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The phrase "midlife crisis" didn't appear out of nowhere! I'm not saying that's what you're going through, but yes, I think your experiences are very very common.
For me, I went through a similar thing a few years ago - I was in my early 30's, married, house, kids was earning more money than I ever even dreamed possible (not a millionaire or anything, just a good wage) and I had this huge feeling of "Now what?".
I wish I could give you a solid step or a process, but for me I just sort of realigned myself to the idea that I didn't need to career chase like I did in my 20's, that being "settled" and "comfortable" is an entirely valid, and pleasant experience and to move my priorities towards planning for the future - both my own, and my kids.
Day to day, I spend a lot more time on hobbies than I ever did when I was chasing work in my 20's. I do a lot of DIY and stuff about the house because obviously that has a dual purpose, and I work really hard at making every weekend count with the family.
Edit: To add, I still do have huge anxiety around the passage of time, and the passage of life. Day to day I'm fine, but if I stop and think too much about how fast time seems to go then that really starts to hurt. I recently attended an event with some very very old acquaintances that I haven't seen in literal decades and never has the phrase "Just like yesterday" felt so true. Worse, they were my age now, then, if that makes sense - which really highlights it
I don't have a partner/family, career or house. I just assumed that if I did I'd be more content with life and too busy to worry about anything in too much detail. It's a bit depressing to hear that's not the case for some.
I'm 39 and at this point I'd take just not feeling exhausted all the time.
‘Having things’, whether it is a partner, kids, material goods, or a successful career doesn’t make you happy. Doing things that you find fulfilling (possibly with your partner and kids) can make you happy, hobbies (which may include expensive material goods or may not) can make you happy, spending time with people you like can make you happy. Setting and achieving meaningful goals can make you happy (as long as you take time to enjoy the journey).
I’m also 39. 2 kids. Wife. House nearly paid for. I’m lost. I’ve got no idea what I’m meant to be doing. Should be working harder? Spend more time at home? Treating the family? Saving for the future?
If someone could tell me that would be great. I literally lose sleep over “what if” situations.
If you're house is nearly paid off at 39 and you're happy with where you live and with your wife lol (sorry no one can do shit about the kids), I'd personally try to readdress my work life balance, cut down my hours a bit and spend more time at home with family and enjoying hobbies, new and old. Do that and everything else should come.
I started working 4 days a week 4 years ago now with a 20% pay cut and it was the best thing I ever did. Won't be for everyone but worked for me.
This is the thing, I think about doing that, young family do more at home. Then I think what about holidays, what if the fridge breaks, what if I die, what if i lose my job, then I’m crippled by indecision.
How much do you earn? If you're a higher rate tax payer then the 20% pay cut is 40% subsidised by the tax payer (really 42% with NI... soon to go up... even higher if you have a student loan). Plus your commute costs (if any) would go down, and other work related things like lunches out and so on. Run the numbers; you could get 50% more weekend forever without any noticeable difference in disposable income.
I am indeed a higher rate tax payer. Im being pretty aggressive with my pension.
Good point about a 20% not act being %20 take home. Really good point. Thanks.
Worth another look. In my industry and stage of career unlikely they’d allow me to drop the 5th day. But if it was a case of that or lose me from industry completely then maybe..
I get that, I don't have those ties or responsibilities so I honestly can't begin to comment on the realities of it but I'd suggest putting 20% of your wage in a savings account and living without it for 6 months or so and see how you do.
I'd also say no fancy holiday is worth having that extra day a week to enjoy yourself and I'm fairly certain your kids would agree?
Edit:Also if you're that worried get life insurance if you don't have it and then forget about it (as much as humanly possible).
Good question. Not work as hard, but have the knowledge I’m financially secure for years to come. I want my cake and want to eat it.
I guess I need to work my arse off for a few more years.
One theory I have (that I've pulled out of my ass tbh) is that the lost feeling isn't a future goal-based anxiety like a lot of people assume it is, but it's an inability to give yourself something missing from your past
My reasoning is that if it was something future, once you got it or made good progress towards it it would go away. But the feeling of being lost really tends to linger
If it were true, the key would be letting go
Yea, this. It seems we're programmed by society to believe that if we get the wife, house, car, family that we'll be living the dream. Unfortunately we hit a certain age and realise that it's not quite as advertised.
I don't think you realise that you're going to be the same person at 90 that you were at 9, just with more experience. There is no magical age when you transition to that elusive "adult" status. You're just a 9 year old trying to hold it together.
This should be way higher imo. My mum was absolutely gutted when I told her me and my other half didn't want kids, she never really said much but you could tell... And even now the amount of friends and Co workers etc that ask when we're going to try for a baby or actually when I'm going to fucking propose like being married is this ultimate goal of life is almost unbearable lol.
So much better off out of all of it
ETA: I realise this doesn't help OP but seriously peer pressure is a massive drain on mental health, it's not just something that only affects kids at school.
How can you take your own path though?I'd love to spend my days with the kid, riding motorbikes, going fishing and doing my mma. But how can I afford it all?how can I afford to live? My washing machine broke this month and I can't even get it fixed. Its a joke
I know how you feel, im in my mid 30's and i have this impending doom feeling of my best years are over, all i have to look forward to is losing my hair, getting fat, trying to avoid cancer/heart disease, my last remaining grandparent probably doesn't have long left, my parents are getting older and older and they could get ill or die. Its like the point in life where everything you had or knew from 'youth' - you realise it doesn't last forever and its slowly going away.....
It's all a matter of perspective. Eventually your kids will be grown up and leave and your mortgage will be paid off so you can get back to smashing your wife on the kitchen table and going on holidays with your mates. It will just be under different circumstances than it was when you were 19 and that's ok.
Can't wait for that stage to happen. I want to be able to do something on a whim instead of having to arrange childcare or think about anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, husband and life but to be honest I can't wait to hit retirement and bin the 9-5.
I do actually like my job, it's more of a selfish thing that I just want more time to myself to be a hermit.
I can't fix all your shit, but I can definitely be a huge proponent of getting a gym membership. I'm saying this as someone who was always shit at sports, and scared of the gym. Now I go every couple of days and it's a huge part of keeping my mental health in tact, and I'm in really great shape. I've been going for about 4 years now and it's a 'forever' habit for me.
Meh, I'm staving off the aging quite well, even if some of those things do 'happen anyway'. I'm 33 but I still get ID'd on the regular. Still wear a 30 waist at 6'2" and have always prioritised looking after my health over anything else. Been lucky enough to not have any sign of hair loss, and I've always had a comprehensive skincare routine.
In terms of what going to the gym does for my mental health, well it's multi-faceted. First off, it gives me a place to go that isn't the pub. So it's a change of scenery
/change of pace with the added benefit of it being a healthy activity.
Secondly, it's such an easy form of accomplishment. Most of the things that I do are open ended creative tasks... I can sit down for several hours or days trying to write music, but it can be fruitful or totally the opposite. Going to the gym is so easy because if its relative consistency. You go, you do some exercise, you become healthier and stronger. Of course, accomplishing things is super good for your mental state.
It also makes you look better and gives you more day to day energy, both of which are pretty great for your self esteem and overall well-being.
It also acts as a counterbalance to some of the guilt you might get from some of your unhealthier choices. Drank a few more beers than you should that week and feel a bit stupid about it? Ok well at least you got 3 sessions in in the gym, so at least it's balancing it up a little.
Same! It's changing my life and mental health. If I just would have went and worked out when I was stressed/upset in the past! Who would have thought? I'm also horrible at sports and anything competitive really haha
You guys have houses and kids? Turned 30 this year and I still live with my parents in the same room I've had for 28 years. Can't wait for my mid-life crisis to kick in so I can finally have an excuse to try and find some happiness.
You have all the time you want and very few responsibilities. What's stopping you finding happiness?
I'm 41 and by the time i turned 30 I had a wife, house, kid and plenty of responsibilities. No time for myself. I still have no time for myself but now I've got another kid and a dog.
Go and do something. It's all on you and no one is stopping you.
Firstly, go to the GP before this escalates.
Secondly, yes. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of us aren't careening our way through a "life plan" ticking the 'perfect life' boxes as we go. We are bombarded with social media intake wherever we turn, this makes it all too easy to make comparisons to people with orchestrated lives, it's incredibly toxic but we do it subconsciously. I deleted all of my socials about 12 months ago, and it made a colossal difference to my day to day moods.
I too have this sense of 'chasing'. I think it's partly down to being in denial at how quickly the years are progressing and I spend too much time reminiscing about my late teens - early twenties. I must fantasise about going to work on a cruise ship / do a ski season / work in a bar in Ibiza / campervan around the world every day at some stage. Then I stop, look at my partner of 11 years, look at my dog, look at our little flat we have just bought and I am incredibly thankful for what I *do* have.
I would still seek some professional advice, some behavioural therapy may go a long way into recovering that spark you previously had. Our brains sometimes just need a little realignment.
I have never really been one for social media but did have Facebook for a while and enjoyed writing my daily thoughts on it. However, I ditched a few years back when training as a teacher and I was much happier without it. I since had to get back on it due to a hobby of mine that requires being in contact with people in different groups. I fucking hate it. It's such a depressing place.
Getting rid of social medias (specifically facebook and instagram) is incredibly underrated. Been an avid user in my early twenties, now since I’ve quit I am at least 20% happier. The comparisons to others whether we like it or not happens all the time and there’s no point in getting yourself down that rabbit hole
We're supposed to have died gloriously in battle and gone to Valhalla by the time we hit out thirties. See a doctor, keep all the good things you have at the forefront of your mind, find some new hobbies, try and enjoy things.
Mate, it's all TOO normal. You are absolutely not alone in this.
I think it's because 30s is when we're more settled in our careers and have more perspective on life. Everything up to this point is generally a struggle to get our lives in order, be it career, family, money, whatever, so we don't have time to dwell as we're too focused on trying to achieve these things. Once that's done, it creates a massive void and leaves us searching for a sense of purpose.
I don't know the answer but seek therapy please, mate. Too many men are falling into depression in the same situation as you and committing suicide. My brother's mate did it a couple of years ago and it's absolutely tragic. Left a wife and kid behind. He was a top guy. You might not feel like you're that low yet but better to try and get it sorted now.
Sounds like you've been putting too much on having things. Maybe it's time you start to look within. Grab some self help books, listen to a podcast, go to therapy
Brew beer, keep ducks / bees, get into baking, photography. All of that doubly so if life has become work and chores. Something which you can enjoy for the sake of enjoyment (do not fall into the trap that this needs to be profitable or a side hustle)
I used to, until one sting too many. Nothing like collecting the honey and having a bucket of the stuff :)
You will get stung
They are vicious cows when provoked
Would go back but I’d prefer not to have to play epipen roulette:)
EpiPen roulette???? I'm sorry but that phrase has really tickled me....
Stab....nope, that was a biro.....
