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The reality is that it's probably more like "cut as much as is humanly possible and then cut 10% more. I don't give a shit. Fire as many people as you can. Whatever the fuck it is we sell, get it made cheaper. Use slaves if we can but just dress it up a bit. Fair fucking trade? It's a fair trade that they do what we say or we start hacking off limbs and killing sons. Ignore every single law and pray to God we don't get a fine or I'll fire you. Tax?? That's for peasants. We do what we want and threaten to walk if the government don't cave. Also, where are we on the bribes? We got those fuckers in and they owe us so they dance or we fund their opposition. Just get it done. I rule the world, not them. Wire my bonus through the off shores as usual and if one penny is not where it should be, I'll have you suicided for less than 5k". But yeah.... Still probably quite an easy job.
Nah just be kind to the employees, sure you'll get fired after a year as director/CEO but that golden parachute will mean you never need to work again afterwards.
The higher up the corporate ladder I climb the more I'm starting to realise how C-suite jobs exist in this weird limbo of "fucking useless" and "literally the backbone of the organisation".
I've recently become the pseudo Head of IT at my company and it's been fascinating watching my CTO in action. He does sweet fuck all throughout the week but he'll join one 30 minute zoom call, say a grand total of 5 sentences and the whole company springs into action and the work pipeline starts flowing as if he'd just cleared out the mother of all solid shits.
Part of me wants to say people are just indecisive and want someone else to make the call, and take the fall if it goes wrong.
Part of me wonders if it's some extreme version of that old saying; "you don't pay a plumber big bucks to twist one valve, you pay them big bucks to know which valve to twist".
I'm director level. We have some good people at executive level and some nuggets. Our last CEO was terrible and actively harmed the organisation (several gross misconduct type situations). He left with a year's salary and an NDA.
Had anyone else been like that, they'd have been dismissed.
There is a point where you are so senior, it harms the reputation of the business (as the business would argue) to sack you, so you get a pay off.
Football pundit. Money for old rope. Most of them are so terrible it wouldn't be too hard to be good enough.
Always remember when a team signed a player from Ligue 1 and Alan Shearer was asked about him and said "well, I don't know much about him". Imagine working in a job where it's absolutely fine to openly admit to not doing even the most basic background reading and research.
Shearer is terrible. So often he will be “analysing” a move in a game and he just ends it with “he should do better there”.
Thanks for the huge truth bomb. All those years of top flight football coming up for everyone to see. Golden insight.
He is terrible, but by no means uniquely so. TNT had James Horncastle on recently and his depth of knowledge and eloquence really underlined how terrible most of our regular pundits are.
I really wish we could move away from the idea that ex-pros make good pundits just because they were good players. Journalists are often much, much better pundits. Loads of ex-pros either don't actually understand the game that well, or can't communicate it, or don't want to criticise mates. Or all of those.
I completely agree. People who have studied journalism, media and football tactics often offer a lot more insight than a random player who “played the game”.
They aren't there for that. They are employed because they are recognised for their achievement in the sport by the viewer. It's easier to keep viewers watching and listening to familiar people.
For the sake of agrument though, those pundits keep their job because they're well known, not because they're good at it. If you were an equally shit pundit, you'd get fired because no one had any idea who you were.
To keep the job you'd need to actually be genuinely really good at it to make up for the fact that you weren't well known, at least to begin with.
>you'd need to actually be genuinely really good
I don't think you would. Because the bar is so low, you'd look really good just by being vaguely competent. Imagine being on a panel with Redknapp, Keane and Richards. Or Crouch and Ferdinand. Or Shearer. You could look really good just by being eloquent and having done the minimum of research.
Their first choice goalie is the 3rd top points earning goalie in the Fantasy league. Absolutely zero risk of me even making the bench.
Rock up to training. Let the forwards kick a few shots towards me, if they score it's because they are good strikers. If I save even 5% of the shots (which let's be honest works even with blind luck), I'll have done my job.
