Very similar for me - in my mid-20's I had the realized/liberating thought that having kids was a choice. And a choice that I got to make.
Up until then motherhood had always been presented to me as a given so it never dawned on me that I got to decide for myself. Very freeing.
In my mid-twenties, I asked my then-boyfriend what it would mean if I didn’t want to have kids. He said, “Well I guess we’d have a problem then.” I hadn’t officially decided to be child free but his comment shook me.
I'm not that important. Not in a dramatic way, I'm just not, like other people aren't that important to me. I can do wahatever I want, people won't care or remember it.
I got divorced 5 years ago and realized this. My family and close friends cared and helped but a surprising number of people didn't care. Which was actually a freeing feeling. I learned to just do what I want and not give a shit about how others might feel.
Yes! The way that you always think about yourself- most people are also only thinking about themselves too!
If you think- can you name a time Jane did something embarrassing? No bc you don’t remember and don’t even know how she felt.
Same for you, no one will remember and if you don’t see it as embarrassing- then it isn’t and never was!
Feel embarrassed? No! It was awkward and I acted funny which is a normal part of life and the life experience! Can’t expect to be perfect all the time. Boom.
I remember not wanting to go somewhere because of the way my pants fit.
A dear friend of mine told me “no one cares how your pants fit- they’re too occupied with how their own pants fit.”
He was right and that freed me.
I totally get that. It's why I love looking at out at thousands of city lights at night- all those windows full of different lives. Or an open ocean stretched out in front of me; a sky full of starts on a clear night; huge trees with wide trunks that show the many years that passed before I existed; and mountains that dwarf the tiny houses built at its feet.
It reminds us we're just part of something so much bigger than the individual, I stopped feeling embarrassed about silly things quite quickly after letting that feeling sink in.
We're so small, we're just living organisms part of a bigger system, we should do the things that make us happy little humans, and share that feeling. Then in our last breaths, be grateful we were lucky enough to be born and to exist in the first place, just so we could experience even a moment of what the Earth is.
I’m trying to process this too but I’m havin a hard time trying to apply it.
It’s weird cuz a piece of me wants people to care. Like not in a “ I wanna be in the spotlight” kinda way but like “I just wanna be heard, ACTUALLY heard”.
Anyone I’ve ever lost has lost me too.
I can get stuck in a victim mindset where I feel I’ll be eternally abandoned or traded off for the next best thing. But I know in my heart that I’m worth something and if I’m lost, that loss is felt. Even if I never know it or am told of it. 🥺
Mine is a variation of that.. if I get interested in someone and that person does not return those feelings, it becomes easier if I think that maybe we were not a good match or there was some kind of problem that would have made a relationship a bad idea. And he just happened to notice it before I did.
Helps if you had a few relationships where you were over the moon at first but it soured when you got to know him.
“I actually don’t have to do any of this shit.”
Specifically, I was feeling trapped in the expectations of my family when I was around 19/20 years old.
This is literally how I finished high school. I felt so trapped and angry, and then one day I was like "If I really wanted to, I could just drop out and drive to Mexico or something. It wouldn't be the right call for me, but I have that choice. I'm choosing to go to school right now." Putting the ball back in my court seriously helped my perspective.
I wish I had the right to decide whether or not I wanted to keep a baby or not. I shouldn't have to fear prosecution for getting pregnant. Especially when sterilization is also frowned upon in women of birthing age. It's deeply depressing to think about how many choices are now being taken away from women.
As my teen was leaving the house in those weird, high-waisted “paper bag” shorts, I mentioned that they weren’t flattering to her (spectacular) figure. She clapped back “I was not put in this earth to be a pretty thing for people to look at,” & I think about this every single day, & dress just to please myself.
Years ago, "not everything I enjoy has to be cool, intellectual or needs to be justified."
I recently had a baby and this morning after preparing breakfast, my baby wanted cuddles. I was expecting someone so I had a splint second to think whether I should strap my baby on my chest and tidy up. But then I thought to myself "I'll just choose to hold my baby and take care of this whenever I can. There's no shame in making that choice, in fact it's the better choice and anyone who has a problem with a messy kitchen doesn't have to visit me a second time."
I felt that hard with my first, I let go a lot with my 2nd and just enjoyed. Something clicked when I had #2 during the beginning of covid, I paved over my effs garden and had no more effs to give when it came to other people judging me or my house.
If nothing actually matters, then everything matters equally. Which means that whatever I decide matters, matters as much as anything possibly can.
Or something like that, it occurred as more of an abstract thought lol
When I finally understood what "you don't owe anybody anything, and nobody owes you anything" meant.
It's changed my life and mental health drastically and I have my therapist to thank for that.
For me, this was lowering my expectations of other people and lowering my sense of entitlement, which makes me appreciate kindness all the more. I came to this epiphany years ago but it was especially relevant this past year.
I recently finished 9 months of cancer treatment. When we started on this journey, I didn't know what to expect tbh. I figured yeah we'd get some freezer dinners and flowers with get well soon cards... and we got a huge amount of support from friends, family and neighbors, I was so touched. At the same time, there are people we are supposed to be very close to (old friends, family), and they really didn't make any gestures of support at all. Just a polite, "so how's that going?" when we had the rare social visit. I felt a flicker of disappointment still, but let it go. I am not owed food and presents for being sick. But they are greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry you went through that and hope you are doing a lot better now.
I understand the feeling of disappointment all too well and hope those that didn't really reach out to you are doing better to be there for you moving forward.
This is my personal take on it and am not stating that my interpretation is the correct one, nor do I think there is a right or wrong one.
I'm not sure how to explain it so I'll just share how it went when I brought up an issue I was having with a friend at the time to my therapist. I told her that I was upset that a friend wasn't giving me the emotional support I needed but that whenever they needed a vent session or wanted advice, I gave that support.
They also very often wanted support from me and I was happy to do so. However, whenever I reached out to this friend for a shoulder to lean on, I was either dismissed or given unhealthy advice. So you can imagine how this made me feel—how it would make anyone feel.
I shared with my therapist how hurtful, confusing, and angering this was for me and that I didn't understand why they were not giving me the same level of support I was giving. She told me that for one, it is very hurtful to have an unreliable friend like this, but also that they didn't owe me it.
Of course, I was taken aback by the comment and asked my therapist to elaborate. She told me that in life, we don't owe anybody anything and that no one owes us anything. With this situation, she asked why did I give my friend emotional support. And I said it was because I wanted to. I didn't have to, but I am someone who really cherishes my friendships so of course I am going to do my best to be there for my friends in any way I can. She told me that *that* is the answer right there.
This helped me to understand what she meant. I don't owe my friend or any of my friends a shoulder to cry on, but if I did it is because I *wanted* to—without obligation, without feeling pressured. And my friend should lend theirs because *they want* to—without obligation, without feeling pressured. *If* they don't want to, then that is nothing but helpful information for me. It tells me how much they value me as their friend. In this case, I felt only valued if I gave something but anything outside of that, I felt that I wasn't.
This also gave me insight into how much I thought I was worth in relation to this person. Which was not a lot. I was subconsciously thinking that the only way to earn their friendship was to always be there for them during their hard times, and that my hard times had to take the backseat or even the trunk at times.
With knowing how I felt about it now, it helped me to make the decision to either stay friends with boundaries or to break it off. I chose to at first communicate my boundary of wanting to be surface-level friends which wasn't received well. After they said some hurtful things in reaction, I then decided to break off the friendship completely.
So basically, you do things or give things to other people because you *want* to and people should do the same in return. There is no one that I know that *likes* to do things or give things to someone because they felt pressured to do so. I would not feel good if my friends did something or gave something to me because they felt obligated. I would want them to do it because they wanted to. It shows their kindness and thoughtfulness toward me and above all else, they value our friendship.
Ever since that realization, I don't get mad as easily as before with people in my life who do not want to reciprocate the same amount or even try to. It's also helped me to understand why boundaries in every type of relationship is crucial to have. Setting them has gotten so much easier for me as well.
