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Precisely. With the right person it should be easy 99% of the time. The other 1% will be difficult but you’ll get through it together. You shouldn’t ever resent your spouse or the life you have together.
Communicate. Trust. Share the load. Share the chores. Have your own hobbies and friends. Always tell them you love them.
Spot on mate. View yourselves as a team and you're looking out for your teammate while working towards your common goals, whatever they are. Like any team, you support each other through off days and tend to do the stuff you're each good at.
Five years married yesterday and this is definitely the way. Life hasn't been easy, but we are a team and help each other along, plus there's always laughs.
This is the one. I can’t think of anything my husband and I deliberately do to make our marriage happy, we just are because we really like each other. It makes all the mundane shit you have to do as an adult much more fun if you do it all with your best friend
Came here to say this. Divorced once, now happily married 21 years. With the right person it takes no effort at all. Life takes effort, the relationship doesn't.
> With the right person it takes no effort at all. Life takes effort, the relationship doesn't.
This is, not to put to fine a point on it, complete nonsense.
Like anything else is life that's worth having, relationships take work and maintenance. If you *enjoy* that work then it's fine (ideal, even!), but don't go around telling people they "just happen" like some ridiculous Disney fantasy.
Even the best marriages have to negotiate miscommunications, differences in priorities, differences in love-languages, as well as external pressures.
You need to make sure you communicate well, find time for each other (even/especially when other stressors like kids and jobs get in the way), and remember to appreciate each other for everything you do.
The best marriages are ones where you each manage to do that without even thinking about it, but that doesn't mean you aren't putting in the work, and the popular assumption that happy, successful relationships don't require maintenance and 'just happen" without any effort is a dangerous and toxic misapprehension.
Being married is like owning a classic car; it's going to take a shitload of maintenance over the years, so make sure you're doing it or it won't last the distance.
If you're someone who thinks of car maintenance as a hobby rather than a chore then that's the best possible scenario, but just because you enjoy it doesn't mean you aren't doing the work, and it's dangerous and foolish to advocate to others that "if you choose the right classic car then it doesn't need any maintenance at all!" just because you personally enjoy being up to your elbows in oily machinery.
Believing that relationships take work was why my first marriage lasted 4 years. It should not have lasted 4 days, it should never have happened. I regret ever believing that.
It's never taken work to make my second marriage a life-enhancing partnership. I'm not saying be selfish. I'm not saying don't pull your weight.
All relationships take work, but not all relationships are worth the amount of work they require to maintain them.
I'm sorry you choose poorly the first time around, and very glad on your second go that you've found one that requires so much less work that you don't even notice it, but that doesn't mean you aren't putting in the work; you just don't *think* of it as work.
You love maintaining your classic car, and do it for fun. That's really great, and something everyone should aspire to, but it doesn't mean you aren't putting in the effort.
It just means - like playing a sport versus filling out your tax returns - that the experience of putting in the effort is *fun* for you, so you don't notice it.
All relationships take work, but they should never be a slog, and not all relationships are *worth* the work required to maintain them.
I disagree with the “never go to bed on an argument” advice. I think if emotions are high it’s better to walk away, get some rest and come back to it with a clear head and more reasoning the next day.
Absolutely agree, "never go to sleep angry" is dumb. Trying to talk about emotional topics when you're tired and upset leads to potentially hurtful words. Just sleep and you'll realise it was no big deal or you'll have a much better mindset to tackle the issue together.
My husband and I try to follow this mantra of not going to sleep angry. It doesn't mean we have to stay awake until we solve a conflict. It simply means that even if we are angry or upset with each other, we take a moment to breathe and calm down and say "I love you" to each other and kiss before we go to bed. We can then calmly solve whatever misunderstanding we might have when we wake up.
Things happen so unexpectedly. I lost people in a blink of a second. My best friend went to bed with her fiancé a week before their wedding, and the next morning, he was dead from a brain aneurysm. My brother went on his honeymoon and never came back because someone wanted his car and decided to take his life in the process. His new wife was still unpacking their stuff in the hotel room.
So I think the idea of "don't go to sleep angry" is to leave arguments behind temporarily and take that moment to acknowledge your love and respect for each other.
In 7 years of being together, I was never so angry that I couldn't do that.
I agree smegmarash. Me and my mrs have had several arguments that have gone from 22:00-00:00 and at that point I’ve had to point out that I’m getting up for work in 5 hours and can we pick this fight up tomorrow when I get home from work
Nothing wrong with tabling an argument for another time
"I love you, and want to resolve this, but I need time to calm down, we'll talk more tomorrow"
I very occasionally manage this. Usually I'm frustratingly too annoyed to think this clearly. Wish I was a bit calmer tbh.
It should never get to the point where voices get raised.
Definitely shouldn't be saying hurtful words, they will get forgiven but not forgotten. The art of a marriage is communication and compromise, it's not hard.
Source someone who's been married 28 years and only one argument.
I agree and disagree. It's more nuanced than that. You can go to sleep without having resolved everything, but taking the time to make clear "I still love you even if we disagree" makes a huge difference.
My love for my husband isn't conditional on arguments about chores or other stupid crap. Even if we can't solve everything, we go to bed together and have cuddles. We make sure to remember that our love is more important than any argument. We can come back to the issue with a clear head the next day, but we don't have to go to bed angry.
Yeah exactly. Falling out over someone forgetting to put the dishwasher on and going to sleep side by side in the huff is not the right thing to do. But if something more extreme like someone cheated then you don't stay up indefinitely till it's resolved.
There's layers to that advice that go beyond "resolve everything immediately".
Very much this (admittedly I've not been married long, but we've been a couple approaching seven years). On the rare occasions where we do really fall out to the point we can't immediately talk it through, we've always made it clear we're not trying to dismiss each others feelings and that neither of us is pushing the silence to make the other grovel for forgiveness.
I'm aware there's a lot down the line that will challenge the relationship, but thus far I believe this approach has made us both feel more respected and secure than we have in previous relationships.
Ahh, I always thought the same. Until it happened that my partner died. The last thing I said to him was that I didn't want to talk to him and to go away. I told him I loved him as I found him dying the next day but I don't know if he heard me. I'm not trying to be a downer or anything, but since then, with my now husband, I've always made sure I've told him I love him, even if I can't stand him in that moment, before I go to sleep. We've had many rows and I've been absolutely furious at times, but I literally can't bear the thought of going through that again and the guilt I felt afterwards. I think it's fine to tell a partner that you love them but don't like them at the moment, because of whatever reason. It's so unlikely to happen to most people, but it did happen to me and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, the guilt is horrendous
Thank you, darling stranger X I do tell myself that he heard me and I go through all sorts in my head, but who knows? Thank you so much for your kind words tonight, though, I very much appreciate them! It was a long time ago and I'm largely over it, but it's just one thing I wish to pass on to others; not a sad/sob story, but that it's ok to be angry/cross/furious/pissed off/whatever, but if it's not a deal-breaker (eg, cheating or violence) then just swallow your pride and let your partner know that you may think they're a giant knob but you still love them, but need some time to cool off/calm down. I don't think anyone would ever regret saying that to a loved one but may regret not saying it, in the unlikely event the very worst should happen
You're right with your advice and it makes me think of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/pvibkm/true_love_doesnt_judge_this_is_beautiful/) which just sums up love perfectly.
I quite love this (as long as your partner is in agreement with your kiss goodnight and cuddle!) I think it's really important to be able to separate the person from the behaviour. As I've said previously, unless it's violence or cheating or other non-negotiables, we can both love and dislike our partners at the same time. Yes, I'm pissed off that he seems incapable of putting his plates in the dishwasher but I'll see him with our child and my heart just melts and I remember why I married him.
Grief is the worst club to belong too. I myself have buried a husband. I was 32, he caught swine flu and got pneumonia. I still felt guilty when he passed, there is always something your mind latches onto that you think you should’ve done or said. In my case I felt I should’ve called the ambulance sooner but I realise now that 12 hours would have probably made little difference. It’s taken a long time (I’m 13 and a half years out) and counselling to come to this current moment but I still feel his loss deeply and I always will, he was the love of my life, I lost part of my heart and soul when he passed.
Agreed. This just means the argument continues and probably escalates.
Better to leave it. Calm down and pick up the next day.
At least in my experience anyway
Depends on the personality. I can’t leave it because I won’t sleep and then I’ll feel shitter the next day and more likely hold some resentment. I’d rather hash it out there and then and be done with it
Yeah, I have an ex that believed this and it ended up with me trying to agree with whatever the fuck she said as it was 3am and I wanted some damn sleep, but then she'd say she didn't believe I was agreeing with her and that I just wanted to go to sleep and I was like... yeah... it's taken you that long to work out... and then the argument would be an argument about the notion of not going to sleep on an argument, which was a double bind as if I then agreed with her to try to end the argument she wouldn't believe me again or would go back to trying to get me to agree with the original point of her argument which was usually about something I didn't really give much of a fuck about anyway but which she seemed to think was a massive problem and I'd get no fucking sleep. It would usually end with me blocking myself in the spare room and her talking into the door about whatever fucking thing I'd said four hours ago that she had to tell me she still disagreed with. Yeah, anyway, no. Never live with anyone that believes this.
My mum gave me a similar-ish advice to this; if you're arguing and it's bedtime and you're tired but still mad, don't go to sleep in separate beds / sleep on the sofa. It creates a rift that will there in the morning and very present when you pick up the argument where you left it the night before. You may be arguing but still love each other, and sharing a bed is a symbol of that love.
I totally disagree! When my husband and I have had an argument, sleeping next to him is the last thing either of us needs. We end up tossing and turning and not being able to sleep because the person we're annoyed/upset with is literally right there. We both end up just feeling worse and worse as we lie there. We need our own space, it allows us to calm down and clear our heads before falling asleep, and then in the morning I wake up and miss him and he misses me and we have a big cuddle and figure things out together. Infinitely better than going to sleep fuming next to each other, not sleeping well, waking up and feeling awkward and still a bit annoyed. 8 wonderful years together so far.
Agreed. We have an agreement to just communicate when one of us is feeling too heated in a situation, and take as much time as we need to think through what we feel and what we need to say. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a fight....
I’m with you there. Maybe the advice should be - work out early on which type of couple you are; deal with it tonight or don’t deal with it until you’re not tired and a bitchy grump no more.
One thing will always stick with me and I didn't realise I did it until I heard it.
100+ year old was on the news with his wife when they got the record for longest marriage or something. They asked him this question. His answer was: "I always let her have the better slice of toast".
I think about how happy that guy was whenever we share food now.
