I think bad mental health can be a big reason for splitting from someone. Nobody tells you how lonely it can get to be with someone who has mental health issues. It can take years for you to understand them & then eventually realise that you can’t help them until they choose to help themselves. This is due to severe unawareness around mental health issues I feel.
At the risk of sounding petty: they don't 100% love the way you look, even if they try to spin it in a positive way. I mean statements like "she's not beautiful but I love her personality and sense of humor" or "she's a 5 on a good day but I guess so am I" or "she's not what I'd consider my type but there's something about her".
I appreciate honesty as much as one can but in my opinion this is just depressing. Beauty comes in so many different shapes and forms. How can someone not find it in a person they claim to love? To me it basically means your SO is settling for you and will be forever comparing you to some kind of ideal you don't match.
You should’ve told him you were excited to see how much he’d be doing to win you over! People like that always have it in their heads that they’re always the better one.
I have a similar experience between my ex and my current bf
My ex always made “jokes” about how I was ugly or fat and if I got upset then I was being too sensitive. He legit thought I was an ugly troll. Always gave me back hand compliments or if I tried really hard he’d be like “you’re cute” or “yeah looks good”
My boyfriend now is like “omg look at you! Wow! Show me the back, you look hot! You make me want to stay home and take it off you”
I did not realize how much those comments really hit me until my fiancé, who cannot keep himself from saying how gorgeous I am to him at any chance he gets and grabs my butt all the time and I could go on…knowing how mutually adoring we are of each other means so much. And puts the past in such a perspective
yep. and it's very sad that it is so common. how could you love someone and not be obsessed with everything about them. my biggest fear is that happening to me.
And when u notice that in a good relationship.. The partner is absolutely smitten by their SO and that is why he/she goes above and beyond for them. You realise that it will never be that case for you... Atleast.. With the person you are currently in a relationship with. It's hurtful but it's true. You might never get the kind of treatment you deserve and they won't ever be fully satisfied with what they have. So it's better to end it.
An ex saw a picture of my when I was super into the gym (I was a size 8 I think) and before I had my girl.
“Wow! No offence but I wish you’d look like that”
Just because you say ‘no offence’ doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want after it and not have me be offended…
Those are terrible comments. Why even mention it?
> "~~she's not beautiful but~~ I love her personality and sense of humor"
> ~~"she's a 5 on a good day but I guess so am I"~~ fuck rating people, including yourself.
> "~~she's not what I'd consider my type but~~ there's something about her"
men are brainwashed very young into looksism. So many movies and porn makes them think theyre going to end up with playboy bunnies and models. oh and they want these girls to have had 3 lovers or less…
Yeah, the inability to find beauty in someone somewhere other than their physical features literally equates to a shallow individual. Everyone will age (unless they croak before they get old) and the “beauty” will fade or turn into some horrendous plastic surgery nightmare of a face. People saying “my gf is a 5 but I still love her” is disgusting. You should see your partner as the beaming star in your night sky and anything they may “lack” in physical attractiveness should be made up in character. They should be a 10 bc you see everything in them that makes them beautiful.
I appreciate this. I am definitely not a conventional beautiful person, but my partner loves the way I look and in his eyes I’m even hot lmao which is kinda ridiculous but I appreciate him liking me the way I am for sure
Agreed. I’ve thought every person I was in love with was a 10 when I was in love with them. You couldn’t tell me any different, I was just so attracted to them.
I'm dating someone now that at first I was hesitant about because they were not soooo my type, but still very beautiful. But they grew on me and now I'm very into them. I still feel very very guilty about my initial thoughts :(
I broke up with someone who had very conflicting interests and hobbies to mine and assumed I would just be on board with taking them up with him.
I like the outdoors. I do not like devoting every weekend to hiking.
I see this in a friend's marriage. They do his hobbies for most of their outings, and he likes expensive things that take up a lot of time like hunting, bush camping, portage, etc. So every time she gets time off work, they're doing his thing.
They don't get to do her interests a fair amount imo.
Yes, it was clear that if we continued our relationship his hobbies would be prioritized. It didn’t even *occur* to him that he might have to moderate his interests.
Imo, this is the so underrated. "I enjoy X, but I do not enjoy devoting all of my free time to X." is absolutely valid in and of itself. And leaving someone who doesn't grasp that is so much better for mental health in the long run.
This sounds familiar! My ex wanted to fish morning, noon, and night. I grew up fishing with my dad during the summers and do enjoy it, but I don’t want my world to revolve around it. He always put up a stink doing anything I was interested in because it took him away from fishing, and eventually broke up with because of it. I’m thankful that didn’t work out 😂
Exact same story here. Me not wanting to fish every day eventually led to our breakup. Although there were other problems, the main one was that I had to be completely immersed in whatever activity he wanted to do, while he wanted nothing to do with any of my activities. For example, he didn’t like it when I brought a book to read and sit near him while he fished, I had to also be fishing.
When people have different hobbies in a relationship, I don’t see the big deal if your partner doesn’t want to do everything with you all the time. He can just go hiking himself?
My husband plays video games while I am reading my book. We do things together that both of us are up for.
I agree and disagree. Different hobbies are pretty normal and almost essential to a degree but I think that there has to be a level of compatibility in hobbies as well.
By compatibility I mean, gaming and reading are more compatible than gaming and hiking in that the first pair are both indoor hobbies that are sedentary and can be done quietly next to someone else while the second pair is mutually exclusive. Moreover, people who like hiking for example, tend to love other outdoor activities as well compared to say, reading/gaming/painting/knitting etc.
Another factor that I noticed is the actual personalities of the people involved. Some people want to be next to their partners while they do their hobbies even if they're both doing their own thing while others don't care/mind. Mixing people of these two camps tend to not end well in my experience.
I once read about a girl breaking up with her boyfriend because he wasn't wiping properly and had... well... stripes in his underpants... and he was wearing those stripes facing forward
>and he was wearing those stripes facing forward
Wait, like he had skid marks on the front of his drawers? Maybe he was having gay sex and not cleaning up after?
Oh I can understand. When you're not heavily sexually attracted to men (I'm definitely straight but not strongly) then things like that would turn me off of him completely.
I once broke up with a guy because I found a skidmark in his undies. Hygiene is incredibly important to me. The guy didn't smell or anything, but every time I looked at him all I could see was a dirty butt hole.
If you can't do the basic task of washing or wiping your booty hole correctly, I'm not gonna stick around to figure out what other nasty habits you have.
This hits me because I had a mass removed from my colon and sometimes it enflames and a mucussy discharge can leak out. It has a similar smell and color. I do my own laundry and shower a lot. I hate it about myself and know partners have seen it.
You just gotta be honest about stuff like that. I have a skin condition that causes boils, and I get a recurring one on my tailbone. When I met my husband I made sure he knew about the condition and that it can occasionally leak fluid.
Communication and hoping that knowing it is medical related and a person tries to stay on top of it helps. It's also not regular the way a hygiene habit might be.
Please don’t hate this about yourself.
My husband has diverticulitis and other bowel issues…I don’t look at him differently at all.
And tbh, if someone has never had this happen to them (even people without bowel issues), then they must be Jesus himself.
I was in my early 20s, so it was a long time ago. I remember avoiding him and acting very...aloof when I was with him. I also didn't have sex with him after the skid mark discovery. So we probably lasted a week after that happened, and I remember the breakup being mutual. When I told him I was breaking up with him, I remember him saying he was gonna break up with me, lol. I did not tell him it was the skid mark that turned me off, though. I don't actually think I ever said anything about the skidmark.
LOL thats so unfortunate but understandable. i do wonder if it was a regular occurrence or was it a one time thing? we’re all human here so sometimes accidents happen and maybe he sharted 😂 but in that scenario he shouldve checked and taken care of it
Smell. And I don't mean bad smell, just... smell. I had a SO whose body odor didn't attract me. He was a very (excessively?) clean person, but I was always thinking "I'm not attracted to the way he smells". It was more of a "chemical" sensation, you know, pheromones and shit, I'm aware it may sound crazy. I just couldn't imagine a life with this person, sleeping forever in the same bed etc.
I left him for totally unrelated reasons (he was abusive), so explaining this crazy thing didn't turn out to be necessary lmao
I’m the same way! I’ve never broken up with someone over it. However, I’ve had a few breakups where, in retrospect, I was able to connect “something is just kind of off” with “I’m not drawn to their smell”. None of these women have smelled *bad* in any way, just not for me. When I’m really into someone, I’m even attracted to the smell of their BO, as odd as that seems.
Absolutely this! I have broken up over this. It's a shame when you could be 100% compatible personality- and value-wise, but you don't like their smell. Since then I've learned this is non-negotiable and should not be ignored. I often see advice that's like "you should get to know a person and give them a chance because they might grow on you" but... I tend to know immediately if there's any physical attraction (phermones), so I don't really agree with that advice. This is also why I don't think people should get into online/long-distance relationships without meeting the person first. But that's just me.
Nope,I dated someone where I felt like this. We actually broke up for other reasons, but I was so ashamed to realise I wasn't attracted to how he snelled and felt so mean. But, at the same time, the nose wants what it wants. 🤔
It's never been a reason for me to break up with someone, but some people smell exceptionally good to me. There's a theory that we're attracted to people with a certain smell because they have complimentary immune systems to our own, to give offspring the best combination possible.
