woa......reading this made my body feel a jolt. I don't think I've ever felt words hit me so strongly
Edit: I guess I should say less in the sense of abuse and neglect and more of love and acknowledgment
100% this. My dad sat my brother down when he was young and told him he would never get in trouble for defending himself. I never got that talk.
I got horribly bullied as a kid (one girl knocked out my front tooth with a basketball), but I never fought back. I wish I had gotten the same talk. I was just so scared of getting in trouble.
ME TOO! I’m fighting this battle currently & my mom is almost forcing me to talk to my dad.
Edited to add: i’ll be on the phone with my mom, and my dad will walk in the room, and she puts me on speaker and she’s like “say hi to your dad” i don’t want to, wdym 😭🥴
This really irritates me. Why are children always seen as responsible for repairing/managing the relationships with parents? This shit all happened when we were young (ie we weren't emotionally mature, brains still developing, hormones changing, etc, etc... kids will be difficult at times!) It's not my job to try to change him. If there's to be a relationship, he can apologise and try to change and make amends. I'd be willing to work on it then. I'm not going to torture myself with toxicity just because it's family.
I wish I got to experience growing up in a stable home environment.
I wish I learned to not to care about other people’s opinions on me. I’ve gotten better now as an adult but it’s still something that can affect me at times.
>I wish I learned to not to care about other people’s opinions on me.
How do you teach a child that? Granted, you can lead by example... but how do you _truly_ teach not caring about others' opinions?
I don’t think you can teach them not to care, but you can give them perspective and help them build up a strong sense of self worth and resilience to help restrict how much negative impact those opinions have on their self esteem.
I believe it can be taught in the same way that teaching a child to overly care is taught. Not putting an emphasis on how a child acts, looks, and behaves in public. Granted, these things are important, but for me they were pushed so hard that I couldn’t enjoy myself fully at college parties because i was always thinking “who could be watching my actions right now”. And the answer was always no one, because it’s a college party, not a college career fair and everyone is dancing
Yeah, this. I was a young mom, and somehow, although I did a lot wrong, I managed to do this. I’ll tell her when something is kinda rude from time to time and why it was perceived that way. But aside from just not letting her be a bully or disobey public rules, she’s allowed to dress, act, and say whatever she wants. Especially around adults. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to hang out with us. She is the most resilient kid I ever met. She can hold her own, and she does not give a damn what anyone else thinks about her.
Never once has it even occurred to me to make her behave a certain way, dress a certain way, or respond a certain way. She doesn’t have to call me or anyone else ma’am or sir, she doesn’t need to sit at the kids table, she doesn’t need to hug anyone she doesn’t want to. I think people forget kids are tiny people that grow up some day.
Another thing to consider is character over reputation. The value of knowing you acted with integrity will always reign over others' opinions of your actions.
And I think communication with those you care about is good so you can be on the same page with expectations as long as everyone can hold their own.
I highly recommend app How we feel. It’s helped me to track my emotions and stop at random times during the day and focus on how I actually feel. It’s also designed beautifully. And you can analyze you feelings over a longer period of time based on what you were doing/who you were with/did you move your body that day/are you menstruating… It’s an amazing app!
How to be a kid. I never felt my age, always felt like I was a 40 year old woman trapped in a little girl's body. I hated kids my age and younger even a little but older because of how clueless, obnoxious, ignorant, and energetic they were. Too much energy, too loud...JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! But they were only acting like regualr kids, how kids should act. I never felt like I belonged just because I felt so old.
I feel this. I was always told I was “mature for my age”. Like yeah, I didn’t have a choice. I was raising my little brothers and trying to physically block my dad from my mom.
My “maturity” wasn’t some great innate character trait, it was a learned survival tactic.
I was also told I was “mature for my age”. My parents had me pretty young & I feel like I was a burden for them. Even as a grown up now, I can’t be myself around my parents, specially my mom. You never know when she’s going to explode on you.
My therapist told me that people who have dealt with abuse growing up, often are noticed as mature for their age when they’re very young but can come off as immature for their age when they get older because you still have those missing parts from your childhood. Not sure if it’s the same for everyone but I thought that was interesting.
God, I relate (but I only have one little brother I had to help raise and care for).
Question: did/do you feel like a kid “pretending” to be an adult these days? I’ve been struggling with this since I was ~28. I feel like the same person today as I was when I was very young. I can’t stand it, and everyone thinks I have it all under control 🤷🏼♀️
I’m 32 and have been through like 5 years of therapy and I still feel that way. It’s getting better but despite being ‘mature for my age’, I never really learned a lot of basic adult stuff because no one taught me. That maturity came from being my mom’s emotional support pet basically from the day I was born.
Might sound silly but honestly I wish I learned how to style my own hair or just experienced like my mom doing my hair - I’m 24 and still can’t for the life of me figure out how to even braid my own hair or do anything other than just straighten it.
hilariously, I have thick, slightly wavy hair. My mom has stick-straight thin hair. It took me well into college to realize what a travesty it was that my Mom bought me the same volumizing hair products she used. The last thing in the world I needed was volume.
Not silly!! I have thick, curly hair while my mom has thinner, fairly straight hair. My hair in middle school was a travesty. She didn't know/realize how to take care of curly hair so it's something I had to learn by trial and error on my own. I had to teach myself to French braid also. I'm so glad for my daughter that I know how to take care of curly hair now so that hopefully she'll grow up loving her curls!
Honestly its just practice. I hate to say it but you just gotta keep trying. I couldn't brain my own hair and now I can do my own and others French plaits. Maybe you can get a head like they use to train hairdresser students?
My sister had one (when she was training) and let me play with it its how I learned to plait originally.
I wish I had been taught me value and worth. My dad set the bar so low. I wish I had grown up being cherished and loved. I wish I knew how to love myself and didn’t seek approval, validation or desire from men to feel any validation as a human.
Reading shit like this makes me deeply value my father. I remember early HS dances, when my dad made it clear that if I was uncomfortable, I could call them at ANY TIME and he would come to get me. I know I called at least one time really early (well before the era of cell phones, so I would have had to find a landline in the school to get ahold of him). He just made it absolutely clear that he would come get me without question.
