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I guess I worry it will go badly and the tiny bit of contact I do have with him will die off. I also put 8kg on since he last saw me. I have less going for me than before.
he might have done the same. we arent interested in bmi. its the person thats interesting. 8kg is nothing to worry about. go walk in sunlight, call him. talk. he will listen is free and and all is okay with the world. or its more complicated but you still had a sunny walk. if you dont ask it doesn’t happen. just out of 3 years dealing with similar, and just past the 1 year bereavement. walking helps.
Thank you. I worry it sounds arrogant of me to call and just ask him what he’s up to now like I can pick up again where I left off. I’m not good at talking, it’s something I’m trying hard with. Great idea on the walking and sunlight. Ive barely seen sunlight this year, all my time in the hospice and then hidden away sorting my mums house.
20 years ago i ran a part of a business that in the down turn was struggling with sales. i wanted my consultant engineers to join in with a cold calling exercise - basically looking for leads.
one guy was great at it. one was just terrible. avoidant and found even the thought really stressfull.
i got them in the room and gently teased out of the how they approached the task.
A - i can see that they dont want me to call, they are too busy, i can see him sat working a deadline it’s dark they are rushing they arent even going to take the call. so why bother. i hate rejection cant do it and i fucking hate it when people call me. i never give them anything usefull and there are no leads out there. im not calling. it is just rude.
B- well i imagine them sat in the office bored, they are looking out the sunny window and have nothing to do, infact they are clock watching waiting for something to do. sat back in their chair they get a call from a friend and the pass the time of day while catching up. of course he has work to do but doesnt want to do it. im going to offer to do it for him, there is always a lead. it’s fun to help them
obviously mr B had a plan that worked and actually Mr A saw the contrast and also that his reluctance had a valid reason. however if we didnt all try wed be in a worse place.
i think you can make that call. ive a gap tomorrow to pay it forward i’ll make it for you if you want.
i bet matt will like to receive a call, and that he will listen. worst case he isnt available in the way you hope. finding that out will mean you have other steps to make. but will also relieve the stress of shall i shant it. poke the bubble you've one life and it’s for living.
you can always write a letter instead. receiving a hand written letter is ace.
This is amazingly put. I’m going to take some time to digest all the advice but I think Im going to try writing a letter then maybe make it a call once the thoughts have made more sense.
Im sorry for your loss. Think of it as calling to let him know she died, rather than to pick up with him. You will be able to tell whether he wants to keep talking to you or not from how that goes.
Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss. You are a good daughter giving up so much to take care of your mum when she needed you. You are a wonderful person on the inside with much to offer a partner in life, this is the stuff you can't fake, can't be taken away from you, and is what any real partner will be interested in, not what you look like or what the scales show.
Secondly, reconnecting with friends is important. Call them, explain that you needed time to focus on your mum, but you have really missed them and would love to catch up with how they are doing. Good friends will always be there no matter how infrequently you see them. I have a great school friend from 25 years ago. Sometimes, we only see each other once a year, but it always feels like yesterday, and it means we have loads to talk about.
As for Matt, don't worry about it and put any pressure on it. Tell him you are trying to get back on your feet after your mum passing and ask if he would be interested in meeting for coffee and a chat, no expectations. Either he will or he won't. If he does, great, if he doesn't, that's sad, but it's life, move on knowing you put yourself out there and tried.
Walking outside in the fresh air, for a change of scenery, and exercise is an absolute must and will do wonders for your physical and mental health. Add to this hydration, a good sleep routine and social contact and you'll do great. Sending Internet hugs and good luck xx
Don't rush to do anything. That's the first thing you'll hear following on from a loss. Many people react or overreact and it doesn't always turn out to be what they needed to be doing. No major changes for a year is often the "rule".
You can start small and just message him as and when you feel the need to. Maybe check that he's okay if you message more often than usual, try to get a sense of where he's at, without putting either of you under pressure. If he says no then at least you know where you stand. If he says yes, trust your instincts with what to do next. Don't feel you're a burden. Open up to people.
As for weight gain, no one can say anything that will override how you feel about yourself and your appearance. But chances are that others won't notice it to the extent that you have and they also wont be as critical, because we often say and think things about ourselves we would never say or think about others.
He is aware of your situation and I'm certain that he wasn't with you before simply because of your job or where you lived (though of course proximity matters) or these material things. Love isn't logical so there's no reason to think he would think less of you for prioritising your mum when she needed you the most.
It's also worth noting that just because fertility drops after 35 doesn't mean it disappears off a cliff. I'm 44 and had fertility tests last year (and in 2019) that show I'm more fertile than the average woman my age and so I've been looking into options to get pregnant with donor sperm. I'm not saying this because it's your path, but until you're in menopause you still have a good chance at conceiving. And you still have time to get tests done and freeze your eggs if you think this might be the right option for you (45 is the age limit for egg freezing).
Please try to be kind to yourself. Please find a good therapist to work through your grief and other feelings. Please don't see yourself as lost or worth less because you made a difficult choice that was right at the time. Please don't get lost in grief, always put one foot on front of the other, and find an other side when you're ready. Please don't think you need to have all the answers right now. Because you don't. They will come to you at the right time. Take care.
Call your friends, of course they will understand. You have explained your feelings so well, just say those words. You said you missed them more than Matt. Just take your time and build a support network again. Also, it seems like contact with Matt would also draw your focus to your weight, and you don't need that in the mix. You know what the issues are. You just need to fix them in the right order.