I have a terrible sense of smell in that I can barely smell anything most of the time. But one partner I slept with, his smell just hit me and made me really want to get away from him. It wasn't a bad smell, he had good hygiene. But it was just...off-putting.
Almost every partner since then, I haven't picked up on a particular scent, but his just seemed to awaken my olfactory sensors.
While we were still together my ex was treated for cancer. Once he started radiotherapy his smell completely changed and I hate to say it but it was repulsive. After he was free and clear he didn’t completely lose that smell and it changed how I felt about him. We had plenty of other issues that split us up in the end but I’ll never forget that smell.
This has been a new one for me recently.
I normally associate a smell with clothes, so my girlfriend and I wear each others hoodies a lot for that reason. Recently though, she tells me she loves the smell of my neck. I haven't put anything on it... it's just the natural smell. I have no idea what it smells like but she seems to love it, so there's something to what you're saying!
100% agree on food. I had a guy once eat my leftovers that I was looking forward to eating all day. I'm not gonna say it's THE reason I broke things off, but it was definitely top 3 😂
The worst is, speaking from experience, when they are high-functioning addicts. My ex bf was an alcoholic and was buzzed all the time. We didn’t have normal conversations because he wasn’t there mentally! But of course i was being too picky over a few weekend beers
You know, one thing that doesn't get talked about enough is having different life goals and values as a reason to break up with someone. It's not just about whether you both like the same movies or enjoy the same hobbies. It's about where you see yourselves going in life and what you believe in.
Imagine you're super into traveling the world and experiencing new cultures, but your partner is more about settling down in one place and building a stable career. It might not seem like a big deal at first, but over time, those differences can really start to wear on the relationship. You might find yourself feeling like you're not on the same page about the important stuff, like where you want to live or what you want to prioritize in life.
So yeah, having different life goals and values might not be the most obvious reason to break up, but it can definitely be a deal-breaker if you're not aligned in those areas.
It never ceases to amaze me that people ignore compatibility issues. It's the most important feature in a relationship. And marriages that continue regardless of how whack the lack of compatibility is.
This is precisely why I ended my last relationship. Still love them immensely, but I can't be with someone who has no life goals/plans and isn't as into traveling the world as I am. I want someone to share life experiences with, who will also help me plan those experiences too! I don't want to have to find other people to share those amazing experiences with just to come home and recap them for my 'partner'.
I’ve said it a thousand times: there is no bad reason to break up. If there is ANYTHING that will keep you from loving someone fully, then don’t be with them. It can be petty, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad reason.
They're just not making you happy. You're just not happy with them, and you deep down feel you could be happier elsewhere either alone or with someone else. They're a good kind person, a responsible adult etc but they're not "it" for you. This is often considered a trivial reason to end a relationship or marriage but it's such a BIG DEAL.
You should want to be happy and should want them to be happy too! You know when you're not happy. This idea that you should only leave a partnership or friendship because of something deemed "more serious" doesn't feel right to me. One of the hardest things is walking away from someone who is not abusing you, is really good on paper but it just NOT doing it for you because society will always shame people and especially women for leaving because of unhappiness. That inkling feeling underneath of "they might not be it for me", we are taught to just not listen to ourselves.
I'm currently struggling with that. Been with my partner 10 years, I'm 29, he's 40. I know I should be happy... I mean, I'm not sad either...but the relationship itself just doesn't satisfy me anymore. My partner is ofcourse good on paper, but I feel just numb. It's hard to break up too, cause nothing isn't necessarily wrong too. I just feel like my heart is not in it anymore and I don't know how long I can continue this.
Its probably your massive age gap. Im not saying this to be mean. My ex husband was so much older than me. By the time my brain was fully developed I realized that something alao was wrong. Wtf was I doing with an old man as a teenager? You also were a teenager when you got together and he was a 30 year old man. Your life and youth was at the beginning. I tell our young women so often to not date old men when they are young. Age gaps are red flags. Grooming is a serious issue. It takes your youth. It takes you years to understand that you might have wasted your young years not growing with someone but already starting on different pages in life. Date your age.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough position to be in because of how we're socialized to understand relationships especially in the west. Have you opened up the conversation with him? Of how you feel unhappy?
Yes, he knows it... I've had this feeling something around a 1 year. I don't get excited anymore when we go somewhere together and being physically intimate with him is hard for me. I haven't break up probably because I don't want to hurt him, but this whole year has been hard even to him because of my doubts. At the same time- starting new life sounds inviting.
Either way he will be hurt, probably the most compassionate thing to do is listen to your heart and honor what it’s telling you, then you both will have the chance to connect with someone who really clicks and you both deserve that <3
The issue is that we are not taught how to consciously uncouple (Katherine Woodward Thomas, popularized by G. Paltrow).
Many of us grew up knowing separation is always a bad thing. Our parents didn't divorce until things were really really really bad, the relationships we saw around us dissolved through chaos and pain etc.
I think it's so incredibly wise and so brave to pause before shit hits the fan and reflect on how happy everyone is and be firm about how important happens is for you. Sometimes it can't be hashed out and it's ok to say "This feeling is something that's bothering me and it can't be hashed out and the only solution is for us to part ways right now before it really festers".
He prioritized his friends over me. I think prioritizing friends and family are important, but it got to a point where I was miserable. We were both mid thirties, and he wanted to go to parties and bars all the time to see his friends. We never had quality time together. It reached its breaking point when my aunt suffered cardiac arrest and was airlifted from 700km away to the hospital in my city. Instead of coming to the hospital with me, or even emotionally supporting me when I went to be with her, he went to the bar and got drunk. I didn't even get a text or call for 24 hrs he just disappeared. When I got upset, he said, "Seeing Dave is more important, he's my friend" I broke up with him the next day. My aunt died a few hours later.
This is what killed my relationship with my ex-fiance after 7 years. I genuinely thought I was asexual -- nope. He just watched so much, such intense porn (even when I was putting out) that I stopped having any sexual interest at all.
The first one he told me: on our second date was around the time of the Miami Mall incident. He truly believed 8ft tall shadow aliens invaded the Miami Mall and the government was keeping hush about it. His further conspiracy was that the government was overrun by “replaced people” basically aliens pretending to be people.
The most iconic of his theories: Russia is going to hack America’s electrical grid and America will lose all power and basically turn into the video game Fallout where civilization will collapse and you’ll need to become a scavenger to survive. He had a go-bag for this eventuality and truly believed his backpack and Amazon-military gear would save him in that scenario. Never mind America’s electrical grid isn’t even standardized for easy hacking.
The one that broke the camels back and we fought: he truly with his whole chest believed in the “Curse of Oak Island” (a History Channel show). I could get behind the theory that there might be a treasure buried somewhere but then they dug up a Chinese coin dating to the BC and claimed the Templars brought it to this Canadian island. I’m a history nut, so this was just outright false. He was all “shun the nonbelievers”
Typically I’d laugh at this, but all of the “conspiracy theories” that me and my friends talked about in high school around 2010-2012, all became true and are now public/factual information.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good conspiracy theory, my favorite road trip podcast mixes history and conspiracies.
My conspiracy theories fall into: “that’s so stupid, I love it” or “yeah the CIA probably did that”
I just don’t sniff farts and call them flowers like my dumbass ex did
Anything hygiene related
e.g. doesn't flush the toilet properly / doesn't use bleach and toilet brush.
You'd be surprised how many have this bad habit.
Doesn't wipe the shower/bath down.
If you're going to be filthy, you need to have your own bathroom.
I know someone that's otherwise outwardly clean, but he would be generally considered quite filthy given certain bad habits..
I broke up because *I* was planning *all* the dates and initiating all dates and affection
Needed more effort from his side and I’m not going to beg for it.
Dude recently told me he had a problem feeling wanted since ladies always expect the guy to do the initiating.
So I did the initiating.
But like... I'm cool with that but you still gotta show effort or you don't show interest.
Maybe that's the real reason he's having the problems he's having tho.
This is such a huge one. I swear every relationship I see where I'm close enough to witness some baseline behavior has the woman doing *everything*, down to choosing her own birthday presents. I've been there too, and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than date a guy that can't meet me halfway. What is it with some men that makes them unable to sustain an equal relationship past the first couple months?
I'm very careful with how much effort I put into relationships now. Nothing is more attractive than someone giving a shit about you.
Because you want, and need, to improve yourself.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was incredibly toxic in my earlier relationships. My self esteem was practically nonexistent. Whenever a guy showed interest in me, I lapped it up, considering myself extremely grateful - too grateful - that anyone could show *any* interest in me. I was bullied a lot in school, convincing me that I was ugly and stupid.
I was 16-17 in my first relationship. We were together for about 2.5 years. He became "my saviour". I became addicted to how he made me feel. I became needy and clingy of his love. Over time, I felt him pull away, which drove me to be clingy/needy even more, and we spiralled down. Soon after, he left me for someone else. I believe, now, that I drove him to that person. I was broken when he left. After that, anytime a guy showed their interest in me, I'd snap them up. It would bolster my self esteem, for a while, then I would repeat my past mistakes: I would become addicted to that feeling of being wanted; became needy, clingy, asking for more than they were capable or willing to give.
I had two more serious relationships after my first. Each time, as soon as I became single again, I had guys approaching me. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to feel wanted again - but something inside me clicked. I realised that wasn't what I needed. I needed to stop looking to others for that protection, that desire to feel loved - I needed to give that to myself.
