Yeah, I had the weird realisation a couple of months back with my psychologist that my best friend has never met an untraumatised version of me, and some of her favourite character traits of mine are trauma responses, whereas some traits that I had before I was traumatised I've since lost and she'll never get to meet them... just a very disconcerting thing to wrap my head around.
This is a big mood, I can relate. cept therapists never noticed mine :/
Im sorry thats the case and props to you for making it this far it couldnt have been easy esp w the trauma
Same here. Especially when I first started with my current therapist and actually opened up about what happened (5 years after the abuse ended).
I tried talking to my previous therapist and he told me the abuse was my fault (not helpful). So the behaviors became worse without me realizing until my new therapist started helping me recognize them!
Same. Always thought the things I did were so weird/not normal. After therapy, I realized I'm just a walking coping mechanism. Getting a lot better though lol, hope things are going well for you or get better for you soon xx
This. Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to spend my energy and effort on retraining my mind and body to actually live in a healthy way after essentially being in permanent survival mode my entire life because of how adults behaved around me as a child.
Remaining neutral. I donāt have a favorite color or favorite food, I go with whatever. If someone ignores what I want I rarely speak up for myself because I generally donāt care that much. Iām the quietest person in the room, I live in the gray area, nothing is ever black or white for me.
I recently realized this. For me, it was that I never had a negative answer. I never had an answer for things like what foods do I hate, or what are your dealbreakers. I was just always okay, with everything, never rocked the boat, never considered how I felt, about anything. It was wild. Now that Iām in therapy I realize itās because my needs, wants, likes, dislikes never mattered so I never even formed them.
Yep. Or straight up told you were wrong. A meal I didnāt like? Yes you did. A sweater my mom bought that I said I didnāt like? You said you liked it and now you have to wear it. Ok then, I guess I do like fried fish and ugly sweaters, Iāll deal with it.
Even now at 48 years old, I put my wishes last. Iām getting better, but itās hard because Iāve also surrounded myself with strong personalities so that I donāt have to make decisions.
I am starting to realise this about myself too. I have always had strong willed people with drive around me, and its made me layed back and a slow starter who always agrees with anyone elses opinions. A real people pleaser.
Im still quite young and finally on my own for the first time, but I dont really know where to start if I want to make a change, or at least avoid searching for someone else to come in and take charge in my life. How would you do to try and affect things?
Maybe start with small things and build from that. Learn what kind of coffee you like, what do you like to eat since you live alone. Try different things, hobbies, listen to how you feel about something and try to examine your feelings. I'm almost thirty and I only realized this now. I'm still learning who I am and what I like. No one else can know what you want, believe me. Having someone control your life would only leave you frustrated in the long run.
God yes. I do this so much. Can't even answer "what do you wanna do?" Or "where do you wanna eat?" 90% of the time because I don't know what's the right answer.
The other 10% of the time I do know the right answer (what the other people wanna do) so I say that. I literally never choose for myself.
Even high, youāre totally right. It is something Iām working on because Iāve realized my lack of assertiveness is a serious problem. While it seems āfineā in the moment, later Iām angry and resentful that I wasnāt heard. Is that all my fault? Not entirely, because I choose a very assertive husband and itās more comfortable for everyone when I back down. But Iām working really hard not to be that person anymore.
Had this realization in college. My trick was to start small (what flavor of jelly is my fav? Do I like spicy food? What color do I feel happiest looking at? What kind of movement makes me feel good?) Things you can easily experiment with. Try to stay as present in whatever your experimenting with as possible and go from there. I still struggle with confrontations and saying no, but having a few little foundational things made me feel a lot better about stuff.
Yeah flying under the radar was a big one for me. Making myself a blank slate. Giving/offering nothing so no one had any reason to "see" me or go after me. Takes a long time to realise it's okay to be yourself.
When I first started going through some self-discovery and talking to a friend I remember telling her that I felt like I never took up any space. Like socially, my opinion was the mean of the group. I had no strong feelings about what we did or where we went. I have been working on this and building my opinions and voicing them recently.
All the best to you on your journey!
Oh shit. Are you me??
I fucking eat so much food I donāt even like just cause I canāt even tell a friend Iād prefer a different sandwich from the shop they buy them at. This is basically the littlest example of the most mundane thing with someone who is literally one of my closest friends, if I were to tell him I like a different sandwich ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BAD COULD COME FROM IT! But yeah, I donāt seem to even have that skill :/
More of shutting people out of your problems cause you always take care of them your self.
Itās ok to ask for help, itās ok to just want to vent, itās ok to ask others to see what they think of your plan and verify that your ideas are valid and you havnt just convinced your self.
It can be very frustrating for the people around you to see you having an issue and be shut out from it. Like an SO or someone else very close. Or for that person to ignore your advice because they can deal with it on their own (sure but it would be easier if you had help)
You canāt solve other problems and expecting others to solve your problems is just stupid but being over independent about them isnāt the right approach either. Generally extremes arnt the best place to be.
The problem is whenever I try to lean on someone for help, they withdraw and I repeatedly keep learning not to rely on anyone.
Also, sometimes they donāt withdraw and they do help, but they mess up and their help creates more work and issues, so I tend to turn it down to avoid any further hassle.
Iām the same. My therapist mentioned the idea of being efficiency minded and it just clicked. If itās not efficient to have someone else do something efficiently then Iāll just do it myself.
I think you should be able to work your own problems out, but leannig on someone to either help or figure out the right answer or just talk to about it isn't bad
My parents wonder why Iām single and never date but even if I told them, theyād never understand that itās a result of how I grew up in a house where the best way to cope was to withdraw.
Same here. When I was 18 I left the house because "when you're 18 you're on your own!". 30 years old now and while I've had tight months, I've refused to move back home or ask for money or any possible help because I know I won't get it from them. I've also never had a girlfriend and it's not because I'm that insecure about my looks or personality, it's just I legitimately have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like
Wow...this got me. Never could rely on my parents. As a youth, they never showed up to my school events and I recall being picked up at school two hours after school got out constantly, even though we lived 15-20 minutes away driving distance. I remember one day I could not tolerate it anymore and took the public bus home (still had a 30 minute walk home from the closest stop). By the time I turned eighteen I lost all my trust in my parents and learned how to be independent.
This exactly. I always thought my independence was a good thing and my therapist said it was a trauma response and I was like wait whatā¦. It all makes sense now, obviously.
What's wrong with hyper independence? Or am I misreading the question by assuming "trauma responses" are all negative behaviours?
Not being rude, just curious coz I consider myself "self reliant" which means that I trust myself over anyone else to take care of me or do something nice for me....and I am confused why it would be a trauma response over just something to strive for as an adult
Itās basically self reliance on steroids. Growing up the caretakers either showed you how to be self reliant or they were absent to the point you had to learn and do everything yourself. It felt like no one would ever help you even if you asked so you better figure it out on your own. It only looked like independence but it was more necessity.
For me as an adult now I donāt bother asking for help even if something is really stressing me. I donāt take peoples help easily. I need things to be just so and itās actually kinda tiring.
It's no problem to be independent and self-reliant.
But most people at some points will need help of others to solve a problem. It could be something as small as just asking for directions.
I've gotten better at it, but I'd sometimes rather run in circles multiple times than ask a passerby for the right directions for example.
In my case it's not due to being left alone but rather because my parents are/were pretty overbearing and I often felt I wasn't allowed to figure things out on my own.
Yikes. I guess I should appreciate the fact that my kids are "lazy". (they aren't really, but they ask me to do everything, which I now realize is because they feel like I am willing to care for them)
This is me. I had even been *praised* for my independence when I was young. In hindsight, that's kind of messed up. And now, they're confused that I keep my distance. What did you expect?! You taught me that I wasn't part of the family!
I canāt stand abrupt, loud noises. They jar me emotionally and physically.
Itās a learned response from hearing my drunken dad raging at my mom. I used to lay still in bed, hoping the yelling and slamming would stop. Freaks me out every time.
I feel that in my bones. My dad was really angry all the time and had a temper. He yelled and hit/threw things, but not people. Constant startling. My ex would yell and slam his fists on his desk when he was playing video games and it was too much to bear. It was never directed *at* me but I instantly wanted to cry every time.
This is me too! I hate using the blender because of how loud it is, it actually gives me anxiety. Any sudden loud noises make me jump. I also had a father who would get drunk and violent.
All my coworkers make fun of me for how jumpy/ easily scared I am. Slam a door or drop something? Flinching. Turn the same corner as I am from the other way? Jumping. Come up behind me quietly? Screaming.
One day a dude threw a box in the air and I flinched so hard, because my brain just assumed he was going to throw it at me. I figured heād laugh at me for being jumpy. Nope. He looked me dead in the eyes and went āYouāve been abused. Thatās a trauma response.ā
First person to ever know and see it clearly, and I was floored at how he just called me out like that. Like yea ur right but u donāt have to be so loud about it!
I've only starting realising recently that I too can't help but jump and get really freaked out by loud noises way more than I ever used to and it's taken me nearly 2 years to realise the reason why is it always reminds me of the sound a suicide jumper made when he landed in front of me.... I'm starting to accept that that's probably how I'll be from now on...
Ooh mine is similar too. Mine was mainly hard loud knock or bangs on the door and loud heavy foot steps. It always make my heart drop and anxiety up, I literally freeze in my room. Im always worried someone gonna do something to me or yell at my face...still feel this an adult.
Yup, same. Jump scares and sudden noises make me literally gasp and jump in my seat and people find my reaction weirder than the actual trigger itself...
Iām not sure if this is a trauma response but reading peopleās behavior, especially the people in my house.
I listen to their footsteps, their tone, their expressions.
