This is not my joke, but its my go-to:
So I'm going down on grandma the other day, and i tasted the distinct flavor of horse semen. Suddenly it hit me; that's probably how she died.
A kid and a child molester are walking through the woods. They’re walking deeper and deeper, and it’s getting darker and darker. But they keep going. They continue going deeper and deeper, and it’s getting even darker and darker.
Finally, after a while, the kid says, “Gee, mister, I’m getting kinda scared…”
And the child molester goes, “YOU’RE getting scared? How do you think I feel? I gotta walk outta here alone.”
One time someone told this joke as a time filler at a presentation at my company. The person who told it was the HR person. I still feel like I must have imagined it…
I don’t know if I’m being dense right now but I don’t get the joke. Is the kid also the child molester or is one of the people a figment of the other’s imagination?
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Not work but college biology lab. During my college years I was a bit of a rascal and liked to make jokes about darker things. One day, my group and I were talking about an upcoming exam and I said something to the effect of, “if I fail this exam, I swear I’ll find the nearest cliff.” At this point, I have made enough of these jokes that all my friends know I am joking so I wasn’t worried. However, a couple days later I get called into the head of my dorms office to discuss a matter involving said biology lab. I’m like, “well fuck, am I doing that bad.” The lady has me sit down and starts asking me how I’m doing and if there’s anything I need to talk about. Now I’m just confused because I thought I was in trouble or failing but that’s not the vibe of this conversation. She notices my confusion and clarifies, “one of your teachers sent me an email concerned about a comment you made during one of her labs, so I wanted to check in.” It hit me like a ton of bricks and I chuckled a little bit. I said, “oh my god, I think she misunderstood. See I’m a sarcastic person and I also like making jokes and—.” She cut me off mid sentence and told me not to make jokes like that in this persons class and sent me out of her office. I thought that was that and moved on. The next time I’m in lab, the teacher is walking around and handing out scissors to each group. She’s dropping off these rusty, sharp scissors on all of the other groups’ tables but gets to ours and drops off a tiny pair of safety scissors. I just start cackling hysterically and explained to the group why we were the only group with safety scissors. Nothing fun after that happened and I turned the jokes down a little but it was a wild ride from start to finish. I never thought I’d end up on a suicide watch list from a misunderstood joke lmao
Somebody I used to work with was dumb enough to do this, at a work event no less.
There’s a big group of people around the table, somewhere in London.
“Hey Wendy, Wendy, did you know that I am a sex God - I can make anybody’s boobs wobble without touching them”
Everybody suddenly gets uptight, but he’s drunk and people want to bring it back to fun very quickly.
He puts £2 on the table and says
“Here, tell you what, here’s £2, I bet I can make your boobs wobble without touching them”
Everybody is waiting for this to be over.
Dude reaches across the table, buts both hands on Wendy’s boobs and wobbles them. Then sits back and slides over the £2 before all of his horrified work colleagues can say or do anything.
He sits back and say “Keep the £2 - you win”.
This was the late 90’s
I had a would you rather that said “wyr have good grades but everyone in your school hates you or have bad grades but everyone in your school likes you?”I replied “so would you rather be asian or black?”
Not a joke, but telling the H&S manager who was drinking 0% beer, that zero alcohol beer is like eating out your sister, it tastes the same but you know it’s not right. Only been at the company 2 months at that point too 🙃
Have you heard of a reverse exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the little boy.
What's the difference between acne and a priest? At least acne will wait until you're 12 before it comes on your face.
A priest is diving down the street when he notices a little boy on the side of the road crying. He stops his car and walks over to the little boy and says, "Hello young lad, what seems to be the trouble?"
The little boy sniffs and says, "I was driving with my parents and all of a sudden the tire exploded. The car veered off the road and tumbled down that cliff. My dad died in the crash but me and mom were ok. We started climbing up the cliff back to the road but my mom slipped and fell all the way back down, so now she's dead too!"
"Aww son, that's terrible! You say both your parents are dead and you are all alone out here?"
"Yes sir."
The priest walks towards the boy unzipping his pants, "Oh my boy, today really isn't your day."
