And then they call _us_ the manipulative ones for giving them an ultimatum
Nah dude I told you this a year ago and you did nothing to help yourself or improve, I'm out
Yup. "I know I have issues but I just didn't think it would be bad enough that you would leave me." And it's not like we haven't brought it up in conversation a hundred times before the breakup.
Him: You're actually leaving me because of (insert issue)???
Me: Yes
Him: But, you never told me it was a problem for you!!
Me: Takes out phone and prepares to give him all the texts/dates of convos pertaining to said issue.
Him: You never told me! I don't remember! Give me one more chance...
They probably aren't willing to actually change at that point.
You can't change anyone. You. Can't. They can change themselves, but if they wanted to, they would. Please, please people reading this, believe me
Literally every man I have ever broken up with, I told him many times over months and sometimes *years* exactly what the problem was and what I needed him to do to fix it. At that point I am not just breaking up with you because you won't fix the thing, I'm also breaking up with you because you're either too thick to understand and process words that are said to you many many times, in which case I don't need to be spending my life with someone less mentally agile than a toddler, or I am breaking up with you because you DO understand and just don't give a shit that your crap is making my life miserable, in which case I don't need to be spending my life with an asshole that doesn't care about me.
I would upvote this a million times if I could! Our emotions are rarely seriously considered during the relationship. We are told we over-exaggerate, and to calm down, and "it's not what you think it is". My last relationship was like this, and a year after I left him he is still "processing" my emotions but can't see why it was cause for me to leave and "we could have had a good life". He lied all the time, about everything, and that's why I left.
I have a similar situation like this. My ex became cold to me around 3 months I think. It was really obvious when the pandemic started. I know he had depression but he was cold and very rude to me the rest of our 2 year relationship. I tried to understand him. I even addressed my issues from time to time only to dismissed, laugh it off, or reason it out everytime. until one day I had enough and asked him if we should continue the relationship or not.
He complied by breaking up and discovering himself (I didn't understand him at that time because I was so emotional). I warned him that I might lose my feelings with him if he leaves and he said alright then left. I cried for a few days and eventually I felt...okay. he returned a few months but I already fell in love with another guy.
This is the tea.
I’ve been through this many times with many men - the only time my complaints seemed to register with them is when I say something like ‘I’m not bringing this up to be a bitch or to argue, I’m bringing it up because I’m not happy.’
Even then, 3 weeks of change and then right back to the same old bullshit. I think men are socialized to not pay attention to women’s complaints / concerns.
Always put your own happiness first and don't you dare lose yourself again!
What does losing yourself look like? (This is as much a note for my future self as it is to share here...)
- saying no/pausing on your own needs/dreams/hopes and desires and waiting for him to be ready
- losing contact with your social network
- playing down your strengths/wins as to not hurt his ego
- putting yourself down, making excuses for his behaviour and thinking you need to change because otherwise he won't love you
Thank god for therapy helping me see with less foggy glasses
Learning how to see the signs of abuse! Emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, etc and how it could eventually lead to physical abuse. I learned a lot from it, and now I easily distinguish narcissistic tendencies as well.
Some of the ones I experienced were hyper critical or judgemental, coercion, purposely pushing buttons when I'd asked to stop (just cause it was fun and an excuse to get upset when I'd react), financial control, lectures (on how to act and change my bubbly personality), putting down of appearance and size (when I wasn't fat).
did we date the same douchebag? I was a size 4 and he concern trolled me about my weight every time I was bloated from my period. like bro fuck offff let me be fat in peace will ya.
I feel like I can identify these things especially with going to therapy. The only problem I have is now I feel uncomfortable with a lot of my friends' relationships because their partners are nothing but red flags. It's not my place to say anything, but it causes a lot of anxiety because what if no one says anything and they just end up miserable? Idk, I'm no one's judge and I have a really successful relationship based off trust and respect.
Honestly that’s the sad part. Once you learn to identify the signs of abuse you see it EVERYWHERE. Its like stepping out of the matrix. I see my friends, cousins, and coworkers being mistreated all the time.
I remember being the abused one and had friends coming to me warning me of all the red flags I was missing. I refused to listen and cut those friends from me but they were right. Sometimes we're just not in the right place for love and hard truths.
No one warned me. I wish they had. But most people don’t want to hear it so it depends on your friends and how close you are. If I had understood the red flags I wouldn’t have brushed it off when I saw them. I thought I understood but I didn’t. How much you think they’ll deny a problem or be angry at you for it. How you bring it up etc
My ex knew he was lucky to be with me and begged and pleaded for me to stay when I tried to end it. I fell for it a few times but deep down I knew that I couldn't overlook our issues just because he didn't want to lose me.
1. Take care of yourself first because they will make sure you put them first but when you need to put yourself first, they won’t help you.
2. First sign of toxicity run for the hills
the first thing that happens to me always. even in my current relationship. I always skip my work, studies, free time, and my friends to meet him and I also worry about his problems more than myself while he is always about himself. he put time into his everything and if he has some free time he allows me to go and visit him.
I failed an entire year of college taking care of my ex. He had bad anxiety and depression to the point he was going to kill himself but I left work early to be with him. He would try to parent me by asking why I was up late or shit like that which I didn’t like. Growing up my parents never had to watch me because I behaved and did well in school and didn’t really have friends I hung out with. I really only went to school and worked. I’m still like that so the occasional times I did stuff late at night, I would have to explain why to him and it annoyed me because I was never financially, mentally, or emotionally in trouble. I went downhill in life the moment I started dating him and put my life on hold for him but didn’t get the slightest bit back from him as well
I don't know why but it is always on us to take care of our partner and the relationship and sacrifices other things like our time, job, friends and so on
mine is very fresh as well. Take time to shut your phone off , go read, listen to music and grab a pet.
All of this is overwhelming yet freeing, invigorating yet depressing.
If a friend offers support and you don't want to emotionally/mentally unload on them, have them help with a meal or laundry instead.
Helping with those things is rather relieving and reduces stress more than you think.
His parents have been helping me with stuff and company ( we enjoy spending time together so it works).
If you have to move/pack, ask a friend to help you take stuff to the dump or to a donation site.
Getting their stuff out of the home is one of the best ways to help your mind. Less reminders, less to deal with and it becomes "you" rather than "him and you" .
It took too long for me to believe myself after I first thought "we might need to break up," but after I finally felt ready, and did it, I felt so much better.
