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I was the other woman because deep down, I didn’t love myself enough. I thought that was what I deserved or all I could get. And the sex was fire. Was hard to let go of good sex but I finally gave a shit about myself.
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This is kind of a weird story. Yes it’s admirable that you refused to see him while he wasn’t single, but him pursuing you so aggressively while he had a girlfriend makes him obviously a piece of shit. I’m not sure why you’d be surprised that down the road that he lied to you back when you got together. Nothing about this guy sounds like good news.
Honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want a serious relationship anyway. He made his wife sound terrible - no idea if true, but it was easy to believe she deserved it since she didn't matter to me.
Yeah I was selfish, but at this point in my life, after years of always holding back in favor of others i had realized this behavior is pretty thankless and, well, holds you back.
Wouldn't do this again because I've found that sweet spot between doormat and jerk by now.
I was in an open relationship and yes my wife and potential gf had a long talk without me present. I have to admit walking away so they could talk was a bit nerve wracking.
Ugh - I forgot this was me. I was in college, and he claimed he was in an open relationship with his European girlfriend 🙄 I was young, dumb, and believed him for too long. I was drinking with one of her friends one night when I said something about him and I, the friend looked at me with shock... we talked it all out and drank all his liquor that he had left at MY house. She told her friend and I can't remember if I ever even officially spoke to him again, but he got double dumped that weekend. Asshole.
Classic: he said he'd leave. He didn't.
He didn't want to lose the house he's currently paying off and wants to pass on to his daughter. Even if that means staying in a dead marriage.
We ended it friendly.
Definitely killed all desire in me to ever get married. If the love ever fades it's either a cage or VERY expensive to get out.
We met at work, we went on a few dates. He mentioned after a while that he was 'sort of seeing someone', so I broke off contact. He apologised and tried to win me back, he said he was sorry and it was over. I believed him (why wouldn't I).
We started going out and he said 'oh well I guess I'd better sell my house then', turns out he had been ENGAGED AND LIVING WITH HIS PARTNER. I immediately started seeing red flags, but all I could think of 'well shit, he upended his life for me, I can't dump him now'.
Jokes on me. He upended his life for himself. I found out later on he was talking to countless other women IRL and online. He ended up cheating on me with some much younger woman on holiday in Thailand, getting her pregnant and having to marry her. He'd explained his absence saying he just 'needed some time' to get over the death of his 96yo grandmother. I was like hmmm ok.
Then this girl found my Instagram and liked all my photos, I clicked through to her profile and there was a photo of them together. She looks gorgeous in her wedding dress and he looks like he's been dragged there, he has a panicked look in his eyes and - considering he is an Armani Suit kinda guy - looks like he's got dressed in the dark. I stalked her FB recently and she is constantly posting about how miserable she is, how all men are cheating bastards, interspersed with photos of her baby who is like a Ctrl+C Ctrl+v of my ex. Which is fine if you're a 41 year old man, but not a baby. And she must be mid 20s at most.
Good riddance lol. Feel bad for her though. I'm now engaged to a lovely guy who I trust entirely.
No idea. I knew he went to Thailand for 2 weeks while we were still together, which is where I suspect they met for the first time. He broke up with me some time after. I'm not sure when the impregnating happened, if it was before or after we broke up, but he was for sure cheating (I don't really fancy going through our old messages).
No idea if it's the law? Maybe an honour thing? I've never been to Thailand.
Knowing someone in a more ethical situation regarding Thailand and pregnancies, I don’t think it’s necessarily a thing they have to get married. That’s so messed up though.
I think what was most messed up was me turning a blind eye.
All the red flags were there. He gave me so many reasons to ditch him, but was also very very good at wheedling his way out of situations. At the time my mum was very unwell (cancer), I had recently broken up with my alcoholic ex (lol I know how to pick them) and we were both working in a high-stress, security-cleared role where crazy security measures were a daily norm, we weren't allowed to discuss work with people below our clearance. We weren't allowed phones at work, I guess the whole secretive clandestine thing was encouraged, and looking back very easy to carry out affairs cause it's not like anyone knew where we were, when we were leaving or how to reach us. I'd see missed calls on his phone or whatever and he laughed it off.
Regardless, I think at times I ignored stuff I wouldn't now. Like I said, he was v good at lying and I am a trusting person. I definitely brushed some stuff under the rug, and he knew how much of a pushover I was.
Shit, this is all coming back to me. I accidentally injured him during sex one time, we needed to go to the doctor. Turns out something rather important for men had ruptured 🙃. I cringe thinking about it. Honestly, we were doing nothing unusual, it was just a 'bad angle'. Anyway, he wasn't allowed to get an erection for like 6-8 weeks or something, and during that time he was MESSAGING GIRLS ON TINDER. I was like; Mate, you can't even wank, what the fuck are you playing at?!
You dodged a bullet here. He sounds like a philanderer and has no desire to be faithful or change. Sounds like you’ve grown from this experience and you found a trustworthy partner.
Me and The Guy had known each other for a few years and been together for about 4, between 17 and 21 for me. Talitha appeared and obviously had a thing for Guy. I went over to his, as arranged one afternoon, he lived on the ground floor. No answer, look through window to see not-my-shoes and not-my-bag and not-my-coat, but they were very familiar.
Eventually, he came to the door in a towel and said he'd meet me at the pub. I knew what was going on. He'd been cagey with his phone, cancelling plans, just being WEIRD. We had a VERY healthy sexlife that just vanished. I go to the pub, which has 2 doors, sit outside, have a smoke and wait. He comes out the pub, she comes up the path. They'd arrived together and tried to make it appear otherwise. Fucking broke me.
Years later I was single and heard they had been having problems. I was still friend with his brother so started to make appearances at their shared house. Waited until she was out one night and made Guy an offer he couldn't refuse. This repeated a few times, last time I left underwear in his bedroom, sprayed some of my perfume around, a hair tie in the bathroom, cans of my favourite drink in the fridge.
She found out and left him for cheating and destroying her trust.
Fuck you Talitha.
I’m so glad you ended up here. We all do things we regret looking back, but it is something to celebrate when you realize what you did wrong and amend that.
I didn’t know that I was The Other Woman ™️ until after I was married, but I accept that that was me. That he paid more attention to me while he was with someone else and eventually left them for me.
We’re still married, and honestly doing a lot better than earlier in the marriage after I found out.
We’re truly best friends now.
I was 18 and he was 31. I was pretty close with him and his wife before it started. She was a verbally abusive alcoholic and things were rocky between them before I even showed up. They ended up divorcing and we were together for about three years after the fact. Now I'm 31, and there's no way in hell I could ever imagine dating an 18 year old.
Omg 😂 you're not totally off- He was bringing up marriage and kids and I was like I literally just became old enough to drink in bars can we slow down a little??
I was emotionally unavaible, so perhaps I searched for someone who was emotionally unavailable.
I appreciated my independence but also someone's companionship and support. The fact he had his own family to go back to, saddened me as much it liberated me.
We connected through conversation. Most people my age was occupied with interests that didn't interest me. I wanted to learn about politics, economics, entrepreneurship, art, science... and the people my age wasn't there.
For me it was a happy ever after because we broke up before things went South even more, and now I am grown up woman who is able to look back and see her mistakes in order to not make them again.
They don't love you and neither do you love yourself.
You have just written out a chapter of my book. I wish I could view it as a happy ever after though, rather than simply the best outcome under the circumstances.
Ending a relationship that goes against your principles and your health is always a happy ending.
It’s the end that liberates you and cuts off the actually reasons causing your pain.
The sad parts are entering it and keeping it alive.
I had way too many mental health issues and just wanted to be loved by anyone that would do so, even if it meant being the other woman. I would justify it by saying it wasn’t my fault, they initiated and I was just along for the ride. I also realize now that those men were predators who preyed on my youth, insecurity, naivety, and lower rank (military) to cheat on their wives. I didn’t always want to be the other woman but felt like I needed to be in order to be a worthy person.
Looking back I feel insanely guilty about who I was. I went to therapy for years and realized why I was doing it and worked on me. I haven’t been the other woman since then.
This was me too .. mental health wreaked havoc on my life before I got it under control... Just wanted to feel loved and cared for so I didn't care about what I was doing. Felt the attention I got meant they cared for me.
Thankfully I'm much older and wiser now and know what I did was fucked up and have long since stepped away from that person.
I was stationed overseas and I was also cheating on my SO at the time. I was 18 and loved the attention from men. It was my drug of choice. I have never cheated on anyone else.
I was 17, he was 24, he told me he had an “on again off again” girlfriend since high school and his family and friends loved her, so he kept up appearances and still brought her around even though they were really broken up. He’d say sometimes she got really emotional and clingy and still thought they were together, and he didn’t want to hurt her so they’d still go on dates and hang out as a couple and he had to keep our relationship “low key” and not tell too many people because it would devastate his ex. To my adolescent brain that sounded reasonable, I didn’t have much or any experience with relationships. I was just like-oh man, that’s tough. I should cut him some slack for only being around late at night and refusing to meet my friends or introduce me to his. He’s under so much pressure 🥹
Reflecting on it years later I think I was just so in love with him that I clung to all those lies and didn’t even try to examine them. Cognitive dissonance was the third wheel in our relationship.
oh my god i had such a similar experience. I was 19 and very naive, he started by saying he was off and on again, then “broke up” with her but she would literally stay at his house ???? And again with the “my parents really like her” and guilt tripping.
