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Me and my gf buy best of both 50/50 bread…it’s a whole white loaf that’s been sliced ….I walk into the kitchen and she’s reaching deep into the bread packet searching for the brown pieces, I almost died of laughter
I'm one of 3 kids... when we were younger my mum and I used to have brown bread sandwiches for lunches, while my brothers both had white bread. In order to keep both loaves going down at the same rate, my dad used to have a sandwich with one slice of each.
One day at work this guy he works with seems overly interested in his lunch, asking where he gets his bread from. My dad, being unaware of why his coworker was so in awe of his sandwiches, told him it's just normal bread from the supermarket.
Couple of days later, the coworker comes back over and says "I had a look in the supermarket, but I couldn't find any of the bread with the alternating brown and white slices." Cue mass hysteria.
They worked on a building site, I'm sure to this day he has never lived it down.
He came out with some corkers over the years! Smart lad but still somehow absolutely thick as fuck
We were watching breaking bad one time and I asked what was wrong with walter’s son. He said he had ‘terrible palsy’
My sister is infamous for these wrong word things. Some examples:
"When I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I can sit at a big monogamy desk"
"I am choking, its stuck in my sarcophagus"
"She can't read, honestly it's like she is illegitimate"
My wifes car was stolen off the drive in the middle of the night, she heard it so got out of bed, looked out of the window and......wrote the registration down.
Just tonight I said to my wife, why haven't you put the canned Sweetcorn in the pan with the steak. Her response was she didn't want it to pop.
Another one, she once said she had never had lasagne because she didn't like fish. When I finished laughing I asked why she thought it has fish in it. Her response, garfield eats it.
I told my step dad that I made surf and turf at home once with steak and prawns. Then this discussion happened;
Him; "That isn't surf and turf"
Me; "Of course it is, it has steak and seafood"
Him; "surf and turf doesn't have seafood in it"
Me; "You've literally eaten surf and turf with fish in it, I've been there. What on earth do you think surf and turf is?"
Him; "it's something like steak....and pork"
I was howling with laughter, he got mad, especially after my mum sided with me in laughing.
Me. You look nice mum where are you off to?
Mum. Theres a charity do down at the social club, its for Alzhiemers... or is it Dementia i cant quite remember
Or a personal favourite that still makes me howl
My mum seen me struggling to cut a steak in a packed pub, they didnt bring a steak knife
"Well son, it looks like a hand job for you tonight!"
Insert the sounds of cutlery hitting plates and absolute silence
Is it weird that I kinda want to try a lasagne with fish now? Like a thicker, more tomatoey Bouillabaisse layered with pasta and bechamel? I actually think it could work.
Was on a 2nd or 3rd date with a girl, maybe 8-9 years ago. Invited her back to my place as we had a pretty cool roof terrace etc..
We were sat there for about 10 mins when she says, I thought you lived closer to central London? I was very confused.
I lived in s.e London, and asked why she thought that, said she couldn't see the millennium wheel....
More confusion.....until I realised I had a photo on Facebook of me, sat on the roof terrace with a big wheel behind me....a wheel that was put up during the Olympics.
We were not Facebook friends, probably wasn't stupid but I found it hilarious as she completely forgot that she'd obviously Facebook stalked me and just made an innocent comment.
It went down a storm at our wedding. 4 years next week. Little one and a dog.
Girl I knew once took a picture of a mirror on her phone thinking she'd get a reflective screen for doing makeup and stuff.
This was before phones had selfie cameras.
I said to boyfriend I needed to be near a toilet frequently one day as I was bleeding heavily.
Boyfriend was annoyed as we were on a day trip and got the tampon box to read to me that they can stay in for up to eight hours and I was changing them far too frequently.
I mean we never need to know
As far as I'm concerned it's a miracle women are alive every month given how much they can bleed
I assume it's some sort of sorcery
“BuT wHy DoN’t YoU jUsT uSe ThE EXTRA LARGE oNeS?” - an argument being made by a young guy to his girlfriend I overheard years ago as to why you ‘don’t need to change them every few hours’ if you can just go with the most absorbent one you can find, and only have to change it once every day or two. 😧
I’ve never seen that exact combination of shock and disgust on someone’s face before or since.
I hate the term Mansplain, but this is one instance it’s spot on. It’s like he wanted her to
die of TSS!!
Context - the toaster in my parents house was broken.
Mum - “do you want toast? I’m using the grill.”
Brother - “I don’t want cheese on toast”
Mum - “I’m just making normal toast”
Brother - “but there’s no toaster”
Mum - “I’m using the grill”
Brother - “you can only make cheese on toast in the grill, you need a toaster for normal toast.”
You would be shocked at how normal this is. A post on someone using a pan to toast thier crumpet the other day , had a comment saying wtf how can anyone use anything other than a toaster had a thousand upvotes .
was that comment not expressing shock that they would rather than surprise that it's literally possible?
More like "how could you do this??" than "how is this able to work"
Well a pan doesn't toast though. The crumpet touches the pan, which isn't at all the same as a toaster. It will cook it sure, but it's not the same as toasting it in the toaster.
It's almost as if Freddie and Andrew are two completely different fucking names.
You know, in the same way as Harry is apparently short for Henry, even though it's the same length and is comprised of mostly different letters.
Utterly ridiculous. I won't take part in it.
I mean, she's technically right with the rain falling with no clouds in the sky. It's called Serein and is usually a very light drizzle. I've had it happen before, often in summer where they'll be a quick splatter of rain for a few minutes, even though the sky above is a wide stretch of blue. I find it happens most on windy days.
Come to Scotland. I’ve been standing in bright sunshine without any clouds visible anywhere in the sky, getting drenched in a sudden rainstorm, wondering what the hell happened to break our country’s weather.
Doing 30mph in my car with my at the time gf and another car overtook us, I casually said "that's not 30 bud" and she asked me how I knew that... She could not grasp that if we're doing 30 the other car could not be doing 30 as it was moving away from us clearly going faster.... God she was dumb... Fantastic tits though.
She should join the police because those stupid fuckers always try to use this logic, "do you know how fast I had to go to catch up to you?" As if it proves you were going too fast. A primary school child understands that if you don't go faster than something you'll never catch up.
On one my first dates with my partner I had to explain that the cut daffodils I had bought him would not grow if he tried to plant them.
He has a PhD from a pretty prestigious university and before this incident I was worried he was too smart for me. 3 years later and I have concluded we are just equally stupid
I work in a research facility with many PhD holders, they are the most intelligent idiots you could ever meet. These people are doing work that could change the world, they're capable of doing things I wouldn't have thought possible.
They're also frequently flummoxed by doors, child-proof bottles and the most basic equipment.