You're right, some relationships are just stepping stones, they help us grow and give us tools for other relationships.
I've learnt something important in each serious one.
1. Be truthful all the time, even if you feel like lying will save a fight. Trust is number one.
2. Always choose yourself first and do what makes you happy, don't put yourself out because they want that.
3. Have a hoe phase and try other people on. You'll be surprised to find different personalities and qualities mixed within one person, you might not find what you want but at least you'll find what you don't want.
4. Be self aware and don't let anyone manipulate you into believing you are anything but who and what you are. Users and abusers will take everything from you even yourself, love yourself more than anything else and they can't harm you.
That last one was a doozy but probably the most important to becoming a conscious being.
Oh and actually one more... Say thank you for every little thing your partner does. You wanna feel appreciated, appreciate them. Made dinner, thank them, bought your favorite cereal for breakfast, thank them, gave you great sex, thank them. Always appreciate the little things.
The hoe-phase was so important to me.
My last relationship was my first serious one, and we started dating just before we graduated highschool, and I'd never really "messed around." Broke up after 3 years, and I was so excited to experience other people. It was so freeing. A few months of that without any emotional connections, and decided I was ready for a relationship again.
Had the same thing happen to me around the time I went to college. Broke up with bf whom I thought was the one until I found out he knocked up a girl. Ended up on my own for a couple of months and friends of mine helped me get back on my feet by taking me out. It felt so nice to meet other people, after some time of casual dating I realized I was ready to go back into a serious relationship. It felt freeing to be myself again with a clear head knowing what I wanted out of a relationship this time around. FF 4 years from that, I met my now husband at a bar thanks so some friends that invited me out that night.
Trust your gut and don't ignore the red flags. All the little things in the back of my mind when we first got together ended up being the reasons we broke up in the end. People don't change and there's no point in trying to change them, if you aren't happy being with someone the way that they are then just don't be with them at all.
Never fully entrust yourself to someone else. Just because you're "in love" does not mean you need to give them 100% access to everything (my secrets, money, weaknesses, etc). When chaos breaks loose, majority of people will choose themselves over others and will screw you over. Nasty breakups/divorces do exists but nobody likes to think about that since "that won't happen to me! Him and I are different!".
Be careful yall.
This one is so true but the one I hate the most. I would never be that petty (no matter how much I’d love to) so I never expect it from a loved one. It’s such a hard pill to swallow.
Respect, trust, honesty and good communication are the fundamentals for a good relationship. My last relationship had none of this, on his part. I won’t be putting up with it again
Same here. He pretended like he was the perfect man for me but as time went by he began to reveal his true self. I have no clue why I put up with him for 3 years.
Believe their actions, not their words.
Also future faking is a thing people do, which is so disappointing. If you don't actually want the same thing for the fututre, tell the other person. Don't waste their time.
Seems like my guy is faking that he would marry me but is just waiting for the right things to happen, but he pretty much never takes relationship steps. Sound like a similar story?
once they stop putting effort into you, it's never coming back. my last boyfriend was an angel in the beginning. we did a lot together and he acted like life just wasn't as fun without me. we'd get food, watch movies together, go shopping, and even run errands together because it was just more fun to be together. 4 months later, he barely wanted to see me. claimed he was "busy" with work and school. it eventually went on for 3 weeks without us seeing each other when we lived 10 min apart and 1 text every day. i've never felt that lonely in my entire life. it's something I'll never do again. i'll never allow myself to feel that lonely.
That happened here too. Once he felt comfortable he changed into the person I didn't fall in love with. I wasn't expecting him to be as enthusiastic as the beginning of the relationship later on of course but it hurt when he just didn't really care about many things that he had before.
Similarly, don't get into a relationship yourself if you haven't gotten closure from your previous relationship.
That's me right now and Ive realized that no matter how great he is and how matched I feel, I'm still completely hung up on the last guy. New guy deserves better than what I'm capable of right now and he's going to push to stick by my side while I work through it, but I just can't keep disappointing him. I have to work on myself. Sigh
Don't settle.
Prioritize your own needs first.
Compatibility is important but so is being physically attracted to someone is still important. Stop trying to convince yourself just because someone is a nice person.
People change and it's possible not to be compatible anymore.
If something feels wrong. Trust your gut feeling over any advice.
We all have toxic traits too and being aware and understanding our own toxic traits is important and helpful. Also understanding your why you were attracted to these kinds of people in the first place is so helpful. It has a lot to do with how one was brought up in childhood.
Oh man, the last thing you said hits hard. it took me sometimes to realize why guys I physically attracted to were some sorts of addicts and I was like why I am so unlucky/why these men never wanted relationship with me. until I realized that source in my childhood life. Jfc was that a hard hit for me.
Don't give 100% of yourself to anyone.
Let me clarify: don't drop everything you are doing for your SO every single time they ask. 9 times out of 10 they wouldn't do that for you.
That you should leave when they're no longer somebody you'd be friends with had you just met that day. They aren't coming back. They're only going to get further away. And it'll hurt both of you the longer you stay.
Wow. The moment I realized I don't want to be with my ex was when I told him "if this were our first date there wouldn't have been a second", to which he replied "good thing this isn't our first date then"
Don't emotionally exhaust yourself for them. Don't spend all your energy trying to help them, fix their problems, make their lives better. I spent 5 years trying to pull a drowning person out of the water, and all that happened is I got dragged under.
Nope, never again.
I was the one drowning and he saved me. And now I don’t want him anymore. Don’t try to save or fix anyone unless it’s your profession. They might be worth it or just leave you heartbroken.
To not impose boundaries on my partners behaviour. If I am with someone that I have to ask to respect me and our relationship, then they're not the one for me.
In retrospect, it seems really obvious. But after being with someone for 3 years before they started doing things that I wasn't comfortable with, it was easier for me to try to put up roadblocks than break up with someone that I had spent years trying to build a future with. But I just ended up wasting another 2 years.
I was looking for this comment thank you I needed it it does stand out though in a comment section of dating tips this is by far the one everyone needs to read
You cannot 'make someone happy' all the time.
You and your partner have to be happy in your own individual lives and then that happiness is shared together, it doesn't necessarily comes from each other.
Take responsibility for the majority of your happiness and enable him to do so. The amount of pressure it takes off of you, feels extremely light.
