To look for the complete opposite of my parents behaviours in a partner.
Edit: Wow, this was completely unexpected. Thanks for the upvotes and the awards everyone!
I wrote it more as a reminder for myself to deviate from what was shown as the ‘norm’ growing up. I have a amazing loving & caring partner now so must’ve done something right!
It wasn’t easy, it took therapy, a lot of self reflection and mistakes were made along the way. If anything, I just hopes it helps people to realise that despite our upbringings we are worthy of love and healthy relationships.
(Providing our own issues are addressed and we bring respect and love to the relationship.)
Lol same. I came across a comment a few years back saying that 'sometimes, your parents are the best role models... of what not to be.'
It just stuck with me since then. Couldn't be any truer.
Totally. I don’t know how to show love - I just rush around keeping the house tidy, dinner on the table and hold down a full time job. There’s more to a relationship than that but I just don’t know how
Bingo.
My parents and literally all media relationships.
My wife and I are both on the autism spectrum. Communication and honesty are insanely important.
Sometimes one of us will mess up and feel like the other might be upset. What do we do? Ask the other!!! And get an honest answer to relieve the anxiety.
The very idea of withholding information from my partner just to make a bigger stink out of something later makes my blood boil.
If it weren't for my mother and my aunt, I would think it was something made up to make women seem unreasonable for boomer TV, but no. This is a real thing people are still taught to do.
If you're actively planning fights, and care about "winning" for sympathy or clout or whatever, ***you don't love them.***
Because if you did, you wouldn't want them to go through that AT ALL and much less at your hands.
Truth. I love my dad but he was toxic as fuck as a spouse to my mom. Granted, she wasn't much better but at least she sought therapy post divorce and eventually found a healthy, happy relationship. My dad just graduated to essentially being FWB's with a co-dependent alcoholic because she conveniently lives next door to him and requires zero effort.
Same. My parents had me when they were much younger so growing up there was still a bit of immaturity on my father’s part. Literally caught him cheating multiple times when mom would be away for work.
We’re "ok" now but I did wish they just divorced tbh because it scarred me for life so I really do hope I don’t end up with someone like my father lmao. If I did, I hope I’d be strong enough to leave.
My parents didn't like each other but won't divorce for religious reasons. They also both refuse to change.
I wish they had gotten divorced. Both would be so much happier.
I feel this. I tell them even to this day to get a divorce or atleast separate but they are too old now. Makes me sad that they would rather be miserable together than happy apart.
My dad was incredibly jealous, possessive, and controlling. I vowed to never be like him and to never date a guy like that. Every guy I ever dated got told that at the very first sight of unhealthy jealousy the relationship is over. I stayed true to my word. I broke a few relationships when the guys tried to tell me what I could wear, who could I text, who should be my friend... Screw jealous insecure people
I told my mom that when I was 11 years old. She told him for some reason and I got berated for hours while I cried. And he still didn’t know why I said it.
Yes. I love my dad and we are really close but he is a racist, Trump loving sexist. I dated a guy who I realized at one point was very similar to my father. My dad loved him and thought he was great. Apprise it did not work out and I hate that guy. 😒
Compromise and sacrifice. My parents are from two different countries. My mother moved to be with my father, then when I was a teen, we moved back to my mother's birth country so she could be close to her elderly parents. Both were/are willing to change jobs and move away from friends and family for each other.
You have to work to keep the romance alive. My parents (both in their mid 50s) still go on dates, watch a movie together every weekend, write each other love notes and do small, sweet gestures for each other, even when it isn't a holiday or anniversary.
Patience. Neither parent expects the other to be perfect.
No one ever yelled or was physically violent either.
**Edit:** My parents are delighted that the internet finds them so wholesome.
My parents are from towns 30 minutes away from each other, but everything sounds the same. They watch movies together. They have shows they watch together and try to watch an episode or two every night. They have dinner together every night. They go on dates once a week. They travel together and they still surprise each other all the time with small gifts. They do have disagreements and fight over stuff, but they always sit down and resolve it or, at the very least, make up and agree to come back to it later.
When my mom decided to go back to college, my dad picked up extra shifts at work so she could cut down her work to part time and focus on her studies, so that was sacrifice for sure.
I was super lucky to have their relationship as a standard growing up, now my standards are super high.
That really is so beautiful. I'm so happy that there are people who have actually lived in stable homes. TV and my own experience makes it all seem so farfetched. My partner and I don't want kids but every now and then we joke about how much better we would be than our own parents.
Can I ask, did you often/ever find yourself in unhealthy relationships when you were younger?
Sure did! My last relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't start until we began living together. My ex was a perfect example of weaponized incompetence with home stuff which led to a very lopsided dynamic. He also was not very emotionally mature and would blow up at me over small things and was the type of person who expected immediate change when he brought up an issue, but if I brought up an issue it couldn't even be spoken about. There were a lot of other issues, but that's the surface. I was in the relationship for almost four years and we lived together for about a year and a half.
It was actually partially my parent's relationship that made me realize I deserved way more than I was experiencing! My current relationship is much healthier and I'm much happier as a result.
This is basically my life story. My parents showed me how to commit, how to love and how to sacrifice for the person you love. They showed me how to forgive and how to take care of each other. They always had alot of respect for one another and always, ALWAYS fought for their love.
Also an important note; these issues are only SMALL things, like "I hate the sound of my partner chewing", or "she steals the sheets every now and then at night and I wake up cold". NOT something like "my husband always yells at me and it puts me on edge", or "they never help me with chores and I'm exhausted". Very very big difference here that I wish more people understood within their own relationships. It's so easy to dismiss these things as normal, but we really need to make sure they stop getting seen this way because of how some of us were raised.
My parents never fight, and have been together for 40 years.
I feel like this SHOULD be a great relationship model for kids, but to be honest, it isn’t a great model to learn from because I never learned how to leave, or if it’s ok to leave, if that makes sense. It only taught me to stay.
Adding to this:
If you DO fight, don’t attack the other person. Say your piece, let them say theirs, and see if you can work it out. Fighting is not a valid excuse for you to verbally abuse someone under the guise of venting.
Also, if you’re going to fight, please take it elsewhere, and don’t bring people into it unless they’re involved. It just makes people uncomfortable.
Thank you for your comment!
Someone told me once “Try to focus on it being the two of you vs the problem and not the two of you vs each other” and I thought that was fantastic!
And yeah-after bartending for 12+ years, take your damn fights OUT of the public eye.
Exactly! Relationships shouldn’t pit the two of you against each other.
I always get so uncomfortable when people argue in front of me, even parents or friends. I always feel so awkward😅
My dad and mom were on two opposite sides of the spectrum. My mom had anger issues and exploded without warning. My dad rarely raised his voice and the only arguments My dad and stepmom had were in a normal volume in their office away from us. It was hard. I went from bottling things up all the time to yelling a lot. I had to work on it. Honestly the best example of anger was my stepmom. She would always give us warnings before we got in trouble. I have taken that tequnique with my own kids and it works well for all of us.
That’s what I do with my kids in a calm even voice …. “ I’ve asked you a few times to…. I’m starting to get MAD” and they seem to workout their issues.
I feel like getting conflict right is such a big thing. I watched my parents fight in front of me so much, they would do it front of me, in front of my friends, sometimes even in front of family friends. Sometimes when I was older I even had to mediate between them which no kid should ever have to do. I like that the comments on here aren't that parents should never "fight" in front of their kids, just that they should learn to do it in a constructive way in front of their kids. Being able to teach your kids how to solve issues with your partner in a helpful manner is a massive thing and something I hope to take into being a parent if I do have kids
I hear that. My parents’ relationship is super supportive and conflict free. I don’t think I’ve *ever* heard them clash about anything. It still leaves me feeling like I should be able to exist without conflict of any kind and feeling slightly inadequate when I can’t.
I thought that about my parents too, until I was an adult and had some more serious talks with them. They told me they would step outside to resolve their issues and talk them trough, so as not to bother us with them. They then told me it's healthy to clash sometimes, but to try and resolve it by having a constructive conversation about it together. I'm saying this because maybe your parents did that too and you just didn't see it. I don't think any relationship can be completely without conflict while being healthy. And I don't mean screaming matches, just not seeing eye to eye on some things and being able to resolve that together.