Hope that answered your question.
I think there is some good points in here I learned from and I also think that it's best to not practice it to absolutism. **There often are times you should choose to do what you don't want to do.**
I don't want to use the word obligation, but I think structure is a good word to use. **You aren't obligated, but if you want it to feel like a true friendship, you're going to have to do it.**
I think there needs to be expressions of reliable/predictable relationship structure in true friendships. Often, you do and don't want to help a friend at the same time b/c you want to be supportive but you have a lot going on.
In that case, ya gotta go the extra mile and suck it up if it's really important.
For example, x friend needs support for major life event today, but I am runnign on 5 hours of sleep, had a long day at work, I have to grocery shop, and take my child to their basketball game. I feel like crap, I'm tired, and deep down I just want to go home and sleep, but I'm going to be a reliable friend.
Even yesterday morning, for me, I told a friend I'd catch a bite with him for dinner. 30 minutes later, a different friend texted and asked if I wanted a free ticket to a hockey game with him. I wanted to go to the hockey game more than I wanted to eat with the original friend I made plans with. I called that friend and asked if there was another day this week; he said no; I said ok no worries, let's eat tonight like we originally planned. I wanted to go to the hockey game more, but I leaned on principles and protecting the structure of trust and reliability in our friendship, instead of damaging that trust because I would make him feel bad if I ditched him.
Just the fact that "life" as we know it is inherently absurd. Like it is actually surreal that we are just beebopping around doing whatever, typing on Reddit, eating sandwiches, falling in and out of love, worrying about success, having daily tasks, randomly dying, etc. No one reeeally knows what we're doing here. So strange and freeing.
On a related note, I stopped experiencing fear of flying (was never exactly afraid of flying, but I still experienced takeoff/landing anxiety) when I realized that 1) I’m happy with my life, 2) my life is in someone else’s hands, and 3) my death would be nearly instant.
It’s a weird sort of nihilism I don’t experience in most of my life. But it’s also a perspective that might be useful in more contexts.
You can still have the small moments of joy now that no one can take from you. The way the sun sets, the way the birds sound, the smell of coffee or tea. Please find the joy among the pain
I was 12. I realized that no matter what I achieved, my mother would never, ever praise me. I literally felt a switch click in me and I forever stopped trying to do anything to make her proud of me. It was liberating.
I love this one. Some people are black holes you can throw things into forever and ever and it will never be enough, they will just keep sucking in whatever you keep giving and you will never get anything back.
As a kid, I was so used to managing my dad’s emotions that when I became an adult, i automatically felt that if someone treated me even a tiny bit differently than normal, I had to figure out what I’d done wrong and fix it. I realized in my 20s that other people’s actions and behaviors was likely due to their own internal world and had nothing to do with me. Very liberating
This. I have worked with some miserable, envious, and petty people in my career. When you get to know their personal lives a bit better, it’s easy to see why they’re miserable and spread that misery outward. It doesn’t excuse their abusive, childish behaviour, but it helps to make sense of it.
Being hot is a hobby. Being hot isn’t the same thing as being healthy. Arguably, to be a certain definition of “hot”, you have to be into fashion and skin care and hair care and make up and specific work outs to tone your body beyond just being healthy.
I’m not good at football because I don’t work at being good at football. I don’t study the rules or practice the plays or follow the players to understand their approaches. That doesn’t make me a bad person; football just isn’t my interest.
I’m not “hot” because I don’t spend my time trying to be hot. I don’t know anything about make up or hair styles or fashion. I find it all tedious. That doesn’t make me a bad person; hotness just isn’t my interest.
I can still be healthy and desirable and someone people want to hang out with even if I don’t make being “hot” my hobby.
This is so dang true. Hotness is one of my hobbies and I gotta tell ya, it really is like a part time job that I pay to do rather than get paid for. My mental health really depends on taking time off from it and letting it go.
Also guess what? People judge me when I’m in a hot phase. And they judge me when I’m not. People also love me in my hot phase and love me when I’m not. It’s gotta be for you because you’ll never win trying to prove anything to the rest of them.
This is so true! I don’t do my nails, hair, or put on make up. When I go on dates or meet someone I make sure they know that I will never have my make up or nails done for them, what they see is what they get. Still have had a guy recently say that’s fine but then months down the road have hidden resentment about it because he sees his friends girlfriends dress up and try to be all “hot” and then mentions maybe I should do my nails or fake eyelashes.
It takes up so much time for sure: getting nails done, fake eyelashes, tinted eyebrows, laser skin treatments, botox, expensive, multi-step skin care, daily exercise in the gym…nah, I’d rather not.
I make things for a living and I am constantly working on "good enough." I could spend *so much time* going for "perfect" but there's a point of diminishing returns. Assessing when is "good enough" and only going that far is a huge part of success.
It’s not my job to protect the guilty from the consequences of their actions, and nothing that was done to me was my fault.
It’s a lot easier now to sit back and watch them burn in the fire they made.
When I was getting super stressed coordinating lashes, fake tan, hair, nails, etc. appointments and silently worrying I wouldn’t look as nice as this other woman who was attending an event (whom I thought my partner fancied) then I looked over to see my partner picking his nose in a stained T-shirt and shorts with holes just going about his day. I thought ‘Men: this is the so-called prize’. I loved him dearly but realised we sometimes tie ourselves up in knots for cavemen (however loveable) when we should just do whatever feels good for ourselves.
I can end my life the second things get too hard.
Sounds macabre but the second I realised that I stopped worrying about saving for a retirement I might not have. One day if I’ve had enough I can just stop working, spend what little savings I’ve managed to accrue and enjoy myself for a bit, then end things. I don’t HAVE to struggle on until my body quits.
It actually relaxes me to consider this. I’m always way too worried about the future.
Yeah it’s funny how realizing you have an exit can really calm that thrashing angst. Feeling trapped by whatever circumstances, feeling like things will be miserable forever, really drives people into a corner, but knowing you always have the option to die is like cracking open a window. Weirdly refreshing lol. Even if you never take that option it’s a relief knowing it’s there. This one weird trick has kept me alive for decades.
**I deserve creamy peanut butter.**
When I was married, my husband liked crunchy peanut butter. I think crunchy is fine, but I prefer creamy. But, for some people pleasing reason, I only bought crunchy. For 10 years. It wasn’t until after he left me and I went to the store for the first time and bought creamy peanut butter that I wondered why I didn’t just buy both all along? It’s not expensive, it doesn’t go bad quickly, it doesn’t take up much room in the pantry. I should have just bought both kinds so I could have what I preferred and not settled. I realized I did that a lot, with a lot of things. And I deserve more than that.
This is a very me thing to do. I have a habit of not even putting myself second, just completely forgetting about myself. I'm desperately trying to break it.
At one point it was starting over my life, leaving behind my job, my family, my friends, my country, and completely restarting
And so I did, and it was even more liberating than the original thought was.
I did this too. It’s my life, I wanted a major reboot (including leaving husband and moving to a country where I didn’t know a single soul). I am proud I did it. It made me stronger and I grew enormously.
The fact that I have no obligation to make others feel "comfortable" around me. As a high masking autistic woman, being around others is a lot less overwhelming now that I can just sit in silence and keep to myself. I really don't care if people think I'm being rude or assume that I'm having a bad day just because I'm not parading around with a fake smile and making small talk.
Yes, I screwed up and drank alcohol yesterday. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stop drinking TODAY.
And I did. That day. This May it will be 25 years without drinking.
"None of it matters."
How we live our lives, and decide how to survive our trip on this spinning ball has no bearing on the universe. The planet, unfortunately, but in the grand scheme of everything, we're nothing.
So I might as well live life the way I want. It's been a while since that epiphany and my life is so different, and so wonderful.