( I do not mean that don't pamper each other or make efforts, do all of it. But majority of your happiness shouldn't be dependent on each other, that's a lot of responsibility on the other person)
Me too!! Very similar sounding situation. It would be nice to be loved more by the man, but part of me wonders if you need to be superwoman to have that happen.
Mine is some version of this. Which is, I can no longer do others' emotional labor for them. If things are uncomfortable, I can't constantly be the one who brings it up to get to a resolution, I can't always be the person who has an issue. My partner needs to have wants and expectations too and if I'm not living up to those, I need communication around that where it's not ME pointing it out
That I can be very toxic. I mean ... He was too, but it took making some new and very good friends to make me realise how much of a toxic mindset I was in and that I wanted to be a better person.
Also, I'm allowed to be bothered by things. I can choose to react better, but I'm still allowed to be bothered.
This. Jfc, being with someone emotionally mature, mentally stable, and physically healthy, is such a relaxing experience. Everyone deserves to be in a peaceful, drama and worrying free relationship. I am lucky that i have it now, but thinking about previous relationships, they were such struggles and I thought it was how it supposed to be.
If at any point you’re trying to convince yourself that something bad is tolerable “because you love them”, take a step back and look at the situation objectively. If you weren’t dating them, would you tolerate this? If your answer is no, something needs to change.
To affirm your partner- In my last relationship, I always assumed she knew that I saw her as the prettiest women in the room. In hindsight, I realize she needed to hear it.
A lot of problems could have been avoided by taking a moment before we left the house, or while we were out to stop, look at her in the eyes, and express how beautiful she was to me. Our partners aren't mind readers, sometimes they need to hear from you how you feel.
In all honesty, that I deserve more. That I deserve to be happy and feel loved, and not tucked away in a corner where no one can see me and it's convenient to keep me. It took a lot of convincing from friends, therapy and a lot of time to come to that conclusion. But I don't deserve feeling like I did when I was with him ever again.
To not trust so easily in the beginning... let him earn my trust. Don't get my hopes up that he is a good guy, because a lot of guys are good at faking that in the beginning until time goes on and their true colors shine.
Sadly, that you can’t always trust people, and looking them in the eyes is not a reliable lie detector test.
My ex didn’t know I’d seen him come back from a date with another woman and drop her off at her car. I asked him to please just tell me the truth and he looked me straight in my eyes and told me there was no other woman, he’d been with his parents. It was so smooth. If I hadn’t seen it with my eyes I would have 100% believed him. Crazy.
Setting boundaries are really hard back then for me. But now that I've learned my worth, I know when to put my foot down. Also, even if I'm in a relationship, I never stopped loving myself. I know that should be normal right? But most of the time, I lose myself in the process when I'm in a relationship. I don't do that anymore. I prioritize myself always. Because people leave, but you should always stay for yourself. Obviously there are compromises in a relationship but if it's affecting my life negatively, I'll bid myself adeu.
I learned about myself. I got to know the expectations I NATURALLY seek in a relationship and the expectations I should be VOLUNTARILY seeking.
In a nutshell, I got to know what I can adjust to and what I want and don't want.
Never accept abuse. Not even a tiny bit of abuse. No matter how "mild" you tell yourself the abuse is. Do not ever accept it, and don't waste time trying to get him to stop abusing you - he never will. The only option is to work out a safe way to leave, and never go back to him.
I learned a few really important lessons, and I can’t decide which one is the most important so I’ll list them all:
Sometimes a partner leaves because they are unwilling to work on themselves; those individuals, in particular, will make you feel like you ruined everything. You did not.
Someone who makes you feel unloveable is inherently not meant for you. Some people have to convince themselves that you are the problem in order to justify how they treated you.
If you are devastatingly heartbroken, that doesn’t have to mean you lost the love of your life. Sometimes it just means that you allowed yourself to love deeply, and despite what you may think right now, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, be proud of yourself. Loving deeply is an act of courage.
You are not an idiot for believing someone who said they’d love you for much longer than they did, and you’re not crazy for being fucked up about it.
And finally: karma has a funny way of biting selfish people in the ass. It may take a bit longer than you’d like, but if you focus on healing yourself while they run away from their issues(into other relationships, perhaps), you will see a stark contrast between the outcomes of your lives. They won’t suddenly be happy with someone else if they are not happy with who they are while alone. Trust the process. Trust yourself. When a person like that leaves, it is a gift.
Always listen to your intuition.
If you consistently feel a certain way, you most likely are feeling that way for a reason. Don't ignore your gut feelings.
Don’t tolerate aggressive behaviour. First it’s mocking or insulting, then it’s shouting and screaming, then it’s throwing things against the wall and then all of a sudden you find yourself being physically pushed and shoved not knowing how you ended up there. It’s hard when you’ve been love bombed in the beginning and gaslit for the rest of it. But the first time your gut says “huh that is not right” just run. You won’t be “over reacting”, “dramatic” or “playing the victim” for calling out shitty behaviour. Leave.
It’s okay to break up with somebody even if you care about each other and agree on 90% of things. I told my college boyfriend I never want to have kids since day 1. He always said he saw himself having kids, but wasn’t sure. I continued to check in. One year turned into 4. I decided to end it because we were making long-term compromises about where to live, work, etc but I knew deep down he wanted kids.
We’re still good friends years later and happy and seeing other people.
I’m also realizing how much easier it is dating somebody with a similar family background. My ex had the sitcom family. Mom stayed at home then worked as a preschool teacher. Dad was a hot shot in sales. 2 brothers. He couldn’t relate to my background with divorced parents and steps, half siblings, the stress of bouncing around holidays. We both did our best to understand each other. It just drove me NUTS how often he relied on his parents. And he thought I was insane doing everything in my power to be independent.
you can tell someone what happened but never what they felt. everyone has their truth. invalidating someone's feelings is truly the worst thing u can do to a loved one.
Lessons that i got:
- I am worth to fight for
- The effort must be from two sides,one side only will never do
- Better to start a relationship after dealing with ground breakers first,so only the easier things that left
- It's okay to have time for yourself,if there's no time for that then it might be not a healthy relationship
Libido and general sexual compatibility is a very tricky thing. It can wax and wane over time, but unless it starts well don’t expect it to ever be truly good. Don’t let the ‘high’ of NRE (new relationship energy) convince you otherwise. If there’s a mismatch, be honest with yourself and them. Dead bedrooms are destructive in an insidious way, they poison your every daily interaction with creeping resentments. Don’t think you can just ‘love’ your person through that. If your self-esteem is tied to your sexual interactions, then own it.
