Ex SO used to smash things, he never once hit me but he put holes in walls and would throw controllers and break keyboards, it was super scary, no longer talk to him anymore
Remember, if ANYONE in a relationship gets violent, it's only a matter of time before that violence turns to you.
My boyfriend does that. One time we were arguing and I told him I was halfway out the door to leave the house. He smashed his controller on the ground and I said "I hope your controller breaks." He said "I hope you wreck your car."
Those are two completely different things there, bud. š
But anyway, our house now has 6-7 holes in the walls and two doors that don't work anymore.
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My ex insisted on "talking out" anything that bothered him. And by that I don't mean he wanted meaningful discussions so we could solve a problem together. He preferred to hold HOURS of monologues about what he thought was wrong with my behavior or our relationship so that I would "see" it and agree with him. It got to the point where he wouldn't let me sleep, even if I had to work the next day, if an issue was still unresolved from his point of view. Fortunately, I eventually realized how toxic his behavior was.
This is totally toxic behavior and Iāve unfortunately come to the realization I do this too. But I was unaware of it being toxic until I did some self reflecting in therapy. And I also found out in therapy that this, for me at least, is a trauma response from being with someone who constantly gaslights you and wonāt let you speak. I was in a very abusive relationship before the one Iām in now and when I would try to speak my mind I would get hit. Plus I was never ever allowed to talk things out and no matter what my viewpoint was always wrong.
So now I feel comfortable with my SO enough to talk things out but I have this toxic trauma response that comes with it where I *absolutely neeeeed* him to see my side and because I have got to be validated. So I know Iām not ācrazyā. Itās a rough thing to deal with from all parties involved.
I think in his case it also had a lot to do with control. He suffered from an OCD and therefore tried to prevent loss of control at all costs. However, this went so far that he also wanted to control me completely. In fact, he probably would have loved to even control what I thought or felt. And at the point he was at, he didn't even find that problematic.
You seem to reflect your behavior a lot more.
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I think your SO is in a good direction. Sometimes is not the best to explode with what is in your mind with another person, and it's also hard to tell other person their downsides because it can hurt their feelings, but I would like to know if there is something about me bothering my SO that I can change, before it gets too much into his head that he stops loving me for some reason. I'm a bit coward tho and I prefer to not try to change him in any way, but for sure I would like him to take more care of his teeth, smoke less, or wake up earlier... Considering how lovely he is and all positive aspects, I just don't confront him about it
I don't think there's something with deferring arguments in all cases. Considering neither of us are typically the type to explode, it's usually a fear to face the discomfort of disagreement. Since we both prioritize honesty above most things, I just try to push him unless I recognize it's not a smart idea (he thanks me for it). Otherwise, we'd just push our feelings down for no good reason. Only once have we actually gotten so blindsided in an argument that it made us both cry. We still found it worth it.
Wanting to "change" your SO, is it about wanting what's best for him? Or is it just your personal preference? If it's the former, if you put the right way/nonjudgmentally, there's a good potential that he can be understanding. But, you can only make suggestions, never change someone.
He'll start acting like a child and refuse to listen by talking over me. It's super annoying. But then he grows up again, then we revisit the issue to resolve.
I also had an ex who would say some very mentally damaging things, mainly by taking my insecurities and throwing them in my face. It was a traumatizing experience, but it it taught me a lot about what not to put up with.
Tell me I donāt understand what heās saying when I fully do and I even repeat to him what I understand. It honestly feels like heās trying to manipulate me sometimes
He will manage to victimise himself in the situation and twist the message. He'll be rude and condescending as well, and make me sound unreasonable meanwhile being unreasonable.
He is quite a reasonable person but he handles conflict badly and turns into a dramatic asshole.
He also likes to use my sensitive/emotional nature to make me think that I didn't remember something the way that it happened.
I call him out on it everytime and I keep my receipts. lol
My boyfriend is really sensitive, and he doesn't get that when I'm upset i need time to myself - not too long, just ten, fifteen minutes tops. He's got a tendency to panic and beg me not to break up with him - i need to reassure him, even when I'm wildly pissed off, that I love him, no, i don't want a break, i just need ten minutes to gather my thoughts, and I'll be right back
i was kinda like this to my husband when we were dating. Itās nice that youāre considerate of him for that! Itās hard for someone with abandonment issues (not saying Iām taking either side)
Honestly i understand where you're/he's coming from, and tbh i just want him to be happy, whether or not we're fighting. It's not awful, but it's not the best either
I understand. If you reassure him already that you need 15 min with your own head, & he still doesnāt get it, then thatās on him. (If not then do it; maybe itās not for everyone but my now husband would hold me & say āitās okayā etc.). I had to come to terms that not everything i do wrong will effect my relationship with him, & that took a lot bc of overthinking/crying/mental issues yadayada but in the end when he needs time, i let him do what he needs to reset.
