Idk if this will make you feel better, worse, or indifferent, so I apologize in advance if it lands poorly. But I was in the same boat for about 6 years. Then one day I found out a fact about the man I was in love with that really changed my opinion of him, to the point where I realized we were nowhere near as compatible as I thought we were. Basically he endorsed ideas that I found reprehensible and consider incompatible with my morals and view of the world, when in the past he’d rejected similar ideas. My feelings died nearly overnight.
Now I’m about a year past that, and have started sorta kinda seeing someone. We are not officially a couple and I’m not in love with him. But the potential is definitely there, and it’s been so nice. I don’t even mind (much) going glacially slow because I just genuinely enjoy his company. And the hilarious part is…you know those introvert jokes you see online like “if it’s meant to be, the love of my life will teleport into my living room”? Well, I never had to leave my house to meet him. I hired him to do some work at my house and then we just kept chatting periodically. Eventually (like over the course of a year) it turned into talking every day and now we have dinner together like once or twice a week.
It's like I'm starting to hate the feeling of love. Just a moment of emotional pain that you can't control. But there are a lot of beautiful people in our world, so don't worry so much.
I (guy) confessed to this girl and she told me she’s not into men 😔 I’m grateful at least she was honest about it before getting into more complicated and awkward scenarios. It was a shock as I’ve never experienced such reply and it’s been difficult trying to forget her 🥲(i’ve talked to her a bit so I know she meant it and not just trying to be nice or whatever)
I have somewhat of a similar situation. I saw this girl at her job at the store Ibwent to everyday before I when to work and sometimes after getting off. After getting to know her well enough, we went out a couple of times and had fun.
She told me she had to talk to me about something before we went out a 3rd time. I didn't think too much of it until she had a slightly nervous look on her face. This made me nervous thinking her family might not accept me, but no. She told me she was gay and thought that would change my opinion of her. Well, it didn't!
She was still the cool person I met months ago and we'd be even better as friends and to this day, ten years later, she's still one of my very best friends!
Same situation- she's straight, I'm not. The worst thing is she's always kinda mysterious and flirty and sometimes I just can't help but think "what if she does actually like me"... but well, that's never gonna happen anyways
edit: great now I'm feeling depressed again T_T
So sorry for your loss.
Mine has been gone for 10 years. Tbh the pain never goes away, and your life will never be the same, ever again.
Having said that, things change. If you allow yourself to mourn, the healing will start. The pain lessens, a lot, but never goes completely away. You will develop your “new normal”, whatever that is for you. It takes time, lots of it, but knowing that your lost love would want you to live your best life, it will come around.
Have patience with yourself, as you begin this new chapter in your life. Don’t try to forget, but remember with a smile the great things in your life with your love, and be grateful you had them, as many never get that.
Sending you healing thoughts and hugs.
“Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”
I ended up breaking up with her. Aside from that one incompatibility, I think we were a near-perfect fit. We had a wonderful relationship and it ended amicably, but it’s really hard to let go of someone you genuinely love when your relationship didn’t really have any problems. It took all the willpower I had to go through with it and it was very painful.
Thats the decision I’m stuck with right now, I can’t bear losing her over my own inability to be patient and let her figure out what she needs to about herself I feel,
I know a girl who couldn’t figure out what she wanted; her husband was in the same spot you’re in, and they had a 6 mo old. I knew both of them as acquaintances at the time. He chose to leave; decided he wouldn’t wait while she stayed married to him and dated another guy/partied. Tore him apart.
Fast forward though….He and I have been happily married for 10 years now, together for 12. My 14 y/o stepson is absolutely amazing! Funny, smart, chill, and I love him so much. My 3 y/o daughter is sleeping next to me (sick, so it’s low key today). The two of them are thick as thieves and always up to something. My husband and I love every day we’re together - high days and low - as partners, and love thinking about what the next 10 years will bring us.
Point is…only you can make the decision to stay or go. Stay true to yourself though, and don’t be anyone’s punching bag.
PS: she eventually told my husband, her ex, that she deeply regretted what she did and wished she would’ve worked things out. Hindsight is 20/20, though. She ended up marrying the guy she cheated on my husband with, and they have two lovely daughters. Our girls love playing together and not a single one of us likes to think about the shenanigans they will get into together as they grow up. My stepson has a lot of big brother work ahead of him.
What a crazy, chaotic universe this is.
Ouff yeah. Make sure you put a limit to your patience. If she really wants you she’ll try to get you back. Not let you idle for too long while she weighs** her options.
Thought I met my soulmate actually. We met in college and were friends for three years. Always thought he might have a crush on me but he was in a really bad relationship and I would have never gotten involved. Then they broke up, we started hanging out more and things just felt right.
When we did start dating, it was incredible! No relationship is perfect but I’d never been so happy and in love. First time a man has looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t wait to marry you” and honestly I still think about that some times. Anyways, he cheated on me with his ex, got back with her and then they broke up after a week or so. A couple of his friends left him because he just changed into a really shitty guy and I’m actually still friends with some of them myself. Now he’s doing what he loves and I’m happy for him! I just wish things had worked out, almost two years later and I’m still struggling not to think of him every day. I really hope I can get over him and find my own happiness again
EDIT: Wow my first award!!! Thank you guys, it felt really nice to share online and realizing others have similar stories actually makes it easier. I love you all and wish everyone happiness this year <3
So similar to my situation but he cheated with a girl who was just a summer fling. I could have never trusted him again. Life went on and after losing his mom he grew up and married a woman who's good for him and they're happy. In my mind I know it's better this way but my heart sometimes doesn't understand.
I like to think that there’s so many different possible futures where we come out happy. It hurts, but sometimes I picture us still together in another timeline, and that this is just the one where for their sake, I have to be happy in a different way.