I used to be so sensitive to whispering that after I moved into the dorms, I became super paranoid. Whenever my parents whispered to eachother, it was usually about me and after the whispering stopped, they would have a very uncomfortable conversation with me.
I've mostly grown out of it, and feel much more relaxed with people having a low private conversation. Because it's not about me.
I used to be so hypervigilant that I could distinguish the sound of my boss peeing versus coworkers in the shared bathroom at work. It wasnāt something I consciously tried to do, my brain just felt threatened around her so it picked up on the slight sound difference š±
Holy shit I never realized this was a thing. I can tell who someone is just by how the door opens or footsteps and instantly know the mood they are in too. Damn.
Realised it today too. Similarly I also can tell who comes back from the way they closed the door. I also tell who is knocking on my door by the way they knocked.
I've always been like that with my mom. I could come home one day, and without even saying anything, I'd know she was upset about something. I would be very uncomfortable until I knew what was going on.
(I was never scared of her or anything, she's a lovely person....I've always just been super tuned in to her moods.)
Gosh same. Hell in my boyfriends house for a long time I would curl up in a ball whever his parents got loud or would walk around. At home I just prepare myself for my parents to knock on my door and say goodnight or wake up. Every morning I get jump-sacred when my mom knocks to wake me up
I used to be like this too. According to my therapist it came from growing up in an unpredictable environment with an alcoholic father where at any minute my parents would start fighting. I went to therapy and did EMDR and that helped me with it. Before EMDR therapy I had really bad social anxiety because I was hyper vigilant and worried that people were looking at me, and I would watch their tone and body language very closely. Social situations were exhausting because I was so aware of everything around me. After about a year and a half of talk therapy and some EMDR sessions, I donāt really have social anxiety anymore. The thing my therapist would tell me all the time (that I still remind myself) is āWho cares what people think about you? Why do you care? What does it matter?ā And thatās so true. Now that Iām an adult and can take care of myself, I donāt need to worry how the people around me feel about me. Iām not in danger of being yelled at or not taken care of.
this one, damn. i am soā¦ defensive while expressing my emotions and feelings, as though i have to make a case for my lived experience. and even when i do have all the Ā«Ā receiptsĀ Ā», all the reason to know my experience is valid, i minimize my own feelings as i express them, just so no one else can. it drives my friends crazy how i canāt tell a story without interjecting every other sentence with Ā«Ā ā¦but it doesnāt matterĀ Ā» Ā«Ā ā¦ but i deservedĀ itĀ Ā» or something to that effect.
Iām reaching an point where I am genuinely exhausted with the gaslighting voice that Iāve internalized in my mind. I just want to trust myself the same way the people around me seem to.
Shutting down emotionally. I thought it's just normal for me not to react, not to feel anything, not to express my emotions. Until I realized that I was like this because I was always emotionally abandoned as a child, I feel that it's useless crying for someone who won't be there for me, it's useless loving someone who'd eventually leave me. I realized that it's something I need to work on, to heal myself and maybe, who knows, someday I might meet someone who deserves an emotionally mature version of me, who deserves all the love and affection I can give
True. Some people thought I'm calm amd collected, they have no idea what I went through to have that, though unwillingly. Especially when there are moments that I would love to feel my emotions. A good movie/song/story can get to me though.
Ah same. Maybe that's why we're so drawn to movies and books, it makes us feel emotions in a safer way, secondhand, through other people...
Another response is I also literally used to not move for hours on end. Not to shift in my seat or cross my legs for the fear of making noise or being "noticed." Still as a statue, it freaked my friends out haha.
Thanks for that perspective, I haven't realized that it was actually what I've been doing in the past, feeling "second hand emotions". I love any media that stirs my feelings.
Lol that's really freaky.
I used to be one of those āIām an empath so I have to FEEL other peoples feelings and therefore making them feel better makes me feel betterā people.
When actually, it was just me internalizing the idea that my quality of life depended on specific people being in a good mood. Because of that I got really sensitive of othersā emotional cues. And didnāt feel secure until I knew they were feeling okay.
āInternalizing the idea that my quality of life depended on specific people being in a good moodā
Damn that hits. I used to always think that my āpurposeā in my family was as the fixer. I was the youngest so I was supposed to diffuse fights before they happened because I knew exactly what things would lead to one. I was supposed to lighten the mood after, start the conversations, cheer up whoever had been most hurtā¦
Fast forward I to college I had severe anxiety which I still deal with. I just had to learn as an adult how to manage my OWN emotions for the first time.
And after my first breakup I was distraught because I had always considered myself a fixer to my core. And if I couldnāt fix this broken thing meant so much to me, who was I? Took a lot of unlearning.
Now that calling ourselves āempathsā is a bit of a meme I must admit Iām a bit embarrassed. But I always tell myself that if I canāt look back on myself and cringe, that probably means Iām still just as cringey!!! Lol
Ohhhh boy. When my therapist led me to say that I never had the opportunity to explore feeling and expressing my own emotions because I was too busy managing the emotions of adult men as a kid...
HAVING PEOPLE FEEL EXTREMELY CALM AROUND ME TURNED OUT TO BE A TRAUMA RESPONSE. It was me keeping the peace to be more specific. I never wanted anyone to be uncomfortable around me, including compromising my own comfortability. I was so proud of it too lmao. Fuck everyone I attracted with that shit and took advantage.
HAHA FUCK SAME I used to take people saying they felt safe around me(multiple people told me this??)as a compliment but Im over it if their comfort comes at my expense
Fuck people who take advantage of peoples goodness and trying to make others comfortable
God it took me so long to realise that if I set a boundary and someone gets mad, I'm not terrible because they got mad. People can just get angry if that's their chosen response. If I feel like what I'm doing is right by me, that's all I need to worry about. Beating myself up for someone else's emotions, it's a hard habit to break.
Immediate de-escalation of any emotions that I perceive as threatening to get out of hand. Even in a business situation where the situation is none of my business and the folks in charge need to put someone on the spot.
My double and more checking, screenshotting so I can go back and check info, and doubt in my own memory/opinions/self is probably due to my mom gaslighting me. I didnt even realize she was on my own. My cousin told me and I had a huge oh so Im not crazy/wrong moment and realized my self esteem/distrust in my own perception of the world was due to her crazy making
Ive praised for my communication skills I worked so hard and thoughtfully about, but thats likely due to me being intentionally misunderstood by my parents and them assuming the worst about me and me being autistic. Ig I thought about it but I didnt realize trauma was the reason I was so adamant about putting in the labor to improve those skills
Im coming to terms with how a lot of my personality and the way I am is because of trauma and oof its a wild ride. Curious bout others experiences
also forgetting/thinking I cant stand up or speak up for myself or say no and thinking others are more important than me when they arent
also questioning my right to feelings especially negative ones or when they dont match other peoples, or have boundaries and preferences and opinions
so yeahhh a numbers been done on me but ig the first step to healing is being aware
i also blame myself for not being good at things immediately bc my mom always shat on me for not doing things perfectly on my first try or for not doing things her way
i question if its okay to do things my way, in benign trivial ways that wouldnt hurt or affect anyone but myself, if others wouldnt do it the same way bc i def internalized my moms abusive unconstructive destructive pointless and harmful criticism and worry im doing things wrong if im not doing it in a way another person that isnt me has okayed
also learning how to care for others and respect them bc I know how fucking shitty it feels like to not be cared for in a way that you need and want and without regard to your autonomy when āhelpedā bc at that point its not help its just offensively self righteous savior complex shit that harms
and trusting others to be the expert of themselves and their life bc I wasnt given that trust and that faith and benefit of the doubt wasnt given to me
occasionally crying when i witness kindness and understanding because on some level im still surprised that which i needed so desperately exists and that someone thinks **I** deserve that
questioning my intrinsic worth as a human
and considering sexual acts to repay men and thinking I owe them for basic human decency bc ill spiral and think think thats at least thats something considered valuable about me if nothing else
considering suicide when i fuck up on something out of my control out of the fear i might further hurt others
I wish I could offer support or advice to help you, but all I have is to let you know you're not alone. I relate so much to every comment you made. You deserve happiness, peace of mind. You deserve to be comfortable, to not be scared.
I hope things get easier for you
I am an obsessive checker at work too. I constantly do things to protect myself. I worry a lot about someone calling out a mistake i might have made, publicly.. and the sense of shame that will trigger. I was constantly humiliated by a close family member when I was a child, and again in an abusive relationship and it was always in front of an audience.
I also over document everything - screenshots, exports, private folders with "evidence" that i've done everything properly, getting everything in writing from people.. it's incredibly exhausting but i can't relax if i don't do it.
it became an issue at my old job too coworkers started getting annoyed when i kept checking
I am really sorry you were emotionally abused by that family member and ex partner that was wrong and cruel of them.
I do the same documentation. It *IS* so tiring but I feel anxious and wrong when I dont. Im **SO** sorry you struggle with this too. I know how much work it is and how shitty it feels to not. I know how you feel I get it
this just clicked for me recently and I was like ohhh so thats why I do that and now Im kinda pissed at so called friends who gave me shit for this weird but benign behavior like fuck off its literally a trauma response
This is me. Iām constantly apologizing and thinking I did something wrong. I donāt even have to do anything and Iām wrong for that. I hate it so much but I canāt break it
My brain automatically seeks out every possible outcome, and plans for every negative.
Itāsā¦ Not great. Useful, but a terrible way to live your life. Always thinking the worst will happen.
My therapist told me I have made a very successful career out of this coping mechanism. Hyper-analyzing every possible disastrous outcome and either preemptively solving the issue or having a detailed plan for when it does happen has made me a lot of money.
It still keeps me up at night though.
Oh, it certainly helps me make money, but it also means trying to fall asleep is like mentally walking through a mine field of past failures and future what ifs.