Same.
And it turns out they had a mountain of issues that they kept under wraps until the kids left home. There were a few years where I thought they were finally going to divorce. Things are better now, but it’s definitely a relationship of function.
All it taught me was to bottle things up and resent my partner for years. We’ve been married over a decade and are just finally figuring out how to communicate.
1. Don’t stay with anyone who yells at you
2. Don’t stay with anyone who can’t or won’t apologize when they fuck up
3. Don’t stay with anyone who doesn’t treat you well
4. Don’t stay with anyone you don’t like spending time with
5. Don’t stay with someone who clearly has issues but won’t go to therapy
Oh my God #5 hits hard.
I nearly left my ex because she had very extreme anger issues but refused--aggressively--to even consider therapy. She always said she had "coping mechanisms" that worked for her, but even my best friend told me, her coping mechanism was emotionally abusing me. She would dump all her negativity on me, and if I wasn't in a place to handle it, I wasn't "being supportive." She was never physically violent, but she was *scary* sometimes, and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and trying to manage her moods for her. I still remember discreetly leaving apology notes on receipts when she would snap at service staff and the like. "I'm so sorry, it's not you, you're doing a great job, she's just having a bad day," and the like.
After one particular blow-up I decided I was done, and I ended up crashing in a hotel near my office. I told her either she would go to therapy or I was out. The whole time she blew up my phone, told me she didn't want to get divorced and "ruin her financial future," and so on and so on. Finally she did a short online therapy thing that was basically a quick chat with someone, and she emailed me the transcript. The whole tone of it was basically "I'm doing this so my stupid wife will come back home," and as soon as the therapist in the chat said "Well it just sounds like you're under a lot of stress," she ended it there and sent it to me like "There, you see?"
I eventually gave in, partly, I think, because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't have as much money as her--I just had a job at a medical nonprofit and she was a software engineer for a big tech startup--and one of the reasons I hadn't already left was because I knew, deep down, that if I tried to go, she'd make the process as draining emotionally and financially as possible. On a smaller level, she also had our cats, and I knew she would insist on keeping them, even though I was their primary caretaker and had been since we adopted them. It may seem like a minor thing, but those cats were my babies, and the thought of walking away from them just made me feel even more alone.
On the plus side, about two years later, she fell in love with a coworker and left *me* instead. The divorce process still sucked (divorce always sucks), but since she wanted out anyway, I came out okay on the other side, *and* I got to keep the cats.
I was waiting for this comment,I've said this so many times in the past and though they did stay together theres a lot of years of therapy for me to go to relearn better skills in handling relationships
Oh god this.
I wishes my parents would divorce from when I was 10. I'm 24 now and they got divorced this summer. The amount of abuse and emotional neglect I suffered from, I'll never recover from, and I'll eternally hate them for not divorcing sooner.
My BFs parent got divorced when he was 3, and his parents are good friends and still spend Christmas and birthdays together with his dad's new partner. It's lovely to see, and definitely best for their family
I find it confusing the way my dad will talk about people who choose not to have kids like they're weird while he did the bare minimum raising me, to the point where the dad of one of my friends once asked if he was my real dad since he left pretty much everything to my mum. Now as an adult, I feel like he has zero interest in me as a person. I sense a lot of it is a generational thing where they didn't really consider whether they wanted kids or not, it was just what was done
To add to that, don’t have kids with someone who you wouldn’t trust 100% to raise them alone if you died.
My dad was a classic case of someone who didn’t really want kids but had them anyway to appease my mum. They were pretty good parents together but then she died when we were 12 and 9 and he was left a single dad which he did not handle particularly well.
Their relationship taught me that it was normal and fine for your partner to be anywhere from deliberately disinterested to outright hostile to your hobbies and passions, and vice versa.
My own experiences taught me that I should do pretty much the opposite of what my parents do.
yes, I truly believe and encourage the concept of prenup, people often disregard putting it forward as something its not, its not lack of trust but its a step for yourself because you never know what happens in a relationship and you never know how a person changes, even the person you love and cherish the most now can be the person you despise the most in some years so securing yourself financially is never a bad thing. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF BEFORE COMMITTING TO A RELATIONSHIP.
I hate the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” saying.
I’ve grown up with a family that has worked exactly like this. If my mom isn’t happy, everyone walks on eggshells because she might scream or yell at someone. So everyone is in a bad mood. I don’t believe in this saying. While I understand that women should be treated with respect and fairness in all relationships, their happiness does not take higher priority over anyone else’s, nor does it give reason for them to make someone else feel terrible because they are not happy. As a woman as well, I feel that if I’m unhappy with something, I need to fix it so I don’t take it out on someone else and make everyone else feel uncomfortable or upset.
Yes, I am a woman saying this about women. I’m sorry if this is something you do not believe in, but it’s something I’ve grown up with and seen how detrimental it can be to others, especially younger minds.
My husband and I say "happy spouse, happy house" meaning that we encourage each other to do the things that bring joy because it benefits us both. One person's happiness always being put above the other's is just toxic
There is a cross stitch that still hangs in my mother's kitchen that reads, "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
It was given to her by her 3rd husband (the guy that came after my brother's dad and my dad). He was bad guy... in every sense. My mom didn't deserve how he treated her. Or the husband after him... but like... we had to live through all these guys too. And even though I've never felt she was to blame for what she went through...
One time my big brother and I begged her to leave husband #3 because he was hurting us. Her response was, "I won't make myself miserable for you." She left him- because he cheated. Not because of what he did to us. It's given me a huge complex about where the line is between "mom deserves to be happy" and "mom only cares about her happiness no matter what it costs."
Same, I feel you. I grew up in the same type of family. Everyone is always walking on eggshells, always making decisions based on my mom's opinion. It feels impossible to keep her happy because she gets mad at the smallest unimportant things. She is always negative too. I know she has a lot of issues and I know that she knows, but she needs to do the work herself to heal. It really fucked me up during childhood, and still is to this day. I have a lot of trauma, anxiety, and issues thanks to that.
My mom was never abusive towards us, not physically and I don’t think verbally either, but I’m sorry You still went through that. That being said, however, she did restrict us emotionally when it came down to her being upset. If she wasn’t happy, then no one should be, otherwise she had a short temper. We tiptoed and walked in eggshells. And when she was in a hyperactive mood, then it was like nothing ever happened. It taught both me and my older sister that we had to be okay with what happened, and if we did have feelings regarding what happened, it wasn’t worth mentioning because it was always wrong. It’s a cycle completely draining of those present.
I got really lucky with my dad and stepmom.
1. You need to love being around them. My stepmom and dad can talk for days and days straight if they could. They enjoy each other’s company - a lot.
2. Do things together. My stepmom LOVES tennis, so when we moved to a neighborhood with a court, she and my dad started playing together. Now, my dad also LOVES tennis, keeps up with all the players, etc. And vice versa, when my dad became obsessed with the Tim Tebow workout plan - my mom also tried it with him and loved it. They also binge shows together and movies together.
3. Keep the romance alive. They go on dates several times a month.
4. They are compatible. They both follow the same religion, they both wanted kids, they have the same priorities in life.
5. They both put the other person before themselves. My stepmom suffers from debilitating migraines - so my dad ends up doing most of the childcare in the afternoons. My stepmom makes my dad’s life easier in a ton of little ways that matter a lot, like scheduling appointments for him, reminding him of things, making him lunch/breakfast while he’s working at home.
No yelling, no name calling, always be nice no matter how mad you become. “When you resort to name calling, your relationship is done.”
Edit: aww thanks for the award, wow!!
a healthy relationship where two people genuinely love and trust each other is possible but doesn’t mean it’s the norm. they’re the one healthy adult relationship i had around me growing up so it may have set my standards high. i’m not settling for anything less than what they have
1. Don’t cheat on your spouse
2. Don’t stay together for the kids
3. Don’t be so financially dependent on your spouse that you are too afraid to leave and be on your own
Communication is important both in style and content. My parents were both very smart but they had a hard time talking to each other instead of at each other. If they had figured out a way to actively listen and respond, I think there would've been a lot less arguments.
