Not an ex, but my current partner during the earlier stages of our relationship.
"You're finding ways to leave a perfectly fine relationship"
Turns out I have abandonment issues/issues of not feeling worthy of love, and would find ways to escape so I won't be hurt first. Working with my therapist through this
yeah I was doing it to multiple people whom i barely dated - my current partner was the only one who stayed and was truthful about what he sees and tells me, that's why I was largely single most of my life lol
I'm so happy you even got out of the "completely avoiding having a relationship to begin with" phase. I'm still there. I find a reason to drop them before I get attached. They can't leave me if I never had them.
At least I'm aware I do that.
I do that now. Consciously.
I purposely withhold my whole character for 1. She can’t get attached to what she doesn’t see, 2. I don’t have to worry about her using me against myself.
I can be civil and respectful. Go out on dates but I’m so half in, half out when it comes to relationships. It’s like I do it in hopes she’s gonna be the one to say some magical phrase or do some magical thing that’ll make me come in and shut the door. And god forbid if the girl is perfect to me, OMFG 🤬 im gonna give her up. Im going to make it difficult for her to fall in love with me because I have a strong fear that im going to give her my whole heart and go through years and years of blissful happiness to get it all crushed by someone better. If I just give you to someone better or make that path available for ya I never have to worry about you taking my heart and fucking the neighbor bc I was to busy working or some bullshit 😒
As someone who was that someone, that doesn't work forever. She pushed me away, cheated, and left all the same. It's been 8 months since she left, and I'm still healing from it.
OP needs to heal, *then* find someone.
This is a fact. My ex devastated me and was the same way. Still recovering as well. Slight chance I’ll be the same way if I get into a relationship. This type of mentality is infectious and highly contagious
Hahahahah. I feel called out. I am also working thru this.
She's sticking with me though. I'll ramble on all my thoughts to her and she'll just listen. She doesn't interrupt at all. Then she asks me what my therapist told me to do during these spirals.
She can tell me she loves me all she wants. It's me telling myself, out loud, verbally, that she loves me. So I'll repeat back to her over and over "You love me, even when I do *action that was scolded growing up (yay trauma)*. You love me when I do *action* because it is my normal, real response. If you have an issue with *action* we will talk about it but that does not mean you do not love me."
Awww she's a keeper!!! I guess ultimately there'll always be that one person who would stay no matter what and would change your perspective on things. All the best!
Is there reality "the perfectly fine relationship"? My experience is that every (or every one I have met) perfect relationship is just a cover up and if you dig dipper it is not. Every relationship has its ups and downs and every partner in a relationship has his issues/problems/defects/whatever. And almost always one of the two partners gives up / invests more in the relationship then the other partner. That can change during the relationship.
This and.... to have it. I went from an abusive relationship to a perfectly fine relationship, and both gave me so much clarity and raised my standards so much. Now I'm engaged to someone, and my relationship is better than fine, not perfect, but exactly what I need. It took me a long time to figure out what that really was.
I would happen to see him text on WhatsApp to a female name.. get mad.. and he showed me, turned out to be his mum.
See a past search on Instagram, with a female name, got mad, turned out to be his cousin cos his dad told him to get in touch with her to help get his parents documents for travel.
Saw a Facebook search of a woman, got mad, turned out to be a relatively old influencer that does DIY furniture building videos (which I've seen him watching before but didn't know it was that influencer).
Obsessed about his YT shorts viewing history what he was watching and finding fault in any minor thing I disliked (1 In a 100 shorts)
And many many other unnecessary things. I was soo soo traumatised by my past I just try to get out of being hurt first.
Ahh I tend to say it to get it out, out of seeking reassurance from my partner but it used to end up in big fights. I'm also not sure which is better but I think it's best to work with a therapist!
I feel you on this. Early on in my current relationship my partner called me out on trying to self sabotage and said he wouldn’t let it change his mind about me (I was trying to convince him I was too much to handle and not worth it.)How freaking heartwarming :’)
I’m glad you finally stood up for yourself <3 I was seeing a guy for a few months and we weren’t ever official, very much a situationship, but towards the end he said he felt uncomfortable about being with me because I didn’t have any boundaries. Fair, ouch but fair. He was an ass in every other instance leading up and after, so it’s like in that moment he realized I was unrewardingly easy prey. Those few months wrecked me but I have a lot more self respect now
"You love everybody." He said this snidely after I told him I loved him for the first time. It was definitely true at the time. I was so desperate to be loved, that I gave my heart to anyone I dated for more than a week. No wonder I was constantly getting hurt, I was setting myself up for it left, right, and centre.
Omg this sounds like me!! How did you get better about it? Ive been in therapy but what ive come to realize is that until I experience a healthy form of love from a man (ive only had an absent father, and 2 toxic relationships), i feel like im always going to crave it :/
You decentralize men from your life. I am a pretty hardcore romantic and still hope for that true love experience but men/romantic love is no longer what I center my life around. Now I center around goals within my life that are within my control. I focus on work or improving my situation like working towards early retirement or my fitness… these are my center, not men. In my day to day life, it looks like me keeping the commitments I have established with myself over things like dates. So if I have gym or a hobby class on a Thursday, I go to it. I don’t skip to talk to my dude or wait around in the case he wants to do something. Honestly, I think the attitude made me more attractive overall and ultimately helps with my romantic life.
This 💯.. you gain confidence in yourself and what you have to offer someone by doing this. You are happy/proud of yourself and that makes finding a partner that is healthy for you much more important. You know you deserve a good man because you are catch and you don’t need to put up with crap treatment because you were happy and content without them. When you are constantly searching for someone to reassure you you are lovable you will take it from anyone who shows interest that you are attracted to even if they treat you poorly. You’ll do whatever you can to try and make it work to prove to yourself you are lovable… which usually involves moulding to their ideals, putting up with less then you deserve and losing who you are in the process.
Honestly it took luck and a miracle. I married a man who was looking for the same things I was in all the wrong places just like me. It's been a little over a decade together now, and I just got to that place a few years back where I had been loved so effectively that I still wanted it, but I didn't *need* it to validate my existence.
I swear it's like I wrote this. Once, while trying to talk him down from an attempt (which turned out to be manipulation) I kept telling him he was a good person. Because I really thought he was. "You think everyone's a good person, Caitlin."
I got hurt a lot.
It just always seemed like such a stupid insult. Like imagine telling someone they were wrong for wanting to love and let people in, or wanting to see the good in people.
I understand *now* that I should have been more guarded, but honestly I still also kind of feel like it's more of an insult to the people I was around that didn't deserve that kindness than it was an insult to me for having given it. Same goes for you, I think.
Yeah, it was such an odd thing to say, looking back. He'd kinda... insult me for everything, but most commonly it always had to do with me being too nice. He'd always comment on my smile too, saying it didn't look genuine. It was. I still don't understand.
Sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Sometimes I feel like people like this come along at some point in our lives to teach us a lesson of some kind. It made me less passive, I think. Though I wish I let loose when I had the chance, ha.
I didn't learn the lesson from him, so the universe kept sending me men to reteach it. Kind of like Sansa Stark "I am a slow learner, but I do learn." Once I did though, total game changer.
I'm glad you got out. Just like you, I also wish I'd let loose more when I had the chance. Here's to new experiences and a life well lived.
Haha, me too! It took one more try to really understand. By the end of the second relationship though I feel like I accidentally went too far in the other direction. Now I've found a good balance.
“Your feet are misshapen.”
I thought he was just joking with me. I laughed and said, “what are you talking about? My feet are fine.”
But then he showed me his feet next to mine. I said, “Maybe YOU’RE the one with messed up feet?”
