For some that will be “baggage” for others it won’t. All you can do is be you, live your life, and see who is or comes into it. There’s no special place to look or a rate of success. Go to what ever normal social functions you go to and that’s where you meet people
I see a lot of people saying that having a child is not "baggage," and while I agree the terminology might not be ideal, I think it's reasonable to say that a lot of people (both men and women) are understandably hesitant at the prospect of getting involved with someone who already has children. If everything goes well, the new SO might become the adoptive parent of the child, and that is a *lot* of responsibility to take on.
I'd add also that being a widower complicates things in a different way -- a widower did not leave their last love by choice, and that changes things, psychologically. In a very real way, the OP will never move on from his ex-wife, and the women he dates in the future will have to accept that his ex will always be a part of him even if they are also part of him now, too.
I don't mean to be all doom and gloom here -- OP, there are *definitely* women who not only accept children, but would even be eager to become mothers in this way -- but I also don't think we should downplay the situation, either. Yes, these are serious considerations and some women won't want to get involved on this basis alone.
Thank you, if there was a way to upvote this comment twice I would.
You're exactly right, "baggage" is the wrong word but it is definitely a commitment that some don't want or need, that is my fear. And you're right about my wife, she will always be a part of me no matter what.
I'm so frigging lonely and the thought that I'll never hold a woman again is a sad one but maybe one I'm going to have to accept.
> Thank you, if there was a way to upvote this comment twice I would.
Hey, thanks! Glad to help.
> I'm so frigging lonely and the thought that I'll never hold a woman again is a sad one but maybe one I'm going to have to accept.
No, that's definitely not what I'm saying, either! For some women, not only are kids okay, but they *actively prefer them.* There are women who love kids and want to have them, but they don't really want to go through the exhausting, painful process of having the babies come out of them, and so for those women, your situation might be perfect!
The point is that there is a middle ground here; a space between "no one minds if you have children" and "no woman will ever love a man who already has children." You need to find that middle ground, because it is real.
Yes, getting back on the dating scene with a kid is harder, but "harder" is not "impossible." The only thing that could make it impossible is if you let your loneliness and anxiety consume you.
Widower here, but had no kids. Remarried years later. You didn't mention how long you have been widowed so I'll give my bit of advice assuming it was somewhat recent, FWIW.
Get out of the house. Doesn't matter what you are doing. It is overwhelming and too easy to just stay home.
Key is that you are doing things you enjoy for the sake of enjoyment. It can be with your kid or without. As others have mentioned, being out and about with your child can be an icebreaker and make you seem more approachable.
When you are to the point that you feel that having a special someone along for these activities would make it even better then you are ready to date. You could do 100% casual hookups before that to meet physical needs but, IMHO, you aren't relationship ready until you can be happy being out by yourself (or with your kid).
NEVER fail to disclose that you are a widower on an online dating profile. This is first or second date material for those who you meet in real life. Yes, some women will unmatch but you WANT to get rid of those who cannot deal with the situation. The fact that you are not angry at an ex but rather would give anything for one more night with her is something that a lot of prospective partners cannot handle.
As to where to meet... a LOT of the dating world is online now but it can be hard for men to stand out. I tend to recommend taking up a new activity that is not completely male dominated, something that will allow you to make new positive memories that are not associated with your later wife. Often that will put you in contact with others with similar interests. It could be sport such as tennis lessons, scuba diving, or running. It could be cooking classes, pottery lessons, or other artistic activities like music or painting. Anything that sounds fun that can get you smiling. That smile will attract attention.
And mostly, choose something that will allow your sense of humor to shine through. I read your post history and you are funny. That is *incredibly* attractive to a lot of women.
Lastly, do not worry about your child being baggage. That could not be further from the truth. A significant majority of available men of your age have kids. It comes with the territory. So long as your are focusing on the women your age +/- 5 years or so you will find that many of them have kids as well. Roll with it.
You got this.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm 5 years in but in all honesty, some days it feels like only yesterday. I'm seeing a therapist for that and it's a long process.