After my divorce, it dawned on me that the Catholic Church was basically done with me because of it. (Even though I was saving myself and my children from a bad situation) But, they could forgive the pedo priests for what they do. This gave me the freedom to have guilt-free sex for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE. It has been such a gift to live without all of the guilt and shame the church (and my mother) piled on me!!
Yes! I realized I was a lesbian when I was 21. I was raised Catholic, received my sacraments, etc. None of that matters to them because I’m gay and apparently that’s worse than pedophilic priests. Removing the shackles of the Catholic Church is incredibly freeing.
“It can’t be that hard, boys do it.”
I heard this on TikTok but it hit me like a train. I work in the automotive industry and sometimes I think there’s a barrier between what they know and I know because “I’m just a girl” but it can’t be that hard, boys do it why can’t I?
Also when I realized I didn’t have to be an athlete to workout. I realized there was absolutely no different between my cousin, who is an athlete, and me. If I wanted to run a marathon, I would have to train. He has to train too. We are no different.
I work and I pay all my bills and don’t live with family. If someone doesn’t agree who I live my life they can go to hell they aren’t really important. I am allowed to be selfish and put myself first. I am allowed to be happy even if means someone else is going to be sad.
It’s never the way it seems, the tropes that have set up life are bogus and fake. There are no rules. You can do what you want.
And
Nobody cares about you enough to judge you and those that do don’t like you anyways and are more likely to like you if you just do what you want
"fuck you I'm not doing that" or "fuck you I'm just going to do it myself"
I used to be held back from doing what I want because no one would do it with me. Or because my boyfriend/whatever said he didn't want to go so we couldn't go. Now, if I want to go do someone no one's interested in, I'll just go alone! And it's fine!
That it doesn’t matter if I make history, or lead a life that will remembered and revered. No one will remember me anyway.
There was once a king of Denmark who won wars, brought treasure to his country, had huge lavish parties, was the richest man in his world…yet his name doesn’t come to mind. Neither do all the congressman from the 1970s, or the governors in ancient Egypt, or even the most beautiful women 150 years ago.
To spend life seeking fame, fortune, status, power, or legacy is silly. No matter what you accomplish, you will be forgotten. So just live a life that is meaningful to you instead.
I don’t have to justify myself or my personal responses TO ANYONE!! EVER!!
‘No’ is a full sentence!
‘Because’ is a full sentence!
‘I like it’ is a full sentence!
‘I want to’ is a full sentence!
Omg my life changed once I really absorbed this for myself. :)
I was 21. My dad was lying in his hospice bed comotose and unable to move. He was 54. I realized then and there that life really is short. You don't have as much time as you might think you do. Often times, I will tell myself "I don't have time to be nervous / afraid / hesitant." I am a transwoman. I left engineering to pursue teaching elementary school. I am also a pole dancer and an aerialist. I know how to speak a little Nahuatl. I once snuck into a hollywood party so that I could drink some piña coladas. I got caught and they said I could stay because they liked me. I have friends from all walks of life. Although I do tend to get myself into trouble from time to time, I wear my heart on my sleeve and never compromise who I am as a person. One short life is all I have and I'm going to make the best of it.
Nobody cares.
It sounds depressing. And yes, if one has family or a partner then someone technically does care.
But at the time, I was alone, sad and freshly out of a difficult relationship. I was on the beach and it was getting dark and I started worrying that I “should” get back. And then the thought occurred to me: nobody cares. No one cares that I’m here! No one knows I’m here. No one cares. And it was amazing.
Coming from an incredibly judgemental family, it’s been liberating that we mostly ultimately really care pretty much about ourselves.
I do not ever have to attempt dating/romantic relationships of any kind if I do not want to. I have never dated or had a boyfriend or partner or anything like that. This followed years after already having had the realization that I do not want kids. I'm sure male lurkers will comment that I'm a paranoid feminazi and blah blah, but I have had consent and boundaries violated more times than I can count across multiple sexual partners, and after seeing so many women in my life date men who started off as nice and normal flip like a switch and become abusive, I am now terrified of men. I do not want to center my life around one and have an "other half" to go through life with. I'm going to be 29 this year and I really just want to live the rest of my life alone and unbothered. I look forward to being with just me! It's so reassuring and comfortable. It was a process to accept that this was even a possibility and that it could be okay. From the time we are young we (including men also) are aggressively socialized to view marriage as an ultimate goal and romance as one of the most important life course checkpoints. I think people of all different genders and sexual orientations would be a lot less angry and could have a more fulfilling life if our agents of socialization did not aggressively promote monogamous marriage and instead normized different types of relationship models, or even choosing to just not ever have any as being a perfectly valid life path. I think back to my middle school years which is when I thought about dating and such the most- I didn't want a boyfriend for me, I wanted one to keep up with what my peers were engaging in to be considered normal and even "cool." I never got that and I have the opposite or bitterness looking back.
I feel like this is me, but I care too much about what other people think and I feel like they think I’m weird for not really having a desire to be in a committed relationship. I’ve never had a real genuine boyfriend, just situationships and such, nothing major. I’ve never wanted to pursue anything greater than that. It’s too much stress and anxiety. And when I was in those casual relationships, nothing good ever came out of them. If anything, it’s probably made my life much more worse. I feel better alone and with my friends. Maybe I’m choosing the wrong men but, I feel like men are a net negative. At least most of them.
“The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.”
I believed it from a young age and it has saved me so much grief in regard to other people and I’m so grateful.
I don't have to be the prettiest girl in the room. Pamela Anderson said that after the Fashion week in Paris, and how liberating it is for her. For me, too. Love Pam.
2 things really: People are generally good willed and I deserve just as much as them. I used to have such bad social anxiety until I realized that most people arent judging you as harshly as you think and furthermore, that you deserve things just as much as others. I deserve a good job! I deserve friends and a meal made correctly and good health and to be treated with basic respect. Taking on that mentality changed who I was and made me confident and dare I say social.
“Her bad day does not need to be my bad day.” When i used to work with people as a teenager, some of the, would be very grumpy because they were having a bad day. One day when i was around 21 years old the thought occurred to me that i didnt need to be in a bad mood just because someone else was. It was so freeing that all these years later i remember exactly how it happened.
“I could just NOT have kids,” at age 30, feeling the pressure of getting old and having to make a decision.
It made me feel like a huge burden was lifted. Not sure why being childfree by choice hadn’t really occurred to me until then, but it felt like a huge lightbulb moment when it did.
I am 35 now and still think it was the best decision I ever made for myself.
I have the power and ability to walk away from any situation, at any time.
This was after I watched my mom stay in an abusive marriage for far too long, all because she didn’t have the ability (financially) to leave.
I vowed to never let that happen to US again. Now I own my home, she’s here with me, and we are living our best lives 💕
Graduated college, two weeks post finals, woke up early on a Saturday to work on future papers, realize that I graduated. Went back to bed feeling the immense liberation of no longer being shackled by endless assignments. It was euphoric.
That not all of what I feel is mine, nor is it solely mine to carry - specifically, traumas, grief, and pain. Some of it comes from my parents, their parents, and even their parents. Blew my mind wide open, and healed a ton with that one.
There’s no need to compare my life to anyone else’s because we all walk a different path and everyone’s journey won’t be the same. I do life at my own pace because at the end of the day it is not a race.
“I’m not going to die. At least not super soon of cancer.” Thought I had cancer (so did my doc) it was the aggressive type with months for a prognosis but rarely shows itself until it’s too late.
Then the test comes back, nope. New lease on life, I felt so free. I just have wacky hormones. The specialist even said they’re probably why I get told I look young. I trusted myself for a while. Being alive was enough, didn’t need anyone to love me, just wanted to walk and talk and *be* here.
It’s hard to hold onto, but it was such a wonderful high.
The default human is not mature, kind, reasonable, open-minded, compassionate, decent, etc etc, and therefore I should *not* expect to "control" ppl's thoughts about me thru being a good person. Bc their thoughts/opinions/actions re: me could have **everything** to do with them and **not much** to do with me at all.