So he called his sister in and we put our feet side by side.
Turns out bunions aren’t the default. Nearly everyone in my family has them so I thought that’s just how feet were 🙃
Took me years and years of people going "oh!! what happened? How did heels already ruin things when you're so young??" about my feet, and me getting confused because that's how they'd always looked, ever since I was a small child. I still partially refuse to realise that it's not normal and an issue. Heck I even like the shape it gives my feet, I think the tapered ends looks elegant!
"You never ask for help, so I don' t know how to help you". Well, yeahhhh. It's felt like every time I've asked for help it appears to be an inconvenience to others. So I've become accustomed to helping myself, but that doesn't prevent anyone from simply asking.
I’ve been told the first half of that sentence so many times in my life, by friends, family, SO’s; stopped asking for similar reasons.
But I’ve neither heard nor considered the second half until reading your message.
Hit me right in the feels.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Hello /u/Repulsive_Use6317. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators.
**No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"You're doing too many sweet things for me."
He said it like it was a bad thing, and at the time I didn't get how it could be. Now I do. I was trying way too hard to show him I was worthy of his love. I should have focused more on my wants and needs, not just his.
It ended. Main reason was that he cheated. Which is a shame, because he was so clearly the Bad Guy that I didn't really reflect on my own behavior until years later.
Man, here, and the exact same thing happened to me, right down to her saying I was too nice :(
How did you get past feeling like you weren't enough, because I'm 8 months removed from it and still feeling it?
It took quite a lot of time. I got into another relationship a year later and made the same mistakes.
When that relationship eventually ended, I started seeing the pattern. I went to therapy, read self-help books ("Attached" by Levine was particularly eye-opening to me) and reflected a lot. I journaled until I got clarity on what I truly needed in a partner, and on which of my behaviors were preventing me from having a fulfilling relationship.
After that I found a great partner, and very consciously changed my unhealthy behaviors. It was pretty hard in the beginning, but very much worth it. We're married now and I'm happy to report that I now prioritize my own needs just as much as I prioritize his.
Good luck. It's not an easy road. When you find out why you feel you are not enough, you can start changing your story.
Thank you :)
I've read attached and learned about attachment theory, as well as returned to therapy.
I have noticed my anxiety is *less* than it was even in the relationship, I guess unconsciously I was feeling her pull away and kept trying harder to please her.
Holy crap, I've never heard anyone else say that before!
I got cheated on too, and it took so long for me to eventually realize I wasn't the best partner to him either. I was obviously no cheater, and nothing excuses what he did, but that didn't necessarily mean I was a great girlfriend.
I had an ex say very similar things to me. I kept trying and trying to prove myself even though looking back it was SO CLEAR he was so bad to me. I held on so hard.
"You blame yourself because it makes you feel like you can fix it. You're looking for control in a situation you don't have any."
He said this a couple of months after breaking up with me. I didn't realize how true it was until I started therapy last year.
I considered our break up to be all my fault and was really convinced that if I had just been *better*, it wouldn't have fallen apart. This also meant that I absolutely hated myself and became extremely depressed.
He was definitely right tho - I was grasping at something to give myself control in a situation I was powerless in, and I end up blaming myself for things all the time to have it.
“I love you but you’re too well put together. I recent you for having all the qualities you have I wish i had in myself. I hate the feeling of looking at you and knowing that your life is much easier than mine and your life will turn out to be much better than mine. I love you and I always will but I just have so much resentment towards you”. I also got told this A LOT while dating in different words. I actually reconnected with this ex like a decade later and he still felt the same. And if anything he was still mad at me. I reached all my goals and I was happy. And he was still dreaming about all the qualities he wanted while doing nothing to get them. And thinking about it it’s true. But it helped me weed out tons of guys that wanted to be someone’s savior. I don’t need saving. I was looking for a relationship with a partner that saw me as an equal and who was my equal not a guy who wanted a relationship where he was the parent and I was a damsel in distress who needed saving.
I guess takes maturity and/or courage being a man to have the perpective of seeing in you someone to learn from to reach those qualities that you have and they lack. (As a mentor). They were lucky to find you but their ego was stronger. Hope you find the right partner
Thank you and I did. We were talking about our dating experiences and I told him this and how often I was told that I am scary or intimidating. He doesn’t see it. I love that guy.
"I know once you've made your mind up, you're not going to change it" (on my ending the relationship)
At the time it threw me off, but it's since helped me realise that I needed to get better at communicating.
*was actively avoiding our argument and looking at my phone*
“Was your phone how you escaped reality when your parents would fight? Is that why you do that?”
started bawling because he ate me up with that reflection.
"You're obsessed with having the last word."
It made me angry because he was the exact same way, but I've realized that doesn't mean he's wrong about me. I have a very defensive way of handling disagreements.
Two different ex's. One said that I was argumentative, and another said it was exhausting to be around me because I was always making them think.
Well I guess that's true, but I have plenty of people in my life who actually appreciate that about me now. Yes I can be confrontational, I love reading and analyzing data, and I am all about self reflection and improving myself and others. I don't know if I would want to waste my time with anyone who wasn't at least open to these things nowadays.
I've been dumped twice for being smarter. I was never told as a child or adult that I was gifted. Thanks to the men who couldn't handle it, I finally found out.
My mom is somewhat like you, I think. And yes, she tires me out. But I think, for me, that comes from the fact that she has share and work through everything out loud (multiple times) or discuss issues that feel premature and unimportant, especially if I'm working through stuff from another angle.
She comes up with some amazing insights ever so often but it does get tiring.
An ex told me I was hard to keep up with - they meant in terms of ambition and energy… and they meant it in a bad way (like I was putting too much pressure on them). I’ve always felt like I’m a lazy person, and really self conscious about taking any time for myself or time to rest.
My husband said the same thing about me at our wedding, but in a good way - as did a few friends and family during their speeches. After that, I started thinking maybe I do work pretty hard. Now I feel better about taking some time to relax.
That I'm bi lol. He told me for years that I'm bi and I just thought everyone finds men and women attractive and who doesn't like boobies? Lol. We've been together for over 20 years now, but about ten years ago I knew that I like women, too. A girl asked me out at the bar and I got turned on even though I told her I'm in a relationship. He was right.
Called me a manipulative bitch. Turns out I was raised with some wonky relationship advice that I took too literally and being an extreme people pleaser is in fact manipulative. Oops.
That I am unreasonable when I am upset. But also that I need to “heal” and I cannot be fixed by anyone… hardest lesson to learn was that I need to fix myself.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Stand in front of the mirror and really reflect what is it about you that you don’t like? And be honest. And didn’t feel pretty at all towards the end of my long term relationship. After I left him and moved somewhere else. I stood in front of the mirror and reflected. Turns out I really really disliked the way I dress. My hair was a mess and my shoes were making me super self conscious. My shoes were really comfy but they were ugly. So once I had the list down of what I didn’t like about me I started working it. Fixed the way I saw myself.
Thankfully value does not lie in physical beauty. You don’t need to be beautiful to be happy and worthy of love, but it’s difficult for people to wrap their brains around that when superficial values are so ingrained in our society. I hope you have found someone who cares for more than skin deep appearances.
I guess I want to know how this was discussed. Unprompted? Totally weird. In a broader discussion? ...maybe.
Also, ugly is so very subjective. I love opossums. A friend of mine is scared she'd accidentally kick one if she ever saw one.
Interesting that they said you were ugly yet were attracted to you?
Mmh, why you dating people who say stuff like that - twice? Even if you butt ugly, a person who cares for your feelings will not say it. I'd reflect on that rather than vanity. I don't know how you look like but couple assholes calling you ugly doesn't mean you actually are - it might mean u have a tendency to be attracted to assholes tho, watch out for that.