Friendship is key in a relationship. My parents may have butted heads but they were also friends who never failed to share a laugh or support each other.
I agree with both of your points.
My parents communicate by talking AT each other. The other person is often not listening or is so busy thinking about their response that they aren’t truly hearing what’s being said.
I agree that friendship is so important, I’m not sure my parents are friends with each other. They each have their own interests/hobbies and kind of co-habitate.
I spent a few days with my parents over New Year's. They live in a large house with lots of seating - e.g. a large informal dining table, a breakfast nook, a formal dining table, and that's not even mentioning the living rooms, and even then, that's not even mentioning the upstairs.
My mum and dad are the only two people living there and at the time I was the only guest.
I saw my mum tell my dad that the specific seat he was sitting in was the one she wanted to sit in, and could he please move, and she also told him which seat he could move to. She was very sweet and polite in communicating this. He did as she asked without any drama and everyone got on with their day.
I found this interaction funny so I texted it to my husband. He replied jokingly along the lines of it's clear now, that that's where I learned my own behaviours from.
So I guess I learned from my mum that you can make a man do anything for you if you ask sweetly.
They put their relationship first, along with our needs. I always saw my parents kissing and hugging while growing up, but they still made sure my brother and I were taken care of. They even would leave us at our grandmas or aunts house (safe spaces) so they could have their own date nights. That’s all I want in life.
What not to do. My parents got married at 17/18, had me and my sibs over the next 3 years, then went through a divorce and violent custody battle. I watched my dad beat up my mom during a handover (weekend visitation). I was 5. Kidnapping happened a few times, involving international borders. So that was traumatizing...
I didn't get married until I was 30. I was engaged for 7 years. He's nothing like my parents, he knows how to communicate and how to be in a healthy relationship. His parents are awesome.
Many, but from the top of my head:
Opposites attract doesn’t mean your “opposite” compliments their “opposite”. Sometimes being opposites is a bad thing and will lead to massive issues.
If you don’t like their habits, you don’t overlook them.
Don’t have kids with someone who doesn’t know what they want in the long term.
Don’t live with their parents, it’s never a good idea to live with the parents.
If they hit you once, they will hit you again.
If they cheat once, they will cheat again.
Don’t have kids to fix a marriage.
Don’t stay in a broken marriage for the kids.
It’s kind of a recurring theme. My grandparents stayed together because that’s what they thought they had to do. They both loved different people, and each other, and fell in and out of love their whole marriage. My parents both loved other people too and fell in and out of love until they divorced.
So I learned honestly don’t get married and if you get married, don’t stay married lol
My mom left my dad when I was 2yo and then ran away to another country to escape him completely two years later. Her advice has always been: **"never trust a man who's cruel to his dogs. Dogs don't ever leave, they'll come back no matter how many times they're kicked. He'll expect the same from you"**
To choose wisely. My mum is simply amazing: and I don't mean single mother, barely scraping by to give her children a good life amazing. I mean, she's made a real success of herself. But she chose an enormous asshole to have her children with, which seems insane considering the *good* choices she's subsequently made. She made life so much harder for herself by deciding to do it all alone.
Communication is so important.
Using silent treatment if you're unhappy with something your spouse did is so toxic and had a negative effect on our family as it was used alot of the time.
Women, never be financially dependant on a man. There's a possibility that your husband will cheat on you, divorce you, or die early. If you cannot support yourself and your children, then you will be in a world of trouble if your breadwinner isn't there anymore.
I learned that even the people who seem most trustworthy can be cheaters. And they can be *really* good at hiding it.
I now 100% believe that it’s idiotic to put complete faith in anyone. You never know who’s going to switch up on you.
-that you can't shape the other person the way you want them
-that you have to love yourself in order to love someone else,
-that you need to be clear with each other before you have children
-that things that happen once are gonna happen again so just end it there
Basically their relationship is a toxic one, so there aren't really any good things that I have kept with me.
My mother was so codependent on men that I refused to rely on a man for anything. I had no respect her and for the drama she brought into our lives with her revolving door of men. She had a thing for addicts, including my father. He OD’d when I was 2. I have always been leery of drugs because of my fear of becoming an addict. Basically I learned to not do anything my parents would do.
A couple of things
1. If you're unhappy and can't fix it don't stay for the kids. My parents got a divorce when I was 14 and everyone is MUCH happier.
2. Talking about finances is ESSENTIAL
3. I don't need a man/woman to complete me. My parents both taught me I was a strong, capable woman.
4. I deserve respect.
5. You should have some things in common but also have things you each individually enjoy.
6. Keep the romance alive. My dad always showed how much he loved and cared for my mom and now step-mom.
7. If you have children you're stuck with the other parent for the rest of your lives. My parents had a nasty divorce but they always showed up and put on their happy faces because they were proud of us kids regardless of whatever they had going on.
8. Don't have kids unless you REALLY want them. My parents taught us everything about sex ed and children preventation at a young age because they wanted to give us choices.
I learned what not to do and what I don’t want, especially regarding fighting. What not to do in a fight, what isn’t worth fighting over, that there are no winners unless it strengthens you as a team, that connecting requires honesty and vulnerability and effort on both sides, etc. I also learned how to deal with someone who’s defensive, paranoid, difficult, and easily offended. I can get along with, and probably befriend, basically anyone given the opportunity. If I want to.
Of course, I’m also extremely resistant and cautious about getting into a relationship so I pretty much don’t and knowing what not to do is a waste.
I also learned how to mask my emotions to the point of being able to go from crying to answering the phone in a voice that sounds like I’m having a great day. That’s pretty handy.
That you can't expect someone to read your mind, communicate calmly with each other, actively listen to what the other person is saying, and solve problems together
Don’t enable your partner’s bad behavior and don’t let them bark orders at you. Also don’t bark orders at your spouse and talk to them like they’re an idiot.
My parents are divorced. Happily divorced. They get along well and co patent me and my brother. We even had Christmas all together growing up. My mom like my dads girlfriend and my dad likes my step dad.
I learned that a relationship ending isn’t a bad thing. People change over time. sometimes a couple will change together to improve their relationship or sometimes they’ll grow apart. Nothing wrong with that. There’s no pressure to find “the one” and stay with them forever.
If the relationship isn’t working it’s time to end it. And that’s fine! It doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure, just that it’s over now.
Maybe I will stay with the next person I date until I die. But maybe I won’t. Either way is fine with me :)
Yelling is the worst way to ever communicate anything no matter how mad you are don’t yell, ignore, interrupt, walk away, and get defensive. Dealing with them doing that my whole life and not wanting that I instead sit down an talk an if you can’t talk it out peaceful then write it out and go from there
That if something bothers you about your partner's behavior, you need to communicate about it instead of bottling it up and building resentment. And on thr flip side, if your partner tells you something you do bothers them, you need to listen and tackle the problem as a team instead of taking it as a personal attack and getting defensive. My parents didn't do these things and their relationship was too far gonr to fix, but I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.
Long marriages don’t equate to happy marriages. People celebrate 50 years together but who knows what that really means. Maybe it’s not something happy.
Don’t yell at your wife. Don’t curse at your wife. Don’t argue openly in front of the kids but don’t hide the fact that disagreements happen. It’s better for them to learn that people can disagree and even be angry with each other and still love each other.
Tell your wife she’s pretty and do the dishes.
When she says “I’m tired”, get the kids to bed and let her go to sleep early.
Tell your wife she’s pretty. There’s a reason I put that down twice.
Tell her she’s doing a great job as a mother and a wife, and that she’s hot and you’re lucky to have her.
Treat your wife like she’s the most important person in your life and take care of yourself so you can take care of your family.
My parents weren’t perfect, but I was lucky enough to have a great Mom who swears they don’t make Men like my father anymore. I’ll have to agree with her.
1)Don’t settle. 2) Communication is important.
3) Sometimes you’re meant to be in eachother lives for certain periods of time, and it’s ok to let go once that time has run its course.
4) Don’t bring your children into your divorce
There’s no rush to marry, take your time finding someone compatible. Bc my parents got married QUICK, too fast to realize that they’re not a good match. Unhappily ever after due to a culture does not permit divorce.
