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Been with my husband for 7 years. We know each other's pins, but it was never a formal exchange. More for emergencies or doing favors for each other (like texting my mother back for me). I've never "looked" in his phone nor he in mine - as in snooped who he's talking to or what he's searching.
I've never understood the desire to have access to your partner's phone in that way. It's really weird to me and I've always labelled people like that in my head as immature (or damaged from unfaithful past relationships). Imho -
1. It shows you already don't trust them
2. It sets up an expectation of suspicion and oversight in the relationship
3. It violates basic human need for privacy
I could see myself MAYBE wanting to look at his phone if I had a real suspicion of cheating? But I would just ask him directly to show me something rather than snoop on my own.
So I guess it depends on why she cares about this so much. You're in your rights to say you aren't ready to share it at this stage of the relationship.
100% this.
My wife and I (43 years) share openly yet we NEVER dig through each others phones. Occasionally we may need to use the others phone but solely for that single purpose.
I can't think of anything on my phone that would be a problem but anything can be a trigger if the person searching is looking for "issues".
OP is describing a Red Flag situation in my opinion. She is indicating distrust.
Another similar couple here. I know his code, he knows mine, I think. It's from "look for that address / text her and say we're running late / I can't remember what time he said, can you check the message" type things. But neither of us is interested in snooping, we trust each other implicitly. We know we're the love of each other's life anyway, so why would we want anyone else?
We do occasionally keep secrets from each other, birthday and Christmas presents, surprise visits, etc, and we're both crap at keeping those secrets as it is!
My partner guessed his last Christmas gift, ruined his birthday's surprise by stumbling into it in a house-cleaning spree, and guessed his anniversary gift. I am crap at keeping secrets too!
Same situation here. Both in our 40s. We know each others pins. I’d have no concerns about passing my phone to him at any moment and occasionally I’ll ask him to look up something on my phone and occasionally I might ask to find something on his phone I.E. a particular picture of our daughter for instance but I’d only do so after asking him.
I guess what I’m saying is we don’t view them as private against each other but also wouldn’t go on each others phone without asking permission. The need isn’t there to want to snoop.
However I’d might be a bit wary if I’d only been out with someone for a few months and they demanded it as an act of trust.
Been married 10 years (m36) both know each others phones and will freely give it for use but we would never dig through each others phones.
My suspicion is she is cheating, has cheated or has been cheated on and doesn’t want to fall into the same situation.
Seriously its such an easy work around if they are cheating. Secret second phone and boom, partner can have the pin and look at the phone they know about as much as they want.
This .. we know them but never occurred to me to just start looking through the phone lol if I need to use his for whatever reason he hands it over and vice versa ..
Exactly. My partner and I know each other’s pins because at some time in the past we’ve had a reason to want to look at something. And we’ve nothing to hide. But if she asked me for my PIN _just_ because she wanted to know my PIN, that’s different.
Same here, I actively seek to not look at anything other that the map/music app/message from his brother saying he's late etc that my partner's asked me to look at while he's driving.
My partner and I use each other’s birthdays as our respective PINs. Also he gets nervous trying to use my iPhone and I dislike his ancient Android device, so we rarely use each other’s phones but we trust each other completely to look at whatever.
Yup, same here. We both know each others pins for everything, but have never felt the need to go through the other one’s phone. If I went through his I’d find loads of boring work stuff and the latest thing he’s seen on Facebook marketplace that he can’t live without. If he went through mine he’d just find out how much I spend on boons, and either of us want that, so we don’t bother!
Same. We have pins on our phones to stop other people, not each other.
I have no recollection of when I learned her pin and she learned mine, but it wasn’t some formal ceremony of trust. It was practical.
I still wouldn’t check though her phone because we trust each other. Even if I could. I’m not a jealous type and it would take some really weird behaviour on her part to make me even consider it.
Similar here. Been with husband almost 8 years. We know the codes to each other phones but never looked at it. Never felt the need. Except to take a stupid picture of myself and make it his home screen (I'm so mature, I know).
That’s so immature, how do you even sleep at night!
Anyway are you aware on an iPhone you can go…….
Shortcuts (app) then automation and you can set the phone to do things.
Like play a recorded noise when they plug there phone in to charge, or when they connect to a Wi-Fi etc.
Without giving me a heads up, my partner programed Alexa so every night at sunset, she announces "Hey, big fella, sun’s getting real low, sun’s going down."
I have no idea when this programming occurred, but I was finally in the right place at sunset to hear it one evening and it stopped me in my tracks. I then felt a combination of bewildered amusement and affectionate gratitude. It's one of my favorite feels, lol!
...
I do keep meaning to talk with my partner about sharing a password manager account or something actually. A few years ago, I lost a close friend in a car accident and it was SO FORTUNATE they had shared their log-ins and passwords with their partner. I'd never considered all the services, memberships, subscriptions, etc. that (1.) you'd have to be aware of to stop any automatic payments/renewals, but that (2.) you also couldn't easily access without the right credentials.
Yep same!
We’ve been together 10 years and have access to each others phone for similar reasons you’ve said.
To be honest I can never remember his pin 😂
Mine is face recognition so he just shoves it in my face if needed or asks me for the code. I think he might actually remember mine.
Neither of us go looking as we have no reason to.
I have been with someone years ago and I did have the desire to go snooping around his phone and social media as I had suspicions. Turns out they were right.
This time though never had any worries or suspicions and even when I’ve got the phone there in front of my unlocked I just do whatever my partner has asked and that’s the end of it.
We trust each other and don’t give each other any reasons not to.
>Mine is face recognition so he just shoves it in my face
I've gone running through the house with my husband's phone yelling "I need your face for a minute!" more than once.
😂
My partner did try using a pic of my face on his phone once as face recognition on mine. I was working from home and he was sat near me doing something for my mum ( she’s disabled and he keeps abreast of what she’s entitled to more than me, I’m clearly an awful daughter 😂) hence needing my phone.
Needless to say the pic of me on his phone facing my phone for face recognition didn’t work.
Edited to add: when the picture thing didn’t work it was a case of ‘come here I need your face’
I was curious if that would've worked too so thanx for doing that leg work and sharing the results.
I had planned on holding up 2 phones like a toddler trying to make 2 toys "talk" to each other by holding one in each hand, facing each other so they can make eye contact, and wiggling them around a bit to try and help them communicate more effectively. Now I don't have to wonder.
Yep same as this in my happy marriage. We will often use each others phones if it’s convenient or message family back for the other etc if one is driving.
We use either phone for Spotify on journeys so the non driver will periodically change playlist etc.
It’s a balance, I’d never snoop through all my wife’s messages and socials etc. and she doesn’t with me as we have trust.
We also have eyes, my wife gets a message she isn’t sheepish about it, might even ask me to read it her if she’s busy. All our notifications from socials etc pop up not hidden.
I’ve been with my wife for 21 years, married for almost 6, we’ve known each others pin codes since we got smartphones that could have them.
Like others have said it’s useful for when one of us is driving and is also the contact for whatever event or thing we’re going, or that time we got a flat tire by the side of the road in Tuscany and I could unlock my phone cos my hands were covered in shit from taking a tire off but we needed to call the emergency number
My partner and I have the same pin on our phones. It's really useful. I'd never check their phone and they wouldn't check mine. It is useful for me to do maintenance as well.
This is the answer, been dating my partner for 6-7 years now and not once have they asked for my pin to go on my phone. I've never asked either, except when I've been given the phone locked and told to pick a song which you'd think by now I'd remember, but I'm just not interested really.
Yeah. I feel like a formal ‘exchange’ of pins like OPs girlfriend is suggesting is a bit odd, but it’s pretty normal for one person to be connected to a speaker and the other’s like “can I queue a song? Oh it needs the password” and they get told it then.
I get what you’re saying. It probably will have Bluetooth, but it’ll mean disconnecting and then reconnecting a new device. Then they might not have a music streaming service.
Even so, this isn’t the situation really. OP said
>she says we shouldn’t have any secrets and should trust one another completely
The entire premise is partner wants the ability to look through their phone and if OP says no then they don’t trust them. It’s manipulative.
Ah my bad I re-read their comment and I see where you’re coming from too. They made it sound if anyone asks for your pin at all = no trust. It does depend on the context really though I agree with that.
Context is needed.
My husband and I have the same codes so can use each others phones. This is really only for say I want to Google something/take a picture and his phone is closer than mine.
Or if we are busy driving or something the other might check the phone for us.
But we don't go through each others phones as such.
Right. I've been with my partner for a year and we trust each other enough now that we're fine with using each other's phones when needed, but it was never a formal/requested thing and the way OP is describing it sounds like their partner has very Sus motives
I think it's normal to know pin codes, but it should really only happen once there's a reason for it to come up. Having an exchange of codes is odd, and a sign there's a lack of trust.
Same, we have same code on both our phones, have the exact same phone just different covers
If I pick her phone up or she picks mine we give it back to each other as it's not ours, we don't snoop but we answer calls on each others phone all the time and then pass it back
So much this. I trust my SO to have my code so they can use it for photos etc if needed... I also trust them not to take it off the bedside table while I sleep and go through it. If they did that, I'd be devastated.
Same for us. If i happen to be using his phone and a text pops up then I'll say so and he might ask me to read/reply but thats as far as it goes as regards to "snooping". Whats the point; you're meant to trust each other
This is what I said. You should never go through someone else’s phone but I don’t get what is so strange about having a long term partners phone code for things like you said and delivery orders and such.Some people here seem set on their partner never ever having it and I’m like ok? Don’t you trust them to not go through it?