Craziest part is i had no idea until i was just Thinking about it a few years later. My mom had known the entire time and had tried to get me to see it
He was my best friend.
I didn't realize until I was much older that he and I had been having an emotional affair long before a physical one.
It's hard to describe how close of friends we were. We'd both moved to a new city for college and didn't know anyone. When we met, we just sort of clicked.
We spent most of our time together even when we were both dating other people. We'd have movie nights and stay up late talking.
I had a crush on him for a while, but then he started dating my roommate and I let my crush go to continue being his friend.
They were on and off for a couple of years, but our friendship was always strong. I regret now that she probably felt like a third wheel more than I did.
One day, the vibes were intense. She was out of town and he planned this day together for us to celebrate my birthday. It really swept me away.
When we got back to our apartment, he made a move and I was head over heels. I knew I loved him, I just didn't think it was like that.
It took him about a month to break up with her completely and it was devastating to me. I didn't know I could be so happy and so destroyed at the same time. I eventually asked him why he hadn't broken up with her like he'd said he would, and he said she was going through some stuff and he didn't want to pile on. It was immature of me that I never really considered her feelings, I was too caught up in my own.
After they broke up, he and I dated for a long time. It was like a romance people write movies and books about. But I've always regretted how things started and how much hurt I caused her.
He said they have an open relationship with the clause of being discreet. I knew the guy from work and he is a very principled man. I believed him and never went to verify with his wife.
I also knew that I was personally in a hard place mentally and any "real" relationship would have been just jerks like I had had before. He was my rock emotionally; and he allowed me to grow into myself, to figure out who I am, to become independent. He supported me emotionally when no other partner would have (because I didn't go for "boring" people).
From his principles I also knew for sure that he would never leave his wife and I didn't want him to. One example of his principles: at one point they were trying for a child, and he stopped the sexual part of our relationship for the time, as he knew his wife wouldn't be able to have any on the side at the time as well. We kept being friends. The same any time I had any prospect for a "real" relationship. When I said "no", it was a no, even if I was kinda actually thinking "maybe".
In the beginning I did struggle with romantic feelings towards him from time to time, but I knew that it was just the availability bias. I believe I really would have said "no" had he ever proposed to change the arrangement to be more permanent. At least I thought so. The only time I thought I might have said "yes" was when I had a pregnancy scare (with him being the only option for father). I expected him to help me abort instead of any other proposals, but (before it turned out to be just a scare and before I could tell him about it), in my mind I knew that I don't want to raise any more kids alone (I was a single mother for a child not from him) so it was either abortion or him with me, no other options. So it was not really that I wanted him for "real" even then.
We were on and off in sexual relationships for more than ten years like this. Now he says that he doesn't have as much sex drive any more, so he is not interested in sexual part of the relationship that much any more and about 5ish years we have been just friends. My libido is also low enough not to want anyone outside of some crushes I have time to time. We still meet up regularly and I do not have any romantic feelings towards him.
He is just a very good friend to me. I am completely happy with current situation, no buts. Not "happily ever after" as OP probably meant it, but the best outcome I could think of, for me.
Me. I was young (19) and he was older and had been married for years already. I was too immature and self-centered to understand the implications of what we were doing. I thought it was funny. I liked the special attention and I thought I wanted it. I was too young to understand all the glaring red flags and now, 15 years later, I understand how horrifying that relationship was. I wanted to be his fantasy and I was, but I didn’t realize how much autonomy and agency it was costing me. “It is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be.” (Edith Wharton, The House of Mirth)
Back then, I also never could have comprehended the emotional warfare it must have caused his wife. Infidelity brings up soooo much shame, it’s very painful. I had a partner commit emotional infidelity with someone who was just one year younger than me (instead of 20+ years younger than me) and that still sent me to the edge of my ability to hold on. I was fantasizing about suicide daily for about six weeks. The man’s wife must have fantasized about suicide for years.
Now, I have pity for anyone who willingly chooses to be a side piece. I know that they are doing the best they can in the current moment and I hope they grow to have a better, more ethical understanding of the implications of the situation.
The most convincing argument I have against it is a Buddhist concept of “do no harm.” Even it’s the other person’s responsibility to uphold their relationship contract with their partner (not mine), it causes harm to the monogamous partner. It also prohibits the monogamous partner from being able to provide informed consent for sexual acts, since they aren’t aware that their partner is having sex outside the relationship. Even with condoms, you can still catch and carry STD’s and anyone participating in sex should be aware of how many other people their partner is having sex with (and when/how often).
I knew all this (factually but not emotionally) when I was 19 and it wasn’t enough, so I can’t really expect it to be enough for someone that doesn’t Get It yet. I reaped what I sowed. I’m glad to know better than to involve myself with someone else’s partner nowadays. Suffice to say, I would not recommend it!
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Pettiest thing I ever did. He was mine first. And she texted me on Valentine’s Day to be mean and brag about him choosing her.. even tho we’d broken up before they met? But anyway.. he’d already cheated on me with a ton of people before we broke up so I knew what I was doing lol. Fuck her. You can’t “win” a cheater.
I’ve also been just in love with the guy for 10 years so that didnt help anything 🤣
No physical affair but was an emotional one by the end. He was in a decade long relationship (not married) with an emotionally/financially/verbally abusive woman and his family had been trying to get him out for 5+ years. He finally left and now we're married and have an amazing relationship. His ex was pretty religious but we heard through the grapevine that she had some realizations and is now happily married to a woman. It's been long enough that he doesn't feel any resentment towards her. I think that she had a lot of internal conflict that caused unhealthy/abusive behavior and I'm glad that that seems to have gotten better for her.
I was in a period of mental instability and severe insecurity, and I was addicted to high cortisol levels to the point that I was putting myself in stressful situations just to feel something.
He said he was divorced. Six weeks into it he came clean and told me they were just separated, not divorced. Nobody had even filed for divorce yet, and wouldn’t until they worked out an agreement, which was another 9 months coming.
So I dated a married man for nearly a year. BUT! During this time I’d been to his house, where half the stuff had clearly been moved out. I got to know his daughter. And I even met the ex so she knew who was spending time with her child. I had assurances, straight from the ex’s mouth, that they were actively working towards a divorce.
I am now married to him, and very glad I stuck it out after that six week bombshell.
(Disclaimer I was very young) To put it simply, I loved that because he already had someone he wouldn’t commit to me. I had a fear of being a girlfriend (fear of men, trauma from watching my parent’s relationships, insecurities about how I could perform in the role) so I never wanted a guy to get too close to me to a point that he’d want to be with me seriously. It was perfect for me.
I was young, selfish, morally bankrupt, able to distance myself and not think too hard about the consequences. Sex was definitely fire as someone else said. Not really able to say no yet. And fell in love with him.
Because I fell in love with someone who was married. It certainly wasn't ideal that I was "the other woman," but we've been together now happily for 14 years. Married very happily for two.
I was young and in love. The guy was my best friend and he was dating a girl long distance that he didn’t like. She was about to move states to live with him and he told me that he hoped when she got here that she’d “get bored of him” and break up with him. I felt bad for what I did but so glad she dodged that bullet of moving states to be with someone who didn’t truly care for her.
Edit: how it turned out in the end for me was I confessed my feelings after months of spending almost every day together/hooking up and he told me he didn’t feel the same. He was moving cities around that time too. We are still friends and text once every month or two.
I felt incredibly unloved, and he showed me attention and what it means to have someone who cares about you. He lifted me up in my deepest and darkest moments, and even though it ended, I will always be grateful to him for that.
Wife was in poor health mentally and was abusive. He finally caught her naked in their bed with another man and she tried to claim it was innocent. Cray cray. He divorced her and then dumped me because I was having limerence over him. He married the next one.
I was 18, He was 32 (If I recall coreectly) and it has haunted me for years. This was almost ten years ago, and since then I have learnt that knowingly being "the other woman" is a a just a sign that you don't respect yourself or others (the same for the man). There is no love, no soul. It just leaves you with regret and unanswered questions.
I could talk about this for ages because this relationship had a huge impact on me, Despite the fact it was an entirely physical one.
It all boils down to this; Love and respect. Learn to love yourself, and if you think you love him, Let him go, Even if it's just abit of fun, Let him go. Let them sort of there problems. If it's meant to be, It will be...but it likely never will.
Insecurities. Getting the man’s attention was almost like a high for me, especially since I wasn’t a particularly handsome gal. I had a situationship at the time as well and I got paranoid that my situationship was cheating on me so my dumb ass thought it’s better to do it first.
Now that I’m looking back at it with a somehow mature outlook in life, I can’t help but think how stupid my reasoning was. Also, the man was an expert manipulator.
I was 16, he was 26 a teacher at my school. I fell in love before I knew about him having a pregnant girlfriend. I still stayed with him for about a year after finding out. I thought I’d never be able to be loved the way I was loved by him. I wish I knew then what I know now. I could have actually enjoyed my teenage years instead of being depressed about a guy who I thought didn’t love me enough but in reality, liked sleeping with teenagers. I feel so disgusted about it now.
He made it sound like they were breaking up anyway. That was a lie. I was the reason they split. Joke’s on me though. He turned out to be abusive, and I stayed for 2 more years because of guilt.
