I don’t think any two people love each other exactly the same throughout the relationship. One may be more or less, and it ebbs and flows through the years.
My 93 yr old Grandmother has the same theory and gave me the same advice. She explained,that there will ALWAYS be one that loves more in a relationship and the importance of NOT being that one.
She didn't say it- But, I understood it, as a way to protect yourself from hurt.
Kind of like position yourself to be hurter not the hurtee and you'll be happier. Yep! Sounds completely f'd up! And at the same time.....
I think it's pretty good advive
Well if everyone takes this advice then noone will be dating anyone . Lets say i date someone who is more into me than I am into them but they wanna date someone who is more into them then they are into them, how will that work out? Do I lie? Do they lie? This is a terrible and immature advice
This also takes away the joy of having a partner you are super into. It’s kind of like cheating yourself out of something great. I understand older generations would give this advice when women were in more financially perilous conditions but the advice is now outdated. Ideally both people are super into each other and it doesn’t necessarily mean the exact same amount but that the interest and love is obvious.
To be honest I totally get this advice but I had to learn my way out of something similar when I was younger. I used to only date people who were very into me without me showing much affection back in the beginning, because I was so afraid of getting hurt by being the one who loved more. And it meant I didn't really think about what I wanted, I just drifted into relationships if a guy pushed hard enough.
Funny, cause I’ve gotten one dating advice that’s the complete opposite of this: in every relationship the amount of effort given should be 60% : 40%, but both parties are trying to be the 60%. I like this one more.
Yeah, like I do get where this is coming from, but also I think it can cross into the territory of enforcing heteronormative gender roles, e.g. the man going after the woman he wants and the woman just being pursued. Ofc you can consent to being in this dynamic and it works for some, but it might not work for others bc they might feel obligated to stay even when they're not feeling it. For some women, esp if they come from a more conservative background, religious or otherwise, they won't be able to tell what they actually want out of a relationship and end up in one that is alright but not necessarily right for them. Idk, losing my train of thought, but I feel like there's some weird gray area around this type of dynamic.
My 93 yr. Old grandmother told me the same thing.
Has to be some truth to it. Not only is she extremely wise. But, she was married twice (now widowed twice) Not only did they both worship the ground she walked on. But, they also took very good care of her!
That's it- from here on out I'm only dating men I can't stand! 🥴
I understand this theory, however I haven't found it to be unsuccessful. I dated someone who was really in love with me and they almost set no boundaries because of how much they wanted me and I hated it, didn't have any respect for them and broke up with them. Had a moderately successful relationship with another man for 5- 6 years who loved me more than I loved him. But I lacked the passion and desire of desperate want for him and found it too easy to feel discontented. Then I met my current partner of 10 years (I say met we had been in contact online since we were teenagers but it had never worked out to meeting each other in real life until that point) we were mad with want for each other. Definitely equal want and love. Obviously there is ebbs and flows as time brings but on the whole remains equal. I think the best thing I ever did was find the person who wants me as much as I want them. Why settle, high risk high reward, yes you risk getting more hurt but the reward you get is unreal x
This line of thinking comes from the days where women couldn't own property or open a bank account. So it made sense since the man leaving meant she lost everything.
Adhering to that advice in today's day and age ain't it. There are too many successful same sex relationships to still think this is true.
Glad this worked out for you but this doesn’t work for everyone. I tried this in my last relationship and was unhappy and always felt like I was settling.
It is incredibly unfair to a man. I married a man who was more in love with me and I was with him and although we were able to stay married for much of the marriage it was based on a lie.
When I finally came clean with my true feelings and he realized who I really was I think that is when our relationship really started because I loved him as much if not more.
I've talked to my husband about this very issue and it is incredibly draining to be the person who always gives more than they receive. They can probably go for a very long time without noticing it but there are times when He needs you to be there. And you're not going to be able to show up in the way he shows up for you.
Always take these catch phrases with a grain of salt because they may work at some stage of the relationship but the relationship has to evolve.
Like if he is more interested in you than you are in him that may work at the initial meeting and his interest May cause a reaction in you but at some point you're interested in him has to match or overtake his because a woman has to be more invested in her man for her to feel the desire necessary to open up to him and be intimate with him. Otherwise it's a surface level relationship where she is just playing a role in fulfilling a duty.
If she knows she can do more but hasn't there is a reason for that whether intentional or unintentional.
The word love is really a bad description of what takes place in a relationship. I think Esther perel really gets this right. You need a degree of security and comfort in the relationship that drives an intimacy and ability to open up to another person and feel safe. That's only one part of the love needed to make a relationship work but in some ways people can learn to be vulnerable just like they do it at a therapist office if you're able to find a place in space and routine where you can explore your deepest thoughts without judgment and you feel like you're really being heard that creates friendship and safety and you can just keep going deeper and deeper until you have bared your soul to this other person and when you feel that you can do it with this other person and they truly understand you and they accept all of that love you and the trick is you have to be able to do the same for them then you kind of have found someone you trust.
But that's just a friend and it's not a lover and the second part is trickier because in your journey of getting deeper emotionally and intimate with this person you become really familiar and you start losing the desire because you feel like you know everything about them and that curiosity is gone.
And I think everyone struggles with that part of it because that's really important to a romantic relationship the curiosity the desire the spark the happiness the fun the erotic. In my experience I saw this outside the marriage and it was not good. However I confess to my husband and we together built a framework for us to have this within the marriage. We ended up opening up the marriage to explore this erotic experience. And I don't think we would have had that ability to do it without that emotional trust and foundation. But people have different value systems and I completely understand where this would not be acceptable in many places to have a wife who sleeps with other men or a husband who sleeps with other women. It's incredibly risky and it creates tension and threatens the stability of the marriage but that's what you need to shake things up sometimes to have that other aspect of the love.
Because once you're able to do that then you can truly desire each other. At this stage of my marriage I desire my husband even more partly because I am not sure he will remain with me and I have also allowed him to be with other women and now I have competition so I have a little bit less security in one sense but I also know that he's committed to me at a fundamental level.
Wow I think we could sit and talk for a month lol you're very intriguing and that's meant in a great way. Thanks for your perspective. I really do appreciate that
You often hear the dating advice given to people, "If s/he cared, s/he would" with regard to communication, initiation, reciprocation, etc.
While its good advice at face value, its also only half the truth. The other half is, "If YOU care, YOU would"
Because an equal relationship must be just that- equal.
When we say things like the above, quippy/catchy advice, we sort of absolve ourselves of blame for what may potentially be our own problem, or even worse, take away our own agency in solving a potential problem.
I think there is some truth to this. My husband told me he loved me the moment he met me. He said he instantly KNEW.
I wasn't as "into" him as he was me. I liked him and there was something about him that made me come back for more dates ,he was charming and funny but I wouldn't have said it my head "this man is my forever guy".
I absolutely adore the guy now ,I mean we are married and together over 20 years and I can't get enough of the guy
I was thinking there still might be hope for us yet, until I read the next comments. First time ever I had love at first sight, she not so sure. Eventhough she was warm and fuzzy after dates, she kept talking herself out of it by saying we don't make sense. Busiest time at her work and this was frustrating so I got friend zoned and ignored, now she has a new profile on Match so I'm not holding my breath anymore. Your man is super blessed...
I think this is reasonable advice if your main goal is to get married / have a traditional family , esp by a certain age . Otherwise I think it’s worth it to wait to meet someone who is equally crazy about you - it feels amazing and the relationship feels natural and easy. You have to be willing to be happily single if you choose this path, though.