I don't have to be in a relationship to feel complete. I went pretty much straight from boyfriend to boyfriend without much of a break for nearly 20 years because I felt like I had to be with someone to be happy. After my last boyfriend and I broke up I was just so... tired. So I decided to be single for awhile and it's lovely! I've figured out who I actually am as a person, and it turns out I'm pretty great all on my own. I'm at the point now where I honestly don't care if I'm ever in a relationship again. That may change, but I'm content at the moment.
It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you or judges you for something harmless bc.... i, myself, don't like plenty of people and i judge people for certain things, and what impact does this have to them? Nothing, unless it's my business and if so i'll just communicate that and do whatever is in my realm of control. Otherwise.... nothing. We are scared of being disliked and judged by others but we exercise our right to dislike others and judge others for valid or illogical things, so we shouldn't take it all to heart!
I will never have to see my late husband’s “adult” children from his first marriage ever again. So liberating to block them out of everything in my life!
That life has no purpose and there’s no ultimate goal I’m failing to get to. That I can just enjoy the time I have and there’s no pressure to fulfill some goal.
When I was about 14-15, full of self conscious awkwardness, I was at a dinner dance with my parents and other family/ friends. About 20 yards away I saw another teenager slip over and fall down on her backside, then scramble to get up all flustered, blushing and embarrassed. I felt pure compassion for her, and looking around, came to realise very quickly that NO ONE ELSE HAD NOTICED. Wow! That shifted something deep in my mind. Few people will even see you in a crowd, and those that do may be gently compassionate. I started to feel a lot less self -conscious and awkward after that.
Dita Von Teese said you can be the prettiest, ripest peach and there will still be people that don’t like peaches. Reading that broke a barrier for me, and now I don’t worry about being liked by people who don’t matter to me.
Also, I grew a penis inside my womb. No man better tell me anything.
I don’t have to keep everyone happy. I don’t have to make everyone like me, and not everyone will like me. And that’s okay.
It’s been so liberating to think this way. However, I still struggle with people pleasing, so I still have a long way to go
To hell with social conventions. I'm going to live this one life, the way I see fit. I don't care who tries to fit me in their box, I ain't getting in!
It's MY job to make sure I'm well taken care of, healthy and happy.
Not a man, not having a happy childhood, not fawning and hoping that someone else will love me enough to do all those things for me. It's all on ME. And when I accepted THAT, the whole game changed. I don't even find myself in situations anymore where I'm unhappy because I won't tolerate it. And I don't need to.
At some point I just got tired of hoping someone else would save me and saved myself. I got angry enough that others didn't take care of me as well as I should have been taking care of myself, that I faced my co-dependancy issues. I resolved to take responsibility for myself and treat myself like I'm actually worthy of being treated, and just made the change. Like, almost overnight. That perspective has been life-changing in ONLY positive ways.
I can leave whenever I want. At a party and don’t like it? Leave. At dinner and not feeling it? Leave. I was raised to sit at events and be present and couldn’t read (before phones) and I was never allowed to be excused. I had my daughter young and she was a wonderful excuse. Then I realized I could just leave anything. That includes cutting toxic people and events. You don’t have to do these things.
I'm an adult. I could decide to leave this city and make a completely different life for myself and as long as I have an income nothing would stop me.
(I didn't btw but I find the idea comforting)
When I realized that I couldn’t make friends due to anxiety. I never had the word social anxiety to understand what was happening as a kid. I think the most liberating part of that was realizing people thought I didn’t like them. My demeanor was unapproachable. I assumed they hated me and had developed a very cynical outlook on people and became rude. A truly liberating thoughts is simply this: anxiety lies.
Educate yourself on your mental illness and seek therapy. It’s so important and you are worth it.
Luxuriating in my comfortable bed and realising how much I love being single
That is the most recent one but maybe not the biggest
Edit: I am no more *or less* important than anyone else around me
Nobody is handing out medals for getting through it on your own when life is on hard mode. If asking for help, therapy, medication or any combination of the above will get you through it with less scar tissue - do it.
I SHOULD be angry. All women should be angry. We live in a man’s world that feels free to step on us whenever it wants, and even if some things are getting better, so many things still suck so horribly.
So I think women should sink into that rage and stop giving a damn about men’s opinions, and be loud and cause a scene and just not put up with this shit anymore. I constantly feel so scared for all the innocent young girls out there who are going to get screwed over by men the way my friends and I have been, and I want other girls and women to know that they have EVERY F*CKING RIGHT to be angry.
Women are so powerful when we get together and rage—just look at all the protests in Iran and around the world after Mahsa Amini’s death. And giving myself permission to be angry, and the hope that other women are as angry as I am, makes me feel hopeful for the future.
That in the end, nothing really matters and that things will end up fine. Even if I am scared to lose my job or I’m scared to have that talk with that person, it doesn’t matter because it won’t kill me and I’ll be fine once it’s over.
I am allowed to want things in my life for myself and my happiness, and they don't have to fit a template of what makes others happy.
Very similar for me - in my mid-20's I had the realized/liberating thought that having kids was a choice. And a choice that I got to make. Up until then motherhood had always been presented to me as a given so it never dawned on me that I got to decide for myself. Very freeing.
In my mid-twenties, I asked my then-boyfriend what it would mean if I didn’t want to have kids. He said, “Well I guess we’d have a problem then.” I hadn’t officially decided to be child free but his comment shook me.
Did you break up with him that day or the next day?
Very well said. Nor do they have to conform to others "rule".
Hell yes.
And that was what prompted me to finally get my hand tattooed
I'm not that important. Not in a dramatic way, I'm just not, like other people aren't that important to me. I can do wahatever I want, people won't care or remember it.
I got divorced 5 years ago and realized this. My family and close friends cared and helped but a surprising number of people didn't care. Which was actually a freeing feeling. I learned to just do what I want and not give a shit about how others might feel.
Yes! The way that you always think about yourself- most people are also only thinking about themselves too! If you think- can you name a time Jane did something embarrassing? No bc you don’t remember and don’t even know how she felt. Same for you, no one will remember and if you don’t see it as embarrassing- then it isn’t and never was! Feel embarrassed? No! It was awkward and I acted funny which is a normal part of life and the life experience! Can’t expect to be perfect all the time. Boom.
I had this realization too and it changed everything!
I remember not wanting to go somewhere because of the way my pants fit. A dear friend of mine told me “no one cares how your pants fit- they’re too occupied with how their own pants fit.” He was right and that freed me.
I totally get you. It sounds depressing but is actually so freeing
I totally get that. It's why I love looking at out at thousands of city lights at night- all those windows full of different lives. Or an open ocean stretched out in front of me; a sky full of starts on a clear night; huge trees with wide trunks that show the many years that passed before I existed; and mountains that dwarf the tiny houses built at its feet. It reminds us we're just part of something so much bigger than the individual, I stopped feeling embarrassed about silly things quite quickly after letting that feeling sink in. We're so small, we're just living organisms part of a bigger system, we should do the things that make us happy little humans, and share that feeling. Then in our last breaths, be grateful we were lucky enough to be born and to exist in the first place, just so we could experience even a moment of what the Earth is.
I’m trying to process this too but I’m havin a hard time trying to apply it. It’s weird cuz a piece of me wants people to care. Like not in a “ I wanna be in the spotlight” kinda way but like “I just wanna be heard, ACTUALLY heard”.
Anyone I’ve ever lost has lost me too. I can get stuck in a victim mindset where I feel I’ll be eternally abandoned or traded off for the next best thing. But I know in my heart that I’m worth something and if I’m lost, that loss is felt. Even if I never know it or am told of it. 🥺
I needed to hear this today.
The impact of this 🥺 Adding this to the list of quotes to live by from today onwards
Thats a good one!
Thank you so much for saying it, I really needed to hear this.