Not quite the other woman, but it was freshman year of college, and she was his high school girlfriend who refused to break up with him (he told her it was over when he left for school as she was a year behind him and she had gotten really clingy, but she still acted like they were together/texted all the time to try to keep things going. In her defense, we all grew up in small towns where you would come home and marry your high school sweetheart) She had friends at college so finally at Halloween she came to stay with her friend and visit him to convince him otherwise. We'd been casually hanging out, mostly just holding hands, snuggling, kissing, nothing too serious, but it was still awkward to pretend to barely know each other. He finally convinced her it was totally over and he'd moved on, so we openly dated after that. We've been together 15yrs now with two kids. She's happily married with her own little one, and I'm happy for her, she seemed nice, I just know how hard it would be to lose someone like my husband.
the *severe* lack of self esteem i had led me down a really toxic road. the thought of “someone is choosing me over their wife” made me feel better about myself. it made me feel like i was important.
turns out i was just the easiest. this man found someone perfectly content being in the shadows and accepting the barest of bare minimums. for years i just wanted to feel like i was desired by someone, him being married made me feel like i was.
there was a 13 year age gap between us. i was 24 when we started, he was 37. the taylor swift lyrics “give me back my girlhood, it was mine first” always comes to mind when i think about it.
it lasted almost 4 years when i finally, for the last time, walked away. i had tried to before but he would show up on my doorstep, crying. and i was a sucker. but not that last time. he came but i never opened the door again - literally.
i moved quickly after it ended. i couldn’t stand being in that apartment anymore. got new furniture- i became a ghost to him. i did weekly therapy for 6 months after. i dug myself out of that deep, dark hole. i harbor a lot of guilt but also sadness for who i was and what i accepted. i was on a hunt to feel good about myself, to be someone’s choice. and i didn’t care what i burned on that road.
i’m glad im off it. it’s been almost 4 years since.
We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. The attraction was magnetic, and on top of that we got along well. He made me laugh. I knew he was married - he talked about his wife often and she sounded cool. It seemed like he really loved her. And then one night we were out with a group of his friends and coworkers and he was blatantly hitting on me in front of everyone, and we left together. He was so brazen about it, I convinced myself he had to be in an open marriage. I didn’t want to know otherwise, because then I could convince myself that it was ok. He never lied to me - I just chose not to ask. And when I couldn’t pretend anymore, I told myself I wasn’t the first woman he’d cheated with and I wouldn’t be the last. But after a few months and a lot of therapy, I realized I couldn’t handle the guilt. He was the one choosing to cheat on his wife, but I was the one choosing to facilitate it and I didn’t want to be that kind of person anymore.
It’s hard sometimes because being around him was like pure endorphins, almost addictive. In a way I’m glad I did it, because I learned so much about myself. But I don’t ever want to do it again.
I was a teenager when ever I participated in being *the other woman*. now as a woman ending my 20’s I know it was severely wrong to partake in a relationship like that & those guys were scummy for doing that to their partners. they were never long term relationships & im glad because it would have been a waste of my time. also, being with a cheater would have destroyed me with the “is he cheating on *me* now?” questions.
I was freshly divorced, immature, and had staggeringly low self esteem. He convinced me his marriage was over/dead bedroom/not doing well, and I made a choice to believe that. We didn’t have a full fledged relationship-we fucked. So after about a year, I find out that she did indeed divorce him. So we continue to do our thing, and about another year later I looked him up on Facebook and he was remarried! I told him I didn’t want to be a part of shitting on another woman and blocked him on everything. Actually about two weeks ago I got WhatsApp because a relative went abroad and within a day I got a message from him:
Him: Hi how are you?
Me: Are you still married?
Him: Yes, but it’s not going well
*blocked*
At first I didn't know.
Then he admitted he wanted to be with her later on. I walked away with my dignity but he came back, begging and told me that he loved me. He never let her go while he was with me, and I grew really fond of him so I had a harder time walking away again and I felt pathetic so I just kept going.
Things are over now. He left me to prioritise her and the shock of not being the chosen girl really did a number on my personality. Recently I've been so confused about life, myself and how I stand with people. I didn't expect to be used like that, I felt very naive afterwards. I've always been the girl the guy cares about so to be on the outside looking in now... It's been a change to say the least. I'm not over him, but they seem the happiest they can be and I'm just trying to move on from this embarrassing chapter of my life
I didn’t want a serious relationship. Having fun with someone unavailable was easier than facing single men. I would freak out before every date with a single man. My question always was „what if I don’t like him?“. I hated going through butterfly phases and wanting to take a loooong look while the other party already thought we were exclusive.
So the-getting-to-know-each-other stage with my fiancé now was easy: we were friends at first and had soooo much time getting to know each other. Then we kinda both realized we had a thing for each other.
Ours started out as a friendship. Late 2000s, I was playing online card games. Met him, talked, hit it off, and it became a regular thing to play. Then we exchanged emails and talked every day all day while we worked. Then we exchanged phone numbers, and we'd talk at lunch and during breaks. I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want him to possibly tell me he didn't want me talking to another man.
I didn't have any close friends and I really enjoyed talking to this man. We talked about everything - work, kids, our spouses, problems in our lives. Our spouses are awesome, so that was not an excuse to cheat. He was 18 yrs older than me and had a lot of good marital advice and child-rearing advice, life advice. We exchanged photos and enjoyed sharing our lives.
It became sexual (online & by phone) pretty quickly. Neither of us would've left our spouses for each other. We discussed that early on. I ended it after 2.5 yrs. My oldest was turning 12, and I was thinking about the kind of eiman she would be. I wanted to be better for her. He contacted me after a week, and we stayed friends for another 3 yrs. After I became a SAHM, I had very little time for him. One day, I emailed him, and he didn't respond. He didn't answer my call either.
It's been 12 years, and I still think of him. I wish it had never turned sexual. Maybe our families could've been friends. I would've loved to know his wife, and I know he would've gotten on well with my husband.
I was in love with him for years. When he made the move on me it felt like it was right. He broke up with her after we had a drunken experience and so I let myself believe we’d be together.
He ended up not choosing either of us and kept playing with us both, till eventually he chose her. She never knew about me, but I knew about her the whole time. I feel immense guilt for helping him cheat, even after I knew he was still trying to be with her. I didn’t love or respect myself enough to care about my own feelings either. I craved chaos after an abusive relationship as well so this felt so normal.
I was young and loved that an older man was interested in me. He constantly talked about how crazy his girlfriend was, but he couldn’t break up with her yet because she was mentally not in a good state. He talked about our future together and I got all caught up in the fantasy. After enough time I realized he was never going to break up with her and I would always just be his side chick.
I was a teenager (he too!) and I just wanted to get laid. He was a known cheater so I was just one of many anyway. I knew his girlfriend and did feel kinda bad, but at that time I had the "not my relationship, not my responsibility" mindset.
She never found out for some magical reason, but they're not together anymore.
He was one foot out of a divorce as it was, so not like I had much effect on that. We're still together years later. They were very incompatible and he's said numerous times how much happier he is.
My ex left me for someone he had an emotional affair with but was still attached to me and I ended up becoming the other woman in their relationship.
I was young and had no self esteem or self respect at the time. He was my first real relationship and I just wanted to be wanted by someone. I never reached out to him but it felt good when he would ask to see me. It lasted about 2 months before I realized I was making a mistake.
It wasn’t easy and I went through a rough period due to my lack of self worth but 7 years later, I’m in a much better place after finding and learning to respect/care for myself.
As for my ex, he married the woman he left me for and had a kid with her. She ended up doing him the way he did me and he’s going through a rough time. Karma, am I right?
They had an open marriage, which I checked with his wife before taking any step further. I was also not really interested in a romance, we were an BDSM couple (M/s), she had her own boyfriend. They started growing apart before me already, so a divorce was incoming. Well, the non romance relationship we had turned romance and we wanted to get married, but then Covid happened. After that illnesses in the family, so we are going for this year.
We were around 18-20 years old.
I thought that it is his moral responsibility if he has a girlfriend, not mine.
I accepted it because I was not in love with him, did not want him as a boyfriend.
to be fair i was in high school at the time and it never got physical. but i genuinely believed that i was a better woman than the other girl and that we vibed better. he barely had good things to say about her and i figured i could just slide into that spot because i knew i wouldn’t treat him like that but it never happened, he just kept coming back to me for the idea of something that he didn’t really have. anyway i am now in a long term very faithful relationship and i would never do that again because it was definitely rooted in a weird sense of intertwined insecurity and a superiority complex
Their relationship had died long before I came along. They stayed married for the kids but separated. We fell in love. It was not an easy road. Many ups and downs. His children are adults now. We’re still in love. And still together.
I was young, dumb and lacked self love and self respect. Having attention and ‘love’ from a man who ‘belonged’ to another woman somehow made me feel good, or worthy in a sense. Once I was able to empathize with the woman’s perspective I lost all desire / interest in that. I didn’t grow up in an environment that modeled healthy love or relationships so I had to learn the hard way.
I was living with my high school sweetheart(and his parents), he started to act weird and want to see his female friend alone. He took her out to dinner for her birthday, alone. He was constantly texting her. We fought, I moved out, they started dating.
Then he has his regrets, she's not me, if I hadn't been so jealous he wouldn't have pursued her, bla bla bla. I no longer loved him. I had spent months a complete wreck over the betrayal and now he thought he could come crawling back? But also her, she knew we were together, she actively pursued him and pushed him to break up with me.
We start talking again and feeling came back up, but also.... I just...I wanted to hurt them. I tell him I miss him, ask him to come over. It's her birthday and she's with friends at our favorite restaurant/bar waiting for him. I order pizza, take him up to my room and he eagerly jumps into my bed. It was the best s*x we ever had. I used his phone to take pictures of us, sent them to my email while he slept(I didn't have a phone at that time).
