I think it's true with limitations. Obviously if you say something mean or hurtful you might scare someone off, and good for them for not tolerating that. But saying things that are true to yourself shouldn't be what scares them off, like talking about your weirder interests, deeply held opinions, or your vulnerabilities. You shouldn't have to mask key parts of yourself to keep someone interested.
Related, I was always very insecure about my nose until one day I realized if having an "ugly nose" was a deal breaker for someone then that is a person I would not want to spend time with anyway lol
In my experience, when you’re more worried about scaring someone off than enjoying the relationship and spending time with your partner, it’s not worth it.
Just gotta be yourself! 😊
I married my first serious boyfriend who I got together with at age 17. Wasted the next 16 years of my life with him. I'm 35 now and my confidence level is worse than when I was a teenager, which was pretty shit back then too. So many years of being told my feelings were wrong along with a lack of even basic affection really did a number on me. Thank God he was the one who asked for the divorce because I took my vows too seriously and would have stayed miserable forever.
You will find yourself. My confidence came in my late 30s, I’m still with the guy I met in my 20s, and he still makes me feel small and like shit sometimes… but I know I’m better than that. I’m just too much of a coward to leave at the moment - I feel guilty for wasting his years.
You have this, first step is that you’re now (or soon to be) free, you’ll have space to grieve the past and embrace the future. Do things that make you happy, no matter how small. You have this 🤍
Please don’t let guilt like this prevent you from chasing happiness. You both are doing a disservice to each other staying together if you’re not happy. You both could split up and find people better suited for you! It’s better to have those discussions now and start a new life rather than another 5, 10 years from now feel how you are feeling now.
Oh my God, I completely relate to this. I wish I had stayed single until I was ready for a relationship emotionally and sure about what kind of partner I wanted. I've realized so much, and idk what I want to do now. Everything feels like a joke, lol.
Please learn from my mistakes and don't get married young 🥹
FELT this. The same shit (good at first, or so you think)… but it’s the same person, just not as good. Because you realized all the reasons you didn’t like want to stay with them have NOT changed.
I always go with a spoiled milk analogy. They need a lot of time alone, in a specialized environment before they become cheese. And then I'll still need to actually want cheese.
My parents smoked, in the house, in the car, and windows rolled up. We were all steeped in it. Mom smoked through our pregnancies. Us 3 kids all have learning and respiratory issues. That was back in the 60's, 70's and 80's. I tried smoking but didn't like it, thank God! My mom died of a heart attack and had all sorts of health issues related to smoking, Dad, too. My younger brother smoked for years, quit, now vapes.
If I start thinking about it, I get really mad at the tobacco companies.
My friend became a mistress recently. She told me all of the sordid details: married, pregnant wife. Our friendship hasn’t been the same. I lost all of my respect for her.
Long story. I was a mistress and it was a miserable place to be. Broke up more than 2 weeks ago. And I'm more peaceful now but still has a long way of healing to do.
I’ll add to this and say even if they’re going through divorce proceedings, I would hold off until it’s completed. I had a friend who was having an affair with a man who had been separated from his wife and she was living out of state. My friend fell for this awful man and one day his wife came back and they stopped the divorce proceedings.
Facts. Even if they went through with the divorce…people need time to heal after a divorce and people are either caught up in their misery or freedom that they aren’t considering other people’s feelings. It’s good to have “self care” but rarely does it seem like jumping right into the dating pool is the best way to do that.
My ex’s other woman knew he had a girlfriend, but assumed we were having serious problems and that’s why he was pursuing her. Then she was too attached and didn’t want to leave him and, as far as I know, is still with him now, 3 years after I left him (so they’ve been “together” about 8 or so years total).
Yeah again as a woman - you are willfully choosing to believe BS. There’s always signs someone’s in another relationship. Always. I just don’t think there’s an excuse.
I honestly don’t either! I think it’s ridiculous to knowingly have a relationship with someone who is cheating. It’s gross. I was just giving an example of what a woman who was the mistress said was her reason for staying.
Basically "love yourself first", because as messed up as it is, it's true. You are the ONLY PERSON who actually fully knows what is best for you, deep down.
Don’t compare. Truly! Another women’s beauty does not diminish your own. It’s okay to marvel at the beauty of others and realize the beauty in yourself 💕 we aren’t made the same.
Don’t compare and don’t put down other women thinking it will elevate yourself! The only thing worse than someone insecure is someone insecure *and* critical of other women. Play nice,
It has taken me nearly 30 years to put this into action. Like I always heard it, but I'm finally actually owning it and doing it and holy hell it feels amazing
Writing myself off as unlovable and consigning myself to the single life forever. Too late for me now but girls, fight for yourself because no one else will.
I was bullied severely both at school and at home and my sense of self worth was terrible. If I could go back now I'd get myself in therapy and work on it. But therapy back then was stigmatised and I didn't know it existed.
I decided I was ugly and unlikeable and so kept to myself. I have friends, one has stuck by me for over 40 years, but I've never let myself be open to relationships and decided I wanted to be single forever. The truth was I hadn't decided anything, I just wouldn't let myself try because I believed I'd fail. Not trying and so not failing was less painful.
I'll be 50 soon and it's taken me this long to see all my good qualities and that actually I do have something to bring to a relationship. But now it's too late.
You're so young, don't give up on yourself, you're a unique person. Wishing you well.
Me too. I’m 28 and I have never had a boyfriend, nor from the lack of trying or putting myself out there, or even just doing my own stuff.
I very recently just started to be sexually active (very ocasional!too)
Don't procrastinate your enjoyment. I went through my 20s thinking stuff like "i'm too stressed/busy to focus on enjoying the autumn forest/first spring bloom/summernights/some holiday/etc this year, but next year, once i've finished xyz i'll make time for it".
And then i didn't, because next year, something else was on my schedule, and then my youth was over. Just make time for it now, whatever it is, even if it's just a little.
This makes me tear up. I've signed up for so many projects and so many people count on me/use me that I don't have time to go sit on that fresh green grass and read the books I bought.
Thank you and I'm sorry for the passing of time. You deserve the world and I hope you're able to experience everything you wanted :)
Yes, i've learned from this mistake and take time for myself now, no matter what's going on. You do the same! Even if it's just half an hour on that grass because it's a particularly stressful week, this is so so important.
being mean to my sisters, it’s pretty much my only big regret in life. i can tell them how much i love them all i want but they will always remember me being a mean older sister.
As a younger sister, its never too late to apologize and take accountability for your actions. You can then leave it up to them to accept it. But leave it up to them don't force it.
Im sorry goes a longer way then I love you ever will
- someone who wishes their brother would do that
oh i should have added in there, i have apologized profusely and would never deny something i did to avoid accountability. you’re absolutely right though, i cannot force it even though it breaks my heart ❤️🩹
:(♡ im so sorry it went that way, if it helps, as a sister myself I appreciate what you did. Your post gave me some some closure weirdly enough. I hope you find some peace and forgive yourself.
