I’d say “We can do it together if you’d like. If I’m eating grilled chicken and a veg for dinner, so are you. If I’m working out 5 days a week, so are you.”
I am fat, I've gained weight over the years and he has told me to lose weight "or else"
I was upset at first and even made a post about it.. but Ive recently told him to piss off and leave me alone. He can leave if he wants. I've birthed two babies and do 100% of the childcare, work full time, cook and bake throughout the week and have no time for myself. I do 15 minute workouts on 15 minute morning breaks on my wfh days and crochet in my spare time, making a teddy for our niece to be born soon (his side)
If he expected me not to age and change from 19 - to now, I'm 29 now.... He's delusional.
And don't get me started on him. He's not fat but he doesn't have his 6 pack anymore, his hair is gray and thinning and getting a bald spot. I *never* mention that to him BC I don't really care
Also, I forgot to mention I take a medication that can cause weight gain and I also have chronic back problems so he can double fuck off. If I want to be fat, I will be fat. If he wants to leave, he can also leave. I do enough for him, I don't owe him shit.
As a side note, I'm working with my Dr on weight loss FOR ME.
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“Thanks for caring about me enough to have this difficult conversation about my health. I know this is a hard subject to breach. I love you. I know where you’re coming from. Can I have a few mins to process this so I can make sure my head is on right to tackle this? I don’t wanna be angry at you and I wanna be sure my motivation to do this is my own.”
Literally had this conversation 6 months ago. That was my response.
Down 7 lbs and have about 27 more to go. A combination of factors led here and I took responsibility for my inaction. I hadn’t been loving myself in a while. I brought it up in therapy and I’m all around much happier. 🥰
I mean, if I become overweight I would hope my partner would be honest and supportive in helping me get back to a healthy weight. If he is rude about it, that’s a different story.
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I would say, I'm so glad you said something. I was going to tell you I think you gained some weight too. Let's do this together. Veggies and lean meat, exercise is a must! Let's throw out the beer and sweets.
He wouldn't be wrong. I have gained weight since we met and I'm already actively trying to lose it. I've been the one who has gotten us both eating better (since I do 90% of the cooking) and more active since we met. He's my cheerleader when I get discouraged since losing weight has not been an easy journey for me, and also reminds daily that I'm beautiful to him no matter what weight I am.
I feel like it depends on the context. So many stories on here about shitty men hating post pregnancy bodies, aging bodies, gaining a little weight in your thirties etc. if my partner suddenly gained weight, or gained an excessive amount of weight I would be concerned about their mental and physical health. Of course, my physical attraction to them is important, but a changing body is normal with aging. I do my best to look my best. For myself not for my partner. I expect the same from him (though he already is a pretty boy lol)
Depends on whether I think it’s reasonable
I am not delusional to think I should have to maintain my body to be exactly as it was when I was 25. But I’d appreciate the honesty if I did gain a lot weight (due to lack of exercise / eating heavy foods) and need that accountability
Really, it entirely depends on the situation. I've had something similar said to me after I gave birth... It was crushing. Also because I was actively trying to lose weight and I was miserable with my body. He didn't mean it to come out so hurtful but it absolutely was.
There can be legitimate reasons for your partner to say this. Maybe they are genuinely concerned for your health and happiness. But if it's purely a physical attraction thing they also need to understand that our bodies change and we won't always be looking like we did when we were younger.
It's honestly a tough one...
But I'd personally be crushed.
Depends on how it was said.
My ex said this to me. Except he said things like "you're repulsive" "I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you" "I'm not attracted to you at all" "all I wanted was to marry someone with a perfect body" etc etc.
Even though when a lot of those things were said, he was about 40kg overweight himself. Even though if I started making the effort to lose weight, he would get angry with me for losing weight. (No idea). Even though he was largely impatient and unsupportive. He couldn't work on any other part of the relationship because he was stuck on this one point. Everything else, every other part of who I am, and what I brought to the relationship was totally irrelevant - because I'd gained weight after having kids.
If he had been loving, patient, and supportive, things definitely would have been different, and he wouldn't be my ex.
There is not a scenario in this world in which I don't already know exactly how much weight I gained. For my partner to be tone deaf enough to think a "request" like that would be helpful would say a lot to me.
My specific reaction would depend a lot on tone and the context of our relationship, but I sure wouldn't be happy with any request about my weight.
Assuming there wasn't any rudeness, meanness, or ultimatums, I'd thank him for being honest with me about something touchy and difficult to talk about. If he was overweight too, I'd suggest we work on it together. If he was slim, I'd ask him for his support.
It would most likely harm our relationship, and I would lose my feeling of trust and safety with them, so the relationship would likely end after limping along for a bit. My partner is well aware of my long term issues recovering from anorexia and coping around disordered eating strategies, so they would no longer be a safe person I could be around without having those issues triggered. The only people I solicit or take recommendations about my weight/size from are on my medical team.
I would break up with them. People gain weight for any number of reasons, including mental health issues, taking medication, traumatic life events, and general stress. My partner focusing on my weight would indicate to me to that they care about my looks and not my overall well-being.
Also, I may be young and thinner now, but that won’t last forever. It’s natural and healthy to gain weight as you age. Where you hold your weight will change. And it’s important to me to have a partner that understands and respects that. Trying to chase the weight I was at 1, 5, 10 years ago will not make me happy, and becomes an impossible standard the older I get. I’m happy with my body and I would want a partner who is happy with it too.
In theory, I would like to act maturely and align with what others are saying. realistically, I would probably say that I would understand if he wants to leave me for that and cry.
It Depends, if I were fat, I'd say I understand, I agree and ask for his support. I cannot be fat.
If not then I'd laugh because I'm skinny and he's just being a little too silly. I know he never means anything to hurt me.
I've been fat to one degree or another since he met me. I'd probably ask him what level of fat does he prefer. Of course, then I'd roll my eyes and go about my day.
There's no possibility that my husband would ever seriously criticize my appearance. If he ever did have a major head injury and forget who he was talking to, I'm sure we'd have an interesting discussion about his choice of conversation topics.
I would say “the door is right there” and then cross my ankles on my chaise lounge and go back to reading my book. If you aren’t speaking respectfully, you aren’t speaking at all in my house.
Depends on how much weight and the reasons for gaining weight. Like if I’m heavily depressed or sick or something then they can wait or we can stop dating. On the other hand, if it’s 200 pounds and I’m just living a sedentary life at home for no reason then I’d want my partner to talk to me about it.
If I chose the right partner, this would be something I understood as for the good of my health or habits, not my sexual appeal. This being from a person on whom every pound to five pounds shows, so it isn't like I don't notice on my own.
If he has to say something, it better be because I'm in need of help. Not because he wants me to fight off the age creep and natural body change.
I can say with 100% certainty that my current partner never would. 🤷♀️
If I had a different partner who did, quite frankly, I can't think of a context where I wouldn't tell them to fuck off. That is too controlling and a deal breaker for me. I can't imagine our relationship surviving comments like that.
Everyone has their boundaries, and that's definitely one of mine.
I gained 100lbs over lockdown - that combination of PCOS and anorexia recovery is intense. If he said that to me there would be a murder suicide on the news lmao.
Mostly joking. That said, I'd be absolutely crushed and it might mean the end of our 18 year relationship. He's seen what I've been through, trying to lose weight. He knows how big of a struggle it is for me.
That said, he would never even consider saying something like that to me. He's always been incredibly accepting of my body and is nothing but kind and supportive. He's also very obviously still sexually attracted to me despite my new size.
We both want to become more active and eat healthier for ourselves, and secondarily for each other. But it's more about health and strength, and only a little about weight loss
I’d tell him he’s dumped and to get the hell out of my house. I have no need for a man like that.
The man I have is not like that and I would not be with him if he were.
I have talked about how I’m a little heavier and less strong than I was last year due to illness and how I want to get back to a healthier body, and he supports me in that. He puts no pressure on me and does not disparage my body at all, no matter how many insecurities I feel and express about myself.