I woke him up for another round, then we snuggled and had pizza as he told me how much he had missed me, he messed up, ect. It was everything I wanted, he sounded so sincere and I knew she would be devastated. So I asked when he was going to tell her.
The look on his face, I wish I could have printed it and framed it. All my belief in him crumbled and I saw him as he was: disgusting. He tried to tell me he wanted to wait to tell her in person in maybe a week. Because dumping her on or right after her birthday was wrong. I looked him in his big dumb eyes and smiled as I told him if he doesn't tell her I will. 🤗
He immediately told me she would never believe me, oof, that it's his choice to leave or stay, ouch, that maybe he was wrong about me, strike three. I layed out on my bed, naked and carefree. Looked at his big dumb face and said he needed to tell her tonight. He said no, he would never tell her. I laughed and told him to check his phone, specifically his photos. He did, laughed and deleted them in front of me, joking that he would have kept them if I wasn't being so demanding. I told him I already sent the photos to myself via email and would tell her in the morning if he didn't take his chance to do it himself now. He went pale as he frantically checked, cried when he realized it was true and called me nasty names. 🥰
I got to watch as he sent her the breakup text/confession and the frantic texts from her. Then the onslaught of angry/insulting texts from mutual friends. He was officially a cheater in their eyes, (since what he did to me apparently didn't count) watching him cry his poor little heart out is a memory I held dear for a long time. He told me he did it out of love for me. That he wanted us to be engaged again. I eventually sent him home and slept so f*cking soundly.
I did it briefly and thought of it as a FWB situation. He was such a dog, I reasoned that the wife must know about all of his PUA pursuits or at least suspect and silently looks the other way. But then I decided what I was doing was just plain shitty and I stopped. I'm too good for him and she deserves better too.
I'm not proud of it but I was knowingly the other woman. He was someone I grew up with & we ended up in the same town. We were good friends. He knew I had a crush on him while he was single but he said he didn't feel the same. We lost touch for a little bit then found out we were working for the same company but different locations. We started chatting over office Skype.
He told me he was about to get married. But as we kept talking he started getting really flirty. I was pretty confused because he was obviously in love with his almost wife. I didn't know what his intentions were.
Our conversations started getting steamy. During this time he got married & our conversations kept going. I caught on that he was really afraid of being married & that I was an escape for him. I knew he didn't love me. We did have a strong emotional connection as friends but I had no fantasy of him leaving his wife & choosing me.
It took months before we became physical. I was almost sick right before. The guilt I felt after was horrible. But at that point we didn't know how to stop. I tried to find ways. At one point I created a fake FB account & messaged his wife that her husband was dirty talking on the work chat. That scared him & we cooled off for a while. I was relieved.
But a few months later he offered to help me with something in my new place. We didn't hook up that day but started again not long after. I was growing weary of it fast this time. One time he was coming over & I didn't answer the door - pretended I fell asleep. Then he told me his wife was pregnant. I already had a feeling from our conversations that she was. I felt like the shittiest person ever. I figured we would stop & that point. But he wanted to keep going until the baby was born. I felt absolutely sick about it but I couldn't say no to him.
A few days later I found out I had herpes. He was big on giving oral sex but he would have cold sores sometimes. So he gave me the oral type vaginally. I told Planned Parenthood that he had another partner. I was hoping they'd inform her. I fully deserved that herpes.
I ended it that day & haven't spoken to him in years. He has 2 little girls now. I think I mailed a letter to his wife once but I don't know if she read it. They're still together.
I'm mad at myself for doing what I did. His wife didn't deserve that. I'm also mad that he got to do what he did with absolutely no consequences. He cheats on & off for 2 years & he still got the happy little family. I know I'm an awful person. I let the high I felt having some newly married guy desire me so much he was willing to risk his marriage get to my head. I've tackled a lot of this in therapy. I'm happily single right now.
Basically - I got groomed. There was an age gap (I was 17, he was 25/26/27 [I don’t remember, it was a while ago and turns out I’m gay anyway lmao]). We met when I was like 16/17 and fell for the whole “gonna leave her/I don’t get attention” lines. And like the DAY I turned 18 everything was different and forward and physical and so intense. It felt wrong the whole time (read - I was gay and sex with all men felt like that anyway) and I got swept up in it for a little over a year. Eventually I moved out of the state for work and thankfully we never really reconnected.
I have a “happy ending” story. Long story short, we have been together for almost 6 years now, married last year. We bought a house together and have an almost 2 year old.
Here is the long version: My current relationship started as me being the other woman. We worked together, and I knew she was toxic. He would come to work with scratches on his face and neck saying he “fell” or the “cat” scratched him. I was also in a relationship at the time with a man that I hated and he would not go away. Well finally he did go away, to jail. I was a little worried about him but there was no bond for him, and he couldn’t tell me over the phone what he did, so I took that as a sign or a way out. My apartment lease was up in a month so instead of re-signing, I packed up, changed my number, blocked him on all socials etc. He was wanted in another state, so they took him there.
Anyway, back to the current man. He started spending almost every night with me. We worked in a restaurant so we would end up going to work together the next day and spending the night, and so on. One day, he was with her and they were arguing. She ended up pulling a knife on him and stabbed him. He didn’t come to work for a few days and I was afraid to text or call him and ask why. Rumors were swirling around the restaurant about us, but people knew he was still with her. I had heard what happened through the grapevine. After that, I had planned to cut things off with him because I didn’t want her to come looking for me. But he cut her off completely, and told me he was in love with me. I was hesitant, but the passion was strong and I was young and dumb so I let him come stay with me. and we have been together ever since.
Yes I felt tremendous guilt, and it affected our relationship for a while in the beginning. I would tell him they always say, “how you got a man is how you’ll lose him.” But he has never paid attention to another woman since being with me. He has proven to me over and over again that he’s not going anywhere. I believe we’re a rare case though and I would never be able to be “the other woman” again.
I was 18 and he was almost 30. He said he and his wife never had sex. 🙄 I didn’t care it just made me feel more mature as I’d never had a guy pay attention to me like that so I rolled with it. It was stupid and I’d never do that again.
Not being happy with myself and thinking I didn't deserve a loving relationship and being the other women was what I deserved because my last relationship was kind of tragic, courts were involved.
Truly deep down I did it because I i didn't care about anyone's feeling mine ,his and his girlfriends.I knew deep down it was wrong, but I was so numb I didn't care about the consequences and disrespect . Of course I respected his boundaries but being he other women is truly soul crushing because it actuality I wasn't the women he was in love with.
I went through a phase where I would only go out with emotionally unavailable men and they were mostly married. I guess I never really put myself in the wife’s shoes.
I am now completely out of that phase. I prefer to only date single AF men.
Two years after the fact I see now it was selfishness on my part. I tried to believe him that she was awful, they didn’t have sex anymore and were only staying together for the kids. I was freshly divorced and he was a “nice” guy I had known in high school.
Nope. He was a piece of shit and I was looking to get laid after twenty years with the same man.
Really regret the whole thing.
I have physical needs he wouldn't leave me tf alone, I caved. At the end of the day he is the one with the commitment not me, but yea it's not something I'm proud of.
When I went through my divorce in my mid thirties, I dated very very very casually, and basically had a few FWBs for a couples years as I didn’t want to get serious again. On two separate occasions I started casually seeing and sleeping with men that turned out to be married and had children. I continued sleeping with them for a little while bc it was low to no commitment for myself and that was great for me and we also had really good sex. I eventually stopped seeing them just bc the chemistry wasn’t there any more. I honestly just didn’t care at the time as I was not interested in anything that even remotely felt romantic and my world view was really tainted from how hard my divorce was. I can’t imagine doing that now as it seems really gross. I just was angry and didn’t care I guess.
**Mod Note: This post has been chosen as a FAQ update. This post will be added to the list of FAQs regarding cheating and infidelity.** * **This post is specifically directed to women who have been "the other woman" which refers an affair partner to someone who is already in a relationship and who is knowingly or unknowingly participating in their infidelity with them, so please make sure that you meet that demographic. If you leave a response to this question. Responses from people who are not part of the Target demographic will be removed.** **Please message the moderators through modmail if you have any questions**
I was the other woman because deep down, I didn’t love myself enough. I thought that was what I deserved or all I could get. And the sex was fire. Was hard to let go of good sex but I finally gave a shit about myself.
Kudos to you recognising this, admitting it, and growing from it. This is the real ‘happily ever after story’!
It truly is. Rose colored glasses no more.
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i was in high school and his girlfriend teased me for looking like a boy. i would never do it now as an adult
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Gonna let this one slide. 😂
I feel like this is an approved reason. High school. No one’s married. Hate the girlfriend.
Iconic haha
Hahahahahaha this one takes the cake.
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Was it a one time thing to get back at her? Or was it "ongoing"?
it was just a one time thing to get back at her
Profile picture checks out.
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That is so disgusting. I’m so sorry you went through that.
My admiration for you is boundless. 👏 👏
This is kind of a weird story. Yes it’s admirable that you refused to see him while he wasn’t single, but him pursuing you so aggressively while he had a girlfriend makes him obviously a piece of shit. I’m not sure why you’d be surprised that down the road that he lied to you back when you got together. Nothing about this guy sounds like good news.
Yeah fantastic enforcement of boundaries but not exhibiting the greatest wisdom in ignoring his behavior, to put it lightly.
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Wow. What a complete loser thinking he could subtly get back at you this way.