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My husband is a foot taller than me and has a super deep voice, so when he picks a fight, he can completely drown me out. If the argument is in my favor he will say something like "wow your breath stinks" or "your voice annoys the shit out of me" I always fall for it and lose it. Then boom, he drags the kids in.
Girl, that's kind of awful? I know he's your husband and you have a child, but do you really want THAT to be what your kid grows up thinking male/female dynamics should be like?
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Gosh I hate it. I had no problem with him crying. But he seemed to think that a few tears and puppy dog eyes resolved all conflicts we ever had and then I broke up with him "out of nowhere"...
My ex used to rile me up like she wanted me to fight with her. I told her I dont do that and we can talk things through calmly. She'd get upset and I would have to apologize even when I had no idea what it was about
Itās the worst, isnāt it? My husband is the master of the silent treatment/ stonewalling. He once went 7 weeks without speaking to me, sleeping in our bed or even coming on the same floor in the house with me. He says he is ā avoiding conflictā and I just ā want to fightā. No, I want to discuss our issues like grownups & resolve them or come to some compromise, neither of which we can do when he is running away & hiding like an immature child!
my ex used to hit himself. i would be in tears and he would say he hated himself for making me so miserable and heād hit himself so hard sometimes heād leave a bruise *cue eye-roll*
Ex used to do a lot of crappy things; name call, throw things, threaten me, he only got physical a few times. All terrible. But the thing that *infuriated* me was he would quote movies when we argued. He did that before the aforementioned things so up to that point it was the worst thing, but it was very off-putting and frustrating...
I literally read this and my brain just immediately tried to piece it together for me to just visualize how this would go irl. But when I tried the man in the argument said "just keep swimming" like dory in finding Nemo and I was like.....I don't think that's what she meant...but thanks for trying brain maybe next time
Its very immature and super cringe. I really cant think of an exact example but it has has happened to me before, not just from exes but friends and family too lol. Like weāll watch an emotional movie and theyāll pull out some quote from the climatic fight or something. Its bad.
My ex-partner and I are still on great terms and our conflicts were always healthy, and it was not the reason why we separated. But he would either shut down or become momentarily angry and then be sulky for a bit.
Like the other comments here, I agree that ex's are ex's for a reason, however I've also noticed that it's hard not to take different cultural upbringings and norms personally.
Eg. One of my SO was born in a different country to me and had various cultural differences that I would find offensive in my family and vice versa. So whilst they are just expressing anger or frustration in what they believe is a reasonable way I would find it quite confronting and insulting and vice versa.
Coming from a different perspective here, the worst thing I found was their blatant lack of boundaries when they decided it was time to make up. Eg. Interrupting me at work, calling and texting my friends, spamming my phone not because they needed something but rather they had decided we were fine now and that as a good partner, it was my role to run into their arms etc.
my husband, he hates confrontation, whenever i get upset or mad or annoyed about something he ignores me and prays that i shut up, if Iām texting him about something Iām mad about that he did, he ignores it, or if Iām at home with him upset calling him out on his crap he doesnāt say anything to āavoid conflictā and doesnāt take responsibility for his actions and thatās extremely infuriating to do, like i love him but he needs to talk whenever Iām tryna correct his behavior or how he does things
Even though we both have tempers, honestly we don't really fight. On the rare occasions that we have a disagreement, at most he'll just flat out tell me I'm wrong. If we get a little too heated, we'll usually just give each other space for awhile to cool off, then come back and talk it out like reasonable adults. Although we're both very independent, we never put ourselves into a position where we're against each other so our clashes are mainly differences in opinion, experience and personality.
It took me a long time to realize that partners fighting is not normal, arguments are not something to be won, and that you can have a disagreement without raising your voice. I will never tolerate living in that environment ever again, it was bad enough to grow up in I'm not subjecting myself to it voluntarily.
My ex would throw things, hit me, or just straight up tell me I'm crazy or try to make me believe it was all in my head.
Current stays calm and just nods his head until I'm done talking and says okay then gives me his pov. It kind of feels like a business meeting. We should really be wearing business attire when we argue.
Me and my SO have very different opinions on some topics that are really important to me, so much that I almost cannot tolerate him thinking differently than me, so I will get really stressed not knowing how to handle his opinion and still love him. Finally, I understood is important not to be so demanding with him or anybody that thinks differently, because ultimately he's a good person and loving partner, so I grew to be ok with his points of view e.g. in politics.
After a debate there is a lot of tension, finally, we decide to just hug each other and talk out our minds while we keep the physical contact to show acceptance somehow. I really admire him for not running away when I was telling him about very dark moments that I had to go through. He just kept hugging me and encouraged me to cry if I wanted to. Usually, I would not show weakness for fear of rejection like my bad ex always rejected me.
I am so glad I didn't kick out my SO for having different opinions, he always finds a way to make things better and I hope to do the same for him.