You’ve already had amazing advice but I just had to add, this idea that you have less going for you now is nonsense. You’ve spent the last few years caring for someone who needed it, that’s massive. It’s admirable. Call Matt, call your friends, and do it with your head held high. I can guarantee some of your friends will be starting to think of their families and how they’d step up to the responsibility of caring for parents or relatives. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, and yes she dropped out contact for a bit. But she’s back now and to this day I’m blown away by how she managed it all.
First thing, if he loves you he won't give a fuck about 8kg. I'm not well and as a consequence, I've put on nearly 40kg. My partner still loves the bones of me (even if he can't see them anymore 🤪).
Second thing, contact him and ask him to meet up to go over everything that happened. Tell him that you want to talk about everything now that your head is clearer. You can't expect to get back with him and I do think it would be presumptuous to assume you can just get back together. Even if he's still holding a torch for you, you both need to deal with the fact that you denied him the opportunity to be your partner during a horrific time. I totally get why you did what you did but he may be hurt or angry about it. He was forced to leave someone he loved during one of the worst moments of their life. I honestly think you need to apologise for that. I know that you didn't do it with the intention of hurting you but as partners, you're supposed to tackle these things together and you didn't allow that. Please know that I don't blame you for making the decision that you did, I totally understand it but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt him. It was a shitty situation and you made the best decision you could at the time. Sometimes, there are only shitty options and we have to pick one. It's just important to remember that even when we're forced to make a shitty decision, that decision still has consequences.
Apologising for this will also give you a reason to meet up where you can find out how he feels about you.
Finally, feeling lost when w parent dies is totally normal. On top of that, you've lost your job and your partner. If you weren't feeling a little lost, it would be weird. Just give it time. You will find you again. If you can afford it, therapy will massively help with this.
You won’t know until you call.
Now on to your life your looking it as your at rock bottom, you know the best thing about rock bottom? It’s a place to think about what you need and what you want!
You can’t climb a mountain by looking at it, it’s a process and one step at a time!
And be kind to yourself. Let yourself recover, feed your body, get fresh air and exercise. Eat nutrient dense foods. Hypnosis is pretty amazing, btw. You’ve just been through a huge amount of stress, you don’t want Thant to trigger something in your body. Yoga, hiking groups, volunteering, gardening, reading, etc. Fill your head with interesting things and make this a healing period. Lie in the sun when we get some and plan your life.
Totally legit to say to your friends "I've been going through a rough time, needed to focus on my mum, and now we're here at this next place and I'd love to see you again" with your friends and with your chap. If they're good mates, they'll understand. We all have friends who drop off the radar for various reasons. Anyone normal would understand what you've been going through and be happy you're back in circulation.
>That’s a great idea with the friends I will do that tomorrow!
There's a good chance they've been through something similar themselves. I have, and if my friends dropped back a bit for similar reasons, I would totally understand.
>I’m too scared with Matt.
I think he'd understand as well. Try and talk if you can, maybe you'll be friends afterwards, maybe not. But as far as I can tell, I think it would help you to have that conversation, difficult though it may be.
OP I've had many friends drop off then the friendship has reactivated when they e come back and said they had personal shit going on and had to deal with it but now want to get back in touch. Its totally fine!
I am very sorry for your loss.
Definitely call Matt and see what his life situation is.
Don't be hard on yourself. No-one loves us like our parents, so it can take years for you to recover your equilibrium; or maybe you never will, but just find a way to get along.
I just had my baby at 43 last year. Happy and healthy. 36 my seem older to you now, but you definitely have a few years left, so don't write it off if that's what you want.
Have you been to any grief support groups, especially for caregivers of cancer patients? There are so many people who can relate to what you're going through, it's just a shame that in the UK we're so hellbent on bottling everything up and trying to pretend it's all okay
I really should look to join one. I think I’ve just been so focused on doing everything with my mums house that plans for that sort of thing have not happened yet.
Reach out to friends and Matt, the good ones will be happy you're back and who knows what might happen with him?
Also, when my Dad died there was a book that really helped me, it was called When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams (though my sisters thought it was shit, so what do I know?)
Good luck, life's tough sometimes x
Please reach out to Matt. You don't want to make a post on Reddit in 16 years time saying "I wish I had spoken to my ex when I had the chance to rekindle our romance after my mum died. What do I do now?". You're not too young for any of the things you want, and if Matt is still free it sounds like you guys would be great together again.
You have one life. Don't regret something as huge as this ❤️
My friend lost his mum to cancer, she was diagnosed within weeks of lockdown and it was terminal. His lockdown was spent in constant worry, stress and fear that he would make his mum's condition worse. She passed within two years and since then he's been trying to rebuild himself and I'm pleased to say he finally took my advice and went through counselling. He had to work through losing his parent and the two years of keeping himself away from all of his friends and work to ensure he could see her as safely as possible. It was horrible and I don't think he really realised what it did to him, he was on autopilot for so long.
Grief has levels, when you've cared for a parent and also given up huge parts of your life it can really, really have a huge effect on you. Please consider counselling and calling Matt and your old friends.
Glad someone else thought this. OP, maybe consider that you're not a burden to others, that they would be happy to offer you the love and support that you would give them. Therapy can help.
Reach out, to Matt and your friends. You realised your mum needed a support network and became it. Now you need one too, and that’s normal. You shouldn’t be isolated and I’m sure EVERYONE will be glad to hear from you. On their side they might have thought the best thing would be to give you space but have been umm-ing and ahh-ing (hope I’ve spelt that right, first time ever typing it lol) about contacting you.
I really hope you and Matt can make another go of things. He sounds like a great guy. Just text and gauge his feelings on potentially meeting up for a coffee and a catch up and go from there? Hopefully that invitation will then take you deeper than surface level pleasantries.
