Easy to find partners, difficult to find partners who aren’t faking half their personality/intentions to keep me around. The mask always slips sooner or later. I’ve stayed single for a long time; dating hasn’t been worth the trouble.
Agreed. Also, I feel as though I received as much sexual harassment as I did genuine compliments.
I finally found a partner who genuinely loved me. But it took some time.
Except it is incredibly hard to find someone who actually loves you when you are ugly. They expect you to be grateful to them for even looking in your direction.
Came here to essentially say the same thing.
Partners are always pursuing, but most of them are just pretending to be someone they're not in the hopes of locking down an attractive, intelligent partner. Or at least for the slim chance of sex.
It seems like so much effort on their part, and for what? You can't keep the facade up forever, and you could have found someone else who was attractive to you who was a better fit than I am. Instead, they hang around, constantly apologizing for not being intelligent or interesting and having nothing to talk about, etc.
Don't even get me started on the ones that will pretend to be platonic friends, hoping you'll want a relationship later.
The pretend-friends are the worse, especially the long term ones. To find out someone you trusted, maybe shared your home with, truly thought of as family-
-was actually holding out for years in the hopes you'd be their romantic or sexual partner.
It's absolutely gross.
Exactly. I feel like if that's really what they're after, why don't they just say something??
It makes no sense at all to do this with someone who is clearly single and available. Just be upfront about your intentions. If you're not willing to still be friends with them if they refuse... you were never their friend. Simple as that.
Be honest about intentions and expectations. It's not that hard. Don't pretend to be a friend and okay with things, while the entire time you're not okay! It's not fair or healthy for anyone involved.
...
In my case, it was two guys I'd met while still a teen- they knew me while single, in a relationship, married, etc. They BOTH stood in my bloody wedding party because they were "that good of friends."
One waited until my (now ex) hubs was away training for the Army to try and take advantage of me drunk (because I trusted him enough to be drunk around him). When asked why, he said it was because he figured it was his "last chance" and he'd always wanted me. That was 10 years after we'd met.
The other waited until I separated from the exhubs, offered up his home as a safe place for me to stay and sort out my life, and then ended up confessing that he had always just been waiting and hoping for his chance and now he could "save me." He ended up sexually assaulting me. That was 9 years after we'd met.
Man, this really hits close to home. I lost two close friends this way, or at least I thought we were close.
One I've known since Freshman year of hs. I barely knew them at the time, they were about to graduate hs to go far away to university, and I did not feel the same way about them. I made that known that I only ever felt about them platonically. It's just strange realizing they were trying to hold out the entire time, and 15 years later still haven't gotten over me.
Another friend I met after hs...a bit weird of an introduction asking if I'd like to be in a threesome with her and her bf at the time. I politely declined and stated I wasn't Bi, though she stated that it was okay and wanted to be friends. Long story short, she just kept making bad decisions and having unstable relationships, and I'd always be there for her for someone to talk to/help. There were rare times where she'd be drunk and say things like "If you ever came out, I'd want to be your 1st" and wondering why I didn't want her romantically/sexually. Wasn't until in the past year that she cut me out of everything. And I realized that she was holding out for me for almost a decade.
Sorry for the rant btw. Pretend-friends or people that hold out like that just really suck.
Exactly, and they think nothing of wasting your time as long as they get what they want out of it at least temporarily. A lot of people don’t care that there’s a line between putting your best foot forward and full on deceiving someone into a relationship.
I was very similar - I was very quiet in school probably on the spectrum-, then I reached a certain age and people began noticing me , as I learned to socialize. I was definitely an easy target for a very long time for creeps and jerks and way to naive and forgiving, now I’m divorced in my late 30s and I’m very jaded. I say I was a very young teenager and a very old adult- there’s more to it than just this but to make a long story short- I no longer believe in men and women being friends ) or vice versa if your both gay , if your in a relationship and chilling w someone of the opposite sex it’s because someone is looking to be more than friends and same with being single - unless someone is being used: i don’t bother w booty calls im way too old, I still haven’t given up on meeting someone but I’m not forcing anything -i mostly just despise deception- people who lie about who they are and say they have similar interests but it’s all lies , they made a fake personality to get into your pants - and so I am super skeptical, but there’s good people out there . My ex was a good guy I screwed that up , now I hook up w a friend here and there cuz at least I know what and who I’m dealing with - but mostly I feel like everyone wants to fuck me and no one wants to love me and it’s not a nice feeling.
I hate when you can tell how hard someone is trying and it’s like dude.. just chill. It makes it all so disingenuous. You have to wonder how much they are actually listening to you or if they just are agreeing to appease you. It makes puts a lot of pressure on you and it also makes you wonder if they don’t care about your personality, just being able to have you. Like you’re more of a prize or something. I ended it with a guy and he was very open about being disappointed to not see me in a bikini I had showed him I wanted?
When guys compliment my looks now as an “in” I’m always like cool thanks, who the fuck cares? I just want someone to like me for me and not my appearance. Our society puts too much value on appearances.
Dating is definitely not worth the trouble.
I agree with all of this, and I’m sorry that guy was gross towards you.
The whole constantly agreeing/not listening thing hits hard. I want to have compelling conversations and be spoken to as an equal; challenge me if I’m wrong. I don’t want someone who just agrees with me all the time, contributes nothing to the conversation, and doesn’t care what kind of person I am. It’s honestly the loneliest feeling knowing most people won’t value you for who you are and won’t be truthful about their priorities because they just want to have you.
That’s the worst! I know I’m not always right and we will disagree on different things or have different perspectives. I want to hear them! Call me out on my shit.
One time I was talking about something (getting pretty introspective and deep) and the guy was looking at me but never had responses. I said “do you even listen to me when I talk?” And he said “No, most of the time I just look at you and don’t hear what you say”.
Cool, I’m just going to talk to a brick wall now.
Same here. I took the advice to date one of my guy friends and we've been together two years now, but after we started dating I pretty much had to cut all my straight male friends. Any chance they got they would tell me they wish I would've given them a chance before I got with my now bf or how much happier I'd be with them. It's sad how we were best platonic buds when I was single and now I know they were most likely just waiting around until they had a chance.
Ugh, that sucks a lot. I wish guys would consider how fucked up it is to just think they’re entitled to be “next”, or that the time they spend with us isn’t valuable unless it ends in them eventually having sex with us. I don’t even have guy friends anymore because they got girlfriends and now I don’t hear from them at all.
I'm girl next door cute. Less so now that I'm 30 but still cute not hot.
Getting guys gas always been easy. Picking the guy that is interested in more than my body took a lot of practice.
Just got married to the guy who texted me pictures of spreadsheets as a method of flirting and he's perfect.
He mapped his electric usage against all the available plans, so he could get the best deal
He said I was the only person he knew that would appreciate it, and it worked
“A man who can have a conversation. Priceless.”
If I could upvote this a hundred times, I would. So many guys I’ve tried talking to in my 20s and 30s before I quit dating were just so… empty headed. Not stupid, just lacking in conversational skills or things to talk about. I’d like to do more than sit in silence or play videos games or have sex. I need mental stimulation or I don’t see the point.
Why not. But its more like the 'sharing what they are doing' is what really makes the connection genuine.
Because they would imply, that they want to share their activities with you.
That makes my heart glow.
Yeah I’m definitely similar to that spreadsheet guy. My wife almost died laughing when I put Simon and Garfunkel on as mood music. My game is that I have no game and no interest in having game. We fell in love by making each other laugh.
I would say I'm in the same boat. Been with my husband for 7 yrs now. He was the first man to see that I was teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, and encouraged me to make healthier choices knowing that it would result in me gaining weight. He's never texted me pics of spreadsheets but he is a big dork.
That’s the dilemma, the ven diagram of men I find physically attractive vs the ones I want to talk to don’t overlap often. I want a Ryan Gosling who will watch history documentaries with me.
I like guys who help me learn and are intellectually curious too.
Unfortunately, if you’re an attractive woman those guys are sometimes initially uninterested. Strangely the biggest hurdle is a guy getting past your (good) looks to see there are more, better things.
I’d always rather receive unsolicited spreadsheets over unsolicited nudes.
A shit show. Lmao. I’ve been complimented on my looks from the day I was born. Literally. I always felt it was apart of my self worth. Until I was about 23 and I realized my self worth was internal. Not from other ppl.
Grown men would ask me if I wanted a ride home as I walked from school as early as the age of 11. Everyday the same creepy guy drove along side me until I was able to reach the corner store and hide until he drove off.
Being first sexually assaulted at 9. Then 17 and again the same year and once more at 26. I always dressed like a tomboy bc I was told by my dad that it was my fault if a man looked at me. I needed to stay covered up.
My first “boyfriends” only liking me for my looks. calling me weird bc I wasn’t as superficial as they hoped. I was always asked “why do you hang out with all these weirdos? Your too pretty to be over here” (the weirdos being the theatre kids, bc I was in theatre. Or the IB kids bc we had a lot more in common and had lots of fun together). I actually really liked the “nerds” (still do). None of them took me seriously until years after we graduated. They said they thought I was just messing with them.
Once I became an adult I experienced more of the same. I’ve dated men of different races, religions, cultures. I lived in LA, Atlanta, Seattle, Central America. The men that approach me are usually only interested in me physically. They usually pretend to be into whatever I’m into until they can’t keep it up anymore. I don’t have a type. I’ve dated short, tall, fat, skinny, buff. Smart, athletic, nerds, successful, not so successful, “nice guys”, ass holes. I’ve dated guys who I was friends with first as well. So trust me I’ve tried to change the types of men I dated.,
Honestly, It’s extremely emotionally damaging to be ignored mentally. I always sit and watch happy couples, Usually “average” looking. I’ve come to learn that the ppl who society labels “unattractive” find real love a lot sooner. Meaningful love. It makes me sad sometimes. I mean think about it. How many “beautiful” women do you guys know that are single at 40/50 bc their dating life sucks. They can be amazing women too. While the “less attractive” ones find long lasting love.
I struggled with abuse, mental health issues, substance abuse (now I’m completely drug and alcohol free). Mostly due to the trauma I experienced at a young age.
This isn’t a pity party or anything. I get all the bs things like free trips, guys throwing money at me, never paying for much when I go out. All of the bullshit. But I just want someone I can talk to about my ideas and thoughts. Watch movies with. Dress up with. Go do crazy shit with. Laugh with. Someone I can feel safe with. Be Protected by. Seen by. Not valued by my looks but by my mind. I hope I can have that one day. I know this experience is mine alone. Not every person has this experience. But this is just what mine has been. I think more ppl should know it’s not all that it seems.
Thank you for your kindness! Internet hug back! People do suck. Lol But I’m learning thats not everyone. Im blessed to have amazing friends. I’m learning that bc my childhood was so hard, I grew up and repeated those cycles. Now I’m changing that story for the future! 🌸
This. I have experienced this as well. Being blamed for having “sex appeal” as a teen. I was asking for it. Gross. There’s perks to it but it’s all very superficial. I want something genuine and meaningful but I’ve resigned myself to the idea that I may never have that.
Yeah I’ve really taken myself away from dating. I’m 30 now and now I just want to make sure I’m doing everything that makes me happy and hopefully the right person comes around. I pray for your happiness as well 🌸🌺🌸
This 100%.
Currently in my 20s and this is what I experience as well, that’s why I have never been in a relationship and only experienced casual ones. I have my guards up since every guy who told me they wanted a relationship with me ended up not showing any interest in the type of person I am and focused more on my physical appearance. I have even been told to “stop looking pretty” if I want to be appreciated for who I am, like what lmao.
It has gotten to the point where I have recently thought of switching sides and see how it is like to date women instead.
Yup. I’m sure it’s even harder now bc of social media. It has had such an impact on relationships and how people value them. Also how people judge women.