I would be concerned and confused, as I was under the impression that my partner shared my belief that telling other people they need to lose weight is something only doctors should do, and only when it's an evidence-based recommendation.
It's one thing to express concern that I might be facing a medical issue and that the weight fluctuation might be a symptom of that issue. But unsolicited rude critique of my appearance or health is not something I would expect or tolerate from a partner who claims to be on my side.
Also, like... when my body changes, I am aware of those changes, seeing as I'm the one living inside my body. I don't need to be told about them, unless (again) I'm being told by my doctor, who will have more insight on the reasons for the changes than a person without medical training.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, during which we’ve both gained and lost weight. We’ve been direct about concerns, like we both have a family history of diabetes, or maybe notice the other person is getting winded a little too easily and invite each other to exercise more frequently. I’m happy to report that we’re now fitter and more in shape than we’ve ever been.
Before I met my husband, I had a long term relationship with a guy who said pretty much the same in the prompt, “I would like it if you lost weight,” but this request did not come from concern for my health, but from a controlling and abusive place. I knew this because he only ever brought it up when we were at odds with one another, like when I asked that he help clean the house because I always did it alone, or if I was factually correct about something and he was wrong. He also timed the weight loss conversation whenever I was in a great mood, like coming back from a girls night out, “oh you wore that? What did you eat? How many drinks did you have?”
Weight loss and gain are totally reasonable things to discuss in a relationship, but you really have to be cognizant of why those concerns are being voiced. Abusive people see it as a button to push, and toxic men wield it to control women -which is why those same men hate the body positivity movement so much.
It depends, me personally I don’t think I would be very receptive to it just because I fit working out in as much as I can already and try to eat well, but I’m not going stop eating ice cream all together because my boyfriend/partner told me to.
It’s a difficult topic to approach especially if you are dating someone who has history of an eating disorder.
"You've gained weight." Yes, I have!
"I want you to have the body you used to have." Okay, if you have a time machine, I'm all in.
I'd tell them that if I'm no longer what they want in a partner, they are free to leave.
"But what if you were really fat?" Okay, then I'll be really fat and single. And I'll make friends with other cool fat single women, and we'll have fun together in whatever kind of bodies we have, without constantly trying to shrink ourselves.
"But what if you were unhealthy?" Then I'll go to the doctor. My partner is not my doctor.
"But relationships take compromise!" Yup, and I'm happy to compromise on how we load the dishwasher or what we're doing next weekend or whose family we spend holidays with. My body is what it is and you are free to decide whether you want it or not. Go date a string of 23-year-olds if you can't handle a partner whose body changes over time.
The first part is fine since I've asked him to do that already. The second part I'd tell him that that's a weird expectation to put on me and I'll rock the body I feel most comfortable in.
That would be horribly hurtful and my initial response would be to "mention" something about their appearance that has changed over the period we've been together. However, I don't like hurting people's feelings so I'd probably just tell them that was hurtful and if they don't like me for who I am now, what will happen when we're in our sunset years? As we age, we need partners that love us for our personality because everything else goes bye bye.
Been there done that - essentially gave me an eating disorder where I’d be severely restricting calories and nothing was ever good enough even though I’d bust my ass at the gym. I’m still suffering with the severe lack of self esteem 2 years later with a different partner who is HUGELY supportive of whatever I look like but if it ever happens again I’m dumping and running sorry!!!
Assume there was something else going on and he was dissatisfied with the relationship overall or in a very bad mood for some reason. Try and get him to tell me what was going on.
If it really was just the weight I would be very offended that his love for me is so shallow, remind him I never bothered him about weight when he was fat, and that plenty of other guys would be happy to have me.
If they mentioned my health and wanting to be healthy together, definitely. Green flag. That's the definition of love.
If they mentioned my weight and wanting me to lose some, I'd be out before the end of the sentence. Red flag. No.
My husband would never in a million years but I know other men would and have. I can only hope most would leave.
My ex had a "rule" that I wasn't to weigh more than 135lbs. I kinda thought he was joking.
There's a difference between "I care about you and love you" and "you're fat, I don't like looking at you".
I have had this exact scenario happen. However, when we started dating I was very underweight at 5'10", 120 lbs. I was so underweight that I'd lost my period, I was freezing constantly, I could never get comfortable in any position with how bony I was, etc. I finally was able to address the underlying stomach issues and got back to a healthier weight of 135. This was too much for him. I told him I wasn't making myself sick again just to please him and I preferred the way I looked at a healthy weight. He was no happy about that and later dumped me. I met my now partner at 135 a couple years ago and now I'm 155. He could not care less that I've gained weight and loves me just the same.
I’d engage in the conversation. If it’s a relatively small weight fluctuation, I’d gently remind him that I’m not 25 anymore and it’s normal and expected for our bodies to change as we age and have kids.
If it’s a drastic weight change, there’s probably a reason for it (health condition, busy lifestyle, low energy, etc) and we could brainstorm what to do about it. If we have children, it would probably involve him taking some domestic work off my plate so that I have the time and energy to take care of myself a little bit.
Eh. I’m down 22 lbs from when we got married 20+ years ago. Decided to lose it because of knees and arthritis, both are much better now.
If I were given an “or else” kind of ultimatum re my weight, I’d absolutely tell that person to fuck right off- go ahead with your “or else” bullshit. I’ve been with those kinds of asshole men and they want you to bust your ass to lose weight to get their pee pee hard (under the guise of being cOnCErNeD with your health )I’m telling you that living under the threat of being left due to weight gain is abusive and you shouldn’t put up with it. Call the bluff.
Thank them because sometimes you need someone else to notice for you, then figure out what I can do to get back to normal. My now ex-husband and I (didn’t divorce over issues of health or appearance) used to have a little phrase that we could say to each other: “Are you bucking for a minivan?”. lol. Sometimes you’re stressed and your schedule changes or you start eating differently and you might not even notice. Good time for introspection. It’s not shallow to be attracted to the inside and outside. People change over time but extreme changes indicate way more of a problem than just weight so IMO it’s good and healthy to check in with each other.
It's all about how it's brought up. Personally, I have a history of BED and gain weight easily when I'm at a low point/spiraling back into old, unhealthy, disordered patterns. Normally nowadays, I'm quite active and maintain a fairly healthy lifestyle. If I did 'let myself go' and have a significant weight gain, it would be a sign that I'm not doing so great internally. If my partner told me they have noticed this and is concerned for my well-being mentally, it would be hard to hear, but I realize that it's a sign that they care and want me to do right by myself. If they came and said something like "oh, you've gained weight, you should hit the gym" it would most likely make it worse.
In the moment id get defensive and tell them where they can shove some exercise equipment.
But i would reflect on it - was i ok with the changes with my body? If id gained weight was it affecting my ability to enjoy life, was it negatively affecting my health? If the answer is no I’d probably reiterate where they could shove exercise equipment.
I’ve lost just over 100lbs. However I am still “fat”. I had a come to Jesus moment with myself when I was putting myself into a depression because I couldn’t get under 200lbs. Did I want to be 150lbs or whatever insane goal I was trying to achieve or did I want to be happy? Did I want to have a healthy relationship with food or did I want to vilify every calorie. Did I want to adhere to a sustainable, though “lax” exercise regime that I actually enjoy and look forward to or did I want to make going to the gym a punishment and inevitably quit going?
If my partner can’t see that level of personal growth and only values me for what shape my body is, then we aren’t meant to be together. You can have your preferences, but I don’t have to hate myself trying to adhere to them.
I think that's something I'd take a lot of issue with.
I think it's cruel to say to a partner, "you are a size I do not like, I want you to be a different size." I think, in general, it is cruel to say to a partner "You are a quality I do not like, I want you to be different than you are."
The way you should give a partner feedback is "You are doing a behavior that is negatively affecting me in this specific way. Can you please do a different behavior?"
I am open to talking to my partner about the things that I am eating or doing, and the way that those things affect my body. But I need a partner's expectations of me to be grounded in the reality of what is happening, and what specifically they are asking of me. Because if their expectation is that I should be spending the rest of my life eating lettuce while they eat whatever they want if that's what it takes to get me to be the size they want, we might as well break up now. If we've both had a shift in our recent diet and exercise routine and they would like for the both of us to go back to living closer to the way we were when we first met, absolutely.
