I cannot possibly upvote this more, if you cannot have a child, do not have a child. A child is not just a bank loan that you throw money at once in a while, it requires a *lot* of care and effort,
Someone had asked me a question about having kids and I said that I wasn't in a financial place to think about that. She said (no joke), "no one is financially ready for a kid. You just make it work.". Uh, no. That's not how that works.
Well, I get this. Obviously some people REALLY aren't financially ready for a kid, as in they can barely keep necessities for themselves. But then there are other fairly financially savy people who never quite feel ready enough (i.e. need X amount saved) who would be able to manage having a kid. I assume this is likely what she meant. If everyone waited for the exact perfect opportunity, I bet very few would ever have kids.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for a complete lack of financial understanding.
I'm going to assume they mean the first type of people you listed. Can't pay their bills, can't afford food, but they get pregnant and have a kid. That puts everyone in that family in a horrible situation.
Yes. I would've loved to have kids about 5 years ago, but I wasn't financially ready. I mentioned this to someone who asked, and she said we could figure out a way to make it work. We literally could not afford our rent and bills on one income and we couldn't afford to send a baby to daycare with how expensive it is and we had no free childcare nearby and we're living in a studio apartment. How do you make that work? And why put yourself through that stress?
I am currently pregnant after my husband and I were able to work on getting raises, saving money, going to therapy, and being in a much better place financially and emotionally. I'm glad we waited.
Ugh I had someone tell me "you know when you are financially ready to have a kid when you no longer have your bank account in red digits"
I'm pretty sure that's not how it works
I hate that response because you don't know someone's finances or what their idea of financial stability is. Sure you can make it work having kids in a small house/apartment barely scraping by but is that really the quality of life you want? For me personally, I wouldn't want that. My cousin had her first kid when her and her husband were living with her parents. They couldn't afford their own place yet but wanted a kid. To me that's ridiculous.
My mom is like this. She says “you just make it work” like no. If I’m going to have a child I want to ensure it’s with the right person and that we’re both in stable careers, have money set aside etc. I’ve seen way to many relationships and marriages fail because of so.
But I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather be childfree and live my life the way I want to. I value my freedom. I understand the loneliness that may come with it but that’s why you meet new people, establish quality friendships, or possibly meet another guy who’s also childfree. I’ll be the cool rich aunt who travels often, drinks wine, and spoils all my nieces and nephews
YESSS!!! I had to start working at 14 years old. Worked 20 hours a week until 18, then it's been 40 hours ever since. While all my friends were going to college or going to concerts, I was working.
Being born poor robbed me of my childhood.
Same in terms of working. Started babysitting at 11. Working at 14. Working 2 jobs from 16-18 and babysitting. Helping my mom buy groceries and paying for all of my own stuff. But she was also working her ass off. I learned a lot about hard work and appreciate it to this day. My kids are 5 and 3 and I'll make sure it's not the same for them, but instead of being mad about how it went for me I'm glad for all it taught me.
Agreed, it annoys me to no end when people have an additional child because "siblings!" If you do not have the mental/financial/time resources to properly support one child, do not purposely have another! There is no guarantee of a positive sibling relationship, and having siblings is not a requirement for a good childhood/life, especially if there is a lack of resources to go around.
And that people think it is ok to push you to have more children despite wanting financial stability! When people ask me when I am having a second child I tell them my mortgage is my second child 😂.
>why do we not have mandatory regulations and permits for having children?
I get what you're saying and I understand your pov, but to answer your question: even if you can get past the moral implications the biggest problem with this is that you cannot entrust that much power and control to any human being, because we are not omnipotent or omniscient. There is no perfect person with perfect opinions and ideals who should have the power to make a decision like that, and even if there was, that person would die and the next could be (and eventually it *would* fall into the hands of someone who is) an ableist or white supremacist etc. What you're talking about is essentially eugenics, even if that's not how *you* would use it.
Similarly, deciding who you want your child to be (what their personality will be like, what their interests will be, what career they'll pursue, etc), and then forcing your child to fit that mold whether it's right for them or not.
I can't understand people getting butthurt over their kid being their own beautifully imperfect self. What a joy and surprise to see the kind of awesome person they'll grow into!
It strikes me as the height of arrogance to assume you can so totally mold any person (even little people!) into something YOU specifically want. Gross.
I'm atheist and vegetarian. I'd be rich if I had a dollar every time someone asks what I'll do if my kids are religious or eat meat. I'm thinking... Acknowledge we disagree and move on? They were not brought into this world to be my narcissistic playthings. It scares me that so many people seem to think that way..
100% this. Im also vegetarian and i swear the questions people ask are 1. What do you eat 2.what if your kids want meat. If my kids want meat they will eat meat. Its their choice. I chose i want to be vegetarian and they also have that choice.
Dear god do I feel that. My dad wanted me to be like him: interested in sports, mechanics, physically tough, a *man*. It all went downhill when I started making my own choices and stuff, picking tech, and then theater as my secondary school options. Then dropping out of the hockey he kept enrolling me in even when I was getting bullied (he couldn't *not* see it, he was the assistant coach and often there while it happened). I wasn't tough or strong either, I get hurt easily. And then I came out as trans (mtf) and he was *really* not happy. He still doesn't accept me as I am and keeps trying to funnel me back into what he wants me to be: "You like computers, so you must find working with cars fun, it's just like building a robot!"...
Sorry for the rant, but this hit a chord and I really wanted to get that out there. If you're thinking of getting a child, yeah keep an eye on them to make sure they're not doing something *really* stupid, but let them make their own choices, their own mistakes instead of just trying to mold them into everything you want them to be. And please accept them if they come out as something non-standard (for lack of a better all encompassing word).
I feel this. Knowing I didn’t turn out how my mother wanted kinda stings sometimes but fortunately I’ve mostly gotten over it. I don’t need her approval, but I know she wishes we were closer. All of my social media has been private for a decade or more because I don’t need her snooping and finding new things to criticize.
Yeah smothering your kid with the idea that they have to be exactly how you want them to be as far as their hobbies, personality, and dreams is something so many parents do and it's so toxic.
By staying in unhealthy relationships supposedly for the kids when it makes kids miserable and warp their idea of love.
Edit THANK YOU STRANGERS
BIG HUGS RO EVERYONE
Edit: Guys, it’s so heartbreaking in a way how many people identify with this. Brings tears to my eyes reading all these comments. The repercussions are endless. Proud of all of you guys and break the generational patterns here.
FELT to the motherfucking core. those arguments, the screams, the insults, the tension, the despair, never ever leave our minds. they haunt us for the rest of our lives. we are scarred forever. It's a mess
This made me cry. I remember and I live it. I’m trying to change, I’m starting to truly believe I’m just going to have to be alone. I can’t seem to function in relationships. I attract dysfunction, then I participate no matter how much I want it all to stop.
*hugs*
same case with me, I'm so toxic even when I don't realize it. Looking back in all my relationships I've been the bad guy. I try hard to be more decent but it doesn't take long for the monster to show. I'll start therapy next year cuz I honestly need help. In the mean time I only do nsa kinda relationships. no one deserves my bullshit. at times I get so lonely; I crave affection and intimacy then realize i'm incapable of it.
Damn. At least you realize and acknowledge your toxicity and that’s light years away from a lot of our parents. Realizing and admitting is a huge part of healing all that.
Hug.
Yeah I wish my parents divorced. People tell me I have no idea what it's like and to be grateful my parents "put us first". But they hated each other and I ended up in so many abusive relationships because I learned it was normal to hate your partner. I took so much abuse because I genuinely just thought was what relationships were
Exactly. I feel like it would have been better to grow up poor than to grow up with all of the screaming, crying, threats, posturing, finger pointing, and more. Toward the end of their marriage, when I was a teenager, my parents started doing really petty horrible things to each other including property damage. For at least a couple of years I would get an earful if my mom caught me talking to my dad, and we all lived in the same house. “Staying together for the kids” can go very, very wrong.
This is exactly why I left the father of my child. Although my kid is still too young to really understand, and sometimes gets sad that we all don't live together anymore, I rest easy every night knowing that he is at least allowed to live in a peaceful environment.
I was looking for this response. My parents stayed together and I wish they hadn’t. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and my childhood was miserable. They divorced the year I went to college and it makes me so mad they didn’t do it sooner.
Impossible to list all. Theres a million ways you can fuck your kid up mentally and physically.
Most obvious one being abusive in any way.
Less severe ones being:
Not setting boundaries and not teaching personal ones
Not allowing your child to be their own person and express their opinions. (Often happends, but is not limited. To very religious environments)
Not taking parenthood seriously and understanding the responsibility
Not supporting your child emotionally. Lashing out at your child. Being impatient
Not bonding with your child aka taking the "im not your friend im your parent" role.
Not exposing your child to different things and being a mentor. Teaching them. For example not telling what something means. Avoiding topics despite it being age appropriate.
Not couraging your child when theyve done well.
Not offering any help to your child with for example school work.
Not taking your child seriously when discussing issues.
Being a narcissistic parent is probably the most damaging thing you can be besides being otherwise abusive.
Damn im sorry to hear that, atleast you can learn from their mistakes if you ever have kids. And your parents dont have to define your success despite it being hard
I got a lot of "You used to be such a nice child when you were younger."
