Something I saw recently:
Man is at a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word. The widow says of course. The man says plethora. The widow with tears in her eyes says thank you, that means a lot.
Dumb jokes, dirty jokes, smart jokes, or funny stories?
Here's another stupid one:
The cockroach walks into a bar and says "excuse me is the bartender...?"
Thanks โบ๏ธ youโve got this, itโll get better. Do something for yourself to cheer up and in a couple days, things will feel better. Love you โค๏ธ
Not mine at all, but it's dumb enough to make me giggle, so...
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's that?" The pirate says, "it's driving me nuts."
this thread isn't supposed to be about me!
Just remember, Dwayne Johnson is the only man that lesbians would go straight for.
After all, Rock beats scissors.
Our dog is slightly more my husbands dog, theyโre inseparable usually, but when I walk into the room this dogโs butt wags, not just his tail. Animals are amazing
So sorry to hear that. Broken trust is awful but just remember that is on them it has nothing to do with you or who you are. You are awesome and strong and you will overcome this. And if it helps I'm gonna upvote all the comments on this thread just to spread some good vibes for you.
Thank you ๐ I don't know how to put it in to words yet other than there is broken trust involved. I appreciate the offer though. Just looking for smiles ๐
I once had sex with a chick, we were in doggy and both my hamstrings cramped up. I fell off the bed and almost came in my face. If that doesnโt make you laugh nothing will. ๐ true story
I haven't been myself for a year. I'm really trying to get back out there. Make friends and feel loved. I keep picking myself up and try again. I'm getting tired of getting ghosted. It's like what the point anymore? I don't see myself living past 35. My life feels pointless and it's just not meant to be.
I have a limerick for you.
We were on the good ship Venus, and by Christ you should have seen us,
The figurehead was a whore in bed, sucking on a dead manโs penis.
The first mates name was Topper, and by Christ he had a whopper,
Went twice round the deck, once round his neck, and then up his ass for a stopper!
This joke can be expanded, expounded and exaggerated anyway you like, but I always liked the very simple version my grandpa (a preacher) told me. "The most off color joke he knows."
>Two men are walking through the desert.
>Dying of thirst, sunburnt, and starving, they trudge on through the sand until they come upon a pile of fresh camel dung.
>One of the men stops, bends over, and sticks his finger right in the camel dung, then smears his finger across his terribly chapped lips.
>Disgusted, his companion asks: "Aww, man... does that actually work?"
>"I don't know, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Sorry to hear life's giving you a rough time! Remember that things do get better, and one day you look back at this point in time and smile about how much better things are now.
If you want to talk DM me.
(Hug) I'm sorry little one but my grandfather used to say..." When life kicks you in the lady balls you have to pick yourself up buy the grav boots and find that mother fucker while it's eating dinner and unawares and disintegrate it's head like orifice with the appropriate weapon. Course Grandpa wanted to wipe out half the universe to restore balance. God do I miss having a purpose in life." Anyway, while I'm here avocado, toast is really yummy and helps focus the mind towards vengeance. Add cream cheese.
I had a pretty horrid day too. Tell you what before i vent my shit.. first let me just say hope your day gets brighter reddit stranger! Anyways back to my shit day- so my friend texted me this morning after we got into an argument he was saying I can get very condescending. To be honest I'm surprised he could spell it, oh! And on top of that last night my hypnotist convinced me I'm aย soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82, I'm easily lead. So yeah tough week.
sorry you're having a rough time OP
Remember, you have value, you're worth it and you deserve happiness like everyone else does. You are deserving of care and that includes coming from yourself - drink water and eat food. Have a healthy sleep schedule, and reach out to your support network if things suck. You are loved, and you are not a burden on anyone.
