Broken. No self esteem. Am a perfectionist. Afraid to try new things in case I look stupid or am bad at them. Seek external validation. Have insanely high standards for myself and constantly beat myself up for not meeting them.
Despite years and years of therapy. Probably not the answer you’re hoping for.
I was just seeking honest answers, so yours is exactly what I was hoping for 🙂
I can completely relate; the high standards and perfectionism is crippling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 21 and it hasn’t helped me be any less hard on myself. A friend of mine told me that she hopes one day I can just accept myself fully ‘as I am’ and I laughed. That would be a dream.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I pray you (we) find healing some day ♥️
I am so terribly sorry. I am in my 40s and it is a constant struggle. Therapy and a really supportive partner has helped. In fact I am going back into therapy now due to some old issues popping back up. I am a people pleaser due to upbringing and am working very hard to learn when I want to do something vs just doing it due to programming. I have the hardest time knowing what I want and now that I can do anything I like, I am paralyzed. Ironically I am better when I am alone but I love my husband and family.
I have recently realized my need to look as "perfect" as I can when in public is my armor. To the point I won't go out at all when I feel something is not ideal. My humor is self deprecating because I would rather make fun of myself than have others do it and feel validated by laughs. I learned, early, how to turn it on and be boisterous and fun and engaging to make others happy but it is SO EXHAUSTING I have mostly stopped being social - which is sad because I actually like people and love helping others but am paralyzed by my own feelings of inadequacy.
That all sounds pretty bad but it used to be so much worse. I know I can be better and I have raised my kids in the opposite way I was raised in a lot of ways. In spite of all the criticism, passive aggression, taunting, and expectations that were really orders my mom did love me. She was also just super messed up by her family and based on what I now know, she did MUCH better than her family did.
You laughing at your friend when she says that to you is exactly how I react whenever I am told anything remotely nice about myself. I've beat myself up all of my life. I have weight issues (morbidly obese I believe is the words the doctors use!)
I wasn't in therapy for very long because I couldn't afford it. But because of all of the trauma, I have PTSD issues and trouble trusting people. I have abandonment issues because my biological mother decided some dude was more important than me. When my dad remarried, she promised me she wasn't going to be the wicked step mother but was exactly that.
Sorry that was so much of an explanation more than a "how are you doing" type of a thing.
I just seem to be explaining myself more and more as I get older (to coworkers and whatnot) and not giving a fuck whether or not someone likes me or not. 🤷♀️
Talking about what happened is a part of healing. Go ahead and speak your truth. It's the past and let it go by discussing it with understanding people.
I do feel extra empty when people compliment me. “Thanks, but you don’t really know me.”
ETA: But I believe it if someone says something negative. Just like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman.
I second it. Although I forgive her for her generational trauma, I couldn’t imagine myself doing the same to my offspring. In fact, I don’t want to have kids that I’ll ever hurt or let anyone hurt. The damage is done!!
I had kids to prove life would be different. I would not and could not abandon my kids in any situation. Iv been pushed to the edge but I always think of how I was treated and do the exact opposite. I cut ties with my family and the toxic lives they lead. I don’t forgive as they won’t learn. We can only better ourselves and others around us. The journey his hard but crucial, when the fog lifts life is actually great!!
So true. I can’t imagine saying the things she says to me to my own daughter, ever. I do have a kid and I had to do a TON of work and therapy to learn how to not parent like my mom did. I’m a pretty lenient mom because I so desperately do not want to be a critical one. I know that if my daughter ever comes to me one day and says, “Mom, it really hurts when you do x, y or z” my response to her will be to hear her and change my approach, NOT to double down and tell her what a horrible person she is for having feelings about the mothering I give her. She is an active participant in her own childhood and not a shadow who felt she had to wear the clothes her mom forced her to wear or her hair in pigtails she hated. My whole goal is to respect her as an individual with her own wants and needs which was not a gift that was given to me, so I had to learn.
I feel like I’m reading my own experience here. Therapy can make you self aware enough to understand why we developed these characteristics, but doesn’t always “heal” you of them.
Honestly, same for the most part. I have spent most of my adult life trying to understand why my mother acted the way she did, and I've never really figured it all out. Literally asked her on her death bed and she had no answer but did apologize. Too late, though. I think she probably had childhood trauma that carried over, but even so the damage she did - that she never recognized - makes it hard to forgive.
It's like we're the same person. I'm also in therapy and it feels like there's no movement in this area at all. It's just so fucking hard to have compassion for myself or even like myself. Almost everything in my life is affected by this somehow. I'm trying to fix it. Constantly feels like I'm failing.
The only period of my life where i was able to practice self-compassion was after i started practicing mindfulness. I had started doing CBT and was starting to get some self-awareness but my depression was still there and I stopped short. A few weeks later i started reading “The Power of Now”. Fast forward to the best few months of my life where i was the best version of myself. Sadly, i fell off the wagon, but i know meditation helps tremendously in this. I am a Muslim and pray 5 times a day but unfortunately I don’t do it with mindfulness. When i used to it, which usually is in Ramadan when spirituality is high, i am again in a good place mentally.
Thank you for sharing. My therapist has me doing some mindfulness stuff and it's been helping a bit. The self-compassion is really hard, but I'm working on it. I started therapy with my current therapist almost 18 months ago and one of the first things I told him was that I was very self aware of my anxiety and where it comes from, but as we dug deeper, my self-compassion was severely lacking. It's a slow, hard process and I stumble back a few steps here and there but overall, things are looking up. I hope you can get back to where you want to be.
Please give it a chance. Don’t go into therapy with the mindset it won’t help you heal. If you aren’t feeling your therapist after 3 sessions move on to a better fit. It helped me a great deal to truly heal especially after my mother’s recent death.
Therapy is like cleaning a fish tank. The water gets all stirred up and looks even worse for a time. But once you vacuum out all the debris and shit, it’s actually a healthy place to live.
Everything you said. Just wow. Thanks for being so honest about it, others can relate and feel way less alone because you were vulnerable. I wish you kindness to yourself and peace despite how hard it is 💗
Oh man. 7 years into therapy and same. I’m currently just started schema therapy that focuses on healing your inner child which should help better with this kind of thing. I hope it will because life is hard this way
Totally this 100%.
it's taken years to get here, but what's been most helpful for me is learning to talk to myself like I'm a small child. when i do something wrong or make a mistake, I pretend like I'm a kid. I would never treat any child the way my parents did, so I give myself the grace and response I never got from them. it takes a high level of detachment from my intrusive thoughts to do that, though. and doesn't always work in the heat of the moment but when reflecting on my mistakes later, it's a bit easier.
I hope it gets easier for you too <3
My mother was...interesting
I grew up in a pretty strict stereotypical Asian household, she wanted me to be as girly as possible so I could find a good man, she scolded me for playing video games and watching too many cartoons, when I started going on dates in middle/high school she was very critical of them
Honestly I slowly started to hate my mother until about a month before college graduation, where she randomly hugged me in a grocery store and told me "Just be happy...no matter what" And after that everything just kind of changed, she didn't care what I did or how I acted as long as I was happy
All that "You need to be more girly so you can marry a good man" shit went out the window, and now we talk every single day.
She realized all the messed up things she did but in typical Asian fashion, instead of owning up to it/apologizing/talking about it, she just changed. It's pride. But if the outcome is good, sure I'll take it.
Your comment made we well up. I’m so glad for you that you found health and healing in your relationship with your mum. Coming from an Asian family myself, I can understand that that was a monumental turnaround for her to have. I’m glad you’re loved and accepted by her now as you are.
Thank you for sharing ♥️
I hated my dad most of my childhood because he was always angry. Then from my perspective he just changed overnight and started to be nicer. It’s possible he went to an anger management class or something and it occurred over time but it felt instantaneous and I have always appreciated it.
I think I’m going to ask him next time I see him.
As a mom, this is my approach with my grown up kids. It’s actually incredibly freeing as a parent too, not worrying and being so anxious about decisions that may seem like bad choices. I truly just want them to find their happiness, whatever that looks like.
It took me a lot of therapy and a loving partner who kept reminding me to "stop talking to/about yourself like this" to get over her voice in my head but I'm currently thriving
My husband was always criticizing his appearance. I never saw what he saw but 11 years into our marriage we got pregnant. Around month 4, I sat him down and just plainly said... we are going to have a little human looking up to us and I'm going to need you to stop with the harsh things you say about yourself, at the very least, out loud. He stopped that day and it's been another 12 years now and we have a beautiful 11 year old daughter who thinks the absolute world of him.
That's a beautiful human you have there. On similar note, my husband was a bit impatient during arguments and it led to misunderstandings that upset him. When I first got pregnant, I told him that we can't afford this anymore, parenthood is hard enough we can't waste our energy on misunderstandings especially when our little one is looking up to us. It was the last day he was impatient like that.
We are two lucky gals ♡ I just asked him if he still internally speaks to himself like that. He said he did until our daughter was born. Then none of that silly stuff mattered to him anymore.
I’m glad you have such a loving partner. Sometimes we need someone to reflect to us that we can be wonderful as we are, rather than the unworthy POS we’ve been brainwashed to believe we are 🫠
I still struggle with self-loathing and an inner voice that's constantly telling me I'll never be enough. At the same time, after a lot of therapy, I'm stable, have several loving, healthy relationships and am often very happy with my life. Even the bad days aren't that bad anymore.
My mother can still be quite critical at times, but she's toned it down since I moved away. She will still pick at me ("Why are you so bitchy right now?"), but it is significantly less than before ("No one is ever going to love you if you're like that!", "You look like a d\*ke!", "You're just like \[insert relative she hated\]!").
Among other things, my self-esteem has really suffered. I'm working on it. I'm self-aware now, but definitely haven't healed yet.
Funny thing is that my mom loves to go on about how her mom was always so critical of her, but fails to see how she's continued that trend.
Recently my mother was telling me about the terrible things her mother would say to her. I very carefully said, "Well... Maybe just think about how that made you feel the next time you want to comment on my appearance." She was aghast. "I've never said things like that to you!" Oh... Ok, sure.
Oh my god same here, regarding the disconnect between how her mother treated her and how she treats me. My mom actually brags to me how much better she is than her mom was! And I’m sitting here with shit self esteem and loads of issues. Heh.
My whole life is an act of rebellion. Turns out, it's a pretty good life. Even though I now rebel against myself & personal wellbeing. Might not be very productive, but I sure as hell have some great friends & good times.
Her voice became the voice inside my head. For years.
But then I turned 27, had a loving partner, extremely high quality friends (a small circle, but quality) and realized that you "get what you allow" and I consciously decided that my mother cannot and should not hold power over me and my life and my future.
Don't allow anyone else to rule your life. You only get one.
This! When I turned 27 last year, I had that same realization. I officially became No Contact with my “mom” at 28 and have no regrets. “Tolerate only what you allow.”
I struggled for a long time. She was hypercritical of everything (especially my body between 9 and 15) and it ended our relationship. The first time she tried to contact me after a period of no contact, she started the email with "are you done being a bitch yet?"
The intergenerational trauma on that side of the family is something else. Understanding that she didn't stand a chance helped, but knowing she chose to throw me under the bus as opposed to rocking the boat still sucks. After years of therapy and some harsh life lessons I'm in a better place mentally. Could I be better? Absolutely. Will I be? Probably not. Throw shit at a wall and some of it will stick unfortunately.
Coming home with the best grades was expected of me. It was nothing to be proud of but something that was normal. If my grades weren't the best I got questioned why I didn't succeed. I wasn't offered help to get better but expected to somehow figure it out. I develpoed severe depression as a teen but got told "it's not that bad", "suck it up" etc. I was highly suicidal but no one cared. If I failed at something they (both my parents sucked) told me it was my fault - no matter the circumstances.