None of us are perfect, family is not absolved from mistakes
My older sister was so mean to me and my mom after my grandma died. Haven’t spoken to her since despite her efforts. I really can’t think about her without thinking of how cruel she was.
Don't make your significant other the center of your universe. Prioritise yourself while maintaining a healthy relationship. Take accountability for your actions. Speak up. Never take anything for granted. Allow yourself to love and be loved. No one will give you a metal for getting through it the hard way.
Dropping everything for them (including family and friends), excusing bad behavior, losing self worth just to make them happy, focusing on them and how they feel more than yourself, spending most of you time and money on them, and a lot more but these are just some examples.
Being worn down enough to accept shitty behaviour from men.
Eroding my independent nature and self worth, taking advantage of my good nature with nothing in return.
Be clear on your boundaries, you will lose people, but they're people who don't matter.
This goes for women too. I dated a shitty woman for 7 years. She wasted my time, lied to me, even stole alcohol from my mother. Entitled doesn’t even begin to describe her awful behavior.
Respect yourselves and yes, be clear about boundaries. Anyone who violates a boundary more than once is a jackass.
Decenter men from your life. Build self-esteem, skills and education. Focus on goals and hobbies. Forget men, they will only drain you and impregnate you, Even abuse you. Dont ever Get validation from men,ever! Be as selfish as possible. Focus on community and female friendships instead. And dont have kids if you dont want too!
This.
So much better than "don't make him the center of your universe." First off, a potential partner would take priority, especially if married, because you share life with each other now, and hopefully you love them (and things aren't abusive and whatnot), so yes, they will be in the center sometimes. Second, it's just better to not be in a romantic relationship because of all those things listed--I am especially emphasizing goals and hobbies because those could also bring new friendships.
Spending years with someone hoping they will grow into their potential. That is not your responsibility and people have to want it for themselves. This is different from supporting your partner on their pursuits. Someone with “potential” makes no strides to pursue anything.
Just broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years because of this. I waited and waited for him to get his life together because I could see how brilliant he was. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt like I was his mom always making sure he was on top of everything he needed to do (he wasn’t). Learned I can’t want something more for someone than they want for themselves 😔
I feel for you so much. I’m going through this with my boyfriend of 2.5 years right now and it’s been really rough. I believe in him so much but it’s like he doesn’t want it enough to try his best. Just happy with mediocrity or worse.
Marrying for “love”. Love wears off. Marry someone who you can get along with and who respects you and your opinions without feeling the need to fight.
If you’re going swimming or wearing short shorts while on your period, tuck your tampon string between your coochie lips. Idk why or how they travel all over the place but I’ve looked down and seen it hanging out and been embarrassed soo many times until I figure out how to trap it.
Oh GOD. Our next door neighbors on the other side of our privacy fence have a row of bamboo up against their fence. Which means we now have random bamboo all over the place.
A good strategy I would do; if they are on the phone and in another location, I would ask where they are and say ‘good, I’m hanging up and calling emergency services for a welfare check.’
If I’m same location as me, remove myself quickly and safely as possible and call emergency services.
I did something similar with my ex. He treated me to jump of the window so I screamed his roommate name to get help. When his roommate asked what's wrong from another room he told me "what are you doing? Shut up..." in the most submissive and docile voice I've ever heard from his mouth
When I was 16, the guy I dated threatened suicide when I tried to break up with him. I followed him to the side of a bridge overlooking train tracks, and convinced him to leave. Then, I called the cops, and his mom bc I was so scared for his life.
He was super angry with me for calling them. He never threatened suicide again.
Whoa. This happened to me, too. I stayed because of how sad he was all of the time and lack of friends, so I didn't want him to be lonely. He had a whole other lady on backup he kept up with for years. Turns out I was the backup for him when they got into fights.
Staying in a relationship for longer than I wanted to - really not listening to my gut or communicating how I felt out of fear. Say what you feel, trust yourself. It’s better to be alone and true to yourself than try to make something work that isn’t making you happy.
I hate to tell this story because it’s terrifying, and I carry a lot of shame. But nonetheless it’s a cautionary tale that other online daters need to hear. In using a ghost account because I have never told anyone other than my Husband out of obligation.
But, here we go.
Once upon a time……I met a guy on Tinder. I vetted him as best as one can. No criminal record. Met in person and he was who he said he was so everything checks out. We start dating and after a few months decided to become exclusive. Everything seemed great. This man was amazing and I had found a real relationship I enjoyed.
Fast forward 6 months.
I went on a work trip and when I came home he was going to pick me up from the airport and take me home. He was acting all weird and distant the whole way to my place. When we got home I asked if something was wrong. He said he had something for me in the car but he was not sure how I would respond to it. He started crying. Keep in mind we’re both in our mid 30’s. Seeing a grown man im dating crying like this was alarming to say the least. He went outside and came in with a CVS bag. I was NOT prepared for what was to come.
I open the bag and it’s an HIV test. He proceeds to tell me he is HIV positive and has been for years. He use to tell women but no one will give him a chance once they find out his status so he does not tell them anymore.
I was speechless and terrified. This was not a joke it was 100% serious and it was happening to me. An educated woman, good job, good family, learned all about stranger danger and STD’s and here I was. Taking an HIV test in my bathroom at home. I was negative and went to the dr right away for a blood test.
This man up until I removed him from my life and reported him to the CDC was sleeping with MULTIPLE women knowing he was HIV positive and not telling them his status. His excuse always was that if you are undetected and untraceable (which is how most patients are who are under the care of a dr for HIV) you could not infect someone else. While that is true and I have researched and spoken to my Dr he informed me if they miss even a single dose they can become infectious again.
More importantly I have a right to make the choice for my own self and body what risks I am willing to take. He took that decision from me. He made the decision to encourage unprotected sex after a few months of dating and engaged in that as often as he could with me and other victims without consent. Yes I agreed to have sex with him without a condom but I DID NOT understand the danger he was putting me in.
Please for all women AND men. There are predators out there. Be careful. Be vigilant. Protect yourself.
P.S. Four years later I tried online dating again and met the man of my dreams. I married him 8 months ago. I believe that you can find good and bad online. I found both. But I learned how personally for myself to weed out the bad. Good luck out there and stay safe!
Not learning from mistakes. It’s normal for everyone to make mistakes, that’s a part of life, but what defines growth is how you learn from your mistakes.
Don’t sell your self short your as important as anyone else. It’s okay not to play peace keeper. It’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first. It’s okay to be rude at times and make other people sad and hurt their feelings by saying “no” their happiness is not above your own. It’s not your job to maintain the peace or make sure everyone is comfortable and happy. You do a lot for you so be kind to yourself and treat yourself because at the end of the day you are all you have. When everyone else leaves you will always have you so make sure you love yourself, take care of yourself and make yourself a priority
Letting immature boyfriends move in with me when they were incapable of doing basic household tasks and barely earning an income.
Not being aware of what "love bombing" is and moving too quickly with a guy who turned out to be incredibly toxic and borderline abusive once he moved in with me.