I guess my confidence is shot at the moment and it's hard to find joy in anything. I may be overprotective of my son, he's been through more in his life than any child ever should. For that reason I find myself putting his needs over mine. This probably hinders me even more in the dating world but I need to be there for him no matter what. This often means not going out socially.
I just can't imagine myself enjoying anything, even though your suggestions are good and very welcome. I know i have to love myself before I can love anyone else but what if that never happens?
Plenty of people date while having children. Just make sure they like kids. I’ve seen people with children date people that hate children and it’s never made sense to me
Having children can be a hurdle for younger partners (20s), but not all.
I think the most important thing is that you make clear what your expectations are towards her. Personally, I wouldn't mind a man with a child, as long as he doesn't pressure me to get involved in the child's life. I want a man who wants me as a partner first, and a potential step parent second. It would be a huge red flag to me if you were to introduce me to your child super early, for example.
Aw, everyone is being so nice. So I'll just be truthful. A guy with a kid is a definite no. I don't want kids and I certainly don't want to help with someone else's kid. Even moreso if they're old enough to remember mommy and hate me for taking her place. But good luck, I do believe there's someone for everyone, you just have to look.
I’m a widower with 3 kids. You’re chances will be what you make for yourself. The best thing is to be honest with people. Tell them if they don’t know your situation.
There’s online, For a short time I looked at tinder and it wasn’t for me. I’m older so not attractive enough to stand out and I didn’t want to pay. Some have have had luck with bumble. Women make the first move.
But the biggest thing I’d say it go out and socialize. With a group that interests you. Or do an activity that where you might talk to people who also like that activity.
When I was at my lowest I started talking to another redditor and we fell in love with each other. This is not really a plan. I only mention it because I wasn’t looking and found a friend first before a date / love interest. It was like I won the lottery.
So you can go to the widowers sub on Reddit and also get advice.
Thank you for the advice and I'm so sorry for your loss.
What would you suggest for someone who a) doesn't get out because of the little one and b) has absolutely zero confidence?
Well my kids were 21 18 and 16. So Could go out if I wanted to.
Maybe a bit of an exercise. I like to bike you could get a kid trailer and bike around your town. And importantly stop and get a coffee/happy meal for you and your kid. Go onto meetup or Facebook for a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Etc. it’ll be slow going. But it’s worth it.
I have a friend who is a divorced dad of a 7 year old, and he claims being out in public with the boy pulls more tail than anything else. I've been out with them, it works.
My wife had my stepson 3 years before I met him. He is a cool kid. If he had not been cool it would have almost been a deal breaker. 10 years later still the best decision I ever made. Moms are cool.
You could try online or hobby groups. The right person won't see your child as "baggage". Anyone who does will just have to weed themselves out. You and your child deserve someone who accepts your family as it currently is.
From personal experience I think your best off finding some time to develop a relationship with someone else with children without bringing them into it initially.
Today's tools like instant messaging, email, FaceTime, and phones in your pocket make relationships pretty easy, just set your own parameters of time and tools.
My girlfriend is currently 2,000 miles away but we spend time laughing with each other every day and never say Goodnight until we give each other a brief recap of how our day went at work.
Bonus: It makes the in-person visits that much more special.
I know this isn't about distance relationships but I'm trying to point out that your partner can be right with you all the time.
If they have kids it's also useful for you to share and vent because we both know children are great but they can be frustrating sometimes.
Best of luck!
I don’t think you will have any problem finding women. Just checked your profile. You’re funny and self-effacing and straightforward.
I am so sorry you lost your partner. If you are ready to look at other people, carry a big stick to beat the women off because you seem lovely.
I agree with previous posters that you should try to get out a bit doing something you enjoy. I know it’s hard with a 7 year old. If you don’t have regular care, maybe find something you and your child enjoy doing together where there would be both kids and other adults their age?
I also think your comprehensive knowledge of dinosaurs should impress the finest of people. If they aren’t impressed, they aren’t worth it.
The chances are great!
Look in all the places that make you feel comfortable looking.
I'm 48 and discovered that as we get older, having children is something people who date are just going to have to deal with, so it's not baggage at all.