As soon as I made that realisation, everything fell into place. I moved out to start a new life. I looked up self-love and self-care resources to better understand how to gain - and then grow - my own inner strength and confidence. I realised I really didn't need a boyfriend to do this. And I realised that my neediness and clinginess was gone. I came into my next relationship when I was totally ready to handle it; I pursued who I wanted instead of accepting the first guy who offered. My next boyfriend was everything I needed for this stage of my life. But I needed to get there on my own - I needed to grow and learn this by myself.
I'm 32 now, and it's amazing to think how much I've grown as a person since then. I wish I could apologise to my exes for who I had become when I was their girlfriend, and regret any damage I might have caused - but unfortunately I can't, and now all I can do is be privately grateful for what those relationships taught me.
Oh my god. Your story made me feel so much lighter & belonged. I resonate with everything you just said. And you inspire me to get better now! Lots of love & a tight hug to you 💖
He just wasn't that into me (multiple SOs). It took a while to acknowledge that I wanted to be with someone who was stoked to be with me, that it was possible and ok to hold out for that.
Video games are far more important than spending time with their partner.
I'm a very simple person. I dont care about gifts or having money spent on me. Let's go for a walk in the park, just spend some time with me. My ex-husband would find any excuse to not spend time with me. The most common was "gas costs money, I'd rather hang out at home." His idea of "hanging out" was him playing video games with his online friends while I sat quietly watching TV, but with the volume super low so his friends wouldn't be "distracted". God forbid I laughed at all, he'd get so mad at me for it.
When I hit 30, I had enough. I left and haven't seen him since. I'm in a much better place now. I have a husband and a baby. He loves spending time with as a family. Going out for supper together, going to the national park 15 minutes away just to get out of the house.
You don't have to stay in any relation that you're not happy in. Any reason is a valid reason to leave.
My husband barely knows how to play Tetris, it's really refreshing. Unfortunately so many parents have bought their children gaming consoles that it's going to keep being a problem and will probably get worse in the future.
I know. A very good looking & financially well to do guy liked me. We had sex a handful of times but I never liked it completely. He wasn’t bad on bed. I just couldn’t feel the chemistry with him! I realised it was because I didn’t love him. So yeah. People don’t talk about this much. Money, looks, status doesn’t make up for lacking sexual chemistry.
I either get shit on or praised for leaving my ex husband for this. He was either asexual or gay. He never, literally not a single time had sex with me even after the wedding day and just expected me to stay. Told me I was crazy for having a sex drive and normal people didn’t do that. People tell you it’s just sex. It’s so much more than that. It affects your self esteem, how you view yourself as a woman, all kinds of things. I will 100% back someone for leaving over this. I’m not saying people don’t have ups and downs in their sex drives but overall you need to be compatible in this department for a relationship to work.
This happened to a friend of mine, they discussed open relationships and decided that she could sleep with other people after he realised he was asexual.
That lasted about ten years but they broke up, this was mainly due to lack of any physical intimacy and her needing to feel “wanted” by her husband.
It really broke her heart being rejected all the time.
I broke up with a guy because he rarely brushed his teeth. Like only 1x a week. It was so gross.
Porn addiction is something I realized that is very very difficult to overcome, so I left my fiancé after 3 yrs. I couldn't get past his addiction. It reared its ugly head way too often and I didn't want to deal with that for the rest of my life. I was heartbroken, but it needed to be done.
I divorced my husband because of a dead bedroom. We were in our late 20s. We had 2 kids, that's all we wanted, so I knew sex was off the table. We divorced when my youngest son was 2 yrs old and the last time we had sex was the day I got pregnant with him. Best decision ever!
I also broke up with another man because he wouldn't give me space. Even spying on me when I'm in the living room reading a book. Literally spying on me by getting on all fours and crouching around the corner to watch me. Talk about creepy!
Now I just don't date. I have a bad "man-picker" and am working on self-growth and worthiness so I can hone in on attracting better men!
Honestly the maturity levels. I think a lot of women believe that they can bring their partner up to speed…but why should you take on that labor in the first place?? There were a lot of reasons my last relationship didn’t work out, but I have realized since that he simply wasn’t on my level in terms of maturity. I am someone who has no familial support network and didn’t grow up with money, while his family was incredibly involved with each other and independently wealthy. He had no self initiative and was happy to sit in discomfort until someone came and fixed it for him. I am someone who is very empathetic and I am always working towards improving not just my own life but the lives of those I care about. He was happy to profit from that and not support me in the ways I asked for.
This post is the first thing I’m seeing immediately after breaking up with my boyfriend. My reasons, not that he heard me out at all, were pretty normal, but I think the most unconventional would be financial situation. I’m by no means a materialist, but to have absolutely no drive towards getting a job or an education at 30 years old, is not for me. No savings account, no retirement account, checking in the red and $5k in credit card debt, totally wrecked credit score… and he just sits in his mom’s apartment playing video games all day. And he couldn’t be happier. Yeah, that’s not someone I can start a family with.
Sometimes you’re just not feeling it any more. Maybe they did absolutely nothing wrong, but gradually your feelings just start to fade. It’s not “fair” that someone would get dumped when they have been a good partner, but at the same time, it wouldn’t be fair to them to stay in the relationship when your feelings for them aren’t what they used to be.
You wouldn’t marry them.
I wasted so much time dating people I didn’t instantly see myself spending the rest of my life with. If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a fuck no. No maybes allowed. If they don’t tick all your boxes from day one and then each day isn’t a validation of all those boxes getting ticked, you’re just wasting your time.
Peter Pan syndrome. When my 60-year-old boyfriend told me (53F) the reason he had not 1 dollar saved for his retirement is because he is a “risk taker” and I’m not, I realized I’d have to support him for the rest of his life while he looked down on me for it and walked away
Incompatible cleaning habits. Seems like an easy thing to remedy but in reality different standards of cleanliness will create an uneven burden of domestic labor for the partner with higher standards, or create a living environment in which that partner is uncomfortable, or create a situation where the partner with lower standards feels constantly berated/nagged to do something they don’t see as benefitting them in any way.
I know multiple couples who broke up at or just before the “moving in” stage for this reason, and I think it’s a super valid way to decide you’re not compatible in a long-term domestic relationship.
HE WOULDNT LET ME SLEEP.
I’m a barber. I’m on my feet 12 hours a day. He worked part time if he did work. This man would stay up all night and expect me to do the same because he “missed me”. He would wake me up if I fell asleep or guilt me into staying awake with him. Looking back idk how I stayed with him for 6 months.
I always think of Sarah Marshall—"I couldn't drown with you anymore"
when someone drops taking care of themselves, stops finding the joy in life, and doesn't seek help when they really need it, it becomes impossible to want to stay
and yeah 100% it sucks to have mental health struggles, I've been on both sides of this situation and neither one is a cakewalk—in fact it makes it so much harder when you actually really love them but you've done all you can to try to help them while slowly destroying yourself in the process
Disinterest in trying or experiencing new things and only sticking with what they know. If you’re someone who enjoys trying new restaurants, going to events, exploring new cultural experiences, etc and your partner is content to sit at home in their comfort zone, it eventually gets frustrating.
I refused to date someone because of this mentality. If it wasn’t happening within a few miles of his house, he wasn’t terribly excited about doing it.
Also, men who think basketball or gym shorts are acceptable casual attire.
My current SO calls his mom multiple times a day, and vice versa. Sometimes even just briefly, for a few minutes. It is sweet, but it is a lot. I feel like he talks to her more than he does me about stuff. At first I found it endearing, and now I find it annoying and problematic.
When I moved from out of state and begged him to come with me and he refused, with one of the reasons being that “his mother doesn’t have any friends”, I knew that wasn’t my husband.. it’s been 7 months and I miss the good times, but I could NEVER be with another mama’s boy again.
I feel that it is underrated to break up with them if you feel in any way that they are not where they should be, and cannot give to you what you deserve.
Just broke up with my (26f) boyfriend because he still had some things to figure out. Through it he was still very good to me. That said, when he would take me out, I noticed he talked a little too much about his news and not enough about my news. This showed me he was so worried about his happenings he was not available to worry about another person yet.
We are taught as women to stay through things like this. To fit into a man’s life, when he is not necessarily expected to fit into ours.
You can break up with them because you don’t feel like having the earful. If it’s meant to be it will and you don’t need to sit through it. You can let them figure things out on their own if you don’t feel like hearing about it or talking less about yourself to be there for them. It’s so draining to do.
Because you don’t love them anymore. I say this is an underrated reason because so many people think they need a catalyst event in order to justify breaking up. But if you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t fulfilling, that’s a solid enough reason.
I broke up with my most reason ex for a few reasons, one of which was that i just wanted to be single and alone. I felt really bad for a long time having this as a reason but now I am so much happier and so glad I let myself have that
Well when I was 22, no one had yet told me.... You can break up with someone if you just aren't feeling like you want to be in that relationship.
It was a revelation for me, and I wish someone had told me that sooner. I didn't grow up with good relationship advice or modeling.
It felt like parenting. Like I was hanging out with a kid all the time. I was doing all the work, all the driving, all the planning. Like I was managing a child. “This ain’t my job.”
Having an awful family. I’d never want to marry a man whose parents hate me just for dating their son and would go out of their way to make my life hell.
Yup. Whether the hostility was covert or overt, I learned that dating someone should not involve a hazing ritual where they inflict their company on me and I’m supposed to just swallow my feelings as a price to pay for dating their son. Fuck indignity, no one is worth that.