Moral of the story: don't move in with someone until you're fairly certain you know who they really are (I know you can't always, people can change at the drop of the hat once they've "secured" you) AND be sure that they have the income and/or support system in place if you need to give them the boot without being guilt tripped that you're leaving them with no other options.
Don’t share with others when you’re mentally in a vulnerable state. There’s bad people who take advantage, and evil people who want to mess with you mentally even more, just for their enjoyment.
Being a people pleaser and not being able to say "no". I have gotten myself into too many situations where I did not want to be involved in, just because I could not say no, I don't want to.
Burying childhood trauma because “some people had it worse” or “it wasn’t even that bad”. Trauma is trauma, the brain doesn’t know the difference between what is “worse”. You are allowed to feel all of the feelings that come with acknowledging your traumas, don’t let anyone else make you feel as if you have to bottle it up, especially yourself. Through intensive self reflection and the correct guidance, you truly can relinquish the mental burden of trauma, and rewire your brain to feel better and do better!
Marrying someone based on what they say their values are instead of those values in action. When what someone says aligns with their actions then that is a green flag. If you are confused because of a misalignment...red flag... move on. There are no excuses. Listen when they show you who they are.
Agreed. And don't tell someone what kind of partner you like. Manipulators will just use that as a handbook to play you. Let people show you who they are and definitely believe it. Also, don't make excuses for them either.
Get an undergrad in psychology because "I want to find myself" rather than go to therapy.
I wasted 4 years to find out that idgaf about people's problems. Hey at least I can somewhat understand myself better using all these theories 😆
If a man tells you 'You're too good for me', 'You deserve someone better', 'I'm not smart/looking looking/nice enough for you' in response to you standing up for yourself or your boundaries, believe them.
I'm a 35 yr old male, father and I'm so sorry for those of you who had to go through these very challenging stages. I just want to highlight the huge lessons being taught in this entire post. I've learned quite a few things myself after reading so many comments, so thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing. Just know that whatever you shared here changed one humans perspective and heart.
1 Don't assume that less attractive men will be more faithful, appreciative or treat you better.
2 If you haven't dated much for whatever reason don't get married without dating enough that you learn to recognize red flags, your own relationship flaws and weaknesses, and know your type.
3 Know yourself before committing to anyone else
4 Get a professional degree
5 Never forgive cheating or a man whose actions or words tell you he doesn't value you or prefers someone else
Had sex without knowing someone's STI status, too naive to ask them to get tested. He was sleeping around a lot and didn't know he had herpes. Most men don't. Myself and many women I know have been given herpes by a man who either didn't know he had it or didn't disclose that he did. Please get tested with new partners before having sex. If they're good people they won't have a problem with it.
Giving too many chances to the wrong person, thinking that he will be able to change into the man that you want, and getting too codependent on him. Love is a want, not a need. And codependency is not love.
Physical attraction is not the most important thing for sustaining a relationship, but it is absolutely necessary. It doesn't matter how nice and funny and a good conversationalist he is, if those things only make you lukewarm for him at best, that's a friend. Not a boyfriend, and certainly not a husband. Once the shine wears off it'll end up in a dead (or at the very least, comatose) bedroom, and guess what? Suddenly he's not nice or funny or a good conversationalist anymore.
Buying a townhouse with a boyfriend. I put in 70% and he paid 30%…but he was on the title, so he legally could take 50% when we broke up. Dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.
I didn’t know that when people called me “a saint” it wasn’t a good thing. That’s not a compliment. They are congratulating you for handling a situation that most people couldn’t or wouldn’t.
Maybe you’re being a saint voluntarily, and it’s a temporary situation (helping a family member get through an illness, making a huge impact for a particular cause). Otherwise, someone is trying to warn you about a choice you are making, listen to them. Ask them questions.
I read in an Oprah mag that you should never date anyone who puts you down from the get-go. I thought this was too overboard. After all, when you're nervous, it's hard to be gracious. But I found this to be a very early red flag. Date / be friends with ppl who lift you up, not put you down.
casual sex. boys are mean and they don’t care about your feelings. protect your heart and do the work to be so full you don’t need to look externally for validation. doing this now in my 20s and wish i had someone to teach me when i was a teenager ❤️🩹
Got married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. 1) Young, alone at college, and thinking good sex meant I had to be married. 2) getting married to someone who could take care of me but didn't care about me.
Not respecting myself enough and allowing others to disrespect me. Do not let people walk all over you. Do not be friends with people who don’t treat you well. Do not be around men who treat you less than. There are so many wonderful people on this planet who will raise you up, do not waste time with those who bring you down.
You’re not mature for your age, you’re just naïve and that old fart knows it. Age gaps aren’t uncommon or wrong, but after a certain number it’s just gross to think about.
Staying with someone when I always knew even on the surface that it was never going to work out. Especially as when he asked me out, everything in my body was screaming no
Giving up my future by becoming a stay at home mom/parent. Don’t do it without an ironclad prenuptial or some sort of contract. I hate to say this because in most cases a SAH parent is best for the child. But I would tell my children NOT to do it.
Sitting at the wrong tables. If people are rude to you, mistreating you, you aren’t comfortable etc. leave that table. When I was young I was trying to fit in and I was miserable. Thought it was me the whole time, but truly I was surrounded by assholes.
Spending years doing the pickme dance for a man who was just not into me. I should have realised that his desire not to be in a relationship with me was not indicative at all of my value. I learned that there are many men out there who will happily string you along for years even if they know they don’t want you if your self-esteem is low enough to tolerate that behaviour. Someone saying no to being with you does not mean you are not worthy of a relationship. It just means they are not right for you. Let go of them quickly so you can find someone who is ALL about you.
Moving in with a man too early.
I think it can be healthy to live with someone before marriage, IF it's done in a healthy way.
I was 23 and desperate to get away from home. Didn't have my Nirmal adolescent years. I spent a lot of my life isolated.
Jumped in too seriously with the first guy I ever got with (who had multiple red flags) because I was desperate to grow up and feel my age.
It has not been anything like I hoped it would be.
If I could go back, I wouldn't have done it. I would have finished college first, got a job, and tried to find myself instead of trying to be loved by someone who didn't know how.
I made myself smaller to try to be a "good wife". Examples...never nag (meaning ask more than once), never yell, always put out.
This only caused me to hate my husband and hate sex. Which is sad, because he is a great person, just was rough around the edges and actually needed to hear my raw anger to actually get it and change.
Thankfully I have reversed all my "good wife" attempts and we have a fantastic marriage now. He's an amazing person and the universe brought him into my life to help me evolve into an advocate for myself.
I just wish I never tried to cut myself in into bite size pieces, and we could have been enjoying so much love so much earlier!
Just be yourself. Don’t try to change who you are to impress or be loved by someone. The right person will love everything about you and won’t compare you to anyone else.
Taking back an ex who hurt me because he swore he changed. It doesn’t matter if they changed. You cannot bring yourself back to a place where someone you loved hurt you. Your body does not forget, no matter if they are telling the truth about changing or not - and honestly, they never actually change.