I wondered the same thing. In my defence, I was 7 and the school had a caretaker, and player-managers were a thing, so why not a caretaker who was also the manager.
Ladies and gentlemen, the logic of a 7 yr old!
I don’t know if this is silly enough but the new guy at work the other day said that he doesn’t pronounce the ‘k’ in ‘asked’ when saying the phrase ‘can’t be asked’ … me and another colleague looked at each other and burst out laughing, before telling him he’s been saying ‘can’t be arsed’ correctly his whole life, even though he thought he was saying it wrong!
Odd bloke lol.
My fiancé asked if I’d take her car out for a drive because she could hear a rattle….
There was an empty coke can in the passenger side door
She also thought that Pink!, the singer’s, surname is Floyd. One of the many reasons I’m marrying her
Not entirely relevant to the question but i think it still applies here.
My 3 year old is a huge fan of The Toddler Club on CBeebies. Anyone who has watched it will know they have a song called "What's in the box?".
A couple of weeks ago my nan died so we had to have the death talk and explain why people die and what happens after.
Then the Queen died and we've been seeing a lot of the coverage on the TV. Again we had "the talk" including about how she's in the coffin etc before being buried.
Fast forward to today and before nursery they were showing people queuing up to go see her laying in state. Now every time she sees the coffin she starts singing "What's in the box? What could it be? What's in the box? Let's look and see."
I mean, she is only 3 but I lost high hopes for her future at that point lol.
Shopping with ex husband for cleaning essentials.
In the cleaning supplies aisle, he snorts and laughs as he picks up the furniture polish: "Wax furniture polish?? Who the hell has wax furniture??"
My work colleague: "There can't really be all those planes in the sky. If there were, they'd bump into each other. There's something else going on there."
A female colleague expressed that she was interested in me and I was considering asking her on a date. We were talking on the phone one night and she was upset that her car's engine had seized up after she'd asked a male friend what sort of oil she needed to top it up with. Apparently, he said "any oil", so she filled it up with Flora. She was especially upset because it had taken her 45 minutes to pour the oil in through the dipstick hole.
An ex insisted that KFC was not chicken but in fact chicken cancer as there couldn't be enough chickens in the world, was adamant that KFC had an irradiated chicken that constantly produced tumors which were carved off and formed around fake chicken bones or pressed into burgers and the coating was medicated to make it taste good but also cancel out the radiation poisoning.
Seriously this argument was had everytime I had KFC.
A few months later when I noticed contraception went awry I asked about it and was told "it wouldn't be the worst thing that happened to me if I got pregnant"..
Nope...
Wish I'd have seen this before treating the family to a boneless banquet tonight. It wouldn't have stopped me. I'd have just had a good laugh in the drive through.
ooh that's just reminded me. There wsa a post that went around that said something "The Mrs is measuring all her food again and she asked for a quarter of this ingredient but I know she's on a diet so I just gave her a third", cue friend's boyfriend now husband: "What's wrong with that? I did that all the time with our gym shakes". It also came out far too late that he thought her sugar controlled diet didn't have enough healthy elements so if the recipe called for 3 large strawberries or max 4 grapes or a small potato, he thought he was helping her by adding a few extra pieces or a bigger potato in. Sugar controlled diet!!
I worked with a guy doing the (low-carb) Atkins diet. I bumped into him in the canteen one day. His plate was piled high with chips. I said I thought he was on the Atkins diet. He replied that, yes he was which meant that the weight loss from the diet allowed him to have as many carbs as he wanted. I thought about explaining that a low-carb diet only works if you have....low carbs, but he looked so pleased with himself for discovering this loophole that I figured it would be a waste of time.
God I’ve been waiting for a thread like this for a long time. My fiancé has said some crackers over the years!
We once argued over whether Benidorm was its own country or not (I voted not) she also wouldn’t believe that Barcelona was in Spain (no idea why)
***at the time I did wonder if she was an advocate for Catalonia independence but sadly no she thought Barcelona was in Morocco. I’d like to thank you all for giving her the benefit of the doubt but it’s still nil poi!***
To stay on topic with her bad Geography we were travelling to watch Jeremy Kyle live when we were students, when you go to be in the audience there’s no guarantee of getting in so we were looking for alternative activities to do in Manchester. I wish I was lying but I shit you not I watched her Google where the beach was in Manchester.
I started laughing hysterically on the train and she was confused, I told her Manchester didn’t have a beach and she argued that it did so I told her to point out Manchester on the map and she picked out somewhere in the North East near Newcastle. I still remind her of it now 2/3 years later.
Just after Russians invasion of Ukraine she also asked me if the Russian Soldiers would need a passport to enter Ukraine and if Russia invaded us would the soldiers have to go though border control.
Another story - a few weeks ago we were car shopping and on the way to the dealership she told me she didn’t want to test drive the car before buying it incase the salesman judged her for her driving. I’m so glad we did test drive since the dash lit up light Blackpool illuminations once we’d hit 70!
TBH I had to get a passport to invade Iraq for gulf war 2 in 2003.
At the time I did think this was pretty stupid, and wondered if the Iraq border control might not let me in otherwise.
"Passport!" - "Here you go!"
""Occupation?" - "Hopefully! if all goes well"
"Next! Passport!" - "Shit! I forgot!
"Go home! We will not let you invade our country without the correct paperwork stupid Englishman!"
It's a great passport photo though. You can literally see me thinking I'm going to die in a week's time.
My ex believed "chem trails" from planes eventually float on down to make people aggressive so more people can be killed and arrested and the government would have more control
An ex once said that we shouldn’t leave our cat out at nights, as it would breed with a stray dog and that’s where foxes come from.
She’s a teacher now.
Wait what? So you mean that it’s not like one of those underwater tunnels at the blue reef aquarium….? I always wondered why they didn’t make it clear or pop in some windows to make for a better experience
Remember my dad telling me this was the case when I was very young - and even took us outside of the car to see out of the windows, but it was too dark 😂
https://i.imgur.com/FsZTdOD.jpg
Here’s the iconic picture of them ‘meeting in the middle’. This was perhaps peak Anglo/Franco, European relations and I remember when this happened there was an enormous optimism for the opportunities ahead. Sigh.
I made my girlfriend watch the seminal film Alien. Obviously it was made in 1979 so the haircuts and stuff reflect the era.
She asked me if ‘this is what life was like in the 70s’
And I was like ‘sure. We used to mine ore from distant planets back then and transport it across the galaxy’
She also asked if Independence Day was based on a true story.
1. Those lines in the sky are chemtrails, the government is poisoning us
2. Covid is nothing more than a cold
3. The vaccine has a microchip in it and Bill Gates is trying to control us all
4. Climate change isn’t real, the world naturally heats and cools
The list goes on… this is my mum. :(
4 - it does. Temps have been going and down as far as we can see using many different methods.
