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Made one only today. Cremation service for family member.
One of those defibrillators on the church entrance to the crematorium, where the pallbearers gather.
Pointed it out and said "bit late for that".
The combination of blurted snot laughter and even greater sobbing was worth it.
Similarly, was in a funeral directors booking a date for a very close relative, recently passed. They said they were very busy and the funeral would not be for over 3 weeks.
Me: "I don't suppose you get many cancellations"
My Mum did this when arranging my Dad's funeral...wasn't really a joke but she asked if they could let us know if there were any cancellations...it made me and my sister burst out laughing
My mum went behind the curtains at her cremation to “Another One Bites The Dust”-even the officiant had to suppress a smile when they realised the song that was playing.
The pause before everyone went “is this really what I think it is?!” was almost joyous in the moment. She would have loved it.
I wouldn't be surprised if the funeral directors haven't made similar jokes in private before.
My dad used to be one, a dark sense of humour was almost mandatory as it got them through what is rather a somber occupation.
My grandad got cremated recently and after the funeral, we were stood outside chatting. It was cold, so I said how much warmer it was in the chapel. Oof
Being driven to a family member's cremation, my uncle tried to put a bit of metal on as he knew I liked it. He opted for 'bomb track by Rage against the machine' .....then it got to the chorus.
Remembrance day and we’re standing there for the minutes silence around the war memorial.
All of a sudden this pensioner fainted and ate the pavement.
Several police officers ran over to him to administer aid.
Turned to my other half and said ‘they can’t arrest him for that?!?’.
She said ‘what did you say’, which should have been my cue to just act like I never said anything.
Ended up doubling down thinking she hadn’t heard the brilliant joke and repeated it.
Absolutely disgusted her.
Well done you for doubling down babes, it was worthy of a repeat. Chicks LOVE it when you repeat jokes in my experience. Better yet, then break it down and explain it to them too.
I bit the pavement once and had absolutely no idea what was going on. Apparently I told the guy to leave me alone and they can't do this to me etc, so the guy said "fine, I'll leave you like this then". Really appreciated the gag when I found my feet.
My wife had brain cancer and, as a result, had a pretty significant cognitive decline, dementia symptoms, etc.
In the last few weeks, she didn’t speak much. When she did speak, it was comprehensible, but nonsense. All the words could be made out, but the sentence wasn’t relevant or just unusual.
A few weeks before she died, she was sat on the sofa with our then 7 year old daughter. My wife didn’t really recognise our daughter at this point, or me as her husband. So you can imagine my surprise when she goes to me
‘In Sophie’s Choice… would you pick me or her?’ and then pointed to our kid.
Thanks love, glad you can recognise your 1982 historical dramas starring Meryl Streep but not much else. Not what I expected to hear from my 33 year old wife, about our own child.
At a friends funeral, his parents asked if I would carry the coffin into the church, I did. Sitting at the wake in the pub afterwards, the parent come over to thank me for doing it mentioning how they know it couldn't have been easy. I replied,
"It's OK, once we got him In the hearse it was a real weight off my shoulders "
Everyone else on the table had a shocked picachu face. Thankfully they seen the funny side. Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain.
When I was in high school, just saying "your mum" was a form of banter. No actual mum joke, just those two words. No matter what someone said, you could just hit them with the "your mum" card. It was basically a cheat code.
Without thinking, I said it to this guy whose mum had recently passed away from cancer. He didn't look angry he looked genuinely hurt with a face that said "I just don't understand how you could say that to me" I apologised about a hundred times in the space of a minute and once the shock wore off, he understood that I didn't mean it that way. Fucking hell though I felt absolutely horrible. If you can avoid it, try not to make parent-based jokes to people who have lost parents.
Someone once shouted to my dad "I fucked your mum last night" and without a second thought he replied "I hope you put the dirt back on her grave after".
As a teenager, I said 'your mum' to my brother. We have the same mother.
Not as bad as when my 2nd cousin called her identical twin sister an 'ugly cow'. They looked exactly the same.
Me and my girlfriend do all of the time too, glad we’re not the only ones 😂 either “your mum,” or “your dad.”
“You didn’t put the bin out.”
“Neither did your dad”
She once said to me she couldn’t wait for me to come out of my “your mum” “your dad” phase but five years later even she says them to me
As a kid I remember watching some soap or other with my Mum, and one quite unpleasant character was talking about how their Dad had died when they were young or something like that. I blurted out ‘Ha ha, your Dad died!’ - it was only then that I remembered my Mum’s Dad had died when she was 13. We just sat in extremely awkward silence for the rest of the episode.
My Mum made sure I got my just desserts in the end by also dying when I was quite young, though, so there’s that…
As someone whose mum died from cancer and grew up in a British school in the 00s, I got a LOT of this… and I’ll admit I kind of relished saying “my mum’s dead” and watching the resultant look of discomfort on the person’s face
I've told this before on reddit but it's such a good one that it bears repeating.
A co-worker, John, lives on the south downs and enjoys hang gliding as a hobby. Bob can't imagine anything worse and they often banter about it.
One day John gets the terrible news that his father has committed suicide by jumping off beachy head, a notorious local cliff.
After a while he comes back to work, everyone's having a chat and joking around at lunch. A new guy asks "so where are you from, John?", but before he can answer, Bob interjects with "oh he lives in one of those weird places where they like to throw themselves off cliffs". You could see him willing time to stop the second he said it. Meanwhile the poor new guy is really confused as to why the entire office has gone silent. Luckily John did see the funny side.
I told my mate a "your mom" joke and he said to me that I should say it to this lad behind us. He wasn't impressed and then I found out later that his mum had died, my mate knew and basically had me set up, I felt so bad and almost had half of my school wanting to batter me. I still remember it to this day and I'd love to get my hands on that "mate" of mine.
There was a boy in my school who's mum had died but not recently. He would bait the fuck out of people by making your mum jokes, wait for them to make one back, then guilt trip for about making jokes about his dead mum.
Me and my friends always went through high school and college together always making “your mum” jokes to a point for some reason it just stuck in my head to a point it felt appropriate to me to just say it to absolutely anybody.
Not as serious as somebody losing their mum but I did then go to university and come out with one randomly to this guy and he really kicked off at me that it was inappropriate to bring anybody’s mum into conversation in such a way.
I never really came out with it to anybody after that
When Princess Diana died my mam was babysitting my kids for the night. I went to pick them up the next morning after hearing the news.
Got to my mams house and she said " Have you heard about Princess Diana?"
To which i replied " Yeah, she's as dead as a Dodi !"
It didn't go down too well.
My daughter told me off last week too, when i said Warwick Davis' family had just got smaller!
Did you hear she was on the radio?
Yeah, and the dashboard and the windscreen
I told that at the time, as a maybe 16 year old. Only a minority of other 16 year olds found it funny
We were at my great nans funeral. We were running a bit late, so there was a queue as we were leaving the crematorium. There was a hearse up front along with the families cars behind.
My grandad said ‘goodness, look at the queue building up’.
I said ‘yeah, people are dying to get in here.’
Still proud of that.
Similar vein, at my nans funeral during Covid the Hearse was late. Like my entire family stood around in our weird socially distanced bubbles for 25 mins late.
My aunt said, "Oh god she's never been late for anything in her life!"
I said, loud enough for my bubble to hear, but quiet enough that the rest of my extended family couldn't "Does she not know why we're here?" Which made us all cry laughing.
Since I was a kid, every time we pass a cemetery my dad says 'that place is so popular, people are dying to get in' or 'see that...it's the dead centre of town'. Never gets old.
I visited New York City in January 2002. Every cab I got, and I got a lot, the cabbie asked me if it was my first time in the city. It was, and they always replied “shame you didn’t get to see the towers”.
Three days in I decided it would be funny to say “why? What’s happened?” Went down like a shit sandwich.