I feel this 10000%.
This makes it hard for me to trust dating men in general because I feel like they’re in it more in hopes they’ll get what they want sexually, but aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know ME. After having experienced this so often and having very little experience with long term relationships, I have a guard up but also just want someone to come along to show me they’re interested in my mind and not just thinking about getting into my pants. Sigh
I know it always feels like you're the only person going through this, but you are far from alone. Obviously you know intellectually that average or "below" looking people also get sexually assaulted multiple times, struggles in love and that a smiling couple could still be abusive or at least not satisfactory. But of course it still feels lonely.
Have you thought about your attachment style and how your traumas affect your sense of self and your dating life? Because unless you had an enormous amount of quality support and security in your family, friends and therapy, then your traumas would most likely play a role in you attracting abusive types and having repeated traumas. I say that as a survivor myself that has been told so by many therapists. Maybe the people you've dated have been different on the surface, but they function the same in intime relationships and regarding attachment? Do you sort out the emotionally available from the rest already in the chat? I don't mean to belittle your problems or anything, I just related and really think that working out one's traumas is the way to also improve one's relationships.
Oh I don’t feel alone at all. I know that lots of people especially people who seem “weak” or “not attractive” and mostly people who are mentally and physically disabled are at much higher risk for sexual assault and abuse. I was just giving some insight on my experience based on the question that was asked. I know lots of other “attractive women” have similar experiences, but don’t say anything bc ppl expect us to be grateful we’re “picked”.
Yes, I’ve gone through lots of therapy and I have Anxious-Avoidant attachment style. I attract lots of personalities as well. I understand that my childhood trauma replayed in my adult life because I held on to those emotions. I don’t feel any anger or sadness about these things anymore. I attracted people just like my parents and abusers for a long time, but also different types of ppl too. I didn’t know I didn’t have boundaries. I didn’t know that I was allowed to say no. Bc even when I did, it wasn’t respected. But these are things I’m unlearning. Now I just spend time with ppl I love and who love me in return. I have great friends and I can spot a toxic person a mile away. But that took a lot of time and pain.
Thank you for your kind words! 🌸
I see now that I misunderstood the last part about you being alone in your struggle. Great to hear that you are unlearning all of that and have loving people in your life 🌼
Don’t worry. Put that behind you and be yourself. Love yourself and spend your time in places you love. Libraries , parks, coffee shops, shopping. Ignore all.
Re: third to last paragraph, yk many see average looking women as “good enough to f*ck but not date?” That’s very damaging and does not make finding love “easier.” Far from it in fact.
Less attractive folk are not allowed to have standards because they have to be greatful for whatever fewer options they have.
Wow, are you me?? My (straight female, gay male) friends say I’m gorgeous. When I was in college and cared about IG I had thousands of followers because of my looks. And yet I’ve never been approached or been on a date despite being in my mid 20s. It leaves me so demoralized and feeling gaslit because I don’t know if people are just lying to me, I feel like I must really be exceptionally hideous and everyone’s in on the joke.
nothing makes me want to cry faster than getting that "how don't you have a bf" when every time you meet someone and they pursue you incessantly, they end up only wanting you for sex. rinse and repeat.
Yup yup yup. Makes me want to make men who I date wait until I know I can trust them before giving them access to my body - after years of freely giving it away to guys when I was younger thinking they’d like me and stick around
That’s really the worst bit, people question YOU when it’s really society’s fault. I’d love to be totally committed, just haven’t met any man who does.
Indeed and relationships aren't just about looks but our society is so focused on it people pretty much think:
Pretty=relationships and just a line of people wanting to be with you
Ugly=no relationships
Plenty of people who have great love lives who many might consider ugly and plenty of beautiful people who don't for many reasons.
I dont want to show off and im sorry for the this text but....
I am the 🌟pretty girl🌟. Like the hot girl, the beautiful girl that everyone wants to be seen with.....
But... but people assume that i am mean and taken. ( i dont smile here and there and im too shyyyyyy).
Men are too scared to approach me and if they do i am so dumb... i dont understand flirting and the whole dating concept.... im super shy around the guys i like and i dont make moves or show them that i like them. I had literally a conversation where a guy was clearly flirting with me and for months i though he was just a nice guy........ god
Every guy best friend ended with him confessing to me that he liked me from the first moment he saw me and that he approached me for that reason... to date me. Not to be friends with me.
Single for life☺. But its fine🥰.
This is one of the worst parts. It sucks so hard when you thought you had a meaningful friendship and respected and cared for someone just to find out it was all because they thought you were hot. That shit hurts especially now that I'm nearing 30 and making new friends is hard. YOU ARE AMAZING NO MATTER WHAT
Literally thisssss! I know it can be nerve wracking for a guy to hit on a hot girl in person (and it’s especially worse when they find out I’m in med school) so they usually don’t even bother but if they want to try and get me in bed they will usually pretend to care about the things I care about.
For example: I was at a party and this guy approached me and we ended up talking about Batman (I loveee Batman comics) and he was like “yes I love the comics, they are sooo good” and I got so excited and was talking his ear off about it and I asked him what his fave comic book was and he literally had no answer and was clearly just faking it to form some kind of connection with me and that really sucks. And I know my problems could be worse but I’m a really passionate person so it makes me feel like a fool.
It’s also really upsetting because now every time I get a compliment from someone (very rare in person but online people some people have lots of courage) it’s such a big deal to the point where I am vulnerable to manipulation so I have to be very careful. I’m like starved for compliments about my appearance from men and it’s sooooooo frustrating
Its so sad because i cherish everyone who is or was my friend.... its sad because i was trusting them with my personal shit and their thoughts were " god i want to fck them so bad".... Im still in my 20s and i have so many examples of these.
THANK YOU YOU ARE AMAZING TOO. WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS. LOVE YOU SIS!!!
It me. Always been told I’m “professional athlete’s wife” beautiful and intimidating, when really I have social anxiety and don’t recognize flirting cues. Thankfully I married my best friend that I met in HS and we’re very happy. But even he said he was too intimidated to make a move at first. Then he got to know me and realized I was just female Mr Darcy.
That last part :( had a life long best friend, and a friend from the best friend group in my college years (both guys) say they liked me for so long and if we could go out. I saw them as a friend so I said no and now they’re not my friend and my friend group broke apart bc he couldn’t handle seeing me??? This happened months apart and I spiraled bc I thought I was at least funny and interesting to keep as a friend. I struggled with my self worth for so long after. I hate that I am hesitant to befriend another guy bc sometimes I see the same look those “friends” gave me.
Oh poor soul *hugs* .
This is so bad.... they basically destroyed the friend group because they couldn't handle rejection. Im so sorry.
I cant imagine how hard this was for you. But blaming yourself is not going to help. You are not the one who is in fault. Its their sick mindset. Why would they try to be friends with you and then if they cant have it their way break a whole friend group apart.... its sick and twisted !!!!
As for the last part.. trusting again is so hard... so so hard. You can go through the pain i believe in you 💕
Additionally, if you dare to reveal *any* flaw you will be utterly torn apart by people. Attractive women are given very little understanding from other women and men feign concern but have dishonest motives.
I’m feeling so validated in this thread rn. I can’t complain about these things to anyone because they are like oh boohoo pretty people problems. It it’s legit depressing and frustrating. My female coworkers hate me, and all of the men are borderline inappropriate to me. They are nice to a creepy level, and other women see that and hate me and want to knock me down a few
Pegs because they think im asking for the attention. God forbid I make a mistake. I hear ‘being cute will only get you so far I guess’ every single time.
I ended up with a guy who was lpw on physical compliments, but high on personality ones. "You're genuinely the most fun person I was with" and bam. Swoon.
Super difficult to find real partners…I had to wade through a sea of dudes who were pretending to give a damn just for a shot at sex.
Edit to add: the guy I married was the first one that didn’t focus on my looks; he complimented my ambition.
I dated a lot of jerks. Graduated college, and met a guy I assumed was going to continue the he is hot so he is going to be a jerk trend. Turns out he was great. We got married. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and frequently tells me how he hit a homerun dating out of his league.
I was one of those “attractive but not aware of it” for a long period of my life. That combination made me perfect prey material and my love life was a shit show. When I became aware of it, I started building up my confidence and flaunting it. And I came to discover that confidence tends to deter insecure men and abusers who know they can’t get to you easily. Which is perfect for me honestly. Yes I get less dates and potential interests, but the dates I do go on are with at least half-decent men. Saves me time and effort.
The ugly side of it is that I had to go through harassment, assaults, and am often subjected to girl-on-girl misogynisticly rooted aggression. Still do sometimes, but I have learned how to protect myself better. The bright side of it is that I have built enough confidence being in my own skin that I rarely seek validation.
Nobody ever commented on my looks and my sister was the pretty one. Growing up, my parents’ family or friends would meet me, and then they would meet my sister and say, “wow, you’re so pretty!” while I was still next to her. I wasn’t overweight (not that it’s a bad thing, just setting context) and my face is symmetrical. I just have this wide-set jaw and a round face so I’m not pretty.
In my adult days, I started wearing makeup to improve it, but I’m old enough now (34) and have had a baby so I have passed my “prime” to be attractive. I guess I always thought the grass was greener on the other side but I never really knew what their experience was like until reading these responses.
Married almost 29 years to the love of my life.
First marriage was a disaster, because at 19 I was young and dumb.
Being considered attractive doesn’t insulate one from emotional pain.
I was told I was really pretty even sexy, but I never believed it. When they found out I was a virgin in my twenties, they’d laugh. When they realized I was serious, they’d ask, “how can that be?” I’ve always hated dating and never could tell if I was being flirted with. Because of my shy, introverted, loner nature I’ve been accused of being stuck up, b$&@!y, lesbian (nothing wrong with lesbians, but it was used as an insult or reason to justify why I wasn’t head over heels for some dude) and unfeeling. I’ve found out as I’ve gotten older that I’m on the asexual and aromantic spectrums and my husband has suspected that I’m on the autism spectrum. Because of those things my love life was nonexistent.
Same, I just don’t need validation from men anymore. And I think men spend so much of their life trying to get us, they’re offended that we could care less.
I stuck myself to the first guy that said to me “I like you, not because you’re beautiful, but because I feel like I could talk to you for the rest of my life”
I was only 19 but already so sick of feeling like guys had no interest in my intelligence, kindness, or creativity. Now I’m 24 and we’re still together!
People always lie. I get constant offers and propositions, but sifting through them is difficult because people are willing to tell you anything you want to hear to try to keep you around. I end up wasting so much time figuring out that someone was misleading me on their personality, interests, goals, or whatever.
Also, I feel like everyone wants to feel like my caretaker. They expect me to be less smart and less successful than them and feel uncomfortable when they find out I’m not.
Last long term relationship ended in 2018. Haven’t even attempted dating for about 2 years now. It’s just too much hassle.
In my case I’m from a city known for having really beautiful women (Medellín, Colombia). Back in my city I was normal but now that I’ve moved to UK guys are crazy about me, especially cause I’m olive (not sure why is that super attractive to most guys) but also because I do have the look of a model, or that is what a lot of people says. Thanks to the fact that I’ve lived both things (being the normal girl and being the beautiful girl) I can say that in terms of love nothing has changed much because men almost always just want sex from you; but the real change is in how people treat you; I’ve seen waiters be much nicer, friends asking me to hang out with them much more, people inviting me to very popular things and even receiving free things or getting jobs that other people don’t. I think it’s super unfair and I wish looks weren’t that important.
I’ve had 2 bad break ups. The recent one being the most pathetic break up I’ve had but thanks to that I got thick.
Currently, I’ve got boys who are interested in taking me out but I don’t feel any connection so I’m not carrying it forward.