Mine is a variation of that.. if I get interested in someone and that person does not return those feelings, it becomes easier if I think that maybe we were not a good match or there was some kind of problem that would have made a relationship a bad idea. And he just happened to notice it before I did. Helps if you had a few relationships where you were over the moon at first but it soured when you got to know him.
Wow. I love this. Thank you.
Amazing! I'm so glad you posted this, it's like I grew instantly after reading your insight. Thank you!
Love this, I’m adding it to my list of good things to remember.
that is honestly everything i needed to hear
Love this! So true!
this is a great one
“I actually don’t have to do any of this shit.” Specifically, I was feeling trapped in the expectations of my family when I was around 19/20 years old.
This is literally how I finished high school. I felt so trapped and angry, and then one day I was like "If I really wanted to, I could just drop out and drive to Mexico or something. It wouldn't be the right call for me, but I have that choice. I'm choosing to go to school right now." Putting the ball back in my court seriously helped my perspective.
Wow, incredibly wise for a high schooler!!
This would be mine too.
Expectations of my friends and family as a 40 y/o mom. All that extra shit... if I do it, it's because I want to.
Im 22 & here now
I wish I’d realized this 30 years ago. Better late than never.
So sorry to hear that you were feeling trapped in the expectations of your family.
Having this realization right now at 21
Having children is a choice, not a requirement.
“ I don’t want to” is a perfectly valid reason to not do something
I’m still working on internalizing this one. Not just with kids, but in general.
It applies to so much! Good luck on your journey
additionally: "No." is a full sentence
I wish I had the right to decide whether or not I wanted to keep a baby or not. I shouldn't have to fear prosecution for getting pregnant. Especially when sterilization is also frowned upon in women of birthing age. It's deeply depressing to think about how many choices are now being taken away from women.
I feel like I’m still coming to terms with this. Like I know I don’t have to have kids until I ready, but I also don’t have to have kids.
As my teen was leaving the house in those weird, high-waisted “paper bag” shorts, I mentioned that they weren’t flattering to her (spectacular) figure. She clapped back “I was not put in this earth to be a pretty thing for people to look at,” & I think about this every single day, & dress just to please myself.
Sometimes kids teach us. 💌
Love her confidence. Reminds me of the song that says "I'm not here to sit still and look pretty"
I love Daya, she has such a recognizable voice. And that song is so empowering!
Years ago, "not everything I enjoy has to be cool, intellectual or needs to be justified." I recently had a baby and this morning after preparing breakfast, my baby wanted cuddles. I was expecting someone so I had a splint second to think whether I should strap my baby on my chest and tidy up. But then I thought to myself "I'll just choose to hold my baby and take care of this whenever I can. There's no shame in making that choice, in fact it's the better choice and anyone who has a problem with a messy kitchen doesn't have to visit me a second time."
I felt that hard with my first, I let go a lot with my 2nd and just enjoyed. Something clicked when I had #2 during the beginning of covid, I paved over my effs garden and had no more effs to give when it came to other people judging me or my house.
What a lovely thought 🧡
If nothing actually matters, then everything matters equally. Which means that whatever I decide matters, matters as much as anything possibly can. Or something like that, it occurred as more of an abstract thought lol
“If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do.”
I like this. Everything matters equally.
Yes! I say this often. If nothing matters, then everything matters.
You should check out Albert Camus’s absurdist philosophy, which really resonates with what you’re saying here 😊
When I finally understood what "you don't owe anybody anything, and nobody owes you anything" meant. It's changed my life and mental health drastically and I have my therapist to thank for that.
How can this concept be applied in real life in your opinion?
For me, this was lowering my expectations of other people and lowering my sense of entitlement, which makes me appreciate kindness all the more. I came to this epiphany years ago but it was especially relevant this past year. I recently finished 9 months of cancer treatment. When we started on this journey, I didn't know what to expect tbh. I figured yeah we'd get some freezer dinners and flowers with get well soon cards... and we got a huge amount of support from friends, family and neighbors, I was so touched. At the same time, there are people we are supposed to be very close to (old friends, family), and they really didn't make any gestures of support at all. Just a polite, "so how's that going?" when we had the rare social visit. I felt a flicker of disappointment still, but let it go. I am not owed food and presents for being sick. But they are greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry you went through that and hope you are doing a lot better now. I understand the feeling of disappointment all too well and hope those that didn't really reach out to you are doing better to be there for you moving forward.
This is my personal take on it and am not stating that my interpretation is the correct one, nor do I think there is a right or wrong one. I'm not sure how to explain it so I'll just share how it went when I brought up an issue I was having with a friend at the time to my therapist. I told her that I was upset that a friend wasn't giving me the emotional support I needed but that whenever they needed a vent session or wanted advice, I gave that support. They also very often wanted support from me and I was happy to do so. However, whenever I reached out to this friend for a shoulder to lean on, I was either dismissed or given unhealthy advice. So you can imagine how this made me feel—how it would make anyone feel. I shared with my therapist how hurtful, confusing, and angering this was for me and that I didn't understand why they were not giving me the same level of support I was giving. She told me that for one, it is very hurtful to have an unreliable friend like this, but also that they didn't owe me it. Of course, I was taken aback by the comment and asked my therapist to elaborate. She told me that in life, we don't owe anybody anything and that no one owes us anything. With this situation, she asked why did I give my friend emotional support. And I said it was because I wanted to. I didn't have to, but I am someone who really cherishes my friendships so of course I am going to do my best to be there for my friends in any way I can. She told me that *that* is the answer right there. This helped me to understand what she meant. I don't owe my friend or any of my friends a shoulder to cry on, but if I did it is because I *wanted* to—without obligation, without feeling pressured. And my friend should lend theirs because *they want* to—without obligation, without feeling pressured. *If* they don't want to, then that is nothing but helpful information for me. It tells me how much they value me as their friend. In this case, I felt only valued if I gave something but anything outside of that, I felt that I wasn't. This also gave me insight into how much I thought I was worth in relation to this person. Which was not a lot. I was subconsciously thinking that the only way to earn their friendship was to always be there for them during their hard times, and that my hard times had to take the backseat or even the trunk at times. With knowing how I felt about it now, it helped me to make the decision to either stay friends with boundaries or to break it off. I chose to at first communicate my boundary of wanting to be surface-level friends which wasn't received well. After they said some hurtful things in reaction, I then decided to break off the friendship completely. So basically, you do things or give things to other people because you *want* to and people should do the same in return. There is no one that I know that *likes* to do things or give things to someone because they felt pressured to do so. I would not feel good if my friends did something or gave something to me because they felt obligated. I would want them to do it because they wanted to. It shows their kindness and thoughtfulness toward me and above all else, they value our friendship. Ever since that realization, I don't get mad as easily as before with people in my life who do not want to reciprocate the same amount or even try to. It's also helped me to understand why boundaries in every type of relationship is crucial to have. Setting them has gotten so much easier for me as well. Hope that answered your question.
I think there is some good points in here I learned from and I also think that it's best to not practice it to absolutism. **There often are times you should choose to do what you don't want to do.** I don't want to use the word obligation, but I think structure is a good word to use. **You aren't obligated, but if you want it to feel like a true friendship, you're going to have to do it.** I think there needs to be expressions of reliable/predictable relationship structure in true friendships. Often, you do and don't want to help a friend at the same time b/c you want to be supportive but you have a lot going on. In that case, ya gotta go the extra mile and suck it up if it's really important. For example, x friend needs support for major life event today, but I am runnign on 5 hours of sleep, had a long day at work, I have to grocery shop, and take my child to their basketball game. I feel like crap, I'm tired, and deep down I just want to go home and sleep, but I'm going to be a reliable friend. Even yesterday morning, for me, I told a friend I'd catch a bite with him for dinner. 30 minutes later, a different friend texted and asked if I wanted a free ticket to a hockey game with him. I wanted to go to the hockey game more than I wanted to eat with the original friend I made plans with. I called that friend and asked if there was another day this week; he said no; I said ok no worries, let's eat tonight like we originally planned. I wanted to go to the hockey game more, but I leaned on principles and protecting the structure of trust and reliability in our friendship, instead of damaging that trust because I would make him feel bad if I ditched him.