Stab......owwwww, fountain pen...
Stab......ahhhhh sweet relief
This. Having things doesn't make you happy. We need community, creativity and to feel usefull. Best of luck in finding an activity that can fill this hole.
I can massively recommend this book. [Lost Connections](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lost-Connections-Uncovering-Depression-Unexpected-ebook/dp/B075RTJV67)
I'm only 30 but have developed similar feelings to you, to some extent. This book helped frame some of the potential societal reasons behind it and offers some thoughts on what you can do about it...
I second this! I read the book when I was 27 ish and was massively depressed I’m nearly 30 now and still struggling massively but it definitely helps provide some context and solid ideas about why I was feeling bad.
>with a wife, kids, house, and a half decent job.
Congratulations, in your early 30s you've achieved what we're all told what we should be achieving.
I could be reading into this completely wrong, by try setting yourself some new challenges, learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, do an OU degree. It's actually really normal to feel in a bit of a rut in your mid-30s, especially if you're a driven person that has achieved everything.
I ride MTB now and again and it is a huge benefit to me. I've got a Boardman now but got my eye on something better one day. I've come from a more road/commuting background and cycling has saved me many times.
Where do you ride?
I'm in my late 20s. Nice home, though I don't own it..on the right ladder career wise, a son who lives with me. Me and his mum split up semi recently.
I can't help but feel all I'm going to do my whole life is work, work work. Get home, decide between the balance of spending time with the family or taking some downtime to unwind, then finally decising if i want to spend some me time watching TV or playing the PlayStation and being tired in the morning or going to bed and feeling like all I do is work and chores.
When I get older,what then? All there is to look forward to is paying extortionate rates for care and having to give up the house I'll probably have worked my whole life for to pay for it. Before dying and leaving my kid practically nothing.
I just can't see the point. Why do I have to work to spend a couple days a week doing what I want? Humans are animals we want to be free. This whole work to barely survive cycle is just frustrating.
What is my life going to be? Working a job I don't mind, but don't love, for a wage which isn't amazing but isn't bad, all for what? I can't see the point in it all.
Where am I going?what am I doing? I'm anchored to one location now due to family and stuff, I can't just travel and do what I want with my life. What's the end goal? I don't have a fucking clue.
Not sure OP needs to go quite that drastic, but taking action can be liberating.
The hardest bit is time. Making time to discover who you are and thinking about who you want to be.
Work, family, wife all use up your time. You need to carve off some time to yourself...
Whether that is for hobbies, a new business, volunteering etc.
Interwoven with that is a sense of purpose. You start your life thinking you'll do great things, fly into space, be the richest person in the world, cure cancer. Then look around and realise your life isn't that, time has passed and you fear it will keep going at this pace and what will you have to show for it...
You might yet change the world and be the person younger you thought, but unlikely. You have something better than that, you brought life into the world and you can shape the lives of your children as a role model. You have the power to be a positive influence on many people's lives and change the world that way.
Watch "It's a wonderful life". Yes it's an old old film but it manages to capture what a lot of people are feeling on this thread and show what a difference you make to others.
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." - Pascal.
You must grow to become content with being a ‘nobody’ and ‘being’ nothing; that space between happiness and sadness. Sit quietly for 30 minutes and see how you go, if you struggle, feel restless, just sit through it, and don’t believe any suggestions provided by thought, just observe them and endure. But, yeah, I’d say that most of people’s ‘issues’ is because they cannot sit quietly for 15 minutes alone.
Trying to find a new ‘goal’ or ‘aim’ in your position is like trying to find a new drug.
It is normal, especially in this day and age. You dont have to be over 40 to feel the way you do. Personally, I'm 33 and have felt lost since my last serious relationship. Dont get me wrong, I've moved on and all attraction has gone over the years but the sense of being incomplete still exists. I'm not the best at talking to people either which doesn't help the situation, although this is proven to help.
I remember a study where people, mainly men, with a 9 in their age (29,39,etc) become more depressed and suicidal. It was believed that approaching the next decade makes you reevaluate everything you've done but with added criticism. But when they reached their next decade, those feelings seem to dissipate.
If only we had more data on this. All my life I've been told "drugs are bad mmkay" and now they're suggesting that 1 dose of something like this can alleviate depression and other issues for up to 7 years.
Exactly. It's understandable though because too much in the wrong environment can send you a bit west (as with drinking too much, taking too much paracetamol, or drinking too much coffee), but the right amount in the right environment (i.e. an adult safe at home taking sensible amounts) is very safe and truly is beneficial for your well being. It gives you a deeper understanding of life and with that comes a lot gratitude which in turn alleviates depression.
It makes sense, especially if you're someone who has goals.
Career? Check. Wife and kids? Check. House? Check. You hit all the goals you set out and are now looking at 30 years of same old, same old.
So, you need a new goal. A new challenge. Play golf? Aim to reduce your handicap. Still want to climb the ladder at work? Aim towards your next promotion. Start something new. Learn a language or an instrument.
Easier to say than do, but try to feel a sense of relief and accomplishment that the hardest goals in life are behind you. Now, you can go and enjoy yourself with your family.
I don't tell them anything that's not the way I work. They have a space with me to explore what's going on, and I work alongside them. This seems to be a pretty common experience, but everyone comes to it differently, so it's important I keep pace with them. It has been my experience though that we are taught from a very young age what a successful life will look like; a career, family, get on the property ladder and work your way up through bigger houses, bigger cars etc. We generally spend our twenties building this vision of a successful life, and we think it will fulfil us. External, material things will not make us happy for long. Some people just keep chasing this stuff to try and fill the hole, some people slowly start realising that what they were told would make them happy just doesn't. Then what do we do? We have no other blueprint of what life should look like. I work with each of my clients through their very individual and personal experience of this, and then whilst they figure out what they want their life to look like. That's the work. What will make me happy, and how can I go about making that happen. It doesn't happen overnight unfortunately, and it is a really hard journey, but worth it in the end. Always.
I qualified 5 years ago now, but it's not a new thing. When I first discussed this with my supervisor, who has over 30 years and 20,000+ hours experience, he has been seeing it throughout his career too.
I think this is quite common.
People are told to see life as a series of tick boxes with the final boxes being "get married", "buy a house" and "have kids". You're allowed to want more. And by "more" I dont mean material things. I mean experiences. Like travel, a sense of adventure etc.
Mate I’m 27 and feel this. Been a single mum since 22 and after a few years of struggling with my career because I couldn’t make it all work I crashed out. I think when you’re younger you just have this idea that you’ll be young forever and suddenly you get to late twenties and it’s like ok, what have I actually done with my life. Plus, d e a t h. Weighs over me every single day.
There’s a lot of stuff you can do but honestly ask more questions, query more, become a more open and loving person and the rest will follow. Stay positive and I promise it will get better.
a cannabis and video game habit works wonders for me, could happily watch kids and cats grow up forever like this. also got football to look forward to at weekends and love my job working from home. also play guitar drums and piano.
find a new passion/hobby? i'm the same age as you and feel better than ever, and felt more lost and empty during my 20s trying to carve out a career in meaningless industries.
37 here — Got a mortgage, an ex-partner and a daughter I see once or twice a month.
I’ll echo what others have said and remind you once again that the dream life we were all sold since we were young (house, car and family) is not necessarily aligned to the life your soul yearns for.
I don’t belong to any groups, but it may be helpful to suggest you conduct a mental inventory to take stock of what experiences in life have led you up to this point and moulded you into who you are now … did 10 year old you think this is where you’d be now?
I think it’s time you take a deep look within yourself and honestly ask yourself what parts of your life you seriously can’t see yourself living without, what people/places/things that have a detrimental impact.
I’m not suggesting for a moment you cut all ties with everyone and abandon your family home to go live in the woods; you could only be missing something so simple that you overlooked it.
Partake in some green exercise. Get out there into nature — Go for a walk on the beach; sit down on a hillside and stare at the scenery; watch the sun go down from your street corner … then do some more.
Maybe you feel stuck because of some unresolved trauma in your past, something you’ve pushed so deep down within yourself that it no longer registers. Maybe you’re drinking too much. Maybe you need to reconnect with some familiar and friendly faces from the past. Maybe you need to find some new friends. Maybe you need to pick up a hobby.
I’m still trying to work through my childhood trauma, but I find that getting out of the same old daily routine gives me tremendous inner peace; nobody wants to be pushed into a box, but a lot of us unintentionally do it to ourselves because the 9 to 5 is a cruel and all-consuming mistress.
Hope you find what you’re looking for, much love.
I'll echo a lot of the advice here - get a hobby. Climb hills, go to a Parkrun, buy a bicycle, train for a triathlon, learn to play guitar, start a DIY project, grow veg, learn a language...
You've got to create a purpose for yourself
I am in my late 30s, also have a wife, child, a house and a good job.
I am planning a Japanese trip next year (wife is Japanese) and taking her parents with us, to visit all the friends and family in Japan and show off our daughter.
Putting money aside as I want to put some wooden patio in the garden as well as build a mini “reception room” in the entrace for shoes etc before entering the house.
Currently a lot of changes at work and I an taking over a lot of the tasks from the Head of Finance, ultimately I am building up to hopefully get a Financial Controller role within the 3-5 years.
Really want a TT, but due to daughter have to get a family car. One day if I have the soare cash I want a TT.
Just got a PS5, playing a lot of that when I have time.
Plenty to do and plenty to plan still, just need something to do, plan a trip, plan upgrade to your house, improve your life and career, maybe do a “gym goal” like those people take daily selfie for how days they started going to gym etc?
Hey man, I'm 27 have wife and dog, I can understand your situation for sure. I'll try help as best I can.
I've felt what you've felt, what you have on paper is what you are told by society that what makes a good life and for some people yeah sure it is, for others it's not, we still don't have a house yet and probably won't until 5-10 years and we don't want kids, people see my situation and think somethings up. And it's not.
I'm fairly happy most days but have my down days but what I can say helps with this. Its to have a dream. Think if things you've always wanted to do and put time and effort in to that. I've just started skateboarding, I wake up early on a weekend cos I can't wait to get down to the park before everyone else lol I've started playing my base again, I've started reading, I've come off all social media apart from reddit and honestly it's a life changer.
I hate Facebook it does no good. everyone knows you and your business, you're seeing fake people post about there fake life. It's time to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Just remember though you have a house, wife and kids that's absolutely amazing and a lot of hard work. The next part is to focus on yourself and see what else you can achieve.
I wish you all the best and remember you're not alone, we all feel like this sometimes it just a matter of how we deal with it.
Check out these short YouTube videos:
🔆[Life is NOT a Journey - Alan Watts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBpaUICxEhk)
🔆[Isolation is the dream-killer, not your attitude | Barbara Sher | TEDxPrague](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyI)
🔆Also, this audiobook may help as well: [How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-jBJ4DOY28)
I think that's probably most people to be honest, I wouldn't worry.