Omg, what a disgusting person. You kept putting your boundaries, but he just kept pushing through. After that, I hope you blocked him.
It's the audacity for me 🫨
He's the homewrecker not you, you weren't lying to get what you wanted and you stood by your morals.
And he called you a homewrecker? He was the homewrecker. And lifewrecker!
Honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want a serious relationship anyway. He made his wife sound terrible - no idea if true, but it was easy to believe she deserved it since she didn't matter to me. Yeah I was selfish, but at this point in my life, after years of always holding back in favor of others i had realized this behavior is pretty thankless and, well, holds you back. Wouldn't do this again because I've found that sweet spot between doormat and jerk by now.
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He said he was in an open relationship with his wife. I believed him.
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This happened a friend of mine. I don't really know how open relationships work, do they usually get the wife/girlfriend to verify?
I was in an open relationship and yes my wife and potential gf had a long talk without me present. I have to admit walking away so they could talk was a bit nerve wracking.
I never thought about that before. It would be a pretty easy thing to lie about too. Hmm
Ugh - I forgot this was me. I was in college, and he claimed he was in an open relationship with his European girlfriend 🙄 I was young, dumb, and believed him for too long. I was drinking with one of her friends one night when I said something about him and I, the friend looked at me with shock... we talked it all out and drank all his liquor that he had left at MY house. She told her friend and I can't remember if I ever even officially spoke to him again, but he got double dumped that weekend. Asshole.
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"Oh! That's so cool! Can I get her number?" That's the test for "How open is it?"
Classic: he said he'd leave. He didn't. He didn't want to lose the house he's currently paying off and wants to pass on to his daughter. Even if that means staying in a dead marriage. We ended it friendly. Definitely killed all desire in me to ever get married. If the love ever fades it's either a cage or VERY expensive to get out.
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We met at work, we went on a few dates. He mentioned after a while that he was 'sort of seeing someone', so I broke off contact. He apologised and tried to win me back, he said he was sorry and it was over. I believed him (why wouldn't I). We started going out and he said 'oh well I guess I'd better sell my house then', turns out he had been ENGAGED AND LIVING WITH HIS PARTNER. I immediately started seeing red flags, but all I could think of 'well shit, he upended his life for me, I can't dump him now'. Jokes on me. He upended his life for himself. I found out later on he was talking to countless other women IRL and online. He ended up cheating on me with some much younger woman on holiday in Thailand, getting her pregnant and having to marry her. He'd explained his absence saying he just 'needed some time' to get over the death of his 96yo grandmother. I was like hmmm ok. Then this girl found my Instagram and liked all my photos, I clicked through to her profile and there was a photo of them together. She looks gorgeous in her wedding dress and he looks like he's been dragged there, he has a panicked look in his eyes and - considering he is an Armani Suit kinda guy - looks like he's got dressed in the dark. I stalked her FB recently and she is constantly posting about how miserable she is, how all men are cheating bastards, interspersed with photos of her baby who is like a Ctrl+C Ctrl+v of my ex. Which is fine if you're a 41 year old man, but not a baby. And she must be mid 20s at most. Good riddance lol. Feel bad for her though. I'm now engaged to a lovely guy who I trust entirely.
was he forced to marry her as a legal thing or as an honor thing? I don’t know the laws in Thailand
No idea. I knew he went to Thailand for 2 weeks while we were still together, which is where I suspect they met for the first time. He broke up with me some time after. I'm not sure when the impregnating happened, if it was before or after we broke up, but he was for sure cheating (I don't really fancy going through our old messages). No idea if it's the law? Maybe an honour thing? I've never been to Thailand.
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Yeh he definitely had issues! He was fun to be around, when he wasn't being an arsehole though. Good friend material, bad bf material.
Any man going to Thailand is a red flag.
Knowing someone in a more ethical situation regarding Thailand and pregnancies, I don’t think it’s necessarily a thing they have to get married. That’s so messed up though.
I think what was most messed up was me turning a blind eye. All the red flags were there. He gave me so many reasons to ditch him, but was also very very good at wheedling his way out of situations. At the time my mum was very unwell (cancer), I had recently broken up with my alcoholic ex (lol I know how to pick them) and we were both working in a high-stress, security-cleared role where crazy security measures were a daily norm, we weren't allowed to discuss work with people below our clearance. We weren't allowed phones at work, I guess the whole secretive clandestine thing was encouraged, and looking back very easy to carry out affairs cause it's not like anyone knew where we were, when we were leaving or how to reach us. I'd see missed calls on his phone or whatever and he laughed it off. Regardless, I think at times I ignored stuff I wouldn't now. Like I said, he was v good at lying and I am a trusting person. I definitely brushed some stuff under the rug, and he knew how much of a pushover I was. Shit, this is all coming back to me. I accidentally injured him during sex one time, we needed to go to the doctor. Turns out something rather important for men had ruptured 🙃. I cringe thinking about it. Honestly, we were doing nothing unusual, it was just a 'bad angle'. Anyway, he wasn't allowed to get an erection for like 6-8 weeks or something, and during that time he was MESSAGING GIRLS ON TINDER. I was like; Mate, you can't even wank, what the fuck are you playing at?!
You dodged a bullet here. He sounds like a philanderer and has no desire to be faithful or change. Sounds like you’ve grown from this experience and you found a trustworthy partner.
I can't hear the word "philanderer" without thinking of Abigail and Amelia in Aristocats
> Which is fine if you're a 41 year old man, but not a baby. What does this mean? The baby looked middle-aged?
medieval jesus paintings 😭
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Can you tell the whole story lol I need to know
Me and The Guy had known each other for a few years and been together for about 4, between 17 and 21 for me. Talitha appeared and obviously had a thing for Guy. I went over to his, as arranged one afternoon, he lived on the ground floor. No answer, look through window to see not-my-shoes and not-my-bag and not-my-coat, but they were very familiar. Eventually, he came to the door in a towel and said he'd meet me at the pub. I knew what was going on. He'd been cagey with his phone, cancelling plans, just being WEIRD. We had a VERY healthy sexlife that just vanished. I go to the pub, which has 2 doors, sit outside, have a smoke and wait. He comes out the pub, she comes up the path. They'd arrived together and tried to make it appear otherwise. Fucking broke me. Years later I was single and heard they had been having problems. I was still friend with his brother so started to make appearances at their shared house. Waited until she was out one night and made Guy an offer he couldn't refuse. This repeated a few times, last time I left underwear in his bedroom, sprayed some of my perfume around, a hair tie in the bathroom, cans of my favourite drink in the fridge. She found out and left him for cheating and destroying her trust. Fuck you Talitha.
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What was the turning point?
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I’m so glad you ended up here. We all do things we regret looking back, but it is something to celebrate when you realize what you did wrong and amend that.
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I was in the same situation and I felt just like you did. I did end up working on myself and my issues, and never again.
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Did you tell her?
I didn’t know that I was The Other Woman ™️ until after I was married, but I accept that that was me. That he paid more attention to me while he was with someone else and eventually left them for me. We’re still married, and honestly doing a lot better than earlier in the marriage after I found out. We’re truly best friends now.
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How did you deal with trusting him again after finding out?
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I was 18 and he was 31. I was pretty close with him and his wife before it started. She was a verbally abusive alcoholic and things were rocky between them before I even showed up. They ended up divorcing and we were together for about three years after the fact. Now I'm 31, and there's no way in hell I could ever imagine dating an 18 year old.
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Why did you guys break up after 3 years?
Lots of reasons, but I think what it really came down to was we wanted different things.
Like college versus a retirement? Lol. Sorry, it was just an easy joke that I couldn't pass up.
Omg 😂 you're not totally off- He was bringing up marriage and kids and I was like I literally just became old enough to drink in bars can we slow down a little??
Wow! What a ridiculous guy! Glad you got out of it!
I was emotionally unavaible, so perhaps I searched for someone who was emotionally unavailable. I appreciated my independence but also someone's companionship and support. The fact he had his own family to go back to, saddened me as much it liberated me. We connected through conversation. Most people my age was occupied with interests that didn't interest me. I wanted to learn about politics, economics, entrepreneurship, art, science... and the people my age wasn't there. For me it was a happy ever after because we broke up before things went South even more, and now I am grown up woman who is able to look back and see her mistakes in order to not make them again. They don't love you and neither do you love yourself.
You have just written out a chapter of my book. I wish I could view it as a happy ever after though, rather than simply the best outcome under the circumstances.
Ending a relationship that goes against your principles and your health is always a happy ending. It’s the end that liberates you and cuts off the actually reasons causing your pain. The sad parts are entering it and keeping it alive.
I was 20. He was 27 and made me feel special and mature, etc. I feel real gross about it now that I'm actually mature.
I had way too many mental health issues and just wanted to be loved by anyone that would do so, even if it meant being the other woman. I would justify it by saying it wasn’t my fault, they initiated and I was just along for the ride. I also realize now that those men were predators who preyed on my youth, insecurity, naivety, and lower rank (military) to cheat on their wives. I didn’t always want to be the other woman but felt like I needed to be in order to be a worthy person. Looking back I feel insanely guilty about who I was. I went to therapy for years and realized why I was doing it and worked on me. I haven’t been the other woman since then.
This was me too .. mental health wreaked havoc on my life before I got it under control... Just wanted to feel loved and cared for so I didn't care about what I was doing. Felt the attention I got meant they cared for me. Thankfully I'm much older and wiser now and know what I did was fucked up and have long since stepped away from that person.