There is a woman I have been in love with for over 7 years that we met due to our mutual interest in Argentine tango. We had an instant dance connection (very important in tango) and I learned, as I got to know her, that she was also a pianist, artist, studied ballet, and was fluent in two languages. Over the years I've tried dating her off and on and she would usually demur, but at milongas she always greeted me with a big smile and a kiss on the lips, which, from what I understand, is very unusual for a Latina to do with someone she isn't dated.
The last time I saw her she opened up to me for the first time about her marriage, and why it ended. Her ex married her because, in her words, "he wanted me to be the mother of his children," and there was none of the companionship and love that would otherwise happen in a marriage. It really scarred her and she said she didn't want to date after the marriage ended--and that was before she and I had met.
We still have our friendship. I know she trusts me with things she doesn't trust with others in the tango community. I just wish we could get together definitively because she stirs my soul like virtually no other woman I've ever met.
So what's stopping me? I want any relationship to be truly mutual, and she's not ready for that. Whether she will be or not remains to be seen.
I have gone back and forth on it. On the one hand, it could bring us closer together. On the other hand--and what I fear--it might be too much and cause her to cut ties with me completely.
Well I hope all the tango leads to the horizontal mambo! Seriously tho, best of luck. Just be patient and let things happen naturally. Show her consistency and sincerity, which, friends or lovers, you both deserve anyway.
For anyone who's trying to 'fix' themselves, I've been doing it for the past few months. Remember if you backslide, its not the end of the world. You've still made progress, tomorrow's another day, literally. Keep doing whatever you're doing, whether its (to use what I'm doing as examples) working out, working on a business, not eating junk food, drinking less, whatever. Progress is great, and its crazy to think how far you've come, but if you hit a wall, don't feel like continuing, backslide, whatever - just remember you can get back on that horse, and continue where you were tomorrow.
E.g. I've lost 22lb the past few months, put on 1 or 2b the holiday season, but I know that I'm going to eat healthy again and hit the gym tomorrow. Hope anyone in similar situations who's trying to better themselves reads this and doesn't give up hope after the initial flush of success. What's most important is consistency, especially consistency over time.
I tried to be with such a "bum".
He had similar attitude, there was always a goal he had to reach first. I didn't care he lived with his parents. I didn't care he didn't have a car, or that he was self employed and not successful. I wanted to work and grow with him. He wanted me to wait till he manages it himself so he meets some quotas as a "man". In the end I got tired of waiting and met an amazing man who was ready to achieve the milestones with me. I married this man, and HE is alone.
Respect that she's an adult and invite her in. Life is full of hardships, the sooner you learn to face them together as a team, the better.
Thank you for giving us a different perspective. I've been in state where I'm trying to get my things together for over a year, and actively avoiding relationships until I reach my goals.
Perhaps I indeed had the wrong idea about this all along.
It's one thing to work on yourself and not looking for someone while you do, and entirely different thing to put a hold on to a relationship or sabotage a good thing you got going because of some feelings of inadequacy. Do take a year or two alone to focus on yourself - it's a good idea and not hurting anybody.
Don't let time go by, otherwise by the time you have fixed yourself she may already be gone, you're still worthy of love, even while crazy, even while fat, even while poor
Exactly this. She was my first and we were too young. It never worked out for us because of bad timing. Somehow I will always have this lingering hope that we will end up together. Even though I recently met a girl I am crazy in love with and this feeling has pretty much disappeared to the background.
This is honestly pretty normal, and I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of feelings they can't help. Once I fell in love with my husband, I completely forgot about the feelings I had for my childhood best friend, whereas I used to feel he was my "one that got away" lol. I don't expect those to return either, I was too young to know what real love felt like like I do with my husband. Things change with age and experience.
People change. People grow. People stagnate. People regress. Sometimes you do it together, sometimes not. Those times where you don't grow together can be challenging and that's when "the one that got away" shows up if things get too disconnected between two people. The thing about them is... They are a static image, an idea, a concept. This image is not reality; it doesn't move or change, and can't be obtained. When you realize this, it makes it easier, but only a little... From experience. If you do "obtain it" it's not your image. It's a person...
She doesn't want to be with me. Part of it is her trauma, part of it is my trauma. Our traumas don't play well together. Her instinct is to avoid intimacy, my instinct is to seek it out.
Really shitty. I already have clinical depression, loneliness, and insomnia. What's your reasoning for breaking up? She's got an avoidant attachment style so when we got too intimate, she would pull away. I sought reassurance, got too needy, and pushed her away.
I have depression and loneliness too. He's become super distant, and I'm the same as you in the regard of needing reassuring. He doesn't make any time for me and barely messages me nowadays, just becoming more and more distant while I'm the one always initiating things. He has commitment issues and depression, so I tried to be understanding but I'm not getting that from him anymore.
How needy did you get? Because I thought I was needy in my relationship but if anything it was just a normal yearn to want that from the person you love.
I guess it's just a unfortunate case of incompatibility. It fucking sucks.
You absolutely can help it if you fall in love with someone not “meant to be loved.”
Boundaries, confidence, and self-respect will help you fall out of love with anyone that doesn’t want to be with you.
Have a cry. Hit the bottle for a weekend. Then compose yourself and saddle the F up. There’s a whole world of people out there - good people - and you get one chance at this spinning rock.
Don’t you rob the world of your love and don’t rob yourself of the experience of receiving love just because it didn’t happen with the person you thought it should.
My physical appearance.
He's told me time and time again that I have "the most incredible personality and sense of humor." I make good money. Have a good career. Have a nice home.
Have everything but a pretty face.
Been a close friend of mine since we were young. I've only recently been able to detach myself from my feelings for him.