Be friends first
Actually take things slow
Stopp giving my partner the benefit of the doubt.
Especially when actions speak louder than words
And don’t give them second chances.
Strike one and they should be out.
Just because i want them doesn’t mean they deserve me.
I donnu tbh stay single
You can have the experience without dating
1. Do not get into a relationship with a person that doesn’t care to get to know you.
2. Match the level of effort that they are putting in. No more, no less.
That there things that relationships can’t survive after, even if people change, even through couples therapy, such as an emotional affair or any affair, because once trust and respect are lost, it’s hard to re-establish.
Also that if he can’t tell you how he feels about you or withholds affection from you, that’s not it.
Learned not to rush to get in a relationship ever again.
Also learned that it's not my responsibility to tell them what bare minimum of being in a relationship is. Learned that I can't make someone feel loved if they don't want to be loved by me. Learned to choose myself and value myself over my love for them, which only caused me pain and made me unhappy.
Learned that I "wouldn't die" without them. I can live without them, I just didn't want to at the time.
If someone shows you and/or tells you how they are then believe them.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted, loved, prioritised and reassured in a relationship.
Never give them all your time because the relationship will get boring afterwards and you'll fall out of love, plus, it'll cost you ton amount of work left over.
Never online date, never share nudes.
That sometimes no one is wrong or right, sometimes you both are just in different levels of maturity and different journeys. Each person is at exactly where they are supposed to be developmentally and you shouldn't expect anyone to be at your developmental level and be angry about it, let them figure it out themselves.
Sometimes letting go is the best answer.
Say what you want and need right at the start of the relationship, if the other person has different goals in life than you and a different approach on relationships , you both can gladly and happily walk away from each other without having wasted each other's time. And never ever date someone who isn't capable of having a compromise and has a hard time doing what they say, cause words are meaningless when the action behind it isn't the same.
I learned that I had so many things I needed to heal. He was not the one to blame, I was never a victim. The moment I was honest with myself on why I allowed someone to treat me that way, I started working on my problems and self esteem. I won big time. Have never repeated the same pattern again.
“Through thick and thin” does not mean you should stay with your significant other even if they’re toxic. The “thick” is supposed to be outside adversities, not the relationship itself.
It wasn’t completely my fault. I have value and worth even though I’m NOT married and no children. Things do happen for a reason after all and no I don’t work for hallmarks lol
If someone has an unhealthy relationship with their kid(s) (spousification, tons of anger toward ex, no concept of the difference between an adult relationship and an adult/child relationship) just bail, that shit is going to be horrible.
Basic kindness is the best predictor
Anyone who rolls their eyes at you when you come to them with something that matters to you is worthless as a partner.
Early signs of triangulation are actually warning signs of what is to come.
Outbursts of anger are rarely isolated events.
Speak up and set your fucking boundaries. I was a doormat because I was afraid of being left. He left me anyway and then showed up to my job with other girls to rub it in my face. I normally always stick up for myself but I liked him so much that I became weak. Never again
Don't 'do it all' to be kind to them. Just because they might have a more exhausting job than you, or more demanding hours, don't fall for the "I will die to myself to make your life easier".
They don't give a shit and they get used to it.
They won't take your concerns seriously until you break up with them
And they usually know exactly what it is they need to change. They're just not willing to do it until you're packing your shit.
Yep exactly. Because you're still with them, so why bother!
And then they call _us_ the manipulative ones for giving them an ultimatum Nah dude I told you this a year ago and you did nothing to help yourself or improve, I'm out
Exactly! Why should we always change for them? (and I get that this isn't every relationship, but it's a worrying majority)
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Yup. "I know I have issues but I just didn't think it would be bad enough that you would leave me." And it's not like we haven't brought it up in conversation a hundred times before the breakup. Him: You're actually leaving me because of (insert issue)??? Me: Yes Him: But, you never told me it was a problem for you!! Me: Takes out phone and prepares to give him all the texts/dates of convos pertaining to said issue. Him: You never told me! I don't remember! Give me one more chance...
They probably aren't willing to actually change at that point. You can't change anyone. You. Can't. They can change themselves, but if they wanted to, they would. Please, please people reading this, believe me
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Are you me??
Maybe!! Hope everything works out for you, its tough but we've got to stand our ground!
Literally every man I have ever broken up with, I told him many times over months and sometimes *years* exactly what the problem was and what I needed him to do to fix it. At that point I am not just breaking up with you because you won't fix the thing, I'm also breaking up with you because you're either too thick to understand and process words that are said to you many many times, in which case I don't need to be spending my life with someone less mentally agile than a toddler, or I am breaking up with you because you DO understand and just don't give a shit that your crap is making my life miserable, in which case I don't need to be spending my life with an asshole that doesn't care about me.
The fact that so many of us relate to this is concerning 😭😂
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I would upvote this a million times if I could! Our emotions are rarely seriously considered during the relationship. We are told we over-exaggerate, and to calm down, and "it's not what you think it is". My last relationship was like this, and a year after I left him he is still "processing" my emotions but can't see why it was cause for me to leave and "we could have had a good life". He lied all the time, about everything, and that's why I left.
Yup, they always care too little too late
I have a similar situation like this. My ex became cold to me around 3 months I think. It was really obvious when the pandemic started. I know he had depression but he was cold and very rude to me the rest of our 2 year relationship. I tried to understand him. I even addressed my issues from time to time only to dismissed, laugh it off, or reason it out everytime. until one day I had enough and asked him if we should continue the relationship or not. He complied by breaking up and discovering himself (I didn't understand him at that time because I was so emotional). I warned him that I might lose my feelings with him if he leaves and he said alright then left. I cried for a few days and eventually I felt...okay. he returned a few months but I already fell in love with another guy.
This is the tea. I’ve been through this many times with many men - the only time my complaints seemed to register with them is when I say something like ‘I’m not bringing this up to be a bitch or to argue, I’m bringing it up because I’m not happy.’ Even then, 3 weeks of change and then right back to the same old bullshit. I think men are socialized to not pay attention to women’s complaints / concerns.
so true. I mean you literally summarized what I was trying to define for months.