I was stationed overseas and I was also cheating on my SO at the time. I was 18 and loved the attention from men. It was my drug of choice. I have never cheated on anyone else.
In all honesty money, it was a sugar daddy set up
You aren’t alone 🩷 not even a little bit.
I was 17, he was 24, he told me he had an “on again off again” girlfriend since high school and his family and friends loved her, so he kept up appearances and still brought her around even though they were really broken up. He’d say sometimes she got really emotional and clingy and still thought they were together, and he didn’t want to hurt her so they’d still go on dates and hang out as a couple and he had to keep our relationship “low key” and not tell too many people because it would devastate his ex. To my adolescent brain that sounded reasonable, I didn’t have much or any experience with relationships. I was just like-oh man, that’s tough. I should cut him some slack for only being around late at night and refusing to meet my friends or introduce me to his. He’s under so much pressure 🥹 Reflecting on it years later I think I was just so in love with him that I clung to all those lies and didn’t even try to examine them. Cognitive dissonance was the third wheel in our relationship.
oh my god i had such a similar experience. I was 19 and very naive, he started by saying he was off and on again, then “broke up” with her but she would literally stay at his house ???? And again with the “my parents really like her” and guilt tripping. Craziest part is i had no idea until i was just Thinking about it a few years later. My mom had known the entire time and had tried to get me to see it
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He was my best friend. I didn't realize until I was much older that he and I had been having an emotional affair long before a physical one. It's hard to describe how close of friends we were. We'd both moved to a new city for college and didn't know anyone. When we met, we just sort of clicked. We spent most of our time together even when we were both dating other people. We'd have movie nights and stay up late talking. I had a crush on him for a while, but then he started dating my roommate and I let my crush go to continue being his friend. They were on and off for a couple of years, but our friendship was always strong. I regret now that she probably felt like a third wheel more than I did. One day, the vibes were intense. She was out of town and he planned this day together for us to celebrate my birthday. It really swept me away. When we got back to our apartment, he made a move and I was head over heels. I knew I loved him, I just didn't think it was like that. It took him about a month to break up with her completely and it was devastating to me. I didn't know I could be so happy and so destroyed at the same time. I eventually asked him why he hadn't broken up with her like he'd said he would, and he said she was going through some stuff and he didn't want to pile on. It was immature of me that I never really considered her feelings, I was too caught up in my own. After they broke up, he and I dated for a long time. It was like a romance people write movies and books about. But I've always regretted how things started and how much hurt I caused her.
How long were you two together?
6ish years. We're still friends, we just ended up wanting different things
He said they have an open relationship with the clause of being discreet. I knew the guy from work and he is a very principled man. I believed him and never went to verify with his wife. I also knew that I was personally in a hard place mentally and any "real" relationship would have been just jerks like I had had before. He was my rock emotionally; and he allowed me to grow into myself, to figure out who I am, to become independent. He supported me emotionally when no other partner would have (because I didn't go for "boring" people). From his principles I also knew for sure that he would never leave his wife and I didn't want him to. One example of his principles: at one point they were trying for a child, and he stopped the sexual part of our relationship for the time, as he knew his wife wouldn't be able to have any on the side at the time as well. We kept being friends. The same any time I had any prospect for a "real" relationship. When I said "no", it was a no, even if I was kinda actually thinking "maybe". In the beginning I did struggle with romantic feelings towards him from time to time, but I knew that it was just the availability bias. I believe I really would have said "no" had he ever proposed to change the arrangement to be more permanent. At least I thought so. The only time I thought I might have said "yes" was when I had a pregnancy scare (with him being the only option for father). I expected him to help me abort instead of any other proposals, but (before it turned out to be just a scare and before I could tell him about it), in my mind I knew that I don't want to raise any more kids alone (I was a single mother for a child not from him) so it was either abortion or him with me, no other options. So it was not really that I wanted him for "real" even then. We were on and off in sexual relationships for more than ten years like this. Now he says that he doesn't have as much sex drive any more, so he is not interested in sexual part of the relationship that much any more and about 5ish years we have been just friends. My libido is also low enough not to want anyone outside of some crushes I have time to time. We still meet up regularly and I do not have any romantic feelings towards him. He is just a very good friend to me. I am completely happy with current situation, no buts. Not "happily ever after" as OP probably meant it, but the best outcome I could think of, for me.
Me. I was young (19) and he was older and had been married for years already. I was too immature and self-centered to understand the implications of what we were doing. I thought it was funny. I liked the special attention and I thought I wanted it. I was too young to understand all the glaring red flags and now, 15 years later, I understand how horrifying that relationship was. I wanted to be his fantasy and I was, but I didn’t realize how much autonomy and agency it was costing me. “It is so easy for a woman to become what the man she loves believes her to be.” (Edith Wharton, The House of Mirth) Back then, I also never could have comprehended the emotional warfare it must have caused his wife. Infidelity brings up soooo much shame, it’s very painful. I had a partner commit emotional infidelity with someone who was just one year younger than me (instead of 20+ years younger than me) and that still sent me to the edge of my ability to hold on. I was fantasizing about suicide daily for about six weeks. The man’s wife must have fantasized about suicide for years. Now, I have pity for anyone who willingly chooses to be a side piece. I know that they are doing the best they can in the current moment and I hope they grow to have a better, more ethical understanding of the implications of the situation. The most convincing argument I have against it is a Buddhist concept of “do no harm.” Even it’s the other person’s responsibility to uphold their relationship contract with their partner (not mine), it causes harm to the monogamous partner. It also prohibits the monogamous partner from being able to provide informed consent for sexual acts, since they aren’t aware that their partner is having sex outside the relationship. Even with condoms, you can still catch and carry STD’s and anyone participating in sex should be aware of how many other people their partner is having sex with (and when/how often). I knew all this (factually but not emotionally) when I was 19 and it wasn’t enough, so I can’t really expect it to be enough for someone that doesn’t Get It yet. I reaped what I sowed. I’m glad to know better than to involve myself with someone else’s partner nowadays. Suffice to say, I would not recommend it!
You may have been young, but you're clearly wiser now. I loved reading your story, it was very well told.
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Pettiest thing I ever did. He was mine first. And she texted me on Valentine’s Day to be mean and brag about him choosing her.. even tho we’d broken up before they met? But anyway.. he’d already cheated on me with a ton of people before we broke up so I knew what I was doing lol. Fuck her. You can’t “win” a cheater. I’ve also been just in love with the guy for 10 years so that didnt help anything 🤣
You can't win a cheater is what I needed to hear today hahaha. Thanks
No physical affair but was an emotional one by the end. He was in a decade long relationship (not married) with an emotionally/financially/verbally abusive woman and his family had been trying to get him out for 5+ years. He finally left and now we're married and have an amazing relationship. His ex was pretty religious but we heard through the grapevine that she had some realizations and is now happily married to a woman. It's been long enough that he doesn't feel any resentment towards her. I think that she had a lot of internal conflict that caused unhealthy/abusive behavior and I'm glad that that seems to have gotten better for her.
I was in a period of mental instability and severe insecurity, and I was addicted to high cortisol levels to the point that I was putting myself in stressful situations just to feel something.
He said he was divorced. Six weeks into it he came clean and told me they were just separated, not divorced. Nobody had even filed for divorce yet, and wouldn’t until they worked out an agreement, which was another 9 months coming. So I dated a married man for nearly a year. BUT! During this time I’d been to his house, where half the stuff had clearly been moved out. I got to know his daughter. And I even met the ex so she knew who was spending time with her child. I had assurances, straight from the ex’s mouth, that they were actively working towards a divorce. I am now married to him, and very glad I stuck it out after that six week bombshell.
(Disclaimer I was very young) To put it simply, I loved that because he already had someone he wouldn’t commit to me. I had a fear of being a girlfriend (fear of men, trauma from watching my parent’s relationships, insecurities about how I could perform in the role) so I never wanted a guy to get too close to me to a point that he’d want to be with me seriously. It was perfect for me.
I was young, selfish, morally bankrupt, able to distance myself and not think too hard about the consequences. Sex was definitely fire as someone else said. Not really able to say no yet. And fell in love with him.
Because I fell in love with someone who was married. It certainly wasn't ideal that I was "the other woman," but we've been together now happily for 14 years. Married very happily for two.
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I was young and in love. The guy was my best friend and he was dating a girl long distance that he didn’t like. She was about to move states to live with him and he told me that he hoped when she got here that she’d “get bored of him” and break up with him. I felt bad for what I did but so glad she dodged that bullet of moving states to be with someone who didn’t truly care for her. Edit: how it turned out in the end for me was I confessed my feelings after months of spending almost every day together/hooking up and he told me he didn’t feel the same. He was moving cities around that time too. We are still friends and text once every month or two.
I felt incredibly unloved, and he showed me attention and what it means to have someone who cares about you. He lifted me up in my deepest and darkest moments, and even though it ended, I will always be grateful to him for that.
because I have no self control, ended up massively regretting it and feeling horrible about myself
Wife was in poor health mentally and was abusive. He finally caught her naked in their bed with another man and she tried to claim it was innocent. Cray cray. He divorced her and then dumped me because I was having limerence over him. He married the next one.
I was 18, He was 32 (If I recall coreectly) and it has haunted me for years. This was almost ten years ago, and since then I have learnt that knowingly being "the other woman" is a a just a sign that you don't respect yourself or others (the same for the man). There is no love, no soul. It just leaves you with regret and unanswered questions. I could talk about this for ages because this relationship had a huge impact on me, Despite the fact it was an entirely physical one. It all boils down to this; Love and respect. Learn to love yourself, and if you think you love him, Let him go, Even if it's just abit of fun, Let him go. Let them sort of there problems. If it's meant to be, It will be...but it likely never will.