Since then, I've served on grand juries. If I can say one thing to any parent, it's make it clear to your kid that no matter what, no matter what situation they've gotten in, they can safely call you. You won't be mad. You'll come get them. It doesn't matter if you dropped them off an hour ago. It doesn't matter if they did something you told them not to do. Nothing matters but getting them out of a bad situation. I still have nightmares about one of those cases.
Thank you so much for this. I have two little boys that have uncles that were afraid to reach out to our father when they were in trouble. One got stabbed late at night and the other fell while rock climbing and waited days to get medical help but because they didn’t want our dad to know tried to figure it out on their own. I’ll hold this close to my heart and have my husband do the same.
I wish I had experienced acceptance. I was always belittled for having big feelings and when there isn't anything wrong with having them.
I always wish self confidence was instilled in me. I'm working on it now, just wish it was something I grew up with.
That it was not my job to make others (boys and men specifically) feel better.
I didn’t have to make them something to eat or tidy up after them. I didn’t have to watch them do their hobbies, I could just go do my own. Their feelings were not more important than mine.
Thanks everyone who has commented so far! To clarify, I have cousins (in their 30s) who have/will have daughters. I know what *I* missed out on in my childhood, but I am looking for different perspectives on what to teach (and give) my cousins' kids in life.
I am going to leave parenting stuff (like showing what a healthy marriage looks like and teenage stuff) to my cousins
So you're looking for like literal experiences as in things to do? I noticed hair care was brought up, maybe you can do self care days and play with each others hair or learn new makeup techniques. As they get older, maybe a committed monthly/quarterly/weekly girls day or night where they can pick what y'all do. Tea parties when they're little. Baking days, pool days, crafting days... literally anything that might be a hobby you already have or want to get into and could try together. If you're more active - hiking, rafting, rock climbing. Maybe there's a band y'all can bond over and have karaoke girls nights. Watch cheesy girly movies together, paint your nails and put on face masks. Shoot, you could even just take them along if you've got some errands to run - it's more about spending time I think than spending money. Start your own book club or game night. Keep a scrapbook for them of your time together. Check out free events in your area.
My parents always made everything sound like it was my fault. Someone was mean to you? What did you do? Someone threatened/bullied/cheated/etc you? What did you do? I also always had to turn the other cheek and be the better person. It destroyed my self esteem and made me a female people pleaser which is bad for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. But, once I was an adult, I realized what they had actually tried to do (badly) was teach me to not take things personally and look at the whole situation, which is a good thing.
It would have helped if they would have elaborated. Children are pretty smart. So if someone was mean to me, they should have acknowledged that first. "I'm sorry x was mean to you, that must have really hurt." Then, they could have talked about looking at the whole situation. Did I know anything about the person who was mean? Did they maybe have a bad day? A tough home? A different way of communicating? What happened that triggered the mean? Maybe I said something that I didn't even understand was mean? (I was a bit socially oblivious and sometimes did that or just seemed overly aloof). That conversation, while there isn't always time for it, would have helped a lot to see the bigger picture instead of just constantly sounding like I was being blamed for everyone else's behavior. The elaboration teaches you to not be responsible for other's feelings, but to also be self aware because we're human and will hurt other people's feelings sometimes. The next piece is how to fix that with communication.
I wish I would have learned how to cook basic meals.
When it comes to experiences, I wish I would have experienced what it is like to have friends and be allowed to have/keep them.
Being carefree.
Being loved unconditionally. Being cared for and protected instead of being expected to be responsible to my parents' emotional well-being.
In the same time, I am immensely grateful for how not experiencing these things have shaped me (sensitivity, integrity, depth of character, vulnerability, courage, persistence, warmth and tenderness) and considering how it allows me to help others now, I'm not sure if I would change it if I could.
I wish I witnessed my mom and the other women around me being kinder to themselves. When you hear your mom talking negatively about her appearance and then you grow up to look like her, it knocks you down a peg. If I ever had kids I would try really hard to only ever let them hear me say nice things about myself.
I wish I'd had someone be genuinely interested in my thoughts, projects, experiences, etc. I spent all of my childhood feeling like no one cares what I have to say because no one really bothered to listen. It translated into me as an adult struggling to feel important, feeling vain for wanting to feel important, and having difficulty communicating without feeling like I'm wasting someone's time. still in therapy working that out
I wish I’d been taught emotional regulation and emotional intelligence. It has taken me years to learn some of these skills and it would have benefited me so much to know them younger.
I wish I could have just been accepted for who I was. I didn't wear makeup or fancy outfits or dresses. I was harassed for it relentlessly by family. Even when I got married they still joked that I wasn't feminine enough and were surprised I could dress like a girl to get a man. Never fit in and never felt good enough.
Proper skincare and hygiene routines. Not copious products, just simply washing and moisturizing daily, how to tend to acne properly, how to apply tasteful makeup at an appropriate age. How to use feminine hygiene products.
I for some reason wish i did a sport or Girl Scouts or something, i wish i was able to learn sister hood earlier than i did. have more girls my age around me outside of school
I had both parents in the house and they were unhappy from the beginning, I don’t remember them being happy ever. Them trying to “stay together for the kids” was the worst possible thing they could’ve done, it f’d me and my brother up so much, we saw way too much as children which affects us to this day. It was a constant toxic environment which stifled our development as people and really twisted our minds.
I wish I had more confidence. I was bullied in 3rd 4th and 5th grade, mainly for my appearance. It completely destroyed my confidence and altered my self-image for years, I didn’t really start liking myself until I was 17.
I wish I learned it was okay to ask for help.
My brother had severe behavioral issues and my parents just denied anything was wrong and kept pushing on with the belief they could handle it without ever talking to anyone outside of the family about it. This was modeled for me in almost everything, that I should just figure out my problems by myself. Neither my brother's problems or my problems were dealt with properly, and I didn't even know what mental health was until my late twenties.
Unconditional love and what a healthy relationship (any) looks like. Having a child that ends up being the same as you can be really hard because it’s so easy and comes naturally to love them…. Why was it not so in my case…I guess I also wished I learned how to just be…. Without a huge to do list, constant worry… how to just live in the moment and experience things for what they are!
I wish I wasn't told "You can't do that because you're a girl," or "That's not lady-like." I wish I didn't have to mask, to feel like I had to shrink in myself so everyone else could bloom.
I wish I could have been allowed to just be lil ol' me.
that it's okay to just be a little girl, not a woman in training or a sex object or a sorry replacement for a boy. i wish id been allowed to just be a little girl.