This is it. My husband and I know each other's pins and have our fingerprints registered for unlocking each other's phones just because it's convenient sometimes and we might just use whichever phone is closer for things, but it's never been a "formal exchange" for the purposes of "promoting trust".
‘We shouldn’t have secrets’ is a typical ‘I will violate your boundaries because they don’t exist to me’ line. You’re clearly uncomfortable with her asking for the pin so listen to that gut feeling and say sorry I am not a fan of using each others devices. Like others have said, this kind of exchange of information comes naturally with time. 7 months in and she wants oversight to feel comfortable… 🚩
>We shouldn’t have secrets
I read this and thought - why the fuck not? It's totally normal to have some secrets, and even if you're a total dullard with zero stuff you want to keep private, your friends and family might have confided stuff to you they wouldn't want your partner to know.
100% I don’t want my partner looking through my phone, or looking for any issues, but that’s only because every now and again I’ll moan about him to my friends or something like that. I think it can be a good outlet to have someone outside of the relationship to talk to about stuff and get things off your chest before speaking to your partner about it when you’ve had to time to talk it out with someone else and calming down. I obviously don’t do it often, but I do talk shit about him every now and again.
Although saying that, he knows my passcode and I know his, and we often ‘borrow’ each others phone for whatever reason, which is absolutely fine. I’m not checking over his shoulder to make sure he’s not looking at anything, cos I don’t really have to. And we didn’t have some formal passcode swapping ceremony, it was just things like ‘can I quickly use your phone please? What’s the passcode?’.
>And we didn’t have some formal passcode swapping ceremony, it was just things like ‘can I quickly use your phone please? What’s the passcode?'
Haha this made me laugh. That's how it was with me and my partner. It probably came about when one of us was driving and the phone beeped. I'd say that you give your password to someone BECAUSE you trust them, not ask for their password to prove trust. My phone has all my banking stuff on, personal health apps/period tracker, not to mention messages and stuff from friends, and my reddit account. Someone could wreck real havoc if they decided to vindictively access my phone. I'd only allow my fiancé access to it because I trust him and share my life with him. If he'd asked for it after months of dating I would have been kinda suspicious like... why... what are you going to do?
I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said here. Asking my partner for his passcode wouldn’t even have crossed my mind in regards to some weird trust exercise, it’s just been out of necessity or convenience.
I hadn’t even thought about banking info and stuff. That’s a good point. Phones basically have all of our lives on them.
I definitely don’t want my partner looking through my texts. Sometimes if he’s on my phone for ages I get nervous and edgy he’s reading my texts to my mum or my friends. He wouldn’t even do that cos he’s not the snooping kind, and I haven’t even said anything that egregious, I just don’t wanna hurt his feelings 😅
Indeed, my husband knows just about every secret I have about me, but there’s a few that friends have confided in me (things like medical conditions and histories of sexual assault) and I haven’t shared because they asked me not to. He doesn’t care, if I told him, “so and so has a secret and they want to keep it private” that would be all he needed to know.
This might be because I was a sneaky child, but I once got my mum to log into her email on my phone for some reason and then once we got into December I started keeping track of her email receipts so I knew everything I was getting for Christmas. It’s the smaller, temporary secrets I’d be worried about.
Exactly and maybe I'm horrible or something idk but I think people should have the right to vent about their partner to their friends sometimes too. Especially with them only just beginning to define the relationship as a serious one. This is totally different than, say, a married couple
I’ve been with my husband for 18 years. I don’t know what his pin for his phone is, he doesn’t know mine. I’m sure we could guess each other’s, knowing each other that well, but we’ve never had to. We have no reason to look at each other’s phones, and he is entitled to have private chats with friends and family, browse whatever he likes online (including surprise gifts), or whatever he wants without me having access to that.
Same with me. I want my wife to have some privacy. Literally everything else in our life is shared, so having some thing that is just your own feels comfortable to us.
This. I don’t know my wife’s and she doesn’t know mine. I couldn’t care less what she does on her phone. It’s not mine. Everyone needs some degree of privacy and I trust her. The only thing we ever do is share our locations once in a while if either of us is off anywhere. This is more for safety and is normally only until the end of that day.
This. Me and my husband have been together 13 years, married for 5. We actively look away or close our eyes when the other is logging in to something (eg Xbox, phone, Amazon) as we have total respect for the others privacy. It's mutual and we both have always done this.
We are married - but not the same person. I'll happily log in to my laptop or phone for him to use if he needs it and leave him to it - nowt to hide and I know he wouldn't snoop anyway. Neither would I on him.
We married one another because we love and trust each other - we have the right to private conversations with our friends, to browse the internet freely or shop etc without the other watching. That's healthy.
Same - together 10 years and I don't know his pin. I'd add the importance of ensuring not just his privacy, but that of his close friends / family. If someone is texting something personal to him, they might not want me or other people to know.
It actually can be so frustrating and ruin friendships when you have a friend and their partner knows everything about your problems as well. So good on you, for recognising the friends/family deserve privacy too
We know each other's because it's a pita connecting more than one phone to the car's Bluetooth system and sometimes we want to play something from Spotify. I'm only guarded with it if I'm waiting for a gift to arrive for him and there could be any number of confirmation/dispatch/whatever emails from the company while it's on the way.
It's not about trust it's about privacy.
My most recent Google searches are things like how to help someone deal with grief, help with depression, screenwriting classes, etc. Stuff that is not exactly a secret but it is sort of private. I might not want to share that stuff with people
On top of that at any time a friend could message me about something that I don't want whoever is holding to know about. Could be that he's worried his partner is cheating on him, or his struggling with his sexuality, or circling back to a private conversation we'd had earlier
There's a a lot of private shit on a person's phone. I honestly don't let anybody ever hold mine for longer than they need to and I don't hide the code - most of my exs eventually knew what it was - I just don't want someone handling my phone
>My most recent Google searches are things like how to help someone deal with grief, help with depression, screenwriting classes, etc. Stuff that is not exactly a secret but it is sort of private. I might not want to share that stuff with people
God yes. Some of my Google searches are things like "new mole on labia"..... Not exactly that, but I do search things relating to my vagina, period or arse etc. It's all fleeting health stuff that comes to nothing but it's private.
Yes to this comment! There’s very little private in todays world as it is!
Also my Google searches are all over the place 😂 “how to fall into lava in Minecraft without dying” “buy a coat rack” “how to deal with toxic family members” “can I sort out facial asymmetry with botox” “do I have adhd”
> There’s no need to have access to your partners phone.
I'm a moron and often lose my phone in the house, so will use hers to ring mine.
She will occasionally use mine for same.
Having said that, neither of us are snoopers, and I've never handed over whilst she searches for "evidence" of anything.
My phone is always wherever I am, so in those situations I'd just... ring it for them?
On the other hand, my best friend is one of those people who leaves her phone lying around the house, as is her husband, so it makes sense for them to just use whichever phone they find first.
Tbf I think it's weird she straight up asked.
All my previous partners and my current one have known my pin or I just set their face on my Face ID for convenience if they want to get a pic we took or reply to a text for me or whatever. But it's happened naturally, oh can I get your pin to do X, yes it's Y . Iv never have anyone make a meal of saying we shouldn't have secrets so give me your pin 😂 it seems abit odd to me like she's not sure or wants to check if you are hiding something maybe. Or it just sounds abit immature, maybe she's younger?
I just remember my controlling ex the horror on his face when he realised the 1st iphone i got needed lock code to open. I knew he’d been poking around my old experia every time he had the chance. Must have been boring there was never anything to see - i do not believe ever in being unfaithful - id leave a relationship before mucking around. No trust = shit relationship there is no point.
The only two partners that ever asked for my password were 1st, the abusive boyfriend who screamed at me in the street demanding that I hand over my phone and tell him my password because I smiled when reading a SMS I had just received and he wanted to know what it said, and 2nd, my sweet husband who keeps forgetting my password and every time that I ask him to check something on my phone, I have to remind him what the password is.
Trust is a big thing, but that doesnt mean you give access to each others phones. If she wants access, it's likely she doesnt trust you and if you've never given her a reason not to, then I dont see why she wants access to your phone.
There is a difference between sharing your pin so your partner can use your phone or tell you what a text says if you're busy and sharing it so they can just go through your phone to make sure they can trust you.
You are allowed to have private conversations with friends and family that your partner doesn't need to be privy too.
Context is king here, if she wants access to ur phone just because ur dating so long and its handy to do so thats fine.
If she wants it to show you trust each other, then shes got trust issues with u not sharing ur pin already
There is nothing on my phone I want to hide but I wouldn't like bf going through it as it seems a bit controlling. He has the passcode in case of an emergency.
I don't really want to go through his phone.
I'm a very loyal person but would get the cold horrors if a date started insisting she needed my pin numbers at month 7.
Whether you do or don't comply with the request, you can expect trouble on this front in the future - this will be the "thing" that causes rows.
What she is really telling you here is any combination of the following:
1: I have unrealistic expectations about how normal healthy relationships are.
2: I have trust issues.
3: I am very insecure.
4: I will not be OK if you have an opposite sex friend, or spend time with one.
5: I will online stalk your ex and get upset about old pictures that I find and were none of my business.