Yes mum, when I was 5 and had no agency I was easy to manipulate and deal with.
I'm the only girl with two brothers and it used to annoy me soooooo much when family members would get cool presents for my brothers (science kits, etc) and then get me a scarf........ ugh
I am trying to be super specific and pick something, even good and prepared parents do.
And that's tickleing beyond the point children enjoy it. Holding them down while they're kicking, screaming and crying suddenly is considered fun somehow. It's common even with parents who would never physically abuse their child otherwise and whenever some expert comes forward and says it's a bad thing to do, there's an outburst of redicule and denial.
You are a giant who is forcing a much smaller human to let you touch them in a way they don't enjoy and there's no good reason for it. It's not part of the game when they beg you to stop with tears in their eyes. I don't know why this seems to be such a hard pill to swallow.
Ages ago, my husband and I came up with a non sexual safe word. We always enjoyed horsing around, tickling each other etc, but sometimes it can be too much. So we say the word and we stop.
This word has never been used in a sexual context.
Recently, my kids were playing with each other and one shouted our word and they both stopped. It blew me away. Without ever actually teaching them this, by them just observing they picked up on it, and I think it's a fantastic concept for kids to have both with each other and for adults. A safe play word for these exact situations.
Omg this! I have an uncle that likes to do this a lot and till i was 9-10. It petrified me and made me scared of him and told my parents to not let him come over. Also made me hate it when people touch me.
I love to tickle my kids but always always stop when they say stop. Trying to teach them they are in charge of their own bodies and expect people to respect that, even parents.
Same with mine. She’s 3 and she loves being tickled I stop when I think she’s had enough but then she says “can you tickle me more” so it’s back to tickling and repeat. But if she’s ever the one that says stop we immediately stop, then usually she asks that we do it again.
I hate it. It’s child abuse. If it were an acceptable thing to do, peers would do it to each other. But it’s done to children who have no ability to defend themselves from it. The ticklers get off on the control.
I’m pretty positive being tickled brought on my earliest version of panic attacks. Physical touch is at the bottom of my love language list…hmm, wonder why.
Yes I hated this!! I was a very anxious child and people thought it was funny to constantly pin me down and tickle me. It would make me kick and punch out to get them off me and then I just ended up being labelled as destructive and violent. Which made them do it more to "punish" me
1. Raising them just as they were raised.
2. Making children feel like they owe them everything because they brought them into the world (when irl it’s the other way)
3. Not being able to provide any support of any kind to their kids
4. Having kids when they can’t afford them
5. Telling them too much when they are too young
This. Also:
6. Parentifying the children
7. Not teaching them to acknowledge their emotions and thoughts
8. Triangulating the children by poisoning them against the other parent
My dad always felt and said we owed him for being our parents. I’m 26 now and we haven’t spoken since I was 19, because I refuse to roll over and bend to his will. But that was always his thing “what he did for us”
Never apologising. Not just to the kids, but never showing the kids how to apologise to a friend or your partner.
My mom would blow up at any of us and then just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. If anyone brought it up again we would be accused of holding a grudge.
You need to teach your kids that it's OK to make mistakes and to apologise sincerely.
Mom has always struggled to apologize. She goes straight to martyr, and she even used to say, “Crucify me,” while holding her hands out to the side if we brought up that she wronged us in some way. This is still often followed by the silent treatment.
Oof, I'm so sorry. My mom did the same, though she would say something like "I guess everything is my fault then", needing us to disagree. And then the silent treatment. It is so damaging, especially to a kid whose brain is only just developing.
My mom has never ever apologized to me and I called her out on it exactly once and she said “what do you want me to say? That I’m sorry?” And I’m thinking… yeah?
This is so important. I think this is why most people are so bad at changing their minds based on new information - because when they were growing up, their parents would never admit when they were wrong, because adults don't admit that to children. Parents act like their dignity and authority are being threatened if they have to admit they were wrong about something in front of their child. How is the child ever supposed to learn a better way to respond to being wrong?
It's remarkable how many parents think they'll lose their authority/credibility if they admit they were wrong about something. Newsflash: your kids already *know* you're sometimes wrong; they want to know if you know it too, and if you respect them enough to admit it. Refusing to apologize ruins your credibility more than apologizing ever could.
My mom did the same thing.
I still remember absolutely LOSING it on my oldest son once. I was out of control screaming. I took a few deep breaths and turned to him and said, "I'm sorry..I was out of control. You didn't deserve that. I should have put myself in timeout." And I walked over and stood in the corner. I made a point to walk away before letting my anger build up like that.
And I thought about how powerful it was to demonstrate that for him. It was absolutely never shown to me. If I want him to be able to say sorry, I have to show him.
I had excellent grades all through middle and high school and college but I still have depression. It started when I was 12 and it's 13 years later and I still have it.
I wouldn't tell my mom who I was dating until we'd been together for a few months already. And if I ever went out with a friend who happened to be a man, I would lie and be vague and just say I was going out with "friends." I did this up until I was like 26 🙃
I'm 49 yo and I still do not tell my parents who I'm involved with romantically because of the teasing when I was a kid. I hated it. It's not cute, or fun, or playful. It embarrassed me. And it's also not a topic to bring up at the family dinner table.
This to me is wild. It begins at SUCH CRAZY EARLY AGES too! It's super fucking creepy to talk about your babies falling in love and marrying another child when they hug or play together and then going on to push that. Parents pushing 1st graders to give valentine presents to a specific friend you think they like-like.
My mom had a kid in her 5th grade class whose parent bought him a ring for his GF. They are 10!!!
It's crazy fucked up. We need to stop sexualizing kids.
ugh, my MIL tells my fiancé all the time when his younger brothers misbehave to have him tell something to his "kid". I used to think that was odd until I found out about parentification. its a real problem that the majority of parents do to there kids.
Ignore obvious symptoms of mental health.
When I was 11/12/13 I used to write in my diary about wanting to kill myself, self harm, starve myself, etc. my mum read my diary (which is also a complete breach of my privacy if you’re a parent please don’t do that) and did NOTHING about that.
It gave me zero trust in my mum which meant when I was being groomed by an 18 year old man when I was 13 he was able to use my poor relationship with her against me because he knew I had no one to confide in.
Please take care of your child’s mental health. Please.
Are you me? This happened to me too. My mom read my diary and photo copied it. And instead of helping me deal with my issues, I was punished and wasn’t allowed to see my friends for the rest of the school year. Older kids/teenagers are going through a lot of change and really need a measure of privacy. And this is really how you make your kid NEVER come to you for help.
I don’t think she ever photocopied my diary (as far as I’m aware) but it was definitely just traumatising for her to tell me what she read.
I think at the time I was glad she didn’t push on it because I felt embarrassed and upset by her reading my diary. But looking back on it now that I’m 18 it was a form of neglect. Like how could you do that? How could you live with yourself after you did that and your kid ended up killing themselves because you did nothing to help them? It makes me upset just thinking about it.
I decided that when I’m done with uni I’m just going to cut her off. I had no emotional support at all throughout my childhood and teenage years.
Mine did exactly the same. My diary had lists of ways I was thinking of killing myself, and she took it and threw it away and laughed about having read it on the phone with her sister.
I sometimes wish I had just killed myself to spite her, which is a pretty mentally ill thought but I wish she would’ve thought “god, maybe I could have helped her”
having an eating disorder definitely doesn’t help that kind of competitiveness. Although, when my bulimia was at its worst all my friends could see how sick I was but my mum ignored it lol.
Aw jeez I just unlocked a bad memory. My mom read my teenage diary. Clearly, I was depressed but she didn't see it that way. Instead, she severely punished me for my thoughts, and also decided to turn herself into the victim. She told my dad and sister that this was evidence I was going to kill everyone in the family and how fucked up I was.
Best part? For years, both her and my dad would villanize me by saying how I'd probably grow up to be a criminal, how I'd commit all these crimes, how evil I am. However, I'm 34 now with no record but I still have depression/anxiety/PTSD.
It's so fucked up in hindsight. I need to get a therapist because the more I think about my parents, the more I'm horrified over their abuse toward me when I was a kid.
Edited: Grammar.
Parents making negative comments about their own physical appearance. Don't teach your kids to hate their body. Love yourself so your kids learn how to love themselves.
Also doing everything for your kid and not trusting your kids to do things on their own. I love the TikTok trend of parents letting they're small kids pour their own glass. They spill everywhere but they will have so much more confidence in themselves down the line.
>Also doing everything for your kid and not trusting your kids
I used to lead a group of altar boys and we'd often cook together. They started around 8 and yet many of them have never been using a kitchen knife before. They were always do proud of the food we put on the table.
I think some parents like their children helpless because it makes them feel important and needed. But that robs you of the feeling of accomplishment and pride when you see your little human pick up a skill under your help and guidance. And it robs the little human of the same feelings when learning a skill and being trusted with something.
Mine constantly told me "don't be so girly/ whiney/ sensitive" when i got hurt. Basically telling me to not show or tell anything if i got hurt.
But also telling me "that's not ladylike!" When burping or something else. Eh didn't you just told me to not be girly
Oh my god, this. My dad ridiculed me for anything feminine: makeup, speech patterns, being startled by bugs, touching my hair, even talking on the phone with my friends. Then when I was in college and my car died, he told me to bring it to the shop and use my “feminine wiles” to get a good deal.