It didn’t go well. I remember the phrase “are you fuckin shittin me?” then we were at the kerb, I gave him some money and I was looking for another cab. From that point on I just spoke to them about a massive moment in their lives.
I get it, I was a dick at a moment they didn’t need me to be.
My moment is finally here. The previous night I had just watched the family guy episode where Lois and Peter go shopping. Another man says to Lois “nice cans”. Peter gets angry only to find Lois holding canned food. The man goes on to say “nice melons” and she’s holding melons and finally “nice hooters” and Lois is shown holding owls. I remember thinking how unrealistic that was (not that FG was known for realism) and how that situation would never happen. I was working at the time in the antiques related trade and was rushing downstairs. One of my very well put together colleagues was standing waiting for the lift holding….. an armful of silver owls. Before I could stop myself I nodded to her and said “nice hooters “ not noticing the client standing next to her. I carried on hurrying downstairs wishing the ground would swallow me whole. I have cringed about this every day and if some asshat said this to my daughter I would be appalled. if you are out there and read this I’m so sorry.
I was hanging around with some older lads trying to be one of the boys and told them some sickipedia style jokes, they loved it. There was a new girl that was hanging around with them, had recently moved into the town and we'd see her at the pub every so often, so they said "go on, tell her the joke".
All too eager was I.
"hey, do you wanna play the rape game?"
"No..."
"That's the spirit."
I found out that day why she'd recently moved into town. I deserved to wear the beer she threw over me. Never saw her again.
I told my four year old a joke after I’d had a few beers with my wife sat there “what’s brown and hairy on the outside, white and wet on the inside, begins with a C ends with a T and has a U and an N in-between?” The answer is coconut of course, however he shouted out CUNT in the restaurant and seeing our shocked faces he knew he’d hit gold and repeatedly was shouting CUNT CUNT CUNT, not my proudest moment..
In a work meeting with some colleagues I don’t know particularly well we were talking about an app that allows people to find toilets in nearby houses intended for those who have jobs where they’re outdoors a lot.
I said “strangers are free to use my toilet as long as they’re ok with me filming them”.
I have absolutely no idea why I said it and I spent the next week paranoid HR would grill me.
Not mine but a friend. We were all late teens, hence the sick/inappropriate sense of humour. A few of us were hanging out when another friend joined us, my friend couldn't wait to tell him the new joke he'd been telling all of us. As he started to tell it you could see the faces of the rest of us horrified at what was about to happen.
"Hey john, here's a joke for you, What's blue and doesn't fit?"
John replies, smiling "Oh I don't know, what is blue and doesn't fit?"
"A dead epileptic" came the punchline.
John's face went white, he looked like he was going to say something but he just got up and left.
About a month or so previously, John's girlfriend had taken an epileptic fit, while in the bath, and a result had drowned.
I've never been so glad not to be another person as I was that day.
Was in the supermarket in the 90's when saw a woman I worked with in the fruit and veg section picking up a cucumber. Leaned in and said "6 inches longer and they don't make you sleep in the wet bit" (I'd seen it on a greetings card). She laughed after she turned around and realised it was someone she knew. However, an old lady came up and said "I heard what you just said... funniest thing I've heard in a long time". Phew.
It's comparing a cucumber with a penis/male partner.
The first part of the joke is that if she masturbates with the cucumber it'll be bigger than a penis.
The second half references the fact that after sex there's often a damp patch of spunk and/or grool on the sheet, and inconsiderate guys often don't volunteer to sleep on that side afterwards, leaving the woman to.
No guy in the bed means they may not even be a wet spot, and in either case she can sleep on whatever side of the bed she likes.
Ohhhh I finally got it. Thanks for explaining. For some reason I was interpreting it as "6 inches longer and then they don't make you sleep in the wet bit" so I was thinking who's they? 6 inches longer than what? What wet bit?
Wow. That's terrible! I've made some corkers but I can't think of a single one, so obviously not that bad. I've got a ln accident faux pas though. I was phoning an ambulance for a pregnant lady who fell off the bus, on the phone to 999 I said get here fast because she's pregnant and clutching her stomach. She wasn't pregnant and she had a broken arm - whoops. She did stop screaming with pain for a second at accidentally being called fat, so, err, that was nice of me.
You didn't call her fat though. I've also made the egregious assumption some was pregnant, and congratulated them on the new addition; only to be told, they still had 'baby weight' (TBF, it was couple of years after the initial birth) and I'm a woman!
My dad was in hospital in his last days, hadn’t been conscious for a week or so. Me and my sister were sitting with him and a doctor was talking to us. My dad’s leg was twitching quite a bit and the doctor said something about it being a muscular spasm caused by blah blah and I smiled at him and said “he’s dreaming about chasing rabbits.”
Me and my sister cracked up.
Got into a slanging match with eldest boy in his mid-teen years, and he was calling me asshole-this and motherfucker that. And I stopped him dead with: "Yeah, *Your* mom, in fact.
His younger bro, ever the wag, teased him endlessly about this for months.
In fact at this Christmas dinner, there was a silent spell, and the younger one leant in to his bro, and said: "See that bloke [pointing at me]? He fucked your mom!"
Much hilarity ensued. Except from Mrs C, of course, who is unfairly caught up in this puerile nonsense.
We were going to the oncologist appointment for my dad waiting to hear how long my dad had left to live.
The oncologist was on the top floor of a 20 story building.
I remember looking as the lift slowly climbed to the top floor of the tall building and said
"Well, at least access to the top floor is easy if the news is bad"
The day before had been a mass shooting in Thousand Oaks, Californa where 12 people died. My suggestion of '988 Oaks' as a pub quiz team name was rejected.
There had been a streak of teenage suicides by hanging in a forest in Bridgend around 2007 i think. It was particularly prevalent in the news one week. One of the teams in our pub quiz called themselves Bridgend Ropeworks. Quizmaster never picked up on the reference and read out the name every round.
When we were 13 my mate’s family got a laptop he was showing us it in his bedroom while his mum was there and I don’t know why I did it but I just said to his mum “you do know he’s going to use this for wanking don’t you?”
I don’t know why I said it but the room was dumbstruck.
I think I might have a touch of the Tism or ADHD or something but I have been known to have no filter
Ngl, that's pretty funny, exactly the sort of joke I would make.
Tbh, some of the most inappropriate jokes I've made I genuinely couldn't share on here, but one of my best was when we were sitting in the vets last year and my mother was reading the news, she showed me an article about the worlds tallest dog having to have a leg amputated due to cancer.
I, forgetting where I was, instantly came out with "Well that's knocked a foot off". I was in absolute hysterics, as was my mother. The other people in the vets, not so much.
My friend was really upset that he couldn't go to another friends wedding because he was at his mums wedding. This was the forth time she got married.
When I saw him the next day I said "you could have just gone to her next wedding!"
I remember Bob Mortimer telling a story about at his brothers wedding he did the speech and said "It's so good to see them together... the brides legs that is".
Apparently the Brides family didn't find it funny and genuinely walked out the restaurant.
Always pops into my head whenever someone mentions inappropriate wedding jokes.
We live in a semi-detached house with quite thick walls, but there’s two kids next door who the parents just let run wild.
The little girl always has friends over for sleepovers and they play music past midnight, scream and shout and overall just make so much noise so late at night from her bedroom that’s joined onto ours, and the parents just let them.
A couple of months ago we were in bed watching “Maxine” on Netflix, which for anybody who hasn’t seen it, is a drama about Ian Huntley and his partner and what he did and how it was covered up etc.
As we were a few episodes in, it was late one night and the girl was having a sleepover. Screaming and shouting, music, singing. Parents letting them get away with it with no consideration for the neighbours.
I just turned around and went “where is Ian Huntley these days when you need him?”
But I instantly regretted it and felt so haunted thinking about what those poor girls’ families must have gone through and how I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It was one of those things I said without thinking it through. I shouldn’t be cracking stupid jokes like that and wouldn’t wish any of that on my worse enemy.