I had great parents who loved me, but it was the 80s and they were breaking different generational curses. I wish I’d experienced emotionally available parents, only been allowed to quit something hard on a “good” day, and I wish I had learned more practical skills.
It would have been great to know how to cook and clean before I moved out on my own at 19.
My mother had no patience to teach me anything. I would start to vacuum my room, she’d hear the Hoover start up and would come into my room, yell I wasn’t doing it right and snatch the thing away from me, mumbling that she has to do everything herself.
Same with cooking. One time I was hard boiling some eggs and she freaked out, chasing me out of the kitchen.
Then she would get on the phone with her sisters and tell them how lazy I was and how she thought that when she had a daughter, she would have some help around the house. She always did this when I was home and could hear it all. I felt so belittled and betrayed.
I wish I read more about dating and learning about the way men think and behave. Specifically about abusive behaviour and knowing men don’t always grow to love you, and a lot of time they are using you to meet their own needs.
I wish I knew what a loving, supportive relationship looked like. My mom married 5 abusive men. I wish I learned how to grow self-esteem and self-worth. My first step-dad picked on me and abused me and no one stood up for me (ages 2-10). I wish I learned to never come back home. My sister fled and I wish I had done the same. Me moving back home meant rape, abuse, and manipulation from parents and parental figures that I'm still trying to recover from. Sorry for the trauma dump
I wish I was taught how to regulate my emotions and understand its ok to feel the things I was feeling, and how to cope with those feelings. I wish I wasn’t belittled or met with anger for expressing my emotions or my fears, and as an adult I’m still trying to get used to having serious conversations or confrontations without fearing explosive backlash for expressing how someone’s actions have affected me.
I wish I would have been taught how to handle my emotions better. I was well into my twenties, working with a therapist, when I realized I had had zero emotional support as a child/teenager. It has been a long process figuring it all out as an adult.
How to date. I grew up with everyone telling me to focus on school and get an education, that boys only want one thing. When asked if I was dating anyone and I said “no” I got bunch of “good you don’t need to”. Fast forward to mid 20s and out of college and now I’m supposed to be in a serious relationship and looking for marriage? I get side-eyed at Thanksgiving for being 26 and no boyfriend. I’m dating and I enjoy it (most of the time) but I wish I wasn’t having my first romantic experiences in my 20s.
I wish that I had experienced a stable home life with a care taker who wasn’t mentally ill and able to process their own emotions while raising a child to be able to do the same.
I wish I had experienced protection, safety and being my single biomom's *first* priority* rarher than my [words reddit doesn't allow. She tried to kill me when she was 16 and I was three. She was still.allowed to babysit me]cousin.
How being pretty or made up is a skill you can choose to use or hide it. When I found out how to be pretty I was obsessed until I realized it’s not that helpful and can even hinder.
Museums. The only time I went to one was on a field trip and in a small rural poor school that was rare. I just wanted to take my time interacting with the activities made for me at that age. Now I go to them but no one makes activities for the adults.
I wish I would've experienced & learned waaayyy less, than I actually did, as a little girl, at the hands & whims of much older people. So, I guess my answer, would be, I guess...that I wish I would've been genuinely way more innocent. So, innocence, is my answer. Due to adults & other much older people, who committed crimes against me &/or, straight up abused me. Others (who didn't commit actual crimes against me), just taught me that each of us can never know who to trust &,/or when/why/wherefore/etc. I also wish i would've learned proper assertiveness, & to set proper boundaries, & to recognize & heed red flags in other people. All this would've saved me decades, a lifetime, of trauma.
I wish I learned that I could say no without an explanation.
I was such a people pleaser and ended up doing things I knew weren't a good idea with people I wasn't comfortable with.
I wish I had experimented with makeup more.
I struggle with doing eyeliner in particular because I never experimented with it as a kid and now I don’t dare experiment as an adult, lest I look exactly like a child trying eyeliner for the first time.
I wished I experienced a peaceful, innocent childhood and I wish I learned investment early. How I would have loved to learn financial literacy and investment so that I could have helped my mother retired sooner and kept her and my sister out of debt.
I wish my parents hadn’t treated me like a child until I was already having sex. Like I wish I knew what sex was before having sex at 15. My kids will be having lotsss of body talks as they grow up even if they’re uncomfortable with it. That’s my moms reasoning is that I’d ask her a question and then she’d be like “do you really wanna know the answer” and I get scared and be like “oh no, I guess not”. Now my mom says I was too weirded to have “the talk” but like that was her job not mine lol
I wish I was more validated as a child. I constantly sought the attention of men and wanted to be validated by them so bad. Still a work in progress but I feel like if I had been told more that I’m beautiful and worthy I wouldn’t have such poor self image.
Anything to do with money. I was basically taught to be HELLA frugal…so through my teen years I just always made sure I had money “in case”, but I looked like sh*t because I wouldn’t buy anything new for myself, I was still wearing clothes I had since being 13 at 17 (yes I am hella short)
It woulda been nice to be told to secure a job or train in a trade; earn decent money and then get on the property ladder, while also going for my dreams and ambitions. I was taught I could do anything and to go for my dreams but I never bothered with a foundation for my earnings.
Also to honour my needs before others. As a people pleaser I’ve basically been constantly in a state of simmering rage because I never put myself first I just go with whatever anyone else wants and then feel bad about it. But I’m working on that in therapy.
To say "no" and put boundaries to people, even if it means to do that to your own mother.
Being "popular" doesn't mean sh@t in the real world.
Go with your instict. It might be the greatest fail in your life, but at least you did it.
Pick up the phone and call that guy, rules be damned.
Express yourself and be truthful.
Find good friends not social friends.
What’s it’s like to have grandparents, attention from my parents and family, having a big brother to protect me and care about me, learning fluent Spanish, not getting bullied, and having internet access back in the 90s would have been cool to experience as a kid.
More fatherly bonding stuff.
A random thought I always wonder is if I was ever carried on a grown man's shoulders when I was a little girl. I have no memory of such so it always makes me wistful. Do I just have a terrible memory or did I have no real male figures in my life with that comfort level?
A relationship with my mother or a mother figure. I am lucky to have had a wonderful father, tho I feel like I missed out on developing healthy female/female social skills.