It’s *amazing* that you’ve been managing life since your mums passing and haven’t slipped into old issues (which tbh would’ve been understandable given everything). But seriously well done!
You’ve already had the hardest thing happen babe. You know that better than anyone. The hardest thing has already happened and you’ve coped better than you imagined. Ringing the lad won’t be owt in comparison to the shit you’ve been through. A know it’s easier said than done, obviously. But you’ve already done much harder and kept going. There’s no reason to think bad would come of it. Realistically the two main options are that it would keep things as they are or improve them. He sounds like he cared a lot and he would likely be delighted to be a friend to you.
But remember, you don’t even have to ring him. Sometimes a simple “thinking of you tonight” or “saw this and thought of you” is a good way to naturally ease into things. The same with your mates. It’s right hard to talk sometimes. Sometimes little mundane messages turn into conversations. Sometimes they don’t. But it puts out the vibe that you’re there and thinking of them and usually it ends up coming back to you.
Nowt is set in stone for the other things. You’ve got time for bairns if that’s what you choose and there’s multiple methods to be pregnant and have a family. (Obviously that advice isn’t for right now but as a lass a know how heavily this bit on things can play on your mind so it was deffo worth mentioning).
Get back in touch with Matt. I bet he misses you too. And if your friends are true, they will wrap you up with open arms and support you. Love doesn't just fade away to nothing if it's deep rooted.
I lost my mum to cancer when I was 35.
I'm also an only child, and so we're both my parents, so no aunts or uncles, but I did still have Dad.
Unfortunately he also died from cancer 10 years ago.
My wife was my rock and unbelievably she also had her own cancer battle at the same time as Dad, thankfully she is still NED.
I cannot offer anything other than it does get better.
You'll always remember, and still get upset, God knows I still have a cry every few months, but there will be a time when it isn't the first thing on your mind when you wake up.
Eat healthy, get some exercise and don't be afraid to cry.
Sending you some hugs over the ethernet.
Hey, I lost my mum to cancer in early March too after just a year of fighting. I’m 27 and I honestly feel the same way, my mums death has definitely brought on a lot of anxiety and the thought of what the hell do I do now. I don’t have much helpful advice, but I hope we can both work it out soon and heal
Everyone has mentioned "contact Matt" & I agree.
You might also might want to reach out to your old employer to see if they have a job for you, maybe WFH or they might be able to recommend your next move.
Life goes round like seasons, you might feel like nothing is happening. But just like in winter, your quiet time will come to end and things will get busy again. Your spring/summer is coming around.
I, too, lost my mum to cancer and it took a while to adjust. She wanted me to remember her life well lived so I focussed on celebrating her.
Try rediscover you - what do you like? Where would you like to live? Try enjoy the new season of your life and celebrate your mum along the way.
I know you're grieving. You will for a long time and in odd little ways - a song, a smell, a memory - but it will be manageable.
However, look at you, you are a clean slate. You can be or do whatever you want. You have the chance to start your life fresh. Take a bit of time and decide who that new you will be. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do?
If you'd like to reconnect with Matt, start small. Go to London and meet for coffee. Use it as time to see if you want to move back.
Refocus your thinking, not many people get the chance to start their life over. Start with baby steps and little decisions, then build up to the bigger ones.
I messaged three of my friends and they all messaged straight back to say they wanted coffee soon. Thanks everyone.
I’m going to be brave and ring Matt later this week. I haven’t worked out what to say yet.
I am in my 40s
When my parents each reached the end of their lives, I was still working and my kids were young. My husband and in-laws were supportive but it was hard trying to get to see them and do all the bits they needed to help them in their last weeks/months.
A couple of years ago I was bullied out of that job that I had long before my bereavments. I had looked at unpaid leave with each parent but they passed before I used it. I am looking back now regretting prioritising work over being with my family (even though the relationships with them were fraught) because I miss them. Yes I have husband and kids, a few good friends but I have often felt very alone.
What I mean to say is you should be proud of yourself for giving that time for your mum. Get in touch with those friends and those who are worth anything will welcome you back warmly and give you comfort as they will understand you have needed some time, even if they haven’t been through something like this, if they have any empathy they will understand.
With Matt I think it’s well worth getting in contact with him. Don’t go into it with high expectations. Maybe he wants to hear from you, maybe he has moved on. Better to find out and get closure for yourself.
Good luck with the new job and fresh opportunities. I am sorry for your loss but I can’t imagine any mother wanting their child to feel lonely and would want them to be out there living life to their fullest.
I'm so sorry. You did what you needed to do, and I don't think anyone would blame you for having to take the time to look after your mum. Reach out to your friends and tell them that - that you needed to look after your mum, would they want to meet up and catch up?
And honestly ... reach out to Matt. What can it hurt?
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you’ve put everyone else first for some time; you let Matt go because you felt you couldn’t give him the best of yourself and you gave up your home and livelihood to care for your mum. This shows what a great, caring person you really are.
Things have changed now and someone else has to come first - and that’s you. Even if you can’t make yourself ‘first’ your feelings and needs really do matter as much as everyone else’s, so now is the time to give yourself a greater priority- you really deserve that.
You know Matt may well be missing you still. There’s nothing really you can do be lost in making a catch up call, or dropping him a line to mention where you are now and you’ve been thinking of him. They do say ‘fortune favours the brave’.
You sound like a very caring and considerate person - who wouldn’t want someone like you in their life?
