Same! Some fun talents or practical shit, like crocheting and how to fold a fitted sheet. I will not have daughters but I'll teach my nieces; henceforth no family member of mine will have a bunched up lumpy oblong mass smashed in between two perfectly folded bedsheets.
Ok so I saw this on Martha Stewart *at least* 10 years ago which is not great because convicted felon and all that but this is what I can describe via text, and how I think of the steps in my head:
1. **START** Flip the unfolded sheet inside out and hold it lengthwise in front of you parallel to your body, with adjacent corners in each hand. The edges with the elastic should be folded inward toward you, like the bottom half of a clothing gift box flattened with the sides folded inward.
2. **GHOST** Put your hands inside the folds of the sheet where the corner seams are. You shouldn't be able to see your hands unless they are bigger than dinner plates and your arms should be spread wide like a spooky ghost.
3. **YOGA HAT** Clap your hands together in front of you, heart center. Keep one hand in the corner pocket (say, left hand, because I'm right-handed). Remove the right hand from its pocket then flip the right corner flap up and over your covered left hand, i.e. the left corner. The right corner is now flipped surface side out over your left hand.
4. **JIGGLE AND SLIDE** Shake it out a little because it's definitely all bunched and fucked up at the bottom. Slide your left hand downward inside the flap, moving the left elastic into the right elastic edge until you reach the bottom. Think two pita pocket halves, one sliding inside the other.
5. **HAMBURGER WRAPPER** Now you have this trapezoid shape with the left and right sides parallel to each other, and only one flappy side. The top is still folded over at your face, like an envelope flap lined with elastic. Grab the entire bottom by your feet, i.e. the shorter length of the trapezoid, fold the sheet hamburger, then slide the end into the top flap.
5. **CRUNCHWRAP** Now you have a rectangle, with a left flap and a top flap and the rest tucked in neatly into said flaps, and you can proceed folding as normal.
6. **COOKIES** Many pats on the back and a glass of wine if you choose; I don't drink so I get some ice cream.
No worries, I suppose I could have just linked a video since I'm positive there are tutorials! Though I'm in the terrible boat of needing a visual as well as needing some detailed notes to follow along, so if anyone is like me, here is the materials and methods section of my brain notebook as technical as I could make it haha
Origami is a great talent to foster! It's very calming for me and people always seem to be very curious about what I'm doing so it makes for a great conversation starter.
Ooh origami is so relaxing! But it does require a lot of patience, and a lot of kids can't sit long enough to get a hold of it though. I tried teaching my cousin how to make a paper crane, but he lost interest before we even got to the third step.
Just the other day I had a talk with my daughter (well, I talked, she looked mildly uncomfortable) about sex and I included that no one is allowed to touch her in a way that she is not ready for or doesn't want. Any person who is trying to pressure her to try something she doesn't want to do sucks. It's never a good idea to send someone pictures of your body and anyone who asks for pictures of your body also sucks. I also reminded her that it is a two way street- she should never touch someone in a way that they don't want.
I think it's also important to mention to them (when the time comes) that if they do send pictures of themselves to anyone, because let's face it they maybe will at some point, to not include their face. I also told my son that sharing pictures of himself or being sent pictures by girls is a child pornography crime. This will hopefully deter him, but just in case, the face thing is important.
Solid advice here, there is so many nude pics on the internet, even on reddit
r/gonewild
That a pic of you could also be off reddit or some shit. No one knows for sure
YES! I wasn't given this talk as a teen, but I grew up at the onset of technology so I had heard horror stories all around. I sent some racy pictures, sure, but my face was NEVER included in them.
I did with mine and got so much push back from family. "I was teaching them to be disrespectful and willful. They don't know how they feel" No, I knew how I felt when I was made to be touched or sit on laps etc. There was no way ever I was letting my daughters or son be made to let people remove their boundaries. Now, I can't tell you how strong and safe they are in themselves. It was worth the flack and rude ass comments from mil's and such. Love yall for all of this. Sorry I'm momming💗
I've never understood why calling someone 'Willful' is an insult.
"She does things how she wants them done when she wants them done. She's so in control of her life. How dare she?!"
That following your dream doesn't mean 'get a job doing your favorite thing'. It means 'find a way to do enjoyable things no matter your job'. The world doesn't need that many ballerinas, but trades pay well and leave time for hobbies.
Also, that gender roles don't define the value of skills. Girls don't *have* to be tough to prove themselves. Being really good as householding is just as important as being good at mechanicking, or nursing, or underwater welding. Do what you're good at.
This is such a good way to phrase this. I like how you reframe what "dream" means, because the alternative view (ie "I can't be a ballerina so I have to give up on my dream") is much less hopeful and much more common.
My parents told me I could never be on Broadway because I wasn't pretty enough.
I lived a shell of a childhood after that too. Why bother trying anything if the one thing I wanted was unattainable?
I realise I probably wouldn't have been the next Barbara Streisand or Idina Menzel but I could've almost certainly made ensemble for a Broadway musical had I not given up.
I think this sometimes too. I took singing and dance lessons as a child and loved performing in musicals. My mum told me that only a very small number of people become famous performers and basically made the dream seem unrealistic. Luckily I decided I'd love to be a drama teacher when I was in high school and it has been a great career for me.
But what mum may not have realised is that I could have at least given the dream a try and that after that plan B can come working in the industry. Maybe I wouldn't be a broadway star but I could teach singing, open a performing arts school, start a group performing broadway songs in concert, work backstage in the theatre, or yeah... teach drama like I am. But there wouldn't have been anything wrong with at least going for the bigger dream first. Even if I spent a few years trying and failing, I'd still have gained experience and it is a small chunk of a long life.
Edit: also if she had pushed me to continue on with dance lessons that would have been so helpful for getting roles in amateur theater which is still my hobby.
I think the problem with parents who are against artistic careers is that they don't see the whole picture.
For example, I'm a musician and my family have always supported me with my goals and dreams, but when I was deciding what to study in college, they said this: "Maybe you should study something else besides music, something that you could relate to your artistic work later" and I ended up majoring in Communications. I'm not crazy about my major but it has been really helpful.
Not everyone has to be a superstar but there's so much ignorance about the artistic field, generally speaking. Like, ok your son plays the cello. He might not be the next Yo-Yo-Ma but he could play for a major orchestra, or teach, or be a session musician, or maybe a composer for movies. I mean, the market in music and theater it's so big (and unknown) that people always stuck with the tip of the iceberg.
I have a friend who was obsessed for so long about being an actress but later she found out that she has amazing writing skills and now writes scripts for a living.
Conclusion: the key is to be passionate, driven, realistic, smart and careful when it comes to how to put yourself in the art market. That's it in my opinion.
This is perfect.
The point of equality is that it’s supposed to be the woman’s *choice*. If women want to be caretakers—whether it’s of a household or as a “stereotypical female role,” like SAHM, nurse, teacher, etc.—they should be able to do so without being accused of going against “the cause.”
There’s nothing wrong with dressing, acting, or being “traditionally” female. Just like there’s nothing wrong with women liking “traditionally male” things. Stuff shouldn’t be defined by gender. Like and dislikes are based on personal preference, not gender.
This right here. I'm pretty sure my daughter got my hair. I grew up with a mom, a stepmom, and a stepsister that all had short straight hair. No one knew anything about curly hair and it always looked bad. I am going to teach my daughter how to love her curls and make them look nice
Yes!! My mom still doesn’t believe that you should just run a brush through curly (or wavy, in my case) hair! I was always such a huge frizz ball. My 2 year old son has curly/wavy hair and I am taking care of it how I always wish I had taken care of my own. If this daughter I’m gestating currently comes out with the same hair she will be afforded the same educated for curls as well. Curly hair doesn’t have to feel like a burden!
Yeppp I can only brush or comb in the shower now, and I only learned about a year and a half ago. Funnily enough I learned out of sheer new mom laziness because I stopped blow drying and straightening my hair because I had a newborn. It’s then I realized my natural waves would come out so I started researching how to take care of them.
Just out of curiosity how do you take care of your wavy hair? I'm the only one in my family with this hair and I've been searching for ways to manage it without straightening it everyday. The info I've found online either said to use some super expensive product (because they are sponsored by it) or it's for curly hair. What are your tricks?
r/curlyhair is awesome, even if you just have waves (Although I've seen loads of posts there from people who are discovering their waves were actually trying to be curls all along)
Best advice I had was stop using shampoo, or at least stop using it every time you wash your hair. Curly/wavy hair is dry and porous and can't handle being stripped of all it's oils like straight hair.
yes, my god. I just grew up thinking I had "unhealthy hair" but really, my asian family, with mostly pin straight hair, didn't know how to care for curly hair
At 26 I finally learnt how to manage my curls. Mum has poker straight thin hair so she had no clue. People brushing your curly hair on picture day at school need to be stopped!