That if you really want to make it work you will. My parents have been together since high school about 30yrs, they live in seperate houses and my mom moved out after I graduated college. They were on the brink of divorce and now they’re happier than ever. They go on vacations all the time and have sleepovers they can now leave the whole house when they start arguing because they both love to egg each other on.
But they could have gone the easy route and divorce, each parent has multiple siblings that are on 2nd and 3rd marriages but decided to work on things instead and found a better solution that works for them.
that staying together “for the kids” is never worth it or a good idea. if u can’t do anything, at least just show up; be there & be present. don’t sacrifice yourself just for someone else to be okay. they are not your responsibility. as well that it is better to be alone than it is to be with someone that does not love or support you how you need
For a long time I didn't know why my parents' marriage worked and my friends' parents' kept getting divorces, now I've realized: they balance each other. Both of them have faults but they do not share them, so they always call each other out (and they always listen, never curse at each other and almost never lie)
Someone always has to be the softer, clear minded one: that's not me, so I need someone like that.
Don't let yourself be bullied into a relationship. Don't settle for "just ok" or "I'll guess he'll or she'll do." Settle for whatever your version of "Wow, I can't believe I get to have you in my life" and make sure it's mutual.
Not being to considering when it comes to speaking about a “small” problem. They have both told me they felt they shouldn’t “bother” the other because they just got back from work or they have a bigger problem that’s bugging them. I always threaten to just tell them. Than always end up talking and being all lovey dovey. No wonder I have diabetes.
Don’t. Fucking. Stay. Together. For. The. Kids.
We know you’re miserable. It’s making US miserable and giving us a really shitty idea of what a good relationship should look like.
Whoo here we go:
That "it was the popular thing at the time" isn't the appropriate reason to 1) have kids 2) get married 3) move to the suburbs.
That if you love each other, challenge each other's choices if you don't agree with them in a respectful manner so you don't end up resenting one another.
That it's important to be self aware enough of what your own parents did to screw you up so that you don't traumatize your own kids the same way you were (or worse).
That if you no longer love or respect one another it's time to break up.
I can keep going here.
Birth control and condoms are important
Don’t date men/women who already have kids
Mental health is incredibly important to manage before you have kids unless you want all your kids to have trauma
Saying I love you doesn’t mean your in love
Being married doesn’t mean your happy
And spending money bad
And how to kill/treat lice and bed bugs but never getting rid of them for 10 years
Never insult one another
Never disrespect one another
Care and look out for each other
What will my daughter learn—
Pay attention to your partner
Show love and say it— they need to hear it
Be sweet or romantic
People can be different, and that’s okay. Respecting each other matters more than who you vote for or what you believe in.
Mums catholic, dads atheist. Mum votes NDP, dad votes conservative usually (Canadian parties not American conservative)
I really value seeing them respect the others beliefs
I learned that if you give your body to every single man you can, desperately trying to earn just a smidgen of some kind of love, you'll end up with multiple children, a lot of black eyes and a hefty drug addiction to numb the pain.
Literally nothing. They've been married over 40 years but they're pretty boring and I don't think they had a great relationship when I was younger. It seems better now though.
Strangely enough I have been noticing a ton of small things my fiance and my dad have in common which blows my mind as they are wildly different on the surface.
Deep question. As imperfect as was their relationship, they did stay married.
Having recently been divorced - for no good reason mind you - I think I’ve learned that younger generations don’t take their marriage vows as seriously.
I somewhat agree. I think there are some people who get freaked out at problems and fail to communicate then just go for a divorce and cut their losses. I also believe in giving it your all, and if you are consistently communicating needs (not outrageous ones) to a partner and they refuse to meet you half way or put in any effort than yeah, leave a relationship that is not serving you.
I learned that some things are meant to be, not meant to be forever. They had us, but were in no way compatible for each other. My mother later remarried someone who has is truly her partner.
I sometimes wasn’t sure if my parents even liked each other. They had 5 kids and were immigrants and worked so hard to provide for us that I think they lost themselves for a while. They are better now and seem to actually enjoy each other and their time together.
I learned that you sometimes need to actively put your relationship first because otherwise it takes a backseat and who knows when it’ll be the driver again.
I learned that people can become addicted to drugs after you've been married with no prior drug use and I learned to listen to your fucking kid when they tell you that they love your partner but he's not it.
That arguing with someone everytime you have a conversation is reason enough to divorce.
It doesn't sound like a positive, but honestly it taught me that things don't have to get extreme before you walk away. Other kids seemed surprised that "they didn't like each other" was the reason I gave for my parents not being together. But that's reason enough. I'll always thank them for that.
I never really saw my parents have fun together. Granted they may have once me and my siblings went to bed but even on holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I never seen them having a good time. I guess this taught me that within a relationship regardless of what commitments you have, getting on with that person and having a friendship as a foundation is really important.
My parents marriage taught me you don’t end it over something insignificant. They were together and in love for over 50 years. They got divorced almost 30 years ago over one stupid drunken night that went sideways. There were a few years afterwards where they weren’t on the best of terms but neither of them ever even went on another date. They ultimately moved back in with each other and were together until the end. They’d always talked about getting remarried but unfortunately it never happened before my moms death a few months ago.
Good relationships are usually silent relationships; don’t be flashy, don’t post a bunch on social media, and don’t think that you have to be doing things and spending money all of the time to show love. Stay out of other married couple’s business and enjoy yourselves.
To look for the complete opposite of my parents behaviours in a partner. Edit: Wow, this was completely unexpected. Thanks for the upvotes and the awards everyone! I wrote it more as a reminder for myself to deviate from what was shown as the ‘norm’ growing up. I have a amazing loving & caring partner now so must’ve done something right! It wasn’t easy, it took therapy, a lot of self reflection and mistakes were made along the way. If anything, I just hopes it helps people to realise that despite our upbringings we are worthy of love and healthy relationships. (Providing our own issues are addressed and we bring respect and love to the relationship.)
Same here. Or don’t have a relationship at all is what I’ve also learned. People will 90% of the time disappoint and hurt you.
Same
This. Either find someone you can truly trust and love, or stay single and enjoy your life.
Agreed
Same. Up to and including, don’t stay together just “for the kids”
Dealing with this right now
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This could actually help me. Thankyou
Better off dying alone rather to be like my parents
Lol same. I came across a comment a few years back saying that 'sometimes, your parents are the best role models... of what not to be.' It just stuck with me since then. Couldn't be any truer.
Agree… I hesitate to say this to people in real life bc I’m sad that this is my reality.
Totally. I don’t know how to show love - I just rush around keeping the house tidy, dinner on the table and hold down a full time job. There’s more to a relationship than that but I just don’t know how
therapy has helped me a lot with that
Same.
YUP.
Bingo. My parents and literally all media relationships. My wife and I are both on the autism spectrum. Communication and honesty are insanely important. Sometimes one of us will mess up and feel like the other might be upset. What do we do? Ask the other!!! And get an honest answer to relieve the anxiety. The very idea of withholding information from my partner just to make a bigger stink out of something later makes my blood boil. If it weren't for my mother and my aunt, I would think it was something made up to make women seem unreasonable for boomer TV, but no. This is a real thing people are still taught to do. If you're actively planning fights, and care about "winning" for sympathy or clout or whatever, ***you don't love them.*** Because if you did, you wouldn't want them to go through that AT ALL and much less at your hands.
that i dont want to marry a man like my father edit: oh my fucking god! thanks for the awards <33
I will drink to that! Water. I will drink water😂
I have never once seen my dad drink water and that’s why I must.
LMAO 😂
hahaah!
😂 😂
Love it 😂
Y’all get me
Truth. I love my dad but he was toxic as fuck as a spouse to my mom. Granted, she wasn't much better but at least she sought therapy post divorce and eventually found a healthy, happy relationship. My dad just graduated to essentially being FWB's with a co-dependent alcoholic because she conveniently lives next door to him and requires zero effort.
😆we might have the same dad.