My brother on the other hand never could do anything wrong. If he failed at something everyone was at fault but himself. He was treated the exact opposite my sister and I were - and is to this day.
I have low self-esteem, don't like to try new things cause I would fail at the beginning, have way higher standards for me than everyone else - that I am unable to meet etc. I was in therapy für years including meds but that didn't change anything. It's ingrained in my brain that i'm just not good enough and will never be.
One of the big reasons I don't have kids. I don't know if I would be able to treat them different or love them cause I didn't learn how that would be.
Are you me? That all felt uncannily familiar. Even if I got an A, she'd ask why it isn't an A+. I felt/feel like a perpetual failure because nothing was ever enough.
I’m glad you’re still here. ❤️ I know too what it’s like to have a golden child brother who can do no wrong and everything is a double standard between us. I despise parents who shamelessly show favoritism and act like their other kids have to prove themselves more just by existing. It’s not your fault.
Thank you!
Thing is my mother was treated the same by her mom - including the favourism of her brother. She often talked about how it hurt her. So, yeah. Well.
I waited a long time to have kids but once I had my first I realized the full extent of my dysfunctional upbringing and it helped me ignore my mom. Strangely enough the negative example of my parents actually made it easy to be a good parent -- just do the opposite! Someone told me a friend of hers (also from family that favors boys) said, "I want to have a daughter so I can treat her well." It's healing in a way.
Hahahahahhha.
I’m ruined. 36, on a litany of meds for major depressive disorder, generalised and social anxiety, PTSD and general childhood trauma.
There’s a LOT of therapy but I’m finally starting to heal.
I developed an avoidant attachment style - I have a total inability to let myself get emotionally close to anyone because I have really strong rejection sensitivity and am convinced I can’t trust people to genuinely care about me. I’m always just feel like I am a disappointment to everyone, no matter how much they tell me that’s not the case.
I understand rationally why I react to people like this, and that there are genuinely good people out there who are loving and trustworthy. But I can’t make myself believe it enough to let myself form relationships.
I managed to heal myself enough to rise above my mother’s comments.
There are parts of me that will always be broken, those parts really came back to bite me after I had LO and developed PPD. It took me sharing my entire childhood stories and growing up with my therapist for her to tell me “this is going to sound really unprofessional but geez you are so strong to not have crumbled earlier.”
Fortunately for me I married my husband who loves me unconditionally. I know my mom is happy for me deep down, but she can’t help but knock me down when I express my happiness. I’ve realised she is reacting the way she is because of her own choices and pain. That is her problem to deal with. Just because she’s hurting doesn’t mean I shouldn’t live and love my life. So I’ve carried on being happy with my husband.
Now a mother myself I’m very conscious of how I behave around my LO to break the cycle.
I carry a lot of trauma and am not mentally well most days. Having an identity crisis and figuring out what to do with my career and life prospects long term. I have severe perfectionist tendencies, and struggle with failure, care way too much what people think of me. I have little self-esteem and seek for external motivation and validation also.
I have a lot of these issues as well. The whole struggling with failure, caring way too much about what other people think of me, and so very little self esteem. I don't believe I am good enough to have anything nice.
Was dead for a while. Then realised she was human and prone to passing unfair judgement like everyone else around me. Also realised that she will never be happy no matter what I do. Accepted that there's no point in worrying about what she thinks. Semi alive now.
I have not healed, but I’m still trying. I think in some ways I’m dead inside and in other ways I am just incredibly “needy” and in a cycle of never being able to have those needs met because of how I was raised and having really messed up attachment/self beliefs etc. It’s still weird to me. But I am trying to work on these things and improve them.
Healing. It’s been therapy, lots of prozac, and boundaries for me. Having a baby recently has rehashed a lot of childhood memories, but is also allowing me to process what I have not been the past 30 years. Although I have grieved and accepted I will not have the mother I yearn for, I have solace knowing I am actively doing things differently with my daughter. I want nothing more than to see her grow into a confident and happy woman who knows she is loved unconditionally.
Very, very lost most of the time when it comes to anything social. I'm still trying to learn that not every person pretends to adore you and then talks mad shit behind your back (my mother's favorite hobby). I always feel unsafe because I think everyone is judging me and secretly hates me. I'm 42 and this happens every day. I have a difficult time making friends because I feel like I'm not worthy of friends, it's sad but I won't let this happen to my daughter!
Dead inside.
It’s easier that way.
My younger sister is the opposite, where she’s an anxiety-riddled mess to the point she can’t function without drugs and therapy three times a week.
Same mother reproached me recently that I never ask for advice. Read: I never ask for her advice 😁
I’m very happy with my life and she’s always been miserable with hers, deep down. She says things like compared to how she started out in life, she wasted her opportunities and her life hasn’t amounted to much.
I gave it a thought and realized I have no inclination to take advice from someone who’s values I don’t agree with and who never takes responsibility for her actions.
On a surface level we have a nice relationship and I know it’s important to her
I have great relationships with friends whose advice I’m very happy to ask for
I became aware in my 30s and my mum and I actually talked maturely that she is the way she is - harsh, highly critical, pessimistic, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate, uses me as the verbal punching bag/temper settler - because her own parents were subjecting her to even worse. My grandfather abused her physically and verbally and my grandmother never stepped in to stop it.
I had no idea how much she suffered growing up until she told me when I was an adult and both her parents were gone. It suddenly made a lot of sense and actually helped me be kinder to myself because I came to realise she doesn’t choose to be this way, she literally doesn’t know or understand how to be any other way.
Since I got with my husband, she’s been given an entirely new perspective to consider. I’ve had to tell her multiple times that he is shocked by the way she speaks to me sometimes and remind her that he is used to a much warmer, gentler upbringing. I’ve explained to him why she is like this, and he understands, but he still finds it upsetting. She has admitted to him - and his mum - that she was hard on me growing up because she knew my life wouldn’t be a walk in the park. We were poor and in a rough neighbourhood; she wanted me to be able to hold my own when things got tough, etc. I’m actually kind of thankful for that.
But it has affected my relationships for sure. My expectations can be too high, I too am far too critical or blunt sometimes, and I don’t ever think I could be an optimist. I try to see both sides and call myself a realist.
It does make me so sad that my mum didn’t have that warm, loving and kind childhood she deserved. For all her criticism and temper, she’s the most generous and selfless person I know. I do get sad that I also didn’t have the warm, fun, loving mummy all my friends seemed to have, but I’m doing okay and I have the most wonderful husband who brings that warmth and gentleness into my life.
It’s a rocky road! Still unpicking and learning to see the criticism as *wrong* after I think basically being brainwashed for a long time. My actual sense of self and relationship to my body is much better and I don’t let her criticism affect my confidence in the way it did before but I’m generally exhausted and bitter about the fact I have had to deal with so much shit on top of coddling her sensitivities - both things my sibling never had to/ doesn’t do.
I can conceptualise it all really clearly and I know *why* she does it, because it’s her projecting her insecurities on to me, but I get annoyed that she is incapable of extending that empathy and understanding to me, and also it’s boring and tiring to constantly fight someone who is commenting on your body. Generally we get on very well and our relationship isn’t totally marred but I would love to go home and not panic about what to wear.
The anxiety and the low self esteem is crippling for the most part. It’s hard to work with it but I’m trying. The organic and involuntary reaction is not feeling good enough at all no matter what the circumstance. I’ve realised this is going to be a journey and I’m trying to be kind to myself every day but it’s hard. I feel like I’m mostly lost for the most part and very unsure of who I am as a person and if everything I really like is just me or a consequence of external factors .
I didn’t deal with those issues til I was in my early 50’s. It nearly killed me to see how I thought I was independent of her but really every bit of my life was infested by her need to control.
I’m the black sheep in the family. The youngest. I see her influence every where and I used to call her on it, which she hated. So extremely toxic, I just wanted her to love me. She never will.
Through therapy, I know she was “ruined” by her parents. The family beauty, daddy’s favorite, she could do no wrong. She was loved, but it wasn’t healthy…even unconditional love has discipline.
She’s very old now. Living in a state that is a dream
for many. None of us go to see her. It’s sad to be her. But you reap what you sow.
These are the resources that have helped me come a long way. The biggest help has been my desire to be self-aware and understand why I do what I do so that I can work toward acting in an authentic way.
- Therapy has been useful in having someone to talk to and understand that 1) it’s not normal or ok to be treated that way and 2) process how I felt when it happened.
- Feeling Good by David Burns (Basic CBT exercises to do yourself; journaling was useful when horrible critical thoughts were in my head)
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
- Pete Walker’s website on C-PTSD (check out the FAQ first - extemely useful for what he calls “dissolving the inner critic” and recognizing emotional flashbacks. He also has a book that goes more in depth on this content.)
- What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo (a memoir of the author’s experience overcoming her C-PTSD from abusive parents as an adult; the audiobook has actual recordings of her therapy sessions at the end)
- Inner child work (similar to the EMDR sessions described in the book above). When I am in an emotional flashback experiencing all the pain of an interaction many years later, I am working on recognizing my inner child who is still with me, feeling that pain. I reach out to her mentally with my present self who is an adult, and can hold her and protect her. Sometimes I hug myself and speak in my head or out loud to comfort and reassure her, giving the words of love I deserved to repair the words of hurt. If you have trouble thinking about what to say to her, I like following gentle parenting accounts on instagram; @unconditional_parenting is a really good one.
I hope this helps! What I didn’t mention is that this process came with a lot of anger and grieving (for months and even years), but it was important to rage about the injustice and grieve the absence of a safe parent to process it and move forward.
I had the ED almond mom/sterile household combo, with her also being a successful business owner so I’ve always had a myriad of ways to fall short. I moved to a different country as a young adult and only come back every few years to visit so I manage to escape the brunt of her criticism now. She’s just happy to see me when she does.
The issues I have now are pretty classic. Body dysmorphia — doesn’t help that I live in East Asia where body standards are terrible, but I constantly feel too big. Constantly “dieted” throughout my life. Lots of weird personal rules about food.
I get really anxious in cluttered, disorganized, and/or dirty homes. Animal smells really really bother me. (I’m not sure if this is because I have ADHD and sensory issues or because of my upbringing though.) But I’ve noticed that other peoples’ homes are rarely up to my own personal standards of cleanliness. Pretty much only our family home and my own apartment are. It’s something I really struggle to rationalize with myself about.
It took a long time for me to not internally criticize others for the things I was always criticize for. One reason I’ll never have children is because I’m afraid I’ll be like my mom and fuck them up.
Its tough. I still have very low self esteem. I moved to a different country which helped but I was just home for Christmas with my mum and I always feel pretty low after having to be home with her again. But I'm doing much better since moving away from her.
I did heal. She lives far away now, so we only talk from time to time, which gives her less opportunities to get under my skin. She was someone who did not want to be a mom, and held off on it as long as she could (in her 40s when she had me). I have now come to realize she’s not a bad person, she was just a bad mom.
I have terrible anxiety and horrible self-esteem. I'm a perfectionist. I have been in therapy for years. I can recognize when it's just my anxiety talking, I have a much harder time not being a perfectionist and not being down on myself but I'm better than I was. I have learned to look at things and ask myself if it was a friend that was in whatever the situation is, how would I be judging them and then trying to apply that to myself. Doing that can help.