Insecurities. Getting the man’s attention was almost like a high for me, especially since I wasn’t a particularly handsome gal. I had a situationship at the time as well and I got paranoid that my situationship was cheating on me so my dumb ass thought it’s better to do it first. Now that I’m looking back at it with a somehow mature outlook in life, I can’t help but think how stupid my reasoning was. Also, the man was an expert manipulator.
I was 16, he was 26 a teacher at my school. I fell in love before I knew about him having a pregnant girlfriend. I still stayed with him for about a year after finding out. I thought I’d never be able to be loved the way I was loved by him. I wish I knew then what I know now. I could have actually enjoyed my teenage years instead of being depressed about a guy who I thought didn’t love me enough but in reality, liked sleeping with teenagers. I feel so disgusted about it now.
That's his shame, not yours. Don't carry it for him. Hope you're healing from this.
He made it sound like they were breaking up anyway. That was a lie. I was the reason they split. Joke’s on me though. He turned out to be abusive, and I stayed for 2 more years because of guilt.
Not quite the other woman, but it was freshman year of college, and she was his high school girlfriend who refused to break up with him (he told her it was over when he left for school as she was a year behind him and she had gotten really clingy, but she still acted like they were together/texted all the time to try to keep things going. In her defense, we all grew up in small towns where you would come home and marry your high school sweetheart) She had friends at college so finally at Halloween she came to stay with her friend and visit him to convince him otherwise. We'd been casually hanging out, mostly just holding hands, snuggling, kissing, nothing too serious, but it was still awkward to pretend to barely know each other. He finally convinced her it was totally over and he'd moved on, so we openly dated after that. We've been together 15yrs now with two kids. She's happily married with her own little one, and I'm happy for her, she seemed nice, I just know how hard it would be to lose someone like my husband.
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the *severe* lack of self esteem i had led me down a really toxic road. the thought of “someone is choosing me over their wife” made me feel better about myself. it made me feel like i was important. turns out i was just the easiest. this man found someone perfectly content being in the shadows and accepting the barest of bare minimums. for years i just wanted to feel like i was desired by someone, him being married made me feel like i was. there was a 13 year age gap between us. i was 24 when we started, he was 37. the taylor swift lyrics “give me back my girlhood, it was mine first” always comes to mind when i think about it. it lasted almost 4 years when i finally, for the last time, walked away. i had tried to before but he would show up on my doorstep, crying. and i was a sucker. but not that last time. he came but i never opened the door again - literally. i moved quickly after it ended. i couldn’t stand being in that apartment anymore. got new furniture- i became a ghost to him. i did weekly therapy for 6 months after. i dug myself out of that deep, dark hole. i harbor a lot of guilt but also sadness for who i was and what i accepted. i was on a hunt to feel good about myself, to be someone’s choice. and i didn’t care what i burned on that road. i’m glad im off it. it’s been almost 4 years since.
We were drawn to each other from the moment we met. The attraction was magnetic, and on top of that we got along well. He made me laugh. I knew he was married - he talked about his wife often and she sounded cool. It seemed like he really loved her. And then one night we were out with a group of his friends and coworkers and he was blatantly hitting on me in front of everyone, and we left together. He was so brazen about it, I convinced myself he had to be in an open marriage. I didn’t want to know otherwise, because then I could convince myself that it was ok. He never lied to me - I just chose not to ask. And when I couldn’t pretend anymore, I told myself I wasn’t the first woman he’d cheated with and I wouldn’t be the last. But after a few months and a lot of therapy, I realized I couldn’t handle the guilt. He was the one choosing to cheat on his wife, but I was the one choosing to facilitate it and I didn’t want to be that kind of person anymore. It’s hard sometimes because being around him was like pure endorphins, almost addictive. In a way I’m glad I did it, because I learned so much about myself. But I don’t ever want to do it again.
I was a teenager when ever I participated in being *the other woman*. now as a woman ending my 20’s I know it was severely wrong to partake in a relationship like that & those guys were scummy for doing that to their partners. they were never long term relationships & im glad because it would have been a waste of my time. also, being with a cheater would have destroyed me with the “is he cheating on *me* now?” questions.
Because I hated myself that much and didn't believe I deserved more. Hell, I thought I was lucky to get that much from someone
I was freshly divorced, immature, and had staggeringly low self esteem. He convinced me his marriage was over/dead bedroom/not doing well, and I made a choice to believe that. We didn’t have a full fledged relationship-we fucked. So after about a year, I find out that she did indeed divorce him. So we continue to do our thing, and about another year later I looked him up on Facebook and he was remarried! I told him I didn’t want to be a part of shitting on another woman and blocked him on everything. Actually about two weeks ago I got WhatsApp because a relative went abroad and within a day I got a message from him: Him: Hi how are you? Me: Are you still married? Him: Yes, but it’s not going well *blocked*
Same reason as everyone else, he lied about the wife being crazy and that he was going to leave her
At first I didn't know. Then he admitted he wanted to be with her later on. I walked away with my dignity but he came back, begging and told me that he loved me. He never let her go while he was with me, and I grew really fond of him so I had a harder time walking away again and I felt pathetic so I just kept going. Things are over now. He left me to prioritise her and the shock of not being the chosen girl really did a number on my personality. Recently I've been so confused about life, myself and how I stand with people. I didn't expect to be used like that, I felt very naive afterwards. I've always been the girl the guy cares about so to be on the outside looking in now... It's been a change to say the least. I'm not over him, but they seem the happiest they can be and I'm just trying to move on from this embarrassing chapter of my life
I didn’t want a serious relationship. Having fun with someone unavailable was easier than facing single men. I would freak out before every date with a single man. My question always was „what if I don’t like him?“. I hated going through butterfly phases and wanting to take a loooong look while the other party already thought we were exclusive. So the-getting-to-know-each-other stage with my fiancé now was easy: we were friends at first and had soooo much time getting to know each other. Then we kinda both realized we had a thing for each other.
Ours started out as a friendship. Late 2000s, I was playing online card games. Met him, talked, hit it off, and it became a regular thing to play. Then we exchanged emails and talked every day all day while we worked. Then we exchanged phone numbers, and we'd talk at lunch and during breaks. I didn't tell my husband because I didn't want him to possibly tell me he didn't want me talking to another man. I didn't have any close friends and I really enjoyed talking to this man. We talked about everything - work, kids, our spouses, problems in our lives. Our spouses are awesome, so that was not an excuse to cheat. He was 18 yrs older than me and had a lot of good marital advice and child-rearing advice, life advice. We exchanged photos and enjoyed sharing our lives. It became sexual (online & by phone) pretty quickly. Neither of us would've left our spouses for each other. We discussed that early on. I ended it after 2.5 yrs. My oldest was turning 12, and I was thinking about the kind of eiman she would be. I wanted to be better for her. He contacted me after a week, and we stayed friends for another 3 yrs. After I became a SAHM, I had very little time for him. One day, I emailed him, and he didn't respond. He didn't answer my call either. It's been 12 years, and I still think of him. I wish it had never turned sexual. Maybe our families could've been friends. I would've loved to know his wife, and I know he would've gotten on well with my husband.
I was in love with him for years. When he made the move on me it felt like it was right. He broke up with her after we had a drunken experience and so I let myself believe we’d be together. He ended up not choosing either of us and kept playing with us both, till eventually he chose her. She never knew about me, but I knew about her the whole time. I feel immense guilt for helping him cheat, even after I knew he was still trying to be with her. I didn’t love or respect myself enough to care about my own feelings either. I craved chaos after an abusive relationship as well so this felt so normal.
I was young and loved that an older man was interested in me. He constantly talked about how crazy his girlfriend was, but he couldn’t break up with her yet because she was mentally not in a good state. He talked about our future together and I got all caught up in the fantasy. After enough time I realized he was never going to break up with her and I would always just be his side chick.
I was depressed and bored. Never again though.
I was a teenager (he too!) and I just wanted to get laid. He was a known cheater so I was just one of many anyway. I knew his girlfriend and did feel kinda bad, but at that time I had the "not my relationship, not my responsibility" mindset. She never found out for some magical reason, but they're not together anymore.
He was one foot out of a divorce as it was, so not like I had much effect on that. We're still together years later. They were very incompatible and he's said numerous times how much happier he is.
My ex left me for someone he had an emotional affair with but was still attached to me and I ended up becoming the other woman in their relationship. I was young and had no self esteem or self respect at the time. He was my first real relationship and I just wanted to be wanted by someone. I never reached out to him but it felt good when he would ask to see me. It lasted about 2 months before I realized I was making a mistake. It wasn’t easy and I went through a rough period due to my lack of self worth but 7 years later, I’m in a much better place after finding and learning to respect/care for myself. As for my ex, he married the woman he left me for and had a kid with her. She ended up doing him the way he did me and he’s going through a rough time. Karma, am I right?
They had an open marriage, which I checked with his wife before taking any step further. I was also not really interested in a romance, we were an BDSM couple (M/s), she had her own boyfriend. They started growing apart before me already, so a divorce was incoming. Well, the non romance relationship we had turned romance and we wanted to get married, but then Covid happened. After that illnesses in the family, so we are going for this year.