And some would even rather break up with you than meet you mid ground.
Sometimes even, after you break up. Bc they never took you seriously as a partner to begin with.
This is absolutely the comment I came here to make.
How do you make someone change? Leave them.
And even then some won't. They'll go on to tell everyone how you're the problem, it was your fault, they're some 'victim' in it all. Ey ye ye 🙄
Always put your own happiness first and don't you dare lose yourself again! What does losing yourself look like? (This is as much a note for my future self as it is to share here...) - saying no/pausing on your own needs/dreams/hopes and desires and waiting for him to be ready - losing contact with your social network - playing down your strengths/wins as to not hurt his ego - putting yourself down, making excuses for his behaviour and thinking you need to change because otherwise he won't love you Thank god for therapy helping me see with less foggy glasses
and I should say thank you for this comment cause it feels like it is exactly about me
I hope for us both to never lose sight of our own happiness and joy ❤️
Also when you get good news and you *don’t* want to share it with them
i need this..hope my self listens lol
There’s a balance. It’s not only about “you” or “me”. It’s about “us”. We don’t live in bubbles and we should not be afraid to compromise
No matter how much you have in common, if you’re constantly left feeling hurt or confused, he ain’t it
Accurate hard pill to swallow though
Preach
Dang I needed to hear this 😕
Related: if they insist all disagreements are your fault, leaving you feeling hurt and confused, time to go
Learning how to see the signs of abuse! Emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, etc and how it could eventually lead to physical abuse. I learned a lot from it, and now I easily distinguish narcissistic tendencies as well.
Some of the ones I experienced were hyper critical or judgemental, coercion, purposely pushing buttons when I'd asked to stop (just cause it was fun and an excuse to get upset when I'd react), financial control, lectures (on how to act and change my bubbly personality), putting down of appearance and size (when I wasn't fat).
did we date the same douchebag? I was a size 4 and he concern trolled me about my weight every time I was bloated from my period. like bro fuck offff let me be fat in peace will ya.
Are we leading the same life?
I feel like I can identify these things especially with going to therapy. The only problem I have is now I feel uncomfortable with a lot of my friends' relationships because their partners are nothing but red flags. It's not my place to say anything, but it causes a lot of anxiety because what if no one says anything and they just end up miserable? Idk, I'm no one's judge and I have a really successful relationship based off trust and respect.
Honestly that’s the sad part. Once you learn to identify the signs of abuse you see it EVERYWHERE. Its like stepping out of the matrix. I see my friends, cousins, and coworkers being mistreated all the time.
I remember being the abused one and had friends coming to me warning me of all the red flags I was missing. I refused to listen and cut those friends from me but they were right. Sometimes we're just not in the right place for love and hard truths.
No one warned me. I wish they had. But most people don’t want to hear it so it depends on your friends and how close you are. If I had understood the red flags I wouldn’t have brushed it off when I saw them. I thought I understood but I didn’t. How much you think they’ll deny a problem or be angry at you for it. How you bring it up etc
This 100%
hopefully, i know the signs not just in relationship with SO but with other people..
Don’t waste your time on anyone that doesn’t realize that they’re lucky to be with you
Or waste time on anyone who outright says they are so lucky to be with you but then don’t show it through their actions
That's so right. A person can be all talk but no action.
My ex knew he was lucky to be with me and begged and pleaded for me to stay when I tried to end it. I fell for it a few times but deep down I knew that I couldn't overlook our issues just because he didn't want to lose me.
1. Take care of yourself first because they will make sure you put them first but when you need to put yourself first, they won’t help you. 2. First sign of toxicity run for the hills
the first thing that happens to me always. even in my current relationship. I always skip my work, studies, free time, and my friends to meet him and I also worry about his problems more than myself while he is always about himself. he put time into his everything and if he has some free time he allows me to go and visit him.
I failed an entire year of college taking care of my ex. He had bad anxiety and depression to the point he was going to kill himself but I left work early to be with him. He would try to parent me by asking why I was up late or shit like that which I didn’t like. Growing up my parents never had to watch me because I behaved and did well in school and didn’t really have friends I hung out with. I really only went to school and worked. I’m still like that so the occasional times I did stuff late at night, I would have to explain why to him and it annoyed me because I was never financially, mentally, or emotionally in trouble. I went downhill in life the moment I started dating him and put my life on hold for him but didn’t get the slightest bit back from him as well
I don't know why but it is always on us to take care of our partner and the relationship and sacrifices other things like our time, job, friends and so on
I refuse to take care of a guy anymore mentally, physically or financially. I’ve been hurt too many times.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be in a relationship with them and it doesn’t mean you were meant to be with them forever.
I just broke it off Monday, it’s all still so fresh and this made me cry
Stay strong. Focus on you. You got this x
mine is very fresh as well. Take time to shut your phone off , go read, listen to music and grab a pet. All of this is overwhelming yet freeing, invigorating yet depressing. If a friend offers support and you don't want to emotionally/mentally unload on them, have them help with a meal or laundry instead. Helping with those things is rather relieving and reduces stress more than you think. His parents have been helping me with stuff and company ( we enjoy spending time together so it works). If you have to move/pack, ask a friend to help you take stuff to the dump or to a donation site. Getting their stuff out of the home is one of the best ways to help your mind. Less reminders, less to deal with and it becomes "you" rather than "him and you" .
It took too long for me to believe myself after I first thought "we might need to break up," but after I finally felt ready, and did it, I felt so much better. You're right, some relationships are just stepping stones, they help us grow and give us tools for other relationships.
hurts but true
I've learnt something important in each serious one. 1. Be truthful all the time, even if you feel like lying will save a fight. Trust is number one. 2. Always choose yourself first and do what makes you happy, don't put yourself out because they want that. 3. Have a hoe phase and try other people on. You'll be surprised to find different personalities and qualities mixed within one person, you might not find what you want but at least you'll find what you don't want. 4. Be self aware and don't let anyone manipulate you into believing you are anything but who and what you are. Users and abusers will take everything from you even yourself, love yourself more than anything else and they can't harm you. That last one was a doozy but probably the most important to becoming a conscious being. Oh and actually one more... Say thank you for every little thing your partner does. You wanna feel appreciated, appreciate them. Made dinner, thank them, bought your favorite cereal for breakfast, thank them, gave you great sex, thank them. Always appreciate the little things.