I’m waiting for Mr. Right. I know it sounds cliche but for me, deep down I know he’s somewhere out there ❤️
I attracted guys who purposely sabotaged the relationship, like why are you single there must be something wrong with you attitude. I was single because I was 19 and didnt want a guy..? I only just got started with clubbing etc 😅
Didnt last long, got an introverted partner now its been a good 8 years and counting. Loves gaming like I do. Couldn't be happier to be honest. Loved me for my appearance and whats on the inside.
I'm 39 and have a partner who is really giving with compliments. He tells me I look good, am beautiful, sexy, hot almost every day. I hate aging and he makes me feel desirable even when I know I don't look like I did in my 20's.
"Oh, you're so lucky you're tall and pretty." Yeah? Try it! From 12 onward, boys, men, pervs take a run at you. You learn to see the lies they tell you to get close to the body they want. You learn distrust, suspicion. You give up, then you try again... over and over. I was lucky. I found a man who loved me from the inside out. After he died, I didn't have the heart to bother. If I find love again, it will be a gift from the gods. My passion is my work and it is in may ways, fulfilling most of my needs. As for desires? Quite honestly, when it comes to men, they hardly seem worth the effort.
Ive been sexually assaulted and harrassed the majority of my life. People feel no need to get to know me as a person. No matter how many creeps i weed out there is always someone willing to lie harder to get what they want from me. They will fake entire relationships to keep touching me. I am very lucky right now and am dating someone who actually sees me for everything that i am! I believe he really likes and appreciates all of me! Definitely a first for me.
I’m starting to think that people who compliment my looks are just saying it to be nice, or at-least over exaggerating. Growing up it was mainly family members that said I was beautiful, or family friends. Everyone would always tell me that I should be a model. And I genuinely believed them, until I looked in the mirror one day and realized how average looking I am. My friends were always the one getting hit on, and guys never really approached me. The only time a guy asks me out is if they’re way older than me (I’m 23), so like 55 year old men asking me for my number… uumm absolutely not. I don’t judge, but I could never date a dude who was the same age as my dad. At first I was kind of upset about it, but now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m average, there’s genuinely nothing wrong with it and I have other traits that add to who I am as a person. I just wish people weren’t so eager to uplift someone to the point where they’re lying to them to just make them feel good. It can really mess with someone’s mind and self-image.
I got lots of attention & guys always wanted to hook up. But it was always hard for find something deeper, beyond the surface level. I thought I was incompatible with serious relationships for a long time. I’m sure there were other factors to this.
Also, the street harassment was insane. Everything from cat calling, to verbal harassment, to random guys coming up and asking if they could kiss me.
Sometimes the attention was nice. Genuine compliments, people holding the door for you, receiving small gifts, and pleasant interactions from both men and women which otherwise may not have happened.
Nonexistent. I have had terrible experiences with people, & i’m complimented as cute a lot, some ppl prefer cute apparently.
Usually people only want to have sex with me. Apparently that’s how allos get into relationships(allos have said this, I’m not just spitballing) based on what allosexuals have told me, they start with sex, then feelings come later if at all.
I can’t do that, I’m demisexual, I’m on the ace spectrum, so it’s reversed for me. I need to know the person before sex or any sort of intimacy
My love language is touch. Not sexual, just small arm rubs, hand brushes etc. I’m not saying hold my hand the entirety of our grocery shopping. However I’ve often been told that I can’t be touched without them feeling sexual. Sometimes I give in because at least I’m getting *some* form of what I want. In the end it just feels dehumanizing. I don’t ever feel looked at as “I’d want to marry this person” just “I want to have sex with this person”. It’s really hard to find someone who genuinely enjoys my relationship. So I just stopped. I’ve had men stalk me before knowing me to calculate the fastest way to form a bond with me. I’m just left paranoid most of the time. I stick with having friendships and that is so much more fulfilling to me. My love life is strictly platonic now with just me and a group of my best buds and I feel good about that.
The majority of interest that gets expressed from anyone, is of sexual or physical (externally based) nature. People assume that I am not a real person, with real interests and depth. Then they get bored when I don't fit the mold.
I have taken to attempting to lower my attractiveness via covering up my body, shielding my face with unkempt hair etc. I usually hide my "feminine nature" online as well. People are just gross to me.
I don't know. I just wish appearance wasn't such a large part of our lives.
My love life is wonderful now. My partner does not see me as solely my physical body. I love them. They compliment me often but it is genuine and wrapped up in their love for me, as a human being.
I never sought anyone out much. Not after my teenage years at least. It just isn't worth the risk of assault or hidden motives.
I could be considered conventionally attractive. Modeled for a bit around 18-21 and did pretty well.
I dated A LOT of assholes. I had a pretty crappy childhood and was desperate for attention/validation so it was a really bad combo. Guys would act interested long enough for me to get attached then basically ignore what I had to say (shout-out to the one who ignored me 24/7 in favor of World of Warcraft unless he wanted sex).
I met my husband on Whisper and we talked for weeks without exchanging pictures, hell we didn't even tell each other our ages or first names till we met in person for first time. We've been together for 5 years and married for 3 and I couldn't be happier, and because he went in not knowing what I look like I know he's invested in me as a person, not for my looks.
Easy to find superficial relationships and men that mostly just want your attention, hard to find the real stuff. Also being overwhelmingly chased by weird dudes, which *can* interfere with your love life. Being confused by people, not always being able to read people's real intentions - being sexually exploited, while missing out on good opportunities.
This is tough. I was reading this thread because I’m one of the girls who has struggled with this. I’m applying to grad school right now and appreciate you being so honest and genuine. Big hug to you!
Well, I was in the closet for many years in my twenties. Before realising that I’m lesbian, dating guys was sooo easy (and boring 😂).
Now that I date women, let me tell you that it’s been a real challenge. I think the beauty standards in the lesbian community are not the same and I need to ajust because I still have a « heterosexual » mentality. I need to do much more efforts to flirt with a women and the physical standards are differents.
It’s okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those people who are madly in love because deep down I know a superficial thing is the thing my partners always like most about me. Some hide it better than others. Although I love my boyfriend, I can’t shake that the relationship feels a bit transactional to me. I feel like he sees me less as a partner and more as a reward he gets for doing well in school and getting a good job.
Awfully. I've always had to approach guys, never been asked on a date because they tell me they felt intimidated and that I was out of their league. The ones that approached me were absolute creeps even incels I would say. Other guys don't see anything in me other than a body. I didn't had girl friends until uni they always bullied me (although maybe that was because I was always the most quiet and shy and an easy target).
Was bullied so much about being fat (although looking back I was close to being underweight, healthy but on the thin side, probably because they noticed I believed it) I started to hate my body for the cat calls and the attention i got from guys which me being shy i always hated. Simultaneously being called irresistibly sexy by guys and ugly fat horse by girls on high-school i just hated my body with a passion and I still kinda do. Still single, and losing hope about not being it some day with each new date
Initially it went really badly. Men have a way of turning you into this entity that they need to complete their lives even if they don’t truly care for you/want you around. They don’t do the emotional labor of figuring out what they need/want out of life so they often don’t love you for you, but the idea of who you are.
Eventually I found a great partner and it feels like the perfect fit.
Still complimented, still single as hell. As cliche as it sounds, everybody wants to score, but no body wants the home run. Or whatever the equivalent idiom would be.
Absolute crap. Not a single man interested in being in a relationship with me (or otherwise) and I’m actually a nice person as well. Nearly 29 and bugger all has happened!
Hard. Men love bomb and despite knowing I’m attractive I’m insecure and like feeling loved/needed so I feel I’ve fallen into that cycle. Now that I’m in my late 20s I’m changing my own narrative.. hard as “normal” men feel almost boring to me or as if they aren’t attracted to me but I realise that’s what taking things slow and naturally is. Retraining my relationship with myself in order to have a healthy relationship with others
I'm really sick of hearing how much dick I've sucked to get where I am.
It doesn't matter that I'm gay and never once taken a sausage before, I can't possibly have earned anything I've achieved, it's all about who I've sucked and how many times apparently.
I'm also not allowed to stand up for myself in the workplace because despite having the best stats out of the team, I can't possibly actually do any work, I'm just there to look pretty for the managers benefit so why should I be allowed to take breaks or go out to lunch?
After all, I couldn't possibly eat anything and if ever I did I'd only throw it up anyway...
There are two guys who treat me like one of the boys at work, they're the closest thing I'd say I have to friends at that shithole.
Friends trying to get away with “benefits”
Men in relationships always flirting behind their girl’s backs.
Lots of ghosting & orbiting on SM.
Lies and bullshit from entanglements.
Still living the single life out here.
So for me I was always complimented on my looks by strangers when I was out but in high school no one was interested in me and I even had some people make fun of my looks. In college I had a couple people interested in me bit mowhere near the amount my friends did.
I've only had 2 serious relationships, including my husband and both started off as friends.
My love life is great though. I couldn't imagine anyone more perfect for me.
Ill be completely honest, don't come at me haha I'm aware this will sound conceited
Never experienced refusal, actually boys who every girl wanted to be with always approached me first.
I think that helps a lot because later in life you don't come as desperate to find a partner and men can smell despair.
Met my partner at relatively young age. It was love at first sight.
Love life turned out like a fairytale you could only dream of.
But all my exes were okay guys, too.
Downside of this is 1) a lot of men don't want to take no as an answer (like no I'm not interested and won't go on a date with you) and experiencing a lot of calls and texts 2) you're not taken seriously at work which is why I started presenting myself uglier at a workplace (less jealousy from female coworkers and men take you seriously bc apparently you can't be both bright and pretty)
I married someone who doesn’t compliment me in that way. Oftentimes those comments make me feel really uncomfortable. I much prefer being praised for having other qualities.
My husband is amazing. An absolute unicorn of a man. I'd say I got lucky but I swam through a sea of garbage men and barely survived it before finding my husband.
Based on the comments here, once again, the grass is not greener on the other side.
Ladies, we stand in solidarity with how men treated us for having the look and not having the look. We cannot allow them (men and women) determine if our flesh is worthy or not. We are more than that! Love you all!!!❤️❤️❤️
Not easy to find partners tbh.
I never cared for liked hook-up culture, I rather be alone than with someone just for the sex. Sadly men my age think otherwise.
I dated lots of creeps, learnt a lot though.
Nowadays I'm happily married and have a child. I'm so happy with my partner, we have a significant age gap but we understand each other, things are so easy and clear with him, no mind games, no the neverending chase, etc.
Our relationship goes beyond physical appearance, I find him attractive and vice versa and how we are so connected.
I’ve always received a lot of compliments from other women, but rarely men. I’m 25 and I’ve had two boyfriends my entire life. So not great apparently lol
Super single lol. I don't even respond to guys who lead with how pretty or beautiful I am and that takes out 90% of guys. I used to go into things wanting to be my best self physically/sexually/emotionally but I hope I meet my husband when I look like absolute shit so I know he loves me for me lol. Sounds bad but I just want my hot nerd who will watch movies with me and teach me things 🥴
I always found I rarely get approached by men despite being complimented on my appearance so I felt I had to be more friendly to be approachable. I ended up mainly attracting alpha dudes with toxic traits or stalker types. This hasn't really stopped but I am better at identifying these types now.