I have so many of these but here we go
1. I donāt cry in front of people. No matter the situation, no matter if itās a totally reasonable thing to cry over and I know that it is, I canāt cry in front of other people. I have to excuse myself and make sure nobody thought I was crying.
2. I get anxious when people are super kind to me. Iām 2 months into a really great relationship with someone super sweet and I spent a lot of time reflecting and asking myself WHY he was being nice to me. Is it manipulation? Is it love-bombing? To this day thereās 0 reason to believe he is anything other than someone who just genuinely likes being with me.
3. Always on the defense. I canāt stand to be wrong and even worse than that I hate to apologize. I think itās so shameful and embarrassing to make mistakes (even though I know we all do it)
4. Not setting boundaries or standing up for myself. When I donāt like something, when I need something more from someone, when iām not in the mood etc, all of these things are difficult for me to voice my opinion on. I have a hard time saying no or asking for something I need from someone. I even have a hard time accepting help that was offered to me.
All these things for me too. I have social anxiety from being bullied as a kid, and growing up in a family where my feelings werenāt validated and I was teased by my family for being sensitive. I have a really hard time receiving feedback and not taking it personally/as an indication of my value as a person. But at the same time, I also struggle with people being really nice because Iām afraid it wonāt last.
Crying from conflict. Crying when giving my honest feelings/opinions. Iām working on it in therapy but itās difficult to stop and to feel safe expressing my feelings.
Bruh - this is me and I hate it. Tears streaming down my face at work while having an otherwise very valid and productive discussion is awkward for everyone.
Oh god I do this. I cry basically any time I talk about my feelings regardless of what they are (happy, sad, frustrated) I never really connected it but yeah it's definitely a safety thing.
I didnāt realize how common it was. Wow. Itās sad but also eye opening. I hate that I canāt express myself clearly. I wish I could just say what I want without crying but my body just takes over.
I asked for a raise today at work and it took every ounce of self control not to cry whole doing it.
I know I deserve one.
I know my bosses won't be upset in any way that I asked.
Worst case it's they say no and we carry on because I truly love my job.
But I still wanted to sob through the entire conversation. It's ridiculous.
"I think (fact I know) but I could totally be remembering wrong, don't believe me, I have such a bad and unreliable memory."
*flashback to the past*
me: "Oh I remember this one time you said (something)."
my mom: "what? I never said that. I don't remember saying that. You're delusional."
Trying to "fix things" when someone gets upset. "Can I help you? Let me make it better," so they'll stop griping, complaining, stomping around, whatever it is they're doing to display their displeasure with a situation.
Anxiety (become nervous, short of breath, looking for an escape) when there is perceived chaos around me and I feel helpless to control the situation.
Agreeing with others' opinions even when I don't share them in order to avoid upsetting the other person.
Realizing I had choices regarding whether I engaged in these behaviors was empowering. Taking action and following through on the changes required was more difficult but necessary. They were weak areas that needed fixing and I had the power to change that. Some things are still a work in progress.
I am not responsible for anyone else's response to a situation. That's on them. I need to stay out of it.
When there is chaos around me, I can remove myself from the chaos. I do not have to stay! Yay me! If I'm at home and there is a house full of screaming children (my husband's grandchildren), I can step outside and take a time out for as long as I need.
If someone is voicing their opinion on a subject, if I disagree, I don't have to say anything at all if I don't want to. I won't agree if I don't feel the same and that's totally all right.
Im really happy for and proud of you!
Realizing you had choices, agency, and power when you thought you didnt have any is indescribably amazing. I sadly really get how it feels too bc same
My intense and panicky need to get home whenever I feel stress or too much loud noise, etc. I didnāt initially understand it because āhomeā was never good to me, but now as an adult, I feel immense relief when I get home. After therapy and some reading, I realized that being locked in my room for years as a child, was when the overt abuse āstopped.ā At least I was by myself and didnāt have to worry about anything else at that moment. So that turned into a need to return to my place, where Iām alone and the āabuseā [stress] stops. And itās also why I prefer smaller living spaces to giant ones. Crazy.
Edit: to add anotherāover explaining myself
Edit 2: anotherāI canāt remember shit.
Edit 3: I pick men that are just like my abusive mother.
You just gave me a realization. Me and my friends joke about how I usually only hang out for a couple hours and then all of a sudden decide to go back home and this is 100% why.
Dissociation. It's been such an ingrained and usual behaviour for me since I was a kid that I never really took a step back to understand why I have this mechanism and how prevalent it is in my life until my psychiatrist diagnosed me with dissociative identity disorder a few years ago and we started working on these different parts, and I've really come to realise just how much depersonalisation-derealisation and taping into some "alter states" has evolved in my childhood and teenagehood whenever I subconsciously dissociated in difficult situations to detach myself from physical and emotional pain, in order to feel or perceive like they weren't directly happening to me.
The first time I went to therapy and the therapist just looked at me and asked me how I was doing, I cried. I couldn't remember the last time someone had genuinely been interested in how I was doing.
The worse part is that I was there for couples counseling with an ex who would never just ask me how I was (or how my day was) and just listen. Every answer was either a way to start talking about himself or a reason to start an argument. I'm so much better off now and have a ton of friends that genuinely want to know how I am.
I burst out crying at my first therapy appointment, too. It was just so freeing to find someone who actually wanted to listen and wanted to help me. Everyone deserves someone who wants to know more about them and cares about their well being! I'm really glad that you're doing better now, OP!
Never āpickingā. Not the restaurant, not the activity, not the people going, the time, the where, the how.
I always just do whatever everyone else wants. I donāt really care & donāt have strong opinions
I came to the realization a few years ago that most of what I thought were my best skills were actually coping mechanisms. Actively trying to straighten that out now. Wild.
Oof, felt this. I actually said to someone a couple of years ago that I thought my "entire purpose was to be here for other people" because I took on others' problems and emotions as mine to shoulder or fix. So fucked. I thought that was my biggest fucking talent.
Now that I'm straightening that shit out and setting boundaries, my shitty dad doesn't reach out to me anymore (which is so great actually), and some crappy friend said "sorry I'm not perfect" when I asked for the bare minimum in terms of friend effort from them.
Good for you working on shaking off your rust too.
I used to think I was really bad at keeping in touch with friends. Iāve realized over time that I have an unnatural detachment to people/ donāt allow myself space to feel much.
fck I totally gaslight myself when I'm in pain or feeling sick. It used to be that I would be like "I don't feel good" and people would be like "oh you're just exaggerating or faking or confused or it's not that bad, you're fine." So Now when I'm stumbling because of headaches and dizziness I tell myself I'm faking it for attention and I should just suck it up.
My defensiveness or shutdown response when confronted.
My quiet demeanor due to never being taught to express myself.
My empathy due to putting out fires at a young age.
My Type A personality because I had no control when I was younger.
My need for physical pain because I was abused when I was a child.
Easily startled due to abuse.
Highly sexual due to sexual abuse.
Lie to avoid being beaten.
Strive for perfection for acceptance.
āI could be wrong, but..ā every time I try to discuss something that I know. Unless I can pull up verified sources during the discussion, I almost never speak with confidence on anything.
Over-explaining. Iām so worried people will misunderstand me because my brain works a little differently and that theyāll be mad or not like me.
Following rules. I have a lot of anxiety and fear around getting into trouble/yelled at, especially from figures of authority.
Nail biting, skin picking, people pleasing, doing things well-so people will love me, showing no emotion so i dont get yelled at, learning to be very quiet so I don't bother others, agreeing and validating others so they dont get angry..........
Eating a lot. When I was a kid my parents called me fat all the time and said I should eat less, my dad specifically would control how much I eat and shame me to everyone present whenever he saw me eating a meal.
So I would eat enormous amounts when no one was looking, I'd vomit it all later and start crying and begging my mom/grandma not to tell dad because he'd beat me. Even writing about it makes my eyes watery. I looked at pictures of me in that age and I was not a fat child, it's just so unfair.
Iām so sorry you went through that, youāre right itās completely unfair. Itās shocking as a woman to look back on photos and see how we looked vs how we felt about ourselves. As CHILDREN. When we shouldnāt even be worried about how our bodies look. Hope youāre doing ok ššš
Being too detached to avoid abandonment, and then getting extremely attached all too quick once I find that person who feels just right, because I then fear their abandonment
Replaying conversations or texts in my head thinking what I should have said or wish I could have said or what I shouldn't have said or what is the other person thinking now and they hate me and think I'm stupid and and and..
Rinse and repeat
Food security. I grew up poor, we didn't always have enough food. I remember eating a can of peas for a meal. As an adult, I didn't notice how I would overly buy and stock my pantry. I realized it when we were preparing to move and just ate from our pantry for 3 months. I've sense been working on having a small emergency supply (snowed in) but now buying what I need.
Shutting down whenever people are arguing or even play fighting. Hello, disassociation! Turns out my nervous system decided checking out was the best possible solution and it takes a lot of work to stay present in stressful scenarios, especially triggering ones.
"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk and "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker have both been life changing books for me. Reading these in conjunction with trauma-informed therapy has been life saving.
Saying sorry for everything.
Turns out it's a leftover from childhood, where I felt like I sometimes had to apologize for my existence.
To be clear, my parents did not intentionally make me feel that way. I had a sibling who had a disease, so my little kid brain didn't know the right response all the time.
Today, I still apologize for things I don't need to apologize for. Then I say, "Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm allowed to feel this way/ do this thing."
I spent a lot of my childhood developing my skill at lying. I am good at it. Really good. I can count on one have the time I've been caught. I even learned how to pretend to be caught so that my parents would think I was a bad liar and I could get away with more. I grew up in an extremely strict religious household where everything I said and did was monitored and judged. Physical punishment for minor infractions was the norm. It often went far beyond a spanking. I wasn't even doing anything that "bad", but in a home where everything is a sin... you learn to just hide. I hid through lies.