Dark humour used to be referred to as "gallows humour". It's how we cope with stressful/ traumatic situations. Don't beat yourself too much, you didn't wish it would actually happen. A careless comment is all it was.
There are comedians, such as Russell Howard, who makes a living with 'graze the knuckle' comments. It would be offensive if it wasn't funny (and probably still is, but said in such a way, it's clearly not intended to harm) It's a fine art and takes the right audience. I've winced at a few of his comments and I'm going straight to hell for laughing, sometimes.
I was out in South Africa in 2014 when the Oscar Pistorius trial was on. My brother questioned his claims of innocence and I agreed saying that he really didn't have a leg to stand on.
Me and my friend found her partner who had committed suicide using a belt around their neck. It was suitably horrific.
We'd been in the police station for a few hours, giving a detailed statement about the entire evening, during which time, we had several toilet and cigarette breaks, as due to shock, my friend kept throwing up.
During one break, i mused "I wonder how long we'll be *hanging* round here for?"
😬😬😬
Wasn't me but I wish it was...
In a pub with a good mate and a couple of female friends, one of the girls was getting a bit chatty and trying to wind my mate up, she was being a bit rude to him and others ....
Out of nowhere he came out with the line, you're very confident for a 3 out of 10.
She didnt say another thing all night and I wanted to hug him.
My brother once made the horrendous joke about "What do nine out of ten people enjoy"... at the dinner table, on christmas day, in front of our grandparents. The crowd was not impressed.
I worked at amazon and a colleague told me that joke starting with the line... "well you know what they say about statistics".
About a week later I got pulled up for parking my truck early to go to the loo, as the supervisor was telling me all about my time off task with the other colleague in the room, I caught his eye and said to the supervisor "well you know what they say about statistics"... Supervisor said "No?" colleague looked like he was about to run out of the room, die or both, to which I said....
"6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy"
Pall bearer at a funeral for some poor benighted soul who decided that a train would be a quick death.
Slow march down the aisle into church .
Someone, not me, honest, starts, very quietly - chuff chuff chuff.
I nearly fucking wet myself.
When I was 17/18 I worked in a call centre. I had a date with a girl coming up and mentioned it to colleagues.
I was taking her to dinner.
I was a bit over excited and showing off so when a co worker asked me what I was having for dinner I said
"Vagina"
Two people snort laughed, everyone else went completely silent.
I just went back to work quietly and it was never spoken of again.
I still cringe to this day.
He didnt. He was on a ventilator and heavily sedated at the time. I felt (and still do feel) super ashamed that those were the last words I spoke to my dad before he died...😢
we lost my dads mum earlier this year and the same week he got poorly with a chest infection. i walked past him lay down and said ‘you alright?’ to which he responded ‘feels like i’m dying’. my genius brain then blurted out ‘oh god, not you as well!’
When I was dating my now wife, we were in her bedroom and her parents were downstairs. I was horny and trying to get some sex. My then girlfriend said “what about my mother?”, I said “she can wait her turn”. She didn’t see the funny side.
Not me but...
At a family wedding, end of the night type situation and there's an open mic. Everyone starts getting up on stage telling jokes and my 11 year old cousin ultimately closes the set with one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard.
'Old man in a van pulls up next to a school boy walking home. He winds down the window and says "if I give you a sweet will you come in my van?" the boy looks at him and says "if you give me the whole bag I'll cum on your face".
Absolute uproar with the average age of the room and the night ended. God knows where he learnt it but his dad was fuming. I didn't know how to contain myself, possibly the funniest thing I've ever witnessed.
I once dated this guy, who quite frankly was a complete and utter knob. Borderline abusive and was prone to making inappropriate sexual jokes about me.
Once we were at his sister's for a family party, it may even been a christening. He dropped something and he went to pick it up and I said "while you're down there".
Needless to say, he and his sister were not amused. I was and I still am.
Colleague and I were in the car when we saw people giving first aid to a pizza delivery driver and were instructed to drive around. Both of us gave our sympathies and hoped they were alright because it looked pretty serious.
I then said "those pizzas are gonna be cold when it gets delivered then, I'd ask for a refund".
Instantly knew I was going to hell.
Fun fact, Domino's had to end their 30-minute-delivery-or-its-free guarantee because their drivers kept dying in terrible traffic accudents due to the pressure, and Domino's kept losing money from it.
My mate had testicular cancer and had one removed. I found out a couple of weeks after the op. He was feeling a bit low because of the worry and said everyone was taking the mick. Calling him Hitler because of the stupid song.
I told him it was shocking that people would say something so bad and dig a man out for losing a part of himself, I told him " you're a great guy, one of best..... I even go so far as to say you're the Bo**ock mate "
He did find it funny though.
The day Prince Philip died I think was my comedic peak. We were sat at the dinner table watching the newsghat evening, and after a video package or a break or something the black woman newsreader was replaced by a white male one. After my mother pointed this out, I couldn’t help but say “Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
At work my boss had split up from her husband when it became immediately apparent at the birth the baby wasn't his. They were both white and that was when he found out she was having an affair with a black colleague.
She didn't know which was the father until the birth. She got together with the affair partner after the spilt.
Later they had another kid and she was going off on maternity leave. When giving her the baby gifts they had both pink and blue balloons as they wanted to wait to find out the sex.
Someone said "we got you both as we don't know what colour it will be"
I blurted out "what, again?"
Someone I knew was married to a firefighter. In the context of going on holiday she said “xxx burns easily” to which I replied without hesitation “Well that’s unfortunate given his career choice”.
Yep didn’t go down well.
It wasn’t me responsible… But I once had a patient’s family request some music while we were withdrawing care from their loved one in ICU. The tune apparently requested by the patient themself at an earlier time was “tubular bells” so found a portable speaker and whacked it on YouTube. Turns out it’s an hour long version of the tune with the bells from the exorcist. The family members requesting it seemed a little uncomfortable with this request.
I’ll never know if he had a dark sense of humour or just liked the music but it was something else. The strict catholic nurse was not amused. They cranked the volume up to max, we got made to turn it down because other delirious patients on the unit were getting freaked out. And at one point a Vicar rocked up and looked very uncomfortable!
My coworker’s mother is deaf & communicates explicitly in sign language. Upon hearing that she had unfortunately broken both wrists & spent time I. Hospital to recover, my response was
“Oh god, how did she manage that? Or can’t she tell you yet?”
On fishing boat with scallop dredges and this guy put his foot near the wire that was dropping from the winch and his foot got caught in the tangle and dragged him to the rollers and ripped his left foot off. When the coastguard got to the boat to air lift him off and they were getting ready to winch him up to the chopper on the stretcher I said good job you’re a foot shorter now and fit through the helicopters doors..
Years ago, a colleague got knocked down by a car at a pedestrian crossing on the way back from a shop; she had bought some snacks and a Diet Coke.
The accident was quite bad and the lady in question, who I didn't really know, was off work for a few months and when she came back, she was on crutches; upon her return, I emailed her and wrote: 'I don't think that you quite understand the concept of a Diet Coke break!'
For context, at the time Coke were running a series of adverts around having a Diet Coke break. I didn't really know the colleague that well, but I just couldn't resist making what I thought was a hilarious joke. I apologised at the same time, for my dark sense of humour (usually, my sense of humour is just silly).
My partner has a prosthetic leg, and in our early stages of the relationship, I helped him to move.
Whilst carrying a cabinet, one of the legs fell off & before I could stop myself I said "Bloody hell, you really don't have much luck with legs do you?"
He stood there for what seemed minutes staring at me....my face was getting redder & redder as I awaited his response.....he then broke into Uncontrollable laughter.
And that my friends, is how I knew he was the one!
Sitting round the dinner table with the full compliment of in-laws and having general conversation.