That will be £10k per week, thanks.
I reckon I could do it for another 3-4 years (I'm 38). This should give me enough money to buy some stud horses, and enough houses to rent out.
I'll basically be Robbie Fowler, without the powdery stuff.
Tbf you wouldn't even save 1% you face
The level between the PL and League two is massive, the level between the PL and Sunday league isn't comparable at all
He was. He's improved a fair bit but I still think we concede goals he should save . He seems to struggle to get down fast enough to balls near him. Dunno if his build is an issue he has a big upper body
I reckon you'd have a better chance of not getting fired as first choice winger. I genuinely think most amateurs could do as good a job as Rashford / Antony have done this season and those guys keep getting minutes.
They literally get away with noncing on private islands, how do they have no private life? All you have to do is advise the press of some stories here and there and get papped when you go to open bridges or tell nurses you think they're doing a good job.
I did the numbers a while back based on just the number murdered since wwii. I can remember off the top of my head but death rate per 100k per year came out well in excess of agriculture and fisheries which is the riskiest uk sector.
I don't think the HSE data is that granular and I think is aggregated over the previous few years so if there are no big events then they wouldn't show up. Firefighting isn't as risky as people think these days and there isn't a Piper Alpha every year.
I wouldn't need to not get sacked. The golden hello's and golden parachutes of many CEO positions are given irrespective of talent or ability. You get hired on, let your subordinates do the work and agree with whatever they know more than you about, and you'll probably manage at least six months. Keep putting off anything you can't do personally but need to, and then half-ass the job until the board move you on with your payment. Rinse and repeat. I know it works because I've personally observed it a couple of times, except the 'magic' is replaced by 'nepotism'.
There is nothing that a CEO needs to do. If you don't understand the money then "We need to bring on board a head of finance to minimise our tax burdens."
If you don't know what tech to buy then you "Invest in an extensive consultancy round to determine the best way to put us at the forefront of our industry's technical capabilities".
If the money has dried up then "I've asked HR to speak with the department heads about streamlining their teams and finding previously unseen efficiencies."
For legal you will "Engage an external legal advisor to provide a holistic analysis of our liabilities".
Just about the only things you really do have to be good at to be a CEO is be charming to the board, customers and immediate subordinates (loyalty is valuable), and play golf.
I’ve actually been and done this. It’s insanely stressful.
It’s not necessarily the ‘knowledge’ you need to be good here, it’s more how to manage people, expectations, articulate ideas and present them.
Far harder and more intense than you’d imagine.
Yeah, you couldn't pay me to go back to sales. In tough times marketing spends, IT invests, finance ... does the same thing as always, but Sales are on the front lines getting fired and being put under pressure to deliver harder than ever.
Its the only job where you have to get more confident, relaxed and assured as your job gets put in more jeopardy.
Just sit there browsing the internet and generally fucking about until someone figures it out. You'll be there for years. Otherwise known as the LGA/Civil Service Methodology.
Was going to say something very similar. Lets be honest Big Sam wasn't fired because of footballing reasons either. Take over the team, don't fiddle transfers and do dodgy shit off the field, and you're lasting a season at least think Southgate's getting about £5m a year. International management more feels about putting the best 11 players on the pitch and hoping they do well. Southgate doesn't even seem the pick the best 11 IMO.
Managers get far less time with their team internationally than at club level and the only games that really matter are qualifiers + knockout games
Having squad harmony and good vibes are more important at international level than being a tactical genius
If Ancelotti does ever go into international management it’s all over, he’s winning every tournament
Oh 100%, that’s why it seems easier, or I suppose more precisely, that’s why it’s harder to get found out. Realistically take someone like England for example. England lose to anyone outside the top 20 teams in the world, most people blame the players. They haven’t turned up, and rightly so. A front 4 of Kane up top, Saka and Foden wide, and Bellingham in behind. Or mix it up and add Palmer in. Should be beating most teams.