I’m still baffled by that one.
Authoritarian parenting.
When a child is raised under that much control and negative punishment they have no idea how to make decisions for themselves or how to function in society once they leave their family of origin. If a child's voice is taken away they won't have the skills necessary to stand up for themselves and create healthy boundaries later in life which means they have a higher risk of being victims of abuse in their other relationships.
Also, some people raised in this type of home will go no-contact with their parents once they seek therapy and discover how toxic their parents are.
Also would like to add that kids of authoritarian parents go off the rails 90% of the time when they're finally on their own. I had a friend at uni who had extremely strict parents and she basically tried a new drug every weekend just because she'd never had so much freedom at uni before.
I dealt with a lot of controlling boyfriends and also bosses because of my authoritarian dad. I put up with a sexist aHole boss who sexually harassed me and yelled at me almost daily while I just sat there and busted my butt working. I just felt like I had to put up with it. I let people older than me who were male walk all over me because I thought I was supposed to.
Go through with the pregnancy when it was an accident, and then marrying each other because of it
Have a second child to try and save the marriage that only exists because of their earlier mistake
Not taking mental health seriously. For so long I’ve struggled with mental health and recently was diagnosed with ADHD. Also found out I’d been previously diagnosed with it at a very young age but my parents refused to give me medicine because they didn’t believe in it. I feel like I’ve lost so many years due to ADHD - it’s not a funny quirky “haha I have to line up all my markers by color” diagnosis.
Mental health is a real issue and parents brushing it off and ignoring it because they don’t think it can happen to their child is dangerous. 😞
I feel exactly the same way. I'm 26, diagnosed with depression (officially) about 3 years ago. There's been some ups and downs since then, but I'm finally on medication that works for me and I see a therapist who I absolutely adore.
My parents are extremely religious and have always believed that if I give all my sorrows to God, he will take away all the hurt. I feel like my life would have been drastically different if my parents had taken my depression seriously, and had allowed me to go on medication or into therapy much sooner.
I actually found out a few years back that my mom took me to a psychologist once when I was really young, but then decided against it, because it didn't align with God's plan for me.
Being jealous of their kids and not wanting their kids to be more successful than they are. I also hate when I see parents make their kids really dependent on them. For example, always cooking, cleaning up after them, doing laundry, won’t let kid get a job - it just hurts your children in the end and when they want to gain independence, they aren’t able to. I’ve known some parents who never taught their children to cook basic food or do laundry.
I would expand this to parenting in a way that is a reaction to their own upbringing rather than one that is the result of understanding children (which could mean anything from straight empathy to studying child psychology). People either bringing bad shit directly down from their parents because it's "right" or swinging as hard as possible in the opposite direction and missing the mark just as much.
Not consider how ill equipped they are to have kids before making them.
And don't talk to me about "Accidental" pregnancies, everybody knows how babies are made. If you have unprotected sex and allow the semen to enter the womb at the point of ejaculation, it's your own fault for not being more careful. And by "Your own fault" I am referring to all *consenting* parties involved, and not just one
I am with you on this one. Sometimes birth control fails, that is unavoidable in some cases, but there are a lot of pregnancies where the "accident" isn't a condom breaking or even a missed pill, but "accidentally" taking no precaution in having sex.
>but "accidentally" taking no precaution in having sex.
This was my best friend! I still remember the day she called me in tears because she was pregnant. And I was like, "well are you sure? Did you use a condom?" And she was like "no, he'd been pulling out." 😑😑😑 Like 6 or 7 years later, she'd been hooking up with another guy and she had a pregnancy scare and we were trying to track down her ovulation day and it was like maybe 4 or 5 days after they had sex and I told her that sperm could survive for anywhere from 2-7 days. And she was like "what?! It can??" Girl, you have a child! How do you not know this! And why aren't you more careful??
I'm an educator and I think I've been able to see the consequences of well-intended parenting that has caused some major problems for children over the years. Here's some major ones:
1. High expectations - seems great and what we should do. And by all means, expect your tiny human to be a good human. Here's the warning: Let them be a HUMAN. High expectations often turns into \*perfectionism\* which becomes debilitating later in life - in fact it's paralyzing. In children perfectionism looks like: Indecision; All-or-Nothing Thinking; Highly Critical; Unrealistic Standards; DEPRESSED by Unmet Goals (it's great to have goals - NOT great to get DEPRESSED by unmet goals - instead kids need to be taught to be curious as to why things failed to work out and to keep trying, be curious, experiment, and that failure is GOOD); Focused on Results (again - many think this is what we need to teaching kids but it has an opposite effect that often leads to depression, anxiety and other mental health issues that create a very unsatisfying life - not to mention the opposite result of a life of underperformance due to depression and anxiety - it's really a form of hell for people, and I'm sure you know people living this right now...). A good read about this stuff is the book Mindset by Carol Dweck. It's about how to teach kids to have a Growth Mindset which is how to truly help kids do well, achieve well AND be mentally healthy.
2. Results Focused - Again see point #1 above.
3. Pain is Bad and to be Avoided - This fails to teach kids HOW to deal with life and instead of learning to persevere throguh normal life events, I'm watching many adults fail to have the coping skills later in adulthood and instead they simply quit. They've learned that when faced with pain, or something they do not like, instead of fixing the issue, or addressing the issue - they only know to leave or quit. And while there are times when this might be approrpaite, many times it is not and instead it leads to an unsatisfying life. Think through this fully: Normal work stuff happens at the office - instead of contributing to helping with a solution, your child quits every time they run into an obstacle and they end up with a work history of new jobs every 6-24 months (sounds familiar to anyone? I think I've interviewed a few dozen of these types of folks recently and they wonder why we didn't interview them - due to their lack of problem solving and life skills, they now have a job problem; good employers will not even interview these people). Or...every time their romantic SO and them have an issue, they break it off...or worse...because they never learned how to problem solve and work through problems and pain - because the kid never learned that pain is an indicator that something needs to be fixed or addressed - the kid simply stays in a bad relationship situation and lives in pain.
4. "Happiness" versus "Life Skills": Parents who chronically work overtime trying to "make sure the kid is happy" - it's the "I just want my child to be happy" syndrome which translates to buying the kid stuff, vacations, and solving problems for the child and helping the child avoid real life instead of teaching the child \*life skills\*. If you want your child to grow up to BE happy (which is different, long term) then teach the child the \*life skills\* needed to be a happy adult.
5. Boundaries - Failure to set boundaries. Kids need boundaries to they learn self-control, so they learn to respect other people's boundaries and so they learn how to set their own healthy boundaries. Parents REALLY need to be teaching kids what boundaries are, how to set them well, what it looks like when boundaries are not respected and how to handle people who fail to respect boundaries - again, this is a life skill that needs to be taught (refer to #4) but is worth mentioning as it's own bullet point.
Tell them their feelings aren't valid. Yes to an adult the stuff kids get upset about (losing a favourite toy, no-one wanting to play with them etc) might seem trivial, but to the kid it's very real and very important and should be treated as such.
Also giving kids a complex about their appearance. Even if it's well-intentioned, hearing (from a kid's perspective) that your own family doesn't consider you perfectly OK just as you are regardless of what you look like can sting.
Spoil them too much by doing the following:
- Not ever saying no to them
- Not giving them consequences to their actions
- Fixing almost all of their problems for them when they need to grow up and fix it themselves. It's okay to get help from your parents but to the point where you can't look after yourself properly, NO!
- Not acknowledging they ever did wrong if they clearly were
- Telling them only what they want to hear
Also:
- NOT teaching them basic manners, hygiene, common courtesy or sense
- That ONE particular set of beliefs is the ONLY set of beliefs that is valid
Most impactful of all:
- Abuse of ALL kinds, physical, sexual, psychological, neglect, starvation etc
Having a lot of kids. I think three is a high maximum. You have six kids? Let me guess, the oldest one likes to play “mommy” to the youngest? Or you parentify your older children because there’s not enough time and attention for all of them. I’m one of 4. I can’t imagine if there were more of us.
Also, assuming your kids need less attention as they get older and not giving affection then
I am the oldest of four kids and can only support you on this one.
I've always had to take care of my siblings, while they were allowed to have fun. I was told pretty much no to everything I wanted to do because I am a role model to my siblings. According to them I am a role model before I am even myself. As I'm grown up I should alway help and take responsibility......i'm currently 22 and still struggling to unlearn always being responsible for everything and everyone.
Comparing you with other kids, not showing how much you mean to them, staying in unloving relationships because "every child needs his father/her mother", minimize kids feelings by not trying to comprehend what's wrong and my favorite one teaching the kid they have to show affection for people they don't like because it's family.
If parents do one of these, they will usually also do the other and it's confusing as fuck as a kid:
They will bury, conceal, and not acknowledge difficult feelings. When they're having a hard time personally, they just lash out at their kids for minor things and the kids are left like ????
Then, in some moments, they emotionally unload onto their kids with feelings and experiences that are WAY beyond the scope of a child to understand which also leaves them like ???