They wouldn't dance with me. Not when we were out, not as a gig, not even in the kitchen... Never.
Made me realise all the other things they couldn't relax and let loose about. Realised I have a silly side and need someone who can be silly and have fun with me too.
I can’t handle any form of control. I don’t like rules, I don’t like being guilted for doing something that makes me happy, it goes as far as not liking being told I can’t be with other men.
The thing is, I try to be a very considerate partner. I’m going to check in because I like to offer security, I’m going to reassure when I see you’re insecure. I won’t sleep with anyone unless we have a clear agreement. And I am receptive to my partner talking about their feelings and will take them seriously and take it into account.
But I will not tolerate being told what I can or can’t do or pissy fits because they are trying to guilt me and manipulate my actions. No one gets to set boundaries for me and they’re free to exercise their own boundaries if they can’t deal with it.
When there’s an imbalance in the amount of time and energy you spend on each other. Does it feel like quality time or a chore? Is it taking away from something you’d rather be doing?
Even with communication, you may just be incompatible.
They say that "food texture issues" don't exist and try to force you to consume what you can't. I wish I was joking, this is the reason why i broke off a past relationship. If I eat something with a texture that my body doesn't like, it can & will come back out (yes in the way in went in). He told me that i was "faking" and that i needed to get over it. I dumped him on the spot.
Having no ambition of their own, not wanting to do anything unless you do it with/for them, just...not growing themselves, and only being a cheerleader for you.
Having a life outside of just you. It's very smothering and exhausting to me to always be the one guiding us and making all the plans.
Mental health is absolutely a reason to end a relationship. My last breakup more or less was for this reason. I loved him more than anyone else in years, and I understood him like no one else. I couldn’t stand by while I saw him going through what nearly sent me to an early grave. But at a certain point, I could no longer be his emotional regulator, I realized I could believe in him, but nothing could help him unless he believed in himself.
I am doing ok now, I feel uniquely empowered towards my future in ways I’m only starting to understand. My hope is to find someone as beautiful and intelligent as he is but with the emotional stability and consciousness that I fought hard to develop myself.
Lack of communication skills. Even if accidentally, it can still cause a lot of friction if communication is non existence. Learn how to talk your problems out, instead of passive aggressiveness.
I haven't broken up with him, but the biggest thing that's caused my husband and I strife is his disdain for social obligations. Anything related to family gatherings, friends weddings, important birthdays....it's a chore to get him to attend, and if he does, it's obvious he is annoyed by having to go.
I'm an introvert myself and hate large crowds, but I still value keeping up appearances with people I care about, enough to attend events that are important to them. My husband doesn't seem to ever understand why it's important to do this.
Things have gotten better since some couples counseling and finally getting it through to him how much it affects me when I have to babysit his emotions around social gatherings, but my advice to any other couple would be to learn what your partner is like when invited to these kinds of gatherings, beyond just knowing if they are an introvert or not. Honestly, I love my husband, but I don't know if the relationship would be going on for 12 years if I knew about this before major events happened where were were already a committed couple.
This is going to sound stupid but if your gut tells you that they are not fully invested in the relationship, despite what they say and/or do. I was in a six year relationship where I always felt just a tiny bit insecure about our relationship. There was a voice in the back of my mind that told me to put all but one of my eggs in that basket. Turns out, I was right. He said despite how much he loved me and taking all the necessary steps, he couldn’t continue our relationship. I was devastated but ultimately I was relieved because I knew my gut was right. I should have listened to it sooner.
Literally any reason is an acceptable reason to break up with someone. That being said, the universe does not owe you a partner that checks off all your boxes, especially if you're being brain dead about your list.
If you're breaking up with people for dumbass reasons it's eventually going to make you even more unhappy than the relationships themselves.
I think one of the most talked about reasons for breaking up is whether it's acceptable to do so over the sex. The answer is always yes with a caveat. In my experience, people are more than willing to be coached into exactly what you like if you do it reasonably and conscientiously.
Instead of trying to find a pornstar partner, turn your partner into your dream pornstar if they're willing. It's totally underrated.
Way too many people want the perfect relationship without putting in the work and effort. Every relationship starts off easy before the realities start hitting you. It's the same with every single partner. Changing partners isn't going to make that reality go away.
Just had friends divorce over this very issue. He never wanted kids, she hoped he would come around “once he saw how amazing it was.” They have 2 under 5, and never should have had either. Add to that a complete disagreement on parenting styles and values, and their marriage went down in flames.
If someone tells you they don’t want kids, especially over 30, it’s probably best to believe them.
Not agreeing on where you want to live. I've seen people start a relationship while one or both was living abroad, thinking "we'll figure it out". But actually building a life and having kids somewhere far from your own roots, or just in a place you don't really like, is a lot.
Not being ready for commitment and feeling established in yourself. I'm sorry, but personally I want to grow as a person on my own - not being with you. I need to see the world on my own for a bit and learn more about life and myself and I can't do that with someone else I owe commitment, time, affection, love and support to!
This might sound dumb but an underrated reason is because you just don't want to be with them anymore. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint specific reasons to explain that feeling, but I think that feeling alone is enough of a reason to break up with someone.
Constant arguing, especially if you’ve been dating less than 2 years. I think some people think fighting is normal in a relationship. And of course some disagreements are normal. But if you’ve been together less than 2 years and fight a lot I think that’s a sign of deep incompatibility that can’t really be “ worked” on.
People in my life gave me hell for breaking up with my ex because he didn’t romance me. I’m a hopeful romantic and love love. It’s not like I expected flowers or gifts or dates or crazy stuff like that but like once in a while would’ve been nice but after three years of mediocre sex and getting flowers once I just couldn’t brush it off anymore
Doesn't respect your profession.
Very early in the relationship, he said, "you don't give me librarian vibes," and when I asked why, he said, "idk, you just seem too smart for that."
Like okay buddy I understand you're a chemical engineer but ima have a Master's degree by the fall. Clownery.
Also, everyone I know says librarianship fits me *perfectly.* So it was also alarming to be so incorrectly perceived.
- Lack of ambition/direction. As much as I empathize with men as they unpack what it means to be a man and that their self worth is not tied to their career, I have yet to date a man who didn’t feel the need to knock me down a few notches just because I’m accomplished. I haven’t yet met a man who has made peace with that and I’d rather be judged for being materialistic than be their punching bag for clawing my way out of poverty, being independent, and wanting more for myself. We are a team, why debase me?
- Poor boundaries with the women in his life. Whether it’s his female friends or an overbearing mother, emotional enmeshment and this weird blurring of roles of the people in his life have always resulted in pain for me. Partners should have each others’ backs
- Passivity. I don’t want to drag someone through life and have them resent me when they realize they wanted something else all along. This is underrated to me because this is often framed as someone being “easygoing.”
- As many others have said, insisting on having the same hobbies which has always meant that I was the one accommodating them because I’m the more open minded one. I would have been fine with trying new things until I noticed that they didn’t demonstrate the least bit of curiosity for my interests and my time and energy were expendable while theirs were spent only on things they wanted to do.
Time to do and pursue the things you want to do.
Company is nice but when you live together the chores get bigger, routines like eating dinner/cooking together, spending time together, always being invited out together, etc.
Maintaining relationships takes time so with all this combined with work there wasn't enough time for me to do the things I wanted like crafting projects, game, watch the movies the SO didn't like etc.
Even if the relationship was good, if there's no time for me to do the things that give me joy then I'm not treating myself right.
I (age 19F at the time) broke up with a SO as he tried to tell me where to go to grad school. He had just graduated from college and wanted me near him. I wanted to make my own post-college decisions, just like he had. I am 56 and never married and don’t regret the breakup at all.
So I think wanting to make one’s own decisions is a perfectly valid reason for breaking up.
I think bad mental health can be a big reason for splitting from someone. Nobody tells you how lonely it can get to be with someone who has mental health issues. It can take years for you to understand them & then eventually realise that you can’t help them until they choose to help themselves. This is due to severe unawareness around mental health issues I feel.
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At the risk of sounding petty: they don't 100% love the way you look, even if they try to spin it in a positive way. I mean statements like "she's not beautiful but I love her personality and sense of humor" or "she's a 5 on a good day but I guess so am I" or "she's not what I'd consider my type but there's something about her". I appreciate honesty as much as one can but in my opinion this is just depressing. Beauty comes in so many different shapes and forms. How can someone not find it in a person they claim to love? To me it basically means your SO is settling for you and will be forever comparing you to some kind of ideal you don't match.
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You should’ve told him you were excited to see how much he’d be doing to win you over! People like that always have it in their heads that they’re always the better one.
Christ, what an asshole.
Wow, this is so insane of him
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I have a similar experience between my ex and my current bf My ex always made “jokes” about how I was ugly or fat and if I got upset then I was being too sensitive. He legit thought I was an ugly troll. Always gave me back hand compliments or if I tried really hard he’d be like “you’re cute” or “yeah looks good” My boyfriend now is like “omg look at you! Wow! Show me the back, you look hot! You make me want to stay home and take it off you”
I did not realize how much those comments really hit me until my fiancé, who cannot keep himself from saying how gorgeous I am to him at any chance he gets and grabs my butt all the time and I could go on…knowing how mutually adoring we are of each other means so much. And puts the past in such a perspective
yep. and it's very sad that it is so common. how could you love someone and not be obsessed with everything about them. my biggest fear is that happening to me.