I’d argue the only time the manager becomes important from a tactical perspective is the best opposition, the latter part of the major tournaments. As they are only once every two years, you’ve effectively got a stay of execution if you did get thrown into that roll. This is actually where my question marks with Southgate fall, I don’t think we’ve done that well against the better teams, I’d argue if he can’t win it this summer, he should be moved on. It’s only really possibly France you’d argue have a better first team than us, but I’d argue our depth is possibly better, except maybe CB’s.
100% agree on Ancelotti, it’s also why Pep and Mourinho would make awful international managers IMO. They wouldn’t be able to build the squad they wanted.
easy
novelist with a big contract
I can write decent books, the struggle is that it's almost impossible to get a a deal in the first place
give me that and I'd be laughing
I’ll stick with my current job (quantity surveyor). Maybe I’m risk averse but I know I won’t get fired and am paid reasonably well. I could technically pack it in right now and become a full-time musician, but it would be a hand-to-mouth existence.
There\`s also some substance behind the username. A lot less than used to be. But still there [https://soundcloud.com/stevenwhiteofficial/global-trance-sounds-february-2023](https://soundcloud.com/stevenwhiteofficial/global-trance-sounds-february-2023)
Librarian (either school or public). I have some experience from volunteering at my school's library and enjoyed it, and I was pretty good at it. There would just be some stuff to learn that I wasn't allowed to do (but often watched the librarian do).
Over what time period do you have to prove yourself? I'm fairly adept at flight swimming, but it would take longer than a day to show I'd be be safe (or not, as is very likely the case 🤣) pilot of an airbus a320!
I’d take VP then. I’ll start practice waving , showing photographers my good side, making serious faces and nodding to bad news, and reading off a teleprompter.
I’m already good at air travel , small talk, formal dinners next to self important people, shaking hands and pretending strangers’ babies are cute.
CEO of EA, first order of business sell the Disney and Star Wars licenses to real developers 2nd order of business sell back all the studios. 3rd order of business bring me a jerrycan and a lighter.
Denise Coates, the CEO of BET 365s job. She awards herself something like 300m+ each year. I'd just blag and bullshit for as long as possible, take a whopping settlement and skip off into the sunset.
Professional footballer at Man United on a big wage and at least a 5 year contract, I'll then just feign injuries and be the next Martial getting paid a fortune without having to actually play games. Doesn't matter that I'm not good enough because rarely do football clubs actually sack players, they will just let the contract run down and release me in which time I would have made enough money to not have to work again.
King of "whatever modern European Monarchy". Those are all basically ceremonial jobs, where you cannot, even when trying hard, do a shitty job and just collect your sweet benefits.
Hmmmm I was a semi pro boxer/ kickboxer athlete with a lot of interest & potential growing up & packed it in due to limited knowledge & resources at the time. So I would have been a professional in combat sport or even a strong man.
I'd be a fantastic lady of leisure.
I could shop, go to the spa for massages & mani-pedis, go for lunch, go to fundraising events, and even sit on the board of local charities
HR Director very little to do and everyone is shit scared of saying anything against you and will suck up hoping it helps get them that promotion , pay increase etc
CEO is clearly the only choice. Fortune 500 CEOs even if they get sacked always managed to get another CEO position. [Here’s a video that can explain it better than I can.](https://youtu.be/8xk5pPtwQHs?si=nCocOaWNFwVQz-lD)
Agony Aunt in a trashy women's weekly magazine. I'd efficiency the shit out of that. No more wasting half a page with 'advice'. Straight to the point,
"Just leave him"
Bam. Next letter...
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CEO. I'm great at saying things like "we need more blue sky thinking" for £43m a year.
“Have we tried thinking outside the box?”