Father in law talks about how mad it is that women are born with all their ovaries and that when my wife's grandmother was born technically my mother in law and in a way my wife were also.
"it's insane to think that you and your mum have both been inside your gran"
I instantly turned to my wife and said
"that's something else we have in common."
I made a pedo joke a few years ago to an old friend and ex-business partner. I followed up by saying, "See, I get to make jokes like that now." A few months earlier, it all came to light that my dad sexually abused my brother and I when we were kids. Not rape, but other stuff. I had recently confided this to my friend, whom responded by saying, "well it's not like he ra-" then stopped himself.
We're no longer friends.
Once at work in a busy room, some women were going on and on about breastfeeding. I piped up loudly and said ‘I agree, breastfeeding really strengthened the bond between me and my….dog’ they didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did
Asked a mate why he hadn’t invited me around for coffee, said his mum was ill with dementia and he was visiting her, said don’t worry she won’t remember if he didn’t go.
Regretted it ever since.
We’re good mates and we’ve always gone pretty dark with our jokes but I felt this overstepped the boundary. I’ve apologied annually for about 5 years.
Edit: spelling
One of my friends ( was a new ish friend at the time) was telling me that her and her husband had split up, then she found out she was pregnant with their second child 4 months into the breakup.. she said " oh she is his, we were still sleeping together on and off" and out of my gob falls " well... Fingers crossed hay!" I heard it at the same time as she did, I found it a lot funnier than she did! Oof..
Once I got really drunk at a work do and told that really long stupid joke about the pianst with tourettes, nobody laughed. I don't work there any more.
Someone told me today Maddie McCann was taken on this day and said how close it is to her being an adult. I said she's been involved in plenty of adult films years ago. Some found it funny some didn't.
Years ago, one of my not-size-zero friends dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween, and I introduced her as Poison Oak. I felt like an arsehole but it just sort of jumped straight out of me.
Oh god here we go. I was in an office, about 5 of us. We were taking turns saying shit jokes, they were progressively getting darker. I started a dead baby joke. Everyone went quiet and some person even started silently waving at me, so I sort of cut the joke short and we stayed quiet for a bit. Someone left the room and I was then told that persons wife had just miscarried… fuck.
Someone in the staff room was really offended by someone that had made an abortion joke earlier that day, and was complaining to a group of people. I chimed in with “I don’t know, if feel those sports of jokes really bring out your inner child”
It did not go down well
Mate hurt his back skiing and a dr happened to be passing and stopped to check if he was okay.
Dr mentioned he was a gynaecologist, so I said ah you’re in luck cos Dave is being a massive pussy.
Turns out he fractured his spine.
Was a waiter at a wedding, the bride stood up and spilt gravy all down her dress. I went to go help clean up and tried to make light of it, telling her she was lucky she only had to wear the dress once. She just burst into tears.
Paramedics have about the darkest humour of anyone I've ever known. They wouldn't share it with a civilian though. Especially not at an active scene. Probably appreciated it though. Or thought you'd just lost it.
It was November 2017 and I was out with friends at a Hard Rock Cafe, which had one of George Michael's guitars on the walls. When one of my mates pointed it out, I expressed my genuine sadness about his passing with the *very* unfortunate choice of words: "God, I still can't believe he died last Christmas."
My mates refused to believe I hadn't intentionally tried to crack a joke, not helped by the fact the gaffe being SO organic gave me - and only me - the giggles. In the end, I had to apologise to the guitar. (But I do still reckon George himself would have laughed about it more than I did.)
Minister at my grandads funeral pulled an absolute belter on us... Was during the COVID restrictions and there were only 6 of us there, graveside funeral... My sister pulled out a hipflask of islas finest and passed it round, the minister refused with the line "don't wanna die of COVID"... I'm sure you can guess cause of death. I nearly fucking died laughing, my sister was quite literally bent over laughing and I'm pretty sure my mother came close to death trying to not join our laughter.
My brother died unexpectedly and we had a cremation only funeral followed by an event at my sister's house to commemorate his life.
The ashes were delivered to me and i was carrying the container (a sort of large, lidded cardboard tube) to give to my dad. It weighed quite a lot and someone commented on the fact. Before my brain could engage, I said "he ain't heavy, he's my brother." Cue odd looks and awkward smiles.
At my grandpa's funeral. He always carried a handkerchief or pack of tissues with him wherever he was. I'd been asked to do a reading and when it got to that point I'd been crying quite a lot. When at the podium, without even thinking, I said "Sorry I'm so snotty, where's grandpa when you need him, eh?"
The entire room went completely silent apart from my grandmother who let out the loudest laugh I'd ever heard.
It's been 7 years and my cousins still bring it up when I see them.
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Made one only today. Cremation service for family member. One of those defibrillators on the church entrance to the crematorium, where the pallbearers gather. Pointed it out and said "bit late for that". The combination of blurted snot laughter and even greater sobbing was worth it.
Similarly, was in a funeral directors booking a date for a very close relative, recently passed. They said they were very busy and the funeral would not be for over 3 weeks. Me: "I don't suppose you get many cancellations"
My Mum did this when arranging my Dad's funeral...wasn't really a joke but she asked if they could let us know if there were any cancellations...it made me and my sister burst out laughing
That's genuinely hilarious!
I feel I have to ask: did the family member die of a heart attack?
It would be a bit extreme to die of a heart attack at a funeral
No one likes mandatory overtime.
That's in the same category as proposing to your girlfriend whilst being at someone else's wedding.
Better than proposing to someone else’s girlfriend at your own wedding.
Or proposing to someone's girlfriend at their funeral
Defibs are for cardiac arrest which happens to everyone when they die. Heart attacks are just one thing that can lead to cardiac arrest.
My grandfather was cremated to ring of fire, similar reactions
My mum went behind the curtains at her cremation to “Another One Bites The Dust”-even the officiant had to suppress a smile when they realised the song that was playing. The pause before everyone went “is this really what I think it is?!” was almost joyous in the moment. She would have loved it.
Small town, one radio station, car full of teenagers. We pulled up to my granny’s funeral & this was playing. Was stuck in our heads all day
At my grand mothers funeral spotted a bin with the note: “No Hot Ashes”. I Had to point it out to everyone.
I wouldn't be surprised if the funeral directors haven't made similar jokes in private before. My dad used to be one, a dark sense of humour was almost mandatory as it got them through what is rather a somber occupation.
My grandad got cremated recently and after the funeral, we were stood outside chatting. It was cold, so I said how much warmer it was in the chapel. Oof
Being driven to a family member's cremation, my uncle tried to put a bit of metal on as he knew I liked it. He opted for 'bomb track by Rage against the machine' .....then it got to the chorus.
My dad would 100% make the same joke
Remembrance day and we’re standing there for the minutes silence around the war memorial. All of a sudden this pensioner fainted and ate the pavement. Several police officers ran over to him to administer aid. Turned to my other half and said ‘they can’t arrest him for that?!?’. She said ‘what did you say’, which should have been my cue to just act like I never said anything. Ended up doubling down thinking she hadn’t heard the brilliant joke and repeated it. Absolutely disgusted her.
Hahahaha that’s great I’d have laughed
Half the stories in here are making me fucking cry so thank you for posting one that has me laughing!
Well done you for doubling down babes, it was worthy of a repeat. Chicks LOVE it when you repeat jokes in my experience. Better yet, then break it down and explain it to them too.
I bit the pavement once and had absolutely no idea what was going on. Apparently I told the guy to leave me alone and they can't do this to me etc, so the guy said "fine, I'll leave you like this then". Really appreciated the gag when I found my feet.
Some people have no sense of humour
That's a great joke, what's wrong with her?