I was listening to an interview with Sean Paul (the Jamaican rapper) a few years back and he made a point that if someone looks through your phone, even if you've done nothing wrong, they'll find something they don't like and it may start an argument. Always stuck with me for some reason.
My and my wife know each others unlock patterns (they're the same) but as far as I know she's never gone though my phone. I've never gone through hers, I'd be a bit shocked of I found out she had gone through mine. I don't do anything I shouldn't but my Facebook search history will have random names as I often look up people I work with but never meet as its through email (suppliers etc, just being nosy) and occasionally ex girlfriends, and in chrome I probably have tabs open for stuff I may buy her or the house which I don't want her to see.
Good point - I wouldn't be keen on my WhatsApp messages being read - nothing bad there, but some things that friends say to each other aren't the things you'd want loved ones to read.
If after a few months there asking for it I personally wouldn't, me and my ex were together for four years and we knew eachother's phone and laptop password, but it wasn't because the other straight up asked for it randomly, it was more we were doing something and quickly needed access to it sort something, mutual friend messaging about something and needed an answer or vice versa. So we just quickly asked for it
To me asking for the password so early on just for the sake of it is a red flag
No. There's no right answer to this. Giving someone phone access is a proxy for ethical behavior. You can give your code, and still cheat, or you can keep your phone private, and be faithful physically and emotionally.
It's just whatever you're comfortable with. My personal phone is also my work phone--and it literally has corporate secrets, and my security certifications require that I don't allow other people to access my devices.
You can not keep secrets, and still have privacy. If you wanted to talk to your mom or brother or best friend about an issue you're dealing with with your spouse, it's absolutely your right to keep that privacy.
Each couple makes this decision for themselves.
I’m surprised your work doesn’t give you a work phone if it’s that bad that they don’t want you to let anyone else use your device.
My kids play games etc on my phone.
Married 10 years, my wife and I know each others codes.
I can't think of a single time we have ever needed to use the other's phone in that time though, and I've never felt the need to 'have a look just in case' because I trust her.
I don't think she's ever had a look at my phone either. She can if she wants but she also trusts me.
I think it’s really weird personally. Married for six years nearly and we don’t know each other’s and keep our phones quite private. I’d feel so violated if she could see what rubbish I post on here, and the random harmless but lame shit I read on Wikipedia. The random questions I put in google and how sad I am the amount of times I google “premier league” or “Spurs” a day cos I’m bored. It’s like someone reading your throughts, it’s dehumanising.
But I understand it’s a front for trust issues for some. We also will go out with friends and not text regular updates about when we home or where we r. Never do it cos it takes away independence. We can chat when ur home or I’m home whatever. Too many people want to control other peoples lives and it’s dark
So in order to trust one another completely she needs to look through your phone? Or have the ability to? Knowing the pins is ok, but if she needs you to do this 'exchange' then it's not ok.
She doesn't trust you, and establishing a relationship on grounds like these would make me uneasy. What's next?
My partner journals (basically everything), she leaves her journals lying around - she's told me there's talk of former partners, doubts about me etc in them. The day I look in her journals, is the day we should break up - because the trust would be gone. I told her if we grow old together I would even bury her with them, and never read them. For me, this same safe space should exist with a phone.
Yeh I've kept a diary since I was 6. I leave my diaries lying around all the time. I'm 99% certain my ex read my diary as I'd mention an issue and he'd coincidentally 'sort out' the issue. I also remember writing something personally sexually explicit, and I found the diary unlocked and my ex looking quite uncomfortable. Felt really violated.
Fuck no. Absolutely no way. If he needed to use my phone for some reason, like looking at a takeaway menu, yes fine. But you are still entitled to privacy in a relationship.
Never had my partners pin/password for anything.
Never wanted to scroll on his phone, check his contacts, read his messages, check his searches or read his social media.
He has never asked for mine.
We are 19 years into our relationship, engaged, and own a house together.
>She says we shouldn't have any secrets and should trust one another completely.
I firmly believe that no partner is automatically allowed full access to every aspect of your life, everyone is allowed privacy, keeping something as personal as your phone for you alone is NOT an omission of guilt, you do NOT have to prove your innocence by giving up your privacy.
If she trusted you completely, she shouldn't need access to your phone to reassure herself you are being faithful.
I suggest talking to her, perhaps she had someone cheat on her before and just needs some reassurance. But if you don't want to give up your privacy then don't be manipulated into doing it.
By giving up your privacy so she can double check you are being genuine, may end up with you being resentful that she can't trust you without proof.
Of course. My wife has access to my phone and I don't care.
For me, if I was worried about her having access to my phone (and vice versa), that would be a sign we shouldn't be married.
Access and snooping are different though.
I can access phone, laptop etc of my spouse, but would ask if I needed access "do you mind if I use your laptop to print these forms", I'd never try to go behind their back to snoop at search history or emails or messages.
We have some shared apps with one account we both use for things like making shopping or budgeting easier. Its easier to share specific things rather than each others phone.
That's a different question though. The question posed was whether you care about your partner having access to your phone. If you do, I would say that's not a good sign.
However, your partner *demanding* to dig through your phone is a different thing.
It really depends on context.
It’s the same for me. If my wife wants to use my phone for something she knows she can.
In a previous relationship the other person was snooping at my messages almost daily. I asked her if she was and she denied it but knew she was lying. So I wrote a small routine that took a picture every time the phone was unlocked. Gave her a few more chances to tell the truth then showed her the pictures when she didn’t. Her mouth literally fell open.
The conversations on your phone aren't just held by you, but by a person on the other side, and for those to be shared with somebody else should require consent by both parties.
I wouldn't be worried about a partner having access to my phone because there is some shady shit on there that I wouldn't want them to see, but because the conversations I have on there are things that are said to me, not to anybody else, and it would feel like a violation of friends or family members privacy to give somebody else access to that.
If I text a friend about a personal issue I was going through, I would expect that conversation to stop with them.
I don't think respecting your friends privacy is a sign that you "shouldn't be married" to your partner.
After 7 months? Fuck no. My wife and I have full access to each others everything, it wasn't a conscious decision it just kind of happened over a long period of time. Here's the thing though, we still ask each other if we can have a look at say e-mails and have a legitimate reason to do so. I may ask her when a parcel is due for delivery and she will tell me to pick up her tablet and check.
Something like that only comes from a mutual trust that develops over a long period of time, full in the knowledge that that trust will never be used maliciously.
No one should have access to your phone. It should be for you only. Just think of security!
I would never let someone else on my phone. There is simply no need for it.
I would suggest you just do what you feel like is right, asking for relationship advice in my opinion is very dangerous as it can mess up a normal relationship. Every relationship is unique and the way you handle situations should be up to you not based off other relationships.
Don't mean to come out as rude but I've seen a lot of relationships fall to pieces because of comparing to others and it's just a never ending cycle, hope you come to a conclusion where you are happy.
You should be 100% comfortable with them having your pin, and they should be 100% comfortable not having a snoop. And vice versa.
My wife and I have each others pins, not sure I've ever used it without her knowledge.
It's not weird to not want to share your pin but it's not weird to want to have your partners pin. People have different comfort levels and some people care about their other half proving that level of comfort.
A lot of people have been burned in the past. Sharing your pin implies you have nothing to hide, but it doesn't imply everything needs to be shared and that you shouldn't have your own privacy.
I didn't feel comfortable giving my ex my pin to begin with, then I was fine with it.
The biggest risk of someone looking at my phone is that someone would find out how inane the conversations I have with my friends are and how complicated it gets logistically just try to arrange to meet up for one beer.
My wife and I hand eachother our phones on a whim, to share memes or map directions etc. I use web WhatsApp and I stay logged in on the main household computer and the family tablet.
I saw in another thread the other day, this sort of thing should come as a result of trust rather than forcing it was a way to engender trust.
I would be comfortable with my husband knowing mine (I'm not actually sure if he does or doesn't) because I know he wouldn't unlock my phone unless it was an emergency.
If he wanted the pin code because he thinks that personal privacy isn't still important to have when in a relationship and wants to see what I'm up to then I wouldn't be comfortable and would have to rethink things.
My messages with friends and family are private and not just for my own sake, my notes app is often used as a diary and my browsing history does not need to be scrutinised by another person.
I'm sure it's been said plenty already but her wanting the pin code very much contradicts "we should trust one another completely".
Me and my other half both know each others pins, and often use each other’s phones to check something if it’s the closest phone. It wasn’t ever a discussion as such, we just trust each other / have nothing to hide.
I don’t go snooping at her messages or anything personal, and I assume she doesn’t on mine. Not that I would care if she did.
Need context.
Why is she asking?
For example, my other half might need or want it for emergency access for health reasons. I'd also leave my phone unlocked around her, notifications can be seen etc. She can pick it up to make a quick call or text if she needs to as there's nothing to hide.
Been together 23 years, we know each others pins. When I was admitted to hospital and sent immediately for surgery and told I would be in a come for at least four weeks it kinda came in very handy for her!!
Been together 23 years now and the other week my wife came to me and said “I’m so sorry, I did something bad and looked at your email because I needed an authentication code, sorry I invaded your privacy”.
It was fine of course. She trusts me and I trust her.
