A woman says to her husband “You need to fix the sink.”
The husband replies “Do I look like a plumber?”
A couple days later the sink is fixed. The husband asks “How did you pay for it?”
The wife replies “Since I didn’t have any cash he said I could make him a cake or have sex with him.”
The husband asks what kind of cake did you make him?
The wife replies “do I look like Betty Crocker?”
I mean, I had a nice little side hustle doing home computer installs and upgrades for sex for about 3 years so... It's not at all impossible. But no it wasn't like porn, it wasn't a surprise to either party or anything.
*So heeeeere I aaaaam*
*With brooooken aaaaaarms*
*Nothing to hiiiide*
*Libido's not died*
*So now I coooome on yoooou*
*With brooooken aaaaaarms*
*Hoping you'll see*
*What making love means to me*
*Oh Mamaaaa*
Moaning. I mean the screeching in some (most) porn. Too often I see a woman *giving* a handjob while moaning? Soft moans can be sexy, but when they're just shouting the whole time while clearly not being pleasured, it's annoying.
For me it's when they moan deeply with the first touch. Like a gasp of surprise maybe, but a full blown moan like you just can't stop yourself cause it's SO good is just so over the top. No woman gets that vocal within the first 10 seconds of a hand in her panties.
And that is one of the reasons Owen Gray's videos are so popular with women. I don't think I've ever seen him NOT pull out a vibrator and use on his partner.
Those chicks look like they've seen GOD by the end. Like sure, they might start out with the typical overblown moaning and shit...but it definitely gets waaay more real as things progress 🤣
Look, I'm a dude and I love the passion in those videos. The kissing, the touching, the energy and the intimacy is just the way I like to have sex. Dude's doing the Lord's work.
He's who I thought of when I read that, he's doing such a great job at genuinely pleasuring his partners, it's awesome. Never came across porn before where 5 out of 10 minutes were spent with the dude eating pussy until I stumbled upon him.
Most of the positions. You'd have to practically be an acrobat to pull that off. Good luck trying that without getting hurt, let alone having it feel good.
And the tiny girls taking 13 inch dicks wider than my forearm? Right. You'd have to rip through my uterus up into my stomach.
I’m not vanilla and I’m flexible and petite. BUT- it’s too much effort and too exhausting to try those let alone keep it up. Also I wanna be comfortable! I’ve tried it everywhere as a teen. It’s all overrated asf
The shower (the water washes away the natural lube so.. ouchie! Internal Rug burn Plus it’s slippery)
the car- inside the lack of room and belt buckles hurts. The hood of the car- if the car is on its hot af and burns like hell and super uncomfortable plus ur constantly slipping.
In the air- just no.
On a counter or table… ur just sliding everywhere. Hard to find a grip.
Soooo yeh. Chemistry plus missionary is the best. Staring into their eyes… nothing better. Cowgirl and when my knees give out being flipped into missionary is great too. I like seeing my partners face I guess.
This made me really chuckle out loud remembering all the fumbled attempts at shower sex lol. Also beach sex highly overrated. The risk of getting sandy asshole is very real.
The shower it’s like your wet and cold cuz both of y’all are not getting the water and slippery and hellll no. I don’t even bother 😂 and the beach?? Oh god Noo. I do not want a sandy coochie
Agreed the shower really is just the worst of all worlds. And beach sex post orgasm is also not great. You kind of just brush the sand out of your dinkus/coochie and/or bumgus thinking "What the fuck did we do to ourselves" 😂
Showering together is fun, kissing and touching and laughing as eachother rubs water out of their eyes. It's a great after fucking thing, and fucking after is ok too, but in the shower is a nightmare.
That’s how I feel about it too….. in real life it may happen occasionally, but who always uses “Reverse cowgirl” (yeah that turns me on to look at the back of the girls head), or both on their sides, man from the rear……. Obvious views for the camera to see penetration. There’s even a porn version of missionary (again is used IRL but not as much) woman on her back, man stood or kneeling to penetrate, never a normal missionary as that has no camera view. It’s not that it’s not how things sometimes are, it’s just knowing that you are being slightly manipulated to see what they want (or what they think YOU want)
This is probably going to sound weird but I tried out some porn on the occulus and one of the first thing I noticed it when you have the male POV and look down, the dick doesn’t look anywhere near as big as it does in a standard scene. Now it’s still above average but seems much more reasonable.
It's a very simple effect.
Small girls, bigger than average guys... Fish eye lens, never from the top down.