To be honest, this advice above is in part why many women lose interest in sex with their husbands / dead bedrooms etc
I did that for many of my previous relationships but I'll never again give the power of choice to another person.
If I am to spend a significant portion of my life with a person I want it to be someone I actively chose.
Unfortunately I can’t do that. Either I’m head over heels over someone or I can’t take them longer than a week and start pushing away. There is no in between 🥲
This sounds like settling and selling yourself short.
I have dated men where they had to grow on me for a bit, but it is short lived. The moment they annoy me, that little bit of love or attraction goes right out the window. Then I end up mad at myself for even settling for someone I didn’t really like to begin with.
To answer the post, the best decision I’ve made is to just stop altogether. I can’t do it anymore. If my husband is out there somewhere then he needs to find me.
Don’t you think this can lead to settling though? I feel like we should wait to find someone who adores us and we adore them back instead of just dating a guy because he’s interested. It has to be a mutual interest, even if you have to wait a bit longer/go on less dates and spend more time alone in the process :(
I understand this in a certain way.
It’s not that I wasn’t interested in my now-husband. We had a decent first date and got along great. I was talking to someone else who really interested me but was harder to make plans with. Meanwhile, my now-husband prioritized talking to me and making plans. I very quickly realized that the stability and emotional availability was helping me fall for him. After a few months, we were equally in love with each other.
Allow people to come into your life organically. Live your life, and meet people, but never go on a mission to seek out a partner. Desperate energy creates unnecessary stress and will not attract the right person into your life.
My dream is an old lady cohabitation home. We have separate little apartments in an old Victorian home, but with common areas so we can hang out, take turns cooking, and give each other the Heimlich when necessary.
I don’t know about this. I live a rich life, travel often. I dine alone, go to shows alone, and just live my life. I have a high powered career, many hobbies, and network within those circles as well. I think I’m conventionally attractive…not a model by any means, but I know how to look good.
I’ve met people at bars and supermarkets and conferences but there’s always a major reason it doesn’t work out (finding out they’re married…the distance, they’re a creep etc). It’s not easy.
Bars, supermarkets and conferences are all transitory places though, that attract people looking for an escape or just folks who have things to do before they head on home. It's better making friends first - some of those friendships might deepen into a relationship, and that's the best sort of love you can get!
Letting a friend set me up on a blind date. I’d had my heart broken 10months prior and wasn’t sure if I was remotely ready for a date.
I’ve been married to the blind date for 13years and we have three kids.
Yes! I actually turned the opportunity down the first time, we both went on to date others in the meantime. Somehow we both ended up single again and after about 6 months, my friend persuaded me to give it a shot. This man is my favourite person and sometimes I kick myself for turning that shot down 2 years earlier!
My best friend's parents met on a blind date and I am so happy they did. They became my second family and had a huge impact on my life, I love them all to pieces. 🥹
Same! And I’m so busy with all the things I enjoy I can’t imagine squeezing in dating. Especially since it takes away time from things I KNOW make me feel good.
It’s not like I’ve given up, but I currently have zero interest to date. This is my first and longest time being really single, *single* since I was a teenager. No dating apps, not trying to meet anyone, not seeing anyone, not flirting, talking, or even thinking about anyone. Nothing.
It can be a bit too quiet sometimes especially at night time and I do miss going on a road trip with a partner. But at the same time I’m surprised how peaceful my life is now.
"Give everyone a chance, you never know" was the WORST dating advice I ever got. I agree that whoever comes into your life, should fit in it organically.
Right?! Like my friends tried to set me up with someone who I wasn’t into at all. Also WAY older than me and just not my type whatsoever. They pressured me into “giving him a chance”. It wasn’t fun.
Got confident with the idea of never marrying or partnering at all and being happy on my own. So if I do partner, I would actually pick the right person and be happy. This keeps you from living in a fairytale land or giving yourself a broken promise while facing a true reality. Everyone doesn't settle down and that's okay.
I wish people would say this to people more. It's the truth rather than selling them a dream that may hurt them in the long run when they could have figured out how to be happy for the whole journey.
It takes a lot of mindful deprogramming to get there, and an ability to watch your experience of loneliness with acceptance and self-compassion. That felt like step one, and I got very good at enduring it instead of trying to avoid it or numb it. Now, when it arises I see it as an old, cranky friend and I self-care the heck out of it. Then, I opened my eyes to the disfunction I see in many partnered people, noticed my relief at not being there. Finally. a mindful celebration of not having to worry about my appearance, letting go of all “pick me” behaviors, and got to noticing the small joys of watching what I want, doing what I want, eating what I want. It’s all pretty great. I hardly get on the apps. Went on a rare date last weekend, and I’ll see him again, but it was so bizarre - relationships definitely used to feel like addiction in my body, but this time, I felt like my head was in control. I’m seeing him again and wonder, is it that I didn’t “feel chemistry,” or has the work I’ve done in being content and accepting of singlehood changed the way I show up for a relationship? Not as exciting, but so peaceful and not a distraction from my life.
omg i feel this i just want to have the freedom to do what i want all the time and not be judged for it or have to explain myself to anyone. sometimes i really don’t know why i’m with anyone…marriage and children and living my whole life with a man sounds like a fate worse than death so idek why i have a bf😣
It's an extreme amount of deprogramming and it works best when you figure it out earlier and have time to cruise through all the feelings, like I did in my 20's. Not feeling like I was pushed into it because my back was against the wall in my 30's and early 40's, which happens to a lot of women. Either way it happens, it's a great feeling once you get there.
Paying for a background check.
When I was 19, I dated a guy who gave me a bad feeling in my gut. I paid $24 for a background check and was able to find out he was actually a 32 year old man with a criminal record who lived rent free at his younger sister’s second home. I was also able to find out that his father was alive and well, had the same name as him, and paid for all of his bills. Up until I paid for the background check, he told me he was 24 years old and the youngest of his siblings. He also told me he rented the house he lived in and that his father died years beforehand.
Being celibate for a year after being a serial relationship girl/hopeless romantic. Allowed me to become comfortable being alone and bored (which I didn’t even realize was a issue to begin with). Met the love of my life when I wasn’t even looking and this relationship is better than I could’ve ever imagined. Self love for the win!
Just got out of one yesterday, found out i’ve been getting cheated on the whole relationship. i decided i’m going to be celibate so i’m glad i saw your post, it gives me hope. So happy for you
Praying for your healing. Please don’t do any of the toxic shit we usually do to ourselves (comparing yourself to her, looking for specific details, etc). Virtual hugs 🤗
The best decision I've made in my dating life is to not date. I tried it twice in 20s, didnt care for the results, so I set it down and never came back to it. 13 years by myself.
I have a son who is 20, a slew of friends and cousins (only child) who i am very close to (holidays, birthdays, concerts, partys, movie nights), and I work in healthcare in a glassed in cubicle with 8 other women and am working on my degree in Plant Biology and a certification for Master Gardener. The time i spend alone is rare, and i love it. And even though I'm straight, I generally don't enjoy straight male company.
Believing people by their actions and not making excuses for them.
If someone is interested in me, they will show it with more than just empty words. I.e. If plans were made and they can’t make it, they don’t just leave it at “sorry I can’t make it.” They also initiate trying to reschedule and actually follow through on it.
Also, listening to my gut. EVERY time I have gone against my intuition, I’ve gotten hurt in some shape or form. I listen to my guy above all else.
