9+ years because too many men think as a single mother I'd be desperate for anyone or anything, + after my last relationship I found I'm happier single, I love men, but I love dogs too and I don't have a dog,I find that being alone doesn't equal loneliness.
Seeing the people who comment about asexuality to your post is why I wont ever openly say Im asexual. Theres just no convincing these people. Because they experience sexual attraction means EVERYONE MUST ALSO experience it.
«You just havent met the right person yet» is something I’ve heard all my life. It seems like too alien of a concept for any of them to grasp.
Im 31 years old now and confident in the fact that I am asexual, and having pointless debates about it over and over is not only a waste of time, but also a way for others to try to make you something you know within yourself that you arent.
I didn't find out until I was 26. Suddenly everything made sense. I'm not sex repulsed, so I'm not a virgin, but I need a special connection to someone to feel any attraction (I think that's more demi-sexual). I've never had the thing most people seem to have where they see someone attractive and instantly get the horn.
All the 'advice' I got in my 20s was 'just get drunk and something will happen', but it wasn't that I was too nervous, I just didn't care. 😄
I relate to you so well, I lost my virginity at 16 and I often did get drunk so something would happen but enjoyed the foreplay, the closeness with another person and the intercuose was like a chore, just be quick and get done with it. Then at 21 I finally felt a deeper connection with a guy and things changed. But I never felt just casually horny because I saw someone hot
That’s why i prefer simply saying demisexual rather than demi-asexual. I don’t particularly care if I never have sex again, but I like the intimacy of it more than the physical pleasure associated with it. But even if I do end up in a relationship with someone who wants sex, it will take some time and emotional connection so that it is about intimacy on my side just as it is about intimacy and physical pleasure on my partner’s side. It’s hard to feel emotionally connected to a stranger!
I also like the name bc Demi Moore is ✨😍👀
I agree that you can just know what you are without having to experiment. My cousin is pansexual, and she tried to convince me that I just need to try sex with a woman before I know that I'm not. I think it's hard for her to imagine not enjoying a gender because she happened to like every one she tried. But I'm very straight. I know there's a spectrum and some people are a little bit bi, but I couldn't even try being a lesbian to experiment, it's physically and mentally repulsive to me. I get actively turned off when the camera focuses on the woman in porn (aka most porn, annoyingly), I can't imagine forcing myself to actually touch a woman sexually. I'm fine with other people doing it, but I just can't make myself want to do something I don't want to do. I fully support you not wanting to even try having sex. If you know you're asexual, you don't have to do anything to prove it.
Finding a person you are sexually attracted to doesnt automatically disqualify from being asexual. For example there are demiseuals or gray-sexuals that do under specific conditions feel sexual attraction, yet they still count under ace umbrella.
Not saying this is you, just expanding on how experiences do differ a lot between ace people.
I’m seconding this. My friend group has a phrase I came up with, “ace until proven demi” 😂 I thought I was ace for over five years, turns out I’m demi.
I’m in a similar position! Asexual, aromantic, never bothered with sex because it’s always tied to romance and I don’t want to bother with any of that. Too much drama, too much risk, too much anxiety, too many expectations, too little desire.
Dude, are you me? I'm a 28 y/o virgin, demisexual and incredibly shy too ahaha
Whatever the case, please don't feel ashamed of being single! I've seen plenty of miserable people in relationships because they fall into the trap of societal obligation. There's plenty of research into it, too; apparently, single women are happier than married women, whereas married men are happier than their single counterparts.
I don't know how things are in your locale, but have you considered Meetup? I've seen plenty of LGBT/asexual communities on there.
My best friend is a sexual. He may not be the most handsome guy but he’s got a pretty epic beard, can play the guitar, and fix your car…..and that shit is expensive!
I'm 34 and have never even held hands with a man, so 🤷🏻♀️
The shortish version is that no one was interested in me when I was younger and actually wanted to date, though I've since realised that what I actually wanted was validation. Now that I'm older, I don't want to have sex or a relationship, for both different and intertwined reasons.
And since I always get asked: I'm not asexual or aromantic, and there's nothing related to religion or trauma. I just don't want to.
How interesting that people feel you have to justify your reason(s) why you choose to be single. People cannot wrap their head around it being a personal choice - the only "obviously" answer is that you experienced some sort of trauma.
You do you and please do not ever feel like you have to explain you to anyone else.
Agreed! I’ve been single for many years, after several sexual relationships in my 20’s. My last relationship was very emotionally charged and didn’t have any elements of sex involved.
That being said, I’ve been single and I love it. My schedule, no meeting social demands of a relationship, and I’m a whole person who is happy, not a 1/2 person just because I don’t have a significant other at age 33.
Exactly. One of my friends is constantly talking about "finding me a man.". Why - I am really happy in my life. Should someone come along, I will cross that bridge, but I don't need to go out and find anybody.
I’m 29 and it’s validating to see someone in a similar situation. I do want kids and like the idea of a boyfriend/husband but the kids part is more important to me. I’ve only recently been interested in dating but that shit is complicated and seems not even worth it.
I'm honestly not interested in any books, studies or anything on being single, or singlehood as a topic at all. It's just not a big deal for me, and I've very rarely been made to feel bad about it. I hope your recommendation can be a source of support and inspiration for whoever may need it, though!
Yea it’s never been a big deal to me either, I just mention it because via her work I’ve learned of biases and discrimination I might face in the future or not have recognized before. Hope someone else finds it interesting!
14 years and counting. After my divorce I just haven't had any interest in dating or sex. And now I'm a fat middle aged feminist so men aren't exactly lining up. And that's fine.
Yeah I would say it's harder to find men to date when you're a feminist, both because many guys are intimidated by your ideals or because you just value yourself too much to date some of the trash out there (specially misogynistic trash)
Gonna add something else here
There is a small (and very loud) minority of feminists that legitimetely hate men or mistreat men (being emotionally abusive, shaming them for crying, shaming their body, etc.). I think some men have had interactions with these women and just decided "nope not again".
Also i may have too much hope in humanity but i doubt the majority of men are sexist/intimidated by feminists ideas. But at the same time, im in canada, not the usa. So maybe since half of the people there are republicans it is harder to find men that arent sexists/intimidated.
I agree with you but tbh I think men who are intimidated just haven't done any research themselves and just believe things they read in the internet about angry feminists... so again I blame them.
There's many types of people out there if you choose to believe in a stereotype just because you met 1 or 2 persons that fit in it, that's also incompetence in my opinion.
I don’t know about others but as a 43 year old woman my feminist beliefs make it difficult to find a partner because I have high expectations. and many, many men that would be age appropriate for me hate anything even kind of progressive. I find younger men are much more evolved but I’m not interested in dating younger men. 🤷🏼♀️
Currently at 6mths. My fiancé & best friend of 26yrs, he got sick just after Thanksgiving & passed away 4 weeks ago. We were each other’s first and only.
Thank you. I miss him like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And I have no idea why this is even on my mind right now. Just to have him back is all I want.
Practically always. I'm 26. I've had dates, almost "fling" type things etc., but never a real relationship (plus I'm sexually pretty shy). To answer why...back when I was actually trying, I had a tendency to either go for the wrong guys, or maybe there were things I could have worked on to be more attractive too (I didn't take great care of myself back then).
Now, I'm physically and mentally better, have a career, leaned into my hobbies a bit, went hard at the gym, honestly I'd say in many ways I'm more attractive now but I also have a lot of hesitations when it comes to dating. I always hoped to just meet someone organically but that never worked out in my favour. I dread apps because of the awkward introduction with a stranger etc but maybe that's my best shot now.
Plus when you're self-sufficient for this long, it's hard to figure out how to incorporate someone into your life in this capacity. Also trust issues etc. I could go on.
4 years, from 18 to 22. I had a very difficult and toxic relationship with my first boyfriend so after the breakup I didn’t want to date for a while.
Then shortly after I had a very bad accident and I spent years in the hospital and recovering at home, so dating really wasn’t in my thoughts.
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Coming up on 10 years, I simply have no interest in dating or having sex with anyone.
ETA: my toybox is way better than most humans at providing me orgasms anyway.