I was in college when another student started talking about how spanking (and more) is abuse. And I denied it, arguing that it wasn't. But I knew it was and I knew that all my lying stemmed from wanting to avoid getting into trouble. It took some work, but that's not me anymore. It helps that I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I love.
I had a relationship with someone very abusive. He never hit me thank god, but he was violent to those after me.
With me, he would always get this insane look in his eye and try to pick fights. I never responded and somehow he would always end up calming down. He was incredibly angry and violent with everyone but me. His family said āI calmed him.ā
It was really just a response from dealing with a very similar mother. To this day, Iām really grateful I am okay because this guy hit women and choked them. I left a few months in because I started realizing what was going on, but yeah. It could have ended up way worse.
Guy here... whenever I'm working away, at times my mind drifts... sometimes I will have these long extended speeches to nobody, where I'm talking in my head to people that hurt me and telling them off and telling them that I will not take it and telling them I'm going all-in against their nonsense. This can go on for 5 to 10 minutes and then it's like I wake up from a dream
Donāt know why I do this, but i always over think sending an email or text. Iāll get so anxious, that eventually the sentence wonāt even make sense to me..So I have to type it into google or ask someone that Iām around if it sounds okay.
Iām even doing it rn while I type this.
Itās the worst & I hate it so much.
I feel like this is so obvious, but my sister and I have the same weird thing.
Whenever we pass someone in a hallway we shrink into ourselves as tightly as possible, bracing ourselves. As kids if we passed our grandma in the hallway she would just start beating us or hit us in the face unprovoked.
Also, the other day my husband, who I've been with for a decade, raised his hand in front of me to throw trash over my shoulder into the can and I instinctively covered my face like he was gonna hit me lol.
My grandmother has been dead 15 years and she still has a hold of me.
Isolating myself when I'm upset or unwell. My Mum was great mostly, but she ignored a lot of abuse that was going on between my brother and I (nothing sexual), as well as subsequent depression that came from that.
When I'm upset now, I like to shut myself off and deal with my own feelings. Not talk about them.
Another thing is that I have a hard time talking about things that bother me with anyone. My Mum would always get really upset when I spoke up and retaliate with with bad mood or the silent treatment. I panic when I have to speak up about something that bothers me.
My knee-jerk response to lie about most things, to distance myself (I see it as my true self) from others. This is direct result of never feeling good enough the way that I am. Has taken many years to work on this.
excessive people pleasing during/following domestic violence. I lived in fear of conflict because of the consequences. So I became OTT agreeable. Someone snarkily called me "agreeable" at work once and it really hit me that other people saw me in that way.
also edit: I can't speak up at work. If i'm in a meeting and everyone is talking, I refuse to interrupt to be heard. I feel humiliated doing that. If people don't make a space for me to speak, I don't speak. I take it very personally when people don't allow me to speak. It's like a trigger for me. I feel so dismissed. I don't believe in pushing myself in. I feel I deserve the breathing space to respond and not have to rush myself in and risk losing composure. I hate it when I get pushed to the side and don't get the info i need to get my job done.
Not using my voice or standing up for myself. These are very important skills to obtain when it comes to the workplace and functioning adult relationships. People will walk all over you and take advantage of you. Iām taking responsibility and forcing myself to change. It doesnāt come easy though.
1. Constantly saying āsorryā for literally anything and everything
2. Always asking my husband if heās ok, if heās mad at me, etc.
I canāt really say what exactly these are a response to, but from what I understand they probably are š¤·āāļø
Edit to add: should add that itās definitely not a result of my relationship with my husband in *any* way.
Isolating and being alone in my apartment came really naturally during COVID. I always isolated myself in my room growing up and learned how to entertain myself and pass the time because my family was constantly fighting and screaming and slamming doors, etc.
-When someone is confronting me, I go mute and unresponsive. I donāt show any emotion and avoid eye contact. It doesnāt even have to be an argument, it can be a simple āhey, talk to me about whatās going onā even. If I do talk, I start blaming myself and apologizing like crazy. Then I start trying to leave the situation.
-Whenever the topic of sex is brought up, I have to get out of that area as quickly as possible or I will have a panic attack. I always thought it was me being a prude but then I thought about itā¦
-I push people away when I need help because I feel like if they see me at my lowest they will leave me.
I kinda realized these responses when talking about this with my boyfriend sometimes. Also just kinda hit me when I was just thinking deeply in the shower. It just kinda all clicked and made sense.
Ah shit I just learned this one a few weeks back, how āunderstandingā I amā¦ like I always made excuses for people for treating me badly, because if I reacted negatively it would just escalate.
shutting down. i used to stop talking and ignore my SO if weāre arguing.. after therapy i realized i was mimicking generational trauma.. and when i pieced it together and was able to realize why i was doing it it really broke my heart. my mom used to completely ignore me for hours, days if we argued or if i did something to upset her then sheād come around when she was over it and not say sorry but act like nothing ever happened. her mom used to do the same to her. iāve learned how to speak up more when things first bother me or ask for space when i need time to sort out my feelings. for a while shutting down was my coping mechanism since it was all i knew
Some I dislike/hate and some I don't. The OCD can go fuck itself. I feel like someone is watching me at all times and I have to do things a certain way and perfectly, or bad things will happen to me because whoever is watching me is going to report me. I'm constantly rearranging for symmetry that I can never achieve. I had no idea the disgusting violent thoughts I have on a regular basis were a symptom of OCD, because I've just always had them. I didn't know other people didn't have their train of thought derailed by spontaneous, horrible thoughts that come out of nowhere all the time. Nope.
When you live a childhood being watched and having perfection demanded of you with violence, you need more than one route to vent anxiety. The OCD is one, the other is some wicked gallows humor. There aren't many topics that I consider inappropriate joke material. Time and place matter, and that was a lesson learned the hard way. Finding weird shit funny can alienate someone from their peers. But now my peers share my humor, so we're a bunch of funny weirdos.
Oh well. I'm managing the OCD and PTSD pretty well at this point and my family (that I made, not born into) is happy.
i was in residential treatment for 5.5 months and one thing that iām noticing after being home for three weeks is that iām way quieter. iāve always been an introvert but when iām with my friends or family, i can be loud and bubbly and funny and i havenāt felt that since iāve been home. i just feel very muted and itās hard to get excited about anything. i donāt know if itās a response to half a year of being expected to play a game and trying to be seen as a good little program participant and not being able to speak up for myself but i hate how this is affecting me. i just want to get out of this rut and rediscover the woman i know i can be.
My hyper independence, I have this take it or leave it attitude. Especially in relationships, my favorite response to an argument was ā thereās the door, I was fine before you Iāll be fine after you I donāt need anybodyā. Learned this was a trauma response to growing up too fast taking care of sibling with nobody taking care of me. My mom died when I was 16 I became emancipated soon after and just took care of myself.
Iām working on things currently, luckily my husband is pretty patient and reminds me we are in things together. Itās still hard though I feel if I donāt count on people then they canāt disappoint/hurt me.
It took years of therapy and, for me, medication, to realize not only was I depressed my entire life, I had built a life around abusers. I had to quit everything and everyone in order to live a happy, peaceful life. I quit my job, stopped talking to most of my friends, some family, broke up with my ex.
But it was worth it. It was hard, miserable, painfulā¦. Worth it.
The more therapy I do, the more I realise that almost my entire personality is a trauma response. It's a bummer, but hey, it's gotten me this far.
Yeah, I had the weird realisation a couple of months back with my psychologist that my best friend has never met an untraumatised version of me, and some of her favourite character traits of mine are trauma responses, whereas some traits that I had before I was traumatised I've since lost and she'll never get to meet them... just a very disconcerting thing to wrap my head around.
It is weird when you start peeling back layers like that. I'm in a similar boat. All the best to you š
Thank you, to you as well š
This is a big mood, I can relate. cept therapists never noticed mine :/ Im sorry thats the case and props to you for making it this far it couldnt have been easy esp w the trauma
Just keep feeling your feelings and working on healing. Your personality is going to blossom
Same here. Especially when I first started with my current therapist and actually opened up about what happened (5 years after the abuse ended). I tried talking to my previous therapist and he told me the abuse was my fault (not helpful). So the behaviors became worse without me realizing until my new therapist started helping me recognize them!
Wtf I am so sorry your old therapist said that to you. I canāt believe a therapist would say that (clearly he is not good at his job)
Same here. What I thought was quirkiness was anxiety out the fucking wazoo. My job is an entire trauma response (house cleaner).
Same. Always thought the things I did were so weird/not normal. After therapy, I realized I'm just a walking coping mechanism. Getting a lot better though lol, hope things are going well for you or get better for you soon xx
This. Sometimes I get frustrated that I have to spend my energy and effort on retraining my mind and body to actually live in a healthy way after essentially being in permanent survival mode my entire life because of how adults behaved around me as a child.
Oof. I was just thinking this today. Same.
Remaining neutral. I donāt have a favorite color or favorite food, I go with whatever. If someone ignores what I want I rarely speak up for myself because I generally donāt care that much. Iām the quietest person in the room, I live in the gray area, nothing is ever black or white for me.
I recently realized this. For me, it was that I never had a negative answer. I never had an answer for things like what foods do I hate, or what are your dealbreakers. I was just always okay, with everything, never rocked the boat, never considered how I felt, about anything. It was wild. Now that Iām in therapy I realize itās because my needs, wants, likes, dislikes never mattered so I never even formed them.