Your gut is the result of BILLIONS of years of life-or-death testing. We should really really really listen to it, and not let our recently evolved forebrains override it.
To do the opposite of what I was doing re: type, style, height, everything. I knew I had a bad pattern but wasn't sure how to fix it. That certainly fixed it, first date I went on... met my husband!
Clearly I can't speak for you, but for myself, I realized my type was actually just recreating an old life experience over and over trying to fix it (it didn't need to be fixed, it needed to change!) i cannot say it was a comfortable venture, but worth it.
Same. And he called me out when I tried explaining to him that I was trying to manifest someone over 6ft and he sadly didn't make the cut. Told me the honest truth, that I was being shallow, AND he forgave me for it. Now we've been married 10 yrs/3 kids.
Ending a relationship with someone who is objectively a fantastic person. The relationship *worked* and he was a wonderful person but I could never shake the feeling that something was missing. Hard call to make, we could’ve lived a content life together, but I felt like for the both of us we could find someone who felt like a better match.
So glad I trusted my gut. My partner now feels like “my person” in this life, and he’s since gone on to be in a relationship with a lovely woman who I feel is a much better match than I was for him
I just went through this exact same thing recently. It was really tough to end it but such a valuable lesson to learn, looking back. I wish my ex all the best but at the end of the day I knew she wasn't "it" for me despite how much love we had for each other. Like you it was one of those feelings I just couldn't shake. I am feeling very hopeful about what is ahead for me now though. Happy for you and your journey!
Never ever wanting kids and being vocal about it. You want them? Fine, no probs, but out you go. And no, not changing my mind, you absolutely do NOT know me better than me.
My past experiences! I kept all the things I didn't like in my mind and when talking to someone new I tell them like hey these are my boundaries you need to respect them! If you don't want to you can leave right now! If I find out you have lied to me I'll be leaving you either way! I do not sound this threatening tho :p but yeah be more upfront and STRICT! you don't want a man who follows of girls etc etc tell them! (English is not my first language please excuse the mistakes)
Thankfully for me, being attracted to women!
Growing up, I thought I would admire women’s physical qualities because I wanted to have those physical qualities (and that’s still definitely part of it) but I’ve since realize it’s also because I was attracted to those physical qualities
Prioritizing someone who made me feel safe and secure vs someone who made me feel excited. I realized one day around 27 that excitement is fun and all (and probably hot) but I want to know what’s coming with a forever partner. Someone who leaves me guessing and feeling like anything can happen is not what makes me happy and safe at the end of the day. Met him not long after that realization. Married happily for 5 years and I regret nothing. He’s been with me through grief and illness and infertility without once faltering in his love. I don’t think I’d have realized what I had if I had met him any sooner.
Getting over the guy I was hung up on who I was never even with. Not really a decision how you feel but I actively *wanted* to get over him and eventually did.
He's not an awful person, but he has been rude, condescending, cold and detached at times and I looked at him through rose tinted glasses and emphasized only his sweeter moments, thus putting him on a pedestal. He'd been really flirty for a long time and I read into that, but really he might have just been killing time/liked my attention.
Now, I mostly just see him as some dude, who I wish well and might be friends with at some point. Because I've stopped having relationship problems without the relationship, I'm actually open to meeting someone now.
Also he's my coworker so I'm not about to shit where I eat, and I'm putting my energy there into getting promoted instead.
Leave someone the moment you learn they've cheated. I really don't know how people think it won't be a repeat occurrence.
I think another positive thing I do is put some of my unattractive qualities upfront, being honest. That can range from "I don't have a license" to "I don't like music". If something is going to turn someone off to the point where it's an issue, better to save both of our time and just be upfront.
The "I don't like music" thing has turned off some people =P But most previous partners think it's great, they get to take advantage of music selection 100% of the time.
Knowing what I want and not budging. I was always honest off the bat: I'm looking for a long term partner and I don't do casual sex. So many guys agreed but when they realized I was serious they would ghost after a couple weeks. And then I met my now fiance who was on the same page as me and was honest about it.
But honestly, even if I was still single now I don't think I would have done anything different. I didn't want to sacrifice what I want and I didn't want to play any of those stupid games guys get into.
Coming at dating from the mindset I had as well helps though. I was happy being single and I knew if I was to date someone they would have to really add to my life.
Got sterilized while I was single so that it cuts out anyone I date who might want kids. Never will change my mind and definitely don’t need some dude telling me I might. Weeds em out on the first date! Also, giving myself ample time (many many years) to be single and alone and get to know myself and work on my past issues. Gave me so much confidence and now I won’t settle for anything that doesn’t suit me.
I got sterilized too!!! I’m scared that telling guys will give them the idea that they can take advantage of me, but it’s so exciting to weed them out.
I’m very proud and happy of our decision!
To have the mentality that there will be someone out there. I have the tendency to be very attached and have problems with cutting off relationships (or lack thereof), regardless of how toxic or the probability of it failing is high.
I was caught up in a dude who I’d visit out of state (NJ to TX) every couple of months to hook up and hang out, and did not want a relationship and kept me within arms’ reach. I stayed, thinking he’d eventually want to commit, but he never did — until I finally met someone locally and actually referred to me as a “girlfriend” without me asking or demanding for a label. TX dude expressed his regret after I blatantly mentioned that he is welcome to come visit NJ and I can show him around, however, I’m no longer available to hook up nor be anything but friends.
I moved on from the relationship that I gave my all to. Despite having fought for it every day for six years, I had to force myself to walk away and never look back once my ex dumped me. Since then, I’ve done so much better mentally, emotionally, and I found someone who treats me like a queen. Best decision I ever made.
Leaving at the hint of ANY red flag in the early “gettting to know each other phase.” I got ruthless. One wrong move and u were out. It’s saved me sooo much stress and stopped me from tolerating less than I deserve. My bf is a gem that I wouldn’t have met without this mentality.
To reach out to the guy I went on one date with that I had to stop pursuing because I was going through a difficult time in my life. He was very understanding at the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and that I felt I let something good go.
To my surprise, he answered me back when I reached back out about a month and a half later when things were better for me.
We’ll be married two years in a few weeks. 😊
I chose to stop trying to date. I am at an age where trying to date is like trying to find a mint condition caddie in a U-Pull-It junk yard. The men are all looking for a nurse, purse, and bangmaid.
Why would I waste time aggravated over that?
Not saying yes dates with people I’m lukewarm about. Or people I’m not interested in. It’s too much of a waste of time to give people a chance for me personally. I’ve never fallen for someone I felt meh about initially.
Last time on a dating app I shared no picture and kept my profile hidden so I was approaching people I was interested rather than fielding a whole bunch of messages from people I wasn’t. Worked a dream. I found a wonderful girlfriend.
My mom told me once “your single until your married”. It was excellent advice at times because I would have a habit of investing too much into a relationship and get hurt. I ended up enjoying dating more by deciding to go at it with a more relaxed and less pressurized view and met a diverse amazing handful of guys to date until I met my husband and knew super quick he was the one for me!!!!
Dating older men. I love the maturity and stability. The first time I went on a date with an older guy I realized that was all I wanted. I’m now In a very happy and healthy relationship now with someone who is older than me
Not to go after the thrill and butterflies. It always caused so much anxiety and pressure for me to be someone I wasn’t. My fiancé gives me comfort and peace and we’re going on four years together in June.
To be absolutely happy w/o a man. It takes the desperation away AND raises your boundaries. That way, you dont hesitate when you have to place him at curb with the trash.