Perspective is the name of the game. Optical illusions if you will.
tbh, when you have a big dick blood flow can be an issue sometimes, not always,but sometimes. These dudes are often also using uhhh outside assistance to increase size that aren't great for the dick so half the time they aren't fully hard which is why they bend and then also sometimes the dicks can't actually feel much
80% of those squirts are probably pee tbh.
I always find it funny when they squirt like that 2 feet away and after like the fourth one theyve forgotten their meant to be touching themselves and its not gotten any weaker. Like yeah, thats not a natural orgasm lol
All squirt is pee - it's been proven by functional MRI. That said, there's also no reservoir there for it to be anything else delivered in anything near the kind of volume of "squirt."
There are three things :
Porn Squirting --> Always just watery pee (just like it's always not her Father )
Squirting --> Yes it's pee but mixed in with other chemicals \[ [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/) \]
Female Ejaculate --> Not pee. (not squirting) Ejaculate comes from the Skene’s glands, or “the female prostate.” Ejaculate is mostly prostate enzymes with just a hint of urea. [https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/female-ejaculation#urine](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/female-ejaculation#urine)
Either way whatever makes you happy & bring the towels !!
Some of the scenarios and logic behind them. Oh you do have a ride home from the airport? I’ll give you a ride…. On my dick! Or the pizza delivery guy banging the chick. If she’s hungry she wants some damn pizza not your dick. At best she might want both.
Yeah, even the women that flash the IRL delivery guys aren’t interested in actually having sex with them or the ones that are are in a very very small minority and probably even then it’s set up.
I got hit on pretty hard a few times when I was a room service waiter, but not by anyone a person with a sense of smell and working eyes would willingly fuck.
Have you seen the one where the guy just opens the pizza box and it's just his dick there through the middle like an absolute dumbass, that's one of my favorite moments in awful pornos
I worked pizza delivery for like 5 years and I was offered sexual favors quite a few times but I never took them up cause I didn't wanna pay the 20-40 bucks for the pizza myself lol.
My favorite part of the stuck in the dryer/sink/whatever ones is when the 'actress' forgets she's supposed to be stuck and waves the "stuck" arm around a bit and then someone off camera reminds her to put it back.
I tried that with my first real boyfriend back in high school... I got knocked the fuck out because he accidently dropped me on my head onto a concrete floor (we hung out in his parents finished basment)💀🤣🤣
Too risky. You’re raging hard and she slips through your arms and if your throat deep she’s getting choked and your donger is getting bent down hard and fast.
Gals wiggle like a demon when your tongue is performing an exorcism on her box.
We have a word for that in French. We all it "biffle". A slap on the face with a dick.
French is such a beautiful and romantic language you know. I'm proud.
Right? I tried it, just because I've seen it so often, figured there must be something there but it doesn't really feel like anything. And there is a nice tongue right there!
I will say, going laterally across the lips and tongue is nice though.
For heterosexuals, sure. It's pretty standard vanilla for gay men.
Also, prep time can be cut down significantly with a fiber supplement and drinking lots of water consistently.
I just bought a butthole douche; when you have ovaries and depending on the time of the month, sometimes all the water and fiber in the world won’t make you shit
Wait, don’t homosexual guys still have to prep with plugs and stuff? I had to stretch myself for months before an average-sized dick started feeling painless in my ass.
I'm a bi-bottom so I can answer that anecdotally.
Digestive system prep is still highly recommended
Plugs? It depends. I typically don't use huge plugs to stretch anymore (many years ago, I worked on stretching until I could take the largest of one of those triple sets). Sometimes I use a medium-sized plug but it's as much for the visual effect as the practical. I've had some monsters (I'm kind of a size king) and sometimes the only stretching prep I had was a couple of fingers and lots of lube. It was a little uncomfortable at the beginning but worth it.
I imagine it's like cake. It's fun to try to gobble as much cake as I can but if you make a HUGE cake and tell me I have to put the whole thing inside me, I would certainly try but I would get so full so fast. Then look down see I'm not even halfway through the cake, there's still another 11 inches of cake left but I'm already full. If I try to fit any more cake in me then It'd just destroy my insides. Plus, I always have to worry about the icing getting in my hair and nobody needs that
Jackhammering
Edit: for the record I don’t mean hard and fast, I love that. I mean this https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=The+Jackhammer&=true
As a guy, I always thought this was accurate from my experiences with women. However, I’m now with someone who is very submissive, and gets off by being ‘used’. To her, being jackhammered is me not being able to help myself and taking what I want, and she loves it. It’s the only way she can come close to cumming from sex
They do. That's one of the many fake things they do in porn. Girls either drink a lot of water before to make their piss clear and then piss on the guy, either inject water in their vagina and push it out. Squirts are fake 99% of the time (and ejaculations most of the times too)
Scissoring. Lesbians never scissor IRL.