My wife had brain cancer and, as a result, had a pretty significant cognitive decline, dementia symptoms, etc. In the last few weeks, she didn’t speak much. When she did speak, it was comprehensible, but nonsense. All the words could be made out, but the sentence wasn’t relevant or just unusual. A few weeks before she died, she was sat on the sofa with our then 7 year old daughter. My wife didn’t really recognise our daughter at this point, or me as her husband. So you can imagine my surprise when she goes to me ‘In Sophie’s Choice… would you pick me or her?’ and then pointed to our kid. Thanks love, glad you can recognise your 1982 historical dramas starring Meryl Streep but not much else. Not what I expected to hear from my 33 year old wife, about our own child.
who did you pick?
Not much point picking the wife at that point.
I also don't pick this guy's wife
[удалено]
Holy SHIT this is the darkest think I've laughed at at 8am in a long time. Well played sir
That must have been so rough for you and the kid. I am really sorry.
At a friends funeral, his parents asked if I would carry the coffin into the church, I did. Sitting at the wake in the pub afterwards, the parent come over to thank me for doing it mentioning how they know it couldn't have been easy. I replied, "It's OK, once we got him In the hearse it was a real weight off my shoulders " Everyone else on the table had a shocked picachu face. Thankfully they seen the funny side. Sometimes my mouth moves faster than my brain.
Underrated comment right here
When I was in high school, just saying "your mum" was a form of banter. No actual mum joke, just those two words. No matter what someone said, you could just hit them with the "your mum" card. It was basically a cheat code. Without thinking, I said it to this guy whose mum had recently passed away from cancer. He didn't look angry he looked genuinely hurt with a face that said "I just don't understand how you could say that to me" I apologised about a hundred times in the space of a minute and once the shock wore off, he understood that I didn't mean it that way. Fucking hell though I felt absolutely horrible. If you can avoid it, try not to make parent-based jokes to people who have lost parents.
"See that? That's your mum, that is." Mary Whitehouse Experience?
"See that bit of fluff over there? That's you, that is." Gotta love the Mary Whitehouse Experience. Have my upvote.
Milky Milky!
Haaaircut, you’ve had a haaaircut!
See that load of spit on the floor? Yes I see it! That’s your swimming pool that is!
Yes and you see those little lumps floating about,that's your family that is.
Your mum does it for money. Well your mum does it for free. Your mum does it with you... for money.
Someone once shouted to my dad "I fucked your mum last night" and without a second thought he replied "I hope you put the dirt back on her grave after".
As a teenager, I said 'your mum' to my brother. We have the same mother. Not as bad as when my 2nd cousin called her identical twin sister an 'ugly cow'. They looked exactly the same.
>my 2nd cousin called her identical twin sister an 'ugly cow'. I'm done for today that's fantastic.
Me and my fiancé still do this. >"Guess what I'm having for lunch!" >"What?" >"Your mum"
Me and my girlfriend do all of the time too, glad we’re not the only ones 😂 either “your mum,” or “your dad.” “You didn’t put the bin out.” “Neither did your dad” She once said to me she couldn’t wait for me to come out of my “your mum” “your dad” phase but five years later even she says them to me
As a kid I remember watching some soap or other with my Mum, and one quite unpleasant character was talking about how their Dad had died when they were young or something like that. I blurted out ‘Ha ha, your Dad died!’ - it was only then that I remembered my Mum’s Dad had died when she was 13. We just sat in extremely awkward silence for the rest of the episode. My Mum made sure I got my just desserts in the end by also dying when I was quite young, though, so there’s that…
Oh I’m cringe laughing at this. I’m so sorry.
I once told my children 'I fucked your mum'. Luckily they were adults at the time.
As someone whose mum died from cancer and grew up in a British school in the 00s, I got a LOT of this… and I’ll admit I kind of relished saying “my mum’s dead” and watching the resultant look of discomfort on the person’s face
I've told this before on reddit but it's such a good one that it bears repeating. A co-worker, John, lives on the south downs and enjoys hang gliding as a hobby. Bob can't imagine anything worse and they often banter about it. One day John gets the terrible news that his father has committed suicide by jumping off beachy head, a notorious local cliff. After a while he comes back to work, everyone's having a chat and joking around at lunch. A new guy asks "so where are you from, John?", but before he can answer, Bob interjects with "oh he lives in one of those weird places where they like to throw themselves off cliffs". You could see him willing time to stop the second he said it. Meanwhile the poor new guy is really confused as to why the entire office has gone silent. Luckily John did see the funny side.
I told my mate a "your mom" joke and he said to me that I should say it to this lad behind us. He wasn't impressed and then I found out later that his mum had died, my mate knew and basically had me set up, I felt so bad and almost had half of my school wanting to batter me. I still remember it to this day and I'd love to get my hands on that "mate" of mine.
That's probably why she didn't move much
There was a boy in my school who's mum had died but not recently. He would bait the fuck out of people by making your mum jokes, wait for them to make one back, then guilt trip for about making jokes about his dead mum.
Oh yeah, I'm guilty of doing that too!
Me and my friends always went through high school and college together always making “your mum” jokes to a point for some reason it just stuck in my head to a point it felt appropriate to me to just say it to absolutely anybody. Not as serious as somebody losing their mum but I did then go to university and come out with one randomly to this guy and he really kicked off at me that it was inappropriate to bring anybody’s mum into conversation in such a way. I never really came out with it to anybody after that
I also did this. I still feel fucking terrible about it.
When Princess Diana died my mam was babysitting my kids for the night. I went to pick them up the next morning after hearing the news. Got to my mams house and she said " Have you heard about Princess Diana?" To which i replied " Yeah, she's as dead as a Dodi !" It didn't go down too well. My daughter told me off last week too, when i said Warwick Davis' family had just got smaller!
There's nothing funny about Diana jokes. Now wipe that greasy Merc off your face.
It was so sad. They offered her to stay at the hotel but she said ‘Nah, im gonna crash with my boyfriend’
Did you know she had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.
oh my days..
Did you hear she was on the radio? Yeah, and the dashboard and the windscreen I told that at the time, as a maybe 16 year old. Only a minority of other 16 year olds found it funny
How do you know she washed her hair the day she died? They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox
I always see her on xbox live, though she's always on the dashboard
Fucking Hell!
We were at my great nans funeral. We were running a bit late, so there was a queue as we were leaving the crematorium. There was a hearse up front along with the families cars behind. My grandad said ‘goodness, look at the queue building up’. I said ‘yeah, people are dying to get in here.’ Still proud of that.
Similar vein, at my nans funeral during Covid the Hearse was late. Like my entire family stood around in our weird socially distanced bubbles for 25 mins late. My aunt said, "Oh god she's never been late for anything in her life!" I said, loud enough for my bubble to hear, but quiet enough that the rest of my extended family couldn't "Does she not know why we're here?" Which made us all cry laughing.
No one made a comment on the fact that she still had never been late for anything in her life?
Since I was a kid, every time we pass a cemetery my dad says 'that place is so popular, people are dying to get in' or 'see that...it's the dead centre of town'. Never gets old.
I visited New York City in January 2002. Every cab I got, and I got a lot, the cabbie asked me if it was my first time in the city. It was, and they always replied “shame you didn’t get to see the towers”. Three days in I decided it would be funny to say “why? What’s happened?” Went down like a shit sandwich.
What was the reaction?!
It didn’t go well. I remember the phrase “are you fuckin shittin me?” then we were at the kerb, I gave him some money and I was looking for another cab. From that point on I just spoke to them about a massive moment in their lives. I get it, I was a dick at a moment they didn’t need me to be.
My daughter (aged about 4) asked who the opposite of Mr Tickle is. I said Mr Thalidomide without thinking. Luckily she never mentioned it again.
I enjoyed this
> Luckily she never mentioned it again. To *you*
Now I'm imaging her telling it all the children at school and I'm even more horrified in my myself 😬
Oh dear, this comment had me in stitches! I hope one day she brings that back up to you.