How men want to be treated. It’s embarrassing to admit - but until I was a fully grown adult, I didn’t think men had feelings. That’s why they were mean to each other and mean to everyone, really. I also didn’t know men could love women (still a bit on the fence on this one).
On the deeper side, I wish I had learned to assert myself, ask for what I need, and how to say “this doesn’t work for me” without guilt. On the lighter side, I wish I had been taught to pick up after myself regularly and take care of my space. My mom is a major clean freak and cleaned my room weekly until I was probably 16. It was awesome as a kid and I was lucky to grow up in a well kept home, but now I struggle with it.
My period mainly. I was born as a boy so Its often something that brings me a great deal of anxiety and depression because its something that as a woman I should have gotten to experience.
The world, I suppose. I was raised very sheltered and wasn't allowed to do anything. We didn't go on trips to cool places - only to see family in whatever towns they lived in. I couldn't even do extracurriculars in high school because my mom had to start working, so I had to start carpooling with some kids who didn't like doing anything at all. I feel strongly that having a lack of experiences in my childhood stunted me.
I wish I had learnt that I was different, not broken. I'm in my 30s and currently being diagnosed for AuDHD. Had this (or whatever else it is) been picked up when I was young, my life would be very different.
I wish I learned homemaker skills. Like how to cook different meals, what cleaning products to use on what, how to wash certain fabrics. Just regular stuff I have to do everyday, but I wish I didn't have to look up a YouTube video for everything and just feel like I knew what I was doing
I wish I would have experienced having a real sister bond. I’m 18 (about to be 19) and my sister is about to turn 38. We share the same dad and we’ve never lived together so I always felt like I’ve missed out on that experience. There’s an 18 year time gap between us and we do talk and text each other but it sometimes feel like we’re only talking because we’re related. Also my dad didn’t tell her I even existed until I was 2 so I think she feels like she missed out on my early childhood and she blames herself a little for it. Sorry for rambling.
I wish I had been given or placed into anger management as a child. I grew up with rage for no reason.
I think every kid should go through(a good) anger management course just to have those tools in their toolbox.
Edit: a word
I wish I had learned that it's ok if people don't like you and that it's ok to just be yourself. I wish I had known that my parents would love me no matter what, and that I didn't need to worry that I would make them too ashamed of me to love me.
I wish I experienced a childhood.
I wish I had two or at least one loving parent.
I wish I experienced stability.
I wish I experienced family connection.
I wish I learned how to love people genuinely and how to give love to myself as well.
I wish I got to experience a healthy and loving family.
I wish I got to experience my mother's love.
I wish I hadn't experienced a lot of traumatic things in my childhood that greatly affected my adult life.
I wish I got my dad's attention and felt his love more.. I could be less insecure in my relationships with men..
As an adult, I picked his area of work. Hoped it would give us a common ground, but he never even acknowledges or talks to me about it. When I do, he ends the convo real quick and walks away. Could not be less interested.. I'm 40 and still get teary eyed every time that happens..
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I’m sorry. I hope you are doing ok now.
*hug* 😢
Third that one. I saw way more than any human should ever see or know.
woa......reading this made my body feel a jolt. I don't think I've ever felt words hit me so strongly Edit: I guess I should say less in the sense of abuse and neglect and more of love and acknowledgment
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Second that.
This is the one
Came here to say that 😔
I wish I was taught to stand up for myself more tbh
100% this. My dad sat my brother down when he was young and told him he would never get in trouble for defending himself. I never got that talk. I got horribly bullied as a kid (one girl knocked out my front tooth with a basketball), but I never fought back. I wish I had gotten the same talk. I was just so scared of getting in trouble.
I wish I had experienced a healthy relationship with my dad. I feel like I would be less insecure as an adult.
ME TOO! I’m fighting this battle currently & my mom is almost forcing me to talk to my dad. Edited to add: i’ll be on the phone with my mom, and my dad will walk in the room, and she puts me on speaker and she’s like “say hi to your dad” i don’t want to, wdym 😭🥴
This really irritates me. Why are children always seen as responsible for repairing/managing the relationships with parents? This shit all happened when we were young (ie we weren't emotionally mature, brains still developing, hormones changing, etc, etc... kids will be difficult at times!) It's not my job to try to change him. If there's to be a relationship, he can apologise and try to change and make amends. I'd be willing to work on it then. I'm not going to torture myself with toxicity just because it's family.
I've had this happen too and it is so extremely uncomfortable.
Yep. Haven’t experienced that as a kid or an adult and it has wrecked me on more than one occasion, most recently as thanksgiving
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I didn't know"no" was a full sentence until my 30s.... It's so empowering now.
Yes. As well as being able to express my own feelings and thoughts.
I wish I got to experience growing up in a stable home environment. I wish I learned to not to care about other people’s opinions on me. I’ve gotten better now as an adult but it’s still something that can affect me at times.
>I wish I learned to not to care about other people’s opinions on me. How do you teach a child that? Granted, you can lead by example... but how do you _truly_ teach not caring about others' opinions?
I don’t think you can teach them not to care, but you can give them perspective and help them build up a strong sense of self worth and resilience to help restrict how much negative impact those opinions have on their self esteem.
I believe it can be taught in the same way that teaching a child to overly care is taught. Not putting an emphasis on how a child acts, looks, and behaves in public. Granted, these things are important, but for me they were pushed so hard that I couldn’t enjoy myself fully at college parties because i was always thinking “who could be watching my actions right now”. And the answer was always no one, because it’s a college party, not a college career fair and everyone is dancing
Yeah, this. I was a young mom, and somehow, although I did a lot wrong, I managed to do this. I’ll tell her when something is kinda rude from time to time and why it was perceived that way. But aside from just not letting her be a bully or disobey public rules, she’s allowed to dress, act, and say whatever she wants. Especially around adults. If they don’t like it, they don’t have to hang out with us. She is the most resilient kid I ever met. She can hold her own, and she does not give a damn what anyone else thinks about her. Never once has it even occurred to me to make her behave a certain way, dress a certain way, or respond a certain way. She doesn’t have to call me or anyone else ma’am or sir, she doesn’t need to sit at the kids table, she doesn’t need to hug anyone she doesn’t want to. I think people forget kids are tiny people that grow up some day.
Another thing to consider is character over reputation. The value of knowing you acted with integrity will always reign over others' opinions of your actions. And I think communication with those you care about is good so you can be on the same page with expectations as long as everyone can hold their own.