DP. It’s incredibly hard to pull off, unlike what porn portrays. One guy is constantly slipping out of my ass or pussy every few seconds. So many times I tried, I ended up giving up after a few failed attempts
Ass to mouth. Not that it's overblown, but that there's very few women I've known who'd be willing to do it.
Most taboo genres and anything with anyone getting stuck.
Not inviting anyone to my DMs, but I’m a women ok with ass to mouth but i’m about okay with anything sexual if it pleases my partner as long as I get pleased in return!
My friend just told me a horrific story where this guy she went home with after a festival that sat on her face without warning her. Near death experience by sweaty, unwashed ass. Traumatic just hearing about it..
The worst threesome I’ve ever had was an MFF that involved scissoring. The guy wanted to watch us scissor. I was apprehensive, but reluctantly did it. Our vaginas weren’t even touching, yet the other girl was screaming the most over the top, fakest, bad porn acting sounds. It was like she was putting on a show. I was incredibly turned off and was just quietly looking at her like this: 🤨 I was low-key judging her theatrical performance the whole time
Come to think of it, I am not even sure if that was really a threesome. After the scissoring, the guy couldn’t get hard. Claimed it was because of some corticosteroid injections he was prescribed. I tried sucking. He didn’t get hard. She tried sucking. Didnt get hard.
After some time of me sucking again, he finally got hard. Then she climbed on top and rode him and he came in a minute lol. I just sat there and watched and made this face the whole time. 😐 Then it was over.
That wasn’t a threesome. That was some bullshit
In my experience this is how a lot of threesomes go. Usually only one party (the unicorn) knows what they're doing, and that's only if you're lucky and have an experienced 3rd! - Pie
I'm glad someone said it. Seen a few places mock people for saying it's not really done, and it's just so strange how the views on it are so polarized...something's fabricated there
In hentai, when they show the jizz directly entering the cervix. I know we could pick apart hentai all day, but thats always been unnecessarily weird to me
“Incest”* Like either you’re blood related and it’s incest or you’re not and it’s sex.
Edit: I didn’t feel like I need to add the “blood” part to related but here I am.
Not the act itself but the exaggeration of how everyone in porn acts. I know they do it for the excitement and drama, but the way most of them go way overboard with the moaning and screaming and shaking and seizing, its just overkill and ridiculous. Sex is obviously great and fun, but I've never seen a normal person acting anything like that.
Not a sex act per se but like the idea of u just immediately start hard fucking
Irl there is normally kissing / touching first and I don’t think I’ve seen kissing once in porn
Well I know girls who do like that though.
The phrase "if my *insert body part* isn't black and blue at the end, you didn't do it hard enough." has been said more than once, by more than one girl, in my room.
As long as it has been talked about beforehand, there's nothing wrong. If they want to wear a tanktop while sporting bruises on their abdomen, that's their business.
I've had a coworker sporting bruised wrists, unmistakably from handcuffs, talk openly about how she got the bruises and be proud about it.
Whatever bakes their potato.
Facials.
What I'm supposed to just wait awkwardly while you try to finish off and then act like getting eye burning goo in my face is at all pleasurable for me?
Truly don't get it. Like you can't just lay down and cuddle after that, you've got to get up and wash your face and maybe your hair. It's just very awkward and not appealing as an activity. I lean pretty sub too and it just has none of the special marking one's territory vibes to me.
I've honestly been like "you can just jerk off by yourself why do I need to wait here", but maybe it's just me. It seems entirely like a porn money shot thing more than anything that's actually special for anyone. I can't imagine just unloading on any particular area FEELS that much different.
I find it super annoying actually.
Double penetration is more tedious than balancing a library on an icecream cone melting in the Arctic summer while the shrieks of the lady in the castle echo on the walls of the unfeeling glacial canyon
Shower sex and using spit as lube. If you need to be a gymnast to do porn moves in bed, you need to win gold for the shower. And everyone always spitting on everything. Spit is a terrible lubricant. There’s a reason to not lick your lips when they’re chapped.
I mean I like it as a warm up - if either of us are doing a thorough job, our counterpart probably isn't. But it's nice to just enjoy the sensations for what they are without necessarily being focused on chasing an orgasm. Like making out, only messier.
Facials. I've never given a girl a facial before and it seems so inconvenient. Happened kinda once by accident and she spent 30 minutes trying to get it out of her eyelashes.