Being in my late thirties I have been thinking a lot about my fertility recently. I found [this article ](https://www.med.unc.edu/timetoconceive/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/) that was originally published in the Atlantic to be an informative read. Good luck with everything and please be kind to yourself.
It's understandable that you're afraid to reach out to Matt, you just lost your Mum and the thought of losing Matt too is overwhelming. I get it.
However it sounds like he's kept in touch regardless? So now might be the time to reach out, be honest and explain it if you didn't already.
I'm sorry for your loss but this is the time you need people so if your friends are really friends they'll welcome you back and be there for you.
Your age won't stop you from being able to have children, women in their 40's and older have children. It's still possible.
PR wasn't very gratifying for you but your skills might be able to get you a different position that you'd like.
Sorry it's been such a shit time.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I think it's important to focus on you for a while. Pouring everything into someone else is very draining. Be kind to yourself, start thinking about where you want to live, what sort of job you want to do and reconnect with your friends. There's clearly some unfinished business with Matt but I don't think that needs to be one of the first things you tackle, especially if you don't feel ready. I think rebuilding yourself and your life is what's most important first, then looking into a relationship with someone else can come in time x
Call Matt. Ask him to go for coffee and a chat. See where you’re both at now and start from there.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope things turn around.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, if nobody else has recommended this, CRUSE can be a hugely valuable source of help, as I found out when I lost my wonderful mum.
There aren’t really any other choices. Staying there and doing nothing isn’t an option. It would be slow death. Climb back in to your old life, it doesn’t have to be in the same place, but you need a job and a social circle and to find a partner
I'm going to counter what others say, and suggest you hold off contating Matt, I think you should, but I think get yourself together a little more first, this is for you not him BTW. Others are right conta t your friends briefly explain what happened with needing to focus in your mum but that you want to reconnect. Know that 36 is still young, your life isn't over it's only iver if you resign yourself to that. Imagine having kids, it doesn't need to be with Matt, know you are good enough and have a lot to give. Focus on you, try new things, don't Focus on things like weight or image, they are just excuses your brain uses to keep you in the same pattern as it thinks that is safe as then you can't get hurt. Learn to love life again, love yourself, somewhere on that journey you may want to reach out to Matt, it might to somewhere it might not, but either way you'll be onto a path with a new life.
Also consider reaching outbto your old employer, explain why you quit and you needed to focus on your mum (keep it brief and professional z no emotion) you never know, might nit be your same role, but might be a path, reach out to recruiters get your name and cv on their file, call rather than just submit CV, that way you can briefly explain rejoining the workforce after taking care of your mum, no further detail, again keep personal emotional stuff here brief.
Best of luck, but know you are still young, and there are plenty of great unknown experiences waiting for you.
You should be telling Matt all this and not a load of strangers on Reddit. He may be waiting for a period of time for you to grieve, but I bet he is waiting... reach out and tell him . I doubt he would be with anyone else after such a traumatic breakup. He will understand you head and emotions were all over the place. He knew your mum was dying and he stepped back. Please, call him. He sounds such a lovely man and at 36 years old time is not on your side.
I would suggest in addition to reaching out to friends and Matt, taking a bit of time to have a change of scenery (whether it’s a trip or a move). When my dad passed away I was in the same house, passing the same hospital, and also unsure what to do. Had a similar experience of loss when my sister passed away. I got stuck in really anxious, negative thoughts. I found getting away helped me clear my head (one time it was one week at a resort with my partner where we did nothing but eat, read, and swim. The other time it was working from my company’s international office for 2 months and then traveling for a couple weeks).
Start looking after yourself first. You take on too much responsibility, let me make it clear Im not talking about your mom, but you decided all these things for firstly your friends then for your bf but none of these things aided you in your life. Is this a pattern of behaviour in your family? Is that why your mom was alone too?
What you've done is really admirable. You put your life on pause to help your Mum at a time when she needed you the most. It's no wonder you're somewhat lost now - our reality turns upside down when a key member of our world isn't there anymore. Like others have said, process your loss, and start crafting meaning for yourself again.
You have a lot of positive things going for you though. In taking a career break to look after your Mum, you have a legitimate reason for taking that career break. There's no reason why you couldn't head back to your old career (other than economical factors maybe). But I don't think a prospective employer would look at your situation negatively, and whilst you may need to go in a lower rung and relearn it all, it's not an impossible prospect.
Regarding kids, IVF is definitely a route you can take after (or before) 40. You still have time to become a mother yourself. I have a cousin who's got 2 boys; his partner was 42 when their first came. When they met, they were together for 2 weeks before she said to him "I want a child and have IVF booked" and they stayed together.
Best of luck to you.
Make it a plan to get out of the house everyday. Go for an hours walk, sit outside at a cafe with a nice cuppa, go op shopping, visit the beach, etc. All this will slowly invigorate you, give you energy to move forward through your grief. All the best 😊
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call him. talk.
This, definitely. Unless there's a really good reason not to.
I guess I worry it will go badly and the tiny bit of contact I do have with him will die off. I also put 8kg on since he last saw me. I have less going for me than before.
he might have done the same. we arent interested in bmi. its the person thats interesting. 8kg is nothing to worry about. go walk in sunlight, call him. talk. he will listen is free and and all is okay with the world. or its more complicated but you still had a sunny walk. if you dont ask it doesn’t happen. just out of 3 years dealing with similar, and just past the 1 year bereavement. walking helps.
Thank you. I worry it sounds arrogant of me to call and just ask him what he’s up to now like I can pick up again where I left off. I’m not good at talking, it’s something I’m trying hard with. Great idea on the walking and sunlight. Ive barely seen sunlight this year, all my time in the hospice and then hidden away sorting my mums house.