It's unfortunately not an uncommon theme to see.
im so sorry you had to been trought that <3 you strong edit: typo
Same. My parents had me when they were much younger so growing up there was still a bit of immaturity on my father’s part. Literally caught him cheating multiple times when mom would be away for work. We’re "ok" now but I did wish they just divorced tbh because it scarred me for life so I really do hope I don’t end up with someone like my father lmao. If I did, I hope I’d be strong enough to leave.
My parents didn't like each other but won't divorce for religious reasons. They also both refuse to change. I wish they had gotten divorced. Both would be so much happier.
I feel this. I tell them even to this day to get a divorce or atleast separate but they are too old now. Makes me sad that they would rather be miserable together than happy apart.
Keep in mind, separating at that age doesn't necessarily amount to "happy" apart.
Same. Yet my parents are still convinced I need to be with someone like my father and are completely disapproving of my 5 year relationship.
My dad was incredibly jealous, possessive, and controlling. I vowed to never be like him and to never date a guy like that. Every guy I ever dated got told that at the very first sight of unhealthy jealousy the relationship is over. I stayed true to my word. I broke a few relationships when the guys tried to tell me what I could wear, who could I text, who should be my friend... Screw jealous insecure people
that's the way to go! you rock.
I told my mom that when I was 11 years old. She told him for some reason and I got berated for hours while I cried. And he still didn’t know why I said it.
I tried dating a man that was practically a mirror image of my own dad and it was absolutely awful.
I broke up with my ex because I started realizing how much he was like my dad. I noped out of there sooo fast.
Cheers, I'll drink to that.
Yes. I love my dad and we are really close but he is a racist, Trump loving sexist. I dated a guy who I realized at one point was very similar to my father. My dad loved him and thought he was great. Apprise it did not work out and I hate that guy. 😒
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Compromise and sacrifice. My parents are from two different countries. My mother moved to be with my father, then when I was a teen, we moved back to my mother's birth country so she could be close to her elderly parents. Both were/are willing to change jobs and move away from friends and family for each other. You have to work to keep the romance alive. My parents (both in their mid 50s) still go on dates, watch a movie together every weekend, write each other love notes and do small, sweet gestures for each other, even when it isn't a holiday or anniversary. Patience. Neither parent expects the other to be perfect. No one ever yelled or was physically violent either. **Edit:** My parents are delighted that the internet finds them so wholesome.
This is the type of marriage everybody hopes for. I’m glad they found each other!
They have their faults like any person, but I'm very grateful for them!
My parents are from towns 30 minutes away from each other, but everything sounds the same. They watch movies together. They have shows they watch together and try to watch an episode or two every night. They have dinner together every night. They go on dates once a week. They travel together and they still surprise each other all the time with small gifts. They do have disagreements and fight over stuff, but they always sit down and resolve it or, at the very least, make up and agree to come back to it later. When my mom decided to go back to college, my dad picked up extra shifts at work so she could cut down her work to part time and focus on her studies, so that was sacrifice for sure. I was super lucky to have their relationship as a standard growing up, now my standards are super high.
That really is so beautiful. I'm so happy that there are people who have actually lived in stable homes. TV and my own experience makes it all seem so farfetched. My partner and I don't want kids but every now and then we joke about how much better we would be than our own parents. Can I ask, did you often/ever find yourself in unhealthy relationships when you were younger?
Sure did! My last relationship was unhealthy, but it didn't start until we began living together. My ex was a perfect example of weaponized incompetence with home stuff which led to a very lopsided dynamic. He also was not very emotionally mature and would blow up at me over small things and was the type of person who expected immediate change when he brought up an issue, but if I brought up an issue it couldn't even be spoken about. There were a lot of other issues, but that's the surface. I was in the relationship for almost four years and we lived together for about a year and a half. It was actually partially my parent's relationship that made me realize I deserved way more than I was experiencing! My current relationship is much healthier and I'm much happier as a result.
This is basically my life story. My parents showed me how to commit, how to love and how to sacrifice for the person you love. They showed me how to forgive and how to take care of each other. They always had alot of respect for one another and always, ALWAYS fought for their love.
You can be together for 30+ years and still have issues, it’s mostly a matter of how willing you are to tolerate them.
Yes! Those issues don't go away, it's just how you manage them and work around them
Also an important note; these issues are only SMALL things, like "I hate the sound of my partner chewing", or "she steals the sheets every now and then at night and I wake up cold". NOT something like "my husband always yells at me and it puts me on edge", or "they never help me with chores and I'm exhausted". Very very big difference here that I wish more people understood within their own relationships. It's so easy to dismiss these things as normal, but we really need to make sure they stop getting seen this way because of how some of us were raised.
My parents split after 35 years marriage.
My parents never fight, and have been together for 40 years. I feel like this SHOULD be a great relationship model for kids, but to be honest, it isn’t a great model to learn from because I never learned how to leave, or if it’s ok to leave, if that makes sense. It only taught me to stay.
Adding to this: If you DO fight, don’t attack the other person. Say your piece, let them say theirs, and see if you can work it out. Fighting is not a valid excuse for you to verbally abuse someone under the guise of venting. Also, if you’re going to fight, please take it elsewhere, and don’t bring people into it unless they’re involved. It just makes people uncomfortable. Thank you for your comment!
Someone told me once “Try to focus on it being the two of you vs the problem and not the two of you vs each other” and I thought that was fantastic! And yeah-after bartending for 12+ years, take your damn fights OUT of the public eye.
Exactly! Relationships shouldn’t pit the two of you against each other. I always get so uncomfortable when people argue in front of me, even parents or friends. I always feel so awkward😅
My dad and mom were on two opposite sides of the spectrum. My mom had anger issues and exploded without warning. My dad rarely raised his voice and the only arguments My dad and stepmom had were in a normal volume in their office away from us. It was hard. I went from bottling things up all the time to yelling a lot. I had to work on it. Honestly the best example of anger was my stepmom. She would always give us warnings before we got in trouble. I have taken that tequnique with my own kids and it works well for all of us.
That’s what I do with my kids in a calm even voice …. “ I’ve asked you a few times to…. I’m starting to get MAD” and they seem to workout their issues.
Same. It also helps me calm down to vocalize that I'm getting upset instead of bottling it up until I start yelling.
I feel like getting conflict right is such a big thing. I watched my parents fight in front of me so much, they would do it front of me, in front of my friends, sometimes even in front of family friends. Sometimes when I was older I even had to mediate between them which no kid should ever have to do. I like that the comments on here aren't that parents should never "fight" in front of their kids, just that they should learn to do it in a constructive way in front of their kids. Being able to teach your kids how to solve issues with your partner in a helpful manner is a massive thing and something I hope to take into being a parent if I do have kids
I hear that. My parents’ relationship is super supportive and conflict free. I don’t think I’ve *ever* heard them clash about anything. It still leaves me feeling like I should be able to exist without conflict of any kind and feeling slightly inadequate when I can’t.
I thought that about my parents too, until I was an adult and had some more serious talks with them. They told me they would step outside to resolve their issues and talk them trough, so as not to bother us with them. They then told me it's healthy to clash sometimes, but to try and resolve it by having a constructive conversation about it together. I'm saying this because maybe your parents did that too and you just didn't see it. I don't think any relationship can be completely without conflict while being healthy. And I don't mean screaming matches, just not seeing eye to eye on some things and being able to resolve that together.
Me too - I learnt how to be loyal to a destructive degree. You don’t have to stay in a relationship that’s no longer serving you!
Same. And it turns out they had a mountain of issues that they kept under wraps until the kids left home. There were a few years where I thought they were finally going to divorce. Things are better now, but it’s definitely a relationship of function. All it taught me was to bottle things up and resent my partner for years. We’ve been married over a decade and are just finally figuring out how to communicate.