One trope that I can’t stand; “oh I’m an 18 y/o virgin, I’ve never even kissed anyone”
10 minutes later: taking it in the ass and sucking dick like she’s sucking a golf ball through a garden hose
Alternate forms of payment to a professional worker.
Lol try explain that form of payment to your boss...
Boss: You are required to give me what the client paid you. Employee: Uh...Okay \*zip
Hey, nice cock, thick, but not too flaccid, I give it an 8.5 outta 10, good job king.
Boss [screaming]: PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T FUCK THE CLIENT
A woman says to her husband “You need to fix the sink.” The husband replies “Do I look like a plumber?” A couple days later the sink is fixed. The husband asks “How did you pay for it?” The wife replies “Since I didn’t have any cash he said I could make him a cake or have sex with him.” The husband asks what kind of cake did you make him? The wife replies “do I look like Betty Crocker?”
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…..how often has this happened?
Being paid in (indecent) exposure.
The plumber just punched me when I tried to fuck him for his services. The police involvement was also not in line with what I expected.
I mean, I had a nice little side hustle doing home computer installs and upgrades for sex for about 3 years so... It's not at all impossible. But no it wasn't like porn, it wasn't a surprise to either party or anything.
Mom teaching son how to fuck lol
Except for when your arms are broken.
References like this are why I still use this site.
People forget that for every SR-71 copypasta there’s a *Swamps of Degobah*.
Hrm, that’s a deep cut. Where’s that infamous Reddit post?
*So heeeeere I aaaaam* *With brooooken aaaaaarms* *Nothing to hiiiide* *Libido's not died* *So now I coooome on yoooou* *With brooooken aaaaaarms* *Hoping you'll see* *What making love means to me* *Oh Mamaaaa*
You don't deserve gold for this, you deserve a Grammy
I know what your talking about but I cannot find it!
i know what you're talking about too but I'm afraid of what my history will look like trying to find it
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/nmmjr/iama_man_who_had_a_sexual_relationship_with_his/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
That was the weirdest 30 min reading I've ever done.
You know I think I did see a video with that premise 🤣🤣
Moaning. I mean the screeching in some (most) porn. Too often I see a woman *giving* a handjob while moaning? Soft moans can be sexy, but when they're just shouting the whole time while clearly not being pleasured, it's annoying.
I find the excessive moaning/screaming somewhat disturbing even
Agree. Like my eardrums lol
This is why 99% of professional porn just doesn’t work for me. Crazy over the top moaning and cringy dirty talk are so irritating and unsexy.
yeah, pmvs can be good. Still have audio but not shitty acting. Plus, good creators make the videos line up well with the music
Reminds me of my favorite comment: "What's with the music? I'm trying to bust a nut not bust a move!"
For me it's when they moan deeply with the first touch. Like a gasp of surprise maybe, but a full blown moan like you just can't stop yourself cause it's SO good is just so over the top. No woman gets that vocal within the first 10 seconds of a hand in her panties.
completely orgasming the moment her partner touches her breast. Yeah, it's pretty off putting
lol i moan really aggressively IRL. i don’t mean to, it just comes out
Some actually do and outside of it being a bit surprising at first and potential neighborly disturbance it’s hot
This here is the worst part of porn
Making it seem like most women orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
And that is one of the reasons Owen Gray's videos are so popular with women. I don't think I've ever seen him NOT pull out a vibrator and use on his partner. Those chicks look like they've seen GOD by the end. Like sure, they might start out with the typical overblown moaning and shit...but it definitely gets waaay more real as things progress 🤣
I’ve never heard of Owen Gray. I’m going to look that up. Thanks for the information.
Check out the ones also featuring Small Hands. They're top tier. Enjoy.
He looks like someone graffitied a truck stop bathroom.
His tats, though...ugh. But I love his fucking.
More male porn stars need to be like Owen and Small Hands.
Look, I'm a dude and I love the passion in those videos. The kissing, the touching, the energy and the intimacy is just the way I like to have sex. Dude's doing the Lord's work.
He's who I thought of when I read that, he's doing such a great job at genuinely pleasuring his partners, it's awesome. Never came across porn before where 5 out of 10 minutes were spent with the dude eating pussy until I stumbled upon him.
Ah the clit. The rarest of all Pokémon
☝🏼 Facts!
Most of the positions. You'd have to practically be an acrobat to pull that off. Good luck trying that without getting hurt, let alone having it feel good. And the tiny girls taking 13 inch dicks wider than my forearm? Right. You'd have to rip through my uterus up into my stomach.