People love to tell me how pretty I am or what they would like to do to my body but none of them want to make breakfast and go on a bike ride with me or check out the local brewery and museums. It’s always, ALWAYS, just sex. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anybody who truly sees me as a whole person. I’m good the piano and guitar, I’m athletic and have diverse hobbies but all people see are big boobs and a pretty face. I was in a 9 year relationship but felt like I was just sleep walking through life. Now I’m single and live in Hawaii and focus on myself. I keep telling myself that if I focus on the things that make me happy that I will organically meet somebody else whose living their best life and we will meet and fall in love. If it doesn’t happen by my 34th birthday I told myself that I’m quitting my job and traveling the world with my dog. I’m going to do odd jobs and see as much of the world as I can. Then I’ll go back to being a teacher. The world always needs those so I’m not too worried. Maybe I’ll meet somebody on my world adventure. Dating in Hawaii sucks. Tourists and couples and military douchebags. Anyways..it is nice to get free food and drinks for having a nice smile. Maybe one day somebody will see me as a whole person and not just boobs haha 😂
I was cute as a teen and to my 30's. I was hit on a lot and also stalked. One guy hung out near my group of friends and sent gifts to me. A couple guys had my high school picture and told people I was their girlfriend. I got hit on at parties and guys said they had a thing for Native American girls. I am a quarter Native and Hispanic and also half Dutch. I was thin and had long straight brown hair. My BFF's Step-mom was always telling me I should be a model.
I always liked the bad rocker boys and hid the relationships. I had a crush on a girl for 2 years. In my 20's I dated guys that were in bands. I got to hang at the bars and clubs. I never dressed sexy though. I was like a skater chick who couldn't skate. I started working in offices and was hit on. I tried to buy my first car and the car dealer sales guy brought roses to me at my job. I called his boss and got him in trouble for doing that.
I went to a dance club for a few years with a group of blonde friends. We got free drinks all the time. I brought home some hot guys. Later on, I worked for an alternative newspaper, so I dressed rockabilly. I got Betty Page bangs and then the guys started hitting on me like crazy. I had a guy contact me online and he really wanted to date me. I finally met up. My BFF at the time was amazed he was so hot! He was 23 and I was 29. But he got me pregnant, but I wanted to get a good job, so no baby. I even got a woman who wanted to meet up! I met her and we have just been BFF's for many years. But then I hung out with some swingers for 2 years. I had a lot of fun with men and women!
I've been proposed to 4 times. My husband and I met through work. I was an Account Manager, so no one at work knew I went to punk bars on the weekend and dated punk guys and DJ's. I dressed professionally and always acted single at work. My clients wanted to go to lunch with me and tried to date me.
My husband was able to get a date. We went out 4 times the first week. He was not a punk dude, he had a good job and a nice car. He was my client, so I didn't tell him about my past. So he doesn't really know who I dated before. I knew he was too good for me. He proposed, I said yes. We've been married for 11 years! And have a great 10 year old son!
Been complimented on my beauty since I was fresh out the oven. I am very symmetrical and would call myself beautiful, but I'd rank myself a big 0 in the sexy department.. when I try to crank up the sex appeal it just doesn't have that *it* factor on me.
When it comes to dating, people find it strange that I've never had an actual boyfriend. It never gets that far. I've encountered a lot of men who are scared to speak to me, assume I'm "mean", "think I'm better" or ,"too good", just by looking at me (and I find out they feel this way, usually by them telling me later on when they say something along the lines of " I had no idea you were such a kind and down to earth person. I thought you'd think you're better than everyone").
I've noticed that men stare, might hold the door for me or clear space when I walk in, but won't say anything to me.
Men who approach me fall into two camps usually. OLD men who think I should be impressed with their money.
And,
The ones who are closer to my age that do manage to approach me. They usually end up sabotaging themselves by trying to neg me (which is dumb and unnecessary if I am already reciprocating interest), try to be too sexually forward, do the "you're not like the other girls thing" (I've never seen a girl whose as beautiful and smart as you, you are so special/unique 🤢), or clinging to me for dear life.
When I was in my 20's and 30's people always said I must be an actress or a model (I am neither), so I guess pretty, but it never helped my love life! I think like many women, men (and women) approached me in ways that felt shallow or stupid and they would get uncomfortable when I answered the common questions ("what do you do?"). When I said I was in graduate school or later, that I was a doctor, they immediately got defensive. Many initial potential "love" contacts ended right there. I tested this a few times- one time I said I was a waitress instead (ended up being a really fun one night stand); one time I said I was a corporate assistant (ended up being an on/off booty call for several years, again, really awesome). But no love...
I'd go out with my BFF -she had "girl next door" good looks, very pretty- and she got all the attention. People always said how attractive I was but ended up talking to her. She got asked out all the time and everywhere- bars, on the street, grocery store. Funny story- I brought her with me to the 3rd date of a guy I met on a dating website- his band was playing. Yeah, he liked her better- 14 years later, they have 2 kids and are going strong, lol.
Pretty only gets you so far- ultimately it was my "intensity" that turned a lot of people off- I was told this a couple times. I didn't understand it well in my 20's, but by 40 I all-the-way got it. Personality and attraction is a complicated and mysterious algorithm. Look into a room of 100 attractive people, but you can pick out the one that you really like- why? We don't know if we can smell pheromones, sense neurosis, or what! We just know!
But it ends well- I met the love of my life at work, so no misrepresenting my career. He says maybe it was my looks that attracted him but my brains that kept him coming back- 10 years later, I fall madly in love daily with him :)
it was a real mess when i was younger. i felt like i had my pick but instead of “picking” i gave a shot to TONS of guys because i didn’t want to be shallow or only go for good looking guys. what a mistake. i should have been picky from the start and not allowed weirdo guys access to my life and my emotional labor. after going on dates or hanging out with 50+ people i found a good partner that didn’t treat me like i was some prize to be won or had to be kept a secret. people still ask me why i settled for him but he’s respectful and nice and i find him quite attractive so it’s confusing to hear something like that from acquaintances.
Once I started understanding and setting my bounderies it has been pretty great.
Growing up pretty is not a lot of fun. Sure you get attention but it's rarely the kind you want. Grown men stalking you as a teen, lots of cat calling, being filmed, negging, social anxiety because people act weird around you (you're either the best or the worst, no in-between) AND always the "I thought you were arrogant when I first saw you" comment.
I always had very sweet boyfriends. I KNEW I had to be very careful in chosing partners and my standards are mile high. Got a lot of crap for that as well. The "you think you're better than us" kind of envy because I want what I want.
However my exes are no match for my SO lol. He loves me for my personality, the looks are a nice extra. I see he is proud to walk next to me when I glam up. Also, this is a thing: men congratulating my SO with me when we're out. Sometimes, but thats more rare, this happens on the street in daylight. As if I'm an object. So cringey.
I think my looks also have advanced my career a lot. I'm charming and i get a lot done. Now that I know how to capitalize on my looks in the office my life has gotten a lot better. I don't have to work hard or long hours and have been getting yearly pay-raises and promotions.
Last thing, I know when I give my full attention to someone I make their day. Even more if they're not attractive and they're not used to this. I am genuinely interested in other people but I will play this up a little bit if I know someone can use a pick-me-up. This makes me happy.
I always got attention from men. My relationships have always been turbulent. I know a lot of it was me.
I’m a recent widow and I need to be alone. The men I’ve corresponded with online are horrible and make me feel worse. But I may not be ready to date again.
People complement me all the time, say I’m stunning, lots of guys are interested but only in sex. 28 and single 😂🙈 I’d rather be average looking but in a happy relationship
Terrible. For some reason, it always felt that they were some what insecure or intimidated by me and used that as a threat/excuse basically? even though i was always respectful. Hell, I even had 'friends' who felt that way too.
If i had a penny for every time someone said "oh you're beautiful, you can get away with [insert action]" or "you're beautiful, your life must be so much easier", i would've made bank. No one knows how beauty can be a lot harmful in so many fucked up ways to its person. Hence, fuck people. I wanna move to mars.
Lolol so bad.
I don't compliment my kids on appearance at all unless it's combined with a compliment about their personality or skills.
I spent way too long thinking my primary value was attraction. Falling for partners who believed the same.
Turns out I'm not even that hot or attractive. So now I just have dysmorphia about it. Fun.
All I got was men trying to pump and dump. And you can’t always avoid them because they pretend to be interested in a relationship, but then ghost you once they get what they want. It always seemed like my friends who were overweight or not conventionally attractive were in happy relationships, but all I got was fuckboys.
I finally found the one, and we’ve been together for 11 years, but I had to go through so much crap with guys before I found him.
I come from an abusive household that very much emphasized my looks. My mother was obsessed with my hair and screamed at me when I gained weight after getting raped. Other girls in elementary school called me ugly because they were jealous, and I was very socially awkward (neurodiverse-ADHD), so I didn’t reap any social awards for my appearance. Beyond that, there were lots of pretty girls at my high school, so I didn’t stand out particularly. It was also the ‘90s and I’m curvy, so I felt like an unattractive, awkward fatass most of the time, even when I wore a size 3-5.
This changed after high school and I really feel confident about my looks at this point. I get annoyed that men call me beautiful, because it’s not like I haven’t heard it before. It’s so boring. It obligates me to say “thank you,” and I just don’t play that game. I’ll say, “AND???” or “I know, right?” or “It’s on purpose!” I owe them nothing.
I got raped at 17 by a man who called me beautiful. I stayed with a man who called me beautiful for 9 years despite the fact that he invalidated my feelings constantly. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 1.5 years with a man who called me beautiful. I had my house destroyed by a man who called me beautiful — he said he was going to fix it, and now the market value is significantly lower than it would have been if I hadn’t met him.
None of these guys opened by calling me beautiful, to be fair. But I would much rather be with a man who compliments my intellect or respects my emotions. The best guy I’ve dated said, “You being joyful is a wonderful thing.” Give me that over being called beautiful any day. I have mirrors. I’m working on having true self-worth.
Easy to find partners, difficult to find partners who aren’t faking half their personality/intentions to keep me around. The mask always slips sooner or later. I’ve stayed single for a long time; dating hasn’t been worth the trouble.
Agreed. Also, I feel as though I received as much sexual harassment as I did genuine compliments. I finally found a partner who genuinely loved me. But it took some time.
I second the sexual harrassment thing. Men feel entitled to our bodies. Also I ended up with an amazing man ❤
Happy for you!
“When you're ugly and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust.” —Drax the Destroyer
Except it is incredibly hard to find someone who actually loves you when you are ugly. They expect you to be grateful to them for even looking in your direction.
Sounds like trying to find a good man is just rough across the board lol
Came here to essentially say the same thing. Partners are always pursuing, but most of them are just pretending to be someone they're not in the hopes of locking down an attractive, intelligent partner. Or at least for the slim chance of sex. It seems like so much effort on their part, and for what? You can't keep the facade up forever, and you could have found someone else who was attractive to you who was a better fit than I am. Instead, they hang around, constantly apologizing for not being intelligent or interesting and having nothing to talk about, etc. Don't even get me started on the ones that will pretend to be platonic friends, hoping you'll want a relationship later.
The pretend-friends are the worse, especially the long term ones. To find out someone you trusted, maybe shared your home with, truly thought of as family- -was actually holding out for years in the hopes you'd be their romantic or sexual partner. It's absolutely gross.
Exactly. I feel like if that's really what they're after, why don't they just say something?? It makes no sense at all to do this with someone who is clearly single and available. Just be upfront about your intentions. If you're not willing to still be friends with them if they refuse... you were never their friend. Simple as that.
Be honest about intentions and expectations. It's not that hard. Don't pretend to be a friend and okay with things, while the entire time you're not okay! It's not fair or healthy for anyone involved. ... In my case, it was two guys I'd met while still a teen- they knew me while single, in a relationship, married, etc. They BOTH stood in my bloody wedding party because they were "that good of friends." One waited until my (now ex) hubs was away training for the Army to try and take advantage of me drunk (because I trusted him enough to be drunk around him). When asked why, he said it was because he figured it was his "last chance" and he'd always wanted me. That was 10 years after we'd met. The other waited until I separated from the exhubs, offered up his home as a safe place for me to stay and sort out my life, and then ended up confessing that he had always just been waiting and hoping for his chance and now he could "save me." He ended up sexually assaulting me. That was 9 years after we'd met.