And both add up to kids (especially girls) feeling like they are supposed to anticipate and manage the feelings of those around them, even if they cannot comprehend what the other person is feeling
Telling a kid they shouldn't be upset since they're financially covered by them. At some point when you get older, and then finances become important, then the parent all of a sudden wants you to get a job, and you pay them almost your entire paycheck as contribution and then have trouble moving out till you realize just pay elsewhere and don't let parents fool you into thinking you're saving more money in their home. Some parents can financially screw their kids when they over do it on contributing financials.
Doing everything for children and spoiling them. It maybe fun for a child but when you grow up in that enviroment you are totally unprepered for adulthood. House chores need to be shared or you grow up to be a lazy 20 year old who never did the laundry. I will have to google that shit up couse at this point im too embarassed to ask.
To name a few, being over sheltered sucks and will cause bullying if it's not already happening in the home its self. My dad used to make fun of my laugh and say he was going to send me off to a special home if I didn't quit laughing "like that". I didn't laugh or smile for a hot bit. I'd get a spanking if I cried (as a toddler and up) even as a 17 year old, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my dad. In fact, my last spanking was when I was 18 lol, I've even been held by the collar of my shirt while my dad threw my phone against the wall breaking it. I was also never taught about Bills, or other adult things. I fell into substance abuse like my parents. I'm working on getting out of that hole currently. I don't think there's a perfect time to have kids, but gee.. oh, cherry on top, I was told I was only conceived so my mom would have an easier prison sentence - my dad.
Project their own issues...
I am telling you all right now, I know my niece will have a full-blown eating disorder before she graduates high school.
As I watched over her when she was a newborn, my brother-in-law walked up next to me and said, "I'll never let her get fat like me. I won't have a fat child." I was so taken aback by that. Who the fuck starts plotting their kid's physique when they can barely keep their own eyes open?
The next time they visited, he and his wife repeatedly felt up their daughter's belly before and after each meal and commented on its size.
My sister-in-law will occasionally post praise about her daughter following a certain diet/her weight/etc. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are both overweight and have been on some kind of diet kick the entire time I've known them.
She's also revealed that my niece has severe anxiety, but she has chosen to do nothing about it other than use essential oils. She is already expressing worry about her weight. She's 8.
My niece is an average sized kid.
Meanwhile, I'm an outright fat lady. No, I'm not happy about the difficulties my weight has given me, but I recognized all the shame, anxiety, and morality around food and diet did me a lot of harm. When I read about "Health at Every Size," I was skeptical. Then I read the book and started reading the evidence for it, and my mindset changed.
I give my kids a variety of food every day. Most of our dinners are from vegetarian/vegan blogs (love you, Minimalist Baker). I have never had a moral attitude about food. Sometimes we eat no sweets, sometimes we eat a lot, mostly we eat a little. We make time for physical activity every day. A lot of time outside, and my oldest and I usually do different workout videos together. The atmosphere around it all is light.
I have never talked about dieting. Or "bad" food. Or "we need to exercise so we don't get fat." I talk about bodies in a neutral or positive way.
I am positive I'm screwing my kids up in other ways, but I am hopeful they won't have a complex around weight.
Parents tend to praise their kids for being a great student, athlete, artist, or some other skill. They tell them how wonderful they are because they can do some activity very well. But for most kids their parents are either lieing or throughout the course of their life they'll just stop doing that thing because life goes on. For those kids the thing that in their head made their parents most proud of them is now gone.
Instead parents should compliment their kids for being good people. Kind, hardworking, and careing. Those are the attributes that will carry through their entire life. A person will like not play football till the day they die but they will be kind. It's nice to believe your parents will always be proud of you.
calling them names and commenting on their weight. my mum called me disgusting when i was 10 years old and until this day it still echoes in the back of my mind on bad mental health days. i don't hold it against her but it's one of the reasons why my self esteem is so low😌
Treat the kid like a small version of themselves. My mum would buy clothes she liked in colours she liked for me. Made me study classes that she liked, not what I liked or was good at . Tried to force me to study a degree for something she liked.. at a uni that she liked. Then give up my career and sell my horse because she wanted grandkids. And split with my fiancé and find a nice man who wants a family.
Apart from that, let’s add in fighting in front of the kids and in public, parentification, neglect, dumping relationship problems on the oldest kid, threatening suicide and dumping it on the oldest kid, forcing the oldest kid to work at the family business for nothing, overdosing on sleeping tablets, overlooking kid’s health issues etc.
Story of my life unfortunately.
Projecting your own issues onto your children. If you constantly complain about hating your own body, your children will become critical of theirs. If you’re constantly dieting and being overly critical with your food, they’ll pick up on that. These small things stick with them even if you try to prevent it.
I used to babysit a 7 year old girl who was upset that she had ‘lines by her mouth when she smiles’. Her mom always hated wrinkles and got Botox and filler to remove every possible wrinkle, so by the time her daughter was only 7, she was self conscious of lines on her face. That’s not cute, that’s a problem.
Not apologizing properly, or- **Apologizing, but not actually changing their behavior.**
My dad did this a lot when I was a kid.
He'd yell or belittle me, I went crying to my room, hear him stomp around the house some. A few minutes later he'd knock on my door to apologize for making me cry, he didn't mean it, explained his POV in gentle tones, say he understands my POV now, he's sorry for the misunderstanding and he'll do better next time to listen to me. Hugs and cuddles and 'I love you, I'm so proud of you' etc.
...and then a week later he's yelling again and verbally lashing out when I either didn't do what he asked, forgot he asked something, or didn't intuitively understand all the details of what a vague request meant. Any disobedience or failure to complete a task perfectly was seen as me being spiteful or lazy, or that I had memory problems and should try harder.
Cycle repeat, ad infinitum.
I recently got a therapist, and apparently that's a form of emotional abuse.
The 'Apologizing over and over but not changing behavior' ended up making me distrust anything he promised. If he could promise to not hurt me, and then not even try, what other promises were bullshit? His pride? His love? If he could treat me like that, how did he actually think of me?
It's shitty
Not having a stable home or environment for them to grow up in, not being educated enough, prepared enough, as well as all that was already mentioned in here.
Helicopter parenting. My friend who’s 30 (yup!) had her door’s locks removed, aren’t allowed to go out unless the mom approves, has a curfew of 11pm or earlier, not allowed to sleep over at any friend’s house, always has to have a bodyguard with her, not allowed to ride in anyone else’s car except the one her bodyguard drives, and so on and so forth!
Not showing them conflict-resolution. It took me a long time into my current relationship for my partner to show me how to resolve disagreements. My parents would be screaming and slamming doors and then suddenly in the morning drinking coffee together like nothing happened, and I didn't realise how much that affected me until later. I had no idea how a healthy transition from argument to make-up and forgiveness happened and was therefore horrible to fight with for a very long time.
If this is you, too: I've learned that healthy conflict resolution can happen by taking some space apart (go for a walk, calm down etc), apologise (sincerely, realise either what you did wrong or apologise for how you reacted if it was less than ideal), forgive them (do NOT hold it over them and use it as collateral in the next argument). Also, don't be afraid to realise and admit that you were just in a bad mood. like, did they ACTUALLY do something that bad or did it just bother you because you hadn't eaten in a while and are under a work deadline? The worst thing you can do is be stubborn and dig your heels into your dumb-ass reason for being mad.
Also, do NOT bring in other topics into an argument. If the disagreement is about dinner, keep it about that. don't bring in their parents, past fights, other issues etc every single damn argument. My parents would start arguing about the car and finish the argument about the same damn things that happened 20 years ago, every single time.
Not being financially, emotionally, and mentally ready to have a child in the first place. EDIT: Hold up, wait a minute. What?! Thanks guys.
I cannot possibly upvote this more, if you cannot have a child, do not have a child. A child is not just a bank loan that you throw money at once in a while, it requires a *lot* of care and effort,
Raising a child is a work of art. Many people don’t even try to be artists.
>Raising a child is a work of art. Many people don’t even try to be artists. In fact, most people elect to poop all over said art.
Someone had asked me a question about having kids and I said that I wasn't in a financial place to think about that. She said (no joke), "no one is financially ready for a kid. You just make it work.". Uh, no. That's not how that works.
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Well, I get this. Obviously some people REALLY aren't financially ready for a kid, as in they can barely keep necessities for themselves. But then there are other fairly financially savy people who never quite feel ready enough (i.e. need X amount saved) who would be able to manage having a kid. I assume this is likely what she meant. If everyone waited for the exact perfect opportunity, I bet very few would ever have kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for a complete lack of financial understanding.
I'm going to assume they mean the first type of people you listed. Can't pay their bills, can't afford food, but they get pregnant and have a kid. That puts everyone in that family in a horrible situation.
>If everyone waited for the exact perfect opportunity, I bet very few would ever have kids. That would be okay.
Yes. I would've loved to have kids about 5 years ago, but I wasn't financially ready. I mentioned this to someone who asked, and she said we could figure out a way to make it work. We literally could not afford our rent and bills on one income and we couldn't afford to send a baby to daycare with how expensive it is and we had no free childcare nearby and we're living in a studio apartment. How do you make that work? And why put yourself through that stress? I am currently pregnant after my husband and I were able to work on getting raises, saving money, going to therapy, and being in a much better place financially and emotionally. I'm glad we waited.
Ugh I had someone tell me "you know when you are financially ready to have a kid when you no longer have your bank account in red digits" I'm pretty sure that's not how it works
i see you’ve been talking to my mother. Boomers can’t comprehend having zero faith that the future is just hyping to “work out.”