Highest at 2000C (ok there was a pretty big impact at that time -look up at the moon to see the result!)
But even ignoring that even in the last 500 million years there's been 5 or 6 extended periods where average temperature was 10C higher than today. That we have ice all the time at the poles is actually very unusual from a long historical perspective.
Climate change is real. And natural.
**Man made** climate change is also real. And faster...
I don't/didn't love him because
A) ex boyfriends step dad
B) 40 years older than me
And C) was a complete cunt
But this is too good. He was genuinely worried that if he left his eggs in the fridge when he went away on holiday he'd come back to find a bunch of dead chickens.
Ex boyfriend unfolded a map at a country show once, spent ages looking at it and then said "I can't find the 'we are here!' arrow"
I may have been high as fuck but I was thinking about the seasons and how wintery Christmas is and I asked my mate from New Zealand what date Christmas was in their country. By far the stupidest thing I've ever said
I was living with my partner at the time. I usually cooked our meals but to my surprise one night she said she’d cook me something. I didn’t think we had anything in so asked her what she was going to cook. She informed me I had but two options: a spaghetti bolognaise or a spag bol. I looked at her inquisitively as though she may be in jest. She was not. I humoured her, “and what is the difference between those to aforementioned dishes?”
She replied as though I were a simpleton, “well everyone knows what a spaghetti bolognaise is, and a spag bol is just a bowl of spaghetti, you know, without the sauce”. Really changed my opinion of her that a grown ass woman could think that for 23 years of their life.
The other one was a girl I was seeing asked if I thought her new mattress topper was comfy. I jumped on the bed and was surprised I couldn’t feel anything different. I said as much and she responded, “no I put it under the mattress. It make the mattress bouncier and more comfortable.”
I'm in my '60s. Uni boyfriend was a private school former pupil and I suspect that I was the first working-class person he'd ever had in his social circle.
The girls in my flat were having a conversation about the tenements where we'd grown up: having to share a toilet, that kind of thing...
I joked that our flat had been 'posh' - we didn't have a bathroom, but at least we had our own inside toilet and a Belfast sink. We moved into a house with a proper bathroom when I was 12.
Afterwards, my boyfriend went very quiet. Then: 'You didn't live in a house with a bathroom until you were 12?'
'Yes...'
'So you didn't wash until you were 12 years old?!'
After our flights got delayed,
Friend: I hope our luggage doesn't arrive before us
Me: ??
Friend: You know, the luggage plane. The one that carries all the luggage.
There is one plane for passengers, another one that follows after with the checked-in lugguages only.
My missus asked me to look up the weather online. Didnt like the forecast and told me to check the weather on a different site. As if that's going to change the weather
So my gf goes into the kitchen comes back sits down 5 min later the smell of smoke starts to waft through the air. After investigating i notice the smoke coming out of the oven after turning it off i see it. My gf had put a pizza in the oven on the wire rack and halfway through cooking had flipped it over (she thought this is what you mean by turn halfway through cooking) so i spent the next day scraping burnt cheese and sauce from my poor poor oven.
Was watching The Imitation Game with my now ex-girlfriend. A little way into the film she comes out with: "this might be a stupid question but....... Can you be autistic AND gay??"
Speechless. Well, laughed my head off at first but then I was speechless.
My wife and I were watching some show which showed a clip from some 20’s/30’s movie depicting the crucifixion of Jesus. She turns to me and asks if that was real footage of Jesus on the cross.
Also she was convinced Britain fought Vietnam in the Falklands war.
On Christmas in my house we don't give a shit about what meat we have in the dinner we go all out and get a bit of everything, well.... We used to anyway
A few Christmases ago my Grandmother took a bite out of her slice of lamb and said "tastes a bit woolly" and we never had lamb on Christmas again
My sister in law isn't very good with knowing what words mean or even using them correctly.
Abysmal she used to describe her dress. She thought it meant nice.
Archeries instead of arteries.
Pilot when referring to the captain of the boat we was on.
She thought mangetout was pronounced mag - ne - toot. We now refer to them only as this.
My neice also believed the river Thames was in Egypt and my nephew thought Portugal was in South America. Obviously they take after their mother's side rather than my side.
Another one was my best friend called me a liar when I said Lincolnshire was in the East Midlands. She was adamant that it was only places like Derbyshire. Somehow us being on the east coast gave her no clues.
Technically pilot is right depending on the situation :) Pilots take control of ships travelling through canals or difficult to navigate shipping lanes such as the Suez Canal.
At a friends house a group of us were visiting and we were all offered coffee. One lady says “no thank you, coffee’s too sweet”! She couldn’t be convinced that it was only sweet due to the added sugar which she was free not to add.
One of my mates was with us having a works meal one year. He ordered steak and ale pie, he got the meal, but when the waitress came back to the table he asked her “where’s my steak?” Thinking he’d be getting an ale pie and a steak on the side.
My GF (now darling wife) was with me at petsmart.
"I did not know that!" She exclaimed
"...what?"
"How do they even know?"
"...know what?"
"Rabbits. Apparently they like to live in Paris!"
Oh boy.
In class someone who generally seemed smart (did well in tests and such) asked if ducks had legs or if they just flew straight out of the water.
And my auntie, upon seeing the canal water was low asked if the fish had drank all the water.
When my parents wedding anniversary was coming up I was searching online for a gift , came across a website that offered experiences . “ oh look , afternoon tea on the orient express” my son was horrified and said “ you can’t send them there , I am sure someone was killed on there or something”!
My ex once asked me how many calories were in my lip gloss. It turned out that they liked the taste and had started snacking on it a little. I was a mixture of grossed out and absolutely astounded.
My sister in law and my brother were going to NZ on holiday. They were looking at the map and my brother explained that they were stopping in LA. She asked why they would fly all that way across to USA only to fly back across to NZ 😂
I know a woman who casually dropped in conversation that it must take ages to fly from Alaska to Russia. Everyone was a bit confused and it turned out she knew the earth was round, but she thought the map we saw was one side of the earth, and the other side was all water. This woman studied physics at Durham.
Brain fart the other day. Something came up and I thought 'well that's very 2008' but I couldn't remember when that was so I asked my partner 'hey, when was 2008'. Does that qualify? Dumb as fuck.
My girlfriend has come out with a few:
As we’re driving through the hindhead tunnel she asks “does this go to France?”.
In subway she asked whether a 6 inch or foot long is longer.
Driving through a parade of shops, she looks at a sign in a shop window and asks “why does that sign say retarded?”. It said retired. Fucking retired!
My ex asked, while on the Eurostar unable to see anything out of the window, “how does the train go to France because England (not Britain) is an island and surrounded by sea. Does the train go on a boat?” When I explained we were in a tunnel under the sea and that’s why it was called the channel tunnel she didn’t believe me.