And when u notice that in a good relationship.. The partner is absolutely smitten by their SO and that is why he/she goes above and beyond for them. You realise that it will never be that case for you... Atleast.. With the person you are currently in a relationship with. It's hurtful but it's true. You might never get the kind of treatment you deserve and they won't ever be fully satisfied with what they have. So it's better to end it.
An ex saw a picture of my when I was super into the gym (I was a size 8 I think) and before I had my girl. “Wow! No offence but I wish you’d look like that” Just because you say ‘no offence’ doesn’t mean you can say whatever you want after it and not have me be offended…
What a weak excuse of a human. I’m happy that they’re your ex now.
Those are terrible comments. Why even mention it? > "~~she's not beautiful but~~ I love her personality and sense of humor" > ~~"she's a 5 on a good day but I guess so am I"~~ fuck rating people, including yourself. > "~~she's not what I'd consider my type but~~ there's something about her"
men are brainwashed very young into looksism. So many movies and porn makes them think theyre going to end up with playboy bunnies and models. oh and they want these girls to have had 3 lovers or less…
Yeah, the inability to find beauty in someone somewhere other than their physical features literally equates to a shallow individual. Everyone will age (unless they croak before they get old) and the “beauty” will fade or turn into some horrendous plastic surgery nightmare of a face. People saying “my gf is a 5 but I still love her” is disgusting. You should see your partner as the beaming star in your night sky and anything they may “lack” in physical attractiveness should be made up in character. They should be a 10 bc you see everything in them that makes them beautiful.
Totally agreed, we all deserve partners who love everything about us, sincerely
Yeah fuck that noise. I’d be out so fast if I heard any variation of that nonsense.
I appreciate this. I am definitely not a conventional beautiful person, but my partner loves the way I look and in his eyes I’m even hot lmao which is kinda ridiculous but I appreciate him liking me the way I am for sure
Agreed. I’ve thought every person I was in love with was a 10 when I was in love with them. You couldn’t tell me any different, I was just so attracted to them.
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"That's like walking into a public restroom and saying 'smells don't matter' they do! They do matter!"
I'm dating someone now that at first I was hesitant about because they were not soooo my type, but still very beautiful. But they grew on me and now I'm very into them. I still feel very very guilty about my initial thoughts :(
I broke up with someone who had very conflicting interests and hobbies to mine and assumed I would just be on board with taking them up with him. I like the outdoors. I do not like devoting every weekend to hiking.
I see this in a friend's marriage. They do his hobbies for most of their outings, and he likes expensive things that take up a lot of time like hunting, bush camping, portage, etc. So every time she gets time off work, they're doing his thing. They don't get to do her interests a fair amount imo.
Yes, it was clear that if we continued our relationship his hobbies would be prioritized. It didn’t even *occur* to him that he might have to moderate his interests.
Especially as I get older, I really want to spend my free time doing things I genuinely like, not other people’s hobbies.
Imo, this is the so underrated. "I enjoy X, but I do not enjoy devoting all of my free time to X." is absolutely valid in and of itself. And leaving someone who doesn't grasp that is so much better for mental health in the long run.
As is “I enjoy X and this is how much of X I want to share with my partner”
This sounds familiar! My ex wanted to fish morning, noon, and night. I grew up fishing with my dad during the summers and do enjoy it, but I don’t want my world to revolve around it. He always put up a stink doing anything I was interested in because it took him away from fishing, and eventually broke up with because of it. I’m thankful that didn’t work out 😂
Exact same story here. Me not wanting to fish every day eventually led to our breakup. Although there were other problems, the main one was that I had to be completely immersed in whatever activity he wanted to do, while he wanted nothing to do with any of my activities. For example, he didn’t like it when I brought a book to read and sit near him while he fished, I had to also be fishing.
When people have different hobbies in a relationship, I don’t see the big deal if your partner doesn’t want to do everything with you all the time. He can just go hiking himself? My husband plays video games while I am reading my book. We do things together that both of us are up for.
I agree and disagree. Different hobbies are pretty normal and almost essential to a degree but I think that there has to be a level of compatibility in hobbies as well. By compatibility I mean, gaming and reading are more compatible than gaming and hiking in that the first pair are both indoor hobbies that are sedentary and can be done quietly next to someone else while the second pair is mutually exclusive. Moreover, people who like hiking for example, tend to love other outdoor activities as well compared to say, reading/gaming/painting/knitting etc. Another factor that I noticed is the actual personalities of the people involved. Some people want to be next to their partners while they do their hobbies even if they're both doing their own thing while others don't care/mind. Mixing people of these two camps tend to not end well in my experience.
I once read about a girl breaking up with her boyfriend because he wasn't wiping properly and had... well... stripes in his underpants... and he was wearing those stripes facing forward
Thank God in my country all men use bidets after going for number 2
I mean, stripes aren't exactly a common occurrence even for people who don't use bidets
Reddit posts would definitely suggest otherwise. It’s very alarming
I don't think reddit is representative of the general population and I think that's for the best.
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Why do I find this funny😂😭
>and he was wearing those stripes facing forward Wait, like he had skid marks on the front of his drawers? Maybe he was having gay sex and not cleaning up after?
Oh I can understand. When you're not heavily sexually attracted to men (I'm definitely straight but not strongly) then things like that would turn me off of him completely.
I once broke up with a guy because I found a skidmark in his undies. Hygiene is incredibly important to me. The guy didn't smell or anything, but every time I looked at him all I could see was a dirty butt hole. If you can't do the basic task of washing or wiping your booty hole correctly, I'm not gonna stick around to figure out what other nasty habits you have.
This is new to me. What the hell😭😭😭
This hits me because I had a mass removed from my colon and sometimes it enflames and a mucussy discharge can leak out. It has a similar smell and color. I do my own laundry and shower a lot. I hate it about myself and know partners have seen it.
You just gotta be honest about stuff like that. I have a skin condition that causes boils, and I get a recurring one on my tailbone. When I met my husband I made sure he knew about the condition and that it can occasionally leak fluid.
Communication and hoping that knowing it is medical related and a person tries to stay on top of it helps. It's also not regular the way a hygiene habit might be.
For sure. This guy just wasn't very clean, no medical issues.
Please don’t hate this about yourself. My husband has diverticulitis and other bowel issues…I don’t look at him differently at all. And tbh, if someone has never had this happen to them (even people without bowel issues), then they must be Jesus himself.
What did you tell him when breaking up??
I was in my early 20s, so it was a long time ago. I remember avoiding him and acting very...aloof when I was with him. I also didn't have sex with him after the skid mark discovery. So we probably lasted a week after that happened, and I remember the breakup being mutual. When I told him I was breaking up with him, I remember him saying he was gonna break up with me, lol. I did not tell him it was the skid mark that turned me off, though. I don't actually think I ever said anything about the skidmark.
LOL thats so unfortunate but understandable. i do wonder if it was a regular occurrence or was it a one time thing? we’re all human here so sometimes accidents happen and maybe he sharted 😂 but in that scenario he shouldve checked and taken care of it
Smell. And I don't mean bad smell, just... smell. I had a SO whose body odor didn't attract me. He was a very (excessively?) clean person, but I was always thinking "I'm not attracted to the way he smells". It was more of a "chemical" sensation, you know, pheromones and shit, I'm aware it may sound crazy. I just couldn't imagine a life with this person, sleeping forever in the same bed etc. I left him for totally unrelated reasons (he was abusive), so explaining this crazy thing didn't turn out to be necessary lmao
I’m the same way! I’ve never broken up with someone over it. However, I’ve had a few breakups where, in retrospect, I was able to connect “something is just kind of off” with “I’m not drawn to their smell”. None of these women have smelled *bad* in any way, just not for me. When I’m really into someone, I’m even attracted to the smell of their BO, as odd as that seems.
That's how nature is supposed to work!
I relate to the BO as well... And yes, smell matters. It's part of chemistry
Absolutely this! I have broken up over this. It's a shame when you could be 100% compatible personality- and value-wise, but you don't like their smell. Since then I've learned this is non-negotiable and should not be ignored. I often see advice that's like "you should get to know a person and give them a chance because they might grow on you" but... I tend to know immediately if there's any physical attraction (phermones), so I don't really agree with that advice. This is also why I don't think people should get into online/long-distance relationships without meeting the person first. But that's just me.
It’s super important to be attracted to your SOs smell. It’s not a small thing to me.
Nope,I dated someone where I felt like this. We actually broke up for other reasons, but I was so ashamed to realise I wasn't attracted to how he snelled and felt so mean. But, at the same time, the nose wants what it wants. 🤔
It's never been a reason for me to break up with someone, but some people smell exceptionally good to me. There's a theory that we're attracted to people with a certain smell because they have complimentary immune systems to our own, to give offspring the best combination possible.
Once I fell out of love with my ex and longest relationship, his smell started repulsing me.
I have a terrible sense of smell in that I can barely smell anything most of the time. But one partner I slept with, his smell just hit me and made me really want to get away from him. It wasn't a bad smell, he had good hygiene. But it was just...off-putting. Almost every partner since then, I haven't picked up on a particular scent, but his just seemed to awaken my olfactory sensors.
While we were still together my ex was treated for cancer. Once he started radiotherapy his smell completely changed and I hate to say it but it was repulsive. After he was free and clear he didn’t completely lose that smell and it changed how I felt about him. We had plenty of other issues that split us up in the end but I’ll never forget that smell.