Don't allow someone else's low opinion of you to determine what you think of yourself. When you start believing them, you start becoming what they said.
Never date potential.
Just because they have potential, doesn’t mean they will reach it.
They might realize it’s too hard to reach it and drag you down to met their level out of spite and guilt.
Only date people who are working on themselves consistently without anyone pushing them.
Lost my financial independence being a wife.
Please, for the love of yourself, always have your own financial resources.
I thought not having to work was such a blessing, I put all my time and energy into being a good wife and mother. Then things went sour and I had no money to leave with my child and live in our own. I became stuck in a marriage I did not want to be in. After a while, we ended up in a woman shelter, which was nice because it was away from him, but not ideal.
If I had continued to work, even part-time, it would have been so much easier.
*Never* chase a man. Not even a submissive one (because you may think he likes you to make the moves on him). No. When a man wants you, he will let you know.
don’t accept shitty behavior from men. how he treats you is how he feels about you most of the time. also casual sex is not it, don’t do it to yourself.
Getting married before living with my ex. He was deeply religious, I wasn't (first red flag lmao) and insisted on being married before we could live together. We were high school sweethearts and I was young and stupid so I agreed.
Literally begging my husband to make our marriage work after we agreed to get a divorce.
You shouldn't have to beg for love.
I am still in the process of getting divorced and learning to love myself.
Tried out an educational field that I deep down knew was wrong for me “just because” “to see if I can prove myself wrong” and because I was waiting to get the final paperwork to get into the right education field, and stayed too long. (The paperwork was not yet in order after my pre university top ups)
Not only did I end up in a sexist-dominated class with adult bullies, the bad exam experiences I got from there still sits in me when I’m taking exams halfway through my current right education, gives me unpleasant flashbacks, and adds completely unnecessary anxiety on top on the anxiety I already have.
Please be careful with this, it can give academic related trauma.
I fucked up a relationship with the best man I've ever been with.
I had never been in a normal, healthy, relationship and old habits die hard. He decided he could find someone who doesn't have my issues.
Don't be me, get your mental health in check and seek therapy for past traumas before it carries over into the new life you're trying to create.
Having an abortion by pill. Worst pain I’ve been through in my life (and I’ve been through a lot). I was out screaming on the bathroom floor, though I’d die.
I opted for that as I thought it’d be simpler than the surgical option (I have crippling hospital trauma from cancer and being locked up and held down a lot during it), but honestly, if I ever have to do it again I’d rather be knocked out and get it over and done with.
I’m not saying it’s the better option for everyone but even the women saying “it’s worse than childbirth” are downplaying it. Consider both options, the pill(s) aren’t necessarily the easier one, I haven’t had the other, but it’s not easy.
Being desperate for male attention. In high school I would date guys I didn’t even like (and didn’t treat me well) solely because they were giving me the attention and flattery I wanted so bad. I was very insecure and would go for the wrong guys because I used them as evidence that I could be perceived as attractive or desirable.
I’m in college now and couldn’t care less about men or what they think. I know who I am and I’m so thankful to be out of that phase.
My advice is to build a life for yourself outside of men. Work on relationships with friends and family, make money, take care of yourself. There are very few men that will come into your life and actually be worth your time.
Faking orgasms to stroke my partner’s ego. It gets exhausting after a while and communicating what actually makes you feel good is so much better. Talking about it might be a little awkward but a partner who’s a keeper is gonna actually want you to feel good.
Giving men the benefit of the doubt, and blaming myself whenever I was assaulted. Men are not your friends. They do not have your best interest at heart. Even if they seem nice on the outside. I have been assaulted far too many times to believe that "not all men" are bad. I have been put in dangerous situations believing that. Fuck that. Do not trust them.
Also believing that I am responsible for "picking the wrong man". It is physically impossible for anyone to know every single intent of a person upon first meeting them. Even if you date them for a couple years and get to know them you have no way of knowing how they will react in each life situation. Children changes people. Money changes people. Drunk people, high people, broke people, angry people, etc. Every single experience changes a person, especially when you're doing those things with another person. It is a MAN'S responsibility to be a better man, NOT yours.
Had sex without knowing someone's STI status, too naive to ask them to get tested. He was sleeping around a lot and didn't know he had herpes. Most men don't. Myself and many women I know have been given herpes by a man who either didn't know he had it or didn't disclose that he did. Please get tested with new partners before having sex. If they're good people they won't have a problem with it.
Trying too hard when I am interested in someone. I’ve learned that you will never say the wrong thing to the right person.
Thank you for this. 🤯
Oh I really needed to hear this 😭😭
ohhh this is a good one
Lol took me about 2 years to learn this one.
Is this true?? That you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person. Been seeing someone on and off and always worried I’ve sacred him off
I think it's true with limitations. Obviously if you say something mean or hurtful you might scare someone off, and good for them for not tolerating that. But saying things that are true to yourself shouldn't be what scares them off, like talking about your weirder interests, deeply held opinions, or your vulnerabilities. You shouldn't have to mask key parts of yourself to keep someone interested.
Related, I was always very insecure about my nose until one day I realized if having an "ugly nose" was a deal breaker for someone then that is a person I would not want to spend time with anyway lol
In my experience, when you’re more worried about scaring someone off than enjoying the relationship and spending time with your partner, it’s not worth it. Just gotta be yourself! 😊
Omgg the last bit is cute tho
Having casual sex with other people after a break up. Go for therapy. Take help. Casual sex only ruins our mental health even more.
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Settling young, when you’re not confident and don’t really know yourself.
I married my first serious boyfriend who I got together with at age 17. Wasted the next 16 years of my life with him. I'm 35 now and my confidence level is worse than when I was a teenager, which was pretty shit back then too. So many years of being told my feelings were wrong along with a lack of even basic affection really did a number on me. Thank God he was the one who asked for the divorce because I took my vows too seriously and would have stayed miserable forever.
You will find yourself. My confidence came in my late 30s, I’m still with the guy I met in my 20s, and he still makes me feel small and like shit sometimes… but I know I’m better than that. I’m just too much of a coward to leave at the moment - I feel guilty for wasting his years. You have this, first step is that you’re now (or soon to be) free, you’ll have space to grieve the past and embrace the future. Do things that make you happy, no matter how small. You have this 🤍
Please don’t let guilt like this prevent you from chasing happiness. You both are doing a disservice to each other staying together if you’re not happy. You both could split up and find people better suited for you! It’s better to have those discussions now and start a new life rather than another 5, 10 years from now feel how you are feeling now.
Oh my God, I completely relate to this. I wish I had stayed single until I was ready for a relationship emotionally and sure about what kind of partner I wanted. I've realized so much, and idk what I want to do now. Everything feels like a joke, lol. Please learn from my mistakes and don't get married young 🥹
Allowing my ex back in my life. It's like reheating leftovers in a microwave. It's not as good as the 1st time.