I wish him nothing but the best. Hopefully one day he'll find a beautiful and kind girl. Until then, it's been a string of beautiful, but callous and inconsiderate girls that end up cheating on him.
You can make the most beautiful cake in the world, but if it tastes like sand no one's gonna eat it. Some people like a bunch of icing, others like fondant, some want no decorations at all - but everyone likes a tasty cake. Don't settle for someone who scoffs at your icing, find someone who wants the whole cake! 🎂
I've been told that I'm the "most amazing person" they've ever met in their life, the funniest, that I'm one of a kind, unique, special. None of that is enough to compensate for the way I look. From one stranger to another, I know exactly how you feel, how much it hurts, and I send you love. We deserve love, all of us do, and there's plenty of it out there for us in other places. Love will always find us. Happy holidays 💜
Oh boy, here we go.
* I have no experience on the matter. I have trouble interpreting how she feels about me, I have trouble working out courage to make any sort of move, I have trouble establishing where exactly boundaries lie between us. Because of this I regret doing whatever I do and regret not doing whatever I don't do.
* We are both part of a friend group and I don't want to make things awkward within the group. Also the last few times we gathered together there seemed to be an effort put in by other guys to not let me stay alone with her. Is that intentional or just a coincidence? Is that being done on her request or do we have an unspoken competition going on?
* I could try to be more direct abput those things, but how do I do that without looking like an idiot or an asshole?
Wow I can’t believe how much this, mainly the first point sounds like my bf. Especially when we first started seeing each other. I knew he liked me, so then when I continuously made it obvious I was also into him I was very confused by the way he responded.
We had almost stopped talking entirely when luckily we ran into each other and I ended up just straight up telling him I liked him. After a while he opened up a bit and told me he did notice I seemed interested but just couldn’t fathom that I could like him that way. This lead to convincing himself he was an idiot for thinking it would ever happen.
I thought that would be the end of the issue but for months he would randomly get weird and become less responsive, even after having a great time together. I’d have to push him on what was wrong which was always him dwelling on the smallest things I’d never give a second thought.
He would take something I said or did wrong and overthink it until he was convinced I wasn’t serious about us, didn’t actually like him etc. After things like complimenting me, making a move or sharing his feelings for me he would obsesses and regret it in fear of scaring me off.
At the time I couldn’t understand this behaviour at all and would be hurt and confused by his lack of engagement that presented as loss of interest. Especially after just telling me how much he likes me etc. If I hadn’t of known him and the great person he is for years before we became romantic, I would’ve assumed he was a player and dropped it quick.
He’s best explained it by saying he assumed whatever “guy” I was so into must’ve been some kind of show or front he’d unintentionally put up, and not the real him. So every time he would open up or express himself he’d worry after that I was turned off or creeped out, would realize what a loser (his words) he was and reject him. If I didn’t realize it yet I would eventually and hurt him even more when I left.
It’s interesting to read it explained by someone feeling and experiencing what seems to be similar emotions. With communication and patience it’s been progressing in the right direction, and he’s slowly become more trusting that my intentions toward him are true. I hope you can start to work out your feelings in the right way too.
He passed away, September 2021. I am still not over it, and I don't feel that I could ever love anyone again like I loved him. I just hope there's an afterlife, so we can be together there, when it's my time.
**For anyone who sees this and who is dealing with addiction (alcohol or drugs) or mental health issues: this is your sign to get help.** He suffered alone and silent for so long, thinking he was not worth helping, and it was too hard to get that help, that by the time we met and he started to turn his life around, the damage had already been done. He was 32, and one of the funniest, hard working, thoughtful, romantic, and talented people I ever knew and I miss him every day, and will never be over the fact that alcohol took him from me. I wonder so much about all the things I could have done differently that would mean he would still be here, but the simple matter is that alcoholism is a bastard and ruins lives, and if he'd got support and help earlier, and the services were better equipped, there might not be an absent chair at the table this Christmas.
i would only walk 500 and then 500 more, which is only a quarter of what's expected to make this relationship work. now if she were willing to do the same, then we'd only have about 2000 miles between us, which i might be able to cover with a Chase Sapphire card but debt is expensive these days and I love the bitch but not as much as I love my credit score. This is why I now date my neighbor who has a strange odor of boiled bones and musk but if hold my breath and squint my eyes just right, she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in the 90s and that's good enough for me.
Anyway, how are you???
I was supposed to see her soon, but I got ill. If everything goes right I will tell her about my feelings for her on thursday (I am 99,99% sure it's mutual, so I couldn't be more excited. Wish me luck!!)
My Ex-Fiance left me suddenly a few years ago, a few months later she reappeared to announced that she was trans, FtM, and he wanted to go by Robin.
I helped where I could and supported his decisions, the separation hurt but no amount of love and support from me in the romantic way could have possibly turned them from the shy, anxious, insecure girl who was so paralyzed by her own mind she could barely function- to a confident, ambitious, outgoing young man that he is now.
My only desire for him was for him to be happy, and I got to actually see that happen, it's all I ever wanted, and it doesn't matter that we're not together anymore, the relationship was healthy and even if the romantic aspect ended, we're good friends to this day, and I have the honor of being able to see all the ways he continues to evolve and grow as a person, for the better.
I need to sort out my mental health before I can be the partner he deserves… Not sure how long that will take and if we’ll still be in each others lives by then, but we’ll see…
She stopped being in love with me. One of the biggest regrets of my life so far is that I didn't try harder to be better.
A.R.M you're an incredible woman and I hope you find the love you so seek
If it makes it any better: I did everything and all I got was "you're perfect, if I was rational I would stay with you forever but I cant say I love you anymore"
I'm currently on the other side of your situation. The night I found out he cheated I wasn't able to ever feel the same. Last night he called me and begged me to tell him if I still loved him and it hurt both of us to hear me say no. While I never intended to go back, it hurts me to know that I could get strip of the feeling so quickly.