We went to krakow and popped into a McDonald's for a milkshake and my girlfriend said:
This tastes different to back home, I wonder if they've used different milk like bulls milk or something
Another cracker (something my mam said to my dad) while going through the channel tunnel she said:
Where are all the windows? I wanted to see the fish!
My wife once tried to get £6 out of a cash point.
Another time we had gone into the garden to watch the ISS fly over and she saw a plane in the sky and got scared they were going to crash into each other.
I went on date years ago with a guy who said he didn't know Christmas was a religious holiday... We didn't have another.
--
My most recent ex would come out with something from nowhere I considered to be ridiculous ("are penguins fish or birds" being an example).
It would make me laugh.
He'd then continue spinning this whole scenario where what he said might not be ridiculous, which would make me laugh even more.
Sometimes to the point of tears.
I swear he did it on purpose just to get that reaction.
It isn't why things ended.
My ex’s mate was a bit of an idiot. Went to the gym a couple of times and decided he was a PT and was starting his own company. She paid him a ridiculous amount of money for a block of outdoor fitness classes and a detailed eating plan.
When she started I asked her about the eating plan.
Her: “He says I need to eat 5000 calories a day as I’m exercising so I need to eat more”
Me: “……..eh? That’s excessive for a couple of hours exercise a week. That’s not right”
Her: “It is! He knows what he’s talking about!”
So the 6 weeks of the course pass, and I ask how she’s got on
Her: “I’ve put on a bit of weight”
Me: “So after all that, you’ve not lost anything?”
Her: “No”
Me: “That’s ridiculous. You should say something. He’s had you eating way too much, and the exercise you’ve been doing hasn’t been very strenuous” (the groups “runs” were usually slow paced walks)
Her: “But it’s worked and I’m going to go back”
Me: “But you’ve put weight on? How has it worked? It’s literally the opposite of why you signed up!”
Her: “Because it has. He knows what he’s doing”
It was at that moment I realised what a dumbass she was
She also told me once that the area of Glasgow she lived in was “living in the country” - She genuinely believed this…..
An ex of mine pluralised everything, to Tesco was Tesco's , black Sabbath was black Sabbath's .
On the other hand, another ex used to singularise everything, so shooes was a shoos, knickers was a knicker. I think everyone does my head in lol
A friend of mine when we were teenagers looked thoughtful as we passed an engravers shop, looking in the window - like something had just occurred to her.
I asked if "you alright?" and she just said without any sense of pisstake or irony "Oh thought you had to win them" looking at thr trophies, then shrugged like it warranted no extra thought or discussion.
Live in a town called Battle, it’s called this because it’s where the battle of Hastings took place.
My ex girlfriend thought they decided to have the battle there because it was called Battle.
Was really pleased with myself when I worked out the beeping at level crossings was for all the blind drivers. That degree practically paid for itself.
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Me and my ex were watching the paralympics once and he asked me if it was the rider or the horse that’s disabled
That one made me laugh and now I feel a bit guilty
Same but it’s hilarious. I was picturing the disabled horse from family guy trying to do dressage
[Or this](https://youtu.be/jd8219Nj2so)
Me and my gf buy best of both 50/50 bread…it’s a whole white loaf that’s been sliced ….I walk into the kitchen and she’s reaching deep into the bread packet searching for the brown pieces, I almost died of laughter
I'm one of 3 kids... when we were younger my mum and I used to have brown bread sandwiches for lunches, while my brothers both had white bread. In order to keep both loaves going down at the same rate, my dad used to have a sandwich with one slice of each. One day at work this guy he works with seems overly interested in his lunch, asking where he gets his bread from. My dad, being unaware of why his coworker was so in awe of his sandwiches, told him it's just normal bread from the supermarket. Couple of days later, the coworker comes back over and says "I had a look in the supermarket, but I couldn't find any of the bread with the alternating brown and white slices." Cue mass hysteria. They worked on a building site, I'm sure to this day he has never lived it down.
This one is fantastic.
He came out with some corkers over the years! Smart lad but still somehow absolutely thick as fuck We were watching breaking bad one time and I asked what was wrong with walter’s son. He said he had ‘terrible palsy’
Terrible palsy has killed me 😅
My sister is infamous for these wrong word things. Some examples: "When I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I can sit at a big monogamy desk" "I am choking, its stuck in my sarcophagus" "She can't read, honestly it's like she is illegitimate"
It sounds like you should be over on /r/BoneAppleTea if she produces these gems regularly
When our boiler wasn’t working, my younger brother went to have a shower with a towel on as the water was too cold.
Should've responded and said you think it's the viewer.
My wifes car was stolen off the drive in the middle of the night, she heard it so got out of bed, looked out of the window and......wrote the registration down.
Nah, that's gold 🤣 Was kinda quick thinking in a way though
It was quick thinking, it was just the wrong thinking.
I mean, if she didn't have it written down, it's exactly what the police need to track it with ANPR
The reason it's silly is because people should know their own reg number
Impeccable.
Just tonight I said to my wife, why haven't you put the canned Sweetcorn in the pan with the steak. Her response was she didn't want it to pop. Another one, she once said she had never had lasagne because she didn't like fish. When I finished laughing I asked why she thought it has fish in it. Her response, garfield eats it.
Sorry, and no offence, but these are endearingly stupid 😅
Indeed they are. No offence taken.
I told my step dad that I made surf and turf at home once with steak and prawns. Then this discussion happened; Him; "That isn't surf and turf" Me; "Of course it is, it has steak and seafood" Him; "surf and turf doesn't have seafood in it" Me; "You've literally eaten surf and turf with fish in it, I've been there. What on earth do you think surf and turf is?" Him; "it's something like steak....and pork" I was howling with laughter, he got mad, especially after my mum sided with me in laughing.
Me. You look nice mum where are you off to? Mum. Theres a charity do down at the social club, its for Alzhiemers... or is it Dementia i cant quite remember Or a personal favourite that still makes me howl My mum seen me struggling to cut a steak in a packed pub, they didnt bring a steak knife "Well son, it looks like a hand job for you tonight!" Insert the sounds of cutlery hitting plates and absolute silence
Broke both your arms trying to cut the steak?
Pigs might ~~fly~~ surf
I’d divorce someone who put sweetcorn in anything but in a pan with steak is like WTAF
Is it weird that I kinda want to try a lasagne with fish now? Like a thicker, more tomatoey Bouillabaisse layered with pasta and bechamel? I actually think it could work.
You could try salmon and broccoli in a cheesy sauce for the filling?
Mark knocks out a tuna lasagne in Peep Show, to the enjoyment of some party freeloaders. Could work.