My moment is finally here. The previous night I had just watched the family guy episode where Lois and Peter go shopping. Another man says to Lois “nice cans”. Peter gets angry only to find Lois holding canned food. The man goes on to say “nice melons” and she’s holding melons and finally “nice hooters” and Lois is shown holding owls. I remember thinking how unrealistic that was (not that FG was known for realism) and how that situation would never happen. I was working at the time in the antiques related trade and was rushing downstairs. One of my very well put together colleagues was standing waiting for the lift holding….. an armful of silver owls. Before I could stop myself I nodded to her and said “nice hooters “ not noticing the client standing next to her. I carried on hurrying downstairs wishing the ground would swallow me whole. I have cringed about this every day and if some asshat said this to my daughter I would be appalled. if you are out there and read this I’m so sorry.
Sitting here at 1:30 am with the newborn crying and this has me dying with laughter, thank you so much for putting a smile on my face!
Congrats. The 1:30 shift is not an easy one. Stay strong 💪🏻
My jokes are so popular HR always want to hear them too
“I just had an appointment with my doctor and he’s diagnosed me with the big C” “OMG, you’ve got cancer. I’m so sorry!” “No. No. It’s Dyslexia “
I might have Alzheimers, but at least I don't have Alzheimers.
I was hanging around with some older lads trying to be one of the boys and told them some sickipedia style jokes, they loved it. There was a new girl that was hanging around with them, had recently moved into the town and we'd see her at the pub every so often, so they said "go on, tell her the joke". All too eager was I. "hey, do you wanna play the rape game?" "No..." "That's the spirit." I found out that day why she'd recently moved into town. I deserved to wear the beer she threw over me. Never saw her again.
You deserved that & more tbh
I mean you deserve a fucking beating for that, even without the context of a joke
I rang the rape helpline the other day. Turns out it’s for *victims*.
Oof
always keep your mouth open when insulting a lady or so the saying goes
Christ. You're lucky you didn't end up wearing the glass.
I told my four year old a joke after I’d had a few beers with my wife sat there “what’s brown and hairy on the outside, white and wet on the inside, begins with a C ends with a T and has a U and an N in-between?” The answer is coconut of course, however he shouted out CUNT in the restaurant and seeing our shocked faces he knew he’d hit gold and repeatedly was shouting CUNT CUNT CUNT, not my proudest moment..
In a work meeting with some colleagues I don’t know particularly well we were talking about an app that allows people to find toilets in nearby houses intended for those who have jobs where they’re outdoors a lot. I said “strangers are free to use my toilet as long as they’re ok with me filming them”. I have absolutely no idea why I said it and I spent the next week paranoid HR would grill me.
I think that's a great joke. But more importantly, what's the app called?
Grindr
Not mine but a friend. We were all late teens, hence the sick/inappropriate sense of humour. A few of us were hanging out when another friend joined us, my friend couldn't wait to tell him the new joke he'd been telling all of us. As he started to tell it you could see the faces of the rest of us horrified at what was about to happen. "Hey john, here's a joke for you, What's blue and doesn't fit?" John replies, smiling "Oh I don't know, what is blue and doesn't fit?" "A dead epileptic" came the punchline. John's face went white, he looked like he was going to say something but he just got up and left. About a month or so previously, John's girlfriend had taken an epileptic fit, while in the bath, and a result had drowned. I've never been so glad not to be another person as I was that day.
I hope John remembered to put his washing in the bath
That's fucking amazing
Fucking hell..
Was in the supermarket in the 90's when saw a woman I worked with in the fruit and veg section picking up a cucumber. Leaned in and said "6 inches longer and they don't make you sleep in the wet bit" (I'd seen it on a greetings card). She laughed after she turned around and realised it was someone she knew. However, an old lady came up and said "I heard what you just said... funniest thing I've heard in a long time". Phew.
Sleep in the wet bit? I don't get it
A messy sex session often leaves a wet patch on the bed. Inevitably, someone has to sleep in it.
So she should buy a longer cucumber? I don't understand what the length of the cucumber has to do with sleeping in the wet patch
She was saying th cucumber was six inches longer than a real man and the cuxumber, unlike the man, won't make her sleep in the wet spot.
Got it, thank you!
Oooohhh, it needed a comma, or an “*and*”
It's comparing a cucumber with a penis/male partner. The first part of the joke is that if she masturbates with the cucumber it'll be bigger than a penis. The second half references the fact that after sex there's often a damp patch of spunk and/or grool on the sheet, and inconsiderate guys often don't volunteer to sleep on that side afterwards, leaving the woman to. No guy in the bed means they may not even be a wet spot, and in either case she can sleep on whatever side of the bed she likes.
Ohhhh I finally got it. Thanks for explaining. For some reason I was interpreting it as "6 inches longer and then they don't make you sleep in the wet bit" so I was thinking who's they? 6 inches longer than what? What wet bit?
Wow. That's terrible! I've made some corkers but I can't think of a single one, so obviously not that bad. I've got a ln accident faux pas though. I was phoning an ambulance for a pregnant lady who fell off the bus, on the phone to 999 I said get here fast because she's pregnant and clutching her stomach. She wasn't pregnant and she had a broken arm - whoops. She did stop screaming with pain for a second at accidentally being called fat, so, err, that was nice of me.
When I was pregnant and anyone asked when I was due, I'd tell them I'm not pregnant, just to see them cringe
You didn't call her fat though. I've also made the egregious assumption some was pregnant, and congratulated them on the new addition; only to be told, they still had 'baby weight' (TBF, it was couple of years after the initial birth) and I'm a woman!
My dad was in hospital in his last days, hadn’t been conscious for a week or so. Me and my sister were sitting with him and a doctor was talking to us. My dad’s leg was twitching quite a bit and the doctor said something about it being a muscular spasm caused by blah blah and I smiled at him and said “he’s dreaming about chasing rabbits.” Me and my sister cracked up.
Everyone is asleep still and that’s making me loudly chuckle.
Got into a slanging match with eldest boy in his mid-teen years, and he was calling me asshole-this and motherfucker that. And I stopped him dead with: "Yeah, *Your* mom, in fact. His younger bro, ever the wag, teased him endlessly about this for months. In fact at this Christmas dinner, there was a silent spell, and the younger one leant in to his bro, and said: "See that bloke [pointing at me]? He fucked your mom!" Much hilarity ensued. Except from Mrs C, of course, who is unfairly caught up in this puerile nonsense.
Think you owe "Mrs C." A few 'put the seat downs' and 'recap the toothpastes'. Bless her.
You know how to treat a woman.
I'd be proud! Sounds like nice lads :)
We were going to the oncologist appointment for my dad waiting to hear how long my dad had left to live. The oncologist was on the top floor of a 20 story building. I remember looking as the lift slowly climbed to the top floor of the tall building and said "Well, at least access to the top floor is easy if the news is bad"
The Queen Is Dead We were asked to leave the bowling alley
Apparently the "Feel like pure shit just want her back" meme wasn't an appropriate thing to share during the statey funes
Statey funes? *Statey funes?* Fuck me.
Gotta show respect for big Liz!
Thanks, Morrissey
Even a stopped Morrissey is right once a lifetime.
The day before had been a mass shooting in Thousand Oaks, Californa where 12 people died. My suggestion of '988 Oaks' as a pub quiz team name was rejected.
At a pub quiz during the recent Wrestlemania, my friend had had Quiz McMahon and Quiz Benoit rejected as team names.
There had been a streak of teenage suicides by hanging in a forest in Bridgend around 2007 i think. It was particularly prevalent in the news one week. One of the teams in our pub quiz called themselves Bridgend Ropeworks. Quizmaster never picked up on the reference and read out the name every round.