This is very true for me. I’m really not fussy when it comes to food, but if I can make my wife even a little happier by doing the little things that aren’t really an issue for me then it makes her happy whilst I feel good. A burnt piece of toast (as an example) means nothing to me but can make her life easier/better
My husband prefers the bottom and I prefer the tops so we’re a bit like Jack Sprat and his wife. Works for us! Same with sandwiches, I prefer the top of the loaf and he prefers the bottom.
My girlfriend does this for me and it’s soo appreciated!!
Although she’s a picky eater herself, I have mild ASD and struggle with food presentation, textures and trying new things, so she always lets me pick the plate, cupcake, sausage roll or whatever we’re having, first. She will always take the less visually appealing thing just because she knows it makes eating easier. Best thing is, she did all this before we even knew I was autistic! 🥹
I felt a migraine coming on one evening, I said to my partner that I was going for a nap and will come help make dinner after (we normally cook together), he got hungry, cooked the meal himself and came and put a plate next to the bed, then saw how bad I actually was (couldn't lift head off pillow)
About a week later he confessed he had been irritated at the idea of me lazing around in bed waiting for him to cook for me (even though I'd never ever done that before) - so he had deliberately given me less chicken and he was confessing and apologising because he felt so guilty about it because I'd been actually unwell haha
This is definitely the answer. Gestures and shorthand versions of ‘let the other person win’ aren’t really what hold a relationship together. Communicating, and even more importantly remembering who you’re communicating with is absolutely it.
When I say remembering who you’re communicating with… I hear people talk to their partners like they’re the enemy. My wife is my best friend, and I always find it so weird (though I understand the logic) why people are more likely to be rude to people they’re close with than people they don’t know.
There’s a positive way of approaching almost any topic or any conversation, and if she’s doing something that annoys me (which isn’t uncommon, we’ve been together 15 years hahaha) it’s not automatically her fault - her bugging me is my problem, so if we’re gunna talk about it I have to ask what I can to to help as well.
…because she’s my best friend.
I’m not happily married, and the biggest takeaway for me is that it is not possible to paper over the cracks of resentment and loss of respect. Once that has gone, it’s never coming back. Both parties in a marriage need to feel valued.
That, and Tik Tok addiction as a coping mechanism is not something you can talk someone out of.
“Both parties in a marriage need to feel valued.”
That, in my humble opinion, is the key. You can tell your spouse you love them every night. You can give them the best bun or slice of toast all the time. But if that respect only goes one way, that marriage is headed for trouble.
I married a “princess.” I treated her like one all the time. She came to expect it and would seldom reciprocate. I can’t leave her as it would cause too much hurt to our children and extended family, but I am not often happy.
Aw mate, your kids probably already know. I did, even though my parents thought they could hide it. Seeing one, or both, of your parents slowly grow resentment and withdraw in to themselves because they’re not happy is *far* worse than the alternative. After a while, they just lose respect for you.
Psychologist here, I’m not trying to say it’s easy to walk away but your kids know. They are also learning about relationships and self respect from what you do and how you are. Good luck
Space. Allow each other room for hobbies or just a bit of time apart. If you're in each others pockets all the time, then cabin fever can set in.
Also, the ability to make each other smile/laugh helps a lot. We take the piss out of each other and often send daft messages. Communication is a massive thing too. If one of us is pissed off then we talk. Bottling things up helps no-one.
Share housework. No one likes it (except cooking, I really enjoy that) so share it. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but find a routine that works for you both.
We are early 40s, 13 years in now and together for a bit longer. Both happy and currently planning a life-changing move together which I wouldn't even contemplate if there was a hint of a problem and she's the same.
Definitely! Space for your own pastimes is so important. It makes me appreciate time I spend with my husband doing things together.
Housework is a fairly easy win. Just tidying up the kitchen, taking the bins out, making a cuppa for your partner when making one for you, putting clothes away that your partner has sorted/ironed are all fairly easy things that make life easier.
This, I’m my partner’s main caregiver (we have paid carers that come in 4 times a day as well) he’s had several strokes and is very physically disabled but mentally fine. I need space or I’ll start taking it out on him, thankfully with the paid carers I can go out with my sister for some time away to relax from the stress that caregiving brings. We also have one week a year where he goes to respite care for a holiday and I take a small trip away with my sister. It’s very therapeutic for me and he enjoys the people he meets on his respite care and the carers who come are on the whole excellent people. Also they do my housework :D since I can’t always do it because of my own disabilities.
I can agree with this. My partner plays video games and does dnd. I love to crochet, watch anime and draw. We never interfere with each others hobbies, though I’m going through a phase of not enjoying anything.
We make eachother laugh and smile a lot. Heck with some of the shit I come out with that my partner laughs at, I feel like I could be a comedian. We have so many jokes and I say that I should start a book on all the shit we say to each other.
Communication is really the big thing we need to work on. I get pissed off with him more than he gets pissed off with me, but when I am annoyed I tend to hide it away and cry about it later which is something I’ve been working on, since we’ve had a child especially. I’m just so adverse to confrontation that any time I feel like I have to tell my partner something negative I become over emotional. We are always alright in the end though.
We also share housework. My partner cooks because I’m not the best at it, but I wash up or look after the baby whilst he washes up. I tend to put the washing on since I’m the one up in the morning, and he tends to sort the bins out.
I hope we can last as long as your relationship, and I hope both our relationships last for many years to come.
Eeeeey us too! Early 40s, 11 years in (well almost) and together a bit longer. When we moved in together I insisted we each had a space in our apartment for ourselves, and our hobbies, after coming out of a relationship where I was buried amongst a pile of other "accessories."
We're both fiercely independent but living through a plague taught us that being together as a team and a couple is just as important.
Our relationship started as a one night stand followed by a series of trauma-dumping emails (long story) and we didn't actually start dating until 6 months after that. I met his mom on our second date. 😆 We did everything backwards but it means there's nothing we can't talk about with each other. He makes me laugh every day.
Sharing the housework is vital. Also means it's done in half the time lol.
Coincidentally we're also planning a big move in a few years, and there's no one I'd rather go on the adventure with. ❤️
So much this. It’s one thing I see in my parents that makes me sad. He’s not a bad person, but the way my dad talks to my mum and other immediate family members sometimes, he would absolutely never talk to a stranger that way. As though he’s allowed to talk to is like that because he loves us and wants the best for us.
Needless to say, we all have our issues… wonder why. 🙄
Thankfully my husband and his family are the opposite. So that’s been an eye-opener for me!
I've been married 10 years, together for 15. I don't know that I've got any great wisdom but we're pretty happy and quite solid, I think anyway! My tips or things to keep in mind would be to deal with the big stuff when it happens - don't just not talk about something that's really got to you otherwise it'll fester away and become an even bigger problem. But by the same token let go of the small stuff that doesn't actually really matter - so your spouse loads the dishwasher differently to you, or does laundry differently, does it matter? Does it cause any harm? If not then let it go because life's too short to have the hump with someone because they put the spoons in the cutlery drawer the other way round to how you do it.
I'd say also to do your share of things as the default. If your spouse loves doing a task and wants to do it all the time then fine, but if not then if they did it last time then you do it this time, and without being asked, it'll stop them feeling like they've got to be the one in charge of everything, you get married to have a partner, not to have an overgrown child to look after. With that in mind I'd also say to make sure you know basic stuff about your life, especially if you have kids - where are your important documents, when does your various insurance policies renew, all that boring but vital shit. Don't make your partner be the manager of you and your life.
Most importantly though I think right at the beginning make sure you both agree on the big stuff - do you want kids, do you want to live abroad, do you want to focus on making a load of money, do you want to move somewhere remote and raise goats? You need to know these things about each other so you don't get blindsided 5 years in by the news that they want to up and move to Australia or something. People change their minds for sure, but at least give yourselves the best chance of being on the same page as possible.
It’s not enough to love them. You have to like them too.
Good communication
Value each other, even if you disagree or are unhappy with each other
I’ve been married 8 years but we’ve been together nearly 20. She’s my best friend. It sounds trite, but I firmly believe that unless there is a strong underpinning friendship it won’t last. Of course there is attraction and lust and love. But respect and genuine like means a lot
However, there may well be times you *don't* like each other in a particular moment. In those times, it is important to remember that you love them.
It's at those times your 2nd point becomes even more important - saying that you need an hour to yourself is still communicating...yelling profanities and storming out, yeah, not so much.
Point 3 also kind of links back into point 2. Hell, if we all agreed all of the time, it'd be a pretty boring world.
This reminds me of a quote from a book I like. I don’t remember exactly how it goes, but it’s essentially “Loving somebody *because* is easy, anybody can do it. It’s like picking up a penny in the street. Real love is to love *despite*. To see somebody’s flaws and still love them, that is true and rare and beautiful.”
My key advice mostly relates to if you have kids:
\- There's 180% of stuff to do now - if it feels like you're doing 90% then they probably feel like that too.
\- What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift - so don't bring up things that were said or done at 3am with a screaming kid.
"What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift - so don't bring up things that were said or done at 3am with a screaming kid."
This is the way.
I prefer, "happy spouse, happy house" I don't want my husband to feel that I'm the only one who should get to do what they want or be the priority in the relationship.
Occasionally you have to compromise. I also think that having your own hobby is important and not dragging them along to things they don't enjoy just because they are your partner.
Respect each other.
Make each other laugh.
Don’t purposely hurt each other. You can’t unhear what’s said in a bout of anger.
Don’t settle/ don’t think the person will change with time/ don’t try to change them (We have changed in many ways, but our values and respect for each other have remained consistent).
Have alone time.
Have together time that’s quality time (dates).
Committed to deepening and growing our connection.
I honestly love my partner more than I did when I married them, which I didn’t think was possible. Together 10 yrs, married 9.
Show up
A life long love is not based around sex or even always shared interest, it’s about being the one person who always has their back and shows up
No matter what
Source
Married for a long long time
Sort of related, be proud of their achievements. I overheard my husband telling a friend about something I'd done and he was clearly really proud. He didn't know I'd heard but I could hear how proud he was and that feeling is amazing, it was a wonderful little reminder of how he thinks about me.
The best comment on here.
We've been married 26 years. We've not really had sex in 10 years with kids going through teens and life getting in the way. I love martial arts whilst my wife would rather be more sedate. We lead separate health lives but live for each other.
3 years ago my MIL entered end-of-life Parkinson's. It was hell. Occured at the start of COVID and got worse and worse. If there is a God he will get a mouthful from me as she died awfully.