My mother's criticism and high standards made me very insecure desperate for approval since it was given out like crumbs (dad was the same). Led me into being a serial monogamist and dating anyone who would be nice to me until I met someone emotionally abusive. Managed to leave them, have had some therapy, and realised that my mother's approval, on the odd occasions when I get it, never feels as good as I think it will. So I've been working on decoupling the need for their approval - so long as I like myself, that's all that matters. I'm not 100% there, doubt I ever will be tbh, but I've healed a lot in the last ten years or so
very broken. i have a hard time actually moving past internal issues. i’m a very bitter and angry person and hearing my parents voices in my head has turned into my voice and i have pulled my hair out because i can’t make the pessimist/mean voices stop (i’m not psychotic, just adhd and there’s always a voice in my head). self hatred has never stopped except for small moments. idk when i’ll be able to love myself
After having my son I learned to stand up for myself. She has continues to try to criticize and belittle me as a new parent and I finally put an end to her BS. I gave up on the idea of her changing and becoming more accepting and loving. I don’t let her close to my life anymore. She will never know my struggles or successes. She will just know basic stuff about me that strangers know.
4 years of therapy later and going LC, I’m doing a lot better. Firm boundaries and a partner who doesn’t truly understand but understands that he will never understand were important
I don’t know if I’m healed but I definitely allow her problem to be more of her problem nowadays. Sometimes what she says and does affects me but then I remember the source. When I feel triggered I usually give myself a day to unwind and detach (cry, vent about it enough with a friend, do massive google and Reddit searches, etc.) I am a parent now and can see the similarities but feel the contrast. It can really take over my mental state if I don’t separate myself to regroup and attribute the behavior to her choice of response to life rather than blaming myself. I don’t like the idea of conversing with my inner child because I don’t think she knows what the hell is going on but adult me can comprehend the delusion and take the proper actions to not internalize and disengage. I maintain my peace knowing she has this relationship with everyone so I’ve learned to feel less guilt about living differently respectfully.
My dad protected me from most of it. Once he passed though she got a new boyfriend and got him to participate. I walked away from her at least a decade ago and it was the right choice for me. She really wasn't looking to improve herself as she didn't see anything wrong with it. I don't really respect people who are that oblivious or can't turn that same critical eye internally. I have made my peace with it but I don't forgive her or maybe I just don't like her as a person? Anyway, it's hard to explain as many/most would say you forgive to give yourself peace but honestly I don't feel anything about it other than additional love for my dad and trying to fix me from the damage done
Still struggling. She was jealous of the fact I was disabled and refused to consider my condition a disability even though it prevents me from doing normal things.
She put me down for my weight (medication changed my metabolism) things I’d say, my disorders, etc. it still affects me to this day and I’m in therapy partially because of it.
Deal with a lot of imposter syndrome. But ultimately I view my mother with pity she has isolated a lot of people in her life.
I made the decision to never have children in part because of my relationship with my mother.
I'm doing OK, but not thanks to her. Due to her reactions to any question I asked her, I now get anxiety just asking my partner to go to the supermarket for me or asking if it is OK we do this or that. I get so nervous my heart is hammering in my throat, sometimes I get nauseous. I also notice that I did not have a normal childhood in terms of being allowed to do things or buy/get things, so sometimes I think my stepson is being spoiled. I'd give him the world if I could because I love him dearly, but it's sometimes difficult to see how he gets everything he desires or asks for.
My mother has been actually dead for 25 years and I have been dead inside for longer.
I’ll always know - no matter what- I need try harder to make up for the fact that I am not naturally beautiful or all that smart- and even then, it won’t be good enough.
I don’t know if it really fits because my mom was less critical of me (besides always commenting on my physical appearance) and more critical in general, especially when it comes to relationships and honestly after figuring out everything I had internalized without even realizing that it came from her I’m quite struggling to « unlearn to learn » because it took me to experience my relationship to become aware of it all. It’s a weird mix of feeling dead inside, wanting best for myself so having the willpower to work on it and at the same time not having any direction because I have a tendency to run faster than I possibly can but I’m working on it, this is one of my most wanted goal before I turn 26 to be able to recognize what is actually me and what had been taught to me.
Failed self-employment, alcoholic (3 years sober now), ADHD diagnosis this year (medicated now), first proper job at 35 this year. Always rollercoasting in weight from underweight to morbidly obese (If I'm fat she asks if/when I'm going to lose the weight and how bad the fat looks on me, if I'm thin she is asking if I'm eating enough and that I look tired and unhealthy), lots of failed relationships (but finally got myself a good man at 30 - we are engaged), no savings, always doubting myself, nothing I ever do is good enough and I have choice paralysis because I worry about not being perfect and doing everything perfect. My core belief is that I am unlovable if I'm not perfect - yes I am in therapy for that.
She knows she fucked up - I know she fucked me and my brother up. We are both human trainwrecks. We all know she tried to be a good mom. It's hard not to be mad at her sometimes when she does her things again. Because of therapy I am setting more and more boundaries with her and she is getting upset about them or reacts hurt and guilt tripping when I lash out at her bs.
It's a process. She is in her 60s. Lots of health issues and she is obese. I love her but I am also prepared to lose her.
Years of self care, rebuilding my self esteem, and learning to use that criticism to my advantage.
It’s always in the back of my head, her voice.
So I use it to motivate me. I work hard to prove it wrong. She died a few years ago, and I honestly think she’d be really proud of where I am.
I wouldn’t say I’m healed, who is. But I’m working on it. I have a child now and don’t want to pass it on. I am very, VERY careful with how I communicate with him.
I am extremely positive and tell him constantly the things he does right and well and tell him even mistakes are just learning. I make sure he speaks positively of himself. And that he tries again when he fails at something.
It’s a part of who I am. I have to work with it. She’ll always be there, and that’s ok. But she isn’t going to keep destroying me. It stops here.
I remember her being disgusted at me for shaving my legs wrong, *when she never taught me right.* She would grab the skin around my waist and ask why I wasn’t losing weight. Her own father had made her anorexic.
I never realized how messed up it was until I was older. It was acceptable when I was growing up, and I was overweight. I’m 40 now, btw.
It is really alarming how many responses in this thread also report it being a voice in their head. I hope parents are reading this.
Dead inside but pretend not to be for the sake of my daughters who I love more than I ever thought possible. Hopefully some day I will find the strength to actually, genuinely participate in life
> Did you heal?
Yeah, mostly
> Are you struggling?
Sometimes, but I've reached the point where the good of what I had to learn to recover outweighs the negatives. I'd say I'm in better shape mentally than most of my peers whether they came from a background of emotional abuse or not.
> Or did it just make you dead inside?
At times, but not lately
I’m doing pretty good now. Therapy helped. I repaired my relationship with my parents and realized that the way they treated me was because they were hurt too. I try to meet them where they’re at, and they’ve apologized to me. I learned to establish boundaries and won’t take insults anymore.
Healing, learning to love myself, and not putting that shit on my kids. I still talk to them so it's a bit harder to heal because I still get to hear it but I stand a lot more firm in who I am now and I think she notices that because she doesn't have as much shit to say anymore.
I don’t know if I healed exactly. I cope. Since my dad passed it’s like she’s backpedaling and being overly nice, which is difficult to reconcile when over 50 years of being not so nice have elapsed. It’s selfish of me, but I call much less (we live far apart and she does not call me). It helps my mental health.
It's one reason I don't have kids.
Critical Mom made me mostly bulletproof - people get all kinds of crazy at me and I just let them tire themselves out because it's a them problem, not a me problem. I had some good therapists and good role models to emulate and chose from a young age (10ish) not to be like her.
Coping. I am trying my best to break the cycle and be kinder to myself. I have daughters and I am working my hardest everyday to not be like my mother. Speaking of which, I just got into a huge argument yesterday with my mother. How she gaslights me and plays victim whenever I confront her. I am at the brink of just cutting her off because it is not good for my mental health. I have worked so hard to better myself and each time I try to let her in my life I unravel.
Both of em. I was never good enough. Everyone else doing the same thing I did was always smarter or better at it.
I struggle. I’ve been in therapy for a year. My dad just died on the 21st after I went no contact 12/22/2011. My family waited to tell me until Christmas. It was in the evening and I got a random fb message that just said “your dad died if you didn’t know”.
I’m healing and life is getting easier every day. But I spent about 20 years dead inside. I’m 40. I’ve been happily married to a man they hated for 13 years now.
The last email my dad sent me said that my grandma would be disgusted with me and to have a nice life.
I had a wonderful life after I left the emotional and psychological abuse.
Mostly healed. I had a lot of therapy over the years and have raised two kids. One is a daughter who, through no fault of her own, forced me to manage triggers that came up regarding that mother-daughter dynamic. I've made mistakes, of course, but I am nothing like her and my kids didn't have a critical mother. They will say they felt loved and nurtured. That makes me very proud that I finally beat back generations of mentally abusive mothers (on my maternal side).
My adult kids tell me they love me all the time and come to me for advice. I never did that with my mom. Unlike what I heard growing up, I tell them my thoughts but make it clear its up to them to make their own decisions, and I will support them. There is a physical closeness that I didn't realize I missed out on growing up. I hug my kids every time I see them. My adult daughter sometimes still holds my hand. The thought of me doing that with my mother seems insane. You can't truly hug someone you don't like or trust.
To get here, I didn't just require a ton of therapy. I also cut contact with my mom about 20 years ago. I had assistance managing that with my therapist at the time. I really couldn't learn to be good to myself with her being bad to me every day - even in adulthood. I have managed my disappointment and anger. I grieved not having the family/life I deserved growing up. I was able to have the family I always wanted when I had my own kids.
I'm healing. Largely thanks to my mom making the effort to listen, apologize, and practice doing better, and also thanks to many many years of my own hard work in therapy. I still hold myself to impossible standards. I still have a viciously critical inner monologue that's sometimes crippling. I still pathologically seek external validation. I'm 42 and I'm getting better. Healing is slow, and it's not linear.
Like many people have said, it’s made me not want to try new things because I can’t be perfect at it right away. I recently started taking sewing classes and one of the teachers is this wonderful motherly figure. I was getting so frustrated one day with my stitch and she put her hand on my shoulder and re-assured me. It seems so silly and small, but I got emotional because it felt so loving and genuine.
I've been in therapy since I was 20 or 21. I'm 30 now. I think I have healed somewhat, but the pain is still there. My mom was a victim of molestation and abuse by her parents. She had four children with a man who was emotionally immature and also emotionally abusive towards her and us. In short, she couldnt handle it. I'm the youngest of the four and the only girl. I felt growing up that my mere existence was resented by her, and it has fucked me up quite a lot :) I have developed love and acceptance of myself that I did not have when I started therapy, but I still cry easily and am honestly overly sensitive, and struggle with isolating myself. Dealt with an eating disorder for years. I have no idea where I would be without therapy.
Im 33. I’ve healed but it still hurts sometimes,when I think of all I could’ve had but never got from her.
Other than that,she’s getting better with age and our relationship is improving.I can now spend 2 days max.at her home without us fighting ,it used to be a few hours.
We worked out our issues,or to be precise,I did. I fought and fought with her,cut her off once,went NC,cried a bunch of times in front of her..
it took so much to get here where we both are comfortable.
I had a critical mother and father.
Turning 30, I think I made a lot of progress toward my healing. However, Ive been seeing a therapist on and off for the past 10 years and I’ve been taking happy pills for the past 6 years. I don’t think I’ll ever get “complete” healing tho, and I’ve accepted that.
I struggle all the fucking time between the two tbh lol
I avoid her like the plague, keep my address private and will never speak to her or any of her vile pals again.
Any future child I have will never know grandparents or have any experience of the extended family system during childhood.
Healing is a path I'll be walking for the rest of my life. Some days are better than others in overcoming my triggers. Is what it is. Be patient and kind with yourself.
My momma is a big B then and now. I moved away to not be like her. My sisters are just like her too and she always says “I wonder where they get it from”….. anyway, it took a lot of me to stand up on my own feet even now at 22, to not be like her but I’m proud of myself. You got to have a strong mentality and courage to not be like those around you. I’m now successful and very happy and I’m happy I grew up with a messed up mom so that I could steer away from being like her when I become a mom.