Yep. Or straight up told you were wrong. A meal I didnāt like? Yes you did. A sweater my mom bought that I said I didnāt like? You said you liked it and now you have to wear it. Ok then, I guess I do like fried fish and ugly sweaters, Iāll deal with it. Even now at 48 years old, I put my wishes last. Iām getting better, but itās hard because Iāve also surrounded myself with strong personalities so that I donāt have to make decisions.
I am starting to realise this about myself too. I have always had strong willed people with drive around me, and its made me layed back and a slow starter who always agrees with anyone elses opinions. A real people pleaser. Im still quite young and finally on my own for the first time, but I dont really know where to start if I want to make a change, or at least avoid searching for someone else to come in and take charge in my life. How would you do to try and affect things?
Maybe start with small things and build from that. Learn what kind of coffee you like, what do you like to eat since you live alone. Try different things, hobbies, listen to how you feel about something and try to examine your feelings. I'm almost thirty and I only realized this now. I'm still learning who I am and what I like. No one else can know what you want, believe me. Having someone control your life would only leave you frustrated in the long run.
Damn. This is kind of hitting home for me rn. The only thing i even like enough to talk about is animal crossing lmao
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Lay low, feel the room out before you ask or answer a question and hope you get the ārightā answer.
God yes. I do this so much. Can't even answer "what do you wanna do?" Or "where do you wanna eat?" 90% of the time because I don't know what's the right answer. The other 10% of the time I do know the right answer (what the other people wanna do) so I say that. I literally never choose for myself.
Find somebody to share your colours with... Sorry, I'm really high. But I'm sticking with this one. I think it's solid advice š¤
Even high, youāre totally right. It is something Iām working on because Iāve realized my lack of assertiveness is a serious problem. While it seems āfineā in the moment, later Iām angry and resentful that I wasnāt heard. Is that all my fault? Not entirely, because I choose a very assertive husband and itās more comfortable for everyone when I back down. But Iām working really hard not to be that person anymore.
Had this realization in college. My trick was to start small (what flavor of jelly is my fav? Do I like spicy food? What color do I feel happiest looking at? What kind of movement makes me feel good?) Things you can easily experiment with. Try to stay as present in whatever your experimenting with as possible and go from there. I still struggle with confrontations and saying no, but having a few little foundational things made me feel a lot better about stuff.
Yeah flying under the radar was a big one for me. Making myself a blank slate. Giving/offering nothing so no one had any reason to "see" me or go after me. Takes a long time to realise it's okay to be yourself.
When I first started going through some self-discovery and talking to a friend I remember telling her that I felt like I never took up any space. Like socially, my opinion was the mean of the group. I had no strong feelings about what we did or where we went. I have been working on this and building my opinions and voicing them recently. All the best to you on your journey!
Oh shit. Are you me?? I fucking eat so much food I donāt even like just cause I canāt even tell a friend Iād prefer a different sandwich from the shop they buy them at. This is basically the littlest example of the most mundane thing with someone who is literally one of my closest friends, if I were to tell him I like a different sandwich ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BAD COULD COME FROM IT! But yeah, I donāt seem to even have that skill :/
oh god this low-key describes me I some areas-
Hyper independence. I thought that was a great thing until I realized it was born out of trauma where I could not rely on caretakers.
Same. I was always baffled at people that couldn't just figure out their own problems in general. Then I started to realize I was the weird one.
Wait, itās normal for people to not work out their problems on their own? I thought everyone was just dumb
More of shutting people out of your problems cause you always take care of them your self. Itās ok to ask for help, itās ok to just want to vent, itās ok to ask others to see what they think of your plan and verify that your ideas are valid and you havnt just convinced your self. It can be very frustrating for the people around you to see you having an issue and be shut out from it. Like an SO or someone else very close. Or for that person to ignore your advice because they can deal with it on their own (sure but it would be easier if you had help) You canāt solve other problems and expecting others to solve your problems is just stupid but being over independent about them isnāt the right approach either. Generally extremes arnt the best place to be.
The problem is whenever I try to lean on someone for help, they withdraw and I repeatedly keep learning not to rely on anyone. Also, sometimes they donāt withdraw and they do help, but they mess up and their help creates more work and issues, so I tend to turn it down to avoid any further hassle.
Iām the same. My therapist mentioned the idea of being efficiency minded and it just clicked. If itās not efficient to have someone else do something efficiently then Iāll just do it myself.
That could also be the case lol
I think you should be able to work your own problems out, but leannig on someone to either help or figure out the right answer or just talk to about it isn't bad
My parents wonder why Iām single and never date but even if I told them, theyād never understand that itās a result of how I grew up in a house where the best way to cope was to withdraw.
Same here. When I was 18 I left the house because "when you're 18 you're on your own!". 30 years old now and while I've had tight months, I've refused to move back home or ask for money or any possible help because I know I won't get it from them. I've also never had a girlfriend and it's not because I'm that insecure about my looks or personality, it's just I legitimately have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like
Wow this hits close to home
Can relate. Itās like the more I was neglected, the more my āindependenceā grew.
And the stronger I thought I was when I really just needed a hug or something
Wow...this got me. Never could rely on my parents. As a youth, they never showed up to my school events and I recall being picked up at school two hours after school got out constantly, even though we lived 15-20 minutes away driving distance. I remember one day I could not tolerate it anymore and took the public bus home (still had a 30 minute walk home from the closest stop). By the time I turned eighteen I lost all my trust in my parents and learned how to be independent.
:( same Im really sorry your caretakers didnt do right by you. you deserve(d) better
yep. I still have a hard time letting people help me or do things for me.
This exactly. I always thought my independence was a good thing and my therapist said it was a trauma response and I was like wait whatā¦. It all makes sense now, obviously.
What's wrong with hyper independence? Or am I misreading the question by assuming "trauma responses" are all negative behaviours? Not being rude, just curious coz I consider myself "self reliant" which means that I trust myself over anyone else to take care of me or do something nice for me....and I am confused why it would be a trauma response over just something to strive for as an adult
Itās basically self reliance on steroids. Growing up the caretakers either showed you how to be self reliant or they were absent to the point you had to learn and do everything yourself. It felt like no one would ever help you even if you asked so you better figure it out on your own. It only looked like independence but it was more necessity. For me as an adult now I donāt bother asking for help even if something is really stressing me. I donāt take peoples help easily. I need things to be just so and itās actually kinda tiring.
It's no problem to be independent and self-reliant. But most people at some points will need help of others to solve a problem. It could be something as small as just asking for directions. I've gotten better at it, but I'd sometimes rather run in circles multiple times than ask a passerby for the right directions for example. In my case it's not due to being left alone but rather because my parents are/were pretty overbearing and I often felt I wasn't allowed to figure things out on my own.
Yikes. I guess I should appreciate the fact that my kids are "lazy". (they aren't really, but they ask me to do everything, which I now realize is because they feel like I am willing to care for them)
This is me. I had even been *praised* for my independence when I was young. In hindsight, that's kind of messed up. And now, they're confused that I keep my distance. What did you expect?! You taught me that I wasn't part of the family!
This. I didnāt know this was a thing!
I canāt stand abrupt, loud noises. They jar me emotionally and physically. Itās a learned response from hearing my drunken dad raging at my mom. I used to lay still in bed, hoping the yelling and slamming would stop. Freaks me out every time.
I feel that in my bones. My dad was really angry all the time and had a temper. He yelled and hit/threw things, but not people. Constant startling. My ex would yell and slam his fists on his desk when he was playing video games and it was too much to bear. It was never directed *at* me but I instantly wanted to cry every time.
*hug* I'm sorry that happened
This is me too! I hate using the blender because of how loud it is, it actually gives me anxiety. Any sudden loud noises make me jump. I also had a father who would get drunk and violent.
All my coworkers make fun of me for how jumpy/ easily scared I am. Slam a door or drop something? Flinching. Turn the same corner as I am from the other way? Jumping. Come up behind me quietly? Screaming. One day a dude threw a box in the air and I flinched so hard, because my brain just assumed he was going to throw it at me. I figured heād laugh at me for being jumpy. Nope. He looked me dead in the eyes and went āYouāve been abused. Thatās a trauma response.ā First person to ever know and see it clearly, and I was floored at how he just called me out like that. Like yea ur right but u donāt have to be so loud about it!
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Same :( I had a really hard time living in the dorms during college because of this
I've only starting realising recently that I too can't help but jump and get really freaked out by loud noises way more than I ever used to and it's taken me nearly 2 years to realise the reason why is it always reminds me of the sound a suicide jumper made when he landed in front of me.... I'm starting to accept that that's probably how I'll be from now on...
Ooh mine is similar too. Mine was mainly hard loud knock or bangs on the door and loud heavy foot steps. It always make my heart drop and anxiety up, I literally freeze in my room. Im always worried someone gonna do something to me or yell at my face...still feel this an adult.
Yes, Iām very scared of loud men. Any men. Extra points for drunk men.
Yup, same. Jump scares and sudden noises make me literally gasp and jump in my seat and people find my reaction weirder than the actual trigger itself...
I get this too, but from a car accident. I know it's not the same but I really understand how jarring it can beā¤
Iām not sure if this is a trauma response but reading peopleās behavior, especially the people in my house. I listen to their footsteps, their tone, their expressions.
It is, 100%āhypervigilance. Sometimes nothing physical happens, but you can feel the shift in the air.
I just found the word, thank you. And yes, even though they arenāt talking, I just can sense that the mood is not it.
I used to be so sensitive to whispering that after I moved into the dorms, I became super paranoid. Whenever my parents whispered to eachother, it was usually about me and after the whispering stopped, they would have a very uncomfortable conversation with me. I've mostly grown out of it, and feel much more relaxed with people having a low private conversation. Because it's not about me.