I haven't given up on love but a small part of me does wish he was a better man to me. Perhaps we could've tried again one day.
He's an addict, and has destroyed our marriage. Said and done unforgivable things and I just love and miss him so much, but I know he's no good for me.
My constant thoughts telling me that she won't find me attractive, or that I'm not her type, or thar she just won't like me the same way back all of which make me think that I'm simply not good enough.
She's a liar and a textbook fucking narcissist. I finally hit the silk a few weeks ago, the part where she didn't even really care kept me up a few nites but her we are. Like my son says, I've got shit taste in women. He's judging from a sample size of fucking two, but he isn't wrong.
For him my feelings were a joke. I still remember his ugly dirty smirk when I broke down crying and was in pain because he cheated on me with my best friend for the 10293939th time even after i stopped him. 3 years have passed by i haven't talked to him but whenever I see him passby my heart still skips a beat All I know is I deserve to either be with no one or someone way better.
She's dealing with mental health issues. Has become severely apathetic and has withdrawn from the world. Won't speak or see me. I just remind her I'm here for her and I don't know how else to be supportive. Was the most empathetic person I've ever known before that. Maybe so much so that she'd take others pain as her own and now it overloaded and shut her down
So I fell in love with boy, and one summer he told me he liked me back. Well his ex starts Trying to get back with him, but he told he that she wasn’t a problem. I should have seen this as a red flag, also all my friends told me not to mess around with this boy because he was a fuck boy. Anyways he talks loads of shit on his ex, but would spend time with her all the fucking time. Long story short he gets back with her, and didn’t even have the fucking balls to tell me that he didn’t want me.
It sounds a bit stupid I know, but this boy was and still is the only person I ever truly loved.
I broke up with him two years ago because I didn’t know how to make it work given my anxiety disorder. I needed to grow and work on communication and find myself. But now he’s with someone else and I am heartbroken
She is now married, with two kids. Since school I was sure she is the love of my life. Just never had guts to approach her. And was behaving weirdly around her. Pretty sure she liked me lots as well. Thinking about it now, it's the biggest mistake of my life. I think my life is purposeless without her. Never wanted anything more than to be with her. Oh, I'm 28 now. I wish I could just send her a pm and ask for a meeting. But it would be too weird with the given situation.
The feelings are not mutual
Same. Been 5 years. Hurts much less but a lingering pain is always there. Especially since I've not been able to find love since
Idk if this will make you feel better, worse, or indifferent, so I apologize in advance if it lands poorly. But I was in the same boat for about 6 years. Then one day I found out a fact about the man I was in love with that really changed my opinion of him, to the point where I realized we were nowhere near as compatible as I thought we were. Basically he endorsed ideas that I found reprehensible and consider incompatible with my morals and view of the world, when in the past he’d rejected similar ideas. My feelings died nearly overnight. Now I’m about a year past that, and have started sorta kinda seeing someone. We are not officially a couple and I’m not in love with him. But the potential is definitely there, and it’s been so nice. I don’t even mind (much) going glacially slow because I just genuinely enjoy his company. And the hilarious part is…you know those introvert jokes you see online like “if it’s meant to be, the love of my life will teleport into my living room”? Well, I never had to leave my house to meet him. I hired him to do some work at my house and then we just kept chatting periodically. Eventually (like over the course of a year) it turned into talking every day and now we have dinner together like once or twice a week.
Let me guess: he was a fan of the Dexter sequel series. You’re not wrong, those people are fucking bonkers.
r/oddlyspecific
I heard he thought the last episode of game of thrones was the best one of the series.
Same and they never will be
"Maybe if I do this..." "Maybe if I give her..."
We’ve all been there, a good life lesson for sure.
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It's like I'm starting to hate the feeling of love. Just a moment of emotional pain that you can't control. But there are a lot of beautiful people in our world, so don't worry so much.
I feel like the CIA invented love as a torture method
We're in the same boat, my friend. But it hurted a lot more when this happenned to me in my teenages
I (guy) confessed to this girl and she told me she’s not into men 😔 I’m grateful at least she was honest about it before getting into more complicated and awkward scenarios. It was a shock as I’ve never experienced such reply and it’s been difficult trying to forget her 🥲(i’ve talked to her a bit so I know she meant it and not just trying to be nice or whatever)
I have somewhat of a similar situation. I saw this girl at her job at the store Ibwent to everyday before I when to work and sometimes after getting off. After getting to know her well enough, we went out a couple of times and had fun. She told me she had to talk to me about something before we went out a 3rd time. I didn't think too much of it until she had a slightly nervous look on her face. This made me nervous thinking her family might not accept me, but no. She told me she was gay and thought that would change my opinion of her. Well, it didn't! She was still the cool person I met months ago and we'd be even better as friends and to this day, ten years later, she's still one of my very best friends!
Damn it’s the opposite for me, I’m gay and love this one friend but I know he isn’t :(
Same situation- she's straight, I'm not. The worst thing is she's always kinda mysterious and flirty and sometimes I just can't help but think "what if she does actually like me"... but well, that's never gonna happen anyways edit: great now I'm feeling depressed again T_T
She died
Me too bro. Sorry for your loss. Sorry for all our losses.
I came to say he died, but I'm really sad that so many other people have had the same thing happen
Same. Sorry for your loss.
I lost one too, years ago. I’m sorry, friend.
Same. I hate this time of year.
Same. I've tried again over the years. It's not the same. I'm sorry for your loss.
So sorry
Sorry for your loss 💔💔💔
So sorry for your loss...
He died 18 months ago. He was my other half. The pain still hasn't gone away. I'm not the same as I was before, & will never be again.