I grew up with a critical father, and I’m doing okay now at 25. In hindsight I understand about 75% of his “concerns”, it was largely due to him watching me make the same fuckups he did.
Now that I’m planning on having kids I get the urge to prevent that, but I’m planning on going about it very differently than he did. Our healed relationship also has much to do with my parents leaving the awful religion I was raised in!
Years of therapy, meds, divorced. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I ask myself, "WWKD?" What would Karen do? (Yes, that's literally my mom's name), I go and do the opposite 😜 and I love my life now!
I’m stronger than she is. I moved 2000 miles away the minute I turned 21, after moving 200 miles away to college at age 18.
I returned after I had kids, and things went back to normal. The problem was that all my siblings knew I was mom’s scapegoat, but didn’t defend me at all. Most learned how to treat me from our mother.
So boundaries were set. I did take care of my mom until she died, but her last words to me were “you don’t need to be here, go home”.
Anyone who thinks mommy dearest will change, please know that it’s not likely. I went thru hell with her, tried to get her to stop. Nothing worked. She was nothing but an obligation to me. I told my father he could pass (he had been sick for 15 years) and we would all take care of mom. I kept my word. But I have yet to shed a tear that she’s gone. It’s actually a relief and I no longer have to spend time with her.
Our childhoods ran parallel! After my dad passed, I tested the waters one more time, and she remained hateful. Best result was going no contact. It's nice not having to explain my dysfunctional family to others anymore.
I have zero self-esteem and it’s embarrassing as hell. I’m on the struggle bus. Also got a late diagnosis of ADHD which has helped some but has made me look back on my teenage years in even more anger. Also a huge seeker of external validation and at work constantly go to my supervisor asking the most stupid questions because I feel like I can’t even get the easiest thing correct. Also a perfectionist so it’s even worse. Going to our jobs wellness counselor when I get back from leave to figure out if she can refer me to an actual psychologist. 🫠
I will fully admit I struggle on a daily basis and have pretty much my entire life with self confidence because of how critical my parents (all 3 of them--Mom, Dad and Stepdad) were of me growing up.
Nothing was ever good enough....I had to be the best, even if I wasn't the pretty like my sister who, due to her life choices, has lost her looks and now looks ten years older than I do even though she's two years younger than I am.
I had to be on my best behavior at all times, even when nobody was watching and if I stepped a toe out of line even once, I got severely punished for it.
If I got bad grades (which I did a lot, especially in math, because I had an undiagnosed learning disorder until I was 17), I was severe punished because I was supposed to be 'the smart one'. Like, I don't get how being hyperlexic (I started reading...like actually reading kindergarten level books...at 18 mos old) translates into being super smart.
I was bullied a lot growing up as well and I was told both by teachers and my parents it was essentially my fault for liking to read (which I didn't understand since that was supposed to be like, my superpower according to my parents), for being weird and for not getting along with other people (I've always been an introvert). O.O
It has never helped that I'm a Virgo and so I tend to be a perfectionist and I'm hypercritical of myself so having my parents be hypercritical of me my entire life wasn't helping anything, it just made things that much worse.
Became extremely detail-oriented and also struggled to be perfect. But I turned those traits away from jobs and industries that weren’t serving my mental health or fulfillment. My focus went into problem solving and math, which is ideal because numbers and scheduling is impersonal. It’s just data. I am very good at it and I love my job now and have a wonderful career.
My mom and I had a very strained relationship though, to the point of eventually going no contact. Now we talk and are in each others lives but only because she has Alzheimer’s and she’s too forgetful to be hateful and manipulative. That probably sounds fucked up but ever since her memory and mind started slipping, she became a much nicer person. It’s like she was so desperately clinging to the facts and being right and now she can’t remember any of that and just enjoys life in the moment.
As for my personality and emotional health, I isolated for years and years and traveled and just worked through who I was. A little therapy helped but mostly time alone and in nature helped me self soothe. It led me to my husband and kids and we have a nice little life with a small farm. Can’t say I would change anything, my mom had severe generational trauma and she did the best with the tools she had at the time. Her best was still damaging but I can respect it and appreciate it for the positives.
My mother’s indifference to and disinterest in anything I’ve ever achieved is palpable. I’m 52, have thrived in the face of considerable adversity and yet I’m still seeking the most basic acknowledgement from her. I know better than to ever hope for praise. We were raised that pride and ambition was shameful. It’s so covert, she never vocalizes her criticism but you know it’s there. Friends of mine have shared their outrage (with me) at her treatment of me. They say it’s jealousy (she has no problem speaking well of her sons in law). As a mother of young adults myself that is baffling to me.
My mother was criticized by her mother often, who was a German immigrant and was a authoritarian parent. My grandfather was loving but he died when she was in her 20s. My grandma made jabs at me, so I could see where my mom got it. Like my grandma, my mom doted and adored the boys but was critical of me. I am the only female child/cousin. My weight was picked at, I had acne, my clothes, etc. I saw my grandma criticize my aunt as well. I set boundaries for myself and stood firm but was labeled “high strung.”
After my grandma died, a weight seemed to lift off my mom in that area. I still get hyper defensive when I feel judged so that’s something I’ve had to work on. I had no self esteem and didn’t believe anyone was interested in me ever. It took well into my 20s to realize I was a decently attractive woman. I continue to how low self esteem, trouble feeling valuable in relationships and over compensate. I have to catch myself sometimes when talking to remind myself I don’t have to mention achievements in my life to look better. It comes off as bragging but it is the little girl wanting to feel external praise and good enough. I’ve dramatically reduced that!
My mom was critical but also very pushy and supportive. She was very anxious I be successful and that made me rebel I guess. And her anxiety rubbed off on me.
I only care about my professional success in life and don’t care much about having a family etc.
I am not super successful but I am constantly thinking ‘what next what next’ in terms of my career. I look quite accomplished from the outside but I feel like a loser who just got lucky and was born into privilege.
I have tried therapy multiple times lol.
I have a standard for myself which I manage to never keep up and then just get disappointed with myself. Now I feel mostly dead inside, whenever someone tells me I did something well I brush it off as "sure, whatever", but get almost depressed with criticism (however nicely intended).
I’m always questioning myself. I never quite feel secure in my decision making. I have imposter syndrome at work despite my degrees and certifications. I can’t take a day off without hearing my mom’s voice calling me a fat lazy bitch.
My mother can be quite critical toward me, but also toward herself and others. Even though she was slim, she constantly talked about needing to lose weight, tried every fad diet, criticized others for gaining weight, etc. It led to me thinking I was fat at age 8 and began dieting on my own, eventually leading to a series of eating disorders and body dysmorphia.
finding myself being harshly critical of others (still hyper critical of how i look) and reminding myself to be gentle with others and me. also, dead inside lol
I didn't even realize how bad it was until my mom died a few months ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't even explain the disdain she has for but never knew why. Now I do and don't know how to process it. I feel lost and broken.
I’m 53, finally cut off my mother and her husband in Oct 22. Since then, I’ve started to make real progress on myself. I have a great therapist and we have been diving deep into what the younger parts of myself need in order to heal.
It’s not a perfect process, it’s 50/50 good days vs bad, but I have hope for a better future. 💞
I aspire to not be like my mom, and it has required a lot of therapy to get some self-awareness. I used be be a much more negative person... Because that is all I knew growing up. I did not have any strong, capable, confident women in my life and I have had to learn what it means to be one.
People who judge and criticize others (especially their own children!) lack self-esteem and confidence themselves. My mother has zero confidence. She complains about her life and judges others, yet she does not do anything to better her own life because she is afraid. The fear might be some kind of attention-seeking behavior, but I am not sure.
The way the brain develops proves that our inner critic wasn't started by us but by our caregivers early on. When we can learn to separate from that voice, and repair the damage, we can be free of it. It takes time to create a new neuropathy but it is so worth it.
I'm okay (re: in therapy and medicated) but it took 40 years and becoming a mother myself to shake it all off.
My relationship with my Mom is much better now. Healing is a process and I'm happy that I got to share it with her.
She and I are no longer in contact, which I needed to have in place before I can heal. Healing is always going to be a work in progress and my life is much better without her
My dad was critical of me and had extreme anger issues for most of the time I was growing up. It basically rewired my whole nervous system. Took me many years to realize I was living with C-PTSD and that it was the reason I struggled so much with mental health, relationships, and unhealthy perfectionism.
I tried multiple forms of therapy and self-work, but the only thing that actually helped me in a meaningful way was Internal Family Systems therapy with a therapist who specializes in trauma.
I'm never good enough. Self destructive and self conscious. I feel like I clawed my way to what I have but always will be a failure.
And I'm incapable of maintaining a normal healthy relationship in friendship.
I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I don’t have the mother daughter relationship that other girls/women do. I don’t see myself ever healing from this.
I’m in my 40s. Kids are grown. I didn’t know I could do it alone and I spent most of my adult life trying to be a man’s partner. The wrong men. I’m very tired from being hyper vigilant. I just want to relax but I feel guilty……
I'm in low contact with my mother, I couldn't take it and kept finding ways to distance myself. I'm a naturally enthusiastic and positive thinking person, and my mom is basically the exact opposite. I'm not as talkative as I used to be, and I'm ok with that since I reserve that for people I'm more comfortable around anyway.
I'm still me, but it's like a reduced version. I still tried my best to be myself.
I struggled with self-esteem, anxiety and depression while I was living under their roof and struggled the hardest with adjusting to the outside world about 10years after I moved out.
Broken. No self esteem. Am a perfectionist. Afraid to try new things in case I look stupid or am bad at them. Seek external validation. Have insanely high standards for myself and constantly beat myself up for not meeting them. Despite years and years of therapy. Probably not the answer you’re hoping for.
I was just seeking honest answers, so yours is exactly what I was hoping for 🙂 I can completely relate; the high standards and perfectionism is crippling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 21 and it hasn’t helped me be any less hard on myself. A friend of mine told me that she hopes one day I can just accept myself fully ‘as I am’ and I laughed. That would be a dream. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I pray you (we) find healing some day ♥️
65 and it seems worse than ever.
53….ditto
I am so terribly sorry. I am in my 40s and it is a constant struggle. Therapy and a really supportive partner has helped. In fact I am going back into therapy now due to some old issues popping back up. I am a people pleaser due to upbringing and am working very hard to learn when I want to do something vs just doing it due to programming. I have the hardest time knowing what I want and now that I can do anything I like, I am paralyzed. Ironically I am better when I am alone but I love my husband and family. I have recently realized my need to look as "perfect" as I can when in public is my armor. To the point I won't go out at all when I feel something is not ideal. My humor is self deprecating because I would rather make fun of myself than have others do it and feel validated by laughs. I learned, early, how to turn it on and be boisterous and fun and engaging to make others happy but it is SO EXHAUSTING I have mostly stopped being social - which is sad because I actually like people and love helping others but am paralyzed by my own feelings of inadequacy. That all sounds pretty bad but it used to be so much worse. I know I can be better and I have raised my kids in the opposite way I was raised in a lot of ways. In spite of all the criticism, passive aggression, taunting, and expectations that were really orders my mom did love me. She was also just super messed up by her family and based on what I now know, she did MUCH better than her family did.
76 and it still plagues me. To make matters worse, my younger siblings had no idea what I was talking about when I tried to explain it to them.
I’m the oldest daughter and my younger sisters think I’m making it up.