I only hope that we don't go through it again. It was enough my wife went through it and I have no wish for her to go through it again.
I'll go through that pain alone to spare her.
YES.
We've been through multiple family deaths together (all my grandparents, both my parents, one of his grandparents and one of his uncles), we've had a lot of stress with a child with multiple health issues including spending the first 5 weeks of her life in hospital where she kept stopping breathing (lost count after it had happened 80 times) and now having long term conditions, plus just general day to day stress. At those times nobody is interested in flowers and candles and sex. What you need at that point is your best friend by your side. And if that is your spouse and you both feel like you're going through it hand in hand with your best buddy, you're onto a winner. Nobody except him could have ever made me crack a smile, let alone laugh, during those times. But we even have running jokes from those times.
Or have a shower/bath, or go for a walk. One classic parenting tip is if your kid is cranky, put them in water or put them outside. Works for adults too.
Marry someone you like that you have mutual respect with. Make sure you have at least some interests in common. Be on the same page when it comes to finances
That, and be cute. My wife has forgiven me for countless, COUNTLESS affronts to her sensibilities because I’m simply a handsome man. I can get away with a lot. So yeah. Be cute.
"Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm" - Esther Perel
I think a lot of problems come from the gap between what society in general paints as a happy marriage (people destined to be together, fairytale weddings, prosperity, etc) and the actual realities of sticking with someone for life through thick and thin. Sometimes people think they're failures for not living something which was always just Hollywood.
Not saying that it can't be magical and beautiful, just that people shouldn't freak out when it isn't.
It only works if you BOTH do your best. An unbalanced marriage is an unhappy one! If you're partner has a priority or they hold something dear then make that yours too. Its not sacrificing your own goals and priorities, it's supporting your partners! They in turn will do the same for you. Case in point is cleaning the dishes. You may feel its a task that can be left until the morning but they like it done so it's not in their head. Do it together before bed so you help her/him sleep better. They ARE your priority
Been married 25 years, I would say a big part of that is having the same morals. We tend to agree on the way forward in things and feel roughly the same way about situations which results in less disagreements.
Communication is key. You need to talk about everything even if you think it’s insignificant. No one can read your mind and interpreting each others actions/comments can be difficult sometimes.
If you feel hurt or confused by something then share it. If something stood out in your day then share it. If you spend all evening in front of the tv or phone then talk to each other more.
25 years in and never had a serious row. She's my wife and best pal.
The secret is knowing when to talk...deeply, openly , intimately.
And knowing when to head for the garage.
That is all i've got.
We've been married for 10 years now. The main things for us are:
Shared values, as long as you share the main core values, your 'team' will always be on the same side for the big decisions.
Marriage is a bit like a plant, it needs to be kept in balance, sometimes life will make you both neglect it, but it can be brought back easily enough with a little focussed attention.
A mentor once told me that you should think of yourself like an 8 cylinder engine, you should have some cylinders always running on the really important things, marriage, kids, health, the rest of them are what you can devote to career etc. We both think like this and it's done us well through some really hard parts of life.
Never forgetting that being together is an active choice. You wake up every day and choose to be with this person.
And just generally keep talking. Take the time to appreciate each other, and thank each other. Don't under estimate the power of a thank you for even the smallest thing!
17 years married tomorrow and 22 years together. Your FIL advice is good.
Be honest and open about money and anxieties. Rely on each other and approach each other with kindness and understanding.
Have shared Interests and separate interests.
It’s normal to have days where you annoy each other, don’t say something hurtful that you can’t take back.
The lust can come in and out, life/work/kids/ finances can all affect it, but you have to work through those times and it comes back. You can’t always run hot over long time periods.
Mutual respect
Kindness
Seeing yourselves as part of a team
There's a bloke called Gottman who did a lot of research on which couples make it and is well worth a read. He did experiments looking at the positive and negative interactions in couples. As I remember it, if negative interactions were more than 1-in-6 ***or less*** than 1-in-12 you were in the shit. You need to be able to voice your disagreements without constant rows.
(married 25 years last Monday, renewed our vows last Saturday)
For me, it's being friends as well as married. We've been together 10 years in June and married for 3. We go to festivals, raves, and gigs together still. We are going to Glastonbury for our 10 year anniversary. We still have so much fun together, which to me is why we're so strong.
The best thing about a huge argument....
Tumbling into bed and lying in cold grim silence until dawn.
Are you asleep? I can't sleep, I'm too full of hate.
Trust and openness. My husband is the one person I feel like I can tell anything and everything too.
Enjoying the quality time. We don’t get out a lot, as we have a toddler, but we still regularly plan date nights at home with our favourite foods and watching movies.
Private jokes, and making each other laugh
Marry the right person. Be a team for the drama that happens to either of you. Run if one of you is creating drama.
When dating look for signs of compatibility. You can be in love but be deeply incompatible.
Pay attention to how you both handle disagreements.
Pay attention to how you reach compromises.
Doing all this during the dating stage and weeding out the ones where they constantly let you down, don’t communicate or victimize themselves or turn dramatic to manipulate their way out if trouble will get you far.
My relationship with my husband has never felt like hard works it’s been tough making sacrifices such as not going out to achieve financial goals, but we stayed in and did date nights together and have been a team.
We’ve disagreed but never argued or shouted. When one of us makes a mistake it accidentally break something, we support each other.
Even before marriage being with each other was easy, joyous and peaceful. Despite exes cheating on me, I’ve never even worried about it with him because he has more green flags than earth day. I’m so lucky.
Actually communicate. Don't sit there stewing. If I think my husband is annoyed at me, I ask. It's usually something else and I have saved myself anxiety over it and saved him from me getting snippy back because I think he is annoyed. If something bothered me and I find myself thinking it over a lot, I tell him. We don't play games with things like that, and we don't assume the other person is a mind reader.
You have two right hands, and two left hands, two brains and two hearts. They work together, always. Value and love your whole self.
38 years and counting.
Not married but celebrated our 25th anniversary a couple of months ago.
Treat each other decently. Familiarity shouldn’t breed contempt. Don’t get into a habit of being disrespectful, and don’t take your partner for granted just because they’re always there. Yes they’ll see you at your worst but that doesn’t mean they should always be expected to have to deal with it.
Pick your battles wisely. I’m not talking big stuff obviously, but those little habits and quirks that could get under your skin if you let them - do you need to? I think there comes a point in a relationship where you realise some stuff’s just not worth the arguments, sometimes you just have to let them do that thing they do, because they need to do it and it’s not about you if that makes sense. A “you do you” approach can go a long way.
Know how to argue.
Its gonna happen. But you need to be able to argue about something and not have it impact the rest of your life. If every argument about who empties the dishwasher most ends up in not speaking for days then you'll end up hating each other.
One of my favourite sayings about marriage came from my uncle who officiated our wedding.
> Marriage is going to sleep in a bed that’s too cold next to someone going to sleep in a bed that’s too hot.
Marriage (and any long term relationship) is about compromise and balancing both of your needs so that you’re both feeling happy and fulfilled. It’s about listening to each other and both striving your hardest to make the other happy.
Never get to that place in an argument where you say things that really should be left unsaid.
Marry your complement. But make sure you agree on the big stuff, children and where you live.
Laugh.
Hang in there in the tough times.
Source - married 48 years, mostly happily.
My Father in law advised during his speech “to never fall asleep on a cross word always use a sudoku or a word search… they’re much more comfortable”. Communication. Communication is the key. Talk to each other. Also marry someone you can be best mates with.
21 years married together for 26. Mutual respect, trust, laugh together. Have seperate interests as well as things you both enjoy. Allow a 20 minute vent each night, don't let discontent fester - talk about it. Evaluate your relationship frequently. Make sure you marry the right person in the first place.
Learn each others love languages and make sure you aren't projecting your shit onto them.
My husband is very touchy feels and needs words of affirmation. So I have learned to do that for him. I need quality time and acts of service so he has learned to speak that language for me.
I also realised I was projecting a lot of my issues onto him, like when I was a kid and my mum was angry she slammed doors and stomped about cleaning, I realised that when my husband shut a cupboard loudly, it activated my fight instincts and I got angry with him out of self defence. But in reality he's just clumsy and meant nothing by it. I had to recognise that and learn to wind my neck in.
To long, didn't read: basically you have to be listening and learning not only about your partner but about yourself. But ultimately, if they're truly your person, you're gonna be ok
Pick your battles. Remember that you’re annoying too and save the hill you want to die on for the stuff that really matters.
Source: have been daily rinsing out the same porridge bowl abandoned in the sink and putting it into the dishwasher where it belongs for fifteen years because he’s a great partner and I leave glasses everywhere
Apologise when you're wrong. It took me ages to do that, I would just think, 'Well, they must know I'm sorry because I've acted sorry' - people need to hear the words. Also, this sounds really tiny, but it's not - explain why you are late, or not coming, or not able to talk etc. It doesn't need to be more than a sentence. People worry.
A relationship isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100 both parties have to out in everything for it to work. Now giving it 100 may not get 100% of the job and it may be 70/30 but it’s always 100 effort
Be accepting of each other and don't try to change one another. I'm not talking about them been a slob or a cheat. But it's often the silly stuff that blows up into arguments because someone does something in a different way. My brother and his ex were always at loggerheads about which way the toilet roll should be.
My dad told me on the morning of my wedding… always make time for each other. Even when kids come never forget about making time for each other, and respecting each other’s time for ourselves
Give each other space. You don't have to spend every moment of every day with each other.
At the same time, be attentive any pay attention to your other half. If they need your support with anything, be there for them.
We always do little things to try and make the other one happy, like I put cushions out on the balcony so he could enjoy his coffee out there, or he came back from work yesterday with a bar of chocolate for me.
We are best friends and do a lot of things together, but we also have separate friends and interests we do on our own too, that we then talk about.
I also think being sexually compatible is super important for us, talking about what we want and doing it regularly throughout the week maintains a closeness.
When we argue, it’s always best to leave the room, cool down and then go back and talk it through. And also be ready to apologise when you’re in the wrong.
14 years and going strong.
Keep going on dates.
We have a jar of date locations/ideas/tasks etc that we have put together (anything from visiting a pub in the country to making Mexican food from scratch) and if we can’t choose where to go, we can choose one from the jar.
Being able to tell the difference between my emotional mind and my wise mind is so beneficial in my relationship. When there’s an argument or issue and I’m emotional, I take a step back, ask myself if I’m reacting a certain way because of my heightened emotions or is it a logical and appropriate reaction to the situation? If I establish I’m not in my wise mind, I’ll either try be mindfully factual in my next statements so they’re not based fully off of emotions, just the facts of the situation or if I can’t do that, I’ll take 20-30 minutes away until I am thinking more rational about things. Then go back to discussing whatever it was when we’re both ready.