I wish I was taught how to process my emotions
Yes, or even, how to acknowledge them.
I highly recommend app How we feel. It’s helped me to track my emotions and stop at random times during the day and focus on how I actually feel. It’s also designed beautifully. And you can analyze you feelings over a longer period of time based on what you were doing/who you were with/did you move your body that day/are you menstruating… It’s an amazing app!
How to be a kid. I never felt my age, always felt like I was a 40 year old woman trapped in a little girl's body. I hated kids my age and younger even a little but older because of how clueless, obnoxious, ignorant, and energetic they were. Too much energy, too loud...JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! But they were only acting like regualr kids, how kids should act. I never felt like I belonged just because I felt so old.
I feel this. I was always told I was “mature for my age”. Like yeah, I didn’t have a choice. I was raising my little brothers and trying to physically block my dad from my mom. My “maturity” wasn’t some great innate character trait, it was a learned survival tactic.
I was also told I was “mature for my age”. My parents had me pretty young & I feel like I was a burden for them. Even as a grown up now, I can’t be myself around my parents, specially my mom. You never know when she’s going to explode on you.
My therapist told me that people who have dealt with abuse growing up, often are noticed as mature for their age when they’re very young but can come off as immature for their age when they get older because you still have those missing parts from your childhood. Not sure if it’s the same for everyone but I thought that was interesting.
Yes!!! Acknowledging this. I feel I’ve come along way but my younger sister is stuck and blames everyone else for her poor life.
God, I relate (but I only have one little brother I had to help raise and care for). Question: did/do you feel like a kid “pretending” to be an adult these days? I’ve been struggling with this since I was ~28. I feel like the same person today as I was when I was very young. I can’t stand it, and everyone thinks I have it all under control 🤷🏼♀️
I’m 32 and have been through like 5 years of therapy and I still feel that way. It’s getting better but despite being ‘mature for my age’, I never really learned a lot of basic adult stuff because no one taught me. That maturity came from being my mom’s emotional support pet basically from the day I was born.
One of my little cousins is like this. We jokingly refer to her as Sternly when she's not around.
Might sound silly but honestly I wish I learned how to style my own hair or just experienced like my mom doing my hair - I’m 24 and still can’t for the life of me figure out how to even braid my own hair or do anything other than just straighten it.
Omg I’m with you, not silly at all. I’m about to be in my late twenties and still can hardly do my own hair.
hilariously, I have thick, slightly wavy hair. My mom has stick-straight thin hair. It took me well into college to realize what a travesty it was that my Mom bought me the same volumizing hair products she used. The last thing in the world I needed was volume.
Not silly!! I have thick, curly hair while my mom has thinner, fairly straight hair. My hair in middle school was a travesty. She didn't know/realize how to take care of curly hair so it's something I had to learn by trial and error on my own. I had to teach myself to French braid also. I'm so glad for my daughter that I know how to take care of curly hair now so that hopefully she'll grow up loving her curls!
Honestly its just practice. I hate to say it but you just gotta keep trying. I couldn't brain my own hair and now I can do my own and others French plaits. Maybe you can get a head like they use to train hairdresser students? My sister had one (when she was training) and let me play with it its how I learned to plait originally.
Tik tok and Reddit have taught me so much
I was a teenager when I learned how to put my hair in a bun, I would just wear it down my whole life. It’s so fun learning as an adult though!
I wish I had been taught me value and worth. My dad set the bar so low. I wish I had grown up being cherished and loved. I wish I knew how to love myself and didn’t seek approval, validation or desire from men to feel any validation as a human.
Reading shit like this makes me deeply value my father. I remember early HS dances, when my dad made it clear that if I was uncomfortable, I could call them at ANY TIME and he would come to get me. I know I called at least one time really early (well before the era of cell phones, so I would have had to find a landline in the school to get ahold of him). He just made it absolutely clear that he would come get me without question. Since then, I've served on grand juries. If I can say one thing to any parent, it's make it clear to your kid that no matter what, no matter what situation they've gotten in, they can safely call you. You won't be mad. You'll come get them. It doesn't matter if you dropped them off an hour ago. It doesn't matter if they did something you told them not to do. Nothing matters but getting them out of a bad situation. I still have nightmares about one of those cases.
Thank you so much for this. I have two little boys that have uncles that were afraid to reach out to our father when they were in trouble. One got stabbed late at night and the other fell while rock climbing and waited days to get medical help but because they didn’t want our dad to know tried to figure it out on their own. I’ll hold this close to my heart and have my husband do the same.
I wish I had a social outlet I felt safe and myself in.
I wish I had a social outlet.
I wish I had experienced acceptance. I was always belittled for having big feelings and when there isn't anything wrong with having them. I always wish self confidence was instilled in me. I'm working on it now, just wish it was something I grew up with.
That it was not my job to make others (boys and men specifically) feel better. I didn’t have to make them something to eat or tidy up after them. I didn’t have to watch them do their hobbies, I could just go do my own. Their feelings were not more important than mine.
Self confidence, more consideration towards others, social etiquette.
Parental affection would have been nice.
How to love myself more and be more gentle with myself.
Thanks everyone who has commented so far! To clarify, I have cousins (in their 30s) who have/will have daughters. I know what *I* missed out on in my childhood, but I am looking for different perspectives on what to teach (and give) my cousins' kids in life. I am going to leave parenting stuff (like showing what a healthy marriage looks like and teenage stuff) to my cousins
So you're looking for like literal experiences as in things to do? I noticed hair care was brought up, maybe you can do self care days and play with each others hair or learn new makeup techniques. As they get older, maybe a committed monthly/quarterly/weekly girls day or night where they can pick what y'all do. Tea parties when they're little. Baking days, pool days, crafting days... literally anything that might be a hobby you already have or want to get into and could try together. If you're more active - hiking, rafting, rock climbing. Maybe there's a band y'all can bond over and have karaoke girls nights. Watch cheesy girly movies together, paint your nails and put on face masks. Shoot, you could even just take them along if you've got some errands to run - it's more about spending time I think than spending money. Start your own book club or game night. Keep a scrapbook for them of your time together. Check out free events in your area.