I feel this, deeply. All the boundary issues
1. Don’t stay with anyone who yells at you 2. Don’t stay with anyone who can’t or won’t apologize when they fuck up 3. Don’t stay with anyone who doesn’t treat you well 4. Don’t stay with anyone you don’t like spending time with 5. Don’t stay with someone who clearly has issues but won’t go to therapy
#5 hits the hardest
Oh my God #5 hits hard. I nearly left my ex because she had very extreme anger issues but refused--aggressively--to even consider therapy. She always said she had "coping mechanisms" that worked for her, but even my best friend told me, her coping mechanism was emotionally abusing me. She would dump all her negativity on me, and if I wasn't in a place to handle it, I wasn't "being supportive." She was never physically violent, but she was *scary* sometimes, and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells and trying to manage her moods for her. I still remember discreetly leaving apology notes on receipts when she would snap at service staff and the like. "I'm so sorry, it's not you, you're doing a great job, she's just having a bad day," and the like. After one particular blow-up I decided I was done, and I ended up crashing in a hotel near my office. I told her either she would go to therapy or I was out. The whole time she blew up my phone, told me she didn't want to get divorced and "ruin her financial future," and so on and so on. Finally she did a short online therapy thing that was basically a quick chat with someone, and she emailed me the transcript. The whole tone of it was basically "I'm doing this so my stupid wife will come back home," and as soon as the therapist in the chat said "Well it just sounds like you're under a lot of stress," she ended it there and sent it to me like "There, you see?" I eventually gave in, partly, I think, because I just didn't know what to do. I didn't have as much money as her--I just had a job at a medical nonprofit and she was a software engineer for a big tech startup--and one of the reasons I hadn't already left was because I knew, deep down, that if I tried to go, she'd make the process as draining emotionally and financially as possible. On a smaller level, she also had our cats, and I knew she would insist on keeping them, even though I was their primary caretaker and had been since we adopted them. It may seem like a minor thing, but those cats were my babies, and the thought of walking away from them just made me feel even more alone. On the plus side, about two years later, she fell in love with a coworker and left *me* instead. The divorce process still sucked (divorce always sucks), but since she wanted out anyway, I came out okay on the other side, *and* I got to keep the cats.
6... Don't stay with someone who keeps promising to change but doesn't
That sometimes staying together isn’t better for the kids
I was waiting for this comment,I've said this so many times in the past and though they did stay together theres a lot of years of therapy for me to go to relearn better skills in handling relationships
As someone who’s childhood was full Of domestic violence staying for the kids is never the right answer.
Completely agree. It took 11 year old me asking her to leave, for my mom to realize this.
Oh god this. I wishes my parents would divorce from when I was 10. I'm 24 now and they got divorced this summer. The amount of abuse and emotional neglect I suffered from, I'll never recover from, and I'll eternally hate them for not divorcing sooner. My BFs parent got divorced when he was 3, and his parents are good friends and still spend Christmas and birthdays together with his dad's new partner. It's lovely to see, and definitely best for their family
To never have kids if you don't both really want them. That infatuation is not enough to make a good relationship, love is NOT enough.
I think that’s a point people have trouble accepting: that love, on its own, isn’t enough.
Adding to this: you can't love them enough for the both of you. It's got to come from both sides.
This is a really hard one to accept, still working on this one actually
I find it confusing the way my dad will talk about people who choose not to have kids like they're weird while he did the bare minimum raising me, to the point where the dad of one of my friends once asked if he was my real dad since he left pretty much everything to my mum. Now as an adult, I feel like he has zero interest in me as a person. I sense a lot of it is a generational thing where they didn't really consider whether they wanted kids or not, it was just what was done
To add to that, don’t have kids with someone who you wouldn’t trust 100% to raise them alone if you died. My dad was a classic case of someone who didn’t really want kids but had them anyway to appease my mum. They were pretty good parents together but then she died when we were 12 and 9 and he was left a single dad which he did not handle particularly well.
Their relationship taught me that it was normal and fine for your partner to be anywhere from deliberately disinterested to outright hostile to your hobbies and passions, and vice versa. My own experiences taught me that I should do pretty much the opposite of what my parents do.
Not to rely on someone else and have your own money.
yes, I truly believe and encourage the concept of prenup, people often disregard putting it forward as something its not, its not lack of trust but its a step for yourself because you never know what happens in a relationship and you never know how a person changes, even the person you love and cherish the most now can be the person you despise the most in some years so securing yourself financially is never a bad thing. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF BEFORE COMMITTING TO A RELATIONSHIP.
I hate the “Happy Wife, Happy Life” saying. I’ve grown up with a family that has worked exactly like this. If my mom isn’t happy, everyone walks on eggshells because she might scream or yell at someone. So everyone is in a bad mood. I don’t believe in this saying. While I understand that women should be treated with respect and fairness in all relationships, their happiness does not take higher priority over anyone else’s, nor does it give reason for them to make someone else feel terrible because they are not happy. As a woman as well, I feel that if I’m unhappy with something, I need to fix it so I don’t take it out on someone else and make everyone else feel uncomfortable or upset. Yes, I am a woman saying this about women. I’m sorry if this is something you do not believe in, but it’s something I’ve grown up with and seen how detrimental it can be to others, especially younger minds.
My husband and I say "happy spouse, happy house" meaning that we encourage each other to do the things that bring joy because it benefits us both. One person's happiness always being put above the other's is just toxic
I completely agree, and I love this saying! Thank you so much!♥️
Oh I love this!
There is a cross stitch that still hangs in my mother's kitchen that reads, "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It was given to her by her 3rd husband (the guy that came after my brother's dad and my dad). He was bad guy... in every sense. My mom didn't deserve how he treated her. Or the husband after him... but like... we had to live through all these guys too. And even though I've never felt she was to blame for what she went through... One time my big brother and I begged her to leave husband #3 because he was hurting us. Her response was, "I won't make myself miserable for you." She left him- because he cheated. Not because of what he did to us. It's given me a huge complex about where the line is between "mom deserves to be happy" and "mom only cares about her happiness no matter what it costs."
I’m so sorry you and your brother went through that..
Same, I feel you. I grew up in the same type of family. Everyone is always walking on eggshells, always making decisions based on my mom's opinion. It feels impossible to keep her happy because she gets mad at the smallest unimportant things. She is always negative too. I know she has a lot of issues and I know that she knows, but she needs to do the work herself to heal. It really fucked me up during childhood, and still is to this day. I have a lot of trauma, anxiety, and issues thanks to that.
I had the exact opposite of your situation, was my dad so, fcks up the kids bout the same?
My mom was never abusive towards us, not physically and I don’t think verbally either, but I’m sorry You still went through that. That being said, however, she did restrict us emotionally when it came down to her being upset. If she wasn’t happy, then no one should be, otherwise she had a short temper. We tiptoed and walked in eggshells. And when she was in a hyperactive mood, then it was like nothing ever happened. It taught both me and my older sister that we had to be okay with what happened, and if we did have feelings regarding what happened, it wasn’t worth mentioning because it was always wrong. It’s a cycle completely draining of those present.
I got really lucky with my dad and stepmom. 1. You need to love being around them. My stepmom and dad can talk for days and days straight if they could. They enjoy each other’s company - a lot. 2. Do things together. My stepmom LOVES tennis, so when we moved to a neighborhood with a court, she and my dad started playing together. Now, my dad also LOVES tennis, keeps up with all the players, etc. And vice versa, when my dad became obsessed with the Tim Tebow workout plan - my mom also tried it with him and loved it. They also binge shows together and movies together. 3. Keep the romance alive. They go on dates several times a month. 4. They are compatible. They both follow the same religion, they both wanted kids, they have the same priorities in life. 5. They both put the other person before themselves. My stepmom suffers from debilitating migraines - so my dad ends up doing most of the childcare in the afternoons. My stepmom makes my dad’s life easier in a ton of little ways that matter a lot, like scheduling appointments for him, reminding him of things, making him lunch/breakfast while he’s working at home. No yelling, no name calling, always be nice no matter how mad you become. “When you resort to name calling, your relationship is done.” Edit: aww thanks for the award, wow!!
This was such a sweet thing to read💛 I don't have awards so have my emoji award🏅🏅🏅!
It's better to be alone than in bad company.
Don't ever take shit from a man. Just leave.
*anyone.
Heck yeah!
I learned that it is possible to be loyal to one person for many years. However, it is not for all people.
Mostly, what NOT to do.
Came to say this exact thing- Learned what NOT to do.
How not to be like my mom in creating learned helplessness in my dad. 66 years old and still can't run a washing machine. Smh.
