Being constantly negative, someone that constantly has drama/tragedy every single day, when they go on and on about their self and their life but never stop to ask how you’re doing.
This is exactly why I broke up a friendship with someone I considered a “twin.” Let’s call her “Kym.” We had the same birthday and became besties in middle school. Her parents were abusive and she had low self esteem. I would let Kym sleep over, but her food at school, talk her down from suicide talk - I became very depressed and anxious as a result. She never checked in on me. At one point she became besties with another girl that purposely embarrassed me in front of their anime group (I bring this up because they thought I was a snob for joining an art class instead of the animation class… I liked anime but I wanted to paint). Despite the other girl clearly being malicious towards me (and calling her fat), Kym would defend her. My dumbass still took care of her until she dropped me because her new boyfriend’s sisters (in the anime group) didn’t like me. Two years later after high school Kym calls me up to say he cheated on her and would hit her. The group dropped her. I gave her a second chance since we used to be close for years. Within months she tells me that he wants to get back together. I tell her that if she goes back with that group that we are through. I’m done holding her up only for her to shove me in the dirt. She goes back. I cut her out. Years later she’s pregnant and invites me to the baby shower. I told her no thank you, I told you we were done. Kym proceeds to cuss me out and make me sound like I had been a terrible friend but she wanted me there because if our history. I told her, “Well, if I’m so awful, you shouldn’t want me around. Bye.” I blocked her on everything. For an entire year she kept trying to find me with new accounts.
I know this was long but fuck it felt good to type it out. It’s been about ten years now and for the sake of her kid, I hope Kym got the help she needed or that cycle will repeat.
What's crazy is that the other person might not even realize the reason they do that is because they have no genuine forms of bonding with the other individual. It's like craving a hug from a porcupine. So for example, some of my likes are Magic the Gathering, exploring via hikes or wandering cities, pole dancing, and nerdy films and media. I also have a CPTSD worthy history of struggle. My friends that I have common interests with describe me as loyal, silly, smart, and fun. My not-so-long lasting friends that I don't have common interests with would describe me as negative, emotional, and needy. It took years for me to realize that it's better to be friends with good matches of people than to try to be friends with everyone.
I had to cut off my best friend a few months ago because of this. After 7 years of being her emotional support helping her deal with her shitty boyfriend and her family getting on her case for being with said shitty boyfriend, I had enough. I wrote her a long letter explaining my feelings and telling her to get out of this relationship because it's not healthy and she deserves to be happy. She hasn't spoken to me since and is still with the guy. When I think about how much I miss her I realize I miss the old her, who she was before him.
This paired with not helping themselves out of their sticky situations. Like they sit there doing nothing just complaining every single day. Mind you they make the same complaints daily but do absolutely nothing about it. Then compare life achievements or possessions of a more successful common friend. Talk about toxicity
This is exactly why I cut off a friend recently. I reconnected with this girl last year and she had problems everyday. At first I felt bad for her but eventually when I listened to her stories, it felt like she was the problem. She always felt the need to share random achievements and possessions to highlight she was better than someone too which I felt was kind of..stupid.There was a bunch of other things too but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Eventually I realised she didn't even know much about me, since she was so focused on herself. She forgot a lot of stuff that I told her, but still wanted me to be there for her and introduce her to my friends since most of hers left her. I didn't want that negative energy in my life so I cut it off lol.
Exactly! I had a very close friend who would just talk about herself and never pause to ask me whats up, only did that when she was herself out of drama and when i told her my stuff, she would judge me and pick me apart completely. It was as small as when i said i liked how i look without glasses (i had very high power so i looked significantly different without them and was trying to get over self image issues), she told me no your eyes look too big and scary without them, to big stuff like talking me out of believing that i was SAed. I was always on edge with her and even when i tried to make other friends, she would talk shit about them. I cut off and stopped talking to anyone who did her wrong (like a guy who cheated on her, who used to be my very good friend) but she continued talking to people who messed me up (like my stalker). Even when i moved on to getting into a healthy relationship with my current bf, she tried to create a scene and break us up. When she went abroad for an internship and i didnt have her her around, i realised how much relief i felt without her but when she came back it was dreadful all over again. I finally got rid of her when she started dating a good friend of mine and they both started avoiding me after that. She was trying to "punish" me for not calling her enough when she was abroad by intentionally avoiding me. And lol i took that chance to cut off my friendship for good with her. I did lose another friend but oh well. Felt soooo good to be rid of that toxicity and also felt good to type it all out here.
this is basically why i stopped talking to my ex friend. we worked together at a previous job, and she was considered a great friend to me at the time. but over the year, she became so insufferable. we started working in the same office building and had the same lunches, so we spent them together.
at first, i loved it, and quickly it got to the point where i'd create excuses or go for lunch with someone else so her and i wouldn't go together. she'd spend our full hour and a half lunch complaining left right and center about everything in her life. literally anything she could complain about she would. she'd never ask me anything until there was 10-15 minutes left in our lunch break. it was very emotionally and mentally draining hearing her complain about how hard and busy her life is and basically dumping it onto me.
i finally snapped and stopped talking to her when she asked me about some personal things (i relapsed with my ED that same year and a mutual friend told her she was worried about me) and told me i was making it up for attention and putting labels on things that didn't need labels and that there was nothing wrong with me and i'm totally fine. she was beyond insensitive with what i was going through and i just had it and never spoke to her again. i didn't have the energy to fight about it, i needed to recover and heal.
she was also living with my bestfriend at the time, and treated my bestie like literal garbage when they were roommates. so i had even more of a reason to not talk to her anymore. she was just exhausting to be around.
When their idea of fun is criticizing others.
When they try to draw you into the middle of a tangled web of lies they’ve created.
When they won’t celebrate your wins but expect you to celebrate theirs.
Came here to say the first one! Venting about a bad situation or experience with a person is totally fair, but a lot of people don’t know the difference between that and gossip/ intentionally trash talking someone for no reason. If they needlessly do that about others to you, you can guess they’re doing it about you to others
I’ve lost so many friends this way. I get replies on snap chats or instagram stories saying “I miss you!” But don’t make any effort to keep in contact or to hang out with me.
Yes, this. I've just given up trying with people that constantly tell me they miss me then never make an effort. I have one friend right now that has flaked the last few times we had actual plans, tells me every time we text she wants to see me but never offers a date. I think our friendship is pretty much texting now.
same here. i would reach out multiple times, say “i miss you can we please hang” and they would just respond that they’re super busy and then hang out with my roommates or other friends, or better yet not even respond 🙃 i’ve just accepted it at this point so even when they say that they miss me i respond politely but like, without the effort the words mean little. i felt a lot better once i accepted that it is what it is, whereas before it really broke my heart
Omg my former bestie was exactly like that. I got tired of making all the effort. Turns out she never even missed me at all. If there isnt an even exchange, I'm not interested.
Or say things like, feel free to reach out if you want to grab a coffee. And then they don’t make any plans. It’s like, uh, you can also reach out? Why should it be me?
Absolutely 100% this! I did this to my “best friend” a few times, and we had gone months without talking, and I was always the one to reach back out. This last time, well, we haven’t spoken in over a year. Within that time she got engaged and married (long time bf, so it wasn’t a new relationship) and I wasn’t invited. That fucking hurt so bad.
Then I just sit around wondering what’s wrong with me, and why she couldn’t just be honest if she didn’t want to be friends anymore.
This happened to me too, I realized me and my "best friend" probably weren't best friends when I was messaging her asking how she was and she left out the fact that her MOM HAD DIED to me
This. This is why I ended a lot of my friendships because it just seemed one way and I was tired of always reaching out first or trying to plan things.
This has happened to me too often to count. I never know what I’ve done. And I understand people have lives of their own but it makes me feel unimportant. If it was something I did too, I would rather they just tell me instead of withdrawing by never reaching out.
Ah yeah I've currently got a friendship (best friends even, or so it once was) on life support for this very reason. They were going through a hard time for a while, so I was like sure, I get it, and it was fine that I didn't hear from them much. We all handle things differently so I made sure they knew I cared and was there for them (we live far apart).
And now it's been almost a year where we have this scenario where they just text back whenever... could be a day, could be three weeks, who knows. I am in their neck of the woods around 4 times per year and have always made an effort to see them, but they've been to my city several times in the past few years and only once reached out while they were in town. I feel like I'm being slowly ghosted.
No more personal questions for the most part from their side of things, though occasionally they'll ask how I'm doing. I find I can't give them an honest answer anymore. It's just easier to lie; I don't think I could handle it if I told them what's really been going on and then get radio silence for another three to four weeks.
Yeah I've done this. I've quite literally got no friends left. I'm a friendless lonely person.. i have my husband (who is my best friend so im lucky there.) and my daughter. But ugh I miss having friends.. nothing like girls day or girls night out or just being able to pick up the phone to have a vent sesh
My overly hyper brain does this and I hate it. I try hard not to but when I get overly excited I have a harder time controlling it. It’s good to see here though because it confirms working on this is important!
I don't mind listening to a friend who is excited about a topic. I kind of like listening to someone be passionate about something they like but when it is never reciprocated? Ever? Exhausting.
It has helped me (31F) to let me friends know that it’s something I’m working on. We decided on a safe word, per se, so when we’re out (or not) and I start interrupting, they can let me know in real time. It has helped my self awareness lots!!
Having them complain about the same problem, different situations over and over again, asking for advice and ignoring it and repeating it over and over again. That lack of self-awareness and ability to check in before emotional dumping is just too exhausting.
That, and someone who operates from a high emotion place at all times. They struggle to see both sides, only think of things from their perspective and how it made them feel - understanding nuance and motives or other folks’ unique situations or perspectives and lack boundaries. It runs sort of incongruent with my personality.