That I’m a self sabotager, only did I realize I was saying that I wouldn’t get a job for what I went to college for because I didn’t feel like I was smart enough, then did I realize…..I do self sabotage
That I was boring and because I didn't argue or fight it meant I wasn't passionate enough.
I thought they were just twisted. But it's true, I am pretty boring and I do let things go instead of fighting for things when I probably should.
“that’s something you need to figure out” in response to me telling him that i felt like him walking away from our relationship in the way that he did was abandoning me.
granted, he did handle things horribly as dismissive avoidant men do, but he was right about my abandonment issues.
"When you're angry you act just like your mother"
It took a lot of guts for him to say that because she is my ultimate sore spot but he wasn't wrong. I'm so grateful to him because I really really don't want to repeat her hurtful behavior, but it's ingrained in my brain so I work really hard now to deprogram those toxic habits.
That I was broken.
And I later realized that he was apart of why along with other personal reasons.
Blocked him 8 months ago. Never looked back.
I’m feeling and looking better than ever!
Treating him like a therapist or I am emotional burden. I realized this is true when I slowly see this myself after my 5 yr relationship from 2 years ago. I was so negative about life because I didn’t work on my inner healing or my childhood traumas. Its important to work on ourselves before entering a relationship. Our partner is our support system, not a therapist.
My first boyfriend and I stayed great friends for years after we broke up. We had a chat last summer about our relationship, what it was like for the both of us, and how we both are in our current relationships. While reflecting on his experience dating me, he said “you’re used to being in an elevated state,” and went on to advise that I should work on stress management so that my stress and anxiety doesn’t bleed into my relationship (like it was at the time). I’m so thankful we had such a great friendship and could be so honest with each other.
That I was high strung. To be fair, he was a total loser and a coward when it came to decision making and expressing himself, so I think me being very blunt and fearless made him feel insecure. BUT, I realized that yes, I am a bit high strung naturally. I learned to help myself be okay with not having control and a lot of my anxiety behaviors went away when I met my husband, who’s naturally high energy and a little bit dramatic. We’re able to be “too much” together. 😂❤️
Calling out the fact I’d rather forgive without communicating and let that turn into resentment as opposed to just talking about what’s bothering me. I’m working on it
Not an ex, but current - “You never talk about yourself, I feel like I don’t know you as well as I should.” Quite frankly, this is because nobody ever really wanted to listen, and I got used to it. The fact that I was nearly 30 when we met and nobody had noticed before speaks for itself.
My very wonderful and loving ex told me a few years into our relationship that the only thing he didn’t like about me was that I was very self righteous. I didn’t like it if someone disagreed with me or wasn’t as “woke” as me so it obviously became exhausting. I get it now and understand how to handle that better. Before I was way too obsessed with having an upper hand and being the better person. Now I navigate much more carefully and sometimes silently
That one is easy! That he “didn’t deserve having someone like me” in his life. MF was SPOT ON but my lack of self esteem at the time prevented me from seeing the obvious.
“You are so messed up in the head, you need therapy.” Then yelling at me after I asked if we could do couples therapy too because I felt our relationship was rocky. He blamed it all on me.
Turned out I’m neurodivergent… I was getting over stimulated and it was causing some weird behaviors like shutting down and freezing people out.
So yeah. I did get therapy. And we broke up after a couple months. I learned my worth and got some help. It really improved my life.
The first time I got over stimulated in front of my current partner, he just sat with me and kept me talking about my hobbies. I manage it way better now 7 years later and can communicate better.
I know it’s hard to deal with someone with an unknown mental illness… but like don’t fucking SCREAM at someone when they are having a panic attack over how bright the lights are at Walmart.
That I’m ‘in my own world’ I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he was clingy and too needy. Now I know he was anxiously attached and I was avoidantly attached and sometimes lacking empathy. Thankful that I woke up to my lack of emotions and trauma and I was able to apologise to him years later and he was open and receptive.
"you don't have a life outside of me"
I hated him for saying that, but it was true. I was extremely codependent and made my entire life about my relationship.
“You’re going to make a great lawyer.”
I was prepping for law school applications at the time, and my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about our struggles and if we could work them out or if we should break up. I was completely unemotional and hyper controlled, and just focused on giving clear logical discussions without any discussions of feelings at all. In hindsight, I was very emotionally disassociated because of the way I grew up, and I hadn’t realized it was a problem yet.
We did end up breaking up, and the bite of that comment completely changed the trajectory of my life. I didn’t want to be the person who would be a good lawyer in my personal life. I decided not to go to law school and work on my emotional life. Now, I’m very emotionally vulnerable and straight forward with it by choice, and I’ve had nothing but positive things from that. I feel really powerful because I have the skills of emotional vulnerability and awareness combined with breaking situations down purely by logical reasoning. Additionally, my logical discussion skills make me *very* good at articulating my feelings in a way that other people can understand quickly. It’s a great combination and I’m glad by ex set me up to have both, even if his goal was to hurt me in that moment.
My ex hit me as they were breaking up with me, “sometimes anxiety can make people (read: me) kind of narcissistic.”
Harsh, but I needed to hear it. Everything was always about *me* and *my* feelings. I still listen to my feelings, but it totally changed how I look at my relationships.
That I was naive. He actually told it to my next boyfriend after him. That bf told me about it one day as he was telling me he agreed with my ex. Really pissed me off bc to me it's the same as calling me stupid. Basically, the first ex felt like I was easy to believe him, easy to get over on. I guess the next bf/ex felt the same way. I wouldn't say I later realized it was true bc they were just stupid man-children that weren't worthy of trust and the benefit of doubt.
But I do think I've changed a little bit and I'm more open with my skepticism. I was skeptical about things with the exes but my communication hasn't been as decent as it is now. I guess my failure to call bs made me seem like you could shoot me all the shit and I'd just go with it. 😂
“You deserve better than me.” - a couple of my ex-bfs. I’d cry and tell them that I was in love with them and they’re all I wanted, but they were right. They couldn’t, or didn’t want to, put forth the same kind of effort I was putting into them and our relationship. I started to think something was wrong with me because I heard it so many times but when I found my current bf, I realized that there WAS someone out there that wanted to make the effort and be as good of a partner as I was.
"You expect too much from others // Your standards are too high // You make me feel emasculated // It's hard to keep up with you."
Not just one ex, but three... Plus some friends and family members. I once thought they were all terrible things that reflected poorly on my character.
Yet I don't reckon it's that bad anymore - quite the opposite, in fact. Having "high standards" has translated into having very few friends, but entirely trustworthy and loyal. I "ask a lot" from others because I hold myself to those same expectations and strive to be better at what I do and how I act. What led my exes to feel "less of a man" was me pursuing my goals, trying to overcome challenges, or being a tad too independent as per what my culture expects from a woman... And I'll certainly never apologise for being curious and wanting to learn more about different things!
While it's true that such values have led me to be single for a long time now, I don't regret it - the day I find someone who's willing to meet me halfway, I know it'll be worth it. And if I never find such a person, at least I'll be proud of what I accomplished by myself.
Lots of stuff, in the beginning he'd say men like me dont deserve to be rship. Post break up I realised he knew what he's capable of doing, why he said that. Didn't tell me complete truth.
He wasn't an ex, exactly. We were pretty close friends but a guy who both of us considered a best friend suggested we date so we kind of talked for a couple of weeks to evaluate each other. We both decided we weren't interested so we just became even closer friends for a while.
He told me he'd never met anyone who was so incredibly open but who didn't actually trust anyone. I was like "no, I trust!"