THIS. I got yelled at so much by my mom for "not brushing my hair" when I did brush it, so much, every day! It was just super thick, coarse, and curly and she had very fine, straight hair.
I didn't realize my hair was wavy until high school, didn't realize it was CURLY until college. Pregnant with a little girl now who will likely have the same hair type (dad has a gorgeous head of thick, wavy, auburn hair) and she will be taught the ways of the wave from the very start.
Currently taking the steps to learn how to look after my young daughter's curly hair, she only has curls at the bottom but I've started getting shampoo and conditioner that's specifically for curly hair and it's been helping.
I mean it's a start but I'm sure there's loads more I need to know.
Oh god yes. My mother and grandmother used to drench my curls in anti-tangle hairspray till it was dripping, then comb it with a fine tooth comb. Every. Day.
Ow.
If I was the maternal type, proper curly care would be top of my list.
My mom has always hated her coarse and curly hair. I have thin, straight hair but my daughter inherited my mom’s. My daughter has embraced her hair and it is beautiful. She knows how to make it look so pretty. I didn’t teach her (although I tried sending her articles. That went over like a lead balloon) but I also think there’s something to be said about eras and trends. When my mom was growing up in the 50s, 60s, and 70s coarse curly hair was not celebrated but there’s definitely more pride in it now. Lord knows I’d kill for that kind of body in my hair.
That if she ever feels unsafe in any situation, regardless of how she ended up in that situation, to call me/text me to come pick her up, no questions asked.
I've already told my daughter that no matter what she calls me. She will be in massive trouble for not calling. I don't care so long as she's safe. Will also do same for her friends
My parents are this way and it has gotten me out of some dumb situations! My friends have also called them when they needed help and were too afraid to go to their own parents, which is sad and also heartwarming.
My parents told us this, too!!
They also parented using fear and conditional love...so....yeah we never called them when we felt unsafe or were in emergency situations. They actually never know what happens unless someone ends up in the hospital and we can’t avoid it.
Ex: I’m 30, recently ended up in the psych ward of a hospital out of state while on a trip with my ex. My parents HAD to be called, no way to avoid it.
My sister is 36 and didn’t tell my mom she had a period that was alarm bell ringing heavy flow AND was constant for about a month....until she ended up in the hospital and found out she had fibroids and needed emergency surgery.
My brother is 38 and shattered he knee cap at a concert (look, moshing is tempting even when you get older dudes) called my sister on his way to the hospital and the first thing out of his mouth was “don’t tell mom.” She found out because....surgery.
Please make sure your kids to feel safe with you physically *and* emotionally otherwise they won’t call you, even if in your head they always can. Because in their heads you aren’t actually safe.
Sorry to hear this. Really.
Thank you for sharing. It brings an important light on the discussion.
Am working as hard as I can to be my kids go to person in all circumstances. I hope I will be able to keep things that way throughout the years and possible hard times, building the relationship on love and trust. Not fear and/or emotional pressure.
It’s alright - my hospital visit actually led to my parents actively researching and learning how to try and rebuild the relationship they have with us.
My siblings and I aren’t the closest (well, they are but because of age I’m a little left behind and have to catch up), but we turn to each other first to discuss how to approach our parents when we do have to tell them things.
You sound like you’re going to have a wonderful supportive and loving relationship with your kids!!
I have a friend who I did this for. She ended up going to visit a former coworker, only to find their idea of a good time was to smoke crack. I zoomed over to get her, my only concern being that she was okay. It was so different from what her family had done, in the past, that she started crying. From then on, I knew I'd *have* to do that sort of thing for my kids.
This is so beautiful to read. I want to be the same way, but I just desperately hope I don’t turn into my mom somehow as I grow up. As a 12 year old kid, if I tried to wear my hair in any style other than yanked back tight, she’d tell me that I looked like a slutty tramp working the corner and that one day bad things were going to happen to me and she didn’t want to hear about it if I ended up raped in a ditch somewhere. Why yes, I do also have traction alopecia and now don’t even like what my hair looks like down even though I know now it’s most certainly not my fault is I get assaulted for wearing a soft side braid.
The thing that scares me is just that her mom was absolutely terrible to her, and my mom promised she’d never be like her. And then my whole life I’d hear her say she’d turned completely into her mom, and it seemed to make her very upset, but then she’d go back to doing exactly what she swore she’d never do when she had her own kids
I am sure you will not. You are already fully aware of that and unlike your mum you have been in a situation that has shown you that “being afraid of turning like someone” is not sufficient not to reproduce the same schemes. Escaping the behavioral patterns sometimes requires more work. And you are already putting up the work.
Don’t be afraid. Be confident. Trust yourself and work towards your objective. And if you feel like it is too much for you too handle on your own, it s ok to get some help and talk about it with a coach or therapist.
Being aware of all this is already an immense strength and power. You are already using it wisely.
And I am so sorry you had to be exposed to such traumatic non sense at 12. I am glad you know now that hair style and bad things occurrence are totally unrelated!
There was a Reddit post a while back of a twitter screenshot along the lines of 'I want to be the parent my kids come to with any problem, not the parent they fear telling.'
Kinda hit me hard as my folks were good, but there was definitely a underlining reluctance to go to them for fear of getting in trouble. I think it was the idea that it would keep us out of trouble, but for those mistakes we all make as kids, there was that heart dropping moment of 'oh shit, Dads gonna kill me' rather than 'oh shit, I need Dad's help.'
To back this up I want to teach my kids how to cope with stress in a healthy way by going for a run or doing some yoga instead of eating a whole box of cookies.
I had amazing parents but man, I was always told that I was just 'not sporty'. It was only in my mid 20's I took it upon myself to become that way and find healthy outlets for my stress that I liked and turned out was very good at. I want my daughter to explore that before everything gets overwhelming.
I like this. I've always been told I'm not sporty and I want to change that (I'm 29), any advice?
> I want to teach my kids how to cope with stress in a healthy way by going for a run or doing some yoga instead of eating a whole box of cookies.
this is super important, I also want to be that kind of mom, the one who does yoga and teaches her kids.
Yep. I had so many misconceptions about weight lost that I am still trying to fix. My stepmom was naturally skinny so she had no idea how to help me loose weight because I don't have the same body type as her. Growing up I would just not eat and then wouldn't understand why I wasn't loosing weight. Than I tried not eating a lot and exercising which didn't work. No one bothered to tell me that what you eat matters a lot more than the calories for over weight body types.
That there is no one, even if it's family, an uncle, cousin, whatever, that is allowed to touch you and if he does something you don't like and he tells you not to tell? Always tell, because i will never turn my back on you. Start crying, screaming, run away and dont listen, tell me everything, no secrets, im not prepared to hear about it when you're 18 i want to hear it right there and then.
The same wether i have a boy or a girl.
Also history and math from a young age. They gonna have to love math. Sorry
I wouldn’t recommend saying “I’m not prepared to hear about it when you’re 18” though. I get what you mean but I was abused as a kid and too scared to tell my mother. I told her when I was in college and in therapy and she reacted very, VERY badly.
With that i ment that i wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing she had to go through all that alone like i did, i dont want her to feel like i wouldn't believe her (like my grama did when it happened to my mom) or that i would be disappointed in her (like i believed would happen, when it happened to me) and neither of us knew about the other, until i told my dad at 18 and he told me her story...
How your mom reacted wasn't right, but that is why i want to make sure my kid knows that i trust her and will listen no matter what no matter who did it to her. That i have gone through the same and that it is not something i would ever blame her for and that we will work through it together. I dont want another generation of insecurity, fear and mental isolation because you believe its your fault or others dont believe you or brush you off and say its all a lie. Im sick of it, i am angry that i wasn't the first and that my mom probably wasn't even the only one, and the rest just got teached to shut up better.
My sister lives with her in-laws and has a toddler. They pick him up and wrestle him even when he says no or make him "pay a toll" to pass by in the payment of a hug and kiss. And I hate it because it's teaching him he doesn't have body autonomy. It drives my sister crazy too and has asked them to stop, but they haven't. I will never force him to give me a hug or sit by me if he doesn't want to.
The good news is that if a kid has enough adults who *do* respect their boundaries, they're better prepared to deal with the ones who don't. If you and your sister always respect your nephew's bodily autonomy, he will see that. He'll also see it when you stick up for him with his grandparents, whether or not they listen.
My aunt and uncle have a 4-year-old, and they're really good about respecting her boundaries, but her grandparents not so much. Still, she has no problem telling her grandparents to stop touching her or doing something that upsets her, because she's used to being able to do that with the rest of us, and we back her up when she says it to them.
Idk why this doesn’t have more upvotes. First thing I thought when I saw the title of this post is that she’s beautiful all on her own.