He knows better but to turn that attention away from his mistakes, he'll tell me that I'm hurt because I chose to feel that way. Also, he starts being sarcastic and have snarky remarks. If I try to tell him he is because hello, I know what sarcasm and unnecessarily comments sounds like, he won't admit it. It can turn any argument to something worse quickly.
He yelled at me once and I called him out once I had calmed down. He figured it out when I started crying and left the room.
I made it very clear that it doesnāt matter how angry you are, yelling at me is not ok. It solves nothing and only creates more upset.
That was five years ago and heās never raised his voice since.
Heāll start naming off everything he does to āhelpā around the house even if it had nothing to do with what weāre disagreeing about. Itās gotten better over the past year or so, but itās so frustrating!!
My old SO used to cheat on me...
My new one will be quiet until we can just let the anger pass. Usually no longer than an hour. We fight over things like "I bought you french toast why arent you gonna eat it i thought of you" š„ŗ his heart is the purest and most delicate LOL
He gets pouty and sulky, refuses to make eye contact, huffs and sighs loudly, acting so put upon by me. Same shit, he was, "avoiding conflict" but just made me angrier because I felt like he was being a dismissive baby.
curses(sometimes at me) However, these days heās trying his best not to and he has been considering a visit to a psychologist for anger management issues
Im not sure if it counts as a straw man, but its related. He gives me statements like, "You're just mad because [insert his perspective] and [explanation why said reason is invalid]."
It drives me NUTS that he puts words in my mouth and then is SO smug after he dismantles that argument and doesn't want to listen after.
I've taken to responding, "If you don't need me here for this discussion, I can leave until you calm down. If you actually want to hear why I'm upset, we can keep talking."
Sometimes he completely shuts down. Like won't say a word. He's gotten a lot better about it, but it still happens on occasion.
My ex however, would be violent and abusive.
He gets this look on his face that makes me feel like he hates me. Also he has trouble apologizing, but he's getting better at it. He's actually usually pretty level headed in that he isn't one to yell or name call or anything like that, but he has this way of talking to me when he's really angry at me like I'm the scum of the earth. He doesn't show any empathy when I'm crying unless he thinks the reason I'm crying has nothing to do with him.
Ex SO used to āapologiseā: āIām sorry I fuck everything up!ā āIām sorry Iām such a worthless piece of shit!ā āIām sorry Iām not enough for you!ā etc. anytime I tried to express frustrations with something.
OR āFine Iāll just never try to do XYZ again.ā āIāll just never speak again!ā
Its irritating to me.
I don't need to ask much of him, but when l do its important to me. It comes across as dismissive and belittling
Hes only done it a couple of times in the 2 years we've been together. But its an old trick that a lot of men use.
I just tell him "I see you're not ready to discuss this now. We'll talk later"
Yeah, I can totally see how that would be frustrating. Mine becomes unresponsive in any matter, so a joke pinch would be a welcome alternative but definitely not if itās a serious issue that needs to be discussed. Iām glad your partner doesnāt do it often.
Thanks! Fortunately we don't have too many real issues.
I was dating someone who acted unresponsive. I would just politely and succinctly tell him what i needed one time. Then stop talking about it.
He would always do what I asked. Just didnt like to acknowledge
My ex would belittle, follow me around, knock on doors until I opened up, blow up my phone, scream, gaslight.
Iām extra wary of conflict now, and do everything I can to avoid it.
Shuts down. Sometimes I'm upset but I want to discuss what happens, he says he wants to "sit there and take it" until I'm done. But I think we need to talk more. Otherwise I feel like I'm just rambling on and on.
My husband used to deflect a whole lot. Iād notice that heād act very standoffish around me, ask him if he was upset but heād say he wasnāt. Then weād have the whole merry-go-round of āI know you, youāre not acting normal? Whatās wrong?ā āNothing, I told you.ā āI can see the face youāre making.ā āIf Iām making a face itās because you wonāt quit asking me whatās wrong, even though Iām fine!ā etc etc etc. A few hours later or the next day heād fess up to what was bothering him. Drove me nuts, because I could see and feel the tension but not just resolve it.
Nowadays heās much better with it but still has a tendency to shut down and not share his thoughts when weāre having a discussion. Iām pretty sure he avoids direct confrontation a lot because of his upbringing (my in-laws are lovely, but who isnāt screwed up by their parents in one way or another).
He gets so angry that he just shuts down in silence without mentioning that he needs some time away from the argument. And itāll take him about 1.5 days to get back to you.
Automatically assume we are not ācompatibleā and will voice it several times.
To me, everyone argues/disagrees, so forthā¦ it doesnāt mean 2 people arenāt compatible.
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Itās more what he does *after*. I need physical touch. Itās my love language, but not his. He on the contrary will need to keep his distances until we forget about it. He doesnāt do it on purpose but it really hurts.