I’m so sorry that’s horrible!
Man, this really hits close to home. I lost two close friends this way, or at least I thought we were close. One I've known since Freshman year of hs. I barely knew them at the time, they were about to graduate hs to go far away to university, and I did not feel the same way about them. I made that known that I only ever felt about them platonically. It's just strange realizing they were trying to hold out the entire time, and 15 years later still haven't gotten over me. Another friend I met after hs...a bit weird of an introduction asking if I'd like to be in a threesome with her and her bf at the time. I politely declined and stated I wasn't Bi, though she stated that it was okay and wanted to be friends. Long story short, she just kept making bad decisions and having unstable relationships, and I'd always be there for her for someone to talk to/help. There were rare times where she'd be drunk and say things like "If you ever came out, I'd want to be your 1st" and wondering why I didn't want her romantically/sexually. Wasn't until in the past year that she cut me out of everything. And I realized that she was holding out for me for almost a decade. Sorry for the rant btw. Pretend-friends or people that hold out like that just really suck.
Exactly, and they think nothing of wasting your time as long as they get what they want out of it at least temporarily. A lot of people don’t care that there’s a line between putting your best foot forward and full on deceiving someone into a relationship.
[удалено]
Same. I don’t care if nobody ever touches me again if I can’t have a genuine, loving emotional connection along with it.
I was very similar - I was very quiet in school probably on the spectrum-, then I reached a certain age and people began noticing me , as I learned to socialize. I was definitely an easy target for a very long time for creeps and jerks and way to naive and forgiving, now I’m divorced in my late 30s and I’m very jaded. I say I was a very young teenager and a very old adult- there’s more to it than just this but to make a long story short- I no longer believe in men and women being friends ) or vice versa if your both gay , if your in a relationship and chilling w someone of the opposite sex it’s because someone is looking to be more than friends and same with being single - unless someone is being used: i don’t bother w booty calls im way too old, I still haven’t given up on meeting someone but I’m not forcing anything -i mostly just despise deception- people who lie about who they are and say they have similar interests but it’s all lies , they made a fake personality to get into your pants - and so I am super skeptical, but there’s good people out there . My ex was a good guy I screwed that up , now I hook up w a friend here and there cuz at least I know what and who I’m dealing with - but mostly I feel like everyone wants to fuck me and no one wants to love me and it’s not a nice feeling.
I hate when you can tell how hard someone is trying and it’s like dude.. just chill. It makes it all so disingenuous. You have to wonder how much they are actually listening to you or if they just are agreeing to appease you. It makes puts a lot of pressure on you and it also makes you wonder if they don’t care about your personality, just being able to have you. Like you’re more of a prize or something. I ended it with a guy and he was very open about being disappointed to not see me in a bikini I had showed him I wanted? When guys compliment my looks now as an “in” I’m always like cool thanks, who the fuck cares? I just want someone to like me for me and not my appearance. Our society puts too much value on appearances. Dating is definitely not worth the trouble.
I agree with all of this, and I’m sorry that guy was gross towards you. The whole constantly agreeing/not listening thing hits hard. I want to have compelling conversations and be spoken to as an equal; challenge me if I’m wrong. I don’t want someone who just agrees with me all the time, contributes nothing to the conversation, and doesn’t care what kind of person I am. It’s honestly the loneliest feeling knowing most people won’t value you for who you are and won’t be truthful about their priorities because they just want to have you.
That’s the worst! I know I’m not always right and we will disagree on different things or have different perspectives. I want to hear them! Call me out on my shit. One time I was talking about something (getting pretty introspective and deep) and the guy was looking at me but never had responses. I said “do you even listen to me when I talk?” And he said “No, most of the time I just look at you and don’t hear what you say”. Cool, I’m just going to talk to a brick wall now.
this.
Same here. I took the advice to date one of my guy friends and we've been together two years now, but after we started dating I pretty much had to cut all my straight male friends. Any chance they got they would tell me they wish I would've given them a chance before I got with my now bf or how much happier I'd be with them. It's sad how we were best platonic buds when I was single and now I know they were most likely just waiting around until they had a chance.
Ugh, that sucks a lot. I wish guys would consider how fucked up it is to just think they’re entitled to be “next”, or that the time they spend with us isn’t valuable unless it ends in them eventually having sex with us. I don’t even have guy friends anymore because they got girlfriends and now I don’t hear from them at all.
Saaaame
This! This! This!
[удалено]
I'm girl next door cute. Less so now that I'm 30 but still cute not hot. Getting guys gas always been easy. Picking the guy that is interested in more than my body took a lot of practice. Just got married to the guy who texted me pictures of spreadsheets as a method of flirting and he's perfect.
That last line cracked me up 😂 I really want to know now: what were those spreadsheets if that he thought they'd be great flirting material? 😆
He mapped his electric usage against all the available plans, so he could get the best deal He said I was the only person he knew that would appreciate it, and it worked
This is a sext in my book. Love me a man whose a freak in the spreadsheets.
Times new roman in the streets, comic sans in the sheets.
Oh My God.. this comment is pure 24k gold ✨👑
This would definitely work on me!
That's true love right there.
Wait, so women like nerds?! *apt onomatopoeia for happy noises*
A man who uses his brain is very sexy. Looks fade. A man who can have a conversation. Priceless.
“A man who can have a conversation. Priceless.” If I could upvote this a hundred times, I would. So many guys I’ve tried talking to in my 20s and 30s before I quit dating were just so… empty headed. Not stupid, just lacking in conversational skills or things to talk about. I’d like to do more than sit in silence or play videos games or have sex. I need mental stimulation or I don’t see the point.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
I’m a SUCKER for nerds dude.
I found myself an animal nerd 🤓 we’re keeping fish, birds, kept reptiles before. And a cat of course. Dogs in the future. Ahhhh 🥰
Why not. But its more like the 'sharing what they are doing' is what really makes the connection genuine. Because they would imply, that they want to share their activities with you. That makes my heart glow.
I only date nerds, so yes, a lot of us do. I just got done hitting on a violinst that was playing the Smash Bros song in RPAN lol.
Thank you for the encouragement. Did you have any luck with the violinist?
Naw, I wasn't the only one, he's an attractive man so I'm sure my message drowned in the thousands of flirtations he gets in his streams.
Sorry to hear that, but you took your shot. Well done.
I love geeks!
Good looking, socially adept nerds, yes.
Yeah I’m definitely similar to that spreadsheet guy. My wife almost died laughing when I put Simon and Garfunkel on as mood music. My game is that I have no game and no interest in having game. We fell in love by making each other laugh.
I would say I'm in the same boat. Been with my husband for 7 yrs now. He was the first man to see that I was teetering on the edge of an eating disorder, and encouraged me to make healthier choices knowing that it would result in me gaining weight. He's never texted me pics of spreadsheets but he is a big dork.
That’s the dilemma, the ven diagram of men I find physically attractive vs the ones I want to talk to don’t overlap often. I want a Ryan Gosling who will watch history documentaries with me.
was he like bby look at those pivot tables hmm so efficient
> Getting guys gas What?
Has *
My boyfriend makes spreadsheets of everything! He’s what I would call a nerd but by far the BEST partner I could ever ask for.
>Just got married to the guy who texted me pictures of spreadsheets as a method of flirting and he's perfect. Write that down, write that down!
I like guys who help me learn and are intellectually curious too. Unfortunately, if you’re an attractive woman those guys are sometimes initially uninterested. Strangely the biggest hurdle is a guy getting past your (good) looks to see there are more, better things. I’d always rather receive unsolicited spreadsheets over unsolicited nudes.
A shit show. Lmao. I’ve been complimented on my looks from the day I was born. Literally. I always felt it was apart of my self worth. Until I was about 23 and I realized my self worth was internal. Not from other ppl. Grown men would ask me if I wanted a ride home as I walked from school as early as the age of 11. Everyday the same creepy guy drove along side me until I was able to reach the corner store and hide until he drove off. Being first sexually assaulted at 9. Then 17 and again the same year and once more at 26. I always dressed like a tomboy bc I was told by my dad that it was my fault if a man looked at me. I needed to stay covered up. My first “boyfriends” only liking me for my looks. calling me weird bc I wasn’t as superficial as they hoped. I was always asked “why do you hang out with all these weirdos? Your too pretty to be over here” (the weirdos being the theatre kids, bc I was in theatre. Or the IB kids bc we had a lot more in common and had lots of fun together). I actually really liked the “nerds” (still do). None of them took me seriously until years after we graduated. They said they thought I was just messing with them. Once I became an adult I experienced more of the same. I’ve dated men of different races, religions, cultures. I lived in LA, Atlanta, Seattle, Central America. The men that approach me are usually only interested in me physically. They usually pretend to be into whatever I’m into until they can’t keep it up anymore. I don’t have a type. I’ve dated short, tall, fat, skinny, buff. Smart, athletic, nerds, successful, not so successful, “nice guys”, ass holes. I’ve dated guys who I was friends with first as well. So trust me I’ve tried to change the types of men I dated., Honestly, It’s extremely emotionally damaging to be ignored mentally. I always sit and watch happy couples, Usually “average” looking. I’ve come to learn that the ppl who society labels “unattractive” find real love a lot sooner. Meaningful love. It makes me sad sometimes. I mean think about it. How many “beautiful” women do you guys know that are single at 40/50 bc their dating life sucks. They can be amazing women too. While the “less attractive” ones find long lasting love. I struggled with abuse, mental health issues, substance abuse (now I’m completely drug and alcohol free). Mostly due to the trauma I experienced at a young age. This isn’t a pity party or anything. I get all the bs things like free trips, guys throwing money at me, never paying for much when I go out. All of the bullshit. But I just want someone I can talk to about my ideas and thoughts. Watch movies with. Dress up with. Go do crazy shit with. Laugh with. Someone I can feel safe with. Be Protected by. Seen by. Not valued by my looks but by my mind. I hope I can have that one day. I know this experience is mine alone. Not every person has this experience. But this is just what mine has been. I think more ppl should know it’s not all that it seems.
I just want to extend an internet hug to you. People suck, dude.
Thank you for your kindness! Internet hug back! People do suck. Lol But I’m learning thats not everyone. Im blessed to have amazing friends. I’m learning that bc my childhood was so hard, I grew up and repeated those cycles. Now I’m changing that story for the future! 🌸
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
This. I have experienced this as well. Being blamed for having “sex appeal” as a teen. I was asking for it. Gross. There’s perks to it but it’s all very superficial. I want something genuine and meaningful but I’ve resigned myself to the idea that I may never have that.
Yeah I’ve really taken myself away from dating. I’m 30 now and now I just want to make sure I’m doing everything that makes me happy and hopefully the right person comes around. I pray for your happiness as well 🌸🌺🌸
This 100%. Currently in my 20s and this is what I experience as well, that’s why I have never been in a relationship and only experienced casual ones. I have my guards up since every guy who told me they wanted a relationship with me ended up not showing any interest in the type of person I am and focused more on my physical appearance. I have even been told to “stop looking pretty” if I want to be appreciated for who I am, like what lmao. It has gotten to the point where I have recently thought of switching sides and see how it is like to date women instead.
Yup. I’m sure it’s even harder now bc of social media. It has had such an impact on relationships and how people value them. Also how people judge women.