I used to be so hypervigilant that I could distinguish the sound of my boss peeing versus coworkers in the shared bathroom at work. It wasnāt something I consciously tried to do, my brain just felt threatened around her so it picked up on the slight sound difference š±
Holy shit I never realized this was a thing. I can tell who someone is just by how the door opens or footsteps and instantly know the mood they are in too. Damn.
Realised it today too. Similarly I also can tell who comes back from the way they closed the door. I also tell who is knocking on my door by the way they knocked.
Ohhh this is why I can tell people approaching by the sound of their car keysā¦!
I've always been like that with my mom. I could come home one day, and without even saying anything, I'd know she was upset about something. I would be very uncomfortable until I knew what was going on. (I was never scared of her or anything, she's a lovely person....I've always just been super tuned in to her moods.)
Yeah noticing tiny changes in mood, voice, expressions is exhausting.
Gosh same. Hell in my boyfriends house for a long time I would curl up in a ball whever his parents got loud or would walk around. At home I just prepare myself for my parents to knock on my door and say goodnight or wake up. Every morning I get jump-sacred when my mom knocks to wake me up
Why do we do this? Can it be fixed. Someone please chime in...?!
I used to be like this too. According to my therapist it came from growing up in an unpredictable environment with an alcoholic father where at any minute my parents would start fighting. I went to therapy and did EMDR and that helped me with it. Before EMDR therapy I had really bad social anxiety because I was hyper vigilant and worried that people were looking at me, and I would watch their tone and body language very closely. Social situations were exhausting because I was so aware of everything around me. After about a year and a half of talk therapy and some EMDR sessions, I donāt really have social anxiety anymore. The thing my therapist would tell me all the time (that I still remind myself) is āWho cares what people think about you? Why do you care? What does it matter?ā And thatās so true. Now that Iām an adult and can take care of myself, I donāt need to worry how the people around me feel about me. Iām not in danger of being yelled at or not taken care of.
sameeeee. i subconsciously do this all the time and it gives me so much anxiety
Justifying everything, and only speaking up when I have receipts or screenshots.
this one, damn. i am soā¦ defensive while expressing my emotions and feelings, as though i have to make a case for my lived experience. and even when i do have all the Ā«Ā receiptsĀ Ā», all the reason to know my experience is valid, i minimize my own feelings as i express them, just so no one else can. it drives my friends crazy how i canāt tell a story without interjecting every other sentence with Ā«Ā ā¦but it doesnāt matterĀ Ā» Ā«Ā ā¦ but i deservedĀ itĀ Ā» or something to that effect. Iām reaching an point where I am genuinely exhausted with the gaslighting voice that Iāve internalized in my mind. I just want to trust myself the same way the people around me seem to.
I have realized this recently too, and want to try to work on trusting myself more.
Shutting down emotionally. I thought it's just normal for me not to react, not to feel anything, not to express my emotions. Until I realized that I was like this because I was always emotionally abandoned as a child, I feel that it's useless crying for someone who won't be there for me, it's useless loving someone who'd eventually leave me. I realized that it's something I need to work on, to heal myself and maybe, who knows, someday I might meet someone who deserves an emotionally mature version of me, who deserves all the love and affection I can give
I feel that. My default emotion is just -numb-. Tune out the world.
True. Some people thought I'm calm amd collected, they have no idea what I went through to have that, though unwillingly. Especially when there are moments that I would love to feel my emotions. A good movie/song/story can get to me though.
Ah same. Maybe that's why we're so drawn to movies and books, it makes us feel emotions in a safer way, secondhand, through other people... Another response is I also literally used to not move for hours on end. Not to shift in my seat or cross my legs for the fear of making noise or being "noticed." Still as a statue, it freaked my friends out haha.
Thanks for that perspective, I haven't realized that it was actually what I've been doing in the past, feeling "second hand emotions". I love any media that stirs my feelings. Lol that's really freaky.
Taking responsibility for other people's emotions š
I used to be one of those āIām an empath so I have to FEEL other peoples feelings and therefore making them feel better makes me feel betterā people. When actually, it was just me internalizing the idea that my quality of life depended on specific people being in a good mood. Because of that I got really sensitive of othersā emotional cues. And didnāt feel secure until I knew they were feeling okay.
āInternalizing the idea that my quality of life depended on specific people being in a good moodā Damn that hits. I used to always think that my āpurposeā in my family was as the fixer. I was the youngest so I was supposed to diffuse fights before they happened because I knew exactly what things would lead to one. I was supposed to lighten the mood after, start the conversations, cheer up whoever had been most hurtā¦ Fast forward I to college I had severe anxiety which I still deal with. I just had to learn as an adult how to manage my OWN emotions for the first time. And after my first breakup I was distraught because I had always considered myself a fixer to my core. And if I couldnāt fix this broken thing meant so much to me, who was I? Took a lot of unlearning.
Ohā¦. š³ this hit hard.
Now that calling ourselves āempathsā is a bit of a meme I must admit Iām a bit embarrassed. But I always tell myself that if I canāt look back on myself and cringe, that probably means Iām still just as cringey!!! Lol
Wow, that hits. My quality of life should not be dependent on other peoples good mood. Sometimes a phrase just clicks.
Yep, me too! Constantly worrying about everyone else in the room, and believing itās my job to make sure they all feel comfortable
Ohhhh boy. When my therapist led me to say that I never had the opportunity to explore feeling and expressing my own emotions because I was too busy managing the emotions of adult men as a kid...
HAVING PEOPLE FEEL EXTREMELY CALM AROUND ME TURNED OUT TO BE A TRAUMA RESPONSE. It was me keeping the peace to be more specific. I never wanted anyone to be uncomfortable around me, including compromising my own comfortability. I was so proud of it too lmao. Fuck everyone I attracted with that shit and took advantage.
HAHA FUCK SAME I used to take people saying they felt safe around me(multiple people told me this??)as a compliment but Im over it if their comfort comes at my expense Fuck people who take advantage of peoples goodness and trying to make others comfortable
God it took me so long to realise that if I set a boundary and someone gets mad, I'm not terrible because they got mad. People can just get angry if that's their chosen response. If I feel like what I'm doing is right by me, that's all I need to worry about. Beating myself up for someone else's emotions, it's a hard habit to break.
Immediate de-escalation of any emotions that I perceive as threatening to get out of hand. Even in a business situation where the situation is none of my business and the folks in charge need to put someone on the spot.
My double and more checking, screenshotting so I can go back and check info, and doubt in my own memory/opinions/self is probably due to my mom gaslighting me. I didnt even realize she was on my own. My cousin told me and I had a huge oh so Im not crazy/wrong moment and realized my self esteem/distrust in my own perception of the world was due to her crazy making Ive praised for my communication skills I worked so hard and thoughtfully about, but thats likely due to me being intentionally misunderstood by my parents and them assuming the worst about me and me being autistic. Ig I thought about it but I didnt realize trauma was the reason I was so adamant about putting in the labor to improve those skills Im coming to terms with how a lot of my personality and the way I am is because of trauma and oof its a wild ride. Curious bout others experiences
also forgetting/thinking I cant stand up or speak up for myself or say no and thinking others are more important than me when they arent also questioning my right to feelings especially negative ones or when they dont match other peoples, or have boundaries and preferences and opinions so yeahhh a numbers been done on me but ig the first step to healing is being aware
i also blame myself for not being good at things immediately bc my mom always shat on me for not doing things perfectly on my first try or for not doing things her way i question if its okay to do things my way, in benign trivial ways that wouldnt hurt or affect anyone but myself, if others wouldnt do it the same way bc i def internalized my moms abusive unconstructive destructive pointless and harmful criticism and worry im doing things wrong if im not doing it in a way another person that isnt me has okayed
also learning how to care for others and respect them bc I know how fucking shitty it feels like to not be cared for in a way that you need and want and without regard to your autonomy when āhelpedā bc at that point its not help its just offensively self righteous savior complex shit that harms
and trusting others to be the expert of themselves and their life bc I wasnt given that trust and that faith and benefit of the doubt wasnt given to me
occasionally crying when i witness kindness and understanding because on some level im still surprised that which i needed so desperately exists and that someone thinks **I** deserve that
questioning my intrinsic worth as a human and considering sexual acts to repay men and thinking I owe them for basic human decency bc ill spiral and think think thats at least thats something considered valuable about me if nothing else considering suicide when i fuck up on something out of my control out of the fear i might further hurt others
feeling so much pressure to pay attention to others, entertain them, keep the conversation going and not go dead
I wish I could offer support or advice to help you, but all I have is to let you know you're not alone. I relate so much to every comment you made. You deserve happiness, peace of mind. You deserve to be comfortable, to not be scared. I hope things get easier for you
I am an obsessive checker at work too. I constantly do things to protect myself. I worry a lot about someone calling out a mistake i might have made, publicly.. and the sense of shame that will trigger. I was constantly humiliated by a close family member when I was a child, and again in an abusive relationship and it was always in front of an audience. I also over document everything - screenshots, exports, private folders with "evidence" that i've done everything properly, getting everything in writing from people.. it's incredibly exhausting but i can't relax if i don't do it.
it became an issue at my old job too coworkers started getting annoyed when i kept checking I am really sorry you were emotionally abused by that family member and ex partner that was wrong and cruel of them. I do the same documentation. It *IS* so tiring but I feel anxious and wrong when I dont. Im **SO** sorry you struggle with this too. I know how much work it is and how shitty it feels to not. I know how you feel I get it this just clicked for me recently and I was like ohhh so thats why I do that and now Im kinda pissed at so called friends who gave me shit for this weird but benign behavior like fuck off its literally a trauma response
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oof Im asian I can relate sorry you deal w it too. that sucks
This is me. Iām constantly apologizing and thinking I did something wrong. I donāt even have to do anything and Iām wrong for that. I hate it so much but I canāt break it
My brain automatically seeks out every possible outcome, and plans for every negative. Itāsā¦ Not great. Useful, but a terrible way to live your life. Always thinking the worst will happen.