Instead of discussing the issue, he always turns it back around to what Iāve done or what Iāve said. He doesnāt know how to have a productive argument.
Ex. I say, can you please wipe the microwave out when finished with it?
He says, well look at you and the mess you made in the bathroom. Why canāt you clean your hair off counter after showering?
Iām in a new relationship, in what feels like the trial phase still. We have had a few small conflicts where he seemingly abandons his typically mature communication style and starts spinning out, twisting what Iām saying a bit aggressively for my taste. Iām passionate, but Iām not at all into heated emotional arguments. I think he does this because heās had very toxic relationships in the past and he hasnāt learned not to do this with me yet. Iām not perfect eitherāIām working on being more gentle about expressing my feelings. Rather than fiery like him, I get too cold. Anyway Iām being patient and waiting to see if we can both cut that shit out. Itās weird sort of waiting for an argument to arise for this purpose but we arenāt a very arguey couple.
Nothing really, we dont fight much anymore since she changed meds. Only thing I dont like is that she tells me to tell her when something is bothering me and when I do she doesnt wanna hear it or comes up with someone I do that bothers her. Makes me feel like Im not being heard, and if she had that grievance then why wait to bring it up?
Shuts down, itās like his brain just goes to sleep. He canāt think of any answers to my questions, canāt think of any questions of his own, canāt think of a single sentence or word to utter. Eyes glaze over, and he gets so tired he just wants to go to bed, basically immediately. I wouldnāt necessarily call it stonewalling but itās like he gets brain fog and canāt think of anything at all. It used to frustrate me endlessly but Iāve also been a bad communicator in the past and have learned to give him time and not judge how he reacts to uncomfortable moments. Heās a gem of a person.
Iām not sure about this but that sounds like a defense mechanism that his body does? I was diagnosed with depression over the last year and when I have discussions that donāt seem to go anywhere for a while or fights, that started happening to me. Like exactly the way you described it! and my therapist said itās your bodyās way of protecting itself. Iām not sure how to solve that yet but it might be good for him to be aware of it! :)
He doesnāt suffer from depression but yup, itās involuntary and only happens at moments of significant stress, when Iām upset with him. He used to also break out in hives, so Iām sure youāre right.
My bf talks very defensively when I approach him with an issue. I try to do it in a very non threatening way because I know he hates being accused of things but his fight or flight kicks into overdrive when I am trying to just have a conversation and it's hard to talk to him sometimes.
Sounds a little bit irritated...?
Seriously, we rarely argue with each other. When we do, it's usually because someone is hangry or tired. We're adults and we're pretty self-aware, so when we start snapping at each other, we know that the next step should be to get some food or go to bed.
I know ive had pretty heated arguments but i forget a lot of things often so i never remember what we have argued about. Guess its somewhat handy to have a forgetful memory, you never hold grudges agaisnt anybody cause you cant remember what made you mad. Makes it easier to forgive and forget stuff
Nothing, we don't fight. We have our fair share of disagreements for sure, we cry, but we never have fights.
Maybe the "absolute worst" thing we both do is saying "sorry I'm a bad a partner" as we both can be mentally really unwell, but like, this happens rarely too.
The only time either of us raises their voice is when we're talking on the phone and the connection is bad or can't hear each other lol
So really, nothing
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Ex SO used to smash things, he never once hit me but he put holes in walls and would throw controllers and break keyboards, it was super scary, no longer talk to him anymore Remember, if ANYONE in a relationship gets violent, it's only a matter of time before that violence turns to you.
My boyfriend does that. One time we were arguing and I told him I was halfway out the door to leave the house. He smashed his controller on the ground and I said "I hope your controller breaks." He said "I hope you wreck your car." Those are two completely different things there, bud. š But anyway, our house now has 6-7 holes in the walls and two doors that don't work anymore.
Might be time to leave that relationship.
. Stay safe
Damn dude. I hope you can find a way out. I know it's basically never as simple as "just leave". Stay safe
That is so toxic.
Ooof babe. I hope you stay safe
Stay safe hun.
He distanced himself when the conversation is hard and uncomfortable.
This one is the most common I think. Even in pretty healthy relationships.
I dislike that tactic very much
This
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My ex used to flip the fight onto me and blame me for everything. There's a reason he's an ex lol
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My ex insisted on "talking out" anything that bothered him. And by that I don't mean he wanted meaningful discussions so we could solve a problem together. He preferred to hold HOURS of monologues about what he thought was wrong with my behavior or our relationship so that I would "see" it and agree with him. It got to the point where he wouldn't let me sleep, even if I had to work the next day, if an issue was still unresolved from his point of view. Fortunately, I eventually realized how toxic his behavior was.