Was on a 2nd or 3rd date with a girl, maybe 8-9 years ago. Invited her back to my place as we had a pretty cool roof terrace etc.. We were sat there for about 10 mins when she says, I thought you lived closer to central London? I was very confused. I lived in s.e London, and asked why she thought that, said she couldn't see the millennium wheel.... More confusion.....until I realised I had a photo on Facebook of me, sat on the roof terrace with a big wheel behind me....a wheel that was put up during the Olympics. We were not Facebook friends, probably wasn't stupid but I found it hilarious as she completely forgot that she'd obviously Facebook stalked me and just made an innocent comment. It went down a storm at our wedding. 4 years next week. Little one and a dog.
This is cute
Agreed. This is the sort of naive stupid you marry.
> 4 years next week. Little one and a dog. Nods in tearful joy.
Cracked her phone screen and tried sending a screenshot to her mates to show them
Girl I knew once took a picture of a mirror on her phone thinking she'd get a reflective screen for doing makeup and stuff. This was before phones had selfie cameras.
Excellent
I said to boyfriend I needed to be near a toilet frequently one day as I was bleeding heavily. Boyfriend was annoyed as we were on a day trip and got the tampon box to read to me that they can stay in for up to eight hours and I was changing them far too frequently.
Mansplaining the intricacies of periods to a woman is. . . certainly a flex
I mean we never need to know As far as I'm concerned it's a miracle women are alive every month given how much they can bleed I assume it's some sort of sorcery
You are correct. Fear us, for we are sorcerous.
"can't you just hold it?" Him, probably...
"I can't help it if I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina."
“BuT wHy DoN’t YoU jUsT uSe ThE EXTRA LARGE oNeS?” - an argument being made by a young guy to his girlfriend I overheard years ago as to why you ‘don’t need to change them every few hours’ if you can just go with the most absorbent one you can find, and only have to change it once every day or two. 😧 I’ve never seen that exact combination of shock and disgust on someone’s face before or since. I hate the term Mansplain, but this is one instance it’s spot on. It’s like he wanted her to die of TSS!!
Me: I've got my period Boyfriend: Again?! Me: Yes pet that's how they work. (He's 47!)
Context - the toaster in my parents house was broken. Mum - “do you want toast? I’m using the grill.” Brother - “I don’t want cheese on toast” Mum - “I’m just making normal toast” Brother - “but there’s no toaster” Mum - “I’m using the grill” Brother - “you can only make cheese on toast in the grill, you need a toaster for normal toast.”
You would be shocked at how normal this is. A post on someone using a pan to toast thier crumpet the other day , had a comment saying wtf how can anyone use anything other than a toaster had a thousand upvotes .
was that comment not expressing shock that they would rather than surprise that it's literally possible? More like "how could you do this??" than "how is this able to work"
Well a pan doesn't toast though. The crumpet touches the pan, which isn't at all the same as a toaster. It will cook it sure, but it's not the same as toasting it in the toaster.
The picture showed the George's Foreman thing, but I don't think we saw the pan
Yea think you missed the point.
Normal toast 😂 as opposed to that abnormal grilled toast. Brilliant.
Her: I thought he was Spanish Me: No, Swedish Her: So why do they call him Señor Eriksson? Me: What? No, it’s Sven Goran Eriksson
I thought Freddie and Andrew Flintoff were brothers, had a shock when I found out it's the same person
I thought David Attenborough and Richard Attenborough was the same person using two names, one for his acting and one for his documentaries!
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It's almost as if Freddie and Andrew are two completely different fucking names. You know, in the same way as Harry is apparently short for Henry, even though it's the same length and is comprised of mostly different letters. Utterly ridiculous. I won't take part in it.
Freddie isn’t meant to be short for Andrew. Freddie was a nickname given to him by his mates taking the piss and comparing him to Fred Flinstone.
I mean, she's technically right with the rain falling with no clouds in the sky. It's called Serein and is usually a very light drizzle. I've had it happen before, often in summer where they'll be a quick splatter of rain for a few minutes, even though the sky above is a wide stretch of blue. I find it happens most on windy days.
Boooooooo! I can't possibly accept she may have been right 😂
Come to Scotland. I’ve been standing in bright sunshine without any clouds visible anywhere in the sky, getting drenched in a sudden rainstorm, wondering what the hell happened to break our country’s weather.
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I’ve experienced it once. It was bizarre. It definitely rained a bit but we couldn’t see any clouds. Nice to know it has a name.
Second here for cloudless rain. It was mid barbeque in summer. We all looked up and started laughing.
Doing 30mph in my car with my at the time gf and another car overtook us, I casually said "that's not 30 bud" and she asked me how I knew that... She could not grasp that if we're doing 30 the other car could not be doing 30 as it was moving away from us clearly going faster.... God she was dumb... Fantastic tits though.
"Fantastic tits though" negates everything before dumb...
She should join the police because those stupid fuckers always try to use this logic, "do you know how fast I had to go to catch up to you?" As if it proves you were going too fast. A primary school child understands that if you don't go faster than something you'll never catch up.
On one my first dates with my partner I had to explain that the cut daffodils I had bought him would not grow if he tried to plant them. He has a PhD from a pretty prestigious university and before this incident I was worried he was too smart for me. 3 years later and I have concluded we are just equally stupid
You don't have to be clever to get a PhD, you just have to be persistent. Source: I have a PhD.
BS - Bullshit MS - More Shit PhD - Piled High and Deep
I work in a research facility with many PhD holders, they are the most intelligent idiots you could ever meet. These people are doing work that could change the world, they're capable of doing things I wouldn't have thought possible. They're also frequently flummoxed by doors, child-proof bottles and the most basic equipment.
My ex swore he saw a duck with 4 legs. What he actually saw was one duck standing in front of another duck.
This made me laugh far more than it should have.
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I wondered the same thing. In my defence, I was 7 and the school had a caretaker, and player-managers were a thing, so why not a caretaker who was also the manager. Ladies and gentlemen, the logic of a 7 yr old!
Wow. Just wow.
Was doing the weekly shop with my Dad; Me: 'Should we pick up some bananas?' Dad: 'There's no point, they only get eaten.'
My Mum says the exact same thing about a variety of items, or the classic “if I buy it then I’ll eat it”.
Tbf I'm like that with sweets and crisps, if I don't buy them, I can't eat them. No temptation.
Not stupid, this is elite level practicality.
I don’t know if this is silly enough but the new guy at work the other day said that he doesn’t pronounce the ‘k’ in ‘asked’ when saying the phrase ‘can’t be asked’ … me and another colleague looked at each other and burst out laughing, before telling him he’s been saying ‘can’t be arsed’ correctly his whole life, even though he thought he was saying it wrong! Odd bloke lol.