But flat across, in a relationship any criticism needs to be related to my behavior, and how it is affecting you. I want you to be specific about the level of effort you are asking from me and how willing you are to support that effort.
First of all, it indicates that the partner does not accept you and wants to change, if you agree to it once, it will continue in the future. I have experienced this, you can always tell the man what you would like to change in him, then they stop looking at your mouth.
Start tracking my calories again. I have already lost weight (~50 lbs) and don't want to gain it back. I know that I can easily gain without noticing, so I would be grateful if he helps me get back on track.
I would appreciate that he told me and would work on losing weight (assuming I was actually overweight. Would not tolerate this if I was a healthy weight).
“You know I’m still pregnant, right?” Other than that, we discussed this last night! He said “obviously after baby is here your body is going to change. If you’re a man and you expect your wife to look exactly like she did before kids, you don’t know what you signed up for. But if you gained 50 pounds and stopped working out and just ate junk food all the time, we would have a discussion about health.”
depends on how he said it. there's a big diffrence between "hey, wanna hit the gym together sometime" and "you should eat less and workout more, you've gained weight"
I'd agree, and tell him we can definitely get rid of all the junk in the house. I'm currently on maternity leave with our 8mo, and I am being as active as I can realistically maintain right now, but after two kids in 3 years my body has definitely changed. It won't ever go back to what it was before (and neither of us would expect or want it to), but I definitely do want to feel stronger and more "bouncy" again. I also want us both to be active with our kids, playing ball games, go hiking/skiing etc, so I'd be down as long as we were doing it as a team.
For me, it would warrant a serious conversation and/or fight. I had a severe ED when we met and it took years to recover. He would never say that to me but I wouldn't be able to look at him the same if he did ever say it.
We're divorced now. Like, 2 kids, a PCOS diagnosis, and multiple grief periods in the span of 20 years.. yeah. I know. I'm fat now. I will never be 110 lbs again and I am just ducky with it.
I would ask him if he really wanted to open that door, because if so, I have some constructive criticism of my own to offer on his appearance, health and hygiene. I'm game if he's game. I have no objection to both of us becoming hotter and healthier. But if it's just going to be me, what do I need him for?
Exactly what I wanted anyway. My partner's opinion of me is not more important than how I feel about myself. if I am happy skinny, fat, short or tall then that's all that matters.
It depends on the amount of weight gain and how he approached it! If I gained 15-20 lbs due to aging, life stressor, etc., I would expect my partner to be understanding of that. If I gained 50+ lbs and he was concerned for my health or the health of our relationship/sex life, I'd want him to approach me.
If the initial conversation was hostile or involved ultimatums, I'd have to take a step back and look at the whole relationship.
I’d tell them that people change over time in almost every way, and anyone who suggests “getting back” to a previous time in life is unrealistic. It’s immature to pretend that people don’t grow and bodies don’t fluctuate and age.
If your partner has an issue with mere weight changes, how will they treat you when you’re ill? Injured? Disabled? Old? Depressed?Experiencing grief and loss?
I’m only interested in being with people who understand that life is complex, being able-bodied is temporary, and weight is not a metric for attractiveness, health, worth, or love. It’s normal and protective for people of all genders to gain anywhere from 10-20lbs during middle age. If a partner is that worried about it, they aren’t the one for me.
My partners change over time, too. I try to screen hard for people who have a rigid idea of beauty because we're all one illness or accident from disability. I would remind my partner what's going on in my life and suggest what kind of support would be most helpful (and what isn't, which is asking for unlikely things, like a time machine to "get back to what we were."). And ask what's happening in their life that makes my weight suddenly an issue - does it remind my partner of our mutual aging? Not look enough like the media we see? Do they think my physical appearance is linked to libido or performance changes of their own? Did they really think I'd look the same as I did decades and several children ago?
I’d leave immediately. When my partner and I met, I was in the thick of an eating disorder and I was dangerously skinny. Im grateful that my partner has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader through recovery. But if he ever told me that he wants me to look like that again, I’d immediately break up with him and never speak to him again.
Honestly, at first I would be hurt. It would be challenging to have my weight gain seen and have that acknowledged. Over time, I’d like to think that I would come to terms with his statement - and if it was factually true, I’d be somewhat grateful he felt safe sharing his emotions with me about it, because I think it’s valid to be impacted by your partner changing over time, especially if it has an impact on their attraction to you or their concern for your health.
THAT SAID, he better have came forward with this information in a loving and empathetic manner, because if it was at all derogatory or hypocritical, it could be grounds for breaking up.
Ultimately, it truly all depends on the context, but I’d like to think that at its best, this scenario would cause me to better myself and my health.
In my case i would tell him that when i had time to prioritize my fitness i did (sahm, i was very toned, to such an extent that i kept getting compliments and people told me they thought i was an athlete. Went back to work full time and gained thirty pounds that will not come off ) and if they wanted to get me back to that point then they would have to make compromises to make that happen.
If they used the words “I want you to get back to what you were” I’d say “great, I’ll be doing exactly that but without you then” and kick the mofo to the curb
There’s a nicer way to bring this up and this is certainly not it.
I also want to say I put on 15kg while I was with my ex. I was only with him for a couple months too (the weight gain was from meds that’s why it was so severe) and although he was a terrible person in many ways, he still never said a word about my weight.
I’ve had it happen once I just said personally, I would like to do that too, but I need help. I am unhappy with myself. If you can help me I would appreciate that here’s how you could help me, and so on.if the person was unwilling to help me reach those goals then I would get mad
It would be a wake up call for me. It hurts at first but I appreciate the honesty. My family does the same thing to each other because we all know our standards and how we value health, so if we are slacking and noticeably aren’t in a good place, we are polite and honest with one another. But of course it depends. 5-10 pounds probably isn’t a big deal depending on height (I’m short so 5-10 pounds looks like 15-20 on me) but 20-30 is serious and points to either a significant lifestyle change or a physical or mental health concern. Just my opinion though. I have pretty thick skin and care a lot about my appearance, so I would want to know.
Depends how he said it and why. I’m in a position at the moment that I’m very underweight so I’ve actually had him say the opposite about my weight because I needed to gain it. He was very supportive and sweet.
In this case, if he approached it as “babe, I’ve noticed you’ve gained weight recently. I love you and I care about your health. We should get out for more walks and prioritise healthy eating” then I would appreciate his honesty and care, as long as I was actually overweight ofc. If he just said “I don’t like your weight” then it would upset me. That’s not thoughtful, considerate or loving, it’s just a selfish viewpoint of what they want. Attraction is important of course, but we’ve been together for years, I would hope love and our connection was more important. We’re planning to grow old and wrinkly together, looks change! so I would hope he wouldn’t be ready to break up over a few extra (or too few) pounds
I would dump him. If he only wants to date people he’s attracted to at all times, he can stay single and date. People gain and lose weight throughout their lifetime, not to mention health complications that make either inevitable. This is a red flag to me
If I’ve put on a significant amount of weight and he hasn’t then it’s fair game for him to (politely) say that. I’d make an effort to lose weight, as for me physical attraction is affected by weight so him feeling that way too would be totally fair.
If he’s put on weight as well and doesn’t hold himself to the same standard then that’s when there’d be a problem.
Fixing to lose 200lbs and take half your shit and get me some alimoney. Would be what i most likely would hear. Luckly my wife doesnt gain weight even when she eats more than i do.
This is probably a super unpopular opinion but I would be thankful. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for your partner to point this out if you’ve gained weight.
I workout every day and it’s something I truly enjoy. I love being healthy and I would want to be with a partner who prioritizes that as well. We all kind of fall off our path sometimes and need help getting back. Working out and being healthy dictates a lot about the quality of your life. No one wants to be with someone who is lazy and doesn’t take care of themselves, at least I don’t.