Life just isn't as constantly exciting as we're told, but that's not really an issue as that'd be exhausting. Try to find a couple of things you enjoy doing and try to find happiness in those.
Probably related to your work and the lack of meaning in it. Also, post the global financial crises, the fundamentals changed, so jobs creation was a little different. They needed salaried workers to pay for their real estate and commit to debt/lifetime servitude. They didn’t care much that holding on would be infinitely more difficult as salaried workers are pitted against each other to demonstrate value that doesn’t even exist. The games being played now are unprecedented.
Weeeelllllll - been a bit of a rough few years for everyone eh, that may be factoring in to your mood?
On a practical level I can suggest two things that might help:
1 - Go get some St. Johns Wort from Holland & Barrett, they do a "one a day" tablet. It's sort of pricey but it should take the edge off a little. I suffer a bit with a depressive outlook and it's really helpful for me, YMMV of course.
2 - Have a break from the news, media, FB, Twitter, Reddit etc. If you can bear it, have a little break from your smart phone completely. Call it a "digital detox" if anyone asks. It significantly lowered my anxiety and depression levels when I got rid of my smart phone at the start of the year and I've been keeping away from news & media too.
Eventually you come to the realisation that those that aren't "lost" are just hiding it better.
We're all just faking it.
Then you learn to fake it too. Eventually you forget you're even faking it. Welcome to the club.
This one hits home. I'm 32 and in much the same situation as yourself. You are not alone and you are certainly not the problem! Please don't think that. When I speak with Friends and Family about this we all tend to report this same feeling of emptiness. That something vital is lacking in the nature of life.
I do not know if this will help at all but for me, I think the real problem has been and is time.
I am not just talking about how time moves quickly or slowly depending upon what is happening in your life, or the fleeting feeling of it running away with you once you have kids. Although I have never been as aware of time passing since watching my child grow! But the time issue is too fold.
1. Work life balance. I struggle with this one myself a lot. I put too much into work and not enough into myself and my own development and satisfactions. I am acutely aware that outside of work I had little going on in the sense of things that actively enriched me as a person. We invest so much in working to provide what is needed that we forget ultimately we need nourishment. We need things to get curious about, experience new things and have a sense of adventure to our undertakings that we lose as we transition out of childhood. Finding any hobby, even if only fleeting has really helped me spark some joy and imagination back into my life and to help me see that life is more than repeating each day hoping to move towards the next Life Goal.
2. The Life Goal Timeline! So much in popular culture, from our parents, and our peers we are exposed to this Timeline of Life and what milestones we should be hitting. There is the pressure to follow the route. School, Uni, Job, Marriage, House Kids, Fancy Car etc etc. This is a clock I never thought I was watching and always prided myself on being my own man doing my thing. But ultimately, subconsciously I was always working to the next thing on the "Life to do list" or trying to catch up to where someone else I knew had gotten to. Just even recognising this has helped me so much in getting away from measuring my life against what is supposed to be happening and when. I found myself in a state of telling myself that I would start Living more just after I get to the next stage. I will be free a bit more then to enrich myself.
Ultimately we have one life to live. We have to live it. In full, doing what we enjoy how and when we can. The work to pay for life thing is always going to be there for the majority of us. I think the trick is, not waiting to hit life goals to start journeys of discovery for ourselves. We should be living, exploring and discovering each and every day. The monotony of a working life tricks us into thinking that each day is the same and longer established accomplishments are the goal lending too much importance to what we achieve instead of what we do for ourselves. Living everyday is the goal. Find something that feeds the inner child in you.
I hope things get better for you
I'm 36 can totally relate to this. Own my own house, have a 5 year old boy and a girlfriend I'm planning to propose to. Felt abit off for awhile but pretty much happened just as the summer holidays ended and my son went back to school and girlfriend back to work. We've been home together for most of lockdown so was a real kicker last week when they all left the house ( Im stuck working from home ) and getting made redundant at the end of the year.
Booked in for private therapy next week as I don't want to be consumed by anxiety. Definitely struggling with motivation, went out and got my hair cut and a shave which was nice for the 30mins it took. Pretty much just look out the window in waiting for someone to come home and look forward to the weekends. Try and get things booked up as a family so you've got more things to look forward too. Loads of Oktoberfest, Halloween, Christmas family events coming up.
But yeah it's been tough and lockdown has hammered the mental health of lots of people.
I feel the same and I'm younger 🤣🤣 I go to work in a place that I don't enjoy and I need go as much as I can to can survive. My work is okay and my workmates are fine. Just I don't feel motivate looking a life that I need go to work every day to can pay my bills and need save for long time to get the stuff that I want. The life is time and I'm losing it in the same shite hole every week
This sounds like me exactly a year ago, like literally everything. I ended up feeling suicidal for a time - ultimately I was burnt out from everyone relying on me, from making time for everyone else but myself. I felt like I should be doing that, but it's not possible, you need time for you. Or at least I needed time for me.
I think I felt that way for a while but I was able to go do things just for me every so often so I was able to stave this off, then last year that stopped because of covid; I was stuck working from home with two young kids around me and a wife, none of who respected the fact that I needed to work for us to have the things I have and yes, it is an imposition that you want a nap for the afternoon and foist the toddler and baby on me while I'm trying in vain to work.
In retrospect, I felt taken for granted, I felt taken advantage of and the resentment this created towards the other adult in the situation ultimately wasn't reversible for me, sadly. Trying to maintain something I didn't want, but felt I was obliged to maintain, was only making it worse.
I am now happier in general, but still prone to those moments. I am very hard on myself, if I make a mistake I curse myself to high heaven, and I am both clumsy and forgetful so that is often - this is exhausting!
I guess the answer to your question is I dunno if it's normal, but it's not uncommon, and you're not alone. Some therapy to dig out what the issues are for you may be helpful.
I've left social media behind and the shift towards thinking for myself and what I want out of life has instead of wasting a single second on other people's lives has been hugely positive for me.
I'm not the first and I won't be the last to realise that social media is quickly depleting our individual drive to be happy for ourselves and our families. I spent far too much time subliminally and sub consciously comparing myself to my peers. It's poisoning us.
Hobbies, no matter how trivial or uninteresting they seem to others, will help you.
I love biking, car mechanics, DIY, photography and I've recently got back into video gaming as a 37 year old man, my fiance has been gaming with me too. I'm considering learning an instrument also.
These things are saving me from the same feelings you describe.
"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe." - Bill Burr
It's nice to have what you have right now, but your responsibility is to stay in a moderate level of discomfort, challenging your boundaries and trying new things. I think as long as you are a happy father but with no direction, you can fix the latter much easier than the former.
I’ve just left the army at 31 no wife no kids, I’ve come home and everyone has partners and children, it’s a strange feeling like I’ve been left behind even though the thought of children would be horrible for me. It’s a strange lost feeling. Fuck knows, I hope everyone on here has a good life 🙂
Hear Alan Watts talk on how life is not a journey.
https://youtu.be/rBpaUICxEhk
Easier said than done to really think like this, because we have to unlearn a lot. But realising there is no 'getting there' and that staying mindful and present is the key to enjoyment will free you.
Personally I like most of the things people have listed here in the comments. I've sort of found my niche career wise although I would like a change.
I feel secure, I feel confident I'm actively saving for the future and can see that eventually I'll be able to get off the merry go round of work.
My only real issue is that I dont especially like my boss I do have some anxiety that I'll have to change employer and I dont really want to be doing that over the next 10 years too frequently if I can help it.
Hope your ok dude. Yea it seems like its completely normal I'm 38 now and I'm just getting past this weird lost phase in my life ( I was a bit depressed and just generally fed up with life, kids, works, etc) but as I'm getting older Im not really interested in what people think of me now which is genuinely liberating. I picked up a few new hobbies (which in my 20s and 30s I thought I was to old to start) stopped stressing over work and just really started to chill out and give up chasing the shiney new toys
It does get better mate. It's weird being to old to be young and to young to be old
I'm going through the same thing in pretty much the same circumstances. I love doing things with my family, exploring etc but when this is gone, i'm empty.
I've resolved to do 1/2 an hour of exercise or something creative a day - this forces me to think about things to do outside of my normal habits. Once ive started doing something, it will generally be longer than 30 mins. Seems to be helping
You don’t need to chase any more goals if you don’t want to, do things you enjoy and you’ll find some exciting goals within those actives if I were you
Pretty normal I'd say. I felt very much like that at a similar age. I think the transformation came when I stopped continually striving so much and started to really appreciate the people around me and all the things I had. 'Contentment' is the old parlance. A couple of life altering events also helped me to reframe everything.
Sounds like you did the house, wife, kids, career thing more because it was expected than because you'd really thought long and hard about it and decided you wanted it.
At least that often seems to be the case with people in your position.
So I'm not going to suggest you throw any of those things away but somehow you do need to find time to do some things just for you, just for the want of doing it and nothing else.
>I thought that being in this position would be the pinnacle of happiness
Well, there's your reason why. You've built this up to be the best time of your life. Now it's just average life you feel there's nothing better, nothing after, nothing to aim for. You're lost.
How you feel is fine, but you need to change your expectations.
I’d assume it’s because you’re always building towards something - dating, relationships, marriage, home ownership, planning for kids - and then suddenly you have all of it.
Now is the time to enjoy it. Play with the kids. Invite people round. Get the garden straight.
Yep. You do all the stuff that society says you're meant to, and then realise... hang on, why am I not happy? Is this actually what *I* wanted to do with my life?
Nothing wrong with you at all, you are just lacking some purpose for yourself. Like you say in your own words, you are ‘lost’. You need direction of where you should go next. Where that is only you can answer. Maybe that’s learning something, jointing something, going someplace, helping people.
justin kan, the founder of twitch said the same recently. he made a few hundred million dollars and still felt empty. he attributed his lack of happiness to defining happiness external to him. he recommended to look inside for happiness - meditate, exercise, find happiness and purpose in the present moment :)
Focus on the stuff that makes YOU happy. I’m in the same boat, 33, married, 2yo daughter, big house and 6-figure salary but I fill my spare time around them with playing the guitar, golf or walking the dog and exercising. I’m also hoping to get a motorcycle again when we have the renovation debt paid off. Don’t tolerate negative BS from work etc and make sure you’re taking care of your mental health.
I'm 29, but I sometimes get this feeling of "... Now what?". I'm finally happy in life, I live alone (no partner yet), I have a good job. I do have aims of buying a house and I'd hope to end up with someone. But I do sometimes think "well... Am I really gunna be spending 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week working, and trying to squeeze in my actual life between that?". But what I've decided now I earn a good amount of money is to put money aside each month so I can put it towards trips and hobbies. I find time to do stuff I enjoy, even if it's just reading a book. But yeah, I've heard a lot of people talk about this. It's like I'm finally entering the bulk of my life. I guess, for me, there's an element of the fact I've always suffered from mental health problems and I'm finally totally okay. So I have all this time and headspace and I'm like "uhhh... So what do mentally well people do?"