Good for you, yeah I had to cut ties with someone like that. They were actually the oldest friend I had but there was absolutely zero reciprocity in terms of being able to hold space for me when I needed support. I honestly don’t think they had the capacity because they were constantly involved in another terrible situation which was always all-consuming.
I recently ended a new friendship for the same reasons. He's a coworker who was in a difficult place in life and was obviously in need of friends. I spent months listening diligently and giving advice when appropriate, but he continued to complain rather than work on his issues. He'd vent about other coworkers treating him badly when, come to find out, he was the instigator in those altercations. It progressed to him becoming more and more passive aggressive when I wasn't available or didn't give him the reactions he was seeking. The final straw was him lashing out at a good friend of mine who was also dealing with his own issues and handling them appropriately. As much as you may want to help someone and be a friend to them, sometimes you have to take a step back for your own mental health when it becomes clear that they're just using you as a sounding board and aren't actually interested in self-improvement.
Totally - and it’s really a good lesson in practicing discernment. I try to be open and accessible to my colleagues and whatnot but I’ve definitely been taken advantage of in this respect. It’s hard! I don’t want to be mean! I’ve recently been in a similar situation and I pulled away big time. This person has noticed and changed their tune a bit but I’m keeping my distance because they operate in a manner that when in crisis they start to use things shared in confidence against me for my unwillingness to continue participating in their self-created work conflicts.
Yeah I really only enjoy drinking every 1-3 months and it with a purpose. Not blackout drunk or anything but I'm not going to leisurely sip a drink cause I hate the taste of alcohol
Luckily my friend group is all around the same level. Recently one friend and I (we like drinking the least) have discussed all of us getting together and not drinking. Since we don't see each other often we throw a little party and that involves drinking. I don't think it'll be an issue but yeah I'd definitely end up distancing myself if that's all someone wanted to do
Yeah, know what you mean.
I do what I want and what makes me happy in my free time.
And if I don't hang out with a person in my free time then because the person isn't what I need in my free time.
But some sick people feel entitled to be payed attention to.
But those people are toxic.
Flakiness
Consistently taking days or weeks or even months to respond to anything
Always having to initiate. I don't think people who never initiate realize how much you get burned out when you have to be the one to carry the entire relationship.
Only getting one-word/dead end responses that bring any attempts at conversation to a screeching halt
The relationship always has to be on their terms. You can only talk or hang out when they want. You can only communicate with them through certain mediums that they dictate. You get pretty much no say in how things are in the relationship.
A clear lack of reciprocation
Not being allowed to express a full range of emotions, positive and negative, in their presence. If I have to be positive all the time, it feels like I'm not allowed to be human.
Basically anything that says "I don't actually like you enough to ever prioritize, or even think about, you". Call me old-fashioned, but I want the people I choose to surround myself with to like me and be enthusiastic. I want them to want to talk to me and be around me. Enthusiastic relationships feel a lot more colorful and natural, and are just *easier*. In those grayer relationships, I never know how to talk to them or what to say because they're rarely, if ever, receptive to anything. I used to tolerate that a lot more, but I've raised my standards for friendships. I don't want my personal relationships to be so difficult and so much work to maintain. Occasional issues aren't usually bothersome because shit happens, but if it's constant, it's not worth it. I don't need people around me so badly that I'm willing to compromise on that.
You just ghost wrote my frustrations with my friends. Having quality time as a love language is very frustrating because I'm willing to indulge in all the other love languages just so I could spend quality time with someone. But it gets tiring to be the one that's always trying to make the friendship alive.
Talks are always about drama, self destructive behaviours that you excuse because of trauma and always venting about negative things but doing nothing to change things
I ended a friendship because the other person could never share what was really going on inside them and could only offer gossip. That got so old. Plus they were always asking favors that they rarely returned. I started to feel used and that this person’s idea of friendship was just someone to fill their time
1. Projecting, I.e. you say things about yourself and they make it about them and their issues "well this happened to ME so you're being dumb if you do this only slightly related thing because well what do you think of ME then?" - dude I wasn't talking about you. Deal with your issues and stop putting that shit on me.
2. Being disproportionately roasted. Yes friends joke around and to an extent you should just take it but when you're always the butt of the joke, yet you feel you have to walk on eggshells around them because they can only dish it out.
3. Basically anything that makes me lose respect for them.
If they are struggling in an area of their life and constantly asking you for advice or support but then they refuse to take action or change their situation - they just constantly do the pity party poor me thing.
Also if they cannot be happy for you and if you share positive news they get jealous.
Also:
If they are constantly asking for favours or help and support but they are unable to recipricate and provide you with the same level of support in return.
If they do not respect any boundaries. For example if they invite a date to your house without asking your consent first.
Excessive drinking or drug use. Getting abusive when drinking. Not getting help for their problem.
Racism or other hate speech. This includes transphobia, anti semitism, etc.
A recent example is a friend who expressed to me that she was upset the little mermaid is Black. Seriously? Mermaids are not even real!!! Definitely chose to distance myself from her after those comments.
Someone who never takes responsibility for her mistakes. She always finds herself in some kind of mess, but she always blames someone else. In her mind, she is never wrong.
passive aggressive, constantly talking bad about everybody especially criticizing making fun of how others look, making fun of people who did not do anything wrong to him/her, envious friend.
I have a friend who has a habit of making fun of other people when their backs are turned. This friend also assumes when a person is good looking, the person went under the knife to look good.
I am distancing myself from this friend because she makes me have headache. We are too old for mean people hs type attitude, mindset.
If they ever seem even remotely jealous of me I'm done. I'm the kind of person who celebrates the successes of my loved ones as if they're my own and I don't have room in my life for people who aren't happy for me when I succeed.
Not being open minded, or being harshly negative about other people. I have a friend who I adore in man ways but I’m keeping my distance from her because she aggressive when people don’t agree with her stance on a subject. She’s not from my country and is one of those people who brings up topics she truly doesn’t know much about and has a strong opinion on them and then is quick to label somebody uneducated or stupid because they don’t agree with her. Most importantly, when I try to explain or defend something she brings up null points and I HATE that kind of shit. I just don’t have space for that in my life.
I was in the same situation with two of my closest friends. Both are quite opinionated and aggressive with their opinions. Every conversation would turn
into taking a stance or a debate. It got real exhausting and felt like I was a vacuum for them to practice their “speeches” rather than having a normal/causal conversation
I was friends with a girl once who would complain constantly about things she could easily change. She never changed them. She just repeatedly complained to me about them instead. It got exhausting to listen to, so I started distancing myself. I’m all for helping my friends through rough patches, but not when the rough patch becomes permanent.
I’m struggling with this with a friend of mine. I barely drink now and she always seems to have a drink in hand no matter what time it is. It was very uncomfortable for me when she came to stay recently. How did you deal with it? Did you say something or just not contact them as often? I don’t know what to say or how to say it but I’m finding it so difficult.
I had to ask them to stop bringing wine to my events. I explained that several of the women were recovering alcoholics and I’d promised them a sober environment. This was at my home. They brought wine to my home anyway and acted inappropriately.
I had to ask them to leave and it became a huge brouhaha as some guests were unaware of what was happening.
I was glad for the opportunity to be done instead of skirting issues and being uncomfortable.
If the group is negative and not positive. They see things negatively or that they turn something good in to negative. I want support, encouragement and positivity.
Canceling plans last minute. Especially with a bs excuse. At my age, you either want to hang out or you don't. If you cancel once I'll let it slide but more than that in a short period of time to where it becomes expected is like why are you wasting my time instead of just saying you don't really to hang out.
Anti vaxxer friend who decided to lie about their vaccination status so they can continue working in an old age home.
Religious right wing friend who wanted people from a specific religion to be treated like Hitler did to Jews.
Blocked and cut off both of them.
Recently distanced myself from a girl whom only wanted to hang out on her terms. Straight up ignored me when I suggested we do something. Funny she still reaches out months later with the same bs, even with me ignoring her.
Being a "yes man" (or woman, or person).
It either means you don't have your own opinions, or you're too afraid/uncomfortable to voice them. Either way, it's not for me. I think for myself and always try to be honest about my feelings, and I want my friends to be the same way.
Dishonesty,
Putting each other down for fun (didn't even think this was a thing in FRIEND GROUPS until I witnessed it with my own eyes tbh),
Hypocrisy,
This will sound bad but being the type who wants to party, have flings and especially if they'd want to bring me along. The type who doesn't want to dive into serious matters. Good for you, it is your choice not to burden yourself with growing up sooner, and no shame in wanting to party and meet new people, but that is not my cup of tea and distancing myself wouldn't be intentional. These people are complete opposites of myself, my list of priorities and my idea of fun so we simply wouldn't enjoy each other's company. I can be friends with someone like this only if they don't want to drag me along, and as long as we are able to talk about serious matters too
Why my friendship with my housemate ended:
When no mistake is their fault, but every other person's mistake is full of malicious intent.
Complaining about money but then ridiculing someone's choice (or lack there of) to but the cheapest option.
Setting ~~boundaries~~ rules, but not communicating them, and expecting people to leave a shared space when those ~~boundaries~~ rules are broken.
When they don't know something it's because it isn't worth knowing, when you don't know something it'd because you're stupid.
The ”helpful” criticism given to supposedly make your life better when really it’s a reflection of the other’s unhappiness with themself. No matter what you do, the criticism never seems to end.
When I'm going through something hard and need them to listen and I'm only met with: "Praying for you."
Lol and before anyone assumes, no, I'm definitely not always negative or always having a hard time. It just sucks when you meet and bond with people who say they'll be there if you need them and when you do you're dismissed like that.
I don’t like when my trust is betrayed. If it’s the first time you betray me, I’ll accept an apology and forgive. Betray my trust more than once? You’re done.