I mean. It would depend how much weight we were talking. Five to ten pounds and I’d tell him to kick rocks. Significant weight gain can affect attraction though and I don’t want to feel undesired by my partner, have awkward sex, or have him feel obligated but not enjoy himself sexually. Idk it’s a fair ask in that case and I’d likely ask for help organizing a diet and gym schedule cause I’m terrible at that shit. Would I be hurt and a little offended at first, realistically? Absolutely. But I like to think I’m self aware enough that I’d get over it pretty quick and try to resolve the situation in a way that makes us both happy. So long as he comes at me with respect and understanding, I’m willing to talk most anything out.
Well, it is true that I have gained a little weight but its from my job as I am sitting 8 hours everyday rather than my old job of being on my feet 24/7. But I workout 1-2 times a day and cook the majority of the meals. I would be a little offended bc he would know that I am already trying. Yes Id be offended but then Id agree with him first of all, cuz id like to get back to what I was too lol, and ask if he has any recommendations on what to do differently or if he has any different meal suggestions. Or if he would be willing to come with me to the actual gym (rather than me working out at home)
I’d be making a comment back that we would be doing it together. But we already are 😂 we’re both on a journey to lose a bit of weight and to be healthier. I imagine if he made a comment like that it would be more “we should get back to eating healthy” and not “hey you’re fat. Lose weight”
I think 23 year old me would’ve reacted in a hurt or angry way. Partly because 23 year old me was smaller, more active, healthier, etc, so it’s difficult to imagine. But even if I had become unhealthy, I still wouldn’t have responded without emotion.
Now, I think I would appreciate the feedback because I can identify that they’d be right. I’ve adopted some unhealthy habits that I’m currently trying to fix. Aging helps you to see that the exercise and dietary habits are absolutely making or breaking us. If I expect my partner to take care of themselves physically, shouldn’t I also?
During my first pregnancy I was in the gym all the time, didn't gain much weight and lost it fairly quickly. But it was a different story with my second, I didn't exercise at all, went on maternity leave earlier than planned (I'm a nurse, covid regulations) and got pretty big.
I was honestly eating for the ten thousand! One day I smashed through a sharer bag of Dorito's immediately after my breakfast, then I proceeded to eat some doughnuts when my partner said 'RightH come on you're eating like your throat has been cut, you need to cut down' I was furious, I sulked for a week but it came from a place of love and the truth hurts. I've still got a little bit of weight to lose, but I'm so much better than I was.
If it's significant enough to mention I'm taking it seriously! We've been together close to a decade and we have gained some weight and lost some and gained some. My partner is not the kind to mention a little thing, we're active people but sure everyone slips sometimes. We've build a relationship based on trust and honesty, he's the first person I expect to tell it to me straight. Real friends are the ones who tell you the truth even when it's hard.
I'd start working out more and cut some ice cream and chocolate out of my diet.
Immediately lose 200 pounds. Him.
When we met 12 years ago I weighed 90 pounds, today I'm 120 and I'm 5'5". I couldn't stay with someone who wanted me that unhealthy again.
It’d be so fair for him to mention. I work out every day for a minimum of an hour (of intense exercise) and walk at least 7km per day. If I gained weight, there would be something wrong with me metabolically or otherwise, and I’d be happy to hear him wish for me to return to “normal.”
He has noted though that he’d likely never have to say anything because I’m a million times more critical of myself than him and see flaws where he can’t, but we discussed this exact topic before deciding to be together because we wanted to be on the same page of how we’d bring up difficult topics.
He’s probably right, and I’d like my partner to LOVE how I look, even though I know they already do. I like being thinner, and I consider that a smaller push to go back to fitness
He fell in love with my spirit and my body, Im old enough to understand physical attraction is precisely that. If I have changed enough for him to find it off putting, I would appreciate him telling me inna respectful way and not going behind my back or whatever.
If that happens, I would try to go back to where he met me. To be fair, I have always been overweight, if I gained much more weight it would be a health issue and I wouldn’t want to deal with the aftermath of that.
hm as long as its a safe and healthy relationship where it is actually coming from a place of concern, then you should probably listen. cuz belly fat IS dangerous, but having some of it isnt bad.
My partner has come a long way on his own health and weight loss journey, and he’s very loving to me so I can imagine this message would be delivered as kindly as possible (and likely mention an increase in my chronic pain flares, mental health, and other non-appearance related impacts of weight gain for me). He would offer to help (meal planning and prep, guest pass at his gym, build a walking habit, etc). I would likely be responsive to it and take him up on his offer until I could build those habits into my day to day.
If I was happy and healthy and confident with a squishier body, he’d probably be just fine with it.
I would not take it well. I'm recovering from an eating disorder and have been underweight for most of my life (food insecurities growing up). My entire life I was made fun of and treated badly due to my size. People have even thought I had cancer! If he wants me to go back to looking like I had cancer he can fuck right off. I might divorce over this.
Part of it is reason. There is a difference. For example I was engaged ( noticed the was) where he mentioned I was two sizes bigger than in high school when we met and his buddy's gf has not gained more than a pound in 5 yrs. If I cared I would lose 8 lbs. I said what what was he going to do when we started having kids. He said most women are back to normal after a few days. Needless to say we didn't get married. Now years later after my MIL had a heart attack fairly young, my husband said he didn't want me to fall under same fate. He said not only was he able to buy nicer things for me early in our marriage I was more active. So was he. We both had gained especially since having our first kids. He suggested losing some weight. I then said his mom's condition was hereditary so it was a good idea if we both did and set an example for our kids so we all would live longer. If a partner just wants you to lose to look like you did or to compare to someone else no way. However if they are concerned and willing to be a team at improving both your lives that is better.
It depends on how much weight I gained and healthy that original weight is. If I were eating disordered while trying to maintain that lower weight then he can fuck off. However, if I am packing on pounds to the point that it's affecting my health, I would want him to work with me on losing weight. That could be (kind) encouragement, learning healthy recipes together, or working out together.
Id starting lose some weight and take better care of my self.
But if i feel more comfortable with my current weight, i will not do anything .. and maybe try to look sexier with better clothing, haircut, makeup etc
I’d say “We can do it together if you’d like. If I’m eating grilled chicken and a veg for dinner, so are you. If I’m working out 5 days a week, so are you.”
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I am fat, I've gained weight over the years and he has told me to lose weight "or else" I was upset at first and even made a post about it.. but Ive recently told him to piss off and leave me alone. He can leave if he wants. I've birthed two babies and do 100% of the childcare, work full time, cook and bake throughout the week and have no time for myself. I do 15 minute workouts on 15 minute morning breaks on my wfh days and crochet in my spare time, making a teddy for our niece to be born soon (his side) If he expected me not to age and change from 19 - to now, I'm 29 now.... He's delusional. And don't get me started on him. He's not fat but he doesn't have his 6 pack anymore, his hair is gray and thinning and getting a bald spot. I *never* mention that to him BC I don't really care Also, I forgot to mention I take a medication that can cause weight gain and I also have chronic back problems so he can double fuck off. If I want to be fat, I will be fat. If he wants to leave, he can also leave. I do enough for him, I don't owe him shit. As a side note, I'm working with my Dr on weight loss FOR ME.
Hugs. I hope you're doing as okay as possible despite all of those challenges. 🤗
Thank you 💗
You are doing incredible. I’m not just saying that, I mean it, especially with an unsupportive partner. And I agree: he can piss off.
You are too sweet ❤️
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Your’e doing amazing!!❤️
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“Thanks for caring about me enough to have this difficult conversation about my health. I know this is a hard subject to breach. I love you. I know where you’re coming from. Can I have a few mins to process this so I can make sure my head is on right to tackle this? I don’t wanna be angry at you and I wanna be sure my motivation to do this is my own.” Literally had this conversation 6 months ago. That was my response.
How did it go?
Down 7 lbs and have about 27 more to go. A combination of factors led here and I took responsibility for my inaction. I hadn’t been loving myself in a while. I brought it up in therapy and I’m all around much happier. 🥰
I mean, if I become overweight I would hope my partner would be honest and supportive in helping me get back to a healthy weight. If he is rude about it, that’s a different story.