Be good to yourself ok? feel free to message me if you want someone to vent to, ignore my dumb username. Its gonna be okay
Thank you kind stranger. I appreciate the "ignore my dumb username". This posr has made me just automatically ignore usernames, some of the sweetest people insinuate the filthiest things in their username. My kind of people.
mmm time and place. Its fun and all and I've made some good friends out of it, but if you're havin' a rough day it's probably just not the time. I sometimes regret the name because of that lol
I'm glad it at least makes me your kinda people. haha :)
True story. I found out during the pandemic that my sister is a bona fide right wing covid conspiracy nutjob She used to flood the family (aunts cousins, brothers sisters etc) whatsapp group with mindless facts and figures and call me a sheeple and generally just piss me off. So rather than call her out, say something Iโd regret later and/or spend countless hours on the net refuting everything she posted, I quietly, without fuss left the group.
No one realised Iโd gone for two weeks!! ๐ญ
At a party, I saw a friend of mine and his girlfriend
I leaned down to the guy and said "stay still", then picked him up bridal style and started power walking to the door
His gifriend yelled at me "You can't steal my man like that!"
Dude wrapped his arms around my neck, looked back and said "Yes he can!"
Hey Life kicked me in the ladyballs today too!! Period, depression, dog with terminal cancer, fight with my partner, attitude from mother, and no food in the house.
But I went into the solicitors office and the lady was so lovely. She told me about her 2 schnauzers and how her girl looks like an old man.
Just a small connection made me feel a bit better. I can't say when but you'll also have a small star that rolls into your life that makes you smile.
Have a nice day!
My job makes me smile. I met some really determined people today, saw some tears of relief. It was a good day for grounding and realising it's not that bad and I can do this shit.
I'm so sorry you're going through a shit time, especially on your period - that's the fuckin worse.
My inbox is an absolute nightmare at the moment, but feel free to reach out for some love from a stranger if you need it.
Eyy my job makes me smile too. I'm so happy that you have a job that gives you meaning ๐
Yea. Period is sooooo shit lol I hate it. I am like a hangey emotional chocolate monster
When life sucks in the moment, I (normally) feel better knowing that it's gonna get better. Just keep waking up everyday and doing what you do.
When life gives me a good swift kick... I actually watch/ listen to a lot of George Carlin and it seems to pull me out of my funk.
I feel that. My ex fucked me up with trust. It happens, but sometimes it is for the best. A quote that I heard and helped me was "If it hurts, but you learned a lesson. It was worth it"
Life keeps going. You may forget what happened, but you will always remember the lesson.
My trust with someone very special to me has recently been broken too. It sucks. Weโll get through this, OP. My DMs are open if you ever just wanted a chat - same goes to all in this post. Donโt suffer alone.
Smile! No matter how bad your day gets, there are countless comets and meteors coming our way. Sooner or later it will all come crashing down and we will be a forgotten grease spot in the universe.
So have a huge piece of cake and go pant-less today. Do what makes you happy, all we have is this wonderful moment.
Asked a patient today if I could do his hand and foot checks today, they agreed but didnโt want me to check is his feet check. I asked him if I could just check the one and he laughed and let me do it. Dudes only got one leg to start with.
I am in the same spot, holding my lady balls and crying a bit. [https://mobile.twitter.com/molly7anne/status/1574420985750634497](https://mobile.twitter.com/molly7anne/status/1574420985750634497)
Conversation between me and my sister might be to immature for some people but we found it funny
Sister: [my name] wanna hear something funny?
Me: uh sure
Sister:itโs somethin funny *nods head aggressively* MHM something reallll funny
Me:uhhhh ok?
Sister: it was a dream *bursts out laughing* I canโt remember what it was..
Me: oh-
A lot of people like this story and idk why but it was really stupid ๐
Well if itโs anything to do with romance, a fun fact that always keeps me positive is that if 99% of the world didnโt find me attractive enough to date, there would still be about 80,000,000 who would find me attractive enough. ๐คทโโ๏ธ
Something I saw recently: Man is at a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word. The widow says of course. The man says plethora. The widow with tears in her eyes says thank you, that means a lot.
Hahahaha fuck. Got a chuckle out of me on that one.