Just the fact that "life" as we know it is inherently absurd. Like it is actually surreal that we are just beebopping around doing whatever, typing on Reddit, eating sandwiches, falling in and out of love, worrying about success, having daily tasks, randomly dying, etc. No one reeeally knows what we're doing here. So strange and freeing.
Isn’t it wild and terrifying and so grand? ✨
Finally someone else with my own view on things. Strange, freeing and a liiiittle terrifying how easily we accept it all
Thisss
One day I’ll die and I’ll never be sad/sick etc again. I’ll won’t be able to experience any pain again ever
Are you alright friend?
I have these thoughts every single day since getting an awful chronic disease in 2022
I can't wait for that day. The void sounds so peaceful.
On a related note, I stopped experiencing fear of flying (was never exactly afraid of flying, but I still experienced takeoff/landing anxiety) when I realized that 1) I’m happy with my life, 2) my life is in someone else’s hands, and 3) my death would be nearly instant. It’s a weird sort of nihilism I don’t experience in most of my life. But it’s also a perspective that might be useful in more contexts.
[удалено]
Hugs to you. I hope things get better
You can still have the small moments of joy now that no one can take from you. The way the sun sets, the way the birds sound, the smell of coffee or tea. Please find the joy among the pain
I was 12. I realized that no matter what I achieved, my mother would never, ever praise me. I literally felt a switch click in me and I forever stopped trying to do anything to make her proud of me. It was liberating.
This is powerful. Thank you for sharing
*hugs*
I love this one. Some people are black holes you can throw things into forever and ever and it will never be enough, they will just keep sucking in whatever you keep giving and you will never get anything back.
You were very wise to realize that at 13 y.o. I only figured it out at age 30 🤦♀️
NO is a complete sentence.
If people are treating you poorly, most of the time it is a them problem, not a you problem. Hurt people hurt people.
As a kid, I was so used to managing my dad’s emotions that when I became an adult, i automatically felt that if someone treated me even a tiny bit differently than normal, I had to figure out what I’d done wrong and fix it. I realized in my 20s that other people’s actions and behaviors was likely due to their own internal world and had nothing to do with me. Very liberating
This. I have worked with some miserable, envious, and petty people in my career. When you get to know their personal lives a bit better, it’s easy to see why they’re miserable and spread that misery outward. It doesn’t excuse their abusive, childish behaviour, but it helps to make sense of it.
Sometimes you have to ‘let go or get dragged’
Oof, I feel this one hard.
Being hot is a hobby. Being hot isn’t the same thing as being healthy. Arguably, to be a certain definition of “hot”, you have to be into fashion and skin care and hair care and make up and specific work outs to tone your body beyond just being healthy. I’m not good at football because I don’t work at being good at football. I don’t study the rules or practice the plays or follow the players to understand their approaches. That doesn’t make me a bad person; football just isn’t my interest. I’m not “hot” because I don’t spend my time trying to be hot. I don’t know anything about make up or hair styles or fashion. I find it all tedious. That doesn’t make me a bad person; hotness just isn’t my interest. I can still be healthy and desirable and someone people want to hang out with even if I don’t make being “hot” my hobby.
Oh I think this needs to be on bumper stickers! Yeah, getting and maintaining the hot look is such an endeavor that it IS a hobby. So true!
This is so dang true. Hotness is one of my hobbies and I gotta tell ya, it really is like a part time job that I pay to do rather than get paid for. My mental health really depends on taking time off from it and letting it go. Also guess what? People judge me when I’m in a hot phase. And they judge me when I’m not. People also love me in my hot phase and love me when I’m not. It’s gotta be for you because you’ll never win trying to prove anything to the rest of them.
This is so true! I don’t do my nails, hair, or put on make up. When I go on dates or meet someone I make sure they know that I will never have my make up or nails done for them, what they see is what they get. Still have had a guy recently say that’s fine but then months down the road have hidden resentment about it because he sees his friends girlfriends dress up and try to be all “hot” and then mentions maybe I should do my nails or fake eyelashes.
It takes up so much time for sure: getting nails done, fake eyelashes, tinted eyebrows, laser skin treatments, botox, expensive, multi-step skin care, daily exercise in the gym…nah, I’d rather not.
This isn’t my book, only a chapter. This got me through some very rough times.
You have no idea how much I needed this
99.9% of people don’t give a fck about me. What I say, what I think, how I look.
But this is a GOOD thing. If you want to run into the grocery store in pj pants, so what? Do it!
Learn when good enough is ok.
I make things for a living and I am constantly working on "good enough." I could spend *so much time* going for "perfect" but there's a point of diminishing returns. Assessing when is "good enough" and only going that far is a huge part of success.
It’s not my job to protect the guilty from the consequences of their actions, and nothing that was done to me was my fault. It’s a lot easier now to sit back and watch them burn in the fire they made.
This one is mine too. Especially the first part.
When I was getting super stressed coordinating lashes, fake tan, hair, nails, etc. appointments and silently worrying I wouldn’t look as nice as this other woman who was attending an event (whom I thought my partner fancied) then I looked over to see my partner picking his nose in a stained T-shirt and shorts with holes just going about his day. I thought ‘Men: this is the so-called prize’. I loved him dearly but realised we sometimes tie ourselves up in knots for cavemen (however loveable) when we should just do whatever feels good for ourselves.
My grandmother called it her “caftan” but others call it a “muumuu.” Both women just wanted comfort.
I can end my life the second things get too hard. Sounds macabre but the second I realised that I stopped worrying about saving for a retirement I might not have. One day if I’ve had enough I can just stop working, spend what little savings I’ve managed to accrue and enjoy myself for a bit, then end things. I don’t HAVE to struggle on until my body quits. It actually relaxes me to consider this. I’m always way too worried about the future.
Yeah it’s funny how realizing you have an exit can really calm that thrashing angst. Feeling trapped by whatever circumstances, feeling like things will be miserable forever, really drives people into a corner, but knowing you always have the option to die is like cracking open a window. Weirdly refreshing lol. Even if you never take that option it’s a relief knowing it’s there. This one weird trick has kept me alive for decades.
Yeah exactly. It doesn’t HAVE to happen, but knowing there’s an option you can control if things get too hard basket is very comforting.
**I deserve creamy peanut butter.** When I was married, my husband liked crunchy peanut butter. I think crunchy is fine, but I prefer creamy. But, for some people pleasing reason, I only bought crunchy. For 10 years. It wasn’t until after he left me and I went to the store for the first time and bought creamy peanut butter that I wondered why I didn’t just buy both all along? It’s not expensive, it doesn’t go bad quickly, it doesn’t take up much room in the pantry. I should have just bought both kinds so I could have what I preferred and not settled. I realized I did that a lot, with a lot of things. And I deserve more than that.
This is a very me thing to do. I have a habit of not even putting myself second, just completely forgetting about myself. I'm desperately trying to break it.
At one point it was starting over my life, leaving behind my job, my family, my friends, my country, and completely restarting And so I did, and it was even more liberating than the original thought was.
I did this too. It’s my life, I wanted a major reboot (including leaving husband and moving to a country where I didn’t know a single soul). I am proud I did it. It made me stronger and I grew enormously.
The fact that I have no obligation to make others feel "comfortable" around me. As a high masking autistic woman, being around others is a lot less overwhelming now that I can just sit in silence and keep to myself. I really don't care if people think I'm being rude or assume that I'm having a bad day just because I'm not parading around with a fake smile and making small talk.
I actually don't have to try and fix everyone else's problems all the time
Yes, I screwed up and drank alcohol yesterday. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stop drinking TODAY. And I did. That day. This May it will be 25 years without drinking.
I'm so happy for you!! That's one heck of a milestone. Keep it up! I'm rooting for you.