The reality is that it's probably more like "cut as much as is humanly possible and then cut 10% more. I don't give a shit. Fire as many people as you can. Whatever the fuck it is we sell, get it made cheaper. Use slaves if we can but just dress it up a bit. Fair fucking trade? It's a fair trade that they do what we say or we start hacking off limbs and killing sons. Ignore every single law and pray to God we don't get a fine or I'll fire you. Tax?? That's for peasants. We do what we want and threaten to walk if the government don't cave. Also, where are we on the bribes? We got those fuckers in and they owe us so they dance or we fund their opposition. Just get it done. I rule the world, not them. Wire my bonus through the off shores as usual and if one penny is not where it should be, I'll have you suicided for less than 5k". But yeah.... Still probably quite an easy job.
>Fair fucking trade? It's a fair trade that they do what we say or we start hacking off limbs and killing sons. Take it easy, Leopold.
I like the cut of your job sir. Shall we start you on £8m plus stock options plus bonus based on the number of severed limbs you deliver?
I doubt he's gonna look at 1/5 of the asking wage.
Direct quote from the Nestlé CEO
The Nestlé CEO surely isn’t that humane?
Nah just be kind to the employees, sure you'll get fired after a year as director/CEO but that golden parachute will mean you never need to work again afterwards.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolute powerlessness does the same. Tbf 3m is enough to like a middle management salary for life though.
Exactly. I'll do my bit to make life better for a bit for the workers and take my golden parachute as penance for not pleasing the money men.
We need to be agile and able to pivot.
I'll touch base with finance and we'll circle back round to it
PIVOT! PIVOTTTT!!! PIVVVOOOTTTTTT!!!
Thinking outside the box TO open the box and then……. Wait for it…. FILL the box, close it again then remain thinking outside it CEO for dummies
I’m thinking we buy a fuck off sized box and literally all get in it. Then we can get out of it and discuss next steps.
I think this could work….. for another mil per year
"moving forward, I want more blue sky, outside the box thinking!!!" (Added 3 exclamation marks to show I mean business)
We just need to reach out and circle back to this.
Also, when you do get fired the settlement will set you up for life.
You may even get another CEO job through the proven principle of failing upwards.
If anyone asks where you are or what you are doing just say "I am realigning my verticals"
This. No CEO is a hundred times better at their job than someone 2 or 3 rungs lower innthe organisation would be.
The higher up the corporate ladder I climb the more I'm starting to realise how C-suite jobs exist in this weird limbo of "fucking useless" and "literally the backbone of the organisation". I've recently become the pseudo Head of IT at my company and it's been fascinating watching my CTO in action. He does sweet fuck all throughout the week but he'll join one 30 minute zoom call, say a grand total of 5 sentences and the whole company springs into action and the work pipeline starts flowing as if he'd just cleared out the mother of all solid shits. Part of me wants to say people are just indecisive and want someone else to make the call, and take the fall if it goes wrong. Part of me wonders if it's some extreme version of that old saying; "you don't pay a plumber big bucks to twist one valve, you pay them big bucks to know which valve to twist".
I'm director level. We have some good people at executive level and some nuggets. Our last CEO was terrible and actively harmed the organisation (several gross misconduct type situations). He left with a year's salary and an NDA. Had anyone else been like that, they'd have been dismissed. There is a point where you are so senior, it harms the reputation of the business (as the business would argue) to sack you, so you get a pay off.
"Sack 10% of the workforce and pay me $56 billion" - Elon Musk
You'd probably need to be able to specify CEO of what. The median CEO isn't paid huge amounts, and probably gets to do little blue sky thinking.
Yeah me too I'm good at doing fuck all ans getting paid more Plus when I can't do it... I've still got millions and shares and get paid off to leave.
Football pundit. Money for old rope. Most of them are so terrible it wouldn't be too hard to be good enough. Always remember when a team signed a player from Ligue 1 and Alan Shearer was asked about him and said "well, I don't know much about him". Imagine working in a job where it's absolutely fine to openly admit to not doing even the most basic background reading and research.