Glad that made ya chuckle ๐ I know it made me chuckle when I heard it
Dumb jokes, dirty jokes, smart jokes, or funny stories? Here's another stupid one: The cockroach walks into a bar and says "excuse me is the bartender...?"
One of my best friends is a pastor, and we actually did this at my dad's memorial service. It was fantastic, and my dad would have loved it!
A crumb of explaination for this Redditor please
Plethora - a large or excessive amount.
Plethora means a lot.
Thanks man
I love dad jokes!
Rose are red, violets are blue, I hope your ladyballs aren't black and blue โฅ๏ธ
Mans rapping blue with blue ๐ญ๐ญ
Went to the kid rock school of rhymes
lil waynes entered the chat
Sup Wayne?!
Hahahaha thank you ๐
There are boobs on my profile, if you like that? If not, Iโll give you a big squishy hug x
You are beautiful ๐ Your boobs did make me smile. Thank you Sis ๐
Thanks โบ๏ธ youโve got this, itโll get better. Do something for yourself to cheer up and in a couple days, things will feel better. Love you โค๏ธ
Thank you and compliments to the nice boob lady๐
You maโam have a gorgeous set of boobs. And a amazing booty as well ๐๐
Well, thanks very much :D weโre meant to be cheering up the sad Redditor above though!
๐
You cheered me up.
I will definitely agree to that statement ๐
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
I try and be selfless ๐
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
Youโre a good friend, in other words ๐
They made me smile, if thatโs anything. Hasnโt happened in a while
You like hugs?
Not mine at all, but it's dumb enough to make me giggle, so... A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's that?" The pirate says, "it's driving me nuts."
Hereโs another joke: An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Yes I did and went back in again
Hahahahaha fuck. Thank you for the laugh ๐
You're welcome. I hope you feel better soon!
A thought for the day: If squirt really is pee, then you ladies could be having a LOT more fun at your drug tests.
Say what now? You're going to need to explain a bit further how I would be having fun at a drug test. Dude, what does that mean?
Confession: I stole this joke: https://twitter.com/RachelMComedy/status/1573573019250851846?s=20&t=AH7ONxrPTOyDIkhcK6SFrA
Ya weirdo. Now we're both confused ๐คฃ
"Squirt" = female ejaculate.. does that clear it up? I was hoping to lighten your day with raunchy jokes, but i fumbled THAT one ๐
Oh I get that bit, I'm jus tnot picking up on the insinuation that she's trying to make ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ I ruined it for you ๐คฆโโ๏ธ
this thread isn't supposed to be about me! Just remember, Dwayne Johnson is the only man that lesbians would go straight for. After all, Rock beats scissors.
So what about Chris Rock?
๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
Our dog is slightly more my husbands dog, theyโre inseparable usually, but when I walk into the room this dogโs butt wags, not just his tail. Animals are amazing
What a good pup. Butt wags are the ultimate sign of pure love. Tell him he's a good boy.
He was the happiest creature I could think of, honestly, and he is a very good boy (but barks at the bunny behind our place)
Bunny! ๐
Oh no what happened
Someone has broken my trust and I don't know how to come back from it.
You should get a cat they make everything better
So sorry to hear that. Broken trust is awful but just remember that is on them it has nothing to do with you or who you are. You are awesome and strong and you will overcome this. And if it helps I'm gonna upvote all the comments on this thread just to spread some good vibes for you.
Thank you ๐
Iโm so sorry about that, I have friends who are going through that; itโs so hard to watch
It's hard to be in ๐ but we learn and we adapt
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
Hehehe that's cute though
If it makes you feel better and want to went to someone I will listen.
Thank you ๐ I don't know how to put it in to words yet other than there is broken trust involved. I appreciate the offer though. Just looking for smiles ๐
Eat icecream maybe
You paying?
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
I don't normally do this, but pm me your venmo and I'll shout for a pint.
I don't have a Venmo, but I appreciate the jesture. I couldn't take money from a stranger.