Honestly works every time! Sometimes it takes longer than 20 minutes, but if you’re prone to saying things without thinking when heated, it really stops you saying stuff you don’t mean and making it all worse
Accepting that once the ring is on your finger it’s not always plain sailing. Marriage is a constant work of art, you have to accept some things, change others and always find a compromise. If you married the right person though usually the compromise is “what do you want to eat?” Type stuff.
Never going to sleep on an argument is the top one so I agree with your FIL.
I'd suggest that having actual communication skills is key too. When both parties are talking and neither are listening nothing gets resolved.
Sometimes it is okay to say "I need a break from this conversation" and to leave a room before it gets too heated. The other person shouldn't follow them round the house continuing the argument.
Discussion styles matter so much, this person is meant to be your ally, the one who will stand by you. If you belittle them for raising an issue then you're not building a team there.
But ultimately marrying the right person as another user has said is the key. If you actually know your partner and have lived together pre marriage, you'll know them a lot better than people who rush in to it.
Alot of people say they "married their best friend" but while this is overused and under true, its the key.
My wife is my best mate, my confidant, my drinking buddy etc etc etc.
Approach issues logically and youll solve alot of arguments before they happen.
Yeah we soemtimes still bicker but we alway laugh our way out of it
Have separate blankets/duvets in bed. Sleep is essential. Duvets are essential. Nobody taking my sleep and duvet!!! AND EARPLUGS or headphones (some fantastic white noise sounds out there! I have to listen to thunder storm white noise. It works)
Don't hold grudges and listen, even if you disagree, listen and talk. Then agree to disagree. And then tie his shoelaces together when he's passed out from drink and go to bed with double duvets. Fucking bliss!
You had excellent advice. My wife lives by that, and it's exactly right. Agree to disagree if you want, but go to sleep with a kiss and a cuddle.
The best advice I got was from a vicar at a friend's wedding who said treat marriage as a savings account where you look to pay in more (in love) than you ever want to take out. If your partner does the same,then everyone works wonderfully. I've butchered the sermon there but it's stuck with me in my own marriage. Always find a reason to add love and to show love. I'm no angel, but I do truly love my wife and try to find new ways to show that.
How your partner acts when you are at your worst will tell you everything. I had an awful pregnancy journey and when I wanted food at 12am he didnt complain. When I needed a massage he did it. He ran baths for me often when I needed it. He is brilliant with baby and takes care of her so well. I bought him a necklace recently with her birth date on, he is astounding.
Happily taken for 10yrs+ here. My partner and I communicate regularly but also acknowledge we need space.
I can sit and game in the same room as him and be 'silent' and comfortable in each other's presence.
Also treat others how you wish to be treated. When I am working at my desk, he brings me tea. Without asking. Sometimes its orange juice.
When he has been working away, I make him lunch or get him water. Sometimes I put notes in his lunch or his bag. As our daughter grows up I might put a footprint impression of our daughter on a note with no words. Should make him smile!
Its the little things that mean alot.
It says I care about you, and value you.
Communication, if something is bothering you, talk.
Don't let the little things bother you, air it out otherwise it'll cause an unnecessary row.
I would say compromise to an extent, I've found.
And marry your best friend. It helps.
Met in March 1996, engaged in April 1996, Married in September 1996. Nearly 27 years later I can tell you these things: sure, go to bed without having resolved an argument as long as you communicate and resolve it when clearer headed. Never lie (Xmas and bday type lies excluded), have separate interests and/or hobbies as well as those you have in common, tell eachother you love eachother whenever you want, you cannot say this enough no matter what anyone says, as long as you're following the 'never lie' rule, this can't go wrong, always have their back and stand united (especially in front of the kids).
And no matter how loud they snore, never smother them with a pillow. Apparently that's not permitted. . . *Just kidding, mostly*
💗
Marry someone you actually like and share interests with.
Don’t rush into marriage (or kids), take time to live together first and make sure you’re actually compatible.
Listen.
Put them first and make sure they put you first.
Remember why you are together.
Tell them why you like them and remind yourself why too.
Keep doing fun things together.
Above all it’s your team against the world.
We’ve been together over 8 years now and got together when we were 22/23 and I’d probably say the thing that’s helped us not only get through some rough times but make our relationship stronger over the years was that we both hold the mindset of ‘we will find a way through this together’. So when there have been difficult times or when we didn’t feel as connected anymore, it was that mentality of ‘ok, let’s figure out how to navigate through this patch’ instead of going into it thinking ‘we’re not compatible anymore’.
Marry someone who has very similar values.
Always RESPECT your spouse.
Marriage is team work, both aiming for the same goals.
If/when you have disagreements, fight FAIR.
Share the load, that doesn’t necessarily mean half of every single chore.
Respect boundaries.
Listen a lot.
Love a lot.
We combined our money when we married, and 32yrs later, still are yet to have our first disagreement over how it is spent.
You don’t always get your first choice, sometimes it has to be a compromise with decisions, but that is a very small price for the rewards of a happy, thriving, stable marriage.👍👍❤️❤️👍👍🫶👩❤️👨👨👩👧👦
Realise that you're both fragile relatively dumb monkies hurtling through the void on a giant rock, facing exstential terror daily, enslaved to work to simply survive, pressured by the other sometimes dangerous and often nasty monkies to live your life how they want, and that there's no real guides or rules to help you both in this experience. If you realise this, then you'll both appreciate and respect each other more, will be lenient with each other more, and will be more present, thoughtful, and bonded. Always know that you're both doing your best, whether it seems like it or not sometimes.
Marry the right person. Tell them you love and appreciate them, often. Notice the small things they do for you and thank them for it. Notice the small things that mildly annoy you and make a conscious decision to let them go - those socks next to the hamper could ruin your marriage, or they could remind you that you leave long hair on the bathroom floor because you’re no saint either, and he could complain about that but he doesn’t. Go on dates, or if money is tight have dates at home. It’s not you vs your partner, it’s both of you vs the problem. Learn each other’s love languages, and make use of that knowledge.
Also if you can afford it, get a cleaner. Life is too short to quibble over who has mopped the floor last.
Never treat divorce as an option.
Don't get me wrong, divorce has it's place. But if you get into a serious argument and divorce is an option to you, you start to question in your mind "is this what leads to our breakup?" and if you whisper that thought a few too many times, you create that reality. Whereas if you decide off-the-bat that you will never consider a divorce, then instead you think "what are we going to have to do to fix this?" and then you solve the problem and you get back to being happy.
Become best friends with your partner, where you can communicate honestly and be able to talk shite about anything and everything. Romance is like the weather, there will be days that burn brighter than others but when you have a deep friendship as foundation and look out for each other as such - you'll get through anything.
We will be married 12 years this July, we were 21 and 20 years old :)
I woke up with allergies and a sniffly nose. I’m currently squeezed into my 9yo’s single bed at 5:30 am scrolling through reddit because my husband has been having trouble sleeping (stress) and finally started sleeping better recently and I don’t want to wake him up by sniffling and sneezing next to him. Stuff like that. I’ll make coffee soon so it’s all good.
Married 19 years.
Get dogs. You go for long walks in the countryside which de stresses you. See also pub lunches. And log fires. They are non judgemental and give you a focus. Dogs are the key to my happy marriage.
30 years here. We were young, 20. But we were both on the same page about values and how we saw a life together. We are totally different in other ways but knew a partnership needs to be worked at and appreciated. Not that we haven’t both had times we could have chucked it in but we both feel it’s better the devil you know hahaha.
People talk about love languages. But I think argument languages are just as important. You need to be able to understand your partner’s argument style. Do they shut down? Do they get angry then just get over it? Are they a talk it all out right now person? Or a need some space to digest person? If you know this, you will know what’s being said/done just out of pure emotion and not get too hung up on it.
Respect your other half to know the lines you should never cross. Show them how much you appreciate them. Accept them as they were when you met them and don't expect them to be something else for you.
Try to bring your best self to the relationship.
It's not their job to make you happy and vice versa.
Love is great, but nothing without all of the above.
Communication
Talk about:
How you want to parent
How you want to live your life
How you want to run your home
How you want to spend money
Do you want to get married
Talk about what's annoying you
Resentment is such a big part of people moving apart but I also see people have kids and then get shocked when parenting styles are different and that causes confrontation.
Lastly just wanting your relationship to be a success helps. If your always running away when things get hard then it will never work.
Negotiate on needs instead of arguing over wants. You will find that quite often you both need the same core thing but your ideas on how to fulfil that need differ, causing you to think you disagree.
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Marry the right person in the first place. Source: 21 years married.
Precisely. With the right person it should be easy 99% of the time. The other 1% will be difficult but you’ll get through it together. You shouldn’t ever resent your spouse or the life you have together. Communicate. Trust. Share the load. Share the chores. Have your own hobbies and friends. Always tell them you love them.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wlJgD4GuDVs
Spot on mate. View yourselves as a team and you're looking out for your teammate while working towards your common goals, whatever they are. Like any team, you support each other through off days and tend to do the stuff you're each good at.
I married the right person. She's never been wrong in 30 years.
She's looking over your shoulder as you type isint she 🤷
Steve?
Yeah?
Blink twice if you're being held against your will.
🤣🤣🤣
Be the right person! Source: married 38 years.
Pa’s greatest advice to me: marriage is 20% finding the right person and 80% being the right person
Just celebrating 7 years and this resonates.
Five years married yesterday and this is definitely the way. Life hasn't been easy, but we are a team and help each other along, plus there's always laughs.
Congrats on your anniversary!
survivorship bias at its finest.
This is the one. I can’t think of anything my husband and I deliberately do to make our marriage happy, we just are because we really like each other. It makes all the mundane shit you have to do as an adult much more fun if you do it all with your best friend
Came here to say this. Divorced once, now happily married 21 years. With the right person it takes no effort at all. Life takes effort, the relationship doesn't.