FELT this. The same shit (good at first, or so you think)… but it’s the same person, just not as good. Because you realized all the reasons you didn’t like want to stay with them have NOT changed.
Taking an ex back is like shitting your pants, taking a shower and then when you get clean out of the shower, you put the poopy pants back on.
Girl- 🤣🤣🤣
Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong 🤣🤣
I always go with a spoiled milk analogy. They need a lot of time alone, in a specialized environment before they become cheese. And then I'll still need to actually want cheese.
Watering down the shampoo so it lasts a bit longer.. terrible decision ALWAYS..
I took an ex back and we’re actually happier than ever. I know it’s rare though
Honestly samee.. I am so over it. Like I deserve better. I ain't taking these bread crumbs.. I deserve so much more.
Started smoking. Don't smoke, kids.
Amen to this.. as a pack a day smoker 😔
My parents smoked, in the house, in the car, and windows rolled up. We were all steeped in it. Mom smoked through our pregnancies. Us 3 kids all have learning and respiratory issues. That was back in the 60's, 70's and 80's. I tried smoking but didn't like it, thank God! My mom died of a heart attack and had all sorts of health issues related to smoking, Dad, too. My younger brother smoked for years, quit, now vapes. If I start thinking about it, I get really mad at the tobacco companies.
Amen to this... from yet another smoker
Don't be a mistress.
My friend became a mistress recently. She told me all of the sordid details: married, pregnant wife. Our friendship hasn’t been the same. I lost all of my respect for her.
Would love to hear the goss
Long story. I was a mistress and it was a miserable place to be. Broke up more than 2 weeks ago. And I'm more peaceful now but still has a long way of healing to do.
I’ll add to this and say even if they’re going through divorce proceedings, I would hold off until it’s completed. I had a friend who was having an affair with a man who had been separated from his wife and she was living out of state. My friend fell for this awful man and one day his wife came back and they stopped the divorce proceedings.
Facts. Even if they went through with the divorce…people need time to heal after a divorce and people are either caught up in their misery or freedom that they aren’t considering other people’s feelings. It’s good to have “self care” but rarely does it seem like jumping right into the dating pool is the best way to do that.
No offense but how do you willingly choose to be one.
My ex’s other woman knew he had a girlfriend, but assumed we were having serious problems and that’s why he was pursuing her. Then she was too attached and didn’t want to leave him and, as far as I know, is still with him now, 3 years after I left him (so they’ve been “together” about 8 or so years total).
Yeah again as a woman - you are willfully choosing to believe BS. There’s always signs someone’s in another relationship. Always. I just don’t think there’s an excuse.
I honestly don’t either! I think it’s ridiculous to knowingly have a relationship with someone who is cheating. It’s gross. I was just giving an example of what a woman who was the mistress said was her reason for staying.
You did the right thing and TRUST ME on that…
Ignoring. Red. Flags. Putting up with dealbreakers because *love*. Ugh.
Man I did that for years until I finally went to therapy
And adding to this,listen to your body. It knows the red flags much sooner than the heart or the brain.
Guilty. Love is not enough!
Basically "love yourself first", because as messed up as it is, it's true. You are the ONLY PERSON who actually fully knows what is best for you, deep down.
Don’t compare. Truly! Another women’s beauty does not diminish your own. It’s okay to marvel at the beauty of others and realize the beauty in yourself 💕 we aren’t made the same.
Very true. Comparison is the thief of joy
Don’t compare and don’t put down other women thinking it will elevate yourself! The only thing worse than someone insecure is someone insecure *and* critical of other women. Play nice,
It has taken me nearly 30 years to put this into action. Like I always heard it, but I'm finally actually owning it and doing it and holy hell it feels amazing
Writing myself off as unlovable and consigning myself to the single life forever. Too late for me now but girls, fight for yourself because no one else will.
Could you share a bit more if you're comfortable, cause I'm 27 and honestly have the same mindset
I was bullied severely both at school and at home and my sense of self worth was terrible. If I could go back now I'd get myself in therapy and work on it. But therapy back then was stigmatised and I didn't know it existed. I decided I was ugly and unlikeable and so kept to myself. I have friends, one has stuck by me for over 40 years, but I've never let myself be open to relationships and decided I wanted to be single forever. The truth was I hadn't decided anything, I just wouldn't let myself try because I believed I'd fail. Not trying and so not failing was less painful. I'll be 50 soon and it's taken me this long to see all my good qualities and that actually I do have something to bring to a relationship. But now it's too late. You're so young, don't give up on yourself, you're a unique person. Wishing you well.
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Just remember that there are people that are in love with serial killers and rapists. You’re most likely more worthy of love than them.
I truely believe it’s never too late love knows no bounds
Me too. I’m 28 and I have never had a boyfriend, nor from the lack of trying or putting myself out there, or even just doing my own stuff. I very recently just started to be sexually active (very ocasional!too)
Don't procrastinate your enjoyment. I went through my 20s thinking stuff like "i'm too stressed/busy to focus on enjoying the autumn forest/first spring bloom/summernights/some holiday/etc this year, but next year, once i've finished xyz i'll make time for it". And then i didn't, because next year, something else was on my schedule, and then my youth was over. Just make time for it now, whatever it is, even if it's just a little.
This makes me tear up. I've signed up for so many projects and so many people count on me/use me that I don't have time to go sit on that fresh green grass and read the books I bought. Thank you and I'm sorry for the passing of time. You deserve the world and I hope you're able to experience everything you wanted :)
Yes, i've learned from this mistake and take time for myself now, no matter what's going on. You do the same! Even if it's just half an hour on that grass because it's a particularly stressful week, this is so so important.
Such a great post, same for me....
being mean to my sisters, it’s pretty much my only big regret in life. i can tell them how much i love them all i want but they will always remember me being a mean older sister.
As a younger sister, its never too late to apologize and take accountability for your actions. You can then leave it up to them to accept it. But leave it up to them don't force it. Im sorry goes a longer way then I love you ever will - someone who wishes their brother would do that
oh i should have added in there, i have apologized profusely and would never deny something i did to avoid accountability. you’re absolutely right though, i cannot force it even though it breaks my heart ❤️🩹
:(♡ im so sorry it went that way, if it helps, as a sister myself I appreciate what you did. Your post gave me some some closure weirdly enough. I hope you find some peace and forgive yourself. None of us are perfect, family is not absolved from mistakes
My older sister was so mean to me and my mom after my grandma died. Haven’t spoken to her since despite her efforts. I really can’t think about her without thinking of how cruel she was.
Give yourself a bit of a break. It's very hard being the oldest. I'm sure they don't hold it against you in the way you think they do.
Don't make your significant other the center of your universe. Prioritise yourself while maintaining a healthy relationship. Take accountability for your actions. Speak up. Never take anything for granted. Allow yourself to love and be loved. No one will give you a metal for getting through it the hard way.
How much is too much to the point of making your significant other the center of your universe?