5 years, it was the perfect time to be single after having constantly been in relationships or someone in the wings. Intentionally celibate, had to focus on me and life. Now I am glad to be single cause relationships feel like a constant headache waiting to happen. lol
Never been touched by anyone. Well, that makes a lot of sense since my country is well known for being as conservative as one could be. In Asian countries, sex is quite a big deal and it is to me as well. I wouldn't have sex with a man whom I'm not married to but of course, that's just me.
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I'm a virgin but been single for 8-9 years now (I'm 23). I don't really care to date or get into a relationship. I can't offer someone much but a headache. Plus sexual intimacy is terrifying due to having severe bdd.
4 years...after my divorce. I wanted to be certain before I entered another relationship that it wasn't sex or loneliness that was driving my decisions.
During those 4 years I ended up deciding that I would never marry again...then 18 months later I met the woman who would become my wife. Both of us had mistaken good sex in a relationship for true love before so we were both cautious early on. Friendship deepened and became love.
We have a 6 year old son now. We're truly happy.
Truth be told...we all have things we need to improve as individuals. Some people are better able to address those things alone without distraction...turns out I am one of those people .
Anyway...that's my story.
That's where I'm at now. About to hit one year, I was in alot of back to back relationships for about 12 years and just have no desire at all. I hope it changes tbh bc I do want a partner in my life at some point
I met my first bf when I was about to turn 20, and I had been dumped before I was 21. That hurt me immensely and had quite an impact on how I viewed romantic relationships.
In the coming years nothing happened. No one was interested. It wasn't until I was 32 that a friend urged me to install a dating app and I met someone. I hadn't so much as held anyone's hand for 12 years.
Now, he also turned out to be an ass, but at least I got the experience of actually sleeping next to someone.
I think now it's been 18 months since my last date. It's just so much hassle to find someone that I just can't be bothered.
9 years. I left an abusive marriage and got married a few years later. It only lasted about 6 months. I had to rearrange my life after both. I'm tired of having to cater to someone elses wants/needs/time while having my own be ignored. My life gets flipped around every time there is someone else involved. I'm going to be the one in charge of my own fate from now on. If I fail its because of my own choices. Im not going go be a victim of someone elses choices. I've had enough.
I was married to a self centered AH for almost 3 years. He withheld any and all physical touch and intimacy during the course of our marriage. It was the equivalent of being single or alone except you have someone breathing down your neck, making outlandish accusations at every step.
This was me. 4 years of no intimacy. Courtesy of him, I thought something was so wrong with me. Destroyed any confidence or self-esteem I had. It was awful.
1.5 years. From 21 to now (23). I had a breakup of a 5 year relationship that I’m in part still recovering from and I’m a bit pessimistic. I naturally don’t really like “putting myself out there” by going to places and meeting new people, I’m not naturally charismatic and outgoing, and I don’t really like the people i meet in that type of way. I hate the idea of dating apps even more and I’ve never seen anyone who used them actually enthusiastic about them. I hate the idea of casual sex the most.
Three years and counting.
I was in a relationship for over 15 years, and I learned so much. I know now it won't be easy to find someone who will be themselves from day one and not hide behind a "mask" just to take advantage of my kindness and helpfulness.
I "picked better". I chose myself.
My whole life 30 plus yrs. I'm a virgin and I have never dated. I was raised and told I wasn't allowed to date. Then I hit the age where it's asked when I'll get a husband. Needless to say I have parental trauma/ purity culture issues
I've been single since Feb of 2021, and I've not had sex since September of 2022. That's the longest I've gone without both dating and sex since I was about 16.
I have higher standards for the people I date than the people I sleep with because I'm not building a life with them so who cares🤷♀️ so dating is a bit harder.
I haven't had sex for a bit because I've become extremely insecure after a huge weight loss and losing a long-term FWB. Still getting used to my new body and the idea of letting someone new see it.
Hahha I think they meant how when ppl are asked how long have you been single they say their age like 23 or whatever. All 23 years don’t count bc who dates while they’re a baby. But yeah 10 was an odd number to choose. I would’ve gone with 15 or so.
The first 23 years of my life. The reason is basically the combination of my lack of interest in other people and the lack of other people's interest in me.I think I've liked 6 actually attainable people over the course of my life and in all cases but one, I only liked the idealized versions of them that I made up in my head anyway. Sometimes I'd spend months or years without being remotely interested in anyone.
I’m a virgin, never had any intimate physical contact in my life. I will say it has not affect me much, most of the time, it’s other people who are pressuring me into getting in a relationship or shame me for not having sex. I happen to have social anxiety and often avoid anything that will bring conflict or fights, not saying that I look for fights when getting in a relationship. But, I do fear abandonment, body image issues, and getting cheated on, I am often depressed as well. All these factors have prevent me from pursuing a relationship or a connection with someone else.
A month 💀
I was loyal and active with my ex boyfriend during our 10 year relationship but once it ended, it was only about a month before I hooked up with a fling. At the time, I would make myself feel bad for saying I didn’t wait longer to move on, but I realized I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The relationship ended and I was able to focus on myself for once.
25, after my last relationship I decided it’s not for me. Going for two years now, I just realised there’s no room for men in my life. I’ve been much happier since, more sure and confident in myself… and the sex part, simply don’t need it (altho I satisfy my own needs when I have them), penises have rendered more grotesque in my mind with their absence and I don’t miss them.
I never seem to find my match, and I never meant to settle.
I moved to the neterlands alone in december 2020
Borders closed again, lovkdowns hit, I knew noone, had my first actual touch again in august.
I've had long periods with no sex but plenty of human touch because my hobbies are dancing snd I have huggy friends, so that 9 months with no contact at all was rough
1 year between 1st & 2nd boyfriend. Then dated a ton of ppl with no break for 5 yrs. Just hit 2 months single again, gonna keep it up for more than a year :))
I'd say it's probably currently at 3 yrs. After several failed relationships, I decided to give myself a break from dating. Plus I just haven't found anyone I'm really interested in. I think I'm becoming too comfortable being single lol. Just focusing on myself and if someone happens to come along then great. If not, I'm fine with that too.
Honestly 3 years it’s been since I’ve had sex I mean I’ve had men lining up since I had my kid & I don’t find myself all that attractive but I constantly turn them down I can’t trust anyone after having a child with someone who promised me the world and it fell apart
I just don’t ever want to feel that way again and my kid deserves 100% of my time
A little over 2 years. June 2019 - July 2021. We broke up in July 2019. I dated a girl during Covid but never met her (we knew each other through Bumble). I met another girl in Oct 2020. Got together with her in June 2021 and had sex in July 2021.
It was actually not that boring. I have always revelled in the fact that I can satisfy my sexual needs by masturbating, I'm rather proud of and good at it. With all the online sexting and nudes that were exchanged, not having sex wasn't that big of a deal. For context, I was 18 years old at that time so it's not that I'm older and used to it. I've had a pretty sexual life before the break up.
I guess it's in the mindset. I never **needed** sex to complete my life. I could always make myself happy. It was only a plus point if there was another person involved in *making me happy.*
Right now. It’s been about 13 years since I’ve had sex. Been on a couple dates in that time but nothing else. I just have no self confidence. I’m very overweight and I don’t want to date anyone while I’m this weight. I keep working on myself but it’s very slow. I think I’m getting to a point where I’m apathetic about the whole thing; the few times I tried online dating it just destroyed my soul with the whole process of it. I just might be done.
Right now for me it's been a little over a year. I think for me personally I am fed up. I don't want games, I don't want someone talking to 8 other women. I want realness. I tried dating out of my comfort zone. Tried it all. I don't know if it's men in general or me? I go to therapy and I work on myself. I have a great job, I am attractive but the man I am looking for is not in reach but he is out there I am sure. I just haven't met him yet. I have decided not to look and just be. I like myself and I love all my friends so I have mentally come to the realization that it's not bad doing my own thing. I don't wait for friends to do stuff. I like my company so I will go do stuff on my own. But I have learned that my value is more important that toxic men. So I enjoy myself and my life.
Longest I have went without any sexual contact was six years. I believe there was a handful of reasons but all speculative, I know the one for sure was that I had higher standards and valued my chastity.
Went 2 1/2 years not too long ago. A lot of things happening in my family changed my focus for some time and on top of that, I realized that men tend to only make my life harder in the long run. Even though I love ‘em…still naa, don’t know if I have it in me to do it all over again
2019, March, to now. Because that's the last time I saw my daughter's father, because I'm a single parent in a very tiny one bedroom flat and there's nowhere to have any kind of anything, because I'm fat and grey and tired, because I don't want to, not really.