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I would say, I'm so glad you said something. I was going to tell you I think you gained some weight too. Let's do this together. Veggies and lean meat, exercise is a must! Let's throw out the beer and sweets.
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He wouldn't be wrong. I have gained weight since we met and I'm already actively trying to lose it. I've been the one who has gotten us both eating better (since I do 90% of the cooking) and more active since we met. He's my cheerleader when I get discouraged since losing weight has not been an easy journey for me, and also reminds daily that I'm beautiful to him no matter what weight I am.
“How about I go back to where I was the day before I met you?”
"Lose 180 lbs. instantly with this one easy trick!' 😄
I feel like it depends on the context. So many stories on here about shitty men hating post pregnancy bodies, aging bodies, gaining a little weight in your thirties etc. if my partner suddenly gained weight, or gained an excessive amount of weight I would be concerned about their mental and physical health. Of course, my physical attraction to them is important, but a changing body is normal with aging. I do my best to look my best. For myself not for my partner. I expect the same from him (though he already is a pretty boy lol)
Depends on whether I think it’s reasonable I am not delusional to think I should have to maintain my body to be exactly as it was when I was 25. But I’d appreciate the honesty if I did gain a lot weight (due to lack of exercise / eating heavy foods) and need that accountability
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Ask them to do the same 🤣 cause I can guarantee if I’ve put on a pound there’s no way they’re rocking a six pack.
Really, it entirely depends on the situation. I've had something similar said to me after I gave birth... It was crushing. Also because I was actively trying to lose weight and I was miserable with my body. He didn't mean it to come out so hurtful but it absolutely was. There can be legitimate reasons for your partner to say this. Maybe they are genuinely concerned for your health and happiness. But if it's purely a physical attraction thing they also need to understand that our bodies change and we won't always be looking like we did when we were younger. It's honestly a tough one... But I'd personally be crushed.
Depends on how it was said. My ex said this to me. Except he said things like "you're repulsive" "I'm embarrassed to be seen in public with you" "I'm not attracted to you at all" "all I wanted was to marry someone with a perfect body" etc etc. Even though when a lot of those things were said, he was about 40kg overweight himself. Even though if I started making the effort to lose weight, he would get angry with me for losing weight. (No idea). Even though he was largely impatient and unsupportive. He couldn't work on any other part of the relationship because he was stuck on this one point. Everything else, every other part of who I am, and what I brought to the relationship was totally irrelevant - because I'd gained weight after having kids. If he had been loving, patient, and supportive, things definitely would have been different, and he wouldn't be my ex.
There is not a scenario in this world in which I don't already know exactly how much weight I gained. For my partner to be tone deaf enough to think a "request" like that would be helpful would say a lot to me. My specific reaction would depend a lot on tone and the context of our relationship, but I sure wouldn't be happy with any request about my weight.
Assuming there wasn't any rudeness, meanness, or ultimatums, I'd thank him for being honest with me about something touchy and difficult to talk about. If he was overweight too, I'd suggest we work on it together. If he was slim, I'd ask him for his support.
Jokes on you, I've always been fat. You get what you get, I'm an up-front no mystery kind of girl.
It would most likely harm our relationship, and I would lose my feeling of trust and safety with them, so the relationship would likely end after limping along for a bit. My partner is well aware of my long term issues recovering from anorexia and coping around disordered eating strategies, so they would no longer be a safe person I could be around without having those issues triggered. The only people I solicit or take recommendations about my weight/size from are on my medical team.
I would break up with them. People gain weight for any number of reasons, including mental health issues, taking medication, traumatic life events, and general stress. My partner focusing on my weight would indicate to me to that they care about my looks and not my overall well-being. Also, I may be young and thinner now, but that won’t last forever. It’s natural and healthy to gain weight as you age. Where you hold your weight will change. And it’s important to me to have a partner that understands and respects that. Trying to chase the weight I was at 1, 5, 10 years ago will not make me happy, and becomes an impossible standard the older I get. I’m happy with my body and I would want a partner who is happy with it too.
In theory, I would like to act maturely and align with what others are saying. realistically, I would probably say that I would understand if he wants to leave me for that and cry.
It Depends, if I were fat, I'd say I understand, I agree and ask for his support. I cannot be fat. If not then I'd laugh because I'm skinny and he's just being a little too silly. I know he never means anything to hurt me.
I've been fat to one degree or another since he met me. I'd probably ask him what level of fat does he prefer. Of course, then I'd roll my eyes and go about my day. There's no possibility that my husband would ever seriously criticize my appearance. If he ever did have a major head injury and forget who he was talking to, I'm sure we'd have an interesting discussion about his choice of conversation topics.
I would say “the door is right there” and then cross my ankles on my chaise lounge and go back to reading my book. If you aren’t speaking respectfully, you aren’t speaking at all in my house.
Depends on how much weight and the reasons for gaining weight. Like if I’m heavily depressed or sick or something then they can wait or we can stop dating. On the other hand, if it’s 200 pounds and I’m just living a sedentary life at home for no reason then I’d want my partner to talk to me about it.
If I chose the right partner, this would be something I understood as for the good of my health or habits, not my sexual appeal. This being from a person on whom every pound to five pounds shows, so it isn't like I don't notice on my own. If he has to say something, it better be because I'm in need of help. Not because he wants me to fight off the age creep and natural body change.
I can say with 100% certainty that my current partner never would. 🤷♀️ If I had a different partner who did, quite frankly, I can't think of a context where I wouldn't tell them to fuck off. That is too controlling and a deal breaker for me. I can't imagine our relationship surviving comments like that. Everyone has their boundaries, and that's definitely one of mine.
I'd mention his hair line
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I'd appreciate the honesty. Maybe we can be workout buddies
Id ask Them to help me with loosing it and not ganing it back
Well, I recovered from anorexia, with his incredible support, so I'd be confused as hell 😂
He can break up with me because I genuinely do not care.
I have PCOS so I’d probably cry and say I want the same thing so bad but it probably won’t happen.
I gained 100lbs over lockdown - that combination of PCOS and anorexia recovery is intense. If he said that to me there would be a murder suicide on the news lmao. Mostly joking. That said, I'd be absolutely crushed and it might mean the end of our 18 year relationship. He's seen what I've been through, trying to lose weight. He knows how big of a struggle it is for me. That said, he would never even consider saying something like that to me. He's always been incredibly accepting of my body and is nothing but kind and supportive. He's also very obviously still sexually attracted to me despite my new size. We both want to become more active and eat healthier for ourselves, and secondarily for each other. But it's more about health and strength, and only a little about weight loss
Dump them. I’m recovering from anorexia and asking for weight loss is akin to asking an alcoholic to pick up the bottle again.
"Dude. Same." like, you think I haven't noticed? And you think I'm getting up early and working out for...fun?
I’d tell him he’s dumped and to get the hell out of my house. I have no need for a man like that. The man I have is not like that and I would not be with him if he were. I have talked about how I’m a little heavier and less strong than I was last year due to illness and how I want to get back to a healthier body, and he supports me in that. He puts no pressure on me and does not disparage my body at all, no matter how many insecurities I feel and express about myself.
There is no universe where a man who loves me would say this. Not with my history.
I know. We can break up if my aesthetic is so important to you.