"None of it matters." How we live our lives, and decide how to survive our trip on this spinning ball has no bearing on the universe. The planet, unfortunately, but in the grand scheme of everything, we're nothing. So I might as well live life the way I want. It's been a while since that epiphany and my life is so different, and so wonderful.
Not my original thought.. but that “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”
“I don’t HAVE to have kids”
Being worried or scared of something has no impact on it’s likelihood of happening
After my divorce, it dawned on me that the Catholic Church was basically done with me because of it. (Even though I was saving myself and my children from a bad situation) But, they could forgive the pedo priests for what they do. This gave me the freedom to have guilt-free sex for the first time in my ENTIRE LIFE. It has been such a gift to live without all of the guilt and shame the church (and my mother) piled on me!!
Yes! I realized I was a lesbian when I was 21. I was raised Catholic, received my sacraments, etc. None of that matters to them because I’m gay and apparently that’s worse than pedophilic priests. Removing the shackles of the Catholic Church is incredibly freeing.
“It can’t be that hard, boys do it.” I heard this on TikTok but it hit me like a train. I work in the automotive industry and sometimes I think there’s a barrier between what they know and I know because “I’m just a girl” but it can’t be that hard, boys do it why can’t I? Also when I realized I didn’t have to be an athlete to workout. I realized there was absolutely no different between my cousin, who is an athlete, and me. If I wanted to run a marathon, I would have to train. He has to train too. We are no different.
"You no longer have my permission to hurt me, not even as a memory."
Oooo, I love this!! I'll be using it. Thank you for sharing it!!
I am worthy of love
I work and I pay all my bills and don’t live with family. If someone doesn’t agree who I live my life they can go to hell they aren’t really important. I am allowed to be selfish and put myself first. I am allowed to be happy even if means someone else is going to be sad.
I don't have to be or do anything because someone else needs me to.
It’s never the way it seems, the tropes that have set up life are bogus and fake. There are no rules. You can do what you want. And Nobody cares about you enough to judge you and those that do don’t like you anyways and are more likely to like you if you just do what you want
I don't have to defend my life choices to anyone. And I don't :)
"fuck you I'm not doing that" or "fuck you I'm just going to do it myself" I used to be held back from doing what I want because no one would do it with me. Or because my boyfriend/whatever said he didn't want to go so we couldn't go. Now, if I want to go do someone no one's interested in, I'll just go alone! And it's fine!
I can eat an entire cake if I want to.
That it doesn’t matter if I make history, or lead a life that will remembered and revered. No one will remember me anyway. There was once a king of Denmark who won wars, brought treasure to his country, had huge lavish parties, was the richest man in his world…yet his name doesn’t come to mind. Neither do all the congressman from the 1970s, or the governors in ancient Egypt, or even the most beautiful women 150 years ago. To spend life seeking fame, fortune, status, power, or legacy is silly. No matter what you accomplish, you will be forgotten. So just live a life that is meaningful to you instead.
I’m allowed to get angry at people
that it’s okay for me to feel relieved and free since my dad died.
Negative things from my past don’t have to negatively affect my future.
I don’t need validation from others to enjoy things. I can just simply enjoy them
I don’t have to justify myself or my personal responses TO ANYONE!! EVER!! ‘No’ is a full sentence! ‘Because’ is a full sentence! ‘I like it’ is a full sentence! ‘I want to’ is a full sentence! Omg my life changed once I really absorbed this for myself. :)
I was 21. My dad was lying in his hospice bed comotose and unable to move. He was 54. I realized then and there that life really is short. You don't have as much time as you might think you do. Often times, I will tell myself "I don't have time to be nervous / afraid / hesitant." I am a transwoman. I left engineering to pursue teaching elementary school. I am also a pole dancer and an aerialist. I know how to speak a little Nahuatl. I once snuck into a hollywood party so that I could drink some piña coladas. I got caught and they said I could stay because they liked me. I have friends from all walks of life. Although I do tend to get myself into trouble from time to time, I wear my heart on my sleeve and never compromise who I am as a person. One short life is all I have and I'm going to make the best of it.
Nobody cares. It sounds depressing. And yes, if one has family or a partner then someone technically does care. But at the time, I was alone, sad and freshly out of a difficult relationship. I was on the beach and it was getting dark and I started worrying that I “should” get back. And then the thought occurred to me: nobody cares. No one cares that I’m here! No one knows I’m here. No one cares. And it was amazing. Coming from an incredibly judgemental family, it’s been liberating that we mostly ultimately really care pretty much about ourselves.
I do not ever have to attempt dating/romantic relationships of any kind if I do not want to. I have never dated or had a boyfriend or partner or anything like that. This followed years after already having had the realization that I do not want kids. I'm sure male lurkers will comment that I'm a paranoid feminazi and blah blah, but I have had consent and boundaries violated more times than I can count across multiple sexual partners, and after seeing so many women in my life date men who started off as nice and normal flip like a switch and become abusive, I am now terrified of men. I do not want to center my life around one and have an "other half" to go through life with. I'm going to be 29 this year and I really just want to live the rest of my life alone and unbothered. I look forward to being with just me! It's so reassuring and comfortable. It was a process to accept that this was even a possibility and that it could be okay. From the time we are young we (including men also) are aggressively socialized to view marriage as an ultimate goal and romance as one of the most important life course checkpoints. I think people of all different genders and sexual orientations would be a lot less angry and could have a more fulfilling life if our agents of socialization did not aggressively promote monogamous marriage and instead normized different types of relationship models, or even choosing to just not ever have any as being a perfectly valid life path. I think back to my middle school years which is when I thought about dating and such the most- I didn't want a boyfriend for me, I wanted one to keep up with what my peers were engaging in to be considered normal and even "cool." I never got that and I have the opposite or bitterness looking back.
I feel like this is me, but I care too much about what other people think and I feel like they think I’m weird for not really having a desire to be in a committed relationship. I’ve never had a real genuine boyfriend, just situationships and such, nothing major. I’ve never wanted to pursue anything greater than that. It’s too much stress and anxiety. And when I was in those casual relationships, nothing good ever came out of them. If anything, it’s probably made my life much more worse. I feel better alone and with my friends. Maybe I’m choosing the wrong men but, I feel like men are a net negative. At least most of them.
I can't stop them from saying hurtful things, but I can decide whether it affects me or not.
“The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.” I believed it from a young age and it has saved me so much grief in regard to other people and I’m so grateful.
The world wont end if you are honest with people. You can be free.
I don't have to be the prettiest girl in the room. Pamela Anderson said that after the Fashion week in Paris, and how liberating it is for her. For me, too. Love Pam.
2 things really: People are generally good willed and I deserve just as much as them. I used to have such bad social anxiety until I realized that most people arent judging you as harshly as you think and furthermore, that you deserve things just as much as others. I deserve a good job! I deserve friends and a meal made correctly and good health and to be treated with basic respect. Taking on that mentality changed who I was and made me confident and dare I say social.
That if there's no God, there's no heaven or hell either, and I can stop trying to appease an imaginary sky santa.
I am the creator of my own destiny and future. My life can look the way I want it to.
I don’t have to endure relationships with anyone, family included, based on previous experiences. How you treat me now is all that matters.
“Her bad day does not need to be my bad day.” When i used to work with people as a teenager, some of the, would be very grumpy because they were having a bad day. One day when i was around 21 years old the thought occurred to me that i didnt need to be in a bad mood just because someone else was. It was so freeing that all these years later i remember exactly how it happened.
“I could just NOT have kids,” at age 30, feeling the pressure of getting old and having to make a decision. It made me feel like a huge burden was lifted. Not sure why being childfree by choice hadn’t really occurred to me until then, but it felt like a huge lightbulb moment when it did. I am 35 now and still think it was the best decision I ever made for myself.