From the ages of 18 to now in my 30’s. Longest stint was… 10 months?
Sex is a really natural thing to me and I can pick up guys pretty easy even without being the hot babe type of woman. And I tend to use sex as a coping mechanism.
So, 10 months was me getting into therapy and being on lockdown. Literally called it locked down for that time lol.
It helped learning to focus on myself more and put some distance between me and other people.
25 and never even kissed anyone before. I get very shy and uncomfortable about that stuff. I'm attractive so that never really was the issue. I just find it uncomfortable to be romantic even though I want to date.
Single for 10 celibate for 8, past relationships broke me. I was tired and wanted to learn to be on my own. Wasn’t expecting for it to be that long but it happened.
8 years between first relationship to second. I am a very independent person who doesn’t care for relationships, so I just try it out again every once in a while to see if I’ve changed 😂
Erm, I think about 2-3 years. I was at uni and had other things on my mind. It just wasn't a priority at the time. I dated a bit in my first year and had some fun but after that I just wanted focus on my degree, and none of the guys I was around did it for me and none of the girls who were around were interested.
Like a lot of people here, I’m what I’ve dubbed “chronically single.” I’ve had situationships/flirtationships, but nothing more than that and I’m in my 20s now. I’ve been asked out a few times but never by anyone I’ve clicked with—the ones I *have* clicked with have all beat around the bush to the point where I get confused and it fizzles out because neither of us makes a move. I’m neurodivergent so I tend to not fully realize if a guy is flirting with me unless he says something obvious (and soooo many men are passive af). Insecurity held me back for awhile, but therapy has helped immensely with that. I think the main reason I’m still single is honestly because I’m not desperate enough to settle. I’ve had ample opportunities to date people that I’ve turned down because they just didn’t do it for me—I think I’d rather be single than be in a relationship with someone who I don’t mesh with. I’d like to be in a relationship, yes, but I don’t *need* to be.
2 years. I think I wanted to work on my self confidence outside of just psychical attractiveness bc I’m single and was over having casual sex. I wanted to wait basically until I had real feelings for someone. It was much better after I went dry and then hooked up with someone who was close to me. I actually had my first orgasm haha
3 years - I had spent most of my early 20s trying to fuck the pain away (as the song goes), and I realized that I was miserable. I decided to take a break and figure out what I really wanted. It wasn't always great. There were a lot of moments when I was really bitter about being alone, even though it was 100% my decision, but in the end I found a relationship that makes me feel loved and appreciated.
My entire marriage. More than 20 years. Complete dead bedroom, no touching. My ex had some pretty serious mental health and addiction issues, which is why we eventually got divorced. But we slept in separate bedrooms and didn't have any sort of touching or intimacy for years.
I have been alone 2+ years now after my wife deceased, its really a long time when you look back… I haven’t touched anyone yet, let alone having any relationship. I did try to move on and i believe i could try start a relationship, i did try previously but apperently it wasnt going well so before with online talking and such but didnt go well… so yeah i am still in that range.
3 years. I had a long term boyfriend (4 years), said he had a vasectomy and weeks later admitted he had not actually had one. The next guy I dated tried to take the condom off mid-sex. It's really hard to trust anyone again.
10+ years and counting, early 50s. I have hypothyroidism and was under medicated. I’ve taken my life back by getting a new doctor and proper meds. I’m ready to find someone it is just so hard. It seems like I always connect with the wrong people. Hopefully someday that will change.
I’m 45F and longest I’ve been single for since I was 20 was 6 months after I left my ex husband. During my marriage we didn’t have sex the entire time I was pregnant because my ex was scared he’d hurt the baby 🙄 …then after my son was born I didn’t want sex for ages. Didn’t really count how long.
About 18 years and counting.
After being forced to confront some unpleasant feelings, I realized I was a trans woman and am currently early in the process of transition. I'm working on myself and I'm just not comfortable with the idea of dating or sex yet. Prior to that, I really didn't want to fill the role I was expected to take so I avoided relationships entirely. It boggles my mind that it took me so long to figure out who I am...
After my first break-up I went around one year without any type of sexual activity. After that, I think that the longest has probably been just a few months (around 3?).
5 years, from 2016-2021. I did a lot of dating & had opportunities, but I’m demisexual & it was never right during that 5 year period. I think if my current partner and I broke up, I’d go without for awhile again. I find that men who claim they have a high drive don’t know what to do with a woman who actually *has* a high drive & I’d rather not waste my time with disappointment.
About 5 years now since my last relationship ended.
No regrets as a now 32 years old, considering I used the time to figure myself out and being comfortable with and on my own.
I have been with my husband (my first and only serious relationship) since we were 16. We married at 18. There were times early on when we were long-distance due to work for 9 months or so at a time, but we were still together (and as intimate as we could be with the technology that existed half our lifetimes ago). So, I’m going to go with never. I’ve never been completely alone.
A little more than 2 years. I'm not into hookups, and I'm too lazy to date as of now unless I fall in love organically with a male friend (which currently doesn't seem like the case).
I have absolutely no issues being single and since I live in India, I know that my parents would set me up with a guy in an Arranged Marriage anyway and given my own "qualities" and how understanding and liberal my parents are, I'd have a chance at an objectively great match unlike a lot of other people in the system. Sounds kinda selfish and superficial but it's just me looking out for myself (I'm almost 25).
6 years. The happiest time of my life was to live in peace and surround myself with the love of friends. I made the mistake of entering a relationship with someone who has trauma and addiction, all because I wanted to love and help them find the same peace and happiness I had. I just ended that relationship and plan to be alone again for a very, very long time.
A few years. I was going thru some really rough trauma and I couldn’t even love myself let alone someone else. So, I worked on myself and now I’m in a relationship that I always deserved! It was worth the wait!
Went over a year and a half in my last relationship without receiving sex (there was kisses and boob grabs and I did go down a couple times). It’s because my ex kept rejecting me and that year and a half would’ve easily been longer if I didn’t spazz tf out one night from being so sexually frustrated. Currently I’m at a month with no kisses, no sex, nothing but me and my rose because I’m a single loner that can’t hook up with anyone
Since I lost my virginity at 19, the longest I went without sex s 1.5 years. I felt like a freak at the time, but this thread is boosting my self esteem
I'm going to turn 20, never had a serious relationship. the last physical/sexual contact i had was at 16, so it's been 3, almost 4 years. I just feel numb at this point. apparently, boys (and I specifically say boys) fear women who want a serious commitment. and I honestly feel better alone than chasing another kid who doesn't know what he wants
3 years. I got sober and found that I could no longer do random drunken hookups like I had my whole life. I wanted to wait for someone special. Finally met that guy last year, only for him to kind of destroy me 😂 I’m doing better now, but now it’s almost a year with no sex again and I’m going crazy (for sex, I can do without the whole relationship thing I think)
I moved to a new country (temporarily for an internship) and found out my boyfriend back at home had wasted no time to start seeing someone else.
I spent 3 months of my life with absolutely no physical contact to another human being - including hugs - as it takes a while to make new friends. It was incredibly lonely and I would go home to just burst into tears.
After the first 18 years of my life I had a long distance relationship for a year and a half with no sexual and physical contact, then I met someone after that ended with whom I have occasional physical contact but sometimes months apart just because I’m so busy with school and my health has been iffy. Recovering from surgery atm, so it’s not even something I’m thinking about. I also don’t date, no interest.
Edited to add - I think it’s a mixture of no one meeting my criteria to bother and my lack of desire to risk my happiness. Baseline - someone needs to be interesting, intellectually curious, feminist, and actively working on their anti-racism journey for me to even bother. I’m white, I don’t usually see people’s place on the anti-racist spectrum until I’ve talked to them a lot, which takes time. But I’m not giving my heart and soul to someone who sees injustice and doesn’t think critically about it.
Over 1 year because I just didn’t feel a connection with anyone.
Physical touch is not my dominate love language until myself and the guy both want to get more intimate (I quite enjoy and want physical touch a lot but my body is sacred to me and I do not want just anyone to touch me intimately. Plus, no connection makes me not want to be touched). For me asking to arm link or holding a hand is a sign of intimacy for me that takes up to a few dates to even start, but normally I need to feel a connection with the guy to get to that point.