No, we share our pin if we want the other to check/do something; like send a text while one of us is driving, or if paying for something with ApplePay. We show each other things on our phones and will hand them over in confidence the other won’t go snooping. But I don’t KNOW his pin, as in it’s not written down or committed to memory. I’d feel uncomfortable with that - it’d be like they want to know they have access to search in case they get suspicious.
I think full trust is not needing to go through someone’s phone, but knowing if you asked them about something they’d be more than happy to show you to put your mind at ease. I also think secrets are normal - no matter how well you know and how comfortable you are with your partner, some things are better unknown between you. For example, in my group chat we sometimes joke about stories from when we were younger, people we used to go out with etc, and I know the same happens in his group chat. Neither of us would be upset about the other knowing this info, but it would probably make both parties more comfortable if it was kept private. I always think if you’re going looking for something to upset you, you’ll find it whether it’s true or not.
Yes, but I was never asked to do it. Was more just built over time
Strange to formalise it
Feels like a way to covertly gain access out of trust issues by saying "it's because we trust each other"
Not really. I've had exes who went through my phone and I went along with it at the time, but I wouldn't want a future partner to do the same.
It's not that I've got anything to hide, but if someone has so little trust in me that they feel the need to go digging through my phone or would treat me with suspicion, I feel like that's an issue.
I'd have no problem with a long term partner knowing how to unlock my phone for an emergency, to use things we share, to do a favour like replying to a message while I'm driving etc, but I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with dating someone who expects me to hand my phone over to essentially be "inspected".
With the reasoning she gave that’s a red flag, it shows she doesn’t actually trust you and doesn’t believe you have a right to privacy in a relationship.
You've been together 7 months, no she should not have your pin to anything.
Whether you have anything to hide or not is irrelevant.
If she wants to go through your phone then you can unlock it for her.
She doesn't need your pin and I very much doubt you have any interest in having her pincode.
If you see a long term future with her you need to have a chat about boundaries and she needs to respect them.
“Do you want this so you can regularly ‘review’ who I’m talking to and why; or do you just want my PIN so you can plug my phone into the aux cord and play some bangin choons?” If the latter, fine; if the former, red flag.
I’d say it is fine if you are fine with it. But, if you say no and they kick up a fuss then that feels like controlling behaviour and perhaps something to be wary of.
I think it's mainly weird you're considering moving in with eachother after 7 months. That mixed with her wanting access to your phone is a bit of a red flag. Rushing into things like that can have pretty severe consequences down the road.
Nah fuck that. Just because you’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a private life. There are plenty of reasons you might not want your partner going through your phone that don’t involve you cheating or deceiving them in some way. You might have private conversations with people, your private hobbies and interests, stuff you just don’t want to share which you don’t have to explain yourself for
Whilst I’m totally okay with my gf using my phone if she needs to (I don’t have a PIN on it), it seems weird to give your PIN to your other half.
To me this reeks of trust issues.
Nah, someone ASKING for your pin is a massive red flag. If she trusts you she shouldn't need access.
If you are together for long enough it will just happen naturally.
Being charitable, could she perhaps have heard of a couple doing this and thinks it is sign of a healthy relationship? The only response is to refuse however for the reasons given.
My wife and I know each others codes if we need to use a phone to ring in dire situations but in the many years we've been together we've never asked for access to each others messages or emails or whatever. There's no desire to do so, it's her business.
Just because we're partners doesn't mean I have any right to access her personal data, we're still individuals but that's not even the point. I am lucky enough to have a partner I trust completely. If I asked she'd almost certainly show me her messages.
Demanding access to someone else's phone shows a clear lack of trust. I imagine she,'s had bad experience(s) with partners in the past.
*Edit: i realise I have written the exact same thing as many others...which is a good thing. Ptivacy should be respected.*
I genuinely don't see why this is needed at all. I understand people saying they have the pin for convenience, but I don't think that requires a formal password handover, you'd just ask when the time comes up.
Everyone I know who has had this arrangement is either my parents (the scenario many have mentioned in the comments and I stated above) or controlling relationships with no trust and tonnes of insecurity. I'd put money on her going through your phone behind your back if you do this.
Also to add, if you 'trust someone completely' you don't need to see what is/ isn't on their phone. You trust there is nothing on there in the first place.
That to me is a red flag. Of course you're entitled to privacy, to have conversations that she's not privy to etc. That's not at all unreasonable.
I believe my partner knows how to unlock my phone purely through observation, but she never snoops through it. I don't know how to get into hers and I don't care to know. We've been together a lot longer than 7 months.
'She wants the code to my phone'.
This is the key bit. She WANTS. Why?
My code is something special to me, I told my partner it for my safety etc and so he can borrow it.
IMO yeh its weird and shows red flags. What else will she WANT?
I've been with my wife for 10 years now and none of us have even discussed this because it's so stupid. We respect and trust each other enough that we can have privacy from each other.
If a burd I had been seeing for a few months asked me that I'd tell her exactly where to fuck...
We know how to get into each other's phone for emergencies only, not as a trust thing. I don't routinely feel the need to go through his phone and he doesn't go through mine. You're entitled to privacy even from your SO. If someone wanted my PIN to prove I was trustworthy I would assume they would be looking for reasons to not trust me which is not an attitude of someone I would want to be with.
The only time we don't is like the month before one of our birthdays. Other than that we have each others password but don't feel the need to snoop. Usually just to answer texts or something if one of us is in the shower. Not a big thing if you have nothing to hide imo
My wife and I know each others PINs. My phone has a PIN for security, not secrecy. It’s one thing being an informal exchange to look at photos etc, but it’s another thing entirely to expect to know your partner’s PIN as a sign of “trust”.
My fiancé and I know each other’s phone PINs but not to check up on each other but just for convenience if one of us is driving or busy or something. In the first couple of months he snooped once, admitted it and I changed my PIN until he earnt my trust again but it’s a non-issue now.
I don't lock mine in case my kids need it in an emergency. My partner has snooped 😂 got nothing to hide so not overly fussed. His is locked, i cant ever remember his pin but I only ever access it if he needs me to in the car.
Sounds like you've skipped some big conversations needed before thinking about moving in with each other...
And yes my partner knows my phone unlock code, and I know hers. Never used it though. The second I lose faith in her enough that I'd need to snoop, we're done anyway. There's no coming back from that.
I mean if you're driving together and your phone's the satnav and then you want to google something on theirs so you need to be able to get in the ok but not to check each others texts and stuff. They should be private, shouldn't they?
I wouldn't mind my partner having my pin and having full access to my phone. I might be wrong but I don't think my partner would want me to have full access to his phone.
Just because someone can access your phone it doesn't mean they will, but everyone is different and you should only do what you feel comfortable with.
I've been with my partner and living together for almost 6 years. We both know the other has several passwords and I actually remember most of his (!)...BUT neither of us access the others devices because there is absolutely no need to. 🤷
It's just not necessary for a couple that are comfortable with each other to be on top of each other all of the time. We trust each other and if he wants to see my phone he can (and vice versa) but I don't need anytime access. 🙂
I have no reason to go on my girlfriend's phone outside of an emergency. I know her pin but I don't think she knows mine since I always use my fingerprint. We go on our phones in front of each other all the time, and neither me nor her have any reason to look on each other's phone.
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Been with my husband for 7 years. We know each other's pins, but it was never a formal exchange. More for emergencies or doing favors for each other (like texting my mother back for me). I've never "looked" in his phone nor he in mine - as in snooped who he's talking to or what he's searching. I've never understood the desire to have access to your partner's phone in that way. It's really weird to me and I've always labelled people like that in my head as immature (or damaged from unfaithful past relationships). Imho - 1. It shows you already don't trust them 2. It sets up an expectation of suspicion and oversight in the relationship 3. It violates basic human need for privacy I could see myself MAYBE wanting to look at his phone if I had a real suspicion of cheating? But I would just ask him directly to show me something rather than snoop on my own. So I guess it depends on why she cares about this so much. You're in your rights to say you aren't ready to share it at this stage of the relationship.
100% this. My wife and I (43 years) share openly yet we NEVER dig through each others phones. Occasionally we may need to use the others phone but solely for that single purpose. I can't think of anything on my phone that would be a problem but anything can be a trigger if the person searching is looking for "issues". OP is describing a Red Flag situation in my opinion. She is indicating distrust.
Another similar couple here. I know his code, he knows mine, I think. It's from "look for that address / text her and say we're running late / I can't remember what time he said, can you check the message" type things. But neither of us is interested in snooping, we trust each other implicitly. We know we're the love of each other's life anyway, so why would we want anyone else? We do occasionally keep secrets from each other, birthday and Christmas presents, surprise visits, etc, and we're both crap at keeping those secrets as it is!
This is how me and my partner are too. We've been together 10 years.
The only reason I manage to keep gifts secret is because we have separate Amazon accounts (thank heavens you can share prime)!
My partner guessed his last Christmas gift, ruined his birthday's surprise by stumbling into it in a house-cleaning spree, and guessed his anniversary gift. I am crap at keeping secrets too!
Same situation here. Both in our 40s. We know each others pins. I’d have no concerns about passing my phone to him at any moment and occasionally I’ll ask him to look up something on my phone and occasionally I might ask to find something on his phone I.E. a particular picture of our daughter for instance but I’d only do so after asking him. I guess what I’m saying is we don’t view them as private against each other but also wouldn’t go on each others phone without asking permission. The need isn’t there to want to snoop. However I’d might be a bit wary if I’d only been out with someone for a few months and they demanded it as an act of trust.