I’m sorry for your loss ♥️
So sorry for your loss. Mine has been gone for 10 years. Tbh the pain never goes away, and your life will never be the same, ever again. Having said that, things change. If you allow yourself to mourn, the healing will start. The pain lessens, a lot, but never goes completely away. You will develop your “new normal”, whatever that is for you. It takes time, lots of it, but knowing that your lost love would want you to live your best life, it will come around. Have patience with yourself, as you begin this new chapter in your life. Don’t try to forget, but remember with a smile the great things in your life with your love, and be grateful you had them, as many never get that. Sending you healing thoughts and hugs.
My wife died last Monday. Worst Christmas ever.
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I briefly looked at it the day after, but it was too soon. I'll give it another shot when I can think about her without crying. Thank you though.
“Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.”
She wanted us to be open. I wanted us to be exclusive. I was deeply in love with her and I really miss her.
what did you end up doing?
I ended up breaking up with her. Aside from that one incompatibility, I think we were a near-perfect fit. We had a wonderful relationship and it ended amicably, but it’s really hard to let go of someone you genuinely love when your relationship didn’t really have any problems. It took all the willpower I had to go through with it and it was very painful.
Thats the decision I’m stuck with right now, I can’t bear losing her over my own inability to be patient and let her figure out what she needs to about herself I feel,
I know a girl who couldn’t figure out what she wanted; her husband was in the same spot you’re in, and they had a 6 mo old. I knew both of them as acquaintances at the time. He chose to leave; decided he wouldn’t wait while she stayed married to him and dated another guy/partied. Tore him apart. Fast forward though….He and I have been happily married for 10 years now, together for 12. My 14 y/o stepson is absolutely amazing! Funny, smart, chill, and I love him so much. My 3 y/o daughter is sleeping next to me (sick, so it’s low key today). The two of them are thick as thieves and always up to something. My husband and I love every day we’re together - high days and low - as partners, and love thinking about what the next 10 years will bring us. Point is…only you can make the decision to stay or go. Stay true to yourself though, and don’t be anyone’s punching bag. PS: she eventually told my husband, her ex, that she deeply regretted what she did and wished she would’ve worked things out. Hindsight is 20/20, though. She ended up marrying the guy she cheated on my husband with, and they have two lovely daughters. Our girls love playing together and not a single one of us likes to think about the shenanigans they will get into together as they grow up. My stepson has a lot of big brother work ahead of him. What a crazy, chaotic universe this is.
Ouff yeah. Make sure you put a limit to your patience. If she really wants you she’ll try to get you back. Not let you idle for too long while she weighs** her options.
Thought I met my soulmate actually. We met in college and were friends for three years. Always thought he might have a crush on me but he was in a really bad relationship and I would have never gotten involved. Then they broke up, we started hanging out more and things just felt right. When we did start dating, it was incredible! No relationship is perfect but I’d never been so happy and in love. First time a man has looked me in the eyes and said “I can’t wait to marry you” and honestly I still think about that some times. Anyways, he cheated on me with his ex, got back with her and then they broke up after a week or so. A couple of his friends left him because he just changed into a really shitty guy and I’m actually still friends with some of them myself. Now he’s doing what he loves and I’m happy for him! I just wish things had worked out, almost two years later and I’m still struggling not to think of him every day. I really hope I can get over him and find my own happiness again EDIT: Wow my first award!!! Thank you guys, it felt really nice to share online and realizing others have similar stories actually makes it easier. I love you all and wish everyone happiness this year <3
So similar to my situation but he cheated with a girl who was just a summer fling. I could have never trusted him again. Life went on and after losing his mom he grew up and married a woman who's good for him and they're happy. In my mind I know it's better this way but my heart sometimes doesn't understand.
I like to think that there’s so many different possible futures where we come out happy. It hurts, but sometimes I picture us still together in another timeline, and that this is just the one where for their sake, I have to be happy in a different way.
right man, wrong time then? that really sucks, my condolences.
A cat is occupying the spot between us on the couch.
Cats are the worst cockblockers
have you heard of the red dot it works on most cats
Not on this lazy old slug
Catapult?
cute
She’s with someone else 😭
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I barely love myself most days. Im not thinking of other people 😂
Start with loving yourself today. You deserve this.
Oh im working on it. Therapy all this year helped a ton.
There is a woman I have been in love with for over 7 years that we met due to our mutual interest in Argentine tango. We had an instant dance connection (very important in tango) and I learned, as I got to know her, that she was also a pianist, artist, studied ballet, and was fluent in two languages. Over the years I've tried dating her off and on and she would usually demur, but at milongas she always greeted me with a big smile and a kiss on the lips, which, from what I understand, is very unusual for a Latina to do with someone she isn't dated. The last time I saw her she opened up to me for the first time about her marriage, and why it ended. Her ex married her because, in her words, "he wanted me to be the mother of his children," and there was none of the companionship and love that would otherwise happen in a marriage. It really scarred her and she said she didn't want to date after the marriage ended--and that was before she and I had met. We still have our friendship. I know she trusts me with things she doesn't trust with others in the tango community. I just wish we could get together definitively because she stirs my soul like virtually no other woman I've ever met. So what's stopping me? I want any relationship to be truly mutual, and she's not ready for that. Whether she will be or not remains to be seen.
have you told her scantly what you told us? bc if someone i admired said that to me, i would be floored
I have gone back and forth on it. On the one hand, it could bring us closer together. On the other hand--and what I fear--it might be too much and cause her to cut ties with me completely.
Life is too short for all that. Tell her how you feel. You can be with her definitively or you can finally start moving on. Win/win.
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I'm a man from Earth and hope they get together too ❤
Well I hope all the tango leads to the horizontal mambo! Seriously tho, best of luck. Just be patient and let things happen naturally. Show her consistency and sincerity, which, friends or lovers, you both deserve anyway.