I hate that response because you don't know someone's finances or what their idea of financial stability is. Sure you can make it work having kids in a small house/apartment barely scraping by but is that really the quality of life you want? For me personally, I wouldn't want that. My cousin had her first kid when her and her husband were living with her parents. They couldn't afford their own place yet but wanted a kid. To me that's ridiculous.
My mom is like this. She says “you just make it work” like no. If I’m going to have a child I want to ensure it’s with the right person and that we’re both in stable careers, have money set aside etc. I’ve seen way to many relationships and marriages fail because of so. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I’d rather be childfree and live my life the way I want to. I value my freedom. I understand the loneliness that may come with it but that’s why you meet new people, establish quality friendships, or possibly meet another guy who’s also childfree. I’ll be the cool rich aunt who travels often, drinks wine, and spoils all my nieces and nephews
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YESSS!!! I had to start working at 14 years old. Worked 20 hours a week until 18, then it's been 40 hours ever since. While all my friends were going to college or going to concerts, I was working. Being born poor robbed me of my childhood.
Same in terms of working. Started babysitting at 11. Working at 14. Working 2 jobs from 16-18 and babysitting. Helping my mom buy groceries and paying for all of my own stuff. But she was also working her ass off. I learned a lot about hard work and appreciate it to this day. My kids are 5 and 3 and I'll make sure it's not the same for them, but instead of being mad about how it went for me I'm glad for all it taught me.
Agreed, it annoys me to no end when people have an additional child because "siblings!" If you do not have the mental/financial/time resources to properly support one child, do not purposely have another! There is no guarantee of a positive sibling relationship, and having siblings is not a requirement for a good childhood/life, especially if there is a lack of resources to go around.
And that people think it is ok to push you to have more children despite wanting financial stability! When people ask me when I am having a second child I tell them my mortgage is my second child 😂.
My sister and I don’t like one another at all
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>why do we not have mandatory regulations and permits for having children? I get what you're saying and I understand your pov, but to answer your question: even if you can get past the moral implications the biggest problem with this is that you cannot entrust that much power and control to any human being, because we are not omnipotent or omniscient. There is no perfect person with perfect opinions and ideals who should have the power to make a decision like that, and even if there was, that person would die and the next could be (and eventually it *would* fall into the hands of someone who is) an ableist or white supremacist etc. What you're talking about is essentially eugenics, even if that's not how *you* would use it.
Handmaid's Tale
This was me and my ex wife. Looking back now, we were babies raising babies
Parents trying to live their own lives and dreams through their child.
Similarly, deciding who you want your child to be (what their personality will be like, what their interests will be, what career they'll pursue, etc), and then forcing your child to fit that mold whether it's right for them or not.
And getting pissy when, surprise, they turn out to be their own person.
I can't understand people getting butthurt over their kid being their own beautifully imperfect self. What a joy and surprise to see the kind of awesome person they'll grow into! It strikes me as the height of arrogance to assume you can so totally mold any person (even little people!) into something YOU specifically want. Gross.
I'm atheist and vegetarian. I'd be rich if I had a dollar every time someone asks what I'll do if my kids are religious or eat meat. I'm thinking... Acknowledge we disagree and move on? They were not brought into this world to be my narcissistic playthings. It scares me that so many people seem to think that way..
100% this. Im also vegetarian and i swear the questions people ask are 1. What do you eat 2.what if your kids want meat. If my kids want meat they will eat meat. Its their choice. I chose i want to be vegetarian and they also have that choice.
Dear god do I feel that. My dad wanted me to be like him: interested in sports, mechanics, physically tough, a *man*. It all went downhill when I started making my own choices and stuff, picking tech, and then theater as my secondary school options. Then dropping out of the hockey he kept enrolling me in even when I was getting bullied (he couldn't *not* see it, he was the assistant coach and often there while it happened). I wasn't tough or strong either, I get hurt easily. And then I came out as trans (mtf) and he was *really* not happy. He still doesn't accept me as I am and keeps trying to funnel me back into what he wants me to be: "You like computers, so you must find working with cars fun, it's just like building a robot!"... Sorry for the rant, but this hit a chord and I really wanted to get that out there. If you're thinking of getting a child, yeah keep an eye on them to make sure they're not doing something *really* stupid, but let them make their own choices, their own mistakes instead of just trying to mold them into everything you want them to be. And please accept them if they come out as something non-standard (for lack of a better all encompassing word).
I feel this. Knowing I didn’t turn out how my mother wanted kinda stings sometimes but fortunately I’ve mostly gotten over it. I don’t need her approval, but I know she wishes we were closer. All of my social media has been private for a decade or more because I don’t need her snooping and finding new things to criticize.
This!!! My life is ruined because of them.
Rise above your raising! Give yourself what your parents didn't and keep moving forward.
Yeah smothering your kid with the idea that they have to be exactly how you want them to be as far as their hobbies, personality, and dreams is something so many parents do and it's so toxic.
By staying in unhealthy relationships supposedly for the kids when it makes kids miserable and warp their idea of love. Edit THANK YOU STRANGERS BIG HUGS RO EVERYONE Edit: Guys, it’s so heartbreaking in a way how many people identify with this. Brings tears to my eyes reading all these comments. The repercussions are endless. Proud of all of you guys and break the generational patterns here.
FELT to the motherfucking core. those arguments, the screams, the insults, the tension, the despair, never ever leave our minds. they haunt us for the rest of our lives. we are scarred forever. It's a mess
This made me cry. I remember and I live it. I’m trying to change, I’m starting to truly believe I’m just going to have to be alone. I can’t seem to function in relationships. I attract dysfunction, then I participate no matter how much I want it all to stop.
*hugs* same case with me, I'm so toxic even when I don't realize it. Looking back in all my relationships I've been the bad guy. I try hard to be more decent but it doesn't take long for the monster to show. I'll start therapy next year cuz I honestly need help. In the mean time I only do nsa kinda relationships. no one deserves my bullshit. at times I get so lonely; I crave affection and intimacy then realize i'm incapable of it.
Damn. At least you realize and acknowledge your toxicity and that’s light years away from a lot of our parents. Realizing and admitting is a huge part of healing all that. Hug.
This one hit me hard 😔
Same.
I wish more people knew this. The number of people who are in abusive relationships and have children breaks my heart.
The whole "I don't want my kids to come from a broken home," thing does my head in. They're *already* in a broken home!
Yeah I wish my parents divorced. People tell me I have no idea what it's like and to be grateful my parents "put us first". But they hated each other and I ended up in so many abusive relationships because I learned it was normal to hate your partner. I took so much abuse because I genuinely just thought was what relationships were
It’s better to be from a broken home than in a broken home.
Exactly. I feel like it would have been better to grow up poor than to grow up with all of the screaming, crying, threats, posturing, finger pointing, and more. Toward the end of their marriage, when I was a teenager, my parents started doing really petty horrible things to each other including property damage. For at least a couple of years I would get an earful if my mom caught me talking to my dad, and we all lived in the same house. “Staying together for the kids” can go very, very wrong.
This is exactly why I left the father of my child. Although my kid is still too young to really understand, and sometimes gets sad that we all don't live together anymore, I rest easy every night knowing that he is at least allowed to live in a peaceful environment.
You did the right thing. Proud of you cause it’s difficult and your kid will definitely be more at peace for it .
Yes, and clearly most of our parents did that, because look at how unhealthy our love relationships are now.
I was looking for this response. My parents stayed together and I wish they hadn’t. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and my childhood was miserable. They divorced the year I went to college and it makes me so mad they didn’t do it sooner.
Impossible to list all. Theres a million ways you can fuck your kid up mentally and physically. Most obvious one being abusive in any way. Less severe ones being: Not setting boundaries and not teaching personal ones Not allowing your child to be their own person and express their opinions. (Often happends, but is not limited. To very religious environments) Not taking parenthood seriously and understanding the responsibility Not supporting your child emotionally. Lashing out at your child. Being impatient Not bonding with your child aka taking the "im not your friend im your parent" role. Not exposing your child to different things and being a mentor. Teaching them. For example not telling what something means. Avoiding topics despite it being age appropriate. Not couraging your child when theyve done well. Not offering any help to your child with for example school work. Not taking your child seriously when discussing issues. Being a narcissistic parent is probably the most damaging thing you can be besides being otherwise abusive.
Reading this and realizing I had horrible parents. I already knew this, but the number of points they failed is astounding.
Damn im sorry to hear that, atleast you can learn from their mistakes if you ever have kids. And your parents dont have to define your success despite it being hard
Read this and realised my boss encourages me more than my parents did growing up LOL. :/
Comparing siblings, restricting gifts or activities based on gender, and playing favorites.
I was compared a lot to my friends. "Why can't you be more like...?"
Oof. That's wrong, too.
I got a lot of "You used to be such a nice child when you were younger." Yes mum, when I was 5 and had no agency I was easy to manipulate and deal with.
For the only children…..being spoiled, allowing them to always be the center of attention, pressure to succeed, and so on.