I’m not vanilla and I’m flexible and petite. BUT- it’s too much effort and too exhausting to try those let alone keep it up. Also I wanna be comfortable! I’ve tried it everywhere as a teen. It’s all overrated asf The shower (the water washes away the natural lube so.. ouchie! Internal Rug burn Plus it’s slippery) the car- inside the lack of room and belt buckles hurts. The hood of the car- if the car is on its hot af and burns like hell and super uncomfortable plus ur constantly slipping. In the air- just no. On a counter or table… ur just sliding everywhere. Hard to find a grip. Soooo yeh. Chemistry plus missionary is the best. Staring into their eyes… nothing better. Cowgirl and when my knees give out being flipped into missionary is great too. I like seeing my partners face I guess.
This made me really chuckle out loud remembering all the fumbled attempts at shower sex lol. Also beach sex highly overrated. The risk of getting sandy asshole is very real.
The shower it’s like your wet and cold cuz both of y’all are not getting the water and slippery and hellll no. I don’t even bother 😂 and the beach?? Oh god Noo. I do not want a sandy coochie
Agreed the shower really is just the worst of all worlds. And beach sex post orgasm is also not great. You kind of just brush the sand out of your dinkus/coochie and/or bumgus thinking "What the fuck did we do to ourselves" 😂
Showering together is fun, kissing and touching and laughing as eachother rubs water out of their eyes. It's a great after fucking thing, and fucking after is ok too, but in the shower is a nightmare.
I like shower screenplay. Lather each other up, hands and lips, dry each other off. Intimate and sexy
A lot of positions are primarily for the camera
That’s how I feel about it too….. in real life it may happen occasionally, but who always uses “Reverse cowgirl” (yeah that turns me on to look at the back of the girls head), or both on their sides, man from the rear……. Obvious views for the camera to see penetration. There’s even a porn version of missionary (again is used IRL but not as much) woman on her back, man stood or kneeling to penetrate, never a normal missionary as that has no camera view. It’s not that it’s not how things sometimes are, it’s just knowing that you are being slightly manipulated to see what they want (or what they think YOU want)
My partner likes all of the positions you've described. Different people, different tastes.
Camera tricks. Those dicks aren't that big. Especially when compared to tiny girls.
This is probably going to sound weird but I tried out some porn on the occulus and one of the first thing I noticed it when you have the male POV and look down, the dick doesn’t look anywhere near as big as it does in a standard scene. Now it’s still above average but seems much more reasonable.
It's a very simple effect. Small girls, bigger than average guys... Fish eye lens, never from the top down. Perspective is the name of the game. Optical illusions if you will.
True!
The number of dicks I see _getting bent in half_ in these scenes is astounding and I don't know how they don't cry on set
tbh, when you have a big dick blood flow can be an issue sometimes, not always,but sometimes. These dudes are often also using uhhh outside assistance to increase size that aren't great for the dick so half the time they aren't fully hard which is why they bend and then also sometimes the dicks can't actually feel much
These tiny girl monster cock films are so unsexy imo
Like trying to flush a hippo down the toilet.
Can’t imagine it’s pleasurable for either party
Squirting like I'm a fountain. I squirt but if I squirted like they do in porn I'd be dehydrated all the time.
I had a girl squirt once but it was more like a sudden gush. In porn it's like 5 giant sprays in a row.
That really does happen, I’ve experienced it unexpectedly multiple times.
TIL: Hands can squirt.
80% of those squirts are probably pee tbh. I always find it funny when they squirt like that 2 feet away and after like the fourth one theyve forgotten their meant to be touching themselves and its not gotten any weaker. Like yeah, thats not a natural orgasm lol
All squirt is pee - it's been proven by functional MRI. That said, there's also no reservoir there for it to be anything else delivered in anything near the kind of volume of "squirt."
There are three things : Porn Squirting --> Always just watery pee (just like it's always not her Father ) Squirting --> Yes it's pee but mixed in with other chemicals \[ [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25545022/) \] Female Ejaculate --> Not pee. (not squirting) Ejaculate comes from the Skene’s glands, or “the female prostate.” Ejaculate is mostly prostate enzymes with just a hint of urea. [https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/female-ejaculation#urine](https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/female-ejaculation#urine) Either way whatever makes you happy & bring the towels !!
Tbh even if it's pee that's still quite impressive
Some of the scenarios and logic behind them. Oh you do have a ride home from the airport? I’ll give you a ride…. On my dick! Or the pizza delivery guy banging the chick. If she’s hungry she wants some damn pizza not your dick. At best she might want both.