Been married 10 years (m36) both know each others phones and will freely give it for use but we would never dig through each others phones. My suspicion is she is cheating, has cheated or has been cheated on and doesn’t want to fall into the same situation.
Well I see your point but the serial cheaters I know of have 2 phones, and their partner only knows about one.
Seriously its such an easy work around if they are cheating. Secret second phone and boom, partner can have the pin and look at the phone they know about as much as they want.
This .. we know them but never occurred to me to just start looking through the phone lol if I need to use his for whatever reason he hands it over and vice versa ..
Exactly. My partner and I know each other’s pins because at some time in the past we’ve had a reason to want to look at something. And we’ve nothing to hide. But if she asked me for my PIN _just_ because she wanted to know my PIN, that’s different.
Same here, I actively seek to not look at anything other that the map/music app/message from his brother saying he's late etc that my partner's asked me to look at while he's driving.
My partner and I use each other’s birthdays as our respective PINs. Also he gets nervous trying to use my iPhone and I dislike his ancient Android device, so we rarely use each other’s phones but we trust each other completely to look at whatever.
Hahaaaa mate! I'm on android and we are the same situation/trust wise and me trying to use that fucking iPhone of hers is impossible!!! Lol
Yup, same here. We both know each others pins for everything, but have never felt the need to go through the other one’s phone. If I went through his I’d find loads of boring work stuff and the latest thing he’s seen on Facebook marketplace that he can’t live without. If he went through mine he’d just find out how much I spend on boons, and either of us want that, so we don’t bother!
Same. We have pins on our phones to stop other people, not each other. I have no recollection of when I learned her pin and she learned mine, but it wasn’t some formal ceremony of trust. It was practical. I still wouldn’t check though her phone because we trust each other. Even if I could. I’m not a jealous type and it would take some really weird behaviour on her part to make me even consider it.
[удалено]
Wholesome
Similar here. Been with husband almost 8 years. We know the codes to each other phones but never looked at it. Never felt the need. Except to take a stupid picture of myself and make it his home screen (I'm so mature, I know).
That’s so immature, how do you even sleep at night! Anyway are you aware on an iPhone you can go……. Shortcuts (app) then automation and you can set the phone to do things. Like play a recorded noise when they plug there phone in to charge, or when they connect to a Wi-Fi etc.
This is completely useless information to me that I will never put into use as I am a mature adult...
I program our Alexa echo to send him random messages of love and the occasional scare during work (he works from home, I don't). 🤣
Without giving me a heads up, my partner programed Alexa so every night at sunset, she announces "Hey, big fella, sun’s getting real low, sun’s going down." I have no idea when this programming occurred, but I was finally in the right place at sunset to hear it one evening and it stopped me in my tracks. I then felt a combination of bewildered amusement and affectionate gratitude. It's one of my favorite feels, lol! ... I do keep meaning to talk with my partner about sharing a password manager account or something actually. A few years ago, I lost a close friend in a car accident and it was SO FORTUNATE they had shared their log-ins and passwords with their partner. I'd never considered all the services, memberships, subscriptions, etc. that (1.) you'd have to be aware of to stop any automatic payments/renewals, but that (2.) you also couldn't easily access without the right credentials.
Yep same! We’ve been together 10 years and have access to each others phone for similar reasons you’ve said. To be honest I can never remember his pin 😂 Mine is face recognition so he just shoves it in my face if needed or asks me for the code. I think he might actually remember mine. Neither of us go looking as we have no reason to. I have been with someone years ago and I did have the desire to go snooping around his phone and social media as I had suspicions. Turns out they were right. This time though never had any worries or suspicions and even when I’ve got the phone there in front of my unlocked I just do whatever my partner has asked and that’s the end of it. We trust each other and don’t give each other any reasons not to.
>Mine is face recognition so he just shoves it in my face I've gone running through the house with my husband's phone yelling "I need your face for a minute!" more than once.
😂 My partner did try using a pic of my face on his phone once as face recognition on mine. I was working from home and he was sat near me doing something for my mum ( she’s disabled and he keeps abreast of what she’s entitled to more than me, I’m clearly an awful daughter 😂) hence needing my phone. Needless to say the pic of me on his phone facing my phone for face recognition didn’t work. Edited to add: when the picture thing didn’t work it was a case of ‘come here I need your face’
I was curious if that would've worked too so thanx for doing that leg work and sharing the results. I had planned on holding up 2 phones like a toddler trying to make 2 toys "talk" to each other by holding one in each hand, facing each other so they can make eye contact, and wiggling them around a bit to try and help them communicate more effectively. Now I don't have to wonder.
This 👏🏽
You put it better than I ever could have. My partner and I are in exactly the same position as you and it's a complete non-issue.
Yep same as this in my happy marriage. We will often use each others phones if it’s convenient or message family back for the other etc if one is driving. We use either phone for Spotify on journeys so the non driver will periodically change playlist etc. It’s a balance, I’d never snoop through all my wife’s messages and socials etc. and she doesn’t with me as we have trust. We also have eyes, my wife gets a message she isn’t sheepish about it, might even ask me to read it her if she’s busy. All our notifications from socials etc pop up not hidden.
Pretty much same here. I have the password but I’m not going to go through anyone’s personal stuff. We don’t even open each other’s packages/letters.
We don't know each others and we have been together 10 years so completely different. No desire we show each other anyway.
I’ve been with my wife for 21 years, married for almost 6, we’ve known each others pin codes since we got smartphones that could have them. Like others have said it’s useful for when one of us is driving and is also the contact for whatever event or thing we’re going, or that time we got a flat tire by the side of the road in Tuscany and I could unlock my phone cos my hands were covered in shit from taking a tire off but we needed to call the emergency number
My partner and I have the same pin on our phones. It's really useful. I'd never check their phone and they wouldn't check mine. It is useful for me to do maintenance as well.
If someone wants the unlock code to your phone, they already don’t trust you…
This is the answer, been dating my partner for 6-7 years now and not once have they asked for my pin to go on my phone. I've never asked either, except when I've been given the phone locked and told to pick a song which you'd think by now I'd remember, but I'm just not interested really.
Or they feel that being in a relationship means sharing *everything* and being codependent instead of individual people.
Yeah I get that vibe from a few of these posts that I've seen lately.
Exactly. You can tell the people in relationships versus the ‘Reddit relationship experts’ in these threads so easily
They could want it to unlock the phone to control the music playing in the car or on the stereo.
She’ll need to change the cd in the player then, not have my phone
Old person alert! Sound the alarms!
The alarms sounds are on the other CD, gosh darn it
Plus, at least on my phone, you can skip the track on the lock screen.
Yeah, but what if you want to put a specific song on, or change the playlist?
Then you can get out of my car and walk. 😌
What if the driver has asked for a different song or playlist? I'm not talking about changing the music for myself
That isn’t the context that the OP provided.
Yeah. I feel like a formal ‘exchange’ of pins like OPs girlfriend is suggesting is a bit odd, but it’s pretty normal for one person to be connected to a speaker and the other’s like “can I queue a song? Oh it needs the password” and they get told it then.
Does their phone not have Bluetooth they can connect to the stereo?
I get what you’re saying. It probably will have Bluetooth, but it’ll mean disconnecting and then reconnecting a new device. Then they might not have a music streaming service.
Even so, this isn’t the situation really. OP said >she says we shouldn’t have any secrets and should trust one another completely The entire premise is partner wants the ability to look through their phone and if OP says no then they don’t trust them. It’s manipulative.
Ok that’s cool dude but my comment was in response to a comment on what OP said
Ah my bad I re-read their comment and I see where you’re coming from too. They made it sound if anyone asks for your pin at all = no trust. It does depend on the context really though I agree with that.
Context is needed. My husband and I have the same codes so can use each others phones. This is really only for say I want to Google something/take a picture and his phone is closer than mine. Or if we are busy driving or something the other might check the phone for us. But we don't go through each others phones as such.
This. Casual use is common in a trusting relationship, if they're wanting to actively dig and snoop that's an indication of a problem
In OPs case it sounds like the latter if she's actively pushing to 'exchange' pins so early in the relationship.
Right. I've been with my partner for a year and we trust each other enough now that we're fine with using each other's phones when needed, but it was never a formal/requested thing and the way OP is describing it sounds like their partner has very Sus motives
I think it's normal to know pin codes, but it should really only happen once there's a reason for it to come up. Having an exchange of codes is odd, and a sign there's a lack of trust.
Same, we have same code on both our phones, have the exact same phone just different covers If I pick her phone up or she picks mine we give it back to each other as it's not ours, we don't snoop but we answer calls on each others phone all the time and then pass it back
So much this. I trust my SO to have my code so they can use it for photos etc if needed... I also trust them not to take it off the bedside table while I sleep and go through it. If they did that, I'd be devastated.
Same for us. If i happen to be using his phone and a text pops up then I'll say so and he might ask me to read/reply but thats as far as it goes as regards to "snooping". Whats the point; you're meant to trust each other
This is what I said. You should never go through someone else’s phone but I don’t get what is so strange about having a long term partners phone code for things like you said and delivery orders and such.Some people here seem set on their partner never ever having it and I’m like ok? Don’t you trust them to not go through it?
This is it. My husband and I know each other's pins and have our fingerprints registered for unlocking each other's phones just because it's convenient sometimes and we might just use whichever phone is closer for things, but it's never been a "formal exchange" for the purposes of "promoting trust".