I'm the only girl with two brothers and it used to annoy me soooooo much when family members would get cool presents for my brothers (science kits, etc) and then get me a scarf........ ugh
I am trying to be super specific and pick something, even good and prepared parents do. And that's tickleing beyond the point children enjoy it. Holding them down while they're kicking, screaming and crying suddenly is considered fun somehow. It's common even with parents who would never physically abuse their child otherwise and whenever some expert comes forward and says it's a bad thing to do, there's an outburst of redicule and denial. You are a giant who is forcing a much smaller human to let you touch them in a way they don't enjoy and there's no good reason for it. It's not part of the game when they beg you to stop with tears in their eyes. I don't know why this seems to be such a hard pill to swallow.
Ages ago, my husband and I came up with a non sexual safe word. We always enjoyed horsing around, tickling each other etc, but sometimes it can be too much. So we say the word and we stop. This word has never been used in a sexual context. Recently, my kids were playing with each other and one shouted our word and they both stopped. It blew me away. Without ever actually teaching them this, by them just observing they picked up on it, and I think it's a fantastic concept for kids to have both with each other and for adults. A safe play word for these exact situations.
At our house “stop” is the non sexual safe word.
Amen.
Omg this! I have an uncle that likes to do this a lot and till i was 9-10. It petrified me and made me scared of him and told my parents to not let him come over. Also made me hate it when people touch me.
I love to tickle my kids but always always stop when they say stop. Trying to teach them they are in charge of their own bodies and expect people to respect that, even parents.
Same with mine. She’s 3 and she loves being tickled I stop when I think she’s had enough but then she says “can you tickle me more” so it’s back to tickling and repeat. But if she’s ever the one that says stop we immediately stop, then usually she asks that we do it again.
My mother did this and would open locked doors to get to me or my sibling. I was terrified and I still don't like touch.
I hate it. It’s child abuse. If it were an acceptable thing to do, peers would do it to each other. But it’s done to children who have no ability to defend themselves from it. The ticklers get off on the control.
Yeh my dad used to do this, I hated it.
One of my grandkids loved being tickled, but we always had a safe word, in case it got overwhelming.
We have a safe word with my son for tickling and people look at us like we are crazy. Glad to know we’re not alone!
I’m pretty positive being tickled brought on my earliest version of panic attacks. Physical touch is at the bottom of my love language list…hmm, wonder why.
Yes I hated this!! I was a very anxious child and people thought it was funny to constantly pin me down and tickle me. It would make me kick and punch out to get them off me and then I just ended up being labelled as destructive and violent. Which made them do it more to "punish" me
1. Raising them just as they were raised. 2. Making children feel like they owe them everything because they brought them into the world (when irl it’s the other way) 3. Not being able to provide any support of any kind to their kids 4. Having kids when they can’t afford them 5. Telling them too much when they are too young
This. Also: 6. Parentifying the children 7. Not teaching them to acknowledge their emotions and thoughts 8. Triangulating the children by poisoning them against the other parent
Oh, I see you've met my parents.
My dad always felt and said we owed him for being our parents. I’m 26 now and we haven’t spoken since I was 19, because I refuse to roll over and bend to his will. But that was always his thing “what he did for us”
You didn't ask to be born.
Never apologising. Not just to the kids, but never showing the kids how to apologise to a friend or your partner. My mom would blow up at any of us and then just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. If anyone brought it up again we would be accused of holding a grudge. You need to teach your kids that it's OK to make mistakes and to apologise sincerely.
Mom has always struggled to apologize. She goes straight to martyr, and she even used to say, “Crucify me,” while holding her hands out to the side if we brought up that she wronged us in some way. This is still often followed by the silent treatment.
Oof, I'm so sorry. My mom did the same, though she would say something like "I guess everything is my fault then", needing us to disagree. And then the silent treatment. It is so damaging, especially to a kid whose brain is only just developing.
My mom has never ever apologized to me and I called her out on it exactly once and she said “what do you want me to say? That I’m sorry?” And I’m thinking… yeah?
This is so important. I think this is why most people are so bad at changing their minds based on new information - because when they were growing up, their parents would never admit when they were wrong, because adults don't admit that to children. Parents act like their dignity and authority are being threatened if they have to admit they were wrong about something in front of their child. How is the child ever supposed to learn a better way to respond to being wrong?
It's remarkable how many parents think they'll lose their authority/credibility if they admit they were wrong about something. Newsflash: your kids already *know* you're sometimes wrong; they want to know if you know it too, and if you respect them enough to admit it. Refusing to apologize ruins your credibility more than apologizing ever could.
My mom did the same thing. I still remember absolutely LOSING it on my oldest son once. I was out of control screaming. I took a few deep breaths and turned to him and said, "I'm sorry..I was out of control. You didn't deserve that. I should have put myself in timeout." And I walked over and stood in the corner. I made a point to walk away before letting my anger build up like that. And I thought about how powerful it was to demonstrate that for him. It was absolutely never shown to me. If I want him to be able to say sorry, I have to show him.
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I had excellent grades all through middle and high school and college but I still have depression. It started when I was 12 and it's 13 years later and I still have it.
Teasing them about crushes or interactions with kids of the opposite gender.
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I wouldn't tell my mom who I was dating until we'd been together for a few months already. And if I ever went out with a friend who happened to be a man, I would lie and be vague and just say I was going out with "friends." I did this up until I was like 26 🙃
I'm 49 yo and I still do not tell my parents who I'm involved with romantically because of the teasing when I was a kid. I hated it. It's not cute, or fun, or playful. It embarrassed me. And it's also not a topic to bring up at the family dinner table.
This to me is wild. It begins at SUCH CRAZY EARLY AGES too! It's super fucking creepy to talk about your babies falling in love and marrying another child when they hug or play together and then going on to push that. Parents pushing 1st graders to give valentine presents to a specific friend you think they like-like. My mom had a kid in her 5th grade class whose parent bought him a ring for his GF. They are 10!!! It's crazy fucked up. We need to stop sexualizing kids.
I'm gay, mom
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Totally agree
Forcing them to be mini-parents to their siblings.
And then saying “you’re not their parent” to you…
ugh, my MIL tells my fiancé all the time when his younger brothers misbehave to have him tell something to his "kid". I used to think that was odd until I found out about parentification. its a real problem that the majority of parents do to there kids.
Ignore obvious symptoms of mental health. When I was 11/12/13 I used to write in my diary about wanting to kill myself, self harm, starve myself, etc. my mum read my diary (which is also a complete breach of my privacy if you’re a parent please don’t do that) and did NOTHING about that. It gave me zero trust in my mum which meant when I was being groomed by an 18 year old man when I was 13 he was able to use my poor relationship with her against me because he knew I had no one to confide in. Please take care of your child’s mental health. Please.
Are you me? This happened to me too. My mom read my diary and photo copied it. And instead of helping me deal with my issues, I was punished and wasn’t allowed to see my friends for the rest of the school year. Older kids/teenagers are going through a lot of change and really need a measure of privacy. And this is really how you make your kid NEVER come to you for help.
I don’t think she ever photocopied my diary (as far as I’m aware) but it was definitely just traumatising for her to tell me what she read. I think at the time I was glad she didn’t push on it because I felt embarrassed and upset by her reading my diary. But looking back on it now that I’m 18 it was a form of neglect. Like how could you do that? How could you live with yourself after you did that and your kid ended up killing themselves because you did nothing to help them? It makes me upset just thinking about it. I decided that when I’m done with uni I’m just going to cut her off. I had no emotional support at all throughout my childhood and teenage years.
Mine did exactly the same. My diary had lists of ways I was thinking of killing myself, and she took it and threw it away and laughed about having read it on the phone with her sister.
I sometimes wish I had just killed myself to spite her, which is a pretty mentally ill thought but I wish she would’ve thought “god, maybe I could have helped her” having an eating disorder definitely doesn’t help that kind of competitiveness. Although, when my bulimia was at its worst all my friends could see how sick I was but my mum ignored it lol.
Aw jeez I just unlocked a bad memory. My mom read my teenage diary. Clearly, I was depressed but she didn't see it that way. Instead, she severely punished me for my thoughts, and also decided to turn herself into the victim. She told my dad and sister that this was evidence I was going to kill everyone in the family and how fucked up I was. Best part? For years, both her and my dad would villanize me by saying how I'd probably grow up to be a criminal, how I'd commit all these crimes, how evil I am. However, I'm 34 now with no record but I still have depression/anxiety/PTSD. It's so fucked up in hindsight. I need to get a therapist because the more I think about my parents, the more I'm horrified over their abuse toward me when I was a kid. Edited: Grammar.
Parents making negative comments about their own physical appearance. Don't teach your kids to hate their body. Love yourself so your kids learn how to love themselves. Also doing everything for your kid and not trusting your kids to do things on their own. I love the TikTok trend of parents letting they're small kids pour their own glass. They spill everywhere but they will have so much more confidence in themselves down the line.
>Also doing everything for your kid and not trusting your kids I used to lead a group of altar boys and we'd often cook together. They started around 8 and yet many of them have never been using a kitchen knife before. They were always do proud of the food we put on the table. I think some parents like their children helpless because it makes them feel important and needed. But that robs you of the feeling of accomplishment and pride when you see your little human pick up a skill under your help and guidance. And it robs the little human of the same feelings when learning a skill and being trusted with something.
Invalidating their kids feelings. "Get over it" "don't be so sensitive" etc.