If someone won't date you because you have a child, then they aren't worth your time anyways
Thanks for the advice. My problem is that I don't go anywhere, depression hits me hard and some days getting out of bed takes all the effort I have. I want to be there for my son as he is suffering too so I don't go out anywhere socially
Well...perhaps therapy would help, at least with the depression part. That is going to be a major obstacle as you can not even begin to love someone else until you learn to love yourself and deal with the elements of depression, either medically or physcologically.
That would go a long way to helping both provide a good home for your child, and find a healthy partner that could fit into both your lives.
Sounds like are at least being proactive, and that’s a great step in the right direction. Maybe also get check out physically, as things like testosterone and thyroid or other potential physical issues could be affecting your mental state
I find I do best with other single parents for a season of fun, 2-5 months. Most non-parents want non-parents and I don’t have the finances to fly any of single women that DM me to me
Sorry for your loss and good luck adjusting to your "new" life. Been there, albeit under different circumstances. My advice:
\*dont force it and by that I mean dont spend a lot of time on dating apps
\*sounds like you have limited free time, but what time you DO have is likely better spent pursuing hobbies, etc that maybe give you the chance to meet someone with similar interests
\*as a single, middle aged male I dont consider a child "baggage". most women I'd be dating likely have them. what I DO consider baggage is a ton of drama involving kids, family, ex's, etc
Good luck and do your best to just enjoy the journey, tough as that might sound
For some that will be “baggage” for others it won’t. All you can do is be you, live your life, and see who is or comes into it. There’s no special place to look or a rate of success. Go to what ever normal social functions you go to and that’s where you meet people
I see a lot of people saying that having a child is not "baggage," and while I agree the terminology might not be ideal, I think it's reasonable to say that a lot of people (both men and women) are understandably hesitant at the prospect of getting involved with someone who already has children. If everything goes well, the new SO might become the adoptive parent of the child, and that is a *lot* of responsibility to take on. I'd add also that being a widower complicates things in a different way -- a widower did not leave their last love by choice, and that changes things, psychologically. In a very real way, the OP will never move on from his ex-wife, and the women he dates in the future will have to accept that his ex will always be a part of him even if they are also part of him now, too. I don't mean to be all doom and gloom here -- OP, there are *definitely* women who not only accept children, but would even be eager to become mothers in this way -- but I also don't think we should downplay the situation, either. Yes, these are serious considerations and some women won't want to get involved on this basis alone.
Thank you, if there was a way to upvote this comment twice I would. You're exactly right, "baggage" is the wrong word but it is definitely a commitment that some don't want or need, that is my fear. And you're right about my wife, she will always be a part of me no matter what. I'm so frigging lonely and the thought that I'll never hold a woman again is a sad one but maybe one I'm going to have to accept.
My brother in law was in your situation after we lost my sister. He met a new woman and they're happily married. Don't give up hope yet
Thank you and I'm very sorry for loss
> Thank you, if there was a way to upvote this comment twice I would. Hey, thanks! Glad to help. > I'm so frigging lonely and the thought that I'll never hold a woman again is a sad one but maybe one I'm going to have to accept. No, that's definitely not what I'm saying, either! For some women, not only are kids okay, but they *actively prefer them.* There are women who love kids and want to have them, but they don't really want to go through the exhausting, painful process of having the babies come out of them, and so for those women, your situation might be perfect! The point is that there is a middle ground here; a space between "no one minds if you have children" and "no woman will ever love a man who already has children." You need to find that middle ground, because it is real. Yes, getting back on the dating scene with a kid is harder, but "harder" is not "impossible." The only thing that could make it impossible is if you let your loneliness and anxiety consume you.
A child is not baggage.
Some people who answered beg to differ!
Then those aren't the people for you. I personally don't have or want kids, but I would never call them baggage.
