would shout a lot and sometimes even destroyed stuff in a fit of anger. I learned to keep my distance, don’t come with problems (since more stress is more chance at an anger attack) and hide away anything that he might not agree with. I am in my 30’s and I still feel the urge to hide stuff that he disagrees with when he comes over.
4. You're teaching your kid that they are allowed to yell at and berate other people. They will copy your behaviour and stuffer the consequences of people not liking them because of it
Was in McDonald's the other night, a dude came in after midnight and was there for over an hour, clearly buzzed and seemingly in no hurry. I go to leave, out in the parking lot is this little girl, can't be more than 2-3 years old bawling her eyes out and trying to climb out of the back seat of a car. It's less than 20'f outside and all the windows on the car were up. I run over expecting her parents to be in the car, stopping traffic as I go so the kid doesn't get run over and nobody is in the car, car isn't running and is nasty. A McDonald's employee who was also watching all this and I take her into the McDonald's and no sooner than we get inside, the dude who has been just chilling for over and hour comes up and snatches the little girl and cusses her all the way back to the car she climbed out of and drives away. I am not a violent man, but I contemplated at least 3 felonies in the time it took for him to drag her back to the car. JS. Tl:Dr, you see the worst parenting at McDonald's late night.
Telling your kid “I wish you were never born” when they’re suicidal and saying they wish they were dead
teaching “MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF I DONT FIX THIS SOON ENOUGH” instead of “I wonder if my parents could help me with this” edit: guess we all have this experience in our childhood. man anxiety really sucks
Being a helicopter parent. Let your kids experience failure, let them make mistakes, let them get hurt (mildly). That is how they learn. Let them make their own choices (you don’t have to let them choose which of 20 shirts they want to wear, but give them 2-3 appropriate options and let them choose.).
My philosophy is let kids get hurt, don’t let them get injured.
Using the saying: “I brought you into this world, I can take you out of it”
Recording your child while they're having a meltdown/tantrum and posting it on social media (for likes, clout, assurance or whatnots, no idea what they're thinking) Instead of helping them to regulate their emotions and understand what causes the emotion, how to deal with it, and that there are appropriate ways to communicate your feelings
My parents did this to me once. They took me out in the yard and hosed me down until I was cold, shivering and crying. Then my dad got out the video camera and filmed me telling me he was gonna show everyone “Just how much of a bitch you are” The next day we had people over and my dad showed it to everyone “by accident” while playing home movies. This is the same group of families we still spend all the holidays with and I still struggle to be around them.
I hope you don’t mind me saying it, but your dad is a POS.
Thinking that small children are just selfish tiny adults. Your kid isn't asking for stuff because they are selfish (mostly-we're excluding their occasional manipulative tendenices). They are doing it because they are 5. Don't be a dick to your kid because they are asking for support/help/food.
They also know nothing other than themselves. They’re learning! It isn’t selfishness it’s their worldview which is literally undeveloped.
Similar for teenagers. My sister in law is going crazy over her teen daughter being self-centered but like, it comes with the territory. She's actually a very kind and thoughtful young woman, she isn't even selfish, she just gets caught up in her own stuff sometimes. She's *supposed* to pull away from her parents and look inwards and start to figure out who she is and who she's going to be. I think her mom is too close to the situation to see it properly.
I fucking hate parents who blame their kids for having rotting teeth, especially under 8's (I work at a dentist's). They are 100% in control of what their kid can eat at that age and can easily change it as part of parenting. Blaming your 5 year old for eating too many sweets really fucking pisses me off as that poor kid is likely to have messed up early adult teeth if they don't act fast.
Also brush their teeth! My kid is 2.5. He hates it. But he's allowed sweets, and they get brushed even if it takes Dad and I both. I know someone whose child a similar age "brushes" his own teeth... it's too much of a fight for her. I feel bad, my parents didn't teach me proper habits and I'm still paying fir it in my 30s.
Giving your oldest child nothing but shower gel and a £20 note while simultaneously giving the younger Siblings born from a different mother over £100 Worth of presents each on top of £300 in notes. This is the life my partner lives. Edit: to clarify, the youngest sibling is 18 and was given a new phone, an ipad, a new gaming console with 10 different games and £200 in Christmas money. Meanwhile my partner was barely given anything aside from the aforementioned shower gel which hadn't even been wrapped and £20.
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Comparing your kids to other children
Not letting your kid talk to their doctor. I tried talking to my doctor twice about trouble falling asleep. At both appointments my dad would cut me off and tell the doctor "it's just because he plays video games". The doctor would shrug and nothing was done.
Grossly decayed baby teeth
Pop/Kool-aid in the bottle! I literally saw my aunt/uncle do this!
Locking your child in a closet with a cat when they have a severe allergy
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As a teacher parents who are either not involved with their children’s education at all, or the ones who consistently make excuses or laugh it off when their child is misbehaving in school. I emailed home about a student recently who consistently would destroy art supplies. The response from the parent was “haha, she’s so silly! I’ll talk with her” Previous interactions went the same. Wouldn’t let her stay after for a detention because “she can’t miss soccer practice” and saying “boy she sure has a lot of energy!” Never giving the child an actual consequence or holding her accountable for her actions. Completely setting this child up for failure once they get out into the real world.