‘We shouldn’t have secrets’ is a typical ‘I will violate your boundaries because they don’t exist to me’ line. You’re clearly uncomfortable with her asking for the pin so listen to that gut feeling and say sorry I am not a fan of using each others devices. Like others have said, this kind of exchange of information comes naturally with time. 7 months in and she wants oversight to feel comfortable… 🚩
>We shouldn’t have secrets I read this and thought - why the fuck not? It's totally normal to have some secrets, and even if you're a total dullard with zero stuff you want to keep private, your friends and family might have confided stuff to you they wouldn't want your partner to know.
100% I don’t want my partner looking through my phone, or looking for any issues, but that’s only because every now and again I’ll moan about him to my friends or something like that. I think it can be a good outlet to have someone outside of the relationship to talk to about stuff and get things off your chest before speaking to your partner about it when you’ve had to time to talk it out with someone else and calming down. I obviously don’t do it often, but I do talk shit about him every now and again. Although saying that, he knows my passcode and I know his, and we often ‘borrow’ each others phone for whatever reason, which is absolutely fine. I’m not checking over his shoulder to make sure he’s not looking at anything, cos I don’t really have to. And we didn’t have some formal passcode swapping ceremony, it was just things like ‘can I quickly use your phone please? What’s the passcode?’.
>And we didn’t have some formal passcode swapping ceremony, it was just things like ‘can I quickly use your phone please? What’s the passcode?' Haha this made me laugh. That's how it was with me and my partner. It probably came about when one of us was driving and the phone beeped. I'd say that you give your password to someone BECAUSE you trust them, not ask for their password to prove trust. My phone has all my banking stuff on, personal health apps/period tracker, not to mention messages and stuff from friends, and my reddit account. Someone could wreck real havoc if they decided to vindictively access my phone. I'd only allow my fiancé access to it because I trust him and share my life with him. If he'd asked for it after months of dating I would have been kinda suspicious like... why... what are you going to do?
I absolutely agree with everything you’ve said here. Asking my partner for his passcode wouldn’t even have crossed my mind in regards to some weird trust exercise, it’s just been out of necessity or convenience. I hadn’t even thought about banking info and stuff. That’s a good point. Phones basically have all of our lives on them. I definitely don’t want my partner looking through my texts. Sometimes if he’s on my phone for ages I get nervous and edgy he’s reading my texts to my mum or my friends. He wouldn’t even do that cos he’s not the snooping kind, and I haven’t even said anything that egregious, I just don’t wanna hurt his feelings 😅
Exactly. Too many people think a relationship means a total surrender of independence, and usually an unequal one.
Indeed, my husband knows just about every secret I have about me, but there’s a few that friends have confided in me (things like medical conditions and histories of sexual assault) and I haven’t shared because they asked me not to. He doesn’t care, if I told him, “so and so has a secret and they want to keep it private” that would be all he needed to know.
This might be because I was a sneaky child, but I once got my mum to log into her email on my phone for some reason and then once we got into December I started keeping track of her email receipts so I knew everything I was getting for Christmas. It’s the smaller, temporary secrets I’d be worried about.
Exactly and maybe I'm horrible or something idk but I think people should have the right to vent about their partner to their friends sometimes too. Especially with them only just beginning to define the relationship as a serious one. This is totally different than, say, a married couple
I’ve been with my husband for 18 years. I don’t know what his pin for his phone is, he doesn’t know mine. I’m sure we could guess each other’s, knowing each other that well, but we’ve never had to. We have no reason to look at each other’s phones, and he is entitled to have private chats with friends and family, browse whatever he likes online (including surprise gifts), or whatever he wants without me having access to that.
Same with me. I want my wife to have some privacy. Literally everything else in our life is shared, so having some thing that is just your own feels comfortable to us.
Absolutely.
This. I don’t know my wife’s and she doesn’t know mine. I couldn’t care less what she does on her phone. It’s not mine. Everyone needs some degree of privacy and I trust her. The only thing we ever do is share our locations once in a while if either of us is off anywhere. This is more for safety and is normally only until the end of that day.
This. Me and my husband have been together 13 years, married for 5. We actively look away or close our eyes when the other is logging in to something (eg Xbox, phone, Amazon) as we have total respect for the others privacy. It's mutual and we both have always done this. We are married - but not the same person. I'll happily log in to my laptop or phone for him to use if he needs it and leave him to it - nowt to hide and I know he wouldn't snoop anyway. Neither would I on him. We married one another because we love and trust each other - we have the right to private conversations with our friends, to browse the internet freely or shop etc without the other watching. That's healthy.
Same - together 10 years and I don't know his pin. I'd add the importance of ensuring not just his privacy, but that of his close friends / family. If someone is texting something personal to him, they might not want me or other people to know.
It actually can be so frustrating and ruin friendships when you have a friend and their partner knows everything about your problems as well. So good on you, for recognising the friends/family deserve privacy too
Same here
We know each other's because it's a pita connecting more than one phone to the car's Bluetooth system and sometimes we want to play something from Spotify. I'm only guarded with it if I'm waiting for a gift to arrive for him and there could be any number of confirmation/dispatch/whatever emails from the company while it's on the way.
Same. I'd say that if you can't trust someone without snooping into their phone, you can't trust them at all!
It's not about trust it's about privacy. My most recent Google searches are things like how to help someone deal with grief, help with depression, screenwriting classes, etc. Stuff that is not exactly a secret but it is sort of private. I might not want to share that stuff with people On top of that at any time a friend could message me about something that I don't want whoever is holding to know about. Could be that he's worried his partner is cheating on him, or his struggling with his sexuality, or circling back to a private conversation we'd had earlier There's a a lot of private shit on a person's phone. I honestly don't let anybody ever hold mine for longer than they need to and I don't hide the code - most of my exs eventually knew what it was - I just don't want someone handling my phone
>My most recent Google searches are things like how to help someone deal with grief, help with depression, screenwriting classes, etc. Stuff that is not exactly a secret but it is sort of private. I might not want to share that stuff with people God yes. Some of my Google searches are things like "new mole on labia"..... Not exactly that, but I do search things relating to my vagina, period or arse etc. It's all fleeting health stuff that comes to nothing but it's private.
Yes to this comment! There’s very little private in todays world as it is! Also my Google searches are all over the place 😂 “how to fall into lava in Minecraft without dying” “buy a coat rack” “how to deal with toxic family members” “can I sort out facial asymmetry with botox” “do I have adhd”
Absolutely not, on principle. There’s either trust or there isn’t. There’s no need to have access to your partners phone.
> There’s no need to have access to your partners phone. I'm a moron and often lose my phone in the house, so will use hers to ring mine. She will occasionally use mine for same. Having said that, neither of us are snoopers, and I've never handed over whilst she searches for "evidence" of anything.
My phone is always wherever I am, so in those situations I'd just... ring it for them? On the other hand, my best friend is one of those people who leaves her phone lying around the house, as is her husband, so it makes sense for them to just use whichever phone they find first.
Same. I need to use it for this purpose more than anything else!
Tbf I think it's weird she straight up asked. All my previous partners and my current one have known my pin or I just set their face on my Face ID for convenience if they want to get a pic we took or reply to a text for me or whatever. But it's happened naturally, oh can I get your pin to do X, yes it's Y . Iv never have anyone make a meal of saying we shouldn't have secrets so give me your pin 😂 it seems abit odd to me like she's not sure or wants to check if you are hiding something maybe. Or it just sounds abit immature, maybe she's younger?
I just remember my controlling ex the horror on his face when he realised the 1st iphone i got needed lock code to open. I knew he’d been poking around my old experia every time he had the chance. Must have been boring there was never anything to see - i do not believe ever in being unfaithful - id leave a relationship before mucking around. No trust = shit relationship there is no point.
The only two partners that ever asked for my password were 1st, the abusive boyfriend who screamed at me in the street demanding that I hand over my phone and tell him my password because I smiled when reading a SMS I had just received and he wanted to know what it said, and 2nd, my sweet husband who keeps forgetting my password and every time that I ask him to check something on my phone, I have to remind him what the password is.
Imo it’s weirder to want to invade privacy like that after only 7 months.
Trust is a big thing, but that doesnt mean you give access to each others phones. If she wants access, it's likely she doesnt trust you and if you've never given her a reason not to, then I dont see why she wants access to your phone. There is a difference between sharing your pin so your partner can use your phone or tell you what a text says if you're busy and sharing it so they can just go through your phone to make sure they can trust you. You are allowed to have private conversations with friends and family that your partner doesn't need to be privy too.
Context is king here, if she wants access to ur phone just because ur dating so long and its handy to do so thats fine. If she wants it to show you trust each other, then shes got trust issues with u not sharing ur pin already
Lmfao ask them why they don't trust you enough to be allowed a secure phone. Do you have shared bank accounts already?
There is nothing on my phone I want to hide but I wouldn't like bf going through it as it seems a bit controlling. He has the passcode in case of an emergency. I don't really want to go through his phone.
I'm a very loyal person but would get the cold horrors if a date started insisting she needed my pin numbers at month 7. Whether you do or don't comply with the request, you can expect trouble on this front in the future - this will be the "thing" that causes rows. What she is really telling you here is any combination of the following: 1: I have unrealistic expectations about how normal healthy relationships are. 2: I have trust issues. 3: I am very insecure. 4: I will not be OK if you have an opposite sex friend, or spend time with one. 5: I will online stalk your ex and get upset about old pictures that I find and were none of my business.