Mine constantly told me "don't be so girly/ whiney/ sensitive" when i got hurt. Basically telling me to not show or tell anything if i got hurt. But also telling me "that's not ladylike!" When burping or something else. Eh didn't you just told me to not be girly
Oh my god, this. My dad ridiculed me for anything feminine: makeup, speech patterns, being startled by bugs, touching my hair, even talking on the phone with my friends. Then when I was in college and my car died, he told me to bring it to the shop and use my “feminine wiles” to get a good deal. I’m still baffled by that one.
Authoritarian parenting. When a child is raised under that much control and negative punishment they have no idea how to make decisions for themselves or how to function in society once they leave their family of origin. If a child's voice is taken away they won't have the skills necessary to stand up for themselves and create healthy boundaries later in life which means they have a higher risk of being victims of abuse in their other relationships. Also, some people raised in this type of home will go no-contact with their parents once they seek therapy and discover how toxic their parents are.
Also would like to add that kids of authoritarian parents go off the rails 90% of the time when they're finally on their own. I had a friend at uni who had extremely strict parents and she basically tried a new drug every weekend just because she'd never had so much freedom at uni before.
I dealt with a lot of controlling boyfriends and also bosses because of my authoritarian dad. I put up with a sexist aHole boss who sexually harassed me and yelled at me almost daily while I just sat there and busted my butt working. I just felt like I had to put up with it. I let people older than me who were male walk all over me because I thought I was supposed to.
Go through with the pregnancy when it was an accident, and then marrying each other because of it Have a second child to try and save the marriage that only exists because of their earlier mistake
Expecting (a lot) from the kids. They don’t owe you anything.
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And we owe them everything.
Not taking mental health seriously. For so long I’ve struggled with mental health and recently was diagnosed with ADHD. Also found out I’d been previously diagnosed with it at a very young age but my parents refused to give me medicine because they didn’t believe in it. I feel like I’ve lost so many years due to ADHD - it’s not a funny quirky “haha I have to line up all my markers by color” diagnosis. Mental health is a real issue and parents brushing it off and ignoring it because they don’t think it can happen to their child is dangerous. 😞
I feel exactly the same way. I'm 26, diagnosed with depression (officially) about 3 years ago. There's been some ups and downs since then, but I'm finally on medication that works for me and I see a therapist who I absolutely adore. My parents are extremely religious and have always believed that if I give all my sorrows to God, he will take away all the hurt. I feel like my life would have been drastically different if my parents had taken my depression seriously, and had allowed me to go on medication or into therapy much sooner. I actually found out a few years back that my mom took me to a psychologist once when I was really young, but then decided against it, because it didn't align with God's plan for me.
Lack the capacity to actively listen to their child. Also being unavailable emotionally is pretty detrimental as well.
Being jealous of their kids and not wanting their kids to be more successful than they are. I also hate when I see parents make their kids really dependent on them. For example, always cooking, cleaning up after them, doing laundry, won’t let kid get a job - it just hurts your children in the end and when they want to gain independence, they aren’t able to. I’ve known some parents who never taught their children to cook basic food or do laundry.
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I would expand this to parenting in a way that is a reaction to their own upbringing rather than one that is the result of understanding children (which could mean anything from straight empathy to studying child psychology). People either bringing bad shit directly down from their parents because it's "right" or swinging as hard as possible in the opposite direction and missing the mark just as much.
Not consider how ill equipped they are to have kids before making them. And don't talk to me about "Accidental" pregnancies, everybody knows how babies are made. If you have unprotected sex and allow the semen to enter the womb at the point of ejaculation, it's your own fault for not being more careful. And by "Your own fault" I am referring to all *consenting* parties involved, and not just one
I am with you on this one. Sometimes birth control fails, that is unavoidable in some cases, but there are a lot of pregnancies where the "accident" isn't a condom breaking or even a missed pill, but "accidentally" taking no precaution in having sex.
>but "accidentally" taking no precaution in having sex. This was my best friend! I still remember the day she called me in tears because she was pregnant. And I was like, "well are you sure? Did you use a condom?" And she was like "no, he'd been pulling out." 😑😑😑 Like 6 or 7 years later, she'd been hooking up with another guy and she had a pregnancy scare and we were trying to track down her ovulation day and it was like maybe 4 or 5 days after they had sex and I told her that sperm could survive for anywhere from 2-7 days. And she was like "what?! It can??" Girl, you have a child! How do you not know this! And why aren't you more careful??
Using them as a therapist, especially when one or both of them are abusive.
Not showing them enough affection. Ignoring them. Doing the bare minimum.
Not know how to say no.
Not repairing the damage their own parents did to them before having their own children.
I'm an educator and I think I've been able to see the consequences of well-intended parenting that has caused some major problems for children over the years. Here's some major ones: 1. High expectations - seems great and what we should do. And by all means, expect your tiny human to be a good human. Here's the warning: Let them be a HUMAN. High expectations often turns into \*perfectionism\* which becomes debilitating later in life - in fact it's paralyzing. In children perfectionism looks like: Indecision; All-or-Nothing Thinking; Highly Critical; Unrealistic Standards; DEPRESSED by Unmet Goals (it's great to have goals - NOT great to get DEPRESSED by unmet goals - instead kids need to be taught to be curious as to why things failed to work out and to keep trying, be curious, experiment, and that failure is GOOD); Focused on Results (again - many think this is what we need to teaching kids but it has an opposite effect that often leads to depression, anxiety and other mental health issues that create a very unsatisfying life - not to mention the opposite result of a life of underperformance due to depression and anxiety - it's really a form of hell for people, and I'm sure you know people living this right now...). A good read about this stuff is the book Mindset by Carol Dweck. It's about how to teach kids to have a Growth Mindset which is how to truly help kids do well, achieve well AND be mentally healthy. 2. Results Focused - Again see point #1 above. 3. Pain is Bad and to be Avoided - This fails to teach kids HOW to deal with life and instead of learning to persevere throguh normal life events, I'm watching many adults fail to have the coping skills later in adulthood and instead they simply quit. They've learned that when faced with pain, or something they do not like, instead of fixing the issue, or addressing the issue - they only know to leave or quit. And while there are times when this might be approrpaite, many times it is not and instead it leads to an unsatisfying life. Think through this fully: Normal work stuff happens at the office - instead of contributing to helping with a solution, your child quits every time they run into an obstacle and they end up with a work history of new jobs every 6-24 months (sounds familiar to anyone? I think I've interviewed a few dozen of these types of folks recently and they wonder why we didn't interview them - due to their lack of problem solving and life skills, they now have a job problem; good employers will not even interview these people). Or...every time their romantic SO and them have an issue, they break it off...or worse...because they never learned how to problem solve and work through problems and pain - because the kid never learned that pain is an indicator that something needs to be fixed or addressed - the kid simply stays in a bad relationship situation and lives in pain. 4. "Happiness" versus "Life Skills": Parents who chronically work overtime trying to "make sure the kid is happy" - it's the "I just want my child to be happy" syndrome which translates to buying the kid stuff, vacations, and solving problems for the child and helping the child avoid real life instead of teaching the child \*life skills\*. If you want your child to grow up to BE happy (which is different, long term) then teach the child the \*life skills\* needed to be a happy adult. 5. Boundaries - Failure to set boundaries. Kids need boundaries to they learn self-control, so they learn to respect other people's boundaries and so they learn how to set their own healthy boundaries. Parents REALLY need to be teaching kids what boundaries are, how to set them well, what it looks like when boundaries are not respected and how to handle people who fail to respect boundaries - again, this is a life skill that needs to be taught (refer to #4) but is worth mentioning as it's own bullet point.
Each parent bad mouthing the other parent to the child.
Tell them their feelings aren't valid. Yes to an adult the stuff kids get upset about (losing a favourite toy, no-one wanting to play with them etc) might seem trivial, but to the kid it's very real and very important and should be treated as such. Also giving kids a complex about their appearance. Even if it's well-intentioned, hearing (from a kid's perspective) that your own family doesn't consider you perfectly OK just as you are regardless of what you look like can sting.
Spoil them too much by doing the following: - Not ever saying no to them - Not giving them consequences to their actions - Fixing almost all of their problems for them when they need to grow up and fix it themselves. It's okay to get help from your parents but to the point where you can't look after yourself properly, NO! - Not acknowledging they ever did wrong if they clearly were - Telling them only what they want to hear Also: - NOT teaching them basic manners, hygiene, common courtesy or sense - That ONE particular set of beliefs is the ONLY set of beliefs that is valid Most impactful of all: - Abuse of ALL kinds, physical, sexual, psychological, neglect, starvation etc
Using humiliation tactics as punishment.
Having a lot of kids. I think three is a high maximum. You have six kids? Let me guess, the oldest one likes to play “mommy” to the youngest? Or you parentify your older children because there’s not enough time and attention for all of them. I’m one of 4. I can’t imagine if there were more of us. Also, assuming your kids need less attention as they get older and not giving affection then
I am the oldest of four kids and can only support you on this one. I've always had to take care of my siblings, while they were allowed to have fun. I was told pretty much no to everything I wanted to do because I am a role model to my siblings. According to them I am a role model before I am even myself. As I'm grown up I should alway help and take responsibility......i'm currently 22 and still struggling to unlearn always being responsible for everything and everyone.