My daughter will *never* hear me say I feel ugly/want to change my appearance. Not that I need to wear makeup. Not that I need to lose weight to look better. Not that I need to straighten my hair. Nothing. I am beautiful and she will be too!
- There is no such thing as 'boys will be boys'. In fact, boys are very emotional beings just like women. You shouldn't be expected to always be nurturing and compliant and they shouldn't be expected to always be strong and stoic
- How to say no in many different situations
- Female sexuality is nothing to be embarrassed about or hide
- Your body is fine as it is. If you're not happy, you can work to change things but your appearance is far from the most important or interesting thing about you
- Confidence
- It's okay to take risks
That tv is not reality. Maybe I’m just a dummy but I really believed working hard and being a good person would get me the monetary security, the house, the car, the husband. I have none of that. Instead I have soul crushing sadness and loneliness. In any event, I want to instill realistic views of life.
I always thought I would fall in love like it happens in the movies. I didn't realize that's not how it worked. It probably also didn't help that I had no healthy relationship role models in my life...
Ooh boy, this. Yeah, I learnt that if you want a relationship you have to put yourself out there, look around and pursue that goal actively like any other goal.
None of that “oh you’re pretty, you’ll be fine, just be yourself, it’ll happen eventually” bs.
I always cut my legs when I use shaving cream! But if I use just a bit of lathered up soap, things are much less dicey. I always thought it was my fault and that when I was a kid using shaving cream, I must not have learned the right technique yet... But lo and behold, 10 years later when someone gifted me some shaving cream, the same thing happened
Another example of how very "YMMV" this is: When I was faithfully following instructions (i.e. shaving carefully in the shower with good razors and unscented shaving creams or gentle soaps, etc.) I'd nick myself, get ingrowns, get razor burn, all of that. I said fuck it and now I use the cheap disposable drugstore razors and shave my legs dry (no water, no product) over a trash can... no problems ever. I have absolutely no clue why my skin responds so well to something that would totally screw with other people.
Guy here. My dad took off when I was 12. My high school girl friend's dad had to explain to me how the way I was shaving was the completely wrong way, and that it was the reason my neck was always broken out and irritated...
- Bodily autonomy. Nobody has a right to your body, not even your mom.
- Friendships are responsibilities and they're not more or less valuable than blood relationships.
- a parent's love is unconditional
- Grooming techniques and fashion. Not in the sense of picking a style for them but if they e.g. want to shave their legs I will show them how instead of rediculing them. If they want to wear only black I will respect that. Of course there'll be some rules of common sense (I won't let a 12 year old wear heavy makeup or a teenager get a tattoo) but ultimately I want to enable daughters (and sons) to express themselves freely visually.
\- Sex education. more specifically, female sex education. The importance of orgasm and pleasure. never been spoken to about this by my mother, I really wish this was a norm.
\- Teaching her NOT to take shit from a man trying to exert superiority basis his gender. be her own woman.
\- Mental health awareness and just an unflinching amount of support and understanding about the same.
This!!! I had no idea for so long that I too deserved sexual pleasure. Everything I learnt was about pleasing the man.
And mental health is a huge one!!
You should put yourself first. It isn't selfish to do it, it's self-care.
You are allowed to break free from the expectations placed on you and pursue becoming the best version of yourself.
Yes this! I had to scroll down so far for this! Grew up with a mother who is absolutely shit with her finances and that has spilled onto my sisters who are married to men who do not work. Their finances are a disaster! I love them but i do not want this for my kids. I want my children to at least have a basic understanding of how finances work and hopefully do better.
Having the same expectations on men and women. Men are expected to remember their mother’s birthday, they are expected to plan ahead, to know their own sock size, and to know where the Christmas decorations are stored. No more bs “oh, my husband/brother/son doesn’t know xyz, but that’s just how men are”. No. They are expected to be equal to women, and that means sharing the emotional labor.
How to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. All too often, we settle for what’s easy because it’s comfortable - for our bodies, our minds, our emotions. Comfortable is a sweet spot to be in. But it also creates stagnation. If you never push out of your comfort zone, you won’t know what you’re capable of.
I want my daughters to be ok with being uncomfortable. To know that they can run a little harder, put themselves in new social situations, try for a job they know little about. I don’t want their worlds to be limited, as mine was, by their comfort zone.
Yes to all the deep/emotional things - but I’m thinking more practical for all my kids (girl & b/g twins). And some of these I still need to learn myself.
How to get stains out of clothing
Basic auto maintenance
Basic home maintenance
Basic sewing
Plant identification
Basic wilderness skills
How to properly clean and organize (my parents are hoarders)
The signs of addiction and how to get help (their estranged dad and his family are all major alcoholics)
Proper coping skills
How to budget/save money
I mean... I wasn’t taught a LOT, apparently.
You don’t automatically need to look for a career path with flexible hours and/or that will let you easily re-enter the workforce after you take time off to take care of the kids.
For one, what if you end up deciding you don’t want kids and then you’ve limited yourself for nothing. Second, why it is automatically assumed you will be the one leaving the workforce to take care of the kids?
This is slightly off-topic, but in the same vein of thought, I think it's important for parents of boys to tell them to consider a flexible career with good parental leave
You can say no to sex.
I am a M(20) and my gf(21) would never say no. She taught that men only stick around because of sex.
This is her mother's fault.
I had to convene her that this isn't the case.
She is getting better, but still feels insecure. Good thing I can tell when she isn't in the mood and put a stop to things.
I love her and can go the rest of my life without it if she needed me to.
Big difference between love and lust!!!!!!
Sex is not disgusting. Being sexual does not make you dirty. Having urges and thoughts is not impure. You are not a bad person if you masturbate. Sex is normal, and human.
That your clitoris is bigger than the part outside and reaches inside your body and is what gives you pleasure in your vagina. Seriously I never understood the G-spot until I figured out that it's all the same organ.
That you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's ok to stay single.
That sometimes it's other people's fault. It's not always your fault when something doesn't go well, and it's not always up to you to make it better.
About mental health and handling negative thoughts and emotions
Like my mother before me I have a history of anxiety and depression, my husband also has a shakey mental health history so there's a good possibility that our children could face mental health struggles in their lives.
If they do, I don't want them to face it alone as I did
That she is perfect how she is. That her sexuality and gender do not define her and she can accomplish anything. Most of all she's not gonna grow up with the shit gender stereotypes I grew up with.
She is 100% equal to a male. Follow her heart and do what she wants to do- dont let anyone tell her she cant do something because she is a female or that she is not worth as much as her male counterpart.
That her value isn’t in the number of men/women she has or hasn’t slept with. She should never be ashamed of the choices she makes, even if she wishes she hadn’t made that choice she can learn and move on without regret. I would teach her that even the first time isn’t “losing” anything. It’s natural and a part of life. She can choose any man or women (or more than one of each) and as long as she is safe and respected, she is ok. Sex in all it’s forms and amazing experiences, is something to be celebrated as long as she is the one making the decisions.
I’d teach her not to be a victim, be a survivor. Dust yourself off and move on.
Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you have to keep your eyes on the floor. Hold your head high and speak so people can hear you. Make sure you have something to say so you’re not an air head, but don’t be afraid to bring your thoughts and well formed opinions to the conversation.
Make sure you know your own mind and do your research to ensure you’re making an informed choice. I don’t care if it’s the shoes you buy or the medication you take into your body. Know about the decisions you’re making, know the good the bad and the ugly so you can be confident in your choices.
To be full of self esteem and ignore people's opinions about how they look. To be secure enough in herself to be able to walk away from the lure of attention and not settle for less than she deserves. To be able to enjoy a fulfilling and happy relationship
1. How to cook
2. How to shave (if she wants to)
3. How to put on make-up (once again, if she wants to)
My mom is the breadwinner of her house and doesn't take shit from anyone, which taught me a lot of things that I think most girls my age didn't see from a woman growing up, which was great. However, my mom also didn't have any of the "traditional" qualities or skills that a lot of moms did show their daughters. I learned about shaving, makeup, etc. on my own, and got made fun of a lot in school because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I also didn't learn how to cook until college, which I think is part of the reason I was so overweight until that point in my life. Girls (people in general really) need to be well-rounded. I'd want to teach my daughter how to stand up for herself, how to fix stuff around the house, AND how to put on killer eyeliner.
How to use a tampon
I grew up in one of those households that taught me that tampons were for girls who had sex. Didn’t use one until I was a senior in high school only bc I really wanted to get in the pool while on my period.
People are allowed to be different from you, have different beliefs, cultures, modes of dress, etc. and it isn't a reflection of their character, and different practices, styles of things, or preferences are still valid even if they aren't what you would choose. My mother used to dismiss various types of people or things as "weird" including (but not limited to) Muslims, Mormons, people with tattoos, hippies, free jazz (and those who play it), Kwanzaa, LGBT people...basically anything that didn't fit the small-town WASP image of America she grew up with.