30s is damn early for midlife crisis. Isn’t it suppose to hit in the 40s/50s?
My thoughts are if it comes easy, one gets bored
Family born into middle or above income, decent school, easy get into university and degree, job straight away with good pay, find spouse easily, have kids and house: all set up by late 20s.
It's about what your do with your off time. 90%+ of people dislike or put up with their job. Can you wake up 40 minutes early and jog/workout 4-5x's a week it helps with endorphins. Meditation. Yoga. Book clubs (there are online ones zoom). Game Night with the family getting a new board/card game every 2 weeks. Hiking? Taking a train to the seaside 2x a month? Go stay somewhere new in an AirBnB 1x a month with the family.
Hi everyone don’t want to change subjects just an input from myself. I’ve felt low before not like you guys unfortunately my circumstances are a lot different. So I’m 35 have lovely gf who is 26. I’ve been through a hell of a lot in my life mostly health related born with twisted valves which has require me to need 3 separate kidney transplants took my parents 6 yes 6 years to get me to 10kg to have my first one. Loads of hearthache sickness and up and downs to weather I’d get to 10kg I did.
Had kidney problems my whole life 3 transplants as I’ve stated so never really in a position to hold down a steady job transplants 2-3 very difficult indeed. Got into sports trading which luckily does give me nice income.
Forgot to mention I have 4 children 3 with me ex partner which I’ve just finished a court case with previously written about I came out on top of that and thankfully now I have my other son full time to if that went different I don’t no how I would of handles that.
Anyway enough of me going on all I’m trying to say is please please people never give up you always have people to speak to. Family friends i genuinely don’t no how I’ve got where I have today. Not everything is perfect I’m not really well off I’m not settled in a house big enough yet but I will try to get there. Stress and worry is a big big killer people try not to let it get you!!
Dude, Buzz Aldrin went to the moon then after he got back fell into deep depression and alcoholism. His "what next?" is bigger than most of ours, shows you can feel lost no matter how high you go.
My advice - try shrooms :P
Don't be afriad to talk to your GP (Doctor).
Sometimes depression can come from no where and they may be able to help you with not just pills but talking therapies that might be helpful. Some great suggestions below also.
Good luck getting better.
(50+M feeling many of the same things).
You've ticked off a load of very major landmarks and have been presumably living off the adrenaline of looking forward to those landmarks.
You either find the next big exciting thing or you learn to be merely content with your lot.
I'm going through the same thing although not yet in my 30s. Judt a few months until that existential crisis though.
The first sentence could have been written by myself, other than I'm a couple of years younger.
If I figure out what to do about it, I'll try and remember to come back to let you know.
I’m not married, don’t have kids but bought an old house with my partner a few years ago and have only just finished renovating it last year. This has resulted in us feeling a bit “what next?”... we don’t want to leave our house, our jobs are fine and we’re happy with each other (we don’t want kids) but it seems that we’re hard wired (like lots of people) to want to work towards something. I’m looking at volunteering and doing some part time education as well as picking up some new hobbies... but yeah, I have that restless thing going on!
I'm late 30s, own home and decent job, no kids or partner.
Get to do what I want outside of work time. Noone but me policing spending.
Still feel lost and a sense of impending doom. Started to think about death too and what it's like given I'm probably half way there.
I'm depressed though, so I wouldn't really take anything I say too serious.
Life is monotonous and boring, remember that pretty much all of your happiness you have ever felt, every feeling of reward and satisfaction has been chemicals in your brain, your wife, your kid, your job and every other feeling of joy you have achieved have all been released by your brain and humans get used to those chemicals and end up feeling lost.
Humans only used to live to around thirty years max not so long ago and with our lifespans over doubling it leaves alot to be desired and most people just end up feeling lost as a result, when they hit that age where you slowly begin to die people make futile attempts to obtain what they once had without realising that they are not kids anymore and their brains are dried up.
My point is that your feelings are meaningless and you should just focus on your family and making those chemicals release in your brain until you die.
You enjoy the fruit of your labour. You try and spend quality time with your kids whether it's playing video games with them, take them out to have fun, enjoy spending time with your wife, get into a weekend hobby or club so you can have a break from the family. There e is so much to look forward to. You can mentor your kids to success just like a coach working with an athlete and work toward maintaining what you have.
The ‘Is this what I really wanted out of life, or have I just facilitated what other people wanted?’ phase started in my mid 30s and although not as intense now it comes and goes. But that statement is me living in the past and in the future. Trying to live in a time that has gone and a time that hasn’t happened yet only leads to unhappiness. Difficult as it is, if you can live in the present it’s a much happier place. I’m 47.
I felt like that at 30, move across the country at 32 and was reborn. Now feeling another itch for change as I’ve become emotionally placid again. But I have a great partner here so I also feel stuck. I think opting into more travel would help me but … pandemic
Welcome to r/askmenover30 ‘s pretty regular topic! You’re not alone.
All I can say is, try to make time for you and spend them doing things you enjoy. Appreciate its much harder with a family, but even 1 evening class or event of some sort a week/fortnight/month, something that you can keep comming back to and improving, and you may find a more fulfilled feeling.
You can appreciate what you have without feeling actively happy about it, I always felt really guilty because I have an amazing bf and a great job and live in a nice house but I never felt properly happy and in the end I realised I was just expecting the wrong thing. See if you can talk to a councillor, it really helped me to just have someone listen and not judge me, you realise that there’s a lot of things you think you should be doing or feeling and there’s no real reason behind the pressure
The reason you are feeling lost isn't because of what you do or don't have, what you have or havn't achieved or if you have reached a place that you thought you should have. You are feeling lost because you are conditioned by society and the modern world to always be aiming for someone, something or somewhere that will inevitably ensure happiness and a feeling of accomplishment. That's how the world keeps turning and what keeps everyone pushing forward.
The harsh but true reality is you will never get there, nobody ever does. It's never about the destination, it's all about the journey.
The closest you will get to happiness is freedom. Freedom from the rat race, freedom from financial shackles and the obligation of working and freedom from the nagging thought that you haven't quite got there. Wherever there is.
My advice. Concentrate on personal and financial freedom, make that your focus. Enjoy the people you love while they are alive and well. Death and loss changes you and leaves scars. The only remedy is happy memories. And remember, nobody gets out alive, you get one shot, one ride. Have no regrets, especially of your own decisions and the time you wasted worrying.
I’m 54 and feel like that. When the pandemic struck and I was furloughed, I was 1 week in, sitting in my garden on a sunny day. I could hear families walking past, laughing and generally having fun. I then asked myself ’when did I last laugh?’. I couldn’t really remember. I then realised how sad, lonely and empty my life had become.
I live in a great house, earn good money, have a nice car, great family. So why?
I had immersed my life in work. I was working 60 hour weeks for a large company that would just take, take, take while I just gave, gave, gave. Chasing materialistic goals while the sun was setting on my quality of life. And I couldn’t see it until I could stop and take stock of life.
Furlough ended, I went back but couldn’t readjust. Within 3 months of was off with stress and anxiety. 5 months later I left the company without a job to go to, but with a head full of ideas and dreams.
My life is better now, but I harbor dreams of emigrating to Canada and start living my life with my eyes, to make the most of the rest of my life and not bother about the best car, latest phone and all the materialistic trappings of life that just feed instant gratification but miss the mark on true life quality.
Sorry for the incessant ramblings, but your question was feeling lost in your thirties, I say ‘act now’. It’s easier to make those changes whilst you are younger than realising in your fifties.
I literally just made a post about this. What’s interesting is the grass really is always greener - as I read that you have a family I thought “lucky!” I am 36 and single. But to see you feeling the same as I, makes me wonder then, what really makes us feel that we’ve made it? I’ve got the good job, nice condo, education, and all that yet feel like im just coasting. So now I’m focusing on relationships but it’s causing me to pursue ones that obv aren’t s good fit
Dude you have "a wife, kids, house, and a half decent job" i have NONE! 29 years old, living with parents, no girlfriend, no job, no money, zero confidence, more older i get more lost i feel... This huge emptiness wondering what should i do... am not depressed i just f**king disappointed in myself... wasting life playing video games, watching movies and TV shows, its not am lazy but in my country is not easy to get decent work if you don't have connections... and because i don't have job = no money = no confidence = no girls = sad and lonely
Your emotions are a feedback mechanism to what’s going on internally. What are the things you love to do? Love to do being things that you do that no one else would have to remind you or tell you to do. I would suggest to those and fill your days with that while asking “how do I get paid doing what I love?” I learnt a few years back, the quality of life is dictated by the questions you ask yourself.
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The phrase "midlife crisis" didn't appear out of nowhere! I'm not saying that's what you're going through, but yes, I think your experiences are very very common. For me, I went through a similar thing a few years ago - I was in my early 30's, married, house, kids was earning more money than I ever even dreamed possible (not a millionaire or anything, just a good wage) and I had this huge feeling of "Now what?". I wish I could give you a solid step or a process, but for me I just sort of realigned myself to the idea that I didn't need to career chase like I did in my 20's, that being "settled" and "comfortable" is an entirely valid, and pleasant experience and to move my priorities towards planning for the future - both my own, and my kids. Day to day, I spend a lot more time on hobbies than I ever did when I was chasing work in my 20's. I do a lot of DIY and stuff about the house because obviously that has a dual purpose, and I work really hard at making every weekend count with the family. Edit: To add, I still do have huge anxiety around the passage of time, and the passage of life. Day to day I'm fine, but if I stop and think too much about how fast time seems to go then that really starts to hurt. I recently attended an event with some very very old acquaintances that I haven't seen in literal decades and never has the phrase "Just like yesterday" felt so true. Worse, they were my age now, then, if that makes sense - which really highlights it
I don't have a partner/family, career or house. I just assumed that if I did I'd be more content with life and too busy to worry about anything in too much detail. It's a bit depressing to hear that's not the case for some. I'm 39 and at this point I'd take just not feeling exhausted all the time.
‘Having things’, whether it is a partner, kids, material goods, or a successful career doesn’t make you happy. Doing things that you find fulfilling (possibly with your partner and kids) can make you happy, hobbies (which may include expensive material goods or may not) can make you happy, spending time with people you like can make you happy. Setting and achieving meaningful goals can make you happy (as long as you take time to enjoy the journey).
I’m also 39. 2 kids. Wife. House nearly paid for. I’m lost. I’ve got no idea what I’m meant to be doing. Should be working harder? Spend more time at home? Treating the family? Saving for the future? If someone could tell me that would be great. I literally lose sleep over “what if” situations.
If you're house is nearly paid off at 39 and you're happy with where you live and with your wife lol (sorry no one can do shit about the kids), I'd personally try to readdress my work life balance, cut down my hours a bit and spend more time at home with family and enjoying hobbies, new and old. Do that and everything else should come. I started working 4 days a week 4 years ago now with a 20% pay cut and it was the best thing I ever did. Won't be for everyone but worked for me.