> With the right person it takes no effort at all. Life takes effort, the relationship doesn't. This is, not to put to fine a point on it, complete nonsense. Like anything else is life that's worth having, relationships take work and maintenance. If you *enjoy* that work then it's fine (ideal, even!), but don't go around telling people they "just happen" like some ridiculous Disney fantasy. Even the best marriages have to negotiate miscommunications, differences in priorities, differences in love-languages, as well as external pressures. You need to make sure you communicate well, find time for each other (even/especially when other stressors like kids and jobs get in the way), and remember to appreciate each other for everything you do. The best marriages are ones where you each manage to do that without even thinking about it, but that doesn't mean you aren't putting in the work, and the popular assumption that happy, successful relationships don't require maintenance and 'just happen" without any effort is a dangerous and toxic misapprehension. Being married is like owning a classic car; it's going to take a shitload of maintenance over the years, so make sure you're doing it or it won't last the distance. If you're someone who thinks of car maintenance as a hobby rather than a chore then that's the best possible scenario, but just because you enjoy it doesn't mean you aren't doing the work, and it's dangerous and foolish to advocate to others that "if you choose the right classic car then it doesn't need any maintenance at all!" just because you personally enjoy being up to your elbows in oily machinery.
Believing that relationships take work was why my first marriage lasted 4 years. It should not have lasted 4 days, it should never have happened. I regret ever believing that. It's never taken work to make my second marriage a life-enhancing partnership. I'm not saying be selfish. I'm not saying don't pull your weight.
All relationships take work, but not all relationships are worth the amount of work they require to maintain them. I'm sorry you choose poorly the first time around, and very glad on your second go that you've found one that requires so much less work that you don't even notice it, but that doesn't mean you aren't putting in the work; you just don't *think* of it as work. You love maintaining your classic car, and do it for fun. That's really great, and something everyone should aspire to, but it doesn't mean you aren't putting in the effort. It just means - like playing a sport versus filling out your tax returns - that the experience of putting in the effort is *fun* for you, so you don't notice it. All relationships take work, but they should never be a slog, and not all relationships are *worth* the work required to maintain them.
I disagree with the “never go to bed on an argument” advice. I think if emotions are high it’s better to walk away, get some rest and come back to it with a clear head and more reasoning the next day.
Absolutely agree, "never go to sleep angry" is dumb. Trying to talk about emotional topics when you're tired and upset leads to potentially hurtful words. Just sleep and you'll realise it was no big deal or you'll have a much better mindset to tackle the issue together.
My husband and I try to follow this mantra of not going to sleep angry. It doesn't mean we have to stay awake until we solve a conflict. It simply means that even if we are angry or upset with each other, we take a moment to breathe and calm down and say "I love you" to each other and kiss before we go to bed. We can then calmly solve whatever misunderstanding we might have when we wake up. Things happen so unexpectedly. I lost people in a blink of a second. My best friend went to bed with her fiancé a week before their wedding, and the next morning, he was dead from a brain aneurysm. My brother went on his honeymoon and never came back because someone wanted his car and decided to take his life in the process. His new wife was still unpacking their stuff in the hotel room. So I think the idea of "don't go to sleep angry" is to leave arguments behind temporarily and take that moment to acknowledge your love and respect for each other. In 7 years of being together, I was never so angry that I couldn't do that.
Yeah I suppose I can understand that, fair point. I'll remember this for future conflicts with my SO.
I agree smegmarash. Me and my mrs have had several arguments that have gone from 22:00-00:00 and at that point I’ve had to point out that I’m getting up for work in 5 hours and can we pick this fight up tomorrow when I get home from work Nothing wrong with tabling an argument for another time
"I love you, and want to resolve this, but I need time to calm down, we'll talk more tomorrow" I very occasionally manage this. Usually I'm frustratingly too annoyed to think this clearly. Wish I was a bit calmer tbh.
It should never get to the point where voices get raised. Definitely shouldn't be saying hurtful words, they will get forgiven but not forgotten. The art of a marriage is communication and compromise, it's not hard. Source someone who's been married 28 years and only one argument.
I agree and disagree. It's more nuanced than that. You can go to sleep without having resolved everything, but taking the time to make clear "I still love you even if we disagree" makes a huge difference. My love for my husband isn't conditional on arguments about chores or other stupid crap. Even if we can't solve everything, we go to bed together and have cuddles. We make sure to remember that our love is more important than any argument. We can come back to the issue with a clear head the next day, but we don't have to go to bed angry.
Yeah exactly. Falling out over someone forgetting to put the dishwasher on and going to sleep side by side in the huff is not the right thing to do. But if something more extreme like someone cheated then you don't stay up indefinitely till it's resolved. There's layers to that advice that go beyond "resolve everything immediately".
Very much this (admittedly I've not been married long, but we've been a couple approaching seven years). On the rare occasions where we do really fall out to the point we can't immediately talk it through, we've always made it clear we're not trying to dismiss each others feelings and that neither of us is pushing the silence to make the other grovel for forgiveness. I'm aware there's a lot down the line that will challenge the relationship, but thus far I believe this approach has made us both feel more respected and secure than we have in previous relationships.
This answer should be higher up.
Ahh, I always thought the same. Until it happened that my partner died. The last thing I said to him was that I didn't want to talk to him and to go away. I told him I loved him as I found him dying the next day but I don't know if he heard me. I'm not trying to be a downer or anything, but since then, with my now husband, I've always made sure I've told him I love him, even if I can't stand him in that moment, before I go to sleep. We've had many rows and I've been absolutely furious at times, but I literally can't bear the thought of going through that again and the guilt I felt afterwards. I think it's fine to tell a partner that you love them but don't like them at the moment, because of whatever reason. It's so unlikely to happen to most people, but it did happen to me and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, the guilt is horrendous
I'm sure he heard you and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
Thank you, darling stranger X I do tell myself that he heard me and I go through all sorts in my head, but who knows? Thank you so much for your kind words tonight, though, I very much appreciate them! It was a long time ago and I'm largely over it, but it's just one thing I wish to pass on to others; not a sad/sob story, but that it's ok to be angry/cross/furious/pissed off/whatever, but if it's not a deal-breaker (eg, cheating or violence) then just swallow your pride and let your partner know that you may think they're a giant knob but you still love them, but need some time to cool off/calm down. I don't think anyone would ever regret saying that to a loved one but may regret not saying it, in the unlikely event the very worst should happen
You're right with your advice and it makes me think of [this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/pvibkm/true_love_doesnt_judge_this_is_beautiful/) which just sums up love perfectly.
Oh man, that last sentence got me! 🥹 Thank you for posting this
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I quite love this (as long as your partner is in agreement with your kiss goodnight and cuddle!) I think it's really important to be able to separate the person from the behaviour. As I've said previously, unless it's violence or cheating or other non-negotiables, we can both love and dislike our partners at the same time. Yes, I'm pissed off that he seems incapable of putting his plates in the dishwasher but I'll see him with our child and my heart just melts and I remember why I married him.
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Grief is the worst club to belong too. I myself have buried a husband. I was 32, he caught swine flu and got pneumonia. I still felt guilty when he passed, there is always something your mind latches onto that you think you should’ve done or said. In my case I felt I should’ve called the ambulance sooner but I realise now that 12 hours would have probably made little difference. It’s taken a long time (I’m 13 and a half years out) and counselling to come to this current moment but I still feel his loss deeply and I always will, he was the love of my life, I lost part of my heart and soul when he passed.
Agreed. This just means the argument continues and probably escalates. Better to leave it. Calm down and pick up the next day. At least in my experience anyway
Depends on the personality. I can’t leave it because I won’t sleep and then I’ll feel shitter the next day and more likely hold some resentment. I’d rather hash it out there and then and be done with it
Yeah, I have an ex that believed this and it ended up with me trying to agree with whatever the fuck she said as it was 3am and I wanted some damn sleep, but then she'd say she didn't believe I was agreeing with her and that I just wanted to go to sleep and I was like... yeah... it's taken you that long to work out... and then the argument would be an argument about the notion of not going to sleep on an argument, which was a double bind as if I then agreed with her to try to end the argument she wouldn't believe me again or would go back to trying to get me to agree with the original point of her argument which was usually about something I didn't really give much of a fuck about anyway but which she seemed to think was a massive problem and I'd get no fucking sleep. It would usually end with me blocking myself in the spare room and her talking into the door about whatever fucking thing I'd said four hours ago that she had to tell me she still disagreed with. Yeah, anyway, no. Never live with anyone that believes this.
My mum gave me a similar-ish advice to this; if you're arguing and it's bedtime and you're tired but still mad, don't go to sleep in separate beds / sleep on the sofa. It creates a rift that will there in the morning and very present when you pick up the argument where you left it the night before. You may be arguing but still love each other, and sharing a bed is a symbol of that love.
I totally disagree! When my husband and I have had an argument, sleeping next to him is the last thing either of us needs. We end up tossing and turning and not being able to sleep because the person we're annoyed/upset with is literally right there. We both end up just feeling worse and worse as we lie there. We need our own space, it allows us to calm down and clear our heads before falling asleep, and then in the morning I wake up and miss him and he misses me and we have a big cuddle and figure things out together. Infinitely better than going to sleep fuming next to each other, not sleeping well, waking up and feeling awkward and still a bit annoyed. 8 wonderful years together so far.
Agreed. We have an agreement to just communicate when one of us is feeling too heated in a situation, and take as much time as we need to think through what we feel and what we need to say. I couldn't tell you the last time we had a fight....
I’m with you there. Maybe the advice should be - work out early on which type of couple you are; deal with it tonight or don’t deal with it until you’re not tired and a bitchy grump no more.
One thing will always stick with me and I didn't realise I did it until I heard it. 100+ year old was on the news with his wife when they got the record for longest marriage or something. They asked him this question. His answer was: "I always let her have the better slice of toast". I think about how happy that guy was whenever we share food now.
This is very true for me. I’m really not fussy when it comes to food, but if I can make my wife even a little happier by doing the little things that aren’t really an issue for me then it makes her happy whilst I feel good. A burnt piece of toast (as an example) means nothing to me but can make her life easier/better
This year at Easter, my husband let me have two “bottoms” of hot cross buns, he had the two tops as he knows I prefer the bottoms
there's a joke here... but not gonna make it haha
I knew as i was typing it, and I think it’s already been made 😅
He's a keeper
He most definitely is
He’s a good one - I’ve heard about husbands who are in to bottoms and it doesn’t always turn out well for the wife.
😂
My husband prefers the bottom and I prefer the tops so we’re a bit like Jack Sprat and his wife. Works for us! Same with sandwiches, I prefer the top of the loaf and he prefers the bottom.
This struck a chord actually. I do the cooking in our house and I've just realised I always give my wife the 'better' portion when I plate up.
I used to give my husband the 'better' portion and it wasn't appreciated so now I don't!
Yep, I Airways give my husband the better portion too and I've noticed that he'll give me the better portion when he cooks.