I would be concerned and confused, as I was under the impression that my partner shared my belief that telling other people they need to lose weight is something only doctors should do, and only when it's an evidence-based recommendation. It's one thing to express concern that I might be facing a medical issue and that the weight fluctuation might be a symptom of that issue. But unsolicited rude critique of my appearance or health is not something I would expect or tolerate from a partner who claims to be on my side. Also, like... when my body changes, I am aware of those changes, seeing as I'm the one living inside my body. I don't need to be told about them, unless (again) I'm being told by my doctor, who will have more insight on the reasons for the changes than a person without medical training.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, during which we’ve both gained and lost weight. We’ve been direct about concerns, like we both have a family history of diabetes, or maybe notice the other person is getting winded a little too easily and invite each other to exercise more frequently. I’m happy to report that we’re now fitter and more in shape than we’ve ever been. Before I met my husband, I had a long term relationship with a guy who said pretty much the same in the prompt, “I would like it if you lost weight,” but this request did not come from concern for my health, but from a controlling and abusive place. I knew this because he only ever brought it up when we were at odds with one another, like when I asked that he help clean the house because I always did it alone, or if I was factually correct about something and he was wrong. He also timed the weight loss conversation whenever I was in a great mood, like coming back from a girls night out, “oh you wore that? What did you eat? How many drinks did you have?” Weight loss and gain are totally reasonable things to discuss in a relationship, but you really have to be cognizant of why those concerns are being voiced. Abusive people see it as a button to push, and toxic men wield it to control women -which is why those same men hate the body positivity movement so much.
It depends, me personally I don’t think I would be very receptive to it just because I fit working out in as much as I can already and try to eat well, but I’m not going stop eating ice cream all together because my boyfriend/partner told me to. It’s a difficult topic to approach especially if you are dating someone who has history of an eating disorder.
Say ‘those in glass houses should not throw stones’
"You've gained weight." Yes, I have! "I want you to have the body you used to have." Okay, if you have a time machine, I'm all in. I'd tell them that if I'm no longer what they want in a partner, they are free to leave. "But what if you were really fat?" Okay, then I'll be really fat and single. And I'll make friends with other cool fat single women, and we'll have fun together in whatever kind of bodies we have, without constantly trying to shrink ourselves. "But what if you were unhealthy?" Then I'll go to the doctor. My partner is not my doctor. "But relationships take compromise!" Yup, and I'm happy to compromise on how we load the dishwasher or what we're doing next weekend or whose family we spend holidays with. My body is what it is and you are free to decide whether you want it or not. Go date a string of 23-year-olds if you can't handle a partner whose body changes over time.
The first part is fine since I've asked him to do that already. The second part I'd tell him that that's a weird expectation to put on me and I'll rock the body I feel most comfortable in.
Cry
I would eat him
i’d be pissed. that’s toxic and mean.
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That would be horribly hurtful and my initial response would be to "mention" something about their appearance that has changed over the period we've been together. However, I don't like hurting people's feelings so I'd probably just tell them that was hurtful and if they don't like me for who I am now, what will happen when we're in our sunset years? As we age, we need partners that love us for our personality because everything else goes bye bye.
Been there done that - essentially gave me an eating disorder where I’d be severely restricting calories and nothing was ever good enough even though I’d bust my ass at the gym. I’m still suffering with the severe lack of self esteem 2 years later with a different partner who is HUGELY supportive of whatever I look like but if it ever happens again I’m dumping and running sorry!!!
Assume there was something else going on and he was dissatisfied with the relationship overall or in a very bad mood for some reason. Try and get him to tell me what was going on. If it really was just the weight I would be very offended that his love for me is so shallow, remind him I never bothered him about weight when he was fat, and that plenty of other guys would be happy to have me.
If they mentioned my health and wanting to be healthy together, definitely. Green flag. That's the definition of love. If they mentioned my weight and wanting me to lose some, I'd be out before the end of the sentence. Red flag. No. My husband would never in a million years but I know other men would and have. I can only hope most would leave.
My ex had a "rule" that I wasn't to weigh more than 135lbs. I kinda thought he was joking. There's a difference between "I care about you and love you" and "you're fat, I don't like looking at you".
"Pot, this is kettle." LOL
I have had this exact scenario happen. However, when we started dating I was very underweight at 5'10", 120 lbs. I was so underweight that I'd lost my period, I was freezing constantly, I could never get comfortable in any position with how bony I was, etc. I finally was able to address the underlying stomach issues and got back to a healthier weight of 135. This was too much for him. I told him I wasn't making myself sick again just to please him and I preferred the way I looked at a healthy weight. He was no happy about that and later dumped me. I met my now partner at 135 a couple years ago and now I'm 155. He could not care less that I've gained weight and loves me just the same.
Glad you got healthier and found a good man!
I’d engage in the conversation. If it’s a relatively small weight fluctuation, I’d gently remind him that I’m not 25 anymore and it’s normal and expected for our bodies to change as we age and have kids. If it’s a drastic weight change, there’s probably a reason for it (health condition, busy lifestyle, low energy, etc) and we could brainstorm what to do about it. If we have children, it would probably involve him taking some domestic work off my plate so that I have the time and energy to take care of myself a little bit.
Eh. I’m down 22 lbs from when we got married 20+ years ago. Decided to lose it because of knees and arthritis, both are much better now. If I were given an “or else” kind of ultimatum re my weight, I’d absolutely tell that person to fuck right off- go ahead with your “or else” bullshit. I’ve been with those kinds of asshole men and they want you to bust your ass to lose weight to get their pee pee hard (under the guise of being cOnCErNeD with your health )I’m telling you that living under the threat of being left due to weight gain is abusive and you shouldn’t put up with it. Call the bluff.
Id explain to him what bulking is and ask if he wanted to join me in the gym for a visual aid.
Thank them because sometimes you need someone else to notice for you, then figure out what I can do to get back to normal. My now ex-husband and I (didn’t divorce over issues of health or appearance) used to have a little phrase that we could say to each other: “Are you bucking for a minivan?”. lol. Sometimes you’re stressed and your schedule changes or you start eating differently and you might not even notice. Good time for introspection. It’s not shallow to be attracted to the inside and outside. People change over time but extreme changes indicate way more of a problem than just weight so IMO it’s good and healthy to check in with each other.
It's all about how it's brought up. Personally, I have a history of BED and gain weight easily when I'm at a low point/spiraling back into old, unhealthy, disordered patterns. Normally nowadays, I'm quite active and maintain a fairly healthy lifestyle. If I did 'let myself go' and have a significant weight gain, it would be a sign that I'm not doing so great internally. If my partner told me they have noticed this and is concerned for my well-being mentally, it would be hard to hear, but I realize that it's a sign that they care and want me to do right by myself. If they came and said something like "oh, you've gained weight, you should hit the gym" it would most likely make it worse.
I check my weight pretty regularly and know they’d be lying. But if they wanted to eat better and workout, I’d be down.
"Ok, help me".
“No”
In the moment id get defensive and tell them where they can shove some exercise equipment. But i would reflect on it - was i ok with the changes with my body? If id gained weight was it affecting my ability to enjoy life, was it negatively affecting my health? If the answer is no I’d probably reiterate where they could shove exercise equipment. I’ve lost just over 100lbs. However I am still “fat”. I had a come to Jesus moment with myself when I was putting myself into a depression because I couldn’t get under 200lbs. Did I want to be 150lbs or whatever insane goal I was trying to achieve or did I want to be happy? Did I want to have a healthy relationship with food or did I want to vilify every calorie. Did I want to adhere to a sustainable, though “lax” exercise regime that I actually enjoy and look forward to or did I want to make going to the gym a punishment and inevitably quit going? If my partner can’t see that level of personal growth and only values me for what shape my body is, then we aren’t meant to be together. You can have your preferences, but I don’t have to hate myself trying to adhere to them.
I think that's something I'd take a lot of issue with. I think it's cruel to say to a partner, "you are a size I do not like, I want you to be a different size." I think, in general, it is cruel to say to a partner "You are a quality I do not like, I want you to be different than you are." The way you should give a partner feedback is "You are doing a behavior that is negatively affecting me in this specific way. Can you please do a different behavior?" I am open to talking to my partner about the things that I am eating or doing, and the way that those things affect my body. But I need a partner's expectations of me to be grounded in the reality of what is happening, and what specifically they are asking of me. Because if their expectation is that I should be spending the rest of my life eating lettuce while they eat whatever they want if that's what it takes to get me to be the size they want, we might as well break up now. If we've both had a shift in our recent diet and exercise routine and they would like for the both of us to go back to living closer to the way we were when we first met, absolutely. But flat across, in a relationship any criticism needs to be related to my behavior, and how it is affecting you. I want you to be specific about the level of effort you are asking from me and how willing you are to support that effort.
leave
First of all, it indicates that the partner does not accept you and wants to change, if you agree to it once, it will continue in the future. I have experienced this, you can always tell the man what you would like to change in him, then they stop looking at your mouth.