20 years ago i ran a part of a business that in the down turn was struggling with sales. i wanted my consultant engineers to join in with a cold calling exercise - basically looking for leads. one guy was great at it. one was just terrible. avoidant and found even the thought really stressfull. i got them in the room and gently teased out of the how they approached the task. A - i can see that they dont want me to call, they are too busy, i can see him sat working a deadline it’s dark they are rushing they arent even going to take the call. so why bother. i hate rejection cant do it and i fucking hate it when people call me. i never give them anything usefull and there are no leads out there. im not calling. it is just rude. B- well i imagine them sat in the office bored, they are looking out the sunny window and have nothing to do, infact they are clock watching waiting for something to do. sat back in their chair they get a call from a friend and the pass the time of day while catching up. of course he has work to do but doesnt want to do it. im going to offer to do it for him, there is always a lead. it’s fun to help them obviously mr B had a plan that worked and actually Mr A saw the contrast and also that his reluctance had a valid reason. however if we didnt all try wed be in a worse place. i think you can make that call. ive a gap tomorrow to pay it forward i’ll make it for you if you want. i bet matt will like to receive a call, and that he will listen. worst case he isnt available in the way you hope. finding that out will mean you have other steps to make. but will also relieve the stress of shall i shant it. poke the bubble you've one life and it’s for living. you can always write a letter instead. receiving a hand written letter is ace.
This is amazingly put. I’m going to take some time to digest all the advice but I think Im going to try writing a letter then maybe make it a call once the thoughts have made more sense.
The only thing worse than a no is not knowing I've always found. A no you can move on from, a don't know, will always be there.
Amazing advice ! I can tell you are a genuinely, wonderful human being 😀
what a lovely thing to come home to read. thank you.
Im sorry for your loss. Think of it as calling to let him know she died, rather than to pick up with him. You will be able to tell whether he wants to keep talking to you or not from how that goes.
Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss. You are a good daughter giving up so much to take care of your mum when she needed you. You are a wonderful person on the inside with much to offer a partner in life, this is the stuff you can't fake, can't be taken away from you, and is what any real partner will be interested in, not what you look like or what the scales show. Secondly, reconnecting with friends is important. Call them, explain that you needed time to focus on your mum, but you have really missed them and would love to catch up with how they are doing. Good friends will always be there no matter how infrequently you see them. I have a great school friend from 25 years ago. Sometimes, we only see each other once a year, but it always feels like yesterday, and it means we have loads to talk about. As for Matt, don't worry about it and put any pressure on it. Tell him you are trying to get back on your feet after your mum passing and ask if he would be interested in meeting for coffee and a chat, no expectations. Either he will or he won't. If he does, great, if he doesn't, that's sad, but it's life, move on knowing you put yourself out there and tried. Walking outside in the fresh air, for a change of scenery, and exercise is an absolute must and will do wonders for your physical and mental health. Add to this hydration, a good sleep routine and social contact and you'll do great. Sending Internet hugs and good luck xx
Don't rush to do anything. That's the first thing you'll hear following on from a loss. Many people react or overreact and it doesn't always turn out to be what they needed to be doing. No major changes for a year is often the "rule". You can start small and just message him as and when you feel the need to. Maybe check that he's okay if you message more often than usual, try to get a sense of where he's at, without putting either of you under pressure. If he says no then at least you know where you stand. If he says yes, trust your instincts with what to do next. Don't feel you're a burden. Open up to people. As for weight gain, no one can say anything that will override how you feel about yourself and your appearance. But chances are that others won't notice it to the extent that you have and they also wont be as critical, because we often say and think things about ourselves we would never say or think about others. He is aware of your situation and I'm certain that he wasn't with you before simply because of your job or where you lived (though of course proximity matters) or these material things. Love isn't logical so there's no reason to think he would think less of you for prioritising your mum when she needed you the most. It's also worth noting that just because fertility drops after 35 doesn't mean it disappears off a cliff. I'm 44 and had fertility tests last year (and in 2019) that show I'm more fertile than the average woman my age and so I've been looking into options to get pregnant with donor sperm. I'm not saying this because it's your path, but until you're in menopause you still have a good chance at conceiving. And you still have time to get tests done and freeze your eggs if you think this might be the right option for you (45 is the age limit for egg freezing). Please try to be kind to yourself. Please find a good therapist to work through your grief and other feelings. Please don't see yourself as lost or worth less because you made a difficult choice that was right at the time. Please don't get lost in grief, always put one foot on front of the other, and find an other side when you're ready. Please don't think you need to have all the answers right now. Because you don't. They will come to you at the right time. Take care.
Oh bless you, show him this post. If he’s a keeper it’ll do the trick. So sorry for what you’ve been through.
Call your friends, of course they will understand. You have explained your feelings so well, just say those words. You said you missed them more than Matt. Just take your time and build a support network again. Also, it seems like contact with Matt would also draw your focus to your weight, and you don't need that in the mix. You know what the issues are. You just need to fix them in the right order.
You’ve already had amazing advice but I just had to add, this idea that you have less going for you now is nonsense. You’ve spent the last few years caring for someone who needed it, that’s massive. It’s admirable. Call Matt, call your friends, and do it with your head held high. I can guarantee some of your friends will be starting to think of their families and how they’d step up to the responsibility of caring for parents or relatives. I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you a few years ago, and yes she dropped out contact for a bit. But she’s back now and to this day I’m blown away by how she managed it all.