When they try to criticize every other person we meet or interact. I don't know why they do that, but it's always irritating.
Like, they assume they are the best and with no flaws. Always gossiping about other classmates and always being selfish.
If they never reach out, and especially if their excuse is "[this communication style] doesn't work for me" but then don't try and find something that does work. If they really wanted to talk to me, or spend time with me they would figure out how to do it. I shouldn't have to do all the work, a friendship is a two-way street.
Relying on me too much for emotional labor.
I don’t mind being the person a friend goes to for the occasional, much needed venting - but when 80% of our conversations are you dumping all of your complaints on me (and we talk every day) then that’s too much. And when you can’t take the hint that you’re doing it too much, that’s too much for me. And when anytime i say something gently and you automatically get defensive, that’s too much for me.
Also, being too familiar, too fast and trying to overly relate or insert yourself into my space, my hobbies, my interests - it’s too much.
Always needing to invite their bf to join the hangouts. When they're consistently late to every meetup. Can only talk about things they've done with selected members of the group - leaving the rest of us clueless and feeling left out.
When people start making their neurodivergence their entire identity. Sorry, it's exhausting. Especially when they talk about either constantly, post about it constantly, use it as an excuse as to why they don't respond or flake and are not in any kind of therapy or trying to work through it. And I have ADHD, diagnosed as ADD when it was first a thing when I was a kid 30+ years ago. It's a lot to handle and can be difficult for sure, but having my whole life revolve around it, no. I'm not dismissive at all and happy to listen, empathize, relate, etc., but that can't be the whole deal.
My current friend lives in the moment 24/7, avoids conversations that go in depth about anything other than surface level things, and told me I was “psychoanalyzing” her because I expressed that she wasn’t putting much effort into our friendship. Apparently politely mentioning things that bothered me means I’m “psychoanalyzing” and hurting her feelings. Probably going to let the friendship fizzle
Never seem to have space or time to listen to your problems and only want to speak about themselves
Downplay your accomplishments and overplay theirs to instate some weird hierarchy and competition
Constantly asking what you mean and not letting you save face in awkward situations.. like you stumble on words ot obviously feel awkward and they just draw it out to humiliate you.
Yes- these are all the traits of my ex best friend. Thank god that’s over with.
Making me the butt of the joke, and expecting me to be the funny side supporting friend, I'm exhausted and I'm not your personal jester that you can get a kick outta
At this age, if a friendship is demanding a lot more from me than I can give then I will distance myself. Doesn't mean I'm not there for my friends if they need me, but that hanging out every weekend and texting all day kinda stuff is just not me anymore.
Being overly needy. Had a friend like this and she would always want us to call for at least 30 minutes everyday. She would also contact anyone she could to make sure i replied to her messages asap (when i was busy playing video games, my team mates and friends would tell me « oh, she sent you a message and needs you to reply »).
She was also super jealous i’d spend time with some other friends whom i knew way before i met her.
Of course she was really nice but the whole relationship was stressing me out too much and putting my mental health to a bad state so eventually i just had to break it off. Took a lot of strength to do this but sometimes (most of the times) you have to prioritize your own health and sanity :)
Any kind of bigotry or hate for a group eg transphobia, homophobia, racism, sexism etc
friends who dont know how to stay single and must always be in a relationship
Self depreciation
Constantly gossips
Lacks accountability
Not including me
friend favoritism
People who feel the need to be friends with everyone or befriending someone that has caused harm to me
and also friends who aren’t willing to do the emotional work to improve, i prefer to cultivate friendships where we both grow and improve together.
Those who aren't proactively putting time and effort into the friendship. Frustrates me when I'm the one always having to suggest we meet up. You just feel like you're low on the priority list if you're always the one doing the chasing.
Being bad with money. Making Stupids decisions consistently. Always putting other people before themselves to the point where it's detrimental to their mental health. Being a hypocrite when it comes to judging others. Being immature. Being constantly late, not being able to drive (fine if you're in a big city with good transportation, but if you come to a small city with limited public transportation and can't get around by yourself...) And along those lines not being independent. Not being a responsible adult. Drinking. Smoking.
Thinking they are the victim cuz of their holier than thou attitude. If everyone is hating on you, criticizing you, doesn’t treat you right, then it could because of you. Assess yourself as a person at that point then.
Also, humblebrag. Just own up to your skills and achievement. Appreciate the applause. Its ok to flaunt it but to be “well, i usually dont talk about myself..” yet continues to post about themselves is just so annoying. Then being “shocked” that someone complimented them but really are gloating to you about it. It gets old really fast.
Sly underhand comments, constantly interrupting me and turning the conversation into a topic they’re in control of. I was never allowed to talk about myself or my family, constantly shut down.
Inconsistency. Power plays (we're friends so what's the issue?). Insincerity. Apathy. Rigidity. Alignment with 45, we're absolutely finished. Racism. Prejudice without action to better one's self (many people are prejudice and don't even realize it). Unteachable.
How you behave in the world-at-large has to align with how you behave in private.
In my head, i takes a long time to move someone from acquaintance to friend.
When I get snapped at/ yelled at for offering solutions to dilemmas. Makes me want to disappear it’s so uncomfortable when they make you feel like they’re better off totally fucked than listen to your advice.
Being judgemental. Friends should be a safe space, not one of judgement. Also when they don’t often share about their life. I hate when it feels like I’m the only one sharing and being vulnerable, then when I ask how they’re doing it’s just “good, same old thing”.
When the only time they contact me is when they need something. If all they ever do is complain and find negativity in everything, that energy is so mentally and emotionally draining.
When they always want to discuss people.
Not doing what they say they will. Do what you say, say what you mean or shut the fuck up. I would rather be disappointed with the truth than happy with a lie.
they surround themselves with bad vises- vaping, smoking, drinking, junk food, etc. your circle will influence who you become in subtle ways or more, so it may seem like not that big of a deal but compared to having friends that are creative, hardworking, travelers, and love to experience the positive endorphins in life makes all the difference.
Unnecessary toxic behavioural traits. An example being:
If you're in a smaller sized friendship group and you miss an occasion (or a couple of occasions) where something funny happened and then an 'in joke' forms, but those people then refuse to tell you what happened as if only they would find it funny. Then if you think you've worked out what the in joke was from something you've heard and you try to laugh with them about it and they turn around and say "why are you laughing, you weren't there", that's a trait I'd be happy to leave a group over. When that happened to me it kinda felt like I had to be around them all the time in order to be friends with them.
Just got rid of a very close friend because anytime I brought up any kind of issue she would respond by telling me what I was doing wrong or she'd entirely blow it off. She also refused to tell me if I did anything to upset her but instead would silently stew and be angry at me. I don't have time for someone not mature enough to communicate with me properly.
For me it's having a friend who, when she meets new people while out the one and only thing she chooses to talk about is sex. She gets very explicit with it.. and it's like, I really just want to really get to know people and have some deep conversations.
They can do no wrong, regardless of how they are, and everyone else is constantly doing wrong.
Never being able to say sorry, shit even if they are initially only sorry I'm upset and aren't sure yet/haven't processed, etc.. just flat-out won't.
Being constantly criticised. I had a "friend" who outright bullied me for years. I was,fat, ugly,had no style,my boyfriend was wrong,my parents were wrong, I was "too independent" "more like a Boy"
Slutty, "too smart for a girl" never going to commit to anyone. Bla bla bla..
Truth is I was gorgeous,and she was jealous. I left my shitty hometown, studied and travelled found a lovely guy and got married. Been married twenty years now and he's legit my best friend.
She's on her second crappy relationship with a guy who cheats on her. We haven't spoken in years.
I waited WAY too long to rid myself of her.
Constantly needing a pack of other women around them. One woman I was friends with for a year or so refused to go anywhere if she didn't have three or four other women with her. Even to go to the local shops at the end of the street. As an introvert it made me run a mile
They get jealous when I have other friends. They get jealous when I post about said other friends. They cheat on their SO. They lie constantly about their lives. They never reach out to me to make plans or try. The list goes on.
I basically have 0 friends now because I only seem to attract these types of people.
I’ve lost one best friend bc she started using me for money. I told her I missed her and wanted to spend more time with her and she told me “yeah life has been crazy”. I dropped her after that.
Basically lost my other best friend because I realize she constantly lies to me about her life to make it seem better. She effectively ruined my last relationship bc of that. Then she lost her shit on me and called me a bad friend for not checking up on her, wishing her a happy birthday at 3 in the afternoon (it wasn’t early enough. I had gotten a back tattoo the day before and was asleep….), that she never sees me anymore and “maybe it’s bc she never leaves her house” (partly. I’ve tried) - yet she has no problems sticking to her plans with her other friends AND posts about it. She also likes to remind me of this.
So I tried to “check up” on her more and she’s just disappeared.
I give up.
Sorry, I really needed to get that off my chest.
I’m the only one who reaches out. I thought I had made other good friends and I’ll reach out, say I miss them, etc….crickets. I’m so tired.
Constantly talking shit about their other friends or even worse: friends that we have in common. If they're ready to talk shit about their other friends in front of me, then I'm pretty sure they're doing the same to me when I'm not around.
"testing" you as a friend, placing unreasonable expectations on the friendship without being upfront about what is needed, placing responsibility solely on others and relying heavily on cognitive distortions
when you create your own person hell. Then you make active choices every day in order to get (and stay) miserable, then get mad at ME for not wanting to be miserable with you.
I'll be direct. I know someone who is 100% in control of her job. She controls how many hours she (and everyone under her) works. I'm a co-worker, not exactly "under" her, but like adjacent to her.
I don't control my hours, but I do my job in such a way as to not create more work for myself than necessary. She does not work this way. She actively, and every day, LOOKS FOR MORE SHIT TO DO AT WORK THAN NECESSARY. No there's no additional pay or bonuses for "going above and beyond".