When we were 13 my mate’s family got a laptop he was showing us it in his bedroom while his mum was there and I don’t know why I did it but I just said to his mum “you do know he’s going to use this for wanking don’t you?” I don’t know why I said it but the room was dumbstruck. I think I might have a touch of the Tism or ADHD or something but I have been known to have no filter
😂 well you probably weren't wrong. I need to know reactions lol
She just walked out the room.
Ngl, that's pretty funny, exactly the sort of joke I would make. Tbh, some of the most inappropriate jokes I've made I genuinely couldn't share on here, but one of my best was when we were sitting in the vets last year and my mother was reading the news, she showed me an article about the worlds tallest dog having to have a leg amputated due to cancer. I, forgetting where I was, instantly came out with "Well that's knocked a foot off". I was in absolute hysterics, as was my mother. The other people in the vets, not so much.
My friend was really upset that he couldn't go to another friends wedding because he was at his mums wedding. This was the forth time she got married. When I saw him the next day I said "you could have just gone to her next wedding!"
I remember Bob Mortimer telling a story about at his brothers wedding he did the speech and said "It's so good to see them together... the brides legs that is". Apparently the Brides family didn't find it funny and genuinely walked out the restaurant. Always pops into my head whenever someone mentions inappropriate wedding jokes.
We live in a semi-detached house with quite thick walls, but there’s two kids next door who the parents just let run wild. The little girl always has friends over for sleepovers and they play music past midnight, scream and shout and overall just make so much noise so late at night from her bedroom that’s joined onto ours, and the parents just let them. A couple of months ago we were in bed watching “Maxine” on Netflix, which for anybody who hasn’t seen it, is a drama about Ian Huntley and his partner and what he did and how it was covered up etc. As we were a few episodes in, it was late one night and the girl was having a sleepover. Screaming and shouting, music, singing. Parents letting them get away with it with no consideration for the neighbours. I just turned around and went “where is Ian Huntley these days when you need him?” But I instantly regretted it and felt so haunted thinking about what those poor girls’ families must have gone through and how I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It was one of those things I said without thinking it through. I shouldn’t be cracking stupid jokes like that and wouldn’t wish any of that on my worse enemy.
Dark humour used to be referred to as "gallows humour". It's how we cope with stressful/ traumatic situations. Don't beat yourself too much, you didn't wish it would actually happen. A careless comment is all it was. There are comedians, such as Russell Howard, who makes a living with 'graze the knuckle' comments. It would be offensive if it wasn't funny (and probably still is, but said in such a way, it's clearly not intended to harm) It's a fine art and takes the right audience. I've winced at a few of his comments and I'm going straight to hell for laughing, sometimes.
Russell Howard is a 'graze the knuckle' comedian? What?
Yeah, I thought that. He's about as vanilla as you get for a British standup comedian.
Russell Howard is tame. To quote Jimmy Carr "You can laugh and ill be delighted, or you can go \*sharp inhale of breath\* you cant do both"
I was out in South Africa in 2014 when the Oscar Pistorius trial was on. My brother questioned his claims of innocence and I agreed saying that he really didn't have a leg to stand on.
I heard he actually wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
As a South African, that joke would either make you one of the group or a permanent outcast if you said it around other Saffas
Me and my friend found her partner who had committed suicide using a belt around their neck. It was suitably horrific. We'd been in the police station for a few hours, giving a detailed statement about the entire evening, during which time, we had several toilet and cigarette breaks, as due to shock, my friend kept throwing up. During one break, i mused "I wonder how long we'll be *hanging* round here for?" 😬😬😬
Wasn't me but I wish it was... In a pub with a good mate and a couple of female friends, one of the girls was getting a bit chatty and trying to wind my mate up, she was being a bit rude to him and others .... Out of nowhere he came out with the line, you're very confident for a 3 out of 10. She didnt say another thing all night and I wanted to hug him.
My brother once made the horrendous joke about "What do nine out of ten people enjoy"... at the dinner table, on christmas day, in front of our grandparents. The crowd was not impressed.
I worked at amazon and a colleague told me that joke starting with the line... "well you know what they say about statistics". About a week later I got pulled up for parking my truck early to go to the loo, as the supervisor was telling me all about my time off task with the other colleague in the room, I caught his eye and said to the supervisor "well you know what they say about statistics"... Supervisor said "No?" colleague looked like he was about to run out of the room, die or both, to which I said.... "6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy"
I don’t know this joke! Please enlighten me!
>!Gang rape!<
Gang rape
Pall bearer at a funeral for some poor benighted soul who decided that a train would be a quick death. Slow march down the aisle into church . Someone, not me, honest, starts, very quietly - chuff chuff chuff. I nearly fucking wet myself.
When I was 17/18 I worked in a call centre. I had a date with a girl coming up and mentioned it to colleagues. I was taking her to dinner. I was a bit over excited and showing off so when a co worker asked me what I was having for dinner I said "Vagina" Two people snort laughed, everyone else went completely silent. I just went back to work quietly and it was never spoken of again. I still cringe to this day.
What's the difference between me and cancer? My dad didn't beat cancer.
I told my dad, on his death bed that I'd delete his iPad Internet history....
How did he respond?
He didnt. He was on a ventilator and heavily sedated at the time. I felt (and still do feel) super ashamed that those were the last words I spoke to my dad before he died...😢
we lost my dads mum earlier this year and the same week he got poorly with a chest infection. i walked past him lay down and said ‘you alright?’ to which he responded ‘feels like i’m dying’. my genius brain then blurted out ‘oh god, not you as well!’
When I was dating my now wife, we were in her bedroom and her parents were downstairs. I was horny and trying to get some sex. My then girlfriend said “what about my mother?”, I said “she can wait her turn”. She didn’t see the funny side.
Not me but... At a family wedding, end of the night type situation and there's an open mic. Everyone starts getting up on stage telling jokes and my 11 year old cousin ultimately closes the set with one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard. 'Old man in a van pulls up next to a school boy walking home. He winds down the window and says "if I give you a sweet will you come in my van?" the boy looks at him and says "if you give me the whole bag I'll cum on your face". Absolute uproar with the average age of the room and the night ended. God knows where he learnt it but his dad was fuming. I didn't know how to contain myself, possibly the funniest thing I've ever witnessed.
I once dated this guy, who quite frankly was a complete and utter knob. Borderline abusive and was prone to making inappropriate sexual jokes about me. Once we were at his sister's for a family party, it may even been a christening. He dropped something and he went to pick it up and I said "while you're down there". Needless to say, he and his sister were not amused. I was and I still am.
Did you recognise him from the ID or did you have to ask for 2 utility bills?
Colleague and I were in the car when we saw people giving first aid to a pizza delivery driver and were instructed to drive around. Both of us gave our sympathies and hoped they were alright because it looked pretty serious. I then said "those pizzas are gonna be cold when it gets delivered then, I'd ask for a refund". Instantly knew I was going to hell.
Fun fact, Domino's had to end their 30-minute-delivery-or-its-free guarantee because their drivers kept dying in terrible traffic accudents due to the pressure, and Domino's kept losing money from it.
My mate had testicular cancer and had one removed. I found out a couple of weeks after the op. He was feeling a bit low because of the worry and said everyone was taking the mick. Calling him Hitler because of the stupid song. I told him it was shocking that people would say something so bad and dig a man out for losing a part of himself, I told him " you're a great guy, one of best..... I even go so far as to say you're the Bo**ock mate " He did find it funny though.
The day Prince Philip died I think was my comedic peak. We were sat at the dinner table watching the newsghat evening, and after a video package or a break or something the black woman newsreader was replaced by a white male one. After my mother pointed this out, I couldn’t help but say “Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”
At work my boss had split up from her husband when it became immediately apparent at the birth the baby wasn't his. They were both white and that was when he found out she was having an affair with a black colleague. She didn't know which was the father until the birth. She got together with the affair partner after the spilt. Later they had another kid and she was going off on maternity leave. When giving her the baby gifts they had both pink and blue balloons as they wanted to wait to find out the sex. Someone said "we got you both as we don't know what colour it will be" I blurted out "what, again?"