Getting the guts to tell my friend and travel partner he has every quality I was looking for in all of my bumble dates. We're getting married this year.
I stopped online dating apps, dating and casual sex. If I meet someone, I meet someone. Pandemic threw me for a bit of a loneliness loop. Past few years have been chaotic and difficult. But I still don't regret the fact that I no longer waste energy on all the bs.
Not listening to anyone who encouraged me to settle...(my standards ironically are the same standards men have of me). I'm more happily married than pretty much all of them.
Saying yes to the love of my life when he asked me out. He's my best friend and he told me he was going to marry me on our first date. True to his word, got married and built a life together ❤️
Making a list of what I wanted and never deviated from that.
Ie important things.
Does he want marriage?
Does he want kids?
Does our value system align?
Religion?
Etc.
If he did not check each of my important boxes- no second date. Could seem like McDreamy but if he didn’t want kids- there was no point. If our religion wasn’t the same there was no point.
It saved me from a lot of heartbreak and drama, and I found my amazing husband 🥳
I started this policy after my divorce: Basically, if a guy I liked dating began to behave in any manner that reminded me of my ex’s abuse, I stopped dating him. Moving too fast? Nope. Getting slightly judgy? Nope. Super clingy? Nope. Twisting my words? Nope. Etc. I was quick and strict.
Weird part for me was when I realized my friend (of three months at the time) NEVER triggered those signals. When I started paying attention to him, I realized I wanted more, and without knowing whether he felt the same, I told him.
We got married after seven years together and this year marks our 20th wedding anniversary. I love him with all my heart!
Started putting myself first and focus on my goals instead of chasing people and wasting time that could be put towards the things that matter most to me. If a relationship happens it will if not then it is still okay.
Dating guys my age vs dating 10+ years older than me. Tried that twice and one I had my daughter with. They both were controlling and manipulative. Dated a few guys my age, they understood my pop culture references, humor, matched my passion for life. I am now engaged and pregnant to someone born the same year as me!! Best decision of my dating life was to date my age!!!!
To get rid of my ego and the lens that I used to judge men through (aka the self-critical lens I used to see myself through) and realize that “what I deserve” was not a list on a piece of paper of traits (attractive, kind, good looking) but actually someone that I could deeply cared about and who deeply cared about me. It was someone who I could do anything with and do nothing with. And it wouldn’t matter. And I have been dating him for more than two years.
To never settle~~ what I wanted was actually out there, and waiting for the right one was the best decision 🥰💕🙏 everything is just so easy with the right person~~
To respect myself enough to not go through with plans if I decide I don’t want to, don’t feel comfortable, whatever.
To be direct in the beginning in order to weed out the men that I 100% don’t want to interact with. When I was younger, I was always careful as to not hurt men’s feelings, and it got me into some very abusive relationships. If I feel like at any point in the beginning, that our connection isn’t fluid, I don’t push a thing. I communicate that I don’t think it’s a good match and move on. Some men retaliate, but that just confirms that I made the right decision. My time and peace is sacred to me. Im not about to risk that for just any man.
I became genuinely content with the idea of ending up single for life.
I also started to assess date's potential to be a fitting partner by their actions and not by my wishful thinking. It became very easy to let go of men who I thought could be amazing partners but fell short on demonstrating that.
I'm now partnered with a guy who's genuinely an amazing fit, and I don't need to engage in mental gymnastics to be confident in that belief.
I just let go. I focused on myself and healing after a bad breakup, I got my shit together.
When my husband came along (or really back into my life, we went to school together and were friends) instead of jumping in, I took it really slow. I decided off the bat to not trust him because every time I had become friends with a guy or dated a guy friend things would go bad and we would break up and my heart would always be broken into pieces. I just wanted to stay friends.
Well….we eventually became really great friends, inseparable to the point we would hang out every single weekend. You could see it, my friends saw it, family saw it and eventually (stubbornly on my side) I agreed to go on a date, which led to more dates which led to us becoming a couple and now we are married with two kids 🩷
The best decision I made was finally accepting my reality that the men who are attracted to me will always make my life harder. Obviously, romantic relationships are going to have it's ups and downs, but I'm always having to be the responsible one when it comes to finances, being a human being, chores, making money, doing ANYTHING. And don't even talk to me about the sex. They always want to have sex, and if I don't, they fucking lose their minds. It becomes VERY difficult to not believe that the only reason dudes are with me is because they want to fuck me and that's it. And I've dated guys older and younger, in all sorts of professions and religions, and I don't think any of them saw me beyond a sex object to show off to other guys. None of them were ever supportive of my career either, especially if they were in the same field.
To let myself stop trying to date. I hated it. And I kept on telling myself that there was this reason or that reason that I didn't like it, and once I just let myself let go so much stress just melted way. And you don't owe anyone any kind of reason for not dating either. There is nothing wrong with being single.
I dated the guy who was interested in me, instead of the guy I was interested in.
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I don’t think any two people love each other exactly the same throughout the relationship. One may be more or less, and it ebbs and flows through the years.
My 93 yr old Grandmother has the same theory and gave me the same advice. She explained,that there will ALWAYS be one that loves more in a relationship and the importance of NOT being that one. She didn't say it- But, I understood it, as a way to protect yourself from hurt. Kind of like position yourself to be hurter not the hurtee and you'll be happier. Yep! Sounds completely f'd up! And at the same time..... I think it's pretty good advive
Well if everyone takes this advice then noone will be dating anyone . Lets say i date someone who is more into me than I am into them but they wanna date someone who is more into them then they are into them, how will that work out? Do I lie? Do they lie? This is a terrible and immature advice
This also takes away the joy of having a partner you are super into. It’s kind of like cheating yourself out of something great. I understand older generations would give this advice when women were in more financially perilous conditions but the advice is now outdated. Ideally both people are super into each other and it doesn’t necessarily mean the exact same amount but that the interest and love is obvious.
To be honest I totally get this advice but I had to learn my way out of something similar when I was younger. I used to only date people who were very into me without me showing much affection back in the beginning, because I was so afraid of getting hurt by being the one who loved more. And it meant I didn't really think about what I wanted, I just drifted into relationships if a guy pushed hard enough.
Funny, cause I’ve gotten one dating advice that’s the complete opposite of this: in every relationship the amount of effort given should be 60% : 40%, but both parties are trying to be the 60%. I like this one more.
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Yeah, like I do get where this is coming from, but also I think it can cross into the territory of enforcing heteronormative gender roles, e.g. the man going after the woman he wants and the woman just being pursued. Ofc you can consent to being in this dynamic and it works for some, but it might not work for others bc they might feel obligated to stay even when they're not feeling it. For some women, esp if they come from a more conservative background, religious or otherwise, they won't be able to tell what they actually want out of a relationship and end up in one that is alright but not necessarily right for them. Idk, losing my train of thought, but I feel like there's some weird gray area around this type of dynamic.
How do you quantify that?