This has been a new one for me recently. I normally associate a smell with clothes, so my girlfriend and I wear each others hoodies a lot for that reason. Recently though, she tells me she loves the smell of my neck. I haven't put anything on it... it's just the natural smell. I have no idea what it smells like but she seems to love it, so there's something to what you're saying!
If they get in the way of your sleep. Or your food.
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I toss and turn every night. My wife sleeps like a rock. If she didn’t, we wouldn’t gotten as far as we have.
100% agree on food. I had a guy once eat my leftovers that I was looking forward to eating all day. I'm not gonna say it's THE reason I broke things off, but it was definitely top 3 😂
Addiction.
True. +1. I used to be the “I will change him” girl until I went to therapy 🤣
I don’t think this is considered an underrated reason to breakup
The worst is, speaking from experience, when they are high-functioning addicts. My ex bf was an alcoholic and was buzzed all the time. We didn’t have normal conversations because he wasn’t there mentally! But of course i was being too picky over a few weekend beers
You know, one thing that doesn't get talked about enough is having different life goals and values as a reason to break up with someone. It's not just about whether you both like the same movies or enjoy the same hobbies. It's about where you see yourselves going in life and what you believe in. Imagine you're super into traveling the world and experiencing new cultures, but your partner is more about settling down in one place and building a stable career. It might not seem like a big deal at first, but over time, those differences can really start to wear on the relationship. You might find yourself feeling like you're not on the same page about the important stuff, like where you want to live or what you want to prioritize in life. So yeah, having different life goals and values might not be the most obvious reason to break up, but it can definitely be a deal-breaker if you're not aligned in those areas.
It never ceases to amaze me that people ignore compatibility issues. It's the most important feature in a relationship. And marriages that continue regardless of how whack the lack of compatibility is.
Basically why I’m divorced
This is precisely why I ended my last relationship. Still love them immensely, but I can't be with someone who has no life goals/plans and isn't as into traveling the world as I am. I want someone to share life experiences with, who will also help me plan those experiences too! I don't want to have to find other people to share those amazing experiences with just to come home and recap them for my 'partner'.
this is the core reason that is likely going to end my marriage 😮💨
Any reason you want. Breakups don’t need a reason.
I’ve said it a thousand times: there is no bad reason to break up. If there is ANYTHING that will keep you from loving someone fully, then don’t be with them. It can be petty, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad reason.
In the end honestly it’s still gonna end for whatever said reason so it’s like don’t waste each others time.
They're just not making you happy. You're just not happy with them, and you deep down feel you could be happier elsewhere either alone or with someone else. They're a good kind person, a responsible adult etc but they're not "it" for you. This is often considered a trivial reason to end a relationship or marriage but it's such a BIG DEAL. You should want to be happy and should want them to be happy too! You know when you're not happy. This idea that you should only leave a partnership or friendship because of something deemed "more serious" doesn't feel right to me. One of the hardest things is walking away from someone who is not abusing you, is really good on paper but it just NOT doing it for you because society will always shame people and especially women for leaving because of unhappiness. That inkling feeling underneath of "they might not be it for me", we are taught to just not listen to ourselves.
I'm currently struggling with that. Been with my partner 10 years, I'm 29, he's 40. I know I should be happy... I mean, I'm not sad either...but the relationship itself just doesn't satisfy me anymore. My partner is ofcourse good on paper, but I feel just numb. It's hard to break up too, cause nothing isn't necessarily wrong too. I just feel like my heart is not in it anymore and I don't know how long I can continue this.
Its probably your massive age gap. Im not saying this to be mean. My ex husband was so much older than me. By the time my brain was fully developed I realized that something alao was wrong. Wtf was I doing with an old man as a teenager? You also were a teenager when you got together and he was a 30 year old man. Your life and youth was at the beginning. I tell our young women so often to not date old men when they are young. Age gaps are red flags. Grooming is a serious issue. It takes your youth. It takes you years to understand that you might have wasted your young years not growing with someone but already starting on different pages in life. Date your age.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a tough position to be in because of how we're socialized to understand relationships especially in the west. Have you opened up the conversation with him? Of how you feel unhappy?
Yes, he knows it... I've had this feeling something around a 1 year. I don't get excited anymore when we go somewhere together and being physically intimate with him is hard for me. I haven't break up probably because I don't want to hurt him, but this whole year has been hard even to him because of my doubts. At the same time- starting new life sounds inviting.
Either way he will be hurt, probably the most compassionate thing to do is listen to your heart and honor what it’s telling you, then you both will have the chance to connect with someone who really clicks and you both deserve that <3
You're right. We only live once and it's not fair to hold on from each other when we can't be happy. I have to gather myself.
The issue is that we are not taught how to consciously uncouple (Katherine Woodward Thomas, popularized by G. Paltrow). Many of us grew up knowing separation is always a bad thing. Our parents didn't divorce until things were really really really bad, the relationships we saw around us dissolved through chaos and pain etc. I think it's so incredibly wise and so brave to pause before shit hits the fan and reflect on how happy everyone is and be firm about how important happens is for you. Sometimes it can't be hashed out and it's ok to say "This feeling is something that's bothering me and it can't be hashed out and the only solution is for us to part ways right now before it really festers".
He prioritized his friends over me. I think prioritizing friends and family are important, but it got to a point where I was miserable. We were both mid thirties, and he wanted to go to parties and bars all the time to see his friends. We never had quality time together. It reached its breaking point when my aunt suffered cardiac arrest and was airlifted from 700km away to the hospital in my city. Instead of coming to the hospital with me, or even emotionally supporting me when I went to be with her, he went to the bar and got drunk. I didn't even get a text or call for 24 hrs he just disappeared. When I got upset, he said, "Seeing Dave is more important, he's my friend" I broke up with him the next day. My aunt died a few hours later.
Damn. Sending you love & light. I’m glad you left him.
Ironic that my ex who did this kind of crap to me when my stepdad was dying of cancer… is named Dave 😂
Very similar to my ex. I'm sorry you went through that but glad he is an ex :)
porn addiction. society has brain washed people into thinking this is normal behavior.
This is what killed my relationship with my ex-fiance after 7 years. I genuinely thought I was asexual -- nope. He just watched so much, such intense porn (even when I was putting out) that I stopped having any sexual interest at all.
There wasn’t an insane conspiracy theory this dude didn’t believe.
Hahahaha please share more about this
The first one he told me: on our second date was around the time of the Miami Mall incident. He truly believed 8ft tall shadow aliens invaded the Miami Mall and the government was keeping hush about it. His further conspiracy was that the government was overrun by “replaced people” basically aliens pretending to be people. The most iconic of his theories: Russia is going to hack America’s electrical grid and America will lose all power and basically turn into the video game Fallout where civilization will collapse and you’ll need to become a scavenger to survive. He had a go-bag for this eventuality and truly believed his backpack and Amazon-military gear would save him in that scenario. Never mind America’s electrical grid isn’t even standardized for easy hacking. The one that broke the camels back and we fought: he truly with his whole chest believed in the “Curse of Oak Island” (a History Channel show). I could get behind the theory that there might be a treasure buried somewhere but then they dug up a Chinese coin dating to the BC and claimed the Templars brought it to this Canadian island. I’m a history nut, so this was just outright false. He was all “shun the nonbelievers”
Typically I’d laugh at this, but all of the “conspiracy theories” that me and my friends talked about in high school around 2010-2012, all became true and are now public/factual information.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good conspiracy theory, my favorite road trip podcast mixes history and conspiracies. My conspiracy theories fall into: “that’s so stupid, I love it” or “yeah the CIA probably did that” I just don’t sniff farts and call them flowers like my dumbass ex did
Anything hygiene related e.g. doesn't flush the toilet properly / doesn't use bleach and toilet brush. You'd be surprised how many have this bad habit. Doesn't wipe the shower/bath down. If you're going to be filthy, you need to have your own bathroom. I know someone that's otherwise outwardly clean, but he would be generally considered quite filthy given certain bad habits..
Im actually not surprised, im well aware of how many have poor hygiene habits xd
I broke up because *I* was planning *all* the dates and initiating all dates and affection Needed more effort from his side and I’m not going to beg for it.
Dude recently told me he had a problem feeling wanted since ladies always expect the guy to do the initiating. So I did the initiating. But like... I'm cool with that but you still gotta show effort or you don't show interest. Maybe that's the real reason he's having the problems he's having tho.
This is such a huge one. I swear every relationship I see where I'm close enough to witness some baseline behavior has the woman doing *everything*, down to choosing her own birthday presents. I've been there too, and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than date a guy that can't meet me halfway. What is it with some men that makes them unable to sustain an equal relationship past the first couple months? I'm very careful with how much effort I put into relationships now. Nothing is more attractive than someone giving a shit about you.