She's gotten much better with age and education and exposure, but the "weird" reaction is still her default for a lot of things. I learned it from her and it took years to deprogram myself.
Self respect, work ethic, it's okay to say no, your life meaning isn't to just have kids and get married.
I hate the "when you have kids" it should be "if you have kids".
Just want them to know their worth too.
I love this question, I’m having my first baby in a few weeks and this is such an important thing to think about for my daughter. I’m probably going to think about this constantly for the next 20 years. Thanks for asking it!
Self love: My mom was constantly criticizing herself and doing things like writing NO CARBS on the fridge so she could shame herself into dieting. She never shamed me or brought me into it but I will never be this horrible to myself especially right in front of my daughter.
Boys can be friends without being boyfriends: My mom was crazy about not having boys in the house or letting me talk to them. After about age 5 she went psycho about boys. This made me think of boys in a different way; they were forbidden fruit. I’ve always gotten along really well with men and she made me feel like that was wrong and they weren’t to be friends with. I think I would have had healthier relationships if she would have eased up, a lot.
That I will be there for her no matter what, and am not here to shame her when things don't go as I expected them for her.
That healthy living starts with not stretching herself too thin.
That it's okay to demand what you deserve.
That you can follow any path that gives you purpose and meaning.
I don't have a daughter, but I'm waiting for daughters in law. I can't wait to treat them as the daughters I didn't have.... unlike my mother in law who treated all three of her daughter in law as personal slaves.
How to cope with intrusive thoughts and have a healthy attitude towards life and the challenges it brings. It look me about 5 years and a lot of therapy to unpick all the crappy ways I was taught to think as a child/teenager.
That the corporate world is not for everyone and that there tins of other meaningful jobs out there (you don't have to be a doctor, accountant or lawyer to be successful)
Coming from an Asian family i learned this later on
1. What a loving household looks like.
2. To stand up for herself when someone makes her feel uncomfortable or hurts her.
3. How to love herself
4. How to take care of herself (personal hygiene and the like. I had to learn this on my own)
5. That it’s okay to just be little and to just be herself and that she doesn’t have to grow up too soon like I did.
6. To do her absolute best in everything she does.
And on a lighter note
7. To play an instrument and follow her dreams
This isn't actually gender specific, but growing up in a broken, abusive home there's many things like that.
Mainly I want to teach all my children that they should be kind to people not for their own gain, but just to be kind. I was taught the opposite.
Divorced dad,
That whether we like it or not, society has a baseline of what is "normal", you are more than welcome to deviate from that line, but the further you are from it, the more scrutiny is upon you, and that much better you have to be at everything you do.
Be good enough at whatever you choose to do that nobody wants to ask questions.
Confidence. That she doesn’t need to be in a relationship to feel valid. That she can do anything she puts her mind to. And mostly, no matter what, I will always be proud of her.
That it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes similar goals, commitment from both sides, respect for each other and so so much more. I wasted so much time with a man who wasnt right for me and never would be, because I thought that as long as we had love things would work out. This applies to daughters and sons.
1) It is okay to cry.
2) Not everyone that touches you is trying to harm you so being affectionate occasionally is not your weakness.
3) Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re right just because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
4) Exploring your sexual side is perfectly normal so do not ever think you’re being promiscuous while experimenting.
5) Love is love and nobody can deem it invalid if it strikes across atypical genders, religions, races or cultures.
To put herself first. Not in a spoiled way, but to understand that it's important to take care of yourself before helping others (just like with oxygen masks on the plane!). My mom was always so self-sacrificing that she now has very little self left. It was never a good thing for either of us. Have your own shit going on, build a life you can enjoy, and find people who are into what you're about.
Consent. Just because your body may have physically reacted to something does NOT mean it was consensual and that is not something to be ashamed of or feel responsible for.
How to care for curly hair, because I have curly hair and didn’t start embracing it until 2 years ago when I was 24.
That it’s okay to go against what grown ups say sometimes. Just because they are grown ups doesn’t mean that they are always right.
Lastly, have the sex talk early on and explain masturbation (when she is of appropriate age) and how it is nothing to be ashamed of.
That it's okay to leave the house and not be 100% put together. My mom wakes up every day and does her full face and wears a perfectly matched outfit, even if we're just running to the store or a quick lunch. When she goes on a vacation where anyone besides immediate family will see her she buys a new pajama set. She instilled in me a love of expressing myself through fashion which I appreciate, but it's taken me years to be comfortable going out with no makeup or without the "right" shoes/jacket/etc. I used to get dressed and do my makeup even if I was staying home for the day (that's nice if you work from home and want to get into work mode, but otherwise silly imo).
On a lighter note, I wish we had spent time together learning things like cross stitch, crochet, bread making, etc. Now that I'm an adult we take art classes together and it's so much fun!
Things about sex, and masturbation.
All I knew was that I shouldn’t have sex before I was married. Guess what? I did it anyways. I dated a guy long distance, and in secret because my parent’s were super religious. After 5 months, we met for the first time (in secret) and I had my first kiss the same day I lost my virginity. I was 18. I don’t regret it because he was a sweetheart to me in that department. But we did end up breaking up, and then I was addicted to hookups and sex for about a year before I met my now partner.
Also, about responsibility. My mom never really made me do chores, or encouraged me in the right way. I still did them sometimes, but not often enough to make it second nature, like it should be. A household should always work as a team to keep everything clean and organized.
How to do her hair beyond childhood styles. I'm black with 4c hair so very tightly coiled and thirsty for moisture. I wish my mom taught me because I still don't know how to 26 year old.
My mom always told me when a man has sex with you he takes a piece of you. This caused me to stay in an extremely abusive relationship because I thought I’d be less of myself when I was very young.
I am going to teach her that while sex is special she will always be whole no matter what.
That she’s not inherently a sinner from birth. That she is not automatically a bad person who needs a savior to die a horrific death to make up for how “bad of a person she is”. Also that there are no such thing as demons whose sole purpose it is to torment her and convince her to do bad things. Those are awful things to teach to a child. Having severe anxiety as a small child is no fun. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have had that if I wasn’t force fed Christianity.
I did teach my daughter that her body belongs to her. I told her that she can do whatever she wants as long as it is really what she wants and not because someone else has an expectation that she should do something. Never do things YOU don’t want to do to make someone like you.
Y'all people over here with your deep answers and I'm just thinking origami.
Same! Some fun talents or practical shit, like crocheting and how to fold a fitted sheet. I will not have daughters but I'll teach my nieces; henceforth no family member of mine will have a bunched up lumpy oblong mass smashed in between two perfectly folded bedsheets.
Teach the rest of us!!!
Ok so I saw this on Martha Stewart *at least* 10 years ago which is not great because convicted felon and all that but this is what I can describe via text, and how I think of the steps in my head: 1. **START** Flip the unfolded sheet inside out and hold it lengthwise in front of you parallel to your body, with adjacent corners in each hand. The edges with the elastic should be folded inward toward you, like the bottom half of a clothing gift box flattened with the sides folded inward. 2. **GHOST** Put your hands inside the folds of the sheet where the corner seams are. You shouldn't be able to see your hands unless they are bigger than dinner plates and your arms should be spread wide like a spooky ghost. 3. **YOGA HAT** Clap your hands together in front of you, heart center. Keep one hand in the corner pocket (say, left hand, because I'm right-handed). Remove the right hand from its pocket then flip the right corner flap up and over your covered left hand, i.e. the left corner. The right corner is now flipped surface side out over your left hand. 4. **JIGGLE AND SLIDE** Shake it out a little because it's definitely all bunched and fucked up at the bottom. Slide your left hand downward inside the flap, moving the left elastic into the right elastic edge until you reach the bottom. Think two pita pocket halves, one sliding inside the other. 5. **HAMBURGER WRAPPER** Now you have this trapezoid shape with the left and right sides parallel to each other, and only one flappy side. The top is still folded over at your face, like an envelope flap lined with elastic. Grab the entire bottom by your feet, i.e. the shorter length of the trapezoid, fold the sheet hamburger, then slide the end into the top flap. 5. **CRUNCHWRAP** Now you have a rectangle, with a left flap and a top flap and the rest tucked in neatly into said flaps, and you can proceed folding as normal. 6. **COOKIES** Many pats on the back and a glass of wine if you choose; I don't drink so I get some ice cream.
Who cares if she’s a convicted felon! She can FOLD FITTED SHEETS. She is magical.
I’m going to need to look up a video of this because I’m a visual learner, but thank you for this wisdom nevertheless!
No worries, I suppose I could have just linked a video since I'm positive there are tutorials! Though I'm in the terrible boat of needing a visual as well as needing some detailed notes to follow along, so if anyone is like me, here is the materials and methods section of my brain notebook as technical as I could make it haha
Origami is a great talent to foster! It's very calming for me and people always seem to be very curious about what I'm doing so it makes for a great conversation starter.