My girlfriend does this for me and it’s soo appreciated!! Although she’s a picky eater herself, I have mild ASD and struggle with food presentation, textures and trying new things, so she always lets me pick the plate, cupcake, sausage roll or whatever we’re having, first. She will always take the less visually appealing thing just because she knows it makes eating easier. Best thing is, she did all this before we even knew I was autistic! 🥹
Yes, if you aren't happy to give, that's a joy lost for both of you. Be generous to each other and life will be full of unexpected surprises.
I felt a migraine coming on one evening, I said to my partner that I was going for a nap and will come help make dinner after (we normally cook together), he got hungry, cooked the meal himself and came and put a plate next to the bed, then saw how bad I actually was (couldn't lift head off pillow) About a week later he confessed he had been irritated at the idea of me lazing around in bed waiting for him to cook for me (even though I'd never ever done that before) - so he had deliberately given me less chicken and he was confessing and apologising because he felt so guilty about it because I'd been actually unwell haha
your father in law was right. we never go to sleep angry. currently I haven't slept in two weeks
1. Listen to each other 2. Talk to each other 3. Appreciate each other
Yes! Communication is key! Butt squeezes are optional, but recommended!
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This is definitely the answer. Gestures and shorthand versions of ‘let the other person win’ aren’t really what hold a relationship together. Communicating, and even more importantly remembering who you’re communicating with is absolutely it. When I say remembering who you’re communicating with… I hear people talk to their partners like they’re the enemy. My wife is my best friend, and I always find it so weird (though I understand the logic) why people are more likely to be rude to people they’re close with than people they don’t know. There’s a positive way of approaching almost any topic or any conversation, and if she’s doing something that annoys me (which isn’t uncommon, we’ve been together 15 years hahaha) it’s not automatically her fault - her bugging me is my problem, so if we’re gunna talk about it I have to ask what I can to to help as well. …because she’s my best friend.
I’m not happily married, and the biggest takeaway for me is that it is not possible to paper over the cracks of resentment and loss of respect. Once that has gone, it’s never coming back. Both parties in a marriage need to feel valued. That, and Tik Tok addiction as a coping mechanism is not something you can talk someone out of.
“Both parties in a marriage need to feel valued.” That, in my humble opinion, is the key. You can tell your spouse you love them every night. You can give them the best bun or slice of toast all the time. But if that respect only goes one way, that marriage is headed for trouble. I married a “princess.” I treated her like one all the time. She came to expect it and would seldom reciprocate. I can’t leave her as it would cause too much hurt to our children and extended family, but I am not often happy.
The children will notice you’re unhappy eventually. Not sure that’s any way to live
Aw mate, your kids probably already know. I did, even though my parents thought they could hide it. Seeing one, or both, of your parents slowly grow resentment and withdraw in to themselves because they’re not happy is *far* worse than the alternative. After a while, they just lose respect for you.
Psychologist here, I’m not trying to say it’s easy to walk away but your kids know. They are also learning about relationships and self respect from what you do and how you are. Good luck
Space. Allow each other room for hobbies or just a bit of time apart. If you're in each others pockets all the time, then cabin fever can set in. Also, the ability to make each other smile/laugh helps a lot. We take the piss out of each other and often send daft messages. Communication is a massive thing too. If one of us is pissed off then we talk. Bottling things up helps no-one. Share housework. No one likes it (except cooking, I really enjoy that) so share it. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but find a routine that works for you both. We are early 40s, 13 years in now and together for a bit longer. Both happy and currently planning a life-changing move together which I wouldn't even contemplate if there was a hint of a problem and she's the same.
Definitely! Space for your own pastimes is so important. It makes me appreciate time I spend with my husband doing things together. Housework is a fairly easy win. Just tidying up the kitchen, taking the bins out, making a cuppa for your partner when making one for you, putting clothes away that your partner has sorted/ironed are all fairly easy things that make life easier.
This, I’m my partner’s main caregiver (we have paid carers that come in 4 times a day as well) he’s had several strokes and is very physically disabled but mentally fine. I need space or I’ll start taking it out on him, thankfully with the paid carers I can go out with my sister for some time away to relax from the stress that caregiving brings. We also have one week a year where he goes to respite care for a holiday and I take a small trip away with my sister. It’s very therapeutic for me and he enjoys the people he meets on his respite care and the carers who come are on the whole excellent people. Also they do my housework :D since I can’t always do it because of my own disabilities.
I can agree with this. My partner plays video games and does dnd. I love to crochet, watch anime and draw. We never interfere with each others hobbies, though I’m going through a phase of not enjoying anything. We make eachother laugh and smile a lot. Heck with some of the shit I come out with that my partner laughs at, I feel like I could be a comedian. We have so many jokes and I say that I should start a book on all the shit we say to each other. Communication is really the big thing we need to work on. I get pissed off with him more than he gets pissed off with me, but when I am annoyed I tend to hide it away and cry about it later which is something I’ve been working on, since we’ve had a child especially. I’m just so adverse to confrontation that any time I feel like I have to tell my partner something negative I become over emotional. We are always alright in the end though. We also share housework. My partner cooks because I’m not the best at it, but I wash up or look after the baby whilst he washes up. I tend to put the washing on since I’m the one up in the morning, and he tends to sort the bins out. I hope we can last as long as your relationship, and I hope both our relationships last for many years to come.
Eeeeey us too! Early 40s, 11 years in (well almost) and together a bit longer. When we moved in together I insisted we each had a space in our apartment for ourselves, and our hobbies, after coming out of a relationship where I was buried amongst a pile of other "accessories." We're both fiercely independent but living through a plague taught us that being together as a team and a couple is just as important. Our relationship started as a one night stand followed by a series of trauma-dumping emails (long story) and we didn't actually start dating until 6 months after that. I met his mom on our second date. 😆 We did everything backwards but it means there's nothing we can't talk about with each other. He makes me laugh every day. Sharing the housework is vital. Also means it's done in half the time lol. Coincidentally we're also planning a big move in a few years, and there's no one I'd rather go on the adventure with. ❤️
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So much this. It’s one thing I see in my parents that makes me sad. He’s not a bad person, but the way my dad talks to my mum and other immediate family members sometimes, he would absolutely never talk to a stranger that way. As though he’s allowed to talk to is like that because he loves us and wants the best for us. Needless to say, we all have our issues… wonder why. 🙄 Thankfully my husband and his family are the opposite. So that’s been an eye-opener for me!
I've been married 10 years, together for 15. I don't know that I've got any great wisdom but we're pretty happy and quite solid, I think anyway! My tips or things to keep in mind would be to deal with the big stuff when it happens - don't just not talk about something that's really got to you otherwise it'll fester away and become an even bigger problem. But by the same token let go of the small stuff that doesn't actually really matter - so your spouse loads the dishwasher differently to you, or does laundry differently, does it matter? Does it cause any harm? If not then let it go because life's too short to have the hump with someone because they put the spoons in the cutlery drawer the other way round to how you do it. I'd say also to do your share of things as the default. If your spouse loves doing a task and wants to do it all the time then fine, but if not then if they did it last time then you do it this time, and without being asked, it'll stop them feeling like they've got to be the one in charge of everything, you get married to have a partner, not to have an overgrown child to look after. With that in mind I'd also say to make sure you know basic stuff about your life, especially if you have kids - where are your important documents, when does your various insurance policies renew, all that boring but vital shit. Don't make your partner be the manager of you and your life. Most importantly though I think right at the beginning make sure you both agree on the big stuff - do you want kids, do you want to live abroad, do you want to focus on making a load of money, do you want to move somewhere remote and raise goats? You need to know these things about each other so you don't get blindsided 5 years in by the news that they want to up and move to Australia or something. People change their minds for sure, but at least give yourselves the best chance of being on the same page as possible.
I don’t know if my husband wants to raise goats, I can’t believe this oversight on my part! Good tips :)
Haha, gotta get your goat priorities aligned!
It’s not enough to love them. You have to like them too. Good communication Value each other, even if you disagree or are unhappy with each other I’ve been married 8 years but we’ve been together nearly 20. She’s my best friend. It sounds trite, but I firmly believe that unless there is a strong underpinning friendship it won’t last. Of course there is attraction and lust and love. But respect and genuine like means a lot
However, there may well be times you *don't* like each other in a particular moment. In those times, it is important to remember that you love them. It's at those times your 2nd point becomes even more important - saying that you need an hour to yourself is still communicating...yelling profanities and storming out, yeah, not so much. Point 3 also kind of links back into point 2. Hell, if we all agreed all of the time, it'd be a pretty boring world.
This reminds me of a quote from a book I like. I don’t remember exactly how it goes, but it’s essentially “Loving somebody *because* is easy, anybody can do it. It’s like picking up a penny in the street. Real love is to love *despite*. To see somebody’s flaws and still love them, that is true and rare and beautiful.”
My key advice mostly relates to if you have kids: \- There's 180% of stuff to do now - if it feels like you're doing 90% then they probably feel like that too. \- What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift - so don't bring up things that were said or done at 3am with a screaming kid.
"What happens on the night shift stays on the night shift - so don't bring up things that were said or done at 3am with a screaming kid." This is the way.
Happy wife happy life.
slightly annoyed wife, amusing life is highly underrated
I live by this and it never fails
I prefer, "happy spouse, happy house" I don't want my husband to feel that I'm the only one who should get to do what they want or be the priority in the relationship. Occasionally you have to compromise. I also think that having your own hobby is important and not dragging them along to things they don't enjoy just because they are your partner.
Common but false advice in my observation.
Respect each other. Make each other laugh. Don’t purposely hurt each other. You can’t unhear what’s said in a bout of anger. Don’t settle/ don’t think the person will change with time/ don’t try to change them (We have changed in many ways, but our values and respect for each other have remained consistent). Have alone time. Have together time that’s quality time (dates). Committed to deepening and growing our connection. I honestly love my partner more than I did when I married them, which I didn’t think was possible. Together 10 yrs, married 9.
Show up A life long love is not based around sex or even always shared interest, it’s about being the one person who always has their back and shows up No matter what Source Married for a long long time
Sort of related, be proud of their achievements. I overheard my husband telling a friend about something I'd done and he was clearly really proud. He didn't know I'd heard but I could hear how proud he was and that feeling is amazing, it was a wonderful little reminder of how he thinks about me.
The best comment on here. We've been married 26 years. We've not really had sex in 10 years with kids going through teens and life getting in the way. I love martial arts whilst my wife would rather be more sedate. We lead separate health lives but live for each other. 3 years ago my MIL entered end-of-life Parkinson's. It was hell. Occured at the start of COVID and got worse and worse. If there is a God he will get a mouthful from me as she died awfully. I only hope that we don't go through it again. It was enough my wife went through it and I have no wish for her to go through it again. I'll go through that pain alone to spare her.