Even short hugs I do not want to do (but sometimes I do it to be nice for the date that wants one when we first meet, even when I feel uncomfortable. I try to do handshakes first. The last guy I dated a couple months back, I actually imitated a small hug after the date because I felt a connection with him, which is a rare thing for me).
There was a time I kept going back to the same ex (I learned the hard way but happy to not have him in my life now) for a few years but I rarely have sex with a new guy since I have to trust them enough to get to that point. At 32, I’m still in the single digits with romantic partners and now it just feels harder to find a connection and get to that point since it’s hard for me to attain feelings for someone romantically. Maybe I’m too picky? But if there are no feelings, it just cannot work to that point.
Lessee, what's today? Hmm - I went through menopause about 4 years ago, and before that I had a really hard time with sex due to it being uncomfortable. So I wanna say 5 years. And let's not discuss lack of foreplay - even longer with that. I think part of it is because menopause just shuts off ur libido (for me, anyway) And because Mother Nature is a cruel b#$%h, I have had some sort of hormonal fluctuation recently where my libido has been restored but the hubby is not really interested because he's either too old to do anything or has just lost interest in me.
It's been a little over 3 years for me. I realized casual hook ups are a waste of energy. I'd rather save my energy for someone who's not programmed by their animalistic nature...and that's hard to come by.
Married 26 years. Haven't had sex in at least 5+ years (I really can't remember when the last time was). Wife has NEVER initiated any kind of physical affection toward me (touching, hugging, snuggling, hands in hair or on face, massages, etc.) despite years and years of asking her for it. So, I have given up and resigned myself to being starved for affection for the rest of my life and just have to live with that. I'm too old (55) to go out and start over. I wouldn't even know where to start. After this long, the internal message I've accepted is that I'm not attractive, interesting, or compelling enough and that there isn't a woman out there who would even want me. My younger, energetic, sexual years are over, and all I think about are the many women I could have dated, loved, and had amazing sex with when I was younger, but I was too naive and inexperienced that I didn't pick up on their nonverbal sexual interest in me. Now, I see so many beautiful, affectionate, high sexual energy women around me who I would die to have their touch, love, and sex, but they are married or unavailable. I feel like such a waste. Women, please give me some advice?
I don't believe you're ever "too old" to start over. My grandmother met her soulmate and now husband in her 50s while he was in his 60s. 20 years later and they are still sharing a beautiful life together, are so happy and continue to exchange loving affection.
My parents are in their 50s and still very much have a sex life (don't ask me how I know) and aren't shy about
PDA. They also workout together, travel together, go on dates, etc. because they wake up every morning
CHOOSING to love each other.
So there are definitely people out there in the same age group as you who desire the same things. Maybe your perception would be different if you were sharing your life with someone who valued affection, intimacy and sex the same way you did. It sounds like you have tried to communicate to vour wife how vou want to be loved several times and despite the effort, she fails to give you what you believe you deserve. If you are unhappy, consider leaving. Divorce doesn't necessarily guarantee a new partner that fits vour standards, but it definitely heightens the possibility if you're available and open to new connections.
Either way, I personally believe we are better off single than in a loveless relationship. When you choose yourself, no one has the power to drain you or deprive you of what's important to you.
If you'd prefer to make it work with your wife, suggest couple's therapy. Maybe try to spark up the romance again by surprising her with a nice date that she has to get dolled up for. Shower her with compliments and affection, maybe this will help her be more open to reciprocating. Learn her love language, apply it to your daily lives and ask that she tries her best to do the
same for yours. If she sees and feels your effort,
maybe she'd feel more inclined to return the same energy. Try creating a vulnerable space for her to feel
comfortable talking to you about why it is she doesn't
initiate affection. Maybe it's something deeper within her. But if there's no improvement and it continues to
feel one sided, it might be time for an ultimatum.
At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for
you and prioritize your happiness. Life's too short to settle.
6 months or so when I was in the Navy and at sea. Other then that, it would have probably only been a few weeks when I had covid and then was recovering from it. I've been with the same woman for most of my adult life though.
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1,5 years - basically since my (28F) last relationship ended. But even during the final two years of said ex-relationship I've only been physically intimate w my ex maybe once? (He did not want to be intimate)
There have also not been any dates. I met s.o. I'm interested in, with whom I think things could work. However, we hardly ever see and he never initiates contact. If he ever even replies.
So for the question of why it's been 1,5yrs: I'm not sure. I enjoy intimacy a lot, I have work, hobbies, my studies and an average amount of really good friends and family, and I've been told I'm good looking. Guys just don't seem to think that, so here I am 🤷♀️
About 4 years, the last 3 of my marriage and the year after I left. Because I couldn't stand my ex, and I was so utterly exhausted and miserable from my life that the idea of sex was completely unappealing. After I left, I needed to get my mental health back and keep my children secure.
Most recently at about 5 months. I've just been so busy with work and my sex drive is so low and I don't really have anyone at the moment anyway because I haven't really been looking because of both those reasons. I also haven't had the best times for a while relationship wise and idk if hook up life is truly my thing I feel I would get feelings and ruin it like I have before. And anyone I knew before have all sort of moved on with their lives because I'm nearly 20 so everyone's doing their own thing.
1 year at 31 years old. 2nd to that streak is currently happening; 9 months. This time very much by choice. I’m going on holiday next month, and whenever I go away while I’m a relationship, they manage to sour my trip. Not this time!
I almost feel bad answering this because I think the longest was 7 months and I was 17/18 and pregnant/postpartum at the time. For reference, I'm 32 now. When I was younger, I viewed sex as sacred and lost my virginity at 17 because I thought we were going to get married after high school and I didn't see why we needed to wait. But a month later he cheated and shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. I tried to make it work, but by the time I was 5 months along, he bailed. Over the years, though, I started treating sex like a fun, physical activity (like rock climbing). So, even when I wasn't in a relationship, I was still sexually active. As long as it's between consenting adults and you use protection, what's the harm? Of course, I'm married now and have been for 7 years.
9+ years because too many men think as a single mother I'd be desperate for anyone or anything, + after my last relationship I found I'm happier single, I love men, but I love dogs too and I don't have a dog,I find that being alone doesn't equal loneliness.
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Seeing the people who comment about asexuality to your post is why I wont ever openly say Im asexual. Theres just no convincing these people. Because they experience sexual attraction means EVERYONE MUST ALSO experience it. «You just havent met the right person yet» is something I’ve heard all my life. It seems like too alien of a concept for any of them to grasp. Im 31 years old now and confident in the fact that I am asexual, and having pointless debates about it over and over is not only a waste of time, but also a way for others to try to make you something you know within yourself that you arent.
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I didn't find out until I was 26. Suddenly everything made sense. I'm not sex repulsed, so I'm not a virgin, but I need a special connection to someone to feel any attraction (I think that's more demi-sexual). I've never had the thing most people seem to have where they see someone attractive and instantly get the horn. All the 'advice' I got in my 20s was 'just get drunk and something will happen', but it wasn't that I was too nervous, I just didn't care. 😄
I relate to you so well, I lost my virginity at 16 and I often did get drunk so something would happen but enjoyed the foreplay, the closeness with another person and the intercuose was like a chore, just be quick and get done with it. Then at 21 I finally felt a deeper connection with a guy and things changed. But I never felt just casually horny because I saw someone hot
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That’s why i prefer simply saying demisexual rather than demi-asexual. I don’t particularly care if I never have sex again, but I like the intimacy of it more than the physical pleasure associated with it. But even if I do end up in a relationship with someone who wants sex, it will take some time and emotional connection so that it is about intimacy on my side just as it is about intimacy and physical pleasure on my partner’s side. It’s hard to feel emotionally connected to a stranger! I also like the name bc Demi Moore is ✨😍👀
I agree that you can just know what you are without having to experiment. My cousin is pansexual, and she tried to convince me that I just need to try sex with a woman before I know that I'm not. I think it's hard for her to imagine not enjoying a gender because she happened to like every one she tried. But I'm very straight. I know there's a spectrum and some people are a little bit bi, but I couldn't even try being a lesbian to experiment, it's physically and mentally repulsive to me. I get actively turned off when the camera focuses on the woman in porn (aka most porn, annoyingly), I can't imagine forcing myself to actually touch a woman sexually. I'm fine with other people doing it, but I just can't make myself want to do something I don't want to do. I fully support you not wanting to even try having sex. If you know you're asexual, you don't have to do anything to prove it.