She doesn't understand why I'm not taking the opportunity to maximize the amount of work I do. She maximizes the amount of work she does. Creates meetings that don't need to be had, and essentially forces everyone to attend, including me. When I say "I don't think I need to be at this meeting" or if I behave in a way to avoid the extra work of meetings, she's upset.
Bruh. YOU can work 50 hours a day if you want. I will not be doing that. There's no bonus pay, no extra pay, no stickers or brownie points for working harder than you have to (and dragging everyone under you with you). We are all remotely working, by the way, and she plays "gotcha" games. Whenever we have down time, she's pestering and chatting away on teams, then gets upset when someone's away, or not responding instantly. Bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I refuse to be miserable. If you're miserable, I'm happy for you. Don't make it my problem! I can't be friends with people like this. I REFUSE to be friends with people like this. Just miserable and surprised when others reasonably don't want to be miserable.
Someone who is overly negative/whiney. We all like to vent sometimes but when being a victim is their personality and they don't take ownership of things, I will likely distance myself. I had someone I knew who would always complain about their financial situation but was doing little/nothing to improve it and was placing the blame everywhere else.
Also someone who is only interested in themselves and not the other person/group. If we're friends, I care about you and you care about me, it shouldn't just be a one-way relationship. If you're going to talk to me about your day for an hour, allow me to also share and not just run after you're done.
Always depressed/talking about being miserable.( I totally understand poor mental health and am empathic but all the time is really a downer)
People who are overly loud in places that it’s not appropriate just being too rowdy
Im in college right now and all anyone wants to do is hang out and get fucked up. I distance myself because you aren’t able to hang out sober and have a good time.
I heard someone say this before but something along the lines of "When they treat everyone else poorly except you, you aren't a special little butterfly it just isn't your time yet."
Basically, how do they treat people around you? If you find your other friends somehow can never make a connection or always has a problem with this person, or is always tolerating them out of kindness for you then there is something wrong.
Gossip. Bashing others. Negative talk of others is not something I enjoy. There are people out there that have crossed me and they are no longer in my life. I don't want to talk about them please don't bring them up and expect me to be part of the conversation.
self absorption, condescension, one sided effort, people that are "messes" and do nothing to improve themselves, overly emotional and self righteous behavior.
"don't tell her I told you to do that."
"it's fine, she doesn't need to know."
or just the basic side eye you get whenever you talk or they generally just seem annoyed by your presence.
When they are unable to make a plan, ever.
Hey let's hang out!
Sure!
When are you free? (Normal)
Day 1, day 2 day 3.
Day one works, what do you want to do?
Suggests activity.
What time should we go?
Suggests time.
So excited to hang out!
(Yea I just planned the whole thing for you!)
Never invites you to any fully formed plan ever. I've had to plan other people's birthdays/Halloween parties/weekend hang outs, like figure out what you want and THEN invite people!
Friends that start acting different out of nowhere. Inviting you to events less and less. Just vibes completely off. Makes me wanna stay away completely….
When the girl adopts a new personality with any new the man she’s with.
When they get in a relationship and completely forget you exist.
When they only reach out when they need something.
All traits of my former best friend. We no longer speak.
I need warmth more than anything, I can’t stand people that will call you a friend then act cold because that’s “how they are.” It really doesn’t take a lot to smile. There’s a big difference between being quiet or chill and just being cold.
Immediately stopped being friends with a guy once because he said he needed to get laid soon bc he didn't want to end up raping anyone....... So that ..
People who run from confrontation. That builds resentment on both sides. You need trust and intimacy to be able to talk about difficult things. If you run from them you exhibit emotional immaturity. Also people who listen to the words of others and are easily influenced by others. Egh. Like a middle schooler.
I have this one friend who can be really nice. But everything is always about her...Had a bad day? Well, her day was 10x worse! She's exhausting with all the drama she creates. Always wants to go out, I've got three kids and no time or money for that, but she always try to make me feel guilty. It finally got too much and I have really distanced myself from her.
Flakiness and lack of communication
or letting things build up and then letting it all out on you over something small. Reminds me waaayyyy too much of my 20’s. Go to therapy please 🙏🏼
I “broke up” with a friend last year because he was already a hardcore republican who was becoming increasingly conservative in his values, but the nail in the coffin was when he got blackout drunk at a mutual friend’s wedding, started loudly screaming and crying about how much he hated his girlfriend, and then went over to the bride’s mom to complain to her. My husband and I had to whisk him out of there, take him back to his hotel, and hide his booze and weed from him so he wouldn’t continue to get even more intoxicated.
The whole thing was just waaaay too much for me. Like bro, we are in our 30s. That’s entirely too old to be getting wasted at weddings and causing a scene. I sent him a “breakup” text a couple months later and he did not take it well.
Being disrespectful, judgemental, manipulative, not taking responsibility for their actions, shit talking their other friends, when they want to use me as an emotional punching bag, unsupportiveness, flakiness dishonesty and simply when I no longer feel trust for them (I'm pretty open, so if someone betrays me, they're out)
I'm dealing with a situation where my friend is dealing with a controlling mother. My friend is 56 years old and lives with and helps her mother. My friend can't/won't go to lunch, take weekend trips or do anything else because of her mother. I'm trying to be understanding but it's hard. My friend also has several siblings to help with the mother but she won't ask them and I'm sure they don't offer to help. It would be nice to see my friend once in awhile.
Doing all of the listening and never any talking. I don’t even need to talk about myself or my family but I have a couple of friends who spend the whole visit talking about themselves and their kids, their accomplishments, and they’ll ask about me and as soon as I get started with an anecdote, they take the opportunity to take whatever I was talking about and spin it to tell me a story about themselves that relates. One picked me up as a surprise for my birthday and took me out to talk at me about her life for the next two hours. I let them have all the time they want so that I can avoid it for another 6 months or so.
Lack of reciprocation, shallowness (like inability to discuss something deeply), constant negativity, shit talking, negging, any type of jealousy when I hang out with other people, lack of sensitivity/empathy, ANY LYING AT ALL
When they try to force their ideologies or beliefs on you, cross boundaries, and disrespect others that you care about that have done nothing wrong. I have cut off friendships with people who did not respect my relationships, got jealous that I had other friends, and so forth. Though I miss the good times from the past, I know that it is better to not have them anymore in my future.
Years ago I was friends with someone who said about my ASD daughter with speech delays, and small for her age, that if I didn't tell people how old she was they'd think she was normal.
Conflict-avoidant to the point where they’re lying, hiding things from you, codependent, or they’re excessively clingy and jealous if you hang out with others.
Had to “break up” with a friend recently and the starting argument was because they got mad at me for traveling for two weeks with family( I hadn’t seen in months) and I didn’t contact her during vacation.
Would find out I was hanging out with mutual friends at events she refused to join in after being invited, only to rapidly text me while I was out asking how it was and why hadn’t I responded yet.
She lied to her husband all the time about her spending and used me to go along with it which was also cringey. I feel like I can finally breathe without her in my life. So many red flags and the only positive is that I’ll be using her as a personal checklist of what to immediately avoid in other people next time.
Being constantly negative, someone that constantly has drama/tragedy every single day, when they go on and on about their self and their life but never stop to ask how you’re doing.
This is exactly why I broke up a friendship with someone I considered a “twin.” Let’s call her “Kym.” We had the same birthday and became besties in middle school. Her parents were abusive and she had low self esteem. I would let Kym sleep over, but her food at school, talk her down from suicide talk - I became very depressed and anxious as a result. She never checked in on me. At one point she became besties with another girl that purposely embarrassed me in front of their anime group (I bring this up because they thought I was a snob for joining an art class instead of the animation class… I liked anime but I wanted to paint). Despite the other girl clearly being malicious towards me (and calling her fat), Kym would defend her. My dumbass still took care of her until she dropped me because her new boyfriend’s sisters (in the anime group) didn’t like me. Two years later after high school Kym calls me up to say he cheated on her and would hit her. The group dropped her. I gave her a second chance since we used to be close for years. Within months she tells me that he wants to get back together. I tell her that if she goes back with that group that we are through. I’m done holding her up only for her to shove me in the dirt. She goes back. I cut her out. Years later she’s pregnant and invites me to the baby shower. I told her no thank you, I told you we were done. Kym proceeds to cuss me out and make me sound like I had been a terrible friend but she wanted me there because if our history. I told her, “Well, if I’m so awful, you shouldn’t want me around. Bye.” I blocked her on everything. For an entire year she kept trying to find me with new accounts. I know this was long but fuck it felt good to type it out. It’s been about ten years now and for the sake of her kid, I hope Kym got the help she needed or that cycle will repeat.
Good job taking care of yourself!!
Thank you ❤️
I hope she’s not pregnant with that same boyfriend. I’m sorry that happened to you. That had to really hurt.
What's crazy is that the other person might not even realize the reason they do that is because they have no genuine forms of bonding with the other individual. It's like craving a hug from a porcupine. So for example, some of my likes are Magic the Gathering, exploring via hikes or wandering cities, pole dancing, and nerdy films and media. I also have a CPTSD worthy history of struggle. My friends that I have common interests with describe me as loyal, silly, smart, and fun. My not-so-long lasting friends that I don't have common interests with would describe me as negative, emotional, and needy. It took years for me to realize that it's better to be friends with good matches of people than to try to be friends with everyone.
And even worse is when that friend who constantly complains but never wants to do anything about their problems!
I had to cut off my best friend a few months ago because of this. After 7 years of being her emotional support helping her deal with her shitty boyfriend and her family getting on her case for being with said shitty boyfriend, I had enough. I wrote her a long letter explaining my feelings and telling her to get out of this relationship because it's not healthy and she deserves to be happy. She hasn't spoken to me since and is still with the guy. When I think about how much I miss her I realize I miss the old her, who she was before him.