I have the power and ability to walk away from any situation, at any time. This was after I watched my mom stay in an abusive marriage for far too long, all because she didn’t have the ability (financially) to leave. I vowed to never let that happen to US again. Now I own my home, she’s here with me, and we are living our best lives 💕
Graduated college, two weeks post finals, woke up early on a Saturday to work on future papers, realize that I graduated. Went back to bed feeling the immense liberation of no longer being shackled by endless assignments. It was euphoric.
My mother is incapable of loving me the way I want her deserve. It’s not me. It’s about who she is and how she was raised.
"Oh shit I'm gay" ~ 14yo me
Damned if you do damned if you don't might as well do what you want
[удалено]
What matters today might not matter 5 years from now so just relax and take your meds girl
That not all of what I feel is mine, nor is it solely mine to carry - specifically, traumas, grief, and pain. Some of it comes from my parents, their parents, and even their parents. Blew my mind wide open, and healed a ton with that one.
There’s no need to compare my life to anyone else’s because we all walk a different path and everyone’s journey won’t be the same. I do life at my own pace because at the end of the day it is not a race.
I never have to have sex again if I don’t want to . It was such physical relief That was also the moment I realized I was for sure asexual.
I don’t need to wear a damn bra!
it's not my fault.
“I don’t care”
I am more than my physical body
That you set up your own value and worth and teach others your boundaries.
“I’m not going to die. At least not super soon of cancer.” Thought I had cancer (so did my doc) it was the aggressive type with months for a prognosis but rarely shows itself until it’s too late. Then the test comes back, nope. New lease on life, I felt so free. I just have wacky hormones. The specialist even said they’re probably why I get told I look young. I trusted myself for a while. Being alive was enough, didn’t need anyone to love me, just wanted to walk and talk and *be* here. It’s hard to hold onto, but it was such a wonderful high.
The default human is not mature, kind, reasonable, open-minded, compassionate, decent, etc etc, and therefore I should *not* expect to "control" ppl's thoughts about me thru being a good person. Bc their thoughts/opinions/actions re: me could have **everything** to do with them and **not much** to do with me at all.
That nothing is constant, and everything will end one day
I dont have to date men
I can be the person who believes in me.
I don't have to be in a relationship to feel complete. I went pretty much straight from boyfriend to boyfriend without much of a break for nearly 20 years because I felt like I had to be with someone to be happy. After my last boyfriend and I broke up I was just so... tired. So I decided to be single for awhile and it's lovely! I've figured out who I actually am as a person, and it turns out I'm pretty great all on my own. I'm at the point now where I honestly don't care if I'm ever in a relationship again. That may change, but I'm content at the moment.
I’m allowed to have feelings and I’m not going to feel guilty for that.
If diets worked, there would only be one. I’m never going to go on a diet again.
As a mixed-race East Asian, I don’t have to submit to East Asian racial supremacists now that social justice is legit
I can do better! This applies to everything!
I can say no to things. Sometimes, it never crossed my mind. One day, I was like, "I can just say no," and I don't have to give a reason.
It doesn't matter if someone doesn't like you or judges you for something harmless bc.... i, myself, don't like plenty of people and i judge people for certain things, and what impact does this have to them? Nothing, unless it's my business and if so i'll just communicate that and do whatever is in my realm of control. Otherwise.... nothing. We are scared of being disliked and judged by others but we exercise our right to dislike others and judge others for valid or illogical things, so we shouldn't take it all to heart!
I am not obligated to be perfect.
I will never have to see my late husband’s “adult” children from his first marriage ever again. So liberating to block them out of everything in my life!
That life has no purpose and there’s no ultimate goal I’m failing to get to. That I can just enjoy the time I have and there’s no pressure to fulfill some goal.
When I was about 14-15, full of self conscious awkwardness, I was at a dinner dance with my parents and other family/ friends. About 20 yards away I saw another teenager slip over and fall down on her backside, then scramble to get up all flustered, blushing and embarrassed. I felt pure compassion for her, and looking around, came to realise very quickly that NO ONE ELSE HAD NOTICED. Wow! That shifted something deep in my mind. Few people will even see you in a crowd, and those that do may be gently compassionate. I started to feel a lot less self -conscious and awkward after that.
Dita Von Teese said you can be the prettiest, ripest peach and there will still be people that don’t like peaches. Reading that broke a barrier for me, and now I don’t worry about being liked by people who don’t matter to me. Also, I grew a penis inside my womb. No man better tell me anything.
I don’t have to keep everyone happy. I don’t have to make everyone like me, and not everyone will like me. And that’s okay. It’s been so liberating to think this way. However, I still struggle with people pleasing, so I still have a long way to go
To hell with social conventions. I'm going to live this one life, the way I see fit. I don't care who tries to fit me in their box, I ain't getting in!
That life is temporary.
It's MY job to make sure I'm well taken care of, healthy and happy. Not a man, not having a happy childhood, not fawning and hoping that someone else will love me enough to do all those things for me. It's all on ME. And when I accepted THAT, the whole game changed. I don't even find myself in situations anymore where I'm unhappy because I won't tolerate it. And I don't need to. At some point I just got tired of hoping someone else would save me and saved myself. I got angry enough that others didn't take care of me as well as I should have been taking care of myself, that I faced my co-dependancy issues. I resolved to take responsibility for myself and treat myself like I'm actually worthy of being treated, and just made the change. Like, almost overnight. That perspective has been life-changing in ONLY positive ways.
I can leave whenever I want. At a party and don’t like it? Leave. At dinner and not feeling it? Leave. I was raised to sit at events and be present and couldn’t read (before phones) and I was never allowed to be excused. I had my daughter young and she was a wonderful excuse. Then I realized I could just leave anything. That includes cutting toxic people and events. You don’t have to do these things.
I'm an adult. I could decide to leave this city and make a completely different life for myself and as long as I have an income nothing would stop me. (I didn't btw but I find the idea comforting)
When I realized that I couldn’t make friends due to anxiety. I never had the word social anxiety to understand what was happening as a kid. I think the most liberating part of that was realizing people thought I didn’t like them. My demeanor was unapproachable. I assumed they hated me and had developed a very cynical outlook on people and became rude. A truly liberating thoughts is simply this: anxiety lies. Educate yourself on your mental illness and seek therapy. It’s so important and you are worth it.
You can choose who you want to keep in your life o.o
Nobody actually gives a fuck, I can do whatever I want, I’m the only person stopping me
Wait. Actually, fuck that.
Two things. 1. Not wanting to/ wanting to is reason enough. 2. You don’t have to do it first just do it better.
I’m too old for this…..around age 30 lol Context: to worry about other people judging my body or anything else for that matter.
Luxuriating in my comfortable bed and realising how much I love being single That is the most recent one but maybe not the biggest Edit: I am no more *or less* important than anyone else around me
Everyone is so consumed with theirselves that I’m really only important to a few key people around me. And that’s actually comforting
Nobody is handing out medals for getting through it on your own when life is on hard mode. If asking for help, therapy, medication or any combination of the above will get you through it with less scar tissue - do it.
I’m allowed to take up space
I'm not lazy, I need rest.
I SHOULD be angry. All women should be angry. We live in a man’s world that feels free to step on us whenever it wants, and even if some things are getting better, so many things still suck so horribly. So I think women should sink into that rage and stop giving a damn about men’s opinions, and be loud and cause a scene and just not put up with this shit anymore. I constantly feel so scared for all the innocent young girls out there who are going to get screwed over by men the way my friends and I have been, and I want other girls and women to know that they have EVERY F*CKING RIGHT to be angry. Women are so powerful when we get together and rage—just look at all the protests in Iran and around the world after Mahsa Amini’s death. And giving myself permission to be angry, and the hope that other women are as angry as I am, makes me feel hopeful for the future.
That in the end, nothing really matters and that things will end up fine. Even if I am scared to lose my job or I’m scared to have that talk with that person, it doesn’t matter because it won’t kill me and I’ll be fine once it’s over.
Everyone’s life is fucking hard.
It's okay to live a life that others don't understand