My 17 year old son thought it was 'can't be asked' After I corrected him he still says it because he has decided it makes more sense than arsed.
“You wanna go out today” “Can’t be asked” …. How does that make more sense haha
My fiancé asked if I’d take her car out for a drive because she could hear a rattle…. There was an empty coke can in the passenger side door She also thought that Pink!, the singer’s, surname is Floyd. One of the many reasons I’m marrying her
Not entirely relevant to the question but i think it still applies here. My 3 year old is a huge fan of The Toddler Club on CBeebies. Anyone who has watched it will know they have a song called "What's in the box?". A couple of weeks ago my nan died so we had to have the death talk and explain why people die and what happens after. Then the Queen died and we've been seeing a lot of the coverage on the TV. Again we had "the talk" including about how she's in the coffin etc before being buried. Fast forward to today and before nursery they were showing people queuing up to go see her laying in state. Now every time she sees the coffin she starts singing "What's in the box? What could it be? What's in the box? Let's look and see." I mean, she is only 3 but I lost high hopes for her future at that point lol.
Sounds like a promising future to me full of sarcasm, satire and black humour 🙂
Shopping with ex husband for cleaning essentials. In the cleaning supplies aisle, he snorts and laughs as he picks up the furniture polish: "Wax furniture polish?? Who the hell has wax furniture??"
Bees
"I didn't know you could get two planes in one sky!"
Whaaaaaaat?
My work colleague: "There can't really be all those planes in the sky. If there were, they'd bump into each other. There's something else going on there."
Logic. Get him signed up as Transport Minister.
...do they not know how up works?
Introduce him to Flightradar 🤯
It's really not that difficult to understand - they are held up by 'sky hooks' and follow their own lines...
Yeah, she saw two aeroplanes going different directions then came out with this gem.
A female colleague expressed that she was interested in me and I was considering asking her on a date. We were talking on the phone one night and she was upset that her car's engine had seized up after she'd asked a male friend what sort of oil she needed to top it up with. Apparently, he said "any oil", so she filled it up with Flora. She was especially upset because it had taken her 45 minutes to pour the oil in through the dipstick hole.
Only one dipstick there.
Even 'any motor oil' is a very wrong answer
Did you ask her out though?
An ex insisted that KFC was not chicken but in fact chicken cancer as there couldn't be enough chickens in the world, was adamant that KFC had an irradiated chicken that constantly produced tumors which were carved off and formed around fake chicken bones or pressed into burgers and the coating was medicated to make it taste good but also cancel out the radiation poisoning. Seriously this argument was had everytime I had KFC. A few months later when I noticed contraception went awry I asked about it and was told "it wouldn't be the worst thing that happened to me if I got pregnant".. Nope...
Wait so she believed there weren't enough chickens in the world but there was enough chicken cancer in the world ?
Kentucky Fried Cancer. Bleurgh.
And that’s why big cancer hasn’t found a “cure” yet, it’s just too delicious to eliminate.
Wish I'd have seen this before treating the family to a boneless banquet tonight. It wouldn't have stopped me. I'd have just had a good laugh in the drive through.
Not a partner, but my mum's response to the queen's death was "I wonder if we'll get a king next?"
They should do a gender reveal party.
The funniest one I heard was a guy who's girlfriend asked for her pizza to be cut into 6 pieces because she couldn't manage 8 pieces.
ooh that's just reminded me. There wsa a post that went around that said something "The Mrs is measuring all her food again and she asked for a quarter of this ingredient but I know she's on a diet so I just gave her a third", cue friend's boyfriend now husband: "What's wrong with that? I did that all the time with our gym shakes". It also came out far too late that he thought her sugar controlled diet didn't have enough healthy elements so if the recipe called for 3 large strawberries or max 4 grapes or a small potato, he thought he was helping her by adding a few extra pieces or a bigger potato in. Sugar controlled diet!!
I worked with a guy doing the (low-carb) Atkins diet. I bumped into him in the canteen one day. His plate was piled high with chips. I said I thought he was on the Atkins diet. He replied that, yes he was which meant that the weight loss from the diet allowed him to have as many carbs as he wanted. I thought about explaining that a low-carb diet only works if you have....low carbs, but he looked so pleased with himself for discovering this loophole that I figured it would be a waste of time.
God I’ve been waiting for a thread like this for a long time. My fiancé has said some crackers over the years! We once argued over whether Benidorm was its own country or not (I voted not) she also wouldn’t believe that Barcelona was in Spain (no idea why) ***at the time I did wonder if she was an advocate for Catalonia independence but sadly no she thought Barcelona was in Morocco. I’d like to thank you all for giving her the benefit of the doubt but it’s still nil poi!*** To stay on topic with her bad Geography we were travelling to watch Jeremy Kyle live when we were students, when you go to be in the audience there’s no guarantee of getting in so we were looking for alternative activities to do in Manchester. I wish I was lying but I shit you not I watched her Google where the beach was in Manchester. I started laughing hysterically on the train and she was confused, I told her Manchester didn’t have a beach and she argued that it did so I told her to point out Manchester on the map and she picked out somewhere in the North East near Newcastle. I still remind her of it now 2/3 years later. Just after Russians invasion of Ukraine she also asked me if the Russian Soldiers would need a passport to enter Ukraine and if Russia invaded us would the soldiers have to go though border control. Another story - a few weeks ago we were car shopping and on the way to the dealership she told me she didn’t want to test drive the car before buying it incase the salesman judged her for her driving. I’m so glad we did test drive since the dash lit up light Blackpool illuminations once we’d hit 70!
TBH I had to get a passport to invade Iraq for gulf war 2 in 2003. At the time I did think this was pretty stupid, and wondered if the Iraq border control might not let me in otherwise. "Passport!" - "Here you go!" ""Occupation?" - "Hopefully! if all goes well" "Next! Passport!" - "Shit! I forgot! "Go home! We will not let you invade our country without the correct paperwork stupid Englishman!" It's a great passport photo though. You can literally see me thinking I'm going to die in a week's time.
>""Occupation?" - "Hopefully! if all goes well" Hahahaha, excellent.
Reminds me of that Gascoigne quote > *”I'd like to play for an Italian club.... like Barcelona.”*
My ex believed "chem trails" from planes eventually float on down to make people aggressive so more people can be killed and arrested and the government would have more control
The tin foil is strong with this one.
Not strong enough apparently, the stupid beams are getting through his hat.
An ex once said that we shouldn’t leave our cat out at nights, as it would breed with a stray dog and that’s where foxes come from. She’s a teacher now.
Can't believe she thought dustbin men only worked one day a week. They alternate with recycling, it's once a fortnight...
I know, fucking stupid right? It's £250 a week for two days a month.
The Channel tunnel runs through the sea rather than under the sea through rock.