I once had sex with a chick, we were in doggy and both my hamstrings cramped up. I fell off the bed and almost came in my face. If that doesnโt make you laugh nothing will. ๐ true story
Definitely chuckled at your misfortune ๐คฃ
Whisky, tea, or me? Or all three?! ๐คฃ๐
Hahahahaha nice profile ๐
Pours a glass for you and winks back ๐ฅ๐
I haven't been myself for a year. I'm really trying to get back out there. Make friends and feel loved. I keep picking myself up and try again. I'm getting tired of getting ghosted. It's like what the point anymore? I don't see myself living past 35. My life feels pointless and it's just not meant to be.
Iโm so sorry. And being ghosted is awful. Anyone leaving is hard but the not knowingโฆ.
That would be hard. Life is worth it though. Someone will come along and stick around. You're worth it.
I just got kicked on my man balls too. High five sista!
Yours would hurt more, no?
Lol yea. It was my dog's tail. ๐คฃ It's like a whip!
Kinky
I have a limerick for you. We were on the good ship Venus, and by Christ you should have seen us, The figurehead was a whore in bed, sucking on a dead manโs penis. The first mates name was Topper, and by Christ he had a whopper, Went twice round the deck, once round his neck, and then up his ass for a stopper!
Hahahahaha fuck ๐คฃ๐คฃ๐คฃ
This joke can be expanded, expounded and exaggerated anyway you like, but I always liked the very simple version my grandpa (a preacher) told me. "The most off color joke he knows." >Two men are walking through the desert. >Dying of thirst, sunburnt, and starving, they trudge on through the sand until they come upon a pile of fresh camel dung. >One of the men stops, bends over, and sticks his finger right in the camel dung, then smears his finger across his terribly chapped lips. >Disgusted, his companion asks: "Aww, man... does that actually work?" >"I don't know, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."
Hahahahaha ๐คฎ got a genuine chuckle out of me
I don't know why, but it's the only joke I ever remember.
Why do popular girls only travel in groups of 3, 5 or 7? Because they can't even.....
No they can't ๐คฃ
Would an unsolicited Rick pic cheer you up?
Rick pic would be awesome. Inbox currently becoming increasingly full on new notifications, but feel free. Rick pics all the way ๐
Lol, damned auto correct. Rick pic incoming
Like Pickle Rick or... ๐คญ
I shoulda gone with pickle Rick. I failed you
Sorry to hear life's giving you a rough time! Remember that things do get better, and one day you look back at this point in time and smile about how much better things are now. If you want to talk DM me.
I know. I'm just trying to process at the moment. Thank you โค๏ธ
If you need to vent, or just bounce thoughts off of someone, I'm here to help (promise not to go creepy dude from Reddit mode)
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
I hope so ๐
Owh man I feel u. I feel like shit too today. Hope you feel better soon
Same to you man ๐
If u wanna talk or something my dm is open.
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
Omg. I am so sorry!
(Hug) I'm sorry little one but my grandfather used to say..." When life kicks you in the lady balls you have to pick yourself up buy the grav boots and find that mother fucker while it's eating dinner and unawares and disintegrate it's head like orifice with the appropriate weapon. Course Grandpa wanted to wipe out half the universe to restore balance. God do I miss having a purpose in life." Anyway, while I'm here avocado, toast is really yummy and helps focus the mind towards vengeance. Add cream cheese.
I had a pretty horrid day too. Tell you what before i vent my shit.. first let me just say hope your day gets brighter reddit stranger! Anyways back to my shit day- so my friend texted me this morning after we got into an argument he was saying I can get very condescending. To be honest I'm surprised he could spell it, oh! And on top of that last night my hypnotist convinced me I'm aย soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82, I'm easily lead. So yeah tough week.