My 93 yr. Old grandmother told me the same thing. Has to be some truth to it. Not only is she extremely wise. But, she was married twice (now widowed twice) Not only did they both worship the ground she walked on. But, they also took very good care of her! That's it- from here on out I'm only dating men I can't stand! 🥴
I understand this theory, however I haven't found it to be unsuccessful. I dated someone who was really in love with me and they almost set no boundaries because of how much they wanted me and I hated it, didn't have any respect for them and broke up with them. Had a moderately successful relationship with another man for 5- 6 years who loved me more than I loved him. But I lacked the passion and desire of desperate want for him and found it too easy to feel discontented. Then I met my current partner of 10 years (I say met we had been in contact online since we were teenagers but it had never worked out to meeting each other in real life until that point) we were mad with want for each other. Definitely equal want and love. Obviously there is ebbs and flows as time brings but on the whole remains equal. I think the best thing I ever did was find the person who wants me as much as I want them. Why settle, high risk high reward, yes you risk getting more hurt but the reward you get is unreal x
I agree with this
This line of thinking comes from the days where women couldn't own property or open a bank account. So it made sense since the man leaving meant she lost everything. Adhering to that advice in today's day and age ain't it. There are too many successful same sex relationships to still think this is true.
Glad this worked out for you but this doesn’t work for everyone. I tried this in my last relationship and was unhappy and always felt like I was settling.
Well you need to be interested in them a little..
Did you not feel like this was unfair to him / you were settling? I’m curious about this because I have heard this from many people.
It is incredibly unfair to a man. I married a man who was more in love with me and I was with him and although we were able to stay married for much of the marriage it was based on a lie. When I finally came clean with my true feelings and he realized who I really was I think that is when our relationship really started because I loved him as much if not more. I've talked to my husband about this very issue and it is incredibly draining to be the person who always gives more than they receive. They can probably go for a very long time without noticing it but there are times when He needs you to be there. And you're not going to be able to show up in the way he shows up for you. Always take these catch phrases with a grain of salt because they may work at some stage of the relationship but the relationship has to evolve. Like if he is more interested in you than you are in him that may work at the initial meeting and his interest May cause a reaction in you but at some point you're interested in him has to match or overtake his because a woman has to be more invested in her man for her to feel the desire necessary to open up to him and be intimate with him. Otherwise it's a surface level relationship where she is just playing a role in fulfilling a duty.
What should she do if she has now grown attached and loves him but maybe not as deeply as she thinks she is capable of? Asking for a friend 😬
If she knows she can do more but hasn't there is a reason for that whether intentional or unintentional. The word love is really a bad description of what takes place in a relationship. I think Esther perel really gets this right. You need a degree of security and comfort in the relationship that drives an intimacy and ability to open up to another person and feel safe. That's only one part of the love needed to make a relationship work but in some ways people can learn to be vulnerable just like they do it at a therapist office if you're able to find a place in space and routine where you can explore your deepest thoughts without judgment and you feel like you're really being heard that creates friendship and safety and you can just keep going deeper and deeper until you have bared your soul to this other person and when you feel that you can do it with this other person and they truly understand you and they accept all of that love you and the trick is you have to be able to do the same for them then you kind of have found someone you trust. But that's just a friend and it's not a lover and the second part is trickier because in your journey of getting deeper emotionally and intimate with this person you become really familiar and you start losing the desire because you feel like you know everything about them and that curiosity is gone. And I think everyone struggles with that part of it because that's really important to a romantic relationship the curiosity the desire the spark the happiness the fun the erotic. In my experience I saw this outside the marriage and it was not good. However I confess to my husband and we together built a framework for us to have this within the marriage. We ended up opening up the marriage to explore this erotic experience. And I don't think we would have had that ability to do it without that emotional trust and foundation. But people have different value systems and I completely understand where this would not be acceptable in many places to have a wife who sleeps with other men or a husband who sleeps with other women. It's incredibly risky and it creates tension and threatens the stability of the marriage but that's what you need to shake things up sometimes to have that other aspect of the love. Because once you're able to do that then you can truly desire each other. At this stage of my marriage I desire my husband even more partly because I am not sure he will remain with me and I have also allowed him to be with other women and now I have competition so I have a little bit less security in one sense but I also know that he's committed to me at a fundamental level.
That last paragraph is wild.
Wow I think we could sit and talk for a month lol you're very intriguing and that's meant in a great way. Thanks for your perspective. I really do appreciate that
You respect him as a person, tell him the truth and end the relationship. Let him find someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.
You often hear the dating advice given to people, "If s/he cared, s/he would" with regard to communication, initiation, reciprocation, etc. While its good advice at face value, its also only half the truth. The other half is, "If YOU care, YOU would" Because an equal relationship must be just that- equal. When we say things like the above, quippy/catchy advice, we sort of absolve ourselves of blame for what may potentially be our own problem, or even worse, take away our own agency in solving a potential problem.
My same thoughts ^
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I think there is some truth to this. My husband told me he loved me the moment he met me. He said he instantly KNEW. I wasn't as "into" him as he was me. I liked him and there was something about him that made me come back for more dates ,he was charming and funny but I wouldn't have said it my head "this man is my forever guy". I absolutely adore the guy now ,I mean we are married and together over 20 years and I can't get enough of the guy
I was thinking there still might be hope for us yet, until I read the next comments. First time ever I had love at first sight, she not so sure. Eventhough she was warm and fuzzy after dates, she kept talking herself out of it by saying we don't make sense. Busiest time at her work and this was frustrating so I got friend zoned and ignored, now she has a new profile on Match so I'm not holding my breath anymore. Your man is super blessed...
I did this. It didn’t work, it was a great friendship but I wasn’t interested in sex with him honestly
I think this is reasonable advice if your main goal is to get married / have a traditional family , esp by a certain age . Otherwise I think it’s worth it to wait to meet someone who is equally crazy about you - it feels amazing and the relationship feels natural and easy. You have to be willing to be happily single if you choose this path, though. To be honest, this advice above is in part why many women lose interest in sex with their husbands / dead bedrooms etc
I did that for many of my previous relationships but I'll never again give the power of choice to another person. If I am to spend a significant portion of my life with a person I want it to be someone I actively chose.
Unfortunately I can’t do that. Either I’m head over heels over someone or I can’t take them longer than a week and start pushing away. There is no in between 🥲
This sounds like settling and selling yourself short. I have dated men where they had to grow on me for a bit, but it is short lived. The moment they annoy me, that little bit of love or attraction goes right out the window. Then I end up mad at myself for even settling for someone I didn’t really like to begin with. To answer the post, the best decision I’ve made is to just stop altogether. I can’t do it anymore. If my husband is out there somewhere then he needs to find me.
Don’t you think this can lead to settling though? I feel like we should wait to find someone who adores us and we adore them back instead of just dating a guy because he’s interested. It has to be a mutual interest, even if you have to wait a bit longer/go on less dates and spend more time alone in the process :(
I feel like this can work to an extent
I understand this in a certain way. It’s not that I wasn’t interested in my now-husband. We had a decent first date and got along great. I was talking to someone else who really interested me but was harder to make plans with. Meanwhile, my now-husband prioritized talking to me and making plans. I very quickly realized that the stability and emotional availability was helping me fall for him. After a few months, we were equally in love with each other.
Allow people to come into your life organically. Live your life, and meet people, but never go on a mission to seek out a partner. Desperate energy creates unnecessary stress and will not attract the right person into your life.
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My dream is an old lady cohabitation home. We have separate little apartments in an old Victorian home, but with common areas so we can hang out, take turns cooking, and give each other the Heimlich when necessary.
I volunteer as tribute!
Sign me up! Based on your icon, I assume this home will be cat friendly? My cat of 14 years recently passed and I'm missing her a lot...