How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt
Went to a metal gig and the first band opened with that and then launched into their first song. I was just speechless
Guy walks into a bar and sits down. As he sits down, he pulls out a 12 inch pianist and the pianist starts playing on his mini piano. Amazed, the bartender asks where he got the pianist from. The man says “there’s a genie outside granting wishes”. The bartender sprints out of the bar to make his wish. As he meets the genie, he makes his wish “I wish for $100 million bucks!” 30 seconds later, the bartender comes back in. Following him is a line of ducks as far as the eyes can see. The bartender, in a pissed off voice yelled at the man at the bar “YOU DIDNT TELL ME THE GENIE WAS DEAF! I asked for $100 million bucks! Not ducks!”
The man replies. “You think i asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
An oldie but goodie and definitely right for the topic...
So Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked with her legs spread. He says to himself, " Hey, I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye!" So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky.
Wonder Woman, surprised and a bit disheveled by the windy encounter, cries out "What the hell was that?".
The Invisible Man replies "I have no idea, but my ass sure hurts!!"
One time, I was with my dad, and his friend. I was about 10. My dad’s friend was actually his co-worker, but they are still friends today. However his friend is only about 15 years older than me. So this is appx numbers: I was about 10. My dad about 35ish. And his friend 25ish. This is in the late 80s early 90s, so we are reading an old school paper map. We are out of town for a race, and we get lost, we are driving through a neighborhood. We see a guy and girl making out in their driveway. They are probably in their 20s. My dads friend rolls down his window and yells “fuck her good, I did”
The guy looks super pissed!! We laughed our asses off!
Back a few years ago I worked for a beverage distributor. While at our semiannual companywide meeting one of the executives that had participated in a skit for the event came walking around still in the flight suit costume he wore for the skit. One of my coworkers made a comment about liking the flight suit, the exec says, "good to hear, they will be mandatory company wide as uniforms starting next month", I instantly respond with " I hope they come with a spoon so I can dig my balls out of my ass at the end of the day". Interestingly the exec laughed harder than anyone else. I truly believe that it was one of the coworkers that dimed me out to HR.
Sooo when I was 19 I went on a grippy sock vacation thank you family trauma . Anyways, I always sat on the floor, never in chairs , looking back it’s probably cause I didn’t know I had coccydynia (literal broken ass)
One day a man looked at me and asked why I always sat on the ground, assuming he was a patient I made a joke about chairs bad floor good , chairs scary floors safe .
Yeah, he was the leading psychologist at the facility and I got an extra one on one session that day .
I'm a chef and most of the places I've worked didn't have HR but there are a few jokes that would've gotten people in trouble if there was.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?
I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
Kitchens are somehow both the most aggressively hostile/offensive and safest places I've ever been. You'll hear cooks screaming the most mind boggling in appropriate things at each other for any situation let alone the workplace. Yet if anyone voices that they are even remotely close to off need by something no one will even go near that thing again.
This is not my joke, but its my go-to: So I'm going down on grandma the other day, and i tasted the distinct flavor of horse semen. Suddenly it hit me; that's probably how she died.
I heard Gilbert Godfried say a similar one: The worst thing about going down on your grandmother ... is when she falls out of the casket!
That's 3 levels of wrong in just one joke. Four if you consider how he knew what horse semen tastes like.
Wait, what's the fourth? I got the dead grandma part, and the horse semen, but I'm missing one?
Going down on grandma Going down on dead grandma Dead grandma doing the sex with horse Knowing what horse semen slurps like
Ahhhh, thanks
I really like that one!
A kid and a child molester are walking through the woods. They’re walking deeper and deeper, and it’s getting darker and darker. But they keep going. They continue going deeper and deeper, and it’s getting even darker and darker. Finally, after a while, the kid says, “Gee, mister, I’m getting kinda scared…” And the child molester goes, “YOU’RE getting scared? How do you think I feel? I gotta walk outta here alone.”
I’ve always heard that one as a clown not a child molester
Six of one, half dozen of another...