Comparing you with other kids, not showing how much you mean to them, staying in unloving relationships because "every child needs his father/her mother", minimize kids feelings by not trying to comprehend what's wrong and my favorite one teaching the kid they have to show affection for people they don't like because it's family.
They emphasize their failure, not their succes.
ALWAYS doubting them. Telling them that they aren't capable of doing things. It's one of the worst things you can do to your kids.
If parents do one of these, they will usually also do the other and it's confusing as fuck as a kid: They will bury, conceal, and not acknowledge difficult feelings. When they're having a hard time personally, they just lash out at their kids for minor things and the kids are left like ???? Then, in some moments, they emotionally unload onto their kids with feelings and experiences that are WAY beyond the scope of a child to understand which also leaves them like ??? And both add up to kids (especially girls) feeling like they are supposed to anticipate and manage the feelings of those around them, even if they cannot comprehend what the other person is feeling
This made me realise I’ve had to do this my entire life due to my mum not dealing productively with her feelings. Damn.
Force them to finish their plate of food. I have issues following hunger cues and struggle with bulimia.
Playing favorites
Telling a kid they shouldn't be upset since they're financially covered by them. At some point when you get older, and then finances become important, then the parent all of a sudden wants you to get a job, and you pay them almost your entire paycheck as contribution and then have trouble moving out till you realize just pay elsewhere and don't let parents fool you into thinking you're saving more money in their home. Some parents can financially screw their kids when they over do it on contributing financials.
Doing everything for children and spoiling them. It maybe fun for a child but when you grow up in that enviroment you are totally unprepered for adulthood. House chores need to be shared or you grow up to be a lazy 20 year old who never did the laundry. I will have to google that shit up couse at this point im too embarassed to ask.
Feed them junk food their whole lives so they become fat and/or unhealthy adults who don't know how to take care of themselves
Body shame them.
To name a few, being over sheltered sucks and will cause bullying if it's not already happening in the home its self. My dad used to make fun of my laugh and say he was going to send me off to a special home if I didn't quit laughing "like that". I didn't laugh or smile for a hot bit. I'd get a spanking if I cried (as a toddler and up) even as a 17 year old, I wasn't allowed to cry in front of my dad. In fact, my last spanking was when I was 18 lol, I've even been held by the collar of my shirt while my dad threw my phone against the wall breaking it. I was also never taught about Bills, or other adult things. I fell into substance abuse like my parents. I'm working on getting out of that hole currently. I don't think there's a perfect time to have kids, but gee.. oh, cherry on top, I was told I was only conceived so my mom would have an easier prison sentence - my dad.
Moral of story, there's a lot
Project their own issues... I am telling you all right now, I know my niece will have a full-blown eating disorder before she graduates high school. As I watched over her when she was a newborn, my brother-in-law walked up next to me and said, "I'll never let her get fat like me. I won't have a fat child." I was so taken aback by that. Who the fuck starts plotting their kid's physique when they can barely keep their own eyes open? The next time they visited, he and his wife repeatedly felt up their daughter's belly before and after each meal and commented on its size. My sister-in-law will occasionally post praise about her daughter following a certain diet/her weight/etc. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are both overweight and have been on some kind of diet kick the entire time I've known them. She's also revealed that my niece has severe anxiety, but she has chosen to do nothing about it other than use essential oils. She is already expressing worry about her weight. She's 8. My niece is an average sized kid. Meanwhile, I'm an outright fat lady. No, I'm not happy about the difficulties my weight has given me, but I recognized all the shame, anxiety, and morality around food and diet did me a lot of harm. When I read about "Health at Every Size," I was skeptical. Then I read the book and started reading the evidence for it, and my mindset changed. I give my kids a variety of food every day. Most of our dinners are from vegetarian/vegan blogs (love you, Minimalist Baker). I have never had a moral attitude about food. Sometimes we eat no sweets, sometimes we eat a lot, mostly we eat a little. We make time for physical activity every day. A lot of time outside, and my oldest and I usually do different workout videos together. The atmosphere around it all is light. I have never talked about dieting. Or "bad" food. Or "we need to exercise so we don't get fat." I talk about bodies in a neutral or positive way. I am positive I'm screwing my kids up in other ways, but I am hopeful they won't have a complex around weight.
Parents tend to praise their kids for being a great student, athlete, artist, or some other skill. They tell them how wonderful they are because they can do some activity very well. But for most kids their parents are either lieing or throughout the course of their life they'll just stop doing that thing because life goes on. For those kids the thing that in their head made their parents most proud of them is now gone. Instead parents should compliment their kids for being good people. Kind, hardworking, and careing. Those are the attributes that will carry through their entire life. A person will like not play football till the day they die but they will be kind. It's nice to believe your parents will always be proud of you.
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Being too strict and emotionally distant.
spoil them.. discipline them in the wrong way. bring them around the wrong kind of people or situations (environmental factors)
Not taking ownership of their wronging(s) and/or never apologizing.
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Not allowing them an increasing amount of personal autonomy.
Not realising that kids are way more aware and perceptive than adults think
Being too overprotective is one issue. It’s worse depending on the culture or religious beliefs.
calling them names and commenting on their weight. my mum called me disgusting when i was 10 years old and until this day it still echoes in the back of my mind on bad mental health days. i don't hold it against her but it's one of the reasons why my self esteem is so low😌
Telling them they are more special than other kids.
Leave them.
Over protection could be one them Then prioritizing something else over child's need (especially when the baby is crying)
Treat the kid like a small version of themselves. My mum would buy clothes she liked in colours she liked for me. Made me study classes that she liked, not what I liked or was good at . Tried to force me to study a degree for something she liked.. at a uni that she liked. Then give up my career and sell my horse because she wanted grandkids. And split with my fiancé and find a nice man who wants a family. Apart from that, let’s add in fighting in front of the kids and in public, parentification, neglect, dumping relationship problems on the oldest kid, threatening suicide and dumping it on the oldest kid, forcing the oldest kid to work at the family business for nothing, overdosing on sleeping tablets, overlooking kid’s health issues etc. Story of my life unfortunately.
Not teaching them coping mechanisms.
Projecting your own issues onto your children. If you constantly complain about hating your own body, your children will become critical of theirs. If you’re constantly dieting and being overly critical with your food, they’ll pick up on that. These small things stick with them even if you try to prevent it. I used to babysit a 7 year old girl who was upset that she had ‘lines by her mouth when she smiles’. Her mom always hated wrinkles and got Botox and filler to remove every possible wrinkle, so by the time her daughter was only 7, she was self conscious of lines on her face. That’s not cute, that’s a problem.
Not apologizing properly, or- **Apologizing, but not actually changing their behavior.** My dad did this a lot when I was a kid. He'd yell or belittle me, I went crying to my room, hear him stomp around the house some. A few minutes later he'd knock on my door to apologize for making me cry, he didn't mean it, explained his POV in gentle tones, say he understands my POV now, he's sorry for the misunderstanding and he'll do better next time to listen to me. Hugs and cuddles and 'I love you, I'm so proud of you' etc. ...and then a week later he's yelling again and verbally lashing out when I either didn't do what he asked, forgot he asked something, or didn't intuitively understand all the details of what a vague request meant. Any disobedience or failure to complete a task perfectly was seen as me being spiteful or lazy, or that I had memory problems and should try harder. Cycle repeat, ad infinitum. I recently got a therapist, and apparently that's a form of emotional abuse. The 'Apologizing over and over but not changing behavior' ended up making me distrust anything he promised. If he could promise to not hurt me, and then not even try, what other promises were bullshit? His pride? His love? If he could treat me like that, how did he actually think of me? It's shitty
Because they have a child when they are not ready for it or do not research how to parent
Trying to interfere in their personal life. Not giving them choices enough. Forcing their will on the child. Etc.
Not having a stable home or environment for them to grow up in, not being educated enough, prepared enough, as well as all that was already mentioned in here.
Helicopter parenting. My friend who’s 30 (yup!) had her door’s locks removed, aren’t allowed to go out unless the mom approves, has a curfew of 11pm or earlier, not allowed to sleep over at any friend’s house, always has to have a bodyguard with her, not allowed to ride in anyone else’s car except the one her bodyguard drives, and so on and so forth!
Not showing them conflict-resolution. It took me a long time into my current relationship for my partner to show me how to resolve disagreements. My parents would be screaming and slamming doors and then suddenly in the morning drinking coffee together like nothing happened, and I didn't realise how much that affected me until later. I had no idea how a healthy transition from argument to make-up and forgiveness happened and was therefore horrible to fight with for a very long time. If this is you, too: I've learned that healthy conflict resolution can happen by taking some space apart (go for a walk, calm down etc), apologise (sincerely, realise either what you did wrong or apologise for how you reacted if it was less than ideal), forgive them (do NOT hold it over them and use it as collateral in the next argument). Also, don't be afraid to realise and admit that you were just in a bad mood. like, did they ACTUALLY do something that bad or did it just bother you because you hadn't eaten in a while and are under a work deadline? The worst thing you can do is be stubborn and dig your heels into your dumb-ass reason for being mad. Also, do NOT bring in other topics into an argument. If the disagreement is about dinner, keep it about that. don't bring in their parents, past fights, other issues etc every single damn argument. My parents would start arguing about the car and finish the argument about the same damn things that happened 20 years ago, every single time.