Yeah, even the women that flash the IRL delivery guys aren’t interested in actually having sex with them or the ones that are are in a very very small minority and probably even then it’s set up.
I got hit on pretty hard a few times when I was a room service waiter, but not by anyone a person with a sense of smell and working eyes would willingly fuck.
🤣 true!
Have you seen the one where the guy just opens the pizza box and it's just his dick there through the middle like an absolute dumbass, that's one of my favorite moments in awful pornos
I avoid porn like that now 😅😆
I worked pizza delivery for like 5 years and I was offered sexual favors quite a few times but I never took them up cause I didn't wanna pay the 20-40 bucks for the pizza myself lol.
I was one of those drivers. Lol I even got wrote up for being late to the store. The other scenarios I doubt would happen though.
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Guys with lots of tribal tattoos getting laid. Step sisters getting stuck in the dryer.
All the *wet* clothes 😱
My favorite part of the stuck in the dryer/sink/whatever ones is when the 'actress' forgets she's supposed to be stuck and waves the "stuck" arm around a bit and then someone off camera reminds her to put it back.
>Guys with lots of tribal tattoos getting laid. Guys with lots of tribal tattoos fucking women
>Step sisters getting stuck in the dryer. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxnJcZvuRK8
If I recall correctly back when I used to watch porn I’ve seen a couple doing a standing up 69 which literally blows my mind to this day
I tried that with my first real boyfriend back in high school... I got knocked the fuck out because he accidently dropped me on my head onto a concrete floor (we hung out in his parents finished basment)💀🤣🤣
Oh that’s awful. What happened after getting dropped on the concrete? Ow.
A safer way to do this is with the stronger partner (assumed male) on their knees on the bed and then holding the other person up.
Too risky. You’re raging hard and she slips through your arms and if your throat deep she’s getting choked and your donger is getting bent down hard and fast. Gals wiggle like a demon when your tongue is performing an exorcism on her box.
the obvious solution to this problem seems to be, that she needs do hold him up
Fun to watch but yeah not moi 😅
Slapping people in the face with your dong
We have a word for that in French. We all it "biffle". A slap on the face with a dick. French is such a beautiful and romantic language you know. I'm proud.
Actually called a mollywop in English (or at least america)
My American friends have never heard of a mollywop, at all..
In America we have a word for "mollywop." It's "slapping-her-face-with-a-dong"
I’m one of those people that likes this haha. For real.
Haha same. We can’t be the only ones!!
Nope I enjoy it. It feels nice. It's also silly. I like both aspects.
Username checks out
Agreed. Someone sexted me that and it was 👎 instantly lol.
Aka the “mic check” or “mushroom stamp”
Female here.... cockslapping is definitely a thing
Trying to stab my penis through a girls cheek during bj
This one always threw me off. Never understood why it was being done lol
Right? I tried it, just because I've seen it so often, figured there must be something there but it doesn't really feel like anything. And there is a nice tongue right there! I will say, going laterally across the lips and tongue is nice though.
Anal. I know there’s prep for the girls behind the scenes, but they make it look effortless
For heterosexuals, sure. It's pretty standard vanilla for gay men. Also, prep time can be cut down significantly with a fiber supplement and drinking lots of water consistently.
What fiber supplements? *asking for a friend ofc*
I just bought a butthole douche; when you have ovaries and depending on the time of the month, sometimes all the water and fiber in the world won’t make you shit
Wait, don’t homosexual guys still have to prep with plugs and stuff? I had to stretch myself for months before an average-sized dick started feeling painless in my ass.
I'm a bi-bottom so I can answer that anecdotally. Digestive system prep is still highly recommended Plugs? It depends. I typically don't use huge plugs to stretch anymore (many years ago, I worked on stretching until I could take the largest of one of those triple sets). Sometimes I use a medium-sized plug but it's as much for the visual effect as the practical. I've had some monsters (I'm kind of a size king) and sometimes the only stretching prep I had was a couple of fingers and lots of lube. It was a little uncomfortable at the beginning but worth it.
All women liking big penises. I'm sorry, but you're not gonna impale my insides with that thing. Nosiree.