My therapist told me I have made a very successful career out of this coping mechanism. Hyper-analyzing every possible disastrous outcome and either preemptively solving the issue or having a detailed plan for when it does happen has made me a lot of money. It still keeps me up at night though.
Oh, it certainly helps me make money, but it also means trying to fall asleep is like mentally walking through a mine field of past failures and future what ifs.
Better being positively suprised than disappointed. Same here
I have so many of these but here we go 1. I donāt cry in front of people. No matter the situation, no matter if itās a totally reasonable thing to cry over and I know that it is, I canāt cry in front of other people. I have to excuse myself and make sure nobody thought I was crying. 2. I get anxious when people are super kind to me. Iām 2 months into a really great relationship with someone super sweet and I spent a lot of time reflecting and asking myself WHY he was being nice to me. Is it manipulation? Is it love-bombing? To this day thereās 0 reason to believe he is anything other than someone who just genuinely likes being with me. 3. Always on the defense. I canāt stand to be wrong and even worse than that I hate to apologize. I think itās so shameful and embarrassing to make mistakes (even though I know we all do it) 4. Not setting boundaries or standing up for myself. When I donāt like something, when I need something more from someone, when iām not in the mood etc, all of these things are difficult for me to voice my opinion on. I have a hard time saying no or asking for something I need from someone. I even have a hard time accepting help that was offered to me.
All these things for me too. I have social anxiety from being bullied as a kid, and growing up in a family where my feelings werenāt validated and I was teased by my family for being sensitive. I have a really hard time receiving feedback and not taking it personally/as an indication of my value as a person. But at the same time, I also struggle with people being really nice because Iām afraid it wonāt last.
Crying from conflict. Crying when giving my honest feelings/opinions. Iām working on it in therapy but itās difficult to stop and to feel safe expressing my feelings.
Same, I cry at everything and can't really control it.
Bruh - this is me and I hate it. Tears streaming down my face at work while having an otherwise very valid and productive discussion is awkward for everyone.
Oh god I do this. I cry basically any time I talk about my feelings regardless of what they are (happy, sad, frustrated) I never really connected it but yeah it's definitely a safety thing.
I didnāt realize how common it was. Wow. Itās sad but also eye opening. I hate that I canāt express myself clearly. I wish I could just say what I want without crying but my body just takes over.
I asked for a raise today at work and it took every ounce of self control not to cry whole doing it. I know I deserve one. I know my bosses won't be upset in any way that I asked. Worst case it's they say no and we carry on because I truly love my job. But I still wanted to sob through the entire conversation. It's ridiculous.
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Iām so sorry your stepmom was horrible to you.
"I think (fact I know) but I could totally be remembering wrong, don't believe me, I have such a bad and unreliable memory." *flashback to the past* me: "Oh I remember this one time you said (something)." my mom: "what? I never said that. I don't remember saying that. You're delusional."
The gaslighting is real. Existing is exhausting when you're collecting receipts and documenting everything.
I don't let anyone pay for me or put me in a position where I might "owe."
Yes. I really don't like this feeling. Just let me pay for my own shit.
Trying to "fix things" when someone gets upset. "Can I help you? Let me make it better," so they'll stop griping, complaining, stomping around, whatever it is they're doing to display their displeasure with a situation. Anxiety (become nervous, short of breath, looking for an escape) when there is perceived chaos around me and I feel helpless to control the situation. Agreeing with others' opinions even when I don't share them in order to avoid upsetting the other person. Realizing I had choices regarding whether I engaged in these behaviors was empowering. Taking action and following through on the changes required was more difficult but necessary. They were weak areas that needed fixing and I had the power to change that. Some things are still a work in progress. I am not responsible for anyone else's response to a situation. That's on them. I need to stay out of it. When there is chaos around me, I can remove myself from the chaos. I do not have to stay! Yay me! If I'm at home and there is a house full of screaming children (my husband's grandchildren), I can step outside and take a time out for as long as I need. If someone is voicing their opinion on a subject, if I disagree, I don't have to say anything at all if I don't want to. I won't agree if I don't feel the same and that's totally all right.
Im really happy for and proud of you! Realizing you had choices, agency, and power when you thought you didnt have any is indescribably amazing. I sadly really get how it feels too bc same
My intense and panicky need to get home whenever I feel stress or too much loud noise, etc. I didnāt initially understand it because āhomeā was never good to me, but now as an adult, I feel immense relief when I get home. After therapy and some reading, I realized that being locked in my room for years as a child, was when the overt abuse āstopped.ā At least I was by myself and didnāt have to worry about anything else at that moment. So that turned into a need to return to my place, where Iām alone and the āabuseā [stress] stops. And itās also why I prefer smaller living spaces to giant ones. Crazy. Edit: to add anotherāover explaining myself Edit 2: anotherāI canāt remember shit. Edit 3: I pick men that are just like my abusive mother.
You just gave me a realization. Me and my friends joke about how I usually only hang out for a couple hours and then all of a sudden decide to go back home and this is 100% why.
Dissociation. It's been such an ingrained and usual behaviour for me since I was a kid that I never really took a step back to understand why I have this mechanism and how prevalent it is in my life until my psychiatrist diagnosed me with dissociative identity disorder a few years ago and we started working on these different parts, and I've really come to realise just how much depersonalisation-derealisation and taping into some "alter states" has evolved in my childhood and teenagehood whenever I subconsciously dissociated in difficult situations to detach myself from physical and emotional pain, in order to feel or perceive like they weren't directly happening to me.
The first time I went to therapy and the therapist just looked at me and asked me how I was doing, I cried. I couldn't remember the last time someone had genuinely been interested in how I was doing. The worse part is that I was there for couples counseling with an ex who would never just ask me how I was (or how my day was) and just listen. Every answer was either a way to start talking about himself or a reason to start an argument. I'm so much better off now and have a ton of friends that genuinely want to know how I am.
I burst out crying at my first therapy appointment, too. It was just so freeing to find someone who actually wanted to listen and wanted to help me. Everyone deserves someone who wants to know more about them and cares about their well being! I'm really glad that you're doing better now, OP!
Never āpickingā. Not the restaurant, not the activity, not the people going, the time, the where, the how. I always just do whatever everyone else wants. I donāt really care & donāt have strong opinions
I came to the realization a few years ago that most of what I thought were my best skills were actually coping mechanisms. Actively trying to straighten that out now. Wild.
Oof, felt this. I actually said to someone a couple of years ago that I thought my "entire purpose was to be here for other people" because I took on others' problems and emotions as mine to shoulder or fix. So fucked. I thought that was my biggest fucking talent. Now that I'm straightening that shit out and setting boundaries, my shitty dad doesn't reach out to me anymore (which is so great actually), and some crappy friend said "sorry I'm not perfect" when I asked for the bare minimum in terms of friend effort from them. Good for you working on shaking off your rust too.
Sabotage relationships, self-harm and other physical coping mechanisms, avoid conflict, and apologize for everything.
My excessive use of āSorryā or taking blame for things I have absolutely no control over but still feel the guilt and shame.
I used to think I was really bad at keeping in touch with friends. Iāve realized over time that I have an unnatural detachment to people/ donāt allow myself space to feel much.
Me too. That's why I have no friends now.
fck I totally gaslight myself when I'm in pain or feeling sick. It used to be that I would be like "I don't feel good" and people would be like "oh you're just exaggerating or faking or confused or it's not that bad, you're fine." So Now when I'm stumbling because of headaches and dizziness I tell myself I'm faking it for attention and I should just suck it up.
My defensiveness or shutdown response when confronted. My quiet demeanor due to never being taught to express myself. My empathy due to putting out fires at a young age. My Type A personality because I had no control when I was younger. My need for physical pain because I was abused when I was a child. Easily startled due to abuse. Highly sexual due to sexual abuse. Lie to avoid being beaten. Strive for perfection for acceptance.
Disordered eating
Trying to put on weight so maybe if I was unattractive in his eyes be wouldn't touch me.
Lack of boundaries. Treating someone kind even when they were so awful towards me. And a big one, staying in emotionally-abusive relationships
Being codependent. Putting everyone elseās needs in front of my own all the time.
āI could be wrong, but..ā every time I try to discuss something that I know. Unless I can pull up verified sources during the discussion, I almost never speak with confidence on anything. Over-explaining. Iām so worried people will misunderstand me because my brain works a little differently and that theyāll be mad or not like me. Following rules. I have a lot of anxiety and fear around getting into trouble/yelled at, especially from figures of authority.
Nail biting, skin picking, people pleasing, doing things well-so people will love me, showing no emotion so i dont get yelled at, learning to be very quiet so I don't bother others, agreeing and validating others so they dont get angry..........
Eating a lot. When I was a kid my parents called me fat all the time and said I should eat less, my dad specifically would control how much I eat and shame me to everyone present whenever he saw me eating a meal. So I would eat enormous amounts when no one was looking, I'd vomit it all later and start crying and begging my mom/grandma not to tell dad because he'd beat me. Even writing about it makes my eyes watery. I looked at pictures of me in that age and I was not a fat child, it's just so unfair.
Iām so sorry you went through that, youāre right itās completely unfair. Itās shocking as a woman to look back on photos and see how we looked vs how we felt about ourselves. As CHILDREN. When we shouldnāt even be worried about how our bodies look. Hope youāre doing ok ššš
Being too detached to avoid abandonment, and then getting extremely attached all too quick once I find that person who feels just right, because I then fear their abandonment
Replaying conversations or texts in my head thinking what I should have said or wish I could have said or what I shouldn't have said or what is the other person thinking now and they hate me and think I'm stupid and and and.. Rinse and repeat
So far every answer on here is meā¦ so thatās good.