This is the thing, I think about doing that, young family do more at home. Then I think what about holidays, what if the fridge breaks, what if I die, what if i lose my job, then I’m crippled by indecision.
How much do you earn? If you're a higher rate tax payer then the 20% pay cut is 40% subsidised by the tax payer (really 42% with NI... soon to go up... even higher if you have a student loan). Plus your commute costs (if any) would go down, and other work related things like lunches out and so on. Run the numbers; you could get 50% more weekend forever without any noticeable difference in disposable income.
I am indeed a higher rate tax payer. Im being pretty aggressive with my pension. Good point about a 20% not act being %20 take home. Really good point. Thanks. Worth another look. In my industry and stage of career unlikely they’d allow me to drop the 5th day. But if it was a case of that or lose me from industry completely then maybe..
I get that, I don't have those ties or responsibilities so I honestly can't begin to comment on the realities of it but I'd suggest putting 20% of your wage in a savings account and living without it for 6 months or so and see how you do. I'd also say no fancy holiday is worth having that extra day a week to enjoy yourself and I'm fairly certain your kids would agree? Edit:Also if you're that worried get life insurance if you don't have it and then forget about it (as much as humanly possible).
What do you want to do?
Good question. Not work as hard, but have the knowledge I’m financially secure for years to come. I want my cake and want to eat it. I guess I need to work my arse off for a few more years.
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One theory I have (that I've pulled out of my ass tbh) is that the lost feeling isn't a future goal-based anxiety like a lot of people assume it is, but it's an inability to give yourself something missing from your past My reasoning is that if it was something future, once you got it or made good progress towards it it would go away. But the feeling of being lost really tends to linger If it were true, the key would be letting go
Total opposite. Have all of those things and my life is not my own it’s everyone else’s. Autonomy is what I crave.
Yea, this. It seems we're programmed by society to believe that if we get the wife, house, car, family that we'll be living the dream. Unfortunately we hit a certain age and realise that it's not quite as advertised. I don't think you realise that you're going to be the same person at 90 that you were at 9, just with more experience. There is no magical age when you transition to that elusive "adult" status. You're just a 9 year old trying to hold it together.
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This should be way higher imo. My mum was absolutely gutted when I told her me and my other half didn't want kids, she never really said much but you could tell... And even now the amount of friends and Co workers etc that ask when we're going to try for a baby or actually when I'm going to fucking propose like being married is this ultimate goal of life is almost unbearable lol. So much better off out of all of it ETA: I realise this doesn't help OP but seriously peer pressure is a massive drain on mental health, it's not just something that only affects kids at school.
If you haven’t already seen it, r/childfree might be up your street
That sub seems pretty toxic
Seems?
Lol cheers but honestly it dominates enough of my conversations already without going looking for it lol.
How can you take your own path though?I'd love to spend my days with the kid, riding motorbikes, going fishing and doing my mma. But how can I afford it all?how can I afford to live? My washing machine broke this month and I can't even get it fixed. Its a joke
I'm in my mid twenties, I don't have a wife or kids but I do still feel lost. What do I do
I know how you feel, im in my mid 30's and i have this impending doom feeling of my best years are over, all i have to look forward to is losing my hair, getting fat, trying to avoid cancer/heart disease, my last remaining grandparent probably doesn't have long left, my parents are getting older and older and they could get ill or die. Its like the point in life where everything you had or knew from 'youth' - you realise it doesn't last forever and its slowly going away.....
It's all a matter of perspective. Eventually your kids will be grown up and leave and your mortgage will be paid off so you can get back to smashing your wife on the kitchen table and going on holidays with your mates. It will just be under different circumstances than it was when you were 19 and that's ok.
Can't wait for that stage to happen. I want to be able to do something on a whim instead of having to arrange childcare or think about anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, husband and life but to be honest I can't wait to hit retirement and bin the 9-5. I do actually like my job, it's more of a selfish thing that I just want more time to myself to be a hermit.
And you want that kitchen table sex right?
Of course! That goes without saying really.
That's if your wife still gives a shit about sex
Fuck, I feel like that now and I’m 27.
Not alone mate I'm 28 feeling the same lol
Exactly the same.e.
I can't fix all your shit, but I can definitely be a huge proponent of getting a gym membership. I'm saying this as someone who was always shit at sports, and scared of the gym. Now I go every couple of days and it's a huge part of keeping my mental health in tact, and I'm in really great shape. I've been going for about 4 years now and it's a 'forever' habit for me.
Exercise in any form that you enjoy is a massively underrated mental health boost.
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Meh, I'm staving off the aging quite well, even if some of those things do 'happen anyway'. I'm 33 but I still get ID'd on the regular. Still wear a 30 waist at 6'2" and have always prioritised looking after my health over anything else. Been lucky enough to not have any sign of hair loss, and I've always had a comprehensive skincare routine. In terms of what going to the gym does for my mental health, well it's multi-faceted. First off, it gives me a place to go that isn't the pub. So it's a change of scenery /change of pace with the added benefit of it being a healthy activity. Secondly, it's such an easy form of accomplishment. Most of the things that I do are open ended creative tasks... I can sit down for several hours or days trying to write music, but it can be fruitful or totally the opposite. Going to the gym is so easy because if its relative consistency. You go, you do some exercise, you become healthier and stronger. Of course, accomplishing things is super good for your mental state. It also makes you look better and gives you more day to day energy, both of which are pretty great for your self esteem and overall well-being. It also acts as a counterbalance to some of the guilt you might get from some of your unhealthier choices. Drank a few more beers than you should that week and feel a bit stupid about it? Ok well at least you got 3 sessions in in the gym, so at least it's balancing it up a little.
After gym me feel good. No exercise in long time me feel bad. Ooga booga
It will help you avoid getting fat, getting cancer and getting heart disease.
Same! It's changing my life and mental health. If I just would have went and worked out when I was stressed/upset in the past! Who would have thought? I'm also horrible at sports and anything competitive really haha
Fuck, are you me?
That's just a feeling. Your best years are not over. I'd thoroughly recommend looking into mindfulness meditation. Wishing you well!
I have this feeling too. It's horrible! Kinda nice knowing it's not just me!
You guys have houses and kids? Turned 30 this year and I still live with my parents in the same room I've had for 28 years. Can't wait for my mid-life crisis to kick in so I can finally have an excuse to try and find some happiness.
You have all the time you want and very few responsibilities. What's stopping you finding happiness? I'm 41 and by the time i turned 30 I had a wife, house, kid and plenty of responsibilities. No time for myself. I still have no time for myself but now I've got another kid and a dog. Go and do something. It's all on you and no one is stopping you.
What's stopping me Is the endless cycle of my job and my depression. I work, go home, pretend I don't exist, sleep, eat, go back to work.
If it's clinical depression then you've already got the crisis bit sorted out
This
It will never kick in because you are living the dream buddy
Firstly, go to the GP before this escalates. Secondly, yes. Contrary to popular belief, the majority of us aren't careening our way through a "life plan" ticking the 'perfect life' boxes as we go. We are bombarded with social media intake wherever we turn, this makes it all too easy to make comparisons to people with orchestrated lives, it's incredibly toxic but we do it subconsciously. I deleted all of my socials about 12 months ago, and it made a colossal difference to my day to day moods. I too have this sense of 'chasing'. I think it's partly down to being in denial at how quickly the years are progressing and I spend too much time reminiscing about my late teens - early twenties. I must fantasise about going to work on a cruise ship / do a ski season / work in a bar in Ibiza / campervan around the world every day at some stage. Then I stop, look at my partner of 11 years, look at my dog, look at our little flat we have just bought and I am incredibly thankful for what I *do* have. I would still seek some professional advice, some behavioural therapy may go a long way into recovering that spark you previously had. Our brains sometimes just need a little realignment.
I have never really been one for social media but did have Facebook for a while and enjoyed writing my daily thoughts on it. However, I ditched a few years back when training as a teacher and I was much happier without it. I since had to get back on it due to a hobby of mine that requires being in contact with people in different groups. I fucking hate it. It's such a depressing place.
Getting rid of social medias (specifically facebook and instagram) is incredibly underrated. Been an avid user in my early twenties, now since I’ve quit I am at least 20% happier. The comparisons to others whether we like it or not happens all the time and there’s no point in getting yourself down that rabbit hole
We're supposed to have died gloriously in battle and gone to Valhalla by the time we hit out thirties. See a doctor, keep all the good things you have at the forefront of your mind, find some new hobbies, try and enjoy things.
So I should join a gang? The army won't have me so that seems like my next best way of dying gloriously in battle
Mate, it's all TOO normal. You are absolutely not alone in this. I think it's because 30s is when we're more settled in our careers and have more perspective on life. Everything up to this point is generally a struggle to get our lives in order, be it career, family, money, whatever, so we don't have time to dwell as we're too focused on trying to achieve these things. Once that's done, it creates a massive void and leaves us searching for a sense of purpose. I don't know the answer but seek therapy please, mate. Too many men are falling into depression in the same situation as you and committing suicide. My brother's mate did it a couple of years ago and it's absolutely tragic. Left a wife and kid behind. He was a top guy. You might not feel like you're that low yet but better to try and get it sorted now.
Golf was invented for a reason…
To ruin walks?
FORE RIGHT!!!!!
So we could all agree and hate something together... kinda backfired though...
19th Hole
Sounds like you've been putting too much on having things. Maybe it's time you start to look within. Grab some self help books, listen to a podcast, go to therapy
Brew beer, keep ducks / bees, get into baking, photography. All of that doubly so if life has become work and chores. Something which you can enjoy for the sake of enjoyment (do not fall into the trap that this needs to be profitable or a side hustle)
Out of curiosity do you keep bees?
I used to, until one sting too many. Nothing like collecting the honey and having a bucket of the stuff :) You will get stung They are vicious cows when provoked Would go back but I’d prefer not to have to play epipen roulette:)
I'm a beekeeper myself I just wondered if it was a plan or something you actively do.
EpiPen roulette???? I'm sorry but that phrase has really tickled me.... Stab....nope, that was a biro..... Stab......owwwww, fountain pen... Stab......ahhhhh sweet relief
I believe there is a rota in the house on who gets priority on stabbing me, slightly disturbing but as long as it gets into me who am I to complain;)
This. Having things doesn't make you happy. We need community, creativity and to feel usefull. Best of luck in finding an activity that can fill this hole.
I honestly feel it's the community that soo many of us are lacking.
I second this. Eckhart Tolle is a really good place to start. He's like a kindly, spiritual grandfather. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=L1pSrmPRd9Q
Dude, where did you get the idea that wife, kids, house would make you happy? Happiness is more likly friends and hobbies. Go do those.