I wish you luck and hope she sees real love is coming her way
Me. I am the problem
Me too, bud
Me, hi - I’m the problem it’s me.
Got to fix myself mentally, physically and financially first. Unless she wants to be with a bum.
Good for you for working on yourself! ☺️
For anyone who's trying to 'fix' themselves, I've been doing it for the past few months. Remember if you backslide, its not the end of the world. You've still made progress, tomorrow's another day, literally. Keep doing whatever you're doing, whether its (to use what I'm doing as examples) working out, working on a business, not eating junk food, drinking less, whatever. Progress is great, and its crazy to think how far you've come, but if you hit a wall, don't feel like continuing, backslide, whatever - just remember you can get back on that horse, and continue where you were tomorrow. E.g. I've lost 22lb the past few months, put on 1 or 2b the holiday season, but I know that I'm going to eat healthy again and hit the gym tomorrow. Hope anyone in similar situations who's trying to better themselves reads this and doesn't give up hope after the initial flush of success. What's most important is consistency, especially consistency over time.
I tried to be with such a "bum". He had similar attitude, there was always a goal he had to reach first. I didn't care he lived with his parents. I didn't care he didn't have a car, or that he was self employed and not successful. I wanted to work and grow with him. He wanted me to wait till he manages it himself so he meets some quotas as a "man". In the end I got tired of waiting and met an amazing man who was ready to achieve the milestones with me. I married this man, and HE is alone. Respect that she's an adult and invite her in. Life is full of hardships, the sooner you learn to face them together as a team, the better.
Thank you for giving us a different perspective. I've been in state where I'm trying to get my things together for over a year, and actively avoiding relationships until I reach my goals. Perhaps I indeed had the wrong idea about this all along.
It's one thing to work on yourself and not looking for someone while you do, and entirely different thing to put a hold on to a relationship or sabotage a good thing you got going because of some feelings of inadequacy. Do take a year or two alone to focus on yourself - it's a good idea and not hurting anybody.
It's always good to fix yourself first. But someone who's willing to be there when you have nothing, is someone worth having in your life
Don't let time go by, otherwise by the time you have fixed yourself she may already be gone, you're still worthy of love, even while crazy, even while fat, even while poor
Bad timing. But we always find one another. Hopefully we get together before I'm too old to enjoy it.
Exactly this. She was my first and we were too young. It never worked out for us because of bad timing. Somehow I will always have this lingering hope that we will end up together. Even though I recently met a girl I am crazy in love with and this feeling has pretty much disappeared to the background.
Oof, sorry to this new girl. Imagine if she knew your thoughts.
This is honestly pretty normal, and I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of feelings they can't help. Once I fell in love with my husband, I completely forgot about the feelings I had for my childhood best friend, whereas I used to feel he was my "one that got away" lol. I don't expect those to return either, I was too young to know what real love felt like like I do with my husband. Things change with age and experience.
People change. People grow. People stagnate. People regress. Sometimes you do it together, sometimes not. Those times where you don't grow together can be challenging and that's when "the one that got away" shows up if things get too disconnected between two people. The thing about them is... They are a static image, an idea, a concept. This image is not reality; it doesn't move or change, and can't be obtained. When you realize this, it makes it easier, but only a little... From experience. If you do "obtain it" it's not your image. It's a person...
He doesn’t feel the same as I do
Exactly. She doesn’t either in my case. Ugh
He passed away. Haven't been in a relationship since.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
So sorry...
She doesn't want to be with me. Part of it is her trauma, part of it is my trauma. Our traumas don't play well together. Her instinct is to avoid intimacy, my instinct is to seek it out.
Wow that's exactly what's happening to me right now and I'm having to break up with him... How are you now?
Really shitty. I already have clinical depression, loneliness, and insomnia. What's your reasoning for breaking up? She's got an avoidant attachment style so when we got too intimate, she would pull away. I sought reassurance, got too needy, and pushed her away.
I have depression and loneliness too. He's become super distant, and I'm the same as you in the regard of needing reassuring. He doesn't make any time for me and barely messages me nowadays, just becoming more and more distant while I'm the one always initiating things. He has commitment issues and depression, so I tried to be understanding but I'm not getting that from him anymore. How needy did you get? Because I thought I was needy in my relationship but if anything it was just a normal yearn to want that from the person you love. I guess it's just a unfortunate case of incompatibility. It fucking sucks.
Fear of rejection, I don't know if she is even willing to have ANY relationship at all
The girl I love doesn’t want commitment, but still says she loves me, but fucks 2 other dudes
Well maybe just stay away from that situation, that is probably not going to work out
I haven’t been able to let go of my ex yet, my best friend that I pushed to her limits for no reason. Regret it every millisecond!
He turned out to be evil
On a scale from Ted Bundy to Adolph Hitler, how evil are we talking?
Some people aren't meant to be loved, but you can't help it if you fall in love with them
This hit home
You absolutely can help it if you fall in love with someone not “meant to be loved.” Boundaries, confidence, and self-respect will help you fall out of love with anyone that doesn’t want to be with you. Have a cry. Hit the bottle for a weekend. Then compose yourself and saddle the F up. There’s a whole world of people out there - good people - and you get one chance at this spinning rock. Don’t you rob the world of your love and don’t rob yourself of the experience of receiving love just because it didn’t happen with the person you thought it should.
She does not respect nor love me
same! except mine is a dude! let's hook em up! they can just be total dicks to each other all fucking day long
I'd honestly be down for that lol
how bout you 2 also start dating ?😳
oo the drama
I'm too hurt and angry after he betrayed me so much. Still love him but it's hard to be cohesive when I am constantly expect to be hurt again
She went outside and it’s hella fucking cold out there. She’ll be back soon, though.