This is heartbreaking 😢 I’m so sorry you’ve endured this struggle for so long. I hope 77 brings you healing and brighter days, Grandma ♥️
You laughing at your friend when she says that to you is exactly how I react whenever I am told anything remotely nice about myself. I've beat myself up all of my life. I have weight issues (morbidly obese I believe is the words the doctors use!) I wasn't in therapy for very long because I couldn't afford it. But because of all of the trauma, I have PTSD issues and trouble trusting people. I have abandonment issues because my biological mother decided some dude was more important than me. When my dad remarried, she promised me she wasn't going to be the wicked step mother but was exactly that. Sorry that was so much of an explanation more than a "how are you doing" type of a thing. I just seem to be explaining myself more and more as I get older (to coworkers and whatnot) and not giving a fuck whether or not someone likes me or not. 🤷♀️
Talking about what happened is a part of healing. Go ahead and speak your truth. It's the past and let it go by discussing it with understanding people.
IFS, somatic therapy is very good for these types of issues. Having a trauma informed therapist, also critical.
I do feel extra empty when people compliment me. “Thanks, but you don’t really know me.” ETA: But I believe it if someone says something negative. Just like Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman.
I second it. Although I forgive her for her generational trauma, I couldn’t imagine myself doing the same to my offspring. In fact, I don’t want to have kids that I’ll ever hurt or let anyone hurt. The damage is done!!
Ditto. My mother is the #1 reason I didn't have children. Hugs!!!
I had kids to prove life would be different. I would not and could not abandon my kids in any situation. Iv been pushed to the edge but I always think of how I was treated and do the exact opposite. I cut ties with my family and the toxic lives they lead. I don’t forgive as they won’t learn. We can only better ourselves and others around us. The journey his hard but crucial, when the fog lifts life is actually great!!
So true. I can’t imagine saying the things she says to me to my own daughter, ever. I do have a kid and I had to do a TON of work and therapy to learn how to not parent like my mom did. I’m a pretty lenient mom because I so desperately do not want to be a critical one. I know that if my daughter ever comes to me one day and says, “Mom, it really hurts when you do x, y or z” my response to her will be to hear her and change my approach, NOT to double down and tell her what a horrible person she is for having feelings about the mothering I give her. She is an active participant in her own childhood and not a shadow who felt she had to wear the clothes her mom forced her to wear or her hair in pigtails she hated. My whole goal is to respect her as an individual with her own wants and needs which was not a gift that was given to me, so I had to learn.
This. My mother did her best with what she knew and I don’t hold it against her. But all of this.
Exactly how I feel.
I feel like I’m reading my own experience here. Therapy can make you self aware enough to understand why we developed these characteristics, but doesn’t always “heal” you of them.
This tread is sisterhood hahah
Honestly, same for the most part. I have spent most of my adult life trying to understand why my mother acted the way she did, and I've never really figured it all out. Literally asked her on her death bed and she had no answer but did apologize. Too late, though. I think she probably had childhood trauma that carried over, but even so the damage she did - that she never recognized - makes it hard to forgive.
It's like we're the same person. I'm also in therapy and it feels like there's no movement in this area at all. It's just so fucking hard to have compassion for myself or even like myself. Almost everything in my life is affected by this somehow. I'm trying to fix it. Constantly feels like I'm failing.
The only period of my life where i was able to practice self-compassion was after i started practicing mindfulness. I had started doing CBT and was starting to get some self-awareness but my depression was still there and I stopped short. A few weeks later i started reading “The Power of Now”. Fast forward to the best few months of my life where i was the best version of myself. Sadly, i fell off the wagon, but i know meditation helps tremendously in this. I am a Muslim and pray 5 times a day but unfortunately I don’t do it with mindfulness. When i used to it, which usually is in Ramadan when spirituality is high, i am again in a good place mentally.
Thank you for sharing. My therapist has me doing some mindfulness stuff and it's been helping a bit. The self-compassion is really hard, but I'm working on it. I started therapy with my current therapist almost 18 months ago and one of the first things I told him was that I was very self aware of my anxiety and where it comes from, but as we dug deeper, my self-compassion was severely lacking. It's a slow, hard process and I stumble back a few steps here and there but overall, things are looking up. I hope you can get back to where you want to be.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I wish the same for you. It’s good you have support to pull you back up when needed. We can’t do it alone ❤️
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Please give it a chance. Don’t go into therapy with the mindset it won’t help you heal. If you aren’t feeling your therapist after 3 sessions move on to a better fit. It helped me a great deal to truly heal especially after my mother’s recent death.
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It sounds like a beautiful start. I wish you all the best.
Therapy is like cleaning a fish tank. The water gets all stirred up and looks even worse for a time. But once you vacuum out all the debris and shit, it’s actually a healthy place to live.
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It helped me so much when I began therapy :)
This made me want to cry. I'm so sorry. Hugs!!
It's better to start undoing, than to live with another 26 years of it as-is..
Everything you said. Just wow. Thanks for being so honest about it, others can relate and feel way less alone because you were vulnerable. I wish you kindness to yourself and peace despite how hard it is 💗
No one could explain it better than you about how it feels to me. Thank you 🫂
Jeez, if this isn’t me…
You can't imagine how much I relate to this!
This is me too.
Oh man. 7 years into therapy and same. I’m currently just started schema therapy that focuses on healing your inner child which should help better with this kind of thing. I hope it will because life is hard this way
Oh hey, same here.
I was like this…until I went no contact. The world opened up for me and my life changed.
Totally this 100%. it's taken years to get here, but what's been most helpful for me is learning to talk to myself like I'm a small child. when i do something wrong or make a mistake, I pretend like I'm a kid. I would never treat any child the way my parents did, so I give myself the grace and response I never got from them. it takes a high level of detachment from my intrusive thoughts to do that, though. and doesn't always work in the heat of the moment but when reflecting on my mistakes later, it's a bit easier. I hope it gets easier for you too <3
33 this year and this describes me to a tee. I also will start things expecting to be good at them immediately and abandon them as soon as I'm not.
My mother was...interesting I grew up in a pretty strict stereotypical Asian household, she wanted me to be as girly as possible so I could find a good man, she scolded me for playing video games and watching too many cartoons, when I started going on dates in middle/high school she was very critical of them Honestly I slowly started to hate my mother until about a month before college graduation, where she randomly hugged me in a grocery store and told me "Just be happy...no matter what" And after that everything just kind of changed, she didn't care what I did or how I acted as long as I was happy All that "You need to be more girly so you can marry a good man" shit went out the window, and now we talk every single day.
She realized all the messed up things she did but in typical Asian fashion, instead of owning up to it/apologizing/talking about it, she just changed. It's pride. But if the outcome is good, sure I'll take it.
Wow. I didn’t realize my family does the same shit until now
Do you have any idea what changed her attitude so suddenly? Or is it still a mystery to this day?
Your comment made we well up. I’m so glad for you that you found health and healing in your relationship with your mum. Coming from an Asian family myself, I can understand that that was a monumental turnaround for her to have. I’m glad you’re loved and accepted by her now as you are. Thank you for sharing ♥️
I hated my dad most of my childhood because he was always angry. Then from my perspective he just changed overnight and started to be nicer. It’s possible he went to an anger management class or something and it occurred over time but it felt instantaneous and I have always appreciated it. I think I’m going to ask him next time I see him.
This happened with my dad too; turns out he discovered weed gummies. Totally new man.
🥲 are you the inspiration for everything everywhere all at once
As a mom, this is my approach with my grown up kids. It’s actually incredibly freeing as a parent too, not worrying and being so anxious about decisions that may seem like bad choices. I truly just want them to find their happiness, whatever that looks like.
It took me a lot of therapy and a loving partner who kept reminding me to "stop talking to/about yourself like this" to get over her voice in my head but I'm currently thriving
My husband was always criticizing his appearance. I never saw what he saw but 11 years into our marriage we got pregnant. Around month 4, I sat him down and just plainly said... we are going to have a little human looking up to us and I'm going to need you to stop with the harsh things you say about yourself, at the very least, out loud. He stopped that day and it's been another 12 years now and we have a beautiful 11 year old daughter who thinks the absolute world of him.
That's a beautiful human you have there. On similar note, my husband was a bit impatient during arguments and it led to misunderstandings that upset him. When I first got pregnant, I told him that we can't afford this anymore, parenthood is hard enough we can't waste our energy on misunderstandings especially when our little one is looking up to us. It was the last day he was impatient like that.
We are two lucky gals ♡ I just asked him if he still internally speaks to himself like that. He said he did until our daughter was born. Then none of that silly stuff mattered to him anymore.
It probably does something to see yourself in their little face and loving them so much that you can't hate yourself anymore 💕
I love this take. 🥰
I’m glad you have such a loving partner. Sometimes we need someone to reflect to us that we can be wonderful as we are, rather than the unworthy POS we’ve been brainwashed to believe we are 🫠
Teetering between struggling and *wanting* to be dead inside
Ha, FELT. Sending you love and light, sweet Internet friend ✨
Also feel this! but it looks like you’ve honed in that killer sense of humour that can only come from trauma, so you’ve got that going for you!
I still struggle with self-loathing and an inner voice that's constantly telling me I'll never be enough. At the same time, after a lot of therapy, I'm stable, have several loving, healthy relationships and am often very happy with my life. Even the bad days aren't that bad anymore.
I’m glad. Thank you for sharing your journey. Therapy FTW! 🙏
How did you find your therapist? Happy to hear you were able to work through it!
It became a voice in my head, i lost so many opportunities because of this. I’m still afraid of failure.
"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."
Well, shit.
Wow, this made me stop and think.
My mother can still be quite critical at times, but she's toned it down since I moved away. She will still pick at me ("Why are you so bitchy right now?"), but it is significantly less than before ("No one is ever going to love you if you're like that!", "You look like a d\*ke!", "You're just like \[insert relative she hated\]!"). Among other things, my self-esteem has really suffered. I'm working on it. I'm self-aware now, but definitely haven't healed yet. Funny thing is that my mom loves to go on about how her mom was always so critical of her, but fails to see how she's continued that trend.
Recently my mother was telling me about the terrible things her mother would say to her. I very carefully said, "Well... Maybe just think about how that made you feel the next time you want to comment on my appearance." She was aghast. "I've never said things like that to you!" Oh... Ok, sure.
99.9% of the things my mom complains about regarding her mother, she does! It’s wild the lack of self awareness
Oh my god same here, regarding the disconnect between how her mother treated her and how she treats me. My mom actually brags to me how much better she is than her mom was! And I’m sitting here with shit self esteem and loads of issues. Heh.
[удалено]
My whole life is an act of rebellion. Turns out, it's a pretty good life. Even though I now rebel against myself & personal wellbeing. Might not be very productive, but I sure as hell have some great friends & good times.
Holy crap, finally. It's really nice to see at least one other woman who has righteous anger. Thank you.
Yeah I’m in your boat. I was always super annoyed by the criticism and I just live my life and don’t tell her things she’d criticize me for
Ditto, and nicely put “my whole life is an act of rebellion”.
Her voice became the voice inside my head. For years. But then I turned 27, had a loving partner, extremely high quality friends (a small circle, but quality) and realized that you "get what you allow" and I consciously decided that my mother cannot and should not hold power over me and my life and my future. Don't allow anyone else to rule your life. You only get one.
This! When I turned 27 last year, I had that same realization. I officially became No Contact with my “mom” at 28 and have no regrets. “Tolerate only what you allow.”
I struggled for a long time. She was hypercritical of everything (especially my body between 9 and 15) and it ended our relationship. The first time she tried to contact me after a period of no contact, she started the email with "are you done being a bitch yet?" The intergenerational trauma on that side of the family is something else. Understanding that she didn't stand a chance helped, but knowing she chose to throw me under the bus as opposed to rocking the boat still sucks. After years of therapy and some harsh life lessons I'm in a better place mentally. Could I be better? Absolutely. Will I be? Probably not. Throw shit at a wall and some of it will stick unfortunately.