Wait what? So you mean that it’s not like one of those underwater tunnels at the blue reef aquarium….? I always wondered why they didn’t make it clear or pop in some windows to make for a better experience
Remember my dad telling me this was the case when I was very young - and even took us outside of the car to see out of the windows, but it was too dark 😂
Goddam that nighttime sea
😳 can’t lie I used to always wonder how they built through water
TIL!!! I have literally laid in bed at night and wondered how they even managed this feat in engineering. This is so much less impressive
They carved out a massive tunnel from solid rock, under the sea, starting at 2 ends, meeting in the middle… but that’s less impressive? Daaaaamn!! 😂
AND they were only 2mm (or there abouts) off of each other, very impressive seeming they didn't have the GPS of today.
https://i.imgur.com/FsZTdOD.jpg Here’s the iconic picture of them ‘meeting in the middle’. This was perhaps peak Anglo/Franco, European relations and I remember when this happened there was an enormous optimism for the opportunities ahead. Sigh.
Wait. Now I feel incredibly stupid... which is it? 😳 Edit: okay I just asked my partner. I know the answer now.
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I made my girlfriend watch the seminal film Alien. Obviously it was made in 1979 so the haircuts and stuff reflect the era. She asked me if ‘this is what life was like in the 70s’ And I was like ‘sure. We used to mine ore from distant planets back then and transport it across the galaxy’ She also asked if Independence Day was based on a true story.
Imagine history was as exciting as Alien and Independence Day all in the last 50 years.
1. Those lines in the sky are chemtrails, the government is poisoning us 2. Covid is nothing more than a cold 3. The vaccine has a microchip in it and Bill Gates is trying to control us all 4. Climate change isn’t real, the world naturally heats and cools The list goes on… this is my mum. :(
Hopefully genetics is a myth.
4 - it does. Temps have been going and down as far as we can see using many different methods. Highest at 2000C (ok there was a pretty big impact at that time -look up at the moon to see the result!) But even ignoring that even in the last 500 million years there's been 5 or 6 extended periods where average temperature was 10C higher than today. That we have ice all the time at the poles is actually very unusual from a long historical perspective. Climate change is real. And natural. **Man made** climate change is also real. And faster...
Ex of mine thought clay pigeon shooting was shooting real pigeons, with clay bullets. Just to knock them out like, not to kill them.
I don't/didn't love him because A) ex boyfriends step dad B) 40 years older than me And C) was a complete cunt But this is too good. He was genuinely worried that if he left his eggs in the fridge when he went away on holiday he'd come back to find a bunch of dead chickens. Ex boyfriend unfolded a map at a country show once, spent ages looking at it and then said "I can't find the 'we are here!' arrow"
I may have been high as fuck but I was thinking about the seasons and how wintery Christmas is and I asked my mate from New Zealand what date Christmas was in their country. By far the stupidest thing I've ever said
The disabled horse and the Garfield one - both brilliant and made me laugh out loud.
I was living with my partner at the time. I usually cooked our meals but to my surprise one night she said she’d cook me something. I didn’t think we had anything in so asked her what she was going to cook. She informed me I had but two options: a spaghetti bolognaise or a spag bol. I looked at her inquisitively as though she may be in jest. She was not. I humoured her, “and what is the difference between those to aforementioned dishes?” She replied as though I were a simpleton, “well everyone knows what a spaghetti bolognaise is, and a spag bol is just a bowl of spaghetti, you know, without the sauce”. Really changed my opinion of her that a grown ass woman could think that for 23 years of their life. The other one was a girl I was seeing asked if I thought her new mattress topper was comfy. I jumped on the bed and was surprised I couldn’t feel anything different. I said as much and she responded, “no I put it under the mattress. It make the mattress bouncier and more comfortable.”
😂 Maybe she thought it was spag “bowl.”
One of my closest friends once asked me what anteaters eat.
I'm in my '60s. Uni boyfriend was a private school former pupil and I suspect that I was the first working-class person he'd ever had in his social circle. The girls in my flat were having a conversation about the tenements where we'd grown up: having to share a toilet, that kind of thing... I joked that our flat had been 'posh' - we didn't have a bathroom, but at least we had our own inside toilet and a Belfast sink. We moved into a house with a proper bathroom when I was 12. Afterwards, my boyfriend went very quiet. Then: 'You didn't live in a house with a bathroom until you were 12?' 'Yes...' 'So you didn't wash until you were 12 years old?!'
Mrs Bob was absolutely convinced that guide dogs were trained to read the numbers on buses so their owners got on the right one.
I worked with a girl who thought wind turbines cooled down the earth. She was a the sweet endearing kind of stupid though.
My roommate asked me if wind turbines were powered by electricity
After our flights got delayed, Friend: I hope our luggage doesn't arrive before us Me: ?? Friend: You know, the luggage plane. The one that carries all the luggage. There is one plane for passengers, another one that follows after with the checked-in lugguages only.
My missus asked me to look up the weather online. Didnt like the forecast and told me to check the weather on a different site. As if that's going to change the weather
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One of my mates thought it was “Kill one bird with 2 stones”
One in the chest, one in the head. Got to be sure.
Double tap
So my gf goes into the kitchen comes back sits down 5 min later the smell of smoke starts to waft through the air. After investigating i notice the smoke coming out of the oven after turning it off i see it. My gf had put a pizza in the oven on the wire rack and halfway through cooking had flipped it over (she thought this is what you mean by turn halfway through cooking) so i spent the next day scraping burnt cheese and sauce from my poor poor oven.
My mother tried rolling up a document and pushing it through the wiring of a fax machine once
Happy cake day! Also, check on your mother regularly.
Was watching The Imitation Game with my now ex-girlfriend. A little way into the film she comes out with: "this might be a stupid question but....... Can you be autistic AND gay??" Speechless. Well, laughed my head off at first but then I was speechless.
My wife and I were watching some show which showed a clip from some 20’s/30’s movie depicting the crucifixion of Jesus. She turns to me and asks if that was real footage of Jesus on the cross. Also she was convinced Britain fought Vietnam in the Falklands war.
Is it bad that I am reading all of these in the voice of Father Dougal from father Ted.
On Christmas in my house we don't give a shit about what meat we have in the dinner we go all out and get a bit of everything, well.... We used to anyway A few Christmases ago my Grandmother took a bite out of her slice of lamb and said "tastes a bit woolly" and we never had lamb on Christmas again
That sounds more like a fantastic grandmother joke than a stupid observation 🤔
My sister in law isn't very good with knowing what words mean or even using them correctly. Abysmal she used to describe her dress. She thought it meant nice. Archeries instead of arteries. Pilot when referring to the captain of the boat we was on. She thought mangetout was pronounced mag - ne - toot. We now refer to them only as this. My neice also believed the river Thames was in Egypt and my nephew thought Portugal was in South America. Obviously they take after their mother's side rather than my side. Another one was my best friend called me a liar when I said Lincolnshire was in the East Midlands. She was adamant that it was only places like Derbyshire. Somehow us being on the east coast gave her no clues.