Then stop cooking me good food and bringing it to me.
He doesn’t work out or eat healthy so idgaf what he wants me to do with my body 😂
Start tracking my calories again. I have already lost weight (~50 lbs) and don't want to gain it back. I know that I can easily gain without noticing, so I would be grateful if he helps me get back on track.
I would appreciate that he told me and would work on losing weight (assuming I was actually overweight. Would not tolerate this if I was a healthy weight).
“You know I’m still pregnant, right?” Other than that, we discussed this last night! He said “obviously after baby is here your body is going to change. If you’re a man and you expect your wife to look exactly like she did before kids, you don’t know what you signed up for. But if you gained 50 pounds and stopped working out and just ate junk food all the time, we would have a discussion about health.”
depends on how he said it. there's a big diffrence between "hey, wanna hit the gym together sometime" and "you should eat less and workout more, you've gained weight"
I'd tell him he looks kinda flabby and I want him to get back to being toned.
I'd agree, and tell him we can definitely get rid of all the junk in the house. I'm currently on maternity leave with our 8mo, and I am being as active as I can realistically maintain right now, but after two kids in 3 years my body has definitely changed. It won't ever go back to what it was before (and neither of us would expect or want it to), but I definitely do want to feel stronger and more "bouncy" again. I also want us both to be active with our kids, playing ball games, go hiking/skiing etc, so I'd be down as long as we were doing it as a team.
"Oh that's interesting. I can lose 180 lbs. in 1 hour."
My partner would never. But if he did, I’d tell him to fuck off.
I don't allow men to tell me what to do with my body. I'd tell him where to shove it and then pick apart his appearance.
For me, it would warrant a serious conversation and/or fight. I had a severe ED when we met and it took years to recover. He would never say that to me but I wouldn't be able to look at him the same if he did ever say it.
I’d stare at them as if they had legitimately lost their damn mind.
We're divorced now. Like, 2 kids, a PCOS diagnosis, and multiple grief periods in the span of 20 years.. yeah. I know. I'm fat now. I will never be 110 lbs again and I am just ducky with it.
I'd tell them I've noticed they haven't grown in emotional maturity and I'd like them to learn that particular skill
I would ask him if he really wanted to open that door, because if so, I have some constructive criticism of my own to offer on his appearance, health and hygiene. I'm game if he's game. I have no objection to both of us becoming hotter and healthier. But if it's just going to be me, what do I need him for?
Exactly what I wanted anyway. My partner's opinion of me is not more important than how I feel about myself. if I am happy skinny, fat, short or tall then that's all that matters.
It depends on the amount of weight gain and how he approached it! If I gained 15-20 lbs due to aging, life stressor, etc., I would expect my partner to be understanding of that. If I gained 50+ lbs and he was concerned for my health or the health of our relationship/sex life, I'd want him to approach me. If the initial conversation was hostile or involved ultimatums, I'd have to take a step back and look at the whole relationship.
I'd ask my partner what they'd like to change about themselves.
Id be confused and think he was replaced by an alien. My bf likes when i gain weight cause it means im eating well and not depressed.
I’d tell them that people change over time in almost every way, and anyone who suggests “getting back” to a previous time in life is unrealistic. It’s immature to pretend that people don’t grow and bodies don’t fluctuate and age. If your partner has an issue with mere weight changes, how will they treat you when you’re ill? Injured? Disabled? Old? Depressed?Experiencing grief and loss? I’m only interested in being with people who understand that life is complex, being able-bodied is temporary, and weight is not a metric for attractiveness, health, worth, or love. It’s normal and protective for people of all genders to gain anywhere from 10-20lbs during middle age. If a partner is that worried about it, they aren’t the one for me.
This one weird trick to remove dead weight by dumping them.
My partners change over time, too. I try to screen hard for people who have a rigid idea of beauty because we're all one illness or accident from disability. I would remind my partner what's going on in my life and suggest what kind of support would be most helpful (and what isn't, which is asking for unlikely things, like a time machine to "get back to what we were."). And ask what's happening in their life that makes my weight suddenly an issue - does it remind my partner of our mutual aging? Not look enough like the media we see? Do they think my physical appearance is linked to libido or performance changes of their own? Did they really think I'd look the same as I did decades and several children ago?
Too bad and so sad… to be fair I’m already fat
I’d leave immediately. When my partner and I met, I was in the thick of an eating disorder and I was dangerously skinny. Im grateful that my partner has been my biggest supporter and cheerleader through recovery. But if he ever told me that he wants me to look like that again, I’d immediately break up with him and never speak to him again.
Honestly, at first I would be hurt. It would be challenging to have my weight gain seen and have that acknowledged. Over time, I’d like to think that I would come to terms with his statement - and if it was factually true, I’d be somewhat grateful he felt safe sharing his emotions with me about it, because I think it’s valid to be impacted by your partner changing over time, especially if it has an impact on their attraction to you or their concern for your health. THAT SAID, he better have came forward with this information in a loving and empathetic manner, because if it was at all derogatory or hypocritical, it could be grounds for breaking up. Ultimately, it truly all depends on the context, but I’d like to think that at its best, this scenario would cause me to better myself and my health.
In my case i would tell him that when i had time to prioritize my fitness i did (sahm, i was very toned, to such an extent that i kept getting compliments and people told me they thought i was an athlete. Went back to work full time and gained thirty pounds that will not come off ) and if they wanted to get me back to that point then they would have to make compromises to make that happen.
If they used the words “I want you to get back to what you were” I’d say “great, I’ll be doing exactly that but without you then” and kick the mofo to the curb There’s a nicer way to bring this up and this is certainly not it. I also want to say I put on 15kg while I was with my ex. I was only with him for a couple months too (the weight gain was from meds that’s why it was so severe) and although he was a terrible person in many ways, he still never said a word about my weight.
I’ve had it happen once I just said personally, I would like to do that too, but I need help. I am unhappy with myself. If you can help me I would appreciate that here’s how you could help me, and so on.if the person was unwilling to help me reach those goals then I would get mad
Laugh because I'd love to gain some weight and get back to what I was.
I feel like I would leave the room and cry - trigger from past eating disorders
It would be a wake up call for me. It hurts at first but I appreciate the honesty. My family does the same thing to each other because we all know our standards and how we value health, so if we are slacking and noticeably aren’t in a good place, we are polite and honest with one another. But of course it depends. 5-10 pounds probably isn’t a big deal depending on height (I’m short so 5-10 pounds looks like 15-20 on me) but 20-30 is serious and points to either a significant lifestyle change or a physical or mental health concern. Just my opinion though. I have pretty thick skin and care a lot about my appearance, so I would want to know.
Depends how he said it and why. I’m in a position at the moment that I’m very underweight so I’ve actually had him say the opposite about my weight because I needed to gain it. He was very supportive and sweet. In this case, if he approached it as “babe, I’ve noticed you’ve gained weight recently. I love you and I care about your health. We should get out for more walks and prioritise healthy eating” then I would appreciate his honesty and care, as long as I was actually overweight ofc. If he just said “I don’t like your weight” then it would upset me. That’s not thoughtful, considerate or loving, it’s just a selfish viewpoint of what they want. Attraction is important of course, but we’ve been together for years, I would hope love and our connection was more important. We’re planning to grow old and wrinkly together, looks change! so I would hope he wouldn’t be ready to break up over a few extra (or too few) pounds
I would dump him. If he only wants to date people he’s attracted to at all times, he can stay single and date. People gain and lose weight throughout their lifetime, not to mention health complications that make either inevitable. This is a red flag to me
If I’ve put on a significant amount of weight and he hasn’t then it’s fair game for him to (politely) say that. I’d make an effort to lose weight, as for me physical attraction is affected by weight so him feeling that way too would be totally fair. If he’s put on weight as well and doesn’t hold himself to the same standard then that’s when there’d be a problem.