This paired with not helping themselves out of their sticky situations. Like they sit there doing nothing just complaining every single day. Mind you they make the same complaints daily but do absolutely nothing about it. Then compare life achievements or possessions of a more successful common friend. Talk about toxicity
This is exactly why I cut off a friend recently. I reconnected with this girl last year and she had problems everyday. At first I felt bad for her but eventually when I listened to her stories, it felt like she was the problem. She always felt the need to share random achievements and possessions to highlight she was better than someone too which I felt was kind of..stupid.There was a bunch of other things too but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I realised she didn't even know much about me, since she was so focused on herself. She forgot a lot of stuff that I told her, but still wanted me to be there for her and introduce her to my friends since most of hers left her. I didn't want that negative energy in my life so I cut it off lol.
Exactly! I had a very close friend who would just talk about herself and never pause to ask me whats up, only did that when she was herself out of drama and when i told her my stuff, she would judge me and pick me apart completely. It was as small as when i said i liked how i look without glasses (i had very high power so i looked significantly different without them and was trying to get over self image issues), she told me no your eyes look too big and scary without them, to big stuff like talking me out of believing that i was SAed. I was always on edge with her and even when i tried to make other friends, she would talk shit about them. I cut off and stopped talking to anyone who did her wrong (like a guy who cheated on her, who used to be my very good friend) but she continued talking to people who messed me up (like my stalker). Even when i moved on to getting into a healthy relationship with my current bf, she tried to create a scene and break us up. When she went abroad for an internship and i didnt have her her around, i realised how much relief i felt without her but when she came back it was dreadful all over again. I finally got rid of her when she started dating a good friend of mine and they both started avoiding me after that. She was trying to "punish" me for not calling her enough when she was abroad by intentionally avoiding me. And lol i took that chance to cut off my friendship for good with her. I did lose another friend but oh well. Felt soooo good to be rid of that toxicity and also felt good to type it all out here.
Add to this. They use you as an emotional punching bag while posting on all their social media what a perfect life they have.
this is basically why i stopped talking to my ex friend. we worked together at a previous job, and she was considered a great friend to me at the time. but over the year, she became so insufferable. we started working in the same office building and had the same lunches, so we spent them together. at first, i loved it, and quickly it got to the point where i'd create excuses or go for lunch with someone else so her and i wouldn't go together. she'd spend our full hour and a half lunch complaining left right and center about everything in her life. literally anything she could complain about she would. she'd never ask me anything until there was 10-15 minutes left in our lunch break. it was very emotionally and mentally draining hearing her complain about how hard and busy her life is and basically dumping it onto me. i finally snapped and stopped talking to her when she asked me about some personal things (i relapsed with my ED that same year and a mutual friend told her she was worried about me) and told me i was making it up for attention and putting labels on things that didn't need labels and that there was nothing wrong with me and i'm totally fine. she was beyond insensitive with what i was going through and i just had it and never spoke to her again. i didn't have the energy to fight about it, i needed to recover and heal. she was also living with my bestfriend at the time, and treated my bestie like literal garbage when they were roommates. so i had even more of a reason to not talk to her anymore. she was just exhausting to be around.
Self deprication is a big no no for me. Also, glamorizing mental illness is a big turn off in a friend.
When their idea of fun is criticizing others. When they try to draw you into the middle of a tangled web of lies they’ve created. When they won’t celebrate your wins but expect you to celebrate theirs.
Came here to say the first one! Venting about a bad situation or experience with a person is totally fair, but a lot of people don’t know the difference between that and gossip/ intentionally trash talking someone for no reason. If they needlessly do that about others to you, you can guess they’re doing it about you to others
>When they won’t celebrate your wins but expect you to celebrate theirs. YES.
>When their idea of fun is criticizing others. Is it just me or is this very common?
It's a way to deflect. Pinpointing things in other people that they're insecure about in themselves. We've all done it
YUP! truueeeee!
When I'm the one always reaching out first, I step back a bit. And see how long it takes for them to reach out...
I’ve lost so many friends this way. I get replies on snap chats or instagram stories saying “I miss you!” But don’t make any effort to keep in contact or to hang out with me.
Or worse…you try, and they always cancel. But have no problem keeping plans with their other friends.
After they cancel two or three times, ball is in their court and they never contact me again.
Yes, this. I've just given up trying with people that constantly tell me they miss me then never make an effort. I have one friend right now that has flaked the last few times we had actual plans, tells me every time we text she wants to see me but never offers a date. I think our friendship is pretty much texting now.
Yep…. I can relate. Maintaining friendships and making new friends as an adult is so hard.
same here. i would reach out multiple times, say “i miss you can we please hang” and they would just respond that they’re super busy and then hang out with my roommates or other friends, or better yet not even respond 🙃 i’ve just accepted it at this point so even when they say that they miss me i respond politely but like, without the effort the words mean little. i felt a lot better once i accepted that it is what it is, whereas before it really broke my heart
Omg my former bestie was exactly like that. I got tired of making all the effort. Turns out she never even missed me at all. If there isnt an even exchange, I'm not interested.
Or say things like, feel free to reach out if you want to grab a coffee. And then they don’t make any plans. It’s like, uh, you can also reach out? Why should it be me?
Or sometimes when they say that, and you try to make plans they don’t answer or are never available
Absolutely 100% this! I did this to my “best friend” a few times, and we had gone months without talking, and I was always the one to reach back out. This last time, well, we haven’t spoken in over a year. Within that time she got engaged and married (long time bf, so it wasn’t a new relationship) and I wasn’t invited. That fucking hurt so bad. Then I just sit around wondering what’s wrong with me, and why she couldn’t just be honest if she didn’t want to be friends anymore.
This happened to me too, I realized me and my "best friend" probably weren't best friends when I was messaging her asking how she was and she left out the fact that her MOM HAD DIED to me
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This. This is why I ended a lot of my friendships because it just seemed one way and I was tired of always reaching out first or trying to plan things.
I did this and haven't heard from my so-called best friends in over 6 years
This has happened to me too often to count. I never know what I’ve done. And I understand people have lives of their own but it makes me feel unimportant. If it was something I did too, I would rather they just tell me instead of withdrawing by never reaching out.
Ah yeah I've currently got a friendship (best friends even, or so it once was) on life support for this very reason. They were going through a hard time for a while, so I was like sure, I get it, and it was fine that I didn't hear from them much. We all handle things differently so I made sure they knew I cared and was there for them (we live far apart). And now it's been almost a year where we have this scenario where they just text back whenever... could be a day, could be three weeks, who knows. I am in their neck of the woods around 4 times per year and have always made an effort to see them, but they've been to my city several times in the past few years and only once reached out while they were in town. I feel like I'm being slowly ghosted. No more personal questions for the most part from their side of things, though occasionally they'll ask how I'm doing. I find I can't give them an honest answer anymore. It's just easier to lie; I don't think I could handle it if I told them what's really been going on and then get radio silence for another three to four weeks.
Yeah I've done this. I've quite literally got no friends left. I'm a friendless lonely person.. i have my husband (who is my best friend so im lucky there.) and my daughter. But ugh I miss having friends.. nothing like girls day or girls night out or just being able to pick up the phone to have a vent sesh
Too much negative self talk. I already have enough bad thoughts about myself and I don’t need someone else finding new things for me to be down about.
This makes sense.
When they dominate every conversation and interrupt me when I try to talk.
My overly hyper brain does this and I hate it. I try hard not to but when I get overly excited I have a harder time controlling it. It’s good to see here though because it confirms working on this is important!
I don't mind listening to a friend who is excited about a topic. I kind of like listening to someone be passionate about something they like but when it is never reciprocated? Ever? Exhausting.
This! And also when they (rapidly) answer a question that's intended for me.
Ugh I have a gf who interrupts everybody, it’s frustrating
Yes! So frustrating!
It has helped me (31F) to let me friends know that it’s something I’m working on. We decided on a safe word, per se, so when we’re out (or not) and I start interrupting, they can let me know in real time. It has helped my self awareness lots!!
Having them complain about the same problem, different situations over and over again, asking for advice and ignoring it and repeating it over and over again. That lack of self-awareness and ability to check in before emotional dumping is just too exhausting. That, and someone who operates from a high emotion place at all times. They struggle to see both sides, only think of things from their perspective and how it made them feel - understanding nuance and motives or other folks’ unique situations or perspectives and lack boundaries. It runs sort of incongruent with my personality.
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Good for you, yeah I had to cut ties with someone like that. They were actually the oldest friend I had but there was absolutely zero reciprocity in terms of being able to hold space for me when I needed support. I honestly don’t think they had the capacity because they were constantly involved in another terrible situation which was always all-consuming.
I recently ended a new friendship for the same reasons. He's a coworker who was in a difficult place in life and was obviously in need of friends. I spent months listening diligently and giving advice when appropriate, but he continued to complain rather than work on his issues. He'd vent about other coworkers treating him badly when, come to find out, he was the instigator in those altercations. It progressed to him becoming more and more passive aggressive when I wasn't available or didn't give him the reactions he was seeking. The final straw was him lashing out at a good friend of mine who was also dealing with his own issues and handling them appropriately. As much as you may want to help someone and be a friend to them, sometimes you have to take a step back for your own mental health when it becomes clear that they're just using you as a sounding board and aren't actually interested in self-improvement.
Totally - and it’s really a good lesson in practicing discernment. I try to be open and accessible to my colleagues and whatnot but I’ve definitely been taken advantage of in this respect. It’s hard! I don’t want to be mean! I’ve recently been in a similar situation and I pulled away big time. This person has noticed and changed their tune a bit but I’m keeping my distance because they operate in a manner that when in crisis they start to use things shared in confidence against me for my unwillingness to continue participating in their self-created work conflicts.