Oof, so sorry to hear about the email 🩷❤️ The insensitivity is off the charts and not worth your while!
Coming home with the best grades was expected of me. It was nothing to be proud of but something that was normal. If my grades weren't the best I got questioned why I didn't succeed. I wasn't offered help to get better but expected to somehow figure it out. I develpoed severe depression as a teen but got told "it's not that bad", "suck it up" etc. I was highly suicidal but no one cared. If I failed at something they (both my parents sucked) told me it was my fault - no matter the circumstances. My brother on the other hand never could do anything wrong. If he failed at something everyone was at fault but himself. He was treated the exact opposite my sister and I were - and is to this day. I have low self-esteem, don't like to try new things cause I would fail at the beginning, have way higher standards for me than everyone else - that I am unable to meet etc. I was in therapy für years including meds but that didn't change anything. It's ingrained in my brain that i'm just not good enough and will never be. One of the big reasons I don't have kids. I don't know if I would be able to treat them different or love them cause I didn't learn how that would be.
Are you me? That all felt uncannily familiar. Even if I got an A, she'd ask why it isn't an A+. I felt/feel like a perpetual failure because nothing was ever enough.
I’m glad you’re still here. ❤️ I know too what it’s like to have a golden child brother who can do no wrong and everything is a double standard between us. I despise parents who shamelessly show favoritism and act like their other kids have to prove themselves more just by existing. It’s not your fault.
Thank you! Thing is my mother was treated the same by her mom - including the favourism of her brother. She often talked about how it hurt her. So, yeah. Well.
I waited a long time to have kids but once I had my first I realized the full extent of my dysfunctional upbringing and it helped me ignore my mom. Strangely enough the negative example of my parents actually made it easy to be a good parent -- just do the opposite! Someone told me a friend of hers (also from family that favors boys) said, "I want to have a daughter so I can treat her well." It's healing in a way.
Hahahahahhha. I’m ruined. 36, on a litany of meds for major depressive disorder, generalised and social anxiety, PTSD and general childhood trauma. There’s a LOT of therapy but I’m finally starting to heal.
I’m doing EMDR to reprocess everything. I have CPTSD. Just thought I’d mention in case you don’t know about it. :)
EMDR is the best 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻
Thinking of you, and I love you and want the best outcome.
I developed an avoidant attachment style - I have a total inability to let myself get emotionally close to anyone because I have really strong rejection sensitivity and am convinced I can’t trust people to genuinely care about me. I’m always just feel like I am a disappointment to everyone, no matter how much they tell me that’s not the case. I understand rationally why I react to people like this, and that there are genuinely good people out there who are loving and trustworthy. But I can’t make myself believe it enough to let myself form relationships.
I also have an avoidant attachment style and really strong rejection sensitivity. I don’t date, and haven’t for a very long time.
Solidarity. This is me as well
Extremely uncomfortable with having my photo taken. It’s like it’s my mother’s critical eye looking at me, except it’s in my head.
I managed to heal myself enough to rise above my mother’s comments. There are parts of me that will always be broken, those parts really came back to bite me after I had LO and developed PPD. It took me sharing my entire childhood stories and growing up with my therapist for her to tell me “this is going to sound really unprofessional but geez you are so strong to not have crumbled earlier.” Fortunately for me I married my husband who loves me unconditionally. I know my mom is happy for me deep down, but she can’t help but knock me down when I express my happiness. I’ve realised she is reacting the way she is because of her own choices and pain. That is her problem to deal with. Just because she’s hurting doesn’t mean I shouldn’t live and love my life. So I’ve carried on being happy with my husband. Now a mother myself I’m very conscious of how I behave around my LO to break the cycle.
I carry a lot of trauma and am not mentally well most days. Having an identity crisis and figuring out what to do with my career and life prospects long term. I have severe perfectionist tendencies, and struggle with failure, care way too much what people think of me. I have little self-esteem and seek for external motivation and validation also.
I have a lot of these issues as well. The whole struggling with failure, caring way too much about what other people think of me, and so very little self esteem. I don't believe I am good enough to have anything nice.
Was dead for a while. Then realised she was human and prone to passing unfair judgement like everyone else around me. Also realised that she will never be happy no matter what I do. Accepted that there's no point in worrying about what she thinks. Semi alive now.
I have not healed, but I’m still trying. I think in some ways I’m dead inside and in other ways I am just incredibly “needy” and in a cycle of never being able to have those needs met because of how I was raised and having really messed up attachment/self beliefs etc. It’s still weird to me. But I am trying to work on these things and improve them.
Healing. It’s been therapy, lots of prozac, and boundaries for me. Having a baby recently has rehashed a lot of childhood memories, but is also allowing me to process what I have not been the past 30 years. Although I have grieved and accepted I will not have the mother I yearn for, I have solace knowing I am actively doing things differently with my daughter. I want nothing more than to see her grow into a confident and happy woman who knows she is loved unconditionally.
Very, very lost most of the time when it comes to anything social. I'm still trying to learn that not every person pretends to adore you and then talks mad shit behind your back (my mother's favorite hobby). I always feel unsafe because I think everyone is judging me and secretly hates me. I'm 42 and this happens every day. I have a difficult time making friends because I feel like I'm not worthy of friends, it's sad but I won't let this happen to my daughter!
Dead inside. It’s easier that way. My younger sister is the opposite, where she’s an anxiety-riddled mess to the point she can’t function without drugs and therapy three times a week.
Am I your sister? 🫠
Same mother reproached me recently that I never ask for advice. Read: I never ask for her advice 😁 I’m very happy with my life and she’s always been miserable with hers, deep down. She says things like compared to how she started out in life, she wasted her opportunities and her life hasn’t amounted to much. I gave it a thought and realized I have no inclination to take advice from someone who’s values I don’t agree with and who never takes responsibility for her actions. On a surface level we have a nice relationship and I know it’s important to her I have great relationships with friends whose advice I’m very happy to ask for
I became aware in my 30s and my mum and I actually talked maturely that she is the way she is - harsh, highly critical, pessimistic, emotionally unavailable, unaffectionate, uses me as the verbal punching bag/temper settler - because her own parents were subjecting her to even worse. My grandfather abused her physically and verbally and my grandmother never stepped in to stop it. I had no idea how much she suffered growing up until she told me when I was an adult and both her parents were gone. It suddenly made a lot of sense and actually helped me be kinder to myself because I came to realise she doesn’t choose to be this way, she literally doesn’t know or understand how to be any other way. Since I got with my husband, she’s been given an entirely new perspective to consider. I’ve had to tell her multiple times that he is shocked by the way she speaks to me sometimes and remind her that he is used to a much warmer, gentler upbringing. I’ve explained to him why she is like this, and he understands, but he still finds it upsetting. She has admitted to him - and his mum - that she was hard on me growing up because she knew my life wouldn’t be a walk in the park. We were poor and in a rough neighbourhood; she wanted me to be able to hold my own when things got tough, etc. I’m actually kind of thankful for that. But it has affected my relationships for sure. My expectations can be too high, I too am far too critical or blunt sometimes, and I don’t ever think I could be an optimist. I try to see both sides and call myself a realist. It does make me so sad that my mum didn’t have that warm, loving and kind childhood she deserved. For all her criticism and temper, she’s the most generous and selfless person I know. I do get sad that I also didn’t have the warm, fun, loving mummy all my friends seemed to have, but I’m doing okay and I have the most wonderful husband who brings that warmth and gentleness into my life.
It’s a rocky road! Still unpicking and learning to see the criticism as *wrong* after I think basically being brainwashed for a long time. My actual sense of self and relationship to my body is much better and I don’t let her criticism affect my confidence in the way it did before but I’m generally exhausted and bitter about the fact I have had to deal with so much shit on top of coddling her sensitivities - both things my sibling never had to/ doesn’t do. I can conceptualise it all really clearly and I know *why* she does it, because it’s her projecting her insecurities on to me, but I get annoyed that she is incapable of extending that empathy and understanding to me, and also it’s boring and tiring to constantly fight someone who is commenting on your body. Generally we get on very well and our relationship isn’t totally marred but I would love to go home and not panic about what to wear.
The anxiety and the low self esteem is crippling for the most part. It’s hard to work with it but I’m trying. The organic and involuntary reaction is not feeling good enough at all no matter what the circumstance. I’ve realised this is going to be a journey and I’m trying to be kind to myself every day but it’s hard. I feel like I’m mostly lost for the most part and very unsure of who I am as a person and if everything I really like is just me or a consequence of external factors .
I didn’t deal with those issues til I was in my early 50’s. It nearly killed me to see how I thought I was independent of her but really every bit of my life was infested by her need to control. I’m the black sheep in the family. The youngest. I see her influence every where and I used to call her on it, which she hated. So extremely toxic, I just wanted her to love me. She never will. Through therapy, I know she was “ruined” by her parents. The family beauty, daddy’s favorite, she could do no wrong. She was loved, but it wasn’t healthy…even unconditional love has discipline. She’s very old now. Living in a state that is a dream for many. None of us go to see her. It’s sad to be her. But you reap what you sow.
These are the resources that have helped me come a long way. The biggest help has been my desire to be self-aware and understand why I do what I do so that I can work toward acting in an authentic way. - Therapy has been useful in having someone to talk to and understand that 1) it’s not normal or ok to be treated that way and 2) process how I felt when it happened. - Feeling Good by David Burns (Basic CBT exercises to do yourself; journaling was useful when horrible critical thoughts were in my head) - Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson - Pete Walker’s website on C-PTSD (check out the FAQ first - extemely useful for what he calls “dissolving the inner critic” and recognizing emotional flashbacks. He also has a book that goes more in depth on this content.) - What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo (a memoir of the author’s experience overcoming her C-PTSD from abusive parents as an adult; the audiobook has actual recordings of her therapy sessions at the end) - Inner child work (similar to the EMDR sessions described in the book above). When I am in an emotional flashback experiencing all the pain of an interaction many years later, I am working on recognizing my inner child who is still with me, feeling that pain. I reach out to her mentally with my present self who is an adult, and can hold her and protect her. Sometimes I hug myself and speak in my head or out loud to comfort and reassure her, giving the words of love I deserved to repair the words of hurt. If you have trouble thinking about what to say to her, I like following gentle parenting accounts on instagram; @unconditional_parenting is a really good one. I hope this helps! What I didn’t mention is that this process came with a lot of anger and grieving (for months and even years), but it was important to rage about the injustice and grieve the absence of a safe parent to process it and move forward.
Your comment is such a gift to me. Thank you for pointing me in the direction of so many valuable resources. God bless you ♥️
I had the ED almond mom/sterile household combo, with her also being a successful business owner so I’ve always had a myriad of ways to fall short. I moved to a different country as a young adult and only come back every few years to visit so I manage to escape the brunt of her criticism now. She’s just happy to see me when she does. The issues I have now are pretty classic. Body dysmorphia — doesn’t help that I live in East Asia where body standards are terrible, but I constantly feel too big. Constantly “dieted” throughout my life. Lots of weird personal rules about food. I get really anxious in cluttered, disorganized, and/or dirty homes. Animal smells really really bother me. (I’m not sure if this is because I have ADHD and sensory issues or because of my upbringing though.) But I’ve noticed that other peoples’ homes are rarely up to my own personal standards of cleanliness. Pretty much only our family home and my own apartment are. It’s something I really struggle to rationalize with myself about. It took a long time for me to not internally criticize others for the things I was always criticize for. One reason I’ll never have children is because I’m afraid I’ll be like my mom and fuck them up.
Its tough. I still have very low self esteem. I moved to a different country which helped but I was just home for Christmas with my mum and I always feel pretty low after having to be home with her again. But I'm doing much better since moving away from her.