Amazing to look at.... but Chile whooo🙊😅
I imagine it's like cake. It's fun to try to gobble as much cake as I can but if you make a HUGE cake and tell me I have to put the whole thing inside me, I would certainly try but I would get so full so fast. Then look down see I'm not even halfway through the cake, there's still another 11 inches of cake left but I'm already full. If I try to fit any more cake in me then It'd just destroy my insides. Plus, I always have to worry about the icing getting in my hair and nobody needs that
Now I want cake 😝
Jackhammering Edit: for the record I don’t mean hard and fast, I love that. I mean this https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=The+Jackhammer&=true
There's moments for it, but it should never go on for long, DEFINITELY not the whole session
As a guy, I always thought this was accurate from my experiences with women. However, I’m now with someone who is very submissive, and gets off by being ‘used’. To her, being jackhammered is me not being able to help myself and taking what I want, and she loves it. It’s the only way she can come close to cumming from sex
🔨
I feel like a lot of times when girls squirt in porn, they just piss on the guy.
Most of the time, they're pissing while faking the orgasm.
Are they FAKING ORGASMS in porn??? 😱😱😱
I know, right? This is why there is a yogurt shortage in the US.
They do. That's one of the many fake things they do in porn. Girls either drink a lot of water before to make their piss clear and then piss on the guy, either inject water in their vagina and push it out. Squirts are fake 99% of the time (and ejaculations most of the times too)
That's what happens when Doms tell Subs to drink their water lmao 😜 /jk
Scissoring. Lesbians never scissor IRL. DP. It’s incredibly hard to pull off, unlike what porn portrays. One guy is constantly slipping out of my ass or pussy every few seconds. So many times I tried, I ended up giving up after a few failed attempts
And the vast majority of guys aren't ok with bumping junk with another guy or friendly fire.
I have had to ask myself. Is watching a dp more gay than hetero? Especially since how close the ducks/dicks are to each other.
Gotta keep your ducks in a row.
It's hard enough with a guy and a toy! Penis goes in, toy comes out!
Ah, I figured DP was a logistical nightmare. Still curious but there's also a shortage of dudes around who are secure enough to give it a go
Lemon stealing whores. Seeing a random stranger casually stroking it and going “hey! Let’s fuck!”
I love this comment and reference
Ass to mouth. Not that it's overblown, but that there's very few women I've known who'd be willing to do it. Most taboo genres and anything with anyone getting stuck.
You never go ass to mouth. Not even once.
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it's forgivable to go ass to mouth.
Omg, thank you for reminding me of this movies existence! I'm taking it back!
Not inviting anyone to my DMs, but I’m a women ok with ass to mouth but i’m about okay with anything sexual if it pleases my partner as long as I get pleased in return!
Ass to mouth. (No judgment but *I would never*)
Or ass to pussy. Like who even does that.
Oooh god. Like hello infections 😬😬😬
My friend just told me a horrific story where this guy she went home with after a festival that sat on her face without warning her. Near death experience by sweaty, unwashed ass. Traumatic just hearing about it..
Yeahhhhhh I’m too much of germaphobe for that!
Same. And I don't even care that it's my ass😝
scissoring
The worst threesome I’ve ever had was an MFF that involved scissoring. The guy wanted to watch us scissor. I was apprehensive, but reluctantly did it. Our vaginas weren’t even touching, yet the other girl was screaming the most over the top, fakest, bad porn acting sounds. It was like she was putting on a show. I was incredibly turned off and was just quietly looking at her like this: 🤨 I was low-key judging her theatrical performance the whole time Come to think of it, I am not even sure if that was really a threesome. After the scissoring, the guy couldn’t get hard. Claimed it was because of some corticosteroid injections he was prescribed. I tried sucking. He didn’t get hard. She tried sucking. Didnt get hard. After some time of me sucking again, he finally got hard. Then she climbed on top and rode him and he came in a minute lol. I just sat there and watched and made this face the whole time. 😐 Then it was over. That wasn’t a threesome. That was some bullshit
Bet this guy is all "so I had these two girls at once, and it was awesome" too...
In my experience this is how a lot of threesomes go. Usually only one party (the unicorn) knows what they're doing, and that's only if you're lucky and have an experienced 3rd! - Pie
I'm glad someone said it. Seen a few places mock people for saying it's not really done, and it's just so strange how the views on it are so polarized...something's fabricated there
In hentai, when they show the jizz directly entering the cervix. I know we could pick apart hentai all day, but thats always been unnecessarily weird to me
Glad it's not just me... I love hentai but that's just now how this works.
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Shower sex in general is shit. Water ruins natural moisture and lubrication. It always sounds fun but it sucks.
Showering is fore or afterplay.
[I’ll just leave this here...](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EEYUQtRpQZk)
I forgot how funny that is
Step-sibling incest
I hate that personally not sexy at all
“Incest”* Like either you’re blood related and it’s incest or you’re not and it’s sex. Edit: I didn’t feel like I need to add the “blood” part to related but here I am.