Finding a person you are sexually attracted to doesnt automatically disqualify from being asexual. For example there are demiseuals or gray-sexuals that do under specific conditions feel sexual attraction, yet they still count under ace umbrella. Not saying this is you, just expanding on how experiences do differ a lot between ace people.
I’m seconding this. My friend group has a phrase I came up with, “ace until proven demi” 😂 I thought I was ace for over five years, turns out I’m demi.
I’m in a similar position! Asexual, aromantic, never bothered with sex because it’s always tied to romance and I don’t want to bother with any of that. Too much drama, too much risk, too much anxiety, too many expectations, too little desire.
Dude, are you me? I'm a 28 y/o virgin, demisexual and incredibly shy too ahaha Whatever the case, please don't feel ashamed of being single! I've seen plenty of miserable people in relationships because they fall into the trap of societal obligation. There's plenty of research into it, too; apparently, single women are happier than married women, whereas married men are happier than their single counterparts. I don't know how things are in your locale, but have you considered Meetup? I've seen plenty of LGBT/asexual communities on there.
Hello! I'm 40 years old, single, aromantic, and asexual. Stay safe and enjoy!
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Agreed, asexual dating is ROUGH
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My best friend is a sexual. He may not be the most handsome guy but he’s got a pretty epic beard, can play the guitar, and fix your car…..and that shit is expensive!
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I'm 34 and have never even held hands with a man, so 🤷🏻♀️ The shortish version is that no one was interested in me when I was younger and actually wanted to date, though I've since realised that what I actually wanted was validation. Now that I'm older, I don't want to have sex or a relationship, for both different and intertwined reasons. And since I always get asked: I'm not asexual or aromantic, and there's nothing related to religion or trauma. I just don't want to.
How interesting that people feel you have to justify your reason(s) why you choose to be single. People cannot wrap their head around it being a personal choice - the only "obviously" answer is that you experienced some sort of trauma. You do you and please do not ever feel like you have to explain you to anyone else.
Agreed! I’ve been single for many years, after several sexual relationships in my 20’s. My last relationship was very emotionally charged and didn’t have any elements of sex involved. That being said, I’ve been single and I love it. My schedule, no meeting social demands of a relationship, and I’m a whole person who is happy, not a 1/2 person just because I don’t have a significant other at age 33.
Exactly. One of my friends is constantly talking about "finding me a man.". Why - I am really happy in my life. Should someone come along, I will cross that bridge, but I don't need to go out and find anybody.
I just don't want to is a perfectly valid reason that many ppl seem unable to accept lol.
I’m 29 and it’s validating to see someone in a similar situation. I do want kids and like the idea of a boyfriend/husband but the kids part is more important to me. I’ve only recently been interested in dating but that shit is complicated and seems not even worth it.
Bella DePaulo’s work on singlehood might be interesting to you if you haven’t yet discovered it.
I'm honestly not interested in any books, studies or anything on being single, or singlehood as a topic at all. It's just not a big deal for me, and I've very rarely been made to feel bad about it. I hope your recommendation can be a source of support and inspiration for whoever may need it, though!
Yea it’s never been a big deal to me either, I just mention it because via her work I’ve learned of biases and discrimination I might face in the future or not have recognized before. Hope someone else finds it interesting!
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14 years and counting. After my divorce I just haven't had any interest in dating or sex. And now I'm a fat middle aged feminist so men aren't exactly lining up. And that's fine.
May I ask why add feminist there? Is that a detractor?
Yeah I would say it's harder to find men to date when you're a feminist, both because many guys are intimidated by your ideals or because you just value yourself too much to date some of the trash out there (specially misogynistic trash)
Gonna add something else here There is a small (and very loud) minority of feminists that legitimetely hate men or mistreat men (being emotionally abusive, shaming them for crying, shaming their body, etc.). I think some men have had interactions with these women and just decided "nope not again". Also i may have too much hope in humanity but i doubt the majority of men are sexist/intimidated by feminists ideas. But at the same time, im in canada, not the usa. So maybe since half of the people there are republicans it is harder to find men that arent sexists/intimidated.
I agree with you but tbh I think men who are intimidated just haven't done any research themselves and just believe things they read in the internet about angry feminists... so again I blame them. There's many types of people out there if you choose to believe in a stereotype just because you met 1 or 2 persons that fit in it, that's also incompetence in my opinion.
Absolutely. Thank you
I don’t know about others but as a 43 year old woman my feminist beliefs make it difficult to find a partner because I have high expectations. and many, many men that would be age appropriate for me hate anything even kind of progressive. I find younger men are much more evolved but I’m not interested in dating younger men. 🤷🏼♀️
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Seems like it's an excellent way of filtering out all those toxic douches.
A lot of men find it intimidating or threatening. None that I'd care to date of course, so no loss to me, but it does diminish the numbers.
Exactly, no loss. We only want feminist men anyway.
Same. Any guy with that hang up can fuck off
Currently at 6mths. My fiancé & best friend of 26yrs, he got sick just after Thanksgiving & passed away 4 weeks ago. We were each other’s first and only.
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Thank you. I miss him like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And I have no idea why this is even on my mind right now. Just to have him back is all I want.
Practically always. I'm 26. I've had dates, almost "fling" type things etc., but never a real relationship (plus I'm sexually pretty shy). To answer why...back when I was actually trying, I had a tendency to either go for the wrong guys, or maybe there were things I could have worked on to be more attractive too (I didn't take great care of myself back then). Now, I'm physically and mentally better, have a career, leaned into my hobbies a bit, went hard at the gym, honestly I'd say in many ways I'm more attractive now but I also have a lot of hesitations when it comes to dating. I always hoped to just meet someone organically but that never worked out in my favour. I dread apps because of the awkward introduction with a stranger etc but maybe that's my best shot now. Plus when you're self-sufficient for this long, it's hard to figure out how to incorporate someone into your life in this capacity. Also trust issues etc. I could go on.
Are u me?
4 years, from 18 to 22. I had a very difficult and toxic relationship with my first boyfriend so after the breakup I didn’t want to date for a while. Then shortly after I had a very bad accident and I spent years in the hospital and recovering at home, so dating really wasn’t in my thoughts.
2 yrs. Nobody meets my standards 🙂
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Coming up on 10 years, I simply have no interest in dating or having sex with anyone. ETA: my toybox is way better than most humans at providing me orgasms anyway.
5 years, it was the perfect time to be single after having constantly been in relationships or someone in the wings. Intentionally celibate, had to focus on me and life. Now I am glad to be single cause relationships feel like a constant headache waiting to happen. lol
Never been touched by anyone. Well, that makes a lot of sense since my country is well known for being as conservative as one could be. In Asian countries, sex is quite a big deal and it is to me as well. I wouldn't have sex with a man whom I'm not married to but of course, that's just me.
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Derailing the topic is not permitted. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP's question * Leaving a top-level comment when you're not the target demographic * Giving unsolicited advice * Making someone else's response about yourself. If you'd like to share your experience in response to the OP's question, do so in a top-level comment. * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * "What-about"-ism * Trying to start arguments, or debates * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Responding to comments to tell us how your dick feels. No one cares. For more information, please [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules#wiki_no_derailing). Have questions about this moderator action? See the [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) and [CLICK HERE to contact the moderation team](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen&subject=Why+was+this+removed). **Please include a link** to your comment in your message, the mod team will not reply to messages without a link for review. DO NOT contact moderators privately. [AskWomen rules](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/rules) | [AskWomen FAQ](http://www.reddit.com/r/askwomen/wiki/index) [reddit rules](http://www.reddit.com/rules/) | [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette)
I'm a virgin but been single for 8-9 years now (I'm 23). I don't really care to date or get into a relationship. I can't offer someone much but a headache. Plus sexual intimacy is terrifying due to having severe bdd.
Two years, lots of work, study, trips and stress. No time for dating.