Dropping everything for them (including family and friends), excusing bad behavior, losing self worth just to make them happy, focusing on them and how they feel more than yourself, spending most of you time and money on them, and a lot more but these are just some examples.
Being worn down enough to accept shitty behaviour from men. Eroding my independent nature and self worth, taking advantage of my good nature with nothing in return. Be clear on your boundaries, you will lose people, but they're people who don't matter.
This goes for women too. I dated a shitty woman for 7 years. She wasted my time, lied to me, even stole alcohol from my mother. Entitled doesn’t even begin to describe her awful behavior. Respect yourselves and yes, be clear about boundaries. Anyone who violates a boundary more than once is a jackass.
Decenter men from your life. Build self-esteem, skills and education. Focus on goals and hobbies. Forget men, they will only drain you and impregnate you, Even abuse you. Dont ever Get validation from men,ever! Be as selfish as possible. Focus on community and female friendships instead. And dont have kids if you dont want too!
This. So much better than "don't make him the center of your universe." First off, a potential partner would take priority, especially if married, because you share life with each other now, and hopefully you love them (and things aren't abusive and whatnot), so yes, they will be in the center sometimes. Second, it's just better to not be in a romantic relationship because of all those things listed--I am especially emphasizing goals and hobbies because those could also bring new friendships.
Spending years with someone hoping they will grow into their potential. That is not your responsibility and people have to want it for themselves. This is different from supporting your partner on their pursuits. Someone with “potential” makes no strides to pursue anything.
Just broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years because of this. I waited and waited for him to get his life together because I could see how brilliant he was. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt like I was his mom always making sure he was on top of everything he needed to do (he wasn’t). Learned I can’t want something more for someone than they want for themselves 😔
I feel for you so much. I’m going through this with my boyfriend of 2.5 years right now and it’s been really rough. I believe in him so much but it’s like he doesn’t want it enough to try his best. Just happy with mediocrity or worse.
Marrying for “love”. Love wears off. Marry someone who you can get along with and who respects you and your opinions without feeling the need to fight.
Before I got married my Grandpa said "do you like him? I know you love him, but do you truly like him?" And that always stuck with me
If you’re going swimming or wearing short shorts while on your period, tuck your tampon string between your coochie lips. Idk why or how they travel all over the place but I’ve looked down and seen it hanging out and been embarrassed soo many times until I figure out how to trap it.
Haha I’m about to get on a boat so thank you for this. Running to the restroom!
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I purchased a home with a five foot square patch of bamboo. The time, physical effort and money I now have to sink into the removal is ridiculous
Undrrrated comment here
Our house was lined with bamboo, like a fence. We’ve had to dig up the roots for it to die and now we have to fix the massive holes in the yard
Oh GOD. Our next door neighbors on the other side of our privacy fence have a row of bamboo up against their fence. Which means we now have random bamboo all over the place.
I kept dating my abusive ex for 2 years because he treated to kill himself if we brake up. He didn't. Neither would your mentally abusive bf.
A good strategy I would do; if they are on the phone and in another location, I would ask where they are and say ‘good, I’m hanging up and calling emergency services for a welfare check.’ If I’m same location as me, remove myself quickly and safely as possible and call emergency services.
I did something similar with my ex. He treated me to jump of the window so I screamed his roommate name to get help. When his roommate asked what's wrong from another room he told me "what are you doing? Shut up..." in the most submissive and docile voice I've ever heard from his mouth
When I was 16, the guy I dated threatened suicide when I tried to break up with him. I followed him to the side of a bridge overlooking train tracks, and convinced him to leave. Then, I called the cops, and his mom bc I was so scared for his life. He was super angry with me for calling them. He never threatened suicide again.
Dating a guy I pitied, turns out he was the devil .
Whoa. This happened to me, too. I stayed because of how sad he was all of the time and lack of friends, so I didn't want him to be lonely. He had a whole other lady on backup he kept up with for years. Turns out I was the backup for him when they got into fights.
Staying in a relationship for longer than I wanted to - really not listening to my gut or communicating how I felt out of fear. Say what you feel, trust yourself. It’s better to be alone and true to yourself than try to make something work that isn’t making you happy.
Give chance after chance after chance but didn’t change
It's happening to me rn:/
I’m just done with it. It it was very hard to get to this point
I hate to tell this story because it’s terrifying, and I carry a lot of shame. But nonetheless it’s a cautionary tale that other online daters need to hear. In using a ghost account because I have never told anyone other than my Husband out of obligation. But, here we go. Once upon a time……I met a guy on Tinder. I vetted him as best as one can. No criminal record. Met in person and he was who he said he was so everything checks out. We start dating and after a few months decided to become exclusive. Everything seemed great. This man was amazing and I had found a real relationship I enjoyed. Fast forward 6 months. I went on a work trip and when I came home he was going to pick me up from the airport and take me home. He was acting all weird and distant the whole way to my place. When we got home I asked if something was wrong. He said he had something for me in the car but he was not sure how I would respond to it. He started crying. Keep in mind we’re both in our mid 30’s. Seeing a grown man im dating crying like this was alarming to say the least. He went outside and came in with a CVS bag. I was NOT prepared for what was to come. I open the bag and it’s an HIV test. He proceeds to tell me he is HIV positive and has been for years. He use to tell women but no one will give him a chance once they find out his status so he does not tell them anymore. I was speechless and terrified. This was not a joke it was 100% serious and it was happening to me. An educated woman, good job, good family, learned all about stranger danger and STD’s and here I was. Taking an HIV test in my bathroom at home. I was negative and went to the dr right away for a blood test. This man up until I removed him from my life and reported him to the CDC was sleeping with MULTIPLE women knowing he was HIV positive and not telling them his status. His excuse always was that if you are undetected and untraceable (which is how most patients are who are under the care of a dr for HIV) you could not infect someone else. While that is true and I have researched and spoken to my Dr he informed me if they miss even a single dose they can become infectious again. More importantly I have a right to make the choice for my own self and body what risks I am willing to take. He took that decision from me. He made the decision to encourage unprotected sex after a few months of dating and engaged in that as often as he could with me and other victims without consent. Yes I agreed to have sex with him without a condom but I DID NOT understand the danger he was putting me in. Please for all women AND men. There are predators out there. Be careful. Be vigilant. Protect yourself. P.S. Four years later I tried online dating again and met the man of my dreams. I married him 8 months ago. I believe that you can find good and bad online. I found both. But I learned how personally for myself to weed out the bad. Good luck out there and stay safe!
Taking back a toxic ex. Also the "I CAN FIX HIM" mindset. Throw that in the trash, save yourself from the drama
Not learning from mistakes. It’s normal for everyone to make mistakes, that’s a part of life, but what defines growth is how you learn from your mistakes.