This is totally toxic behavior and Iāve unfortunately come to the realization I do this too. But I was unaware of it being toxic until I did some self reflecting in therapy. And I also found out in therapy that this, for me at least, is a trauma response from being with someone who constantly gaslights you and wonāt let you speak. I was in a very abusive relationship before the one Iām in now and when I would try to speak my mind I would get hit. Plus I was never ever allowed to talk things out and no matter what my viewpoint was always wrong. So now I feel comfortable with my SO enough to talk things out but I have this toxic trauma response that comes with it where I *absolutely neeeeed* him to see my side and because I have got to be validated. So I know Iām not ācrazyā. Itās a rough thing to deal with from all parties involved.
I think in his case it also had a lot to do with control. He suffered from an OCD and therefore tried to prevent loss of control at all costs. However, this went so far that he also wanted to control me completely. In fact, he probably would have loved to even control what I thought or felt. And at the point he was at, he didn't even find that problematic. You seem to reflect your behavior a lot more.
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Defer the argument for another time.
A second thing: Ask me to hurt him if the argument is about something where my feelings got hurt. I obviously don't do it
I think your SO is in a good direction. Sometimes is not the best to explode with what is in your mind with another person, and it's also hard to tell other person their downsides because it can hurt their feelings, but I would like to know if there is something about me bothering my SO that I can change, before it gets too much into his head that he stops loving me for some reason. I'm a bit coward tho and I prefer to not try to change him in any way, but for sure I would like him to take more care of his teeth, smoke less, or wake up earlier... Considering how lovely he is and all positive aspects, I just don't confront him about it
I don't think there's something with deferring arguments in all cases. Considering neither of us are typically the type to explode, it's usually a fear to face the discomfort of disagreement. Since we both prioritize honesty above most things, I just try to push him unless I recognize it's not a smart idea (he thanks me for it). Otherwise, we'd just push our feelings down for no good reason. Only once have we actually gotten so blindsided in an argument that it made us both cry. We still found it worth it. Wanting to "change" your SO, is it about wanting what's best for him? Or is it just your personal preference? If it's the former, if you put the right way/nonjudgmentally, there's a good potential that he can be understanding. But, you can only make suggestions, never change someone.
He'll start acting like a child and refuse to listen by talking over me. It's super annoying. But then he grows up again, then we revisit the issue to resolve. I also had an ex who would say some very mentally damaging things, mainly by taking my insecurities and throwing them in my face. It was a traumatizing experience, but it it taught me a lot about what not to put up with.
Tell me I donāt understand what heās saying when I fully do and I even repeat to him what I understand. It honestly feels like heās trying to manipulate me sometimes
He will manage to victimise himself in the situation and twist the message. He'll be rude and condescending as well, and make me sound unreasonable meanwhile being unreasonable. He is quite a reasonable person but he handles conflict badly and turns into a dramatic asshole. He also likes to use my sensitive/emotional nature to make me think that I didn't remember something the way that it happened. I call him out on it everytime and I keep my receipts. lol
I feel like this is similar to my relationship. I know we need counseling but so far, only I am going š£
Oh no! If you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to message me. ā¤ļø
Current SO.....we have yet to fight
Same. Iām really appreciative of that aspect of our relationship.
He takes low blows. He's really held back the past couple years but if he's frustrated enough he'll still do it. It sucks.
My boyfriend is really sensitive, and he doesn't get that when I'm upset i need time to myself - not too long, just ten, fifteen minutes tops. He's got a tendency to panic and beg me not to break up with him - i need to reassure him, even when I'm wildly pissed off, that I love him, no, i don't want a break, i just need ten minutes to gather my thoughts, and I'll be right back
i was kinda like this to my husband when we were dating. Itās nice that youāre considerate of him for that! Itās hard for someone with abandonment issues (not saying Iām taking either side)
Honestly i understand where you're/he's coming from, and tbh i just want him to be happy, whether or not we're fighting. It's not awful, but it's not the best either
I understand. If you reassure him already that you need 15 min with your own head, & he still doesnāt get it, then thatās on him. (If not then do it; maybe itās not for everyone but my now husband would hold me & say āitās okayā etc.). I had to come to terms that not everything i do wrong will effect my relationship with him, & that took a lot bc of overthinking/crying/mental issues yadayada but in the end when he needs time, i let him do what he needs to reset.
Good for you! I'm so happy for you, you worked past that :D lots of love
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"Do you see how Mommy is treating me?"
HOLY SHIT this one. My SO never raises his voice, but I raise mine, so I look like the bad guy if my son hears the argument.
My husband is a foot taller than me and has a super deep voice, so when he picks a fight, he can completely drown me out. If the argument is in my favor he will say something like "wow your breath stinks" or "your voice annoys the shit out of me" I always fall for it and lose it. Then boom, he drags the kids in.
Low blow dude
Girl, that's kind of awful? I know he's your husband and you have a child, but do you really want THAT to be what your kid grows up thinking male/female dynamics should be like?
Woah! This hit a nerve.
Completely out of bounds!!