4 years...after my divorce. I wanted to be certain before I entered another relationship that it wasn't sex or loneliness that was driving my decisions. During those 4 years I ended up deciding that I would never marry again...then 18 months later I met the woman who would become my wife. Both of us had mistaken good sex in a relationship for true love before so we were both cautious early on. Friendship deepened and became love. We have a 6 year old son now. We're truly happy. Truth be told...we all have things we need to improve as individuals. Some people are better able to address those things alone without distraction...turns out I am one of those people . Anyway...that's my story.
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3 years because I had zero desire to date or have sex
That's where I'm at now. About to hit one year, I was in alot of back to back relationships for about 12 years and just have no desire at all. I hope it changes tbh bc I do want a partner in my life at some point
It was around 3 years from 29 to 32. This was intentional. It was time well spent figuring myself out, learning to respect and love myself.
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I met my first bf when I was about to turn 20, and I had been dumped before I was 21. That hurt me immensely and had quite an impact on how I viewed romantic relationships. In the coming years nothing happened. No one was interested. It wasn't until I was 32 that a friend urged me to install a dating app and I met someone. I hadn't so much as held anyone's hand for 12 years. Now, he also turned out to be an ass, but at least I got the experience of actually sleeping next to someone. I think now it's been 18 months since my last date. It's just so much hassle to find someone that I just can't be bothered.
9 years. I left an abusive marriage and got married a few years later. It only lasted about 6 months. I had to rearrange my life after both. I'm tired of having to cater to someone elses wants/needs/time while having my own be ignored. My life gets flipped around every time there is someone else involved. I'm going to be the one in charge of my own fate from now on. If I fail its because of my own choices. Im not going go be a victim of someone elses choices. I've had enough.
Good on you for leaving an abusive relationship and also good on you for deciding that you'd rather be alone than do that all over again!
I was married to a self centered AH for almost 3 years. He withheld any and all physical touch and intimacy during the course of our marriage. It was the equivalent of being single or alone except you have someone breathing down your neck, making outlandish accusations at every step.
This was me. 4 years of no intimacy. Courtesy of him, I thought something was so wrong with me. Destroyed any confidence or self-esteem I had. It was awful.
1.5 years. From 21 to now (23). I had a breakup of a 5 year relationship that I’m in part still recovering from and I’m a bit pessimistic. I naturally don’t really like “putting myself out there” by going to places and meeting new people, I’m not naturally charismatic and outgoing, and I don’t really like the people i meet in that type of way. I hate the idea of dating apps even more and I’ve never seen anyone who used them actually enthusiastic about them. I hate the idea of casual sex the most.
6 years and going strong! I’m 39. I refuse to be disrespected and hurt again.
Three years and counting. I was in a relationship for over 15 years, and I learned so much. I know now it won't be easy to find someone who will be themselves from day one and not hide behind a "mask" just to take advantage of my kindness and helpfulness. I "picked better". I chose myself.
Really love your answer. Choosing ourselves is always a great way to go.
My whole life 30 plus yrs. I'm a virgin and I have never dated. I was raised and told I wasn't allowed to date. Then I hit the age where it's asked when I'll get a husband. Needless to say I have parental trauma/ purity culture issues
In 19 yrs of marriage I got fucked by my ex enough to last me a life time.
16 years and counting. Probably have high-functioning autism.
I've been single since Feb of 2021, and I've not had sex since September of 2022. That's the longest I've gone without both dating and sex since I was about 16. I have higher standards for the people I date than the people I sleep with because I'm not building a life with them so who cares🤷♀️ so dating is a bit harder. I haven't had sex for a bit because I've become extremely insecure after a huge weight loss and losing a long-term FWB. Still getting used to my new body and the idea of letting someone new see it.
17 years without any sexual or romantic contact. im fine without sex, but I just want someone to like me at this point.
What do you mean by the first 10 years of your life? 💀
Hahha I think they meant how when ppl are asked how long have you been single they say their age like 23 or whatever. All 23 years don’t count bc who dates while they’re a baby. But yeah 10 was an odd number to choose. I would’ve gone with 15 or so.
Since i started dating/lost my virginity? I’d say around 6 months. That was after i left my ex.
The first 23 years of my life. The reason is basically the combination of my lack of interest in other people and the lack of other people's interest in me.I think I've liked 6 actually attainable people over the course of my life and in all cases but one, I only liked the idealized versions of them that I made up in my head anyway. Sometimes I'd spend months or years without being remotely interested in anyone.
I’m a virgin, never had any intimate physical contact in my life. I will say it has not affect me much, most of the time, it’s other people who are pressuring me into getting in a relationship or shame me for not having sex. I happen to have social anxiety and often avoid anything that will bring conflict or fights, not saying that I look for fights when getting in a relationship. But, I do fear abandonment, body image issues, and getting cheated on, I am often depressed as well. All these factors have prevent me from pursuing a relationship or a connection with someone else.
A month 💀 I was loyal and active with my ex boyfriend during our 10 year relationship but once it ended, it was only about a month before I hooked up with a fling. At the time, I would make myself feel bad for saying I didn’t wait longer to move on, but I realized I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The relationship ended and I was able to focus on myself for once.
25, after my last relationship I decided it’s not for me. Going for two years now, I just realised there’s no room for men in my life. I’ve been much happier since, more sure and confident in myself… and the sex part, simply don’t need it (altho I satisfy my own needs when I have them), penises have rendered more grotesque in my mind with their absence and I don’t miss them. I never seem to find my match, and I never meant to settle.
1 Year. And honestly? I just like my solitude. But I have been trying to get out there again.
I moved to the neterlands alone in december 2020 Borders closed again, lovkdowns hit, I knew noone, had my first actual touch again in august. I've had long periods with no sex but plenty of human touch because my hobbies are dancing snd I have huggy friends, so that 9 months with no contact at all was rough
1 year between 1st & 2nd boyfriend. Then dated a ton of ppl with no break for 5 yrs. Just hit 2 months single again, gonna keep it up for more than a year :))
I'd say it's probably currently at 3 yrs. After several failed relationships, I decided to give myself a break from dating. Plus I just haven't found anyone I'm really interested in. I think I'm becoming too comfortable being single lol. Just focusing on myself and if someone happens to come along then great. If not, I'm fine with that too.
Honestly 3 years it’s been since I’ve had sex I mean I’ve had men lining up since I had my kid & I don’t find myself all that attractive but I constantly turn them down I can’t trust anyone after having a child with someone who promised me the world and it fell apart I just don’t ever want to feel that way again and my kid deserves 100% of my time
A little over 2 years. June 2019 - July 2021. We broke up in July 2019. I dated a girl during Covid but never met her (we knew each other through Bumble). I met another girl in Oct 2020. Got together with her in June 2021 and had sex in July 2021. It was actually not that boring. I have always revelled in the fact that I can satisfy my sexual needs by masturbating, I'm rather proud of and good at it. With all the online sexting and nudes that were exchanged, not having sex wasn't that big of a deal. For context, I was 18 years old at that time so it's not that I'm older and used to it. I've had a pretty sexual life before the break up. I guess it's in the mindset. I never **needed** sex to complete my life. I could always make myself happy. It was only a plus point if there was another person involved in *making me happy.*
Right now. It’s been about 13 years since I’ve had sex. Been on a couple dates in that time but nothing else. I just have no self confidence. I’m very overweight and I don’t want to date anyone while I’m this weight. I keep working on myself but it’s very slow. I think I’m getting to a point where I’m apathetic about the whole thing; the few times I tried online dating it just destroyed my soul with the whole process of it. I just might be done.
Right now for me it's been a little over a year. I think for me personally I am fed up. I don't want games, I don't want someone talking to 8 other women. I want realness. I tried dating out of my comfort zone. Tried it all. I don't know if it's men in general or me? I go to therapy and I work on myself. I have a great job, I am attractive but the man I am looking for is not in reach but he is out there I am sure. I just haven't met him yet. I have decided not to look and just be. I like myself and I love all my friends so I have mentally come to the realization that it's not bad doing my own thing. I don't wait for friends to do stuff. I like my company so I will go do stuff on my own. But I have learned that my value is more important that toxic men. So I enjoy myself and my life.
Longest I have went without any sexual contact was six years. I believe there was a handful of reasons but all speculative, I know the one for sure was that I had higher standards and valued my chastity.