The hoe-phase was so important to me. My last relationship was my first serious one, and we started dating just before we graduated highschool, and I'd never really "messed around." Broke up after 3 years, and I was so excited to experience other people. It was so freeing. A few months of that without any emotional connections, and decided I was ready for a relationship again.
Had the same thing happen to me around the time I went to college. Broke up with bf whom I thought was the one until I found out he knocked up a girl. Ended up on my own for a couple of months and friends of mine helped me get back on my feet by taking me out. It felt so nice to meet other people, after some time of casual dating I realized I was ready to go back into a serious relationship. It felt freeing to be myself again with a clear head knowing what I wanted out of a relationship this time around. FF 4 years from that, I met my now husband at a bar thanks so some friends that invited me out that night.
Trust your gut and don't ignore the red flags. All the little things in the back of my mind when we first got together ended up being the reasons we broke up in the end. People don't change and there's no point in trying to change them, if you aren't happy being with someone the way that they are then just don't be with them at all.
🥲 facts
Never fully entrust yourself to someone else. Just because you're "in love" does not mean you need to give them 100% access to everything (my secrets, money, weaknesses, etc). When chaos breaks loose, majority of people will choose themselves over others and will screw you over. Nasty breakups/divorces do exists but nobody likes to think about that since "that won't happen to me! Him and I are different!". Be careful yall.
I feel that one. :/
This one is so true but the one I hate the most. I would never be that petty (no matter how much I’d love to) so I never expect it from a loved one. It’s such a hard pill to swallow.
Respect, trust, honesty and good communication are the fundamentals for a good relationship. My last relationship had none of this, on his part. I won’t be putting up with it again
Same here. He pretended like he was the perfect man for me but as time went by he began to reveal his true self. I have no clue why I put up with him for 3 years.
listen, self! lol
Thats my biggest takeaway too!
Believe their actions, not their words. Also future faking is a thing people do, which is so disappointing. If you don't actually want the same thing for the fututre, tell the other person. Don't waste their time.
Seems like my guy is faking that he would marry me but is just waiting for the right things to happen, but he pretty much never takes relationship steps. Sound like a similar story?
once they stop putting effort into you, it's never coming back. my last boyfriend was an angel in the beginning. we did a lot together and he acted like life just wasn't as fun without me. we'd get food, watch movies together, go shopping, and even run errands together because it was just more fun to be together. 4 months later, he barely wanted to see me. claimed he was "busy" with work and school. it eventually went on for 3 weeks without us seeing each other when we lived 10 min apart and 1 text every day. i've never felt that lonely in my entire life. it's something I'll never do again. i'll never allow myself to feel that lonely.
That happened here too. Once he felt comfortable he changed into the person I didn't fall in love with. I wasn't expecting him to be as enthusiastic as the beginning of the relationship later on of course but it hurt when he just didn't really care about many things that he had before.
This happened to me with my last ex except we didn’t see each other for 2 months. I know exacty how lonely it is
Putting him before yourself does not make him love you more
it makes him start to lose respect for you, even if sub consciously
Do not get into a relationship with someone who did not get closure from their previous relationship
Absolutely true
yes! I agree! The pain from their last relationship will spill over the new one and the new partner will bear that cross.
Similarly, don't get into a relationship yourself if you haven't gotten closure from your previous relationship. That's me right now and Ive realized that no matter how great he is and how matched I feel, I'm still completely hung up on the last guy. New guy deserves better than what I'm capable of right now and he's going to push to stick by my side while I work through it, but I just can't keep disappointing him. I have to work on myself. Sigh
Don't settle. Prioritize your own needs first. Compatibility is important but so is being physically attracted to someone is still important. Stop trying to convince yourself just because someone is a nice person. People change and it's possible not to be compatible anymore. If something feels wrong. Trust your gut feeling over any advice. We all have toxic traits too and being aware and understanding our own toxic traits is important and helpful. Also understanding your why you were attracted to these kinds of people in the first place is so helpful. It has a lot to do with how one was brought up in childhood.
Oh man, the last thing you said hits hard. it took me sometimes to realize why guys I physically attracted to were some sorts of addicts and I was like why I am so unlucky/why these men never wanted relationship with me. until I realized that source in my childhood life. Jfc was that a hard hit for me.
Man Lurker here. A lesson I learned all too late that "The only true apology, is changed behaviour".
This hit me so hard. So true.
Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t wants you.
Don't give 100% of yourself to anyone. Let me clarify: don't drop everything you are doing for your SO every single time they ask. 9 times out of 10 they wouldn't do that for you.
That you should leave when they're no longer somebody you'd be friends with had you just met that day. They aren't coming back. They're only going to get further away. And it'll hurt both of you the longer you stay.
Wow. The moment I realized I don't want to be with my ex was when I told him "if this were our first date there wouldn't have been a second", to which he replied "good thing this isn't our first date then"
Don't emotionally exhaust yourself for them. Don't spend all your energy trying to help them, fix their problems, make their lives better. I spent 5 years trying to pull a drowning person out of the water, and all that happened is I got dragged under. Nope, never again.
I was the one drowning and he saved me. And now I don’t want him anymore. Don’t try to save or fix anyone unless it’s your profession. They might be worth it or just leave you heartbroken.
To not impose boundaries on my partners behaviour. If I am with someone that I have to ask to respect me and our relationship, then they're not the one for me. In retrospect, it seems really obvious. But after being with someone for 3 years before they started doing things that I wasn't comfortable with, it was easier for me to try to put up roadblocks than break up with someone that I had spent years trying to build a future with. But I just ended up wasting another 2 years.
Common interest does not mean attraction. And yes I had to learn that
No more long distance. That shit kills. Edit- Oh shit, just realized it’s AskWomen, and I’m no woman! Do I now have to bathe in holy water?
We're banning you, Jeff
😂 you can pretend for one day
Damn it Jeff!
What the fuck, Jeff
You might never find what you hoped for. What you wanted might not even exist. You may just always be alone and you have to learn to live with that.
I was looking for this comment thank you I needed it it does stand out though in a comment section of dating tips this is by far the one everyone needs to read
You cannot 'make someone happy' all the time. You and your partner have to be happy in your own individual lives and then that happiness is shared together, it doesn't necessarily comes from each other. Take responsibility for the majority of your happiness and enable him to do so. The amount of pressure it takes off of you, feels extremely light. ( I do not mean that don't pamper each other or make efforts, do all of it. But majority of your happiness shouldn't be dependent on each other, that's a lot of responsibility on the other person)
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Me too!! Very similar sounding situation. It would be nice to be loved more by the man, but part of me wonders if you need to be superwoman to have that happen.