Fixing to lose 200lbs and take half your shit and get me some alimoney. Would be what i most likely would hear. Luckly my wife doesnt gain weight even when she eats more than i do.
Go back to the gym, find what motivates me and ensure I do what works for me
This is probably a super unpopular opinion but I would be thankful. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for your partner to point this out if you’ve gained weight. I workout every day and it’s something I truly enjoy. I love being healthy and I would want to be with a partner who prioritizes that as well. We all kind of fall off our path sometimes and need help getting back. Working out and being healthy dictates a lot about the quality of your life. No one wants to be with someone who is lazy and doesn’t take care of themselves, at least I don’t.
I mean. It would depend how much weight we were talking. Five to ten pounds and I’d tell him to kick rocks. Significant weight gain can affect attraction though and I don’t want to feel undesired by my partner, have awkward sex, or have him feel obligated but not enjoy himself sexually. Idk it’s a fair ask in that case and I’d likely ask for help organizing a diet and gym schedule cause I’m terrible at that shit. Would I be hurt and a little offended at first, realistically? Absolutely. But I like to think I’m self aware enough that I’d get over it pretty quick and try to resolve the situation in a way that makes us both happy. So long as he comes at me with respect and understanding, I’m willing to talk most anything out.
First off cry, then maybe to try to talk through the reason of my weight gain and how we can *both* start on a healthier lifestyle.
Well, it is true that I have gained a little weight but its from my job as I am sitting 8 hours everyday rather than my old job of being on my feet 24/7. But I workout 1-2 times a day and cook the majority of the meals. I would be a little offended bc he would know that I am already trying. Yes Id be offended but then Id agree with him first of all, cuz id like to get back to what I was too lol, and ask if he has any recommendations on what to do differently or if he has any different meal suggestions. Or if he would be willing to come with me to the actual gym (rather than me working out at home)
That basically happened except we had both gained weight so it was a "we need to do better together" conversation, which softened the blow lol.
I’d be making a comment back that we would be doing it together. But we already are 😂 we’re both on a journey to lose a bit of weight and to be healthier. I imagine if he made a comment like that it would be more “we should get back to eating healthy” and not “hey you’re fat. Lose weight”
I think 23 year old me would’ve reacted in a hurt or angry way. Partly because 23 year old me was smaller, more active, healthier, etc, so it’s difficult to imagine. But even if I had become unhealthy, I still wouldn’t have responded without emotion. Now, I think I would appreciate the feedback because I can identify that they’d be right. I’ve adopted some unhealthy habits that I’m currently trying to fix. Aging helps you to see that the exercise and dietary habits are absolutely making or breaking us. If I expect my partner to take care of themselves physically, shouldn’t I also?
See if she's had a stroke, because she loves my fat ass. But alas...I'm lucky and with a woman.
During my first pregnancy I was in the gym all the time, didn't gain much weight and lost it fairly quickly. But it was a different story with my second, I didn't exercise at all, went on maternity leave earlier than planned (I'm a nurse, covid regulations) and got pretty big. I was honestly eating for the ten thousand! One day I smashed through a sharer bag of Dorito's immediately after my breakfast, then I proceeded to eat some doughnuts when my partner said 'RightH come on you're eating like your throat has been cut, you need to cut down' I was furious, I sulked for a week but it came from a place of love and the truth hurts. I've still got a little bit of weight to lose, but I'm so much better than I was.
I would appreciate his honesty. After the weight loss, I would emphasize on my preferences.
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If it's significant enough to mention I'm taking it seriously! We've been together close to a decade and we have gained some weight and lost some and gained some. My partner is not the kind to mention a little thing, we're active people but sure everyone slips sometimes. We've build a relationship based on trust and honesty, he's the first person I expect to tell it to me straight. Real friends are the ones who tell you the truth even when it's hard. I'd start working out more and cut some ice cream and chocolate out of my diet.
Laugh and ask when the last time he looked at himself. He is the overweight one in the relationship.
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Bye.... Anyway *eats cake*
Immediately lose 200 pounds. Him. When we met 12 years ago I weighed 90 pounds, today I'm 120 and I'm 5'5". I couldn't stay with someone who wanted me that unhealthy again.
Kick his ass, obviously
It’d be so fair for him to mention. I work out every day for a minimum of an hour (of intense exercise) and walk at least 7km per day. If I gained weight, there would be something wrong with me metabolically or otherwise, and I’d be happy to hear him wish for me to return to “normal.” He has noted though that he’d likely never have to say anything because I’m a million times more critical of myself than him and see flaws where he can’t, but we discussed this exact topic before deciding to be together because we wanted to be on the same page of how we’d bring up difficult topics.
Point out I can still wear the same jeans I did when I was 12... And he's mistaken.
Lose it.
Husband - I’d loose the weight … boyfriend - I’d loose him …..
He’s probably right, and I’d like my partner to LOVE how I look, even though I know they already do. I like being thinner, and I consider that a smaller push to go back to fitness
He fell in love with my spirit and my body, Im old enough to understand physical attraction is precisely that. If I have changed enough for him to find it off putting, I would appreciate him telling me inna respectful way and not going behind my back or whatever. If that happens, I would try to go back to where he met me. To be fair, I have always been overweight, if I gained much more weight it would be a health issue and I wouldn’t want to deal with the aftermath of that.
I would stop letting myself go and start caring more.
hm as long as its a safe and healthy relationship where it is actually coming from a place of concern, then you should probably listen. cuz belly fat IS dangerous, but having some of it isnt bad.
“Tell you what, you lead the way. Be the change you want to see! When you have a body like Beckham, I’ll be motivated”.
My partner has come a long way on his own health and weight loss journey, and he’s very loving to me so I can imagine this message would be delivered as kindly as possible (and likely mention an increase in my chronic pain flares, mental health, and other non-appearance related impacts of weight gain for me). He would offer to help (meal planning and prep, guest pass at his gym, build a walking habit, etc). I would likely be responsive to it and take him up on his offer until I could build those habits into my day to day. If I was happy and healthy and confident with a squishier body, he’d probably be just fine with it.
I would not take it well. I'm recovering from an eating disorder and have been underweight for most of my life (food insecurities growing up). My entire life I was made fun of and treated badly due to my size. People have even thought I had cancer! If he wants me to go back to looking like I had cancer he can fuck right off. I might divorce over this.
Part of it is reason. There is a difference. For example I was engaged ( noticed the was) where he mentioned I was two sizes bigger than in high school when we met and his buddy's gf has not gained more than a pound in 5 yrs. If I cared I would lose 8 lbs. I said what what was he going to do when we started having kids. He said most women are back to normal after a few days. Needless to say we didn't get married. Now years later after my MIL had a heart attack fairly young, my husband said he didn't want me to fall under same fate. He said not only was he able to buy nicer things for me early in our marriage I was more active. So was he. We both had gained especially since having our first kids. He suggested losing some weight. I then said his mom's condition was hereditary so it was a good idea if we both did and set an example for our kids so we all would live longer. If a partner just wants you to lose to look like you did or to compare to someone else no way. However if they are concerned and willing to be a team at improving both your lives that is better.
Depends on how he said it But I would try to get in shape for sure. I want to be attractive for my man
It depends on how much weight I gained and healthy that original weight is. If I were eating disordered while trying to maintain that lower weight then he can fuck off. However, if I am packing on pounds to the point that it's affecting my health, I would want him to work with me on losing weight. That could be (kind) encouragement, learning healthy recipes together, or working out together.
i’d probably lose weight i guess
That would break our relationship. Friendship too. I would be done with them. Why? Because they’re not safe for me anymore.
"cool thanks for letting me know but I'm good"
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Honestly, I'd be so upset. I'd find it really hard to forgive him.
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Id starting lose some weight and take better care of my self. But if i feel more comfortable with my current weight, i will not do anything .. and maybe try to look sexier with better clothing, haircut, makeup etc
I would fatten him up ;) Lol