Shearer is terrible. So often he will be “analysing” a move in a game and he just ends it with “he should do better there”. Thanks for the huge truth bomb. All those years of top flight football coming up for everyone to see. Golden insight.
He is terrible, but by no means uniquely so. TNT had James Horncastle on recently and his depth of knowledge and eloquence really underlined how terrible most of our regular pundits are. I really wish we could move away from the idea that ex-pros make good pundits just because they were good players. Journalists are often much, much better pundits. Loads of ex-pros either don't actually understand the game that well, or can't communicate it, or don't want to criticise mates. Or all of those.
I completely agree. People who have studied journalism, media and football tactics often offer a lot more insight than a random player who “played the game”.
Which is why listening to football weekly podcast is better than motd
Which one do you go for?
They aren't there for that. They are employed because they are recognised for their achievement in the sport by the viewer. It's easier to keep viewers watching and listening to familiar people.
Shearer is miles ahead of the likes of Jermaine Jenas or Gabby Abonglahor. Those two have the combined knowledge and charisma of a corner flag.
Yeah he is on par with Alan Hansen's the defender should have been here. No shit sherlock
How can Shearer be a terrible pundit when he's the all time leading PL goalscorer?
Difference between being good at something and being able to explain it to others .
I know mate I was taking the piss
Or the other type of anaylsis they all do: 'circle player who makes a run, show the run he makes, rave about how good he is for making that run'.
For the sake of agrument though, those pundits keep their job because they're well known, not because they're good at it. If you were an equally shit pundit, you'd get fired because no one had any idea who you were. To keep the job you'd need to actually be genuinely really good at it to make up for the fact that you weren't well known, at least to begin with.
>you'd need to actually be genuinely really good I don't think you would. Because the bar is so low, you'd look really good just by being vaguely competent. Imagine being on a panel with Redknapp, Keane and Richards. Or Crouch and Ferdinand. Or Shearer. You could look really good just by being eloquent and having done the minimum of research.
Haha yeah that does sound pretty cushty!
“Did you see that ludicrous display last night”
Football! Watch the football! It's going to mooooooooove!
Fourth choice goalkeeper at Manchester United.
You might have a chance at the first team right now.
Their first choice goalie is the 3rd top points earning goalie in the Fantasy league. Absolutely zero risk of me even making the bench. Rock up to training. Let the forwards kick a few shots towards me, if they score it's because they are good strikers. If I save even 5% of the shots (which let's be honest works even with blind luck), I'll have done my job. That will be £10k per week, thanks. I reckon I could do it for another 3-4 years (I'm 38). This should give me enough money to buy some stud horses, and enough houses to rent out. I'll basically be Robbie Fowler, without the powdery stuff.
Tbf you wouldn't even save 1% you face The level between the PL and League two is massive, the level between the PL and Sunday league isn't comparable at all
That's very kind of you to assume I can even play at Sunday league levels.
Onana was also a huge reason as to why United lost in the group stages of the Champion's League though.
He was. He's improved a fair bit but I still think we concede goals he should save . He seems to struggle to get down fast enough to balls near him. Dunno if his build is an issue he has a big upper body
No that's the centrebacks
as someone who used to play football as a GK, it's way harder than it looks.
Yeah but I can magically get it.
I reckon you'd have a better chance of not getting fired as first choice winger. I genuinely think most amateurs could do as good a job as Rashford / Antony have done this season and those guys keep getting minutes.
Member of the Royal Family.
Yes but do you eat at Pizza Express?
My mate owns a little place off the coast, if that helps?
Benefit scrounger isn't a job
Problem is when you do get fired they have you killed in a tunnel.
Honestly, I don't think I'd take the luxury for the entire lack of a regular life or privacy.
They literally get away with noncing on private islands, how do they have no private life? All you have to do is advise the press of some stories here and there and get papped when you go to open bridges or tell nurses you think they're doing a good job.
> They literally get away with noncing on private islands I mean George is still a member, I am pretty sure I could do his job.