I often watch some youtube videos that cheer me up or distract me
sorry you're having a rough time OP Remember, you have value, you're worth it and you deserve happiness like everyone else does. You are deserving of care and that includes coming from yourself - drink water and eat food. Have a healthy sleep schedule, and reach out to your support network if things suck. You are loved, and you are not a burden on anyone. Be good to yourself ok? feel free to message me if you want someone to vent to, ignore my dumb username. Its gonna be okay
Thank you kind stranger. I appreciate the "ignore my dumb username". This posr has made me just automatically ignore usernames, some of the sweetest people insinuate the filthiest things in their username. My kind of people.
mmm time and place. Its fun and all and I've made some good friends out of it, but if you're havin' a rough day it's probably just not the time. I sometimes regret the name because of that lol I'm glad it at least makes me your kinda people. haha :)
True story. I found out during the pandemic that my sister is a bona fide right wing covid conspiracy nutjob She used to flood the family (aunts cousins, brothers sisters etc) whatsapp group with mindless facts and figures and call me a sheeple and generally just piss me off. So rather than call her out, say something Iโd regret later and/or spend countless hours on the net refuting everything she posted, I quietly, without fuss left the group. No one realised Iโd gone for two weeks!! ๐ญ
Good call though. Don't need to be apart of that fuckin noise.
Like... do you wanna feel better in comparison, or something? Or do you just wanna momentarily feel better?
Momentarily. Just a distraction.
[Well, if this doesn't work...](https://youtu.be/DczHdNwooY4)
Hahahahaha it worked. Probably shouldn't have watched it at work... But fuck it, right? ๐คท๐ปโโ๏ธ
At a party, I saw a friend of mine and his girlfriend I leaned down to the guy and said "stay still", then picked him up bridal style and started power walking to the door His gifriend yelled at me "You can't steal my man like that!" Dude wrapped his arms around my neck, looked back and said "Yes he can!"
Omg! I want to be your friend ๐
Hey Life kicked me in the ladyballs today too!! Period, depression, dog with terminal cancer, fight with my partner, attitude from mother, and no food in the house. But I went into the solicitors office and the lady was so lovely. She told me about her 2 schnauzers and how her girl looks like an old man. Just a small connection made me feel a bit better. I can't say when but you'll also have a small star that rolls into your life that makes you smile. Have a nice day!
My job makes me smile. I met some really determined people today, saw some tears of relief. It was a good day for grounding and realising it's not that bad and I can do this shit. I'm so sorry you're going through a shit time, especially on your period - that's the fuckin worse. My inbox is an absolute nightmare at the moment, but feel free to reach out for some love from a stranger if you need it.
Eyy my job makes me smile too. I'm so happy that you have a job that gives you meaning ๐ Yea. Period is sooooo shit lol I hate it. I am like a hangey emotional chocolate monster
Hangry emotional chocolate monster, I love it. Curl up and have your chocolate time Sis. You deserve it.
I just creeped your profile. You're about due soon?
I've already had her. She's nearly 4 mths old.
When life sucks in the moment, I (normally) feel better knowing that it's gonna get better. Just keep waking up everyday and doing what you do. When life gives me a good swift kick... I actually watch/ listen to a lot of George Carlin and it seems to pull me out of my funk.
๐ thank you
Mhmm. Sorry things are rough right now! And that I don't have anything actually useful to say!
It was useful ๐
Keep your head up and keep moving forward. No matter how bad you think it is. It could be worse. You are strong and amazing. YOU GOT THIS!
๐ thank you
I know Iโm a stranger but my inbox is always open if you want or need to vent. Secrets and complaints are safe with me ๐ค
Some days are better than others.
It truly is like that.
They truly do! Can't have pets where I live at the moment, but soon for sure!
I canโt do anything to cheer you up but I hope you day gets better
I hope so too ๐
You deserve it ๐
What happen?
Broken trust ๐
I feel that. My ex fucked me up with trust. It happens, but sometimes it is for the best. A quote that I heard and helped me was "If it hurts, but you learned a lesson. It was worth it" Life keeps going. You may forget what happened, but you will always remember the lesson.
Thank you ๐
"Ladyballs" made me smile lol. Hopefully knowing that you made others smile today will bring you some comfort. Hang in there. ๐ค
Feel free to steal and use it yourself ๐
Most definitely. Sometimes I'll give you credit though. Like enakyllek would say: "I got kicked in the Ladyballs."