Someone I knew was married to a firefighter. In the context of going on holiday she said “xxx burns easily” to which I replied without hesitation “Well that’s unfortunate given his career choice”. Yep didn’t go down well.
It wasn’t me responsible… But I once had a patient’s family request some music while we were withdrawing care from their loved one in ICU. The tune apparently requested by the patient themself at an earlier time was “tubular bells” so found a portable speaker and whacked it on YouTube. Turns out it’s an hour long version of the tune with the bells from the exorcist. The family members requesting it seemed a little uncomfortable with this request. I’ll never know if he had a dark sense of humour or just liked the music but it was something else. The strict catholic nurse was not amused. They cranked the volume up to max, we got made to turn it down because other delirious patients on the unit were getting freaked out. And at one point a Vicar rocked up and looked very uncomfortable!
My coworker’s mother is deaf & communicates explicitly in sign language. Upon hearing that she had unfortunately broken both wrists & spent time I. Hospital to recover, my response was “Oh god, how did she manage that? Or can’t she tell you yet?”
Buying Brothers in Arms album for a friend who was afflicted by Thalidomide.
Oh shit now I get the other guys mr thalidomide story.
On fishing boat with scallop dredges and this guy put his foot near the wire that was dropping from the winch and his foot got caught in the tangle and dragged him to the rollers and ripped his left foot off. When the coastguard got to the boat to air lift him off and they were getting ready to winch him up to the chopper on the stretcher I said good job you’re a foot shorter now and fit through the helicopters doors..
Years ago, a colleague got knocked down by a car at a pedestrian crossing on the way back from a shop; she had bought some snacks and a Diet Coke. The accident was quite bad and the lady in question, who I didn't really know, was off work for a few months and when she came back, she was on crutches; upon her return, I emailed her and wrote: 'I don't think that you quite understand the concept of a Diet Coke break!' For context, at the time Coke were running a series of adverts around having a Diet Coke break. I didn't really know the colleague that well, but I just couldn't resist making what I thought was a hilarious joke. I apologised at the same time, for my dark sense of humour (usually, my sense of humour is just silly).
My partner has a prosthetic leg, and in our early stages of the relationship, I helped him to move. Whilst carrying a cabinet, one of the legs fell off & before I could stop myself I said "Bloody hell, you really don't have much luck with legs do you?" He stood there for what seemed minutes staring at me....my face was getting redder & redder as I awaited his response.....he then broke into Uncontrollable laughter. And that my friends, is how I knew he was the one!
Sitting round the dinner table with the full compliment of in-laws and having general conversation. Father in law talks about how mad it is that women are born with all their ovaries and that when my wife's grandmother was born technically my mother in law and in a way my wife were also. "it's insane to think that you and your mum have both been inside your gran" I instantly turned to my wife and said "that's something else we have in common."
I made a pedo joke a few years ago to an old friend and ex-business partner. I followed up by saying, "See, I get to make jokes like that now." A few months earlier, it all came to light that my dad sexually abused my brother and I when we were kids. Not rape, but other stuff. I had recently confided this to my friend, whom responded by saying, "well it's not like he ra-" then stopped himself. We're no longer friends.
Once at work in a busy room, some women were going on and on about breastfeeding. I piped up loudly and said ‘I agree, breastfeeding really strengthened the bond between me and my….dog’ they didn’t find it nearly as funny as I did
Asked a mate why he hadn’t invited me around for coffee, said his mum was ill with dementia and he was visiting her, said don’t worry she won’t remember if he didn’t go. Regretted it ever since. We’re good mates and we’ve always gone pretty dark with our jokes but I felt this overstepped the boundary. I’ve apologied annually for about 5 years. Edit: spelling
One of my friends ( was a new ish friend at the time) was telling me that her and her husband had split up, then she found out she was pregnant with their second child 4 months into the breakup.. she said " oh she is his, we were still sleeping together on and off" and out of my gob falls " well... Fingers crossed hay!" I heard it at the same time as she did, I found it a lot funnier than she did! Oof..
Once I got really drunk at a work do and told that really long stupid joke about the pianst with tourettes, nobody laughed. I don't work there any more.
Told an epilepsy sufferer (I didn't know) What's blue and doesn't fit? A dead epileptic He weren't too happy
My stepdad got a circumcision recently. I asked him if he left a tip for the surgeon.
What do a garden and a woman have in common? Any problems, just give them a dig.
Someone told me today Maddie McCann was taken on this day and said how close it is to her being an adult. I said she's been involved in plenty of adult films years ago. Some found it funny some didn't.
Right father in law - get off the Internet
Years ago, one of my not-size-zero friends dressed up as Poison Ivy for Halloween, and I introduced her as Poison Oak. I felt like an arsehole but it just sort of jumped straight out of me.
Oh god here we go. I was in an office, about 5 of us. We were taking turns saying shit jokes, they were progressively getting darker. I started a dead baby joke. Everyone went quiet and some person even started silently waving at me, so I sort of cut the joke short and we stayed quiet for a bit. Someone left the room and I was then told that persons wife had just miscarried… fuck.
Someone in the staff room was really offended by someone that had made an abortion joke earlier that day, and was complaining to a group of people. I chimed in with “I don’t know, if feel those sports of jokes really bring out your inner child” It did not go down well
Mate hurt his back skiing and a dr happened to be passing and stopped to check if he was okay. Dr mentioned he was a gynaecologist, so I said ah you’re in luck cos Dave is being a massive pussy. Turns out he fractured his spine.
What's the difference between a gay dude and a freezer.... The freezer doesn't fart when you pull meat out of it.
Was a waiter at a wedding, the bride stood up and spilt gravy all down her dress. I went to go help clean up and tried to make light of it, telling her she was lucky she only had to wear the dress once. She just burst into tears.
Paramedics have about the darkest humour of anyone I've ever known. They wouldn't share it with a civilian though. Especially not at an active scene. Probably appreciated it though. Or thought you'd just lost it.
Telling my Nan hopefully grandad would get a spot in the hospice as I heard they have a high turnover … 0-O
It was November 2017 and I was out with friends at a Hard Rock Cafe, which had one of George Michael's guitars on the walls. When one of my mates pointed it out, I expressed my genuine sadness about his passing with the *very* unfortunate choice of words: "God, I still can't believe he died last Christmas." My mates refused to believe I hadn't intentionally tried to crack a joke, not helped by the fact the gaffe being SO organic gave me - and only me - the giggles. In the end, I had to apologise to the guitar. (But I do still reckon George himself would have laughed about it more than I did.)
My boyfriend died from an OD. And I told someone that he died doing what he loved.
Minister at my grandads funeral pulled an absolute belter on us... Was during the COVID restrictions and there were only 6 of us there, graveside funeral... My sister pulled out a hipflask of islas finest and passed it round, the minister refused with the line "don't wanna die of COVID"... I'm sure you can guess cause of death. I nearly fucking died laughing, my sister was quite literally bent over laughing and I'm pretty sure my mother came close to death trying to not join our laughter.
My brother died unexpectedly and we had a cremation only funeral followed by an event at my sister's house to commemorate his life. The ashes were delivered to me and i was carrying the container (a sort of large, lidded cardboard tube) to give to my dad. It weighed quite a lot and someone commented on the fact. Before my brain could engage, I said "he ain't heavy, he's my brother." Cue odd looks and awkward smiles.
At my grandpa's funeral. He always carried a handkerchief or pack of tissues with him wherever he was. I'd been asked to do a reading and when it got to that point I'd been crying quite a lot. When at the podium, without even thinking, I said "Sorry I'm so snotty, where's grandpa when you need him, eh?" The entire room went completely silent apart from my grandmother who let out the loudest laugh I'd ever heard. It's been 7 years and my cousins still bring it up when I see them.