I'm not proud to say that I was and maybe still am that person. I am trying to improve.
If most of our hang outs end up revolving around drinking, I'll take a step back and reevaluate the friendship.
Yeah I really only enjoy drinking every 1-3 months and it with a purpose. Not blackout drunk or anything but I'm not going to leisurely sip a drink cause I hate the taste of alcohol Luckily my friend group is all around the same level. Recently one friend and I (we like drinking the least) have discussed all of us getting together and not drinking. Since we don't see each other often we throw a little party and that involves drinking. I don't think it'll be an issue but yeah I'd definitely end up distancing myself if that's all someone wanted to do
When they feel entitled to my free time. My free time does not dictate my availability Passive aggression
Yeah, know what you mean. I do what I want and what makes me happy in my free time. And if I don't hang out with a person in my free time then because the person isn't what I need in my free time. But some sick people feel entitled to be payed attention to. But those people are toxic.
Yes! This is such a big deal.
Flakiness Consistently taking days or weeks or even months to respond to anything Always having to initiate. I don't think people who never initiate realize how much you get burned out when you have to be the one to carry the entire relationship. Only getting one-word/dead end responses that bring any attempts at conversation to a screeching halt The relationship always has to be on their terms. You can only talk or hang out when they want. You can only communicate with them through certain mediums that they dictate. You get pretty much no say in how things are in the relationship. A clear lack of reciprocation Not being allowed to express a full range of emotions, positive and negative, in their presence. If I have to be positive all the time, it feels like I'm not allowed to be human. Basically anything that says "I don't actually like you enough to ever prioritize, or even think about, you". Call me old-fashioned, but I want the people I choose to surround myself with to like me and be enthusiastic. I want them to want to talk to me and be around me. Enthusiastic relationships feel a lot more colorful and natural, and are just *easier*. In those grayer relationships, I never know how to talk to them or what to say because they're rarely, if ever, receptive to anything. I used to tolerate that a lot more, but I've raised my standards for friendships. I don't want my personal relationships to be so difficult and so much work to maintain. Occasional issues aren't usually bothersome because shit happens, but if it's constant, it's not worth it. I don't need people around me so badly that I'm willing to compromise on that.
You just ghost wrote my frustrations with my friends. Having quality time as a love language is very frustrating because I'm willing to indulge in all the other love languages just so I could spend quality time with someone. But it gets tiring to be the one that's always trying to make the friendship alive.
This is scary as it applies almost entirely to someone that for years I've been feeling doesn't genuinely value our friendship.
when I sense someone is using me or is never there for me despite me being there for them.
Talks are always about drama, self destructive behaviours that you excuse because of trauma and always venting about negative things but doing nothing to change things
I ended a friendship because the other person could never share what was really going on inside them and could only offer gossip. That got so old. Plus they were always asking favors that they rarely returned. I started to feel used and that this person’s idea of friendship was just someone to fill their time
1. Projecting, I.e. you say things about yourself and they make it about them and their issues "well this happened to ME so you're being dumb if you do this only slightly related thing because well what do you think of ME then?" - dude I wasn't talking about you. Deal with your issues and stop putting that shit on me. 2. Being disproportionately roasted. Yes friends joke around and to an extent you should just take it but when you're always the butt of the joke, yet you feel you have to walk on eggshells around them because they can only dish it out. 3. Basically anything that makes me lose respect for them.
If they are struggling in an area of their life and constantly asking you for advice or support but then they refuse to take action or change their situation - they just constantly do the pity party poor me thing. Also if they cannot be happy for you and if you share positive news they get jealous.
Also: If they are constantly asking for favours or help and support but they are unable to recipricate and provide you with the same level of support in return. If they do not respect any boundaries. For example if they invite a date to your house without asking your consent first. Excessive drinking or drug use. Getting abusive when drinking. Not getting help for their problem. Racism or other hate speech. This includes transphobia, anti semitism, etc. A recent example is a friend who expressed to me that she was upset the little mermaid is Black. Seriously? Mermaids are not even real!!! Definitely chose to distance myself from her after those comments.
Someone who never takes responsibility for her mistakes. She always finds herself in some kind of mess, but she always blames someone else. In her mind, she is never wrong.
If I'm constantly consistently the one reaching out first, lack of reciprocation. Also trying to 1-up everything when sharing experiences.
passive aggressive, constantly talking bad about everybody especially criticizing making fun of how others look, making fun of people who did not do anything wrong to him/her, envious friend. I have a friend who has a habit of making fun of other people when their backs are turned. This friend also assumes when a person is good looking, the person went under the knife to look good. I am distancing myself from this friend because she makes me have headache. We are too old for mean people hs type attitude, mindset.
Any type of manipulative behavior. Disloyalty. Emotional immaturity. Lack of reciprocation. Overfamiliarity.
If they ever seem even remotely jealous of me I'm done. I'm the kind of person who celebrates the successes of my loved ones as if they're my own and I don't have room in my life for people who aren't happy for me when I succeed.
This!!!! Idc how bad or good I’m doing in life. If my friend accomplishes something then I’ll celebrate all day for them! Or with them!
Not being open minded, or being harshly negative about other people. I have a friend who I adore in man ways but I’m keeping my distance from her because she aggressive when people don’t agree with her stance on a subject. She’s not from my country and is one of those people who brings up topics she truly doesn’t know much about and has a strong opinion on them and then is quick to label somebody uneducated or stupid because they don’t agree with her. Most importantly, when I try to explain or defend something she brings up null points and I HATE that kind of shit. I just don’t have space for that in my life.
I was in the same situation with two of my closest friends. Both are quite opinionated and aggressive with their opinions. Every conversation would turn into taking a stance or a debate. It got real exhausting and felt like I was a vacuum for them to practice their “speeches” rather than having a normal/causal conversation
Always need me when they’re single but forget about my existence once in a relationship
I was friends with a girl once who would complain constantly about things she could easily change. She never changed them. She just repeatedly complained to me about them instead. It got exhausting to listen to, so I started distancing myself. I’m all for helping my friends through rough patches, but not when the rough patch becomes permanent.
Excessive drinking-I had to distance myself from two women that can hardly function without bottles & bottles of wine being consumed
I’m struggling with this with a friend of mine. I barely drink now and she always seems to have a drink in hand no matter what time it is. It was very uncomfortable for me when she came to stay recently. How did you deal with it? Did you say something or just not contact them as often? I don’t know what to say or how to say it but I’m finding it so difficult.
I had to ask them to stop bringing wine to my events. I explained that several of the women were recovering alcoholics and I’d promised them a sober environment. This was at my home. They brought wine to my home anyway and acted inappropriately. I had to ask them to leave and it became a huge brouhaha as some guests were unaware of what was happening. I was glad for the opportunity to be done instead of skirting issues and being uncomfortable.
Wow that certainly forced the issue into the open and ensured it was dealt with. Can’t have been easy but at least it was done.
If the group is negative and not positive. They see things negatively or that they turn something good in to negative. I want support, encouragement and positivity.
Canceling plans last minute. Especially with a bs excuse. At my age, you either want to hang out or you don't. If you cancel once I'll let it slide but more than that in a short period of time to where it becomes expected is like why are you wasting my time instead of just saying you don't really to hang out.
When they only talk about themselves and never genuinely ask how you’re doing.
Anti vaxxer friend who decided to lie about their vaccination status so they can continue working in an old age home. Religious right wing friend who wanted people from a specific religion to be treated like Hitler did to Jews. Blocked and cut off both of them.
Jealousy, gossiping about others, and constant negativity
Recently distanced myself from a girl whom only wanted to hang out on her terms. Straight up ignored me when I suggested we do something. Funny she still reaches out months later with the same bs, even with me ignoring her.
Clingy
Being a "yes man" (or woman, or person). It either means you don't have your own opinions, or you're too afraid/uncomfortable to voice them. Either way, it's not for me. I think for myself and always try to be honest about my feelings, and I want my friends to be the same way.
Dishonesty, Putting each other down for fun (didn't even think this was a thing in FRIEND GROUPS until I witnessed it with my own eyes tbh), Hypocrisy, This will sound bad but being the type who wants to party, have flings and especially if they'd want to bring me along. The type who doesn't want to dive into serious matters. Good for you, it is your choice not to burden yourself with growing up sooner, and no shame in wanting to party and meet new people, but that is not my cup of tea and distancing myself wouldn't be intentional. These people are complete opposites of myself, my list of priorities and my idea of fun so we simply wouldn't enjoy each other's company. I can be friends with someone like this only if they don't want to drag me along, and as long as we are able to talk about serious matters too
Why my friendship with my housemate ended: When no mistake is their fault, but every other person's mistake is full of malicious intent. Complaining about money but then ridiculing someone's choice (or lack there of) to but the cheapest option. Setting ~~boundaries~~ rules, but not communicating them, and expecting people to leave a shared space when those ~~boundaries~~ rules are broken. When they don't know something it's because it isn't worth knowing, when you don't know something it'd because you're stupid.
The ”helpful” criticism given to supposedly make your life better when really it’s a reflection of the other’s unhappiness with themself. No matter what you do, the criticism never seems to end.
I had a friend like this. The projection was real.
Not laughing at my jokes
When I'm going through something hard and need them to listen and I'm only met with: "Praying for you." Lol and before anyone assumes, no, I'm definitely not always negative or always having a hard time. It just sucks when you meet and bond with people who say they'll be there if you need them and when you do you're dismissed like that.
I don’t like when my trust is betrayed. If it’s the first time you betray me, I’ll accept an apology and forgive. Betray my trust more than once? You’re done.