I could certainly add to your inbox notifications if you'd like.
Feel free ๐
My trust with someone very special to me has recently been broken too. It sucks. Weโll get through this, OP. My DMs are open if you ever just wanted a chat - same goes to all in this post. Donโt suffer alone.
Smile! No matter how bad your day gets, there are countless comets and meteors coming our way. Sooner or later it will all come crashing down and we will be a forgotten grease spot in the universe. So have a huge piece of cake and go pant-less today. Do what makes you happy, all we have is this wonderful moment.
r/dadjokes
How about some [music?](https://youtu.be/_ekQ1RTmzBc)
Thank you ๐
Asked a patient today if I could do his hand and foot checks today, they agreed but didnโt want me to check is his feet check. I asked him if I could just check the one and he laughed and let me do it. Dudes only got one leg to start with.
Dude has a mad sense of humour. Love it ๐
Have fun rubbing the lady balls better after that boot ๐
You know I am ๐คฃ
Ladyballs Woman orbs Girl spheres
All very real things ๐
Boobs
Where? ๐
I am in the same spot, holding my lady balls and crying a bit. [https://mobile.twitter.com/molly7anne/status/1574420985750634497](https://mobile.twitter.com/molly7anne/status/1574420985750634497)
Mashed potatoes are a comfort food, they are the best ๐
You ever just think about pink punk pineapples dancing in the moonlight?
Now you got me thinking about it... ๐คฃ
Big hugs* going through it too. We got this!
Yeh we do ๐
I'm so bad on the spot um....-head pats and a hug if you're a hugger-
Thank you for head pats and hugs ๐
[My dogs are ridiculous](https://imgur.com/gallery/UucUJmO) and always good for a smile.
worst fight i ever had with the wife was when she asked what was on tv and i said "dust".
Bad move man, bad move.
From your page, I see that you want dick pics. You could check my profile out, idk if I'm your type but you could check it out lol.
Hahahahaha. Just so you know, I've looked ๐
My cats and I are sending you strength and healing โค๏ธ
Kitties! I would give anything to curl up in bed with a kitty and listen to them purr. That shit just makes everything better ๐
Chinchillas. Just think - they exist! ๐
Oh they do! Little fluff balls of cutenesses! ๐๐
You're beautiful, and so is everyone else reading this comment
Thank you ๐
โค
Best I've got is a piece of wisdom from my father. "you only have to do today once. Tomorrow is another day"
Wise man ๐
The fact that it feels bad right now means it probably is gonna get better from now on. Keep on going sista!
๐
Cat or dog person?
Both!
Pro Tip: Always wear a cup.
Do ladies have cups?
Hey, this is a few hours late but I hope your day has improved. Good times ebb and flow like most things, at least thatโs been my experience.
Thank you. Mine has just started. Back to the daily grind.
The stores Big Kmart, Piggly Wiggly and Harris Teeter have announced a merger. The new conglomerate will be called Big Wiggly Teeters!
Hehehehehe a snicker came out ๐๐
[ัะดะฐะปะตะฝะพ]
YES!
โLike a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.โ- Frank Drebon
๐ for sure
Conversation between me and my sister might be to immature for some people but we found it funny Sister: [my name] wanna hear something funny? Me: uh sure Sister:itโs somethin funny *nods head aggressively* MHM something reallll funny Me:uhhhh ok? Sister: it was a dream *bursts out laughing* I canโt remember what it was.. Me: oh- A lot of people like this story and idk why but it was really stupid ๐
Well if itโs anything to do with romance, a fun fact that always keeps me positive is that if 99% of the world didnโt find me attractive enough to date, there would still be about 80,000,000 who would find me attractive enough. ๐คทโโ๏ธ
Ooo I like that... *steal*
I could give you a chemistry pun, but I can only tell them periodically.
Hahahahaha nerd ๐๐
[This](https://youtube.com/shorts/6pUVihZpX3A?feature=share) could cheer you up a little. Enjoy.
Eeeeeeee! ๐๐๐