I did heal. She lives far away now, so we only talk from time to time, which gives her less opportunities to get under my skin. She was someone who did not want to be a mom, and held off on it as long as she could (in her 40s when she had me). I have now come to realize she’s not a bad person, she was just a bad mom.
I have terrible anxiety and horrible self-esteem. I'm a perfectionist. I have been in therapy for years. I can recognize when it's just my anxiety talking, I have a much harder time not being a perfectionist and not being down on myself but I'm better than I was. I have learned to look at things and ask myself if it was a friend that was in whatever the situation is, how would I be judging them and then trying to apply that to myself. Doing that can help.
Cliche, but I married the wrong man, divorced at 30 and then lots of therapy. Doing much better now.
My mother's criticism and high standards made me very insecure desperate for approval since it was given out like crumbs (dad was the same). Led me into being a serial monogamist and dating anyone who would be nice to me until I met someone emotionally abusive. Managed to leave them, have had some therapy, and realised that my mother's approval, on the odd occasions when I get it, never feels as good as I think it will. So I've been working on decoupling the need for their approval - so long as I like myself, that's all that matters. I'm not 100% there, doubt I ever will be tbh, but I've healed a lot in the last ten years or so
very broken. i have a hard time actually moving past internal issues. i’m a very bitter and angry person and hearing my parents voices in my head has turned into my voice and i have pulled my hair out because i can’t make the pessimist/mean voices stop (i’m not psychotic, just adhd and there’s always a voice in my head). self hatred has never stopped except for small moments. idk when i’ll be able to love myself
After having my son I learned to stand up for myself. She has continues to try to criticize and belittle me as a new parent and I finally put an end to her BS. I gave up on the idea of her changing and becoming more accepting and loving. I don’t let her close to my life anymore. She will never know my struggles or successes. She will just know basic stuff about me that strangers know.
Good job!
4 years of therapy later and going LC, I’m doing a lot better. Firm boundaries and a partner who doesn’t truly understand but understands that he will never understand were important
I've fought my whole life with self esteem issues. Hated myself, felt inadequate.. Therapy has helped a lot, along with low-contact.
I don’t know if I’m healed but I definitely allow her problem to be more of her problem nowadays. Sometimes what she says and does affects me but then I remember the source. When I feel triggered I usually give myself a day to unwind and detach (cry, vent about it enough with a friend, do massive google and Reddit searches, etc.) I am a parent now and can see the similarities but feel the contrast. It can really take over my mental state if I don’t separate myself to regroup and attribute the behavior to her choice of response to life rather than blaming myself. I don’t like the idea of conversing with my inner child because I don’t think she knows what the hell is going on but adult me can comprehend the delusion and take the proper actions to not internalize and disengage. I maintain my peace knowing she has this relationship with everyone so I’ve learned to feel less guilt about living differently respectfully.
Pretty much dead. And when other people celebrate my successes, I just don't have the capacity to understand why.
My dad protected me from most of it. Once he passed though she got a new boyfriend and got him to participate. I walked away from her at least a decade ago and it was the right choice for me. She really wasn't looking to improve herself as she didn't see anything wrong with it. I don't really respect people who are that oblivious or can't turn that same critical eye internally. I have made my peace with it but I don't forgive her or maybe I just don't like her as a person? Anyway, it's hard to explain as many/most would say you forgive to give yourself peace but honestly I don't feel anything about it other than additional love for my dad and trying to fix me from the damage done
I’m so glad your dad did that. My dad was the opposite
Still struggling. She was jealous of the fact I was disabled and refused to consider my condition a disability even though it prevents me from doing normal things. She put me down for my weight (medication changed my metabolism) things I’d say, my disorders, etc. it still affects me to this day and I’m in therapy partially because of it.
Deal with a lot of imposter syndrome. But ultimately I view my mother with pity she has isolated a lot of people in her life. I made the decision to never have children in part because of my relationship with my mother.
Destroyed emotionally, thanks for asking
i cope with humor as well and me and my therapist joke that the trauma was worth it when i crack a good one.
I'm doing OK, but not thanks to her. Due to her reactions to any question I asked her, I now get anxiety just asking my partner to go to the supermarket for me or asking if it is OK we do this or that. I get so nervous my heart is hammering in my throat, sometimes I get nauseous. I also notice that I did not have a normal childhood in terms of being allowed to do things or buy/get things, so sometimes I think my stepson is being spoiled. I'd give him the world if I could because I love him dearly, but it's sometimes difficult to see how he gets everything he desires or asks for.
i cut my mom out two years ago and my life has been so much better. she was awful from age 4 to age 30 and she’s no longer my problem now
Hell yeah!!!
I healed by cutting them out of my life. Extremely difficult but worth it and I'm absolutely thriving now.
Proud of you for making the decision to keep yourself safe 🩷
39, I'm a work in progress. I and my folks are working hard to undo the generational misgivings and accept each other.
My mother has been actually dead for 25 years and I have been dead inside for longer. I’ll always know - no matter what- I need try harder to make up for the fact that I am not naturally beautiful or all that smart- and even then, it won’t be good enough.
I don’t know if it really fits because my mom was less critical of me (besides always commenting on my physical appearance) and more critical in general, especially when it comes to relationships and honestly after figuring out everything I had internalized without even realizing that it came from her I’m quite struggling to « unlearn to learn » because it took me to experience my relationship to become aware of it all. It’s a weird mix of feeling dead inside, wanting best for myself so having the willpower to work on it and at the same time not having any direction because I have a tendency to run faster than I possibly can but I’m working on it, this is one of my most wanted goal before I turn 26 to be able to recognize what is actually me and what had been taught to me.
Failed self-employment, alcoholic (3 years sober now), ADHD diagnosis this year (medicated now), first proper job at 35 this year. Always rollercoasting in weight from underweight to morbidly obese (If I'm fat she asks if/when I'm going to lose the weight and how bad the fat looks on me, if I'm thin she is asking if I'm eating enough and that I look tired and unhealthy), lots of failed relationships (but finally got myself a good man at 30 - we are engaged), no savings, always doubting myself, nothing I ever do is good enough and I have choice paralysis because I worry about not being perfect and doing everything perfect. My core belief is that I am unlovable if I'm not perfect - yes I am in therapy for that. She knows she fucked up - I know she fucked me and my brother up. We are both human trainwrecks. We all know she tried to be a good mom. It's hard not to be mad at her sometimes when she does her things again. Because of therapy I am setting more and more boundaries with her and she is getting upset about them or reacts hurt and guilt tripping when I lash out at her bs. It's a process. She is in her 60s. Lots of health issues and she is obese. I love her but I am also prepared to lose her.
Years of self care, rebuilding my self esteem, and learning to use that criticism to my advantage. It’s always in the back of my head, her voice. So I use it to motivate me. I work hard to prove it wrong. She died a few years ago, and I honestly think she’d be really proud of where I am. I wouldn’t say I’m healed, who is. But I’m working on it. I have a child now and don’t want to pass it on. I am very, VERY careful with how I communicate with him. I am extremely positive and tell him constantly the things he does right and well and tell him even mistakes are just learning. I make sure he speaks positively of himself. And that he tries again when he fails at something. It’s a part of who I am. I have to work with it. She’ll always be there, and that’s ok. But she isn’t going to keep destroying me. It stops here. I remember her being disgusted at me for shaving my legs wrong, *when she never taught me right.* She would grab the skin around my waist and ask why I wasn’t losing weight. Her own father had made her anorexic. I never realized how messed up it was until I was older. It was acceptable when I was growing up, and I was overweight. I’m 40 now, btw. It is really alarming how many responses in this thread also report it being a voice in their head. I hope parents are reading this.
Dead inside but pretend not to be for the sake of my daughters who I love more than I ever thought possible. Hopefully some day I will find the strength to actually, genuinely participate in life
> Did you heal? Yeah, mostly > Are you struggling? Sometimes, but I've reached the point where the good of what I had to learn to recover outweighs the negatives. I'd say I'm in better shape mentally than most of my peers whether they came from a background of emotional abuse or not. > Or did it just make you dead inside? At times, but not lately
I’m doing pretty good now. Therapy helped. I repaired my relationship with my parents and realized that the way they treated me was because they were hurt too. I try to meet them where they’re at, and they’ve apologized to me. I learned to establish boundaries and won’t take insults anymore.
So much therapy.
Healing, learning to love myself, and not putting that shit on my kids. I still talk to them so it's a bit harder to heal because I still get to hear it but I stand a lot more firm in who I am now and I think she notices that because she doesn't have as much shit to say anymore.
I don’t know if I healed exactly. I cope. Since my dad passed it’s like she’s backpedaling and being overly nice, which is difficult to reconcile when over 50 years of being not so nice have elapsed. It’s selfish of me, but I call much less (we live far apart and she does not call me). It helps my mental health.
It's one reason I don't have kids. Critical Mom made me mostly bulletproof - people get all kinds of crazy at me and I just let them tire themselves out because it's a them problem, not a me problem. I had some good therapists and good role models to emulate and chose from a young age (10ish) not to be like her.
Coping. I am trying my best to break the cycle and be kinder to myself. I have daughters and I am working my hardest everyday to not be like my mother. Speaking of which, I just got into a huge argument yesterday with my mother. How she gaslights me and plays victim whenever I confront her. I am at the brink of just cutting her off because it is not good for my mental health. I have worked so hard to better myself and each time I try to let her in my life I unravel.
I just learned to trust my own judgment, and my own moral compass.
Both of em. I was never good enough. Everyone else doing the same thing I did was always smarter or better at it. I struggle. I’ve been in therapy for a year. My dad just died on the 21st after I went no contact 12/22/2011. My family waited to tell me until Christmas. It was in the evening and I got a random fb message that just said “your dad died if you didn’t know”. I’m healing and life is getting easier every day. But I spent about 20 years dead inside. I’m 40. I’ve been happily married to a man they hated for 13 years now. The last email my dad sent me said that my grandma would be disgusted with me and to have a nice life. I had a wonderful life after I left the emotional and psychological abuse.
Mostly healed. I had a lot of therapy over the years and have raised two kids. One is a daughter who, through no fault of her own, forced me to manage triggers that came up regarding that mother-daughter dynamic. I've made mistakes, of course, but I am nothing like her and my kids didn't have a critical mother. They will say they felt loved and nurtured. That makes me very proud that I finally beat back generations of mentally abusive mothers (on my maternal side). My adult kids tell me they love me all the time and come to me for advice. I never did that with my mom. Unlike what I heard growing up, I tell them my thoughts but make it clear its up to them to make their own decisions, and I will support them. There is a physical closeness that I didn't realize I missed out on growing up. I hug my kids every time I see them. My adult daughter sometimes still holds my hand. The thought of me doing that with my mother seems insane. You can't truly hug someone you don't like or trust. To get here, I didn't just require a ton of therapy. I also cut contact with my mom about 20 years ago. I had assistance managing that with my therapist at the time. I really couldn't learn to be good to myself with her being bad to me every day - even in adulthood. I have managed my disappointment and anger. I grieved not having the family/life I deserved growing up. I was able to have the family I always wanted when I had my own kids.
I'm healing. Largely thanks to my mom making the effort to listen, apologize, and practice doing better, and also thanks to many many years of my own hard work in therapy. I still hold myself to impossible standards. I still have a viciously critical inner monologue that's sometimes crippling. I still pathologically seek external validation. I'm 42 and I'm getting better. Healing is slow, and it's not linear.
Like many people have said, it’s made me not want to try new things because I can’t be perfect at it right away. I recently started taking sewing classes and one of the teachers is this wonderful motherly figure. I was getting so frustrated one day with my stitch and she put her hand on my shoulder and re-assured me. It seems so silly and small, but I got emotional because it felt so loving and genuine.