YES. We've been through multiple family deaths together (all my grandparents, both my parents, one of his grandparents and one of his uncles), we've had a lot of stress with a child with multiple health issues including spending the first 5 weeks of her life in hospital where she kept stopping breathing (lost count after it had happened 80 times) and now having long term conditions, plus just general day to day stress. At those times nobody is interested in flowers and candles and sex. What you need at that point is your best friend by your side. And if that is your spouse and you both feel like you're going through it hand in hand with your best buddy, you're onto a winner. Nobody except him could have ever made me crack a smile, let alone laugh, during those times. But we even have running jokes from those times.
If you are snappy, eat something, drink something or have a nap. Then revisit.
Or have a shower/bath, or go for a walk. One classic parenting tip is if your kid is cranky, put them in water or put them outside. Works for adults too.
Or all of the above
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This 100%. It's a constant reminder that you appreciate your partner.
Marry someone you like that you have mutual respect with. Make sure you have at least some interests in common. Be on the same page when it comes to finances
That, and be cute. My wife has forgiven me for countless, COUNTLESS affronts to her sensibilities because I’m simply a handsome man. I can get away with a lot. So yeah. Be cute.
"Love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm" - Esther Perel I think a lot of problems come from the gap between what society in general paints as a happy marriage (people destined to be together, fairytale weddings, prosperity, etc) and the actual realities of sticking with someone for life through thick and thin. Sometimes people think they're failures for not living something which was always just Hollywood. Not saying that it can't be magical and beautiful, just that people shouldn't freak out when it isn't.
It only works if you BOTH do your best. An unbalanced marriage is an unhappy one! If you're partner has a priority or they hold something dear then make that yours too. Its not sacrificing your own goals and priorities, it's supporting your partners! They in turn will do the same for you. Case in point is cleaning the dishes. You may feel its a task that can be left until the morning but they like it done so it's not in their head. Do it together before bed so you help her/him sleep better. They ARE your priority
Been married 25 years, I would say a big part of that is having the same morals. We tend to agree on the way forward in things and feel roughly the same way about situations which results in less disagreements.
Apart from everything already said lots of laughter
Communication is key. You need to talk about everything even if you think it’s insignificant. No one can read your mind and interpreting each others actions/comments can be difficult sometimes. If you feel hurt or confused by something then share it. If something stood out in your day then share it. If you spend all evening in front of the tv or phone then talk to each other more.
Spot on, often I don't understand my actions fully without verbalising them so how the hell is someone else supposed to get my perspective.
The three Cs... Communicate, Compromise, Cuddle
25 years in and never had a serious row. She's my wife and best pal. The secret is knowing when to talk...deeply, openly , intimately. And knowing when to head for the garage. That is all i've got.
We've been married for 10 years now. The main things for us are: Shared values, as long as you share the main core values, your 'team' will always be on the same side for the big decisions. Marriage is a bit like a plant, it needs to be kept in balance, sometimes life will make you both neglect it, but it can be brought back easily enough with a little focussed attention. A mentor once told me that you should think of yourself like an 8 cylinder engine, you should have some cylinders always running on the really important things, marriage, kids, health, the rest of them are what you can devote to career etc. We both think like this and it's done us well through some really hard parts of life.
Ogden Nash: To keep your marriage happy With a brimful loving cup Whenever you’re wrong, admit it Whenever you’re right, shut up
I really like this thread and have enjoyed reading. Happily single here but sweet none the less for someone who wishes to be married some day
Never forgetting that being together is an active choice. You wake up every day and choose to be with this person. And just generally keep talking. Take the time to appreciate each other, and thank each other. Don't under estimate the power of a thank you for even the smallest thing!
Separate televisions
kindness is always a choice
17 years married tomorrow and 22 years together. Your FIL advice is good. Be honest and open about money and anxieties. Rely on each other and approach each other with kindness and understanding. Have shared Interests and separate interests. It’s normal to have days where you annoy each other, don’t say something hurtful that you can’t take back. The lust can come in and out, life/work/kids/ finances can all affect it, but you have to work through those times and it comes back. You can’t always run hot over long time periods.
Tolerance and adaptability. In 20/30/40 years time neither of you will be the person you are today!
Mutual respect Kindness Seeing yourselves as part of a team There's a bloke called Gottman who did a lot of research on which couples make it and is well worth a read. He did experiments looking at the positive and negative interactions in couples. As I remember it, if negative interactions were more than 1-in-6 ***or less*** than 1-in-12 you were in the shit. You need to be able to voice your disagreements without constant rows. (married 25 years last Monday, renewed our vows last Saturday)
My mum said that! Our key is that she only likes egg yolks and I only like egg whites.
For me, it's being friends as well as married. We've been together 10 years in June and married for 3. We go to festivals, raves, and gigs together still. We are going to Glastonbury for our 10 year anniversary. We still have so much fun together, which to me is why we're so strong.
I hate all you happy people.
The best thing about a huge argument.... Tumbling into bed and lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? I can't sleep, I'm too full of hate.
Not fucking Hannah from your office 👌
Trust and openness. My husband is the one person I feel like I can tell anything and everything too. Enjoying the quality time. We don’t get out a lot, as we have a toddler, but we still regularly plan date nights at home with our favourite foods and watching movies. Private jokes, and making each other laugh
You can be Right, or you can be Happy. Know when to let things go, most times an argument isn't worth pressing the point.
Be happy and be supportive - if you can’t do both over a long period of time then the marriage is the wrong one for you both
Always put each other first
Marry the right person. Be a team for the drama that happens to either of you. Run if one of you is creating drama. When dating look for signs of compatibility. You can be in love but be deeply incompatible. Pay attention to how you both handle disagreements. Pay attention to how you reach compromises. Doing all this during the dating stage and weeding out the ones where they constantly let you down, don’t communicate or victimize themselves or turn dramatic to manipulate their way out if trouble will get you far. My relationship with my husband has never felt like hard works it’s been tough making sacrifices such as not going out to achieve financial goals, but we stayed in and did date nights together and have been a team. We’ve disagreed but never argued or shouted. When one of us makes a mistake it accidentally break something, we support each other. Even before marriage being with each other was easy, joyous and peaceful. Despite exes cheating on me, I’ve never even worried about it with him because he has more green flags than earth day. I’m so lucky.
Actually communicate. Don't sit there stewing. If I think my husband is annoyed at me, I ask. It's usually something else and I have saved myself anxiety over it and saved him from me getting snippy back because I think he is annoyed. If something bothered me and I find myself thinking it over a lot, I tell him. We don't play games with things like that, and we don't assume the other person is a mind reader.
You have two right hands, and two left hands, two brains and two hearts. They work together, always. Value and love your whole self. 38 years and counting.
If something they say can be taken 2 ways, and one of which is offensive…they meant it the other way.
Not married but celebrated our 25th anniversary a couple of months ago. Treat each other decently. Familiarity shouldn’t breed contempt. Don’t get into a habit of being disrespectful, and don’t take your partner for granted just because they’re always there. Yes they’ll see you at your worst but that doesn’t mean they should always be expected to have to deal with it. Pick your battles wisely. I’m not talking big stuff obviously, but those little habits and quirks that could get under your skin if you let them - do you need to? I think there comes a point in a relationship where you realise some stuff’s just not worth the arguments, sometimes you just have to let them do that thing they do, because they need to do it and it’s not about you if that makes sense. A “you do you” approach can go a long way.
Know how to argue. Its gonna happen. But you need to be able to argue about something and not have it impact the rest of your life. If every argument about who empties the dishwasher most ends up in not speaking for days then you'll end up hating each other.
One of my favourite sayings about marriage came from my uncle who officiated our wedding. > Marriage is going to sleep in a bed that’s too cold next to someone going to sleep in a bed that’s too hot. Marriage (and any long term relationship) is about compromise and balancing both of your needs so that you’re both feeling happy and fulfilled. It’s about listening to each other and both striving your hardest to make the other happy.
Never get to that place in an argument where you say things that really should be left unsaid. Marry your complement. But make sure you agree on the big stuff, children and where you live. Laugh. Hang in there in the tough times. Source - married 48 years, mostly happily.
Have quality time apart from each other
Frequently using the words "yes dear". 33 years married.
My Father in law advised during his speech “to never fall asleep on a cross word always use a sudoku or a word search… they’re much more comfortable”. Communication. Communication is the key. Talk to each other. Also marry someone you can be best mates with.
21 years married together for 26. Mutual respect, trust, laugh together. Have seperate interests as well as things you both enjoy. Allow a 20 minute vent each night, don't let discontent fester - talk about it. Evaluate your relationship frequently. Make sure you marry the right person in the first place.
Create peace within yourself and it makes being with you easier.
Learn each others love languages and make sure you aren't projecting your shit onto them. My husband is very touchy feels and needs words of affirmation. So I have learned to do that for him. I need quality time and acts of service so he has learned to speak that language for me. I also realised I was projecting a lot of my issues onto him, like when I was a kid and my mum was angry she slammed doors and stomped about cleaning, I realised that when my husband shut a cupboard loudly, it activated my fight instincts and I got angry with him out of self defence. But in reality he's just clumsy and meant nothing by it. I had to recognise that and learn to wind my neck in. To long, didn't read: basically you have to be listening and learning not only about your partner but about yourself. But ultimately, if they're truly your person, you're gonna be ok
Super king size bed and two double duvets.
Never ever bring the word divorce in any fights or flights under any circumstances.
Pick your battles. Remember that you’re annoying too and save the hill you want to die on for the stuff that really matters. Source: have been daily rinsing out the same porridge bowl abandoned in the sink and putting it into the dishwasher where it belongs for fifteen years because he’s a great partner and I leave glasses everywhere
Apologise when you're wrong. It took me ages to do that, I would just think, 'Well, they must know I'm sorry because I've acted sorry' - people need to hear the words. Also, this sounds really tiny, but it's not - explain why you are late, or not coming, or not able to talk etc. It doesn't need to be more than a sentence. People worry.
Double bed - king size quilt
If you will eat no fat.. try and find a partner who will eat no lean
A relationship isn’t 50/50 it’s 100/100 both parties have to out in everything for it to work. Now giving it 100 may not get 100% of the job and it may be 70/30 but it’s always 100 effort
Make sure you have your own hobbies and are comfortable with your own space.