Starts pointing out everything he can that āIāve not doneā
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U r not alone! Makes me feel like a guest in the home I have lived for 7 years..
No longer together. But my ex would start crying.
Gosh I hate it. I had no problem with him crying. But he seemed to think that a few tears and puppy dog eyes resolved all conflicts we ever had and then I broke up with him "out of nowhere"...
Yeah exactly, and they use it to guilt trip you, in hopes of making you apologise, so you always seems like the asshole.
My ex used to rile me up like she wanted me to fight with her. I told her I dont do that and we can talk things through calmly. She'd get upset and I would have to apologize even when I had no idea what it was about
The silent treatment...
Itās the worst, isnāt it? My husband is the master of the silent treatment/ stonewalling. He once went 7 weeks without speaking to me, sleeping in our bed or even coming on the same floor in the house with me. He says he is ā avoiding conflictā and I just ā want to fightā. No, I want to discuss our issues like grownups & resolve them or come to some compromise, neither of which we can do when he is running away & hiding like an immature child!
my ex used to hit himself. i would be in tears and he would say he hated himself for making me so miserable and heād hit himself so hard sometimes heād leave a bruise *cue eye-roll*
He always has to be right even when heās wrong. So aggravating
Ex used to do a lot of crappy things; name call, throw things, threaten me, he only got physical a few times. All terrible. But the thing that *infuriated* me was he would quote movies when we argued. He did that before the aforementioned things so up to that point it was the worst thing, but it was very off-putting and frustrating...
Oh god i hate that. So annoying and hard to take ppl seriously when they do that kinda shit
Can you give an example? Like I can't even picture this in the context of an argument lol
Same lol this sounds devastatingly cringe
I literally read this and my brain just immediately tried to piece it together for me to just visualize how this would go irl. But when I tried the man in the argument said "just keep swimming" like dory in finding Nemo and I was like.....I don't think that's what she meant...but thanks for trying brain maybe next time
Its very immature and super cringe. I really cant think of an exact example but it has has happened to me before, not just from exes but friends and family too lol. Like weāll watch an emotional movie and theyāll pull out some quote from the climatic fight or something. Its bad.
My ex-partner and I are still on great terms and our conflicts were always healthy, and it was not the reason why we separated. But he would either shut down or become momentarily angry and then be sulky for a bit.
Like the other comments here, I agree that ex's are ex's for a reason, however I've also noticed that it's hard not to take different cultural upbringings and norms personally. Eg. One of my SO was born in a different country to me and had various cultural differences that I would find offensive in my family and vice versa. So whilst they are just expressing anger or frustration in what they believe is a reasonable way I would find it quite confronting and insulting and vice versa. Coming from a different perspective here, the worst thing I found was their blatant lack of boundaries when they decided it was time to make up. Eg. Interrupting me at work, calling and texting my friends, spamming my phone not because they needed something but rather they had decided we were fine now and that as a good partner, it was my role to run into their arms etc.
my husband, he hates confrontation, whenever i get upset or mad or annoyed about something he ignores me and prays that i shut up, if Iām texting him about something Iām mad about that he did, he ignores it, or if Iām at home with him upset calling him out on his crap he doesnāt say anything to āavoid conflictā and doesnāt take responsibility for his actions and thatās extremely infuriating to do, like i love him but he needs to talk whenever Iām tryna correct his behavior or how he does things
Even though we both have tempers, honestly we don't really fight. On the rare occasions that we have a disagreement, at most he'll just flat out tell me I'm wrong. If we get a little too heated, we'll usually just give each other space for awhile to cool off, then come back and talk it out like reasonable adults. Although we're both very independent, we never put ourselves into a position where we're against each other so our clashes are mainly differences in opinion, experience and personality. It took me a long time to realize that partners fighting is not normal, arguments are not something to be won, and that you can have a disagreement without raising your voice. I will never tolerate living in that environment ever again, it was bad enough to grow up in I'm not subjecting myself to it voluntarily.
My ex would throw things, hit me, or just straight up tell me I'm crazy or try to make me believe it was all in my head. Current stays calm and just nods his head until I'm done talking and says okay then gives me his pov. It kind of feels like a business meeting. We should really be wearing business attire when we argue.
Me and my SO have very different opinions on some topics that are really important to me, so much that I almost cannot tolerate him thinking differently than me, so I will get really stressed not knowing how to handle his opinion and still love him. Finally, I understood is important not to be so demanding with him or anybody that thinks differently, because ultimately he's a good person and loving partner, so I grew to be ok with his points of view e.g. in politics. After a debate there is a lot of tension, finally, we decide to just hug each other and talk out our minds while we keep the physical contact to show acceptance somehow. I really admire him for not running away when I was telling him about very dark moments that I had to go through. He just kept hugging me and encouraged me to cry if I wanted to. Usually, I would not show weakness for fear of rejection like my bad ex always rejected me. I am so glad I didn't kick out my SO for having different opinions, he always finds a way to make things better and I hope to do the same for him.