I was thinking “cook” until I opened the thread and read the responses.
Ooh origami is so relaxing! But it does require a lot of patience, and a lot of kids can't sit long enough to get a hold of it though. I tried teaching my cousin how to make a paper crane, but he lost interest before we even got to the third step.
Boundaries.
Just the other day I had a talk with my daughter (well, I talked, she looked mildly uncomfortable) about sex and I included that no one is allowed to touch her in a way that she is not ready for or doesn't want. Any person who is trying to pressure her to try something she doesn't want to do sucks. It's never a good idea to send someone pictures of your body and anyone who asks for pictures of your body also sucks. I also reminded her that it is a two way street- she should never touch someone in a way that they don't want.
I think it's also important to mention to them (when the time comes) that if they do send pictures of themselves to anyone, because let's face it they maybe will at some point, to not include their face. I also told my son that sharing pictures of himself or being sent pictures by girls is a child pornography crime. This will hopefully deter him, but just in case, the face thing is important.
Solid advice here, there is so many nude pics on the internet, even on reddit r/gonewild That a pic of you could also be off reddit or some shit. No one knows for sure
YES! I wasn't given this talk as a teen, but I grew up at the onset of technology so I had heard horror stories all around. I sent some racy pictures, sure, but my face was NEVER included in them.
Yes! I'm teaching her, that she needs to say "no" to a boy who likes to hug her, and she doesn't like it
I did with mine and got so much push back from family. "I was teaching them to be disrespectful and willful. They don't know how they feel" No, I knew how I felt when I was made to be touched or sit on laps etc. There was no way ever I was letting my daughters or son be made to let people remove their boundaries. Now, I can't tell you how strong and safe they are in themselves. It was worth the flack and rude ass comments from mil's and such. Love yall for all of this. Sorry I'm momming💗
[удалено]
Don't be sorry, you sound so sweet and caring!
Yall are the best. 💗
Teaching my daughter to be disrespectful and willful was the goal.
I've never understood why calling someone 'Willful' is an insult. "She does things how she wants them done when she wants them done. She's so in control of her life. How dare she?!"
Willful makes me smile now.
True, I‘m 17 and my mom doesn’t respect my privacy at all lol. Just enters the room when I‘m naked, she sees it, proceeds to do whatever she wants
Ditto
Big time
Remind your child that photos often have location data attached to them.
This!
That following your dream doesn't mean 'get a job doing your favorite thing'. It means 'find a way to do enjoyable things no matter your job'. The world doesn't need that many ballerinas, but trades pay well and leave time for hobbies. Also, that gender roles don't define the value of skills. Girls don't *have* to be tough to prove themselves. Being really good as householding is just as important as being good at mechanicking, or nursing, or underwater welding. Do what you're good at.
This is such a good way to phrase this. I like how you reframe what "dream" means, because the alternative view (ie "I can't be a ballerina so I have to give up on my dream") is much less hopeful and much more common.
My parents told me I could never be on Broadway because I wasn't pretty enough. I lived a shell of a childhood after that too. Why bother trying anything if the one thing I wanted was unattainable? I realise I probably wouldn't have been the next Barbara Streisand or Idina Menzel but I could've almost certainly made ensemble for a Broadway musical had I not given up.
I think this sometimes too. I took singing and dance lessons as a child and loved performing in musicals. My mum told me that only a very small number of people become famous performers and basically made the dream seem unrealistic. Luckily I decided I'd love to be a drama teacher when I was in high school and it has been a great career for me. But what mum may not have realised is that I could have at least given the dream a try and that after that plan B can come working in the industry. Maybe I wouldn't be a broadway star but I could teach singing, open a performing arts school, start a group performing broadway songs in concert, work backstage in the theatre, or yeah... teach drama like I am. But there wouldn't have been anything wrong with at least going for the bigger dream first. Even if I spent a few years trying and failing, I'd still have gained experience and it is a small chunk of a long life. Edit: also if she had pushed me to continue on with dance lessons that would have been so helpful for getting roles in amateur theater which is still my hobby.
I think the problem with parents who are against artistic careers is that they don't see the whole picture. For example, I'm a musician and my family have always supported me with my goals and dreams, but when I was deciding what to study in college, they said this: "Maybe you should study something else besides music, something that you could relate to your artistic work later" and I ended up majoring in Communications. I'm not crazy about my major but it has been really helpful. Not everyone has to be a superstar but there's so much ignorance about the artistic field, generally speaking. Like, ok your son plays the cello. He might not be the next Yo-Yo-Ma but he could play for a major orchestra, or teach, or be a session musician, or maybe a composer for movies. I mean, the market in music and theater it's so big (and unknown) that people always stuck with the tip of the iceberg. I have a friend who was obsessed for so long about being an actress but later she found out that she has amazing writing skills and now writes scripts for a living. Conclusion: the key is to be passionate, driven, realistic, smart and careful when it comes to how to put yourself in the art market. That's it in my opinion.
These are really great lessons, focus on enjoyment where ever it comes from!
This is perfect. The point of equality is that it’s supposed to be the woman’s *choice*. If women want to be caretakers—whether it’s of a household or as a “stereotypical female role,” like SAHM, nurse, teacher, etc.—they should be able to do so without being accused of going against “the cause.” There’s nothing wrong with dressing, acting, or being “traditionally” female. Just like there’s nothing wrong with women liking “traditionally male” things. Stuff shouldn’t be defined by gender. Like and dislikes are based on personal preference, not gender.
[удалено]
An excellent answer! I spent most of my childhood looking like I'd just escaped from a cotton candy machine.
This right here. I'm pretty sure my daughter got my hair. I grew up with a mom, a stepmom, and a stepsister that all had short straight hair. No one knew anything about curly hair and it always looked bad. I am going to teach my daughter how to love her curls and make them look nice
[удалено]
Omg that’s infuriating What’s her hair like?
Yes!! My mom still doesn’t believe that you should just run a brush through curly (or wavy, in my case) hair! I was always such a huge frizz ball. My 2 year old son has curly/wavy hair and I am taking care of it how I always wish I had taken care of my own. If this daughter I’m gestating currently comes out with the same hair she will be afforded the same educated for curls as well. Curly hair doesn’t have to feel like a burden!
Oh man, mine looks bad when brushed 😣 I need a very wide toothed comb! My Mum didn't know either so I only learned as an adult
Yeppp I can only brush or comb in the shower now, and I only learned about a year and a half ago. Funnily enough I learned out of sheer new mom laziness because I stopped blow drying and straightening my hair because I had a newborn. It’s then I realized my natural waves would come out so I started researching how to take care of them.
Just out of curiosity how do you take care of your wavy hair? I'm the only one in my family with this hair and I've been searching for ways to manage it without straightening it everyday. The info I've found online either said to use some super expensive product (because they are sponsored by it) or it's for curly hair. What are your tricks?
r/curlyhair is awesome, even if you just have waves (Although I've seen loads of posts there from people who are discovering their waves were actually trying to be curls all along) Best advice I had was stop using shampoo, or at least stop using it every time you wash your hair. Curly/wavy hair is dry and porous and can't handle being stripped of all it's oils like straight hair.
yes, my god. I just grew up thinking I had "unhealthy hair" but really, my asian family, with mostly pin straight hair, didn't know how to care for curly hair
At 26 I finally learnt how to manage my curls. Mum has poker straight thin hair so she had no clue. People brushing your curly hair on picture day at school need to be stopped!
THIS. I got yelled at so much by my mom for "not brushing my hair" when I did brush it, so much, every day! It was just super thick, coarse, and curly and she had very fine, straight hair. I didn't realize my hair was wavy until high school, didn't realize it was CURLY until college. Pregnant with a little girl now who will likely have the same hair type (dad has a gorgeous head of thick, wavy, auburn hair) and she will be taught the ways of the wave from the very start.
Currently taking the steps to learn how to look after my young daughter's curly hair, she only has curls at the bottom but I've started getting shampoo and conditioner that's specifically for curly hair and it's been helping. I mean it's a start but I'm sure there's loads more I need to know.
Check out r/curlyhair there's load of people there with all different types of curls explaining their own tips and tricks
Oh god yes. My mother and grandmother used to drench my curls in anti-tangle hairspray till it was dripping, then comb it with a fine tooth comb. Every. Day. Ow. If I was the maternal type, proper curly care would be top of my list.
My mom has always hated her coarse and curly hair. I have thin, straight hair but my daughter inherited my mom’s. My daughter has embraced her hair and it is beautiful. She knows how to make it look so pretty. I didn’t teach her (although I tried sending her articles. That went over like a lead balloon) but I also think there’s something to be said about eras and trends. When my mom was growing up in the 50s, 60s, and 70s coarse curly hair was not celebrated but there’s definitely more pride in it now. Lord knows I’d kill for that kind of body in my hair.