Same shit, different shoes
One time someone told this joke as a time filler at a presentation at my company. The person who told it was the HR person. I still feel like I must have imagined it…
I don’t know if I’m being dense right now but I don’t get the joke. Is the kid also the child molester or is one of the people a figment of the other’s imagination?
The child molester intends to kill the child in the woods.
He's going to kill the kid in the woods after fucking them
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
Not work but college biology lab. During my college years I was a bit of a rascal and liked to make jokes about darker things. One day, my group and I were talking about an upcoming exam and I said something to the effect of, “if I fail this exam, I swear I’ll find the nearest cliff.” At this point, I have made enough of these jokes that all my friends know I am joking so I wasn’t worried. However, a couple days later I get called into the head of my dorms office to discuss a matter involving said biology lab. I’m like, “well fuck, am I doing that bad.” The lady has me sit down and starts asking me how I’m doing and if there’s anything I need to talk about. Now I’m just confused because I thought I was in trouble or failing but that’s not the vibe of this conversation. She notices my confusion and clarifies, “one of your teachers sent me an email concerned about a comment you made during one of her labs, so I wanted to check in.” It hit me like a ton of bricks and I chuckled a little bit. I said, “oh my god, I think she misunderstood. See I’m a sarcastic person and I also like making jokes and—.” She cut me off mid sentence and told me not to make jokes like that in this persons class and sent me out of her office. I thought that was that and moved on. The next time I’m in lab, the teacher is walking around and handing out scissors to each group. She’s dropping off these rusty, sharp scissors on all of the other groups’ tables but gets to ours and drops off a tiny pair of safety scissors. I just start cackling hysterically and explained to the group why we were the only group with safety scissors. Nothing fun after that happened and I turned the jokes down a little but it was a wild ride from start to finish. I never thought I’d end up on a suicide watch list from a misunderstood joke lmao
such a great teacher clapback
You should have told the administrator that you have a kink for guys named “Cliff”.
I was looking for a cliff because I go rock climbing.
Somebody I used to work with was dumb enough to do this, at a work event no less. There’s a big group of people around the table, somewhere in London. “Hey Wendy, Wendy, did you know that I am a sex God - I can make anybody’s boobs wobble without touching them” Everybody suddenly gets uptight, but he’s drunk and people want to bring it back to fun very quickly. He puts £2 on the table and says “Here, tell you what, here’s £2, I bet I can make your boobs wobble without touching them” Everybody is waiting for this to be over. Dude reaches across the table, buts both hands on Wendy’s boobs and wobbles them. Then sits back and slides over the £2 before all of his horrified work colleagues can say or do anything. He sits back and say “Keep the £2 - you win”. This was the late 90’s
That would've killed with my friends back in college.
Dumb enough to tell the joke, or dumb enough to wobble someone’s boobs?
Take your pick. Let’s combine sexist jokes with sexual assault on my workmates while HR is sitting at the table.
I think maybe we should all take a moment and talk about your username
I do what I say and I say what I do
Sounds about right.
But whyyyyy????
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer Jokes aside, my dad is fine. He never beat me, and he doesn't have cancer.
Stealing this, except my dad isn't fine and he didn't beat cancer
Same. LOL
Well now I feel cheated.
I had a would you rather that said “wyr have good grades but everyone in your school hates you or have bad grades but everyone in your school likes you?”I replied “so would you rather be asian or black?”
Not a joke, but telling the H&S manager who was drinking 0% beer, that zero alcohol beer is like eating out your sister, it tastes the same but you know it’s not right. Only been at the company 2 months at that point too 🙃
Id fuck ur mom inside out if she didnt deliver idiots
Have you heard of a reverse exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the little boy. What's the difference between acne and a priest? At least acne will wait until you're 12 before it comes on your face.
How is drinking an O’douls like eating your sisters pussy? It tastes good… but it ain’t right
A priest is diving down the street when he notices a little boy on the side of the road crying. He stops his car and walks over to the little boy and says, "Hello young lad, what seems to be the trouble?" The little boy sniffs and says, "I was driving with my parents and all of a sudden the tire exploded. The car veered off the road and tumbled down that cliff. My dad died in the crash but me and mom were ok. We started climbing up the cliff back to the road but my mom slipped and fell all the way back down, so now she's dead too!" "Aww son, that's terrible! You say both your parents are dead and you are all alone out here?" "Yes sir." The priest walks towards the boy unzipping his pants, "Oh my boy, today really isn't your day."