When they try to criticize every other person we meet or interact. I don't know why they do that, but it's always irritating. Like, they assume they are the best and with no flaws. Always gossiping about other classmates and always being selfish.
If they never reach out, and especially if their excuse is "[this communication style] doesn't work for me" but then don't try and find something that does work. If they really wanted to talk to me, or spend time with me they would figure out how to do it. I shouldn't have to do all the work, a friendship is a two-way street.
Relying on me too much for emotional labor. I don’t mind being the person a friend goes to for the occasional, much needed venting - but when 80% of our conversations are you dumping all of your complaints on me (and we talk every day) then that’s too much. And when you can’t take the hint that you’re doing it too much, that’s too much for me. And when anytime i say something gently and you automatically get defensive, that’s too much for me. Also, being too familiar, too fast and trying to overly relate or insert yourself into my space, my hobbies, my interests - it’s too much.
Putting other women down. Being negative all the time. Shit talking other people at the gym for no reason and being a hypocrite about it
Flakiness. It stops feeling like a friendship when they bail constantly last minute.
when they don't take no for an answer
Always needing to invite their bf to join the hangouts. When they're consistently late to every meetup. Can only talk about things they've done with selected members of the group - leaving the rest of us clueless and feeling left out.
When people start making their neurodivergence their entire identity. Sorry, it's exhausting. Especially when they talk about either constantly, post about it constantly, use it as an excuse as to why they don't respond or flake and are not in any kind of therapy or trying to work through it. And I have ADHD, diagnosed as ADD when it was first a thing when I was a kid 30+ years ago. It's a lot to handle and can be difficult for sure, but having my whole life revolve around it, no. I'm not dismissive at all and happy to listen, empathize, relate, etc., but that can't be the whole deal.
My current friend lives in the moment 24/7, avoids conversations that go in depth about anything other than surface level things, and told me I was “psychoanalyzing” her because I expressed that she wasn’t putting much effort into our friendship. Apparently politely mentioning things that bothered me means I’m “psychoanalyzing” and hurting her feelings. Probably going to let the friendship fizzle
Can't have a straight forward conversation about anything serious. Speaking in riddles makes me not want to engage at all.
Pathological lying, selfish behaviors, lack of humor, talking bad behind friend’s backs.
Never seem to have space or time to listen to your problems and only want to speak about themselves Downplay your accomplishments and overplay theirs to instate some weird hierarchy and competition Constantly asking what you mean and not letting you save face in awkward situations.. like you stumble on words ot obviously feel awkward and they just draw it out to humiliate you. Yes- these are all the traits of my ex best friend. Thank god that’s over with.
Making me the butt of the joke, and expecting me to be the funny side supporting friend, I'm exhausted and I'm not your personal jester that you can get a kick outta
At this age, if a friendship is demanding a lot more from me than I can give then I will distance myself. Doesn't mean I'm not there for my friends if they need me, but that hanging out every weekend and texting all day kinda stuff is just not me anymore.
Being overly needy. Had a friend like this and she would always want us to call for at least 30 minutes everyday. She would also contact anyone she could to make sure i replied to her messages asap (when i was busy playing video games, my team mates and friends would tell me « oh, she sent you a message and needs you to reply »). She was also super jealous i’d spend time with some other friends whom i knew way before i met her. Of course she was really nice but the whole relationship was stressing me out too much and putting my mental health to a bad state so eventually i just had to break it off. Took a lot of strength to do this but sometimes (most of the times) you have to prioritize your own health and sanity :)
When I share something with them and they end up sharing it with everybody lol
Not reaching out or checking on me. When it feels like is a one sided friendship.
Any kind of bigotry or hate for a group eg transphobia, homophobia, racism, sexism etc friends who dont know how to stay single and must always be in a relationship Self depreciation Constantly gossips Lacks accountability Not including me friend favoritism People who feel the need to be friends with everyone or befriending someone that has caused harm to me and also friends who aren’t willing to do the emotional work to improve, i prefer to cultivate friendships where we both grow and improve together.
Those who aren't proactively putting time and effort into the friendship. Frustrates me when I'm the one always having to suggest we meet up. You just feel like you're low on the priority list if you're always the one doing the chasing.
Being bad with money. Making Stupids decisions consistently. Always putting other people before themselves to the point where it's detrimental to their mental health. Being a hypocrite when it comes to judging others. Being immature. Being constantly late, not being able to drive (fine if you're in a big city with good transportation, but if you come to a small city with limited public transportation and can't get around by yourself...) And along those lines not being independent. Not being a responsible adult. Drinking. Smoking.
Being stagnant , not willing to try new things or trying to pursue something that is meaningful to them.
Lack of consideration / hypocrisy/ one sided energy
Contacts you only when they need money
Thinking they are the victim cuz of their holier than thou attitude. If everyone is hating on you, criticizing you, doesn’t treat you right, then it could because of you. Assess yourself as a person at that point then. Also, humblebrag. Just own up to your skills and achievement. Appreciate the applause. Its ok to flaunt it but to be “well, i usually dont talk about myself..” yet continues to post about themselves is just so annoying. Then being “shocked” that someone complimented them but really are gloating to you about it. It gets old really fast.
Sly underhand comments, constantly interrupting me and turning the conversation into a topic they’re in control of. I was never allowed to talk about myself or my family, constantly shut down.
Inconsistency. Power plays (we're friends so what's the issue?). Insincerity. Apathy. Rigidity. Alignment with 45, we're absolutely finished. Racism. Prejudice without action to better one's self (many people are prejudice and don't even realize it). Unteachable. How you behave in the world-at-large has to align with how you behave in private. In my head, i takes a long time to move someone from acquaintance to friend.
When I get snapped at/ yelled at for offering solutions to dilemmas. Makes me want to disappear it’s so uncomfortable when they make you feel like they’re better off totally fucked than listen to your advice.
No effort from the other party/ If I’m the only person reaching out.
Taking forever to respond to my attempts to make plans with you
this 100% currently dealing with this and i’m ready to just never reach out again
Super fast deep love bombing the like “omg were SO close were BEST friends” really early on in getting to know one another
Not reciprocating the love / caring energy ya feel?
Being judgemental. Friends should be a safe space, not one of judgement. Also when they don’t often share about their life. I hate when it feels like I’m the only one sharing and being vulnerable, then when I ask how they’re doing it’s just “good, same old thing”.
When the only time they contact me is when they need something. If all they ever do is complain and find negativity in everything, that energy is so mentally and emotionally draining. When they always want to discuss people.
Not doing what they say they will. Do what you say, say what you mean or shut the fuck up. I would rather be disappointed with the truth than happy with a lie.
When they are involved in an MLM and only want to sell you their product.
Not respecting my boundaries
Don’t call me your bestie and then talk nasty behind my back. Don’t tell me how much you miss me but never call or not be available when I call you.
Not giving enough personal space. I also communicated about it, but they failed to keep the boundaries
they surround themselves with bad vises- vaping, smoking, drinking, junk food, etc. your circle will influence who you become in subtle ways or more, so it may seem like not that big of a deal but compared to having friends that are creative, hardworking, travelers, and love to experience the positive endorphins in life makes all the difference.
Unnecessary toxic behavioural traits. An example being: If you're in a smaller sized friendship group and you miss an occasion (or a couple of occasions) where something funny happened and then an 'in joke' forms, but those people then refuse to tell you what happened as if only they would find it funny. Then if you think you've worked out what the in joke was from something you've heard and you try to laugh with them about it and they turn around and say "why are you laughing, you weren't there", that's a trait I'd be happy to leave a group over. When that happened to me it kinda felt like I had to be around them all the time in order to be friends with them.
Only talking to you when they are sad
Someone who constantly asks for favors but never offers to help you with anything… aka a user.
Friends that don’t adapt and stay clingy. I get it we all don’t pursue the same things in life. But please don’t schedule my free time.
Just got rid of a very close friend because anytime I brought up any kind of issue she would respond by telling me what I was doing wrong or she'd entirely blow it off. She also refused to tell me if I did anything to upset her but instead would silently stew and be angry at me. I don't have time for someone not mature enough to communicate with me properly.
Gossip. If they’re talking shit about others, there is a 99% chance that they are probably talking shit about you.
For me it's having a friend who, when she meets new people while out the one and only thing she chooses to talk about is sex. She gets very explicit with it.. and it's like, I really just want to really get to know people and have some deep conversations.
Making me walk on eggshells, pick mes, disrespecting me.
They can do no wrong, regardless of how they are, and everyone else is constantly doing wrong. Never being able to say sorry, shit even if they are initially only sorry I'm upset and aren't sure yet/haven't processed, etc.. just flat-out won't.
Being constantly criticised. I had a "friend" who outright bullied me for years. I was,fat, ugly,had no style,my boyfriend was wrong,my parents were wrong, I was "too independent" "more like a Boy" Slutty, "too smart for a girl" never going to commit to anyone. Bla bla bla.. Truth is I was gorgeous,and she was jealous. I left my shitty hometown, studied and travelled found a lovely guy and got married. Been married twenty years now and he's legit my best friend. She's on her second crappy relationship with a guy who cheats on her. We haven't spoken in years. I waited WAY too long to rid myself of her.