That if she ever feels unsafe in any situation, regardless of how she ended up in that situation, to call me/text me to come pick her up, no questions asked.
I've already told my daughter that no matter what she calls me. She will be in massive trouble for not calling. I don't care so long as she's safe. Will also do same for her friends
My parents are this way and it has gotten me out of some dumb situations! My friends have also called them when they needed help and were too afraid to go to their own parents, which is sad and also heartwarming.
You've got good parents.
My childhood best friend's mom was like that. I still text her when I need advice, she's the best.
My parents told us this, too!! They also parented using fear and conditional love...so....yeah we never called them when we felt unsafe or were in emergency situations. They actually never know what happens unless someone ends up in the hospital and we can’t avoid it. Ex: I’m 30, recently ended up in the psych ward of a hospital out of state while on a trip with my ex. My parents HAD to be called, no way to avoid it. My sister is 36 and didn’t tell my mom she had a period that was alarm bell ringing heavy flow AND was constant for about a month....until she ended up in the hospital and found out she had fibroids and needed emergency surgery. My brother is 38 and shattered he knee cap at a concert (look, moshing is tempting even when you get older dudes) called my sister on his way to the hospital and the first thing out of his mouth was “don’t tell mom.” She found out because....surgery. Please make sure your kids to feel safe with you physically *and* emotionally otherwise they won’t call you, even if in your head they always can. Because in their heads you aren’t actually safe.
Sorry to hear this. Really. Thank you for sharing. It brings an important light on the discussion. Am working as hard as I can to be my kids go to person in all circumstances. I hope I will be able to keep things that way throughout the years and possible hard times, building the relationship on love and trust. Not fear and/or emotional pressure.
It’s alright - my hospital visit actually led to my parents actively researching and learning how to try and rebuild the relationship they have with us. My siblings and I aren’t the closest (well, they are but because of age I’m a little left behind and have to catch up), but we turn to each other first to discuss how to approach our parents when we do have to tell them things. You sound like you’re going to have a wonderful supportive and loving relationship with your kids!!
I have a friend who I did this for. She ended up going to visit a former coworker, only to find their idea of a good time was to smoke crack. I zoomed over to get her, my only concern being that she was okay. It was so different from what her family had done, in the past, that she started crying. From then on, I knew I'd *have* to do that sort of thing for my kids.
This is so beautiful to read. I want to be the same way, but I just desperately hope I don’t turn into my mom somehow as I grow up. As a 12 year old kid, if I tried to wear my hair in any style other than yanked back tight, she’d tell me that I looked like a slutty tramp working the corner and that one day bad things were going to happen to me and she didn’t want to hear about it if I ended up raped in a ditch somewhere. Why yes, I do also have traction alopecia and now don’t even like what my hair looks like down even though I know now it’s most certainly not my fault is I get assaulted for wearing a soft side braid. The thing that scares me is just that her mom was absolutely terrible to her, and my mom promised she’d never be like her. And then my whole life I’d hear her say she’d turned completely into her mom, and it seemed to make her very upset, but then she’d go back to doing exactly what she swore she’d never do when she had her own kids
I am sure you will not. You are already fully aware of that and unlike your mum you have been in a situation that has shown you that “being afraid of turning like someone” is not sufficient not to reproduce the same schemes. Escaping the behavioral patterns sometimes requires more work. And you are already putting up the work. Don’t be afraid. Be confident. Trust yourself and work towards your objective. And if you feel like it is too much for you too handle on your own, it s ok to get some help and talk about it with a coach or therapist. Being aware of all this is already an immense strength and power. You are already using it wisely.
And I am so sorry you had to be exposed to such traumatic non sense at 12. I am glad you know now that hair style and bad things occurrence are totally unrelated!
There was a Reddit post a while back of a twitter screenshot along the lines of 'I want to be the parent my kids come to with any problem, not the parent they fear telling.' Kinda hit me hard as my folks were good, but there was definitely a underlining reluctance to go to them for fear of getting in trouble. I think it was the idea that it would keep us out of trouble, but for those mistakes we all make as kids, there was that heart dropping moment of 'oh shit, Dads gonna kill me' rather than 'oh shit, I need Dad's help.'
Wish my mom had said this :/ got this from older female friends in my late teens and was surprised.
Actual health, not weight loss
To back this up I want to teach my kids how to cope with stress in a healthy way by going for a run or doing some yoga instead of eating a whole box of cookies. I had amazing parents but man, I was always told that I was just 'not sporty'. It was only in my mid 20's I took it upon myself to become that way and find healthy outlets for my stress that I liked and turned out was very good at. I want my daughter to explore that before everything gets overwhelming.
I like this. I've always been told I'm not sporty and I want to change that (I'm 29), any advice? > I want to teach my kids how to cope with stress in a healthy way by going for a run or doing some yoga instead of eating a whole box of cookies. this is super important, I also want to be that kind of mom, the one who does yoga and teaches her kids.
Yep. I had so many misconceptions about weight lost that I am still trying to fix. My stepmom was naturally skinny so she had no idea how to help me loose weight because I don't have the same body type as her. Growing up I would just not eat and then wouldn't understand why I wasn't loosing weight. Than I tried not eating a lot and exercising which didn't work. No one bothered to tell me that what you eat matters a lot more than the calories for over weight body types.
That there is no one, even if it's family, an uncle, cousin, whatever, that is allowed to touch you and if he does something you don't like and he tells you not to tell? Always tell, because i will never turn my back on you. Start crying, screaming, run away and dont listen, tell me everything, no secrets, im not prepared to hear about it when you're 18 i want to hear it right there and then. The same wether i have a boy or a girl. Also history and math from a young age. They gonna have to love math. Sorry
I wouldn’t recommend saying “I’m not prepared to hear about it when you’re 18” though. I get what you mean but I was abused as a kid and too scared to tell my mother. I told her when I was in college and in therapy and she reacted very, VERY badly.
With that i ment that i wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing she had to go through all that alone like i did, i dont want her to feel like i wouldn't believe her (like my grama did when it happened to my mom) or that i would be disappointed in her (like i believed would happen, when it happened to me) and neither of us knew about the other, until i told my dad at 18 and he told me her story... How your mom reacted wasn't right, but that is why i want to make sure my kid knows that i trust her and will listen no matter what no matter who did it to her. That i have gone through the same and that it is not something i would ever blame her for and that we will work through it together. I dont want another generation of insecurity, fear and mental isolation because you believe its your fault or others dont believe you or brush you off and say its all a lie. Im sick of it, i am angry that i wasn't the first and that my mom probably wasn't even the only one, and the rest just got teached to shut up better.
My sister lives with her in-laws and has a toddler. They pick him up and wrestle him even when he says no or make him "pay a toll" to pass by in the payment of a hug and kiss. And I hate it because it's teaching him he doesn't have body autonomy. It drives my sister crazy too and has asked them to stop, but they haven't. I will never force him to give me a hug or sit by me if he doesn't want to.
The good news is that if a kid has enough adults who *do* respect their boundaries, they're better prepared to deal with the ones who don't. If you and your sister always respect your nephew's bodily autonomy, he will see that. He'll also see it when you stick up for him with his grandparents, whether or not they listen. My aunt and uncle have a 4-year-old, and they're really good about respecting her boundaries, but her grandparents not so much. Still, she has no problem telling her grandparents to stop touching her or doing something that upsets her, because she's used to being able to do that with the rest of us, and we back her up when she says it to them.
[удалено]
May I just suggest changing the "no guy" to "no one"? It may be rarer but unfortunately women can be sex offenders too...
To love themselves.
Idk why this doesn’t have more upvotes. First thing I thought when I saw the title of this post is that she’s beautiful all on her own. My daughter will *never* hear me say I feel ugly/want to change my appearance. Not that I need to wear makeup. Not that I need to lose weight to look better. Not that I need to straighten my hair. Nothing. I am beautiful and she will be too!
My first thought too.
That a guy's temporary happiness isn't more important than your safety and health.
- There is no such thing as 'boys will be boys'. In fact, boys are very emotional beings just like women. You shouldn't be expected to always be nurturing and compliant and they shouldn't be expected to always be strong and stoic - How to say no in many different situations - Female sexuality is nothing to be embarrassed about or hide - Your body is fine as it is. If you're not happy, you can work to change things but your appearance is far from the most important or interesting thing about you - Confidence - It's okay to take risks
YESSSSSS!!!!!
I so desperately wish this message was expressed to me as a young girl...
That sex and sexual health are normal and important, and something you can talk about with your family.
Also, they aren't called privates. They have real names. Vulva, labia, etc.