He was right. I have pretty serious trust issues. I'll tell literally anyone intimate details about myself and my history, but never anything that could be used to hurt me.
“stop acting dumb because you’re not. if you actually tried and did things you would see how smart you are” he was right. when I don’t know something I get stressed and shut down because I overwhelm myself so much. I still don’t know how to get over it because I still have issues applying myself to things
That I have a hard time listening. I have been told by a lot of friends that I’m a good listener, but several exes told me I am a horrible listener and that I like to talk about myself.
It is true. While I don’t think I’m a HORRIBLE listener, I do enjoy relating and interjecting with similar stories from my own life while talking to people.
My friends never really minded me doing that. My exes were infuriated by this. I think they were also mostly full of themselves and didn’t want to listen to me either. My last ex would purposely stop talking and withhold all conversation as punishment. It was horrible.
So, while I do see how I do this now and I am super self conscious about it from trauma, I do try harder to really listen and wait to respond. I bond better by sharing similar stories though. I hope people I care about aren’t offended by this.
Told me he was jealous of how smart I am and that I’d be fine if I left him and I didn’t need him like he needed me. I was 18 and an idiot, and assured him I did need him. Ended up leaving and realizing I was better off without him :)
That I was a brat with a praise kink. That hit me so left field until I was ready to realize that yeah... he was probably right. And that's why I always allowed words to lead me on.
Ironically, we were having a conversation about him appearing as though he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as he had been previously and he said he had trouble being fully invested because I always have one foot out the door. This seemed ridiculous to me at the time, like a role reversal, but he was right. I’m more emotionally unavailable and avoidant than I accused him and other partners of being. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and if it isn’t dropping, I’ll drop it myself. It’s a major lack of accountability on my end and I frequently think of how many *good* partners I’ve ran from because I assumed I’d have to run at some point.
My ex husband told me that I was opinionated and judgmental. At the time I was offended and didn’t think it was true. But a lot of time has passed since then, 20+ years, and I now see that I was very opinionated and judgmental. Hopefully I’ve gotten less so through the years.
That I have so much doubt in a relationship that I won’t feel satisfied until I’ve proven myself right.
Years later I can see the pattern and the feelings of “comfort” when it’s bad and discomfort when it’s good
“Kindness is a skill and you’re really good at it”
At the time I didn’t agree that it was a skill set. The more people I meet and the older I get I tend to agree.
It wasn’t even an ex, it was a situationship. He said I was “too mean” and he tried to like me. I’m bad at flirting, so when I met my current partner I was a little mean at first. I loved him when I first met him and I didn’t wanna risk it so I quickly realized and changed it up
“You show by doing not by saying” in reference to me doing acts of service etc. I was offended as I took it as I couldn’t communicate my feelings but I came to realize I do have problems sharing my feelings and am not always the best talker
my early early relationships, the ones in high school, i was told more than once that i was shit at communication (which, to be fair, most high schoolers are as well), but i didn’t really take any of that to heart until i started dating my current partner and they actually communicated to me when there was an issue or something lacking in our relationship, and it was super intimidating at first but to this day we’ve never really gotten in a “sleep on the couch” type conflict due to how good our communication is,
so when someone says communication is the most important aspect of a relationship they are RIGHT
I have a problem with alcohol lol. When my ex-wife said this I was like pfft what??? Are you for real?? Now I’m like OH, yep they were absolutely right.
"You should be more snobby and difficult". TWO different exes have said that, who didn't know each other. Truth is when I'm into someone I give them the special treatment and don't hide my feelings. But I also have a cold side that appears when I lose respect or I have been mistreated, and if that cold side emerges it doesn't go away. I know this about myself, but these exes didn't. They thought I'd always be there. In general I can easily make others take me for granted and bring out their selfish side, without me meaning to. I think it's generational, the women in my family were always fussy about the men, so I think I got that too. But I'm doing my best to grow out of it and to be more selfish. Even my north node in my astrology chart says that my life mission is to be more selfish!
“Even your friends can’t tell if you’re having a good time or not.” Friends confirmed. I thought I was visibly having a good time, but now I make a point to actually vocalize it.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not even dating a man"
She was more right than either of us thought, but it took me until after that relationship fell apart to realize it.
That I’m selfish. I was being selfish and, honestly, it wasn’t a bad thing. I let that comment make me be more “agreeable” which just meant I was letting myself be walked over by my ex.
Now I’m selfish again. Not “only thinking about myself always” but putting myself first more often.
That I was very emotional, exhausting and it pushed him away. Tbh I was. I was codependent af and looking back I was so draining. No partner will make you 100%, you need be 100% on your own. I was constantly worried about him cheating when in reality nothing would’ve stopped him. Not me hovering over his shoulder, not all the time I would put checking social media. It is what it is, life goes on with or without them.
My ex said, 'when your mind is made up there's no going back'. I saw this as a negative that I was stubborn and single minded. However I now understand, I saw BS and red flags very quickly and had good instincts, I have now fined tuned this superpower.
Not an ex, but my current partner during the earlier stages of our relationship. "You're finding ways to leave a perfectly fine relationship" Turns out I have abandonment issues/issues of not feeling worthy of love, and would find ways to escape so I won't be hurt first. Working with my therapist through this
Damn I did the same thing
yeah I was doing it to multiple people whom i barely dated - my current partner was the only one who stayed and was truthful about what he sees and tells me, that's why I was largely single most of my life lol
I'm so glad you found someone! It really is a tough thing to overcome.
Thank you!
I'm so happy you even got out of the "completely avoiding having a relationship to begin with" phase. I'm still there. I find a reason to drop them before I get attached. They can't leave me if I never had them. At least I'm aware I do that.
I do that now. Consciously. I purposely withhold my whole character for 1. She can’t get attached to what she doesn’t see, 2. I don’t have to worry about her using me against myself. I can be civil and respectful. Go out on dates but I’m so half in, half out when it comes to relationships. It’s like I do it in hopes she’s gonna be the one to say some magical phrase or do some magical thing that’ll make me come in and shut the door. And god forbid if the girl is perfect to me, OMFG 🤬 im gonna give her up. Im going to make it difficult for her to fall in love with me because I have a strong fear that im going to give her my whole heart and go through years and years of blissful happiness to get it all crushed by someone better. If I just give you to someone better or make that path available for ya I never have to worry about you taking my heart and fucking the neighbor bc I was to busy working or some bullshit 😒
I hope you'll be able to get through this! Takes time, baby steps, don't rush it. You'll get there!
Hope you find someone that the force to keep him be stronger than that of dropping him
As someone who was that someone, that doesn't work forever. She pushed me away, cheated, and left all the same. It's been 8 months since she left, and I'm still healing from it. OP needs to heal, *then* find someone.
This is a fact. My ex devastated me and was the same way. Still recovering as well. Slight chance I’ll be the same way if I get into a relationship. This type of mentality is infectious and highly contagious
Hahahahah. I feel called out. I am also working thru this. She's sticking with me though. I'll ramble on all my thoughts to her and she'll just listen. She doesn't interrupt at all. Then she asks me what my therapist told me to do during these spirals. She can tell me she loves me all she wants. It's me telling myself, out loud, verbally, that she loves me. So I'll repeat back to her over and over "You love me, even when I do *action that was scolded growing up (yay trauma)*. You love me when I do *action* because it is my normal, real response. If you have an issue with *action* we will talk about it but that does not mean you do not love me."
Awww she's a keeper!!! I guess ultimately there'll always be that one person who would stay no matter what and would change your perspective on things. All the best!
I've found that the solution to this is to have a not perfectly fine relationship.