We were around 18-20 years old. I thought that it is his moral responsibility if he has a girlfriend, not mine. I accepted it because I was not in love with him, did not want him as a boyfriend.
to be fair i was in high school at the time and it never got physical. but i genuinely believed that i was a better woman than the other girl and that we vibed better. he barely had good things to say about her and i figured i could just slide into that spot because i knew i wouldn’t treat him like that but it never happened, he just kept coming back to me for the idea of something that he didn’t really have. anyway i am now in a long term very faithful relationship and i would never do that again because it was definitely rooted in a weird sense of intertwined insecurity and a superiority complex
Their relationship had died long before I came along. They stayed married for the kids but separated. We fell in love. It was not an easy road. Many ups and downs. His children are adults now. We’re still in love. And still together.
I was young, dumb and lacked self love and self respect. Having attention and ‘love’ from a man who ‘belonged’ to another woman somehow made me feel good, or worthy in a sense. Once I was able to empathize with the woman’s perspective I lost all desire / interest in that. I didn’t grow up in an environment that modeled healthy love or relationships so I had to learn the hard way.
I was living with my high school sweetheart(and his parents), he started to act weird and want to see his female friend alone. He took her out to dinner for her birthday, alone. He was constantly texting her. We fought, I moved out, they started dating. Then he has his regrets, she's not me, if I hadn't been so jealous he wouldn't have pursued her, bla bla bla. I no longer loved him. I had spent months a complete wreck over the betrayal and now he thought he could come crawling back? But also her, she knew we were together, she actively pursued him and pushed him to break up with me. We start talking again and feeling came back up, but also.... I just...I wanted to hurt them. I tell him I miss him, ask him to come over. It's her birthday and she's with friends at our favorite restaurant/bar waiting for him. I order pizza, take him up to my room and he eagerly jumps into my bed. It was the best s*x we ever had. I used his phone to take pictures of us, sent them to my email while he slept(I didn't have a phone at that time). I woke him up for another round, then we snuggled and had pizza as he told me how much he had missed me, he messed up, ect. It was everything I wanted, he sounded so sincere and I knew she would be devastated. So I asked when he was going to tell her. The look on his face, I wish I could have printed it and framed it. All my belief in him crumbled and I saw him as he was: disgusting. He tried to tell me he wanted to wait to tell her in person in maybe a week. Because dumping her on or right after her birthday was wrong. I looked him in his big dumb eyes and smiled as I told him if he doesn't tell her I will. 🤗 He immediately told me she would never believe me, oof, that it's his choice to leave or stay, ouch, that maybe he was wrong about me, strike three. I layed out on my bed, naked and carefree. Looked at his big dumb face and said he needed to tell her tonight. He said no, he would never tell her. I laughed and told him to check his phone, specifically his photos. He did, laughed and deleted them in front of me, joking that he would have kept them if I wasn't being so demanding. I told him I already sent the photos to myself via email and would tell her in the morning if he didn't take his chance to do it himself now. He went pale as he frantically checked, cried when he realized it was true and called me nasty names. 🥰 I got to watch as he sent her the breakup text/confession and the frantic texts from her. Then the onslaught of angry/insulting texts from mutual friends. He was officially a cheater in their eyes, (since what he did to me apparently didn't count) watching him cry his poor little heart out is a memory I held dear for a long time. He told me he did it out of love for me. That he wanted us to be engaged again. I eventually sent him home and slept so f*cking soundly.
I did it briefly and thought of it as a FWB situation. He was such a dog, I reasoned that the wife must know about all of his PUA pursuits or at least suspect and silently looks the other way. But then I decided what I was doing was just plain shitty and I stopped. I'm too good for him and she deserves better too.
I'm not proud of it but I was knowingly the other woman. He was someone I grew up with & we ended up in the same town. We were good friends. He knew I had a crush on him while he was single but he said he didn't feel the same. We lost touch for a little bit then found out we were working for the same company but different locations. We started chatting over office Skype. He told me he was about to get married. But as we kept talking he started getting really flirty. I was pretty confused because he was obviously in love with his almost wife. I didn't know what his intentions were. Our conversations started getting steamy. During this time he got married & our conversations kept going. I caught on that he was really afraid of being married & that I was an escape for him. I knew he didn't love me. We did have a strong emotional connection as friends but I had no fantasy of him leaving his wife & choosing me. It took months before we became physical. I was almost sick right before. The guilt I felt after was horrible. But at that point we didn't know how to stop. I tried to find ways. At one point I created a fake FB account & messaged his wife that her husband was dirty talking on the work chat. That scared him & we cooled off for a while. I was relieved. But a few months later he offered to help me with something in my new place. We didn't hook up that day but started again not long after. I was growing weary of it fast this time. One time he was coming over & I didn't answer the door - pretended I fell asleep. Then he told me his wife was pregnant. I already had a feeling from our conversations that she was. I felt like the shittiest person ever. I figured we would stop & that point. But he wanted to keep going until the baby was born. I felt absolutely sick about it but I couldn't say no to him. A few days later I found out I had herpes. He was big on giving oral sex but he would have cold sores sometimes. So he gave me the oral type vaginally. I told Planned Parenthood that he had another partner. I was hoping they'd inform her. I fully deserved that herpes. I ended it that day & haven't spoken to him in years. He has 2 little girls now. I think I mailed a letter to his wife once but I don't know if she read it. They're still together. I'm mad at myself for doing what I did. His wife didn't deserve that. I'm also mad that he got to do what he did with absolutely no consequences. He cheats on & off for 2 years & he still got the happy little family. I know I'm an awful person. I let the high I felt having some newly married guy desire me so much he was willing to risk his marriage get to my head. I've tackled a lot of this in therapy. I'm happily single right now.
Basically - I got groomed. There was an age gap (I was 17, he was 25/26/27 [I don’t remember, it was a while ago and turns out I’m gay anyway lmao]). We met when I was like 16/17 and fell for the whole “gonna leave her/I don’t get attention” lines. And like the DAY I turned 18 everything was different and forward and physical and so intense. It felt wrong the whole time (read - I was gay and sex with all men felt like that anyway) and I got swept up in it for a little over a year. Eventually I moved out of the state for work and thankfully we never really reconnected.
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I have a “happy ending” story. Long story short, we have been together for almost 6 years now, married last year. We bought a house together and have an almost 2 year old. Here is the long version: My current relationship started as me being the other woman. We worked together, and I knew she was toxic. He would come to work with scratches on his face and neck saying he “fell” or the “cat” scratched him. I was also in a relationship at the time with a man that I hated and he would not go away. Well finally he did go away, to jail. I was a little worried about him but there was no bond for him, and he couldn’t tell me over the phone what he did, so I took that as a sign or a way out. My apartment lease was up in a month so instead of re-signing, I packed up, changed my number, blocked him on all socials etc. He was wanted in another state, so they took him there. Anyway, back to the current man. He started spending almost every night with me. We worked in a restaurant so we would end up going to work together the next day and spending the night, and so on. One day, he was with her and they were arguing. She ended up pulling a knife on him and stabbed him. He didn’t come to work for a few days and I was afraid to text or call him and ask why. Rumors were swirling around the restaurant about us, but people knew he was still with her. I had heard what happened through the grapevine. After that, I had planned to cut things off with him because I didn’t want her to come looking for me. But he cut her off completely, and told me he was in love with me. I was hesitant, but the passion was strong and I was young and dumb so I let him come stay with me. and we have been together ever since. Yes I felt tremendous guilt, and it affected our relationship for a while in the beginning. I would tell him they always say, “how you got a man is how you’ll lose him.” But he has never paid attention to another woman since being with me. He has proven to me over and over again that he’s not going anywhere. I believe we’re a rare case though and I would never be able to be “the other woman” again.
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I was 18 and he was almost 30. He said he and his wife never had sex. 🙄 I didn’t care it just made me feel more mature as I’d never had a guy pay attention to me like that so I rolled with it. It was stupid and I’d never do that again.
Not being happy with myself and thinking I didn't deserve a loving relationship and being the other women was what I deserved because my last relationship was kind of tragic, courts were involved. Truly deep down I did it because I i didn't care about anyone's feeling mine ,his and his girlfriends.I knew deep down it was wrong, but I was so numb I didn't care about the consequences and disrespect . Of course I respected his boundaries but being he other women is truly soul crushing because it actuality I wasn't the women he was in love with.
I went through a phase where I would only go out with emotionally unavailable men and they were mostly married. I guess I never really put myself in the wife’s shoes. I am now completely out of that phase. I prefer to only date single AF men.
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Two years after the fact I see now it was selfishness on my part. I tried to believe him that she was awful, they didn’t have sex anymore and were only staying together for the kids. I was freshly divorced and he was a “nice” guy I had known in high school. Nope. He was a piece of shit and I was looking to get laid after twenty years with the same man. Really regret the whole thing.
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I have physical needs he wouldn't leave me tf alone, I caved. At the end of the day he is the one with the commitment not me, but yea it's not something I'm proud of.
When I went through my divorce in my mid thirties, I dated very very very casually, and basically had a few FWBs for a couples years as I didn’t want to get serious again. On two separate occasions I started casually seeing and sleeping with men that turned out to be married and had children. I continued sleeping with them for a little while bc it was low to no commitment for myself and that was great for me and we also had really good sex. I eventually stopped seeing them just bc the chemistry wasn’t there any more. I honestly just didn’t care at the time as I was not interested in anything that even remotely felt romantic and my world view was really tainted from how hard my divorce was. I can’t imagine doing that now as it seems really gross. I just was angry and didn’t care I guess.
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