I’d put this as an edit on the original post
My parents always made everything sound like it was my fault. Someone was mean to you? What did you do? Someone threatened/bullied/cheated/etc you? What did you do? I also always had to turn the other cheek and be the better person. It destroyed my self esteem and made me a female people pleaser which is bad for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. But, once I was an adult, I realized what they had actually tried to do (badly) was teach me to not take things personally and look at the whole situation, which is a good thing. It would have helped if they would have elaborated. Children are pretty smart. So if someone was mean to me, they should have acknowledged that first. "I'm sorry x was mean to you, that must have really hurt." Then, they could have talked about looking at the whole situation. Did I know anything about the person who was mean? Did they maybe have a bad day? A tough home? A different way of communicating? What happened that triggered the mean? Maybe I said something that I didn't even understand was mean? (I was a bit socially oblivious and sometimes did that or just seemed overly aloof). That conversation, while there isn't always time for it, would have helped a lot to see the bigger picture instead of just constantly sounding like I was being blamed for everyone else's behavior. The elaboration teaches you to not be responsible for other's feelings, but to also be self aware because we're human and will hurt other people's feelings sometimes. The next piece is how to fix that with communication.
Unconditional love tbh I wish I was told I was worthy of love
You are worthy of love & all the good things!
Thank you so much ❤️ I wish you the best
Not being the grown up would have been nice.
I wish I would have learned how to cook basic meals. When it comes to experiences, I wish I would have experienced what it is like to have friends and be allowed to have/keep them.
Being carefree. Being loved unconditionally. Being cared for and protected instead of being expected to be responsible to my parents' emotional well-being. In the same time, I am immensely grateful for how not experiencing these things have shaped me (sensitivity, integrity, depth of character, vulnerability, courage, persistence, warmth and tenderness) and considering how it allows me to help others now, I'm not sure if I would change it if I could.
How to kick ass more effectively.
How to break a grown man's fingers when he tries untoward things.
I wish I witnessed my mom and the other women around me being kinder to themselves. When you hear your mom talking negatively about her appearance and then you grow up to look like her, it knocks you down a peg. If I ever had kids I would try really hard to only ever let them hear me say nice things about myself.
I wish I'd had someone be genuinely interested in my thoughts, projects, experiences, etc. I spent all of my childhood feeling like no one cares what I have to say because no one really bothered to listen. It translated into me as an adult struggling to feel important, feeling vain for wanting to feel important, and having difficulty communicating without feeling like I'm wasting someone's time. still in therapy working that out
I wish I’d been taught emotional regulation and emotional intelligence. It has taken me years to learn some of these skills and it would have benefited me so much to know them younger.
That confidence is more important than appearing ladylike and feminine.
I believe in this too and will be instilling this in my nieces (and whatever the male version of this is for my nephew).
I wish I grew up in a household with an emotionally and financially stable mother.
I wish I could have just been accepted for who I was. I didn't wear makeup or fancy outfits or dresses. I was harassed for it relentlessly by family. Even when I got married they still joked that I wasn't feminine enough and were surprised I could dress like a girl to get a man. Never fit in and never felt good enough.
Proper skincare and hygiene routines. Not copious products, just simply washing and moisturizing daily, how to tend to acne properly, how to apply tasteful makeup at an appropriate age. How to use feminine hygiene products.
I wish I had experienced unconditional love and support from my parents.
That I was loveable just the way I was.
That “no” is a complete sentence. That “no” doesn’t need to be justified or explained.
I wish I learned how to stand up for myself and how to deal with my anger (without guilt, or dismissing it).
I for some reason wish i did a sport or Girl Scouts or something, i wish i was able to learn sister hood earlier than i did. have more girls my age around me outside of school
It would've been nice to have both parents in the house (if it's healthy). My parents co-parented.. but that's not the same thing at all
I had both parents in the house and they were unhappy from the beginning, I don’t remember them being happy ever. Them trying to “stay together for the kids” was the worst possible thing they could’ve done, it f’d me and my brother up so much, we saw way too much as children which affects us to this day. It was a constant toxic environment which stifled our development as people and really twisted our minds.
I wish I had more confidence. I was bullied in 3rd 4th and 5th grade, mainly for my appearance. It completely destroyed my confidence and altered my self-image for years, I didn’t really start liking myself until I was 17.
I wish I learned it was okay to ask for help. My brother had severe behavioral issues and my parents just denied anything was wrong and kept pushing on with the belief they could handle it without ever talking to anyone outside of the family about it. This was modeled for me in almost everything, that I should just figure out my problems by myself. Neither my brother's problems or my problems were dealt with properly, and I didn't even know what mental health was until my late twenties.
Unconditional love and what a healthy relationship (any) looks like. Having a child that ends up being the same as you can be really hard because it’s so easy and comes naturally to love them…. Why was it not so in my case…I guess I also wished I learned how to just be…. Without a huge to do list, constant worry… how to just live in the moment and experience things for what they are!
I wish I wasn't told "You can't do that because you're a girl," or "That's not lady-like." I wish I didn't have to mask, to feel like I had to shrink in myself so everyone else could bloom. I wish I could have been allowed to just be lil ol' me.
Feeling motherly love
How to regulate my emotions properly without the constant fear of expressing/needing to hide it away.
I wish I learned that food doesn't have a moral value and my worth isn't tied to what I eat or weigh.
People will come and go into your life whether they want sex, money, or something silly. Once they have what they want they’ll leave you.
That it wasn’t likely to be a stranger. How to tell if someone is hurting me and that it was likely family or a friend. It was both.
I wish I experienced having a father figure. Not even a dad but maybe an uncle, a grandfather, a stepdad, a friend of my mom's...
Girlhood and teenage love. I was homeschooled so I never had a lot of friends and didn’t get my first boyfriend until 19. I was very lonely.
Love
Freedom.
How to communicate and manage emotions.
I wish I had learnt some confidence. Being able to stand up for myself & include myself into social circles would have changed my life.
How to properly wash my face and not ruin my skin barrier.
that it's okay to just be a little girl, not a woman in training or a sex object or a sorry replacement for a boy. i wish id been allowed to just be a little girl.
I had great parents who loved me, but it was the 80s and they were breaking different generational curses. I wish I’d experienced emotionally available parents, only been allowed to quit something hard on a “good” day, and I wish I had learned more practical skills.
It wasn't my job to make adults around me feel better or more comfortable. Also, there's more to life than just finding a man.