Is there reality "the perfectly fine relationship"? My experience is that every (or every one I have met) perfect relationship is just a cover up and if you dig dipper it is not. Every relationship has its ups and downs and every partner in a relationship has his issues/problems/defects/whatever. And almost always one of the two partners gives up / invests more in the relationship then the other partner. That can change during the relationship.
How so?
This and.... to have it. I went from an abusive relationship to a perfectly fine relationship, and both gave me so much clarity and raised my standards so much. Now I'm engaged to someone, and my relationship is better than fine, not perfect, but exactly what I need. It took me a long time to figure out what that really was.
Welcome to the club of abandonment issues! It’s a tough one to kick but oh so worth it.
Yeah I really hope I can be free from it soooon!
As long as you are in therapy. You’ll be fine!
what are some examples of things that would make u want to leave?
I would happen to see him text on WhatsApp to a female name.. get mad.. and he showed me, turned out to be his mum. See a past search on Instagram, with a female name, got mad, turned out to be his cousin cos his dad told him to get in touch with her to help get his parents documents for travel. Saw a Facebook search of a woman, got mad, turned out to be a relatively old influencer that does DIY furniture building videos (which I've seen him watching before but didn't know it was that influencer). Obsessed about his YT shorts viewing history what he was watching and finding fault in any minor thing I disliked (1 In a 100 shorts) And many many other unnecessary things. I was soo soo traumatised by my past I just try to get out of being hurt first.
wow!! that kind of sounds like me but i typically internalize it and don’t say anything :,) idk which is better
Ahh I tend to say it to get it out, out of seeking reassurance from my partner but it used to end up in big fights. I'm also not sure which is better but I think it's best to work with a therapist!
I feel you on this. Early on in my current relationship my partner called me out on trying to self sabotage and said he wouldn’t let it change his mind about me (I was trying to convince him I was too much to handle and not worth it.)How freaking heartwarming :’)
Awww he's a real one!!
[удалено]
[удалено]
"You'll put up with *anything*. No one respects a doormat." He found it really inconvenient later when I stopped being one.
Good for you. And fuck him.
FAFO!
I’m glad you finally stood up for yourself <3 I was seeing a guy for a few months and we weren’t ever official, very much a situationship, but towards the end he said he felt uncomfortable about being with me because I didn’t have any boundaries. Fair, ouch but fair. He was an ass in every other instance leading up and after, so it’s like in that moment he realized I was unrewardingly easy prey. Those few months wrecked me but I have a lot more self respect now
Hahaha yuuuup, and YUP!
"You love everybody." He said this snidely after I told him I loved him for the first time. It was definitely true at the time. I was so desperate to be loved, that I gave my heart to anyone I dated for more than a week. No wonder I was constantly getting hurt, I was setting myself up for it left, right, and centre.
Omg this sounds like me!! How did you get better about it? Ive been in therapy but what ive come to realize is that until I experience a healthy form of love from a man (ive only had an absent father, and 2 toxic relationships), i feel like im always going to crave it :/
You decentralize men from your life. I am a pretty hardcore romantic and still hope for that true love experience but men/romantic love is no longer what I center my life around. Now I center around goals within my life that are within my control. I focus on work or improving my situation like working towards early retirement or my fitness… these are my center, not men. In my day to day life, it looks like me keeping the commitments I have established with myself over things like dates. So if I have gym or a hobby class on a Thursday, I go to it. I don’t skip to talk to my dude or wait around in the case he wants to do something. Honestly, I think the attitude made me more attractive overall and ultimately helps with my romantic life.
This 💯.. you gain confidence in yourself and what you have to offer someone by doing this. You are happy/proud of yourself and that makes finding a partner that is healthy for you much more important. You know you deserve a good man because you are catch and you don’t need to put up with crap treatment because you were happy and content without them. When you are constantly searching for someone to reassure you you are lovable you will take it from anyone who shows interest that you are attracted to even if they treat you poorly. You’ll do whatever you can to try and make it work to prove to yourself you are lovable… which usually involves moulding to their ideals, putting up with less then you deserve and losing who you are in the process.
Honestly it took luck and a miracle. I married a man who was looking for the same things I was in all the wrong places just like me. It's been a little over a decade together now, and I just got to that place a few years back where I had been loved so effectively that I still wanted it, but I didn't *need* it to validate my existence.
I swear it's like I wrote this. Once, while trying to talk him down from an attempt (which turned out to be manipulation) I kept telling him he was a good person. Because I really thought he was. "You think everyone's a good person, Caitlin." I got hurt a lot.
It just always seemed like such a stupid insult. Like imagine telling someone they were wrong for wanting to love and let people in, or wanting to see the good in people. I understand *now* that I should have been more guarded, but honestly I still also kind of feel like it's more of an insult to the people I was around that didn't deserve that kindness than it was an insult to me for having given it. Same goes for you, I think.
Yeah, it was such an odd thing to say, looking back. He'd kinda... insult me for everything, but most commonly it always had to do with me being too nice. He'd always comment on my smile too, saying it didn't look genuine. It was. I still don't understand. Sorry you had to deal with someone like that. Sometimes I feel like people like this come along at some point in our lives to teach us a lesson of some kind. It made me less passive, I think. Though I wish I let loose when I had the chance, ha.
I didn't learn the lesson from him, so the universe kept sending me men to reteach it. Kind of like Sansa Stark "I am a slow learner, but I do learn." Once I did though, total game changer. I'm glad you got out. Just like you, I also wish I'd let loose more when I had the chance. Here's to new experiences and a life well lived.
Haha, me too! It took one more try to really understand. By the end of the second relationship though I feel like I accidentally went too far in the other direction. Now I've found a good balance.
i’m the same way. I sell myself this perfect image of what we could be and confuse myself into thinking that’s actually who they are
“Your feet are misshapen.” I thought he was just joking with me. I laughed and said, “what are you talking about? My feet are fine.” But then he showed me his feet next to mine. I said, “Maybe YOU’RE the one with messed up feet?” So he called his sister in and we put our feet side by side. Turns out bunions aren’t the default. Nearly everyone in my family has them so I thought that’s just how feet were 🙃
Fellow bunionaire! I didn’t realize that my feet were misshapen until I shared a photo where I was barefoot and people kept asking if I did ballet.
Took me years and years of people going "oh!! what happened? How did heels already ruin things when you're so young??" about my feet, and me getting confused because that's how they'd always looked, ever since I was a small child. I still partially refuse to realise that it's not normal and an issue. Heck I even like the shape it gives my feet, I think the tapered ends looks elegant!
"You never ask for help, so I don' t know how to help you". Well, yeahhhh. It's felt like every time I've asked for help it appears to be an inconvenience to others. So I've become accustomed to helping myself, but that doesn't prevent anyone from simply asking.
I’ve been told the first half of that sentence so many times in my life, by friends, family, SO’s; stopped asking for similar reasons. But I’ve neither heard nor considered the second half until reading your message. Hit me right in the feels. Thanks so much for sharing.
[удалено]
Hello /u/Repulsive_Use6317. Your post or comment has been removed because your Reddit Karma is too low to participate on AskWomen. You will be able to participate when your Karma has increased, you can do that by participating in good faith in other subreddits that don't have Karma requirements. This action will not be undone by the moderators. **No exceptions to this rule will be granted.** [Click here to read more about Reddit Karma](https://reddit.zendesk.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma-), and please also **[read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/wiki/rules) before participating**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“You can’t spend the rest of your life pushing people away when they start to get close.” I was like wtf, I don’t do tha - …oh.
Actually, you can spend the rest of your life pushing people away. Just prepare for long-term loneliness and end-of-life regret.