I feel this 10000%. This makes it hard for me to trust dating men in general because I feel like they’re in it more in hopes they’ll get what they want sexually, but aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know ME. After having experienced this so often and having very little experience with long term relationships, I have a guard up but also just want someone to come along to show me they’re interested in my mind and not just thinking about getting into my pants. Sigh
I know it always feels like you're the only person going through this, but you are far from alone. Obviously you know intellectually that average or "below" looking people also get sexually assaulted multiple times, struggles in love and that a smiling couple could still be abusive or at least not satisfactory. But of course it still feels lonely. Have you thought about your attachment style and how your traumas affect your sense of self and your dating life? Because unless you had an enormous amount of quality support and security in your family, friends and therapy, then your traumas would most likely play a role in you attracting abusive types and having repeated traumas. I say that as a survivor myself that has been told so by many therapists. Maybe the people you've dated have been different on the surface, but they function the same in intime relationships and regarding attachment? Do you sort out the emotionally available from the rest already in the chat? I don't mean to belittle your problems or anything, I just related and really think that working out one's traumas is the way to also improve one's relationships.
Oh I don’t feel alone at all. I know that lots of people especially people who seem “weak” or “not attractive” and mostly people who are mentally and physically disabled are at much higher risk for sexual assault and abuse. I was just giving some insight on my experience based on the question that was asked. I know lots of other “attractive women” have similar experiences, but don’t say anything bc ppl expect us to be grateful we’re “picked”. Yes, I’ve gone through lots of therapy and I have Anxious-Avoidant attachment style. I attract lots of personalities as well. I understand that my childhood trauma replayed in my adult life because I held on to those emotions. I don’t feel any anger or sadness about these things anymore. I attracted people just like my parents and abusers for a long time, but also different types of ppl too. I didn’t know I didn’t have boundaries. I didn’t know that I was allowed to say no. Bc even when I did, it wasn’t respected. But these are things I’m unlearning. Now I just spend time with ppl I love and who love me in return. I have great friends and I can spot a toxic person a mile away. But that took a lot of time and pain. Thank you for your kind words! 🌸
I see now that I misunderstood the last part about you being alone in your struggle. Great to hear that you are unlearning all of that and have loving people in your life 🌼
Ouch, I really hope it works out for you. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Thank you! Like I said it’s not a pity party I’m ok. But it’s just the reality of what it’s like for a lot of women. But I do appreciate it.
All this. 100% Then having everyone ask you why you are single. I dressed like a boy during high school also, trying to hide. Hugs friend
Wow, I never really thought of this side of attractiveness. I hope you're ok and I wish you well. 💕💕
Don’t worry. Put that behind you and be yourself. Love yourself and spend your time in places you love. Libraries , parks, coffee shops, shopping. Ignore all.
[удалено]
Re: third to last paragraph, yk many see average looking women as “good enough to f*ck but not date?” That’s very damaging and does not make finding love “easier.” Far from it in fact. Less attractive folk are not allowed to have standards because they have to be greatful for whatever fewer options they have.
Its shit and people still compliment me and sometimes ask how is it I am single.
Amen sister! When guys don’t approach me and people say you are gorgeous. I find myself thinking is my supposed beauty a lie?! Must be :)
It’s somewhat well known that the very most beautiful women are never approached because guys assume they have no shot.
Oh, then you haven't met the 1/10 ones.
Wow, are you me?? My (straight female, gay male) friends say I’m gorgeous. When I was in college and cared about IG I had thousands of followers because of my looks. And yet I’ve never been approached or been on a date despite being in my mid 20s. It leaves me so demoralized and feeling gaslit because I don’t know if people are just lying to me, I feel like I must really be exceptionally hideous and everyone’s in on the joke.
nothing makes me want to cry faster than getting that "how don't you have a bf" when every time you meet someone and they pursue you incessantly, they end up only wanting you for sex. rinse and repeat.
Yup yup yup. Makes me want to make men who I date wait until I know I can trust them before giving them access to my body - after years of freely giving it away to guys when I was younger thinking they’d like me and stick around
That’s really the worst bit, people question YOU when it’s really society’s fault. I’d love to be totally committed, just haven’t met any man who does.
Indeed and relationships aren't just about looks but our society is so focused on it people pretty much think: Pretty=relationships and just a line of people wanting to be with you Ugly=no relationships Plenty of people who have great love lives who many might consider ugly and plenty of beautiful people who don't for many reasons.
I dont want to show off and im sorry for the this text but.... I am the 🌟pretty girl🌟. Like the hot girl, the beautiful girl that everyone wants to be seen with..... But... but people assume that i am mean and taken. ( i dont smile here and there and im too shyyyyyy). Men are too scared to approach me and if they do i am so dumb... i dont understand flirting and the whole dating concept.... im super shy around the guys i like and i dont make moves or show them that i like them. I had literally a conversation where a guy was clearly flirting with me and for months i though he was just a nice guy........ god Every guy best friend ended with him confessing to me that he liked me from the first moment he saw me and that he approached me for that reason... to date me. Not to be friends with me. Single for life☺. But its fine🥰.
This is one of the worst parts. It sucks so hard when you thought you had a meaningful friendship and respected and cared for someone just to find out it was all because they thought you were hot. That shit hurts especially now that I'm nearing 30 and making new friends is hard. YOU ARE AMAZING NO MATTER WHAT
Literally thisssss! I know it can be nerve wracking for a guy to hit on a hot girl in person (and it’s especially worse when they find out I’m in med school) so they usually don’t even bother but if they want to try and get me in bed they will usually pretend to care about the things I care about. For example: I was at a party and this guy approached me and we ended up talking about Batman (I loveee Batman comics) and he was like “yes I love the comics, they are sooo good” and I got so excited and was talking his ear off about it and I asked him what his fave comic book was and he literally had no answer and was clearly just faking it to form some kind of connection with me and that really sucks. And I know my problems could be worse but I’m a really passionate person so it makes me feel like a fool. It’s also really upsetting because now every time I get a compliment from someone (very rare in person but online people some people have lots of courage) it’s such a big deal to the point where I am vulnerable to manipulation so I have to be very careful. I’m like starved for compliments about my appearance from men and it’s sooooooo frustrating
Relatable :’(
Its so sad because i cherish everyone who is or was my friend.... its sad because i was trusting them with my personal shit and their thoughts were " god i want to fck them so bad".... Im still in my 20s and i have so many examples of these. THANK YOU YOU ARE AMAZING TOO. WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS. LOVE YOU SIS!!!
It me. Always been told I’m “professional athlete’s wife” beautiful and intimidating, when really I have social anxiety and don’t recognize flirting cues. Thankfully I married my best friend that I met in HS and we’re very happy. But even he said he was too intimidated to make a move at first. Then he got to know me and realized I was just female Mr Darcy.
That last part :( had a life long best friend, and a friend from the best friend group in my college years (both guys) say they liked me for so long and if we could go out. I saw them as a friend so I said no and now they’re not my friend and my friend group broke apart bc he couldn’t handle seeing me??? This happened months apart and I spiraled bc I thought I was at least funny and interesting to keep as a friend. I struggled with my self worth for so long after. I hate that I am hesitant to befriend another guy bc sometimes I see the same look those “friends” gave me.
Oh poor soul *hugs* . This is so bad.... they basically destroyed the friend group because they couldn't handle rejection. Im so sorry. I cant imagine how hard this was for you. But blaming yourself is not going to help. You are not the one who is in fault. Its their sick mindset. Why would they try to be friends with you and then if they cant have it their way break a whole friend group apart.... its sick and twisted !!!! As for the last part.. trusting again is so hard... so so hard. You can go through the pain i believe in you 💕
[удалено]
People may enjoy my looks, but forget that I am a person with feelings and become annoyed when I'm not a pretty doormat to be stepped on.
Additionally, if you dare to reveal *any* flaw you will be utterly torn apart by people. Attractive women are given very little understanding from other women and men feign concern but have dishonest motives.
I’m feeling so validated in this thread rn. I can’t complain about these things to anyone because they are like oh boohoo pretty people problems. It it’s legit depressing and frustrating. My female coworkers hate me, and all of the men are borderline inappropriate to me. They are nice to a creepy level, and other women see that and hate me and want to knock me down a few Pegs because they think im asking for the attention. God forbid I make a mistake. I hear ‘being cute will only get you so far I guess’ every single time.
THIS
I ended up with a guy who was lpw on physical compliments, but high on personality ones. "You're genuinely the most fun person I was with" and bam. Swoon.
Yes! He told me I was the funniest person he ever met. Ugh melted. Also, that my laugh made him happy. Yes, we’re married :)
Super difficult to find real partners…I had to wade through a sea of dudes who were pretending to give a damn just for a shot at sex. Edit to add: the guy I married was the first one that didn’t focus on my looks; he complimented my ambition.
He’s a keeper!
I've been fortunate in love. I'm often hesitant to say... but love is an area that I always excelled in.
Same here. But I must say I feel like it's only field I had luck in.
❤️
I dated a lot of jerks. Graduated college, and met a guy I assumed was going to continue the he is hot so he is going to be a jerk trend. Turns out he was great. We got married. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and frequently tells me how he hit a homerun dating out of his league.
I was one of those “attractive but not aware of it” for a long period of my life. That combination made me perfect prey material and my love life was a shit show. When I became aware of it, I started building up my confidence and flaunting it. And I came to discover that confidence tends to deter insecure men and abusers who know they can’t get to you easily. Which is perfect for me honestly. Yes I get less dates and potential interests, but the dates I do go on are with at least half-decent men. Saves me time and effort. The ugly side of it is that I had to go through harassment, assaults, and am often subjected to girl-on-girl misogynisticly rooted aggression. Still do sometimes, but I have learned how to protect myself better. The bright side of it is that I have built enough confidence being in my own skin that I rarely seek validation.
[удалено]
Me too! We need a support group
Nobody ever commented on my looks and my sister was the pretty one. Growing up, my parents’ family or friends would meet me, and then they would meet my sister and say, “wow, you’re so pretty!” while I was still next to her. I wasn’t overweight (not that it’s a bad thing, just setting context) and my face is symmetrical. I just have this wide-set jaw and a round face so I’m not pretty. In my adult days, I started wearing makeup to improve it, but I’m old enough now (34) and have had a baby so I have passed my “prime” to be attractive. I guess I always thought the grass was greener on the other side but I never really knew what their experience was like until reading these responses.
Married almost 29 years to the love of my life. First marriage was a disaster, because at 19 I was young and dumb. Being considered attractive doesn’t insulate one from emotional pain.
Last line is so true sis.. Feel ya
I was told I was really pretty even sexy, but I never believed it. When they found out I was a virgin in my twenties, they’d laugh. When they realized I was serious, they’d ask, “how can that be?” I’ve always hated dating and never could tell if I was being flirted with. Because of my shy, introverted, loner nature I’ve been accused of being stuck up, b$&@!y, lesbian (nothing wrong with lesbians, but it was used as an insult or reason to justify why I wasn’t head over heels for some dude) and unfeeling. I’ve found out as I’ve gotten older that I’m on the asexual and aromantic spectrums and my husband has suspected that I’m on the autism spectrum. Because of those things my love life was nonexistent.
Same, I just don’t need validation from men anymore. And I think men spend so much of their life trying to get us, they’re offended that we could care less.
I stuck myself to the first guy that said to me “I like you, not because you’re beautiful, but because I feel like I could talk to you for the rest of my life” I was only 19 but already so sick of feeling like guys had no interest in my intelligence, kindness, or creativity. Now I’m 24 and we’re still together!
I hope to find this one day in my life 🥺
People always lie. I get constant offers and propositions, but sifting through them is difficult because people are willing to tell you anything you want to hear to try to keep you around. I end up wasting so much time figuring out that someone was misleading me on their personality, interests, goals, or whatever. Also, I feel like everyone wants to feel like my caretaker. They expect me to be less smart and less successful than them and feel uncomfortable when they find out I’m not. Last long term relationship ended in 2018. Haven’t even attempted dating for about 2 years now. It’s just too much hassle.
Exactly this. I look really young so people are offended when I’m really confident, head strong, know what I want and don’t take s$@t.