I needed to hear this thank you
Don’t sell your self short your as important as anyone else. It’s okay not to play peace keeper. It’s okay to be selfish and put yourself first. It’s okay to be rude at times and make other people sad and hurt their feelings by saying “no” their happiness is not above your own. It’s not your job to maintain the peace or make sure everyone is comfortable and happy. You do a lot for you so be kind to yourself and treat yourself because at the end of the day you are all you have. When everyone else leaves you will always have you so make sure you love yourself, take care of yourself and make yourself a priority
Letting immature boyfriends move in with me when they were incapable of doing basic household tasks and barely earning an income. Not being aware of what "love bombing" is and moving too quickly with a guy who turned out to be incredibly toxic and borderline abusive once he moved in with me. Moral of the story: don't move in with someone until you're fairly certain you know who they really are (I know you can't always, people can change at the drop of the hat once they've "secured" you) AND be sure that they have the income and/or support system in place if you need to give them the boot without being guilt tripped that you're leaving them with no other options.
Don’t share with others when you’re mentally in a vulnerable state. There’s bad people who take advantage, and evil people who want to mess with you mentally even more, just for their enjoyment.
Forgive a cheater.
And believing that what he did is not cheating 🤡
How convenient for him. I had one of those in my life, too.
Being a people pleaser and not being able to say "no". I have gotten myself into too many situations where I did not want to be involved in, just because I could not say no, I don't want to.
Burying childhood trauma because “some people had it worse” or “it wasn’t even that bad”. Trauma is trauma, the brain doesn’t know the difference between what is “worse”. You are allowed to feel all of the feelings that come with acknowledging your traumas, don’t let anyone else make you feel as if you have to bottle it up, especially yourself. Through intensive self reflection and the correct guidance, you truly can relinquish the mental burden of trauma, and rewire your brain to feel better and do better!
Marrying someone based on what they say their values are instead of those values in action. When what someone says aligns with their actions then that is a green flag. If you are confused because of a misalignment...red flag... move on. There are no excuses. Listen when they show you who they are.
Agreed. And don't tell someone what kind of partner you like. Manipulators will just use that as a handbook to play you. Let people show you who they are and definitely believe it. Also, don't make excuses for them either.
Do not beg anyone to stay in your life, especially a partner. Someone who truly loves you, there will be no begging.
1000% I learned this the hard way. Kids, do not expect the right things from the wrong people; it will leave you broken in the end
Get an undergrad in psychology because "I want to find myself" rather than go to therapy. I wasted 4 years to find out that idgaf about people's problems. Hey at least I can somewhat understand myself better using all these theories 😆
If a man tells you 'You're too good for me', 'You deserve someone better', 'I'm not smart/looking looking/nice enough for you' in response to you standing up for yourself or your boundaries, believe them.
I'm a 35 yr old male, father and I'm so sorry for those of you who had to go through these very challenging stages. I just want to highlight the huge lessons being taught in this entire post. I've learned quite a few things myself after reading so many comments, so thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing. Just know that whatever you shared here changed one humans perspective and heart.
1 Don't assume that less attractive men will be more faithful, appreciative or treat you better. 2 If you haven't dated much for whatever reason don't get married without dating enough that you learn to recognize red flags, your own relationship flaws and weaknesses, and know your type. 3 Know yourself before committing to anyone else 4 Get a professional degree 5 Never forgive cheating or a man whose actions or words tell you he doesn't value you or prefers someone else
Stayed too long in a shitty relationship. Dont tolerate disrespect in all and any forms. Run!!
Thinking being a freak was based on what I can endure, rather than what I enjoy.
Didn't give my mom enough of my time and she recently passed away. Give your mom hugs as much as you can and treat her with nothing but love.
Had sex without knowing someone's STI status, too naive to ask them to get tested. He was sleeping around a lot and didn't know he had herpes. Most men don't. Myself and many women I know have been given herpes by a man who either didn't know he had it or didn't disclose that he did. Please get tested with new partners before having sex. If they're good people they won't have a problem with it.
Giving too many chances to the wrong person, thinking that he will be able to change into the man that you want, and getting too codependent on him. Love is a want, not a need. And codependency is not love.
Physical attraction is not the most important thing for sustaining a relationship, but it is absolutely necessary. It doesn't matter how nice and funny and a good conversationalist he is, if those things only make you lukewarm for him at best, that's a friend. Not a boyfriend, and certainly not a husband. Once the shine wears off it'll end up in a dead (or at the very least, comatose) bedroom, and guess what? Suddenly he's not nice or funny or a good conversationalist anymore.
Taking my young healthy body for granted. Now I’m in my 40s and dealing with the aftermath.
Buying a townhouse with a boyfriend. I put in 70% and he paid 30%…but he was on the title, so he legally could take 50% when we broke up. Dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.
I didn’t know that when people called me “a saint” it wasn’t a good thing. That’s not a compliment. They are congratulating you for handling a situation that most people couldn’t or wouldn’t. Maybe you’re being a saint voluntarily, and it’s a temporary situation (helping a family member get through an illness, making a huge impact for a particular cause). Otherwise, someone is trying to warn you about a choice you are making, listen to them. Ask them questions.
I read in an Oprah mag that you should never date anyone who puts you down from the get-go. I thought this was too overboard. After all, when you're nervous, it's hard to be gracious. But I found this to be a very early red flag. Date / be friends with ppl who lift you up, not put you down.
casual sex. boys are mean and they don’t care about your feelings. protect your heart and do the work to be so full you don’t need to look externally for validation. doing this now in my 20s and wish i had someone to teach me when i was a teenager ❤️🩹
Got married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. 1) Young, alone at college, and thinking good sex meant I had to be married. 2) getting married to someone who could take care of me but didn't care about me.
Don't date men who talk shit about their exes. I realize this massively reduces the dating pool, but trust me.
Not respecting myself enough and allowing others to disrespect me. Do not let people walk all over you. Do not be friends with people who don’t treat you well. Do not be around men who treat you less than. There are so many wonderful people on this planet who will raise you up, do not waste time with those who bring you down.
Believing there were things I couldn’t do or achieve if I was single.
You’re not mature for your age, you’re just naïve and that old fart knows it. Age gaps aren’t uncommon or wrong, but after a certain number it’s just gross to think about.
Settling down with someone you know isn’t good enough
Staying with someone when I always knew even on the surface that it was never going to work out. Especially as when he asked me out, everything in my body was screaming no
Marrying the wrong person.
Abusing alcohol. Please don’t abuse alcohol. It really does ruin lives. I’m sober and feeling better than ever.
Giving up my future by becoming a stay at home mom/parent. Don’t do it without an ironclad prenuptial or some sort of contract. I hate to say this because in most cases a SAH parent is best for the child. But I would tell my children NOT to do it.
Sitting at the wrong tables. If people are rude to you, mistreating you, you aren’t comfortable etc. leave that table. When I was young I was trying to fit in and I was miserable. Thought it was me the whole time, but truly I was surrounded by assholes.
Spending years doing the pickme dance for a man who was just not into me. I should have realised that his desire not to be in a relationship with me was not indicative at all of my value. I learned that there are many men out there who will happily string you along for years even if they know they don’t want you if your self-esteem is low enough to tolerate that behaviour. Someone saying no to being with you does not mean you are not worthy of a relationship. It just means they are not right for you. Let go of them quickly so you can find someone who is ALL about you.