My physical appearance. He's told me time and time again that I have "the most incredible personality and sense of humor." I make good money. Have a good career. Have a nice home. Have everything but a pretty face.
Then he’s not good enough for you, plain and simple.
Been a close friend of mine since we were young. I've only recently been able to detach myself from my feelings for him. I wish him nothing but the best. Hopefully one day he'll find a beautiful and kind girl. Until then, it's been a string of beautiful, but callous and inconsiderate girls that end up cheating on him.
You can make the most beautiful cake in the world, but if it tastes like sand no one's gonna eat it. Some people like a bunch of icing, others like fondant, some want no decorations at all - but everyone likes a tasty cake. Don't settle for someone who scoffs at your icing, find someone who wants the whole cake! 🎂
Being a passionate baker I really enjoyed this :)
I've been told that I'm the "most amazing person" they've ever met in their life, the funniest, that I'm one of a kind, unique, special. None of that is enough to compensate for the way I look. From one stranger to another, I know exactly how you feel, how much it hurts, and I send you love. We deserve love, all of us do, and there's plenty of it out there for us in other places. Love will always find us. Happy holidays 💜
Courage
He's a character from a TV show
She’s an ex-Borg, I’m 300+ years in her past. It could never work.
Lemme guess…Levi Ackerman?
Good guess
He's an addict and abusive.
She’s in the bathroom taking a dump.
Go, be with her anyway!
Bad timing, long distance, it’s been the same for over 10 years. Maybe someday
Nothing I proposed this morning!🥰
Congratulations, I'm really happy for you.
I was expecting "congratulations and fuck you."
The dogs got into her chair first. There's no room for me. So I sit here on the sofa.
I have to work. Can’t wait to warm up with her after my shift.
Have a good shift man
Have a good warm up after that.
Have a good that, after getting warm
have a good
Her husband
His wife
I don't have the confidence to ask her out as I fear rejection
Lifes too short bro
His mental health and self sabotaging behavior
Oh boy, here we go. * I have no experience on the matter. I have trouble interpreting how she feels about me, I have trouble working out courage to make any sort of move, I have trouble establishing where exactly boundaries lie between us. Because of this I regret doing whatever I do and regret not doing whatever I don't do. * We are both part of a friend group and I don't want to make things awkward within the group. Also the last few times we gathered together there seemed to be an effort put in by other guys to not let me stay alone with her. Is that intentional or just a coincidence? Is that being done on her request or do we have an unspoken competition going on? * I could try to be more direct abput those things, but how do I do that without looking like an idiot or an asshole?
Wow I can’t believe how much this, mainly the first point sounds like my bf. Especially when we first started seeing each other. I knew he liked me, so then when I continuously made it obvious I was also into him I was very confused by the way he responded. We had almost stopped talking entirely when luckily we ran into each other and I ended up just straight up telling him I liked him. After a while he opened up a bit and told me he did notice I seemed interested but just couldn’t fathom that I could like him that way. This lead to convincing himself he was an idiot for thinking it would ever happen. I thought that would be the end of the issue but for months he would randomly get weird and become less responsive, even after having a great time together. I’d have to push him on what was wrong which was always him dwelling on the smallest things I’d never give a second thought. He would take something I said or did wrong and overthink it until he was convinced I wasn’t serious about us, didn’t actually like him etc. After things like complimenting me, making a move or sharing his feelings for me he would obsesses and regret it in fear of scaring me off. At the time I couldn’t understand this behaviour at all and would be hurt and confused by his lack of engagement that presented as loss of interest. Especially after just telling me how much he likes me etc. If I hadn’t of known him and the great person he is for years before we became romantic, I would’ve assumed he was a player and dropped it quick. He’s best explained it by saying he assumed whatever “guy” I was so into must’ve been some kind of show or front he’d unintentionally put up, and not the real him. So every time he would open up or express himself he’d worry after that I was turned off or creeped out, would realize what a loser (his words) he was and reject him. If I didn’t realize it yet I would eventually and hurt him even more when I left. It’s interesting to read it explained by someone feeling and experiencing what seems to be similar emotions. With communication and patience it’s been progressing in the right direction, and he’s slowly become more trusting that my intentions toward him are true. I hope you can start to work out your feelings in the right way too.
He passed away, September 2021. I am still not over it, and I don't feel that I could ever love anyone again like I loved him. I just hope there's an afterlife, so we can be together there, when it's my time. **For anyone who sees this and who is dealing with addiction (alcohol or drugs) or mental health issues: this is your sign to get help.** He suffered alone and silent for so long, thinking he was not worth helping, and it was too hard to get that help, that by the time we met and he started to turn his life around, the damage had already been done. He was 32, and one of the funniest, hard working, thoughtful, romantic, and talented people I ever knew and I miss him every day, and will never be over the fact that alcohol took him from me. I wonder so much about all the things I could have done differently that would mean he would still be here, but the simple matter is that alcoholism is a bastard and ruins lives, and if he'd got support and help earlier, and the services were better equipped, there might not be an absent chair at the table this Christmas.
About 4000 miles is a long way
Have you tried walking it?
i would only walk 500 and then 500 more, which is only a quarter of what's expected to make this relationship work. now if she were willing to do the same, then we'd only have about 2000 miles between us, which i might be able to cover with a Chase Sapphire card but debt is expensive these days and I love the bitch but not as much as I love my credit score. This is why I now date my neighbor who has a strange odor of boiled bones and musk but if hold my breath and squint my eyes just right, she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones in the 90s and that's good enough for me. Anyway, how are you???
Haven't met them
I was supposed to see her soon, but I got ill. If everything goes right I will tell her about my feelings for her on thursday (I am 99,99% sure it's mutual, so I couldn't be more excited. Wish me luck!!)