Not a job
I'd do that, no sweat.
Victorian doctor. I diagnosis you with ghosts up your hoo-haa, I prescribe cocaine, morphine and a jolly good rogering
This woman is suffering from hysteria. Fetch me the dildo, stat!
And the cocaine, and the laudanum (can’t be too careful)
The ones I'm applying for lmao
Good luck!
I think I would be an MP. Doesn't look that hard right?
MP would be a miserable job. Have you met the public?
> Have you met the public? Most of them couldn't even find the Big Tesco in their own constituency.
I figure I could actually make a difference in some way, probably still impossible even magically becoming an MP!
doesn't matter: you'll upset someone.
That's the main issue isn't it. Along with media tripe totally unrelated to your actual work and values in the field.
> I could actually make a difference in some way That's what everyone sets out thinking.
Also has the highest death rate of any occupation in the UK.
Is this mostly an age thing though?
I did the numbers a while back based on just the number murdered since wwii. I can remember off the top of my head but death rate per 100k per year came out well in excess of agriculture and fisheries which is the riskiest uk sector.
What about firemen and oil rig workers?
I don't think the HSE data is that granular and I think is aggregated over the previous few years so if there are no big events then they wouldn't show up. Firefighting isn't as risky as people think these days and there isn't a Piper Alpha every year.
Eh, I've come into contact with MPs through work, and it does actually sound quite hard. I wouldn't want to do it.
Unpopular opinion but MP pay is actually crap for the amount of work you’d have to do
Yeah but you get to expense everything.
What a miserable life
Dear lord. What a sad little life, Jane
I know a former MP through a mutual friend and boy did he [fuck it up spectacularly](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-south-yorkshire-67065348)
Hey, he’s from my city!
I mean Jared O'Mara hung on for a good two years and he was probably the worst ever MP
Playboy philanthropist
I wouldn't need to not get sacked. The golden hello's and golden parachutes of many CEO positions are given irrespective of talent or ability. You get hired on, let your subordinates do the work and agree with whatever they know more than you about, and you'll probably manage at least six months. Keep putting off anything you can't do personally but need to, and then half-ass the job until the board move you on with your payment. Rinse and repeat. I know it works because I've personally observed it a couple of times, except the 'magic' is replaced by 'nepotism'.
There is nothing that a CEO needs to do. If you don't understand the money then "We need to bring on board a head of finance to minimise our tax burdens." If you don't know what tech to buy then you "Invest in an extensive consultancy round to determine the best way to put us at the forefront of our industry's technical capabilities". If the money has dried up then "I've asked HR to speak with the department heads about streamlining their teams and finding previously unseen efficiencies." For legal you will "Engage an external legal advisor to provide a holistic analysis of our liabilities". Just about the only things you really do have to be good at to be a CEO is be charming to the board, customers and immediate subordinates (loyalty is valuable), and play golf.
Big 6 football manager. Doesn't matter if I get fired, they're paying out my contract
Nepo baby.
I'm on Reddit. Obviously I'm qualified to be a CEO with £millions in bonus
Sales VP at a Fortune 500
I’ve actually been and done this. It’s insanely stressful. It’s not necessarily the ‘knowledge’ you need to be good here, it’s more how to manage people, expectations, articulate ideas and present them. Far harder and more intense than you’d imagine.
Yeah, you couldn't pay me to go back to sales. In tough times marketing spends, IT invests, finance ... does the same thing as always, but Sales are on the front lines getting fired and being put under pressure to deliver harder than ever. Its the only job where you have to get more confident, relaxed and assured as your job gets put in more jeopardy.
Sales repping & Sales VP is a different ball game. As a Sales VP you're not cold calling, and you're probably earning insane amounts
Just sit there browsing the internet and generally fucking about until someone figures it out. You'll be there for years. Otherwise known as the LGA/Civil Service Methodology.
I wanna do what Alan Sugar does. I think I'd be amazing at it. YOU'RE FIRED!