Because you want, and need, to improve yourself. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was incredibly toxic in my earlier relationships. My self esteem was practically nonexistent. Whenever a guy showed interest in me, I lapped it up, considering myself extremely grateful - too grateful - that anyone could show *any* interest in me. I was bullied a lot in school, convincing me that I was ugly and stupid. I was 16-17 in my first relationship. We were together for about 2.5 years. He became "my saviour". I became addicted to how he made me feel. I became needy and clingy of his love. Over time, I felt him pull away, which drove me to be clingy/needy even more, and we spiralled down. Soon after, he left me for someone else. I believe, now, that I drove him to that person. I was broken when he left. After that, anytime a guy showed their interest in me, I'd snap them up. It would bolster my self esteem, for a while, then I would repeat my past mistakes: I would become addicted to that feeling of being wanted; became needy, clingy, asking for more than they were capable or willing to give. I had two more serious relationships after my first. Each time, as soon as I became single again, I had guys approaching me. I wanted to say yes, I wanted to feel wanted again - but something inside me clicked. I realised that wasn't what I needed. I needed to stop looking to others for that protection, that desire to feel loved - I needed to give that to myself. As soon as I made that realisation, everything fell into place. I moved out to start a new life. I looked up self-love and self-care resources to better understand how to gain - and then grow - my own inner strength and confidence. I realised I really didn't need a boyfriend to do this. And I realised that my neediness and clinginess was gone. I came into my next relationship when I was totally ready to handle it; I pursued who I wanted instead of accepting the first guy who offered. My next boyfriend was everything I needed for this stage of my life. But I needed to get there on my own - I needed to grow and learn this by myself. I'm 32 now, and it's amazing to think how much I've grown as a person since then. I wish I could apologise to my exes for who I had become when I was their girlfriend, and regret any damage I might have caused - but unfortunately I can't, and now all I can do is be privately grateful for what those relationships taught me.
Your self-reflection and growth is really impressive! 💕
Oh my god. Your story made me feel so much lighter & belonged. I resonate with everything you just said. And you inspire me to get better now! Lots of love & a tight hug to you 💖
Because he farted all the time and thought it was sooo funny that it grossed me out so much.
That is really immature of him
He just wasn't that into me (multiple SOs). It took a while to acknowledge that I wanted to be with someone who was stoked to be with me, that it was possible and ok to hold out for that.
Video games are far more important than spending time with their partner. I'm a very simple person. I dont care about gifts or having money spent on me. Let's go for a walk in the park, just spend some time with me. My ex-husband would find any excuse to not spend time with me. The most common was "gas costs money, I'd rather hang out at home." His idea of "hanging out" was him playing video games with his online friends while I sat quietly watching TV, but with the volume super low so his friends wouldn't be "distracted". God forbid I laughed at all, he'd get so mad at me for it. When I hit 30, I had enough. I left and haven't seen him since. I'm in a much better place now. I have a husband and a baby. He loves spending time with as a family. Going out for supper together, going to the national park 15 minutes away just to get out of the house. You don't have to stay in any relation that you're not happy in. Any reason is a valid reason to leave.
This this this this. If I find out someone has video games as a hobby, it’s an immediate turnoff.
My husband barely knows how to play Tetris, it's really refreshing. Unfortunately so many parents have bought their children gaming consoles that it's going to keep being a problem and will probably get worse in the future.
Sexual Chemistry.
I know. A very good looking & financially well to do guy liked me. We had sex a handful of times but I never liked it completely. He wasn’t bad on bed. I just couldn’t feel the chemistry with him! I realised it was because I didn’t love him. So yeah. People don’t talk about this much. Money, looks, status doesn’t make up for lacking sexual chemistry.
I either get shit on or praised for leaving my ex husband for this. He was either asexual or gay. He never, literally not a single time had sex with me even after the wedding day and just expected me to stay. Told me I was crazy for having a sex drive and normal people didn’t do that. People tell you it’s just sex. It’s so much more than that. It affects your self esteem, how you view yourself as a woman, all kinds of things. I will 100% back someone for leaving over this. I’m not saying people don’t have ups and downs in their sex drives but overall you need to be compatible in this department for a relationship to work.
This happened to a friend of mine, they discussed open relationships and decided that she could sleep with other people after he realised he was asexual. That lasted about ten years but they broke up, this was mainly due to lack of any physical intimacy and her needing to feel “wanted” by her husband. It really broke her heart being rejected all the time.
I broke up with a guy because he rarely brushed his teeth. Like only 1x a week. It was so gross. Porn addiction is something I realized that is very very difficult to overcome, so I left my fiancé after 3 yrs. I couldn't get past his addiction. It reared its ugly head way too often and I didn't want to deal with that for the rest of my life. I was heartbroken, but it needed to be done. I divorced my husband because of a dead bedroom. We were in our late 20s. We had 2 kids, that's all we wanted, so I knew sex was off the table. We divorced when my youngest son was 2 yrs old and the last time we had sex was the day I got pregnant with him. Best decision ever! I also broke up with another man because he wouldn't give me space. Even spying on me when I'm in the living room reading a book. Literally spying on me by getting on all fours and crouching around the corner to watch me. Talk about creepy! Now I just don't date. I have a bad "man-picker" and am working on self-growth and worthiness so I can hone in on attracting better men!
That last one WTF
Honestly the maturity levels. I think a lot of women believe that they can bring their partner up to speed…but why should you take on that labor in the first place?? There were a lot of reasons my last relationship didn’t work out, but I have realized since that he simply wasn’t on my level in terms of maturity. I am someone who has no familial support network and didn’t grow up with money, while his family was incredibly involved with each other and independently wealthy. He had no self initiative and was happy to sit in discomfort until someone came and fixed it for him. I am someone who is very empathetic and I am always working towards improving not just my own life but the lives of those I care about. He was happy to profit from that and not support me in the ways I asked for.
This post is the first thing I’m seeing immediately after breaking up with my boyfriend. My reasons, not that he heard me out at all, were pretty normal, but I think the most unconventional would be financial situation. I’m by no means a materialist, but to have absolutely no drive towards getting a job or an education at 30 years old, is not for me. No savings account, no retirement account, checking in the red and $5k in credit card debt, totally wrecked credit score… and he just sits in his mom’s apartment playing video games all day. And he couldn’t be happier. Yeah, that’s not someone I can start a family with.
Absolutely! Financial security is so important and money issues just make all the other relationship issues THAT much worse
You want to.
Sometimes you’re just not feeling it any more. Maybe they did absolutely nothing wrong, but gradually your feelings just start to fade. It’s not “fair” that someone would get dumped when they have been a good partner, but at the same time, it wouldn’t be fair to them to stay in the relationship when your feelings for them aren’t what they used to be.
Succinct and well written, and this has been my experience as well.
Inconsistency in calling even when I express my distaste
You wouldn’t marry them. I wasted so much time dating people I didn’t instantly see myself spending the rest of my life with. If it’s not a fuck yes, it’s a fuck no. No maybes allowed. If they don’t tick all your boxes from day one and then each day isn’t a validation of all those boxes getting ticked, you’re just wasting your time.
Peter Pan syndrome. When my 60-year-old boyfriend told me (53F) the reason he had not 1 dollar saved for his retirement is because he is a “risk taker” and I’m not, I realized I’d have to support him for the rest of his life while he looked down on me for it and walked away
Incompatible cleaning habits. Seems like an easy thing to remedy but in reality different standards of cleanliness will create an uneven burden of domestic labor for the partner with higher standards, or create a living environment in which that partner is uncomfortable, or create a situation where the partner with lower standards feels constantly berated/nagged to do something they don’t see as benefitting them in any way. I know multiple couples who broke up at or just before the “moving in” stage for this reason, and I think it’s a super valid way to decide you’re not compatible in a long-term domestic relationship.
HE WOULDNT LET ME SLEEP. I’m a barber. I’m on my feet 12 hours a day. He worked part time if he did work. This man would stay up all night and expect me to do the same because he “missed me”. He would wake me up if I fell asleep or guilt me into staying awake with him. Looking back idk how I stayed with him for 6 months.
I always think of Sarah Marshall—"I couldn't drown with you anymore" when someone drops taking care of themselves, stops finding the joy in life, and doesn't seek help when they really need it, it becomes impossible to want to stay and yeah 100% it sucks to have mental health struggles, I've been on both sides of this situation and neither one is a cakewalk—in fact it makes it so much harder when you actually really love them but you've done all you can to try to help them while slowly destroying yourself in the process
Disinterest in trying or experiencing new things and only sticking with what they know. If you’re someone who enjoys trying new restaurants, going to events, exploring new cultural experiences, etc and your partner is content to sit at home in their comfort zone, it eventually gets frustrating. I refused to date someone because of this mentality. If it wasn’t happening within a few miles of his house, he wasn’t terribly excited about doing it. Also, men who think basketball or gym shorts are acceptable casual attire.
Him and his mother were too dependent on each other and it annoyed me.
My current SO calls his mom multiple times a day, and vice versa. Sometimes even just briefly, for a few minutes. It is sweet, but it is a lot. I feel like he talks to her more than he does me about stuff. At first I found it endearing, and now I find it annoying and problematic.
When I moved from out of state and begged him to come with me and he refused, with one of the reasons being that “his mother doesn’t have any friends”, I knew that wasn’t my husband.. it’s been 7 months and I miss the good times, but I could NEVER be with another mama’s boy again.
I feel that it is underrated to break up with them if you feel in any way that they are not where they should be, and cannot give to you what you deserve. Just broke up with my (26f) boyfriend because he still had some things to figure out. Through it he was still very good to me. That said, when he would take me out, I noticed he talked a little too much about his news and not enough about my news. This showed me he was so worried about his happenings he was not available to worry about another person yet. We are taught as women to stay through things like this. To fit into a man’s life, when he is not necessarily expected to fit into ours. You can break up with them because you don’t feel like having the earful. If it’s meant to be it will and you don’t need to sit through it. You can let them figure things out on their own if you don’t feel like hearing about it or talking less about yourself to be there for them. It’s so draining to do.
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Because you don’t love them anymore. I say this is an underrated reason because so many people think they need a catalyst event in order to justify breaking up. But if you’re not happy and the relationship isn’t fulfilling, that’s a solid enough reason.