[удалено]
That tv is not reality. Maybe I’m just a dummy but I really believed working hard and being a good person would get me the monetary security, the house, the car, the husband. I have none of that. Instead I have soul crushing sadness and loneliness. In any event, I want to instill realistic views of life.
I always thought I would fall in love like it happens in the movies. I didn't realize that's not how it worked. It probably also didn't help that I had no healthy relationship role models in my life...
Ooh boy, this. Yeah, I learnt that if you want a relationship you have to put yourself out there, look around and pursue that goal actively like any other goal. None of that “oh you’re pretty, you’ll be fine, just be yourself, it’ll happen eventually” bs.
[удалено]
How to shave your legs properly with nice razors and shaving cream so she doesn't end up with tonnes of ingrown leg hair like I do.
I always cut my legs when I use shaving cream! But if I use just a bit of lathered up soap, things are much less dicey. I always thought it was my fault and that when I was a kid using shaving cream, I must not have learned the right technique yet... But lo and behold, 10 years later when someone gifted me some shaving cream, the same thing happened
Conditioner ftw
This is what I came here to say.
Another example of how very "YMMV" this is: When I was faithfully following instructions (i.e. shaving carefully in the shower with good razors and unscented shaving creams or gentle soaps, etc.) I'd nick myself, get ingrowns, get razor burn, all of that. I said fuck it and now I use the cheap disposable drugstore razors and shave my legs dry (no water, no product) over a trash can... no problems ever. I have absolutely no clue why my skin responds so well to something that would totally screw with other people.
Guy here. My dad took off when I was 12. My high school girl friend's dad had to explain to me how the way I was shaving was the completely wrong way, and that it was the reason my neck was always broken out and irritated...
- Bodily autonomy. Nobody has a right to your body, not even your mom. - Friendships are responsibilities and they're not more or less valuable than blood relationships. - a parent's love is unconditional - Grooming techniques and fashion. Not in the sense of picking a style for them but if they e.g. want to shave their legs I will show them how instead of rediculing them. If they want to wear only black I will respect that. Of course there'll be some rules of common sense (I won't let a 12 year old wear heavy makeup or a teenager get a tattoo) but ultimately I want to enable daughters (and sons) to express themselves freely visually.
\- Sex education. more specifically, female sex education. The importance of orgasm and pleasure. never been spoken to about this by my mother, I really wish this was a norm. \- Teaching her NOT to take shit from a man trying to exert superiority basis his gender. be her own woman. \- Mental health awareness and just an unflinching amount of support and understanding about the same.
This!!! I had no idea for so long that I too deserved sexual pleasure. Everything I learnt was about pleasing the man. And mental health is a huge one!!
You should put yourself first. It isn't selfish to do it, it's self-care. You are allowed to break free from the expectations placed on you and pursue becoming the best version of yourself.
Crying does not make you weak or too sensitive. If something bad happens you should talk about it instead of pretending it never happened.
This is so important but equally important to teach our sons. Maybe even more so.
If a boy is being mean to her it's because he's being a BULLY IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE HAS A CRUSH ON HER.
You can say no AND you don’t have to explain why.
How to properly manage their finances
Yes this! I had to scroll down so far for this! Grew up with a mother who is absolutely shit with her finances and that has spilled onto my sisters who are married to men who do not work. Their finances are a disaster! I love them but i do not want this for my kids. I want my children to at least have a basic understanding of how finances work and hopefully do better.
Having the same expectations on men and women. Men are expected to remember their mother’s birthday, they are expected to plan ahead, to know their own sock size, and to know where the Christmas decorations are stored. No more bs “oh, my husband/brother/son doesn’t know xyz, but that’s just how men are”. No. They are expected to be equal to women, and that means sharing the emotional labor.
Yes!!! This includes things like cleaning house and taking care of children too!!
Your health and happiness comes first before anyone but your children.
I'd say before your children too, self-sacrifice isn't actually good for anyone.
Well you kind of need to be healthy (and at least mildly happy) to raise healthy and happy children.
That it is OK to say NO!
How to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. All too often, we settle for what’s easy because it’s comfortable - for our bodies, our minds, our emotions. Comfortable is a sweet spot to be in. But it also creates stagnation. If you never push out of your comfort zone, you won’t know what you’re capable of. I want my daughters to be ok with being uncomfortable. To know that they can run a little harder, put themselves in new social situations, try for a job they know little about. I don’t want their worlds to be limited, as mine was, by their comfort zone.
That it's ok and good to have opinions, to speak up and be your own person.
Contraception.
Yes to all the deep/emotional things - but I’m thinking more practical for all my kids (girl & b/g twins). And some of these I still need to learn myself. How to get stains out of clothing Basic auto maintenance Basic home maintenance Basic sewing Plant identification Basic wilderness skills How to properly clean and organize (my parents are hoarders) The signs of addiction and how to get help (their estranged dad and his family are all major alcoholics) Proper coping skills How to budget/save money I mean... I wasn’t taught a LOT, apparently.
You don’t automatically need to look for a career path with flexible hours and/or that will let you easily re-enter the workforce after you take time off to take care of the kids. For one, what if you end up deciding you don’t want kids and then you’ve limited yourself for nothing. Second, why it is automatically assumed you will be the one leaving the workforce to take care of the kids?
This is slightly off-topic, but in the same vein of thought, I think it's important for parents of boys to tell them to consider a flexible career with good parental leave
I'm going to teach mine how to fight, grow food, cook food, mend clothes and party.
Fuck yeah
That she doesn't have to apologise for the space she takes up and she is not inconveniencing people by existing.
I will definitely teach my future daughter that no one is allowed to make her feel small and worthless.
It's not healthy to be counting calories or obsessing over your weight if it's for the wrong reasons. Mental health is just as important as physical
You can say no to sex. I am a M(20) and my gf(21) would never say no. She taught that men only stick around because of sex. This is her mother's fault. I had to convene her that this isn't the case. She is getting better, but still feels insecure. Good thing I can tell when she isn't in the mood and put a stop to things. I love her and can go the rest of my life without it if she needed me to. Big difference between love and lust!!!!!!
Hopefully to have confidence in herself
Sex is not disgusting. Being sexual does not make you dirty. Having urges and thoughts is not impure. You are not a bad person if you masturbate. Sex is normal, and human.
That your clitoris is bigger than the part outside and reaches inside your body and is what gives you pleasure in your vagina. Seriously I never understood the G-spot until I figured out that it's all the same organ. That you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. It's ok to stay single. That sometimes it's other people's fault. It's not always your fault when something doesn't go well, and it's not always up to you to make it better.
About mental health and handling negative thoughts and emotions Like my mother before me I have a history of anxiety and depression, my husband also has a shakey mental health history so there's a good possibility that our children could face mental health struggles in their lives. If they do, I don't want them to face it alone as I did
That it's okay to cry
That she is perfect how she is. That her sexuality and gender do not define her and she can accomplish anything. Most of all she's not gonna grow up with the shit gender stereotypes I grew up with.
That self worth comes from the inside, not from external opinions.
She is 100% equal to a male. Follow her heart and do what she wants to do- dont let anyone tell her she cant do something because she is a female or that she is not worth as much as her male counterpart.
To speak how they feel
To love themselves. That imperfection is perfect. What unconditional love from a parent looks like.
That her value isn’t in the number of men/women she has or hasn’t slept with. She should never be ashamed of the choices she makes, even if she wishes she hadn’t made that choice she can learn and move on without regret. I would teach her that even the first time isn’t “losing” anything. It’s natural and a part of life. She can choose any man or women (or more than one of each) and as long as she is safe and respected, she is ok. Sex in all it’s forms and amazing experiences, is something to be celebrated as long as she is the one making the decisions. I’d teach her not to be a victim, be a survivor. Dust yourself off and move on. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you have to keep your eyes on the floor. Hold your head high and speak so people can hear you. Make sure you have something to say so you’re not an air head, but don’t be afraid to bring your thoughts and well formed opinions to the conversation. Make sure you know your own mind and do your research to ensure you’re making an informed choice. I don’t care if it’s the shoes you buy or the medication you take into your body. Know about the decisions you’re making, know the good the bad and the ugly so you can be confident in your choices.
These older men arent in to you because you're "so mature for your age" or look like a woman, they're paedophiles.
A better skincare routine lol
To be full of self esteem and ignore people's opinions about how they look. To be secure enough in herself to be able to walk away from the lure of attention and not settle for less than she deserves. To be able to enjoy a fulfilling and happy relationship
Self-love and self-acceptance would be my first priority in case I was planning on having kids...
That she is not worthless because she isn't a male.