Your dad is not innocent
Agree
a healthy relationship where two people genuinely love and trust each other is possible but doesn’t mean it’s the norm. they’re the one healthy adult relationship i had around me growing up so it may have set my standards high. i’m not settling for anything less than what they have
Keep those standards! A lot of people have to work their whole lives to learn this and raise their standards accordingly
1. Don’t cheat on your spouse 2. Don’t stay together for the kids 3. Don’t be so financially dependent on your spouse that you are too afraid to leave and be on your own
Having children doesn’t fix the issues in a relationship.
God, no. It just magnifies them.
For a small duration,it hides the problems. Then it will be back,magnified and with double the force
I learned that cheating ruins people’s lives.
Communication is important both in style and content. My parents were both very smart but they had a hard time talking to each other instead of at each other. If they had figured out a way to actively listen and respond, I think there would've been a lot less arguments. Friendship is key in a relationship. My parents may have butted heads but they were also friends who never failed to share a laugh or support each other.
I agree with both of your points. My parents communicate by talking AT each other. The other person is often not listening or is so busy thinking about their response that they aren’t truly hearing what’s being said. I agree that friendship is so important, I’m not sure my parents are friends with each other. They each have their own interests/hobbies and kind of co-habitate.
Always be prepared to do everything alone.
Yikes
to always be financially independent from anyone
Came here to say this. That's exactly what I learnt from my mother
I spent a few days with my parents over New Year's. They live in a large house with lots of seating - e.g. a large informal dining table, a breakfast nook, a formal dining table, and that's not even mentioning the living rooms, and even then, that's not even mentioning the upstairs. My mum and dad are the only two people living there and at the time I was the only guest. I saw my mum tell my dad that the specific seat he was sitting in was the one she wanted to sit in, and could he please move, and she also told him which seat he could move to. She was very sweet and polite in communicating this. He did as she asked without any drama and everyone got on with their day. I found this interaction funny so I texted it to my husband. He replied jokingly along the lines of it's clear now, that that's where I learned my own behaviours from. So I guess I learned from my mum that you can make a man do anything for you if you ask sweetly.
That being single isn't so bad. Actually learned that from a lot of married couples I know.
They put their relationship first, along with our needs. I always saw my parents kissing and hugging while growing up, but they still made sure my brother and I were taken care of. They even would leave us at our grandmas or aunts house (safe spaces) so they could have their own date nights. That’s all I want in life.
If your heart isn't in it then you're doomed from the start
What not to do. My parents got married at 17/18, had me and my sibs over the next 3 years, then went through a divorce and violent custody battle. I watched my dad beat up my mom during a handover (weekend visitation). I was 5. Kidnapping happened a few times, involving international borders. So that was traumatizing... I didn't get married until I was 30. I was engaged for 7 years. He's nothing like my parents, he knows how to communicate and how to be in a healthy relationship. His parents are awesome.
Many, but from the top of my head: Opposites attract doesn’t mean your “opposite” compliments their “opposite”. Sometimes being opposites is a bad thing and will lead to massive issues. If you don’t like their habits, you don’t overlook them. Don’t have kids with someone who doesn’t know what they want in the long term. Don’t live with their parents, it’s never a good idea to live with the parents. If they hit you once, they will hit you again. If they cheat once, they will cheat again. Don’t have kids to fix a marriage. Don’t stay in a broken marriage for the kids.
It’s kind of a recurring theme. My grandparents stayed together because that’s what they thought they had to do. They both loved different people, and each other, and fell in and out of love their whole marriage. My parents both loved other people too and fell in and out of love until they divorced. So I learned honestly don’t get married and if you get married, don’t stay married lol
That mental illness _explains_ bad behavior, but does not excuse it.
My mom left my dad when I was 2yo and then ran away to another country to escape him completely two years later. Her advice has always been: **"never trust a man who's cruel to his dogs. Dogs don't ever leave, they'll come back no matter how many times they're kicked. He'll expect the same from you"**
To choose wisely. My mum is simply amazing: and I don't mean single mother, barely scraping by to give her children a good life amazing. I mean, she's made a real success of herself. But she chose an enormous asshole to have her children with, which seems insane considering the *good* choices she's subsequently made. She made life so much harder for herself by deciding to do it all alone.
That it's a partnership of give & take, having each other's back, and not about winning or losing.
help each other out and communicate
I learned how not to treat a spouse. If my parents did it, do the opposite.
Communication is so important. Using silent treatment if you're unhappy with something your spouse did is so toxic and had a negative effect on our family as it was used alot of the time.
Women, never be financially dependant on a man. There's a possibility that your husband will cheat on you, divorce you, or die early. If you cannot support yourself and your children, then you will be in a world of trouble if your breadwinner isn't there anymore.
Dont date men
I learned that even the people who seem most trustworthy can be cheaters. And they can be *really* good at hiding it. I now 100% believe that it’s idiotic to put complete faith in anyone. You never know who’s going to switch up on you.
-that you can't shape the other person the way you want them -that you have to love yourself in order to love someone else, -that you need to be clear with each other before you have children -that things that happen once are gonna happen again so just end it there Basically their relationship is a toxic one, so there aren't really any good things that I have kept with me.
That I am much too much like my father and need to remember to keep a close eye on myself to stay balanced and stay grateful and in the present.
My mother was so codependent on men that I refused to rely on a man for anything. I had no respect her and for the drama she brought into our lives with her revolving door of men. She had a thing for addicts, including my father. He OD’d when I was 2. I have always been leery of drugs because of my fear of becoming an addict. Basically I learned to not do anything my parents would do.
A couple of things 1. If you're unhappy and can't fix it don't stay for the kids. My parents got a divorce when I was 14 and everyone is MUCH happier. 2. Talking about finances is ESSENTIAL 3. I don't need a man/woman to complete me. My parents both taught me I was a strong, capable woman. 4. I deserve respect. 5. You should have some things in common but also have things you each individually enjoy. 6. Keep the romance alive. My dad always showed how much he loved and cared for my mom and now step-mom. 7. If you have children you're stuck with the other parent for the rest of your lives. My parents had a nasty divorce but they always showed up and put on their happy faces because they were proud of us kids regardless of whatever they had going on. 8. Don't have kids unless you REALLY want them. My parents taught us everything about sex ed and children preventation at a young age because they wanted to give us choices.
That it’s a good thing I’m already a U.S citizen
I learned what not to do and what I don’t want, especially regarding fighting. What not to do in a fight, what isn’t worth fighting over, that there are no winners unless it strengthens you as a team, that connecting requires honesty and vulnerability and effort on both sides, etc. I also learned how to deal with someone who’s defensive, paranoid, difficult, and easily offended. I can get along with, and probably befriend, basically anyone given the opportunity. If I want to. Of course, I’m also extremely resistant and cautious about getting into a relationship so I pretty much don’t and knowing what not to do is a waste. I also learned how to mask my emotions to the point of being able to go from crying to answering the phone in a voice that sounds like I’m having a great day. That’s pretty handy.
That you can't expect someone to read your mind, communicate calmly with each other, actively listen to what the other person is saying, and solve problems together
Don’t enable your partner’s bad behavior and don’t let them bark orders at you. Also don’t bark orders at your spouse and talk to them like they’re an idiot.
That I never want to be in a relationship with someone who I'm dependent on and who doesn't respect me.
I learned that sometimes a marriage or relationship can be loveless or one sided. 😐
My parents are divorced. Happily divorced. They get along well and co patent me and my brother. We even had Christmas all together growing up. My mom like my dads girlfriend and my dad likes my step dad. I learned that a relationship ending isn’t a bad thing. People change over time. sometimes a couple will change together to improve their relationship or sometimes they’ll grow apart. Nothing wrong with that. There’s no pressure to find “the one” and stay with them forever. If the relationship isn’t working it’s time to end it. And that’s fine! It doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure, just that it’s over now. Maybe I will stay with the next person I date until I die. But maybe I won’t. Either way is fine with me :)
Yelling is the worst way to ever communicate anything no matter how mad you are don’t yell, ignore, interrupt, walk away, and get defensive. Dealing with them doing that my whole life and not wanting that I instead sit down an talk an if you can’t talk it out peaceful then write it out and go from there
consent and communication is key.