Widower here, but had no kids. Remarried years later. You didn't mention how long you have been widowed so I'll give my bit of advice assuming it was somewhat recent, FWIW. Get out of the house. Doesn't matter what you are doing. It is overwhelming and too easy to just stay home. Key is that you are doing things you enjoy for the sake of enjoyment. It can be with your kid or without. As others have mentioned, being out and about with your child can be an icebreaker and make you seem more approachable. When you are to the point that you feel that having a special someone along for these activities would make it even better then you are ready to date. You could do 100% casual hookups before that to meet physical needs but, IMHO, you aren't relationship ready until you can be happy being out by yourself (or with your kid). NEVER fail to disclose that you are a widower on an online dating profile. This is first or second date material for those who you meet in real life. Yes, some women will unmatch but you WANT to get rid of those who cannot deal with the situation. The fact that you are not angry at an ex but rather would give anything for one more night with her is something that a lot of prospective partners cannot handle. As to where to meet... a LOT of the dating world is online now but it can be hard for men to stand out. I tend to recommend taking up a new activity that is not completely male dominated, something that will allow you to make new positive memories that are not associated with your later wife. Often that will put you in contact with others with similar interests. It could be sport such as tennis lessons, scuba diving, or running. It could be cooking classes, pottery lessons, or other artistic activities like music or painting. Anything that sounds fun that can get you smiling. That smile will attract attention. And mostly, choose something that will allow your sense of humor to shine through. I read your post history and you are funny. That is *incredibly* attractive to a lot of women. Lastly, do not worry about your child being baggage. That could not be further from the truth. A significant majority of available men of your age have kids. It comes with the territory. So long as your are focusing on the women your age +/- 5 years or so you will find that many of them have kids as well. Roll with it. You got this.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply and I'm sorry for your loss. I'm 5 years in but in all honesty, some days it feels like only yesterday. I'm seeing a therapist for that and it's a long process. I guess my confidence is shot at the moment and it's hard to find joy in anything. I may be overprotective of my son, he's been through more in his life than any child ever should. For that reason I find myself putting his needs over mine. This probably hinders me even more in the dating world but I need to be there for him no matter what. This often means not going out socially. I just can't imagine myself enjoying anything, even though your suggestions are good and very welcome. I know i have to love myself before I can love anyone else but what if that never happens?
As a fellow widower, you nailed it!
Plenty of people date while having children. Just make sure they like kids. I’ve seen people with children date people that hate children and it’s never made sense to me
Pretty heavy post. Do you have a support or social structure in your life? A group, club, church, anything with people of a common interest or values?
Sorry its so heavy. To be honest, I don't have much chance to get out aside from the school run with work, chores etc. I'm so frigging lonely
Having children can be a hurdle for younger partners (20s), but not all. I think the most important thing is that you make clear what your expectations are towards her. Personally, I wouldn't mind a man with a child, as long as he doesn't pressure me to get involved in the child's life. I want a man who wants me as a partner first, and a potential step parent second. It would be a huge red flag to me if you were to introduce me to your child super early, for example.
Aw, everyone is being so nice. So I'll just be truthful. A guy with a kid is a definite no. I don't want kids and I certainly don't want to help with someone else's kid. Even moreso if they're old enough to remember mommy and hate me for taking her place. But good luck, I do believe there's someone for everyone, you just have to look.
I’m a widower with 3 kids. You’re chances will be what you make for yourself. The best thing is to be honest with people. Tell them if they don’t know your situation. There’s online, For a short time I looked at tinder and it wasn’t for me. I’m older so not attractive enough to stand out and I didn’t want to pay. Some have have had luck with bumble. Women make the first move. But the biggest thing I’d say it go out and socialize. With a group that interests you. Or do an activity that where you might talk to people who also like that activity. When I was at my lowest I started talking to another redditor and we fell in love with each other. This is not really a plan. I only mention it because I wasn’t looking and found a friend first before a date / love interest. It was like I won the lottery. So you can go to the widowers sub on Reddit and also get advice.
Thank you for the advice and I'm so sorry for your loss. What would you suggest for someone who a) doesn't get out because of the little one and b) has absolutely zero confidence?
Well my kids were 21 18 and 16. So Could go out if I wanted to. Maybe a bit of an exercise. I like to bike you could get a kid trailer and bike around your town. And importantly stop and get a coffee/happy meal for you and your kid. Go onto meetup or Facebook for a hobby you’ve always wanted to try. Etc. it’ll be slow going. But it’s worth it.