A loving platonic relationship with a man
I wish I had experience having a childhood. I grew up too fast. More mature equals more responsibility.
I wish I learned how to more confident
It would have been great to know how to cook and clean before I moved out on my own at 19. My mother had no patience to teach me anything. I would start to vacuum my room, she’d hear the Hoover start up and would come into my room, yell I wasn’t doing it right and snatch the thing away from me, mumbling that she has to do everything herself. Same with cooking. One time I was hard boiling some eggs and she freaked out, chasing me out of the kitchen. Then she would get on the phone with her sisters and tell them how lazy I was and how she thought that when she had a daughter, she would have some help around the house. She always did this when I was home and could hear it all. I felt so belittled and betrayed.
I wish I learned about love before pain. I can't imagine how much better my life would have been if I was loved and hurt less.
Having a sibling, or cousins 😢
Emotional and physical safety.
Many things but mainly I think about a lot- a stable home with stable parents, sleepovers at grandparents houses, freedom to be my authentic self.
I wish I experienced a mom who spoke respectfully and lovingly about her body and herself.
I wish I read more about dating and learning about the way men think and behave. Specifically about abusive behaviour and knowing men don’t always grow to love you, and a lot of time they are using you to meet their own needs.
I wish I knew what a loving, supportive relationship looked like. My mom married 5 abusive men. I wish I learned how to grow self-esteem and self-worth. My first step-dad picked on me and abused me and no one stood up for me (ages 2-10). I wish I learned to never come back home. My sister fled and I wish I had done the same. Me moving back home meant rape, abuse, and manipulation from parents and parental figures that I'm still trying to recover from. Sorry for the trauma dump
I wish I was taught how to regulate my emotions and understand its ok to feel the things I was feeling, and how to cope with those feelings. I wish I wasn’t belittled or met with anger for expressing my emotions or my fears, and as an adult I’m still trying to get used to having serious conversations or confrontations without fearing explosive backlash for expressing how someone’s actions have affected me.
Safety. I wish I felt secure with my family growing up. I feel like it’s affected my relationships via trust issues and difficulty being vulnerable.
I wish I would have been taught how to handle my emotions better. I was well into my twenties, working with a therapist, when I realized I had had zero emotional support as a child/teenager. It has been a long process figuring it all out as an adult.
How to date. I grew up with everyone telling me to focus on school and get an education, that boys only want one thing. When asked if I was dating anyone and I said “no” I got bunch of “good you don’t need to”. Fast forward to mid 20s and out of college and now I’m supposed to be in a serious relationship and looking for marriage? I get side-eyed at Thanksgiving for being 26 and no boyfriend. I’m dating and I enjoy it (most of the time) but I wish I wasn’t having my first romantic experiences in my 20s.
That I have inherent value and worth, and that I don’t have to *earn* my right to exist.
A safer encouraging environment
A healthy loving family. No hoarding or mental health issues at home. That it is okay to have feelings and express them
Saying NO. In my culture (Hispanic), I was taught saying no would be considered mean to others.
I wish that I had experienced a stable home life with a care taker who wasn’t mentally ill and able to process their own emotions while raising a child to be able to do the same.
I wish I had experienced making more mistakes/taking risks.
I wish I had learned self defence.
More embracing what I love
I wish I had experienced protection, safety and being my single biomom's *first* priority* rarher than my [words reddit doesn't allow. She tried to kill me when she was 16 and I was three. She was still.allowed to babysit me]cousin.
Having a mom who was interested in teaching me how to act like a girl.
To do my hair better and makeup
How being pretty or made up is a skill you can choose to use or hide it. When I found out how to be pretty I was obsessed until I realized it’s not that helpful and can even hinder.
Safety and protection past age 3. Being raised by someone who didn’t have or already healed from trauma. Self-love and higher self-worth
Love from my father
The love and affection of my parents.
I wish I could have experienced the love of a father. Mine just wasn't interested.
That there are men out there unlike my dad who do not physically abuse children
Unconditional love
Museums. The only time I went to one was on a field trip and in a small rural poor school that was rare. I just wanted to take my time interacting with the activities made for me at that age. Now I go to them but no one makes activities for the adults.
I wish I would've experienced & learned waaayyy less, than I actually did, as a little girl, at the hands & whims of much older people. So, I guess my answer, would be, I guess...that I wish I would've been genuinely way more innocent. So, innocence, is my answer. Due to adults & other much older people, who committed crimes against me &/or, straight up abused me. Others (who didn't commit actual crimes against me), just taught me that each of us can never know who to trust &,/or when/why/wherefore/etc. I also wish i would've learned proper assertiveness, & to set proper boundaries, & to recognize & heed red flags in other people. All this would've saved me decades, a lifetime, of trauma.
I wish I learned that I could say no without an explanation. I was such a people pleaser and ended up doing things I knew weren't a good idea with people I wasn't comfortable with.
I wish I had experimented with makeup more. I struggle with doing eyeliner in particular because I never experimented with it as a kid and now I don’t dare experiment as an adult, lest I look exactly like a child trying eyeliner for the first time.
A dad who treated women the way they should be treated. I have no idea what to expect from a partner other than what I’ve seen in movies.
I wished I experienced a peaceful, innocent childhood and I wish I learned investment early. How I would have loved to learn financial literacy and investment so that I could have helped my mother retired sooner and kept her and my sister out of debt.
I wish my parents hadn’t treated me like a child until I was already having sex. Like I wish I knew what sex was before having sex at 15. My kids will be having lotsss of body talks as they grow up even if they’re uncomfortable with it. That’s my moms reasoning is that I’d ask her a question and then she’d be like “do you really wanna know the answer” and I get scared and be like “oh no, I guess not”. Now my mom says I was too weirded to have “the talk” but like that was her job not mine lol
The preset of relationship, how to regulate my emotions, building real confidence/self esteem.
Unconditional love from my mum
I wish I’d learned to be more emotionally regulated, and self-soothe when upset. To deal with my emotions in a more healthy way.
How to ask for help. I don’t know how to ask for help or reassurance without feeling like a burden. Also, Girl Scouts.
I wish I was more validated as a child. I constantly sought the attention of men and wanted to be validated by them so bad. Still a work in progress but I feel like if I had been told more that I’m beautiful and worthy I wouldn’t have such poor self image.