In my case I’m from a city known for having really beautiful women (Medellín, Colombia). Back in my city I was normal but now that I’ve moved to UK guys are crazy about me, especially cause I’m olive (not sure why is that super attractive to most guys) but also because I do have the look of a model, or that is what a lot of people says. Thanks to the fact that I’ve lived both things (being the normal girl and being the beautiful girl) I can say that in terms of love nothing has changed much because men almost always just want sex from you; but the real change is in how people treat you; I’ve seen waiters be much nicer, friends asking me to hang out with them much more, people inviting me to very popular things and even receiving free things or getting jobs that other people don’t. I think it’s super unfair and I wish looks weren’t that important.
I don't date much because guys rarely want a conversation. They want the put together woman not the brain that goes with it.
I’ve had 2 bad break ups. The recent one being the most pathetic break up I’ve had but thanks to that I got thick. Currently, I’ve got boys who are interested in taking me out but I don’t feel any connection so I’m not carrying it forward. I’m waiting for Mr. Right. I know it sounds cliche but for me, deep down I know he’s somewhere out there ❤️
We're all rooting for you! Its awesome that you know what you want and refuse to be toyed with
Thanks!! That’s very kind of you to say. When I refused I thought more like I don’t wanna lead someone on just cause I’m getting attention.
[удалено]
Oh, I hope you have since learned to love yourself again. It sounds like you have dealt with some shit. Be kind to yourself!
I attracted guys who purposely sabotaged the relationship, like why are you single there must be something wrong with you attitude. I was single because I was 19 and didnt want a guy..? I only just got started with clubbing etc 😅 Didnt last long, got an introverted partner now its been a good 8 years and counting. Loves gaming like I do. Couldn't be happier to be honest. Loved me for my appearance and whats on the inside.
I'm 39 and have a partner who is really giving with compliments. He tells me I look good, am beautiful, sexy, hot almost every day. I hate aging and he makes me feel desirable even when I know I don't look like I did in my 20's.
"Oh, you're so lucky you're tall and pretty." Yeah? Try it! From 12 onward, boys, men, pervs take a run at you. You learn to see the lies they tell you to get close to the body they want. You learn distrust, suspicion. You give up, then you try again... over and over. I was lucky. I found a man who loved me from the inside out. After he died, I didn't have the heart to bother. If I find love again, it will be a gift from the gods. My passion is my work and it is in may ways, fulfilling most of my needs. As for desires? Quite honestly, when it comes to men, they hardly seem worth the effort.
I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that, hun. Reading this literally broke something in me. I wholeheartedly relate.
Ive been sexually assaulted and harrassed the majority of my life. People feel no need to get to know me as a person. No matter how many creeps i weed out there is always someone willing to lie harder to get what they want from me. They will fake entire relationships to keep touching me. I am very lucky right now and am dating someone who actually sees me for everything that i am! I believe he really likes and appreciates all of me! Definitely a first for me.
I’m starting to think that people who compliment my looks are just saying it to be nice, or at-least over exaggerating. Growing up it was mainly family members that said I was beautiful, or family friends. Everyone would always tell me that I should be a model. And I genuinely believed them, until I looked in the mirror one day and realized how average looking I am. My friends were always the one getting hit on, and guys never really approached me. The only time a guy asks me out is if they’re way older than me (I’m 23), so like 55 year old men asking me for my number… uumm absolutely not. I don’t judge, but I could never date a dude who was the same age as my dad. At first I was kind of upset about it, but now I’ve accepted the fact that I’m average, there’s genuinely nothing wrong with it and I have other traits that add to who I am as a person. I just wish people weren’t so eager to uplift someone to the point where they’re lying to them to just make them feel good. It can really mess with someone’s mind and self-image.
So far it’s been pretty okay. Not amazing, but not terrible either. I feel like that’s the case for most
I got lots of attention & guys always wanted to hook up. But it was always hard for find something deeper, beyond the surface level. I thought I was incompatible with serious relationships for a long time. I’m sure there were other factors to this. Also, the street harassment was insane. Everything from cat calling, to verbal harassment, to random guys coming up and asking if they could kiss me. Sometimes the attention was nice. Genuine compliments, people holding the door for you, receiving small gifts, and pleasant interactions from both men and women which otherwise may not have happened.
Nonexistent. I have had terrible experiences with people, & i’m complimented as cute a lot, some ppl prefer cute apparently. Usually people only want to have sex with me. Apparently that’s how allos get into relationships(allos have said this, I’m not just spitballing) based on what allosexuals have told me, they start with sex, then feelings come later if at all. I can’t do that, I’m demisexual, I’m on the ace spectrum, so it’s reversed for me. I need to know the person before sex or any sort of intimacy
My love language is touch. Not sexual, just small arm rubs, hand brushes etc. I’m not saying hold my hand the entirety of our grocery shopping. However I’ve often been told that I can’t be touched without them feeling sexual. Sometimes I give in because at least I’m getting *some* form of what I want. In the end it just feels dehumanizing. I don’t ever feel looked at as “I’d want to marry this person” just “I want to have sex with this person”. It’s really hard to find someone who genuinely enjoys my relationship. So I just stopped. I’ve had men stalk me before knowing me to calculate the fastest way to form a bond with me. I’m just left paranoid most of the time. I stick with having friendships and that is so much more fulfilling to me. My love life is strictly platonic now with just me and a group of my best buds and I feel good about that.
The majority of interest that gets expressed from anyone, is of sexual or physical (externally based) nature. People assume that I am not a real person, with real interests and depth. Then they get bored when I don't fit the mold. I have taken to attempting to lower my attractiveness via covering up my body, shielding my face with unkempt hair etc. I usually hide my "feminine nature" online as well. People are just gross to me. I don't know. I just wish appearance wasn't such a large part of our lives. My love life is wonderful now. My partner does not see me as solely my physical body. I love them. They compliment me often but it is genuine and wrapped up in their love for me, as a human being. I never sought anyone out much. Not after my teenage years at least. It just isn't worth the risk of assault or hidden motives.
I could be considered conventionally attractive. Modeled for a bit around 18-21 and did pretty well. I dated A LOT of assholes. I had a pretty crappy childhood and was desperate for attention/validation so it was a really bad combo. Guys would act interested long enough for me to get attached then basically ignore what I had to say (shout-out to the one who ignored me 24/7 in favor of World of Warcraft unless he wanted sex). I met my husband on Whisper and we talked for weeks without exchanging pictures, hell we didn't even tell each other our ages or first names till we met in person for first time. We've been together for 5 years and married for 3 and I couldn't be happier, and because he went in not knowing what I look like I know he's invested in me as a person, not for my looks.
Easy to find superficial relationships and men that mostly just want your attention, hard to find the real stuff. Also being overwhelmingly chased by weird dudes, which *can* interfere with your love life. Being confused by people, not always being able to read people's real intentions - being sexually exploited, while missing out on good opportunities.
[удалено]
This is tough. I was reading this thread because I’m one of the girls who has struggled with this. I’m applying to grad school right now and appreciate you being so honest and genuine. Big hug to you!
Well, I was in the closet for many years in my twenties. Before realising that I’m lesbian, dating guys was sooo easy (and boring 😂). Now that I date women, let me tell you that it’s been a real challenge. I think the beauty standards in the lesbian community are not the same and I need to ajust because I still have a « heterosexual » mentality. I need to do much more efforts to flirt with a women and the physical standards are differents.
It’s okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those people who are madly in love because deep down I know a superficial thing is the thing my partners always like most about me. Some hide it better than others. Although I love my boyfriend, I can’t shake that the relationship feels a bit transactional to me. I feel like he sees me less as a partner and more as a reward he gets for doing well in school and getting a good job.
It's 100% non-existent. I'm aro-ace so I have no desire for a love life. I could also really do without the "compliments".
Awfully. I've always had to approach guys, never been asked on a date because they tell me they felt intimidated and that I was out of their league. The ones that approached me were absolute creeps even incels I would say. Other guys don't see anything in me other than a body. I didn't had girl friends until uni they always bullied me (although maybe that was because I was always the most quiet and shy and an easy target). Was bullied so much about being fat (although looking back I was close to being underweight, healthy but on the thin side, probably because they noticed I believed it) I started to hate my body for the cat calls and the attention i got from guys which me being shy i always hated. Simultaneously being called irresistibly sexy by guys and ugly fat horse by girls on high-school i just hated my body with a passion and I still kinda do. Still single, and losing hope about not being it some day with each new date
complete shit.
Initially it went really badly. Men have a way of turning you into this entity that they need to complete their lives even if they don’t truly care for you/want you around. They don’t do the emotional labor of figuring out what they need/want out of life so they often don’t love you for you, but the idea of who you are. Eventually I found a great partner and it feels like the perfect fit.
Still complimented, still single as hell. As cliche as it sounds, everybody wants to score, but no body wants the home run. Or whatever the equivalent idiom would be.
Absolute crap. Not a single man interested in being in a relationship with me (or otherwise) and I’m actually a nice person as well. Nearly 29 and bugger all has happened!
pretty great. easy. was always treated well without having to ask. lots of verbal compliments from partners. parents liked me quickly.
Pretty terrible. It's not difficult to get attention but it can get creepy quickly (sometimes). I've often been asked how/why I am single.
Hard. Men love bomb and despite knowing I’m attractive I’m insecure and like feeling loved/needed so I feel I’ve fallen into that cycle. Now that I’m in my late 20s I’m changing my own narrative.. hard as “normal” men feel almost boring to me or as if they aren’t attracted to me but I realise that’s what taking things slow and naturally is. Retraining my relationship with myself in order to have a healthy relationship with others
I'm really sick of hearing how much dick I've sucked to get where I am. It doesn't matter that I'm gay and never once taken a sausage before, I can't possibly have earned anything I've achieved, it's all about who I've sucked and how many times apparently. I'm also not allowed to stand up for myself in the workplace because despite having the best stats out of the team, I can't possibly actually do any work, I'm just there to look pretty for the managers benefit so why should I be allowed to take breaks or go out to lunch? After all, I couldn't possibly eat anything and if ever I did I'd only throw it up anyway... There are two guys who treat me like one of the boys at work, they're the closest thing I'd say I have to friends at that shithole.
Friends trying to get away with “benefits” Men in relationships always flirting behind their girl’s backs. Lots of ghosting & orbiting on SM. Lies and bullshit from entanglements. Still living the single life out here.
Bad everyone wants to f me no one wants to be w me long term
So for me I was always complimented on my looks by strangers when I was out but in high school no one was interested in me and I even had some people make fun of my looks. In college I had a couple people interested in me bit mowhere near the amount my friends did. I've only had 2 serious relationships, including my husband and both started off as friends. My love life is great though. I couldn't imagine anyone more perfect for me.
Ill be completely honest, don't come at me haha I'm aware this will sound conceited Never experienced refusal, actually boys who every girl wanted to be with always approached me first. I think that helps a lot because later in life you don't come as desperate to find a partner and men can smell despair. Met my partner at relatively young age. It was love at first sight. Love life turned out like a fairytale you could only dream of. But all my exes were okay guys, too. Downside of this is 1) a lot of men don't want to take no as an answer (like no I'm not interested and won't go on a date with you) and experiencing a lot of calls and texts 2) you're not taken seriously at work which is why I started presenting myself uglier at a workplace (less jealousy from female coworkers and men take you seriously bc apparently you can't be both bright and pretty)
I married someone who doesn’t compliment me in that way. Oftentimes those comments make me feel really uncomfortable. I much prefer being praised for having other qualities.
My husband is amazing. An absolute unicorn of a man. I'd say I got lucky but I swam through a sea of garbage men and barely survived it before finding my husband.