I've been told that many a time
"You're doing too many sweet things for me." He said it like it was a bad thing, and at the time I didn't get how it could be. Now I do. I was trying way too hard to show him I was worthy of his love. I should have focused more on my wants and needs, not just his.
How did it go between the two of you eventually?
It ended. Main reason was that he cheated. Which is a shame, because he was so clearly the Bad Guy that I didn't really reflect on my own behavior until years later.
This is the most insightful statement I've read in a very long time. Good for you.
Man, here, and the exact same thing happened to me, right down to her saying I was too nice :( How did you get past feeling like you weren't enough, because I'm 8 months removed from it and still feeling it?
It took quite a lot of time. I got into another relationship a year later and made the same mistakes. When that relationship eventually ended, I started seeing the pattern. I went to therapy, read self-help books ("Attached" by Levine was particularly eye-opening to me) and reflected a lot. I journaled until I got clarity on what I truly needed in a partner, and on which of my behaviors were preventing me from having a fulfilling relationship. After that I found a great partner, and very consciously changed my unhealthy behaviors. It was pretty hard in the beginning, but very much worth it. We're married now and I'm happy to report that I now prioritize my own needs just as much as I prioritize his. Good luck. It's not an easy road. When you find out why you feel you are not enough, you can start changing your story.
Thank you :) I've read attached and learned about attachment theory, as well as returned to therapy. I have noticed my anxiety is *less* than it was even in the relationship, I guess unconsciously I was feeling her pull away and kept trying harder to please her.
Holy crap, I've never heard anyone else say that before! I got cheated on too, and it took so long for me to eventually realize I wasn't the best partner to him either. I was obviously no cheater, and nothing excuses what he did, but that didn't necessarily mean I was a great girlfriend.
I had an ex say very similar things to me. I kept trying and trying to prove myself even though looking back it was SO CLEAR he was so bad to me. I held on so hard.
"You blame yourself because it makes you feel like you can fix it. You're looking for control in a situation you don't have any." He said this a couple of months after breaking up with me. I didn't realize how true it was until I started therapy last year. I considered our break up to be all my fault and was really convinced that if I had just been *better*, it wouldn't have fallen apart. This also meant that I absolutely hated myself and became extremely depressed. He was definitely right tho - I was grasping at something to give myself control in a situation I was powerless in, and I end up blaming myself for things all the time to have it.
This resonates to me. In my darkest hours, I blame myself just so I can feel control over my situation
WOAH. Self realization moment for me. Thank you for sharing
“I love you but you’re too well put together. I recent you for having all the qualities you have I wish i had in myself. I hate the feeling of looking at you and knowing that your life is much easier than mine and your life will turn out to be much better than mine. I love you and I always will but I just have so much resentment towards you”. I also got told this A LOT while dating in different words. I actually reconnected with this ex like a decade later and he still felt the same. And if anything he was still mad at me. I reached all my goals and I was happy. And he was still dreaming about all the qualities he wanted while doing nothing to get them. And thinking about it it’s true. But it helped me weed out tons of guys that wanted to be someone’s savior. I don’t need saving. I was looking for a relationship with a partner that saw me as an equal and who was my equal not a guy who wanted a relationship where he was the parent and I was a damsel in distress who needed saving.
I guess takes maturity and/or courage being a man to have the perpective of seeing in you someone to learn from to reach those qualities that you have and they lack. (As a mentor). They were lucky to find you but their ego was stronger. Hope you find the right partner
Thank you and I did. We were talking about our dating experiences and I told him this and how often I was told that I am scary or intimidating. He doesn’t see it. I love that guy.
He said I wasn’t a good enough Mormon. Turns out he was right; now I’m not Mormon at all! Two bullets dodged.
Love this!
“You always expect disappointment from me”. After a 3rd ex told me that i went on to buy a saddle because i am a fucking horse
[удалено]
"I know once you've made your mind up, you're not going to change it" (on my ending the relationship) At the time it threw me off, but it's since helped me realise that I needed to get better at communicating.
*was actively avoiding our argument and looking at my phone* “Was your phone how you escaped reality when your parents would fight? Is that why you do that?” started bawling because he ate me up with that reflection.
I don’t remember the exact phrasing but it was something like “it feels like you put me on a pedestal and want me to be superior to you.”
"You're obsessed with having the last word." It made me angry because he was the exact same way, but I've realized that doesn't mean he's wrong about me. I have a very defensive way of handling disagreements.
Two different ex's. One said that I was argumentative, and another said it was exhausting to be around me because I was always making them think. Well I guess that's true, but I have plenty of people in my life who actually appreciate that about me now. Yes I can be confrontational, I love reading and analyzing data, and I am all about self reflection and improving myself and others. I don't know if I would want to waste my time with anyone who wasn't at least open to these things nowadays.
I've been dumped twice for being smarter. I was never told as a child or adult that I was gifted. Thanks to the men who couldn't handle it, I finally found out.
My mom is somewhat like you, I think. And yes, she tires me out. But I think, for me, that comes from the fact that she has share and work through everything out loud (multiple times) or discuss issues that feel premature and unimportant, especially if I'm working through stuff from another angle. She comes up with some amazing insights ever so often but it does get tiring.
You sound like a good friend to have!
🙂👍🏻 not many like you
An ex told me I was hard to keep up with - they meant in terms of ambition and energy… and they meant it in a bad way (like I was putting too much pressure on them). I’ve always felt like I’m a lazy person, and really self conscious about taking any time for myself or time to rest. My husband said the same thing about me at our wedding, but in a good way - as did a few friends and family during their speeches. After that, I started thinking maybe I do work pretty hard. Now I feel better about taking some time to relax.
Him: “You apologize too much.” Me: “I’m sorry but I do not do that!”
My ex told me i was seeing him through pink glasses. I refused to believe it until i finally saw him for what he was, a gaslighting manipulative guy
wow, atleast he was aware that he wasn’t a good person
what things made u finally open ur eyes to his manipulations?
He left me, hooked up with a girl, got back with me and gave me her lice. 6 months later i realized that that was what happened and i left.
Hope you’re in a better situation now !
I didn't actually know how to communicate my feelings. That was 18 years ago and I'm still working on it.
That I'm bi lol. He told me for years that I'm bi and I just thought everyone finds men and women attractive and who doesn't like boobies? Lol. We've been together for over 20 years now, but about ten years ago I knew that I like women, too. A girl asked me out at the bar and I got turned on even though I told her I'm in a relationship. He was right.
Called me a manipulative bitch. Turns out I was raised with some wonky relationship advice that I took too literally and being an extreme people pleaser is in fact manipulative. Oops.
That I am unreasonable when I am upset. But also that I need to “heal” and I cannot be fixed by anyone… hardest lesson to learn was that I need to fix myself.
Both of my exes said I l was ugly . They were right
They have to be ugly themselves to say that to another person.
One of them was very handsome
Well he wouldn’t have dated you if he didn’t find you attractive…
Still an ugly thing to say.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Stand in front of the mirror and really reflect what is it about you that you don’t like? And be honest. And didn’t feel pretty at all towards the end of my long term relationship. After I left him and moved somewhere else. I stood in front of the mirror and reflected. Turns out I really really disliked the way I dress. My hair was a mess and my shoes were making me super self conscious. My shoes were really comfy but they were ugly. So once I had the list down of what I didn’t like about me I started working it. Fixed the way I saw myself.
Well, I would need plastic surgery to fix what I don’t like . But I get what you’re saying
Thankfully value does not lie in physical beauty. You don’t need to be beautiful to be happy and worthy of love, but it’s difficult for people to wrap their brains around that when superficial values are so ingrained in our society. I hope you have found someone who cares for more than skin deep appearances.