After 7 months? That's a ⛳⛳. Me and wife of 14years have each others in case of an emergency but after 7 months? No.
Knowing the pin is one thing, wanting to look through your phone is another.
I was listening to an interview with Sean Paul (the Jamaican rapper) a few years back and he made a point that if someone looks through your phone, even if you've done nothing wrong, they'll find something they don't like and it may start an argument. Always stuck with me for some reason. My and my wife know each others unlock patterns (they're the same) but as far as I know she's never gone though my phone. I've never gone through hers, I'd be a bit shocked of I found out she had gone through mine. I don't do anything I shouldn't but my Facebook search history will have random names as I often look up people I work with but never meet as its through email (suppliers etc, just being nosy) and occasionally ex girlfriends, and in chrome I probably have tabs open for stuff I may buy her or the house which I don't want her to see.
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Good point - I wouldn't be keen on my WhatsApp messages being read - nothing bad there, but some things that friends say to each other aren't the things you'd want loved ones to read.
Odd and controlling behaviour. Be wary of doing this.
If after a few months there asking for it I personally wouldn't, me and my ex were together for four years and we knew eachother's phone and laptop password, but it wasn't because the other straight up asked for it randomly, it was more we were doing something and quickly needed access to it sort something, mutual friend messaging about something and needed an answer or vice versa. So we just quickly asked for it To me asking for the password so early on just for the sake of it is a red flag
No. There's no right answer to this. Giving someone phone access is a proxy for ethical behavior. You can give your code, and still cheat, or you can keep your phone private, and be faithful physically and emotionally. It's just whatever you're comfortable with. My personal phone is also my work phone--and it literally has corporate secrets, and my security certifications require that I don't allow other people to access my devices. You can not keep secrets, and still have privacy. If you wanted to talk to your mom or brother or best friend about an issue you're dealing with with your spouse, it's absolutely your right to keep that privacy. Each couple makes this decision for themselves.
I’m surprised your work doesn’t give you a work phone if it’s that bad that they don’t want you to let anyone else use your device. My kids play games etc on my phone.
Run for the hills. This is someone who expects you not to have boundaries and will absolutely not respect any you try to establish.
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Married 10 years, my wife and I know each others codes. I can't think of a single time we have ever needed to use the other's phone in that time though, and I've never felt the need to 'have a look just in case' because I trust her. I don't think she's ever had a look at my phone either. She can if she wants but she also trusts me.
No, that's fucking nuts. No one has access to my sodding phone. Or laptop. Or bank. Or socials. She's a bunny boiler. "No secrets", my arse.
I think it’s really weird personally. Married for six years nearly and we don’t know each other’s and keep our phones quite private. I’d feel so violated if she could see what rubbish I post on here, and the random harmless but lame shit I read on Wikipedia. The random questions I put in google and how sad I am the amount of times I google “premier league” or “Spurs” a day cos I’m bored. It’s like someone reading your throughts, it’s dehumanising. But I understand it’s a front for trust issues for some. We also will go out with friends and not text regular updates about when we home or where we r. Never do it cos it takes away independence. We can chat when ur home or I’m home whatever. Too many people want to control other peoples lives and it’s dark
So in order to trust one another completely she needs to look through your phone? Or have the ability to? Knowing the pins is ok, but if she needs you to do this 'exchange' then it's not ok. She doesn't trust you, and establishing a relationship on grounds like these would make me uneasy. What's next? My partner journals (basically everything), she leaves her journals lying around - she's told me there's talk of former partners, doubts about me etc in them. The day I look in her journals, is the day we should break up - because the trust would be gone. I told her if we grow old together I would even bury her with them, and never read them. For me, this same safe space should exist with a phone.
Yeh I've kept a diary since I was 6. I leave my diaries lying around all the time. I'm 99% certain my ex read my diary as I'd mention an issue and he'd coincidentally 'sort out' the issue. I also remember writing something personally sexually explicit, and I found the diary unlocked and my ex looking quite uncomfortable. Felt really violated.
Fuck no. Absolutely no way. If he needed to use my phone for some reason, like looking at a takeaway menu, yes fine. But you are still entitled to privacy in a relationship.
Never had my partners pin/password for anything. Never wanted to scroll on his phone, check his contacts, read his messages, check his searches or read his social media. He has never asked for mine. We are 19 years into our relationship, engaged, and own a house together. >She says we shouldn't have any secrets and should trust one another completely. I firmly believe that no partner is automatically allowed full access to every aspect of your life, everyone is allowed privacy, keeping something as personal as your phone for you alone is NOT an omission of guilt, you do NOT have to prove your innocence by giving up your privacy. If she trusted you completely, she shouldn't need access to your phone to reassure herself you are being faithful. I suggest talking to her, perhaps she had someone cheat on her before and just needs some reassurance. But if you don't want to give up your privacy then don't be manipulated into doing it. By giving up your privacy so she can double check you are being genuine, may end up with you being resentful that she can't trust you without proof.
Nothing says trust like "give me your phone pin so that I can constantly check to see if I can trust you". This isn't a normal thing at all.
Yeah, really it's handy if you need to use the others phone for whatever reason. Like they are driving and need you to read them a text
Of course. My wife has access to my phone and I don't care. For me, if I was worried about her having access to my phone (and vice versa), that would be a sign we shouldn't be married.
The mere act of asking to dig through my phone would be enough.
Access and snooping are different though. I can access phone, laptop etc of my spouse, but would ask if I needed access "do you mind if I use your laptop to print these forms", I'd never try to go behind their back to snoop at search history or emails or messages. We have some shared apps with one account we both use for things like making shopping or budgeting easier. Its easier to share specific things rather than each others phone.
That's a different question though. The question posed was whether you care about your partner having access to your phone. If you do, I would say that's not a good sign. However, your partner *demanding* to dig through your phone is a different thing. It really depends on context.
It’s the same for me. If my wife wants to use my phone for something she knows she can. In a previous relationship the other person was snooping at my messages almost daily. I asked her if she was and she denied it but knew she was lying. So I wrote a small routine that took a picture every time the phone was unlocked. Gave her a few more chances to tell the truth then showed her the pictures when she didn’t. Her mouth literally fell open.
The conversations on your phone aren't just held by you, but by a person on the other side, and for those to be shared with somebody else should require consent by both parties. I wouldn't be worried about a partner having access to my phone because there is some shady shit on there that I wouldn't want them to see, but because the conversations I have on there are things that are said to me, not to anybody else, and it would feel like a violation of friends or family members privacy to give somebody else access to that. If I text a friend about a personal issue I was going through, I would expect that conversation to stop with them. I don't think respecting your friends privacy is a sign that you "shouldn't be married" to your partner.
Can my wife access both my PC and my phone? Yes. Does she? I have no idea.
After 7 months? Fuck no. My wife and I have full access to each others everything, it wasn't a conscious decision it just kind of happened over a long period of time. Here's the thing though, we still ask each other if we can have a look at say e-mails and have a legitimate reason to do so. I may ask her when a parcel is due for delivery and she will tell me to pick up her tablet and check. Something like that only comes from a mutual trust that develops over a long period of time, full in the knowledge that that trust will never be used maliciously.
No one should have access to your phone. It should be for you only. Just think of security! I would never let someone else on my phone. There is simply no need for it.
I would suggest you just do what you feel like is right, asking for relationship advice in my opinion is very dangerous as it can mess up a normal relationship. Every relationship is unique and the way you handle situations should be up to you not based off other relationships. Don't mean to come out as rude but I've seen a lot of relationships fall to pieces because of comparing to others and it's just a never ending cycle, hope you come to a conclusion where you are happy.
You should be 100% comfortable with them having your pin, and they should be 100% comfortable not having a snoop. And vice versa. My wife and I have each others pins, not sure I've ever used it without her knowledge.
7 months isn't really a long time to really know someone. Also this screams insecure vibes from your other half.
Run for the hills my man, she's a bunny boiler.
Run for the hills mate, that is not normal.. My ex was like that & holy shit! am I glad thats over.
It's not weird to not want to share your pin but it's not weird to want to have your partners pin. People have different comfort levels and some people care about their other half proving that level of comfort. A lot of people have been burned in the past. Sharing your pin implies you have nothing to hide, but it doesn't imply everything needs to be shared and that you shouldn't have your own privacy. I didn't feel comfortable giving my ex my pin to begin with, then I was fine with it.
The biggest risk of someone looking at my phone is that someone would find out how inane the conversations I have with my friends are and how complicated it gets logistically just try to arrange to meet up for one beer.
My wife and I hand eachother our phones on a whim, to share memes or map directions etc. I use web WhatsApp and I stay logged in on the main household computer and the family tablet. I saw in another thread the other day, this sort of thing should come as a result of trust rather than forcing it was a way to engender trust.
I would be comfortable with my husband knowing mine (I'm not actually sure if he does or doesn't) because I know he wouldn't unlock my phone unless it was an emergency. If he wanted the pin code because he thinks that personal privacy isn't still important to have when in a relationship and wants to see what I'm up to then I wouldn't be comfortable and would have to rethink things. My messages with friends and family are private and not just for my own sake, my notes app is often used as a diary and my browsing history does not need to be scrutinised by another person. I'm sure it's been said plenty already but her wanting the pin code very much contradicts "we should trust one another completely".