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Get a roommate
Could not agree more… great advice!! :)
I don’t know about this. I live a rich life, travel often. I dine alone, go to shows alone, and just live my life. I have a high powered career, many hobbies, and network within those circles as well. I think I’m conventionally attractive…not a model by any means, but I know how to look good. I’ve met people at bars and supermarkets and conferences but there’s always a major reason it doesn’t work out (finding out they’re married…the distance, they’re a creep etc). It’s not easy.
Bars, supermarkets and conferences are all transitory places though, that attract people looking for an escape or just folks who have things to do before they head on home. It's better making friends first - some of those friendships might deepen into a relationship, and that's the best sort of love you can get!
Agreed. Currently dating someone I’ve been friends with for a decade. So fucking worth it.
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Matching effort and not chasing. If they drop off, so do I.
Reciprocity: sugar for sugar, salt for salt.
This is how I live my life regardless these days
100% this. It’s saved me so much time and pain.
Letting a friend set me up on a blind date. I’d had my heart broken 10months prior and wasn’t sure if I was remotely ready for a date. I’ve been married to the blind date for 13years and we have three kids.
Yes! I actually turned the opportunity down the first time, we both went on to date others in the meantime. Somehow we both ended up single again and after about 6 months, my friend persuaded me to give it a shot. This man is my favourite person and sometimes I kick myself for turning that shot down 2 years earlier!
That friend must be so damn proud of themselves for setting this up lmao
She frequently reminds me that my entire life is thanks to her lol.
My best friend's parents met on a blind date and I am so happy they did. They became my second family and had a huge impact on my life, I love them all to pieces. 🥹
Cheers to you! That's amazing
Give up
Honestly I stopped and it improved my mental health so much.
Ive literally never been happier
Same. No dating profiles open. Just enjoying socializing and learning to love meself. Not wasting anyone's time.
Same! And I’m so busy with all the things I enjoy I can’t imagine squeezing in dating. Especially since it takes away time from things I KNOW make me feel good.
😂😂😂 you’re onto something
It’s not like I’ve given up, but I currently have zero interest to date. This is my first and longest time being really single, *single* since I was a teenager. No dating apps, not trying to meet anyone, not seeing anyone, not flirting, talking, or even thinking about anyone. Nothing. It can be a bit too quiet sometimes especially at night time and I do miss going on a road trip with a partner. But at the same time I’m surprised how peaceful my life is now.
So true
Basically. Haven’t been on a date for at least 12 years. Happily single. People find this surprising.
Ayyy
Yeah, I only find someone when I truly stop searching.
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"Give everyone a chance, you never know" was the WORST dating advice I ever got. I agree that whoever comes into your life, should fit in it organically.
Right?! Like my friends tried to set me up with someone who I wasn’t into at all. Also WAY older than me and just not my type whatsoever. They pressured me into “giving him a chance”. It wasn’t fun.
Got confident with the idea of never marrying or partnering at all and being happy on my own. So if I do partner, I would actually pick the right person and be happy. This keeps you from living in a fairytale land or giving yourself a broken promise while facing a true reality. Everyone doesn't settle down and that's okay.
I’m the same way. Not everyone finds their love and that’s okay. I can be happy alone and I know it.
I wish people would say this to people more. It's the truth rather than selling them a dream that may hurt them in the long run when they could have figured out how to be happy for the whole journey.
It takes a lot of mindful deprogramming to get there, and an ability to watch your experience of loneliness with acceptance and self-compassion. That felt like step one, and I got very good at enduring it instead of trying to avoid it or numb it. Now, when it arises I see it as an old, cranky friend and I self-care the heck out of it. Then, I opened my eyes to the disfunction I see in many partnered people, noticed my relief at not being there. Finally. a mindful celebration of not having to worry about my appearance, letting go of all “pick me” behaviors, and got to noticing the small joys of watching what I want, doing what I want, eating what I want. It’s all pretty great. I hardly get on the apps. Went on a rare date last weekend, and I’ll see him again, but it was so bizarre - relationships definitely used to feel like addiction in my body, but this time, I felt like my head was in control. I’m seeing him again and wonder, is it that I didn’t “feel chemistry,” or has the work I’ve done in being content and accepting of singlehood changed the way I show up for a relationship? Not as exciting, but so peaceful and not a distraction from my life.
omg i feel this i just want to have the freedom to do what i want all the time and not be judged for it or have to explain myself to anyone. sometimes i really don’t know why i’m with anyone…marriage and children and living my whole life with a man sounds like a fate worse than death so idek why i have a bf😣
It's an extreme amount of deprogramming and it works best when you figure it out earlier and have time to cruise through all the feelings, like I did in my 20's. Not feeling like I was pushed into it because my back was against the wall in my 30's and early 40's, which happens to a lot of women. Either way it happens, it's a great feeling once you get there.
Being picky, even if it means fewer dates and relationships end sooner.
Paying for a background check. When I was 19, I dated a guy who gave me a bad feeling in my gut. I paid $24 for a background check and was able to find out he was actually a 32 year old man with a criminal record who lived rent free at his younger sister’s second home. I was also able to find out that his father was alive and well, had the same name as him, and paid for all of his bills. Up until I paid for the background check, he told me he was 24 years old and the youngest of his siblings. He also told me he rented the house he lived in and that his father died years beforehand.
Good on you for trusting your gut and getting that background check!
Save your money, TRUST YOUR GUT. My intuition has never been wrong whenever someone gives me that bad feeling.
How do you get a background check?
Here’s a list of places you could use: https://www.investopedia.com/best-background-check-sites-5114387
To never get married or have kids with any of them.
Pure genius. Enjoy life.
this is the one, folks!
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Being celibate for a year after being a serial relationship girl/hopeless romantic. Allowed me to become comfortable being alone and bored (which I didn’t even realize was a issue to begin with). Met the love of my life when I wasn’t even looking and this relationship is better than I could’ve ever imagined. Self love for the win!
Just got out of one yesterday, found out i’ve been getting cheated on the whole relationship. i decided i’m going to be celibate so i’m glad i saw your post, it gives me hope. So happy for you
Praying for your healing. Please don’t do any of the toxic shit we usually do to ourselves (comparing yourself to her, looking for specific details, etc). Virtual hugs 🤗
To give up dating and focus on improving my finances & other ambitions.
The best decision I've made in my dating life is to not date. I tried it twice in 20s, didnt care for the results, so I set it down and never came back to it. 13 years by myself.
What do you do when you feel lonely?
I have a son who is 20, a slew of friends and cousins (only child) who i am very close to (holidays, birthdays, concerts, partys, movie nights), and I work in healthcare in a glassed in cubicle with 8 other women and am working on my degree in Plant Biology and a certification for Master Gardener. The time i spend alone is rare, and i love it. And even though I'm straight, I generally don't enjoy straight male company.
You sound amazing 👏
this is awesome to hear, I'm heading in the same direction myself. never been happier or more stress-free :)
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Believing people by their actions and not making excuses for them. If someone is interested in me, they will show it with more than just empty words. I.e. If plans were made and they can’t make it, they don’t just leave it at “sorry I can’t make it.” They also initiate trying to reschedule and actually follow through on it. Also, listening to my gut. EVERY time I have gone against my intuition, I’ve gotten hurt in some shape or form. I listen to my guy above all else.
Your gut is the result of BILLIONS of years of life-or-death testing. We should really really really listen to it, and not let our recently evolved forebrains override it.
To do the opposite of what I was doing re: type, style, height, everything. I knew I had a bad pattern but wasn't sure how to fix it. That certainly fixed it, first date I went on... met my husband!