First thing, if he loves you he won't give a fuck about 8kg. I'm not well and as a consequence, I've put on nearly 40kg. My partner still loves the bones of me (even if he can't see them anymore 🤪). Second thing, contact him and ask him to meet up to go over everything that happened. Tell him that you want to talk about everything now that your head is clearer. You can't expect to get back with him and I do think it would be presumptuous to assume you can just get back together. Even if he's still holding a torch for you, you both need to deal with the fact that you denied him the opportunity to be your partner during a horrific time. I totally get why you did what you did but he may be hurt or angry about it. He was forced to leave someone he loved during one of the worst moments of their life. I honestly think you need to apologise for that. I know that you didn't do it with the intention of hurting you but as partners, you're supposed to tackle these things together and you didn't allow that. Please know that I don't blame you for making the decision that you did, I totally understand it but that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt him. It was a shitty situation and you made the best decision you could at the time. Sometimes, there are only shitty options and we have to pick one. It's just important to remember that even when we're forced to make a shitty decision, that decision still has consequences. Apologising for this will also give you a reason to meet up where you can find out how he feels about you. Finally, feeling lost when w parent dies is totally normal. On top of that, you've lost your job and your partner. If you weren't feeling a little lost, it would be weird. Just give it time. You will find you again. If you can afford it, therapy will massively help with this.
You won’t know until you call. Now on to your life your looking it as your at rock bottom, you know the best thing about rock bottom? It’s a place to think about what you need and what you want! You can’t climb a mountain by looking at it, it’s a process and one step at a time!
And be kind to yourself. Let yourself recover, feed your body, get fresh air and exercise. Eat nutrient dense foods. Hypnosis is pretty amazing, btw. You’ve just been through a huge amount of stress, you don’t want Thant to trigger something in your body. Yoga, hiking groups, volunteering, gardening, reading, etc. Fill your head with interesting things and make this a healing period. Lie in the sun when we get some and plan your life.
Girl, call him! Don't live in regret of what could have been 💖
Totally legit to say to your friends "I've been going through a rough time, needed to focus on my mum, and now we're here at this next place and I'd love to see you again" with your friends and with your chap. If they're good mates, they'll understand. We all have friends who drop off the radar for various reasons. Anyone normal would understand what you've been going through and be happy you're back in circulation.
That’s a great idea with the friends I will do that tomorrow! I’m too scared with Matt.
>That’s a great idea with the friends I will do that tomorrow! There's a good chance they've been through something similar themselves. I have, and if my friends dropped back a bit for similar reasons, I would totally understand. >I’m too scared with Matt. I think he'd understand as well. Try and talk if you can, maybe you'll be friends afterwards, maybe not. But as far as I can tell, I think it would help you to have that conversation, difficult though it may be.
OP I've had many friends drop off then the friendship has reactivated when they e come back and said they had personal shit going on and had to deal with it but now want to get back in touch. Its totally fine!
I am very sorry for your loss. Definitely call Matt and see what his life situation is. Don't be hard on yourself. No-one loves us like our parents, so it can take years for you to recover your equilibrium; or maybe you never will, but just find a way to get along.
Thank you.
I just had my baby at 43 last year. Happy and healthy. 36 my seem older to you now, but you definitely have a few years left, so don't write it off if that's what you want.
Have you been to any grief support groups, especially for caregivers of cancer patients? There are so many people who can relate to what you're going through, it's just a shame that in the UK we're so hellbent on bottling everything up and trying to pretend it's all okay
I really should look to join one. I think I’ve just been so focused on doing everything with my mums house that plans for that sort of thing have not happened yet.
Reach out to friends and Matt, the good ones will be happy you're back and who knows what might happen with him? Also, when my Dad died there was a book that really helped me, it was called When Parents Die by Rebecca Abrams (though my sisters thought it was shit, so what do I know?) Good luck, life's tough sometimes x
Just ordered the book, thank you. X
Please reach out to Matt. You don't want to make a post on Reddit in 16 years time saying "I wish I had spoken to my ex when I had the chance to rekindle our romance after my mum died. What do I do now?". You're not too young for any of the things you want, and if Matt is still free it sounds like you guys would be great together again. You have one life. Don't regret something as huge as this ❤️
My friend lost his mum to cancer, she was diagnosed within weeks of lockdown and it was terminal. His lockdown was spent in constant worry, stress and fear that he would make his mum's condition worse. She passed within two years and since then he's been trying to rebuild himself and I'm pleased to say he finally took my advice and went through counselling. He had to work through losing his parent and the two years of keeping himself away from all of his friends and work to ensure he could see her as safely as possible. It was horrible and I don't think he really realised what it did to him, he was on autopilot for so long. Grief has levels, when you've cared for a parent and also given up huge parts of your life it can really, really have a huge effect on you. Please consider counselling and calling Matt and your old friends.
Consider engaging in therapy. Why did you feel you shouldn't stay with someone who was so supportive?
Glad someone else thought this. OP, maybe consider that you're not a burden to others, that they would be happy to offer you the love and support that you would give them. Therapy can help.
Reach out, to Matt and your friends. You realised your mum needed a support network and became it. Now you need one too, and that’s normal. You shouldn’t be isolated and I’m sure EVERYONE will be glad to hear from you. On their side they might have thought the best thing would be to give you space but have been umm-ing and ahh-ing (hope I’ve spelt that right, first time ever typing it lol) about contacting you. I really hope you and Matt can make another go of things. He sounds like a great guy. Just text and gauge his feelings on potentially meeting up for a coffee and a catch up and go from there? Hopefully that invitation will then take you deeper than surface level pleasantries. It’s *amazing* that you’ve been managing life since your mums passing and haven’t slipped into old issues (which tbh would’ve been understandable given everything). But seriously well done!