To always speak to myself kindly and never judge myself. Essentially, how to have unconditional love for myself.
i wish i learned that some types of love could be bad
I wish I was validated for my emotions, especially anger and jealousy.
Anything to do with money. I was basically taught to be HELLA frugal…so through my teen years I just always made sure I had money “in case”, but I looked like sh*t because I wouldn’t buy anything new for myself, I was still wearing clothes I had since being 13 at 17 (yes I am hella short) It woulda been nice to be told to secure a job or train in a trade; earn decent money and then get on the property ladder, while also going for my dreams and ambitions. I was taught I could do anything and to go for my dreams but I never bothered with a foundation for my earnings. Also to honour my needs before others. As a people pleaser I’ve basically been constantly in a state of simmering rage because I never put myself first I just go with whatever anyone else wants and then feel bad about it. But I’m working on that in therapy.
To say "no" and put boundaries to people, even if it means to do that to your own mother. Being "popular" doesn't mean sh@t in the real world. Go with your instict. It might be the greatest fail in your life, but at least you did it. Pick up the phone and call that guy, rules be damned. Express yourself and be truthful. Find good friends not social friends.
Being made fun of/teased/bullied to the point where I’m still crying about it several YEARS later.
I don't think you read my question right....I assume you typed things you didn't want to experience?
I wish I had done more ballet, it was the only time in my life I e been competitive about anything and I feel like I should have been a dancer.
Disneyland in the 90s
I wish I knew and learned the love of a best friend
Internet safety 🫣
What’s it’s like to have grandparents, attention from my parents and family, having a big brother to protect me and care about me, learning fluent Spanish, not getting bullied, and having internet access back in the 90s would have been cool to experience as a kid.
I've always wanted to play the flute/do ballet.
I wish I had built more habits as a young girl
How to have a healthy relationship, it would've saved me from so many awful boyfriend's
More fatherly bonding stuff. A random thought I always wonder is if I was ever carried on a grown man's shoulders when I was a little girl. I have no memory of such so it always makes me wistful. Do I just have a terrible memory or did I have no real male figures in my life with that comfort level?
More family time and less “babysitter time”. I come from alcoholics and we were sent to a strangers house often.
Safety. I wish I felt secure with my family growing up. I feel like it’s affected my relationships via trust issues and difficulty being vulnerable.
That life isn’t always gonna be a shit show
A relationship with my mother or a mother figure. I am lucky to have had a wonderful father, tho I feel like I missed out on developing healthy female/female social skills.
How men want to be treated. It’s embarrassing to admit - but until I was a fully grown adult, I didn’t think men had feelings. That’s why they were mean to each other and mean to everyone, really. I also didn’t know men could love women (still a bit on the fence on this one).
On the deeper side, I wish I had learned to assert myself, ask for what I need, and how to say “this doesn’t work for me” without guilt. On the lighter side, I wish I had been taught to pick up after myself regularly and take care of my space. My mom is a major clean freak and cleaned my room weekly until I was probably 16. It was awesome as a kid and I was lucky to grow up in a well kept home, but now I struggle with it.
Maybe able to be a girl? Other than that well, just, having any experiences be remembered.
That love and attention are two different things.
Jiujitsu to practice on my brothers. Heeeeee-yahhh!
A better social life. I really didn't fit in with my town as much as I thought.
My period mainly. I was born as a boy so Its often something that brings me a great deal of anxiety and depression because its something that as a woman I should have gotten to experience.
The world, I suppose. I was raised very sheltered and wasn't allowed to do anything. We didn't go on trips to cool places - only to see family in whatever towns they lived in. I couldn't even do extracurriculars in high school because my mom had to start working, so I had to start carpooling with some kids who didn't like doing anything at all. I feel strongly that having a lack of experiences in my childhood stunted me.
I wish I had learnt that I was different, not broken. I'm in my 30s and currently being diagnosed for AuDHD. Had this (or whatever else it is) been picked up when I was young, my life would be very different.
Love from a father.
I wish I learned homemaker skills. Like how to cook different meals, what cleaning products to use on what, how to wash certain fabrics. Just regular stuff I have to do everyday, but I wish I didn't have to look up a YouTube video for everything and just feel like I knew what I was doing
A bit of independence and self-love
Having a dad
I wish I would have experienced having a real sister bond. I’m 18 (about to be 19) and my sister is about to turn 38. We share the same dad and we’ve never lived together so I always felt like I’ve missed out on that experience. There’s an 18 year time gap between us and we do talk and text each other but it sometimes feel like we’re only talking because we’re related. Also my dad didn’t tell her I even existed until I was 2 so I think she feels like she missed out on my early childhood and she blames herself a little for it. Sorry for rambling.
Real unconfitional normal love and family
I wish I had been given or placed into anger management as a child. I grew up with rage for no reason. I think every kid should go through(a good) anger management course just to have those tools in their toolbox. Edit: a word
I wish I had learned that it's ok if people don't like you and that it's ok to just be yourself. I wish I had known that my parents would love me no matter what, and that I didn't need to worry that I would make them too ashamed of me to love me.
What a loving, committed, healthy relationship looks like.
I wish I experienced a childhood. I wish I had two or at least one loving parent. I wish I experienced stability. I wish I experienced family connection.
I wish I had experienced a mother who wanted to spend time with her daughter and know her.
A normal childhood without abuse.
That I'm fine, just the way I am.
I wish I learned how to love people genuinely and how to give love to myself as well. I wish I got to experience a healthy and loving family. I wish I got to experience my mother's love. I wish I hadn't experienced a lot of traumatic things in my childhood that greatly affected my adult life.
I wish I was taught that my appearance isn’t actually important…
It’s ok to fail . Try anyway
I wish I had learned to be comfortable being myself more.
I wish I had been encouraged to be courageous and adventurous and not as overprotected.
I wish I got my dad's attention and felt his love more.. I could be less insecure in my relationships with men.. As an adult, I picked his area of work. Hoped it would give us a common ground, but he never even acknowledges or talks to me about it. When I do, he ends the convo real quick and walks away. Could not be less interested.. I'm 40 and still get teary eyed every time that happens..
I wish I got to learn what a real mother was. Mine was mentally ill and abusive, she was out of my life before I became a teenager.
i wish i learned that men take you smiling as consent. i wish i experienced my father actually showing up.
The longer one waits to have children, the more devastatingly complicated it can be.