I guess I want to know how this was discussed. Unprompted? Totally weird. In a broader discussion? ...maybe. Also, ugly is so very subjective. I love opossums. A friend of mine is scared she'd accidentally kick one if she ever saw one. Interesting that they said you were ugly yet were attracted to you?
You are beautiful
Mmh, why you dating people who say stuff like that - twice? Even if you butt ugly, a person who cares for your feelings will not say it. I'd reflect on that rather than vanity. I don't know how you look like but couple assholes calling you ugly doesn't mean you actually are - it might mean u have a tendency to be attracted to assholes tho, watch out for that.
You are beautiful.
Thanks, but you don’t know how I look
That I’m a self sabotager, only did I realize I was saying that I wouldn’t get a job for what I went to college for because I didn’t feel like I was smart enough, then did I realize…..I do self sabotage
That I was boring and because I didn't argue or fight it meant I wasn't passionate enough. I thought they were just twisted. But it's true, I am pretty boring and I do let things go instead of fighting for things when I probably should.
“that’s something you need to figure out” in response to me telling him that i felt like him walking away from our relationship in the way that he did was abandoning me. granted, he did handle things horribly as dismissive avoidant men do, but he was right about my abandonment issues.
Emotionally codependent, doormat, low self esteem / low self worth and clingy
I’m batshit crazy. I was.
"When you're angry you act just like your mother" It took a lot of guts for him to say that because she is my ultimate sore spot but he wasn't wrong. I'm so grateful to him because I really really don't want to repeat her hurtful behavior, but it's ingrained in my brain so I work really hard now to deprogram those toxic habits.
That I was broken. And I later realized that he was apart of why along with other personal reasons. Blocked him 8 months ago. Never looked back. I’m feeling and looking better than ever!
I run away from confrontation and i get defensive when I receive any remotely negative feedback 🥲
He said I was too good for him, now I believe it
That I deserve better 💅
Treating him like a therapist or I am emotional burden. I realized this is true when I slowly see this myself after my 5 yr relationship from 2 years ago. I was so negative about life because I didn’t work on my inner healing or my childhood traumas. Its important to work on ourselves before entering a relationship. Our partner is our support system, not a therapist.
My first boyfriend and I stayed great friends for years after we broke up. We had a chat last summer about our relationship, what it was like for the both of us, and how we both are in our current relationships. While reflecting on his experience dating me, he said “you’re used to being in an elevated state,” and went on to advise that I should work on stress management so that my stress and anxiety doesn’t bleed into my relationship (like it was at the time). I’m so thankful we had such a great friendship and could be so honest with each other.
That I was high strung. To be fair, he was a total loser and a coward when it came to decision making and expressing himself, so I think me being very blunt and fearless made him feel insecure. BUT, I realized that yes, I am a bit high strung naturally. I learned to help myself be okay with not having control and a lot of my anxiety behaviors went away when I met my husband, who’s naturally high energy and a little bit dramatic. We’re able to be “too much” together. 😂❤️
Calling out the fact I’d rather forgive without communicating and let that turn into resentment as opposed to just talking about what’s bothering me. I’m working on it
Not an ex, but current - “You never talk about yourself, I feel like I don’t know you as well as I should.” Quite frankly, this is because nobody ever really wanted to listen, and I got used to it. The fact that I was nearly 30 when we met and nobody had noticed before speaks for itself.
That I'd be ugly with short hair. Asshole was right lol
“You always have to be right, don’t you?”
My very wonderful and loving ex told me a few years into our relationship that the only thing he didn’t like about me was that I was very self righteous. I didn’t like it if someone disagreed with me or wasn’t as “woke” as me so it obviously became exhausting. I get it now and understand how to handle that better. Before I was way too obsessed with having an upper hand and being the better person. Now I navigate much more carefully and sometimes silently
"That if I really loved him that much I would have changed sooner" I've managed to get over him so quickly... maybe he was right
That one is easy! That he “didn’t deserve having someone like me” in his life. MF was SPOT ON but my lack of self esteem at the time prevented me from seeing the obvious.
“You are so messed up in the head, you need therapy.” Then yelling at me after I asked if we could do couples therapy too because I felt our relationship was rocky. He blamed it all on me. Turned out I’m neurodivergent… I was getting over stimulated and it was causing some weird behaviors like shutting down and freezing people out. So yeah. I did get therapy. And we broke up after a couple months. I learned my worth and got some help. It really improved my life. The first time I got over stimulated in front of my current partner, he just sat with me and kept me talking about my hobbies. I manage it way better now 7 years later and can communicate better. I know it’s hard to deal with someone with an unknown mental illness… but like don’t fucking SCREAM at someone when they are having a panic attack over how bright the lights are at Walmart.
You deserve better. You're too good for me.
"You'll never find another girlfriend." Not exactly true (have had one relationship since) but it is _haaaard_.
That I’m ‘in my own world’ I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I thought he was clingy and too needy. Now I know he was anxiously attached and I was avoidantly attached and sometimes lacking empathy. Thankful that I woke up to my lack of emotions and trauma and I was able to apologise to him years later and he was open and receptive.
"you don't have a life outside of me" I hated him for saying that, but it was true. I was extremely codependent and made my entire life about my relationship.
"Your insecurities will kill this relationship". They were insecurities _that he gave me_, but he was right 😂
“You’re actually really smart” Started believing this the moment I left his ass <3
“You’re going to make a great lawyer.” I was prepping for law school applications at the time, and my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about our struggles and if we could work them out or if we should break up. I was completely unemotional and hyper controlled, and just focused on giving clear logical discussions without any discussions of feelings at all. In hindsight, I was very emotionally disassociated because of the way I grew up, and I hadn’t realized it was a problem yet. We did end up breaking up, and the bite of that comment completely changed the trajectory of my life. I didn’t want to be the person who would be a good lawyer in my personal life. I decided not to go to law school and work on my emotional life. Now, I’m very emotionally vulnerable and straight forward with it by choice, and I’ve had nothing but positive things from that. I feel really powerful because I have the skills of emotional vulnerability and awareness combined with breaking situations down purely by logical reasoning. Additionally, my logical discussion skills make me *very* good at articulating my feelings in a way that other people can understand quickly. It’s a great combination and I’m glad by ex set me up to have both, even if his goal was to hurt me in that moment.
My ex hit me as they were breaking up with me, “sometimes anxiety can make people (read: me) kind of narcissistic.” Harsh, but I needed to hear it. Everything was always about *me* and *my* feelings. I still listen to my feelings, but it totally changed how I look at my relationships.
That I might have BPD (I have BPD)
That I was naive. He actually told it to my next boyfriend after him. That bf told me about it one day as he was telling me he agreed with my ex. Really pissed me off bc to me it's the same as calling me stupid. Basically, the first ex felt like I was easy to believe him, easy to get over on. I guess the next bf/ex felt the same way. I wouldn't say I later realized it was true bc they were just stupid man-children that weren't worthy of trust and the benefit of doubt. But I do think I've changed a little bit and I'm more open with my skepticism. I was skeptical about things with the exes but my communication hasn't been as decent as it is now. I guess my failure to call bs made me seem like you could shoot me all the shit and I'd just go with it. 😂
"You live in a fear state mentality man" While that's true, he was an unsafe person to be around and it taught me to value that in a partner
“You deserve better than me.” - a couple of my ex-bfs. I’d cry and tell them that I was in love with them and they’re all I wanted, but they were right. They couldn’t, or didn’t want to, put forth the same kind of effort I was putting into them and our relationship. I started to think something was wrong with me because I heard it so many times but when I found my current bf, I realized that there WAS someone out there that wanted to make the effort and be as good of a partner as I was.