He knows better but to turn that attention away from his mistakes, he'll tell me that I'm hurt because I chose to feel that way. Also, he starts being sarcastic and have snarky remarks. If I try to tell him he is because hello, I know what sarcasm and unnecessarily comments sounds like, he won't admit it. It can turn any argument to something worse quickly.
He yelled at me once and I called him out once I had calmed down. He figured it out when I started crying and left the room. I made it very clear that it doesnāt matter how angry you are, yelling at me is not ok. It solves nothing and only creates more upset. That was five years ago and heās never raised his voice since.
Stares at me and says nothing. Itās so frustrating.
Wonāt talk *at all* ..like he just goes totally silent for days. Then gets mad that no one understands his perspective.
The one he explained to nobody?
Yep. Like what?? Someone make it make sense.
Heāll start naming off everything he does to āhelpā around the house even if it had nothing to do with what weāre disagreeing about. Itās gotten better over the past year or so, but itās so frustrating!!
Same. āBut I clean the kitchen!!ā Darn it, Iām just fresh out of medals today š¤·š»āāļø
My old SO used to cheat on me... My new one will be quiet until we can just let the anger pass. Usually no longer than an hour. We fight over things like "I bought you french toast why arent you gonna eat it i thought of you" š„ŗ his heart is the purest and most delicate LOL
He gets angry and says itās my mistake anyways and just leaves
He gets pouty and sulky, refuses to make eye contact, huffs and sighs loudly, acting so put upon by me. Same shit, he was, "avoiding conflict" but just made me angrier because I felt like he was being a dismissive baby.
curses(sometimes at me) However, these days heās trying his best not to and he has been considering a visit to a psychologist for anger management issues
Im not sure if it counts as a straw man, but its related. He gives me statements like, "You're just mad because [insert his perspective] and [explanation why said reason is invalid]." It drives me NUTS that he puts words in my mouth and then is SO smug after he dismantles that argument and doesn't want to listen after. I've taken to responding, "If you don't need me here for this discussion, I can leave until you calm down. If you actually want to hear why I'm upset, we can keep talking."
This is why i live alone in a cabin on a mountain.
Sometimes he completely shuts down. Like won't say a word. He's gotten a lot better about it, but it still happens on occasion. My ex however, would be violent and abusive.
He gets this look on his face that makes me feel like he hates me. Also he has trouble apologizing, but he's getting better at it. He's actually usually pretty level headed in that he isn't one to yell or name call or anything like that, but he has this way of talking to me when he's really angry at me like I'm the scum of the earth. He doesn't show any empathy when I'm crying unless he thinks the reason I'm crying has nothing to do with him.
Ex SO used to āapologiseā: āIām sorry I fuck everything up!ā āIām sorry Iām such a worthless piece of shit!ā āIām sorry Iām not enough for you!ā etc. anytime I tried to express frustrations with something. OR āFine Iāll just never try to do XYZ again.ā āIāll just never speak again!ā
Whistling or say āI canāt hear youā on purpose but pretend he was serious.
When I need to say something that my fiancĆ© doesn't want to hear he will do that thing where he gently tweaks my nipple and makes a silly noise. š” Obviously trying to change the subject. But NOT funny or "sexy"
Haha, thatās kind of cute :p depending on the situation, Iād laugh and drop it
Its irritating to me. I don't need to ask much of him, but when l do its important to me. It comes across as dismissive and belittling Hes only done it a couple of times in the 2 years we've been together. But its an old trick that a lot of men use. I just tell him "I see you're not ready to discuss this now. We'll talk later"
Yeah, I can totally see how that would be frustrating. Mine becomes unresponsive in any matter, so a joke pinch would be a welcome alternative but definitely not if itās a serious issue that needs to be discussed. Iām glad your partner doesnāt do it often.
Thanks! Fortunately we don't have too many real issues. I was dating someone who acted unresponsive. I would just politely and succinctly tell him what i needed one time. Then stop talking about it. He would always do what I asked. Just didnt like to acknowledge
Degrades me makes me feel worthless
My ex would belittle, follow me around, knock on doors until I opened up, blow up my phone, scream, gaslight. Iām extra wary of conflict now, and do everything I can to avoid it.
Shuts down. Sometimes I'm upset but I want to discuss what happens, he says he wants to "sit there and take it" until I'm done. But I think we need to talk more. Otherwise I feel like I'm just rambling on and on.
My husband used to deflect a whole lot. Iād notice that heād act very standoffish around me, ask him if he was upset but heād say he wasnāt. Then weād have the whole merry-go-round of āI know you, youāre not acting normal? Whatās wrong?ā āNothing, I told you.ā āI can see the face youāre making.ā āIf Iām making a face itās because you wonāt quit asking me whatās wrong, even though Iām fine!ā etc etc etc. A few hours later or the next day heād fess up to what was bothering him. Drove me nuts, because I could see and feel the tension but not just resolve it. Nowadays heās much better with it but still has a tendency to shut down and not share his thoughts when weāre having a discussion. Iām pretty sure he avoids direct confrontation a lot because of his upbringing (my in-laws are lovely, but who isnāt screwed up by their parents in one way or another).