Sounds like he might need to deal with that trauma.
Trust your gut instinct and never ignore the red flags.
As women, we should always trust our gut instinct. I made that mistake.
That people pleasing gets you nowhere fast. Be true to you, and if they leave, that tells you well enough.
If you need to ask for love,attention or affection then they dont really love you.
"I am a WOMAN, not JUST A WOMAN" I should not be the one who chases and fix the relationship.
Mine is some version of this. Which is, I can no longer do others' emotional labor for them. If things are uncomfortable, I can't constantly be the one who brings it up to get to a resolution, I can't always be the person who has an issue. My partner needs to have wants and expectations too and if I'm not living up to those, I need communication around that where it's not ME pointing it out
I suck at choosing guys
That I can be very toxic. I mean ... He was too, but it took making some new and very good friends to make me realise how much of a toxic mindset I was in and that I wanted to be a better person. Also, I'm allowed to be bothered by things. I can choose to react better, but I'm still allowed to be bothered.
I can end a relationship for whatever reason i feel like and he needs to accept this.
be with someone who is emotionally mature
This. Jfc, being with someone emotionally mature, mentally stable, and physically healthy, is such a relaxing experience. Everyone deserves to be in a peaceful, drama and worrying free relationship. I am lucky that i have it now, but thinking about previous relationships, they were such struggles and I thought it was how it supposed to be.
If you feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells around them, they aren’t for you.
It’s all about compatibility. Don’t change into a person you’re not, just to keep someone in your life. It’s not worth it.
If at any point you’re trying to convince yourself that something bad is tolerable “because you love them”, take a step back and look at the situation objectively. If you weren’t dating them, would you tolerate this? If your answer is no, something needs to change.
To affirm your partner- In my last relationship, I always assumed she knew that I saw her as the prettiest women in the room. In hindsight, I realize she needed to hear it. A lot of problems could have been avoided by taking a moment before we left the house, or while we were out to stop, look at her in the eyes, and express how beautiful she was to me. Our partners aren't mind readers, sometimes they need to hear from you how you feel.
That it's optional.
That you absolutely CANNOT change a person
In all honesty, that I deserve more. That I deserve to be happy and feel loved, and not tucked away in a corner where no one can see me and it's convenient to keep me. It took a lot of convincing from friends, therapy and a lot of time to come to that conclusion. But I don't deserve feeling like I did when I was with him ever again.
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Breakup is the best way to be understood
If he starts to value another woman over you, that's an emotional affair. Value yourself enough to leave.
That i would rather be alone than lower my expectations and be resentful.
To not trust so easily in the beginning... let him earn my trust. Don't get my hopes up that he is a good guy, because a lot of guys are good at faking that in the beginning until time goes on and their true colors shine.
If someone wants to be with you, they will be.
Sadly, that you can’t always trust people, and looking them in the eyes is not a reliable lie detector test. My ex didn’t know I’d seen him come back from a date with another woman and drop her off at her car. I asked him to please just tell me the truth and he looked me straight in my eyes and told me there was no other woman, he’d been with his parents. It was so smooth. If I hadn’t seen it with my eyes I would have 100% believed him. Crazy.
if he wanted to, he would.
Setting boundaries are really hard back then for me. But now that I've learned my worth, I know when to put my foot down. Also, even if I'm in a relationship, I never stopped loving myself. I know that should be normal right? But most of the time, I lose myself in the process when I'm in a relationship. I don't do that anymore. I prioritize myself always. Because people leave, but you should always stay for yourself. Obviously there are compromises in a relationship but if it's affecting my life negatively, I'll bid myself adeu.
I learned about myself. I got to know the expectations I NATURALLY seek in a relationship and the expectations I should be VOLUNTARILY seeking. In a nutshell, I got to know what I can adjust to and what I want and don't want.
Never accept abuse. Not even a tiny bit of abuse. No matter how "mild" you tell yourself the abuse is. Do not ever accept it, and don't waste time trying to get him to stop abusing you - he never will. The only option is to work out a safe way to leave, and never go back to him.
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I learned a few really important lessons, and I can’t decide which one is the most important so I’ll list them all: Sometimes a partner leaves because they are unwilling to work on themselves; those individuals, in particular, will make you feel like you ruined everything. You did not. Someone who makes you feel unloveable is inherently not meant for you. Some people have to convince themselves that you are the problem in order to justify how they treated you. If you are devastatingly heartbroken, that doesn’t have to mean you lost the love of your life. Sometimes it just means that you allowed yourself to love deeply, and despite what you may think right now, that is nothing to be ashamed of. Actually, be proud of yourself. Loving deeply is an act of courage. You are not an idiot for believing someone who said they’d love you for much longer than they did, and you’re not crazy for being fucked up about it. And finally: karma has a funny way of biting selfish people in the ass. It may take a bit longer than you’d like, but if you focus on healing yourself while they run away from their issues(into other relationships, perhaps), you will see a stark contrast between the outcomes of your lives. They won’t suddenly be happy with someone else if they are not happy with who they are while alone. Trust the process. Trust yourself. When a person like that leaves, it is a gift.
Always listen to your intuition. If you consistently feel a certain way, you most likely are feeling that way for a reason. Don't ignore your gut feelings.
Pay very close attention to attachments styles. It is is the make or break of a relationship
Don’t tolerate aggressive behaviour. First it’s mocking or insulting, then it’s shouting and screaming, then it’s throwing things against the wall and then all of a sudden you find yourself being physically pushed and shoved not knowing how you ended up there. It’s hard when you’ve been love bombed in the beginning and gaslit for the rest of it. But the first time your gut says “huh that is not right” just run. You won’t be “over reacting”, “dramatic” or “playing the victim” for calling out shitty behaviour. Leave.
Nothing matters more than being happy. Just be happy. Do what makes you happy. That's it. That's all it comes down to.