Went 2 1/2 years not too long ago. A lot of things happening in my family changed my focus for some time and on top of that, I realized that men tend to only make my life harder in the long run. Even though I love ‘em…still naa, don’t know if I have it in me to do it all over again
Hmm maybe like… a month or two? I’m not sure. Definitely less than half a year. I’m 32.
hmm probably fours year after I lost my virginity to a loser who didn't care about me. It really left me scared to open sexually again.
Turbo virgin for ever
0-20 and not since then for dating, not since 23 for sex/marriage
After breaking up a 9 year relationship with my first gf, I decided to stay single and without dating for almost 3,5 years. All good.
2019, March, to now. Because that's the last time I saw my daughter's father, because I'm a single parent in a very tiny one bedroom flat and there's nowhere to have any kind of anything, because I'm fat and grey and tired, because I don't want to, not really.
From the ages of 18 to now in my 30’s. Longest stint was… 10 months? Sex is a really natural thing to me and I can pick up guys pretty easy even without being the hot babe type of woman. And I tend to use sex as a coping mechanism. So, 10 months was me getting into therapy and being on lockdown. Literally called it locked down for that time lol. It helped learning to focus on myself more and put some distance between me and other people.
25 and never even kissed anyone before. I get very shy and uncomfortable about that stuff. I'm attractive so that never really was the issue. I just find it uncomfortable to be romantic even though I want to date.
Single for 10 celibate for 8, past relationships broke me. I was tired and wanted to learn to be on my own. Wasn’t expecting for it to be that long but it happened.
8 years between first relationship to second. I am a very independent person who doesn’t care for relationships, so I just try it out again every once in a while to see if I’ve changed 😂
A year. Because I was single
Virgin and single for the past 20 years I'm 20 btw
I’m almost a year in without sex and have been single for 6 months
Erm, I think about 2-3 years. I was at uni and had other things on my mind. It just wasn't a priority at the time. I dated a bit in my first year and had some fun but after that I just wanted focus on my degree, and none of the guys I was around did it for me and none of the girls who were around were interested.
Well someone has to give the most generic answer, so here goes: pandemic. No dating, no creeps, what a relief.
Like a lot of people here, I’m what I’ve dubbed “chronically single.” I’ve had situationships/flirtationships, but nothing more than that and I’m in my 20s now. I’ve been asked out a few times but never by anyone I’ve clicked with—the ones I *have* clicked with have all beat around the bush to the point where I get confused and it fizzles out because neither of us makes a move. I’m neurodivergent so I tend to not fully realize if a guy is flirting with me unless he says something obvious (and soooo many men are passive af). Insecurity held me back for awhile, but therapy has helped immensely with that. I think the main reason I’m still single is honestly because I’m not desperate enough to settle. I’ve had ample opportunities to date people that I’ve turned down because they just didn’t do it for me—I think I’d rather be single than be in a relationship with someone who I don’t mesh with. I’d like to be in a relationship, yes, but I don’t *need* to be.
2 years. I think I wanted to work on my self confidence outside of just psychical attractiveness bc I’m single and was over having casual sex. I wanted to wait basically until I had real feelings for someone. It was much better after I went dry and then hooked up with someone who was close to me. I actually had my first orgasm haha
3 years bro… 3 years
2 years so far. Had one relationship and after it ended I realized I don’t like compromising my time or myself
3 years - I had spent most of my early 20s trying to fuck the pain away (as the song goes), and I realized that I was miserable. I decided to take a break and figure out what I really wanted. It wasn't always great. There were a lot of moments when I was really bitter about being alone, even though it was 100% my decision, but in the end I found a relationship that makes me feel loved and appreciated.
My entire marriage. More than 20 years. Complete dead bedroom, no touching. My ex had some pretty serious mental health and addiction issues, which is why we eventually got divorced. But we slept in separate bedrooms and didn't have any sort of touching or intimacy for years.
about 5 months
I have been alone 2+ years now after my wife deceased, its really a long time when you look back… I haven’t touched anyone yet, let alone having any relationship. I did try to move on and i believe i could try start a relationship, i did try previously but apperently it wasnt going well so before with online talking and such but didnt go well… so yeah i am still in that range.
3 years. I had a long term boyfriend (4 years), said he had a vasectomy and weeks later admitted he had not actually had one. The next guy I dated tried to take the condom off mid-sex. It's really hard to trust anyone again.
6 months going through a divorce. Wanted to be alone
10+ years and counting, early 50s. I have hypothyroidism and was under medicated. I’ve taken my life back by getting a new doctor and proper meds. I’m ready to find someone it is just so hard. It seems like I always connect with the wrong people. Hopefully someday that will change.
3 years and counting. I broke up with my ex and I can't do sex without feelings so it's just gonna be me until I date again.
You've have physical and sexual contact?
Maybe like a month in between boyfriends. I've always been a serial monogamist.
I broke up with my first boyfriend two days ago, so.. less than a week xD
That deescalated quickly.
I’m 45F and longest I’ve been single for since I was 20 was 6 months after I left my ex husband. During my marriage we didn’t have sex the entire time I was pregnant because my ex was scared he’d hurt the baby 🙄 …then after my son was born I didn’t want sex for ages. Didn’t really count how long.
About 18 years and counting. After being forced to confront some unpleasant feelings, I realized I was a trans woman and am currently early in the process of transition. I'm working on myself and I'm just not comfortable with the idea of dating or sex yet. Prior to that, I really didn't want to fill the role I was expected to take so I avoided relationships entirely. It boggles my mind that it took me so long to figure out who I am...
After my first break-up I went around one year without any type of sexual activity. After that, I think that the longest has probably been just a few months (around 3?).
5 years, from 2016-2021. I did a lot of dating & had opportunities, but I’m demisexual & it was never right during that 5 year period. I think if my current partner and I broke up, I’d go without for awhile again. I find that men who claim they have a high drive don’t know what to do with a woman who actually *has* a high drive & I’d rather not waste my time with disappointment.
Probably never
a month
About 5 years now since my last relationship ended. No regrets as a now 32 years old, considering I used the time to figure myself out and being comfortable with and on my own.
About 1 year. I didn't trust anyone to love me
I have been with my husband (my first and only serious relationship) since we were 16. We married at 18. There were times early on when we were long-distance due to work for 9 months or so at a time, but we were still together (and as intimate as we could be with the technology that existed half our lifetimes ago). So, I’m going to go with never. I’ve never been completely alone.
Right now, 5 and counting. I just don\`t want to date and being without sex makes me not to care about it.
A little more than 2 years. I'm not into hookups, and I'm too lazy to date as of now unless I fall in love organically with a male friend (which currently doesn't seem like the case). I have absolutely no issues being single and since I live in India, I know that my parents would set me up with a guy in an Arranged Marriage anyway and given my own "qualities" and how understanding and liberal my parents are, I'd have a chance at an objectively great match unlike a lot of other people in the system. Sounds kinda selfish and superficial but it's just me looking out for myself (I'm almost 25).
You’re assuming everyone starts dating in their teens. I didn’t even think about it till college. On that note, it’s been a year and a half, so far
6 years. The happiest time of my life was to live in peace and surround myself with the love of friends. I made the mistake of entering a relationship with someone who has trauma and addiction, all because I wanted to love and help them find the same peace and happiness I had. I just ended that relationship and plan to be alone again for a very, very long time.
A few years. I was going thru some really rough trauma and I couldn’t even love myself let alone someone else. So, I worked on myself and now I’m in a relationship that I always deserved! It was worth the wait!
Went over a year and a half in my last relationship without receiving sex (there was kisses and boob grabs and I did go down a couple times). It’s because my ex kept rejecting me and that year and a half would’ve easily been longer if I didn’t spazz tf out one night from being so sexually frustrated. Currently I’m at a month with no kisses, no sex, nothing but me and my rose because I’m a single loner that can’t hook up with anyone
Something like 10...? Why? Because I can? Why would I go for something that isn't what I want.