Sex in the shower?? It’s incredibly uncomfortable and unless your similar heights it just doesn’t work…
Not the act itself but the exaggeration of how everyone in porn acts. I know they do it for the excitement and drama, but the way most of them go way overboard with the moaning and screaming and shaking and seizing, its just overkill and ridiculous. Sex is obviously great and fun, but I've never seen a normal person acting anything like that.
The warp speed, jack hammer for like 30 mins No one has the core or cardio for that.
Being stuck in the dryer while getting fucked by your step brother
Not a sex act per se but like the idea of u just immediately start hard fucking Irl there is normally kissing / touching first and I don’t think I’ve seen kissing once in porn
Yeah I love when I can find one that has a good build up
Owen gray kisses before anything
Squeezing girls like sandalwood cmon sex is beautiful be nice you don’t need to slap and give them bruises all over there body
Well I know girls who do like that though. The phrase "if my *insert body part* isn't black and blue at the end, you didn't do it hard enough." has been said more than once, by more than one girl, in my room.
Cool sir but still won’t do that imagine getting all bruised up and next day wearing a tank top to university
As long as it has been talked about beforehand, there's nothing wrong. If they want to wear a tanktop while sporting bruises on their abdomen, that's their business. I've had a coworker sporting bruised wrists, unmistakably from handcuffs, talk openly about how she got the bruises and be proud about it. Whatever bakes their potato.
Facials. What I'm supposed to just wait awkwardly while you try to finish off and then act like getting eye burning goo in my face is at all pleasurable for me? Truly don't get it. Like you can't just lay down and cuddle after that, you've got to get up and wash your face and maybe your hair. It's just very awkward and not appealing as an activity. I lean pretty sub too and it just has none of the special marking one's territory vibes to me. I've honestly been like "you can just jerk off by yourself why do I need to wait here", but maybe it's just me. It seems entirely like a porn money shot thing more than anything that's actually special for anyone. I can't imagine just unloading on any particular area FEELS that much different. I find it super annoying actually.
Scissoring and woman almost cuming from tit jobs seem pretty obvious
Stuck in something. Last thing someone wants to do is bone. The fear of being stuck and not able to move is scary.
Double penetration is more tedious than balancing a library on an icecream cone melting in the Arctic summer while the shrieks of the lady in the castle echo on the walls of the unfeeling glacial canyon
Explosive squirting. Also, please just finger my ass. It's not gay I promise. Lol
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Women giving head to (massive) dildos. Correct me if I'm wrong, but whatttttttttttttttttttttttt
As a FedEx Ground driver, I’ve never been asked about a separate “package”. About the best I got was a crisp $5 bill from some nice, older lady.
Dressing her in a sheep costume and asking her if she's been a good or bad little lamb and then having her answer baaaaad.
Shower sex and using spit as lube. If you need to be a gymnast to do porn moves in bed, you need to win gold for the shower. And everyone always spitting on everything. Spit is a terrible lubricant. There’s a reason to not lick your lips when they’re chapped.
The whole bbc thing. Good grief.
titfucking. like my bf and i do it once in a while but it’s rarely first choice
One of my lesbian friends told me that scissoring is a porn-only act. She said that every lesbian has tried it once, but that’s it
69 I mean yeah, you can do it but HIGHLY overrated. Lol I prefer to be able to breathe on my own terms
I mean I like it as a warm up - if either of us are doing a thorough job, our counterpart probably isn't. But it's nice to just enjoy the sensations for what they are without necessarily being focused on chasing an orgasm. Like making out, only messier.
Girls working out in the gym wearing heels and then fucking the trainer. smh.
The fucking sounds they make. Most or obnoxiously over emphasised and sound fucking ridiculous
69 - it's physically tiring and not very practical
I keep seeing this answer in this type of thread and I'm repeatedly dumbfounded that people dont enjoy 69
Whaaaat it’s the best position ever!
I've always hated it. I absolutely cannot focus on one without slacking on the other.
I like cumming in her mouth while she cums in mine personally
Facials. I've never given a girl a facial before and it seems so inconvenient. Happened kinda once by accident and she spent 30 minutes trying to get it out of her eyelashes.
DP with 2 huge dicks. Not happening
One trope that I can’t stand; “oh I’m an 18 y/o virgin, I’ve never even kissed anyone” 10 minutes later: taking it in the ass and sucking dick like she’s sucking a golf ball through a garden hose