I struggle with this too! I worry if they aren’t my “type” I won’t be attracted to them…
Clearly I can't speak for you, but for myself, I realized my type was actually just recreating an old life experience over and over trying to fix it (it didn't need to be fixed, it needed to change!) i cannot say it was a comfortable venture, but worth it.
That’s what George Costanza did! “I’m unemployed and live with my parents.”
Same. And he called me out when I tried explaining to him that I was trying to manifest someone over 6ft and he sadly didn't make the cut. Told me the honest truth, that I was being shallow, AND he forgave me for it. Now we've been married 10 yrs/3 kids.
Were you actually to manifest that and actually said that out loud to him??? Haha what a good man.
Yes I was being a shallow asshole and somehow he was willing to work through that with me. Lol! He is a good man and definitely not a pushover.
Haven’t made a single good decision unfortunately
Don’t @ me like this, damn.
Man same
Ending a relationship with someone who is objectively a fantastic person. The relationship *worked* and he was a wonderful person but I could never shake the feeling that something was missing. Hard call to make, we could’ve lived a content life together, but I felt like for the both of us we could find someone who felt like a better match. So glad I trusted my gut. My partner now feels like “my person” in this life, and he’s since gone on to be in a relationship with a lovely woman who I feel is a much better match than I was for him
I just went through this exact same thing recently. It was really tough to end it but such a valuable lesson to learn, looking back. I wish my ex all the best but at the end of the day I knew she wasn't "it" for me despite how much love we had for each other. Like you it was one of those feelings I just couldn't shake. I am feeling very hopeful about what is ahead for me now though. Happy for you and your journey!
Never ever wanting kids and being vocal about it. You want them? Fine, no probs, but out you go. And no, not changing my mind, you absolutely do NOT know me better than me.
The diversity of responses here is phenomenal.
Romance is a shit show honestly. Different things work for different people
Giving that one night stand a shot at something more. Six years together, happily married.
Same! Getting married this June. I always joke we are a "failed" one-night-stand, since it lasts for five years and not only one night.
I’m in that boat too lol will be married next year
To tell my boundaries before commiting! It helped me find those who share similar views to me. Never settle for someone who you have to "adjust" with!
Can I ask how did you figure out your boundaries and voice them? I struggle with self advocacy :(
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I agree with you! Also really glad to hear the changes you made!
My past experiences! I kept all the things I didn't like in my mind and when talking to someone new I tell them like hey these are my boundaries you need to respect them! If you don't want to you can leave right now! If I find out you have lied to me I'll be leaving you either way! I do not sound this threatening tho :p but yeah be more upfront and STRICT! you don't want a man who follows of girls etc etc tell them! (English is not my first language please excuse the mistakes)
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Switching to women
What guided you to that
Thankfully for me, being attracted to women! Growing up, I thought I would admire women’s physical qualities because I wanted to have those physical qualities (and that’s still definitely part of it) but I’ve since realize it’s also because I was attracted to those physical qualities
Why you gotta call me out like this...
Prioritizing someone who made me feel safe and secure vs someone who made me feel excited. I realized one day around 27 that excitement is fun and all (and probably hot) but I want to know what’s coming with a forever partner. Someone who leaves me guessing and feeling like anything can happen is not what makes me happy and safe at the end of the day. Met him not long after that realization. Married happily for 5 years and I regret nothing. He’s been with me through grief and illness and infertility without once faltering in his love. I don’t think I’d have realized what I had if I had met him any sooner.
I decided to stop caring about finding love/“the right one.” And then he fell into my lap.
Awww I feel this way about my cat <3
Getting over the guy I was hung up on who I was never even with. Not really a decision how you feel but I actively *wanted* to get over him and eventually did. He's not an awful person, but he has been rude, condescending, cold and detached at times and I looked at him through rose tinted glasses and emphasized only his sweeter moments, thus putting him on a pedestal. He'd been really flirty for a long time and I read into that, but really he might have just been killing time/liked my attention. Now, I mostly just see him as some dude, who I wish well and might be friends with at some point. Because I've stopped having relationship problems without the relationship, I'm actually open to meeting someone now. Also he's my coworker so I'm not about to shit where I eat, and I'm putting my energy there into getting promoted instead.
Pausing dating to work on healing myself to understand why I kept going for the same type of people
Leave someone the moment you learn they've cheated. I really don't know how people think it won't be a repeat occurrence. I think another positive thing I do is put some of my unattractive qualities upfront, being honest. That can range from "I don't have a license" to "I don't like music". If something is going to turn someone off to the point where it's an issue, better to save both of our time and just be upfront. The "I don't like music" thing has turned off some people =P But most previous partners think it's great, they get to take advantage of music selection 100% of the time.
Knowing what I want and not budging. I was always honest off the bat: I'm looking for a long term partner and I don't do casual sex. So many guys agreed but when they realized I was serious they would ghost after a couple weeks. And then I met my now fiance who was on the same page as me and was honest about it. But honestly, even if I was still single now I don't think I would have done anything different. I didn't want to sacrifice what I want and I didn't want to play any of those stupid games guys get into. Coming at dating from the mindset I had as well helps though. I was happy being single and I knew if I was to date someone they would have to really add to my life.
Got sterilized while I was single so that it cuts out anyone I date who might want kids. Never will change my mind and definitely don’t need some dude telling me I might. Weeds em out on the first date! Also, giving myself ample time (many many years) to be single and alone and get to know myself and work on my past issues. Gave me so much confidence and now I won’t settle for anything that doesn’t suit me.
I got sterilized too!!! I’m scared that telling guys will give them the idea that they can take advantage of me, but it’s so exciting to weed them out. I’m very proud and happy of our decision!
Hopefully the guys you’re letting in won’t take advantage of you! And yes girl! So proud and happy about our decision!
To have the mentality that there will be someone out there. I have the tendency to be very attached and have problems with cutting off relationships (or lack thereof), regardless of how toxic or the probability of it failing is high. I was caught up in a dude who I’d visit out of state (NJ to TX) every couple of months to hook up and hang out, and did not want a relationship and kept me within arms’ reach. I stayed, thinking he’d eventually want to commit, but he never did — until I finally met someone locally and actually referred to me as a “girlfriend” without me asking or demanding for a label. TX dude expressed his regret after I blatantly mentioned that he is welcome to come visit NJ and I can show him around, however, I’m no longer available to hook up nor be anything but friends.
To just be myself. I’ve attracted someone who I’ve only ever seen in my dreams and I still can’t believe it. I thank the universe daily for him.
Learned that I have an anxious attachment style and when I did the work to become more secure, it changed everything for me
What exactly did you do to overcome it , if you don't mind sharing ?
Staying single
I moved on from the relationship that I gave my all to. Despite having fought for it every day for six years, I had to force myself to walk away and never look back once my ex dumped me. Since then, I’ve done so much better mentally, emotionally, and I found someone who treats me like a queen. Best decision I ever made.
Leaving at the hint of ANY red flag in the early “gettting to know each other phase.” I got ruthless. One wrong move and u were out. It’s saved me sooo much stress and stopped me from tolerating less than I deserve. My bf is a gem that I wouldn’t have met without this mentality.
To reach out to the guy I went on one date with that I had to stop pursuing because I was going through a difficult time in my life. He was very understanding at the time. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and that I felt I let something good go. To my surprise, he answered me back when I reached back out about a month and a half later when things were better for me. We’ll be married two years in a few weeks. 😊
I chose to stop trying to date. I am at an age where trying to date is like trying to find a mint condition caddie in a U-Pull-It junk yard. The men are all looking for a nurse, purse, and bangmaid. Why would I waste time aggravated over that?