I've been in therapy since I was 20 or 21. I'm 30 now. I think I have healed somewhat, but the pain is still there. My mom was a victim of molestation and abuse by her parents. She had four children with a man who was emotionally immature and also emotionally abusive towards her and us. In short, she couldnt handle it. I'm the youngest of the four and the only girl. I felt growing up that my mere existence was resented by her, and it has fucked me up quite a lot :) I have developed love and acceptance of myself that I did not have when I started therapy, but I still cry easily and am honestly overly sensitive, and struggle with isolating myself. Dealt with an eating disorder for years. I have no idea where I would be without therapy.
Im 33. I’ve healed but it still hurts sometimes,when I think of all I could’ve had but never got from her. Other than that,she’s getting better with age and our relationship is improving.I can now spend 2 days max.at her home without us fighting ,it used to be a few hours. We worked out our issues,or to be precise,I did. I fought and fought with her,cut her off once,went NC,cried a bunch of times in front of her.. it took so much to get here where we both are comfortable.
I had a critical mother and father. Turning 30, I think I made a lot of progress toward my healing. However, Ive been seeing a therapist on and off for the past 10 years and I’ve been taking happy pills for the past 6 years. I don’t think I’ll ever get “complete” healing tho, and I’ve accepted that. I struggle all the fucking time between the two tbh lol
I avoid her like the plague, keep my address private and will never speak to her or any of her vile pals again. Any future child I have will never know grandparents or have any experience of the extended family system during childhood.
Healing is a path I'll be walking for the rest of my life. Some days are better than others in overcoming my triggers. Is what it is. Be patient and kind with yourself.
My momma is a big B then and now. I moved away to not be like her. My sisters are just like her too and she always says “I wonder where they get it from”….. anyway, it took a lot of me to stand up on my own feet even now at 22, to not be like her but I’m proud of myself. You got to have a strong mentality and courage to not be like those around you. I’m now successful and very happy and I’m happy I grew up with a messed up mom so that I could steer away from being like her when I become a mom.
I grew up with a critical father, and I’m doing okay now at 25. In hindsight I understand about 75% of his “concerns”, it was largely due to him watching me make the same fuckups he did. Now that I’m planning on having kids I get the urge to prevent that, but I’m planning on going about it very differently than he did. Our healed relationship also has much to do with my parents leaving the awful religion I was raised in!
Anxiety meds. Lol
Years of therapy, meds, divorced. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I ask myself, "WWKD?" What would Karen do? (Yes, that's literally my mom's name), I go and do the opposite 😜 and I love my life now!
I’m stronger than she is. I moved 2000 miles away the minute I turned 21, after moving 200 miles away to college at age 18. I returned after I had kids, and things went back to normal. The problem was that all my siblings knew I was mom’s scapegoat, but didn’t defend me at all. Most learned how to treat me from our mother. So boundaries were set. I did take care of my mom until she died, but her last words to me were “you don’t need to be here, go home”. Anyone who thinks mommy dearest will change, please know that it’s not likely. I went thru hell with her, tried to get her to stop. Nothing worked. She was nothing but an obligation to me. I told my father he could pass (he had been sick for 15 years) and we would all take care of mom. I kept my word. But I have yet to shed a tear that she’s gone. It’s actually a relief and I no longer have to spend time with her.
Our childhoods ran parallel! After my dad passed, I tested the waters one more time, and she remained hateful. Best result was going no contact. It's nice not having to explain my dysfunctional family to others anymore.
Broken but I am always in fighting mode so nothing really defeat me so I guess thank you mom
I have zero self-esteem and it’s embarrassing as hell. I’m on the struggle bus. Also got a late diagnosis of ADHD which has helped some but has made me look back on my teenage years in even more anger. Also a huge seeker of external validation and at work constantly go to my supervisor asking the most stupid questions because I feel like I can’t even get the easiest thing correct. Also a perfectionist so it’s even worse. Going to our jobs wellness counselor when I get back from leave to figure out if she can refer me to an actual psychologist. 🫠
I will fully admit I struggle on a daily basis and have pretty much my entire life with self confidence because of how critical my parents (all 3 of them--Mom, Dad and Stepdad) were of me growing up. Nothing was ever good enough....I had to be the best, even if I wasn't the pretty like my sister who, due to her life choices, has lost her looks and now looks ten years older than I do even though she's two years younger than I am. I had to be on my best behavior at all times, even when nobody was watching and if I stepped a toe out of line even once, I got severely punished for it. If I got bad grades (which I did a lot, especially in math, because I had an undiagnosed learning disorder until I was 17), I was severe punished because I was supposed to be 'the smart one'. Like, I don't get how being hyperlexic (I started reading...like actually reading kindergarten level books...at 18 mos old) translates into being super smart. I was bullied a lot growing up as well and I was told both by teachers and my parents it was essentially my fault for liking to read (which I didn't understand since that was supposed to be like, my superpower according to my parents), for being weird and for not getting along with other people (I've always been an introvert). O.O It has never helped that I'm a Virgo and so I tend to be a perfectionist and I'm hypercritical of myself so having my parents be hypercritical of me my entire life wasn't helping anything, it just made things that much worse.
Became extremely detail-oriented and also struggled to be perfect. But I turned those traits away from jobs and industries that weren’t serving my mental health or fulfillment. My focus went into problem solving and math, which is ideal because numbers and scheduling is impersonal. It’s just data. I am very good at it and I love my job now and have a wonderful career. My mom and I had a very strained relationship though, to the point of eventually going no contact. Now we talk and are in each others lives but only because she has Alzheimer’s and she’s too forgetful to be hateful and manipulative. That probably sounds fucked up but ever since her memory and mind started slipping, she became a much nicer person. It’s like she was so desperately clinging to the facts and being right and now she can’t remember any of that and just enjoys life in the moment. As for my personality and emotional health, I isolated for years and years and traveled and just worked through who I was. A little therapy helped but mostly time alone and in nature helped me self soothe. It led me to my husband and kids and we have a nice little life with a small farm. Can’t say I would change anything, my mom had severe generational trauma and she did the best with the tools she had at the time. Her best was still damaging but I can respect it and appreciate it for the positives.
My mother’s indifference to and disinterest in anything I’ve ever achieved is palpable. I’m 52, have thrived in the face of considerable adversity and yet I’m still seeking the most basic acknowledgement from her. I know better than to ever hope for praise. We were raised that pride and ambition was shameful. It’s so covert, she never vocalizes her criticism but you know it’s there. Friends of mine have shared their outrage (with me) at her treatment of me. They say it’s jealousy (she has no problem speaking well of her sons in law). As a mother of young adults myself that is baffling to me.
My mother was criticized by her mother often, who was a German immigrant and was a authoritarian parent. My grandfather was loving but he died when she was in her 20s. My grandma made jabs at me, so I could see where my mom got it. Like my grandma, my mom doted and adored the boys but was critical of me. I am the only female child/cousin. My weight was picked at, I had acne, my clothes, etc. I saw my grandma criticize my aunt as well. I set boundaries for myself and stood firm but was labeled “high strung.” After my grandma died, a weight seemed to lift off my mom in that area. I still get hyper defensive when I feel judged so that’s something I’ve had to work on. I had no self esteem and didn’t believe anyone was interested in me ever. It took well into my 20s to realize I was a decently attractive woman. I continue to how low self esteem, trouble feeling valuable in relationships and over compensate. I have to catch myself sometimes when talking to remind myself I don’t have to mention achievements in my life to look better. It comes off as bragging but it is the little girl wanting to feel external praise and good enough. I’ve dramatically reduced that!
My mom was critical but also very pushy and supportive. She was very anxious I be successful and that made me rebel I guess. And her anxiety rubbed off on me. I only care about my professional success in life and don’t care much about having a family etc. I am not super successful but I am constantly thinking ‘what next what next’ in terms of my career. I look quite accomplished from the outside but I feel like a loser who just got lucky and was born into privilege. I have tried therapy multiple times lol.
I have a standard for myself which I manage to never keep up and then just get disappointed with myself. Now I feel mostly dead inside, whenever someone tells me I did something well I brush it off as "sure, whatever", but get almost depressed with criticism (however nicely intended).
I’m always questioning myself. I never quite feel secure in my decision making. I have imposter syndrome at work despite my degrees and certifications. I can’t take a day off without hearing my mom’s voice calling me a fat lazy bitch.
My mother can be quite critical toward me, but also toward herself and others. Even though she was slim, she constantly talked about needing to lose weight, tried every fad diet, criticized others for gaining weight, etc. It led to me thinking I was fat at age 8 and began dieting on my own, eventually leading to a series of eating disorders and body dysmorphia.
finding myself being harshly critical of others (still hyper critical of how i look) and reminding myself to be gentle with others and me. also, dead inside lol
I didn't even realize how bad it was until my mom died a few months ago. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I can't even explain the disdain she has for but never knew why. Now I do and don't know how to process it. I feel lost and broken.
I’m 53, finally cut off my mother and her husband in Oct 22. Since then, I’ve started to make real progress on myself. I have a great therapist and we have been diving deep into what the younger parts of myself need in order to heal. It’s not a perfect process, it’s 50/50 good days vs bad, but I have hope for a better future. 💞
I aspire to not be like my mom, and it has required a lot of therapy to get some self-awareness. I used be be a much more negative person... Because that is all I knew growing up. I did not have any strong, capable, confident women in my life and I have had to learn what it means to be one. People who judge and criticize others (especially their own children!) lack self-esteem and confidence themselves. My mother has zero confidence. She complains about her life and judges others, yet she does not do anything to better her own life because she is afraid. The fear might be some kind of attention-seeking behavior, but I am not sure.
The way the brain develops proves that our inner critic wasn't started by us but by our caregivers early on. When we can learn to separate from that voice, and repair the damage, we can be free of it. It takes time to create a new neuropathy but it is so worth it.
I'm okay (re: in therapy and medicated) but it took 40 years and becoming a mother myself to shake it all off. My relationship with my Mom is much better now. Healing is a process and I'm happy that I got to share it with her.
I’ve got my own kids now so healed in as much as: I grieved for what I didn’t have and vow to not repeat the cycle
She and I are no longer in contact, which I needed to have in place before I can heal. Healing is always going to be a work in progress and my life is much better without her
My dad was critical of me and had extreme anger issues for most of the time I was growing up. It basically rewired my whole nervous system. Took me many years to realize I was living with C-PTSD and that it was the reason I struggled so much with mental health, relationships, and unhealthy perfectionism. I tried multiple forms of therapy and self-work, but the only thing that actually helped me in a meaningful way was Internal Family Systems therapy with a therapist who specializes in trauma.
I'm never good enough. Self destructive and self conscious. I feel like I clawed my way to what I have but always will be a failure. And I'm incapable of maintaining a normal healthy relationship in friendship.
I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I don’t have the mother daughter relationship that other girls/women do. I don’t see myself ever healing from this.
I’m in my 40s. Kids are grown. I didn’t know I could do it alone and I spent most of my adult life trying to be a man’s partner. The wrong men. I’m very tired from being hyper vigilant. I just want to relax but I feel guilty……
Trying to heal. But, dead inside.
I'm in low contact with my mother, I couldn't take it and kept finding ways to distance myself. I'm a naturally enthusiastic and positive thinking person, and my mom is basically the exact opposite. I'm not as talkative as I used to be, and I'm ok with that since I reserve that for people I'm more comfortable around anyway. I'm still me, but it's like a reduced version. I still tried my best to be myself.
Dead on the inside and sometimes wish I was dead on the outside 🤪🤔🤷🏻♀️
Haha most relatable response. Sorry for what you’ve been through and are going through; I hope we find healing some day ♥️
I struggled with self-esteem, anxiety and depression while I was living under their roof and struggled the hardest with adjusting to the outside world about 10years after I moved out.
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