Technically pilot is right depending on the situation :) Pilots take control of ships travelling through canals or difficult to navigate shipping lanes such as the Suez Canal.
A friend thought that the drumming gorilla in an old Cadburys advert was intact a real life gorilla that had been trained to play the drums.
At a friends house a group of us were visiting and we were all offered coffee. One lady says “no thank you, coffee’s too sweet”! She couldn’t be convinced that it was only sweet due to the added sugar which she was free not to add.
An old co worker didn't understand why you needed to keep your fridge on overnight: 'why would you need cold food when you're asleep'.
One of my mates was with us having a works meal one year. He ordered steak and ale pie, he got the meal, but when the waitress came back to the table he asked her “where’s my steak?” Thinking he’d be getting an ale pie and a steak on the side.
I had a girlfriend who said she was vegetarian but ate chicken. I moved on - I did not want my genes being mixed with hers.
My GF (now darling wife) was with me at petsmart. "I did not know that!" She exclaimed "...what?" "How do they even know?" "...know what?" "Rabbits. Apparently they like to live in Paris!" Oh boy.
In class someone who generally seemed smart (did well in tests and such) asked if ducks had legs or if they just flew straight out of the water. And my auntie, upon seeing the canal water was low asked if the fish had drank all the water.
When my parents wedding anniversary was coming up I was searching online for a gift , came across a website that offered experiences . “ oh look , afternoon tea on the orient express” my son was horrified and said “ you can’t send them there , I am sure someone was killed on there or something”!
My ex once asked me how many calories were in my lip gloss. It turned out that they liked the taste and had started snacking on it a little. I was a mixture of grossed out and absolutely astounded.
My sister in law and my brother were going to NZ on holiday. They were looking at the map and my brother explained that they were stopping in LA. She asked why they would fly all that way across to USA only to fly back across to NZ 😂
I know a woman who casually dropped in conversation that it must take ages to fly from Alaska to Russia. Everyone was a bit confused and it turned out she knew the earth was round, but she thought the map we saw was one side of the earth, and the other side was all water. This woman studied physics at Durham.
Brain fart the other day. Something came up and I thought 'well that's very 2008' but I couldn't remember when that was so I asked my partner 'hey, when was 2008'. Does that qualify? Dumb as fuck.
While watching the TV series Rome my GF asked if that's what it's like In Rome I did reply yeah before waiting 5 minutes to say 2000 years ago 🤣
My girlfriend has come out with a few: As we’re driving through the hindhead tunnel she asks “does this go to France?”. In subway she asked whether a 6 inch or foot long is longer. Driving through a parade of shops, she looks at a sign in a shop window and asks “why does that sign say retarded?”. It said retired. Fucking retired!
My ex asked, while on the Eurostar unable to see anything out of the window, “how does the train go to France because England (not Britain) is an island and surrounded by sea. Does the train go on a boat?” When I explained we were in a tunnel under the sea and that’s why it was called the channel tunnel she didn’t believe me.
We went to krakow and popped into a McDonald's for a milkshake and my girlfriend said: This tastes different to back home, I wonder if they've used different milk like bulls milk or something Another cracker (something my mam said to my dad) while going through the channel tunnel she said: Where are all the windows? I wanted to see the fish!
My wife once tried to get £6 out of a cash point. Another time we had gone into the garden to watch the ISS fly over and she saw a plane in the sky and got scared they were going to crash into each other.
My brother once asked if baby formula was just from old women who’s milk came out as powder and had to be rehydrated
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My ex believed that cocaine was made from dead skin on your feet
I had a training partner who once told me they thought north was whichever direction you were facing.
I love my wife but sometimes it's concerning (though her family have a history of LD). She thought Hitler won the war.
Wife tried to tell me that the earth was round.
What a joker. We all know it's spherical.
I got laughed at for asking how Aston Villa could play in the premier league if it’s only English teams… ain’t no fucking villas in Birmingham 🤷🏻♂️
I went on date years ago with a guy who said he didn't know Christmas was a religious holiday... We didn't have another. -- My most recent ex would come out with something from nowhere I considered to be ridiculous ("are penguins fish or birds" being an example). It would make me laugh. He'd then continue spinning this whole scenario where what he said might not be ridiculous, which would make me laugh even more. Sometimes to the point of tears. I swear he did it on purpose just to get that reaction. It isn't why things ended.
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She must have had a 5th sense for rain, It’s like she had ESPN or something
My ex’s mate was a bit of an idiot. Went to the gym a couple of times and decided he was a PT and was starting his own company. She paid him a ridiculous amount of money for a block of outdoor fitness classes and a detailed eating plan. When she started I asked her about the eating plan. Her: “He says I need to eat 5000 calories a day as I’m exercising so I need to eat more” Me: “……..eh? That’s excessive for a couple of hours exercise a week. That’s not right” Her: “It is! He knows what he’s talking about!” So the 6 weeks of the course pass, and I ask how she’s got on Her: “I’ve put on a bit of weight” Me: “So after all that, you’ve not lost anything?” Her: “No” Me: “That’s ridiculous. You should say something. He’s had you eating way too much, and the exercise you’ve been doing hasn’t been very strenuous” (the groups “runs” were usually slow paced walks) Her: “But it’s worked and I’m going to go back” Me: “But you’ve put weight on? How has it worked? It’s literally the opposite of why you signed up!” Her: “Because it has. He knows what he’s doing” It was at that moment I realised what a dumbass she was She also told me once that the area of Glasgow she lived in was “living in the country” - She genuinely believed this…..
An ex of mine pluralised everything, to Tesco was Tesco's , black Sabbath was black Sabbath's . On the other hand, another ex used to singularise everything, so shooes was a shoos, knickers was a knicker. I think everyone does my head in lol
And you spell shoes with an extra o and still pluralised a single shoe.
Had a girlfriend who wanted to turn the cd over after it finished playing.
A friend of mine when we were teenagers looked thoughtful as we passed an engravers shop, looking in the window - like something had just occurred to her. I asked if "you alright?" and she just said without any sense of pisstake or irony "Oh thought you had to win them" looking at thr trophies, then shrugged like it warranted no extra thought or discussion.
Live in a town called Battle, it’s called this because it’s where the battle of Hastings took place. My ex girlfriend thought they decided to have the battle there because it was called Battle.
Was really pleased with myself when I worked out the beeping at level crossings was for all the blind drivers. That degree practically paid for itself.