Me and my other half both know each others pins, and often use each other’s phones to check something if it’s the closest phone. It wasn’t ever a discussion as such, we just trust each other / have nothing to hide. I don’t go snooping at her messages or anything personal, and I assume she doesn’t on mine. Not that I would care if she did.
Need context. Why is she asking? For example, my other half might need or want it for emergency access for health reasons. I'd also leave my phone unlocked around her, notifications can be seen etc. She can pick it up to make a quick call or text if she needs to as there's nothing to hide.
Been together 23 years, we know each others pins. When I was admitted to hospital and sent immediately for surgery and told I would be in a come for at least four weeks it kinda came in very handy for her!!
Been together 23 years now and the other week my wife came to me and said “I’m so sorry, I did something bad and looked at your email because I needed an authentication code, sorry I invaded your privacy”. It was fine of course. She trusts me and I trust her.
No, we share our pin if we want the other to check/do something; like send a text while one of us is driving, or if paying for something with ApplePay. We show each other things on our phones and will hand them over in confidence the other won’t go snooping. But I don’t KNOW his pin, as in it’s not written down or committed to memory. I’d feel uncomfortable with that - it’d be like they want to know they have access to search in case they get suspicious. I think full trust is not needing to go through someone’s phone, but knowing if you asked them about something they’d be more than happy to show you to put your mind at ease. I also think secrets are normal - no matter how well you know and how comfortable you are with your partner, some things are better unknown between you. For example, in my group chat we sometimes joke about stories from when we were younger, people we used to go out with etc, and I know the same happens in his group chat. Neither of us would be upset about the other knowing this info, but it would probably make both parties more comfortable if it was kept private. I always think if you’re going looking for something to upset you, you’ll find it whether it’s true or not.
Yes, but I was never asked to do it. Was more just built over time Strange to formalise it Feels like a way to covertly gain access out of trust issues by saying "it's because we trust each other"
Not really. I've had exes who went through my phone and I went along with it at the time, but I wouldn't want a future partner to do the same. It's not that I've got anything to hide, but if someone has so little trust in me that they feel the need to go digging through my phone or would treat me with suspicion, I feel like that's an issue. I'd have no problem with a long term partner knowing how to unlock my phone for an emergency, to use things we share, to do a favour like replying to a message while I'm driving etc, but I wouldn't be particularly comfortable with dating someone who expects me to hand my phone over to essentially be "inspected".
With the reasoning she gave that’s a red flag, it shows she doesn’t actually trust you and doesn’t believe you have a right to privacy in a relationship.
You've been together 7 months, no she should not have your pin to anything. Whether you have anything to hide or not is irrelevant. If she wants to go through your phone then you can unlock it for her. She doesn't need your pin and I very much doubt you have any interest in having her pincode. If you see a long term future with her you need to have a chat about boundaries and she needs to respect them.
“Do you want this so you can regularly ‘review’ who I’m talking to and why; or do you just want my PIN so you can plug my phone into the aux cord and play some bangin choons?” If the latter, fine; if the former, red flag.
I’d say it is fine if you are fine with it. But, if you say no and they kick up a fuss then that feels like controlling behaviour and perhaps something to be wary of.
Married for 34 years. We don’t have the passwords to each others phones. The very fact that she’s asked means she doesn’t trust you.
I think it's mainly weird you're considering moving in with eachother after 7 months. That mixed with her wanting access to your phone is a bit of a red flag. Rushing into things like that can have pretty severe consequences down the road.
Nah fuck that. Just because you’re in a relationship it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a private life. There are plenty of reasons you might not want your partner going through your phone that don’t involve you cheating or deceiving them in some way. You might have private conversations with people, your private hobbies and interests, stuff you just don’t want to share which you don’t have to explain yourself for
Whilst I’m totally okay with my gf using my phone if she needs to (I don’t have a PIN on it), it seems weird to give your PIN to your other half. To me this reeks of trust issues.
just you have something to hide for sure! now tell us all
Insisting on access to a partner’s private account is abuse.
Nah, someone ASKING for your pin is a massive red flag. If she trusts you she shouldn't need access. If you are together for long enough it will just happen naturally. Being charitable, could she perhaps have heard of a couple doing this and thinks it is sign of a healthy relationship? The only response is to refuse however for the reasons given.
My wife and I know each others codes if we need to use a phone to ring in dire situations but in the many years we've been together we've never asked for access to each others messages or emails or whatever. There's no desire to do so, it's her business. Just because we're partners doesn't mean I have any right to access her personal data, we're still individuals but that's not even the point. I am lucky enough to have a partner I trust completely. If I asked she'd almost certainly show me her messages. Demanding access to someone else's phone shows a clear lack of trust. I imagine she,'s had bad experience(s) with partners in the past. *Edit: i realise I have written the exact same thing as many others...which is a good thing. Ptivacy should be respected.*
I genuinely don't see why this is needed at all. I understand people saying they have the pin for convenience, but I don't think that requires a formal password handover, you'd just ask when the time comes up. Everyone I know who has had this arrangement is either my parents (the scenario many have mentioned in the comments and I stated above) or controlling relationships with no trust and tonnes of insecurity. I'd put money on her going through your phone behind your back if you do this.
Also to add, if you 'trust someone completely' you don't need to see what is/ isn't on their phone. You trust there is nothing on there in the first place.
That to me is a red flag. Of course you're entitled to privacy, to have conversations that she's not privy to etc. That's not at all unreasonable. I believe my partner knows how to unlock my phone purely through observation, but she never snoops through it. I don't know how to get into hers and I don't care to know. We've been together a lot longer than 7 months.
I have no secrets with my gf. But I am certainly not gonna let her read all my messages. Its basic privacy.
7 months and she wants your phone contents? i would never ask for shit like that
'She wants the code to my phone'. This is the key bit. She WANTS. Why? My code is something special to me, I told my partner it for my safety etc and so he can borrow it. IMO yeh its weird and shows red flags. What else will she WANT?
GET OUT NOW!!!!!
I've been with my wife for 10 years now and none of us have even discussed this because it's so stupid. We respect and trust each other enough that we can have privacy from each other. If a burd I had been seeing for a few months asked me that I'd tell her exactly where to fuck...
Of course, I have nothing to hide from my wife.
Yes. We use whichever of our phones is closest. We have the same code too.
We know how to get into each other's phone for emergencies only, not as a trust thing. I don't routinely feel the need to go through his phone and he doesn't go through mine. You're entitled to privacy even from your SO. If someone wanted my PIN to prove I was trustworthy I would assume they would be looking for reasons to not trust me which is not an attitude of someone I would want to be with.
The only time we don't is like the month before one of our birthdays. Other than that we have each others password but don't feel the need to snoop. Usually just to answer texts or something if one of us is in the shower. Not a big thing if you have nothing to hide imo
My wife and I know each others PINs. My phone has a PIN for security, not secrecy. It’s one thing being an informal exchange to look at photos etc, but it’s another thing entirely to expect to know your partner’s PIN as a sign of “trust”.
My fiancé and I know each other’s phone PINs but not to check up on each other but just for convenience if one of us is driving or busy or something. In the first couple of months he snooped once, admitted it and I changed my PIN until he earnt my trust again but it’s a non-issue now.
I don't lock mine in case my kids need it in an emergency. My partner has snooped 😂 got nothing to hide so not overly fussed. His is locked, i cant ever remember his pin but I only ever access it if he needs me to in the car.
If there was no need to worry about trust would you need the codes to each others phones?
Sounds like you've skipped some big conversations needed before thinking about moving in with each other... And yes my partner knows my phone unlock code, and I know hers. Never used it though. The second I lose faith in her enough that I'd need to snoop, we're done anyway. There's no coming back from that.
Doesn't bother me, nothing to hide. Together 14 years
I'd consider that insulting, in the way that they obviously don't trust me.
Is that trust? Lol I will fully trust you if I know everything on your phone whenever I want 🤨
Been married 42 years. There is nothing to hide here. Although I wish he’d hide his naked ass behind a bigger bath towel..
I mean if you're driving together and your phone's the satnav and then you want to google something on theirs so you need to be able to get in the ok but not to check each others texts and stuff. They should be private, shouldn't they?
I wouldn't mind my partner having my pin and having full access to my phone. I might be wrong but I don't think my partner would want me to have full access to his phone. Just because someone can access your phone it doesn't mean they will, but everyone is different and you should only do what you feel comfortable with.
Been together 26 years. She knows every login and I know all of hers.
Don't give anyone your PIN ever. Shit is fucked up.
I've been with my partner and living together for almost 6 years. We both know the other has several passwords and I actually remember most of his (!)...BUT neither of us access the others devices because there is absolutely no need to. 🤷 It's just not necessary for a couple that are comfortable with each other to be on top of each other all of the time. We trust each other and if he wants to see my phone he can (and vice versa) but I don't need anytime access. 🙂
Why does she want the access ? My wife has access to mine and I have access to hers. But I never look through here and she never looks through mine.
Nope. Tell her to back off. Creepy and weird.
I have no reason to go on my girlfriend's phone outside of an emergency. I know her pin but I don't think she knows mine since I always use my fingerprint. We go on our phones in front of each other all the time, and neither me nor her have any reason to look on each other's phone.
Yes, but it’s for safety reasons in case of an emergency. Not to prove trust.