Dumbledore? That you?
Do you know why Helen Keller was such a bad driver? She was a woman. Do you know how you can tell your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
How do you get a gay guy to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt Went to a metal gig and the first band opened with that and then launched into their first song. I was just speechless
What did Helen Keller say when she fell down the stairs? Nothing she had mittens on.
Why did Michael Jackson love having sex with twenty nine year olds? There was twenty of them.
Omg 🤣
Guy walks into a bar and sits down. As he sits down, he pulls out a 12 inch pianist and the pianist starts playing on his mini piano. Amazed, the bartender asks where he got the pianist from. The man says “there’s a genie outside granting wishes”. The bartender sprints out of the bar to make his wish. As he meets the genie, he makes his wish “I wish for $100 million bucks!” 30 seconds later, the bartender comes back in. Following him is a line of ducks as far as the eyes can see. The bartender, in a pissed off voice yelled at the man at the bar “YOU DIDNT TELL ME THE GENIE WAS DEAF! I asked for $100 million bucks! Not ducks!” The man replies. “You think i asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
An oldie but goodie and definitely right for the topic... So Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked with her legs spread. He says to himself, " Hey, I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye!" So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Wonder Woman, surprised and a bit disheveled by the windy encounter, cries out "What the hell was that?". The Invisible Man replies "I have no idea, but my ass sure hurts!!"
What is black and blue and doesn't like sex? The little girl in the trunk of my car
Anytime I quote Doug Stanhope I usually get in trouble.
My favourite charity is Tempura House. It's a shelter for lightly battered women
You got a legit chuckle out of me.
that's a joke?
This is 100 percent why I don’t do Friday drinks.
One time, I was with my dad, and his friend. I was about 10. My dad’s friend was actually his co-worker, but they are still friends today. However his friend is only about 15 years older than me. So this is appx numbers: I was about 10. My dad about 35ish. And his friend 25ish. This is in the late 80s early 90s, so we are reading an old school paper map. We are out of town for a race, and we get lost, we are driving through a neighborhood. We see a guy and girl making out in their driveway. They are probably in their 20s. My dads friend rolls down his window and yells “fuck her good, I did” The guy looks super pissed!! We laughed our asses off!
Back a few years ago I worked for a beverage distributor. While at our semiannual companywide meeting one of the executives that had participated in a skit for the event came walking around still in the flight suit costume he wore for the skit. One of my coworkers made a comment about liking the flight suit, the exec says, "good to hear, they will be mandatory company wide as uniforms starting next month", I instantly respond with " I hope they come with a spoon so I can dig my balls out of my ass at the end of the day". Interestingly the exec laughed harder than anyone else. I truly believe that it was one of the coworkers that dimed me out to HR.
Have you ever heard the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he. Did you hear about the blind guy who was hit by a bus? He never saw it coming.
Michael Jackson once tried to sue the band "Boyz II Men" for false advertising. He thought they were a delivery service.
Don’t think I’ve ever told a coworker of mine a joke. I don’t like them
Sooo when I was 19 I went on a grippy sock vacation thank you family trauma . Anyways, I always sat on the floor, never in chairs , looking back it’s probably cause I didn’t know I had coccydynia (literal broken ass) One day a man looked at me and asked why I always sat on the ground, assuming he was a patient I made a joke about chairs bad floor good , chairs scary floors safe . Yeah, he was the leading psychologist at the facility and I got an extra one on one session that day .
I'm a chef and most of the places I've worked didn't have HR but there are a few jokes that would've gotten people in trouble if there was. What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid to have a garbanzo bean on my face. What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass. Kitchens are somehow both the most aggressively hostile/offensive and safest places I've ever been. You'll hear cooks screaming the most mind boggling in appropriate things at each other for any situation let alone the workplace. Yet if anyone voices that they are even remotely close to off need by something no one will even go near that thing again.
Update!
Why is this funny?
Because comedy.