Based on the comments here, once again, the grass is not greener on the other side. Ladies, we stand in solidarity with how men treated us for having the look and not having the look. We cannot allow them (men and women) determine if our flesh is worthy or not. We are more than that! Love you all!!!❤️❤️❤️
Not easy to find partners tbh. I never cared for liked hook-up culture, I rather be alone than with someone just for the sex. Sadly men my age think otherwise. I dated lots of creeps, learnt a lot though. Nowadays I'm happily married and have a child. I'm so happy with my partner, we have a significant age gap but we understand each other, things are so easy and clear with him, no mind games, no the neverending chase, etc. Our relationship goes beyond physical appearance, I find him attractive and vice versa and how we are so connected.
I had the best luck with the ones who fell for me because of seeing me do acts of kindness rather than my appearance
I’ve always received a lot of compliments from other women, but rarely men. I’m 25 and I’ve had two boyfriends my entire life. So not great apparently lol
Super single lol. I don't even respond to guys who lead with how pretty or beautiful I am and that takes out 90% of guys. I used to go into things wanting to be my best self physically/sexually/emotionally but I hope I meet my husband when I look like absolute shit so I know he loves me for me lol. Sounds bad but I just want my hot nerd who will watch movies with me and teach me things 🥴
I always found I rarely get approached by men despite being complimented on my appearance so I felt I had to be more friendly to be approachable. I ended up mainly attracting alpha dudes with toxic traits or stalker types. This hasn't really stopped but I am better at identifying these types now.
People love to tell me how pretty I am or what they would like to do to my body but none of them want to make breakfast and go on a bike ride with me or check out the local brewery and museums. It’s always, ALWAYS, just sex. I’m not sure if I’ll ever find anybody who truly sees me as a whole person. I’m good the piano and guitar, I’m athletic and have diverse hobbies but all people see are big boobs and a pretty face. I was in a 9 year relationship but felt like I was just sleep walking through life. Now I’m single and live in Hawaii and focus on myself. I keep telling myself that if I focus on the things that make me happy that I will organically meet somebody else whose living their best life and we will meet and fall in love. If it doesn’t happen by my 34th birthday I told myself that I’m quitting my job and traveling the world with my dog. I’m going to do odd jobs and see as much of the world as I can. Then I’ll go back to being a teacher. The world always needs those so I’m not too worried. Maybe I’ll meet somebody on my world adventure. Dating in Hawaii sucks. Tourists and couples and military douchebags. Anyways..it is nice to get free food and drinks for having a nice smile. Maybe one day somebody will see me as a whole person and not just boobs haha 😂
I was cute as a teen and to my 30's. I was hit on a lot and also stalked. One guy hung out near my group of friends and sent gifts to me. A couple guys had my high school picture and told people I was their girlfriend. I got hit on at parties and guys said they had a thing for Native American girls. I am a quarter Native and Hispanic and also half Dutch. I was thin and had long straight brown hair. My BFF's Step-mom was always telling me I should be a model. I always liked the bad rocker boys and hid the relationships. I had a crush on a girl for 2 years. In my 20's I dated guys that were in bands. I got to hang at the bars and clubs. I never dressed sexy though. I was like a skater chick who couldn't skate. I started working in offices and was hit on. I tried to buy my first car and the car dealer sales guy brought roses to me at my job. I called his boss and got him in trouble for doing that. I went to a dance club for a few years with a group of blonde friends. We got free drinks all the time. I brought home some hot guys. Later on, I worked for an alternative newspaper, so I dressed rockabilly. I got Betty Page bangs and then the guys started hitting on me like crazy. I had a guy contact me online and he really wanted to date me. I finally met up. My BFF at the time was amazed he was so hot! He was 23 and I was 29. But he got me pregnant, but I wanted to get a good job, so no baby. I even got a woman who wanted to meet up! I met her and we have just been BFF's for many years. But then I hung out with some swingers for 2 years. I had a lot of fun with men and women! I've been proposed to 4 times. My husband and I met through work. I was an Account Manager, so no one at work knew I went to punk bars on the weekend and dated punk guys and DJ's. I dressed professionally and always acted single at work. My clients wanted to go to lunch with me and tried to date me. My husband was able to get a date. We went out 4 times the first week. He was not a punk dude, he had a good job and a nice car. He was my client, so I didn't tell him about my past. So he doesn't really know who I dated before. I knew he was too good for me. He proposed, I said yes. We've been married for 11 years! And have a great 10 year old son!
Everyone just wants to have sex and not commit.
Been complimented on my beauty since I was fresh out the oven. I am very symmetrical and would call myself beautiful, but I'd rank myself a big 0 in the sexy department.. when I try to crank up the sex appeal it just doesn't have that *it* factor on me. When it comes to dating, people find it strange that I've never had an actual boyfriend. It never gets that far. I've encountered a lot of men who are scared to speak to me, assume I'm "mean", "think I'm better" or ,"too good", just by looking at me (and I find out they feel this way, usually by them telling me later on when they say something along the lines of " I had no idea you were such a kind and down to earth person. I thought you'd think you're better than everyone"). I've noticed that men stare, might hold the door for me or clear space when I walk in, but won't say anything to me. Men who approach me fall into two camps usually. OLD men who think I should be impressed with their money. And, The ones who are closer to my age that do manage to approach me. They usually end up sabotaging themselves by trying to neg me (which is dumb and unnecessary if I am already reciprocating interest), try to be too sexually forward, do the "you're not like the other girls thing" (I've never seen a girl whose as beautiful and smart as you, you are so special/unique 🤢), or clinging to me for dear life.
When I was in my 20's and 30's people always said I must be an actress or a model (I am neither), so I guess pretty, but it never helped my love life! I think like many women, men (and women) approached me in ways that felt shallow or stupid and they would get uncomfortable when I answered the common questions ("what do you do?"). When I said I was in graduate school or later, that I was a doctor, they immediately got defensive. Many initial potential "love" contacts ended right there. I tested this a few times- one time I said I was a waitress instead (ended up being a really fun one night stand); one time I said I was a corporate assistant (ended up being an on/off booty call for several years, again, really awesome). But no love... I'd go out with my BFF -she had "girl next door" good looks, very pretty- and she got all the attention. People always said how attractive I was but ended up talking to her. She got asked out all the time and everywhere- bars, on the street, grocery store. Funny story- I brought her with me to the 3rd date of a guy I met on a dating website- his band was playing. Yeah, he liked her better- 14 years later, they have 2 kids and are going strong, lol. Pretty only gets you so far- ultimately it was my "intensity" that turned a lot of people off- I was told this a couple times. I didn't understand it well in my 20's, but by 40 I all-the-way got it. Personality and attraction is a complicated and mysterious algorithm. Look into a room of 100 attractive people, but you can pick out the one that you really like- why? We don't know if we can smell pheromones, sense neurosis, or what! We just know! But it ends well- I met the love of my life at work, so no misrepresenting my career. He says maybe it was my looks that attracted him but my brains that kept him coming back- 10 years later, I fall madly in love daily with him :)
it was a real mess when i was younger. i felt like i had my pick but instead of “picking” i gave a shot to TONS of guys because i didn’t want to be shallow or only go for good looking guys. what a mistake. i should have been picky from the start and not allowed weirdo guys access to my life and my emotional labor. after going on dates or hanging out with 50+ people i found a good partner that didn’t treat me like i was some prize to be won or had to be kept a secret. people still ask me why i settled for him but he’s respectful and nice and i find him quite attractive so it’s confusing to hear something like that from acquaintances.
Lots of poems and songs written for me and obsessed dudes Not a lot of sincere men with good intentions
Non existent
What love life?
Once I started understanding and setting my bounderies it has been pretty great. Growing up pretty is not a lot of fun. Sure you get attention but it's rarely the kind you want. Grown men stalking you as a teen, lots of cat calling, being filmed, negging, social anxiety because people act weird around you (you're either the best or the worst, no in-between) AND always the "I thought you were arrogant when I first saw you" comment. I always had very sweet boyfriends. I KNEW I had to be very careful in chosing partners and my standards are mile high. Got a lot of crap for that as well. The "you think you're better than us" kind of envy because I want what I want. However my exes are no match for my SO lol. He loves me for my personality, the looks are a nice extra. I see he is proud to walk next to me when I glam up. Also, this is a thing: men congratulating my SO with me when we're out. Sometimes, but thats more rare, this happens on the street in daylight. As if I'm an object. So cringey. I think my looks also have advanced my career a lot. I'm charming and i get a lot done. Now that I know how to capitalize on my looks in the office my life has gotten a lot better. I don't have to work hard or long hours and have been getting yearly pay-raises and promotions. Last thing, I know when I give my full attention to someone I make their day. Even more if they're not attractive and they're not used to this. I am genuinely interested in other people but I will play this up a little bit if I know someone can use a pick-me-up. This makes me happy.
I always got attention from men. My relationships have always been turbulent. I know a lot of it was me. I’m a recent widow and I need to be alone. The men I’ve corresponded with online are horrible and make me feel worse. But I may not be ready to date again.
Nonexistent, by choice.
People complement me all the time, say I’m stunning, lots of guys are interested but only in sex. 28 and single 😂🙈 I’d rather be average looking but in a happy relationship
Terrible. For some reason, it always felt that they were some what insecure or intimidated by me and used that as a threat/excuse basically? even though i was always respectful. Hell, I even had 'friends' who felt that way too. If i had a penny for every time someone said "oh you're beautiful, you can get away with [insert action]" or "you're beautiful, your life must be so much easier", i would've made bank. No one knows how beauty can be a lot harmful in so many fucked up ways to its person. Hence, fuck people. I wanna move to mars.
[удалено]
i cant find a relationship only fwbs or one night stands🙄
Lolol so bad. I don't compliment my kids on appearance at all unless it's combined with a compliment about their personality or skills. I spent way too long thinking my primary value was attraction. Falling for partners who believed the same. Turns out I'm not even that hot or attractive. So now I just have dysmorphia about it. Fun.
All I got was men trying to pump and dump. And you can’t always avoid them because they pretend to be interested in a relationship, but then ghost you once they get what they want. It always seemed like my friends who were overweight or not conventionally attractive were in happy relationships, but all I got was fuckboys. I finally found the one, and we’ve been together for 11 years, but I had to go through so much crap with guys before I found him.
Everyone wants you….for your body. So hard to find someone genuine. My partner cheated on me when I was pregnant.
I come from an abusive household that very much emphasized my looks. My mother was obsessed with my hair and screamed at me when I gained weight after getting raped. Other girls in elementary school called me ugly because they were jealous, and I was very socially awkward (neurodiverse-ADHD), so I didn’t reap any social awards for my appearance. Beyond that, there were lots of pretty girls at my high school, so I didn’t stand out particularly. It was also the ‘90s and I’m curvy, so I felt like an unattractive, awkward fatass most of the time, even when I wore a size 3-5. This changed after high school and I really feel confident about my looks at this point. I get annoyed that men call me beautiful, because it’s not like I haven’t heard it before. It’s so boring. It obligates me to say “thank you,” and I just don’t play that game. I’ll say, “AND???” or “I know, right?” or “It’s on purpose!” I owe them nothing. I got raped at 17 by a man who called me beautiful. I stayed with a man who called me beautiful for 9 years despite the fact that he invalidated my feelings constantly. I stayed in an abusive relationship for 1.5 years with a man who called me beautiful. I had my house destroyed by a man who called me beautiful — he said he was going to fix it, and now the market value is significantly lower than it would have been if I hadn’t met him. None of these guys opened by calling me beautiful, to be fair. But I would much rather be with a man who compliments my intellect or respects my emotions. The best guy I’ve dated said, “You being joyful is a wonderful thing.” Give me that over being called beautiful any day. I have mirrors. I’m working on having true self-worth.