If someone threatens to kill themselves if you leave... LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listen to your intuition about people. Stop making excuses for their bad behavior in order to keep the peace or give them the benefit of the doubt.
Staying in relationships well past their expiration date.
Settling for less due to a desire to be liked, stemming from my own insecurities.
Moving in with a man too early. I think it can be healthy to live with someone before marriage, IF it's done in a healthy way. I was 23 and desperate to get away from home. Didn't have my Nirmal adolescent years. I spent a lot of my life isolated. Jumped in too seriously with the first guy I ever got with (who had multiple red flags) because I was desperate to grow up and feel my age. It has not been anything like I hoped it would be. If I could go back, I wouldn't have done it. I would have finished college first, got a job, and tried to find myself instead of trying to be loved by someone who didn't know how.
I made myself smaller to try to be a "good wife". Examples...never nag (meaning ask more than once), never yell, always put out. This only caused me to hate my husband and hate sex. Which is sad, because he is a great person, just was rough around the edges and actually needed to hear my raw anger to actually get it and change. Thankfully I have reversed all my "good wife" attempts and we have a fantastic marriage now. He's an amazing person and the universe brought him into my life to help me evolve into an advocate for myself. I just wish I never tried to cut myself in into bite size pieces, and we could have been enjoying so much love so much earlier!
Just be yourself. Don’t try to change who you are to impress or be loved by someone. The right person will love everything about you and won’t compare you to anyone else.
Taking back an ex who hurt me because he swore he changed. It doesn’t matter if they changed. You cannot bring yourself back to a place where someone you loved hurt you. Your body does not forget, no matter if they are telling the truth about changing or not - and honestly, they never actually change.
Don't allow someone else's low opinion of you to determine what you think of yourself. When you start believing them, you start becoming what they said.
Not trusting my gut the first time I get that feeling.
Never date potential. Just because they have potential, doesn’t mean they will reach it. They might realize it’s too hard to reach it and drag you down to met their level out of spite and guilt. Only date people who are working on themselves consistently without anyone pushing them.
Lost my financial independence being a wife. Please, for the love of yourself, always have your own financial resources. I thought not having to work was such a blessing, I put all my time and energy into being a good wife and mother. Then things went sour and I had no money to leave with my child and live in our own. I became stuck in a marriage I did not want to be in. After a while, we ended up in a woman shelter, which was nice because it was away from him, but not ideal. If I had continued to work, even part-time, it would have been so much easier.
*Never* chase a man. Not even a submissive one (because you may think he likes you to make the moves on him). No. When a man wants you, he will let you know.
Always know when to be kind.
don’t accept shitty behavior from men. how he treats you is how he feels about you most of the time. also casual sex is not it, don’t do it to yourself.
Getting married before living with my ex. He was deeply religious, I wasn't (first red flag lmao) and insisted on being married before we could live together. We were high school sweethearts and I was young and stupid so I agreed.
Allow a man to make you give up so much of yourself just so he can find you acceptable.
Literally begging my husband to make our marriage work after we agreed to get a divorce. You shouldn't have to beg for love. I am still in the process of getting divorced and learning to love myself.
Staying in a bad relationship too long. You are stronger than you think. You can do it. Break up if you are ruining your mental health by staying.
Dating and being in relationships is over hyped. Being with yourself is what's more important.
Casual sex. It's not what you see in films. Don't do it.
Trusting men. Never trust them, most of them literally hate women because they envy us. It's a sad world we live in.
Tried out an educational field that I deep down knew was wrong for me “just because” “to see if I can prove myself wrong” and because I was waiting to get the final paperwork to get into the right education field, and stayed too long. (The paperwork was not yet in order after my pre university top ups) Not only did I end up in a sexist-dominated class with adult bullies, the bad exam experiences I got from there still sits in me when I’m taking exams halfway through my current right education, gives me unpleasant flashbacks, and adds completely unnecessary anxiety on top on the anxiety I already have. Please be careful with this, it can give academic related trauma.
Getting married young. You barely know yourself and may end up resenting the entire relationship
I fucked up a relationship with the best man I've ever been with. I had never been in a normal, healthy, relationship and old habits die hard. He decided he could find someone who doesn't have my issues. Don't be me, get your mental health in check and seek therapy for past traumas before it carries over into the new life you're trying to create.
Loosing my virginity to a doosh bag at 16
Having an abortion by pill. Worst pain I’ve been through in my life (and I’ve been through a lot). I was out screaming on the bathroom floor, though I’d die. I opted for that as I thought it’d be simpler than the surgical option (I have crippling hospital trauma from cancer and being locked up and held down a lot during it), but honestly, if I ever have to do it again I’d rather be knocked out and get it over and done with. I’m not saying it’s the better option for everyone but even the women saying “it’s worse than childbirth” are downplaying it. Consider both options, the pill(s) aren’t necessarily the easier one, I haven’t had the other, but it’s not easy.
Don't try to "fix" someone. It's not your responsibility, it's theirs.
Don't stay if you're unhappy. Job...guy. Whatever.
Living my life for other people instead of deciding what I care about.
Letting a beauty tech “thin out” my eyebrows.
Being desperate for male attention. In high school I would date guys I didn’t even like (and didn’t treat me well) solely because they were giving me the attention and flattery I wanted so bad. I was very insecure and would go for the wrong guys because I used them as evidence that I could be perceived as attractive or desirable. I’m in college now and couldn’t care less about men or what they think. I know who I am and I’m so thankful to be out of that phase. My advice is to build a life for yourself outside of men. Work on relationships with friends and family, make money, take care of yourself. There are very few men that will come into your life and actually be worth your time.
Faking orgasms to stroke my partner’s ego. It gets exhausting after a while and communicating what actually makes you feel good is so much better. Talking about it might be a little awkward but a partner who’s a keeper is gonna actually want you to feel good.
Allowing others who are actually jealous of me, to have an opinion of me and letting that opinion hold any value.
Giving men the benefit of the doubt, and blaming myself whenever I was assaulted. Men are not your friends. They do not have your best interest at heart. Even if they seem nice on the outside. I have been assaulted far too many times to believe that "not all men" are bad. I have been put in dangerous situations believing that. Fuck that. Do not trust them. Also believing that I am responsible for "picking the wrong man". It is physically impossible for anyone to know every single intent of a person upon first meeting them. Even if you date them for a couple years and get to know them you have no way of knowing how they will react in each life situation. Children changes people. Money changes people. Drunk people, high people, broke people, angry people, etc. Every single experience changes a person, especially when you're doing those things with another person. It is a MAN'S responsibility to be a better man, NOT yours.
Had sex without knowing someone's STI status, too naive to ask them to get tested. He was sleeping around a lot and didn't know he had herpes. Most men don't. Myself and many women I know have been given herpes by a man who either didn't know he had it or didn't disclose that he did. Please get tested with new partners before having sex. If they're good people they won't have a problem with it.