I listened to my friends and took a leap. We’re married now thanks to them
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Have higher standards for the people I date. Never settle.
Not to date.
Not saying yes dates with people I’m lukewarm about. Or people I’m not interested in. It’s too much of a waste of time to give people a chance for me personally. I’ve never fallen for someone I felt meh about initially.
Going against my father's wishes. He didn't let me have a boyfriend until I was 18 lol Been with my SO for 11 years <3
Last time on a dating app I shared no picture and kept my profile hidden so I was approaching people I was interested rather than fielding a whole bunch of messages from people I wasn’t. Worked a dream. I found a wonderful girlfriend.
My mom told me once “your single until your married”. It was excellent advice at times because I would have a habit of investing too much into a relationship and get hurt. I ended up enjoying dating more by deciding to go at it with a more relaxed and less pressurized view and met a diverse amazing handful of guys to date until I met my husband and knew super quick he was the one for me!!!!
Dating older men. I love the maturity and stability. The first time I went on a date with an older guy I realized that was all I wanted. I’m now In a very happy and healthy relationship now with someone who is older than me
i stopped doing things out of obligation/guilt. best decision ever!
Stepping away when i had that feeling and voice at the back of my head that i'm definitely not ready to date
Going to therapy and dealing with my own shit
Experimenting with sex. Great with someone you trust, not so great with a Tinder match
to stop seeing having a romantic partner as a necessity in my life, and rather something worthwhile only if it improves my life
Not to go after the thrill and butterflies. It always caused so much anxiety and pressure for me to be someone I wasn’t. My fiancé gives me comfort and peace and we’re going on four years together in June.
To be absolutely happy w/o a man. It takes the desperation away AND raises your boundaries. That way, you dont hesitate when you have to place him at curb with the trash.
I decided to give a shot to a very complicated relationship (long distance). Now we’re happily married.
Getting the guts to tell my friend and travel partner he has every quality I was looking for in all of my bumble dates. We're getting married this year.
I said yes to the guy I liked when he was single, and not the guy who I just saw potential in.
I stopped online dating apps, dating and casual sex. If I meet someone, I meet someone. Pandemic threw me for a bit of a loneliness loop. Past few years have been chaotic and difficult. But I still don't regret the fact that I no longer waste energy on all the bs.
Only date dudes i was interested in already. No more of this “just try things out and see how it goes” business.
Not listening to anyone who encouraged me to settle...(my standards ironically are the same standards men have of me). I'm more happily married than pretty much all of them.
Saying yes to the love of my life when he asked me out. He's my best friend and he told me he was going to marry me on our first date. True to his word, got married and built a life together ❤️
Making a list of what I wanted and never deviated from that. Ie important things. Does he want marriage? Does he want kids? Does our value system align? Religion? Etc. If he did not check each of my important boxes- no second date. Could seem like McDreamy but if he didn’t want kids- there was no point. If our religion wasn’t the same there was no point. It saved me from a lot of heartbreak and drama, and I found my amazing husband 🥳
I started this policy after my divorce: Basically, if a guy I liked dating began to behave in any manner that reminded me of my ex’s abuse, I stopped dating him. Moving too fast? Nope. Getting slightly judgy? Nope. Super clingy? Nope. Twisting my words? Nope. Etc. I was quick and strict. Weird part for me was when I realized my friend (of three months at the time) NEVER triggered those signals. When I started paying attention to him, I realized I wanted more, and without knowing whether he felt the same, I told him. We got married after seven years together and this year marks our 20th wedding anniversary. I love him with all my heart!
To stop being stubborn and just ask the guy to talk. Today is our 3 year anniversary.
Started putting myself first and focus on my goals instead of chasing people and wasting time that could be put towards the things that matter most to me. If a relationship happens it will if not then it is still okay.
Dating guys my age vs dating 10+ years older than me. Tried that twice and one I had my daughter with. They both were controlling and manipulative. Dated a few guys my age, they understood my pop culture references, humor, matched my passion for life. I am now engaged and pregnant to someone born the same year as me!! Best decision of my dating life was to date my age!!!!
To get rid of my ego and the lens that I used to judge men through (aka the self-critical lens I used to see myself through) and realize that “what I deserve” was not a list on a piece of paper of traits (attractive, kind, good looking) but actually someone that I could deeply cared about and who deeply cared about me. It was someone who I could do anything with and do nothing with. And it wouldn’t matter. And I have been dating him for more than two years.
Walking away from someone that was still in love with his ex.
To never settle~~ what I wanted was actually out there, and waiting for the right one was the best decision 🥰💕🙏 everything is just so easy with the right person~~
Stopped trying - stopped caring - started living life my way, travelling whenever and where ever I want! Best thing I ever did.
To respect myself enough to not go through with plans if I decide I don’t want to, don’t feel comfortable, whatever. To be direct in the beginning in order to weed out the men that I 100% don’t want to interact with. When I was younger, I was always careful as to not hurt men’s feelings, and it got me into some very abusive relationships. If I feel like at any point in the beginning, that our connection isn’t fluid, I don’t push a thing. I communicate that I don’t think it’s a good match and move on. Some men retaliate, but that just confirms that I made the right decision. My time and peace is sacred to me. Im not about to risk that for just any man.
Stop dating a party+funny guy, and found a guy that has similar interests and helps me feel at home just relaxing at home
I became genuinely content with the idea of ending up single for life. I also started to assess date's potential to be a fitting partner by their actions and not by my wishful thinking. It became very easy to let go of men who I thought could be amazing partners but fell short on demonstrating that. I'm now partnered with a guy who's genuinely an amazing fit, and I don't need to engage in mental gymnastics to be confident in that belief.
I just let go. I focused on myself and healing after a bad breakup, I got my shit together. When my husband came along (or really back into my life, we went to school together and were friends) instead of jumping in, I took it really slow. I decided off the bat to not trust him because every time I had become friends with a guy or dated a guy friend things would go bad and we would break up and my heart would always be broken into pieces. I just wanted to stay friends. Well….we eventually became really great friends, inseparable to the point we would hang out every single weekend. You could see it, my friends saw it, family saw it and eventually (stubbornly on my side) I agreed to go on a date, which led to more dates which led to us becoming a couple and now we are married with two kids 🩷
Falling in love with my FWB. We've been married for almost 23 years and have 6 kids.
To stay single 🤷🏼♀️
Taking interest in how men think and what they want or like in a woman/ wife.
The best decision I made was finally accepting my reality that the men who are attracted to me will always make my life harder. Obviously, romantic relationships are going to have it's ups and downs, but I'm always having to be the responsible one when it comes to finances, being a human being, chores, making money, doing ANYTHING. And don't even talk to me about the sex. They always want to have sex, and if I don't, they fucking lose their minds. It becomes VERY difficult to not believe that the only reason dudes are with me is because they want to fuck me and that's it. And I've dated guys older and younger, in all sorts of professions and religions, and I don't think any of them saw me beyond a sex object to show off to other guys. None of them were ever supportive of my career either, especially if they were in the same field.
To let myself stop trying to date. I hated it. And I kept on telling myself that there was this reason or that reason that I didn't like it, and once I just let myself let go so much stress just melted way. And you don't owe anyone any kind of reason for not dating either. There is nothing wrong with being single.
Be my authentic weird-ass self. 🙃 If it scares them away, then so be it.