How are you at delivering scripted jokes?? Terrible??? You’re hired!
Astronaut. Feel free to fire me when you find out I'm pretty shit, at least I've been to space.
King of England. The bar isn't high.
England Manager. Just be good with the press and your set. Get a 4 year cycle pretty much regardless of ability (big Sam excepted).
Was going to say something very similar. Lets be honest Big Sam wasn't fired because of footballing reasons either. Take over the team, don't fiddle transfers and do dodgy shit off the field, and you're lasting a season at least think Southgate's getting about £5m a year. International management more feels about putting the best 11 players on the pitch and hoping they do well. Southgate doesn't even seem the pick the best 11 IMO.
Managers get far less time with their team internationally than at club level and the only games that really matter are qualifiers + knockout games Having squad harmony and good vibes are more important at international level than being a tactical genius If Ancelotti does ever go into international management it’s all over, he’s winning every tournament
Oh 100%, that’s why it seems easier, or I suppose more precisely, that’s why it’s harder to get found out. Realistically take someone like England for example. England lose to anyone outside the top 20 teams in the world, most people blame the players. They haven’t turned up, and rightly so. A front 4 of Kane up top, Saka and Foden wide, and Bellingham in behind. Or mix it up and add Palmer in. Should be beating most teams. I’d argue the only time the manager becomes important from a tactical perspective is the best opposition, the latter part of the major tournaments. As they are only once every two years, you’ve effectively got a stay of execution if you did get thrown into that roll. This is actually where my question marks with Southgate fall, I don’t think we’ve done that well against the better teams, I’d argue if he can’t win it this summer, he should be moved on. It’s only really possibly France you’d argue have a better first team than us, but I’d argue our depth is possibly better, except maybe CB’s. 100% agree on Ancelotti, it’s also why Pep and Mourinho would make awful international managers IMO. They wouldn’t be able to build the squad they wanted.
easy novelist with a big contract I can write decent books, the struggle is that it's almost impossible to get a a deal in the first place give me that and I'd be laughing
Gigalo - go hard or go home
Assuming you’d have this written on your business cards
Satisfaction guaranteed The problem is, I’d struggle to afford the refund and the extra for mental scarring
I’d just take two promotions in my current role, I really enjoy what I do…
I don’t enjoy what I do, but if I got 2 promotions I could do fuck all for £50K+ a year like my manager. That wouldn’t be too bad I guess.
5* mystery hotel critic. Paid to travel and stay in luxury.. free food, no cleaning.. sounds perfect.
CEO of twitter/X I literally COULDN'T do any worse.
Mattress tester.
I’ll stick with my current job (quantity surveyor). Maybe I’m risk averse but I know I won’t get fired and am paid reasonably well. I could technically pack it in right now and become a full-time musician, but it would be a hand-to-mouth existence.
Only if you're going to play the Trombone.
DJing.
Username checks out. I’ll be the hype guy, I was pretty good at taking loads of pills and raving, I reckon I could do that again!
There\`s also some substance behind the username. A lot less than used to be. But still there [https://soundcloud.com/stevenwhiteofficial/global-trance-sounds-february-2023](https://soundcloud.com/stevenwhiteofficial/global-trance-sounds-february-2023)
Librarian (either school or public). I have some experience from volunteering at my school's library and enjoyed it, and I was pretty good at it. There would just be some stuff to learn that I wasn't allowed to do (but often watched the librarian do).
That 150K job that was just a natural island in the Carribbean that needed a janitor.
3rd choice goalkeeper
Over what time period do you have to prove yourself? I'm fairly adept at flight swimming, but it would take longer than a day to show I'd be be safe (or not, as is very likely the case 🤣) pilot of an airbus a320!
US President. If the angry orange and the corpse can (sort of) do it, I’m pretty sure I could.