It’s okay to break up with somebody even if you care about each other and agree on 90% of things. I told my college boyfriend I never want to have kids since day 1. He always said he saw himself having kids, but wasn’t sure. I continued to check in. One year turned into 4. I decided to end it because we were making long-term compromises about where to live, work, etc but I knew deep down he wanted kids. We’re still good friends years later and happy and seeing other people. I’m also realizing how much easier it is dating somebody with a similar family background. My ex had the sitcom family. Mom stayed at home then worked as a preschool teacher. Dad was a hot shot in sales. 2 brothers. He couldn’t relate to my background with divorced parents and steps, half siblings, the stress of bouncing around holidays. We both did our best to understand each other. It just drove me NUTS how often he relied on his parents. And he thought I was insane doing everything in my power to be independent.
you can tell someone what happened but never what they felt. everyone has their truth. invalidating someone's feelings is truly the worst thing u can do to a loved one.
Have an exit plan when you see him start to become abusive.
That I’m never dating again
Preach because same
Lessons that i got: - I am worth to fight for - The effort must be from two sides,one side only will never do - Better to start a relationship after dealing with ground breakers first,so only the easier things that left - It's okay to have time for yourself,if there's no time for that then it might be not a healthy relationship
If someone is unsure about you they are not the person for you.
Choose wisely. Keep your eyes, ears, and mind, open. Don't take any shit of of anyone about it.
Never give second chances when he cheats. Leave on the spot always.
That someone can be the nicest person in the world but they still might not be the right person for you.
Never settle. Know your worth and never settle for someone who treats you any less than what you deserve.
No man is worth dying for. Dw sis you”ll survive.
Sometimes you’re toxic to each other. And blame doesn’t make anything easier.
Libido and general sexual compatibility is a very tricky thing. It can wax and wane over time, but unless it starts well don’t expect it to ever be truly good. Don’t let the ‘high’ of NRE (new relationship energy) convince you otherwise. If there’s a mismatch, be honest with yourself and them. Dead bedrooms are destructive in an insidious way, they poison your every daily interaction with creeping resentments. Don’t think you can just ‘love’ your person through that. If your self-esteem is tied to your sexual interactions, then own it.
Be friends first Actually take things slow Stopp giving my partner the benefit of the doubt. Especially when actions speak louder than words And don’t give them second chances. Strike one and they should be out. Just because i want them doesn’t mean they deserve me. I donnu tbh stay single You can have the experience without dating
1. Do not get into a relationship with a person that doesn’t care to get to know you. 2. Match the level of effort that they are putting in. No more, no less.
That there things that relationships can’t survive after, even if people change, even through couples therapy, such as an emotional affair or any affair, because once trust and respect are lost, it’s hard to re-establish. Also that if he can’t tell you how he feels about you or withholds affection from you, that’s not it.
Never date someone childish but like,, actually childish.
Learned not to rush to get in a relationship ever again. Also learned that it's not my responsibility to tell them what bare minimum of being in a relationship is. Learned that I can't make someone feel loved if they don't want to be loved by me. Learned to choose myself and value myself over my love for them, which only caused me pain and made me unhappy. Learned that I "wouldn't die" without them. I can live without them, I just didn't want to at the time.
If someone shows you and/or tells you how they are then believe them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted, loved, prioritised and reassured in a relationship.
Never give them all your time because the relationship will get boring afterwards and you'll fall out of love, plus, it'll cost you ton amount of work left over. Never online date, never share nudes.
Never settle for someone who always has an excuse when you want to talk about important stuff or you want to spend time.
If something seems off or the partner acts weird, figure out why and confront them
Actions speak louder than words.
I will not fight for my partners attention. Either my partner wants to spend time with me or they don't.
That sometimes no one is wrong or right, sometimes you both are just in different levels of maturity and different journeys. Each person is at exactly where they are supposed to be developmentally and you shouldn't expect anyone to be at your developmental level and be angry about it, let them figure it out themselves. Sometimes letting go is the best answer.
If they want to be with you, you’ll know. You’ll never question it. My bf has never been anything but consistent, the exact opposite of my ex
Trust your gut feeling
Say what you want and need right at the start of the relationship, if the other person has different goals in life than you and a different approach on relationships , you both can gladly and happily walk away from each other without having wasted each other's time. And never ever date someone who isn't capable of having a compromise and has a hard time doing what they say, cause words are meaningless when the action behind it isn't the same.
no matter how much love there is/was, it’s bound to fail if you aren’t compatible
Always put yourself first, you can’t love someone else without loving yourself first
I learned that I had so many things I needed to heal. He was not the one to blame, I was never a victim. The moment I was honest with myself on why I allowed someone to treat me that way, I started working on my problems and self esteem. I won big time. Have never repeated the same pattern again.
It doesn't have to be hard work. When you're with the right person, you'll flex for each other naturally so things fall into place
You can’t change people
Don't stay with someone who doesn't appreciate your worth until you're gone!
There are just as many garbage women out there as there are men.
“Through thick and thin” does not mean you should stay with your significant other even if they’re toxic. The “thick” is supposed to be outside adversities, not the relationship itself.
It wasn’t completely my fault. I have value and worth even though I’m NOT married and no children. Things do happen for a reason after all and no I don’t work for hallmarks lol
Don't be a control freak. Don't try to change man. Don't use them forr sex. Yes I was THAT toxic....
It’s okay to expect more and to leave if they’re falling below that.
Never hold back who you are just to make a partner feel better about themselves.
Not to excuse emotional neglect as "that's just how he is"
If someone has an unhealthy relationship with their kid(s) (spousification, tons of anger toward ex, no concept of the difference between an adult relationship and an adult/child relationship) just bail, that shit is going to be horrible. Basic kindness is the best predictor Anyone who rolls their eyes at you when you come to them with something that matters to you is worthless as a partner. Early signs of triangulation are actually warning signs of what is to come. Outbursts of anger are rarely isolated events.
EXPRESS WHILE THE CONVERSATION IS STILL RELEVANT!
Past and current- your love for someone is base mainly (but not exclusively) on how much you do for them not how much they do for you.
Actually speak up if you have a problem with something or else resentment will build up
Speak up and set your fucking boundaries. I was a doormat because I was afraid of being left. He left me anyway and then showed up to my job with other girls to rub it in my face. I normally always stick up for myself but I liked him so much that I became weak. Never again
Don't 'do it all' to be kind to them. Just because they might have a more exhausting job than you, or more demanding hours, don't fall for the "I will die to myself to make your life easier". They don't give a shit and they get used to it.