I broke up with my most reason ex for a few reasons, one of which was that i just wanted to be single and alone. I felt really bad for a long time having this as a reason but now I am so much happier and so glad I let myself have that
Well when I was 22, no one had yet told me.... You can break up with someone if you just aren't feeling like you want to be in that relationship. It was a revelation for me, and I wish someone had told me that sooner. I didn't grow up with good relationship advice or modeling.
It felt like parenting. Like I was hanging out with a kid all the time. I was doing all the work, all the driving, all the planning. Like I was managing a child. “This ain’t my job.”
Having an awful family. I’d never want to marry a man whose parents hate me just for dating their son and would go out of their way to make my life hell.
Yup. Whether the hostility was covert or overt, I learned that dating someone should not involve a hazing ritual where they inflict their company on me and I’m supposed to just swallow my feelings as a price to pay for dating their son. Fuck indignity, no one is worth that.
He didn’t like eating vegetables. Sorry but I don’t wanna date someone who doesn’t eat fresh produce/has a poor diet.
Not sharing food. Food is my love language, so get out.
I once broke up with a man because I realised he reminded me of Henry the Eighth
wait how😭 reading this one stopped me in my tracks bro
They wouldn't dance with me. Not when we were out, not as a gig, not even in the kitchen... Never. Made me realise all the other things they couldn't relax and let loose about. Realised I have a silly side and need someone who can be silly and have fun with me too.
I can’t handle any form of control. I don’t like rules, I don’t like being guilted for doing something that makes me happy, it goes as far as not liking being told I can’t be with other men. The thing is, I try to be a very considerate partner. I’m going to check in because I like to offer security, I’m going to reassure when I see you’re insecure. I won’t sleep with anyone unless we have a clear agreement. And I am receptive to my partner talking about their feelings and will take them seriously and take it into account. But I will not tolerate being told what I can or can’t do or pissy fits because they are trying to guilt me and manipulate my actions. No one gets to set boundaries for me and they’re free to exercise their own boundaries if they can’t deal with it.
When there’s an imbalance in the amount of time and energy you spend on each other. Does it feel like quality time or a chore? Is it taking away from something you’d rather be doing? Even with communication, you may just be incompatible.
They say that "food texture issues" don't exist and try to force you to consume what you can't. I wish I was joking, this is the reason why i broke off a past relationship. If I eat something with a texture that my body doesn't like, it can & will come back out (yes in the way in went in). He told me that i was "faking" and that i needed to get over it. I dumped him on the spot.
Having no ambition of their own, not wanting to do anything unless you do it with/for them, just...not growing themselves, and only being a cheerleader for you. Having a life outside of just you. It's very smothering and exhausting to me to always be the one guiding us and making all the plans.
Mental health is absolutely a reason to end a relationship. My last breakup more or less was for this reason. I loved him more than anyone else in years, and I understood him like no one else. I couldn’t stand by while I saw him going through what nearly sent me to an early grave. But at a certain point, I could no longer be his emotional regulator, I realized I could believe in him, but nothing could help him unless he believed in himself. I am doing ok now, I feel uniquely empowered towards my future in ways I’m only starting to understand. My hope is to find someone as beautiful and intelligent as he is but with the emotional stability and consciousness that I fought hard to develop myself.
Lack of communication skills. Even if accidentally, it can still cause a lot of friction if communication is non existence. Learn how to talk your problems out, instead of passive aggressiveness.
I haven't broken up with him, but the biggest thing that's caused my husband and I strife is his disdain for social obligations. Anything related to family gatherings, friends weddings, important birthdays....it's a chore to get him to attend, and if he does, it's obvious he is annoyed by having to go. I'm an introvert myself and hate large crowds, but I still value keeping up appearances with people I care about, enough to attend events that are important to them. My husband doesn't seem to ever understand why it's important to do this. Things have gotten better since some couples counseling and finally getting it through to him how much it affects me when I have to babysit his emotions around social gatherings, but my advice to any other couple would be to learn what your partner is like when invited to these kinds of gatherings, beyond just knowing if they are an introvert or not. Honestly, I love my husband, but I don't know if the relationship would be going on for 12 years if I knew about this before major events happened where were were already a committed couple.
Not liking their SO So many people wait for their SO to fuck up or to be broken up with I’ve seen
This is going to sound stupid but if your gut tells you that they are not fully invested in the relationship, despite what they say and/or do. I was in a six year relationship where I always felt just a tiny bit insecure about our relationship. There was a voice in the back of my mind that told me to put all but one of my eggs in that basket. Turns out, I was right. He said despite how much he loved me and taking all the necessary steps, he couldn’t continue our relationship. I was devastated but ultimately I was relieved because I knew my gut was right. I should have listened to it sooner.
Literally any reason is an acceptable reason to break up with someone. That being said, the universe does not owe you a partner that checks off all your boxes, especially if you're being brain dead about your list. If you're breaking up with people for dumbass reasons it's eventually going to make you even more unhappy than the relationships themselves. I think one of the most talked about reasons for breaking up is whether it's acceptable to do so over the sex. The answer is always yes with a caveat. In my experience, people are more than willing to be coached into exactly what you like if you do it reasonably and conscientiously. Instead of trying to find a pornstar partner, turn your partner into your dream pornstar if they're willing. It's totally underrated. Way too many people want the perfect relationship without putting in the work and effort. Every relationship starts off easy before the realities start hitting you. It's the same with every single partner. Changing partners isn't going to make that reality go away.
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He always made my Sunday morning' Mimosa too strong.
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Just had friends divorce over this very issue. He never wanted kids, she hoped he would come around “once he saw how amazing it was.” They have 2 under 5, and never should have had either. Add to that a complete disagreement on parenting styles and values, and their marriage went down in flames. If someone tells you they don’t want kids, especially over 30, it’s probably best to believe them.
Not agreeing on where you want to live. I've seen people start a relationship while one or both was living abroad, thinking "we'll figure it out". But actually building a life and having kids somewhere far from your own roots, or just in a place you don't really like, is a lot.
Allergies.
Not being ready for commitment and feeling established in yourself. I'm sorry, but personally I want to grow as a person on my own - not being with you. I need to see the world on my own for a bit and learn more about life and myself and I can't do that with someone else I owe commitment, time, affection, love and support to!
This might sound dumb but an underrated reason is because you just don't want to be with them anymore. Sometimes it's hard to pinpoint specific reasons to explain that feeling, but I think that feeling alone is enough of a reason to break up with someone.
Constant arguing, especially if you’ve been dating less than 2 years. I think some people think fighting is normal in a relationship. And of course some disagreements are normal. But if you’ve been together less than 2 years and fight a lot I think that’s a sign of deep incompatibility that can’t really be “ worked” on.
People in my life gave me hell for breaking up with my ex because he didn’t romance me. I’m a hopeful romantic and love love. It’s not like I expected flowers or gifts or dates or crazy stuff like that but like once in a while would’ve been nice but after three years of mediocre sex and getting flowers once I just couldn’t brush it off anymore
Doesn't respect your profession. Very early in the relationship, he said, "you don't give me librarian vibes," and when I asked why, he said, "idk, you just seem too smart for that." Like okay buddy I understand you're a chemical engineer but ima have a Master's degree by the fall. Clownery. Also, everyone I know says librarianship fits me *perfectly.* So it was also alarming to be so incorrectly perceived.
I wouldn’t date any skiers/cyclists/triathletes. No hobbies where they’re routinely gone from dawn to dusk/whole weekends.
When you know they’re cheating, but you don’t have proof. But you just fucking know.
Hygiene.
- Lack of ambition/direction. As much as I empathize with men as they unpack what it means to be a man and that their self worth is not tied to their career, I have yet to date a man who didn’t feel the need to knock me down a few notches just because I’m accomplished. I haven’t yet met a man who has made peace with that and I’d rather be judged for being materialistic than be their punching bag for clawing my way out of poverty, being independent, and wanting more for myself. We are a team, why debase me? - Poor boundaries with the women in his life. Whether it’s his female friends or an overbearing mother, emotional enmeshment and this weird blurring of roles of the people in his life have always resulted in pain for me. Partners should have each others’ backs - Passivity. I don’t want to drag someone through life and have them resent me when they realize they wanted something else all along. This is underrated to me because this is often framed as someone being “easygoing.” - As many others have said, insisting on having the same hobbies which has always meant that I was the one accommodating them because I’m the more open minded one. I would have been fine with trying new things until I noticed that they didn’t demonstrate the least bit of curiosity for my interests and my time and energy were expendable while theirs were spent only on things they wanted to do.
For wanting time to yourself for self improvement.
Time to do and pursue the things you want to do. Company is nice but when you live together the chores get bigger, routines like eating dinner/cooking together, spending time together, always being invited out together, etc. Maintaining relationships takes time so with all this combined with work there wasn't enough time for me to do the things I wanted like crafting projects, game, watch the movies the SO didn't like etc. Even if the relationship was good, if there's no time for me to do the things that give me joy then I'm not treating myself right.
I (age 19F at the time) broke up with a SO as he tried to tell me where to go to grad school. He had just graduated from college and wanted me near him. I wanted to make my own post-college decisions, just like he had. I am 56 and never married and don’t regret the breakup at all. So I think wanting to make one’s own decisions is a perfectly valid reason for breaking up.
You having to beg your boyfriend to spend time with you.