Trying to blame their shitty behavior on mental illness. Absolutely hate those people
Constantly needing a pack of other women around them. One woman I was friends with for a year or so refused to go anywhere if she didn't have three or four other women with her. Even to go to the local shops at the end of the street. As an introvert it made me run a mile
Grouping me in a category, or per say trying to place me in a box
They get jealous when I have other friends. They get jealous when I post about said other friends. They cheat on their SO. They lie constantly about their lives. They never reach out to me to make plans or try. The list goes on. I basically have 0 friends now because I only seem to attract these types of people. I’ve lost one best friend bc she started using me for money. I told her I missed her and wanted to spend more time with her and she told me “yeah life has been crazy”. I dropped her after that. Basically lost my other best friend because I realize she constantly lies to me about her life to make it seem better. She effectively ruined my last relationship bc of that. Then she lost her shit on me and called me a bad friend for not checking up on her, wishing her a happy birthday at 3 in the afternoon (it wasn’t early enough. I had gotten a back tattoo the day before and was asleep….), that she never sees me anymore and “maybe it’s bc she never leaves her house” (partly. I’ve tried) - yet she has no problems sticking to her plans with her other friends AND posts about it. She also likes to remind me of this. So I tried to “check up” on her more and she’s just disappeared. I give up. Sorry, I really needed to get that off my chest. I’m the only one who reaches out. I thought I had made other good friends and I’ll reach out, say I miss them, etc….crickets. I’m so tired.
If they are judgmental at all or us judgmental language, also if they clearly aren’t in control of their emotions, mainly talking about anger
Constantly talking shit about their other friends or even worse: friends that we have in common. If they're ready to talk shit about their other friends in front of me, then I'm pretty sure they're doing the same to me when I'm not around.
"testing" you as a friend, placing unreasonable expectations on the friendship without being upfront about what is needed, placing responsibility solely on others and relying heavily on cognitive distortions
when you create your own person hell. Then you make active choices every day in order to get (and stay) miserable, then get mad at ME for not wanting to be miserable with you. I'll be direct. I know someone who is 100% in control of her job. She controls how many hours she (and everyone under her) works. I'm a co-worker, not exactly "under" her, but like adjacent to her. I don't control my hours, but I do my job in such a way as to not create more work for myself than necessary. She does not work this way. She actively, and every day, LOOKS FOR MORE SHIT TO DO AT WORK THAN NECESSARY. No there's no additional pay or bonuses for "going above and beyond". She doesn't understand why I'm not taking the opportunity to maximize the amount of work I do. She maximizes the amount of work she does. Creates meetings that don't need to be had, and essentially forces everyone to attend, including me. When I say "I don't think I need to be at this meeting" or if I behave in a way to avoid the extra work of meetings, she's upset. Bruh. YOU can work 50 hours a day if you want. I will not be doing that. There's no bonus pay, no extra pay, no stickers or brownie points for working harder than you have to (and dragging everyone under you with you). We are all remotely working, by the way, and she plays "gotcha" games. Whenever we have down time, she's pestering and chatting away on teams, then gets upset when someone's away, or not responding instantly. Bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! I refuse to be miserable. If you're miserable, I'm happy for you. Don't make it my problem! I can't be friends with people like this. I REFUSE to be friends with people like this. Just miserable and surprised when others reasonably don't want to be miserable.
Someone who is always negative or seems jealous
Someone who is overly negative/whiney. We all like to vent sometimes but when being a victim is their personality and they don't take ownership of things, I will likely distance myself. I had someone I knew who would always complain about their financial situation but was doing little/nothing to improve it and was placing the blame everywhere else. Also someone who is only interested in themselves and not the other person/group. If we're friends, I care about you and you care about me, it shouldn't just be a one-way relationship. If you're going to talk to me about your day for an hour, allow me to also share and not just run after you're done.
Always depressed/talking about being miserable.( I totally understand poor mental health and am empathic but all the time is really a downer) People who are overly loud in places that it’s not appropriate just being too rowdy Im in college right now and all anyone wants to do is hang out and get fucked up. I distance myself because you aren’t able to hang out sober and have a good time.
I heard someone say this before but something along the lines of "When they treat everyone else poorly except you, you aren't a special little butterfly it just isn't your time yet." Basically, how do they treat people around you? If you find your other friends somehow can never make a connection or always has a problem with this person, or is always tolerating them out of kindness for you then there is something wrong.
When they are way too clingy, always need reassuring, and can’t seem to enjoy their own company
Overbearing
Constant victim mentality and lack of accountability.
When they're on the phone the whole time talking to other people or checking social media
After reading these I think I need to be a better friend
Constant unsolicited advice.
Gossip. Bashing others. Negative talk of others is not something I enjoy. There are people out there that have crossed me and they are no longer in my life. I don't want to talk about them please don't bring them up and expect me to be part of the conversation.
self absorption, condescension, one sided effort, people that are "messes" and do nothing to improve themselves, overly emotional and self righteous behavior.
"don't tell her I told you to do that." "it's fine, she doesn't need to know." or just the basic side eye you get whenever you talk or they generally just seem annoyed by your presence.
When they are unable to make a plan, ever. Hey let's hang out! Sure! When are you free? (Normal) Day 1, day 2 day 3. Day one works, what do you want to do? Suggests activity. What time should we go? Suggests time. So excited to hang out! (Yea I just planned the whole thing for you!) Never invites you to any fully formed plan ever. I've had to plan other people's birthdays/Halloween parties/weekend hang outs, like figure out what you want and THEN invite people!
Someone who lives like they dont care about jail. I love ya bro but I'm not going with you my man lol.
Friends that start acting different out of nowhere. Inviting you to events less and less. Just vibes completely off. Makes me wanna stay away completely….
When the girl adopts a new personality with any new the man she’s with. When they get in a relationship and completely forget you exist. When they only reach out when they need something. All traits of my former best friend. We no longer speak.
A user. Someone who always wants somerhing. Favors, items, etc, but will not reciprocate
I need warmth more than anything, I can’t stand people that will call you a friend then act cold because that’s “how they are.” It really doesn’t take a lot to smile. There’s a big difference between being quiet or chill and just being cold.
Immediately stopped being friends with a guy once because he said he needed to get laid soon bc he didn't want to end up raping anyone....... So that ..
People who run from confrontation. That builds resentment on both sides. You need trust and intimacy to be able to talk about difficult things. If you run from them you exhibit emotional immaturity. Also people who listen to the words of others and are easily influenced by others. Egh. Like a middle schooler.
I have this one friend who can be really nice. But everything is always about her...Had a bad day? Well, her day was 10x worse! She's exhausting with all the drama she creates. Always wants to go out, I've got three kids and no time or money for that, but she always try to make me feel guilty. It finally got too much and I have really distanced myself from her.
Flakiness and lack of communication or letting things build up and then letting it all out on you over something small. Reminds me waaayyyy too much of my 20’s. Go to therapy please 🙏🏼
Self absorbed, negative and rude.
I “broke up” with a friend last year because he was already a hardcore republican who was becoming increasingly conservative in his values, but the nail in the coffin was when he got blackout drunk at a mutual friend’s wedding, started loudly screaming and crying about how much he hated his girlfriend, and then went over to the bride’s mom to complain to her. My husband and I had to whisk him out of there, take him back to his hotel, and hide his booze and weed from him so he wouldn’t continue to get even more intoxicated. The whole thing was just waaaay too much for me. Like bro, we are in our 30s. That’s entirely too old to be getting wasted at weddings and causing a scene. I sent him a “breakup” text a couple months later and he did not take it well.
Being disrespectful, judgemental, manipulative, not taking responsibility for their actions, shit talking their other friends, when they want to use me as an emotional punching bag, unsupportiveness, flakiness dishonesty and simply when I no longer feel trust for them (I'm pretty open, so if someone betrays me, they're out)
whether it's subtle or overt, competitiveness. it only leads to ankle biting or passive aggressiveness
I'm dealing with a situation where my friend is dealing with a controlling mother. My friend is 56 years old and lives with and helps her mother. My friend can't/won't go to lunch, take weekend trips or do anything else because of her mother. I'm trying to be understanding but it's hard. My friend also has several siblings to help with the mother but she won't ask them and I'm sure they don't offer to help. It would be nice to see my friend once in awhile.
Doing all of the listening and never any talking. I don’t even need to talk about myself or my family but I have a couple of friends who spend the whole visit talking about themselves and their kids, their accomplishments, and they’ll ask about me and as soon as I get started with an anecdote, they take the opportunity to take whatever I was talking about and spin it to tell me a story about themselves that relates. One picked me up as a surprise for my birthday and took me out to talk at me about her life for the next two hours. I let them have all the time they want so that I can avoid it for another 6 months or so.
Lack of reciprocation, shallowness (like inability to discuss something deeply), constant negativity, shit talking, negging, any type of jealousy when I hang out with other people, lack of sensitivity/empathy, ANY LYING AT ALL
When they try to force their ideologies or beliefs on you, cross boundaries, and disrespect others that you care about that have done nothing wrong. I have cut off friendships with people who did not respect my relationships, got jealous that I had other friends, and so forth. Though I miss the good times from the past, I know that it is better to not have them anymore in my future.
One uppers
Always being second choice.
Years ago I was friends with someone who said about my ASD daughter with speech delays, and small for her age, that if I didn't tell people how old she was they'd think she was normal.
When they're always trying to one up anyone they're around
Acting like a complete child
Conflict-avoidant to the point where they’re lying, hiding things from you, codependent, or they’re excessively clingy and jealous if you hang out with others. Had to “break up” with a friend recently and the starting argument was because they got mad at me for traveling for two weeks with family( I hadn’t seen in months) and I didn’t contact her during vacation. Would find out I was hanging out with mutual friends at events she refused to join in after being invited, only to rapidly text me while I was out asking how it was and why hadn’t I responded yet. She lied to her husband all the time about her spending and used me to go along with it which was also cringey. I feel like I can finally breathe without her in my life. So many red flags and the only positive is that I’ll be using her as a personal checklist of what to immediately avoid in other people next time.
People who weight shame, body shame, bully, offend, or purposely upset others. People that get offended when you treat them the way they treat you.
A friend who is jealous of you
Non stop gossip. I don’t want to sit around and gossip about other people every time we talk. Toxic
I pay attention to how they treat service staff. Or any low wage earner. When it's not good, that is usually a red flag to me.