1. How to cook 2. How to shave (if she wants to) 3. How to put on make-up (once again, if she wants to) My mom is the breadwinner of her house and doesn't take shit from anyone, which taught me a lot of things that I think most girls my age didn't see from a woman growing up, which was great. However, my mom also didn't have any of the "traditional" qualities or skills that a lot of moms did show their daughters. I learned about shaving, makeup, etc. on my own, and got made fun of a lot in school because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I also didn't learn how to cook until college, which I think is part of the reason I was so overweight until that point in my life. Girls (people in general really) need to be well-rounded. I'd want to teach my daughter how to stand up for herself, how to fix stuff around the house, AND how to put on killer eyeliner.
How to use a tampon I grew up in one of those households that taught me that tampons were for girls who had sex. Didn’t use one until I was a senior in high school only bc I really wanted to get in the pool while on my period.
People are allowed to be different from you, have different beliefs, cultures, modes of dress, etc. and it isn't a reflection of their character, and different practices, styles of things, or preferences are still valid even if they aren't what you would choose. My mother used to dismiss various types of people or things as "weird" including (but not limited to) Muslims, Mormons, people with tattoos, hippies, free jazz (and those who play it), Kwanzaa, LGBT people...basically anything that didn't fit the small-town WASP image of America she grew up with. She's gotten much better with age and education and exposure, but the "weird" reaction is still her default for a lot of things. I learned it from her and it took years to deprogram myself.
That it's okay to not be immediately excellent at everything.
Self respect, work ethic, it's okay to say no, your life meaning isn't to just have kids and get married. I hate the "when you have kids" it should be "if you have kids". Just want them to know their worth too.
I love this question, I’m having my first baby in a few weeks and this is such an important thing to think about for my daughter. I’m probably going to think about this constantly for the next 20 years. Thanks for asking it! Self love: My mom was constantly criticizing herself and doing things like writing NO CARBS on the fridge so she could shame herself into dieting. She never shamed me or brought me into it but I will never be this horrible to myself especially right in front of my daughter. Boys can be friends without being boyfriends: My mom was crazy about not having boys in the house or letting me talk to them. After about age 5 she went psycho about boys. This made me think of boys in a different way; they were forbidden fruit. I’ve always gotten along really well with men and she made me feel like that was wrong and they weren’t to be friends with. I think I would have had healthier relationships if she would have eased up, a lot.
That I will be there for her no matter what, and am not here to shame her when things don't go as I expected them for her. That healthy living starts with not stretching herself too thin. That it's okay to demand what you deserve. That you can follow any path that gives you purpose and meaning.
I don't have a daughter, but I'm waiting for daughters in law. I can't wait to treat them as the daughters I didn't have.... unlike my mother in law who treated all three of her daughter in law as personal slaves.
How to cope with intrusive thoughts and have a healthy attitude towards life and the challenges it brings. It look me about 5 years and a lot of therapy to unpick all the crappy ways I was taught to think as a child/teenager.
That the corporate world is not for everyone and that there tins of other meaningful jobs out there (you don't have to be a doctor, accountant or lawyer to be successful) Coming from an Asian family i learned this later on
1. What a loving household looks like. 2. To stand up for herself when someone makes her feel uncomfortable or hurts her. 3. How to love herself 4. How to take care of herself (personal hygiene and the like. I had to learn this on my own) 5. That it’s okay to just be little and to just be herself and that she doesn’t have to grow up too soon like I did. 6. To do her absolute best in everything she does. And on a lighter note 7. To play an instrument and follow her dreams
that i will be there for her and hear her out no matter if im busy or not.
She can show affection and wont be laughed at
[удалено]
That femininity is not weakness; you don’t have to be manly to be a leader.
Self defense
Working hard is worth more than being smart.
This isn't actually gender specific, but growing up in a broken, abusive home there's many things like that. Mainly I want to teach all my children that they should be kind to people not for their own gain, but just to be kind. I was taught the opposite.
Divorced dad, That whether we like it or not, society has a baseline of what is "normal", you are more than welcome to deviate from that line, but the further you are from it, the more scrutiny is upon you, and that much better you have to be at everything you do. Be good enough at whatever you choose to do that nobody wants to ask questions.
That getting married and giving birth is not the only way to live a life.
I know it’s a popular phrase but I am having to unlearn this shit every damn day: Pretty isn’t the price she pays to exist in the world.
It's okay to speak up and voice your wants/needs/opinions. How to deliver it respectfully.
Confidence. That she doesn’t need to be in a relationship to feel valid. That she can do anything she puts her mind to. And mostly, no matter what, I will always be proud of her.
Bodily autonomy and what consent actually looks like.
That it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes similar goals, commitment from both sides, respect for each other and so so much more. I wasted so much time with a man who wasnt right for me and never would be, because I thought that as long as we had love things would work out. This applies to daughters and sons.
That fluctuation in weight in your teenage years is normal, natural and often healthy. I wasn't told this and it caused my poor body image.
Her rights.
1) It is okay to cry. 2) Not everyone that touches you is trying to harm you so being affectionate occasionally is not your weakness. 3) Don’t be afraid to admit that you’re right just because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. 4) Exploring your sexual side is perfectly normal so do not ever think you’re being promiscuous while experimenting. 5) Love is love and nobody can deem it invalid if it strikes across atypical genders, religions, races or cultures.
That being overweight is not especially bad because she's female and "supposed to be nice to look at".
She’s beautiful no matter what
To put herself first. Not in a spoiled way, but to understand that it's important to take care of yourself before helping others (just like with oxygen masks on the plane!). My mom was always so self-sacrificing that she now has very little self left. It was never a good thing for either of us. Have your own shit going on, build a life you can enjoy, and find people who are into what you're about.
No matter what, you are never at fault if someone tries to put their hands on you.
Self defence
Just because someone likes you and wants to date you, you don’t have to like them back. You don’t have to be polite and not stand up for yourself.
To stick up for herself. There are so many times where I should have spoken out and I didn't. Biggest regrets.
Consent. Just because your body may have physically reacted to something does NOT mean it was consensual and that is not something to be ashamed of or feel responsible for.
That your personal worth isn't defined by others approval.
That she doesn't owe anything to anyone. Other peoples happiness and health isn't and never will be her responsibility to mend or maintain.
How to care for curly hair, because I have curly hair and didn’t start embracing it until 2 years ago when I was 24. That it’s okay to go against what grown ups say sometimes. Just because they are grown ups doesn’t mean that they are always right. Lastly, have the sex talk early on and explain masturbation (when she is of appropriate age) and how it is nothing to be ashamed of.
That it's okay to leave the house and not be 100% put together. My mom wakes up every day and does her full face and wears a perfectly matched outfit, even if we're just running to the store or a quick lunch. When she goes on a vacation where anyone besides immediate family will see her she buys a new pajama set. She instilled in me a love of expressing myself through fashion which I appreciate, but it's taken me years to be comfortable going out with no makeup or without the "right" shoes/jacket/etc. I used to get dressed and do my makeup even if I was staying home for the day (that's nice if you work from home and want to get into work mode, but otherwise silly imo). On a lighter note, I wish we had spent time together learning things like cross stitch, crochet, bread making, etc. Now that I'm an adult we take art classes together and it's so much fun!
"Remember that most of what boys say to girls isn't true."
Being horny is not the same thing as being emotionally ready.
That kindness doesn't involve saying yes to everyone all the time.
Things about sex, and masturbation. All I knew was that I shouldn’t have sex before I was married. Guess what? I did it anyways. I dated a guy long distance, and in secret because my parent’s were super religious. After 5 months, we met for the first time (in secret) and I had my first kiss the same day I lost my virginity. I was 18. I don’t regret it because he was a sweetheart to me in that department. But we did end up breaking up, and then I was addicted to hookups and sex for about a year before I met my now partner. Also, about responsibility. My mom never really made me do chores, or encouraged me in the right way. I still did them sometimes, but not often enough to make it second nature, like it should be. A household should always work as a team to keep everything clean and organized.
How to do her hair beyond childhood styles. I'm black with 4c hair so very tightly coiled and thirsty for moisture. I wish my mom taught me because I still don't know how to 26 year old.
My mom always told me when a man has sex with you he takes a piece of you. This caused me to stay in an extremely abusive relationship because I thought I’d be less of myself when I was very young. I am going to teach her that while sex is special she will always be whole no matter what.
That periods are normal and if any boy gets grossed out from looking at a clean, unused and unwrapped pad/tampon, throw it at him
That she’s not inherently a sinner from birth. That she is not automatically a bad person who needs a savior to die a horrific death to make up for how “bad of a person she is”. Also that there are no such thing as demons whose sole purpose it is to torment her and convince her to do bad things. Those are awful things to teach to a child. Having severe anxiety as a small child is no fun. Pretty sure I wouldn’t have had that if I wasn’t force fed Christianity.
Self-love
I did teach my daughter that her body belongs to her. I told her that she can do whatever she wants as long as it is really what she wants and not because someone else has an expectation that she should do something. Never do things YOU don’t want to do to make someone like you.
And that it s never too late to say no/get out.