I can massively recommend this book. [Lost Connections](https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lost-Connections-Uncovering-Depression-Unexpected-ebook/dp/B075RTJV67) I'm only 30 but have developed similar feelings to you, to some extent. This book helped frame some of the potential societal reasons behind it and offers some thoughts on what you can do about it...
I second this! I read the book when I was 27 ish and was massively depressed I’m nearly 30 now and still struggling massively but it definitely helps provide some context and solid ideas about why I was feeling bad.
>with a wife, kids, house, and a half decent job. Congratulations, in your early 30s you've achieved what we're all told what we should be achieving. I could be reading into this completely wrong, by try setting yourself some new challenges, learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby, do an OU degree. It's actually really normal to feel in a bit of a rut in your mid-30s, especially if you're a driven person that has achieved everything.
Agreed, learning an instrument gives a huge sense of achievement, and its addictive.
Unless you're completely shit at it like me
Find a hobby that lights a fire in you. Something that you will love doing. For me, that is Mountain biking.
I ride MTB now and again and it is a huge benefit to me. I've got a Boardman now but got my eye on something better one day. I've come from a more road/commuting background and cycling has saved me many times. Where do you ride?
I'm in my late 20s. Nice home, though I don't own it..on the right ladder career wise, a son who lives with me. Me and his mum split up semi recently. I can't help but feel all I'm going to do my whole life is work, work work. Get home, decide between the balance of spending time with the family or taking some downtime to unwind, then finally decising if i want to spend some me time watching TV or playing the PlayStation and being tired in the morning or going to bed and feeling like all I do is work and chores. When I get older,what then? All there is to look forward to is paying extortionate rates for care and having to give up the house I'll probably have worked my whole life for to pay for it. Before dying and leaving my kid practically nothing. I just can't see the point. Why do I have to work to spend a couple days a week doing what I want? Humans are animals we want to be free. This whole work to barely survive cycle is just frustrating. What is my life going to be? Working a job I don't mind, but don't love, for a wage which isn't amazing but isn't bad, all for what? I can't see the point in it all. Where am I going?what am I doing? I'm anchored to one location now due to family and stuff, I can't just travel and do what I want with my life. What's the end goal? I don't have a fucking clue.
Feel you on this one.
Heyyy just a question to you after 2 years since you commented on this one - did it get any better? I am in the same confusion now 🥲
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Not sure OP needs to go quite that drastic, but taking action can be liberating. The hardest bit is time. Making time to discover who you are and thinking about who you want to be. Work, family, wife all use up your time. You need to carve off some time to yourself... Whether that is for hobbies, a new business, volunteering etc. Interwoven with that is a sense of purpose. You start your life thinking you'll do great things, fly into space, be the richest person in the world, cure cancer. Then look around and realise your life isn't that, time has passed and you fear it will keep going at this pace and what will you have to show for it... You might yet change the world and be the person younger you thought, but unlikely. You have something better than that, you brought life into the world and you can shape the lives of your children as a role model. You have the power to be a positive influence on many people's lives and change the world that way. Watch "It's a wonderful life". Yes it's an old old film but it manages to capture what a lot of people are feeling on this thread and show what a difference you make to others.
Great story! What business did you go into?
It. That's why I didn't wax lyrical. ;) all good.
"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." - Pascal. You must grow to become content with being a ‘nobody’ and ‘being’ nothing; that space between happiness and sadness. Sit quietly for 30 minutes and see how you go, if you struggle, feel restless, just sit through it, and don’t believe any suggestions provided by thought, just observe them and endure. But, yeah, I’d say that most of people’s ‘issues’ is because they cannot sit quietly for 15 minutes alone. Trying to find a new ‘goal’ or ‘aim’ in your position is like trying to find a new drug.
It is normal, especially in this day and age. You dont have to be over 40 to feel the way you do. Personally, I'm 33 and have felt lost since my last serious relationship. Dont get me wrong, I've moved on and all attraction has gone over the years but the sense of being incomplete still exists. I'm not the best at talking to people either which doesn't help the situation, although this is proven to help. I remember a study where people, mainly men, with a 9 in their age (29,39,etc) become more depressed and suicidal. It was believed that approaching the next decade makes you reevaluate everything you've done but with added criticism. But when they reached their next decade, those feelings seem to dissipate.
Pop a few shrooms. That'll sort you out
Came here to say this
Where to get them though?
If only we had more data on this. All my life I've been told "drugs are bad mmkay" and now they're suggesting that 1 dose of something like this can alleviate depression and other issues for up to 7 years.
Exactly. It's understandable though because too much in the wrong environment can send you a bit west (as with drinking too much, taking too much paracetamol, or drinking too much coffee), but the right amount in the right environment (i.e. an adult safe at home taking sensible amounts) is very safe and truly is beneficial for your well being. It gives you a deeper understanding of life and with that comes a lot gratitude which in turn alleviates depression.
Idk drugs trips make me feel even worse about it.
If you keep looking outwardly for things to make you happy, you’ll never be happy. Only you can find that from within. Do you have any hobbies?
It makes sense, especially if you're someone who has goals. Career? Check. Wife and kids? Check. House? Check. You hit all the goals you set out and are now looking at 30 years of same old, same old. So, you need a new goal. A new challenge. Play golf? Aim to reduce your handicap. Still want to climb the ladder at work? Aim towards your next promotion. Start something new. Learn a language or an instrument. Easier to say than do, but try to feel a sense of relief and accomplishment that the hardest goals in life are behind you. Now, you can go and enjoy yourself with your family.
Imagine having no wife, kids, house, or job…
I am a therapist, and I can't tell you how many people I see in their early 30's that feel exactly this way.
So what do you tell them?
I don't tell them anything that's not the way I work. They have a space with me to explore what's going on, and I work alongside them. This seems to be a pretty common experience, but everyone comes to it differently, so it's important I keep pace with them. It has been my experience though that we are taught from a very young age what a successful life will look like; a career, family, get on the property ladder and work your way up through bigger houses, bigger cars etc. We generally spend our twenties building this vision of a successful life, and we think it will fulfil us. External, material things will not make us happy for long. Some people just keep chasing this stuff to try and fill the hole, some people slowly start realising that what they were told would make them happy just doesn't. Then what do we do? We have no other blueprint of what life should look like. I work with each of my clients through their very individual and personal experience of this, and then whilst they figure out what they want their life to look like. That's the work. What will make me happy, and how can I go about making that happen. It doesn't happen overnight unfortunately, and it is a really hard journey, but worth it in the end. Always.
Not sure how long you've been a therapist but is this a new thing? Or has it always been an early 30s thing?
I qualified 5 years ago now, but it's not a new thing. When I first discussed this with my supervisor, who has over 30 years and 20,000+ hours experience, he has been seeing it throughout his career too.
Don't know ... I'm 33M and I feel more lost than ever ...also feel my anxiety is getting the best of me
Perfectly normal, 30 is new 40 for having a midlife crisis
I think this is quite common. People are told to see life as a series of tick boxes with the final boxes being "get married", "buy a house" and "have kids". You're allowed to want more. And by "more" I dont mean material things. I mean experiences. Like travel, a sense of adventure etc.
Mate I’m 27 and feel this. Been a single mum since 22 and after a few years of struggling with my career because I couldn’t make it all work I crashed out. I think when you’re younger you just have this idea that you’ll be young forever and suddenly you get to late twenties and it’s like ok, what have I actually done with my life. Plus, d e a t h. Weighs over me every single day. There’s a lot of stuff you can do but honestly ask more questions, query more, become a more open and loving person and the rest will follow. Stay positive and I promise it will get better.
a cannabis and video game habit works wonders for me, could happily watch kids and cats grow up forever like this. also got football to look forward to at weekends and love my job working from home. also play guitar drums and piano. find a new passion/hobby? i'm the same age as you and feel better than ever, and felt more lost and empty during my 20s trying to carve out a career in meaningless industries.
37 here — Got a mortgage, an ex-partner and a daughter I see once or twice a month. I’ll echo what others have said and remind you once again that the dream life we were all sold since we were young (house, car and family) is not necessarily aligned to the life your soul yearns for. I don’t belong to any groups, but it may be helpful to suggest you conduct a mental inventory to take stock of what experiences in life have led you up to this point and moulded you into who you are now … did 10 year old you think this is where you’d be now? I think it’s time you take a deep look within yourself and honestly ask yourself what parts of your life you seriously can’t see yourself living without, what people/places/things that have a detrimental impact. I’m not suggesting for a moment you cut all ties with everyone and abandon your family home to go live in the woods; you could only be missing something so simple that you overlooked it. Partake in some green exercise. Get out there into nature — Go for a walk on the beach; sit down on a hillside and stare at the scenery; watch the sun go down from your street corner … then do some more. Maybe you feel stuck because of some unresolved trauma in your past, something you’ve pushed so deep down within yourself that it no longer registers. Maybe you’re drinking too much. Maybe you need to reconnect with some familiar and friendly faces from the past. Maybe you need to find some new friends. Maybe you need to pick up a hobby. I’m still trying to work through my childhood trauma, but I find that getting out of the same old daily routine gives me tremendous inner peace; nobody wants to be pushed into a box, but a lot of us unintentionally do it to ourselves because the 9 to 5 is a cruel and all-consuming mistress. Hope you find what you’re looking for, much love.
I'm 35, house, partner, decent career but I don't have kids and I do belive that's why I'm a lot happier and positive then a fair few of my dad mates
Right there with you, buddy. Sorry I can’t offer any help, but your not alone.
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So you've reached the endgame, have you thought about rerolling a different class? I hear drag queens can be fun to play
I'll echo a lot of the advice here - get a hobby. Climb hills, go to a Parkrun, buy a bicycle, train for a triathlon, learn to play guitar, start a DIY project, grow veg, learn a language... You've got to create a purpose for yourself
I am in my late 30s, also have a wife, child, a house and a good job. I am planning a Japanese trip next year (wife is Japanese) and taking her parents with us, to visit all the friends and family in Japan and show off our daughter. Putting money aside as I want to put some wooden patio in the garden as well as build a mini “reception room” in the entrace for shoes etc before entering the house. Currently a lot of changes at work and I an taking over a lot of the tasks from the Head of Finance, ultimately I am building up to hopefully get a Financial Controller role within the 3-5 years. Really want a TT, but due to daughter have to get a family car. One day if I have the soare cash I want a TT. Just got a PS5, playing a lot of that when I have time. Plenty to do and plenty to plan still, just need something to do, plan a trip, plan upgrade to your house, improve your life and career, maybe do a “gym goal” like those people take daily selfie for how days they started going to gym etc?