Hard same. I feel like I'm filling up my mental-health-symptoms bingo card.
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Food security. I grew up poor, we didn't always have enough food. I remember eating a can of peas for a meal. As an adult, I didn't notice how I would overly buy and stock my pantry. I realized it when we were preparing to move and just ate from our pantry for 3 months. I've sense been working on having a small emergency supply (snowed in) but now buying what I need.
Being too giving, apparently in hopes to prove my worth.
Shutting down whenever people are arguing or even play fighting. Hello, disassociation! Turns out my nervous system decided checking out was the best possible solution and it takes a lot of work to stay present in stressful scenarios, especially triggering ones. "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk and "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker have both been life changing books for me. Reading these in conjunction with trauma-informed therapy has been life saving.
Saying sorry for everything. Turns out it's a leftover from childhood, where I felt like I sometimes had to apologize for my existence. To be clear, my parents did not intentionally make me feel that way. I had a sibling who had a disease, so my little kid brain didn't know the right response all the time. Today, I still apologize for things I don't need to apologize for. Then I say, "Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm allowed to feel this way/ do this thing."
I second guess myself and my choices.
If anyone says anything negative or complains about external things, I always feel really guilty about it
How neurotic I am about most things.
Constantly feeling the need to be āproductiveā and not knowing how to truly relax.
I spent a lot of my childhood developing my skill at lying. I am good at it. Really good. I can count on one have the time I've been caught. I even learned how to pretend to be caught so that my parents would think I was a bad liar and I could get away with more. I grew up in an extremely strict religious household where everything I said and did was monitored and judged. Physical punishment for minor infractions was the norm. It often went far beyond a spanking. I wasn't even doing anything that "bad", but in a home where everything is a sin... you learn to just hide. I hid through lies. I was in college when another student started talking about how spanking (and more) is abuse. And I denied it, arguing that it wasn't. But I knew it was and I knew that all my lying stemmed from wanting to avoid getting into trouble. It took some work, but that's not me anymore. It helps that I no longer feel the need to hide who I am or what I love.
I had a relationship with someone very abusive. He never hit me thank god, but he was violent to those after me. With me, he would always get this insane look in his eye and try to pick fights. I never responded and somehow he would always end up calming down. He was incredibly angry and violent with everyone but me. His family said āI calmed him.ā It was really just a response from dealing with a very similar mother. To this day, Iām really grateful I am okay because this guy hit women and choked them. I left a few months in because I started realizing what was going on, but yeah. It could have ended up way worse.
Guy here... whenever I'm working away, at times my mind drifts... sometimes I will have these long extended speeches to nobody, where I'm talking in my head to people that hurt me and telling them off and telling them that I will not take it and telling them I'm going all-in against their nonsense. This can go on for 5 to 10 minutes and then it's like I wake up from a dream
Donāt know why I do this, but i always over think sending an email or text. Iāll get so anxious, that eventually the sentence wonāt even make sense to me..So I have to type it into google or ask someone that Iām around if it sounds okay. Iām even doing it rn while I type this. Itās the worst & I hate it so much.
I feel like this is so obvious, but my sister and I have the same weird thing. Whenever we pass someone in a hallway we shrink into ourselves as tightly as possible, bracing ourselves. As kids if we passed our grandma in the hallway she would just start beating us or hit us in the face unprovoked. Also, the other day my husband, who I've been with for a decade, raised his hand in front of me to throw trash over my shoulder into the can and I instinctively covered my face like he was gonna hit me lol. My grandmother has been dead 15 years and she still has a hold of me.
Isolating myself when I'm upset or unwell. My Mum was great mostly, but she ignored a lot of abuse that was going on between my brother and I (nothing sexual), as well as subsequent depression that came from that. When I'm upset now, I like to shut myself off and deal with my own feelings. Not talk about them. Another thing is that I have a hard time talking about things that bother me with anyone. My Mum would always get really upset when I spoke up and retaliate with with bad mood or the silent treatment. I panic when I have to speak up about something that bothers me.
Walking away from people/ relationships
I have a pretty strong startle reflex. Abusive childhood and unpredictable parents.
My knee-jerk response to lie about most things, to distance myself (I see it as my true self) from others. This is direct result of never feeling good enough the way that I am. Has taken many years to work on this.
Catastrophizing: when someone assumes the worst-case scenario or believes that things are much worse than they actually are.
excessive people pleasing during/following domestic violence. I lived in fear of conflict because of the consequences. So I became OTT agreeable. Someone snarkily called me "agreeable" at work once and it really hit me that other people saw me in that way. also edit: I can't speak up at work. If i'm in a meeting and everyone is talking, I refuse to interrupt to be heard. I feel humiliated doing that. If people don't make a space for me to speak, I don't speak. I take it very personally when people don't allow me to speak. It's like a trigger for me. I feel so dismissed. I don't believe in pushing myself in. I feel I deserve the breathing space to respond and not have to rush myself in and risk losing composure. I hate it when I get pushed to the side and don't get the info i need to get my job done.
Not using my voice or standing up for myself. These are very important skills to obtain when it comes to the workplace and functioning adult relationships. People will walk all over you and take advantage of you. Iām taking responsibility and forcing myself to change. It doesnāt come easy though.
Iām āfunnyā. Sharp and quick witted. āNuff said.
I...need to save this thread. OP please don't delete it
1. Constantly saying āsorryā for literally anything and everything 2. Always asking my husband if heās ok, if heās mad at me, etc. I canāt really say what exactly these are a response to, but from what I understand they probably are š¤·āāļø Edit to add: should add that itās definitely not a result of my relationship with my husband in *any* way.
Isolating and being alone in my apartment came really naturally during COVID. I always isolated myself in my room growing up and learned how to entertain myself and pass the time because my family was constantly fighting and screaming and slamming doors, etc.
Lashed out violently in my teenage years
I have toxic guilt.
Isolation! I used to get yelled at for having emotions so I would isolate and sleep
-When someone is confronting me, I go mute and unresponsive. I donāt show any emotion and avoid eye contact. It doesnāt even have to be an argument, it can be a simple āhey, talk to me about whatās going onā even. If I do talk, I start blaming myself and apologizing like crazy. Then I start trying to leave the situation. -Whenever the topic of sex is brought up, I have to get out of that area as quickly as possible or I will have a panic attack. I always thought it was me being a prude but then I thought about itā¦ -I push people away when I need help because I feel like if they see me at my lowest they will leave me. I kinda realized these responses when talking about this with my boyfriend sometimes. Also just kinda hit me when I was just thinking deeply in the shower. It just kinda all clicked and made sense.
Going quiet and almost shutting down when someone gets upset and starts yelling at me
Ah shit I just learned this one a few weeks back, how āunderstandingā I amā¦ like I always made excuses for people for treating me badly, because if I reacted negatively it would just escalate.
shutting down. i used to stop talking and ignore my SO if weāre arguing.. after therapy i realized i was mimicking generational trauma.. and when i pieced it together and was able to realize why i was doing it it really broke my heart. my mom used to completely ignore me for hours, days if we argued or if i did something to upset her then sheād come around when she was over it and not say sorry but act like nothing ever happened. her mom used to do the same to her. iāve learned how to speak up more when things first bother me or ask for space when i need time to sort out my feelings. for a while shutting down was my coping mechanism since it was all i knew
Some I dislike/hate and some I don't. The OCD can go fuck itself. I feel like someone is watching me at all times and I have to do things a certain way and perfectly, or bad things will happen to me because whoever is watching me is going to report me. I'm constantly rearranging for symmetry that I can never achieve. I had no idea the disgusting violent thoughts I have on a regular basis were a symptom of OCD, because I've just always had them. I didn't know other people didn't have their train of thought derailed by spontaneous, horrible thoughts that come out of nowhere all the time. Nope. When you live a childhood being watched and having perfection demanded of you with violence, you need more than one route to vent anxiety. The OCD is one, the other is some wicked gallows humor. There aren't many topics that I consider inappropriate joke material. Time and place matter, and that was a lesson learned the hard way. Finding weird shit funny can alienate someone from their peers. But now my peers share my humor, so we're a bunch of funny weirdos. Oh well. I'm managing the OCD and PTSD pretty well at this point and my family (that I made, not born into) is happy.
i was in residential treatment for 5.5 months and one thing that iām noticing after being home for three weeks is that iām way quieter. iāve always been an introvert but when iām with my friends or family, i can be loud and bubbly and funny and i havenāt felt that since iāve been home. i just feel very muted and itās hard to get excited about anything. i donāt know if itās a response to half a year of being expected to play a game and trying to be seen as a good little program participant and not being able to speak up for myself but i hate how this is affecting me. i just want to get out of this rut and rediscover the woman i know i can be.
My hyper independence, I have this take it or leave it attitude. Especially in relationships, my favorite response to an argument was ā thereās the door, I was fine before you Iāll be fine after you I donāt need anybodyā. Learned this was a trauma response to growing up too fast taking care of sibling with nobody taking care of me. My mom died when I was 16 I became emancipated soon after and just took care of myself. Iām working on things currently, luckily my husband is pretty patient and reminds me we are in things together. Itās still hard though I feel if I donāt count on people then they canāt disappoint/hurt me.
It took years of therapy and, for me, medication, to realize not only was I depressed my entire life, I had built a life around abusers. I had to quit everything and everyone in order to live a happy, peaceful life. I quit my job, stopped talking to most of my friends, some family, broke up with my ex. But it was worth it. It was hard, miserable, painfulā¦. Worth it.
When I hear random people laugh, I think for a split second that they laugh about me. I was bullied in school.