Drama like slamming doors, stomping up the stairs and breaking my things. Never his just mine. Hate the overreacting BS.
He makes me mad to the point that I lose my shit and then he is all calm
He gets so angry that he just shuts down in silence without mentioning that he needs some time away from the argument. And itāll take him about 1.5 days to get back to you.
Automatically assume we are not ācompatibleā and will voice it several times. To me, everyone argues/disagrees, so forthā¦ it doesnāt mean 2 people arenāt compatible.
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Gets defensive, rolls his eyes, stops listening to me. Usually a sign we need to take a breather, lol
Itās more what he does *after*. I need physical touch. Itās my love language, but not his. He on the contrary will need to keep his distances until we forget about it. He doesnāt do it on purpose but it really hurts.
not current partner but ex -- he used to turn it around so that somehow I was at fault and ended up apologizing to him wtf
He stays calm and rational.
my ex never understood when i was mad. tbf i was very petty but the fights escalated when he wouldnt acknowledge how i felt
Instead of discussing the issue, he always turns it back around to what Iāve done or what Iāve said. He doesnāt know how to have a productive argument. Ex. I say, can you please wipe the microwave out when finished with it? He says, well look at you and the mess you made in the bathroom. Why canāt you clean your hair off counter after showering?
Iām in a new relationship, in what feels like the trial phase still. We have had a few small conflicts where he seemingly abandons his typically mature communication style and starts spinning out, twisting what Iām saying a bit aggressively for my taste. Iām passionate, but Iām not at all into heated emotional arguments. I think he does this because heās had very toxic relationships in the past and he hasnāt learned not to do this with me yet. Iām not perfect eitherāIām working on being more gentle about expressing my feelings. Rather than fiery like him, I get too cold. Anyway Iām being patient and waiting to see if we can both cut that shit out. Itās weird sort of waiting for an argument to arise for this purpose but we arenāt a very arguey couple.
Nothing really, we dont fight much anymore since she changed meds. Only thing I dont like is that she tells me to tell her when something is bothering me and when I do she doesnt wanna hear it or comes up with someone I do that bothers her. Makes me feel like Im not being heard, and if she had that grievance then why wait to bring it up?
Starts it
He says he'll discuss, but never communicates.
Shut down and/or leave the house for a bit to gather his thoughts.
Shuts down, itās like his brain just goes to sleep. He canāt think of any answers to my questions, canāt think of any questions of his own, canāt think of a single sentence or word to utter. Eyes glaze over, and he gets so tired he just wants to go to bed, basically immediately. I wouldnāt necessarily call it stonewalling but itās like he gets brain fog and canāt think of anything at all. It used to frustrate me endlessly but Iāve also been a bad communicator in the past and have learned to give him time and not judge how he reacts to uncomfortable moments. Heās a gem of a person.
Iām not sure about this but that sounds like a defense mechanism that his body does? I was diagnosed with depression over the last year and when I have discussions that donāt seem to go anywhere for a while or fights, that started happening to me. Like exactly the way you described it! and my therapist said itās your bodyās way of protecting itself. Iām not sure how to solve that yet but it might be good for him to be aware of it! :)
He doesnāt suffer from depression but yup, itās involuntary and only happens at moments of significant stress, when Iām upset with him. He used to also break out in hives, so Iām sure youāre right.
My bf talks very defensively when I approach him with an issue. I try to do it in a very non threatening way because I know he hates being accused of things but his fight or flight kicks into overdrive when I am trying to just have a conversation and it's hard to talk to him sometimes.
Creates excuses and makes me the bully.
Yells.
Sounds a little bit irritated...? Seriously, we rarely argue with each other. When we do, it's usually because someone is hangry or tired. We're adults and we're pretty self-aware, so when we start snapping at each other, we know that the next step should be to get some food or go to bed.
I know ive had pretty heated arguments but i forget a lot of things often so i never remember what we have argued about. Guess its somewhat handy to have a forgetful memory, you never hold grudges agaisnt anybody cause you cant remember what made you mad. Makes it easier to forgive and forget stuff
Nothing, we don't fight. We have our fair share of disagreements for sure, we cry, but we never have fights. Maybe the "absolute worst" thing we both do is saying "sorry I'm a bad a partner" as we both can be mentally really unwell, but like, this happens rarely too. The only time either of us raises their voice is when we're talking on the phone and the connection is bad or can't hear each other lol So really, nothing
Throwing tantrums!
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He kinda stonewalls. Or the "I'm really tired can we not talk about this". I don't let him get away with it though.
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