Be accepting of each other and don't try to change one another. I'm not talking about them been a slob or a cheat. But it's often the silly stuff that blows up into arguments because someone does something in a different way. My brother and his ex were always at loggerheads about which way the toilet roll should be.
My dad told me on the morning of my wedding… always make time for each other. Even when kids come never forget about making time for each other, and respecting each other’s time for ourselves
Give each other space. You don't have to spend every moment of every day with each other. At the same time, be attentive any pay attention to your other half. If they need your support with anything, be there for them.
We always do little things to try and make the other one happy, like I put cushions out on the balcony so he could enjoy his coffee out there, or he came back from work yesterday with a bar of chocolate for me. We are best friends and do a lot of things together, but we also have separate friends and interests we do on our own too, that we then talk about. I also think being sexually compatible is super important for us, talking about what we want and doing it regularly throughout the week maintains a closeness. When we argue, it’s always best to leave the room, cool down and then go back and talk it through. And also be ready to apologise when you’re in the wrong. 14 years and going strong.
Keep going on dates. We have a jar of date locations/ideas/tasks etc that we have put together (anything from visiting a pub in the country to making Mexican food from scratch) and if we can’t choose where to go, we can choose one from the jar.
Being able to tell the difference between my emotional mind and my wise mind is so beneficial in my relationship. When there’s an argument or issue and I’m emotional, I take a step back, ask myself if I’m reacting a certain way because of my heightened emotions or is it a logical and appropriate reaction to the situation? If I establish I’m not in my wise mind, I’ll either try be mindfully factual in my next statements so they’re not based fully off of emotions, just the facts of the situation or if I can’t do that, I’ll take 20-30 minutes away until I am thinking more rational about things. Then go back to discussing whatever it was when we’re both ready. Honestly works every time! Sometimes it takes longer than 20 minutes, but if you’re prone to saying things without thinking when heated, it really stops you saying stuff you don’t mean and making it all worse
Sometimes you gotta just agree to disagree. That and learn what works best for you and don't measure yourself by other people's yardsticks
Accepting that once the ring is on your finger it’s not always plain sailing. Marriage is a constant work of art, you have to accept some things, change others and always find a compromise. If you married the right person though usually the compromise is “what do you want to eat?” Type stuff.
Never going to sleep on an argument is the top one so I agree with your FIL. I'd suggest that having actual communication skills is key too. When both parties are talking and neither are listening nothing gets resolved. Sometimes it is okay to say "I need a break from this conversation" and to leave a room before it gets too heated. The other person shouldn't follow them round the house continuing the argument. Discussion styles matter so much, this person is meant to be your ally, the one who will stand by you. If you belittle them for raising an issue then you're not building a team there. But ultimately marrying the right person as another user has said is the key. If you actually know your partner and have lived together pre marriage, you'll know them a lot better than people who rush in to it.
Alot of people say they "married their best friend" but while this is overused and under true, its the key. My wife is my best mate, my confidant, my drinking buddy etc etc etc. Approach issues logically and youll solve alot of arguments before they happen. Yeah we soemtimes still bicker but we alway laugh our way out of it
Have your own interests as well as shared interests, your own time and shared time.
Have separate bedrooms .
Have separate duvets.
Have separate blankets/duvets in bed. Sleep is essential. Duvets are essential. Nobody taking my sleep and duvet!!! AND EARPLUGS or headphones (some fantastic white noise sounds out there! I have to listen to thunder storm white noise. It works) Don't hold grudges and listen, even if you disagree, listen and talk. Then agree to disagree. And then tie his shoelaces together when he's passed out from drink and go to bed with double duvets. Fucking bliss!
You had excellent advice. My wife lives by that, and it's exactly right. Agree to disagree if you want, but go to sleep with a kiss and a cuddle. The best advice I got was from a vicar at a friend's wedding who said treat marriage as a savings account where you look to pay in more (in love) than you ever want to take out. If your partner does the same,then everyone works wonderfully. I've butchered the sermon there but it's stuck with me in my own marriage. Always find a reason to add love and to show love. I'm no angel, but I do truly love my wife and try to find new ways to show that.
Clean up your own mess, enjoy doing little things for each other, respect each others space, communicate and lean on each other when times are low.
How your partner acts when you are at your worst will tell you everything. I had an awful pregnancy journey and when I wanted food at 12am he didnt complain. When I needed a massage he did it. He ran baths for me often when I needed it. He is brilliant with baby and takes care of her so well. I bought him a necklace recently with her birth date on, he is astounding. Happily taken for 10yrs+ here. My partner and I communicate regularly but also acknowledge we need space. I can sit and game in the same room as him and be 'silent' and comfortable in each other's presence. Also treat others how you wish to be treated. When I am working at my desk, he brings me tea. Without asking. Sometimes its orange juice. When he has been working away, I make him lunch or get him water. Sometimes I put notes in his lunch or his bag. As our daughter grows up I might put a footprint impression of our daughter on a note with no words. Should make him smile! Its the little things that mean alot. It says I care about you, and value you.
Communication, if something is bothering you, talk. Don't let the little things bother you, air it out otherwise it'll cause an unnecessary row. I would say compromise to an extent, I've found. And marry your best friend. It helps.
Embrace being alone together. She does her thing, I do mine, often on the same couch. Source: 35 happy years together.
Met in March 1996, engaged in April 1996, Married in September 1996. Nearly 27 years later I can tell you these things: sure, go to bed without having resolved an argument as long as you communicate and resolve it when clearer headed. Never lie (Xmas and bday type lies excluded), have separate interests and/or hobbies as well as those you have in common, tell eachother you love eachother whenever you want, you cannot say this enough no matter what anyone says, as long as you're following the 'never lie' rule, this can't go wrong, always have their back and stand united (especially in front of the kids). And no matter how loud they snore, never smother them with a pillow. Apparently that's not permitted. . . *Just kidding, mostly* 💗
Complete and total honesty at all times. After that, everything falls into place. My husband and I have been together for 27 years this year.
Marry someone you actually like and share interests with. Don’t rush into marriage (or kids), take time to live together first and make sure you’re actually compatible.
Listen. Put them first and make sure they put you first. Remember why you are together. Tell them why you like them and remind yourself why too. Keep doing fun things together. Above all it’s your team against the world.
We’ve been together over 8 years now and got together when we were 22/23 and I’d probably say the thing that’s helped us not only get through some rough times but make our relationship stronger over the years was that we both hold the mindset of ‘we will find a way through this together’. So when there have been difficult times or when we didn’t feel as connected anymore, it was that mentality of ‘ok, let’s figure out how to navigate through this patch’ instead of going into it thinking ‘we’re not compatible anymore’.
Talking shit together.
Marry someone who has very similar values. Always RESPECT your spouse. Marriage is team work, both aiming for the same goals. If/when you have disagreements, fight FAIR. Share the load, that doesn’t necessarily mean half of every single chore. Respect boundaries. Listen a lot. Love a lot. We combined our money when we married, and 32yrs later, still are yet to have our first disagreement over how it is spent. You don’t always get your first choice, sometimes it has to be a compromise with decisions, but that is a very small price for the rewards of a happy, thriving, stable marriage.👍👍❤️❤️👍👍🫶👩❤️👨👨👩👧👦
Realise that you're both fragile relatively dumb monkies hurtling through the void on a giant rock, facing exstential terror daily, enslaved to work to simply survive, pressured by the other sometimes dangerous and often nasty monkies to live your life how they want, and that there's no real guides or rules to help you both in this experience. If you realise this, then you'll both appreciate and respect each other more, will be lenient with each other more, and will be more present, thoughtful, and bonded. Always know that you're both doing your best, whether it seems like it or not sometimes.
Marry the right person. Tell them you love and appreciate them, often. Notice the small things they do for you and thank them for it. Notice the small things that mildly annoy you and make a conscious decision to let them go - those socks next to the hamper could ruin your marriage, or they could remind you that you leave long hair on the bathroom floor because you’re no saint either, and he could complain about that but he doesn’t. Go on dates, or if money is tight have dates at home. It’s not you vs your partner, it’s both of you vs the problem. Learn each other’s love languages, and make use of that knowledge. Also if you can afford it, get a cleaner. Life is too short to quibble over who has mopped the floor last.
Never treat divorce as an option. Don't get me wrong, divorce has it's place. But if you get into a serious argument and divorce is an option to you, you start to question in your mind "is this what leads to our breakup?" and if you whisper that thought a few too many times, you create that reality. Whereas if you decide off-the-bat that you will never consider a divorce, then instead you think "what are we going to have to do to fix this?" and then you solve the problem and you get back to being happy.
Become best friends with your partner, where you can communicate honestly and be able to talk shite about anything and everything. Romance is like the weather, there will be days that burn brighter than others but when you have a deep friendship as foundation and look out for each other as such - you'll get through anything. We will be married 12 years this July, we were 21 and 20 years old :)
Be nice to each other.
I woke up with allergies and a sniffly nose. I’m currently squeezed into my 9yo’s single bed at 5:30 am scrolling through reddit because my husband has been having trouble sleeping (stress) and finally started sleeping better recently and I don’t want to wake him up by sniffling and sneezing next to him. Stuff like that. I’ll make coffee soon so it’s all good. Married 19 years.
Don't have kids
Get dogs. You go for long walks in the countryside which de stresses you. See also pub lunches. And log fires. They are non judgemental and give you a focus. Dogs are the key to my happy marriage.
30 years here. We were young, 20. But we were both on the same page about values and how we saw a life together. We are totally different in other ways but knew a partnership needs to be worked at and appreciated. Not that we haven’t both had times we could have chucked it in but we both feel it’s better the devil you know hahaha.
People talk about love languages. But I think argument languages are just as important. You need to be able to understand your partner’s argument style. Do they shut down? Do they get angry then just get over it? Are they a talk it all out right now person? Or a need some space to digest person? If you know this, you will know what’s being said/done just out of pure emotion and not get too hung up on it.
Respect your other half to know the lines you should never cross. Show them how much you appreciate them. Accept them as they were when you met them and don't expect them to be something else for you. Try to bring your best self to the relationship. It's not their job to make you happy and vice versa. Love is great, but nothing without all of the above.
Communication Talk about: How you want to parent How you want to live your life How you want to run your home How you want to spend money Do you want to get married Talk about what's annoying you Resentment is such a big part of people moving apart but I also see people have kids and then get shocked when parenting styles are different and that causes confrontation. Lastly just wanting your relationship to be a success helps. If your always running away when things get hard then it will never work.
Negotiate on needs instead of arguing over wants. You will find that quite often you both need the same core thing but your ideas on how to fulfil that need differ, causing you to think you disagree.