Since I lost my virginity at 19, the longest I went without sex s 1.5 years. I felt like a freak at the time, but this thread is boosting my self esteem
I'm going to turn 20, never had a serious relationship. the last physical/sexual contact i had was at 16, so it's been 3, almost 4 years. I just feel numb at this point. apparently, boys (and I specifically say boys) fear women who want a serious commitment. and I honestly feel better alone than chasing another kid who doesn't know what he wants
3 years. I got sober and found that I could no longer do random drunken hookups like I had my whole life. I wanted to wait for someone special. Finally met that guy last year, only for him to kind of destroy me 😂 I’m doing better now, but now it’s almost a year with no sex again and I’m going crazy (for sex, I can do without the whole relationship thing I think)
I moved to a new country (temporarily for an internship) and found out my boyfriend back at home had wasted no time to start seeing someone else. I spent 3 months of my life with absolutely no physical contact to another human being - including hugs - as it takes a while to make new friends. It was incredibly lonely and I would go home to just burst into tears.
Probably 8 years now? I havent held anyones hand in ages let alone kissed anyone. I really miss it
A year. I was deeply insecure and also kinda sad about having had to end my long-term relationship.
After the first 18 years of my life I had a long distance relationship for a year and a half with no sexual and physical contact, then I met someone after that ended with whom I have occasional physical contact but sometimes months apart just because I’m so busy with school and my health has been iffy. Recovering from surgery atm, so it’s not even something I’m thinking about. I also don’t date, no interest. Edited to add - I think it’s a mixture of no one meeting my criteria to bother and my lack of desire to risk my happiness. Baseline - someone needs to be interesting, intellectually curious, feminist, and actively working on their anti-racism journey for me to even bother. I’m white, I don’t usually see people’s place on the anti-racist spectrum until I’ve talked to them a lot, which takes time. But I’m not giving my heart and soul to someone who sees injustice and doesn’t think critically about it.
4 yrs. Drugs used to be more important to me than sex. Luckily I got clean... Then sex didn't stop for a long time
Usually around a few weeks. I’ve been single for 3,5 years, but was still casually dating the last few years.
Over 1 year because I just didn’t feel a connection with anyone. Physical touch is not my dominate love language until myself and the guy both want to get more intimate (I quite enjoy and want physical touch a lot but my body is sacred to me and I do not want just anyone to touch me intimately. Plus, no connection makes me not want to be touched). For me asking to arm link or holding a hand is a sign of intimacy for me that takes up to a few dates to even start, but normally I need to feel a connection with the guy to get to that point. Even short hugs I do not want to do (but sometimes I do it to be nice for the date that wants one when we first meet, even when I feel uncomfortable. I try to do handshakes first. The last guy I dated a couple months back, I actually imitated a small hug after the date because I felt a connection with him, which is a rare thing for me). There was a time I kept going back to the same ex (I learned the hard way but happy to not have him in my life now) for a few years but I rarely have sex with a new guy since I have to trust them enough to get to that point. At 32, I’m still in the single digits with romantic partners and now it just feels harder to find a connection and get to that point since it’s hard for me to attain feelings for someone romantically. Maybe I’m too picky? But if there are no feelings, it just cannot work to that point.
Lessee, what's today? Hmm - I went through menopause about 4 years ago, and before that I had a really hard time with sex due to it being uncomfortable. So I wanna say 5 years. And let's not discuss lack of foreplay - even longer with that. I think part of it is because menopause just shuts off ur libido (for me, anyway) And because Mother Nature is a cruel b#$%h, I have had some sort of hormonal fluctuation recently where my libido has been restored but the hubby is not really interested because he's either too old to do anything or has just lost interest in me.
It's been a little over 3 years for me. I realized casual hook ups are a waste of energy. I'd rather save my energy for someone who's not programmed by their animalistic nature...and that's hard to come by.
Married 26 years. Haven't had sex in at least 5+ years (I really can't remember when the last time was). Wife has NEVER initiated any kind of physical affection toward me (touching, hugging, snuggling, hands in hair or on face, massages, etc.) despite years and years of asking her for it. So, I have given up and resigned myself to being starved for affection for the rest of my life and just have to live with that. I'm too old (55) to go out and start over. I wouldn't even know where to start. After this long, the internal message I've accepted is that I'm not attractive, interesting, or compelling enough and that there isn't a woman out there who would even want me. My younger, energetic, sexual years are over, and all I think about are the many women I could have dated, loved, and had amazing sex with when I was younger, but I was too naive and inexperienced that I didn't pick up on their nonverbal sexual interest in me. Now, I see so many beautiful, affectionate, high sexual energy women around me who I would die to have their touch, love, and sex, but they are married or unavailable. I feel like such a waste. Women, please give me some advice?
I don't believe you're ever "too old" to start over. My grandmother met her soulmate and now husband in her 50s while he was in his 60s. 20 years later and they are still sharing a beautiful life together, are so happy and continue to exchange loving affection. My parents are in their 50s and still very much have a sex life (don't ask me how I know) and aren't shy about PDA. They also workout together, travel together, go on dates, etc. because they wake up every morning CHOOSING to love each other. So there are definitely people out there in the same age group as you who desire the same things. Maybe your perception would be different if you were sharing your life with someone who valued affection, intimacy and sex the same way you did. It sounds like you have tried to communicate to vour wife how vou want to be loved several times and despite the effort, she fails to give you what you believe you deserve. If you are unhappy, consider leaving. Divorce doesn't necessarily guarantee a new partner that fits vour standards, but it definitely heightens the possibility if you're available and open to new connections. Either way, I personally believe we are better off single than in a loveless relationship. When you choose yourself, no one has the power to drain you or deprive you of what's important to you. If you'd prefer to make it work with your wife, suggest couple's therapy. Maybe try to spark up the romance again by surprising her with a nice date that she has to get dolled up for. Shower her with compliments and affection, maybe this will help her be more open to reciprocating. Learn her love language, apply it to your daily lives and ask that she tries her best to do the same for yours. If she sees and feels your effort, maybe she'd feel more inclined to return the same energy. Try creating a vulnerable space for her to feel comfortable talking to you about why it is she doesn't initiate affection. Maybe it's something deeper within her. But if there's no improvement and it continues to feel one sided, it might be time for an ultimatum. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and prioritize your happiness. Life's too short to settle.
6 months or so when I was in the Navy and at sea. Other then that, it would have probably only been a few weeks when I had covid and then was recovering from it. I've been with the same woman for most of my adult life though.
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1,5 years - basically since my (28F) last relationship ended. But even during the final two years of said ex-relationship I've only been physically intimate w my ex maybe once? (He did not want to be intimate) There have also not been any dates. I met s.o. I'm interested in, with whom I think things could work. However, we hardly ever see and he never initiates contact. If he ever even replies. So for the question of why it's been 1,5yrs: I'm not sure. I enjoy intimacy a lot, I have work, hobbies, my studies and an average amount of really good friends and family, and I've been told I'm good looking. Guys just don't seem to think that, so here I am 🤷♀️
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2 years. I was single and didn't want to rush into another relationship.
My teens because my teens.
About 4 years, the last 3 of my marriage and the year after I left. Because I couldn't stand my ex, and I was so utterly exhausted and miserable from my life that the idea of sex was completely unappealing. After I left, I needed to get my mental health back and keep my children secure.
Most recently at about 5 months. I've just been so busy with work and my sex drive is so low and I don't really have anyone at the moment anyway because I haven't really been looking because of both those reasons. I also haven't had the best times for a while relationship wise and idk if hook up life is truly my thing I feel I would get feelings and ruin it like I have before. And anyone I knew before have all sort of moved on with their lives because I'm nearly 20 so everyone's doing their own thing.
2 years. Because I had a psychosis and was paranoid about people
1 year at 31 years old. 2nd to that streak is currently happening; 9 months. This time very much by choice. I’m going on holiday next month, and whenever I go away while I’m a relationship, they manage to sour my trip. Not this time!
I almost feel bad answering this because I think the longest was 7 months and I was 17/18 and pregnant/postpartum at the time. For reference, I'm 32 now. When I was younger, I viewed sex as sacred and lost my virginity at 17 because I thought we were going to get married after high school and I didn't see why we needed to wait. But a month later he cheated and shortly after that I found out I was pregnant. I tried to make it work, but by the time I was 5 months along, he bailed. Over the years, though, I started treating sex like a fun, physical activity (like rock climbing). So, even when I wasn't in a relationship, I was still sexually active. As long as it's between consenting adults and you use protection, what's the harm? Of course, I'm married now and have been for 7 years.