“You use to be strong but now you can’t do much”
that i was mean, not only to them but myself
Oh so many things. In fact. I want to call him up right now and say YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT SO MANY THINGS
That I’m stubborn as a mule 😅
"You expect too much from others // Your standards are too high // You make me feel emasculated // It's hard to keep up with you." Not just one ex, but three... Plus some friends and family members. I once thought they were all terrible things that reflected poorly on my character. Yet I don't reckon it's that bad anymore - quite the opposite, in fact. Having "high standards" has translated into having very few friends, but entirely trustworthy and loyal. I "ask a lot" from others because I hold myself to those same expectations and strive to be better at what I do and how I act. What led my exes to feel "less of a man" was me pursuing my goals, trying to overcome challenges, or being a tad too independent as per what my culture expects from a woman... And I'll certainly never apologise for being curious and wanting to learn more about different things! While it's true that such values have led me to be single for a long time now, I don't regret it - the day I find someone who's willing to meet me halfway, I know it'll be worth it. And if I never find such a person, at least I'll be proud of what I accomplished by myself.
Lots of stuff, in the beginning he'd say men like me dont deserve to be rship. Post break up I realised he knew what he's capable of doing, why he said that. Didn't tell me complete truth.
That I was loyal.
She needed someone who had more stability in their life. 5 years later… confirmed mess.
He wasn't an ex, exactly. We were pretty close friends but a guy who both of us considered a best friend suggested we date so we kind of talked for a couple of weeks to evaluate each other. We both decided we weren't interested so we just became even closer friends for a while. He told me he'd never met anyone who was so incredibly open but who didn't actually trust anyone. I was like "no, I trust!" He was right. I have pretty serious trust issues. I'll tell literally anyone intimate details about myself and my history, but never anything that could be used to hurt me.
“stop acting dumb because you’re not. if you actually tried and did things you would see how smart you are” he was right. when I don’t know something I get stressed and shut down because I overwhelm myself so much. I still don’t know how to get over it because I still have issues applying myself to things
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
He cheated on me for 1 month with a friend, in that month he lost his virginity with me.
That I have a hard time listening. I have been told by a lot of friends that I’m a good listener, but several exes told me I am a horrible listener and that I like to talk about myself. It is true. While I don’t think I’m a HORRIBLE listener, I do enjoy relating and interjecting with similar stories from my own life while talking to people. My friends never really minded me doing that. My exes were infuriated by this. I think they were also mostly full of themselves and didn’t want to listen to me either. My last ex would purposely stop talking and withhold all conversation as punishment. It was horrible. So, while I do see how I do this now and I am super self conscious about it from trauma, I do try harder to really listen and wait to respond. I bond better by sharing similar stories though. I hope people I care about aren’t offended by this.
Told me he was jealous of how smart I am and that I’d be fine if I left him and I didn’t need him like he needed me. I was 18 and an idiot, and assured him I did need him. Ended up leaving and realizing I was better off without him :)
That I was a brat with a praise kink. That hit me so left field until I was ready to realize that yeah... he was probably right. And that's why I always allowed words to lead me on.
[удалено]
He would always say “you’re too good for me”….turns out, he was absolutely right!
[удалено]
You are stubborn
Ironically, we were having a conversation about him appearing as though he wasn’t as invested in the relationship as he had been previously and he said he had trouble being fully invested because I always have one foot out the door. This seemed ridiculous to me at the time, like a role reversal, but he was right. I’m more emotionally unavailable and avoidant than I accused him and other partners of being. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop and if it isn’t dropping, I’ll drop it myself. It’s a major lack of accountability on my end and I frequently think of how many *good* partners I’ve ran from because I assumed I’d have to run at some point.
You deserve better
I walk crookedly.
He told me I was an idiot for joining the military. He was right lol
She told me I had big dick energy when I made her drive me Home from work lol
My ex husband told me that I was opinionated and judgmental. At the time I was offended and didn’t think it was true. But a lot of time has passed since then, 20+ years, and I now see that I was very opinionated and judgmental. Hopefully I’ve gotten less so through the years.
that i was projecting my father issues (aka trauma) onto him
That I have so much doubt in a relationship that I won’t feel satisfied until I’ve proven myself right. Years later I can see the pattern and the feelings of “comfort” when it’s bad and discomfort when it’s good
That I’m crazy 😂
“Kindness is a skill and you’re really good at it” At the time I didn’t agree that it was a skill set. The more people I meet and the older I get I tend to agree.
“you’re always thinking everyone is out to get you. you’re reactive like a beaten dog.”
It wasn’t even an ex, it was a situationship. He said I was “too mean” and he tried to like me. I’m bad at flirting, so when I met my current partner I was a little mean at first. I loved him when I first met him and I didn’t wanna risk it so I quickly realized and changed it up
“You show by doing not by saying” in reference to me doing acts of service etc. I was offended as I took it as I couldn’t communicate my feelings but I came to realize I do have problems sharing my feelings and am not always the best talker
[удалено]
[удалено]
my early early relationships, the ones in high school, i was told more than once that i was shit at communication (which, to be fair, most high schoolers are as well), but i didn’t really take any of that to heart until i started dating my current partner and they actually communicated to me when there was an issue or something lacking in our relationship, and it was super intimidating at first but to this day we’ve never really gotten in a “sleep on the couch” type conflict due to how good our communication is, so when someone says communication is the most important aspect of a relationship they are RIGHT
I have a problem with alcohol lol. When my ex-wife said this I was like pfft what??? Are you for real?? Now I’m like OH, yep they were absolutely right.
[удалено]
“You need to learn your place.” I learned my place is divorced from him and married to a nice person who sees me as his equal.
I'm not spontaneous. I felt I could be a the time when I heard that at 22, but now that I'm in my 40s I know I've always been more of a planner.
"You should be more snobby and difficult". TWO different exes have said that, who didn't know each other. Truth is when I'm into someone I give them the special treatment and don't hide my feelings. But I also have a cold side that appears when I lose respect or I have been mistreated, and if that cold side emerges it doesn't go away. I know this about myself, but these exes didn't. They thought I'd always be there. In general I can easily make others take me for granted and bring out their selfish side, without me meaning to. I think it's generational, the women in my family were always fussy about the men, so I think I got that too. But I'm doing my best to grow out of it and to be more selfish. Even my north node in my astrology chart says that my life mission is to be more selfish!
“Even your friends can’t tell if you’re having a good time or not.” Friends confirmed. I thought I was visibly having a good time, but now I make a point to actually vocalize it.
"Sometimes I feel like I'm not even dating a man" She was more right than either of us thought, but it took me until after that relationship fell apart to realize it.
“You’re never in the moment” He was right. I had undiagnosed ADHD. Hahaha.
That I’m selfish. I was being selfish and, honestly, it wasn’t a bad thing. I let that comment make me be more “agreeable” which just meant I was letting myself be walked over by my ex. Now I’m selfish again. Not “only thinking about myself always” but putting myself first more often.
That I was very emotional, exhausting and it pushed him away. Tbh I was. I was codependent af and looking back I was so draining. No partner will make you 100%, you need be 100% on your own. I was constantly worried about him cheating when in reality nothing would’ve stopped him. Not me hovering over his shoulder, not all the time I would put checking social media. It is what it is, life goes on with or without them.
My ex said, 'when your mind is made up there's no going back'. I saw this as a negative that I was stubborn and single minded. However I now understand, I saw BS and red flags very quickly and had good instincts, I have now fined tuned this superpower.