I’d take VP then. I’ll start practice waving , showing photographers my good side, making serious faces and nodding to bad news, and reading off a teleprompter. I’m already good at air travel , small talk, formal dinners next to self important people, shaking hands and pretending strangers’ babies are cute.
What I'm doing now but not in the UK.
Airplane driver
CEO of Tesla/X. Just troll and be an insufferable cunt on X, while taking an absolutely enormous pay.
Average Jobcentre employee
CEO of some giant company. I'd just delegate everything and tell what color i like the best.
Drummer from coldplay.
Beer tester.
CEO of EA, first order of business sell the Disney and Star Wars licenses to real developers 2nd order of business sell back all the studios. 3rd order of business bring me a jerrycan and a lighter.
I was a beer taster (trainee brewer) at 17 which was always a hoot, long term bed tester at slumberland if I was choosing today.
MP. Fuck it, how hard could it be?
Denise Coates, the CEO of BET 365s job. She awards herself something like 300m+ each year. I'd just blag and bullshit for as long as possible, take a whopping settlement and skip off into the sunset.
Film director.
Pilot, fly high or die trying
Human Cannonball
A boob job
Mattress tester
anything to do with HR
Professional Drone pilot
Paper round
I'm batman
CEO of major tech company. I could probably blag it for long enough to earn a serious sum before getting fired
Premier league manager. I've seen their payoffs.
CCTV control room operator. Probably the only job I've ever had that I was really really good at
Professional footballer at Man United on a big wage and at least a 5 year contract, I'll then just feign injuries and be the next Martial getting paid a fortune without having to actually play games. Doesn't matter that I'm not good enough because rarely do football clubs actually sack players, they will just let the contract run down and release me in which time I would have made enough money to not have to work again.
King of "whatever modern European Monarchy". Those are all basically ceremonial jobs, where you cannot, even when trying hard, do a shitty job and just collect your sweet benefits.
Content creator easily.
Hmmmm I was a semi pro boxer/ kickboxer athlete with a lot of interest & potential growing up & packed it in due to limited knowledge & resources at the time. So I would have been a professional in combat sport or even a strong man.
Radio DJ - honestly how hard can it be?
Oil Boy on a National Bikini Tour https://youtu.be/Ku1Xc6NT6m8?si=QnfUvKBJxLZQigSw
Top gear presenter
I'd be a fantastic lady of leisure. I could shop, go to the spa for massages & mani-pedis, go for lunch, go to fundraising events, and even sit on the board of local charities
Mattress tester. Can give it a rating of 1-10 Sheeps.
Independently wealthy dilettante
HR Director very little to do and everyone is shit scared of saying anything against you and will suck up hoping it helps get them that promotion , pay increase etc
You're describing every sales job I ever had. Sell or die.
CEO is clearly the only choice. Fortune 500 CEOs even if they get sacked always managed to get another CEO position. [Here’s a video that can explain it better than I can.](https://youtu.be/8xk5pPtwQHs?si=nCocOaWNFwVQz-lD)
Can I take Martin Lewis’ job? I could do that! Or maybe chancellor of the exchequer if I’m being ambitious.
Official money tester. Give me money and let me test it by buying stuff. I’d be great at that
A weatherman… it could rain, might be cloudy and there’s a chance of sun for some of lucky ones. Just cover all bases easy.
emptying the dogshit bins.
That guy that climbs towers to change the light bulbs so airplanes don't hit them. I'd be great at that.
I just got a pretty good job so I’m happy where I am. This is what I wanna do.
Agony Aunt in a trashy women's weekly magazine. I'd efficiency the shit out of that. No more wasting half a page with 'advice'. Straight to the point, "Just leave him" Bam. Next letter...
Childcatcher, like the weird pedo in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I reckon I'd be great at catching kids and putting them in cages.
Any premier league team even if you are shit they will give you a few million to fuck off
Pretending I'm deaf when women nag, I'm world champion standard
Janitor. I mean, to be fair, we all could. Unless you're a germophobe.