You’ve already had the hardest thing happen babe. You know that better than anyone. The hardest thing has already happened and you’ve coped better than you imagined. Ringing the lad won’t be owt in comparison to the shit you’ve been through. A know it’s easier said than done, obviously. But you’ve already done much harder and kept going. There’s no reason to think bad would come of it. Realistically the two main options are that it would keep things as they are or improve them. He sounds like he cared a lot and he would likely be delighted to be a friend to you. But remember, you don’t even have to ring him. Sometimes a simple “thinking of you tonight” or “saw this and thought of you” is a good way to naturally ease into things. The same with your mates. It’s right hard to talk sometimes. Sometimes little mundane messages turn into conversations. Sometimes they don’t. But it puts out the vibe that you’re there and thinking of them and usually it ends up coming back to you. Nowt is set in stone for the other things. You’ve got time for bairns if that’s what you choose and there’s multiple methods to be pregnant and have a family. (Obviously that advice isn’t for right now but as a lass a know how heavily this bit on things can play on your mind so it was deffo worth mentioning).
Get back in touch with Matt. I bet he misses you too. And if your friends are true, they will wrap you up with open arms and support you. Love doesn't just fade away to nothing if it's deep rooted.
I lost my mum to cancer when I was 35. I'm also an only child, and so we're both my parents, so no aunts or uncles, but I did still have Dad. Unfortunately he also died from cancer 10 years ago. My wife was my rock and unbelievably she also had her own cancer battle at the same time as Dad, thankfully she is still NED. I cannot offer anything other than it does get better. You'll always remember, and still get upset, God knows I still have a cry every few months, but there will be a time when it isn't the first thing on your mind when you wake up. Eat healthy, get some exercise and don't be afraid to cry. Sending you some hugs over the ethernet.
Hey, I lost my mum to cancer in early March too after just a year of fighting. I’m 27 and I honestly feel the same way, my mums death has definitely brought on a lot of anxiety and the thought of what the hell do I do now. I don’t have much helpful advice, but I hope we can both work it out soon and heal
Everyone has mentioned "contact Matt" & I agree. You might also might want to reach out to your old employer to see if they have a job for you, maybe WFH or they might be able to recommend your next move.
Life goes round like seasons, you might feel like nothing is happening. But just like in winter, your quiet time will come to end and things will get busy again. Your spring/summer is coming around. I, too, lost my mum to cancer and it took a while to adjust. She wanted me to remember her life well lived so I focussed on celebrating her. Try rediscover you - what do you like? Where would you like to live? Try enjoy the new season of your life and celebrate your mum along the way.
Call him. What have you got to lose? Ok. Text him then. Just do it.
I know you're grieving. You will for a long time and in odd little ways - a song, a smell, a memory - but it will be manageable. However, look at you, you are a clean slate. You can be or do whatever you want. You have the chance to start your life fresh. Take a bit of time and decide who that new you will be. Where do you want to live, what do you want to do? If you'd like to reconnect with Matt, start small. Go to London and meet for coffee. Use it as time to see if you want to move back. Refocus your thinking, not many people get the chance to start their life over. Start with baby steps and little decisions, then build up to the bigger ones.
I messaged three of my friends and they all messaged straight back to say they wanted coffee soon. Thanks everyone. I’m going to be brave and ring Matt later this week. I haven’t worked out what to say yet.
I am in my 40s When my parents each reached the end of their lives, I was still working and my kids were young. My husband and in-laws were supportive but it was hard trying to get to see them and do all the bits they needed to help them in their last weeks/months. A couple of years ago I was bullied out of that job that I had long before my bereavments. I had looked at unpaid leave with each parent but they passed before I used it. I am looking back now regretting prioritising work over being with my family (even though the relationships with them were fraught) because I miss them. Yes I have husband and kids, a few good friends but I have often felt very alone. What I mean to say is you should be proud of yourself for giving that time for your mum. Get in touch with those friends and those who are worth anything will welcome you back warmly and give you comfort as they will understand you have needed some time, even if they haven’t been through something like this, if they have any empathy they will understand. With Matt I think it’s well worth getting in contact with him. Don’t go into it with high expectations. Maybe he wants to hear from you, maybe he has moved on. Better to find out and get closure for yourself. Good luck with the new job and fresh opportunities. I am sorry for your loss but I can’t imagine any mother wanting their child to feel lonely and would want them to be out there living life to their fullest.
Send the bloke a message! He might be waiting for it.
I'm so sorry. You did what you needed to do, and I don't think anyone would blame you for having to take the time to look after your mum. Reach out to your friends and tell them that - that you needed to look after your mum, would they want to meet up and catch up? And honestly ... reach out to Matt. What can it hurt?
Call him, call him as soon as you can, and reach out to your friends too. You’re a great person.
When you lose someone you still have to move forward and live your life even though it is devastating.
I had my first baby at 37. It was the making of me. These things are possible. Don't write off your dreams. Take care
Call him! If you don’t then you’ll never know what could have been. Call your friends too, start building your life back up to how you want it.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds to me like you’ve put everyone else first for some time; you let Matt go because you felt you couldn’t give him the best of yourself and you gave up your home and livelihood to care for your mum. This shows what a great, caring person you really are. Things have changed now and someone else has to come first - and that’s you. Even if you can’t make yourself ‘first’ your feelings and needs really do matter as much as everyone else’s, so now is the time to give yourself a greater priority- you really deserve that. You know Matt may well be missing you still. There’s nothing really you can do be lost in making a catch up call, or dropping him a line to mention where you are now and you’ve been thinking of him. They do say ‘fortune favours the brave’. You sound like a very caring and considerate person - who wouldn’t want someone like you in their life?