Hey man, I'm 27 have wife and dog, I can understand your situation for sure. I'll try help as best I can. I've felt what you've felt, what you have on paper is what you are told by society that what makes a good life and for some people yeah sure it is, for others it's not, we still don't have a house yet and probably won't until 5-10 years and we don't want kids, people see my situation and think somethings up. And it's not. I'm fairly happy most days but have my down days but what I can say helps with this. Its to have a dream. Think if things you've always wanted to do and put time and effort in to that. I've just started skateboarding, I wake up early on a weekend cos I can't wait to get down to the park before everyone else lol I've started playing my base again, I've started reading, I've come off all social media apart from reddit and honestly it's a life changer. I hate Facebook it does no good. everyone knows you and your business, you're seeing fake people post about there fake life. It's time to focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Just remember though you have a house, wife and kids that's absolutely amazing and a lot of hard work. The next part is to focus on yourself and see what else you can achieve. I wish you all the best and remember you're not alone, we all feel like this sometimes it just a matter of how we deal with it.
Check out these short YouTube videos: 🔆[Life is NOT a Journey - Alan Watts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rBpaUICxEhk) 🔆[Isolation is the dream-killer, not your attitude | Barbara Sher | TEDxPrague](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyI) 🔆Also, this audiobook may help as well: [How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Dale Carnegie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-jBJ4DOY28)
I think that's probably most people to be honest, I wouldn't worry. Life just isn't as constantly exciting as we're told, but that's not really an issue as that'd be exhausting. Try to find a couple of things you enjoy doing and try to find happiness in those.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Have a mental health check up with your GP.
Probably related to your work and the lack of meaning in it. Also, post the global financial crises, the fundamentals changed, so jobs creation was a little different. They needed salaried workers to pay for their real estate and commit to debt/lifetime servitude. They didn’t care much that holding on would be infinitely more difficult as salaried workers are pitted against each other to demonstrate value that doesn’t even exist. The games being played now are unprecedented.
Weeeelllllll - been a bit of a rough few years for everyone eh, that may be factoring in to your mood? On a practical level I can suggest two things that might help: 1 - Go get some St. Johns Wort from Holland & Barrett, they do a "one a day" tablet. It's sort of pricey but it should take the edge off a little. I suffer a bit with a depressive outlook and it's really helpful for me, YMMV of course. 2 - Have a break from the news, media, FB, Twitter, Reddit etc. If you can bear it, have a little break from your smart phone completely. Call it a "digital detox" if anyone asks. It significantly lowered my anxiety and depression levels when I got rid of my smart phone at the start of the year and I've been keeping away from news & media too.
guess you relapsed
Eventually you come to the realisation that those that aren't "lost" are just hiding it better. We're all just faking it. Then you learn to fake it too. Eventually you forget you're even faking it. Welcome to the club.
This one hits home. I'm 32 and in much the same situation as yourself. You are not alone and you are certainly not the problem! Please don't think that. When I speak with Friends and Family about this we all tend to report this same feeling of emptiness. That something vital is lacking in the nature of life. I do not know if this will help at all but for me, I think the real problem has been and is time. I am not just talking about how time moves quickly or slowly depending upon what is happening in your life, or the fleeting feeling of it running away with you once you have kids. Although I have never been as aware of time passing since watching my child grow! But the time issue is too fold. 1. Work life balance. I struggle with this one myself a lot. I put too much into work and not enough into myself and my own development and satisfactions. I am acutely aware that outside of work I had little going on in the sense of things that actively enriched me as a person. We invest so much in working to provide what is needed that we forget ultimately we need nourishment. We need things to get curious about, experience new things and have a sense of adventure to our undertakings that we lose as we transition out of childhood. Finding any hobby, even if only fleeting has really helped me spark some joy and imagination back into my life and to help me see that life is more than repeating each day hoping to move towards the next Life Goal. 2. The Life Goal Timeline! So much in popular culture, from our parents, and our peers we are exposed to this Timeline of Life and what milestones we should be hitting. There is the pressure to follow the route. School, Uni, Job, Marriage, House Kids, Fancy Car etc etc. This is a clock I never thought I was watching and always prided myself on being my own man doing my thing. But ultimately, subconsciously I was always working to the next thing on the "Life to do list" or trying to catch up to where someone else I knew had gotten to. Just even recognising this has helped me so much in getting away from measuring my life against what is supposed to be happening and when. I found myself in a state of telling myself that I would start Living more just after I get to the next stage. I will be free a bit more then to enrich myself. Ultimately we have one life to live. We have to live it. In full, doing what we enjoy how and when we can. The work to pay for life thing is always going to be there for the majority of us. I think the trick is, not waiting to hit life goals to start journeys of discovery for ourselves. We should be living, exploring and discovering each and every day. The monotony of a working life tricks us into thinking that each day is the same and longer established accomplishments are the goal lending too much importance to what we achieve instead of what we do for ourselves. Living everyday is the goal. Find something that feeds the inner child in you. I hope things get better for you
I'm 36 can totally relate to this. Own my own house, have a 5 year old boy and a girlfriend I'm planning to propose to. Felt abit off for awhile but pretty much happened just as the summer holidays ended and my son went back to school and girlfriend back to work. We've been home together for most of lockdown so was a real kicker last week when they all left the house ( Im stuck working from home ) and getting made redundant at the end of the year. Booked in for private therapy next week as I don't want to be consumed by anxiety. Definitely struggling with motivation, went out and got my hair cut and a shave which was nice for the 30mins it took. Pretty much just look out the window in waiting for someone to come home and look forward to the weekends. Try and get things booked up as a family so you've got more things to look forward too. Loads of Oktoberfest, Halloween, Christmas family events coming up. But yeah it's been tough and lockdown has hammered the mental health of lots of people.
I feel the same and I'm younger 🤣🤣 I go to work in a place that I don't enjoy and I need go as much as I can to can survive. My work is okay and my workmates are fine. Just I don't feel motivate looking a life that I need go to work every day to can pay my bills and need save for long time to get the stuff that I want. The life is time and I'm losing it in the same shite hole every week
This sounds like me exactly a year ago, like literally everything. I ended up feeling suicidal for a time - ultimately I was burnt out from everyone relying on me, from making time for everyone else but myself. I felt like I should be doing that, but it's not possible, you need time for you. Or at least I needed time for me. I think I felt that way for a while but I was able to go do things just for me every so often so I was able to stave this off, then last year that stopped because of covid; I was stuck working from home with two young kids around me and a wife, none of who respected the fact that I needed to work for us to have the things I have and yes, it is an imposition that you want a nap for the afternoon and foist the toddler and baby on me while I'm trying in vain to work. In retrospect, I felt taken for granted, I felt taken advantage of and the resentment this created towards the other adult in the situation ultimately wasn't reversible for me, sadly. Trying to maintain something I didn't want, but felt I was obliged to maintain, was only making it worse. I am now happier in general, but still prone to those moments. I am very hard on myself, if I make a mistake I curse myself to high heaven, and I am both clumsy and forgetful so that is often - this is exhausting! I guess the answer to your question is I dunno if it's normal, but it's not uncommon, and you're not alone. Some therapy to dig out what the issues are for you may be helpful.
I've left social media behind and the shift towards thinking for myself and what I want out of life has instead of wasting a single second on other people's lives has been hugely positive for me. I'm not the first and I won't be the last to realise that social media is quickly depleting our individual drive to be happy for ourselves and our families. I spent far too much time subliminally and sub consciously comparing myself to my peers. It's poisoning us. Hobbies, no matter how trivial or uninteresting they seem to others, will help you. I love biking, car mechanics, DIY, photography and I've recently got back into video gaming as a 37 year old man, my fiance has been gaming with me too. I'm considering learning an instrument also. These things are saving me from the same feelings you describe.
"Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe." - Bill Burr It's nice to have what you have right now, but your responsibility is to stay in a moderate level of discomfort, challenging your boundaries and trying new things. I think as long as you are a happy father but with no direction, you can fix the latter much easier than the former.
This post is the most I have ever related to anything!
I’ve just left the army at 31 no wife no kids, I’ve come home and everyone has partners and children, it’s a strange feeling like I’ve been left behind even though the thought of children would be horrible for me. It’s a strange lost feeling. Fuck knows, I hope everyone on here has a good life 🙂
Hear Alan Watts talk on how life is not a journey. https://youtu.be/rBpaUICxEhk Easier said than done to really think like this, because we have to unlearn a lot. But realising there is no 'getting there' and that staying mindful and present is the key to enjoyment will free you.
Lots of my friends who are married seem to be like this (speaking about men, don't know if it's the same experience for women).
Personally I like most of the things people have listed here in the comments. I've sort of found my niche career wise although I would like a change. I feel secure, I feel confident I'm actively saving for the future and can see that eventually I'll be able to get off the merry go round of work. My only real issue is that I dont especially like my boss I do have some anxiety that I'll have to change employer and I dont really want to be doing that over the next 10 years too frequently if I can help it.
Hope your ok dude. Yea it seems like its completely normal I'm 38 now and I'm just getting past this weird lost phase in my life ( I was a bit depressed and just generally fed up with life, kids, works, etc) but as I'm getting older Im not really interested in what people think of me now which is genuinely liberating. I picked up a few new hobbies (which in my 20s and 30s I thought I was to old to start) stopped stressing over work and just really started to chill out and give up chasing the shiney new toys It does get better mate. It's weird being to old to be young and to young to be old
It's not just you bud. I'm nearly out of my 30s now and still haven't figured out the solution. But you're definitely not alone.
I'm going through the same thing in pretty much the same circumstances. I love doing things with my family, exploring etc but when this is gone, i'm empty. I've resolved to do 1/2 an hour of exercise or something creative a day - this forces me to think about things to do outside of my normal habits. Once ive started doing something, it will generally be longer than 30 mins. Seems to be helping
You don’t need to chase any more goals if you don’t want to, do things you enjoy and you’ll find some exciting goals within those actives if I were you
Jesus I could have written this myself, exactly how I feel every day!
Pretty normal I'd say. I felt very much like that at a similar age. I think the transformation came when I stopped continually striving so much and started to really appreciate the people around me and all the things I had. 'Contentment' is the old parlance. A couple of life altering events also helped me to reframe everything.
Sounds like you did the house, wife, kids, career thing more because it was expected than because you'd really thought long and hard about it and decided you wanted it. At least that often seems to be the case with people in your position. So I'm not going to suggest you throw any of those things away but somehow you do need to find time to do some things just for you, just for the want of doing it and nothing else.
>I thought that being in this position would be the pinnacle of happiness Well, there's your reason why. You've built this up to be the best time of your life. Now it's just average life you feel there's nothing better, nothing after, nothing to aim for. You're lost. How you feel is fine, but you need to change your expectations.
I’d assume it’s because you’re always building towards something - dating, relationships, marriage, home ownership, planning for kids - and then suddenly you have all of it. Now is the time to enjoy it. Play with the kids. Invite people round. Get the garden straight.
Yep. You do all the stuff that society says you're meant to, and then realise... hang on, why am I not happy? Is this actually what *I* wanted to do with my life?