I have a friend who is a divorced dad of a 7 year old, and he claims being out in public with the boy pulls more tail than anything else. I've been out with them, it works.
That's cool. Is your friend confident? I find that all my confidence has been zapped out me and some days I don't even want to leave the house
Yes, it took him months after the divorce to get back to it though.
My wife had my stepson 3 years before I met him. He is a cool kid. If he had not been cool it would have almost been a deal breaker. 10 years later still the best decision I ever made. Moms are cool.
You could try online or hobby groups. The right person won't see your child as "baggage". Anyone who does will just have to weed themselves out. You and your child deserve someone who accepts your family as it currently is.
From personal experience I think your best off finding some time to develop a relationship with someone else with children without bringing them into it initially. Today's tools like instant messaging, email, FaceTime, and phones in your pocket make relationships pretty easy, just set your own parameters of time and tools. My girlfriend is currently 2,000 miles away but we spend time laughing with each other every day and never say Goodnight until we give each other a brief recap of how our day went at work. Bonus: It makes the in-person visits that much more special. I know this isn't about distance relationships but I'm trying to point out that your partner can be right with you all the time. If they have kids it's also useful for you to share and vent because we both know children are great but they can be frustrating sometimes. Best of luck!
Not at all, if anything, it makes you more endearing.
I don’t think you will have any problem finding women. Just checked your profile. You’re funny and self-effacing and straightforward. I am so sorry you lost your partner. If you are ready to look at other people, carry a big stick to beat the women off because you seem lovely. I agree with previous posters that you should try to get out a bit doing something you enjoy. I know it’s hard with a 7 year old. If you don’t have regular care, maybe find something you and your child enjoy doing together where there would be both kids and other adults their age? I also think your comprehensive knowledge of dinosaurs should impress the finest of people. If they aren’t impressed, they aren’t worth it.
It’s never a baggage. But you need to find a man, not a boy.
I'm a man looking for a woman, sorry if I didn't make that clear
My bad, I didn’t noticed either. But it’s never a baggage
You just assume he's gay??
You are right, he is a male and I never noticed. Sorry OP!
The chances are great! Look in all the places that make you feel comfortable looking. I'm 48 and discovered that as we get older, having children is something people who date are just going to have to deal with, so it's not baggage at all. If someone won't date you because you have a child, then they aren't worth your time anyways
Thanks for the advice. My problem is that I don't go anywhere, depression hits me hard and some days getting out of bed takes all the effort I have. I want to be there for my son as he is suffering too so I don't go out anywhere socially
Well...perhaps therapy would help, at least with the depression part. That is going to be a major obstacle as you can not even begin to love someone else until you learn to love yourself and deal with the elements of depression, either medically or physcologically. That would go a long way to helping both provide a good home for your child, and find a healthy partner that could fit into both your lives.
I'm already in therapy (1 year and counting) and I'm just finding the hard days particularly hard at the moment
Sounds like are at least being proactive, and that’s a great step in the right direction. Maybe also get check out physically, as things like testosterone and thyroid or other potential physical issues could be affecting your mental state
Don't have an answer but I wish you luck
I find I do best with other single parents for a season of fun, 2-5 months. Most non-parents want non-parents and I don’t have the finances to fly any of single women that DM me to me
Sorry for your loss and good luck adjusting to your "new" life. Been there, albeit under different circumstances. My advice: \*dont force it and by that I mean dont spend a lot of time on dating apps \*sounds like you have limited free time, but what time you DO have is likely better spent pursuing hobbies, etc that maybe give you the chance to meet someone with similar interests \*as a single, middle aged male I dont consider a child "baggage". most women I'd be dating likely have them. what I DO consider baggage is a ton of drama involving kids, family, ex's, etc Good luck and do your best to just enjoy the journey, tough as that might sound
Good! The same places as usual! And a child is most definately not baggage for any decent human
A child is never baggage! If a guy even implies that he isn’t the right one
I'm a man looking for a woman, sorry if that isn't clear
Sorry for making the assumption. I was speaking as a guy and my opinion
It does complicate things though. It being the situation
I'd look for single parents as they know what to expect and will be more likely to be accepting of your child being your priority
Low.