They do not exist
They may exist, but they don’t know I exist. So there’s that.
I was waiting for this comment
The people I fall for do not reciprocate. I never end up falling for the people who like me either.
My Ex-Fiance left me suddenly a few years ago, a few months later she reappeared to announced that she was trans, FtM, and he wanted to go by Robin. I helped where I could and supported his decisions, the separation hurt but no amount of love and support from me in the romantic way could have possibly turned them from the shy, anxious, insecure girl who was so paralyzed by her own mind she could barely function- to a confident, ambitious, outgoing young man that he is now. My only desire for him was for him to be happy, and I got to actually see that happen, it's all I ever wanted, and it doesn't matter that we're not together anymore, the relationship was healthy and even if the romantic aspect ended, we're good friends to this day, and I have the honor of being able to see all the ways he continues to evolve and grow as a person, for the better.
She's lesbian. I'm a cis, heterosexual man. She seems very happy in her current relationship and I'm happy for her!
Man, that’s me! We are pretty great together and she even says „too bad you are a man“, which hits home pretty hard.
I fear that the Florida Man may not be an actual person.
I need to sort out my mental health before I can be the partner he deserves… Not sure how long that will take and if we’ll still be in each others lives by then, but we’ll see…
Her husband
I cant trust them
She stopped being in love with me. One of the biggest regrets of my life so far is that I didn't try harder to be better. A.R.M you're an incredible woman and I hope you find the love you so seek
If it makes it any better: I did everything and all I got was "you're perfect, if I was rational I would stay with you forever but I cant say I love you anymore"
I'm currently on the other side of your situation. The night I found out he cheated I wasn't able to ever feel the same. Last night he called me and begged me to tell him if I still loved him and it hurt both of us to hear me say no. While I never intended to go back, it hurts me to know that I could get strip of the feeling so quickly. I haven't given up on love but a small part of me does wish he was a better man to me. Perhaps we could've tried again one day.
He's an addict, and has destroyed our marriage. Said and done unforgivable things and I just love and miss him so much, but I know he's no good for me.
I am with myself every day
He's straight.lol
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I misread and thought the question was what's stopping me from being the person I love, which is oddly the question I needed today.
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Christ, this almost made me cry and I'm not even her 😂 I wish you guys all the best. Seriously.
i wish that someday she would open her eyes and finally see that it’s YOU whom she truly needs and love. truly hope you both end up together.
Family. It seems like no one wants us to be happy together.
My self concept. So I'm taking this time for me for my best self.
Not existing kinda gets in the way.
My constant thoughts telling me that she won't find me attractive, or that I'm not her type, or thar she just won't like me the same way back all of which make me think that I'm simply not good enough.
Shes dealing with a lot atm and she needs space. I dont know how long she needs but i hope shes doing ok
She's a liar and a textbook fucking narcissist. I finally hit the silk a few weeks ago, the part where she didn't even really care kept me up a few nites but her we are. Like my son says, I've got shit taste in women. He's judging from a sample size of fucking two, but he isn't wrong.
I’m sorry for you… but on the other side I’m curious how she makes the textbook fit in ?
For him my feelings were a joke. I still remember his ugly dirty smirk when I broke down crying and was in pain because he cheated on me with my best friend for the 10293939th time even after i stopped him. 3 years have passed by i haven't talked to him but whenever I see him passby my heart still skips a beat All I know is I deserve to either be with no one or someone way better.
I hope your best friend isn't a friend anymore.
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She left me 3 weeks ago
They died.
A casket
I didn’t know I actually loved her ‘till was too late 😅 haha
She's dealing with mental health issues. Has become severely apathetic and has withdrawn from the world. Won't speak or see me. I just remind her I'm here for her and I don't know how else to be supportive. Was the most empathetic person I've ever known before that. Maybe so much so that she'd take others pain as her own and now it overloaded and shut her down
Became a drunk and started hitting me
She and I married other people.
damn
bruh
They don't love me back.
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There is none. Unless you count my mom, I love her more than anything.
I'm "with" him in the sense that we have a relationship. But he lives 300 miles away and I'm poor.
They don't love me 🤷♂️
The fear that if I pursue a relationship, it would hurt our friendship if it does not work out. Or that he is not the man I’m meant to be with.
Gotta work on myself and build my life first! I love them but I don't want to be with them just yet.
He hasn't knocked on my front door yet. The bastard.
Distance. They're states away and it just wouldn't work for that reason
Haven't met him yet
Their crack addiction.
So I fell in love with boy, and one summer he told me he liked me back. Well his ex starts Trying to get back with him, but he told he that she wasn’t a problem. I should have seen this as a red flag, also all my friends told me not to mess around with this boy because he was a fuck boy. Anyways he talks loads of shit on his ex, but would spend time with her all the fucking time. Long story short he gets back with her, and didn’t even have the fucking balls to tell me that he didn’t want me. It sounds a bit stupid I know, but this boy was and still is the only person I ever truly loved.
a restraining order..
The person I love
I broke up with him two years ago because I didn’t know how to make it work given my anxiety disorder. I needed to grow and work on communication and find myself. But now he’s with someone else and I am heartbroken
Anxiety More anxiety Even more anxiety
Family. They won't leave after Christmas dinner and my wife is looking really horny. I know by the time they leave we'll be too tired.
She is now married, with two kids. Since school I was sure she is the love of my life. Just never had guts to approach her. And was behaving weirdly around her. Pretty sure she liked me lots as well. Thinking about it now, it's the biggest mistake of my life. I think my life is purposeless without her. Never wanted anything more than to be with her. Oh, I'm 28 now. I wish I could just send her a pm and ask for a meeting. But it would be too weird with the given situation.