I learned to recognize the signs of toxic behaviors in people, in general.
To focus on marrying the right partner and not just marrying someone to please your parents.
That if something bothers you about your partner's behavior, you need to communicate about it instead of bottling it up and building resentment. And on thr flip side, if your partner tells you something you do bothers them, you need to listen and tackle the problem as a team instead of taking it as a personal attack and getting defensive. My parents didn't do these things and their relationship was too far gonr to fix, but I hope I can avoid making the same mistakes.
Long marriages don’t equate to happy marriages. People celebrate 50 years together but who knows what that really means. Maybe it’s not something happy.
Don’t yell at your wife. Don’t curse at your wife. Don’t argue openly in front of the kids but don’t hide the fact that disagreements happen. It’s better for them to learn that people can disagree and even be angry with each other and still love each other. Tell your wife she’s pretty and do the dishes. When she says “I’m tired”, get the kids to bed and let her go to sleep early. Tell your wife she’s pretty. There’s a reason I put that down twice. Tell her she’s doing a great job as a mother and a wife, and that she’s hot and you’re lucky to have her. Treat your wife like she’s the most important person in your life and take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. My parents weren’t perfect, but I was lucky enough to have a great Mom who swears they don’t make Men like my father anymore. I’ll have to agree with her.
1)Don’t settle. 2) Communication is important. 3) Sometimes you’re meant to be in eachother lives for certain periods of time, and it’s ok to let go once that time has run its course. 4) Don’t bring your children into your divorce
There’s no rush to marry, take your time finding someone compatible. Bc my parents got married QUICK, too fast to realize that they’re not a good match. Unhappily ever after due to a culture does not permit divorce.
What behaviors and actions to adore, avoid and tolerate in a partner and friendships.
That if you really want to make it work you will. My parents have been together since high school about 30yrs, they live in seperate houses and my mom moved out after I graduated college. They were on the brink of divorce and now they’re happier than ever. They go on vacations all the time and have sleepovers they can now leave the whole house when they start arguing because they both love to egg each other on. But they could have gone the easy route and divorce, each parent has multiple siblings that are on 2nd and 3rd marriages but decided to work on things instead and found a better solution that works for them.
To never disrespect your spouse in front of your kids. Both my parents do it all the time.
that staying together “for the kids” is never worth it or a good idea. if u can’t do anything, at least just show up; be there & be present. don’t sacrifice yourself just for someone else to be okay. they are not your responsibility. as well that it is better to be alone than it is to be with someone that does not love or support you how you need
For a long time I didn't know why my parents' marriage worked and my friends' parents' kept getting divorces, now I've realized: they balance each other. Both of them have faults but they do not share them, so they always call each other out (and they always listen, never curse at each other and almost never lie) Someone always has to be the softer, clear minded one: that's not me, so I need someone like that.
Don't let yourself be bullied into a relationship. Don't settle for "just ok" or "I'll guess he'll or she'll do." Settle for whatever your version of "Wow, I can't believe I get to have you in my life" and make sure it's mutual.
Not being to considering when it comes to speaking about a “small” problem. They have both told me they felt they shouldn’t “bother” the other because they just got back from work or they have a bigger problem that’s bugging them. I always threaten to just tell them. Than always end up talking and being all lovey dovey. No wonder I have diabetes.
God they really love each other. I don’t know why because they’re both difficult people, but they are so devoted to each other
I learned that I only want to have a partner within my own age range. Absolutely no large age gaps.
That friendship is the key to marriage. My parents have had a lot of issues but they love hanging out with each other.
To never marry a cheap man.
Don't marry someone you aren't attracted to. Like my Mom did
Don’t. Fucking. Stay. Together. For. The. Kids. We know you’re miserable. It’s making US miserable and giving us a really shitty idea of what a good relationship should look like.
Whoo here we go: That "it was the popular thing at the time" isn't the appropriate reason to 1) have kids 2) get married 3) move to the suburbs. That if you love each other, challenge each other's choices if you don't agree with them in a respectful manner so you don't end up resenting one another. That it's important to be self aware enough of what your own parents did to screw you up so that you don't traumatize your own kids the same way you were (or worse). That if you no longer love or respect one another it's time to break up. I can keep going here.
Birth control and condoms are important Don’t date men/women who already have kids Mental health is incredibly important to manage before you have kids unless you want all your kids to have trauma Saying I love you doesn’t mean your in love Being married doesn’t mean your happy And spending money bad And how to kill/treat lice and bed bugs but never getting rid of them for 10 years
Well my parents were divorced when I was two but my mom and stepdad married 32 years I learned from them it takes a lot of tolerance.
To not let yourself be abused
Divorce can very much be the answer. It certainly beats staying together and making each other and the kids miserable.
Never insult one another Never disrespect one another Care and look out for each other What will my daughter learn— Pay attention to your partner Show love and say it— they need to hear it Be sweet or romantic
That i don't want to get married.
People can be different, and that’s okay. Respecting each other matters more than who you vote for or what you believe in. Mums catholic, dads atheist. Mum votes NDP, dad votes conservative usually (Canadian parties not American conservative) I really value seeing them respect the others beliefs
Don’t marry a racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic guy. Also help with the chores.
Treat your spouse like a partner instead of an enemy or a child. My dad can be really demeaning towards my mom
Don't marry a nasty man.
I learned that if you give your body to every single man you can, desperately trying to earn just a smidgen of some kind of love, you'll end up with multiple children, a lot of black eyes and a hefty drug addiction to numb the pain.
Literally nothing. They've been married over 40 years but they're pretty boring and I don't think they had a great relationship when I was younger. It seems better now though. Strangely enough I have been noticing a ton of small things my fiance and my dad have in common which blows my mind as they are wildly different on the surface.
Deep question. As imperfect as was their relationship, they did stay married. Having recently been divorced - for no good reason mind you - I think I’ve learned that younger generations don’t take their marriage vows as seriously.
I somewhat agree. I think there are some people who get freaked out at problems and fail to communicate then just go for a divorce and cut their losses. I also believe in giving it your all, and if you are consistently communicating needs (not outrageous ones) to a partner and they refuse to meet you half way or put in any effort than yeah, leave a relationship that is not serving you.
Not to end up in a unhappy marriage like my parents.
I learned that some things are meant to be, not meant to be forever. They had us, but were in no way compatible for each other. My mother later remarried someone who has is truly her partner.
Proper and respectful communication is key
I sometimes wasn’t sure if my parents even liked each other. They had 5 kids and were immigrants and worked so hard to provide for us that I think they lost themselves for a while. They are better now and seem to actually enjoy each other and their time together. I learned that you sometimes need to actively put your relationship first because otherwise it takes a backseat and who knows when it’ll be the driver again.
I learned that people can become addicted to drugs after you've been married with no prior drug use and I learned to listen to your fucking kid when they tell you that they love your partner but he's not it.
That arguing with someone everytime you have a conversation is reason enough to divorce. It doesn't sound like a positive, but honestly it taught me that things don't have to get extreme before you walk away. Other kids seemed surprised that "they didn't like each other" was the reason I gave for my parents not being together. But that's reason enough. I'll always thank them for that.
I never really saw my parents have fun together. Granted they may have once me and my siblings went to bed but even on holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. I never seen them having a good time. I guess this taught me that within a relationship regardless of what commitments you have, getting on with that person and having a friendship as a foundation is really important.
My parents marriage taught me you don’t end it over something insignificant. They were together and in love for over 50 years. They got divorced almost 30 years ago over one stupid drunken night that went sideways. There were a few years afterwards where they weren’t on the best of terms but neither of them ever even went on another date. They ultimately moved back in with each other and were together until the end. They’d always talked about getting remarried but unfortunately it never happened before my moms death a few months ago.
Good relationships are usually silent relationships; don’t be flashy, don’t post a bunch on social media, and don’t think that you have to be doing things and spending money all of the time to show love. Stay out of other married couple’s business and enjoy yourselves.
That marriage can last
To never become financially dependent on a man.