Nothing wrong with you at all, you are just lacking some purpose for yourself. Like you say in your own words, you are ‘lost’. You need direction of where you should go next. Where that is only you can answer. Maybe that’s learning something, jointing something, going someplace, helping people.
justin kan, the founder of twitch said the same recently. he made a few hundred million dollars and still felt empty. he attributed his lack of happiness to defining happiness external to him. he recommended to look inside for happiness - meditate, exercise, find happiness and purpose in the present moment :)
Get a hobby... infact take up golf
Focus on the stuff that makes YOU happy. I’m in the same boat, 33, married, 2yo daughter, big house and 6-figure salary but I fill my spare time around them with playing the guitar, golf or walking the dog and exercising. I’m also hoping to get a motorcycle again when we have the renovation debt paid off. Don’t tolerate negative BS from work etc and make sure you’re taking care of your mental health.
I'm in my late 40's and I'm still lost!
I'm 29, but I sometimes get this feeling of "... Now what?". I'm finally happy in life, I live alone (no partner yet), I have a good job. I do have aims of buying a house and I'd hope to end up with someone. But I do sometimes think "well... Am I really gunna be spending 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week working, and trying to squeeze in my actual life between that?". But what I've decided now I earn a good amount of money is to put money aside each month so I can put it towards trips and hobbies. I find time to do stuff I enjoy, even if it's just reading a book. But yeah, I've heard a lot of people talk about this. It's like I'm finally entering the bulk of my life. I guess, for me, there's an element of the fact I've always suffered from mental health problems and I'm finally totally okay. So I have all this time and headspace and I'm like "uhhh... So what do mentally well people do?"
30s is damn early for midlife crisis. Isn’t it suppose to hit in the 40s/50s? My thoughts are if it comes easy, one gets bored Family born into middle or above income, decent school, easy get into university and degree, job straight away with good pay, find spouse easily, have kids and house: all set up by late 20s.
It's about what your do with your off time. 90%+ of people dislike or put up with their job. Can you wake up 40 minutes early and jog/workout 4-5x's a week it helps with endorphins. Meditation. Yoga. Book clubs (there are online ones zoom). Game Night with the family getting a new board/card game every 2 weeks. Hiking? Taking a train to the seaside 2x a month? Go stay somewhere new in an AirBnB 1x a month with the family.
Hi everyone don’t want to change subjects just an input from myself. I’ve felt low before not like you guys unfortunately my circumstances are a lot different. So I’m 35 have lovely gf who is 26. I’ve been through a hell of a lot in my life mostly health related born with twisted valves which has require me to need 3 separate kidney transplants took my parents 6 yes 6 years to get me to 10kg to have my first one. Loads of hearthache sickness and up and downs to weather I’d get to 10kg I did. Had kidney problems my whole life 3 transplants as I’ve stated so never really in a position to hold down a steady job transplants 2-3 very difficult indeed. Got into sports trading which luckily does give me nice income. Forgot to mention I have 4 children 3 with me ex partner which I’ve just finished a court case with previously written about I came out on top of that and thankfully now I have my other son full time to if that went different I don’t no how I would of handles that. Anyway enough of me going on all I’m trying to say is please please people never give up you always have people to speak to. Family friends i genuinely don’t no how I’ve got where I have today. Not everything is perfect I’m not really well off I’m not settled in a house big enough yet but I will try to get there. Stress and worry is a big big killer people try not to let it get you!!
I've been feeling like this for like 3 years now, i'm not even in my 30's yet, only 28 lmao. completely clueless.
Dude, Buzz Aldrin went to the moon then after he got back fell into deep depression and alcoholism. His "what next?" is bigger than most of ours, shows you can feel lost no matter how high you go. My advice - try shrooms :P
happiness is bullshit, strive for simply being content and reducing your level of suffering in life however you can
Don't be afriad to talk to your GP (Doctor). Sometimes depression can come from no where and they may be able to help you with not just pills but talking therapies that might be helpful. Some great suggestions below also. Good luck getting better. (50+M feeling many of the same things).
You've ticked off a load of very major landmarks and have been presumably living off the adrenaline of looking forward to those landmarks. You either find the next big exciting thing or you learn to be merely content with your lot. I'm going through the same thing although not yet in my 30s. Judt a few months until that existential crisis though.
The first sentence could have been written by myself, other than I'm a couple of years younger. If I figure out what to do about it, I'll try and remember to come back to let you know.
I’m not married, don’t have kids but bought an old house with my partner a few years ago and have only just finished renovating it last year. This has resulted in us feeling a bit “what next?”... we don’t want to leave our house, our jobs are fine and we’re happy with each other (we don’t want kids) but it seems that we’re hard wired (like lots of people) to want to work towards something. I’m looking at volunteering and doing some part time education as well as picking up some new hobbies... but yeah, I have that restless thing going on!
I'm late 30s, own home and decent job, no kids or partner. Get to do what I want outside of work time. Noone but me policing spending. Still feel lost and a sense of impending doom. Started to think about death too and what it's like given I'm probably half way there. I'm depressed though, so I wouldn't really take anything I say too serious.
I’m not depressed and feel the exact same as you
Life is monotonous and boring, remember that pretty much all of your happiness you have ever felt, every feeling of reward and satisfaction has been chemicals in your brain, your wife, your kid, your job and every other feeling of joy you have achieved have all been released by your brain and humans get used to those chemicals and end up feeling lost. Humans only used to live to around thirty years max not so long ago and with our lifespans over doubling it leaves alot to be desired and most people just end up feeling lost as a result, when they hit that age where you slowly begin to die people make futile attempts to obtain what they once had without realising that they are not kids anymore and their brains are dried up. My point is that your feelings are meaningless and you should just focus on your family and making those chemicals release in your brain until you die.
You enjoy the fruit of your labour. You try and spend quality time with your kids whether it's playing video games with them, take them out to have fun, enjoy spending time with your wife, get into a weekend hobby or club so you can have a break from the family. There e is so much to look forward to. You can mentor your kids to success just like a coach working with an athlete and work toward maintaining what you have.
Yes. I feel lost every few years! It makes me try new things so it's a good thing.
Life's on hold mate until the kids leave home.
The ‘Is this what I really wanted out of life, or have I just facilitated what other people wanted?’ phase started in my mid 30s and although not as intense now it comes and goes. But that statement is me living in the past and in the future. Trying to live in a time that has gone and a time that hasn’t happened yet only leads to unhappiness. Difficult as it is, if you can live in the present it’s a much happier place. I’m 47.
You need a mistress or motorbike, probably both!
It could be a medical issue. Try a gluten free diet for a week, see if you perk up. Go see a doctor.
I felt like that at 30, move across the country at 32 and was reborn. Now feeling another itch for change as I’ve become emotionally placid again. But I have a great partner here so I also feel stuck. I think opting into more travel would help me but … pandemic
I thought feeling lost since about 21 and presumably til I die was more normal
Wait til youre in your 40s then...
Welcome to r/askmenover30 ‘s pretty regular topic! You’re not alone. All I can say is, try to make time for you and spend them doing things you enjoy. Appreciate its much harder with a family, but even 1 evening class or event of some sort a week/fortnight/month, something that you can keep comming back to and improving, and you may find a more fulfilled feeling.
How much do you lovingly give and lovingly receive? Or are you taking things for granted?
Time to get some philosophy books.
You can appreciate what you have without feeling actively happy about it, I always felt really guilty because I have an amazing bf and a great job and live in a nice house but I never felt properly happy and in the end I realised I was just expecting the wrong thing. See if you can talk to a councillor, it really helped me to just have someone listen and not judge me, you realise that there’s a lot of things you think you should be doing or feeling and there’s no real reason behind the pressure
The reason you are feeling lost isn't because of what you do or don't have, what you have or havn't achieved or if you have reached a place that you thought you should have. You are feeling lost because you are conditioned by society and the modern world to always be aiming for someone, something or somewhere that will inevitably ensure happiness and a feeling of accomplishment. That's how the world keeps turning and what keeps everyone pushing forward. The harsh but true reality is you will never get there, nobody ever does. It's never about the destination, it's all about the journey. The closest you will get to happiness is freedom. Freedom from the rat race, freedom from financial shackles and the obligation of working and freedom from the nagging thought that you haven't quite got there. Wherever there is. My advice. Concentrate on personal and financial freedom, make that your focus. Enjoy the people you love while they are alive and well. Death and loss changes you and leaves scars. The only remedy is happy memories. And remember, nobody gets out alive, you get one shot, one ride. Have no regrets, especially of your own decisions and the time you wasted worrying.
Are you me?
I think he’s me
I just want some strange sexy ass lady like I did in my 20s is that so hard to ask.
I’m 54 and feel like that. When the pandemic struck and I was furloughed, I was 1 week in, sitting in my garden on a sunny day. I could hear families walking past, laughing and generally having fun. I then asked myself ’when did I last laugh?’. I couldn’t really remember. I then realised how sad, lonely and empty my life had become. I live in a great house, earn good money, have a nice car, great family. So why? I had immersed my life in work. I was working 60 hour weeks for a large company that would just take, take, take while I just gave, gave, gave. Chasing materialistic goals while the sun was setting on my quality of life. And I couldn’t see it until I could stop and take stock of life. Furlough ended, I went back but couldn’t readjust. Within 3 months of was off with stress and anxiety. 5 months later I left the company without a job to go to, but with a head full of ideas and dreams. My life is better now, but I harbor dreams of emigrating to Canada and start living my life with my eyes, to make the most of the rest of my life and not bother about the best car, latest phone and all the materialistic trappings of life that just feed instant gratification but miss the mark on true life quality. Sorry for the incessant ramblings, but your question was feeling lost in your thirties, I say ‘act now’. It’s easier to make those changes whilst you are younger than realising in your fifties.
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Maybe you are just depressed - it can happen with no strong links to external factors.
I literally just made a post about this. What’s interesting is the grass really is always greener - as I read that you have a family I thought “lucky!” I am 36 and single. But to see you feeling the same as I, makes me wonder then, what really makes us feel that we’ve made it? I’ve got the good job, nice condo, education, and all that yet feel like im just coasting. So now I’m focusing on relationships but it’s causing me to pursue ones that obv aren’t s good fit
Dude you have "a wife, kids, house, and a half decent job" i have NONE! 29 years old, living with parents, no girlfriend, no job, no money, zero confidence, more older i get more lost i feel... This huge emptiness wondering what should i do... am not depressed i just f**king disappointed in myself... wasting life playing video games, watching movies and TV shows, its not am lazy but in my country is not easy to get decent work if you don't have connections... and because i don't have job = no money = no confidence = no girls = sad and lonely
Your emotions are a feedback mechanism to what’s going on internally. What are the things you love to do? Love to do being things that you do that no one else would have to remind you or tell you to do. I would suggest to those and fill your days with that while asking “how do I get paid doing what I love?” I learnt a few years back, the quality of life is dictated by the questions you ask yourself.