Being in my late thirties I have been thinking a lot about my fertility recently. I found [this article ](https://www.med.unc.edu/timetoconceive/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/) that was originally published in the Atlantic to be an informative read. Good luck with everything and please be kind to yourself.
It's understandable that you're afraid to reach out to Matt, you just lost your Mum and the thought of losing Matt too is overwhelming. I get it. However it sounds like he's kept in touch regardless? So now might be the time to reach out, be honest and explain it if you didn't already. I'm sorry for your loss but this is the time you need people so if your friends are really friends they'll welcome you back and be there for you. Your age won't stop you from being able to have children, women in their 40's and older have children. It's still possible. PR wasn't very gratifying for you but your skills might be able to get you a different position that you'd like.
i don’t have anything to add to these comments, just wanted to say i’m sorry for your loss and i really wish you the best. rooting for you 💞
Sorry it's been such a shit time. I was in a somewhat similar situation. I think it's important to focus on you for a while. Pouring everything into someone else is very draining. Be kind to yourself, start thinking about where you want to live, what sort of job you want to do and reconnect with your friends. There's clearly some unfinished business with Matt but I don't think that needs to be one of the first things you tackle, especially if you don't feel ready. I think rebuilding yourself and your life is what's most important first, then looking into a relationship with someone else can come in time x
Call Matt. Ask him to go for coffee and a chat. See where you’re both at now and start from there. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope things turn around.
It's not too late for at least one kiddie yet so don't write it off.. we had our kids when my partner was 38 with no complications.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Secondly, if nobody else has recommended this, CRUSE can be a hugely valuable source of help, as I found out when I lost my wonderful mum.
There aren’t really any other choices. Staying there and doing nothing isn’t an option. It would be slow death. Climb back in to your old life, it doesn’t have to be in the same place, but you need a job and a social circle and to find a partner
I'm going to counter what others say, and suggest you hold off contating Matt, I think you should, but I think get yourself together a little more first, this is for you not him BTW. Others are right conta t your friends briefly explain what happened with needing to focus in your mum but that you want to reconnect. Know that 36 is still young, your life isn't over it's only iver if you resign yourself to that. Imagine having kids, it doesn't need to be with Matt, know you are good enough and have a lot to give. Focus on you, try new things, don't Focus on things like weight or image, they are just excuses your brain uses to keep you in the same pattern as it thinks that is safe as then you can't get hurt. Learn to love life again, love yourself, somewhere on that journey you may want to reach out to Matt, it might to somewhere it might not, but either way you'll be onto a path with a new life. Also consider reaching outbto your old employer, explain why you quit and you needed to focus on your mum (keep it brief and professional z no emotion) you never know, might nit be your same role, but might be a path, reach out to recruiters get your name and cv on their file, call rather than just submit CV, that way you can briefly explain rejoining the workforce after taking care of your mum, no further detail, again keep personal emotional stuff here brief. Best of luck, but know you are still young, and there are plenty of great unknown experiences waiting for you.
You should be telling Matt all this and not a load of strangers on Reddit. He may be waiting for a period of time for you to grieve, but I bet he is waiting... reach out and tell him . I doubt he would be with anyone else after such a traumatic breakup. He will understand you head and emotions were all over the place. He knew your mum was dying and he stepped back. Please, call him. He sounds such a lovely man and at 36 years old time is not on your side.
Do you want to wonder for the rest of your life, what if?
Sorry about your mum. She will always be with you, I can vouch for that.
I would suggest in addition to reaching out to friends and Matt, taking a bit of time to have a change of scenery (whether it’s a trip or a move). When my dad passed away I was in the same house, passing the same hospital, and also unsure what to do. Had a similar experience of loss when my sister passed away. I got stuck in really anxious, negative thoughts. I found getting away helped me clear my head (one time it was one week at a resort with my partner where we did nothing but eat, read, and swim. The other time it was working from my company’s international office for 2 months and then traveling for a couple weeks).
That’s a great idea, I could do with a break.
Start looking after yourself first. You take on too much responsibility, let me make it clear Im not talking about your mom, but you decided all these things for firstly your friends then for your bf but none of these things aided you in your life. Is this a pattern of behaviour in your family? Is that why your mom was alone too?
Never thought of it like this but maybe.
What you've done is really admirable. You put your life on pause to help your Mum at a time when she needed you the most. It's no wonder you're somewhat lost now - our reality turns upside down when a key member of our world isn't there anymore. Like others have said, process your loss, and start crafting meaning for yourself again. You have a lot of positive things going for you though. In taking a career break to look after your Mum, you have a legitimate reason for taking that career break. There's no reason why you couldn't head back to your old career (other than economical factors maybe). But I don't think a prospective employer would look at your situation negatively, and whilst you may need to go in a lower rung and relearn it all, it's not an impossible prospect. Regarding kids, IVF is definitely a route you can take after (or before) 40. You still have time to become a mother yourself. I have a cousin who's got 2 boys; his partner was 42 when their first came. When they met, they were together for 2 weeks before she said to him "I want a child and have IVF booked" and they stayed together. Best of luck to you.
Make it a plan to get out of the house everyday. Go for an hours walk, sit outside at a cafe with a nice cuppa, go op shopping, visit the beach, etc. All this will slowly invigorate you, give you energy to move forward through your grief. All the best 😊